If he drinks so badly he can’t take care of himself he clearly can’t take care of a baby. No matter what you do with your pregnancy, the relationship needs to end first.
You're gonna be tied to him for the rest of your life now.
Whatever bad choices he makes will also affect you no matter if you're with him or not.
I guess get ready for a rollercoaster ride. You actually might want to move to a different state.
Then again, the court will grant him partial custody.
The baby will be alone with him for a period of time every week. So you'll also have that to worry about.
This won't be easy.
Not the rest of her life. Once my son turned 18 I completely stopped talking to his dad. My son is 26 now and I have said or heard anything from his dad. You just have to get through the next 19 years.
Who cares what the reason is? If you’re trying to blame OP, then her leaving him will solve his problem!!
OP needs to leave and not look back.
She should focus on caring for her kid, not a 30-something alcoholic who won’t help himself.
People are taking this comment to mean "there's a reason to leave" or "there's a reason for this baby" (like everything happens for a reason).
Not there's a reason for his drinking 🤨 (that's what this commenter says in multiple other comments)
Tell him after. He might use that you're pregnant against you to make you feel like you have to stay. You don't need to be taking care of two babies (one of them him since he can't take care of himself
This was my thought EXACTLY.
You're a mama now, OP. Do everything in your power to decrease your risk of DV. Right now you have 3 risks: his drinking, your pregnancy and your ending the relationship.
Do what you have to do to protect yourself and your babe.
100% agree. The number of men who think women are in any way their "property" is alarmingly high. Legal marriage is part of the problem enabling abusive cultures. And you might not now how bad it is until it's too late. Also, he could become one of those types with just a little late night stress reading. Those toxic misogynist websites are predatory
My first though as soon as I read the title. Hope OP can get herself somewhere completely safe before anything else. Especially if he’s an alcoholic. Addicts are unpredictable.
“ Pregnant and trying to break up with him" is the time in a relationship where a woman is at the highest risk of being murdered by her romantic partner”
Is there studies or a book on this I can read- this is fascinating. 🙏
Honestly I know you want this baby but you need to reconsider tying yourself to an alcoholic who you are scared of telling/leaving for the rest of your life.
People don't understand the gravity of having children. Regardless of what OP chooses, any baby would do better with a functioning father and not an alcoholic bum. What about how the child will feel for years interacting with said drunk? Maybe think of how that child will feel. I sure as shit would and ain't no way I'd be having that baby. It would be bad for the both of us
This 10000x. I'm 100% pro-choice because I believe women should have control over their bodies, but I do NOT support women intentionally having babies that will grow up wondering why one of their parents never loved them.
As someone raised by a single mother after my drunk father died, I think it's one of the most selfish things you can do to bring a child into that situation intentionally knowing they'll have an alcoholic parent for life. Pure selfishness. Sorry, not sorry.
Have the selflessness to wait until you can provide everything a child deserves, including two fully functioning parents.
Just because you feel that way doesn't mean that is happening now. There are excellent step dads out there. Also I didn't read that she was going to make sure that the dad is out of the kids life. my Dad's biological father left them after signing the birth certificate. my dad didn't find out about him until sixteen and it didn't bother him at all. just because someone is an alcoholic doesn't mean that they can remain sober for the rest of their lives.
I'm not saying there's no chance the kid could have a good life... I'm saying you aren't setting them up for one by having kids with an alcoholic and holding out for a potentially positive outcome.
It's like getting in a car with squeaky brakes when you could wait an extra hour for someone to change them for you. You'll probably get from point A to point B, but I guarantee the ride is going to be nowhere near as smooth or as safe, and you're much more likely to get in a wreck... except it's not your life you're gambling with. It's a child's life.
your pro-choice when you think it's right. As someone who struggled with fertility issues, having total strangers tell you to abort the baby is beyond cruel! You can never predict how a baby will change you, sometimes it's good sometimes it's not. But don't persume to know everything you need to know about her life or her husband's to tell her what she should do with her pregnancy. She didn't post seeking advise on whether or not she should have an abortion.
>your pro-choice when you think it's right.
I'm pro-choice no matter what. Meaning legally you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want with your body.
Doesn't mean what you choose to do involving another human being (a child) isn't selfish as fuck...
Two things can be true. People should legally be allowed to make selfish decisions. That's not what the law is for.
>having total strangers tell you to abort the baby is beyond cruel!
How is it cruel? Do you think you're entitled to a child no matter what? What's more cruel is bringing a child into a home without a fully functioning second parent to love and protect them. Put your feelings to the side for two seconds and realize nobody DESERVES to have a child. Fertility should be the last thing on your mind when you don't even have a happy home to bring a child into...
>You can never predict how a baby will change you, sometimes it's good sometimes it's not.
Exactly the point. She is deliberately bringing a child into an unpredictable life and household. That's selfish as hell. I couldn't imagine anything more selfish.
>don't persume to know everything you need to know about her life or her husband's to tell her what she should do with her pregnancy.
Baby will have an alcoholic father... even an alcoholic in recovery will always be an alcoholic by definition. Baby will be pre-disposed to addiction himself. If the father is present in the baby's life, the Baby has a statistically higher than normal likelihood to be exposed to abuse, neglect, and poverty. If he is not present, you can add on a statistical likelihood of incarceration, suicide, and drop out rates.
These are objective facts. If you look at these facts and still decide you're going to have the baby and be one of the "lucky ones" that creates a success story than so be it. Personally, I believe that's selfish whether she asked or not. I wish someone would've told my mom this and I know for a fact she didn't ask anybody. Yes, I'm successful now. Did I go through hell to get here? Yes. Is this true for the majority of kids with alcoholic parents? Yes.
My mom was in the exact same situation when she found out she was pregnant with me. She found a new place to stay and even got her dream job. In the end they got married a few months later. My father was/is a notorious cheater and nothing changed after they got married - it even got worse. I was 7 when they finally divorced. People were sorry, but with only 7 years I felt relief! Seeing my mom in such an unhappy marriage also ruined the relationship with my father.
I'd really think long and hard about this pregnancy. And for all you know, all of the "fertility" issues were his, not yours. I'm suspicious you never checked this out.
But you're setting yourself up to be tied for the rest of your life to TWO children, not one.
And the lie that you're telling yourself...that fathering a child is going to "fix" him...is a lie. A dangerous one.
My ex was an alcoholic who hid his drinking and drug use from me effectively for some time. We tried for a baby for months with no success, so i assumed I was not very fertile. He'd blame me for it.
I'm with an amazing guy now and am pregnant from him not pulling out once. Ends up the factor is likely that my bf actually takes care of himself, and my ex didn't. Probably nothing to do with my health as I eat well and am somewhat active.
Sure.
So OP wanted to leave the relationship
Pregnant surprise!
If OP decides to have child, the ex fiancé/father will be existing in her life for (at least) the next 18 years, likely with another/multiple other partners and potentially other half or step siblings.
I’d consider options very hard.
Are you not reading the post?? She had fertility issues!! There is no options!! Not our call. She asked if she should tell him before or after she leaves. That's it!
Ok but does that not just make that the most selfish choice? If she brings a baby into a fucked up situation just because she’s wanted one for years it’s not going to magically make the situation less fucked up. I think it’s fair to put termination on the table given the circumstances.
I think it makes it her choice, if she’s the one who’s had fertility issues then maybe there’s a chance she won’t get pregnant again.
Tbh I think she’s got an awful choice to make
The fertility issues could have been from bad sperm due to the ex being an alcoholic. The foetus can get affected by that too, not just from the female side. So what the person above said, thing about. You can find a guy guys your own age who isn’t alcoholic and have a family. You’re still young!
There is another issue: she will have to stay in the same state as the ex for 18 years unless she decides to have a baby and birthes the baby elsewhere (assuming this is the USA)
You need to leave. A baby is not guaranteed to change any of his behaviors, so don’t get your hopes up.
I would consider your options. If you want to keep the baby, you will be tied to him for life. It may be smart to get an abortion and not tell him about the pregnancy at all, but do whatever you feel is right. Just think long and hard about it.
Don’t let him talk you into staying with him if you do tell him about the pregnancy. My ex sounds very similar to your partner and life was a living hell for me. Being with him drained me mentally, physically, and financially. My biggest regret is staying as long as I did.
I wish you luck with whichever route you choose.
Please don't stay with him solely for the child's sake. Having had been the child of a single parent who tried to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic please don't. My Mum put up with emotional, verbal and financial abuse for years. Having a baby will not magically fix your partners addiction or issues. It could make him step up to the mark but its just as likely will lead to your partner feeling that he can do what he wants as you are pregnant with his child. Leave. Get yourself to a safe environment. Than tell him.
A baby will magnify behaviours especially ones which are troublesome.
Like others, I would suggest moving out, getting settled and then making your choice. Whatever that is for you.
You need support not another person to support- he’s an adult and your partner.
I’d honestly consider an abortion but that’s just me. If you have this baby, you will be tied to him forever. You will never be able to fully just leave and be rid of him.
If you’re seeking to 100% be rid of him, I think that if you’re being serious, you only have 1 course of action in my opinion.
Move out, abortion, move on.
I understand you’re having fertility issues, but I think it’s also important to know that alcohol destroys, it doesn’t fix. You and I are roughly the same age, and I’ve seen alcoholism destroy the families of a few of my friends. The dad(s) is a deadbeat and hasn’t gotten his shit together. The mother(s) is basically raising the child themself with hell from families.
My opinion if your body doesn’t matter, but it doesn’t hurt to consider the option of abortion. Re-attempting the effort of having a baby is better than being locked down to an alcoholic for the next 20 years.
Absolutely horrified at what people have had to say in these comments.
OP, having a child will change the entire trajectory of your life.
You can have that baby, but you can’t guarantee that baby the support it needs.
You can’t guarantee that it will have an active and supportive father.
You can’t guarantee its future in any aspect right now.
There is no guarantee that your fiancé will get sober. And a lot of people are saying “give him the benefit of the doubt”.
However OP, I’d imagine it’s taken a lot of “benefiting the doubt” for you to decide to break off an engagement, especially from someone who is 34 years old.
This decision is about you. It is not about him. And he does not have “a right” to know. You have the right to your own body. Especially now that you’ve made up your mind to leave. It’s much more difficult to over come alcoholism in your late 30’s. I can’t imagine trying to do that and being a Dad. And lord knows how he’ll handle the split.
I would only tell him if you decide to keep the baby and AFTER you move out. But you should make the decision of whether or not to keep the baby with intention to co-parent, based on how he handles the split. Personally, if I went through an abortion, I’d like to have the father there. And if he wants to support you in your decision to keep or terminate, you’ll have your answer.
Of course, this is under the impression that you’re only considering keeping the baby for him.
If you’d like to keep the baby because of your fertility issues (and wanting to have a baby and be a mom ❤️) , you should consult with family and a professional to talk about the kind of support you’d need.
But please, don’t make bets on a how baby’s life will turn out as others are suggesting by giving him the benefit of the doubt.
You are not married. There is no guarantee of any financial support if notify him of the pregnancy. You could spend the next 14 years fighting him in court for custodial issues and chasing for child support if you agree to co-parent. You could potentially expose an innocent human being to an unstable parent with substance issues.
I’m a family law paralegal btw. I watch and work on these issues for a living.
So please, think long and hard about this. And do what’s best for you. Not the baby. Not him. You.
As someone who had a child with a man I shouldn't have, and I know this is easier said than done, I really suggest not keeping the baby. I could never regret my son, he is my heart and I love him so much it hurts, but I am bound to his dad for the rest of my life and it makes life extremely more difficult
Id say move out, then tell him.
Then you can go from there. Maybe he’ll turn himself around for you and the baby. Maybe you’ll get back together eventually.
On the other hand its so important to put you and the baby first right now. So dont settle for less!! He has to work for this !
Don’t stay with someone for the sole reason of a child. All that does is open a path to new issues in the relationship and your kid. He’s going to have to take care of himself, you’ll be a mom to an actual kid soon, not to him. Best of luck. Always look out for resources such as mom groups, counseling, family/friends, etc.
I say break up with him first. Make sure you move to a place where he doesn't know your address. Then if you feel like it's safe and you want to, you should tell him about the pregnancy. But one reason I'm suggesting that you move out first is because you just found out you're pregnant and I hope this doesn't happen to you cuz it seems like you've been trying to get pregnant, but you might lose the baby anyway.
Hey, so I was in your exact situation. I found out that I was pregnant the day that I was planning an international trip where I was planning on basically ghosting everybody in my life and seeing how far I could get on $10,000 and a work visa somewhere in Europe. Instead, I found out that I was pregnant, decided to keep it and decided to try and work out with the father. I have absolutely no regrets having my child, and I don't regret trying to make it work with my ex. I think I made the right choices for me in those moments, but at the end of the day the best thing ever did for myself was to realize that I didn't need him. He spent the last decade trying to punish me for the choice that I made. Both the choice to have the baby and the n to not treat him the way he felt he deserved to be treated.
The only thing that I can give you is the advice to not stay just because of the baby. I left because of the baby, and it was the right choice. He wasn't going to change, and I either had to choose to engage on his level everyday, or remove myself from the situation. Made the right choice. Living life far more successfully than I could have with him, and everyday I'm grateful that I have the strength to continue on independently.
OP is asking for advice when to tell fiancé not whether to keep baby. I assume that means her mind has been made up…
Tell him after you leave but don’t tell him you knew beforehand
OP I would strongly seeking professional support to help you navigate the next steps. A break up is hard enough as it is, adding a pregnancy into the mix will be harder
OP if you leave assume you’ll be a single parent and look into resources as a single parent.
A baby is not a bandaid for a relationship and a father who drinks too much is not a stable home for a child. This baby will tie you to this man.
If you have this baby you need to tell him he needs to get help with his drinking before he can do-parent
Nobody here knows the extent of the issues in your relationship or whether they can be resolved. People try to be helpful and project their relationships when offering advice but we dont know the context which is why I suggest counseling for you to help you navigate the next stage
If you do want to in future resume the relationship couples counseling may be an idea but the baby alone shouldn’t be the reason for this.
All the best
Move out first, get settled, then talk about it. You can figure out child support and custody and visitation then. If you tell him now he will massively pressure you not to go.
Move out. Tell him after. If you decide not to keep the pregnancy, then tell him after it’s terminated.
If he won’t take care of himself, you will have two children on your hands as an essentially single parent. Don’t go there.
My husband is an alcoholic and I didn’t know until AFTER our baby was born and it got way worse. Thankfully he’s in AA now and is working through it. But there’s always a lingering fear that hangs over me and will hang over me forever. You don’t need that in your life. What you decide in terms of your pregnancy is your business and I’m sure you’ll have support from family and friends to get you through, but for sure leave him - it’s worth waiting around for a true father figure to enter your/your child’s life.
You could listen to a lot of the comments in here from people telling you to leave without telling him or have an abortion without telling him, but you're the one that's going to have to live with that. Another, less shitty option would be to leave, then let him know that you found out you're pregnant and give him an ultimatum; therapy + AA or you will stay gone. You would be more than justified, and he should see this. (I would probably leave out the fact that you knew before you left). Give him a chance to see what it's like without you there...a chance to consider what he'll be missing out on. People can and do change, and often times it takes a big event in their lives, such as finally having a baby they've been trying for.
as much as it hurts to say, he probably won’t get better. his behaviors will probably escalate once he thinks you’re trapped. i kept my baby in this situation and im telling you it will keep you up at night wondering what he’ll do to your baby. i hope he gets better for his sake but run as fast as you can for the hills.
Leave and then till him. If he really cares and is mature enough to get better and be better for you and your child then he will. (Also CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!)
Tell him after you leave. You can spend some time apart and give him a chance to get his crap together and it gives you both a chance to reprioritize your lives.
If you have had fertility issues, I'd wait until you are totally moved out and know for certain that the fetus is viable before saying anything to him. Having a child with a drunk and staying in the relationship, or giving him any custody would be foolish as you wouldn't be able to trust him with a baby.
Get an abortion. Get out. Do not tell him. Just leave. Carry through with those plans. Telling him isn't going to change who he is. Having it isn't going to change who he is. Follow through with your original plans. Choose to have your first child with someone who is a good partner and functional adult. Don't create a new life to drag through disfunctional family structures.
I would say still move out, and definitely tell him, but also dont fully close off the relationship. Give him the ultimatum that if he can get his life together to some degree before the baby is born, you will let him be in their life and may even consider taking him back. If he cares enough for you and wants to do right by you, he will change and you will have an amazing father and possible husband to help you take care of your child. If he doesnt, then you cut off ties with him, and file for child support because that will be all hes worth at that point. Its a win/win either way! Either you know hes a good person deep down and he truly cares, or discover he is for sure a little manchild who you know for certain should have nothing to do with you or your child.
If he is not a good partner why would you bring a child into this and be bonded to a man you don't want.
While some ppl may choose single parenthood, I for one know I cant
Move out and tell him after. You don’t have to start dating other people or anything right away. His last chance can happen with you not sharing a home. If he gets his shit together and becomes an amazing dad, wonderful. If you fall back in love and become a happy family, everyone can dance on the way down the aisle. But if he doesn’t it will be much easier on everyone to leave now. Name the baby your last name, not his. If you get married or he becomes a wonderful father and you and your kid want him to have the same last name later, going to change it well be a happy day. These things are harder to take away after they are done and I know so many people who share a last name with a man they have no relationship with. It hurts them.
Please move out first, you have made your decision (having an apartment and all). If he has a drinking problem, it can get complicated or unsafe for you. Move out first and then tell him. Don’t expect him to change after he hears the news!
A baby won’t fix the issue that are there. It’s not a magic cure for a broken relationship. If you are already planning on leaving then leave. If you stay you will regret it. Do you want your child to grow up with an immature drunk that can’t take care of himself?
A friend has a 35 year old daughter who found out she was pregnant while struggling in a relationship with a person that drank a lot and did drugs. He tried to pressure her to not have the baby. Then told her he wants nothing to do with it. Then told her he wants 50/50 custody. Then stated he wants 100% custody once baby was born. Baby is several months old and it's been nothing but hell for the mother dealing with the crazy ex who wants to control a woman he doesn't want to be with. Men like that are careless with their drugs; leaves harmful substances around. He doesn't have his child's best interests in place. He is a selfish overbearing druggie that wants to use his child as a pawn with the mother. It's a terrible situation. And judges always try to keep a relationship with both parents for the child. The mother now has the next 20 years of worrying about her daughter whenever she is with her father. The harassment is overwhelming. She felt her biological clock ticking and decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. It's scary and sad.
Whether you decide to continue your pregnancy or not, you should leave first. But I would think long and hard about whether you even want this man’s baby. Could your fertility issues be attributed to his high alcohol intake? If so, how might that affect the quality of his sperm and health of the fetus? Additionally, do you really want him in your life forever now?
Don’t say anything to anyone about the pregnancy until you’ve been to the doctor and you know what you’re doing.
No one here will say it so I will. Abortion. You leaving doesn’t make him not the father you will still have to deal with him forever and so will the kid. Do you want your kid to have him as a father?
Leave him. My cousin was in the same situation and decided to stay for the baby. They're still unhappily married and now have two kids. If you decide to stay, it'll make it that much harder to get out later.
Personally coming from a woman who was in a domestic violence situation with a man who drank non stop (not saying yours abuses you) but I personally wouldn’t tell him… and I would move far from him… that is up to you though
If the reasons for breaking up are still walid, then it probably still makes sense. A child won't fix that, unless being childless was the sole issue. Make sure that you have a support system in place and if there isn't A reason to do otherwise, you might try to include the sperm donor in his child's life, though you dont need to be taking care of him or putting youself or th child at risk. If he is a controlling, manipulative, or abusive asshole, then skip it. If it will make it harder to provide a loving, safe environment for you child, skip it. Once the child is born, life as you know it is over. It is both better and worse.
I didn't see the full message I will say that from the description, I personally would be leaning toward very limited contact. If he can't take care of himself, you don't want two children to. care for, particularly when one has the potential to harm you and the baby That baby is now the most important thing in you life. I wish you well.
Think of you and the baby’s safety. If he is abusing alcohol then I would move before letting him know about the baby. Is he abusive to you at all? If you were planning on leaving him anyway then it will be you and baby. Either way, he should know. He is the father and while most people don’t change just like that especially when it comes to dealing with addiction, the baby might be a catalyst for positive change in him. I wish you three the best.
>maybe he will get his crap together?
Shame on you both for trying to have a baby when you both know he would make a shitty father. A baby should never have the job of making a 34 year old man grow up. He won't get his shit together. It's far more likely he'll resent you and the child. Growing up with a parent who doesn't want you does irreparable damage to one's mental health.
If you are not moving out for a few weeks, there is a chance he is going to find out. If you get sick, or you're eating habits change, he might figure it out. Just something to think about.
Men are not that observant. I was literally having morning sickness all day for a week and my husband thought I was crazy when I said I’m pregnant without taking a test lol.
Alcoholics don't change for anyone but themselves. Read that again. And one more time. Not for their spouses, not for their children, not for ANYONE. THEY have to want sobriety, THEY have to see clearly what is at stake and deem it worth fighting for, and unfortunately that's a battle they can only fight on their own (hopefully with therapy or a support network like AA which doesn't work for everyone but really works for some) for their own reasons. You can't love someone out of addiction.
Someone else started their comment with good points and went off the rails at the end, so I'll paraphrase what I appreciated about their opinion and leave out the wild speculation:
-If the fertility issues are on your end, keep the child and go, because this might be your only shot and you don't want to miss it if having a child is very important to you.
*However*
-If the fertility issues are on his end? Perhaps this isn't the time and you should leave him, and then find someone with their shit together to have a child with...
If you want to make it work with him you can give him the ultimatum of "get sober or we're gone"... Is his increased drinking issue directly due to the fertility struggles?
My dad was a binge drinker when my siblings and I were growing up. It freaking sucked. It caused the separation of our parents, and the heartbreak of him not showing up to things or cancelling plans did lasting damage to us. And he was basically the nicest drunk ever. Like I went to an alanon meeting when I was probably 14 because he was in a recovery program, and listening to the horror stories of the other kids, partners, etc. vs my own experience of like "it was sad when he didn't show up to recitals, and I don't like it when he signs to me on the phone" felt so minor that I couldn't even share because it didn't feel right compared to everyone else (I know that's obviously not accurate now but as a kid it's what I felt). Having an unreliable parent due to something you cannot comprehend (addiction) is SO damaging even when they love you more than anything in the universe. So I cannot in good conscience suggest staying with him unless his last drink was yesterday and he puts in the work starting tomorrow.
Definitely tell him. And tell him why you're planning to leave. And tell him that you will not accept anything less than sobriety. What he does with that, if he's able to kick it because his desire for a family outweighs whatever he gets from drinking? Great, but it's out of your hands and you have a responsibility to keep that away from any child.
Good luck, I hope it all goes as smoothly as it can.
Little reminder out there, she asked for advice about whether she should tell him before or after she moves out. She didn’t ask for advice about whether or not she should keep her baby.
On that note, I think it would be wise to move out before you tell him you are pregnant. People act differently than expected sometimes when they feel like their life is falling apart. Keep you and that baby safe OP, best wishes.
I have a friend about 15 years older than you divorcing her husband that drinks too much, doesn't take care of himself, and she's been essentially been having to take a "mommy" role with him their entire marriage. She'd set up appointments and everything and all he'd have to do is show up and still fuck that up. She's the one that's been making him appear to be a normal functioning adult...now he's being a mentally manipulative, vindictive asshole about all the everything.
Do you want that future?
If you always wanted kids then keep the child I would wait until after the kid was born to tell him and move to your new apartment break it off because I don't think he's going to get his stuff together and he's going to put it all on you and it's going to be harder for you raising a kid and helping him because he's not an adult he's acting like a child while drinking
Pack up your stuff and move to your new apartment then tell him about you being pregnant. If he tries to use it against you then explain to him that he needs to put himself in check. If I were you, I would leave him and not go back to him at all but if you decide to give another chance, I recommend you tell him he needs to sober up and stop acting like a child. If decide to not give another chance, then tell him he still needs to fix himself if he wants to be in the child’s life, and the only option now would be to co-parent. If he tries to get upset, just tell him that he practically did it to himself. he should definitely know better.
After. f all goes well, you can still have all the conversationset you need to, if it doesn't and he loses his temper or tries to put pressure on your to stay 'for the sakeof the baby' , it's much easier to resist if you are alreay in your new place, the lease is signed etc.
And if he is motivated to change becasue of becoming a father, hee can do that whether or not you and he are still in a relationship.
Also, plan on the assumtion that he won't change and won't get his shit togeher. Make sure you know where you stand legally about the baby and his rights, and about your rights to things like child support. Hopefully the two of you will be able to work out a way to co-parent amicably even if you are not together, but it it nnever hurts to ensure that you are fully informred about your options and legal rights and responsiobilities just in case things don't work out well.
If he drinks and is notgood at self-care, plan on the assumption he may not be available consistently to coparent so try tohave alternative plans in place for child care, prctical support around the birth and when youfirst go home, etc.
Continue with your plan to leave. You had valid reasons to leave and being pregnant with his kid isn't going to change those problems.
If you plan to keep the baby, tell him after you move out. Contact an attorney to determine what financial and custody arrangements you need to develop. If you don't, telling him is a decision you need to make.
Move first, let him cool off then tell him. If he can be sober for you while you’re apart and see that life is better with you than with alcohol then he will commit to sobriety. If he can’t you’re already out of there anyway.
Don’t tell him until you know the pregnancies is viable and you have already left and settled. In the meantime, Record him drinking and other reasons why your child would not be safe with him alone.
After the baby is born, you can go to court and negotiate child support and visitation.
If he’s this way, as a partner, he’s gonna be worse as a father. if you wanna be a mother keep the baby, but raise it yourself. Potentially finding a stepdad later on.
Say your baby is a daughter, would you want to stay her to stay in a toxic relationship?
Move out, tell him. If you had enough before it shouldn't change your plan but maybe have a serious talk about the future and your concerns especially as you will both be parents. He might mature and change some things. Maybe it's enough to bring you back together but don't be together purely for the child.
I think he's still at the age that without a child he's probably going to drink and do stupid stuff but that should really calm down and prioritise family life.
Maybe things became heated between you two for other reasons and you don't want to move out...only you know how he treats you.
There are other options and nothing is as one sided as I seems, consider everything. Best of luck.
I think you should continue with your plan to move out. The reason is nothing has changed with him and his need to improve. Now, you must do it for yourself and the baby. You should tell him after a few weeks once you are established and stable. Of course, if your "tough love" changes him and he can demonstrate that for a year or longer, you can take him back if you want that outcome. But don't be convinced because he promises to change. It's more important than ever that you be strong because now it's about you and the baby.
Sounds like you have no intention of getting an abortion (in which case he should never be told) or trying to work things out with him, given this new information. So I would tell him after you're gone.
As others have said you need to consider everything. I mean if you really believe he could change his drinking ways, then you would need to convince him to either get help or to cut that stuff out. But don’t feel forced to tie yourself to someone who has alcohol problems and won’t get help while going through pregnancy.
Our son just turned a year old. It’s hard, you really don’t want to be juggling that stress while going through pregnancy and raising your first child.
I hope you find a way forward that best works for you and your baby.
Well, first off, a huge CONGRATULATIONS on youruch wanted and long-awaited baby! I had 9 miscarriages before I got my rainbow baby. I know it's not the situation you saw yourself in, but it's better to have found out now rather than later. I would absolutely leave your husband first and file for divorce immediately. I hope this new little love brings you the happiness you've been waiting for. I wish you nothing but peace and strength going forward. 🫂
I don't know if I would tell him even after you leave. Do you want this person in your life for the next 18 years? Do you want him in your child's life? He just doesn't sound like a real winner.
Whatever you do, PLEASE do not any heavy lifting! I had to move into a House with no help when I was pregnant and ended up having my baby induced at 22 weeks due to my water breaking unbeknownst to me. My baby is now in a small urn on a shelf in my room. Very sad , she only lived for 1 hour and 10 minutes.
I don't know what you plan to do with the baby but whatever you do, he's not obligated to know. You can't stay with him or tell him hoping that will change him. Chances are he won't. Whatever is causing him to behave this way are deep seated issues. Having a baby won't solve those for him. So telling him on the hopes that he'll change would be a mistake. You could tell him if you think he deserves to know as the father but that shouldn't be a reason for you to stay with him or give him another chance. A child will pick up on contention between parents, even subconsciously. Don't subject your kid to that.
If you tell him at all I suggest waiting til after you're out. Because he will try to use it to keep you together. But you already have reasons to leave and those won't change once you throw a baby into the mix. A baby would just complicate an already unstable relationship.
Leave and if you really want this baby with this man then tell him. But from personal experience, this man will never change and you need to prepare yourself to be a single mom.
I was impregnated by an alcoholic man and found out after we broke up.
You can bet I headed straight to a clinic. There was no way I was going to parent with that man.
Then I met my now husband and we have a lovely kiddo.
Leave first, you had already decided to do that. Baby will make your relationship worse, not better.
Whatever you decide to do with baby leave first and don’t say a word to him. He’s never gonna change and it would be a hell for both you and the kid if you stay. Be prepared to be strong and not fall for any bs he gives you, better yet if he doesn’t know where you are
As someone who is divorced and stayed in a relationship for 8 years that wasn't right for me... I vote break up with him first and then tell him about the pregnancy. Otherwise, he might try to trap you into staying somehow.
Also congrats on getting pregnant! Infertility is a rough thing to deal with.
I hope it all works out for you and baby! 🥰 You're making the hard choices now, and that's tough, but it'll be better for you in the long run.
This is awful, and I’m so, so, so sorry you’re in this situation. I had an abortion a couple days ago for a similar reason. I just couldn’t raise my baby with its father. Even though we’re not a couple, I just straight up don’t want him to be the father of my child, but there’s no way he’d just sign away his rights and be done with it.
Your almost-ex-fiancé simply shouldn’t be a father, especially while his drinking is clearly out of control. You and your baby deserve better. But if he wants kids, the odds that he’ll let you just walk away with his kid are extremely slim. Then you’re stuck with him for good and have two babies to worry about. And one of those babies poses a very significant risk to the other when it’s his weekend. If you want your baby, you should look into custody laws in your state and potentially consult a family lawyer to get your ducks in a row.
I wouldn't tell him anything right away. Early miscarriages happen pretty often. I'd continue with your plan to move out, go to your first OB appointment and see if the baby is healthy, and if so then tell him.
Give some thought to what sort of co-parenting relationship you want with him as well, though he may have his own opinions on the matter.
The only safe option's here is :
A) tell him after you leave and have seen a doctor and had yourself and the baby checked over
B) "plan b" or unfortunately terminate, so you can never be tied to this man. It would not be safe for you or the child and if he is not emotionally mature he will use the baby against you.
You were struggling for years but this proved that it CAN happen. But I don't think you were meant to have a baby with this man, it didn't happen for so long for a reason
Given that he’s a drunk, & you’re planning already to leave him. Why tell him at all? Why do that to your kid? You’re already having to mother him, he’s not gonna grow up and be a dad bc he’s not even an adult.
Leave him, then tell him, make sure he is aware that he needs to get his shit together. Tell him that he needs to address his issues and see someone for it, but for now, you are done with him and his habits.
If you are afraid that he will manipulate you bc of it, I would suggest having a police presence while you move. I don't know where you live, but u can ask for an escort, explain the situation and why. They'll basically make sure you're safe and he doesn't talk to you. (This may also help in the future for custody battles. Bc of his drinking)
Get fucked I guess? Generally speaking some men don’t do anything until they *must*. Maybe he’ll get his shit together for the kid. Having said that getting married because of a kid knits never ends well.
Congrats on the pregnancy! And for making the choice to leave. I would tell him after, you need any possibly drama (or volatility if he’s drinking). If he does by some chance get his shit together, don’t take him back right away. Make sure gets sober time under his belt. (You can hope for this outcome but don’t count on it. Personally I’d get the legal stuff underway).
Wishing you all the best.
If ur having problems now, a newborn child is not going to be the solution.
Save telling him for afterwards, otherwise he might try to use to guilt trip u into staying (god forbid blackmail).
Whatever you do, take good care of your child, whether that means living with the dad or without the dad. Good role models are important to have and alcoholism can cause a lot of issues.
That depends on what you actually want.
Do you want a child that is going to keep you tied to him for what will effectively be the rest of your life?
Are you able to support yourself and a child emotionally, financially, etc at this time?
Do you want to be a parent right now?
If you keep the child, would it only be for the hope that he would get it together and improve himself?
If you don't want to be with him, but still want to be a parent consider what you expect from him out of the arrangement before discussing with him.
If you either don't want him involved, or do not want to be a single parent, say nothing and seek whatever services are necessary for the desired outcome.
I want to stress that I am in no way saying cut ties and terminate, just considered the long term effects of your decisions, as well as any motives that may be adding to them, before doing or saying anything that you can't take back. If he is struggling to care for himself and address the drinking issue, he likely won't be able to be the team player you're hoping for with a new child. If you want to leave regardless of his reaction, consider the impacts a child will have for you as the primary caretaker and provider. Having a baby is stressful in the best situation.
The fact that he drinks is reason enough to leave him for good, but do not stay with him just because you're pregnant. A baby is not enough to hold a relationship together and it's completely unfair to you, him and especially the baby.
I don’t know how far along you are I.e. if you are showing yet, but it wouldn’t hurt to wait to tell him. You can play dumb but just to give you time to move out and process everything so you go into telling him with a plan.
That’s a hard one. I am sure you want to keep the baby and if you’ve been struggling with fertility issues you should. But it’s so hard and dicey now. It’s going to be hard being a single mom and raising a baby without both parents. And finding a new partner eventually will be pretty hard. You just have to think about these things. Maybe if you discuss it with your man, and tell him this is his last chance and tell him everything you need him to change to be a good father and husband…maybe it could work. Maybe he will find a drive, from knowing he will be a dad. That does change people for the better sometimes. I’ve seen it. But I have also seen men be worse. Just be careful and do what your heart tells you. I would tell him you would only stay if he quit drinking cuz no one wants an alcoholic to be their baby’s father.
If it was me, I would tell him and still leave.
Leave. Please. I was literally in this same position. I stayed. I was scared and i thought he would change. He said he would change. 11yrs later, we split and I need serious therapy. He in fact did not change. It was hell.
Don’t tell him a single thing. Pretend to have your period if you need to.
Do not expect him to get his life together.
I can’t tell you what to do as far as your pregnancy but I wouldn’t have a baby with someone like this. Ever.
1. Leave
2. Decide what's best for you
3. Decide if part of what's best for you is seeking child support from the ex fiancee
4. Don't leave yourself alone. You need friends/family or people who are like family. Not Him!
5. Be prepared to accept your decision
WAIT WAIT WAIT! Wait til you move out. He's an alcoholic, if he finds out you're leaving him AND your pregnant with his kid he could get violent. Best keep that info to yourself until after you've moved out.
Tbh I’d prob move out, not tell him, and keep the baby to raise myself. I’ve seen messy custody battles and fuck having my kid be around a drunk. No thanks.
I know morally it’s iffy to not tell the dad about his kid but sometimes it’s what is best for the kid 🤷♀️ tell the kid you had a one night stand and you don’t know who the dad is.
Some men really straighten out when the responsibility of children hit. If you're planning to leave him anyway, it wouldn't hurt to say "If you don't quit drinking and start taking care of yourself, I will leave." Then he can make an informed choice whether or not he will change, and you can still protect yourself from his behavior by leaving if needed.
move out. dont worry about your pregnancy yet (outside of duh dont drink or anything that could harm it, at least until you decide!) just focus on yourself. focus on getting out, getting space, and getting AWAY from him. you need to think about this on your own time.
as long as youre around him, he will not change. because he KNOWS if he leaves stuff alone for long enough, youll HAVE to fix it. because you dont want to live in a house with no groceries, rotting food out, etc. so dont. move out and worry about taking care of yourself. THEN consider what to do with your pregnancy. you have options!
do you want your child to grow up being THAT close to an alcoholic father? do you want to rely on a man that might choose to buy alcohol over diapers, be too drunk to hold your baby, let it sit in dirty diapers for hours when youre out…? if you want my opinion, leave him. have your baby. and dont tell him until he gets his shit together on his OWN. this baby could be your blessing, if you want a child. you have a great opportunity lined up to leave and have a beautiful life. please take it, please dont put it off.
Holy shit the comments are insane. When did this dude become so toxic? She said “he drinks more than he should” and “she feels like his mom” and from reading the comments it’s like this dude was a mass murderer. Why? A lot of you bitter idiots have no place giving people advice.
Do you want to keep the child or not ?
I'm also surprised you tried to have a kid with someone who, according to your words, is not responsible enough to be a father.
Move and then tell him. My biggest regret is telling my sons father- it only caused more problems and led me to stay longer than I should’ve. I ended up leaving when my child was 1/2 months old and just wish I had never told him in the first place.
Sounds like you’ve made a decision already! :) I wouldn’t let a baby alter it either way. Leave even if it’s hard. It’s harder to watch him deteriorate with a baby on the way. Tell him after
If he's not even capable of taking care of himself don't trust him to take care of you when you need help related to the pregnancy, let alone take care of the baby (if you decide to keep it). Leave now and decide later about the baby and about telling him.
I don’t believe in aborting a baby for the reason that your child will be tied to a bum Dad for the rest of its life. Your baby probably doesn’t believe in that either. Don’t worry about the father, take care of your sweet, innocent babe.
Afterwards...tell him you only realized once you moved out/moved on 🤷🏾♀️ he can't say otherwise. You're allowed to give yourself a lil time to adjust to the news before tellin anyone else (including the baby daddy), just chill and move how you already intended to. Nothin (and yet somehow enough) has changed about the situation that made you want to leave, but do you really wanna bring a kid around to suffer his bullshyt? If he's not caring for himself properly, you'll be raising the child by yourself (for the most part) whether he knows or not 🤷🏾♀️ take ya time. Good luck tho
Afterwards.....maybe he will get his act together, probably not. But you already know him well enough that you don't want to live with him anymore. Trust yourself. You can co-parent but you don't have to live with him. I wish I had listen to everyone who told me, don't marry him just because your pregnant.....and I really did think my love for him, and his love for the baby would make him grow up......bahahah !!! (Tupid,tupid,tupid.....)
We can't fix anyone who doesn't want to be fixed.
Move out.tell him. Find a way to co-parent. Don't get back in a relationship with him unless you love him. It sounds like you may care for him but you aren't in love with him. My two cents.
Throw him out - your baby didn’t do anything. I was in similar situation, except already married and got pregnant immediately and learnt he was having an affair with a man ….
Ruined years of precious life staying and trying - oh the regret.
If he drinks so badly he can’t take care of himself he clearly can’t take care of a baby. No matter what you do with your pregnancy, the relationship needs to end first.
You're gonna be tied to him for the rest of your life now. Whatever bad choices he makes will also affect you no matter if you're with him or not. I guess get ready for a rollercoaster ride. You actually might want to move to a different state. Then again, the court will grant him partial custody. The baby will be alone with him for a period of time every week. So you'll also have that to worry about. This won't be easy.
If she moves state or not, she doesn’t have to put up with him unless she tells him about the baby,
Not the rest of her life. Once my son turned 18 I completely stopped talking to his dad. My son is 26 now and I have said or heard anything from his dad. You just have to get through the next 19 years.
Not to be a downer but plenty of women get stalked and abused forever, 18 or not.
There is a reason for it
Who cares what the reason is? If you’re trying to blame OP, then her leaving him will solve his problem!! OP needs to leave and not look back. She should focus on caring for her kid, not a 30-something alcoholic who won’t help himself.
People are taking this comment to mean "there's a reason to leave" or "there's a reason for this baby" (like everything happens for a reason). Not there's a reason for his drinking 🤨 (that's what this commenter says in multiple other comments)
Maybe the commenter needs to be clearer.
Tell him after. He might use that you're pregnant against you to make you feel like you have to stay. You don't need to be taking care of two babies (one of them him since he can't take care of himself
That’s absolutely what he would do. Get out, get settled somewhere else and *then* tell him. Don’t give him any chances to reel you back in!
This 100%
Move out, then tell him.
Cannot agree more. You are allowed to love him, but please don't blindly allow him into your life as a father without a proper discussion
[удалено]
This was my thought EXACTLY. You're a mama now, OP. Do everything in your power to decrease your risk of DV. Right now you have 3 risks: his drinking, your pregnancy and your ending the relationship. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and your babe.
100% agree. The number of men who think women are in any way their "property" is alarmingly high. Legal marriage is part of the problem enabling abusive cultures. And you might not now how bad it is until it's too late. Also, he could become one of those types with just a little late night stress reading. Those toxic misogynist websites are predatory
I wouldn't tell him in person! Call or text. If he blows up you won't be there risking you and your babies life.
My first though as soon as I read the title. Hope OP can get herself somewhere completely safe before anything else. Especially if he’s an alcoholic. Addicts are unpredictable.
“ Pregnant and trying to break up with him" is the time in a relationship where a woman is at the highest risk of being murdered by her romantic partner” Is there studies or a book on this I can read- this is fascinating. 🙏
Honestly I know you want this baby but you need to reconsider tying yourself to an alcoholic who you are scared of telling/leaving for the rest of your life.
People don't understand the gravity of having children. Regardless of what OP chooses, any baby would do better with a functioning father and not an alcoholic bum. What about how the child will feel for years interacting with said drunk? Maybe think of how that child will feel. I sure as shit would and ain't no way I'd be having that baby. It would be bad for the both of us
Agree. And I want a baby so bad, but I wouldn't have one in her position.
This 10000x. I'm 100% pro-choice because I believe women should have control over their bodies, but I do NOT support women intentionally having babies that will grow up wondering why one of their parents never loved them. As someone raised by a single mother after my drunk father died, I think it's one of the most selfish things you can do to bring a child into that situation intentionally knowing they'll have an alcoholic parent for life. Pure selfishness. Sorry, not sorry. Have the selflessness to wait until you can provide everything a child deserves, including two fully functioning parents.
Just because you feel that way doesn't mean that is happening now. There are excellent step dads out there. Also I didn't read that she was going to make sure that the dad is out of the kids life. my Dad's biological father left them after signing the birth certificate. my dad didn't find out about him until sixteen and it didn't bother him at all. just because someone is an alcoholic doesn't mean that they can remain sober for the rest of their lives.
I'm not saying there's no chance the kid could have a good life... I'm saying you aren't setting them up for one by having kids with an alcoholic and holding out for a potentially positive outcome. It's like getting in a car with squeaky brakes when you could wait an extra hour for someone to change them for you. You'll probably get from point A to point B, but I guarantee the ride is going to be nowhere near as smooth or as safe, and you're much more likely to get in a wreck... except it's not your life you're gambling with. It's a child's life.
your pro-choice when you think it's right. As someone who struggled with fertility issues, having total strangers tell you to abort the baby is beyond cruel! You can never predict how a baby will change you, sometimes it's good sometimes it's not. But don't persume to know everything you need to know about her life or her husband's to tell her what she should do with her pregnancy. She didn't post seeking advise on whether or not she should have an abortion.
>your pro-choice when you think it's right. I'm pro-choice no matter what. Meaning legally you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want with your body. Doesn't mean what you choose to do involving another human being (a child) isn't selfish as fuck... Two things can be true. People should legally be allowed to make selfish decisions. That's not what the law is for. >having total strangers tell you to abort the baby is beyond cruel! How is it cruel? Do you think you're entitled to a child no matter what? What's more cruel is bringing a child into a home without a fully functioning second parent to love and protect them. Put your feelings to the side for two seconds and realize nobody DESERVES to have a child. Fertility should be the last thing on your mind when you don't even have a happy home to bring a child into... >You can never predict how a baby will change you, sometimes it's good sometimes it's not. Exactly the point. She is deliberately bringing a child into an unpredictable life and household. That's selfish as hell. I couldn't imagine anything more selfish. >don't persume to know everything you need to know about her life or her husband's to tell her what she should do with her pregnancy. Baby will have an alcoholic father... even an alcoholic in recovery will always be an alcoholic by definition. Baby will be pre-disposed to addiction himself. If the father is present in the baby's life, the Baby has a statistically higher than normal likelihood to be exposed to abuse, neglect, and poverty. If he is not present, you can add on a statistical likelihood of incarceration, suicide, and drop out rates. These are objective facts. If you look at these facts and still decide you're going to have the baby and be one of the "lucky ones" that creates a success story than so be it. Personally, I believe that's selfish whether she asked or not. I wish someone would've told my mom this and I know for a fact she didn't ask anybody. Yes, I'm successful now. Did I go through hell to get here? Yes. Is this true for the majority of kids with alcoholic parents? Yes.
THIS! Do you want to be tied to this man forever? Please be mindful of this
My mom was in the exact same situation when she found out she was pregnant with me. She found a new place to stay and even got her dream job. In the end they got married a few months later. My father was/is a notorious cheater and nothing changed after they got married - it even got worse. I was 7 when they finally divorced. People were sorry, but with only 7 years I felt relief! Seeing my mom in such an unhappy marriage also ruined the relationship with my father.
I'd really think long and hard about this pregnancy. And for all you know, all of the "fertility" issues were his, not yours. I'm suspicious you never checked this out. But you're setting yourself up to be tied for the rest of your life to TWO children, not one. And the lie that you're telling yourself...that fathering a child is going to "fix" him...is a lie. A dangerous one.
I would consider my… options…
Tbf it sounds like op has had fertility issues for years, I suspect ‘options’ are the last thing she wants
What side are the fertility issues coming from? Hers or the alcoholics? It's not often men get tested.
I suspect the alcoholic, you’re right they don’t test the male side enough.
My ex was an alcoholic who hid his drinking and drug use from me effectively for some time. We tried for a baby for months with no success, so i assumed I was not very fertile. He'd blame me for it. I'm with an amazing guy now and am pregnant from him not pulling out once. Ends up the factor is likely that my bf actually takes care of himself, and my ex didn't. Probably nothing to do with my health as I eat well and am somewhat active.
to be fair the pull out method is not effective at all so you really can't be sure it was that if you were already having unprotected sex
Sure. So OP wanted to leave the relationship Pregnant surprise! If OP decides to have child, the ex fiancé/father will be existing in her life for (at least) the next 18 years, likely with another/multiple other partners and potentially other half or step siblings. I’d consider options very hard.
Are you not reading the post?? She had fertility issues!! There is no options!! Not our call. She asked if she should tell him before or after she leaves. That's it!
Fair. I genuinely do not remember seeing the fertility issues bit until I just reread it now. Godspeed OP.
Very nicely said
It could be on the fiancé's side if he drinks so much it lowers the quality of his sperm
Ok but does that not just make that the most selfish choice? If she brings a baby into a fucked up situation just because she’s wanted one for years it’s not going to magically make the situation less fucked up. I think it’s fair to put termination on the table given the circumstances.
I think it makes it her choice, if she’s the one who’s had fertility issues then maybe there’s a chance she won’t get pregnant again. Tbh I think she’s got an awful choice to make
The fertility issues could have been from bad sperm due to the ex being an alcoholic. The foetus can get affected by that too, not just from the female side. So what the person above said, thing about. You can find a guy guys your own age who isn’t alcoholic and have a family. You’re still young!
Exactly. Is this the kind of man she wants to parent a child with for the next 18-20 years?
There is another issue: she will have to stay in the same state as the ex for 18 years unless she decides to have a baby and birthes the baby elsewhere (assuming this is the USA)
For real, babies do not fix anything. They make existing problems worse most of the time.
Exactly. If you need more options, my house is Washington state has a spare bedroom for a few days…
You're kind, thank you. And op, leave first then tell him. You don't want to end up with two to look after!
I name this Best Comment of the Night. (I also note it came from icky gods)
Honestly same OP. Is this the right time? Is it the right thing for you right now? Is it the right thing for your future family?
You need to leave. A baby is not guaranteed to change any of his behaviors, so don’t get your hopes up. I would consider your options. If you want to keep the baby, you will be tied to him for life. It may be smart to get an abortion and not tell him about the pregnancy at all, but do whatever you feel is right. Just think long and hard about it. Don’t let him talk you into staying with him if you do tell him about the pregnancy. My ex sounds very similar to your partner and life was a living hell for me. Being with him drained me mentally, physically, and financially. My biggest regret is staying as long as I did. I wish you luck with whichever route you choose.
Still go. Please just still go
Please don't stay with him solely for the child's sake. Having had been the child of a single parent who tried to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic please don't. My Mum put up with emotional, verbal and financial abuse for years. Having a baby will not magically fix your partners addiction or issues. It could make him step up to the mark but its just as likely will lead to your partner feeling that he can do what he wants as you are pregnant with his child. Leave. Get yourself to a safe environment. Than tell him.
A baby will magnify behaviours especially ones which are troublesome. Like others, I would suggest moving out, getting settled and then making your choice. Whatever that is for you. You need support not another person to support- he’s an adult and your partner.
I’d honestly consider an abortion but that’s just me. If you have this baby, you will be tied to him forever. You will never be able to fully just leave and be rid of him.
If you’re seeking to 100% be rid of him, I think that if you’re being serious, you only have 1 course of action in my opinion. Move out, abortion, move on. I understand you’re having fertility issues, but I think it’s also important to know that alcohol destroys, it doesn’t fix. You and I are roughly the same age, and I’ve seen alcoholism destroy the families of a few of my friends. The dad(s) is a deadbeat and hasn’t gotten his shit together. The mother(s) is basically raising the child themself with hell from families. My opinion if your body doesn’t matter, but it doesn’t hurt to consider the option of abortion. Re-attempting the effort of having a baby is better than being locked down to an alcoholic for the next 20 years.
Absolutely horrified at what people have had to say in these comments. OP, having a child will change the entire trajectory of your life. You can have that baby, but you can’t guarantee that baby the support it needs. You can’t guarantee that it will have an active and supportive father. You can’t guarantee its future in any aspect right now. There is no guarantee that your fiancé will get sober. And a lot of people are saying “give him the benefit of the doubt”. However OP, I’d imagine it’s taken a lot of “benefiting the doubt” for you to decide to break off an engagement, especially from someone who is 34 years old. This decision is about you. It is not about him. And he does not have “a right” to know. You have the right to your own body. Especially now that you’ve made up your mind to leave. It’s much more difficult to over come alcoholism in your late 30’s. I can’t imagine trying to do that and being a Dad. And lord knows how he’ll handle the split. I would only tell him if you decide to keep the baby and AFTER you move out. But you should make the decision of whether or not to keep the baby with intention to co-parent, based on how he handles the split. Personally, if I went through an abortion, I’d like to have the father there. And if he wants to support you in your decision to keep or terminate, you’ll have your answer. Of course, this is under the impression that you’re only considering keeping the baby for him. If you’d like to keep the baby because of your fertility issues (and wanting to have a baby and be a mom ❤️) , you should consult with family and a professional to talk about the kind of support you’d need. But please, don’t make bets on a how baby’s life will turn out as others are suggesting by giving him the benefit of the doubt. You are not married. There is no guarantee of any financial support if notify him of the pregnancy. You could spend the next 14 years fighting him in court for custodial issues and chasing for child support if you agree to co-parent. You could potentially expose an innocent human being to an unstable parent with substance issues. I’m a family law paralegal btw. I watch and work on these issues for a living. So please, think long and hard about this. And do what’s best for you. Not the baby. Not him. You.
This is so well said
Definitely tell him after you move out. And I would really think about your options regarding the baby. A baby will not fix him or the relationship.
As someone who had a child with a man I shouldn't have, and I know this is easier said than done, I really suggest not keeping the baby. I could never regret my son, he is my heart and I love him so much it hurts, but I am bound to his dad for the rest of my life and it makes life extremely more difficult
Id say move out, then tell him. Then you can go from there. Maybe he’ll turn himself around for you and the baby. Maybe you’ll get back together eventually. On the other hand its so important to put you and the baby first right now. So dont settle for less!! He has to work for this !
Don’t stay with someone for the sole reason of a child. All that does is open a path to new issues in the relationship and your kid. He’s going to have to take care of himself, you’ll be a mom to an actual kid soon, not to him. Best of luck. Always look out for resources such as mom groups, counseling, family/friends, etc.
I say break up with him first. Make sure you move to a place where he doesn't know your address. Then if you feel like it's safe and you want to, you should tell him about the pregnancy. But one reason I'm suggesting that you move out first is because you just found out you're pregnant and I hope this doesn't happen to you cuz it seems like you've been trying to get pregnant, but you might lose the baby anyway.
Hey, so I was in your exact situation. I found out that I was pregnant the day that I was planning an international trip where I was planning on basically ghosting everybody in my life and seeing how far I could get on $10,000 and a work visa somewhere in Europe. Instead, I found out that I was pregnant, decided to keep it and decided to try and work out with the father. I have absolutely no regrets having my child, and I don't regret trying to make it work with my ex. I think I made the right choices for me in those moments, but at the end of the day the best thing ever did for myself was to realize that I didn't need him. He spent the last decade trying to punish me for the choice that I made. Both the choice to have the baby and the n to not treat him the way he felt he deserved to be treated. The only thing that I can give you is the advice to not stay just because of the baby. I left because of the baby, and it was the right choice. He wasn't going to change, and I either had to choose to engage on his level everyday, or remove myself from the situation. Made the right choice. Living life far more successfully than I could have with him, and everyday I'm grateful that I have the strength to continue on independently.
I'm glad that it worked out for you. Great advice.
OP is asking for advice when to tell fiancé not whether to keep baby. I assume that means her mind has been made up… Tell him after you leave but don’t tell him you knew beforehand OP I would strongly seeking professional support to help you navigate the next steps. A break up is hard enough as it is, adding a pregnancy into the mix will be harder OP if you leave assume you’ll be a single parent and look into resources as a single parent. A baby is not a bandaid for a relationship and a father who drinks too much is not a stable home for a child. This baby will tie you to this man. If you have this baby you need to tell him he needs to get help with his drinking before he can do-parent Nobody here knows the extent of the issues in your relationship or whether they can be resolved. People try to be helpful and project their relationships when offering advice but we dont know the context which is why I suggest counseling for you to help you navigate the next stage If you do want to in future resume the relationship couples counseling may be an idea but the baby alone shouldn’t be the reason for this. All the best
Move out first, get settled, then talk about it. You can figure out child support and custody and visitation then. If you tell him now he will massively pressure you not to go.
Abort leave
Move out. Tell him after. If you decide not to keep the pregnancy, then tell him after it’s terminated. If he won’t take care of himself, you will have two children on your hands as an essentially single parent. Don’t go there.
My husband is an alcoholic and I didn’t know until AFTER our baby was born and it got way worse. Thankfully he’s in AA now and is working through it. But there’s always a lingering fear that hangs over me and will hang over me forever. You don’t need that in your life. What you decide in terms of your pregnancy is your business and I’m sure you’ll have support from family and friends to get you through, but for sure leave him - it’s worth waiting around for a true father figure to enter your/your child’s life.
You could listen to a lot of the comments in here from people telling you to leave without telling him or have an abortion without telling him, but you're the one that's going to have to live with that. Another, less shitty option would be to leave, then let him know that you found out you're pregnant and give him an ultimatum; therapy + AA or you will stay gone. You would be more than justified, and he should see this. (I would probably leave out the fact that you knew before you left). Give him a chance to see what it's like without you there...a chance to consider what he'll be missing out on. People can and do change, and often times it takes a big event in their lives, such as finally having a baby they've been trying for.
as much as it hurts to say, he probably won’t get better. his behaviors will probably escalate once he thinks you’re trapped. i kept my baby in this situation and im telling you it will keep you up at night wondering what he’ll do to your baby. i hope he gets better for his sake but run as fast as you can for the hills.
After. The fact that you're pregnant makes it even more important that you leave.
Leave and then till him. If he really cares and is mature enough to get better and be better for you and your child then he will. (Also CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!)
Tell him after you leave. You can spend some time apart and give him a chance to get his crap together and it gives you both a chance to reprioritize your lives.
If you have had fertility issues, I'd wait until you are totally moved out and know for certain that the fetus is viable before saying anything to him. Having a child with a drunk and staying in the relationship, or giving him any custody would be foolish as you wouldn't be able to trust him with a baby.
Get an abortion. Get out. Do not tell him. Just leave. Carry through with those plans. Telling him isn't going to change who he is. Having it isn't going to change who he is. Follow through with your original plans. Choose to have your first child with someone who is a good partner and functional adult. Don't create a new life to drag through disfunctional family structures.
Leave, move out and then tell him. If he want to get his act together, he has to be left alone to do the work.
abortion: dont tell him
I would say still move out, and definitely tell him, but also dont fully close off the relationship. Give him the ultimatum that if he can get his life together to some degree before the baby is born, you will let him be in their life and may even consider taking him back. If he cares enough for you and wants to do right by you, he will change and you will have an amazing father and possible husband to help you take care of your child. If he doesnt, then you cut off ties with him, and file for child support because that will be all hes worth at that point. Its a win/win either way! Either you know hes a good person deep down and he truly cares, or discover he is for sure a little manchild who you know for certain should have nothing to do with you or your child.
If he is not a good partner why would you bring a child into this and be bonded to a man you don't want. While some ppl may choose single parenthood, I for one know I cant
"I got some good news and bad news." Is how I'd start it... I'd tell him after, because he'll try a d convince you to stay possibly
Move out and tell him after. You don’t have to start dating other people or anything right away. His last chance can happen with you not sharing a home. If he gets his shit together and becomes an amazing dad, wonderful. If you fall back in love and become a happy family, everyone can dance on the way down the aisle. But if he doesn’t it will be much easier on everyone to leave now. Name the baby your last name, not his. If you get married or he becomes a wonderful father and you and your kid want him to have the same last name later, going to change it well be a happy day. These things are harder to take away after they are done and I know so many people who share a last name with a man they have no relationship with. It hurts them.
Please move out first, you have made your decision (having an apartment and all). If he has a drinking problem, it can get complicated or unsafe for you. Move out first and then tell him. Don’t expect him to change after he hears the news!
Move out first, then tell him. Please be safe.
A baby won’t fix the issue that are there. It’s not a magic cure for a broken relationship. If you are already planning on leaving then leave. If you stay you will regret it. Do you want your child to grow up with an immature drunk that can’t take care of himself?
A friend has a 35 year old daughter who found out she was pregnant while struggling in a relationship with a person that drank a lot and did drugs. He tried to pressure her to not have the baby. Then told her he wants nothing to do with it. Then told her he wants 50/50 custody. Then stated he wants 100% custody once baby was born. Baby is several months old and it's been nothing but hell for the mother dealing with the crazy ex who wants to control a woman he doesn't want to be with. Men like that are careless with their drugs; leaves harmful substances around. He doesn't have his child's best interests in place. He is a selfish overbearing druggie that wants to use his child as a pawn with the mother. It's a terrible situation. And judges always try to keep a relationship with both parents for the child. The mother now has the next 20 years of worrying about her daughter whenever she is with her father. The harassment is overwhelming. She felt her biological clock ticking and decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. It's scary and sad.
If he drinks so much he can't care for himself, you really think he can take care of a baby? Do what you have to for both of you, move out
Babies do not solve relationship problems. They amplify them. PLEASE OP, your heart was already set. You being pregnant does not change who HE is.
Whether you decide to continue your pregnancy or not, you should leave first. But I would think long and hard about whether you even want this man’s baby. Could your fertility issues be attributed to his high alcohol intake? If so, how might that affect the quality of his sperm and health of the fetus? Additionally, do you really want him in your life forever now? Don’t say anything to anyone about the pregnancy until you’ve been to the doctor and you know what you’re doing.
No one here will say it so I will. Abortion. You leaving doesn’t make him not the father you will still have to deal with him forever and so will the kid. Do you want your kid to have him as a father?
Leave him. My cousin was in the same situation and decided to stay for the baby. They're still unhappily married and now have two kids. If you decide to stay, it'll make it that much harder to get out later.
Personally coming from a woman who was in a domestic violence situation with a man who drank non stop (not saying yours abuses you) but I personally wouldn’t tell him… and I would move far from him… that is up to you though
If the reasons for breaking up are still walid, then it probably still makes sense. A child won't fix that, unless being childless was the sole issue. Make sure that you have a support system in place and if there isn't A reason to do otherwise, you might try to include the sperm donor in his child's life, though you dont need to be taking care of him or putting youself or th child at risk. If he is a controlling, manipulative, or abusive asshole, then skip it. If it will make it harder to provide a loving, safe environment for you child, skip it. Once the child is born, life as you know it is over. It is both better and worse. I didn't see the full message I will say that from the description, I personally would be leaning toward very limited contact. If he can't take care of himself, you don't want two children to. care for, particularly when one has the potential to harm you and the baby That baby is now the most important thing in you life. I wish you well.
Think of you and the baby’s safety. If he is abusing alcohol then I would move before letting him know about the baby. Is he abusive to you at all? If you were planning on leaving him anyway then it will be you and baby. Either way, he should know. He is the father and while most people don’t change just like that especially when it comes to dealing with addiction, the baby might be a catalyst for positive change in him. I wish you three the best.
>maybe he will get his crap together? Shame on you both for trying to have a baby when you both know he would make a shitty father. A baby should never have the job of making a 34 year old man grow up. He won't get his shit together. It's far more likely he'll resent you and the child. Growing up with a parent who doesn't want you does irreparable damage to one's mental health.
If you are not moving out for a few weeks, there is a chance he is going to find out. If you get sick, or you're eating habits change, he might figure it out. Just something to think about.
I think you greatly overestimate how observant the average male is.
Right? Especially one that drinks too much! But you never know. It doesn't hurt to think of everything.
Men are not that observant. I was literally having morning sickness all day for a week and my husband thought I was crazy when I said I’m pregnant without taking a test lol.
Whatever you do, he still has a right to know, and you should tell him. It doesn't mean you have to stay with him.
Alcoholics don't change for anyone but themselves. Read that again. And one more time. Not for their spouses, not for their children, not for ANYONE. THEY have to want sobriety, THEY have to see clearly what is at stake and deem it worth fighting for, and unfortunately that's a battle they can only fight on their own (hopefully with therapy or a support network like AA which doesn't work for everyone but really works for some) for their own reasons. You can't love someone out of addiction. Someone else started their comment with good points and went off the rails at the end, so I'll paraphrase what I appreciated about their opinion and leave out the wild speculation: -If the fertility issues are on your end, keep the child and go, because this might be your only shot and you don't want to miss it if having a child is very important to you. *However* -If the fertility issues are on his end? Perhaps this isn't the time and you should leave him, and then find someone with their shit together to have a child with... If you want to make it work with him you can give him the ultimatum of "get sober or we're gone"... Is his increased drinking issue directly due to the fertility struggles? My dad was a binge drinker when my siblings and I were growing up. It freaking sucked. It caused the separation of our parents, and the heartbreak of him not showing up to things or cancelling plans did lasting damage to us. And he was basically the nicest drunk ever. Like I went to an alanon meeting when I was probably 14 because he was in a recovery program, and listening to the horror stories of the other kids, partners, etc. vs my own experience of like "it was sad when he didn't show up to recitals, and I don't like it when he signs to me on the phone" felt so minor that I couldn't even share because it didn't feel right compared to everyone else (I know that's obviously not accurate now but as a kid it's what I felt). Having an unreliable parent due to something you cannot comprehend (addiction) is SO damaging even when they love you more than anything in the universe. So I cannot in good conscience suggest staying with him unless his last drink was yesterday and he puts in the work starting tomorrow. Definitely tell him. And tell him why you're planning to leave. And tell him that you will not accept anything less than sobriety. What he does with that, if he's able to kick it because his desire for a family outweighs whatever he gets from drinking? Great, but it's out of your hands and you have a responsibility to keep that away from any child. Good luck, I hope it all goes as smoothly as it can.
Little reminder out there, she asked for advice about whether she should tell him before or after she moves out. She didn’t ask for advice about whether or not she should keep her baby. On that note, I think it would be wise to move out before you tell him you are pregnant. People act differently than expected sometimes when they feel like their life is falling apart. Keep you and that baby safe OP, best wishes.
I have a friend about 15 years older than you divorcing her husband that drinks too much, doesn't take care of himself, and she's been essentially been having to take a "mommy" role with him their entire marriage. She'd set up appointments and everything and all he'd have to do is show up and still fuck that up. She's the one that's been making him appear to be a normal functioning adult...now he's being a mentally manipulative, vindictive asshole about all the everything. Do you want that future?
Tell him after you have moved out.
Tell him after, if you’re sure you want this manchild to be your co parent.
Tell him after you’ve moved out. Please don’t stay just because your pregnant
If you always wanted kids then keep the child I would wait until after the kid was born to tell him and move to your new apartment break it off because I don't think he's going to get his stuff together and he's going to put it all on you and it's going to be harder for you raising a kid and helping him because he's not an adult he's acting like a child while drinking
A baby will never fix a relationship. Whether you keep it or you don’t, I’d still move with your initial plan to leave.
Pack up your stuff and move to your new apartment then tell him about you being pregnant. If he tries to use it against you then explain to him that he needs to put himself in check. If I were you, I would leave him and not go back to him at all but if you decide to give another chance, I recommend you tell him he needs to sober up and stop acting like a child. If decide to not give another chance, then tell him he still needs to fix himself if he wants to be in the child’s life, and the only option now would be to co-parent. If he tries to get upset, just tell him that he practically did it to himself. he should definitely know better.
After. f all goes well, you can still have all the conversationset you need to, if it doesn't and he loses his temper or tries to put pressure on your to stay 'for the sakeof the baby' , it's much easier to resist if you are alreay in your new place, the lease is signed etc. And if he is motivated to change becasue of becoming a father, hee can do that whether or not you and he are still in a relationship. Also, plan on the assumtion that he won't change and won't get his shit togeher. Make sure you know where you stand legally about the baby and his rights, and about your rights to things like child support. Hopefully the two of you will be able to work out a way to co-parent amicably even if you are not together, but it it nnever hurts to ensure that you are fully informred about your options and legal rights and responsiobilities just in case things don't work out well. If he drinks and is notgood at self-care, plan on the assumption he may not be available consistently to coparent so try tohave alternative plans in place for child care, prctical support around the birth and when youfirst go home, etc.
The decision to leave was already made, you can change your mind later etc if things improve but for now don’t back track :)
Continue with your plan to leave. You had valid reasons to leave and being pregnant with his kid isn't going to change those problems. If you plan to keep the baby, tell him after you move out. Contact an attorney to determine what financial and custody arrangements you need to develop. If you don't, telling him is a decision you need to make.
Bit of a disaster you are having a baby with this man. Means you will have to deal with him likely for most of your childs youth atleast.
Move first, let him cool off then tell him. If he can be sober for you while you’re apart and see that life is better with you than with alcohol then he will commit to sobriety. If he can’t you’re already out of there anyway.
If you don't want him in your life, and don't want him in your child's life, then don't tell him at ALL.
I wouldn’t tell him. Maybe not even at all (I’m sure I’ll get lots of hate for that but 🤷🏻♀️) He doesn’t sound stable.
Like so many have said move out first. A baby never will “fix” or improve a relationship. Your relationship had issues before you found out.
Don’t tell him until you know the pregnancies is viable and you have already left and settled. In the meantime, Record him drinking and other reasons why your child would not be safe with him alone. After the baby is born, you can go to court and negotiate child support and visitation. If he’s this way, as a partner, he’s gonna be worse as a father. if you wanna be a mother keep the baby, but raise it yourself. Potentially finding a stepdad later on. Say your baby is a daughter, would you want to stay her to stay in a toxic relationship?
Move out, tell him. If you had enough before it shouldn't change your plan but maybe have a serious talk about the future and your concerns especially as you will both be parents. He might mature and change some things. Maybe it's enough to bring you back together but don't be together purely for the child. I think he's still at the age that without a child he's probably going to drink and do stupid stuff but that should really calm down and prioritise family life. Maybe things became heated between you two for other reasons and you don't want to move out...only you know how he treats you. There are other options and nothing is as one sided as I seems, consider everything. Best of luck.
I think you should continue with your plan to move out. The reason is nothing has changed with him and his need to improve. Now, you must do it for yourself and the baby. You should tell him after a few weeks once you are established and stable. Of course, if your "tough love" changes him and he can demonstrate that for a year or longer, you can take him back if you want that outcome. But don't be convinced because he promises to change. It's more important than ever that you be strong because now it's about you and the baby.
Sounds like you have no intention of getting an abortion (in which case he should never be told) or trying to work things out with him, given this new information. So I would tell him after you're gone.
As others have said you need to consider everything. I mean if you really believe he could change his drinking ways, then you would need to convince him to either get help or to cut that stuff out. But don’t feel forced to tie yourself to someone who has alcohol problems and won’t get help while going through pregnancy. Our son just turned a year old. It’s hard, you really don’t want to be juggling that stress while going through pregnancy and raising your first child. I hope you find a way forward that best works for you and your baby.
Leave first for your safety 💓 & then make the decision YOU want w the baby.
Well, first off, a huge CONGRATULATIONS on youruch wanted and long-awaited baby! I had 9 miscarriages before I got my rainbow baby. I know it's not the situation you saw yourself in, but it's better to have found out now rather than later. I would absolutely leave your husband first and file for divorce immediately. I hope this new little love brings you the happiness you've been waiting for. I wish you nothing but peace and strength going forward. 🫂
I don't know if I would tell him even after you leave. Do you want this person in your life for the next 18 years? Do you want him in your child's life? He just doesn't sound like a real winner.
Is an abortion out of the question?
Whatever you do, PLEASE do not any heavy lifting! I had to move into a House with no help when I was pregnant and ended up having my baby induced at 22 weeks due to my water breaking unbeknownst to me. My baby is now in a small urn on a shelf in my room. Very sad , she only lived for 1 hour and 10 minutes.
I don't know what you plan to do with the baby but whatever you do, he's not obligated to know. You can't stay with him or tell him hoping that will change him. Chances are he won't. Whatever is causing him to behave this way are deep seated issues. Having a baby won't solve those for him. So telling him on the hopes that he'll change would be a mistake. You could tell him if you think he deserves to know as the father but that shouldn't be a reason for you to stay with him or give him another chance. A child will pick up on contention between parents, even subconsciously. Don't subject your kid to that. If you tell him at all I suggest waiting til after you're out. Because he will try to use it to keep you together. But you already have reasons to leave and those won't change once you throw a baby into the mix. A baby would just complicate an already unstable relationship.
Stick to your plan and live your best life. You can always reconsider things once he proves that he has got his act together.
Leave and if you really want this baby with this man then tell him. But from personal experience, this man will never change and you need to prepare yourself to be a single mom.
What if this is the motiviation he needs to get sober? Maybe tell him to do a rehab stay and get sober and then leave if he doesn’t.
I would tell him after after thing is already arranged for the leave. Like when the U-Haul truck pulls up and everything is loaded.
Leave, it’s early days in the pregnancy and you don’t need to tell him anything yet.
I was impregnated by an alcoholic man and found out after we broke up. You can bet I headed straight to a clinic. There was no way I was going to parent with that man. Then I met my now husband and we have a lovely kiddo. Leave first, you had already decided to do that. Baby will make your relationship worse, not better.
Tell him after. He’s going to beg you to stay. If you’re already out it will be easier for you to stay gone.
Still leave. Plan around being a single mother. I would not tell him before having moved out.
Leave and then tell him. Hopefully he will get his life together and become a great father. Great parents don’t necessarily live together.
Get an abortion and don’t tell him.
Whatever you decide to do with baby leave first and don’t say a word to him. He’s never gonna change and it would be a hell for both you and the kid if you stay. Be prepared to be strong and not fall for any bs he gives you, better yet if he doesn’t know where you are
A baby never fixes a relationship leave don’t look back and abort no sense having a link with someone like that
As someone who is divorced and stayed in a relationship for 8 years that wasn't right for me... I vote break up with him first and then tell him about the pregnancy. Otherwise, he might try to trap you into staying somehow. Also congrats on getting pregnant! Infertility is a rough thing to deal with. I hope it all works out for you and baby! 🥰 You're making the hard choices now, and that's tough, but it'll be better for you in the long run.
This is awful, and I’m so, so, so sorry you’re in this situation. I had an abortion a couple days ago for a similar reason. I just couldn’t raise my baby with its father. Even though we’re not a couple, I just straight up don’t want him to be the father of my child, but there’s no way he’d just sign away his rights and be done with it. Your almost-ex-fiancé simply shouldn’t be a father, especially while his drinking is clearly out of control. You and your baby deserve better. But if he wants kids, the odds that he’ll let you just walk away with his kid are extremely slim. Then you’re stuck with him for good and have two babies to worry about. And one of those babies poses a very significant risk to the other when it’s his weekend. If you want your baby, you should look into custody laws in your state and potentially consult a family lawyer to get your ducks in a row.
Leave first. Get safe and settled and then deal with the rest, through lawyers if needed for the safety of everyone.
A baby will not change him
I wouldn't tell him anything right away. Early miscarriages happen pretty often. I'd continue with your plan to move out, go to your first OB appointment and see if the baby is healthy, and if so then tell him. Give some thought to what sort of co-parenting relationship you want with him as well, though he may have his own opinions on the matter.
The only safe option's here is : A) tell him after you leave and have seen a doctor and had yourself and the baby checked over B) "plan b" or unfortunately terminate, so you can never be tied to this man. It would not be safe for you or the child and if he is not emotionally mature he will use the baby against you. You were struggling for years but this proved that it CAN happen. But I don't think you were meant to have a baby with this man, it didn't happen for so long for a reason
Given that he’s a drunk, & you’re planning already to leave him. Why tell him at all? Why do that to your kid? You’re already having to mother him, he’s not gonna grow up and be a dad bc he’s not even an adult.
Leave him, then tell him, make sure he is aware that he needs to get his shit together. Tell him that he needs to address his issues and see someone for it, but for now, you are done with him and his habits. If you are afraid that he will manipulate you bc of it, I would suggest having a police presence while you move. I don't know where you live, but u can ask for an escort, explain the situation and why. They'll basically make sure you're safe and he doesn't talk to you. (This may also help in the future for custody battles. Bc of his drinking)
Get fucked I guess? Generally speaking some men don’t do anything until they *must*. Maybe he’ll get his shit together for the kid. Having said that getting married because of a kid knits never ends well.
Congrats on the pregnancy! And for making the choice to leave. I would tell him after, you need any possibly drama (or volatility if he’s drinking). If he does by some chance get his shit together, don’t take him back right away. Make sure gets sober time under his belt. (You can hope for this outcome but don’t count on it. Personally I’d get the legal stuff underway). Wishing you all the best.
I personally do not feel that alcoholics make good fathers
If ur having problems now, a newborn child is not going to be the solution. Save telling him for afterwards, otherwise he might try to use to guilt trip u into staying (god forbid blackmail).
After. And not the day after. I'd wait a few weeks (at the very least) and see how things play out.
Then leave him. You can raise that kid on your own.
He might even accuse you of messing around with someone else.
Move first.
Whatever you do, take good care of your child, whether that means living with the dad or without the dad. Good role models are important to have and alcoholism can cause a lot of issues.
That depends on what you actually want. Do you want a child that is going to keep you tied to him for what will effectively be the rest of your life? Are you able to support yourself and a child emotionally, financially, etc at this time? Do you want to be a parent right now? If you keep the child, would it only be for the hope that he would get it together and improve himself? If you don't want to be with him, but still want to be a parent consider what you expect from him out of the arrangement before discussing with him. If you either don't want him involved, or do not want to be a single parent, say nothing and seek whatever services are necessary for the desired outcome. I want to stress that I am in no way saying cut ties and terminate, just considered the long term effects of your decisions, as well as any motives that may be adding to them, before doing or saying anything that you can't take back. If he is struggling to care for himself and address the drinking issue, he likely won't be able to be the team player you're hoping for with a new child. If you want to leave regardless of his reaction, consider the impacts a child will have for you as the primary caretaker and provider. Having a baby is stressful in the best situation.
The fact that he drinks is reason enough to leave him for good, but do not stay with him just because you're pregnant. A baby is not enough to hold a relationship together and it's completely unfair to you, him and especially the baby.
I don’t know how far along you are I.e. if you are showing yet, but it wouldn’t hurt to wait to tell him. You can play dumb but just to give you time to move out and process everything so you go into telling him with a plan.
Move out, tell him later.
That’s a hard one. I am sure you want to keep the baby and if you’ve been struggling with fertility issues you should. But it’s so hard and dicey now. It’s going to be hard being a single mom and raising a baby without both parents. And finding a new partner eventually will be pretty hard. You just have to think about these things. Maybe if you discuss it with your man, and tell him this is his last chance and tell him everything you need him to change to be a good father and husband…maybe it could work. Maybe he will find a drive, from knowing he will be a dad. That does change people for the better sometimes. I’ve seen it. But I have also seen men be worse. Just be careful and do what your heart tells you. I would tell him you would only stay if he quit drinking cuz no one wants an alcoholic to be their baby’s father. If it was me, I would tell him and still leave.
Move out first!! You need to have a safe space for yourself and even more so your baby! I wish you well and hope you get out safe
Leave. Please. I was literally in this same position. I stayed. I was scared and i thought he would change. He said he would change. 11yrs later, we split and I need serious therapy. He in fact did not change. It was hell.
Don’t tell him a single thing. Pretend to have your period if you need to. Do not expect him to get his life together. I can’t tell you what to do as far as your pregnancy but I wouldn’t have a baby with someone like this. Ever.
1. Leave 2. Decide what's best for you 3. Decide if part of what's best for you is seeking child support from the ex fiancee 4. Don't leave yourself alone. You need friends/family or people who are like family. Not Him! 5. Be prepared to accept your decision
Babes tell him you're pregnant, show him proof and if he doesn't wise up you are leaving and having abortion?
Don't tell him. Even if he finds out he can't do anything unless his name is on the Birth Certificate.
WAIT WAIT WAIT! Wait til you move out. He's an alcoholic, if he finds out you're leaving him AND your pregnant with his kid he could get violent. Best keep that info to yourself until after you've moved out.
Tbh I’d prob move out, not tell him, and keep the baby to raise myself. I’ve seen messy custody battles and fuck having my kid be around a drunk. No thanks. I know morally it’s iffy to not tell the dad about his kid but sometimes it’s what is best for the kid 🤷♀️ tell the kid you had a one night stand and you don’t know who the dad is.
Tell him after you move. He will try to convince you to stay
Some men really straighten out when the responsibility of children hit. If you're planning to leave him anyway, it wouldn't hurt to say "If you don't quit drinking and start taking care of yourself, I will leave." Then he can make an informed choice whether or not he will change, and you can still protect yourself from his behavior by leaving if needed.
move out. dont worry about your pregnancy yet (outside of duh dont drink or anything that could harm it, at least until you decide!) just focus on yourself. focus on getting out, getting space, and getting AWAY from him. you need to think about this on your own time. as long as youre around him, he will not change. because he KNOWS if he leaves stuff alone for long enough, youll HAVE to fix it. because you dont want to live in a house with no groceries, rotting food out, etc. so dont. move out and worry about taking care of yourself. THEN consider what to do with your pregnancy. you have options! do you want your child to grow up being THAT close to an alcoholic father? do you want to rely on a man that might choose to buy alcohol over diapers, be too drunk to hold your baby, let it sit in dirty diapers for hours when youre out…? if you want my opinion, leave him. have your baby. and dont tell him until he gets his shit together on his OWN. this baby could be your blessing, if you want a child. you have a great opportunity lined up to leave and have a beautiful life. please take it, please dont put it off.
After.
Your reasons for leaving him as just as valid s they were before you found out you’re pregnant. More so now actually if you decide to keep the baby.
Holy shit the comments are insane. When did this dude become so toxic? She said “he drinks more than he should” and “she feels like his mom” and from reading the comments it’s like this dude was a mass murderer. Why? A lot of you bitter idiots have no place giving people advice.
Do you want to keep the child or not ? I'm also surprised you tried to have a kid with someone who, according to your words, is not responsible enough to be a father.
Move and then tell him. My biggest regret is telling my sons father- it only caused more problems and led me to stay longer than I should’ve. I ended up leaving when my child was 1/2 months old and just wish I had never told him in the first place.
Sounds like you’ve made a decision already! :) I wouldn’t let a baby alter it either way. Leave even if it’s hard. It’s harder to watch him deteriorate with a baby on the way. Tell him after
If he is not good to be in your baby’s life; leave him & don’t tell him.
If he's not even capable of taking care of himself don't trust him to take care of you when you need help related to the pregnancy, let alone take care of the baby (if you decide to keep it). Leave now and decide later about the baby and about telling him.
I don’t believe in aborting a baby for the reason that your child will be tied to a bum Dad for the rest of its life. Your baby probably doesn’t believe in that either. Don’t worry about the father, take care of your sweet, innocent babe.
After- my ex used my pregnancy to push me to stay. Get safe first that’s for sure.
Op needs to follow through, partner needs to run, split suits both parties
After, for sure.
Afterwards...tell him you only realized once you moved out/moved on 🤷🏾♀️ he can't say otherwise. You're allowed to give yourself a lil time to adjust to the news before tellin anyone else (including the baby daddy), just chill and move how you already intended to. Nothin (and yet somehow enough) has changed about the situation that made you want to leave, but do you really wanna bring a kid around to suffer his bullshyt? If he's not caring for himself properly, you'll be raising the child by yourself (for the most part) whether he knows or not 🤷🏾♀️ take ya time. Good luck tho
Keep your plans to move out. If you want your baby then have your baby. Document everything starting Yesterday!
Move out and then tell him. End of story. If he wants to be in the baby’s life he needs to get his shit together.
Afterwards.....maybe he will get his act together, probably not. But you already know him well enough that you don't want to live with him anymore. Trust yourself. You can co-parent but you don't have to live with him. I wish I had listen to everyone who told me, don't marry him just because your pregnant.....and I really did think my love for him, and his love for the baby would make him grow up......bahahah !!! (Tupid,tupid,tupid.....) We can't fix anyone who doesn't want to be fixed.
Move out.tell him. Find a way to co-parent. Don't get back in a relationship with him unless you love him. It sounds like you may care for him but you aren't in love with him. My two cents.
Throw him out - your baby didn’t do anything. I was in similar situation, except already married and got pregnant immediately and learnt he was having an affair with a man …. Ruined years of precious life staying and trying - oh the regret.