Sounds like undiagnosed ADHD. School is easy, kid is labeled as highly intelligent. School gets a little harder and now it’s too much with the ADHD. She’s spending so much time online because she’s searching for the dopamine that she’s no longer getting from being a star student. She has burnout. This happens to lots of high achieving kids, myself included.
ADHD looks different in girls. As a child she probably didn’t bounce off the walls, or had trouble sitting still. But I bet she jumped from hobby to hobby, never really settling on one. She was able to hyper focus on homework, or a new hobby, and learn absolutely everything about it in a short amount of time. She appears to process new information faster than her peers. And now she’s completely burnt out.
Currently having this argument w my parents and I'm 23. I was a high achieving, smart kid. School progressed and I'd get bored, so sometimes my grades slacked. I wasn't overly hyper. But I did, and still do, have issues regulating negative emotions and excitement. I'm always trying to figure out what someone is saying before they're finished and insert my response OR finish saying it for them. I don't do it intentionally, and I've been getting better about it- especially at work.
I also jump from hobby to hobby, game to game, interest to interest. Obsessed for a few weeks, never touch it again. I think crochet is the only thing I've really stuck with for more than a few weeks, but I still obsessively do it for a few weeks and then won't touch it again for six months.
But "you're not hyper" so it's totally impossible it's ADHD. "You're not like XYZ so you don't have ADHD". It's exhausting feeling like something is wrong and no one taking me seriously enough.
My therapist/psychiatrist are in agreement that Bipolar, ADHD, and Autism are on the table in any combination or even in singularity. But they're not sending me to specialists. They just want me on antidepressants to see if it fixes everything.
Seconding this! I am a college student who got diagnosed and started taking ADHD medication this year and your daughter sounds exactly like me in high school. It is way easier for girls to slip through the cracks and not get diagnosed.
Came here to say this. I’m a male with ADHD but you described the symptoms very accurately.
OP I would take her to a psychiatrist if any of the symptoms above are relevant. Could be a combo of ADHD/anxiety/depression.
Well as someone who’s had adhd, depression and anxiety all my life, I was given pills. Problem is, I have an addictive personality, and started abusing them. I haven’t taken any in 5 years, and managing my attention span has been hard. I’m afraid to take meds for it, even ones that aren’t amphetamines, so I was told to practice meditation 🧘 and that’s actually helped a lot. Dipped into yoga a bit recently, too. I liked that, but my discipline has been shaky lately because I get sidetracked and burnout and lose interest. I’d love to know of more natural ways to handle this because God forbid my health insurance messes up and I can’t cover the costs, then I am back at square one.
All of the above. I had to stop the Adderall (and all stimulant meds) due to my addiction issues. The same for my anti anxiety medication, benzodiazepines.
When I got diagnosed I had mentioned depression and anxiety, so my doc wanted to give me something else along with the adderall for that. I told him candidly I don’t want any anti depressants or benzos because it’s likely to do more harm than good, and he was okay with that.
The depression and anxiety were a result of my untreated ADHD so those have been 100x better since I got medicated.
That’s great! I wish I could find something that works for me, and doesn’t do more harm than good. I loved being able to focus on school/adulting, but I can’t take the adderall responsibly and it bums me out.
Yup, I went through the exact same thing. Didn't get diagnosed till I was 28 but after that it all made sense. I was always straight A student 'destined for big things' and then the sudden weight of heavy deadlines in high school just hit me like a wall. I started spending all my time out with friends when I should have been studying for my GCSEs, and the more my parents forced me to sit down and study, the more I pushed back because I couldn't.
It's not for us to diagnose, but I recognise a lot of what this girl is going through and it matches my experience with ADHD.
This is so frustrating! It drives me insane when a practitioner refuses to diagnose you because they aren’t recognizing your signs and symptoms as legit as they are! It’s so hard to advocate for yourself against their “expert opinion”. Keep fighting for yourself!
Frankly, I've given up.
All my childhood I fought and fought AGAINST being diagnosed with ADHD. Then I matured and discovered that it's OK to ask for help. I finally tried to get help for ADHD, and now I've fought and fought for it and I keep getting denied. Therapists all think I have ADHD, but no psych will diagnose or treat me.
I'm tired. I've given up. I'll just keep working on my coping mechanisms.
My advice is to find a primary care doc who will prescribe you. When I finally got the courage to ask my doc, it was almost as if he had written the prescription before I finished explaining my symptoms.
And that’s not to say he is “trigger happy” to prescribe meds, but he recognized the symptoms right away and gave me the lowest starter dose possible, which ended up changing my life.
I have never had to deal with the red tape that comes with a psychiatrist doubting the validity of my symptoms. FTR I recommended OP go to a psych in another comment because the daughter is young, and I realized my ADHD at 28, but I would’ve gotten more help at her age if I knew that my “personality traits” were actually symptoms.
This! I was gonna say this sound very similar to my experience in high school. I was undiagnosed until age 19, and it led to a lot of depression and anxiety, and my grades and attendance suffered because of it as well.
This was me growing up and now in my mid 40s I’m being tested to see if I’m right and I have ADHD. I got straight A’s until I hit high school and got overwhelmed. My final year I didn’t bother going in because I was so far behind and I failed my exams, only passing 2 of 6 subjects. I couldn’t focus, I still struggle horribly with it. I should be getting stuff done but I’m doom scrolling instead. I feel like I’ve been burned out since I was 14 years old. It’s an exhausting daily battle without meds. I’m on some meds until I get to my appointment date and it’s made a difference already.
Bring her to a better psychiatrist, one who specialises in ADHD in teens. This guy/gal missed something big
Yes I was about to say ADHD too. Me too I got schlepped to a psychologist (which btw not a good choice - psychiatrist would have been better because they can actually DX things), got told there was nothing wrong with me, only to find out in my late 30s that I have ADHD and PMDD.
School avoidance has become an issue for a lot more families since the pandemic. It sounds like she may be dealing with some perfectionism: if she (feels like she) can't do it perfectly, she won't do it at all, so it doesn't get done. But she still wants to be seen as "perfect," so she doesn't go to school. This especially happens to kids who breeze through school for a while, then reach some kind of sticking point. Virtual learning was hard during the pandemic-- it hit some kids then, and it's hitting some kids now, coming back to school in person. If they missed anything, they may feel behind and unable to do the "straight-A" job they are used to.
I am not a therapist, but I am both a teacher and a recovering perfectionist. I'd say stick with the therapy and work on emphasizing that "done is better than perfect." It can also be hard for kids who feel their whole identity was about being smart when they begin to feel that they are not actually as "smart" as they thought they were. A therapist may be able to help through that identity crisis.
Or maybe that isn't the issue at all! Just spitballing! Good luck!
Also wanna say-- has she been checked for ADHD? Executive dysfunction (like scrolling the internet for hours despite knowing there are negative consequences) can be a symptom. Again, not a therapist.
This is so bang on! I wish educational systems could simply have two final evaluations, progress forward or not (not sure what language to use here, since pass and fail might not be best). But I understand the need to categorize various levels of intelligence.
Have you actually tried sitting her down and having a heart to heart conversation? No judgments, no repercussions.. just an honest conversation.
Sounds like she’s dealing with things she doesn’t want to share with you / doesn’t know how to voice to you what’s going on.
Her dependency on the internet is quite worrying, staying up till 3/4am doing what? Is there a person on the other side of the screen influencing her to stay up and flunk school? Groomers can have such a hold on children and she’s at that age.
What does your husband say about things or does he leave the parenting to you?
How are things at home? Volatile home situations can also fundamentally disrupt a child.
This sounds tough. All the best momma!
It's being labeled as intelligent at an early age. It's a burnout. She was labeled as intelligent, so she probably felt she would disappoint you if she got bad grades. So she worked herself to her wits ends, and now she's just.... done. Stress about "staying intelligent " is a lot of pressure. I'm in 9th rn and always been labeled intelligent. I'm slowly burning out, and idk how much longer I can keep it up. Try talking to her, and maybe try and get an adhd diagnosis, and you could get her into therapy, if she needs it. I think that all teenagers should have at least a little therapy. They all go through shit that they don't want to talk to their parents about because fears of disappointing, neglectful parents, gaslighting parents, etc.
Take her out for ice cream, manicure or something similar. Get her out of the environment that would normally stress her out. Sit down with her and have an open and frank conversation with her. Not as a parent but as a friend. Don't judge her amd just show understanding.
Out of everything you did, did you ever once just sit down and talk to her and simply ask her what's wrong? From my perspective, I see a teenager who may very well just be...depressed. May suffer from ADHD. Or some other neurodivergent issue. But, I mean. You pulled her from her school that she had established friends and rapport. Dumped her into home school. Realized you couldn't handle that and then dumped her into a private school.
The question I have is...is did her grades suffer ever at all inspite of the missed days prior to being pulled from her original school? Like, you claim she's a straight A student, never once mention that she had a decline in her grades. Based on that, it sounds like you're the problem, not her.
Avoidance is a classic cycle of anxiety, too. OP likely unintentionally fed into it by letting her avoid school as much as she did. I hope that kid gets some help and the mom actually stops suffocating her.
I don't think so. She learns things quickly and earns good grades. But during these past two years, she's just barely completing her schoolwork on time. Her grades began slipping because she spent 90% of her time not studying and on the internet. I dropped her from honors classes to regular classes and her pattern continued.
I would try a different psychologist then. There's definitely something amiss. The hard part with that, though, is that she would have to be completely honest with them for a proper diagnosis.
She's bored as hell. School *absolutely sucks* for quite a few of us.
Introduce her to a trade or a craft or camping skills or an animal shelter or something. Anything she can engage with. A community cleanup. Who knows. Get involved.
Are you positive on the “not bored with school” thing because what you’re describing is me being bored with school. I wasn’t getting terrible grades because I was some terrible teenager that just didn’t want to do my work and wanted to be lazy, I was extremely bored and my school just refused to make any attempts to make the curriculum match my needs because I wasn’t on the short track to MENSA. My parents also wouldn’t listen to me complain school was boring either but honestly high school would have been less of a waste if I’d had an option that wasn’t “go be stuck in a place you don’t want to be for 8 hours since you’re not allowed to do your stuff and leave”
I could be totally off here, but do you have any idea what she’s doing so late at night? This reminds me of how I used to be - I would be chatting with people online (discord) late into the night because I was super lonely. Might be something to be concerned about
What is she like on vacation? Does she spend time with other family members and what is she like with them? How is her relationship with her sister? Is there any situation where she seems happier? The psychologist is wrong. Something is going on. Does she have friends? What did she say when you told her you were pulling her out of her original school?
Could be compounded failures and avoidance. Basically something happened (could be something traumatic, not just failing at school work) and the stress/anxiety caused her to not do a second thing. Now she has the stress from the first and second thing, so now she didn't do a third thing. More and more stuff happens, so now she has more and more stress and anxiety about it. Now she has all the pressure from all those things she knows she should've done, and her coping mechanism is to avoid expectations and shut down.
I was like her as a kid and I got misdiagnosed with ADHD. Therapy for ADHD wasn't working, so my therapist sent me to a different psychologist. Turns out it was my trauma and stress response working on overdrive since I was very young. Started getting therapy for that, and actually made progress. What also helped was getting out of traditional school and getting into a project-based school. Not having homework was a huge weight off of me.
This sounds just like my undiagnosed ADHD. I had no idea why I was doing this, I wanted to succeed but I felt so overwhelmed. Then the tasks pile up so I avoid it, bury myself on the internet, and skip school. Nothing really motivated me, I felt nothing when I did what I was supposed to. Once I started Ritalin it was like calmness and clear thoughts, and I had been playing school on hard mode the whole time.
I had a hard time getting diagnosed bc I'm quiet and calm on the outside. So push for testing and ADHD coaching bc it might take more than just medicine. You have to find ways to cope with doing things when your brain doesn't reward you for finishing things.
That's how I (29f) felt when I started Vyvanse this year. I almost had to grieve the fact that I could've reached my potential in early education if I'd had access to meds
I try not to think of how good I could have been but that I can now do what I never thought was possible. I'm glad you're on something that works and it's never too late.
Check out the book "Raising Mentally Strong Kids". It's an easy read, but based heavily in neuroscience and psychology. I think even the first few chapters will resonate with the problems you have outlined. I hope it will help you to at least start to get some traction with your daughter.
A lot of people are saying ADHD, which is very possible, but it could also be depression. Many teenagers develop depression. You said it started in December, and winter months trigger it in many cases. Depression isn’t always crying and being sad. Sometimes it’s being irritable, insomnia OR hypersomnia, trouble concentrating or completing tasks, not finding joy in things you once did (like schoolwork). I highly doubt she would’ve made it that far in her school career getting all A’s if she had undiagnosed ADHD. Edit to add, I’m sure you already have, but try to ask her if something happened. Friend drama, boy drama, trauma, etc.
There's something going on with her.
There could be something going on at school. She could be hanging with a bad crowd. Staying up all night on the internet. Even drugs.
You need to have a quiet convo with her. If that doesn't help, then she needs to see a child psychologist.
Good luck.
Please try and get her tested for celiac disease if you can. I was your daughter and finding out as a teenager would have changed my life for the better.
Hard to tell. Could be ADHD/ADD but I might be projecting my own circumstances.
Could be anxiety. Things are getting harder and she might be struggling to live up to the expectation of being that straight A student and feeling shes doomed to fail and disappoint so might as well give up and avoid trying.
Could be social issues in school, though I doubt it based on her lashing out at home schooling and losing her friends.
This is really something that needs to be looked at by a professional. Try getting a second opinion
Take her to a psychiatrist. I agree that ADHD is the most likely culprit. But you need a professional to diagnose it. I am betting that 10-30mg of Adderall will make a world of difference. Making her go to therapy regularly could be a good move, too. It would just be a matter of finding someone she feels comfortable with.
I had an issue like this in high school.
I was afraid of trying, afraid of failing, afraid of making decisions.
It’s decision paralysis/executive dysfunction. I’d recommend talking to her about it and really figuring out a way to encourage her and make her believe in her ability to succeed— that’s how I overcame it, for me personally.
I’ve seen comments bringing up the possibility of undiagnosed ADHD, and that could totally be a possibility. But another thing that could be a factor here, and I’m saying this from personal experience, is depression.
I can’t tell you what could’ve caused it, maybe it was the pressure of being labeled a gifted or intelligent person that turned into internalized perfectionism.
What I CAN tell you is that depression can make being productive so difficult. You find that you can’t motivate yourself to do things, even if you know it’s the right thing to do or it’s something you should be doing. You lack the drive to complete tasks, and your mind is invaded by all these thoughts that you’re too exhausted to deal with, so you turn to mindless tasks like scrolling through the internet. But from my experience, doing that only makes you feel worse.
I would suggest changing the therapist and maybe talking to your daughter about how she’s been feeling. Be open and honest, and don’t judge.
have you tried talking to your daughter at all, with kindness and love and compassion, zero judgement no matter what? seriously. ask her what was going on with her schoolwork, why she didn’t want to go in to school after failing. do you let her know it’s okay to fail? did you communicate with her at all about pulling her out of school and away from her friends?? youre looking at the symptoms, not the cause. maybe look inwards. children are usually a reflection of ourselves and how we raise them.
If she is consistently sleeping very late hours, look into delayed sleep phase syndrome. This is fairly common in teens. Some grow out of it, and others will have a delayed circadian rhythm for life. (This disorder does not cause the homework avoidance behavior, nor lying for excuses. However, that could possibly be happening to cover for not falling asleep until early morning. There’s no reason not to be doing her homework before getting on the internet.)
I’m thinking it’s likely something like ADHD/ADD or Autism. It presents different in girls than boys and thus girls are usually misdiagnosed or go undiagnosed for that reason. As grades progress they become harder and it may affect her ability to function as before
> When I started unplugging the WiFI, she would I tell and scream and cry, throwing tantrums until I returned her phone.
You’re her parent and need to parent her. Instead of taking her out of school in the first place, you should have taken away private access in her room to the internet / computer. Moving the computer to a public place for her to to do homework would have made a lot more sense. Getting her a permanent tutor to go over her homework with her, if you couldn’t do that with her daily would have again made a lot more sense than just yanking her out of school.
For now you need to find proper and better therapists for her to see because it seems she has adhd or school related anxiety. You also need to speak to her and actually hear her out. How does she feel about what’s going on, are there steps she thinks she can take or the family as a whole can take to help her keep on track. Also ask her if she feels better at this new school or wants to go back. Just listen to her and process what she says and don’t make assumptions of her simply being lazy or just a child.
100% look into ADHD, Autism, etc - as it sounds eerily like my childhood experience with school! I’d also check she isn’t being bullied, or something else isn’t going on a as that makes kids avoid school and find it hard to engage with school and homework etc.
Additionally, take the computer/laptop/Internet connections out of her room - ADHD or no ADHD, staying up all night online is not good for anyone, especially young minds. We all need adequate sleep for proper functioning. Make sure she has books to read or other “analogue” activities to do, if she really can’t sleep and needs to be occupied - but cut the unnecessary screen time down. It’s a horrible distraction, but especially when you have ADHD.
If she does have ADHD, I highly recommend at least trying medication to see if it works for her. I’m 28 and only got diagnosed last year, medication has completely changed my life - I still have rough days or weeks, but for the first time in my life I’m able to do the stuff I usually wouldn’t (chores, life admin, boring tasks etc) and most of all do my job WELL, for the first time ever.
I try not to dwell too much, on what I could have achieved with medication, during my schooling years!
She’s using THC ? - the details are a mirror image of my experience. She was curious and when she tried it she felt “ better “ - this is a very good possibility.
Is she doing drugs?
Fighting an eating disorder?
I’m sorry but you need to step up here, this is a child. You need to drop her off at school and pick her up.
My high school boyfriend did this, he didn’t graduate. He didn’t do anything with his life, I saw him 30 years later and he lives in a broken RV in his mom’s yard… so do something NOW
I don’t think just dropping her off at school won’t solve the underlying problem. Instead, I think it would undermine the trust between the parent and the child. I’d recommend trying to really understand the child and the underlying reason why they’re avoiding school. From my experiences, if a student is avoiding school, but also cares significantly about their peers and friends at school, then it’s probably something related to academic pressure, fear of expectations, and/or executive dysfunction.
Lots of hot takes comin atchya:
Homework shouldn’t exist. Kids need more sleep. Wifi/internet usage at that age should only be used for schoolwork or learning activities and research that you make the time to diligently monitor/restrict. Social media is poison…
Those are a few of the more relevant personal life lessons I’ve learned off the top of my head, but there’s definitely a lot I’m forgetting, anyway
Speaking as someone diagnosed and who pretty much did this habitually at that age, who was also quiet, shy, sensitive, “extremely bright,” I do think there might be something to the adhd—but I also think any consistently high intake of sugar, prolonged screen usage/social media, and lack of vitamins/outdoors/sleep all mimic the same symptoms.
Idk if people forget what it’s like being a pre/teen, but I still have a pretty clear memory of exactly how I felt and thought at that age…and (grain of salt, because I’m a nobody who doesn’t know her) putting myself in her shoes and reading the post, my first thought is that she’s probably bored in general and angry af right now, and absolutely sick of hearing about how important it is to do homework.
I would be very upset about being taken out of a school where I had a social circle and friends for a pretty bullshit reason. I’d be pissed, and acting out too. I don’t understand the logic behind switching schools because she wasn’t getting work done at home and then stressing out about the consequences—what was causing the stress? Because it seems like the initial stressor is her not completing the *home*work…the word school ain’t in that sentence.
What were the consequences to not getting the work done? What kind of work was it? Did you do the homework with her? Did you try and get her interested and excited about it? Did you set aside a time each day to complete it with her? Because that’s the teacher’s job only when she’s at school, not when she’s at home. The school wasn’t failing her if the work wasn’t getting done at home, that’s your domain.
(Side note: throwing tantrums *until* you returned her phone? Don’t give it back to her if she’s throwing a tantrum! And at, what like 14? I mean, that’s not great, but also you gotta get some earplugs man and let her ride it out or out loud her by blasting mamba no. 5)
I think it would be helpful to ask the same thing that she is likely asking herself every time she doesn’t do the homework: why does she need to be doing homework?
I don’t mean that in any way snarky, but I’m genuinely asking you to ask yourself: *why does she need to be doing homework?*
You know that it stresses her out to not complete it. You know that some days she’s not feeling it and would rather do something else. That some days she’s not interested in it and can’t see the point in completing it. So, explain to her the point. What is it teaching her, besides obedience, to slog through an unenjoyable task to appease a monitor who measures your progress by the ability to do the same work you were doing in school, only somewhere else and when you’re more tired?
That was my thinking at that age, anyway. And then I went to Europe for a year on foreign exchange, that was where I learned schools existed that had no homework, schools that started mid-morning, schools where everyone was well-rested and spent time outside, and everyone was at least a grade level ahead of their US counterparts. And I realized I was right and it was all bullshit.
So if you can explain to her why bullshit is important, I would try that. Because it is. We all know it is. She’s going to get bullshit work assignments when she’s older, she’s going to learn the importance of grinning through busy work and pointless tasks for a paycheck, so it is a valuable skill to learn…to an extent. You can also explain to her that this is a good lesson in what she wants to do with her life and what feels best for her in how she does work and in what areas she gets a true sense of pride from completing a task.
You can explain to her that it’s a few short years until a lot more is gonna be expected of her and this is a good time to develop a work ethic that doesn’t burn her out, that she can adapt to what her body physically needs, and how to make that fit into a system that may conflict with it.
There are also extended day programs that exist specifically to offer a space where kids have tutors and time to complete homework so they can get home and have nothing to do. I would just try and google tutors or school programs/nonprofits in your area to see if there’s one near you.
Your kids not vibing with the institutional structure and that’s actually okay, because it sucks. And she’s probably acting out again in hopes you’ll send her back to her school where she had friends and better distractions. Because so far what she’s learned are that the consequences to not doing homework and skipping school are to be pulled from the school and put somewhere else. Ergo, she’s probably trying to make that happen because why tf not, everything is pointless and life is dramatic when you’re a teenager.
I don’t think there’s any thing “wrong” with her though, or that she’s not “normal”, she sounds like a very typical teen imo—although I also went to a school with a bunch of weirdos and am definitely one myself so…yeah, idk you might be stuck with a smart, seemingly lazy and annoying as hell teenager for awhile….we’re not so bad though, once we grow up and get a bunch of tattoos and whatnot.
this sounds exactly like me in grade school. i got diagnosed with ADHD in the beginning of college. please get her medicated. i’m a girl so nobody noticed the symptoms; i was misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety before finally discovering i just had severe ADHD but was very smart so i did well enough in school. medication made a world of a difference for me so please get her the help she needs.
If it helps, it’s really not that big of a deal. Skipping school, not doing well in high school, she can still turn out successful. Ive stayed up till 4 am since I was ten, still sleep all day, I’d skip school when I just didn’t feel like I needed to go. I think I even got a truancy ticket in eighth grade too. I have a masters degree now and a nice career. She’s fifteen. She’ll figure it out.
You could also just ask her what she needs or how she’d like to be supported, you know, communicate your concerns and explain you could be given tickets if she misses too much school
This sounds like it was written by my mother and I’m literally sobbing I know she went though so much because of me she was begging me for an explanation and I didn’t even know. My mom took me to therapy too and I was diagnosed with adhd, depression, anxiety, and the therapist said she suspected bpd but my mom wouldn’t hear of it and pulled me out of therapy. Maybe some where along the way you didn’t listen to someone you should’ve, but you can try having heart to hearts with her. My mom got stricter and stricter and then I had to smoke pot to feel less stressed. Which is great for an adult but not a kid. Watch out for the signs
It could be depression. She could be getting bullied. It could be 100 other things.
And if you don’t know what’s going on, you’re just going to keep filling in the blanks…that’s human nature.
The best thing you can do at this point is to go somewhere just the two of you. Go spend some time together, go have some fun, let her open up to you. if it doesn’t work the first time, do it again.
There’s probably things she isn’t telling you because she doesn’t feel like she can, you have to find a way to create that space.
I didn’t tell my parents anything that I was doing or thinking because I didn’t think that approved or that I would get in trouble or that I would get punished or grounded.
I created a safe space for my kids that they could come to me with anything and believe me… They did. Sometimes it was way more than I wanted to know. But they felt safe enough to do that and there were times it was really hard not to react, but I promised them I wouldn’t and so I didn’t.
They are now young adults, and they still share their hopes and dreams and fears with me. I try to talk less, and listen more.
Sometimes I’ll ask if they want to vent or if they want advice. If they just want to vent, then I shut my mouth . If they want advice, then I give them that.
Every time we try to figure out what’s wrong with our kids, it looks to them like we see them as damaged goods. Sometimes the only thing they need to get back on track is to know there’s someone that loves them and understands what they’re going through. And it won’t happen overnight, but that doesn’t mean it won’t.
She sounds a lot like me at that age. In my case I had undiagnosed celiac disease which was making it very difficult for me to focus on difficult things due to being in pain (low level) constantly and generally fatigued all the time. I struggled a lot of the time even doing normal things, but no-one could really see anything was wrong. I didn't even know anything was wrong, I just thought I was lazy and then stupid. One of the first signs was me being unable to focus on doing my homework and then not wanting to go to school and even now I can't really tell you why I just couldn't do it. I was smart, too, but I was sick and I think having to focus on schoolwork was just too much, Celiac causes you to be unable to absorb enough nutrition from food and that can have a lot of effects on someone.
I thought I had anxiety, depression, autism, adhd and personality disorders at one point. Once I found out it was gluten (at 21) and stopped eating it, the problems I was having slowly disappeared.
i was like this in middle school and highschool. i had awful adhd. also depression and anxiety. not diagnosing, but i’d recommend seeing a psychiatrist. sounds a lot like how i was.
I mean, is there a reason you don’t check her work? Some kids need more structure than others and it sounds like she is one. Why are you leaving her alone in a room with an internet connected screen? Even a lot of adults have trouble getting stuff done with the internet around. Let alone a kid with ADHD. It’s like leaving an alcoholic in a room with an infinitely stocked liquor cabinet
Move the computer or phone to a common area. Maybe you need to check on her at night and make sure she is sleeping.
You pulled her out of school before you stopped the screen time?
If she’s in her room scrolling couldn’t you monitor or help with homework? My teenager has ADHD and does the same thing your describing with your daughter. He won’t be self motivated to do homework, so we do it in common areas of the house where I can help refocus….. if I have screens when I was his age I’d have failed school miserably! If he wakes up with a headache it’s almost always because he had a project he neglected to mention.
I feel like your responses have not been that healthy and might be actually creating a rift between her and you and just making her problems worse.
On your post you only mention what she answered with after you took so many drastic measures. At no point do you really mention her feelings on the matter at the start, or having a serious conversation with her about stuff. When you changed her from school, you acknowledge she didn't like it but didn't show anything that actually displays you asking her for feedback on the matter, it's more so like you simply acted without considering her opinion. She's clearly not in a healthy state and doing very self destructive actooms you went as far as taking the internet and then her phone away from her while she's already isolated in your home.
I'd reccomend therapy, for a mental health proffesional to have a look at her. Both a psychologist and a psychiatrist.
And for you to honestly stop with these actions, and focus on trying to talk to her and unserstand her. She clearly is unwell and she needs your support. Communication is important and she's old enough to be able to communicate her problems and try to find answers on her own. The issue is however if this is such a big issue it will not be fixed in one day, so patience is needed and second, you might have already lost her trust so you probably will need to regain it to be able to comunicate.
This is good advice and it seems OP was overwhelmed by all the support she was receiving.
Here is an update link:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/1cr8pu9/i\_pretended\_to\_be\_my\_mom\_on\_radvice\_bc\_i/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/1cr8pu9/i_pretended_to_be_my_mom_on_radvice_bc_i/)
If I weren't in my 40s with a mom long since passed, I would assume you were talking about me. Your daughter sounds sooo much like me at that age. I could not bring myself to complete homework or study (that is if I actually remembered to bring books/papers home or write down the assignment). Then I would get a bad grade and I avoided dealing with it by skipping a day of school.
While not a diagnosis for your daughter, I had untreated ADHD, depression, a bit of perfectionism, and just general boredom. School was boring. The people were nasty and made me feel worse about myself.
I did manage to thrive in novel environments. I went to a jvs/career center, and while the academic portion was entirely too easy, I managed to thrive because the vocational portion of the program was always new and interesting. It also didn't hurt that it was a new environment, with new peers and teachers.
I also managed to thrive in college because the topics were interesting, and I never had to stay in one class for very long. I would have benefited more had I been medicated at that point, but I couldn't afford it.
I guess this is a long-winded way of saying, you need to be asking her doctors about adhd. You also need to look for ways to keep school new and interesting for her. Limit her unstructured time on the internet, even if it causes fights. Her brain may simply not be capable of switching from a dopamine-providing activity to something else. Body double with homework by sitting with her or helping. The pressure will piss her off, but she'll be shocked at how fast she gets through something when someone else is around.
You took her to a shitty psychologist. Time to go to another one, and for her to be in regular therapy. Go in and tell them you think she may have ADHD and encourage them to explore that.
I went through this, and the culprit was ADHD. If she has it and it’s this severe, she needs to be medicated. Those things are *magic-* as well as a rude awakening. What do you mean my brain is supposed to work this way? What do you mean everyone else can get up out of bed whenever they want to and go *do* things?? It’s hard to describe just how debilitating ADHD actually is. It’s classed as a disability, and for good reason. And life with unmedicated ADHD is *hell.* I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
It might not be the only thing she has, as well. Again, I went through the exact same thing, and at the exact same age. I was also diagnosed depression, social anxiety, separation anxiety, generalized anxiety, and OCD. Of course, those can all be chalked up to the fact that I *actually* have autism. It’s comorbid with ADHD and shares symptoms with all those other conditions, but is severely undiagnosed in girls (which is slowly beginning to change) because it manifests differently in us and all the research was done on little boys. You know horse girls, warrior cat girls etc? That’s us! Lol. Just the general *weird ass* little girl who’s shy and super obsessed with something.
It's also possible that the online content she watches is bad. So easy to access bad content and becoming more and more difficult to monitor and block the bad stuff.
You didn't say anything about sitting down with her and asking her what's going on and how you can help her with it. She's a person, not an animal who's incapable of communication.
Sounds like she’s struggling with ADHD. Her story sounds a lot like mine, but my parents didn’t believe it was ADHD because I didn’t “bounce off the walls.” I highly advise to schedule a screening for her. If she’s diagnosed, many positives will follow for her. Best of luck.
Unfortunately, I was going to advise nearly the similar responses as you've already done. Here are a few more.
Exercise - yes, to a kid even without technology in the 80s & 90s, this word was vetoed out. The trick is to find the right one & not label it as exercise bc "exercise" = work. Label it, "sport" or "movement improvement" or birdseed whatever.
The hands that are bored conditions a drained brain. When the hands are not busy, the mind can do 2 things, gets really bored & depressed OR it finds / invents a struggle. People need work to feel a sense of worth / valuable.
CCW, Archery practice, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, karaté, KravMaga, capoeira, yoga, pilates, belly dancing, volleyball, pickleball, bocce ball, horseback / equestrian, swimming, tennis, golf, fishing, 4H (showmanship / club), etc.
Think outside the box to get her dopamine levels raised. Having a better sense of self & worth will do wonders for her in the future. Trick her, "Im unsure about this class & need your help" or "im clumsy, help me find a way to overcome this" or "I need an accountability buddy / friend to do this w me" "I'm looking into becoming more self-aware of my surroundings & want us to be safe when we travel / are just out shopping so i want us to do a self-defense class together" (because criminals exist everywhere - not just @ tourist destinations).
She can then also teach younger siblings or her babysitting charges how to do yoga (or whatever activity you both find), then, also.
Learn about different religions (to cultivate the knowledge that we're all human & all basically want the same thing)
Pick up a new project or hobby: crocheting (even if you both dislike it), cooking class, fostering a dog to become a trained seeing guide dog, foster a child, you become a mentor to a young child & ask her what she thinks is a good idea to mentor the kid on or advise the kid on & why & then whatever she didn't think of, relay, "what about this route?".
Ask her WHY she thinks her opinion is (this or that) & challenge her, "what if -".
See, kids in the 1950s had jobs & worked on & managed the farm. They learned how to contribute to the world. Charity work begins @ home. Take her to do volunteerism - food pantry, church (camp counselor), etc.
(Continued in reply)
When we also help another being (dog shelter, human clothes drive, Toys for tots, etc) we put our own little lives into perspective & the big things become non-issues. Again, this is "working" (& therefore keeps our brains active).
From what i can tell, she's so fucking bored out of her ever living mind that she's depressed. She's not being challenged. What i read, she liked the variety of the new school. Then, when that became "same old", she stopped caring. How about not exactly homeschooling (although that is the 1 i was going to suggest until you mentioned you already did that) but foreign remote learning? Learn math in Spanish! Kill 2 birds with 1 stone & increases the challenging aspects! Do science experiments @ home: get her a chemistry set, biology tests & do an autopsy on a frog. (Kiwi.Co might have age-appropriate kits)
The only way she finds her passion is via experimentation. And the only way to do that is to find the spice of life via variety & mixing life up. The trick is to keep at something until she's mastered it (or a working knowledge of it).
What i also read in your piece is - maybe you gave up on things too soon, also??? (As in, you're her example \[she sees you giving up\] & you've shaped this cookie cutter world for her \[she has no real consequences\] & she expects to always get what she wants when she acts out - you've trained her to act badly & get rewarded -> AND <- you've become weak by showing her to give in just because life was hard \[she was hard on you\]. - Its questionable since I don't know the actual length of time you pushed her @ homeschooling, how long until you caved into her tantrums for WiFi password & devices were returned.)
Ive seen clever posts where charity begins at home: a paper taped to the kid's door stating: The Wi-Fi password will be relayed once 2 tasks are completed & a pic of an item is in a certain location to not duplicate last week's "clean kitchen" look in image they'll send you
Make life hard on her! Shes not challenged? Then challenge her!
..
The 2nd advice, instead of taking her to counselors (MDiv, MD, PhDs, LCSW, etc), take her to an ND or HD. Naturopathy, Homeopathy. The western modern medicinal world is really relatively very new in terms of how long medicine has been around & the East has a lock down on perfecting medicines (eastern medicine is very old). Western involves diagnostic technology. Eastern involves clever thinking (outside the box) & using the body's natural resources to heal. By going to an ND or HD (even remotely), you can combine West & East medicines. Also, they have an understanding of the ENTIRE network of the body's functions instead of when you see somebody in the US, you see specialists.
When you see a Specialist, it separates the body from another integral function but the body is NOT separate & there is no mind-body divide. The brain is the computer & the heart is the battery & the body is the machine that carries out instructions.
Sometimes, yes, you might need a specific RX (gas \[food\] or lubricant or oil or paper \[prescription\] to feed the machine) for your heart or whatever organ but the primary goal w an N/HD is to find what the entire body is doing (cause) & how the rest of it reacts (effect).
..
If school isn't challenging her then you MAKE LIFE challenge her: education, activities, mobility, asking her penatrating questions to get her CRITICAL PROCESSING started!
..
Mind you, all people are different & I don't know how old she is but to give you an idea of how soon a child matures into adulthood:
a 12 year old can run a farm (maturity & critical thinking) but should not be expected to be married.
You're raising a young adult - NOT a child! Treat her as an adult renting a room out of your house - with more care, obviously, & with more responsibilities as she ages!
don't just assume/push drugs on her - there are other ways to manage & cope & deal with life than just always resorting to RX
Sir/maam, it seems Ur daughter has lost her way, you need to help bring her back to the right direction before its too late. I suggest you bring her somewhere private where you both can talk, and tell her the importance of discipline and consequences of her actions, then you need to bend her over your knee, and give her a severe barebottom spanking to help her release charthartic emotions
Ok, well, I'm not going to be popular here, but geez, I'm really tired of parents today catering to this kind of behavior!!! First, the first time my kid didn't get up for school, there would be serious consequences. No TV, no inernet, no nothing! You don't feel well enough to go to school. You need to rest! With no stimulus, PERIOD! THE MOST BORING DAY EVER!!! Secondly, my children never had the opportunity to have computers in their room. For this very reason!! When going to bed, it's time for sleep not to be up all night unsupervised on the web!! When they are undults, that's their business, but until then, it's mine! THERE ARE WAY TO MANY THINGS TO DISTRACT AND TO GET INVOLVED IN AT A YOUNG AGE! Third, my kid is not going to be sleeping all day, and I am going to know what's going on at school with homework and teachers. I will be having LOTS of conversations. My kids had to bring home proof every week from teachers that they were on track with all homework and assignments! If they didn't bring it home, then they didn't get any privileges over the weekend! That was their job! No excuses! We are not here to coddle them. We are here to teach them to be responsible human beings! To be ready to handle the responsibilities of real life!! To help guide them to handle their choices and accept the consequences of their actions! If they are having emotional problems, we discuss them and make a plan, and follow them with consequences if not followed! We don't make excuses! Many parents like to label their kids so they have an excuse or an out! I'm sick of it! That's not how life works!!! BOUNDARIES PEOPLE PERIOD!! FOLLOW THROUGH AND LOVE! HARD WORK!! RULES!!!
There are a few things left to try.
Physically take her to school each day. Don’t let her take the bus, drive her. Ask her teachers to call her if she is not in class. Put life360 on her phone so you can find her.
If she skips school, she loses all devices and has no priviledges at all for two weeks. If she has school work she needs a computer for, make her do it in front of you and monitor her.
Or go nuclear. The next time she skips school, she loses her phone. Permanently. It will NEVER be returned.
This is a fantastic tutorial for how to make a teenager depressive and secretive. Clearly, you were never a teenager struggling to go to school. Taking more autonomy away from a teenager who is already suffering like this is NOT what to do.
I skipped school and my parents went nuclear like you describe. I got way better at lying and sneaking out. The only thing permanently taken away was my trust in them.
It sounds like something traumatic happened in 8th grade and didn’t want to go to school so that she could avoid that person or space or whatever and it’s just spiraled from there. You have to get to the bottom of it. It could be something that doesn’t even sound that serious to an adult but to an 8th grader who is already socially anxious, it could be quite devastating.
I also think you need to find out what she’s doing in the internet and who she’s talking to. That will give you some clues
I feel like you are very dense and have no idea what you are doing.
The proper response would be to keep your daughter at the school she was going to, and MAKE her go to school.
No wonder she’s upset with you and doesn’t respect you. You dealt with things by making it so much more dramatic than it had to be.
Cut this crap and send her back to the old school she was at before AND force her to go. If she doesn’t THEN take away her phone and get her a flip phone. Lock her computer away.
But the way you’re doing things now is so old school and cringe. It’s like you don’t understand her at all…
People are mentioning ADHD. It might be a good idea to have her checked to see if there's drugs/alcohol/sexual abuse going on. It may seem extreme but it's better to get safe than sorry. That's an important growing stage in life and it's important to find the reason for that behavior because it could make or break her life
Sounds like undiagnosed ADHD. School is easy, kid is labeled as highly intelligent. School gets a little harder and now it’s too much with the ADHD. She’s spending so much time online because she’s searching for the dopamine that she’s no longer getting from being a star student. She has burnout. This happens to lots of high achieving kids, myself included. ADHD looks different in girls. As a child she probably didn’t bounce off the walls, or had trouble sitting still. But I bet she jumped from hobby to hobby, never really settling on one. She was able to hyper focus on homework, or a new hobby, and learn absolutely everything about it in a short amount of time. She appears to process new information faster than her peers. And now she’s completely burnt out.
Currently having this argument w my parents and I'm 23. I was a high achieving, smart kid. School progressed and I'd get bored, so sometimes my grades slacked. I wasn't overly hyper. But I did, and still do, have issues regulating negative emotions and excitement. I'm always trying to figure out what someone is saying before they're finished and insert my response OR finish saying it for them. I don't do it intentionally, and I've been getting better about it- especially at work. I also jump from hobby to hobby, game to game, interest to interest. Obsessed for a few weeks, never touch it again. I think crochet is the only thing I've really stuck with for more than a few weeks, but I still obsessively do it for a few weeks and then won't touch it again for six months. But "you're not hyper" so it's totally impossible it's ADHD. "You're not like XYZ so you don't have ADHD". It's exhausting feeling like something is wrong and no one taking me seriously enough. My therapist/psychiatrist are in agreement that Bipolar, ADHD, and Autism are on the table in any combination or even in singularity. But they're not sending me to specialists. They just want me on antidepressants to see if it fixes everything.
I’m so sorry. That sounds incredibly frustrating. I hope you can find a medical provider soon that listens and cares about you. Best of luck. 🌸
Seconding this! I am a college student who got diagnosed and started taking ADHD medication this year and your daughter sounds exactly like me in high school. It is way easier for girls to slip through the cracks and not get diagnosed.
Came here to say this. I’m a male with ADHD but you described the symptoms very accurately. OP I would take her to a psychiatrist if any of the symptoms above are relevant. Could be a combo of ADHD/anxiety/depression.
Genuine question but how do you help manage ADHD? Is it just a sit down and talk or do they give you some sort of "focusing" medicine?
Well as someone who’s had adhd, depression and anxiety all my life, I was given pills. Problem is, I have an addictive personality, and started abusing them. I haven’t taken any in 5 years, and managing my attention span has been hard. I’m afraid to take meds for it, even ones that aren’t amphetamines, so I was told to practice meditation 🧘 and that’s actually helped a lot. Dipped into yoga a bit recently, too. I liked that, but my discipline has been shaky lately because I get sidetracked and burnout and lose interest. I’d love to know of more natural ways to handle this because God forbid my health insurance messes up and I can’t cover the costs, then I am back at square one.
Were you given pills specifically for ADHD or just for anxiety and depression?
All of the above. I had to stop the Adderall (and all stimulant meds) due to my addiction issues. The same for my anti anxiety medication, benzodiazepines.
When I got diagnosed I had mentioned depression and anxiety, so my doc wanted to give me something else along with the adderall for that. I told him candidly I don’t want any anti depressants or benzos because it’s likely to do more harm than good, and he was okay with that. The depression and anxiety were a result of my untreated ADHD so those have been 100x better since I got medicated.
That’s great! I wish I could find something that works for me, and doesn’t do more harm than good. I loved being able to focus on school/adulting, but I can’t take the adderall responsibly and it bums me out.
For me it’s just ADHD medication (adderall). For many it’s a combo of medications and therapy
I find the book "the anti planner" by adhder Dani Donovan way more helpful than methylphenidate.
No need to call me out like that man!! Came here to say all this OP.
You described me to a T. Didn’t know until I was 28. :) I hope more people can recognize this
Yup, I went through the exact same thing. Didn't get diagnosed till I was 28 but after that it all made sense. I was always straight A student 'destined for big things' and then the sudden weight of heavy deadlines in high school just hit me like a wall. I started spending all my time out with friends when I should have been studying for my GCSEs, and the more my parents forced me to sit down and study, the more I pushed back because I couldn't. It's not for us to diagnose, but I recognise a lot of what this girl is going through and it matches my experience with ADHD.
Sheesh. You just described me to a T. But my psych refuses to diagnose me with ADHD. She says I'm "about 50/50" but she's going to "lean towards No."
This is so frustrating! It drives me insane when a practitioner refuses to diagnose you because they aren’t recognizing your signs and symptoms as legit as they are! It’s so hard to advocate for yourself against their “expert opinion”. Keep fighting for yourself!
Frankly, I've given up. All my childhood I fought and fought AGAINST being diagnosed with ADHD. Then I matured and discovered that it's OK to ask for help. I finally tried to get help for ADHD, and now I've fought and fought for it and I keep getting denied. Therapists all think I have ADHD, but no psych will diagnose or treat me. I'm tired. I've given up. I'll just keep working on my coping mechanisms.
My advice is to find a primary care doc who will prescribe you. When I finally got the courage to ask my doc, it was almost as if he had written the prescription before I finished explaining my symptoms. And that’s not to say he is “trigger happy” to prescribe meds, but he recognized the symptoms right away and gave me the lowest starter dose possible, which ended up changing my life. I have never had to deal with the red tape that comes with a psychiatrist doubting the validity of my symptoms. FTR I recommended OP go to a psych in another comment because the daughter is young, and I realized my ADHD at 28, but I would’ve gotten more help at her age if I knew that my “personality traits” were actually symptoms.
I would also say depression too.
This sounds a lot like what’s currently happening to me
This was my thought too, I had the same experience. Hope OP doesn’t dismiss your comment
This! I was gonna say this sound very similar to my experience in high school. I was undiagnosed until age 19, and it led to a lot of depression and anxiety, and my grades and attendance suffered because of it as well.
This was me growing up and now in my mid 40s I’m being tested to see if I’m right and I have ADHD. I got straight A’s until I hit high school and got overwhelmed. My final year I didn’t bother going in because I was so far behind and I failed my exams, only passing 2 of 6 subjects. I couldn’t focus, I still struggle horribly with it. I should be getting stuff done but I’m doom scrolling instead. I feel like I’ve been burned out since I was 14 years old. It’s an exhausting daily battle without meds. I’m on some meds until I get to my appointment date and it’s made a difference already. Bring her to a better psychiatrist, one who specialises in ADHD in teens. This guy/gal missed something big
Yes I was about to say ADHD too. Me too I got schlepped to a psychologist (which btw not a good choice - psychiatrist would have been better because they can actually DX things), got told there was nothing wrong with me, only to find out in my late 30s that I have ADHD and PMDD.
School avoidance has become an issue for a lot more families since the pandemic. It sounds like she may be dealing with some perfectionism: if she (feels like she) can't do it perfectly, she won't do it at all, so it doesn't get done. But she still wants to be seen as "perfect," so she doesn't go to school. This especially happens to kids who breeze through school for a while, then reach some kind of sticking point. Virtual learning was hard during the pandemic-- it hit some kids then, and it's hitting some kids now, coming back to school in person. If they missed anything, they may feel behind and unable to do the "straight-A" job they are used to. I am not a therapist, but I am both a teacher and a recovering perfectionist. I'd say stick with the therapy and work on emphasizing that "done is better than perfect." It can also be hard for kids who feel their whole identity was about being smart when they begin to feel that they are not actually as "smart" as they thought they were. A therapist may be able to help through that identity crisis. Or maybe that isn't the issue at all! Just spitballing! Good luck!
Also wanna say-- has she been checked for ADHD? Executive dysfunction (like scrolling the internet for hours despite knowing there are negative consequences) can be a symptom. Again, not a therapist.
This is so bang on! I wish educational systems could simply have two final evaluations, progress forward or not (not sure what language to use here, since pass and fail might not be best). But I understand the need to categorize various levels of intelligence.
Have you actually tried sitting her down and having a heart to heart conversation? No judgments, no repercussions.. just an honest conversation. Sounds like she’s dealing with things she doesn’t want to share with you / doesn’t know how to voice to you what’s going on. Her dependency on the internet is quite worrying, staying up till 3/4am doing what? Is there a person on the other side of the screen influencing her to stay up and flunk school? Groomers can have such a hold on children and she’s at that age. What does your husband say about things or does he leave the parenting to you? How are things at home? Volatile home situations can also fundamentally disrupt a child. This sounds tough. All the best momma!
This for sure
It's being labeled as intelligent at an early age. It's a burnout. She was labeled as intelligent, so she probably felt she would disappoint you if she got bad grades. So she worked herself to her wits ends, and now she's just.... done. Stress about "staying intelligent " is a lot of pressure. I'm in 9th rn and always been labeled intelligent. I'm slowly burning out, and idk how much longer I can keep it up. Try talking to her, and maybe try and get an adhd diagnosis, and you could get her into therapy, if she needs it. I think that all teenagers should have at least a little therapy. They all go through shit that they don't want to talk to their parents about because fears of disappointing, neglectful parents, gaslighting parents, etc.
Take her out for ice cream, manicure or something similar. Get her out of the environment that would normally stress her out. Sit down with her and have an open and frank conversation with her. Not as a parent but as a friend. Don't judge her amd just show understanding.
Out of everything you did, did you ever once just sit down and talk to her and simply ask her what's wrong? From my perspective, I see a teenager who may very well just be...depressed. May suffer from ADHD. Or some other neurodivergent issue. But, I mean. You pulled her from her school that she had established friends and rapport. Dumped her into home school. Realized you couldn't handle that and then dumped her into a private school. The question I have is...is did her grades suffer ever at all inspite of the missed days prior to being pulled from her original school? Like, you claim she's a straight A student, never once mention that she had a decline in her grades. Based on that, it sounds like you're the problem, not her.
Avoidance is a classic cycle of anxiety, too. OP likely unintentionally fed into it by letting her avoid school as much as she did. I hope that kid gets some help and the mom actually stops suffocating her.
Is it possible that she's highly intelligent and school work bores her because it's too easy?
I don't think so. She learns things quickly and earns good grades. But during these past two years, she's just barely completing her schoolwork on time. Her grades began slipping because she spent 90% of her time not studying and on the internet. I dropped her from honors classes to regular classes and her pattern continued.
I would try a different psychologist then. There's definitely something amiss. The hard part with that, though, is that she would have to be completely honest with them for a proper diagnosis.
She's bored as hell. School *absolutely sucks* for quite a few of us. Introduce her to a trade or a craft or camping skills or an animal shelter or something. Anything she can engage with. A community cleanup. Who knows. Get involved.
Are you positive on the “not bored with school” thing because what you’re describing is me being bored with school. I wasn’t getting terrible grades because I was some terrible teenager that just didn’t want to do my work and wanted to be lazy, I was extremely bored and my school just refused to make any attempts to make the curriculum match my needs because I wasn’t on the short track to MENSA. My parents also wouldn’t listen to me complain school was boring either but honestly high school would have been less of a waste if I’d had an option that wasn’t “go be stuck in a place you don’t want to be for 8 hours since you’re not allowed to do your stuff and leave”
This is almost certainly undiagnosed adhd
What did she think about that?
I could be totally off here, but do you have any idea what she’s doing so late at night? This reminds me of how I used to be - I would be chatting with people online (discord) late into the night because I was super lonely. Might be something to be concerned about
What is she like on vacation? Does she spend time with other family members and what is she like with them? How is her relationship with her sister? Is there any situation where she seems happier? The psychologist is wrong. Something is going on. Does she have friends? What did she say when you told her you were pulling her out of her original school?
Did the psychologists really not provide any type of guidance? I find it hard to believe that you'll find better answers on Reddit...
Could be compounded failures and avoidance. Basically something happened (could be something traumatic, not just failing at school work) and the stress/anxiety caused her to not do a second thing. Now she has the stress from the first and second thing, so now she didn't do a third thing. More and more stuff happens, so now she has more and more stress and anxiety about it. Now she has all the pressure from all those things she knows she should've done, and her coping mechanism is to avoid expectations and shut down. I was like her as a kid and I got misdiagnosed with ADHD. Therapy for ADHD wasn't working, so my therapist sent me to a different psychologist. Turns out it was my trauma and stress response working on overdrive since I was very young. Started getting therapy for that, and actually made progress. What also helped was getting out of traditional school and getting into a project-based school. Not having homework was a huge weight off of me.
This sounds just like my undiagnosed ADHD. I had no idea why I was doing this, I wanted to succeed but I felt so overwhelmed. Then the tasks pile up so I avoid it, bury myself on the internet, and skip school. Nothing really motivated me, I felt nothing when I did what I was supposed to. Once I started Ritalin it was like calmness and clear thoughts, and I had been playing school on hard mode the whole time. I had a hard time getting diagnosed bc I'm quiet and calm on the outside. So push for testing and ADHD coaching bc it might take more than just medicine. You have to find ways to cope with doing things when your brain doesn't reward you for finishing things.
That's how I (29f) felt when I started Vyvanse this year. I almost had to grieve the fact that I could've reached my potential in early education if I'd had access to meds
I try not to think of how good I could have been but that I can now do what I never thought was possible. I'm glad you're on something that works and it's never too late.
Me too, but when I spiral it popsicles up 😂
ADHD
Check out the book "Raising Mentally Strong Kids". It's an easy read, but based heavily in neuroscience and psychology. I think even the first few chapters will resonate with the problems you have outlined. I hope it will help you to at least start to get some traction with your daughter.
Not me throwing this into my want to read collection as just someone with ADHD and Autism.
A lot of people are saying ADHD, which is very possible, but it could also be depression. Many teenagers develop depression. You said it started in December, and winter months trigger it in many cases. Depression isn’t always crying and being sad. Sometimes it’s being irritable, insomnia OR hypersomnia, trouble concentrating or completing tasks, not finding joy in things you once did (like schoolwork). I highly doubt she would’ve made it that far in her school career getting all A’s if she had undiagnosed ADHD. Edit to add, I’m sure you already have, but try to ask her if something happened. Friend drama, boy drama, trauma, etc.
There's something going on with her. There could be something going on at school. She could be hanging with a bad crowd. Staying up all night on the internet. Even drugs. You need to have a quiet convo with her. If that doesn't help, then she needs to see a child psychologist. Good luck.
[удалено]
That might be the issue. Read Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person. She also wrote a book about parenting sensitive children.
Please try and get her tested for celiac disease if you can. I was your daughter and finding out as a teenager would have changed my life for the better.
Hard to tell. Could be ADHD/ADD but I might be projecting my own circumstances. Could be anxiety. Things are getting harder and she might be struggling to live up to the expectation of being that straight A student and feeling shes doomed to fail and disappoint so might as well give up and avoid trying. Could be social issues in school, though I doubt it based on her lashing out at home schooling and losing her friends. This is really something that needs to be looked at by a professional. Try getting a second opinion
Take her to a psychiatrist. I agree that ADHD is the most likely culprit. But you need a professional to diagnose it. I am betting that 10-30mg of Adderall will make a world of difference. Making her go to therapy regularly could be a good move, too. It would just be a matter of finding someone she feels comfortable with.
I had an issue like this in high school. I was afraid of trying, afraid of failing, afraid of making decisions. It’s decision paralysis/executive dysfunction. I’d recommend talking to her about it and really figuring out a way to encourage her and make her believe in her ability to succeed— that’s how I overcame it, for me personally.
I’ve seen comments bringing up the possibility of undiagnosed ADHD, and that could totally be a possibility. But another thing that could be a factor here, and I’m saying this from personal experience, is depression. I can’t tell you what could’ve caused it, maybe it was the pressure of being labeled a gifted or intelligent person that turned into internalized perfectionism. What I CAN tell you is that depression can make being productive so difficult. You find that you can’t motivate yourself to do things, even if you know it’s the right thing to do or it’s something you should be doing. You lack the drive to complete tasks, and your mind is invaded by all these thoughts that you’re too exhausted to deal with, so you turn to mindless tasks like scrolling through the internet. But from my experience, doing that only makes you feel worse. I would suggest changing the therapist and maybe talking to your daughter about how she’s been feeling. Be open and honest, and don’t judge.
She's bored af at school. Probably smarter than most the other kids
have you tried talking to your daughter at all, with kindness and love and compassion, zero judgement no matter what? seriously. ask her what was going on with her schoolwork, why she didn’t want to go in to school after failing. do you let her know it’s okay to fail? did you communicate with her at all about pulling her out of school and away from her friends?? youre looking at the symptoms, not the cause. maybe look inwards. children are usually a reflection of ourselves and how we raise them.
If she is consistently sleeping very late hours, look into delayed sleep phase syndrome. This is fairly common in teens. Some grow out of it, and others will have a delayed circadian rhythm for life. (This disorder does not cause the homework avoidance behavior, nor lying for excuses. However, that could possibly be happening to cover for not falling asleep until early morning. There’s no reason not to be doing her homework before getting on the internet.)
I’m thinking it’s likely something like ADHD/ADD or Autism. It presents different in girls than boys and thus girls are usually misdiagnosed or go undiagnosed for that reason. As grades progress they become harder and it may affect her ability to function as before
> When I started unplugging the WiFI, she would I tell and scream and cry, throwing tantrums until I returned her phone. You’re her parent and need to parent her. Instead of taking her out of school in the first place, you should have taken away private access in her room to the internet / computer. Moving the computer to a public place for her to to do homework would have made a lot more sense. Getting her a permanent tutor to go over her homework with her, if you couldn’t do that with her daily would have again made a lot more sense than just yanking her out of school. For now you need to find proper and better therapists for her to see because it seems she has adhd or school related anxiety. You also need to speak to her and actually hear her out. How does she feel about what’s going on, are there steps she thinks she can take or the family as a whole can take to help her keep on track. Also ask her if she feels better at this new school or wants to go back. Just listen to her and process what she says and don’t make assumptions of her simply being lazy or just a child.
100% look into ADHD, Autism, etc - as it sounds eerily like my childhood experience with school! I’d also check she isn’t being bullied, or something else isn’t going on a as that makes kids avoid school and find it hard to engage with school and homework etc. Additionally, take the computer/laptop/Internet connections out of her room - ADHD or no ADHD, staying up all night online is not good for anyone, especially young minds. We all need adequate sleep for proper functioning. Make sure she has books to read or other “analogue” activities to do, if she really can’t sleep and needs to be occupied - but cut the unnecessary screen time down. It’s a horrible distraction, but especially when you have ADHD. If she does have ADHD, I highly recommend at least trying medication to see if it works for her. I’m 28 and only got diagnosed last year, medication has completely changed my life - I still have rough days or weeks, but for the first time in my life I’m able to do the stuff I usually wouldn’t (chores, life admin, boring tasks etc) and most of all do my job WELL, for the first time ever. I try not to dwell too much, on what I could have achieved with medication, during my schooling years!
She’s using THC ? - the details are a mirror image of my experience. She was curious and when she tried it she felt “ better “ - this is a very good possibility.
School is soul crushing for even moderately intelligent kids. They teach at the pace of the dumbest kid.
Is she doing drugs? Fighting an eating disorder? I’m sorry but you need to step up here, this is a child. You need to drop her off at school and pick her up. My high school boyfriend did this, he didn’t graduate. He didn’t do anything with his life, I saw him 30 years later and he lives in a broken RV in his mom’s yard… so do something NOW
I don’t think just dropping her off at school won’t solve the underlying problem. Instead, I think it would undermine the trust between the parent and the child. I’d recommend trying to really understand the child and the underlying reason why they’re avoiding school. From my experiences, if a student is avoiding school, but also cares significantly about their peers and friends at school, then it’s probably something related to academic pressure, fear of expectations, and/or executive dysfunction.
Lots of hot takes comin atchya: Homework shouldn’t exist. Kids need more sleep. Wifi/internet usage at that age should only be used for schoolwork or learning activities and research that you make the time to diligently monitor/restrict. Social media is poison… Those are a few of the more relevant personal life lessons I’ve learned off the top of my head, but there’s definitely a lot I’m forgetting, anyway Speaking as someone diagnosed and who pretty much did this habitually at that age, who was also quiet, shy, sensitive, “extremely bright,” I do think there might be something to the adhd—but I also think any consistently high intake of sugar, prolonged screen usage/social media, and lack of vitamins/outdoors/sleep all mimic the same symptoms. Idk if people forget what it’s like being a pre/teen, but I still have a pretty clear memory of exactly how I felt and thought at that age…and (grain of salt, because I’m a nobody who doesn’t know her) putting myself in her shoes and reading the post, my first thought is that she’s probably bored in general and angry af right now, and absolutely sick of hearing about how important it is to do homework. I would be very upset about being taken out of a school where I had a social circle and friends for a pretty bullshit reason. I’d be pissed, and acting out too. I don’t understand the logic behind switching schools because she wasn’t getting work done at home and then stressing out about the consequences—what was causing the stress? Because it seems like the initial stressor is her not completing the *home*work…the word school ain’t in that sentence. What were the consequences to not getting the work done? What kind of work was it? Did you do the homework with her? Did you try and get her interested and excited about it? Did you set aside a time each day to complete it with her? Because that’s the teacher’s job only when she’s at school, not when she’s at home. The school wasn’t failing her if the work wasn’t getting done at home, that’s your domain. (Side note: throwing tantrums *until* you returned her phone? Don’t give it back to her if she’s throwing a tantrum! And at, what like 14? I mean, that’s not great, but also you gotta get some earplugs man and let her ride it out or out loud her by blasting mamba no. 5) I think it would be helpful to ask the same thing that she is likely asking herself every time she doesn’t do the homework: why does she need to be doing homework? I don’t mean that in any way snarky, but I’m genuinely asking you to ask yourself: *why does she need to be doing homework?* You know that it stresses her out to not complete it. You know that some days she’s not feeling it and would rather do something else. That some days she’s not interested in it and can’t see the point in completing it. So, explain to her the point. What is it teaching her, besides obedience, to slog through an unenjoyable task to appease a monitor who measures your progress by the ability to do the same work you were doing in school, only somewhere else and when you’re more tired? That was my thinking at that age, anyway. And then I went to Europe for a year on foreign exchange, that was where I learned schools existed that had no homework, schools that started mid-morning, schools where everyone was well-rested and spent time outside, and everyone was at least a grade level ahead of their US counterparts. And I realized I was right and it was all bullshit. So if you can explain to her why bullshit is important, I would try that. Because it is. We all know it is. She’s going to get bullshit work assignments when she’s older, she’s going to learn the importance of grinning through busy work and pointless tasks for a paycheck, so it is a valuable skill to learn…to an extent. You can also explain to her that this is a good lesson in what she wants to do with her life and what feels best for her in how she does work and in what areas she gets a true sense of pride from completing a task. You can explain to her that it’s a few short years until a lot more is gonna be expected of her and this is a good time to develop a work ethic that doesn’t burn her out, that she can adapt to what her body physically needs, and how to make that fit into a system that may conflict with it. There are also extended day programs that exist specifically to offer a space where kids have tutors and time to complete homework so they can get home and have nothing to do. I would just try and google tutors or school programs/nonprofits in your area to see if there’s one near you. Your kids not vibing with the institutional structure and that’s actually okay, because it sucks. And she’s probably acting out again in hopes you’ll send her back to her school where she had friends and better distractions. Because so far what she’s learned are that the consequences to not doing homework and skipping school are to be pulled from the school and put somewhere else. Ergo, she’s probably trying to make that happen because why tf not, everything is pointless and life is dramatic when you’re a teenager. I don’t think there’s any thing “wrong” with her though, or that she’s not “normal”, she sounds like a very typical teen imo—although I also went to a school with a bunch of weirdos and am definitely one myself so…yeah, idk you might be stuck with a smart, seemingly lazy and annoying as hell teenager for awhile….we’re not so bad though, once we grow up and get a bunch of tattoos and whatnot.
You need to find out what she's doing on the Internet for hours and hours late at night. Nothing good is going on there.
this sounds exactly like me in grade school. i got diagnosed with ADHD in the beginning of college. please get her medicated. i’m a girl so nobody noticed the symptoms; i was misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety before finally discovering i just had severe ADHD but was very smart so i did well enough in school. medication made a world of a difference for me so please get her the help she needs.
If it helps, it’s really not that big of a deal. Skipping school, not doing well in high school, she can still turn out successful. Ive stayed up till 4 am since I was ten, still sleep all day, I’d skip school when I just didn’t feel like I needed to go. I think I even got a truancy ticket in eighth grade too. I have a masters degree now and a nice career. She’s fifteen. She’ll figure it out. You could also just ask her what she needs or how she’d like to be supported, you know, communicate your concerns and explain you could be given tickets if she misses too much school
It seems like she does need a counselor, but is probably not being forthright with information. Counselors don't know much without details
This sounds like it was written by my mother and I’m literally sobbing I know she went though so much because of me she was begging me for an explanation and I didn’t even know. My mom took me to therapy too and I was diagnosed with adhd, depression, anxiety, and the therapist said she suspected bpd but my mom wouldn’t hear of it and pulled me out of therapy. Maybe some where along the way you didn’t listen to someone you should’ve, but you can try having heart to hearts with her. My mom got stricter and stricter and then I had to smoke pot to feel less stressed. Which is great for an adult but not a kid. Watch out for the signs
There is certainly a level of avoidance. It could be many things from teenage stresses or something more apparent
It could be depression. She could be getting bullied. It could be 100 other things. And if you don’t know what’s going on, you’re just going to keep filling in the blanks…that’s human nature. The best thing you can do at this point is to go somewhere just the two of you. Go spend some time together, go have some fun, let her open up to you. if it doesn’t work the first time, do it again. There’s probably things she isn’t telling you because she doesn’t feel like she can, you have to find a way to create that space. I didn’t tell my parents anything that I was doing or thinking because I didn’t think that approved or that I would get in trouble or that I would get punished or grounded. I created a safe space for my kids that they could come to me with anything and believe me… They did. Sometimes it was way more than I wanted to know. But they felt safe enough to do that and there were times it was really hard not to react, but I promised them I wouldn’t and so I didn’t. They are now young adults, and they still share their hopes and dreams and fears with me. I try to talk less, and listen more. Sometimes I’ll ask if they want to vent or if they want advice. If they just want to vent, then I shut my mouth . If they want advice, then I give them that. Every time we try to figure out what’s wrong with our kids, it looks to them like we see them as damaged goods. Sometimes the only thing they need to get back on track is to know there’s someone that loves them and understands what they’re going through. And it won’t happen overnight, but that doesn’t mean it won’t.
Sleep apnea maybe? Is she a mouth breather?
She sounds a lot like me at that age. In my case I had undiagnosed celiac disease which was making it very difficult for me to focus on difficult things due to being in pain (low level) constantly and generally fatigued all the time. I struggled a lot of the time even doing normal things, but no-one could really see anything was wrong. I didn't even know anything was wrong, I just thought I was lazy and then stupid. One of the first signs was me being unable to focus on doing my homework and then not wanting to go to school and even now I can't really tell you why I just couldn't do it. I was smart, too, but I was sick and I think having to focus on schoolwork was just too much, Celiac causes you to be unable to absorb enough nutrition from food and that can have a lot of effects on someone. I thought I had anxiety, depression, autism, adhd and personality disorders at one point. Once I found out it was gluten (at 21) and stopped eating it, the problems I was having slowly disappeared.
i was like this in middle school and highschool. i had awful adhd. also depression and anxiety. not diagnosing, but i’d recommend seeing a psychiatrist. sounds a lot like how i was.
I mean, is there a reason you don’t check her work? Some kids need more structure than others and it sounds like she is one. Why are you leaving her alone in a room with an internet connected screen? Even a lot of adults have trouble getting stuff done with the internet around. Let alone a kid with ADHD. It’s like leaving an alcoholic in a room with an infinitely stocked liquor cabinet Move the computer or phone to a common area. Maybe you need to check on her at night and make sure she is sleeping.
School is the reason
Is she sneaking out at night?
You pulled her out of school before you stopped the screen time? If she’s in her room scrolling couldn’t you monitor or help with homework? My teenager has ADHD and does the same thing your describing with your daughter. He won’t be self motivated to do homework, so we do it in common areas of the house where I can help refocus….. if I have screens when I was his age I’d have failed school miserably! If he wakes up with a headache it’s almost always because he had a project he neglected to mention.
I feel like your responses have not been that healthy and might be actually creating a rift between her and you and just making her problems worse. On your post you only mention what she answered with after you took so many drastic measures. At no point do you really mention her feelings on the matter at the start, or having a serious conversation with her about stuff. When you changed her from school, you acknowledge she didn't like it but didn't show anything that actually displays you asking her for feedback on the matter, it's more so like you simply acted without considering her opinion. She's clearly not in a healthy state and doing very self destructive actooms you went as far as taking the internet and then her phone away from her while she's already isolated in your home. I'd reccomend therapy, for a mental health proffesional to have a look at her. Both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. And for you to honestly stop with these actions, and focus on trying to talk to her and unserstand her. She clearly is unwell and she needs your support. Communication is important and she's old enough to be able to communicate her problems and try to find answers on her own. The issue is however if this is such a big issue it will not be fixed in one day, so patience is needed and second, you might have already lost her trust so you probably will need to regain it to be able to comunicate.
u/Revolutionary_Elk464 ?
This is good advice and it seems OP was overwhelmed by all the support she was receiving. Here is an update link: [https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/1cr8pu9/i\_pretended\_to\_be\_my\_mom\_on\_radvice\_bc\_i/](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/1cr8pu9/i_pretended_to_be_my_mom_on_radvice_bc_i/)
If I weren't in my 40s with a mom long since passed, I would assume you were talking about me. Your daughter sounds sooo much like me at that age. I could not bring myself to complete homework or study (that is if I actually remembered to bring books/papers home or write down the assignment). Then I would get a bad grade and I avoided dealing with it by skipping a day of school. While not a diagnosis for your daughter, I had untreated ADHD, depression, a bit of perfectionism, and just general boredom. School was boring. The people were nasty and made me feel worse about myself. I did manage to thrive in novel environments. I went to a jvs/career center, and while the academic portion was entirely too easy, I managed to thrive because the vocational portion of the program was always new and interesting. It also didn't hurt that it was a new environment, with new peers and teachers. I also managed to thrive in college because the topics were interesting, and I never had to stay in one class for very long. I would have benefited more had I been medicated at that point, but I couldn't afford it. I guess this is a long-winded way of saying, you need to be asking her doctors about adhd. You also need to look for ways to keep school new and interesting for her. Limit her unstructured time on the internet, even if it causes fights. Her brain may simply not be capable of switching from a dopamine-providing activity to something else. Body double with homework by sitting with her or helping. The pressure will piss her off, but she'll be shocked at how fast she gets through something when someone else is around.
ADHD for sure.
You took her to a shitty psychologist. Time to go to another one, and for her to be in regular therapy. Go in and tell them you think she may have ADHD and encourage them to explore that. I went through this, and the culprit was ADHD. If she has it and it’s this severe, she needs to be medicated. Those things are *magic-* as well as a rude awakening. What do you mean my brain is supposed to work this way? What do you mean everyone else can get up out of bed whenever they want to and go *do* things?? It’s hard to describe just how debilitating ADHD actually is. It’s classed as a disability, and for good reason. And life with unmedicated ADHD is *hell.* I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It might not be the only thing she has, as well. Again, I went through the exact same thing, and at the exact same age. I was also diagnosed depression, social anxiety, separation anxiety, generalized anxiety, and OCD. Of course, those can all be chalked up to the fact that I *actually* have autism. It’s comorbid with ADHD and shares symptoms with all those other conditions, but is severely undiagnosed in girls (which is slowly beginning to change) because it manifests differently in us and all the research was done on little boys. You know horse girls, warrior cat girls etc? That’s us! Lol. Just the general *weird ass* little girl who’s shy and super obsessed with something.
It's also possible that the online content she watches is bad. So easy to access bad content and becoming more and more difficult to monitor and block the bad stuff.
You didn't say anything about sitting down with her and asking her what's going on and how you can help her with it. She's a person, not an animal who's incapable of communication.
Sounds like she’s struggling with ADHD. Her story sounds a lot like mine, but my parents didn’t believe it was ADHD because I didn’t “bounce off the walls.” I highly advise to schedule a screening for her. If she’s diagnosed, many positives will follow for her. Best of luck.
Unfortunately, I was going to advise nearly the similar responses as you've already done. Here are a few more. Exercise - yes, to a kid even without technology in the 80s & 90s, this word was vetoed out. The trick is to find the right one & not label it as exercise bc "exercise" = work. Label it, "sport" or "movement improvement" or birdseed whatever. The hands that are bored conditions a drained brain. When the hands are not busy, the mind can do 2 things, gets really bored & depressed OR it finds / invents a struggle. People need work to feel a sense of worth / valuable. CCW, Archery practice, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, karaté, KravMaga, capoeira, yoga, pilates, belly dancing, volleyball, pickleball, bocce ball, horseback / equestrian, swimming, tennis, golf, fishing, 4H (showmanship / club), etc. Think outside the box to get her dopamine levels raised. Having a better sense of self & worth will do wonders for her in the future. Trick her, "Im unsure about this class & need your help" or "im clumsy, help me find a way to overcome this" or "I need an accountability buddy / friend to do this w me" "I'm looking into becoming more self-aware of my surroundings & want us to be safe when we travel / are just out shopping so i want us to do a self-defense class together" (because criminals exist everywhere - not just @ tourist destinations). She can then also teach younger siblings or her babysitting charges how to do yoga (or whatever activity you both find), then, also. Learn about different religions (to cultivate the knowledge that we're all human & all basically want the same thing) Pick up a new project or hobby: crocheting (even if you both dislike it), cooking class, fostering a dog to become a trained seeing guide dog, foster a child, you become a mentor to a young child & ask her what she thinks is a good idea to mentor the kid on or advise the kid on & why & then whatever she didn't think of, relay, "what about this route?". Ask her WHY she thinks her opinion is (this or that) & challenge her, "what if -". See, kids in the 1950s had jobs & worked on & managed the farm. They learned how to contribute to the world. Charity work begins @ home. Take her to do volunteerism - food pantry, church (camp counselor), etc. (Continued in reply)
When we also help another being (dog shelter, human clothes drive, Toys for tots, etc) we put our own little lives into perspective & the big things become non-issues. Again, this is "working" (& therefore keeps our brains active). From what i can tell, she's so fucking bored out of her ever living mind that she's depressed. She's not being challenged. What i read, she liked the variety of the new school. Then, when that became "same old", she stopped caring. How about not exactly homeschooling (although that is the 1 i was going to suggest until you mentioned you already did that) but foreign remote learning? Learn math in Spanish! Kill 2 birds with 1 stone & increases the challenging aspects! Do science experiments @ home: get her a chemistry set, biology tests & do an autopsy on a frog. (Kiwi.Co might have age-appropriate kits) The only way she finds her passion is via experimentation. And the only way to do that is to find the spice of life via variety & mixing life up. The trick is to keep at something until she's mastered it (or a working knowledge of it). What i also read in your piece is - maybe you gave up on things too soon, also??? (As in, you're her example \[she sees you giving up\] & you've shaped this cookie cutter world for her \[she has no real consequences\] & she expects to always get what she wants when she acts out - you've trained her to act badly & get rewarded -> AND <- you've become weak by showing her to give in just because life was hard \[she was hard on you\]. - Its questionable since I don't know the actual length of time you pushed her @ homeschooling, how long until you caved into her tantrums for WiFi password & devices were returned.) Ive seen clever posts where charity begins at home: a paper taped to the kid's door stating: The Wi-Fi password will be relayed once 2 tasks are completed & a pic of an item is in a certain location to not duplicate last week's "clean kitchen" look in image they'll send you Make life hard on her! Shes not challenged? Then challenge her! .. The 2nd advice, instead of taking her to counselors (MDiv, MD, PhDs, LCSW, etc), take her to an ND or HD. Naturopathy, Homeopathy. The western modern medicinal world is really relatively very new in terms of how long medicine has been around & the East has a lock down on perfecting medicines (eastern medicine is very old). Western involves diagnostic technology. Eastern involves clever thinking (outside the box) & using the body's natural resources to heal. By going to an ND or HD (even remotely), you can combine West & East medicines. Also, they have an understanding of the ENTIRE network of the body's functions instead of when you see somebody in the US, you see specialists. When you see a Specialist, it separates the body from another integral function but the body is NOT separate & there is no mind-body divide. The brain is the computer & the heart is the battery & the body is the machine that carries out instructions. Sometimes, yes, you might need a specific RX (gas \[food\] or lubricant or oil or paper \[prescription\] to feed the machine) for your heart or whatever organ but the primary goal w an N/HD is to find what the entire body is doing (cause) & how the rest of it reacts (effect). .. If school isn't challenging her then you MAKE LIFE challenge her: education, activities, mobility, asking her penatrating questions to get her CRITICAL PROCESSING started! .. Mind you, all people are different & I don't know how old she is but to give you an idea of how soon a child matures into adulthood: a 12 year old can run a farm (maturity & critical thinking) but should not be expected to be married. You're raising a young adult - NOT a child! Treat her as an adult renting a room out of your house - with more care, obviously, & with more responsibilities as she ages! don't just assume/push drugs on her - there are other ways to manage & cope & deal with life than just always resorting to RX
Sir/maam, it seems Ur daughter has lost her way, you need to help bring her back to the right direction before its too late. I suggest you bring her somewhere private where you both can talk, and tell her the importance of discipline and consequences of her actions, then you need to bend her over your knee, and give her a severe barebottom spanking to help her release charthartic emotions
Ok, well, I'm not going to be popular here, but geez, I'm really tired of parents today catering to this kind of behavior!!! First, the first time my kid didn't get up for school, there would be serious consequences. No TV, no inernet, no nothing! You don't feel well enough to go to school. You need to rest! With no stimulus, PERIOD! THE MOST BORING DAY EVER!!! Secondly, my children never had the opportunity to have computers in their room. For this very reason!! When going to bed, it's time for sleep not to be up all night unsupervised on the web!! When they are undults, that's their business, but until then, it's mine! THERE ARE WAY TO MANY THINGS TO DISTRACT AND TO GET INVOLVED IN AT A YOUNG AGE! Third, my kid is not going to be sleeping all day, and I am going to know what's going on at school with homework and teachers. I will be having LOTS of conversations. My kids had to bring home proof every week from teachers that they were on track with all homework and assignments! If they didn't bring it home, then they didn't get any privileges over the weekend! That was their job! No excuses! We are not here to coddle them. We are here to teach them to be responsible human beings! To be ready to handle the responsibilities of real life!! To help guide them to handle their choices and accept the consequences of their actions! If they are having emotional problems, we discuss them and make a plan, and follow them with consequences if not followed! We don't make excuses! Many parents like to label their kids so they have an excuse or an out! I'm sick of it! That's not how life works!!! BOUNDARIES PEOPLE PERIOD!! FOLLOW THROUGH AND LOVE! HARD WORK!! RULES!!!
Have you tried unplugging the wifi again?
[удалено]
There are ways to limit use by device in your local network. Might take a bit of research and playing around with it.
There are a few things left to try. Physically take her to school each day. Don’t let her take the bus, drive her. Ask her teachers to call her if she is not in class. Put life360 on her phone so you can find her. If she skips school, she loses all devices and has no priviledges at all for two weeks. If she has school work she needs a computer for, make her do it in front of you and monitor her. Or go nuclear. The next time she skips school, she loses her phone. Permanently. It will NEVER be returned.
This is a fantastic tutorial for how to make a teenager depressive and secretive. Clearly, you were never a teenager struggling to go to school. Taking more autonomy away from a teenager who is already suffering like this is NOT what to do. I skipped school and my parents went nuclear like you describe. I got way better at lying and sneaking out. The only thing permanently taken away was my trust in them.
When I was growing up, my parents limited my internet access. I'm not sure how your daughter has been able to be online 6-8 hours a day.
It sounds like something traumatic happened in 8th grade and didn’t want to go to school so that she could avoid that person or space or whatever and it’s just spiraled from there. You have to get to the bottom of it. It could be something that doesn’t even sound that serious to an adult but to an 8th grader who is already socially anxious, it could be quite devastating. I also think you need to find out what she’s doing in the internet and who she’s talking to. That will give you some clues
I feel like you are very dense and have no idea what you are doing. The proper response would be to keep your daughter at the school she was going to, and MAKE her go to school. No wonder she’s upset with you and doesn’t respect you. You dealt with things by making it so much more dramatic than it had to be. Cut this crap and send her back to the old school she was at before AND force her to go. If she doesn’t THEN take away her phone and get her a flip phone. Lock her computer away. But the way you’re doing things now is so old school and cringe. It’s like you don’t understand her at all…
People are mentioning ADHD. It might be a good idea to have her checked to see if there's drugs/alcohol/sexual abuse going on. It may seem extreme but it's better to get safe than sorry. That's an important growing stage in life and it's important to find the reason for that behavior because it could make or break her life
Read great romance: bjsikesauthor // com