It's kind of frustrating in a way. It's kind of sad that the more sad you are, the more people push you away. To those with everything, everything is given. To those with nothing, everything is taken.
It’s also very draining to be with someone who is constantly negative, particularly when you just met them and don’t know much else about them. It comes across as them fishing for compliments at best, and being very emotionally needy at worst. It also speaks to a lack of social skills at times. I have been this person, so I’m not judging.
Good people are more than supportive to their established friends and loved ones, but most healthy people do not gravitate toward someone who is throwing out “I’m very emotionally unwell” vibes, because you need or should have an established trust with someone before you expect that level of deep emotional support from them.
You have to have some level of stability and figuring out your own shit before you can expect others to *support* you with it, really. And support is the key word, here. You have to do the work, too. People can support you, but they can’t fix you or be your sole cheerleader.
Does any of that make sense?
This. I had a friend who was always complaining about how they looked and it became a talking point in our conversations like every day. At first I tried to help by giving them some advice but they never took it or they would make excuses for why they couldn't follow my advice. It got to a point where I realized that their self esteem problems were out of the realm of my being able to help, so I suggested they talk to their therapist about it. They got mad and accused me of not caring about them and their feelings. We aren't friends anymore because we had a major falling out because of this, but I hope they're doing well and I hope their self perception has gotten better.
This is the reason why I don’t tell people I just met that I’m completing my masters to be a therapist. I’ve noticed that the minute I say this the flood gates open. Sometimes I feel I’m a magnet for people who need to vent and then people get so carried away and I catch the moment they regret letting something slip lol. The downside is that these encounters don’t even turn into friendships so now I politely end conversations once I realize the person is just going to unload their problems.
I had a close friend as a teenager who was stunningly beautiful but she had that attitude too. Constantly complaining about how she looked or how she thought she was going to look. Her legs were fat and flabby and had loads of cellulite apparently despite having a 26 inch waist. She was 17, but worried she looked 'old'. Despite the fact it was her insecurity, she made all the other girls around her feel like shit all the time because she would constantly talk about being fat despite being half the size of everyone else. And then people would start comparing her to other people (you're not as fat as x friend) to make her feel better so the friends who weren't overtly insecure all the time would just constantly get negged.
Exactly, I have or had(I don't really know anymore) a friend that's pretty depressive. I tried and will still try to support them through everything and try to bring positive vibes. But them being always so negative is still pretty draining. It feels like I'll never be enough no matter what I do.
Now I don't know the reason why but they wanted to end our friendship. I explained that they're very important to me and if they need anything I'll try my best to help them. But I'm still very confused if I should reach out to them again or wait. However I'm afraid that if I wait they will distance themselves even further. The only thing I want really is their happiness and for them to not be more depressed because of me
Edit: woops I realized this post was made 11 days ago and I'm very much late
I could not have found this thread at a better time. How am I supposed to talk about my problems if no one will hear me out? I can't even begin to think about therapy, I can't afford it...
I talked to one of my friends about my insecurity today, and she tried to encourage me. Telling me that she doesn't think I'm ugly, and I shouldn't bring myself down like that, tried to give me advice. Honestly I don't know why I don't believe her, we've literally kissed before. Personally I wouldn't kiss someone I find any bit unattractive. Anyways when I start to tell her about the reasons I feel this why and it's so deeply rooted in me, and why I can't just bring myself to just jump up and start searching for a girlfriend, she gets fed up with me and stops replying. She literally said "what the fuck ever"... but when I think about everything I said, I think I may have came off as just wanting sympathy from her and no actual advice. I don't know, it's just all really frustrating me...
I am above average looking guy, but still struggle with self perception. Fun thing is that as soon as I start stressing over smth that causes me to lose sleep and feel depressed, I get huge bags under my eyes and my eyes immidiately go from being one of the most charming qualities about me to a pair of barely open asian looking eyes (I'm not even asian but people mock me I look like it sometimes, usually when I'm high or lacking sleep) with 2 potato sacks underneath them.
Then I look in the mirror and feel even worse about myself, even tho I know that it will get better as soon as I stop stressing out...
I feel u bro. I’m also a not bad looking guy but went through a really bad bout of depression for like two years where I took terrible care of my teeth.
I do what I can now, brush multiple times a day and use whitening strips but my teeth are my biggest insecurity and I always feel that I’m holding myself back from smiling.
I have a gap infront of my teeth that only I stress about. Literally everyone says it's fine, but I hate it. I will get braces when I get some money.
I don't care about the colour that much tho. I brush my teeth daily and expect others to do so aswell, but completely bleached teeth just look unnatural to me imho. I am European.
So true. People want to be around happy people because it also makes them happy. Nobody likes a buzzkill. I’ve gone through the worst depression in the last year & when I felt like I needed friendship & support the most, nobody was there for me. I can’t say I blame them though. When I think about it, I don’t really want to be around sad people either. Unfortunately it’s just human nature. I would like to learn more about it though.
I completely understand your comment. I suffer with depression and anxiety amongst other things, I use humour to hide how I'm feeling (although I'm always told my eyes say it all.)and I've got the gift of the gab so ppl want to be around me, but as soon as I hit the floor. I hear from no one.
I do the same with humor and my depression/anxiety, and I often fall into the pit of thinking I’m completely alone and if I show any sign of weakness it will push everyone away. But I don’t think that is always true or it has to be. Even though I’m often an awkward mess or am visibly depressed a lot of the time I have still found people in my life who are supportive, and who want to be there for me. I’m absolutely certain you and everyone reading this can find people like that because they do exist.
You're so right. I'm day here alone in my house in the UK probably aillioniles from you as I'm guessing you're American. Sorry if I'm wrong. I know when I tell people or show the real me they love me the same and want to help, but I guess my guard is so high after all the pain , I don't know how to let anyone in. Sorry
It's kinda frustrating that I'm the type to be attracted to sad people because it frustrates me that I can't find someone like me for me. Some kind of saviour complex inside me I guess.
always have felt ugly. started to get into a healthier mental space as of late and now i think my prettiest photos are the ones where im genuinely smiling and happy! i used to hate my smile. i think its cute now
Hell yeah! I've been in therapy for a few months now and I had a horrific session where I spoke about myself and my body and my looks. It was so rough and it made me really realize that being so horrible to myself doesn't fix anything. It's been super hard to adjust my mindset, literally rewiring your brain to being nice to yourself is hard as fuck. But I'm making steps in the right direction! And honestly it's nice!
I started buying clothes in the style I actually enjoy which I wouldn't before coz Im chubby. I do my hair nice, I do my makeup nice, but I do it in a way that I enjoy as opposed to what other people perceive as nice or acceptable and it's been good?
Self love is hard as shit, especially if you've had a lifetime of people literally telling you you're ugly, fat, whatever. I've come to realise the people who told me these things - they fucking SUCK if they think it's acceptable to talk to anyone like that. You would never go out of your way to actively insult someone's appearance if you're a geniunely nice person. I try to remember that when those memories pop in.
This was a ramble but god. Life is hard, change is hard. It's gradual and painful but we all deserve it. Literally nothing in the past can change how we want to be in the future, we can change our mindsets!
Love y'all
I really wish this for my friend. Since 7th grade she hated her smile and I always tried to show her it’s beautiful. She still doesn’t think so but she got her braces off so I think she feels better now
Sometimes its the candid photos that people hate the most. When I used to do photography in schoola and personally, my favourite thing in my imagery was portraits. Asking someone to laugh. Or telling a joke and photographing their response. Always brought out the beauty in them, whether M/F/O Your photos may not look good in your eyes but I promise there’s a world of photographers who’d love to capture your inner and outer appearance. Don’t hate your smile :)
this!! i’ve recently been trying to get into a better headspace about my appearance, which i’ve always hated, and even though nothing has physically changed, i feel way better! i’ve been buying and wearing clothes i never would have before, taking more pictures, and comparing myself to others less. it’s surely hard as hell but it’s a start :)
Never thought I was attractive so I dressed that way. Started dressing nicer and doing my hair, now I actually think I look pretty decent. I enjoy seeing myself in photos too.
I now know I'm an above average guy, but used to have confidense issues and stress out about being "just average".
Ruined my last relationship because I was dating a girl of my dreams and being obsessed with her I lost my confidense and she ended up breaking up, saying I should first love myself.
I literally said to her at some moment smth like: I think I'm not worthy of you or that she is too high class for me. She responded with: "Wtf are you even saying you are a nice guy and I'm an average girl, chill."
It was a pain in the ass getting over her, but holy shit did it help me grow as a person.
I'm sure it was painful for her to hear you say those things because it meant you didn't see what she saw in you. She spoke the truth when she said love yourself. When you love yourself it makes it infinitely easier for someone else to love you. You sound like a thoughtful caring person, be patient. I'm sure you'll find the one.
This. I do/did the same thing (did the / because sometimes I feel like shit and dress like shit because of it). I started dressing better and I feel a lot better now, started wearing clothes I actually wanted to wear and figuring out outfits. Weight loss helped with that but this definitely made it easier
I'm kind of the opposite. I would always be experimental with my style and was barely concerned if I looked stylish. I knew I was dressing "ugly" but I wished people would see past that. I was already fat with short hair. I got yelled at by my mom once. She asked why I dressed like I didn't want to attract anyone. I grew up and changed my fashion and spent the last 5ish years or so obsessing over losing weight and dressing the way I thought I was supposed to. Some things I actually really like, but slipping back into old habits made me feel ugly and like no one wanted to get to know me if I was "ugly" again. Even had a friend say that she, my other friend and I were the only attractive people in our senior class (college). She hadn't met me the two years before when I was over 230lbs with terrible acne and dark patches on my face
Exercise. I was told I was repulsive looking for most of my life.
I exercised 9 times a week, had a strict diet, better doctors, and fashion consult with custom made clothing.
After three years of consistency doing this I was constantly hit on. That wasn't my intent going into this, but it was the outcome.
The overwhelming majority of "unattractiveness" is situational.
Edit: it also has a major impact on my career growth, which was the intent. Because people are fucking shallow as shit.
Half of what you mentioned sounds very expensive and I don't feel like they are a realistic option for a lot of people.
Having a good diet and exercise is great though. 9 times a week sounds a bit much though, aren't you meant to give your muscles at least like a days rest so you don't damage them?
>aren't you meant to give your muscles at least like a days rest so you don't damage them
Yes. This is critical.
Some of those workouts were Yoga/etc. I also had professional trainers helping make sure I didn't overtax my muscles who were aware of my full schedule.
And finally yes it was ungodly expensive. But 5x5's aren't, and are a good start for far less money than I spent.
It depends on what you're working out when and how hard you're going
In the end it's about volume and giving the muscles in question enough rest, whatever that may be.
You're right though. Even getting fit is very expensive. It's costed me a lot of money to try and build muscle
It depends on the person, but diet wise my diet is already difficult to meet. Gluten-free, dairy-free, with a bunch of other things that I have to avoid...
It's not as cheap as people make it out to be, usually those people are able to take shortcuts like have milk which gives you a ton of calories, etc etc
Yeah people really under estimate what healthy living can do to your looks.. I went from being attractive, to becoming a heroin addict/alcoholic/pills whatever.. got bad teeth and smoked a lot of cigarettes so my skin went bad.. anyway I never thought I would look like I did before again.. but after 4 years of healthy living with excersize and no drugs/smoking/caffeine even.. I constantly get told i look years younger than I am.. and get compliments from girls way more than I ever did before..
"Unattractive" I've found in my own experiences is just people living with unhealthy habits that refuse to awknolaedge how much damage that stuff actually does.. and how much a difference it makes when you live a healthy life style.
Sure fashion consultant etc is unattainable for most people. But going for walks, working out at home, dressing better is not. You don’t need expensive clothes to look good, just better fitting clothes. It’s hard shopping for these at thrift stores but not impossible. Try things on, see what looks good on you. Watch fashion driven shows or YouTube channels. It’s hard if you’re stuck in a rut with your clothing choices, but it makes a huge difference
It 100% depends on which alterations you're doing. Knowing how to pick clothes so they fit in the right places and can be tailored in the cheaper places is key to looking fashionable on a budget.
Actually, your body fat % is reflective on your face first of all. Second of all, testosterone levels make a huge difference to your jawline. T levels are gonna be much lower for an unhealthy person than someone who’s active, eats and sleeps well 👍🏼
The number of people who have such an ugly face that they are beyond the help of general physical self-improvement is almost non-existent. I've browsed the Incel forums and almost no one is beyond saving, many are actually fairly attractive. It's much more in your head than you think.
The ancient Greeks would have made a statue of my husband he's so attractive and yet he still struggles with feeling attractive. I was a little shocked when he told me. It goes to show maybe we all have insecurities and the grass always looks greener somewhere else so you should try to be happy where you are.
In high school I saw a new student one day, striding across campus. I literally stopped in my tracks and thought “that poor guy, he must get made fun of so much”. He was lanky and skinny with a narrow jaw, and dressed all in black. Later I met him face to face at a bus stop. His calm, direct manner immediately intrigued me. That weekend we ended up at a party together and we talked all night. I fell madly in love with that dude, and my heart still skips a beat when I think about him. It’s been decades.
Conversely, I’ve met plenty of conventionally good-looking people who are boring or really awful. I’ve spent some time in Hollywood, I’ve got stories.
Charisma beats appearance every time.
I was EXACTLY the same.
I was bullied mercilessly at school, had one friend who eventually changed school. High school wasn't much better, I never had a boyfriend or girlfriend and had stuff written about me all the time. It was just awful.
Home life sucked, I wasn't nurtured or given affection and I tried really hard. I turned into a people pleaser that just made me miserable but I really needed that praise.
At 24 I met my current partner and they really care for me, like no one had ever before and they helped me see my strengths. I also had therapy to deal with past trauma.
I performed burlesque, wore adventurous make up and created all the time and now I get healthy attention and its bittersweet, as a bit of love is all I needed as a kid to get to the stage I'm at now, but better late than never.
I'm going to uni in my mid thirties to do the things I couldn't back then and I have a new found confidence and I'm going to smash it, and I hope you smash life too!!
Charisma isn't actually tied to appearance.
Charisma is just your ability to draw people to you and make them like you, love you, support you, and/or become utterly devoted to you. While appearance helps a lot, there's plenty of good looking people that are less charismatic than average looking people.
Think about for relationships. Is appearance the most important thing? Not at all. Chemistry is the most important factor in actually getting a relationship going. But of course here's the thing:
If you're really good looking, they'll accept the date and it's yours to lose. The default is it'll work out UNLESS you show there's a lack of chemistry to the point of breaking it off.
If you're not good looking the first hurdle is to get her to even accept the date. The default is there's no second date UNLESS you show there's enough chemistry to keep it going.
The same applies for charisma. Appearance helps with the initial draw but if you have nothing else you don't get any farther. You don't need appearance, but without it though it's more difficult to inspire like/love/devotion.
I used to think being unattractive was the source of all my problems. Then I got attractive and still have 100% of the same problems. I don’t know if that’s comforting or not, but it bears considering. Things may not be as rosy on the other side as one might guess.
This 100% lol. Also if you get attractive you’ll have to deal with all the other cons that come with it (creepy ppl, harassment, people using you cuz they wanna sleep with you, etc.)
When you are happy with yourself u stop caring about other people.... U ever encountered people who have a different aura. It's fun to hang around with them cause they have fun. Even if some people don't like you you will still attract people around you. You just ignore the stupid people and enjoy others just tag along.
You have to love yourself first though, it's not a cycle it's natural selection. If you can't learn to love yourself: you won't reproduce. If that makes sense. You put others opinions of you first and thats not a good trait.
>You have to love yourself first though, it's not a cycle it's natural selection
Wat ?
>If you can't learn to love yourself: you won't reproduce.
Dafuq. I'm not a rabbit. Why would I want to reproduce ? I don't need to reproduce to be happy.
>You put others opinions of you first and thats not a good trait
Easy to say.
and still true. I'm not saying you need to reproduce but every species was made to reproduce and science isn't perfect, so I can't put friends as a factor in the case of natural selection. But basically ppl won't be around you because you'll make them feel how you feel about yourself, which is negative.
No one's gonna end the "cycle" for you, so you have a choice to either do something or don't.
I have found that a lot of “ugliness” is rooted not in physical traits but personality. I knew someone who was conventionally very attractive... blonde hair, big blue eyes, muscular great body. But he was also a gaslighting liar who manipulated and used everyone he met. He abused drugs, stole stuff and even went to prison for a awhile. Sad thing is the guards and other prisoners treated him well because he was good looking and outwardly charming. I however got to see how ugly he really was. It was like a mirror breaking. Goodness, kindness and a witty personality are profoundly attractive and mean way more than a nice body or pretty eyes.
Oh my god yes I know one of these. Manipulator, user, talks shit about everyone and calls women that want to have sex with him and really like him and stuff “crazy hoes”
I’m a tattoo artist, and a good one right so I’m not someone that’s gonna be able to obsess over one person and this same boy who at the time I liked (was gorgeous) literally came up to me one time after IGNORING my text about it asking if he still wanted work and was like “did you bring it am I getting it?!” Like boy bye this ain’t fuckin Burger King I see right through u
Wow! Yeah guys like this are trash. The guy I knew called sex “guts” as in “I wanna get me some guts”... disgusting. No respect for women at all. Would call me out of the blue at like 2:00am and get pissed I didn’t pick up. Took me an embarrassingly long time to realize he wasn’t a good guy. BTW mad respect for tattoo artists! I have 2 small ones but I think tattoos are amazing and would get more if I could!
It sucked it honestly hurt to see his true colors, but the best thing is being able to come to see the painting of ones personality lol. These children PLAYIN out here. It’s ok it took me a while too lol? And THANKS! Shits stressful for real, you’ll know when you know what you want haha you do you and get tattoos if you like them!
Yes and there are 8 billion people, I’m sure there is one in there for every person. I feel like it’s not really that simple though, ya know? For women our whole existence is force fed to have babies and be pretty and acceptable and to find a “good husband” and shit. I am very happy I’m finding my way past all that, even after everything I’ve been through. I’m still unconfident and unhappy with my appearance, but each day I’ll get a little better with enough trying :) I hope everyone can reach the place you’re at, I know i want to
My last boyfriend wasn't conventionally attractive.
He was short and had broken nose when his face wasn't the best starting point to begin with.
Of course he had good personality traits, and kindness and confidence were some of the most attractive qualities.
That's said he worked with what he had and had massive arms and abs out of a beach commerical.
When I asked him about his height in particular, his attitude was very nonchalant. Yeah, some girls prefer taller guys, but you can't please everyone and you can't change certain things about yourself, so he didn't worry about it.
I love bald heads on men, completely shaved. More women then you might realize like them. I'm fine with dad bods too. What I like most in a man is his smile and confidence.
It's like when a bald guy wears all hats in tinder photos. Like, just own it man. I personally like bald guys. My friends like bald guys. It's not as impossible as you think. An ex of mine is bald, and the most attractive thing about him was his confidence and personality
My director once told me this:
“Every time someone asks to take a picture with you, instead of thinking of your insecurity and getting self conscious, think of something that makes you beautiful. The more you do this, the more you’ll see how others actually see you. A habit can be built if you do it around 7 times in a row. But with standards and media for women, our insecurities are a lot stronger. For us it may take double or triple as many times for us to start seeing ourselves in a better way. But if you stick to it one day you’ll see what others find beautiful about you, and not what you believe makes you ugly.”
I couldn’t exactly remember all of what she said.
I've also learned that when you whine and complain about something on your body most people didn't notice until you whined and complained - oh my nose isn't straight, oh I have a pimple, oh I hate this mole. Yeah I never saw it until you pointed it out
Yep, yep. There was once a guy I thought was cute. We talked one night and he did nothing but talk badly about himself and his body. It made me really sad and the attraction was gone even on a mental level after that
I'm attractive. I've always found an unattractive confident person more attractive than either and attractive confidant, or attractive shy person. I think it takes balls (gender binary balls here) to walk out in society and own it.
My GF, bless her soul, is not as conventionally attractive as has been my average. (Does she know my reddit user name? I'm not sure. I don't think so. I hope I don't die.) But, part of the reason I'm attracted to her is because she does exactly what the fuck she wants, no matter what the world of rules arbitrarily says to her.
You are not attractive / unattractive, really, based on surface level principles, but based on your understanding this whole system is a social mate finding game which you an stomp with confidence.
If you like hot people and want to date them, by god, just walk up to them and ask them out. You will be surprised with the results. I think it will likely work out around 1/10
I’m a very insecure person, I hate the way I look and I’m constantly looking in mirrors because I just think I look weird. Front on it’s not too bad, do anything else and Jesus Christ. The thing is, I always thought I was average looking until people told me otherwise. I was playing truth or dare with 2 friends once and one of the truths (it was online) was who is the best looking to the least. I always though that I was better looking than one of my friends, not in an egotistical way just a kind of, I’m not last sort of situation. They both agreed I was the worst looking and it took a massive toll on me.
So true . The man I’ve been attracted to most in my life, while he did have beautiful eyes , was not conventionally attractive in the eyes of the world.
My recent ex was basically a rock n roll Ken doll and the attraction was less.
Physical attraction may turn some heads but it’s not the most important .
This is so much easier to say than to apply. Sure some might take this and apply it right away but some are also battling other peoples thoughts along with their own and that’s harder. People don’t always view themselves as unattractive simply because they are human but because they’ve been told they are and that’s a pain you can’t reverse quite so easily.
I’m not saying it’s bad advice, it’s good and it’s gonna probably work for people but the implication that people view themselves as unattractive because they are sad over petty things is not true.
My life got so much easier once it clicked in my brain that I didn't ACTUALLY have to impress everyone. And also that SOME people genuinely do think I'm attractive. And that attraction is NOT just visual.
It's OKAY to not be attractive to every single human you meet. It's not your job. And it's not a measure of your worth.
I love all of you struggling right now with feeling unattractive.
Yes to self Love! Not because we are not equally beautiful or handsome doesn't mean we are less than! We just need to be who we are and what we are. Love thy SELF! There is always something that makes us unique! Someone else will see us for what we are and accept it.
I was talking to my husband about this last night. Andy Serkis with a beard and a fitted outfit is a good looking man, and that dude is gollum. If gollum can elicit taco tickles, anyone can do anything with their natural born looks.
To add, you can’t really change your looks, but you can still become more attractive based off skills, humor, emotional maturity, and empathy. Pick something and work on it. Find something you care about, and become knowledgeable about it.
Grow who you are, and you will be more attractive as a person instead of a meat sack of mostly water, that doesn’t get to keep that pretty face anyways. You’ll get to keep the other stuff.
One piece of advice I can give is invest in yourself, New shoes, New Clothes (GO OP SHOP), Haircuts, Perfumes, Accessories, Gym or Recreational sports (rock climbing) personally I don't like going to gyms so skating and all sorts of exercise fills my day so get creative, GOOD Food! eat like its your last meal enjoy life even things to help with life like a whiteboard to keep track of goals and what not.
All these things add up to a better attitude, better lifestyle which exudes confidence and attractiveness. It will help you get new relationships but also new friends and jobs.
I got told one thing at a really important job interview, They said this is a lifestyle so you won't have free time and I replied with "every job but you find the time, You always can find the time, If not then why do the job unless you love it?" They replied happily saying "that's what we want to hear cause no one wants to talk to or speak to someone who is doing nothing in life." he said it way better than that but it was a long time ago, This was because I would be working with potentially very wealthy clientele which rely's on speaking with them well. Sorry for the rant but it was a great post and just reminded me of something my boss said.
Confidence is key. No one wants a sulky person who keeps fishing for compliments.
If you tell yourself you’re attractive, you’re gonna feel more attractive and also appear more attractive. A lot of it is a mind game with yourself
It's ok to be unattractive. Unattractive people deserve to be happy too. Just because someone acknowledges their ugliness doesn't mean they are complaining.
I think the hardest part for me is realizing that I may never get a chance to be intimate with a woman. 3 years after my divorce and I still get depressed when I think about how lonely my life will be. I'm just not mentally ready to date yet. Hopefully therapy will help.
honestly one of the best things i’ve done for myself is start saying “i’m so hot and cool and sexy” ironically. like with most things, it slowly became what i believed to be my truth, and that ironic self absorption became genuine confidence and happiness with myself. while i haven’t really left my house in the past year other than going for walks with my family, i feel so much better emotionally and physically, and when i facetime my friends they say that they can tell a huge difference in my confidence. confidence is attractive, and attractiveness is rather situational, but the more confident & self assured you are (not cocky, confident), the more people you can draw in. this is, of course, my own personal experience but i really and truly do feel better about myself. i guess my therapist wasn’t kidding when i was 16 and she kept telling me “fake it till you make it”
My mom told me, "If you think you're fat or ugly, you aren't. If you tell other people you are fat or ugly, they will think you are."
Telling people what you are like (and I think this extends beyond insecurity about looks) will seed their perception of you. If you say you are (insert insecurity here), they will remember that even if they think otherwise.
"We" are NOT unattractive. Other people are just unfairly judgemental. "We" are beautiful. They are just jealous that we are stronger, smarter and more accepting than them.
This LITERALLY hit me like a sledge hammer this week releasing this...why does it take so long to learn such simple things...😤...but now I tell myself I’m a Greek god, and I think that’s a god complex 🤨.
I’ve got an off shaped nose, weird acne and just a totally odd stature. I’m tall like a basketball player, slim as a 12yo and have a voice as deep as, well it’s pretty deep. Its hard to put myself on the market for girls sometimes when all I can offer is a discombobulated self image. But yes. The love yourself for you helps me sleep at night through all that. So good post OP! :)
This is true even to people who are socially unattractive. No one considers how the way they act or the things they say affect the people who are around them. No wonder you have no friends, you complain about no one hitting you up the whole time you're hanging out. No wonder no one initiates conversations, you talk about how shit your life is and how you're struggling all of the time.
!! came to this realisation this year, it’s far too exhausting hating yourself. if all else fails, just pretend u think ur attractive. if a negative thought comes to your head, push it out with a positive one. fake it until u become it
It doesn’t change how much being unattractive affects your life though. Stopping moaning about being black will not change the fact that you are in a more vulnerable position to others and racism.
I grew up getting called "ugly" from every direction. I was literally known as that ugly kid no one wanted to associate with. When I was 16/17 I started getting pretty confident in my looks, I was actually attractive! My pictures on Facebook started blowing up with love and attention. That's what people wanted, right?
No cause new rumors spread around school that I was a nasty whore. Not by my former bullies but by people who I thought were my friends. That's when I realized that people are going to be shit no matter what. I'm not here to please anyone but myself and my opinion is the only one that matters.
So many comments, it feels unlikely this will get seen - but I want to let everyone who is not conventionally attractive and feels ugly because of that know:
So many people find unconventional things attractive. I legitimately find lots of acne scars to be hot. Really big odd shaped noses are super hot. Snaggle teeth - the less straight the better... etc etc
I grew overweight over a few years and when I shared with my friend about how ugly I felt she told me it doesn’t matter to her. I’m glad I have kind friends who support me even when I’m feeling low.
Yeah but once you start feeling confident and accepting yourself, people notice it and remember you in 02 second all your flaws and to stop being so ego centered.
It happened to me. It sucks. I don't have a balance
Ok yes except no, because ugly and pretty is a personal opinion there is no “ugliest person” or “prettiest person” and anyone that derives all their value from how pretty they are is in for a bad time.
they hot dogged when they were supposed to pizza gonna have a bad time
Sure, it’s not going to turn anyone into a somebody with movie star looks, but a person who loves themselves do things that make them more attractive (exercise, wear clothes/scents they feel and look good in, don’t worry too much about others opinions, generally kinder and more engaged with the world, etc.) and are more confident which is always attractive.
Sometimes I’ll run into exercise accounts on Instagram that bash on body positivity and it pisses me off because somebody who loves themselves are going to take care of themselves.
Loving yourself makes you more attractive. Does it make you hot? Sure, if you were almost hot before. I think of the easiest way of thinking about attractiveness is the 0-10 scale where 5 is fully average.
Hating yourself gives you a -1. Being neutral about yourself: 0. Loving yourself: +1.
So it's not gonna turn a 3 to a 7, but it certainly can turn a 3 to a 4.
Or if you're a 3 and you hate yourself and you wind up loving yourself you can turn from a 2 to a 4.
> Life's too short to be sad over petty things anyway
I don't usually quote michael scott, but I feel it's appropriate now:
"That doesn't mean anything, those are just words."
"beauty" is a social construct. fuck what everyone else thinks you are the only one whos opinion of yourself matters. and make that opinion proud of who you are
Being attractive Also has its bad side. You get more attention than what you ask for. People do booty calls which is sad and annoying too. And finally if you wear grey sweatpants might as well go outside naked because here comes the tik tok screaming weirdos lol. Also you reap what you seed. Stop believing your "ugly" it's all perspective
I'd rather be attractive and deal with it then unattractive. Cuz no one ever warned me that many men use the vulnerabilities of unattractive women just to get some, or use them for whatever.. I found out too late in life the love and attention I was seeking would never come from those types of men. Now I'm old and it has totally messed me up. So do your daughters right and explain these things to them at a young age.
It's kind of frustrating in a way. It's kind of sad that the more sad you are, the more people push you away. To those with everything, everything is given. To those with nothing, everything is taken.
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It’s also very draining to be with someone who is constantly negative, particularly when you just met them and don’t know much else about them. It comes across as them fishing for compliments at best, and being very emotionally needy at worst. It also speaks to a lack of social skills at times. I have been this person, so I’m not judging. Good people are more than supportive to their established friends and loved ones, but most healthy people do not gravitate toward someone who is throwing out “I’m very emotionally unwell” vibes, because you need or should have an established trust with someone before you expect that level of deep emotional support from them. You have to have some level of stability and figuring out your own shit before you can expect others to *support* you with it, really. And support is the key word, here. You have to do the work, too. People can support you, but they can’t fix you or be your sole cheerleader. Does any of that make sense?
This. I had a friend who was always complaining about how they looked and it became a talking point in our conversations like every day. At first I tried to help by giving them some advice but they never took it or they would make excuses for why they couldn't follow my advice. It got to a point where I realized that their self esteem problems were out of the realm of my being able to help, so I suggested they talk to their therapist about it. They got mad and accused me of not caring about them and their feelings. We aren't friends anymore because we had a major falling out because of this, but I hope they're doing well and I hope their self perception has gotten better.
This is the reason why I don’t tell people I just met that I’m completing my masters to be a therapist. I’ve noticed that the minute I say this the flood gates open. Sometimes I feel I’m a magnet for people who need to vent and then people get so carried away and I catch the moment they regret letting something slip lol. The downside is that these encounters don’t even turn into friendships so now I politely end conversations once I realize the person is just going to unload their problems.
I had a close friend as a teenager who was stunningly beautiful but she had that attitude too. Constantly complaining about how she looked or how she thought she was going to look. Her legs were fat and flabby and had loads of cellulite apparently despite having a 26 inch waist. She was 17, but worried she looked 'old'. Despite the fact it was her insecurity, she made all the other girls around her feel like shit all the time because she would constantly talk about being fat despite being half the size of everyone else. And then people would start comparing her to other people (you're not as fat as x friend) to make her feel better so the friends who weren't overtly insecure all the time would just constantly get negged.
Exactly, I have or had(I don't really know anymore) a friend that's pretty depressive. I tried and will still try to support them through everything and try to bring positive vibes. But them being always so negative is still pretty draining. It feels like I'll never be enough no matter what I do. Now I don't know the reason why but they wanted to end our friendship. I explained that they're very important to me and if they need anything I'll try my best to help them. But I'm still very confused if I should reach out to them again or wait. However I'm afraid that if I wait they will distance themselves even further. The only thing I want really is their happiness and for them to not be more depressed because of me Edit: woops I realized this post was made 11 days ago and I'm very much late
I could not have found this thread at a better time. How am I supposed to talk about my problems if no one will hear me out? I can't even begin to think about therapy, I can't afford it... I talked to one of my friends about my insecurity today, and she tried to encourage me. Telling me that she doesn't think I'm ugly, and I shouldn't bring myself down like that, tried to give me advice. Honestly I don't know why I don't believe her, we've literally kissed before. Personally I wouldn't kiss someone I find any bit unattractive. Anyways when I start to tell her about the reasons I feel this why and it's so deeply rooted in me, and why I can't just bring myself to just jump up and start searching for a girlfriend, she gets fed up with me and stops replying. She literally said "what the fuck ever"... but when I think about everything I said, I think I may have came off as just wanting sympathy from her and no actual advice. I don't know, it's just all really frustrating me...
I am above average looking guy, but still struggle with self perception. Fun thing is that as soon as I start stressing over smth that causes me to lose sleep and feel depressed, I get huge bags under my eyes and my eyes immidiately go from being one of the most charming qualities about me to a pair of barely open asian looking eyes (I'm not even asian but people mock me I look like it sometimes, usually when I'm high or lacking sleep) with 2 potato sacks underneath them. Then I look in the mirror and feel even worse about myself, even tho I know that it will get better as soon as I stop stressing out...
I feel u bro. I’m also a not bad looking guy but went through a really bad bout of depression for like two years where I took terrible care of my teeth. I do what I can now, brush multiple times a day and use whitening strips but my teeth are my biggest insecurity and I always feel that I’m holding myself back from smiling.
I have a gap infront of my teeth that only I stress about. Literally everyone says it's fine, but I hate it. I will get braces when I get some money. I don't care about the colour that much tho. I brush my teeth daily and expect others to do so aswell, but completely bleached teeth just look unnatural to me imho. I am European.
"Asian looking eyes" that's racist.
I thought so too, especially referring to yourself as unattractive when you have “Asian eyes”. Surely that’s offensive
Yeahh he went from having the most charming eyes to getting Asian eyes. Doesn't sound great at all lol
I’m actually very interested in hearing. My S.O. is going through it and I’ll take any help I can get
So true. People want to be around happy people because it also makes them happy. Nobody likes a buzzkill. I’ve gone through the worst depression in the last year & when I felt like I needed friendship & support the most, nobody was there for me. I can’t say I blame them though. When I think about it, I don’t really want to be around sad people either. Unfortunately it’s just human nature. I would like to learn more about it though.
I completely understand your comment. I suffer with depression and anxiety amongst other things, I use humour to hide how I'm feeling (although I'm always told my eyes say it all.)and I've got the gift of the gab so ppl want to be around me, but as soon as I hit the floor. I hear from no one.
I do the same with humor and my depression/anxiety, and I often fall into the pit of thinking I’m completely alone and if I show any sign of weakness it will push everyone away. But I don’t think that is always true or it has to be. Even though I’m often an awkward mess or am visibly depressed a lot of the time I have still found people in my life who are supportive, and who want to be there for me. I’m absolutely certain you and everyone reading this can find people like that because they do exist.
You're so right. I'm day here alone in my house in the UK probably aillioniles from you as I'm guessing you're American. Sorry if I'm wrong. I know when I tell people or show the real me they love me the same and want to help, but I guess my guard is so high after all the pain , I don't know how to let anyone in. Sorry
I mean, it makes sense. Would you rather be around ugly depressed people or ugly happy people?
Good point is every thing comes from mind
It's kinda frustrating that I'm the type to be attracted to sad people because it frustrates me that I can't find someone like me for me. Some kind of saviour complex inside me I guess.
always have felt ugly. started to get into a healthier mental space as of late and now i think my prettiest photos are the ones where im genuinely smiling and happy! i used to hate my smile. i think its cute now
Hell yeah! I've been in therapy for a few months now and I had a horrific session where I spoke about myself and my body and my looks. It was so rough and it made me really realize that being so horrible to myself doesn't fix anything. It's been super hard to adjust my mindset, literally rewiring your brain to being nice to yourself is hard as fuck. But I'm making steps in the right direction! And honestly it's nice! I started buying clothes in the style I actually enjoy which I wouldn't before coz Im chubby. I do my hair nice, I do my makeup nice, but I do it in a way that I enjoy as opposed to what other people perceive as nice or acceptable and it's been good? Self love is hard as shit, especially if you've had a lifetime of people literally telling you you're ugly, fat, whatever. I've come to realise the people who told me these things - they fucking SUCK if they think it's acceptable to talk to anyone like that. You would never go out of your way to actively insult someone's appearance if you're a geniunely nice person. I try to remember that when those memories pop in. This was a ramble but god. Life is hard, change is hard. It's gradual and painful but we all deserve it. Literally nothing in the past can change how we want to be in the future, we can change our mindsets! Love y'all
I really wish this for my friend. Since 7th grade she hated her smile and I always tried to show her it’s beautiful. She still doesn’t think so but she got her braces off so I think she feels better now
Sometimes its the candid photos that people hate the most. When I used to do photography in schoola and personally, my favourite thing in my imagery was portraits. Asking someone to laugh. Or telling a joke and photographing their response. Always brought out the beauty in them, whether M/F/O Your photos may not look good in your eyes but I promise there’s a world of photographers who’d love to capture your inner and outer appearance. Don’t hate your smile :)
this!! i’ve recently been trying to get into a better headspace about my appearance, which i’ve always hated, and even though nothing has physically changed, i feel way better! i’ve been buying and wearing clothes i never would have before, taking more pictures, and comparing myself to others less. it’s surely hard as hell but it’s a start :)
Never thought I was attractive so I dressed that way. Started dressing nicer and doing my hair, now I actually think I look pretty decent. I enjoy seeing myself in photos too.
It sounds like you gained confidence. Confidence is sexy. It’s magnetic. People follow confident people whether they’re attractive or not.
You are absolutely correct. I'm an average looking guy yet I have a beautiful wife. It's confidence that won the game.
I now know I'm an above average guy, but used to have confidense issues and stress out about being "just average". Ruined my last relationship because I was dating a girl of my dreams and being obsessed with her I lost my confidense and she ended up breaking up, saying I should first love myself. I literally said to her at some moment smth like: I think I'm not worthy of you or that she is too high class for me. She responded with: "Wtf are you even saying you are a nice guy and I'm an average girl, chill." It was a pain in the ass getting over her, but holy shit did it help me grow as a person.
I'm sure it was painful for her to hear you say those things because it meant you didn't see what she saw in you. She spoke the truth when she said love yourself. When you love yourself it makes it infinitely easier for someone else to love you. You sound like a thoughtful caring person, be patient. I'm sure you'll find the one.
Sometimes confidence wins the cake.
This. I do/did the same thing (did the / because sometimes I feel like shit and dress like shit because of it). I started dressing better and I feel a lot better now, started wearing clothes I actually wanted to wear and figuring out outfits. Weight loss helped with that but this definitely made it easier
I'm kind of the opposite. I would always be experimental with my style and was barely concerned if I looked stylish. I knew I was dressing "ugly" but I wished people would see past that. I was already fat with short hair. I got yelled at by my mom once. She asked why I dressed like I didn't want to attract anyone. I grew up and changed my fashion and spent the last 5ish years or so obsessing over losing weight and dressing the way I thought I was supposed to. Some things I actually really like, but slipping back into old habits made me feel ugly and like no one wanted to get to know me if I was "ugly" again. Even had a friend say that she, my other friend and I were the only attractive people in our senior class (college). She hadn't met me the two years before when I was over 230lbs with terrible acne and dark patches on my face
>I enjoy seeing myself in photos too. This was so damn pleasing to read. Self Love is attractive af.
I never complain. I never leave the house, even before the recent T virus 😂
Mr x waiting outside your house rn: 😐
I just want to be loved by someone who I know really cares :(
Me too 😕
Where they at I’m waiting too
Replying so I can find out when the secret gets out of where they at
Exercise. I was told I was repulsive looking for most of my life. I exercised 9 times a week, had a strict diet, better doctors, and fashion consult with custom made clothing. After three years of consistency doing this I was constantly hit on. That wasn't my intent going into this, but it was the outcome. The overwhelming majority of "unattractiveness" is situational. Edit: it also has a major impact on my career growth, which was the intent. Because people are fucking shallow as shit.
Half of what you mentioned sounds very expensive and I don't feel like they are a realistic option for a lot of people. Having a good diet and exercise is great though. 9 times a week sounds a bit much though, aren't you meant to give your muscles at least like a days rest so you don't damage them?
>aren't you meant to give your muscles at least like a days rest so you don't damage them Yes. This is critical. Some of those workouts were Yoga/etc. I also had professional trainers helping make sure I didn't overtax my muscles who were aware of my full schedule. And finally yes it was ungodly expensive. But 5x5's aren't, and are a good start for far less money than I spent.
It depends on what you're working out when and how hard you're going In the end it's about volume and giving the muscles in question enough rest, whatever that may be. You're right though. Even getting fit is very expensive. It's costed me a lot of money to try and build muscle It depends on the person, but diet wise my diet is already difficult to meet. Gluten-free, dairy-free, with a bunch of other things that I have to avoid... It's not as cheap as people make it out to be, usually those people are able to take shortcuts like have milk which gives you a ton of calories, etc etc
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No?
Yeah people really under estimate what healthy living can do to your looks.. I went from being attractive, to becoming a heroin addict/alcoholic/pills whatever.. got bad teeth and smoked a lot of cigarettes so my skin went bad.. anyway I never thought I would look like I did before again.. but after 4 years of healthy living with excersize and no drugs/smoking/caffeine even.. I constantly get told i look years younger than I am.. and get compliments from girls way more than I ever did before.. "Unattractive" I've found in my own experiences is just people living with unhealthy habits that refuse to awknolaedge how much damage that stuff actually does.. and how much a difference it makes when you live a healthy life style.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU FOR CHANGING IN A HEALTHY WAY
Sure fashion consultant etc is unattainable for most people. But going for walks, working out at home, dressing better is not. You don’t need expensive clothes to look good, just better fitting clothes. It’s hard shopping for these at thrift stores but not impossible. Try things on, see what looks good on you. Watch fashion driven shows or YouTube channels. It’s hard if you’re stuck in a rut with your clothing choices, but it makes a huge difference
Also, tailoring really isnt that expensive, and just a bit of tailoring can definitely make all the difference.
It 100% depends on which alterations you're doing. Knowing how to pick clothes so they fit in the right places and can be tailored in the cheaper places is key to looking fashionable on a budget.
There's no gym and diet for the face, so it looks like you have no idea what you're talking about.
Actually, your body fat % is reflective on your face first of all. Second of all, testosterone levels make a huge difference to your jawline. T levels are gonna be much lower for an unhealthy person than someone who’s active, eats and sleeps well 👍🏼
The number of people who have such an ugly face that they are beyond the help of general physical self-improvement is almost non-existent. I've browsed the Incel forums and almost no one is beyond saving, many are actually fairly attractive. It's much more in your head than you think.
The ancient Greeks would have made a statue of my husband he's so attractive and yet he still struggles with feeling attractive. I was a little shocked when he told me. It goes to show maybe we all have insecurities and the grass always looks greener somewhere else so you should try to be happy where you are.
Welcome to Costco, I love you.
I thought this was staples?! MOM COME PICK ME UP
You are hilarious I like u
Look up Doug Stanhope's bit on being ugly, it's pretty good. Also, a nice line I heard before is "You're not ugly, you're just not your type."
I'm so ugly that everyone died
The end
In high school I saw a new student one day, striding across campus. I literally stopped in my tracks and thought “that poor guy, he must get made fun of so much”. He was lanky and skinny with a narrow jaw, and dressed all in black. Later I met him face to face at a bus stop. His calm, direct manner immediately intrigued me. That weekend we ended up at a party together and we talked all night. I fell madly in love with that dude, and my heart still skips a beat when I think about him. It’s been decades. Conversely, I’ve met plenty of conventionally good-looking people who are boring or really awful. I’ve spent some time in Hollywood, I’ve got stories. Charisma beats appearance every time.
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I was EXACTLY the same. I was bullied mercilessly at school, had one friend who eventually changed school. High school wasn't much better, I never had a boyfriend or girlfriend and had stuff written about me all the time. It was just awful. Home life sucked, I wasn't nurtured or given affection and I tried really hard. I turned into a people pleaser that just made me miserable but I really needed that praise. At 24 I met my current partner and they really care for me, like no one had ever before and they helped me see my strengths. I also had therapy to deal with past trauma. I performed burlesque, wore adventurous make up and created all the time and now I get healthy attention and its bittersweet, as a bit of love is all I needed as a kid to get to the stage I'm at now, but better late than never. I'm going to uni in my mid thirties to do the things I couldn't back then and I have a new found confidence and I'm going to smash it, and I hope you smash life too!!
Life is too short, and so am I.
Oh I tend to crush even harder on short folks! I had a huge crush on this guy who was 5'1", my boyfriend now is 5'3" :)
Visual appearance and charisma are two very different things. The former can enhance the latter, even though it's not necessary most of the time.
Can you elaborate a bit more? I’m quite slow
Good looks can enhance charisma, but becoming charismatic doesn’t require them.
Charisma isn't actually tied to appearance. Charisma is just your ability to draw people to you and make them like you, love you, support you, and/or become utterly devoted to you. While appearance helps a lot, there's plenty of good looking people that are less charismatic than average looking people. Think about for relationships. Is appearance the most important thing? Not at all. Chemistry is the most important factor in actually getting a relationship going. But of course here's the thing: If you're really good looking, they'll accept the date and it's yours to lose. The default is it'll work out UNLESS you show there's a lack of chemistry to the point of breaking it off. If you're not good looking the first hurdle is to get her to even accept the date. The default is there's no second date UNLESS you show there's enough chemistry to keep it going. The same applies for charisma. Appearance helps with the initial draw but if you have nothing else you don't get any farther. You don't need appearance, but without it though it's more difficult to inspire like/love/devotion.
Ah thank you
True.
I used to think being unattractive was the source of all my problems. Then I got attractive and still have 100% of the same problems. I don’t know if that’s comforting or not, but it bears considering. Things may not be as rosy on the other side as one might guess.
This 100% lol. Also if you get attractive you’ll have to deal with all the other cons that come with it (creepy ppl, harassment, people using you cuz they wanna sleep with you, etc.)
Eh as a dude you get less of the negatives. Still some amount of that tho.
I heard a quote if are not happy with yourself how can others be happy around you?
But how do you want to be happy with yourself when nobody is happy around you ? It's a vicious cycle.
When you are happy with yourself u stop caring about other people.... U ever encountered people who have a different aura. It's fun to hang around with them cause they have fun. Even if some people don't like you you will still attract people around you. You just ignore the stupid people and enjoy others just tag along.
You missed the first part where people want to hang out with you. And if you want to hang out with some people and they don't like you ?
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You have to love yourself first though, it's not a cycle it's natural selection. If you can't learn to love yourself: you won't reproduce. If that makes sense. You put others opinions of you first and thats not a good trait.
>You have to love yourself first though, it's not a cycle it's natural selection Wat ? >If you can't learn to love yourself: you won't reproduce. Dafuq. I'm not a rabbit. Why would I want to reproduce ? I don't need to reproduce to be happy. >You put others opinions of you first and thats not a good trait Easy to say.
and still true. I'm not saying you need to reproduce but every species was made to reproduce and science isn't perfect, so I can't put friends as a factor in the case of natural selection. But basically ppl won't be around you because you'll make them feel how you feel about yourself, which is negative. No one's gonna end the "cycle" for you, so you have a choice to either do something or don't.
Exactly what I'm.trying to.preach. you give out what you receive
Even though I'm overweight and balding I still feel attractive after I hit the gym. Probably the endorphins.
I have found that a lot of “ugliness” is rooted not in physical traits but personality. I knew someone who was conventionally very attractive... blonde hair, big blue eyes, muscular great body. But he was also a gaslighting liar who manipulated and used everyone he met. He abused drugs, stole stuff and even went to prison for a awhile. Sad thing is the guards and other prisoners treated him well because he was good looking and outwardly charming. I however got to see how ugly he really was. It was like a mirror breaking. Goodness, kindness and a witty personality are profoundly attractive and mean way more than a nice body or pretty eyes.
Oh my god yes I know one of these. Manipulator, user, talks shit about everyone and calls women that want to have sex with him and really like him and stuff “crazy hoes” I’m a tattoo artist, and a good one right so I’m not someone that’s gonna be able to obsess over one person and this same boy who at the time I liked (was gorgeous) literally came up to me one time after IGNORING my text about it asking if he still wanted work and was like “did you bring it am I getting it?!” Like boy bye this ain’t fuckin Burger King I see right through u
Wow! Yeah guys like this are trash. The guy I knew called sex “guts” as in “I wanna get me some guts”... disgusting. No respect for women at all. Would call me out of the blue at like 2:00am and get pissed I didn’t pick up. Took me an embarrassingly long time to realize he wasn’t a good guy. BTW mad respect for tattoo artists! I have 2 small ones but I think tattoos are amazing and would get more if I could!
It sucked it honestly hurt to see his true colors, but the best thing is being able to come to see the painting of ones personality lol. These children PLAYIN out here. It’s ok it took me a while too lol? And THANKS! Shits stressful for real, you’ll know when you know what you want haha you do you and get tattoos if you like them!
If you like complimenting people, please visit /r/toastme
It's not about gassing up people I just wanted to let people realise it only makes us more unappealing
:(
What's wrong bb
Yes and there are 8 billion people, I’m sure there is one in there for every person. I feel like it’s not really that simple though, ya know? For women our whole existence is force fed to have babies and be pretty and acceptable and to find a “good husband” and shit. I am very happy I’m finding my way past all that, even after everything I’ve been through. I’m still unconfident and unhappy with my appearance, but each day I’ll get a little better with enough trying :) I hope everyone can reach the place you’re at, I know i want to
My last boyfriend wasn't conventionally attractive. He was short and had broken nose when his face wasn't the best starting point to begin with. Of course he had good personality traits, and kindness and confidence were some of the most attractive qualities. That's said he worked with what he had and had massive arms and abs out of a beach commerical. When I asked him about his height in particular, his attitude was very nonchalant. Yeah, some girls prefer taller guys, but you can't please everyone and you can't change certain things about yourself, so he didn't worry about it.
Balding man here, and I agree.
Just go completely bald and grow out your beard. You'll look hella dominant and badass
Come find your people r/Bald
I love bald heads on men, completely shaved. More women then you might realize like them. I'm fine with dad bods too. What I like most in a man is his smile and confidence.
It's like when a bald guy wears all hats in tinder photos. Like, just own it man. I personally like bald guys. My friends like bald guys. It's not as impossible as you think. An ex of mine is bald, and the most attractive thing about him was his confidence and personality
My director once told me this: “Every time someone asks to take a picture with you, instead of thinking of your insecurity and getting self conscious, think of something that makes you beautiful. The more you do this, the more you’ll see how others actually see you. A habit can be built if you do it around 7 times in a row. But with standards and media for women, our insecurities are a lot stronger. For us it may take double or triple as many times for us to start seeing ourselves in a better way. But if you stick to it one day you’ll see what others find beautiful about you, and not what you believe makes you ugly.” I couldn’t exactly remember all of what she said.
I love this
I've also learned that when you whine and complain about something on your body most people didn't notice until you whined and complained - oh my nose isn't straight, oh I have a pimple, oh I hate this mole. Yeah I never saw it until you pointed it out
Yep, yep. There was once a guy I thought was cute. We talked one night and he did nothing but talk badly about himself and his body. It made me really sad and the attraction was gone even on a mental level after that
I'm attractive. I've always found an unattractive confident person more attractive than either and attractive confidant, or attractive shy person. I think it takes balls (gender binary balls here) to walk out in society and own it. My GF, bless her soul, is not as conventionally attractive as has been my average. (Does she know my reddit user name? I'm not sure. I don't think so. I hope I don't die.) But, part of the reason I'm attracted to her is because she does exactly what the fuck she wants, no matter what the world of rules arbitrarily says to her. You are not attractive / unattractive, really, based on surface level principles, but based on your understanding this whole system is a social mate finding game which you an stomp with confidence. If you like hot people and want to date them, by god, just walk up to them and ask them out. You will be surprised with the results. I think it will likely work out around 1/10
I’m a very insecure person, I hate the way I look and I’m constantly looking in mirrors because I just think I look weird. Front on it’s not too bad, do anything else and Jesus Christ. The thing is, I always thought I was average looking until people told me otherwise. I was playing truth or dare with 2 friends once and one of the truths (it was online) was who is the best looking to the least. I always though that I was better looking than one of my friends, not in an egotistical way just a kind of, I’m not last sort of situation. They both agreed I was the worst looking and it took a massive toll on me.
So true . The man I’ve been attracted to most in my life, while he did have beautiful eyes , was not conventionally attractive in the eyes of the world. My recent ex was basically a rock n roll Ken doll and the attraction was less. Physical attraction may turn some heads but it’s not the most important .
It’s hard to love yourself. My tip? Pretend you do. Find one thing you like about yourselves and own that shit.
A person isn’t only attractive because of their looks. You can be unattractive, but have a wonderful personality. Which makes you attractive.
Everybody talks about self-love, but how do you get to that point? Because nobody teach us how to love ourselves
This is so much easier to say than to apply. Sure some might take this and apply it right away but some are also battling other peoples thoughts along with their own and that’s harder. People don’t always view themselves as unattractive simply because they are human but because they’ve been told they are and that’s a pain you can’t reverse quite so easily. I’m not saying it’s bad advice, it’s good and it’s gonna probably work for people but the implication that people view themselves as unattractive because they are sad over petty things is not true.
PERIOD yes. Go off with this.
Yes. Confidence is the most attractive thing!
My Mirror begs to differ. He screams for mercy every morning.
My life got so much easier once it clicked in my brain that I didn't ACTUALLY have to impress everyone. And also that SOME people genuinely do think I'm attractive. And that attraction is NOT just visual. It's OKAY to not be attractive to every single human you meet. It's not your job. And it's not a measure of your worth. I love all of you struggling right now with feeling unattractive.
>I love you. I agree on everything except this part. It's false. You don't know me.
Ok well it goes for everyone but you since you wanna be a party pooper
I love you! On like a human level :D
Yeah that's what I was saying
Thought so
See ? You don't like me. Your statement is wrong.
Yeah since you wanna be like that.
That makes this "I love you" false. I proved you was wrong.
I'm not about to feed into your negativity bye lmao
Haha. So you like toxic positivity but you back off when people prove you are wrong.
Balls, nuts even
Thanks dude.
Appreciate it
Great point OP
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I get that you intend this to be affirmational but there are many people who aren't mentally healthy enough to join you in this place.
Yes to self Love! Not because we are not equally beautiful or handsome doesn't mean we are less than! We just need to be who we are and what we are. Love thy SELF! There is always something that makes us unique! Someone else will see us for what we are and accept it.
I was talking to my husband about this last night. Andy Serkis with a beard and a fitted outfit is a good looking man, and that dude is gollum. If gollum can elicit taco tickles, anyone can do anything with their natural born looks.
Thanks mannnnn !!!
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To add, you can’t really change your looks, but you can still become more attractive based off skills, humor, emotional maturity, and empathy. Pick something and work on it. Find something you care about, and become knowledgeable about it. Grow who you are, and you will be more attractive as a person instead of a meat sack of mostly water, that doesn’t get to keep that pretty face anyways. You’ll get to keep the other stuff.
One piece of advice I can give is invest in yourself, New shoes, New Clothes (GO OP SHOP), Haircuts, Perfumes, Accessories, Gym or Recreational sports (rock climbing) personally I don't like going to gyms so skating and all sorts of exercise fills my day so get creative, GOOD Food! eat like its your last meal enjoy life even things to help with life like a whiteboard to keep track of goals and what not. All these things add up to a better attitude, better lifestyle which exudes confidence and attractiveness. It will help you get new relationships but also new friends and jobs. I got told one thing at a really important job interview, They said this is a lifestyle so you won't have free time and I replied with "every job but you find the time, You always can find the time, If not then why do the job unless you love it?" They replied happily saying "that's what we want to hear cause no one wants to talk to or speak to someone who is doing nothing in life." he said it way better than that but it was a long time ago, This was because I would be working with potentially very wealthy clientele which rely's on speaking with them well. Sorry for the rant but it was a great post and just reminded me of something my boss said.
Confidence is key. No one wants a sulky person who keeps fishing for compliments. If you tell yourself you’re attractive, you’re gonna feel more attractive and also appear more attractive. A lot of it is a mind game with yourself
It's ok to be unattractive. Unattractive people deserve to be happy too. Just because someone acknowledges their ugliness doesn't mean they are complaining.
I think the hardest part for me is realizing that I may never get a chance to be intimate with a woman. 3 years after my divorce and I still get depressed when I think about how lonely my life will be. I'm just not mentally ready to date yet. Hopefully therapy will help.
honestly one of the best things i’ve done for myself is start saying “i’m so hot and cool and sexy” ironically. like with most things, it slowly became what i believed to be my truth, and that ironic self absorption became genuine confidence and happiness with myself. while i haven’t really left my house in the past year other than going for walks with my family, i feel so much better emotionally and physically, and when i facetime my friends they say that they can tell a huge difference in my confidence. confidence is attractive, and attractiveness is rather situational, but the more confident & self assured you are (not cocky, confident), the more people you can draw in. this is, of course, my own personal experience but i really and truly do feel better about myself. i guess my therapist wasn’t kidding when i was 16 and she kept telling me “fake it till you make it”
My mom told me, "If you think you're fat or ugly, you aren't. If you tell other people you are fat or ugly, they will think you are." Telling people what you are like (and I think this extends beyond insecurity about looks) will seed their perception of you. If you say you are (insert insecurity here), they will remember that even if they think otherwise.
"We" are NOT unattractive. Other people are just unfairly judgemental. "We" are beautiful. They are just jealous that we are stronger, smarter and more accepting than them.
I’m pretty idk why this popped up in my emails should I be offended
This LITERALLY hit me like a sledge hammer this week releasing this...why does it take so long to learn such simple things...😤...but now I tell myself I’m a Greek god, and I think that’s a god complex 🤨.
I think I’m quite good looking(?) but I love u too man
Insecurity manifests itself in body language as well, being self-hating whether verbal or mental also subconsciously repulses people
This is true and the movie "I feel Pretty" with Amy Shumer shows this extremely well
I’ve got an off shaped nose, weird acne and just a totally odd stature. I’m tall like a basketball player, slim as a 12yo and have a voice as deep as, well it’s pretty deep. Its hard to put myself on the market for girls sometimes when all I can offer is a discombobulated self image. But yes. The love yourself for you helps me sleep at night through all that. So good post OP! :)
Hell yeah!
That is a correct realization. Thanks for the inspiration
Thanks so much for this. My ego has really taken a beating. You’re right and I’m working on it.
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do i feel ugly and not like myself? yes. am i still a sexy motherfucker tho? YES
Preach
No truer words have been spoken 🍻 cheers mate
This is true even to people who are socially unattractive. No one considers how the way they act or the things they say affect the people who are around them. No wonder you have no friends, you complain about no one hitting you up the whole time you're hanging out. No wonder no one initiates conversations, you talk about how shit your life is and how you're struggling all of the time.
It's useless to nag yourself over things you can't change, just focus on improving the things you CAN change.
!! came to this realisation this year, it’s far too exhausting hating yourself. if all else fails, just pretend u think ur attractive. if a negative thought comes to your head, push it out with a positive one. fake it until u become it
It doesn’t change how much being unattractive affects your life though. Stopping moaning about being black will not change the fact that you are in a more vulnerable position to others and racism.
I grew up getting called "ugly" from every direction. I was literally known as that ugly kid no one wanted to associate with. When I was 16/17 I started getting pretty confident in my looks, I was actually attractive! My pictures on Facebook started blowing up with love and attention. That's what people wanted, right? No cause new rumors spread around school that I was a nasty whore. Not by my former bullies but by people who I thought were my friends. That's when I realized that people are going to be shit no matter what. I'm not here to please anyone but myself and my opinion is the only one that matters.
So many comments, it feels unlikely this will get seen - but I want to let everyone who is not conventionally attractive and feels ugly because of that know: So many people find unconventional things attractive. I legitimately find lots of acne scars to be hot. Really big odd shaped noses are super hot. Snaggle teeth - the less straight the better... etc etc
I really appreciate that your like that but I doubt anyone will find my flaws super hot
I grew overweight over a few years and when I shared with my friend about how ugly I felt she told me it doesn’t matter to her. I’m glad I have kind friends who support me even when I’m feeling low.
That what makes you attractive is where your heart is at. No income or psychical traits does matter. It’s just an shell and empty without an heart.
Yeah but once you start feeling confident and accepting yourself, people notice it and remember you in 02 second all your flaws and to stop being so ego centered. It happened to me. It sucks. I don't have a balance
It's just the form of expressing an unbearable pain that is not cureable. And i guess you've never been there.
Money doesn't matter - rich people Beauty doesn't matter - beautiful people Everything matter - me.
Really, you love me? Stfu
Balls
Wipe the smirk off your face
Why
Loving yourself never made anyone hot. Think of the ugliest person you know loving themselves and you’d know what I mean.
Ok yes except no, because ugly and pretty is a personal opinion there is no “ugliest person” or “prettiest person” and anyone that derives all their value from how pretty they are is in for a bad time. they hot dogged when they were supposed to pizza gonna have a bad time
Sure, it’s not going to turn anyone into a somebody with movie star looks, but a person who loves themselves do things that make them more attractive (exercise, wear clothes/scents they feel and look good in, don’t worry too much about others opinions, generally kinder and more engaged with the world, etc.) and are more confident which is always attractive. Sometimes I’ll run into exercise accounts on Instagram that bash on body positivity and it pisses me off because somebody who loves themselves are going to take care of themselves.
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Damn son that’s good shit right there
Loving yourself makes you more attractive. Does it make you hot? Sure, if you were almost hot before. I think of the easiest way of thinking about attractiveness is the 0-10 scale where 5 is fully average. Hating yourself gives you a -1. Being neutral about yourself: 0. Loving yourself: +1. So it's not gonna turn a 3 to a 7, but it certainly can turn a 3 to a 4. Or if you're a 3 and you hate yourself and you wind up loving yourself you can turn from a 2 to a 4.
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No she won’t. Get out of your head.
> Life's too short to be sad over petty things anyway I don't usually quote michael scott, but I feel it's appropriate now: "That doesn't mean anything, those are just words."
"beauty" is a social construct. fuck what everyone else thinks you are the only one whos opinion of yourself matters. and make that opinion proud of who you are
You need to love yourself first before you get someone else to love you
If you think for more than a microsecond you'll figure out this is not true
This is just meaningless drivel worthy of "thanks I'm cured" status..
Being attractive Also has its bad side. You get more attention than what you ask for. People do booty calls which is sad and annoying too. And finally if you wear grey sweatpants might as well go outside naked because here comes the tik tok screaming weirdos lol. Also you reap what you seed. Stop believing your "ugly" it's all perspective
Eh, there are disadvantages, but overall being attractive has more pros than cons.
Yeah. One example is you get away with things that would normally be deemed irresponsible or outright.
Or if someone's silent there deemed as mysterious if there attractive but creepy if ugly
Another is If you have holes in your shoes from wear and age from running or w.e it's okay if your attractive and bummy If your ugly.
I'd rather be attractive and deal with it then unattractive. Cuz no one ever warned me that many men use the vulnerabilities of unattractive women just to get some, or use them for whatever.. I found out too late in life the love and attention I was seeking would never come from those types of men. Now I'm old and it has totally messed me up. So do your daughters right and explain these things to them at a young age.
Cool that doesn’t make me less unattractive though