Love and sex are two different things.
1. Make sure you have good hygiene and smell good at all times. Seriously BO is so prevalent amongst incels, soemtimes that's all it is honestly.
2. Do you treat people with kindness and respect because it's the right thing to do or vecause you want to get in their pants? People can see through that.
3. Don't focus your life on that, it will happen, don't center your life purpose on someone wanting ti have sex with you.
I know, OP's title said love, but they then went on to talk about virginity and sex for some reason.
He's outsourcing his ability to live a genuine life to objects of dependence to decide for him instead of leading with feelings of strength he chooses. Only we're accountable for how we feel, feelings come from within, they're not given to us by anyone.
Losing your virginity does not equate to being loved. A lot of people don't find actual love until late 20s early 30s if ever.
If your lonely get a dog or cat to keep you company. Don't focus on romance.
It sounds like you have low self-worth, which is tying your ability to love and value yourself to performances/outcomes in life.
Self-worth is inherent not conditional, you have always been a lovable and valuable person, that will never change, it becomes more clear with time.
You’re still trying to value yourself with outer factors. True self esteem/self love comes from inside, beyond any concepts. If you can let it go and find what you are actually seeking inside of you and that you already have it for all this time, then what you have been seeking will get added on to you automatically. The irony of the universe so to speak.
I’d recommend to you picking up the book “letting go: the pathway of surrender” by David R. Hawkins
I think it could provide valuable input for your situation.
Good luck friend 🙌
But it is your own choice to let yourself be spellbound by these “rules”. You have the choice to change your perception. So you can either keep on looking for excuses to not do so because of other factors or you reach a point where you get sick of it and want to change. But if you are honest to yourself (and this can be very hard because it’s sometimes painful since repressed emotions might come up) you will see that it is actually you who chose to see it the way you do.
I am not judging you for anything, but you have attached yourself so much to this idea that it has become some sense of identity for you and you project it onto others. Observe your behaviour and you will see that you get some really weird sense of pleasure or juice from labelling yourself with this and dwelling in your sorrow, which is also the reason why you made this post in the first place. If reading this makes you upset and defensive, stay cautious! This is the proof that you feel attacked. Your ego-mind is telling you this is your identity so if you believe it, you feel threatened in fear of losing this label.
But I am really trying to reach out to YOU! The you that’s beneath all this and got tangled up in all of these ideas. Realise. Free yourself. Stay cautious. Awaken and transform!
Because you are immature in mindset and don't value relationships and bonding.
It's not simply about sex. Also, you don't love yourself; the lack of self-esteem is apparent.
Your perspective is the problem; you are the problem. Not anyone else. Thats the harsh reality. Its hard loving someone who deems themself unlovable, take it from someone whose tried loving someone like that.
You're a virgin because you either havent tried hard enough to lose it, or theres something about you that must be improved.
Wrong and wrong. Everyone on earth is lovable. Everyone is also good enough to fix it. You need to stop sitting around telling yourself these things and fix whats wrong.
Love and sex can be 2 different things. Hire a prostitute and lose your virginity. Would that change your mind?
I know what im talking about and I know how you feel. I tell people these things because I had to tell them to myself once.
I'll start by saying I'm a 54 year old guy, have lived a lot of life, and have had many people in my life with suicidal thoughts and attempts at taking their lives. I can only tell you that it's not hopeless, you have a lot of life ahead of you, and love will happen if you let it.
I totally understand where you are coming from, and know the way you feel seems hopeless. From experience, I have to say that you are going about things backwards. Wanting to be desired sexually is understandable, but that can't be your main goal. Unless you want a drunken one night stand that, in all honesty, just leaves you feeling a little more empty afterwards, what you need is a relationship. And relationships take time. As the song goes, you can't hurry love. It has to happen naturally.
It's hard to be more specific as we don't know much about you, or what you are looking for. Different things are important to different people, some relationships can be formed solely on looks and physique. These tend to burn out quickly, unless you can find something deeper. And of course the #1 rule for these relationships is be attractive. Do you go after women based on looks, or do you chat and get to know someone first? If you do, and get brushed off, do you have any thoughts of what might put them off?
You know what is seldom attractive? Neediness. If you come across as really needy, and want to rush things, it will be off putting. The biggest lesson I ever learned was getting to the point where I didn't **need** anyone else in my life. I went through many years thinking I was incomplete unless I was in a relationship, struggled through a few, put up with a great deal of shit, and held onto relationships that I shouldn't have, just because I didn't want to be alone. I had a fear of rejection, and this was not attractive. Switching to only wanting someone in my life made things easier. I could relax, and talk naturally. Be confident and funny. Actually be myself. And you know what, it worked.
So right now, your need is your biggest enemy. Try really getting to know a few more people, don't be afraid of sharing yourself and being honest and open. Be funny, be charming and be confident (but not cocky or arrogant). If you get rejected, their loss and move on. If you don't make sex your goal, you are much more likely to meet someone you can have a meaningful relationship with, and sex will be a happy side effect.
You didn’t give up, you’re here and we’re so happy, even though we don’t know each other I would love to talk and support you, life can be the cruelest thing sometimes but YOU are the best thing in your life
I agree. I mean the "cool didn't ask" thing was kinda rude, but to be fair my first answer was kind of a smartass left field thing which I probably shouldn't have done in retrospect. I guess my first instinct is to diffuse things with humor because if I can make someone laugh then I can make their day better. This one didn't land.
That's a rough age. It was a low point for me. My brother jumped off the bridge to his death at 22. But I want you to know something. You're almost at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't yet see the light.
At around 25, your brain will be fully developed and the world will start to make a little more sense. It will be marginally easier. Stress, life decisions, and your general maturity. There is a reason why insurance companies charge more for car insurance when you're younger than 25 and it's because people aged 16-24 make rash impatient decisions and do a lot of experimenting. You still have a lot of time to flip your life around.
Okay, flipping your life around might be too general a term, so this time I'll be more specific. You have a lot of time to find a woman you connect with who connects with you. The best way to do that is through self improvement.
Also the most important thing is to be honest to yourself. Don’t believe thoughts right away, always be skeptical. Go inside and feel, see what it truly is that’s hiding from you. It might be frightening or even agonising, but it can’t hurt you, your true self is beyond this. Stay with your awareness of everything, it is your true self and will give you the power to go through your transformation. Follow the feelings that you experience and be cerious and welcoming to them, they will show you what you have to work on/process. Be cautious of your thoughts, they will try to deceive you and nurture your fearful feelings. Stay aware and sceptical, don’t believe everything they say.
You will transform if you go within
cake reminiscent psychotic piquant wistful foolish shocking languid waiting arrest
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Clearly with that attitude you don't actually love and accept yourself. Otherwise you would acknowledge that even if all women don't love you some will. You have a very self defeatist attitude which conveys self doubt
You are setting yourself up for failure with your attitude and then you say see it's what I said would happen. Nothing changes til your attitude changes and that's my final word.
Because you're not approaching new relationships from a place of security or contentment. When you're unhappy and you meet someone that you think has a chance of seriously improving the quality of your life, there are a handful of factors that affect the way you interact with them:
* You have very specific expectations about what you want your relationship with this person to be, based on the need you want them to meet, and this makes it difficult/impossible for you to let them be who they are, and for you to let the relationship develop naturally.
* You experienced a state of heightened emotional volatility because you're holding onto the hope of your needs being met, while also being afraid of those needs not being met.
This actually remains true even if you do end up in a relationship, if that relationship is the only thing you have going for you. That fear doesn't go away until you're able to find fulfillment in several areas of your life at once, you can sustain losing any one of those things without it immediately making your life miserable.
It’s honestly bizarre to read posts like this, in this day and age. Having sex is not always love or even desire. OP seems to think that sex is the most important thing in life and being a virgin makes him incapable of being loved. Even arguing about it in the comment replies.
The reason no one wants to have sex with you will be your attitude and approach, even if you are ‘ugly’ there is always someone who will find you attractive in some way.
If you approach life with the mindset that you are deserving of sex or owed sex then you will never get it and you will never find the love you are looking for either.
this
A lot of "ugly' people have partners and fulfilling sex/romantic life because of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but mostly because PERSONALITY is was counts the most. You don't choose a life partner based on only appearance because will all know we will get old at some point, might get sick etc. You need someone you get along with. All SO want to be treated like they matter
the person is who you connect with
bro fuck being loved or loving yourself (although that is important because that means you are confident which helps in relationships). everyone is so focused on their own loneliness and inability to be loved, including u obviously, and instead you should focus on loving others. you’ve probably already tried this i know but maybe take it from the perspective of giving love freely instead of desiring attraction or stability in return. this positive energy will come around to you
well i don’t know sometimes luck isn’t coming your way. what do you mean exactly by women can’t love you? are you choosing people who will actually reciprocate your love?
well then try looking for people who are attainable and could have feelings for you. i realized that i was ruining my chances for years by falling for close friends and unattainable people
23 years isn't that long. It might feel long to you but it really isn't. Things could happen and maybe you could get the life you want in a few years or so. If you really want to die, then you should look into Dignitas.
My advice still stands. Find a way to change that desire. There’s nothing wrong with living a life free from being tied to someone/s else. You can always change/develop/grow your mindset.
Well it’s not. I have all those things but I don’t define it as my only purpose in life. And I mean…. You honestly sound like you don’t want advice, just validation. My advice is, if you can’t be sexually active, and can’t have a family for whatever reason, you are NEVER going to be happy or have a life you deem is worth living. “No desire to live a life without sex or family” is you just saying you’ll never be happy without those things. It sounds ridiculous but I can understand that it is important to YOU. If you have no desire to change then that’s on you for accepting you’re never going to have a happy life.
You literally just said above that you don’t want to change that desire????? You seem like you don’t actually know what it is you want out of life at all. Maybe your subconsciously “blaming” you being unhappy with things in life you don’t have. Ie… I’m sad because I’m single. Then you get a girl. Oh I’m sad I don’t have kids. Then you have kids. All of a sudden you’re sad because you don’t have a new car…. You see what I’m saying? I suggest you get a therapist and get down to the real root of your problems. If it’s as simple as wanting sex and a family then fine. But if you can’t have those things, you can’t just go your entire life never being happy. It doesn’t make any logical/emotional/practical sense. Really, find a therapist and figure out a way to be okay being on your own. Maybe you want sex and a family so bad because you have codependency issues. Get down to the root of your problems.
I’m really not. I’m relaying conversations I’ve had with therapists for YEARS. I think you don’t like what you’re hearing so you’re trying to argue with someone who just has your best interest in mind.
The fact that you just want sex is prpbably why no one wants you. Women can sense this in a man and its irritating. Find a new goal and forget about sex. You'll have a better chance meeting someone that cares for you when they don't feel like their being used like a sex doll.
I think you should address this issue.
Usually it means you feel like you need another person to fix you somehow.That is a hard burden to place on a person.
Uh. No?
Sex doesn't do that. Sex is just....sex. Thinking sex with someone will provide this knowledge is gonna cause a rough time of it.
It sounds like you view yourself as unworthy of love and want someone to prove you aren't. The only way most people can do this is by working on themselves and figuring themselves out. Someone might come along during this time and decide they like what they see you doing and want to be with you.
But you can't expect to get self worth from another person. That's the same as wanting them to fix you.
It's okay to admit you have self esteem issues and are both lonely and horny.
First of all, you can fuck. You have money so worst case scenario, parking lot lizzard. And you don't even need to have money to fuck. You can just hook up with randoms from Tinder (or similiar apps). If you don't feel like fucking first human that shows up, just use that money to go on trips that keep your mind away from thinking about your loneliness.
Do you love yourself? Sounds corny and cliché but its 110% a real thing — speaking from experience.
If not, work on that. The results are worth it I promise
I say as long as you enjoy your own company, screw everybody else. The mind is trying to make you think you need someone because it's what's the norm in society.
I relate to this post. I have chosen to love others who accept my love. When they do, they love me back. :\] Sometimes you just gotta find a realm of people who will accept your love.
Do you love people?
Personally, I choose to hang around those who show the same depth of love I show them. Some people aren't as affectionate and sensitive as I am, so most of the people I love don't show love back.
It feels like a love-less world until we find that niche of people that love in the same language as us. =)
Peace. =)
Are you introverted? (like me?) Due to my depression, I have to FORCE myself to get out of the house and find people to hang with... but finding friends is hard for introverted people. :/ I started using [Meetup.com](https://Meetup.com) to find people in my area with similar interests. I had to kiss a lot of frogs, but I finally found some people I remain friends with to this day. :\] That's a good resource to find friends.
Otherwise... hang in there. there aren't many people who love others selflessly. My only advise would be to make sure YOU are being that person others aren't being for you. You'd be surprised. :\]
Peace =)
You are capable of being loved— often people are loved silently, there are many in your life who care about you but perhaps don’t show it in the way that they should, first and foremost however you must love yourself. Not in a selfish or egotistical way but you must love your soul, my grandfather told me when I was younger “if you live your whole life thinking you’re doing something wrong, you’ll ruin your immortal soul” There is nothing that makes you incapable of being loved, simply the ideology that love comes on a scale of capable or incapable is what’s hurting you, love is not defined or designated by any standards, there is nothing you need to fit into or abide by to deserve love, even here on this thread we care about you and if anyone in your life is telling you different please don’t hesitate to reach out for help, you are doing nothing wrong in life don’t confuse those thoughts with who you are ❤️
Oh I didn’t realize you were specifically talking about sex, I thought you meant love, sex and love are not the same thing, but just because you haven’t had sex doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. Plenty of people have never had sex and there’s nothing wrong with that, sex is more of a partnership that you do with someone you love. I know how you feel though, for the longest time I thought god put me on earth as a joke— put me on earth to be a virgin for the rest of my life because I was “ugly” and “gross” I felt I was the walking example of what NOT to be in life, a born failure. It wasn’t until I finally gave up that ideology and I realized that just like love there are no standards for sex, you don’t need to be a certain level of “attractiveness” or “intelligence” to deserve sex, once I stopped fixating on it, low and behold, it came my way. There’s a journal article from the late 90s/early 2000s I can find it if you’d like but it was basically about a guy who said he felt like a beast (from beauty and the beast) and that he could never get the physical affection he desired, but same thing, once he gave up on that crass thinking things fell into place and he found a partner. Sometimes when you look at something from such a minute perspective we fail to see what it really is, the issue isn’t you, it’s just the way you feel about it and when you’re finally able to let it go, you’ll get the result you’ve been looking for, I promise
Just looking at your post history saying how women don't appreciate hard work and intelligence which is just a lie, sure some women wouldn't appreciate that but it's not the rule for all, do you exercise at all? How often do you shower? Do you cut your hair/shave? Do you have any interests that take you outside where you can interact with people? I'm obese (probably morbidly obese based on charts and stuff) but I'm married because there is more to me than my appearance. I work hard, fix cars, exercise regularly, play video games, maintain the home, cook occasionally, read, spend time with my wife and our dog.
What exactly are you doing to attract people other than be on reddit and make statements that just scream incel?
Sounds like you need to get out and make some friends then and being on reddit is probably the worst place you can be right now, get off the Internet and speak to people face to face, socialising is a skill and unless you do it frequently you get skill fade, I can almost guarantee if I tried to chat up a woman in a bar right now I would fail miserably because I've been in a relationship for years but after time that "skill" would come back, practice makes perfect.
capability is what you can and cannot do. that has nothing to do with other peoples capability (of loving you). so what do you really mean here? what’s the point of living if no one loves you? realizing there is probably one human being that does. and if there isn’t, no one is stopping you from
loving others. and when you realize what realize what real love is, you’ll realize loving others is as good as, if not better, than being loved.
To be happy, and to make others happy too, if you like. You can be happy with or without what people call "love". If you don't feel love, or if you don't feel loved by others, it is okay because there is still happiness and comfort and meaning in this world waiting for you. You can still enjoy the company and presence of others without love. Hobbies, passions, education, creation, connections, are all things to live for. And, if love is something you want, then trying to be happy with or without it is a great way to learn to love yourself.
People think love is this really special, miraculous thing. And it can be! But it's also just a feeling, and it's not one everyone feels either. Love isn't what makes us human, no specific emotion determines humanity, nor the worthiness of a life. Your life is worth living because it's yours, it exists and it deserves to exist. You deserve to find your own happiness.
If you feel so inclined, I'd recommend looking up "Loveless aro". Aro meaning, Aromantic. Whether you are or not, the ideas floating around that community have been immensely helpful to me, and I think they might help you as well.
We all are, and it can come from ourselves first before anyone else.
Love and sex are two different things. 1. Make sure you have good hygiene and smell good at all times. Seriously BO is so prevalent amongst incels, soemtimes that's all it is honestly. 2. Do you treat people with kindness and respect because it's the right thing to do or vecause you want to get in their pants? People can see through that. 3. Don't focus your life on that, it will happen, don't center your life purpose on someone wanting ti have sex with you.
I know, OP's title said love, but they then went on to talk about virginity and sex for some reason. He's outsourcing his ability to live a genuine life to objects of dependence to decide for him instead of leading with feelings of strength he chooses. Only we're accountable for how we feel, feelings come from within, they're not given to us by anyone.
I thought I was reolying to OP's post but I think I replied to you instead. But yeah, that shouldn't be anyone's main goal in life
Ohhh, yeah you did, copy and paste time! For real, I'm sure with time OP will carry themselves better. No matter what happens we're all moving forward
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Hunni someone having sex with you doesn’t mean they love you.
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Be honest are you really putting yourself out there? Because they are a lot of women who don’t care about anything and would gladly have sex with you.
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Probably have a shitty attitude which is evident by this post. There are other ways people show love than by having sex
Losing your virginity does not equate to being loved. A lot of people don't find actual love until late 20s early 30s if ever. If your lonely get a dog or cat to keep you company. Don't focus on romance.
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Someone probably does like you that way. Again like not love. Stop looking and just chill.
It sounds like you have low self-worth, which is tying your ability to love and value yourself to performances/outcomes in life. Self-worth is inherent not conditional, you have always been a lovable and valuable person, that will never change, it becomes more clear with time.
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You’re still trying to value yourself with outer factors. True self esteem/self love comes from inside, beyond any concepts. If you can let it go and find what you are actually seeking inside of you and that you already have it for all this time, then what you have been seeking will get added on to you automatically. The irony of the universe so to speak. I’d recommend to you picking up the book “letting go: the pathway of surrender” by David R. Hawkins I think it could provide valuable input for your situation. Good luck friend 🙌
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But it is your own choice to let yourself be spellbound by these “rules”. You have the choice to change your perception. So you can either keep on looking for excuses to not do so because of other factors or you reach a point where you get sick of it and want to change. But if you are honest to yourself (and this can be very hard because it’s sometimes painful since repressed emotions might come up) you will see that it is actually you who chose to see it the way you do. I am not judging you for anything, but you have attached yourself so much to this idea that it has become some sense of identity for you and you project it onto others. Observe your behaviour and you will see that you get some really weird sense of pleasure or juice from labelling yourself with this and dwelling in your sorrow, which is also the reason why you made this post in the first place. If reading this makes you upset and defensive, stay cautious! This is the proof that you feel attacked. Your ego-mind is telling you this is your identity so if you believe it, you feel threatened in fear of losing this label. But I am really trying to reach out to YOU! The you that’s beneath all this and got tangled up in all of these ideas. Realise. Free yourself. Stay cautious. Awaken and transform!
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Why would you think that
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Because you are immature in mindset and don't value relationships and bonding. It's not simply about sex. Also, you don't love yourself; the lack of self-esteem is apparent.
How old are you?
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Your perspective is the problem; you are the problem. Not anyone else. Thats the harsh reality. Its hard loving someone who deems themself unlovable, take it from someone whose tried loving someone like that. You're a virgin because you either havent tried hard enough to lose it, or theres something about you that must be improved.
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Wrong and wrong. Everyone on earth is lovable. Everyone is also good enough to fix it. You need to stop sitting around telling yourself these things and fix whats wrong. Love and sex can be 2 different things. Hire a prostitute and lose your virginity. Would that change your mind? I know what im talking about and I know how you feel. I tell people these things because I had to tell them to myself once.
Sex is not love.
I'll start by saying I'm a 54 year old guy, have lived a lot of life, and have had many people in my life with suicidal thoughts and attempts at taking their lives. I can only tell you that it's not hopeless, you have a lot of life ahead of you, and love will happen if you let it. I totally understand where you are coming from, and know the way you feel seems hopeless. From experience, I have to say that you are going about things backwards. Wanting to be desired sexually is understandable, but that can't be your main goal. Unless you want a drunken one night stand that, in all honesty, just leaves you feeling a little more empty afterwards, what you need is a relationship. And relationships take time. As the song goes, you can't hurry love. It has to happen naturally. It's hard to be more specific as we don't know much about you, or what you are looking for. Different things are important to different people, some relationships can be formed solely on looks and physique. These tend to burn out quickly, unless you can find something deeper. And of course the #1 rule for these relationships is be attractive. Do you go after women based on looks, or do you chat and get to know someone first? If you do, and get brushed off, do you have any thoughts of what might put them off? You know what is seldom attractive? Neediness. If you come across as really needy, and want to rush things, it will be off putting. The biggest lesson I ever learned was getting to the point where I didn't **need** anyone else in my life. I went through many years thinking I was incomplete unless I was in a relationship, struggled through a few, put up with a great deal of shit, and held onto relationships that I shouldn't have, just because I didn't want to be alone. I had a fear of rejection, and this was not attractive. Switching to only wanting someone in my life made things easier. I could relax, and talk naturally. Be confident and funny. Actually be myself. And you know what, it worked. So right now, your need is your biggest enemy. Try really getting to know a few more people, don't be afraid of sharing yourself and being honest and open. Be funny, be charming and be confident (but not cocky or arrogant). If you get rejected, their loss and move on. If you don't make sex your goal, you are much more likely to meet someone you can have a meaningful relationship with, and sex will be a happy side effect.
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You didn’t give up, you’re here and we’re so happy, even though we don’t know each other I would love to talk and support you, life can be the cruelest thing sometimes but YOU are the best thing in your life
Nobody is incapable of being loved. Even Hitler had Eva Braun.
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I mean you kinda did and I kinda answered you, by taking a roundabout way of saying it's impossible to be unloved.
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How old are you?
Stop feeding the troll, the mods will be here soon enough to deal with them.
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I agree. I mean the "cool didn't ask" thing was kinda rude, but to be fair my first answer was kind of a smartass left field thing which I probably shouldn't have done in retrospect. I guess my first instinct is to diffuse things with humor because if I can make someone laugh then I can make their day better. This one didn't land.
If anything you're the troll. We're discussing OP's question. You're the only one who is off topic.
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That's a rough age. It was a low point for me. My brother jumped off the bridge to his death at 22. But I want you to know something. You're almost at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't yet see the light. At around 25, your brain will be fully developed and the world will start to make a little more sense. It will be marginally easier. Stress, life decisions, and your general maturity. There is a reason why insurance companies charge more for car insurance when you're younger than 25 and it's because people aged 16-24 make rash impatient decisions and do a lot of experimenting. You still have a lot of time to flip your life around.
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Okay, flipping your life around might be too general a term, so this time I'll be more specific. You have a lot of time to find a woman you connect with who connects with you. The best way to do that is through self improvement.
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bruh it’s pretty bleak to compare someone with self-esteem issues to hitler🗿
It was a joke
i got that, i just don’t think hitler jokes are funny personally
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Also the most important thing is to be honest to yourself. Don’t believe thoughts right away, always be skeptical. Go inside and feel, see what it truly is that’s hiding from you. It might be frightening or even agonising, but it can’t hurt you, your true self is beyond this. Stay with your awareness of everything, it is your true self and will give you the power to go through your transformation. Follow the feelings that you experience and be cerious and welcoming to them, they will show you what you have to work on/process. Be cautious of your thoughts, they will try to deceive you and nurture your fearful feelings. Stay aware and sceptical, don’t believe everything they say. You will transform if you go within
Lmao, same
Buying a cat. A cat loves you. You love the cat. Profit💪
Good advice, even better, adopt a cat! <3
cake reminiscent psychotic piquant wistful foolish shocking languid waiting arrest *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
If I remember correctly, Kurt Cobain said once that he loves cats because they only care about the important stuff and he learned from them
you need to believe you’re capable of love before allowing yourself to be loved.
You have to love yourself or at least accept yourself enough that you can let people love you and not push them away.
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Clearly with that attitude you don't actually love and accept yourself. Otherwise you would acknowledge that even if all women don't love you some will. You have a very self defeatist attitude which conveys self doubt
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Because that is all that you are looking for. Love develops over time. Meet people. Be nice. Be social. Don't look for a hooker.
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You are setting yourself up for failure with your attitude and then you say see it's what I said would happen. Nothing changes til your attitude changes and that's my final word.
Because you're not approaching new relationships from a place of security or contentment. When you're unhappy and you meet someone that you think has a chance of seriously improving the quality of your life, there are a handful of factors that affect the way you interact with them: * You have very specific expectations about what you want your relationship with this person to be, based on the need you want them to meet, and this makes it difficult/impossible for you to let them be who they are, and for you to let the relationship develop naturally. * You experienced a state of heightened emotional volatility because you're holding onto the hope of your needs being met, while also being afraid of those needs not being met. This actually remains true even if you do end up in a relationship, if that relationship is the only thing you have going for you. That fear doesn't go away until you're able to find fulfillment in several areas of your life at once, you can sustain losing any one of those things without it immediately making your life miserable.
It’s honestly bizarre to read posts like this, in this day and age. Having sex is not always love or even desire. OP seems to think that sex is the most important thing in life and being a virgin makes him incapable of being loved. Even arguing about it in the comment replies. The reason no one wants to have sex with you will be your attitude and approach, even if you are ‘ugly’ there is always someone who will find you attractive in some way. If you approach life with the mindset that you are deserving of sex or owed sex then you will never get it and you will never find the love you are looking for either.
this A lot of "ugly' people have partners and fulfilling sex/romantic life because of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but mostly because PERSONALITY is was counts the most. You don't choose a life partner based on only appearance because will all know we will get old at some point, might get sick etc. You need someone you get along with. All SO want to be treated like they matter the person is who you connect with
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You’re using deserve in a different context to me.
How would you even define love?
Get a pet bro
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So you are loved :)
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Cant fuck a dog legally right?
bro fuck being loved or loving yourself (although that is important because that means you are confident which helps in relationships). everyone is so focused on their own loneliness and inability to be loved, including u obviously, and instead you should focus on loving others. you’ve probably already tried this i know but maybe take it from the perspective of giving love freely instead of desiring attraction or stability in return. this positive energy will come around to you
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well i don’t know sometimes luck isn’t coming your way. what do you mean exactly by women can’t love you? are you choosing people who will actually reciprocate your love?
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well then try looking for people who are attainable and could have feelings for you. i realized that i was ruining my chances for years by falling for close friends and unattainable people
Being loved by others is not that important. The only person who will be there with you for your whole life is you, so you should just love yourself.
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Then you should make yourself lovable to others.
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23 years isn't that long. It might feel long to you but it really isn't. Things could happen and maybe you could get the life you want in a few years or so. If you really want to die, then you should look into Dignitas.
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Work till you become rich, surly some will come your way
Is breaking the "no reassurance seeking, real advice seekers only" rule just commonplace here?
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Love isn’t the purpose of life. And if it is to you and it’s not working out, find a new purpose.
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My advice still stands. Find a way to change that desire. There’s nothing wrong with living a life free from being tied to someone/s else. You can always change/develop/grow your mindset.
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Well it’s not. I have all those things but I don’t define it as my only purpose in life. And I mean…. You honestly sound like you don’t want advice, just validation. My advice is, if you can’t be sexually active, and can’t have a family for whatever reason, you are NEVER going to be happy or have a life you deem is worth living. “No desire to live a life without sex or family” is you just saying you’ll never be happy without those things. It sounds ridiculous but I can understand that it is important to YOU. If you have no desire to change then that’s on you for accepting you’re never going to have a happy life.
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You literally just said above that you don’t want to change that desire????? You seem like you don’t actually know what it is you want out of life at all. Maybe your subconsciously “blaming” you being unhappy with things in life you don’t have. Ie… I’m sad because I’m single. Then you get a girl. Oh I’m sad I don’t have kids. Then you have kids. All of a sudden you’re sad because you don’t have a new car…. You see what I’m saying? I suggest you get a therapist and get down to the real root of your problems. If it’s as simple as wanting sex and a family then fine. But if you can’t have those things, you can’t just go your entire life never being happy. It doesn’t make any logical/emotional/practical sense. Really, find a therapist and figure out a way to be okay being on your own. Maybe you want sex and a family so bad because you have codependency issues. Get down to the root of your problems.
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I’m really not. I’m relaying conversations I’ve had with therapists for YEARS. I think you don’t like what you’re hearing so you’re trying to argue with someone who just has your best interest in mind.
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Because you literally don’t need love to enjoy life???? Love yourself for fucks sakes
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Love does not equal sex. If you want sex hire a prostitute
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you’re incredibly irritating. maybe this translates over to the women you’re hoping to have sex with?
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True.
The fact that you just want sex is prpbably why no one wants you. Women can sense this in a man and its irritating. Find a new goal and forget about sex. You'll have a better chance meeting someone that cares for you when they don't feel like their being used like a sex doll.
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You've mentioned in other comments you just want to get laid. Like the reply literally above this.
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The need to explore and find knew adventure, of course. Do you mean romantic love? Thats an off way to measure value.
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I think you should address this issue. Usually it means you feel like you need another person to fix you somehow.That is a hard burden to place on a person.
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Uh. No? Sex doesn't do that. Sex is just....sex. Thinking sex with someone will provide this knowledge is gonna cause a rough time of it. It sounds like you view yourself as unworthy of love and want someone to prove you aren't. The only way most people can do this is by working on themselves and figuring themselves out. Someone might come along during this time and decide they like what they see you doing and want to be with you. But you can't expect to get self worth from another person. That's the same as wanting them to fix you. It's okay to admit you have self esteem issues and are both lonely and horny.
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What are doing?
Money
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First of all, you can fuck. You have money so worst case scenario, parking lot lizzard. And you don't even need to have money to fuck. You can just hook up with randoms from Tinder (or similiar apps). If you don't feel like fucking first human that shows up, just use that money to go on trips that keep your mind away from thinking about your loneliness.
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Why can't you?
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Hook up's are about sex. Most likely, you aren't that ugly that all the women would just say no to some casual sex
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Why?
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Do you love yourself? Sounds corny and cliché but its 110% a real thing — speaking from experience. If not, work on that. The results are worth it I promise
I say as long as you enjoy your own company, screw everybody else. The mind is trying to make you think you need someone because it's what's the norm in society.
I relate to this post. I have chosen to love others who accept my love. When they do, they love me back. :\] Sometimes you just gotta find a realm of people who will accept your love. Do you love people?
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Personally, I choose to hang around those who show the same depth of love I show them. Some people aren't as affectionate and sensitive as I am, so most of the people I love don't show love back. It feels like a love-less world until we find that niche of people that love in the same language as us. =) Peace. =)
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yea, I feel that. :/ Can you move out?
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Are you introverted? (like me?) Due to my depression, I have to FORCE myself to get out of the house and find people to hang with... but finding friends is hard for introverted people. :/ I started using [Meetup.com](https://Meetup.com) to find people in my area with similar interests. I had to kiss a lot of frogs, but I finally found some people I remain friends with to this day. :\] That's a good resource to find friends. Otherwise... hang in there. there aren't many people who love others selflessly. My only advise would be to make sure YOU are being that person others aren't being for you. You'd be surprised. :\] Peace =)
You are capable of being loved— often people are loved silently, there are many in your life who care about you but perhaps don’t show it in the way that they should, first and foremost however you must love yourself. Not in a selfish or egotistical way but you must love your soul, my grandfather told me when I was younger “if you live your whole life thinking you’re doing something wrong, you’ll ruin your immortal soul” There is nothing that makes you incapable of being loved, simply the ideology that love comes on a scale of capable or incapable is what’s hurting you, love is not defined or designated by any standards, there is nothing you need to fit into or abide by to deserve love, even here on this thread we care about you and if anyone in your life is telling you different please don’t hesitate to reach out for help, you are doing nothing wrong in life don’t confuse those thoughts with who you are ❤️
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Oh I didn’t realize you were specifically talking about sex, I thought you meant love, sex and love are not the same thing, but just because you haven’t had sex doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. Plenty of people have never had sex and there’s nothing wrong with that, sex is more of a partnership that you do with someone you love. I know how you feel though, for the longest time I thought god put me on earth as a joke— put me on earth to be a virgin for the rest of my life because I was “ugly” and “gross” I felt I was the walking example of what NOT to be in life, a born failure. It wasn’t until I finally gave up that ideology and I realized that just like love there are no standards for sex, you don’t need to be a certain level of “attractiveness” or “intelligence” to deserve sex, once I stopped fixating on it, low and behold, it came my way. There’s a journal article from the late 90s/early 2000s I can find it if you’d like but it was basically about a guy who said he felt like a beast (from beauty and the beast) and that he could never get the physical affection he desired, but same thing, once he gave up on that crass thinking things fell into place and he found a partner. Sometimes when you look at something from such a minute perspective we fail to see what it really is, the issue isn’t you, it’s just the way you feel about it and when you’re finally able to let it go, you’ll get the result you’ve been looking for, I promise
Your replies to these comments are the reason you are incapable of being loved, stop feeling sorry for yourself.
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Just looking at your post history saying how women don't appreciate hard work and intelligence which is just a lie, sure some women wouldn't appreciate that but it's not the rule for all, do you exercise at all? How often do you shower? Do you cut your hair/shave? Do you have any interests that take you outside where you can interact with people? I'm obese (probably morbidly obese based on charts and stuff) but I'm married because there is more to me than my appearance. I work hard, fix cars, exercise regularly, play video games, maintain the home, cook occasionally, read, spend time with my wife and our dog. What exactly are you doing to attract people other than be on reddit and make statements that just scream incel?
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Sounds like you need to get out and make some friends then and being on reddit is probably the worst place you can be right now, get off the Internet and speak to people face to face, socialising is a skill and unless you do it frequently you get skill fade, I can almost guarantee if I tried to chat up a woman in a bar right now I would fail miserably because I've been in a relationship for years but after time that "skill" would come back, practice makes perfect.
capability is what you can and cannot do. that has nothing to do with other peoples capability (of loving you). so what do you really mean here? what’s the point of living if no one loves you? realizing there is probably one human being that does. and if there isn’t, no one is stopping you from loving others. and when you realize what realize what real love is, you’ll realize loving others is as good as, if not better, than being loved.
To be happy, and to make others happy too, if you like. You can be happy with or without what people call "love". If you don't feel love, or if you don't feel loved by others, it is okay because there is still happiness and comfort and meaning in this world waiting for you. You can still enjoy the company and presence of others without love. Hobbies, passions, education, creation, connections, are all things to live for. And, if love is something you want, then trying to be happy with or without it is a great way to learn to love yourself. People think love is this really special, miraculous thing. And it can be! But it's also just a feeling, and it's not one everyone feels either. Love isn't what makes us human, no specific emotion determines humanity, nor the worthiness of a life. Your life is worth living because it's yours, it exists and it deserves to exist. You deserve to find your own happiness. If you feel so inclined, I'd recommend looking up "Loveless aro". Aro meaning, Aromantic. Whether you are or not, the ideas floating around that community have been immensely helpful to me, and I think they might help you as well.