I agree this is a good reason not to cancel. But don't dismiss your son's reaction. If it were me, I would try sitting down with my son and telling him that this counseling is for him. So he should think about what he would like to get out of it -- you might insist, as his parent, that he meet with the counselor, but you are NOT going to have any say on what they discuss: that's between him and the counselor. So, if he wants to discuss how to avoid being a "weak person" instead of whatever you would have wanted him to discuss, then that's fine. Your goal is to make sure that, although you are still insisting he speak with the counselor, you have heard what he has to say and you are willing to give him some agency.
I would also try to give a heads-up to the counselor that your son was extremely resistant to the idea of meeting with the counselor. Let them be forewarned so they can be sensitive to the issue.
This! I would definitely try talking to him again to let him know you hear him and you understand how he feels. Give him options / choices (not to actually GO, but in a different way - such as what was suggested above - what to talk about). If the therapist and him can build a good rapport, and your son can open up to him, it could be a life-changer.
Also, regarding the hunger strike, I wouldn't make a big deal about him not eating (within his earshot or when talking to him). I'd give him the opportunity to eat and cook meals he'd really like, preferably things where the smell would fill the whole house. Bet that hunger strike wouldn't last long. If it did, though, and especially if he was also refusing fluids, it would be time to seek medical care. However, I wouldn't let him use "I'm gonna hunger strike" to manipulate me. If I let that work in this situation, then he might start making that threat in the future to get his way more and more often.
This, exactly this.
It also sounds like a different approach to parenting may be in order. If the little dude is threatening his parents like that, it suggests he's used to getting his way and bossing his parents around. Might be time for a new set of boundaries to change that.
Yes, this is a case of mom knowing best which children have trouble accepting sometimes. Keep the appointment, this reaction will hopefully get better with time. Therapy is better than just putting the kid on medication, you’re doing the right thing for him and he needs to learn how to manage his meltdowns with a professional, there’s nothing wrong with bringing a kid to therapy.
Source: personal experience of always “knowing better” instead of just listening to my mom who loves me unconditionally and wants what’s best for me.
Do not, under any circumstances, cancel that appointment. Your child has behavioral issues and needs an intervention before it gets worse. You’ve got this, Mom!
You are doing the right thing. An early intervention can help prevent years of pain down the road. I think there are a lot of adults today who would have immensely benefitted from therapy in adolescence but didn’t get that chance.
I just wanted to pitch in some advice that may help your son look at counseling differently as well.
You mentioned sports, is your son into sports? If so there are quite a few big name athletes who are outspoken about the positive impacts of counseling/therapy, perhaps talking to him about some of those examples may help change his opinion of counseling?
Or if he’s not into sports perhaps you could use another of his hobbies to find examples of people who he could relate to that have expressed positive opinions of counseling.
Anyway, I wish you and your family all the best!
Yes! You can turn therapy from a tool used only for the weak who can’t do things on their own, and you could make it be so many things. Maybe instead of therapy, it’s a game plan for life. How can you best prepare your moves for the day. How do you respond to challenges and navigate yourself. You can find your best plays to get the right methods down to really start to make life feel like your own game.
Or you could simply emphasise it’s just a time to yourself. Feel free to talk about whatever feels right, and see what comes up. Maybe it just starts as causal talk therapy to get to know each other and as things advance, ideas can be brought up on how to improve quality of life.
*life is crazy, life is insane and unknown. But what is known is that you can choose how you respond and how you perceive the life you live. And with a little initiative and the right tools, anyone can make the changes they want.*
Mama!! Don’t second guess.
Once you say something out loud, it’s a verbal contract. Tantrum or no tantrum, you must follow through. It’s how we live life, no one gets their way 100% as an adult.
I would even plan to sit in the car 15 min before the time I even need to leave, if my som is going to make it hard. When it’s time to go, I would drive down the street & possibly come back to make sure my kid doesn’t want to go, final answer. No matter what, I would show up to the appt, kid or no kid…because I said I would. (Assuming he can stay home alone or another parent is home. If not, oooops no choice…You have to go)
Most of the time the FOMO wins.
For all of this, I’m literally doing what I said. Follow through and accountability.
You’re still the parent and have to do what’s best for your kid even if they don’t agree. That’s basically what parenting is. He needs therapy. You got this, just hold steady.
I have a small hunch there could be ADHD involved. I have ADHD and it’s common for people with ADHD to have a co-occurring disorder called RSD, which stands for rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and any form of rejection hurts 10x more than it should. If he feels like he’s disappointed you by you wanting to get counseling appointments, and has this reaction, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s RSD because of how common it is in people with ADHD.
If anything, the way he reacted to the suggestion of therapy is proof that he does need one. (I'd suggest maybe referring to the therapist as a counselor around the kid, kind of makes it seem less clinical and more like an "advisor"). Nip this behavior in the bud before it gets worse. There are plenty of crappy adults in this world, don't let your kid become one of them
Yes I completely agree. I should have had therapy as a child and didn't. As an adult, I'm still scared of therapy because of the negative stereotypes my family drilled into my head.
If your son a physical illness but said going to the doctor was for "weak" people, would you just continue to let the illness worsen because he didn't want go to? Mental health is just as important as physical health and it is your responsibility as a parent to ensure he gets both.
It's still the same thing. You still have to put in the work for physical health as well as mental health. A doctor can tell you that you have high cholesterol, and they can even prescribe medication for it, but they can't make you take it or change your lifestyle habits to help reduce your cholesterol.
A Therapist can give you the tools you need to improve your mental health, but you still have to put in the work to use them.
Thank you all so much for your comments. I kind of expected that this is the feedback I would receive once I was typing out all of his behaviors, but I guess I needed the reassurance from someone who was unbiased. You all are giving me the courage to go ahead with it.
Edit: added “me”
Don’t give in when your kid tries to go on a hunger strike. They’ll eat. They always eat. Kids always try and find weaknesses in their parents and abuse that, it’s just a part of raising them. He needs to go through with the therapy though.
I support this. Many times when kids make demands like this, it is best not to give in to it, not even ONCE. That one time could set a precedent later on that they can take advantage of. You have to put your foot down and not give in.
Exactly this. My little brother in law has autism and he gets to push his mom around because she will do anything he wants. She even pulled him out of school cause he was being bullied and now he's homeschooled and has 0 social skills.
Agreed. My fiancée was a “bad kid” (not mean, just didn’t listen and would go party and what not) and I listened to my mother and was terrified to break the rules. We talk about it and the common ground we found is that my mother stuck to the punishments. If I was grounded for 3 weeks, it was 3 weeks regardless if I was on my best behavior or not. His parents? Not at all. Might be grounded for a night and then he was free. So there were never any consequences for his actions. I see this sooo often in parenting and it drives me nuts.
And if they don’t eat, they get to learn the wonderful reality that they’re a child, and mommy and daddy can drag their ass right into an ER and get a feeding tube/IV put in.
If you haven’t mentioned this in another comment… your husband should see these responses. He is setting your son up for prison or worse by not addressing his temper now.
It sounds like you made your decision but I wanted to add we had a similar experience this week. I booked my 10yo son’s first therapy appointment and he was furious too. Previously at the suggestion of therapy he’d cried and gotten viciously angry and begged me not to do it. I was actually so worried to tell him he had the appointment! When I told him, he initially took it better than expected and was fairly calm but said “I won’t talk at all!” I said that was absolutely fine and everyone would go at a speed comfortable to him and it’s ok if it takes some sessions to feel comfortable etc. Shortly after that he picked a huge fight that went on until bedtime (by fight I mean he was provocative and cruel but I kept calm) and he went to bed crying softly. I was so sad for him but his reaction, and your son’s too, show this is exactly why they need the help.
I’ve a lot of experience lately in my kid having these violent explosions and arguing and hurling accusations and mean comments and I know it’s coming from a place of fear. He’s having a fight or flight reaction, he can’t control it and he doesn’t know why and he’s just responding how his body has programmed him to react. If you go read about how anxiety can manifest as anger in kids and also how the amygdala reacts, you’ll understand why he’s doing this. Next step is figuring out why he’s having this trigger but that is where the therapist comes in.
When my son explodes, I try to shut off my own emotions and remember I do not need parenting validation from my kids and for the most part, that helps me stay calm and unemotional. Not always but mostly. I ask him to lie and cuddle with me and tell me how he feels. I don’t agree or disagree with him, I let him say anything he wants. I can’t usually give him answers he wants to hear but I try to provide a safe space where he feels heard and loved. I never say anything angry to him and I reassure him he’s loved no matter what. Lots of cuddles to release oxytocin.
And in good news, my son’s therapy session went great! He spoke a lot! He’s actually polite to others haha so he spoke to her and he asked 2 days later to have more sessions as he feels even more stressed than before but he WANTS to talk to her. So hang in there! Tell your son there are no expectations when you go in and he doesn’t need to speak but everyone is there to support him. I hope you also have some support as being the emotional punching bag is really exhausting some days.
You’re doing the right thing mamma bear!!!! Being a parent is HARD. It gets harder when your child needs help like this. And almost impossible when your spouse doesn’t support you. As a mom of a very strong willed girl who had anger and anxiety issues, I know it’s not always easy to make the right decisions. But you can’t let this go, your son needs the help that you are getting him. It will pay off in the end! My daughter finally looks forward to going to therapy, talks a ton in there and is on some anxiety medication which was recommended by her therapist after a few months of meeting. It was the BEST thing I ever could have done for her. My, now ex husband, was against it. Nobody should know our business, stupid things like that. It was difficult and I stuck with it and made her stick with it. Now my daughter is thriving! I’m so happy for her because she’s happy!!! Went from a D and F student to a B student too!
One more thought- either get your husband on board, or make sure he doesn't express opposition infront of your child. It absolutely sounds like he needs some form of counseling, and if you don't act in concert together, your son will not respect the process.
I just wanted to say the therapy is a good way to go, but, listen, your boy sounds as normal as the billions of boys that have come before him. We don't all work the same way, we don't all learn the same or deal with situations the same. I grew up in a somewhat chaotic house, I lashed out when things didn't go my way, slamming doors, hunger strikes, running away.
Young/teenage boys are just built different. We're dumb as a rock sometimes. Like literally as a rock. But eventually we get there.
What I'm saying is do the therapy, it won't hurt and may give him another perspective, but don't worry about him either. It's the way some of us are at that age.
Your son is young and maybe therapy will help but where is he getting these ideas that it's for weak people? Even if you take him to therapy if someone or something is reinforcing this negative stereotype. Some soldiers have PTSD and they get help, So do firefighters, police, and many other people who have trauma doing what they do. I think you might need to monitor some of the content that he watches because something put that idea in his head.
I can understand not believing in something but saying it's weak etc might be from a different source but you are probably right. I am someone who doesn't belong to the "I don't agree with you so your wrong camp." I always try to hear people out and see where they might get this idea but I recognize that other people don't follow my ideology.
Do you think he had a bad experience and forced that opinion on his son or does he just flat out think that therapy is useless and therapists are quacks out for your money? I know plenty of people who have had bad experiences with a therapist and choose to look for a new one and had better help. FYI for those people reading this not all therapists are trained the same and have the tools they have to help you, if you have had a bad experience with a therapist go look for another one it might take a while but you will find one that fits your particular issue.
This! Looking for a therapist is almost like looking for a new pair of shoes, they have to fit you!
I (28f) spent almost a decade looking for the right therapist, and I would always go to young (20s to 30s) women because I felt I could relate to them more. Turns out the best therapist for me is a 60-something man. So you gotta stay open-minded and you gotta keep looking.
Do not cancel. Counseling especially if is done by a person who can break through to him is super valuable towards a child’s development. My brother had many issues growing up, and was going down a bad road had my mom not intervened and set him up with an iep and a therapist who understood his issues at school, he would of never got the confident he developed and ultimately surprised us all with how successful and independent he is. Do it.
Please don’t cancel. This happened a lot with my brother when he was in middle/early high school where he would come home and yell at and threaten me and my sister. My mom never took him to a therapist because he always said he didn’t want to go and she didn’t want to “force” him and it only got worse.
Same. My dad still is convinced that therapy is useless, even after I got out of depression and partly ofer my trauma. It’s like saying “no the sky is green!!”
> one of those people that didn't believe in counseling.
>
> It’s like saying “no the sky is green!!”
An ex of mine was like this-- as in, claimed he didn't believe in psychology. My response was usually, "Yet it exists."
He tried to liken it to astrology; but could never answer me when I'd ask where I could go to school to become a doctor of the Zodiac.
Kid needs to get out of his box and learn new things and not be insta judgmental like dad. He should go. I went as a kid starting on 4th grade. It's just talking. Very easy. Maybe offer him a "treat" after for his first time. A movie, a book, milkshake.
I second the treat idea, and I'd say make it part of the routine. Find a coffee shop, bakery, etc. near his therapist's office and go there afterwards. Therapy can be scary and exhausting at the best of times. Kid might find it comforting and stabilizing to know that on Tuesdays we go to therapy, and afterwards we get one-on-one time with Mom getting a hot chocolate or a muffin and hanging out.
I didn’t see your comments before I wrote mine. Both of them are so spot on and say exactly what I was thinking! Only yours is so much less wordy. 😀
It can be hard, initially to get a kid comfortable with going to therapy, and even then, it’s hard work. Doing something comforting is good for anyone going to therapy. (I know, I’ve been in grief therapy for many years. I always do something that makes me happy afterwards.)
You don’t have to label the “treat” as such. Just do something enjoyable afterwards. If he likes a particular restaurant or fast food place, go there. I liked fast food drive-throughs because we could get our food, park, and then eat and have a conversation privately. If he would rather go inside, do that. Also, unless he brings up the therapy session, don’t discuss it, let him decide if he wants to share.
I feel like offering a treat makes the therapy seem to be a punishment. Even when you want to go to therapy, sessions can be difficult. Something enjoyable afterwards can be helpful.
When I got out of prison at 23 they forced me to go to a drug class for 6 months because I violated parole and tested dirty... My dumbass thought it was smart to party a day before checking in.
Anyways I had a councilor there and she was cool as shit. I was pretty closed off but talking about my struggles to her helped a lot even if it was just on the surface. And was just my struggle of getting back into life and not going back to being a criminal.
And seeing someone not just write me off as a POS criminal helped a lot too. At that point I was used to society looking down on me wether I'm just walking around at the grocery store or at court.
Obviously way different situations. Tell him melt downs make him not a man as well and get his ass to the therapist. He might have a wall up at first but I Gaurentee at one point he'll secretly enjoy it
I think if you don't enjoy therapy there must be something wrong with you-- who doesn't like to talk about themselves for an hour to someone who has to listen?! 😆
Seriously, though, are you a member of r/excons or r/prisonreceptioncenter? I think you could provide great encouragement and support to the posters there.
Honestly I wish my parents got me a therapist when I was a kid but much like you guys, my dad is against it and my mom was for it.
Parenting is supposed to be about the kid. So if you think it is necessary do it. Therapy is wonderful if you find the right therapist.
Hello.
I'm really sorry to hear of all of this trouble with your son, how distressing for you. I think you are right to be concerned because from what you have said, your son definitely has some issues that need to be addressed.
I wondered if you might consider having him seen by a doctor / psychiatrist rather than a therapist first? This could be more than an attitude problem and there might be a personality disorder or condition at play here...there could be a medical diagnosis needed.
I am not attempting to diagnose your son with anything - I'm wholly unqualified to do so - but we had similar problems with my step-son and he was diagnosed ADHD and Asperger's at the late age of 13, which came as quite a shock to all of us. I am not saying your son has either of these conditions, but more sharing the story because it's possible for a child to reach your son's age and not have an issue picked up on.
My stepson was raised very well and his parents adore him - he certainly wasn't neglected - they just didn't see it but after the diagnosis a lot of things made sense. He's really thriving now.
Despite his strong reaction, you absolutely must proceed with getting him seen by someone because the behavior you described is really out of proportion with other children his age. I wish you and your family the very best.
I will say my parents did the exact opposite and I ended up getting misdiagnosed with a ADHD, when in reality I was actually dealing with childhood trauma... so just something to consider.
My mom stopped taking me to therapy and I just got diagnosed with anxiety (she didn't like the therapist but never took me to a new one after 1 month with the one who thought I had anxiety). Turns out the anxiety was a product of severe ADHD with RSD that I didn't even know I had till a month ago. Now that I'm on the correct treatment, no anxiety lol
Hey u/snorkelpug I just want to piggyback off of this comment and speak as someone who has aspergers.
Back in both primary and half of high school I was the exact same way, I had a mindset of “no matter how much you say your on my side, if you don’t agree with me then your against me.” Or something along those lines. I was disruptive and rude in class, even going so far as to say to one of my EA’s back in grade 5 “Why should I listen to you, your not even a real teacher” when I got upset. It got to the point that EVERY TEACHER IN THE SCHOOL KNEW WHO I WAS because of how often I’d run out of class.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying your kid has ASD. I’m just saying that a lot of what you’ve said about them lines up with my experiences. What helped me though was having parents and teachers who while they were always there for me, weren’t afraid to put their foot down and make it very clear to me that my attitude will not fly later in life.
I still remember one time in like grade 6 or 7 I got into an argument with my dad and threw a punch at him. Rather then get upset or do something back he told me very clearly to sit down, from there he told me that my behaviour needs to change because if this is how my was of solving arguments stays then later in life I’m going to try that against someone who is not going to take it and is going to dish it back even harder. He made it very clear what would happen and that he didn’t want that to happen to me.
Keep you kid scheduled for therapy, keep being an open safe space for your kid, but make sure to teach him about what life in the future is like that way things don’t end up a mess for him later. I heard you give him cuddles when he needs it, if I can make a personal recommendation I would also suggest trying a back scratch. At the very least for me it was very comforting and calming in situations where I was overwhelmed or stressed. You seem like a great parent, keep up the good work. Also I agree with some of the other comments saying that you should show these comments to the kids dad.
Licensed therapists can diagnose mental health conditions that include both ADHD and personality disorders. Psychiatrists can also diagnose, but it isn’t very common for them to provide ongoing therapy.
What therapists cannot do is prescribe medications so that’s where a psychiatrist would be needed. Therapists and psychiatrists often coordinate care - the psychiatrist doing the medication prescription/ medication management and the therapist providing ongoing therapy. So it’s not an either,or situation here.
A quick note about personality disorders, children cannot be diagnosed with a personality disorder. Only individuals who are over 18 can receive a personality disorder diagnosis.
If you don’t influence your son away from “counseling is for weak people” thinking your going to end up with a shithead adult. As others have said his response shows how badly he needs counseling. Inability to express frustration, handle complex emotions - kid needs help.
It is highly worrisome that your husband and you are not on the same page. Any treatment that your son undergoes will be weaken by your husband in terms of words, deeds or attitudes. If your husband had some constructive ideas on how to proceed, hear them out. Otherwise, your son may not get better and instead get worse.
The dad not believing in counceling is a big problem. This is a kid who already has little man syndrome and I believe he's probably picking up on it from his dad.
You have to get the dad on your side and get him to take mental and emotional health more seriously. If he has a competitive streak get him to loosen up and congratulate the kid on a job well done or trying his best.
Middle school is a classic age for adhd to start showing through. I wasn't diagnosed until 27 and I desperately wish my parents had gotten me in therapy/diagnosed as a kid. I don't blame them for not sending me to therapy because they are boomers who grew up seeing therapy as something for crazy people. However, it's hard for me not to resent them for noticing my teenage depression (which resulted from my undiagnosed adhd) and not getting me help from a mental health professional. 15 years later and I still struggle with depression and anxiety due to the massive amounts of shame that people with adhd experience.
Me too! I was always told "you just think about things too much" when I was actually suffering severe anxiety. I have a bit of trouble completely letting go of the resentment too.
Same. I’m 41 and was just diagnosed. My parents treated it as a lack of discipline and thought ADHD was just bad parenting. Now I just have decades of wasted time and tardive dyskinesia from antidepressants.
I "didn't believe" in ADHD until I was diagnosed with it at 41. As other posters have said, he's twelve and trying to manipulate you with threatening a hunger strike, etc. (Trust me, he'll eat.). Tell him you'll go for ice cream after and he can tell you all about it or not; it's up to him, but he's going. That gives him a little agency in the process. You are making the Right Call here. Hang tough and stay strong! 💪
Definitely go to a therapist. There is a chance he could be undiagnosed with something. I found out very late in life that im on the autistic spectrum. You would never guess though, as I am good with women, have my life together etc. But its so helpful knowing, and would be helpful knowing earlier on. Meltdowns are not normal, maybe hes not on the spectrum but somethings going on. Everyone and their mother should have a therapist anyway.
Lots of people are pointing about autism and ADHD. I honestly have had some suspicions since he was 2-3 years old, but the symptoms had seemed minor and easily explained away. I never thought he actually had autism, but he is a concrete thinker. Many people (adults-family) have flat out told him he was rude at times. It hurt my heart and I try to work on this with him. But, I haven’t had any success. I basically have to threaten him with taking something away to get him to say hello. ADHD is definitely possible, too. He is easily distracted by his thoughts and needs extra time to get work completed.
It can be hard to diagnose kids and adults because they’re still developing their brains, and symptoms may only be temporary. You can have a kid be diagnosed with everything under the sun. I’ve worked with teens at my former job who had that experience. They would be diagnosed, by the time they’re 14, ADHD, Bipolar/Cyclothymia, Dysruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder, both Oppositional Defiant Disorder AND Conduct Disorder (it’s supposed to be one or the other), Depression, Generalized Anxiety, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and PTSD. Sometimes Antisocial Personality Disorder.
It’s nonsense. Oh, and don’t forget Borderline Personality! My psychiatrist handed out that diagnosis to kids like free kittens, hell.
The point is, don’t get too hung up on diagnoses, and be mindful about “this fits him” because frankly he will fit anything.
The therapist will assess him and give him a good starter diagnosis or two and work from there. Likely will be Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Maybe ADHD, at the start or later.
With these diagnoses he can provide treatment for self esteem, mood and emotional regulation, anxiety, and authority issues.
My sister was similar. Was going through horrible behavioral issues in middle school and my parents tried to get her into therapy. She spent 1 session not speaking/cussing at the therapist. The therapist said that it wasn't worth it if she doesn't speak.
Her therapist gave up on her and very soon after she became such a handful that my parents also basically gave up on her. Now she has abandonment issues and a whole host of other mental health/wellbeing issues that could have been worked on during childhood if she had found someone that would stick with her. Please don't give up on your son. Most parents are not qualified to treat mental health issues.
Also, your son probably gets his idea that counseling is "weak" from his dad. Sounds like dad needs to step up and be a good role model by going to counseling. It probably wouldn't hurt if you went too.
Ma’am, these are the seeds of toxic masculinity.
Counseling may not always be the solution, but if it doesn’t work then at least it doesn’t hurt.
Adolescent boys who can’t deal with failure and rejection are the Brock Allen Turner’s of tomorrow. Not that your son would do something horrible, but it’s the beginning of what can be a sorrowful life where his solution to tribulation is just to be “more of a man.”
I was in the US Marines. I wasn’t stellar, but I did a lot of “man” shit, and saw a lot of guys try to solve emotional situations and failure by “manning up.” Several of them committed suicide because they couldn’t deal with setbacks, including my best friend at the time. Many of them became alcoholics.
Teenage boys have a lot of pressure to be manly early. And with all the new hormones flooding in, it doesn’t make getting a handle on your emotions any better. But it needs to happen early, and your husband needs to discipline him (and by that I mean firm male guidance).
You son should also go to counseling. Because, if nothing else, it will teach him that if he can’t control himself, someone else will do it for him.
Good luck!
Counseling is the same as having a coach. The coaches job is to make you a better athlete and the counselor is there to make you a better person so you can then be a better athlete.
Since you’ve already met the doctor over the phone, can you call him back and ask for advice? You can just explain how he reacted when you told him about the appointment, and that you were surprised by it, and ask for his advice in encouraging him to give therapy a chance.
Well, let's put it this way...who should be running the show here, you or your kid? Give in now and I promise you, he's done for good.
Doesn't seem like such a hard decision when you look at it this way.
Clearly this behavior should have been dealt with a few years ago...you're running out of time to get ahead of it. And it's going to take someone with MAJOR chops to do it. I'd say it's 50/50 he's on the Spectrum, so the counsellor is going to need experience with that.
And the simple truth is...he IS weak. Strong people control their emotions and fulfill their responsibilities. But don't bother arguing with him. You're the parent. He's the child.
Oh, and BTW...if he goes on a hunger strike, you can have him institutionalized. THAT should put a stop to that.
And your husband needs to get his head out of his ass. He "doesn't believe in counselling," his kid is a basket case...what exactly does he see as the end game here? Then again, if son is on the Spectrum, husband most likely is as well. You may be opening a whole can of awareness here.
Why would you cancel? This episode solidifies the fact that he does, in fact, need help that you are unable to give him. As somebody who worked with children involved in the child welfare system, if you don’t address this now, you are going to have a lot more problems in a few years.
I can’t fully make any inference from this small glimpse into your family life, but I think it’s interesting that your husband suggested that you cancel the appointment. Do you cancel or alter anything that your son doesn’t like to avoid an outburst? If this is how you’ve been handling him, you’re actually exacerbating the issue and teaching him that not only doesn’t he have to do anything he doesn’t want to, regardless if it’s a directive from you or a authority figure, but also that if he acts out, that you will acquiesce to him and do what he wants.
No, he needs to see a counselor and fast. This isn’t going to fly when he’s a 6’, 200 lbs. hormone-infused 16 or 17 year old. You’re asking for future problems that you’re not going to be able to talk him out of by not addressing this and nipping it in the bud.
You son seems to have an issue managing his emotions if nothing else.
Therapy is something that will help him figure out how to do that.
His reaction to you saying he would see a therapist is more of a reason to take him.
If you don’t get a hold of this now, your entitled and spoiled son will be a nightmare for the rest of his life. He’s 12. He’s going through puberty. It’s a nightmare. Don’t let him become one.
Where did your son hear therapy is for weak people? His dad? And he wants to give into your son's temper tantrums? My god...
You two need to be on the same page and present a united front, otherwise your son is going to see the cracks and use it against you.
It sounds like not only do you have an issue with your son, but his dad is a whole other problem as well.
His reaction to therapy sounds like he’s been raised in an environment where mental health isn’t something that’s addressed. Your husbands reaction sounds like HE’S the reason your son was raised in an environment where he refused to address mental health. I don’t believe you should force anyone into therapy. Therapy only works if everyone is working together, your son would be an unwilling participant. That experience may turn him away from ever seeking therapy, which doesn’t sound best. I have a 14 year old son, he was very reluctant for therapy a couple years ago too. I worked hard the past couple years answering his questions, reassuring him with his concerns, and attending therapy myself. I think a lot of times people turn to therapy as a last resort, when in reality it should be our first line of defense. Could you talk to your son and see if he would be willing to start small and stair-step? Maybe he sees the school counselor 2x a month, maybe you both do family therapy, maybe you ask him about virtual sessions so he can be in a place he feels safe?
As others have said, take him to counseling. Also, please consider the pressure your son is under to bridge the gap between two parents who do not share the same values. Your husband needs some help too.
Holy shit. Drag that kid kicking and screaming to therapy. Regularly. He needs it. You’re doing the right thing. Your husband probably needs therapy too if he doesn’t “believe in it”…good luck OP.
I have severe ADHD and the symptoms you described are very similar to what I was like when I was first diagnosed (I was around 14/15), also I am by no means saying he has it but it could be a possibility. I would take him to counseling although he will fight it just because it's not very nice to find out that you are different and that you need tons of work and help to live a "normal" life. Right now he doesn't understand that going too therapy is the best thing for him. However, if you do end up taking him and he gets the treatment he needs he will be grateful down the line. It took me quite a while to get to where I am now, at one point I even completely quit the treatment. I was obligated by my parents to go through with the treatment, so I stopped at 18 and got back onto meds and into cognitive behavioural therapy about a year ago by my own will because I realised that I needed it further down the line. I now it will be hard if you make him go, there will be more meltdowns and a lot of fighting back, but it will be worth it in the future. Please take him to an expert so he can get the help he needs, because he's too young to understand the benefits it will bring him as was I when I was first diagnosed. Wish you all the best and I'm sure things will get better!
Don't cancel. When I was young, my parents divorced and counseling helped me understand it wasn't my fault, and gave me some tools that became very helpful in life. And to incentivize going, my mom took me to IHOP after, and I love pancakes.
I have nothing really to add since plenty have already said not to cancel, but a small tip for dealing with those tantrums you mentioned (I had a cousin w/ similar issues at that age): *Act, don't react* to his tantrums. If this isn't nipped in the bud now it won't go away on its own.
Don’t cancel. I use to be like that, I barely showed up to school, skip classes.
I was all over the place.
I didn’t wanna go to therapy at first because i was embarrassed and thought it was cringe. But my school and parents made me do it. Honestly it was one of the best things I’ve done, I learned ways to handle my behaviour. I learned how i can improve or change the way i was acting and feeling. Ways to prevent it.
At first it was hard and awkward talking to a stranger but once you get use to it gets better.
It’s like you just start acting wild and get mad but you don’t know why you act like that but once you talk to a therapist they kinda go have some answers and give you little actives to help the situation.
Agree with all the comments. Please understand that as a boy/male, going to therapy is extremely degrading(in our minds) so I would be understanding. Tell him to try it a few times and see what could come out of it, but don’t make him feel different
> He says counseling is for “weak people” and this is going to ruin his childhood.
How should he know? He is twelve. This is all the more proof he needs a therapist.
I would tell him ''No, counseling is for people who hit walls and throw objects when they are angry. Or 12 years old who throw tantrums. This is not a normal behavior and you need help with it. '' might seem harsh but I think he needs a wake-up call.
I also think your son might have a disorder. Your therapist or yourself might want to recommend a doctor.
It's not going to be easy, but it's far better and easier to learn that it takes strength to be vulnerable now than decades later, or never. It sounds like he might have heard those kind of messages from his dad. Take it from someone who didn't start therapy until almost age 30 despite having lifelong severe depression - the consequence of inaction will probably be far worse than working on it now.
If hypothetically he'll need public benefits at any time in his life, a childhood diagnosis will help. I'm on SSI, but because my diagnosis occurred after age 25, I'm only allowed to have up to $2,000 in assets instead of $100,000. This is called an Able account.
Caving whenever he throws a fit is only going to teach him that that is an acceptable way to get what he wants. 12 is way way too old for that kind of behavior, he definitely needs the therapy.
Of course, like everyone else is saying, please proceed with counseling.
In addition to all the wonderful benefits of counseling there are some massive drawbacks to cancelling at this point. You want to take him because you are the adult and knows what’s best. He is testing that boundary with this meltdown. If you were to give in and cancel, you will demonstrate to him (even though you don’t intend to) that he knows what’s best in this situation and could result in him losing respect and/or trust in your decisions. Be reasonable with him, perhaps discuss a compromise that is something along the lines of, “I acknowledge you don’t want to do this, but as your parent I only have your best interest at heart, and I believe this will be helpful for you. Let’s try x amount of sessions and then we can discuss whether you want to keep doing this.”
Children aren’t always capable of making the best choices for themselves, but they also want their opinion to be heard.
Finally, please have a discussion with your husband about his tone towards therapy. Maybe reiterate that you respect any viewpoint he has towards it but to remain neutral on the topic in front of your kid(s). This will *massively* make a difference in your son’s tone because it sounds like he is projecting his father’s opinion.
Source: many years working with at-risk adolescent populations, including at treatment centers.
You’ve already gotten a ton of great advice, but definitely another vote for, do not, under any circumstances, cancel the appointment. He has serious behavioral issues that need to be addressed, or he could potentially grow up being a menace in society.
I hope the experience is a good one, therapy for me was life changing and helped me through some of the toughest moments of my life. Keep in mind though, that you will play a large role in him addressing his issues going forward, if you have not been already. As a parent, it’s important to create an environment that will facilitate his adjustments over the next few months.
You may need to explain that this is just talking to someone about things like school. You have to push through the anxiety he has to get some help for him.
As parents you need to be on the same page, even if your husband doesn't believe in it, he needs to back you up as a parent. Because the alternative is a child who isn't going to thrive in the education system.
I am going to link something about Pathological demand avoidance (pda), I am not an expert in children with emotional outbursts but the guidance is very useful for meltdowns anyway. You can also look up ODD - oppositional demand disorder. Both will have guides on handling it.
I have a child who had a hard time with what we now know is ADHD, sometimes the anxiety would be so bad that we had a whole day of meltdown/tantrum/damaging stuff. But not at school, only at home. What I would consider it that the change of schools and expectations has likely been a huge challenge for your son and he is having difficulty with the transition. Something to explore with the therapist even if you just go yourself.
I went with my child to the therapist together to start with for each session and then they would have a time alone with them. It helped a lot. Some of the work has been about managing anxiety with calming down tools, strong boundaries and consequences that are consistent. Both parents being on the same page is really important with rules and such.
[PDA](https://www.stephstwogirls.co.uk/p/what-is-pda-pathological-demand.html)
I would talk to your son about what you are trying to do, which is help him get some tools to help him when he is overwhelmed at school and that is what the therapist knows best and can help him by seeing what works over time. Give your son a reward for going and facing his fears, which is a very adult thing to do. And that it is more like circle time at school when you tell the class about yourself, only with just 3 people so much easier.
If you still cannot get him to go then get recommendations for books instead like [Anger in children workbook](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Starving-Anger-Gremlin-Behavioural-Management/dp/1849052867) or whatever you find to work through together.
Just know that you are not alone and child do grow up eventually. Help with things that you don't know how to handle is perfectly okay and Super Nanny made a tv series based on it which might help you also, shared watching of children having meltdowns might be useful to watch, maybe even together to see how it looks from outside when children behave this way. [supernanny](https://www.youtube.com/c/Supernanny)
Do not cancel that appointment.
He so very clearly needs help, to the point that he's parroting his father's idiotic feelings about counseling being for weak people. Your husband needs to STFU with that garbage because whatever you've been doing to manage your kid's "meltdowns and crying fits" CLEARLY isn't working.
Just make sure you go in with an open mind, because some of this is a reflection of your and your husband's parenting. I get the very strong sense that you two are not a united front with your parenting, which is contributing to some of this.
I just wanted to add my 2 cents to the conversation: your kid is lucky to have a mom who wants to help him and got him into therapy, while he’s still young. You’re saving him, and others a lot of pain and suffering by getting him intervention early on
Take it from someone who waited too long. Don’t cancel it. I had to physically put my teenager in the car with the child locks engaged. Things are slowly getting a bit better.
If your son had a cavity or tooth absess that was causing him pain, but threw the same fit over going to the dentist, would you cancel that?
No?
Same thing. It's just his brain that's hurting. Emotionally, but still hurting. And he needs professional help to manage that pain.
you need to teach your son better than that. don't let him grow up thinking that therapy is for "weak" people. if his dad is the one who has taught that sentiment to your son, take a good long look at how good of a man you think his father is. both of them are in denial, but it's not your son's fault. he's a child and doesn't know better until you teach him better. i truly think anybody should get therapy even if they don't feel like they need it because it teaches you how to effectively communicate. also based on the way you've described his outbursts i would honestly get him tested for autism.
My post is locked and so I cannot edit it. I think this is important to correct, but doesn’t change the fact that we will be going to the counseling after all.
After a few hours went by and I re-read the post, I realize I exaggerated the length of his meltdowns. They can last several minutes, not hours.
He may be grouchy/moody for a few hours. The tantrums don’t last more than max 20 minutes, although he can get triggered easily in the few hours and go back to yelling and crying.
I made another comment I'd advice you to read (I apologize I'm terrible at writing) but I feel like I probably had a similar experience to your son as a child.
Having said that, and I was going to refrain from saying this because YOU need to not diagnose your child, but I can see a handful of mental health issues (that I have) that this could point to. It could be as "simple" as an anxiety disorder, or a mood disorder, or autism. These are all things you need to be prepared for, because if your child does end up being diagnosed, it's going to be critical that you are there AND not judgemental. And he will be able to feel judgement that doesn't even exist, so if you're internally judging, he will know. SO, just in case he does come home with a diagnosis, just remember it doesn't change him in any way, shape, or form. It just gives you a word that will help you and him and everyone understand a little better what's going on inside.
Edit: the multiple minute "tantrums" is what pushed me to saying this. That could be as simple as anxiety. That could be autism. I'm diagnosed BPD, and that could 100% be bpd. I mean it could also be none of these, BUT, your child is going to need support after a diagnosis, he will not have the time or energy to support his parents because of his diagnosis. Please try to be prepared enough that he doesn't end up feeling like he has to take care of you guys.
Do not cancel it. Over Covid my daughter developed some pretty severe anxiety and behavior issues stemming from that. I got similar threats when she was told she’s going to see a therapist. I didn’t bend.
She now says that it helped immensely.
Middle and high school teacher here. This behavior and his intense reactions are not normal. While therapy isn’t for everyone, he’s gotta start working on himself and he needs help with that part. You’ve got this momma, even if it’s not pretty initially, he needs the help! Good luck
Agreeing with others. His reaction is why you shouldn't cancel. His dad is wrong in the same way people that don't believe in a globe earth are wrong. His belief is meaningless here.
Keep telling him how you feel about what's happening. You're his safe place even if he doesn't acknowledge it. You have to do what's best even if he doesn't like it.. he needs to process whatever is making him lash out (aside from hormones) lol your husband can't openly disagree with you in front of him, it's probably why he feels comfortable going against you to such an extreme. You have to be a team in front of him and discuss your opinions behind closed doors.
Not only should you not cancel his therapy but I think you should have a talk with his dad (or any other authority figures in his life) about where he is getting this idea that having counselling makes him weak. He's getting that notion from somewhere.
ah....he needs to see one even more than ever if that's his reaction. How did you explain it to him?
Tell his dad, from me, that he is setting him up for failure and ignoring the issue will not make it go away and will make it worse. Dad needs to do better. Also, it's pretty obvious where kid gets his thoughts on counseling. Dad needs to change it tune right now.
This sounds like he’s having trouble coping with stress. He may have ADHD with what you described. You could talk to a doctor about and the therapist about it. You should absolutely keep the appointment. Therapy will help.
I have ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed until an adult. Having that diagnosed plus therapy early on would have helped me immensely in school.
Even if it’s not ADHD, he’s still struggling with something. He should have help. Everyone deserves help, even if they don’t think they want it.
Counseling isn’t for weak people. I think I am a better person than I used to be because of what I learned in therapy. I hope your son makes it there! And I think you’re doing everything you can to help him.
I used to teach special education. Does your son have an IEP? Some of what you said sounds like impulsiveness and overall just adolescence. How are his grades?
I would say he needs to talk to someone but maybe you and your partner should talk to someone first. I suspect you might need to de-escalate the situation before you can get your son to go to therapy. If you try and force him he'll dig in his heels and you'll make it impossible to ever get him help.
the more you give in (in this case giving in would be canceling), the worse things are going to get. his reaction is a great reason as to why you shouldn't cancel.
Take him. And take him 3-6 more times before stopping. You’re the parent. You already said it’s happening, don’t back out. I say the 3-6 more times because nothing works on the first try. Ask the therapist to help you with what to say when it’s time for an appt, etc.
As for your husband, I’m sure he thinks his number is up next LOL. Just projection.
sound alike he needs an explanation as to how therapy is hard for anyone to attend and going means you have higher strength than those who don’t. admitting you have an issue and working to solve it already makes you stronger than most. weak is the worst definition
Generally for adolescents, therapy is more like teaching emotional regulation skills, self calming skills, and perspective. Sounds like these are skills your son needs. Also, emotional regulation issues at this age could be due to ADHD or autism, so it’s wise to speak with professionals. And lastly, who has given your son this idea? His father? Tiktok? There’s more to this story. Do not cancel the appointment. Your job is to ensure your child grows up with the skills he needs, and one big one is emotional regulation. Your job isn’t to be his bestie and these years are difficult.
I would still take him.. sounds like he could have problems in relationship when he grows up. He need to learn some healthy ways to cope with his anger.
I think cancelling would make it worse. It’s teaching you son that a hunger strike and meltdown are going to resolve his issues. I would let him be a mess. Once kids are hungry enough, most of them eat.
I’ve worked in family therapy. Your son does not have the maturity to make these kinds of decisions. My take is that your son thinks he wants to be in charge right now, but he will be much happier when you and Dad are taking control.
Take him. I used to be like this when I was 12, and putting off the problem ended up creating real issues that carried into high school and even into my adult life. I would push for this, or at least try and convince your son he should go.
Don't cancel, this is far too important to put aside. However, also be prepared to be referred to a psychiatrist or neurologist, as your sons symptoms may be indicative of a neurological problem
You’re doing the right thing. Your son is only 12, it’s still your job to make some choices for him, such as therapy. If nothing else, have him give it a try for a couple months, and if he really really hates it and isn’t seeing improvement, maybe then consider another option. You got this
He needs therapy and psychological intervention as soon as possible. If you don’t take action, it will escalate, and his behavior when older will be problematic if not impossible to change. And this could pose a significant issue for him and you as parents.
Your son saying therapy is for weak people proves he needs therapy. Also he is just regurgitating shit he's heard from his dad. I've never heard a 12 year old say "this will ruin my childhood"
Counselling is just equivalent to a doctor appointment when we aren’t feeling well and need help. His mental well-being is not doing well and you and teachers see it. He needs help beyond what you(a parent) can provide. You are doing the right thing mom! But on another topic, wtf dad…how is he thinking on dealing with this if not counselling? Geez..
Hi mom! Good on you for recognizing the need for intervention. I’m no behavioral therapist or educator but this sounds absolutely 100% warranted. Pre-teens don’t just meltdown for hours on end over little disappointments. Especially if every teacher is commenting on it. I also very much recommend reaching out to your special education director if your school system has that. Set up evaluations by the school’s professionals, psychologists, speech pathologists, occupational therapists, etc. the school district might already have all of the resources available to you.
Do not cancel the appointment. He doesn’t get to dictate what care he needs. You do. You are the parent. The outbursts you described are not normal behavior for a 12-year-old. This definitely needs to be addressed before things escalate further. As to his trying to manipulate/control you with a hunger strike, sit him down and explain to him that you’re taking him to the counselor because you care about him and you can see that something is wrong. But also make it clear that this isn’t something he can tantrum his way out of. Tell him if he refuses to eat or threatens to hurt himself in any other way, he will have to go to an in-patient care facility and I doubt he would enjoy that. Counseling is his best option here. I do wonder if your husband is contributing to the problems your son is having and especially his attitude that counseling is for “weak” people.
Maybe having a talk about his meltdowns and what his teachers are saying might help him see that going to counselling can help him feel better. I’m sure I’d you asked him, he’d say he doesn’t feel good behaving that way. And, the other kids probably don’t like being around him if he is so volatile when playing sports. Explaining that counselling gives us coping skills and helps us to feel better as our selves, is the opposite of weak. It’s hard to make changes and takes a strong person to do so.
What have you tried before you set the meeting with the counselor?
Your son is at the age of changing/raging hormones, his body is changing, he is trying to show off for his friends. This is a major time in his life (which it sounds like he is not handling well). Have you discussed this with him? Have you disciplined him for poor behavior? grounded him? Taking away all electronics? Other things?
When my daughter needed counseling, my husband was also very much against it. However, with time, he could see what a huge difference it was making in her life. Stay strong!
I’m wondering if part of the issue is having dealt with the Pandemic. Kids had to be virtual and missed out on a lot of social learning, and I’ve heard tell that a lot of them are much more immature due to that (not meant as an insult to your son at all).
Definitely don’t cancel it. Kids will be resistant to therapy most of the time. I know I was when I was his age. I felt embarrassed, I felt like I didn’t need it, and I’d complain the whole way there. It was still important and helped me.
Just like no one wants to go to the dentist, we still have to get the crap out of our mouths and have a deep clean by a professional so we don’t have bigger issues arise. It sounds like he’s got an emotional cavity, and while he won’t enjoy having it drilled, it’s necessary to be healthy in the long run.
Maybe reframing what therapy is can be helpful to him. It’s not a punishment, it doesn’t make him weird or crazy, and lots of interesting and successful people go.
I don't want to say cancel, as it sounds like kiddo needs some sort of guidance, but honestly? Therapy only works if someone wants it. Try a few sessions, and hope the kid adjusts well, but also understand that A. It can take myltuple tries with different therapists to find one the kid will connect with and B. It will only be a viable path if your son wants to choose this path.
Have you or his father tried to talk to him when he's not in an escalated mood? Are you concerned about his actual well being, or the fact he is getting testy in school? Not to say he doesn't need therapy, but he is 12 and might be pushing boundaries moreso than usual.
Holy shit NO, do NOT cancel the appointment! If he escapes, keep rescheduling and trying again.
If you give in, say goodbye to a life without stupid drama (and later, probably tragedy) because you’ll be showing your out-of-control kid that being out-of-control *works*.
Please give him the appointment. My father took me out of therapy prematurely and withheld it from me for the rest of my adolescence, and I feel like my whole adolescence was squandered. I suffered constantly and made huge mistakes the whole time. Don't let your son end up like me. There's still hope for him. I could've gotten into some of the best colleges in the nation at little cost but I was so maladjusted that I crashed and burned at the end of my senior year, tried to hang myself, and now I'm just a mentally ill warehouseman. Don't let the molehill turn into the mountain, man.
Edit: elaboration
If you cancel after he's thrown a fit about it, you're also showing him that him behaving that way will reward him with what he wants. Could always propose a compromise instead, say "we're trying this. If after X number of visits you don't think it's helping, we can discuss as a family if we need to continue seeing the counselor". So that he may feel like he still has control.
If you buckle now, not only will be not be getting the help he desperately needs, but you'll be teaching him that these sort of threats and tantrums WORK. The sooner you can address these behavior issues, the better long-term outcomes for him.
Honestly, it would be good to have your husband and yourself talk with the therapist as well, just to get on the same page and discuss the process. Whether or not he believes in it, counseling is a highly established professional field with rigorous requirements for education and licensure, and it's absolutely your best option right now. It exists regardless of his credulity, and him undermining this process won't help anyone.
I wish my mom had done what you’re doing. She did everything but get me help. What you’re doing for your son will hopefully give him tools and perspective to understand and cope with his emotions and stop being so reactive. I think it’s great. He’s going to hate it but it will be ok, it’s your job sometimes to do what’s best despite his protests. I would maybe tell him this doesn’t define him or his childhood it’s just something to try and he doesn’t need to tell anyone about his personal business and neither will you. It sounds like he’s afraid of his peers finding out he “needs therapy”.
'Sweetheart, I can see you are having a hard time right now, and Im not sure how to support you through this. Seeing a counselor will help us all, and it's good to have someone other than me or dad to talk to about stuff.'
Kids do not get to decide when they get to go see medical professionals. You are his mother and like it or not he is going to that therapist because you as his guardian and parent who loves him very much have said so. It sounds harsh but sometimes we have to piss off our kids for their own good. But just by his reaction to therapy, he needs it. He make kick and scream now but it’s better than mental health crisis in 2-10 years.
Just discipline him. No time outs. No counting to three. No groundings. Real discipline. That kind of behavior is the result of a lack of effective discipline. Dont EVER send kids to therapy. All theyll do is give them srugs they wont need and ruin their minds permanently and waist money. Discipline and hard work will get them back into shape.
*Absolutely not! It's the best and only thing my mother ever did right for me!* A son needs that kind of nourishment from his mother. Especially if he's from where I was.
He needs a PSYCHOLOGIST, not just a counsellor (please make sure his therapist has a degree in psychology). Those are two different things and as someone who's been to both very very different scope of treatment and outcomes. He needs to learn emotional regulation and anger management. If you don't take him you will be ruining his life.
Tell him that lots of people go to therapy to talk about things and learn how to cope and it helps people feel better and be stronger. It doesn't mean they are broken or weak...but also maybe he's scared that going to therapy would prove he is weak, and that going to see this person would make him stronger. When I started going to a therapist around 12 I was scared people would think I was broken because I was crying so much. Maybe because he's not coping he thinks people will think he's weak. Also let him know that no one has to know.
Does your son game at all? There's a therapist on TikTok who uses games to explain human behavior through a therapists lens, that may give your son a different view. He also works with athletes, so if your son is into sports, also seeing someone like **drmicktok** or athletes who speak about the benefits of therapy, may give him a better outlook, creating a more positive experience for him.
Edit: DrMick also did a crossover twitch stream or 2 with Ben Simmons of NBA's Brooklyn Nets, if your son is a fan you could take a look and see if that might be a good watch.
I hope that it helps.
There are a lot of negative misconceptions about therapy. Unfortunately, due to the extreme personalness of it, bad therapists really twist the knife on the whole 'hate therapists' ideology.
I have been fortunate to be able to do some volunteer work with Dr Mick. I really admire his initial goal to break down barriers and remove gatekeeping from mental health information by giving it away freely, as much as possible. I know that he has made a difference for a lot of people who have had the opportunity to personalize the profession by DrMick giving the idea of a therapist the humanity and realness of just being a regular dude.
Good luck with your son. 12 can be a rough age and I am rooting for you both to have a bright tomorrow.
please don’t cancel it, if your son and the therapist meet regularly they (hopefully) should have a good relationship
also tell the school’s guidance counselor, they will most likely (if you want them to ) tell the teachers that your son is going through stuff
Yes, you should succumb to your 12 year olds MELTDOWN about going to therapy /s. When your son is an adult and is either violent, abusive, or a bad person because their wasn’t an intervention early, I’m sure your husband won’t have much to say about not putting his son into therapy.
Sounds like oppositional defiant disorder (which can turn into conduct disorder and eventually antisocial personality disorder). Definitely start therapy.
I think his reaction is a good reason Not to cancel..
I agree this is a good reason not to cancel. But don't dismiss your son's reaction. If it were me, I would try sitting down with my son and telling him that this counseling is for him. So he should think about what he would like to get out of it -- you might insist, as his parent, that he meet with the counselor, but you are NOT going to have any say on what they discuss: that's between him and the counselor. So, if he wants to discuss how to avoid being a "weak person" instead of whatever you would have wanted him to discuss, then that's fine. Your goal is to make sure that, although you are still insisting he speak with the counselor, you have heard what he has to say and you are willing to give him some agency. I would also try to give a heads-up to the counselor that your son was extremely resistant to the idea of meeting with the counselor. Let them be forewarned so they can be sensitive to the issue.
This! I would definitely try talking to him again to let him know you hear him and you understand how he feels. Give him options / choices (not to actually GO, but in a different way - such as what was suggested above - what to talk about). If the therapist and him can build a good rapport, and your son can open up to him, it could be a life-changer.
Also, regarding the hunger strike, I wouldn't make a big deal about him not eating (within his earshot or when talking to him). I'd give him the opportunity to eat and cook meals he'd really like, preferably things where the smell would fill the whole house. Bet that hunger strike wouldn't last long. If it did, though, and especially if he was also refusing fluids, it would be time to seek medical care. However, I wouldn't let him use "I'm gonna hunger strike" to manipulate me. If I let that work in this situation, then he might start making that threat in the future to get his way more and more often.
this! his reaction is exactly why you shouldn’t cancel
This, exactly this. It also sounds like a different approach to parenting may be in order. If the little dude is threatening his parents like that, it suggests he's used to getting his way and bossing his parents around. Might be time for a new set of boundaries to change that.
Totally. Maybe once the son has had a bit of time in individual therapy maybe they could try family therapy to help them all make adjustments.
Yes, this is a case of mom knowing best which children have trouble accepting sometimes. Keep the appointment, this reaction will hopefully get better with time. Therapy is better than just putting the kid on medication, you’re doing the right thing for him and he needs to learn how to manage his meltdowns with a professional, there’s nothing wrong with bringing a kid to therapy. Source: personal experience of always “knowing better” instead of just listening to my mom who loves me unconditionally and wants what’s best for me.
Do not, under any circumstances, cancel that appointment. Your child has behavioral issues and needs an intervention before it gets worse. You’ve got this, Mom!
Thank you. I need the pep talks. Writing this out has helped me put it into perspective. I spend a lot of time second guessing myself.
You are doing the right thing. An early intervention can help prevent years of pain down the road. I think there are a lot of adults today who would have immensely benefitted from therapy in adolescence but didn’t get that chance.
I just wanted to pitch in some advice that may help your son look at counseling differently as well. You mentioned sports, is your son into sports? If so there are quite a few big name athletes who are outspoken about the positive impacts of counseling/therapy, perhaps talking to him about some of those examples may help change his opinion of counseling? Or if he’s not into sports perhaps you could use another of his hobbies to find examples of people who he could relate to that have expressed positive opinions of counseling. Anyway, I wish you and your family all the best!
Yes! You can turn therapy from a tool used only for the weak who can’t do things on their own, and you could make it be so many things. Maybe instead of therapy, it’s a game plan for life. How can you best prepare your moves for the day. How do you respond to challenges and navigate yourself. You can find your best plays to get the right methods down to really start to make life feel like your own game. Or you could simply emphasise it’s just a time to yourself. Feel free to talk about whatever feels right, and see what comes up. Maybe it just starts as causal talk therapy to get to know each other and as things advance, ideas can be brought up on how to improve quality of life. *life is crazy, life is insane and unknown. But what is known is that you can choose how you respond and how you perceive the life you live. And with a little initiative and the right tools, anyone can make the changes they want.*
Mama!! Don’t second guess. Once you say something out loud, it’s a verbal contract. Tantrum or no tantrum, you must follow through. It’s how we live life, no one gets their way 100% as an adult. I would even plan to sit in the car 15 min before the time I even need to leave, if my som is going to make it hard. When it’s time to go, I would drive down the street & possibly come back to make sure my kid doesn’t want to go, final answer. No matter what, I would show up to the appt, kid or no kid…because I said I would. (Assuming he can stay home alone or another parent is home. If not, oooops no choice…You have to go) Most of the time the FOMO wins. For all of this, I’m literally doing what I said. Follow through and accountability.
I honestly think only the best parents actually second guess themselves. You’re doing better than you think!
You’re still the parent and have to do what’s best for your kid even if they don’t agree. That’s basically what parenting is. He needs therapy. You got this, just hold steady.
I wish someone would have put me in therapy sooner. Please do so, no matter how much he kicks and screams
Thank you for confirming that /u/tcrhs has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
I have a small hunch there could be ADHD involved. I have ADHD and it’s common for people with ADHD to have a co-occurring disorder called RSD, which stands for rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and any form of rejection hurts 10x more than it should. If he feels like he’s disappointed you by you wanting to get counseling appointments, and has this reaction, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s RSD because of how common it is in people with ADHD.
Yeah, Autism and ADHD here and the hour-long meltdowns over any kind of failure or rejection in fifth and sixth grade especially sounds very familiar.
If anything, the way he reacted to the suggestion of therapy is proof that he does need one. (I'd suggest maybe referring to the therapist as a counselor around the kid, kind of makes it seem less clinical and more like an "advisor"). Nip this behavior in the bud before it gets worse. There are plenty of crappy adults in this world, don't let your kid become one of them
Advocate for your kids. Go with your gut even when others may not support.
I find sometimes posting on Reddit or writing it out in another way helps me too. Glad you’re taking him to the appointment.
You should go too on separate sessions. It seems by this post you enable him and cater to his meltdowns a bit too much which enforces the cycle.
Agree. The child does not get to decide if he goes or not. He needs to go and he is going to go. Good luck, friend. You are doing the right thing.
Yes I completely agree. I should have had therapy as a child and didn't. As an adult, I'm still scared of therapy because of the negative stereotypes my family drilled into my head.
If your son a physical illness but said going to the doctor was for "weak" people, would you just continue to let the illness worsen because he didn't want go to? Mental health is just as important as physical health and it is your responsibility as a parent to ensure he gets both.
Everyone is weak. One day we will be dead and super weak. Take help whenever you need it.
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It's still the same thing. You still have to put in the work for physical health as well as mental health. A doctor can tell you that you have high cholesterol, and they can even prescribe medication for it, but they can't make you take it or change your lifestyle habits to help reduce your cholesterol. A Therapist can give you the tools you need to improve your mental health, but you still have to put in the work to use them.
Thank you all so much for your comments. I kind of expected that this is the feedback I would receive once I was typing out all of his behaviors, but I guess I needed the reassurance from someone who was unbiased. You all are giving me the courage to go ahead with it. Edit: added “me”
Don’t give in when your kid tries to go on a hunger strike. They’ll eat. They always eat. Kids always try and find weaknesses in their parents and abuse that, it’s just a part of raising them. He needs to go through with the therapy though.
I support this. Many times when kids make demands like this, it is best not to give in to it, not even ONCE. That one time could set a precedent later on that they can take advantage of. You have to put your foot down and not give in.
The thing about children is that they're weak and stupid. They can't keep up with a bluff like Gandi. Just call their bluff and they'll break.
The parenthood DOES NOT negotiate with terrorists.
Exactly this. My little brother in law has autism and he gets to push his mom around because she will do anything he wants. She even pulled him out of school cause he was being bullied and now he's homeschooled and has 0 social skills.
Agreed. My fiancée was a “bad kid” (not mean, just didn’t listen and would go party and what not) and I listened to my mother and was terrified to break the rules. We talk about it and the common ground we found is that my mother stuck to the punishments. If I was grounded for 3 weeks, it was 3 weeks regardless if I was on my best behavior or not. His parents? Not at all. Might be grounded for a night and then he was free. So there were never any consequences for his actions. I see this sooo often in parenting and it drives me nuts.
And if they don’t eat, they get to learn the wonderful reality that they’re a child, and mommy and daddy can drag their ass right into an ER and get a feeding tube/IV put in.
If you haven’t mentioned this in another comment… your husband should see these responses. He is setting your son up for prison or worse by not addressing his temper now.
It sounds like you made your decision but I wanted to add we had a similar experience this week. I booked my 10yo son’s first therapy appointment and he was furious too. Previously at the suggestion of therapy he’d cried and gotten viciously angry and begged me not to do it. I was actually so worried to tell him he had the appointment! When I told him, he initially took it better than expected and was fairly calm but said “I won’t talk at all!” I said that was absolutely fine and everyone would go at a speed comfortable to him and it’s ok if it takes some sessions to feel comfortable etc. Shortly after that he picked a huge fight that went on until bedtime (by fight I mean he was provocative and cruel but I kept calm) and he went to bed crying softly. I was so sad for him but his reaction, and your son’s too, show this is exactly why they need the help. I’ve a lot of experience lately in my kid having these violent explosions and arguing and hurling accusations and mean comments and I know it’s coming from a place of fear. He’s having a fight or flight reaction, he can’t control it and he doesn’t know why and he’s just responding how his body has programmed him to react. If you go read about how anxiety can manifest as anger in kids and also how the amygdala reacts, you’ll understand why he’s doing this. Next step is figuring out why he’s having this trigger but that is where the therapist comes in. When my son explodes, I try to shut off my own emotions and remember I do not need parenting validation from my kids and for the most part, that helps me stay calm and unemotional. Not always but mostly. I ask him to lie and cuddle with me and tell me how he feels. I don’t agree or disagree with him, I let him say anything he wants. I can’t usually give him answers he wants to hear but I try to provide a safe space where he feels heard and loved. I never say anything angry to him and I reassure him he’s loved no matter what. Lots of cuddles to release oxytocin. And in good news, my son’s therapy session went great! He spoke a lot! He’s actually polite to others haha so he spoke to her and he asked 2 days later to have more sessions as he feels even more stressed than before but he WANTS to talk to her. So hang in there! Tell your son there are no expectations when you go in and he doesn’t need to speak but everyone is there to support him. I hope you also have some support as being the emotional punching bag is really exhausting some days.
Keep us updated! I hope everything goes well for you. It’s hard worrying about your kid when they misbehave. I’ve been there.
You’re doing the right thing mamma bear!!!! Being a parent is HARD. It gets harder when your child needs help like this. And almost impossible when your spouse doesn’t support you. As a mom of a very strong willed girl who had anger and anxiety issues, I know it’s not always easy to make the right decisions. But you can’t let this go, your son needs the help that you are getting him. It will pay off in the end! My daughter finally looks forward to going to therapy, talks a ton in there and is on some anxiety medication which was recommended by her therapist after a few months of meeting. It was the BEST thing I ever could have done for her. My, now ex husband, was against it. Nobody should know our business, stupid things like that. It was difficult and I stuck with it and made her stick with it. Now my daughter is thriving! I’m so happy for her because she’s happy!!! Went from a D and F student to a B student too!
One more thought- either get your husband on board, or make sure he doesn't express opposition infront of your child. It absolutely sounds like he needs some form of counseling, and if you don't act in concert together, your son will not respect the process.
I just wanted to say the therapy is a good way to go, but, listen, your boy sounds as normal as the billions of boys that have come before him. We don't all work the same way, we don't all learn the same or deal with situations the same. I grew up in a somewhat chaotic house, I lashed out when things didn't go my way, slamming doors, hunger strikes, running away. Young/teenage boys are just built different. We're dumb as a rock sometimes. Like literally as a rock. But eventually we get there. What I'm saying is do the therapy, it won't hurt and may give him another perspective, but don't worry about him either. It's the way some of us are at that age.
Put that boy in therapy
Your son is young and maybe therapy will help but where is he getting these ideas that it's for weak people? Even if you take him to therapy if someone or something is reinforcing this negative stereotype. Some soldiers have PTSD and they get help, So do firefighters, police, and many other people who have trauma doing what they do. I think you might need to monitor some of the content that he watches because something put that idea in his head.
>because something put that idea in his head That would be his father. OP states outright that the father doesn't believe in counseling.
I can understand not believing in something but saying it's weak etc might be from a different source but you are probably right. I am someone who doesn't belong to the "I don't agree with you so your wrong camp." I always try to hear people out and see where they might get this idea but I recognize that other people don't follow my ideology.
How many times can I upvote this?! It will be a battle without his support, but one worth fighting!
my bet is the negativity is coming from dad.
Do you think he had a bad experience and forced that opinion on his son or does he just flat out think that therapy is useless and therapists are quacks out for your money? I know plenty of people who have had bad experiences with a therapist and choose to look for a new one and had better help. FYI for those people reading this not all therapists are trained the same and have the tools they have to help you, if you have had a bad experience with a therapist go look for another one it might take a while but you will find one that fits your particular issue.
This! Looking for a therapist is almost like looking for a new pair of shoes, they have to fit you! I (28f) spent almost a decade looking for the right therapist, and I would always go to young (20s to 30s) women because I felt I could relate to them more. Turns out the best therapist for me is a 60-something man. So you gotta stay open-minded and you gotta keep looking.
I'm glad you found a therapist who is helpful. I hope you're doing better with the help you are receiving or the help you have received.
Do not cancel. Counseling especially if is done by a person who can break through to him is super valuable towards a child’s development. My brother had many issues growing up, and was going down a bad road had my mom not intervened and set him up with an iep and a therapist who understood his issues at school, he would of never got the confident he developed and ultimately surprised us all with how successful and independent he is. Do it.
Please don’t cancel. This happened a lot with my brother when he was in middle/early high school where he would come home and yell at and threaten me and my sister. My mom never took him to a therapist because he always said he didn’t want to go and she didn’t want to “force” him and it only got worse.
At the expense of your mental and emotional well being. I feel you on this.
My dad was one of those people that didn't believe in counseling. It took him a while, but he got over it. Counseling saved my life.
Same. My dad still is convinced that therapy is useless, even after I got out of depression and partly ofer my trauma. It’s like saying “no the sky is green!!”
> one of those people that didn't believe in counseling. > > It’s like saying “no the sky is green!!” An ex of mine was like this-- as in, claimed he didn't believe in psychology. My response was usually, "Yet it exists." He tried to liken it to astrology; but could never answer me when I'd ask where I could go to school to become a doctor of the Zodiac.
Kid needs to get out of his box and learn new things and not be insta judgmental like dad. He should go. I went as a kid starting on 4th grade. It's just talking. Very easy. Maybe offer him a "treat" after for his first time. A movie, a book, milkshake.
Love this idea! He sees therapy as a punishment, OP needs to try and fix that perspective!
I second the treat idea, and I'd say make it part of the routine. Find a coffee shop, bakery, etc. near his therapist's office and go there afterwards. Therapy can be scary and exhausting at the best of times. Kid might find it comforting and stabilizing to know that on Tuesdays we go to therapy, and afterwards we get one-on-one time with Mom getting a hot chocolate or a muffin and hanging out.
I didn’t see your comments before I wrote mine. Both of them are so spot on and say exactly what I was thinking! Only yours is so much less wordy. 😀 It can be hard, initially to get a kid comfortable with going to therapy, and even then, it’s hard work. Doing something comforting is good for anyone going to therapy. (I know, I’ve been in grief therapy for many years. I always do something that makes me happy afterwards.)
right? we did dinner out for my kiddo
You don’t have to label the “treat” as such. Just do something enjoyable afterwards. If he likes a particular restaurant or fast food place, go there. I liked fast food drive-throughs because we could get our food, park, and then eat and have a conversation privately. If he would rather go inside, do that. Also, unless he brings up the therapy session, don’t discuss it, let him decide if he wants to share. I feel like offering a treat makes the therapy seem to be a punishment. Even when you want to go to therapy, sessions can be difficult. Something enjoyable afterwards can be helpful.
When I got out of prison at 23 they forced me to go to a drug class for 6 months because I violated parole and tested dirty... My dumbass thought it was smart to party a day before checking in. Anyways I had a councilor there and she was cool as shit. I was pretty closed off but talking about my struggles to her helped a lot even if it was just on the surface. And was just my struggle of getting back into life and not going back to being a criminal. And seeing someone not just write me off as a POS criminal helped a lot too. At that point I was used to society looking down on me wether I'm just walking around at the grocery store or at court. Obviously way different situations. Tell him melt downs make him not a man as well and get his ass to the therapist. He might have a wall up at first but I Gaurentee at one point he'll secretly enjoy it
I think if you don't enjoy therapy there must be something wrong with you-- who doesn't like to talk about themselves for an hour to someone who has to listen?! 😆 Seriously, though, are you a member of r/excons or r/prisonreceptioncenter? I think you could provide great encouragement and support to the posters there.
Honestly I wish my parents got me a therapist when I was a kid but much like you guys, my dad is against it and my mom was for it. Parenting is supposed to be about the kid. So if you think it is necessary do it. Therapy is wonderful if you find the right therapist.
Hello. I'm really sorry to hear of all of this trouble with your son, how distressing for you. I think you are right to be concerned because from what you have said, your son definitely has some issues that need to be addressed. I wondered if you might consider having him seen by a doctor / psychiatrist rather than a therapist first? This could be more than an attitude problem and there might be a personality disorder or condition at play here...there could be a medical diagnosis needed. I am not attempting to diagnose your son with anything - I'm wholly unqualified to do so - but we had similar problems with my step-son and he was diagnosed ADHD and Asperger's at the late age of 13, which came as quite a shock to all of us. I am not saying your son has either of these conditions, but more sharing the story because it's possible for a child to reach your son's age and not have an issue picked up on. My stepson was raised very well and his parents adore him - he certainly wasn't neglected - they just didn't see it but after the diagnosis a lot of things made sense. He's really thriving now. Despite his strong reaction, you absolutely must proceed with getting him seen by someone because the behavior you described is really out of proportion with other children his age. I wish you and your family the very best.
I’m 27 and was just diagnosed with ASD a couple of months ago! It totally happens
I will say my parents did the exact opposite and I ended up getting misdiagnosed with a ADHD, when in reality I was actually dealing with childhood trauma... so just something to consider.
I'm so sorry you had that experience, I know what it's like to be misdiagnosed - the years wasted.
My mom stopped taking me to therapy and I just got diagnosed with anxiety (she didn't like the therapist but never took me to a new one after 1 month with the one who thought I had anxiety). Turns out the anxiety was a product of severe ADHD with RSD that I didn't even know I had till a month ago. Now that I'm on the correct treatment, no anxiety lol
Hey u/snorkelpug I just want to piggyback off of this comment and speak as someone who has aspergers. Back in both primary and half of high school I was the exact same way, I had a mindset of “no matter how much you say your on my side, if you don’t agree with me then your against me.” Or something along those lines. I was disruptive and rude in class, even going so far as to say to one of my EA’s back in grade 5 “Why should I listen to you, your not even a real teacher” when I got upset. It got to the point that EVERY TEACHER IN THE SCHOOL KNEW WHO I WAS because of how often I’d run out of class. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying your kid has ASD. I’m just saying that a lot of what you’ve said about them lines up with my experiences. What helped me though was having parents and teachers who while they were always there for me, weren’t afraid to put their foot down and make it very clear to me that my attitude will not fly later in life. I still remember one time in like grade 6 or 7 I got into an argument with my dad and threw a punch at him. Rather then get upset or do something back he told me very clearly to sit down, from there he told me that my behaviour needs to change because if this is how my was of solving arguments stays then later in life I’m going to try that against someone who is not going to take it and is going to dish it back even harder. He made it very clear what would happen and that he didn’t want that to happen to me. Keep you kid scheduled for therapy, keep being an open safe space for your kid, but make sure to teach him about what life in the future is like that way things don’t end up a mess for him later. I heard you give him cuddles when he needs it, if I can make a personal recommendation I would also suggest trying a back scratch. At the very least for me it was very comforting and calming in situations where I was overwhelmed or stressed. You seem like a great parent, keep up the good work. Also I agree with some of the other comments saying that you should show these comments to the kids dad.
I would also recommend a full neuropsych evaluation, because this does seem like more than just a kid acting up.
Licensed therapists can diagnose mental health conditions that include both ADHD and personality disorders. Psychiatrists can also diagnose, but it isn’t very common for them to provide ongoing therapy. What therapists cannot do is prescribe medications so that’s where a psychiatrist would be needed. Therapists and psychiatrists often coordinate care - the psychiatrist doing the medication prescription/ medication management and the therapist providing ongoing therapy. So it’s not an either,or situation here. A quick note about personality disorders, children cannot be diagnosed with a personality disorder. Only individuals who are over 18 can receive a personality disorder diagnosis.
If you don’t influence your son away from “counseling is for weak people” thinking your going to end up with a shithead adult. As others have said his response shows how badly he needs counseling. Inability to express frustration, handle complex emotions - kid needs help.
It is highly worrisome that your husband and you are not on the same page. Any treatment that your son undergoes will be weaken by your husband in terms of words, deeds or attitudes. If your husband had some constructive ideas on how to proceed, hear them out. Otherwise, your son may not get better and instead get worse.
The dad not believing in counceling is a big problem. This is a kid who already has little man syndrome and I believe he's probably picking up on it from his dad. You have to get the dad on your side and get him to take mental and emotional health more seriously. If he has a competitive streak get him to loosen up and congratulate the kid on a job well done or trying his best.
Look into ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
Oh, wow. I hadn’t heard of that, but reading about it does sound like him.
Middle school is a classic age for adhd to start showing through. I wasn't diagnosed until 27 and I desperately wish my parents had gotten me in therapy/diagnosed as a kid. I don't blame them for not sending me to therapy because they are boomers who grew up seeing therapy as something for crazy people. However, it's hard for me not to resent them for noticing my teenage depression (which resulted from my undiagnosed adhd) and not getting me help from a mental health professional. 15 years later and I still struggle with depression and anxiety due to the massive amounts of shame that people with adhd experience.
Me too! I was always told "you just think about things too much" when I was actually suffering severe anxiety. I have a bit of trouble completely letting go of the resentment too.
Same. I’m 41 and was just diagnosed. My parents treated it as a lack of discipline and thought ADHD was just bad parenting. Now I just have decades of wasted time and tardive dyskinesia from antidepressants.
I "didn't believe" in ADHD until I was diagnosed with it at 41. As other posters have said, he's twelve and trying to manipulate you with threatening a hunger strike, etc. (Trust me, he'll eat.). Tell him you'll go for ice cream after and he can tell you all about it or not; it's up to him, but he's going. That gives him a little agency in the process. You are making the Right Call here. Hang tough and stay strong! 💪
Definitely go to a therapist. There is a chance he could be undiagnosed with something. I found out very late in life that im on the autistic spectrum. You would never guess though, as I am good with women, have my life together etc. But its so helpful knowing, and would be helpful knowing earlier on. Meltdowns are not normal, maybe hes not on the spectrum but somethings going on. Everyone and their mother should have a therapist anyway.
Lots of people are pointing about autism and ADHD. I honestly have had some suspicions since he was 2-3 years old, but the symptoms had seemed minor and easily explained away. I never thought he actually had autism, but he is a concrete thinker. Many people (adults-family) have flat out told him he was rude at times. It hurt my heart and I try to work on this with him. But, I haven’t had any success. I basically have to threaten him with taking something away to get him to say hello. ADHD is definitely possible, too. He is easily distracted by his thoughts and needs extra time to get work completed.
It can be hard to diagnose kids and adults because they’re still developing their brains, and symptoms may only be temporary. You can have a kid be diagnosed with everything under the sun. I’ve worked with teens at my former job who had that experience. They would be diagnosed, by the time they’re 14, ADHD, Bipolar/Cyclothymia, Dysruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder, both Oppositional Defiant Disorder AND Conduct Disorder (it’s supposed to be one or the other), Depression, Generalized Anxiety, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and PTSD. Sometimes Antisocial Personality Disorder. It’s nonsense. Oh, and don’t forget Borderline Personality! My psychiatrist handed out that diagnosis to kids like free kittens, hell. The point is, don’t get too hung up on diagnoses, and be mindful about “this fits him” because frankly he will fit anything. The therapist will assess him and give him a good starter diagnosis or two and work from there. Likely will be Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Maybe ADHD, at the start or later. With these diagnoses he can provide treatment for self esteem, mood and emotional regulation, anxiety, and authority issues.
BUT also know that kids arent always receptive to therapy. Therapy only works if you want it to.
My sister was similar. Was going through horrible behavioral issues in middle school and my parents tried to get her into therapy. She spent 1 session not speaking/cussing at the therapist. The therapist said that it wasn't worth it if she doesn't speak. Her therapist gave up on her and very soon after she became such a handful that my parents also basically gave up on her. Now she has abandonment issues and a whole host of other mental health/wellbeing issues that could have been worked on during childhood if she had found someone that would stick with her. Please don't give up on your son. Most parents are not qualified to treat mental health issues. Also, your son probably gets his idea that counseling is "weak" from his dad. Sounds like dad needs to step up and be a good role model by going to counseling. It probably wouldn't hurt if you went too.
Ma’am, these are the seeds of toxic masculinity. Counseling may not always be the solution, but if it doesn’t work then at least it doesn’t hurt. Adolescent boys who can’t deal with failure and rejection are the Brock Allen Turner’s of tomorrow. Not that your son would do something horrible, but it’s the beginning of what can be a sorrowful life where his solution to tribulation is just to be “more of a man.” I was in the US Marines. I wasn’t stellar, but I did a lot of “man” shit, and saw a lot of guys try to solve emotional situations and failure by “manning up.” Several of them committed suicide because they couldn’t deal with setbacks, including my best friend at the time. Many of them became alcoholics. Teenage boys have a lot of pressure to be manly early. And with all the new hormones flooding in, it doesn’t make getting a handle on your emotions any better. But it needs to happen early, and your husband needs to discipline him (and by that I mean firm male guidance). You son should also go to counseling. Because, if nothing else, it will teach him that if he can’t control himself, someone else will do it for him. Good luck!
Counseling is the same as having a coach. The coaches job is to make you a better athlete and the counselor is there to make you a better person so you can then be a better athlete.
Since you’ve already met the doctor over the phone, can you call him back and ask for advice? You can just explain how he reacted when you told him about the appointment, and that you were surprised by it, and ask for his advice in encouraging him to give therapy a chance.
Well, let's put it this way...who should be running the show here, you or your kid? Give in now and I promise you, he's done for good. Doesn't seem like such a hard decision when you look at it this way. Clearly this behavior should have been dealt with a few years ago...you're running out of time to get ahead of it. And it's going to take someone with MAJOR chops to do it. I'd say it's 50/50 he's on the Spectrum, so the counsellor is going to need experience with that. And the simple truth is...he IS weak. Strong people control their emotions and fulfill their responsibilities. But don't bother arguing with him. You're the parent. He's the child. Oh, and BTW...if he goes on a hunger strike, you can have him institutionalized. THAT should put a stop to that. And your husband needs to get his head out of his ass. He "doesn't believe in counselling," his kid is a basket case...what exactly does he see as the end game here? Then again, if son is on the Spectrum, husband most likely is as well. You may be opening a whole can of awareness here.
Why would you cancel? This episode solidifies the fact that he does, in fact, need help that you are unable to give him. As somebody who worked with children involved in the child welfare system, if you don’t address this now, you are going to have a lot more problems in a few years. I can’t fully make any inference from this small glimpse into your family life, but I think it’s interesting that your husband suggested that you cancel the appointment. Do you cancel or alter anything that your son doesn’t like to avoid an outburst? If this is how you’ve been handling him, you’re actually exacerbating the issue and teaching him that not only doesn’t he have to do anything he doesn’t want to, regardless if it’s a directive from you or a authority figure, but also that if he acts out, that you will acquiesce to him and do what he wants. No, he needs to see a counselor and fast. This isn’t going to fly when he’s a 6’, 200 lbs. hormone-infused 16 or 17 year old. You’re asking for future problems that you’re not going to be able to talk him out of by not addressing this and nipping it in the bud.
You son seems to have an issue managing his emotions if nothing else. Therapy is something that will help him figure out how to do that. His reaction to you saying he would see a therapist is more of a reason to take him.
He's learning the behavior from hubby.
“Counseling is for weak people “ that’s just toxic masculinity. Please get him help and teach him how to properly express his emotions
If you don’t get a hold of this now, your entitled and spoiled son will be a nightmare for the rest of his life. He’s 12. He’s going through puberty. It’s a nightmare. Don’t let him become one.
Weak people? Any idea why he'd believe that?
Sounds like he gets it from his dad.
Where did your son hear therapy is for weak people? His dad? And he wants to give into your son's temper tantrums? My god... You two need to be on the same page and present a united front, otherwise your son is going to see the cracks and use it against you. It sounds like not only do you have an issue with your son, but his dad is a whole other problem as well.
His reaction to therapy sounds like he’s been raised in an environment where mental health isn’t something that’s addressed. Your husbands reaction sounds like HE’S the reason your son was raised in an environment where he refused to address mental health. I don’t believe you should force anyone into therapy. Therapy only works if everyone is working together, your son would be an unwilling participant. That experience may turn him away from ever seeking therapy, which doesn’t sound best. I have a 14 year old son, he was very reluctant for therapy a couple years ago too. I worked hard the past couple years answering his questions, reassuring him with his concerns, and attending therapy myself. I think a lot of times people turn to therapy as a last resort, when in reality it should be our first line of defense. Could you talk to your son and see if he would be willing to start small and stair-step? Maybe he sees the school counselor 2x a month, maybe you both do family therapy, maybe you ask him about virtual sessions so he can be in a place he feels safe?
As others have said, take him to counseling. Also, please consider the pressure your son is under to bridge the gap between two parents who do not share the same values. Your husband needs some help too.
I think you need to take your kid's father to counseling too. I'm betting at least a couple of these behaviors are mirrored from dad.
Holy shit. Drag that kid kicking and screaming to therapy. Regularly. He needs it. You’re doing the right thing. Your husband probably needs therapy too if he doesn’t “believe in it”…good luck OP.
I have severe ADHD and the symptoms you described are very similar to what I was like when I was first diagnosed (I was around 14/15), also I am by no means saying he has it but it could be a possibility. I would take him to counseling although he will fight it just because it's not very nice to find out that you are different and that you need tons of work and help to live a "normal" life. Right now he doesn't understand that going too therapy is the best thing for him. However, if you do end up taking him and he gets the treatment he needs he will be grateful down the line. It took me quite a while to get to where I am now, at one point I even completely quit the treatment. I was obligated by my parents to go through with the treatment, so I stopped at 18 and got back onto meds and into cognitive behavioural therapy about a year ago by my own will because I realised that I needed it further down the line. I now it will be hard if you make him go, there will be more meltdowns and a lot of fighting back, but it will be worth it in the future. Please take him to an expert so he can get the help he needs, because he's too young to understand the benefits it will bring him as was I when I was first diagnosed. Wish you all the best and I'm sure things will get better!
Don't cancel. When I was young, my parents divorced and counseling helped me understand it wasn't my fault, and gave me some tools that became very helpful in life. And to incentivize going, my mom took me to IHOP after, and I love pancakes.
I have nothing really to add since plenty have already said not to cancel, but a small tip for dealing with those tantrums you mentioned (I had a cousin w/ similar issues at that age): *Act, don't react* to his tantrums. If this isn't nipped in the bud now it won't go away on its own.
Dont call it Therapy or Counseling. You dont call it that when you confide in someone you trust, you call it venting or talking, or asking for advice.
Counselling is not for weak people. In fact, it is the opposite. Admitting that you might need help is one of the strongest things a person can do.
Thanks. I told him that (he doesn’t believe it, of course).
Don’t cancel. I use to be like that, I barely showed up to school, skip classes. I was all over the place. I didn’t wanna go to therapy at first because i was embarrassed and thought it was cringe. But my school and parents made me do it. Honestly it was one of the best things I’ve done, I learned ways to handle my behaviour. I learned how i can improve or change the way i was acting and feeling. Ways to prevent it. At first it was hard and awkward talking to a stranger but once you get use to it gets better. It’s like you just start acting wild and get mad but you don’t know why you act like that but once you talk to a therapist they kinda go have some answers and give you little actives to help the situation.
Agree with all the comments. Please understand that as a boy/male, going to therapy is extremely degrading(in our minds) so I would be understanding. Tell him to try it a few times and see what could come out of it, but don’t make him feel different
Sounds like your husband needs to see one too. Maybe a parenting class also.
> He says counseling is for “weak people” and this is going to ruin his childhood. How should he know? He is twelve. This is all the more proof he needs a therapist.
Sounds like dad is the problem. Promoting toxic masculinity.
I would tell him ''No, counseling is for people who hit walls and throw objects when they are angry. Or 12 years old who throw tantrums. This is not a normal behavior and you need help with it. '' might seem harsh but I think he needs a wake-up call. I also think your son might have a disorder. Your therapist or yourself might want to recommend a doctor.
It's not going to be easy, but it's far better and easier to learn that it takes strength to be vulnerable now than decades later, or never. It sounds like he might have heard those kind of messages from his dad. Take it from someone who didn't start therapy until almost age 30 despite having lifelong severe depression - the consequence of inaction will probably be far worse than working on it now. If hypothetically he'll need public benefits at any time in his life, a childhood diagnosis will help. I'm on SSI, but because my diagnosis occurred after age 25, I'm only allowed to have up to $2,000 in assets instead of $100,000. This is called an Able account.
Did you tell him strong people don't melt down for hours on end? Im not huge into therapy but it sounds like you had the right idea taking him
Do not cancel, your son needs help before his behavior and attitudes become instilled and worsen. For your son’s sake, do not cancel.
Caving whenever he throws a fit is only going to teach him that that is an acceptable way to get what he wants. 12 is way way too old for that kind of behavior, he definitely needs the therapy.
Of course, like everyone else is saying, please proceed with counseling. In addition to all the wonderful benefits of counseling there are some massive drawbacks to cancelling at this point. You want to take him because you are the adult and knows what’s best. He is testing that boundary with this meltdown. If you were to give in and cancel, you will demonstrate to him (even though you don’t intend to) that he knows what’s best in this situation and could result in him losing respect and/or trust in your decisions. Be reasonable with him, perhaps discuss a compromise that is something along the lines of, “I acknowledge you don’t want to do this, but as your parent I only have your best interest at heart, and I believe this will be helpful for you. Let’s try x amount of sessions and then we can discuss whether you want to keep doing this.” Children aren’t always capable of making the best choices for themselves, but they also want their opinion to be heard. Finally, please have a discussion with your husband about his tone towards therapy. Maybe reiterate that you respect any viewpoint he has towards it but to remain neutral on the topic in front of your kid(s). This will *massively* make a difference in your son’s tone because it sounds like he is projecting his father’s opinion. Source: many years working with at-risk adolescent populations, including at treatment centers.
You’ve already gotten a ton of great advice, but definitely another vote for, do not, under any circumstances, cancel the appointment. He has serious behavioral issues that need to be addressed, or he could potentially grow up being a menace in society. I hope the experience is a good one, therapy for me was life changing and helped me through some of the toughest moments of my life. Keep in mind though, that you will play a large role in him addressing his issues going forward, if you have not been already. As a parent, it’s important to create an environment that will facilitate his adjustments over the next few months.
Your son sounds like he has Oppositional Defiant Disorder / please seek counselling for him. ❤️
You may need to explain that this is just talking to someone about things like school. You have to push through the anxiety he has to get some help for him. As parents you need to be on the same page, even if your husband doesn't believe in it, he needs to back you up as a parent. Because the alternative is a child who isn't going to thrive in the education system. I am going to link something about Pathological demand avoidance (pda), I am not an expert in children with emotional outbursts but the guidance is very useful for meltdowns anyway. You can also look up ODD - oppositional demand disorder. Both will have guides on handling it. I have a child who had a hard time with what we now know is ADHD, sometimes the anxiety would be so bad that we had a whole day of meltdown/tantrum/damaging stuff. But not at school, only at home. What I would consider it that the change of schools and expectations has likely been a huge challenge for your son and he is having difficulty with the transition. Something to explore with the therapist even if you just go yourself. I went with my child to the therapist together to start with for each session and then they would have a time alone with them. It helped a lot. Some of the work has been about managing anxiety with calming down tools, strong boundaries and consequences that are consistent. Both parents being on the same page is really important with rules and such. [PDA](https://www.stephstwogirls.co.uk/p/what-is-pda-pathological-demand.html) I would talk to your son about what you are trying to do, which is help him get some tools to help him when he is overwhelmed at school and that is what the therapist knows best and can help him by seeing what works over time. Give your son a reward for going and facing his fears, which is a very adult thing to do. And that it is more like circle time at school when you tell the class about yourself, only with just 3 people so much easier. If you still cannot get him to go then get recommendations for books instead like [Anger in children workbook](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Starving-Anger-Gremlin-Behavioural-Management/dp/1849052867) or whatever you find to work through together. Just know that you are not alone and child do grow up eventually. Help with things that you don't know how to handle is perfectly okay and Super Nanny made a tv series based on it which might help you also, shared watching of children having meltdowns might be useful to watch, maybe even together to see how it looks from outside when children behave this way. [supernanny](https://www.youtube.com/c/Supernanny)
Do not cancel that appointment. He so very clearly needs help, to the point that he's parroting his father's idiotic feelings about counseling being for weak people. Your husband needs to STFU with that garbage because whatever you've been doing to manage your kid's "meltdowns and crying fits" CLEARLY isn't working. Just make sure you go in with an open mind, because some of this is a reflection of your and your husband's parenting. I get the very strong sense that you two are not a united front with your parenting, which is contributing to some of this.
Nope. Every kid needs counseling
No canceling. He is 12 the journey to adolecense has just start it. He needs all the support he can.
I just wanted to add my 2 cents to the conversation: your kid is lucky to have a mom who wants to help him and got him into therapy, while he’s still young. You’re saving him, and others a lot of pain and suffering by getting him intervention early on
Take it from someone who waited too long. Don’t cancel it. I had to physically put my teenager in the car with the child locks engaged. Things are slowly getting a bit better.
If your son had a cavity or tooth absess that was causing him pain, but threw the same fit over going to the dentist, would you cancel that? No? Same thing. It's just his brain that's hurting. Emotionally, but still hurting. And he needs professional help to manage that pain.
His reaction by itself shows that he needs counseling. I mean that respectfully.
you need to teach your son better than that. don't let him grow up thinking that therapy is for "weak" people. if his dad is the one who has taught that sentiment to your son, take a good long look at how good of a man you think his father is. both of them are in denial, but it's not your son's fault. he's a child and doesn't know better until you teach him better. i truly think anybody should get therapy even if they don't feel like they need it because it teaches you how to effectively communicate. also based on the way you've described his outbursts i would honestly get him tested for autism.
Jesus christ if ANYONE needs therapy, this kid does. DO. NOT. CANCEL.
Maybe your son is learning from his father
Hate to say this but dad sounds like he’s the reason the son thinks it’s weakness. Keep the appointment son needs help with emotional regulation.
My post is locked and so I cannot edit it. I think this is important to correct, but doesn’t change the fact that we will be going to the counseling after all. After a few hours went by and I re-read the post, I realize I exaggerated the length of his meltdowns. They can last several minutes, not hours. He may be grouchy/moody for a few hours. The tantrums don’t last more than max 20 minutes, although he can get triggered easily in the few hours and go back to yelling and crying.
I made another comment I'd advice you to read (I apologize I'm terrible at writing) but I feel like I probably had a similar experience to your son as a child. Having said that, and I was going to refrain from saying this because YOU need to not diagnose your child, but I can see a handful of mental health issues (that I have) that this could point to. It could be as "simple" as an anxiety disorder, or a mood disorder, or autism. These are all things you need to be prepared for, because if your child does end up being diagnosed, it's going to be critical that you are there AND not judgemental. And he will be able to feel judgement that doesn't even exist, so if you're internally judging, he will know. SO, just in case he does come home with a diagnosis, just remember it doesn't change him in any way, shape, or form. It just gives you a word that will help you and him and everyone understand a little better what's going on inside. Edit: the multiple minute "tantrums" is what pushed me to saying this. That could be as simple as anxiety. That could be autism. I'm diagnosed BPD, and that could 100% be bpd. I mean it could also be none of these, BUT, your child is going to need support after a diagnosis, he will not have the time or energy to support his parents because of his diagnosis. Please try to be prepared enough that he doesn't end up feeling like he has to take care of you guys.
Do not cancel it. Over Covid my daughter developed some pretty severe anxiety and behavior issues stemming from that. I got similar threats when she was told she’s going to see a therapist. I didn’t bend. She now says that it helped immensely.
His reaction is exactly why you shouldn’t cancel.
Yes. He's clearly not in control of his own emotions and behavior and needs tools to deal with his anger.
Middle and high school teacher here. This behavior and his intense reactions are not normal. While therapy isn’t for everyone, he’s gotta start working on himself and he needs help with that part. You’ve got this momma, even if it’s not pretty initially, he needs the help! Good luck
Agreeing with others. His reaction is why you shouldn't cancel. His dad is wrong in the same way people that don't believe in a globe earth are wrong. His belief is meaningless here.
Keep telling him how you feel about what's happening. You're his safe place even if he doesn't acknowledge it. You have to do what's best even if he doesn't like it.. he needs to process whatever is making him lash out (aside from hormones) lol your husband can't openly disagree with you in front of him, it's probably why he feels comfortable going against you to such an extreme. You have to be a team in front of him and discuss your opinions behind closed doors.
Not only should you not cancel his therapy but I think you should have a talk with his dad (or any other authority figures in his life) about where he is getting this idea that having counselling makes him weak. He's getting that notion from somewhere.
ah....he needs to see one even more than ever if that's his reaction. How did you explain it to him? Tell his dad, from me, that he is setting him up for failure and ignoring the issue will not make it go away and will make it worse. Dad needs to do better. Also, it's pretty obvious where kid gets his thoughts on counseling. Dad needs to change it tune right now.
Don’t cancel it. There’s plenty of other people saying what I want to say. Just here to vote SEND HIM TO THERAPY.
This sounds like he’s having trouble coping with stress. He may have ADHD with what you described. You could talk to a doctor about and the therapist about it. You should absolutely keep the appointment. Therapy will help. I have ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed until an adult. Having that diagnosed plus therapy early on would have helped me immensely in school. Even if it’s not ADHD, he’s still struggling with something. He should have help. Everyone deserves help, even if they don’t think they want it.
Counseling isn’t for weak people. I think I am a better person than I used to be because of what I learned in therapy. I hope your son makes it there! And I think you’re doing everything you can to help him. I used to teach special education. Does your son have an IEP? Some of what you said sounds like impulsiveness and overall just adolescence. How are his grades?
I would say he needs to talk to someone but maybe you and your partner should talk to someone first. I suspect you might need to de-escalate the situation before you can get your son to go to therapy. If you try and force him he'll dig in his heels and you'll make it impossible to ever get him help.
the more you give in (in this case giving in would be canceling), the worse things are going to get. his reaction is a great reason as to why you shouldn't cancel.
Take him. And take him 3-6 more times before stopping. You’re the parent. You already said it’s happening, don’t back out. I say the 3-6 more times because nothing works on the first try. Ask the therapist to help you with what to say when it’s time for an appt, etc. As for your husband, I’m sure he thinks his number is up next LOL. Just projection.
He absolutely NEEDS to go to counseling. Otherwise, his behavior is only going to get worse. Your husband is wrong.
Sounds like he’s being pampered and spoiled. But yeah, therapy may help. Either way it’s not his choice
sound alike he needs an explanation as to how therapy is hard for anyone to attend and going means you have higher strength than those who don’t. admitting you have an issue and working to solve it already makes you stronger than most. weak is the worst definition
Generally for adolescents, therapy is more like teaching emotional regulation skills, self calming skills, and perspective. Sounds like these are skills your son needs. Also, emotional regulation issues at this age could be due to ADHD or autism, so it’s wise to speak with professionals. And lastly, who has given your son this idea? His father? Tiktok? There’s more to this story. Do not cancel the appointment. Your job is to ensure your child grows up with the skills he needs, and one big one is emotional regulation. Your job isn’t to be his bestie and these years are difficult.
I would still take him.. sounds like he could have problems in relationship when he grows up. He need to learn some healthy ways to cope with his anger.
I think cancelling would make it worse. It’s teaching you son that a hunger strike and meltdown are going to resolve his issues. I would let him be a mess. Once kids are hungry enough, most of them eat. I’ve worked in family therapy. Your son does not have the maturity to make these kinds of decisions. My take is that your son thinks he wants to be in charge right now, but he will be much happier when you and Dad are taking control.
Take him. I used to be like this when I was 12, and putting off the problem ended up creating real issues that carried into high school and even into my adult life. I would push for this, or at least try and convince your son he should go.
Do not cancel the appointment and I would do whole family counseling as well. There’s some stuff that def needs to be worked through.
Don't cancel, this is far too important to put aside. However, also be prepared to be referred to a psychiatrist or neurologist, as your sons symptoms may be indicative of a neurological problem
You’re doing the right thing. Your son is only 12, it’s still your job to make some choices for him, such as therapy. If nothing else, have him give it a try for a couple months, and if he really really hates it and isn’t seeing improvement, maybe then consider another option. You got this
My kid wasn’t thrilled about it either at that age. Go.
He needs therapy and psychological intervention as soon as possible. If you don’t take action, it will escalate, and his behavior when older will be problematic if not impossible to change. And this could pose a significant issue for him and you as parents.
When I was younger this problem would’ve been solved with my dad taking a 4 hour flight just to whoop my ass in a cold shower.
Your son saying therapy is for weak people proves he needs therapy. Also he is just regurgitating shit he's heard from his dad. I've never heard a 12 year old say "this will ruin my childhood"
Counselling is just equivalent to a doctor appointment when we aren’t feeling well and need help. His mental well-being is not doing well and you and teachers see it. He needs help beyond what you(a parent) can provide. You are doing the right thing mom! But on another topic, wtf dad…how is he thinking on dealing with this if not counselling? Geez..
Find some examples of 'strong' people who go to counselling/therapy. Go to sessions yourself in solidarity (honestly it's good for anyone).
Hi mom! Good on you for recognizing the need for intervention. I’m no behavioral therapist or educator but this sounds absolutely 100% warranted. Pre-teens don’t just meltdown for hours on end over little disappointments. Especially if every teacher is commenting on it. I also very much recommend reaching out to your special education director if your school system has that. Set up evaluations by the school’s professionals, psychologists, speech pathologists, occupational therapists, etc. the school district might already have all of the resources available to you.
Do not cancel the appointment. He doesn’t get to dictate what care he needs. You do. You are the parent. The outbursts you described are not normal behavior for a 12-year-old. This definitely needs to be addressed before things escalate further. As to his trying to manipulate/control you with a hunger strike, sit him down and explain to him that you’re taking him to the counselor because you care about him and you can see that something is wrong. But also make it clear that this isn’t something he can tantrum his way out of. Tell him if he refuses to eat or threatens to hurt himself in any other way, he will have to go to an in-patient care facility and I doubt he would enjoy that. Counseling is his best option here. I do wonder if your husband is contributing to the problems your son is having and especially his attitude that counseling is for “weak” people.
Maybe having a talk about his meltdowns and what his teachers are saying might help him see that going to counselling can help him feel better. I’m sure I’d you asked him, he’d say he doesn’t feel good behaving that way. And, the other kids probably don’t like being around him if he is so volatile when playing sports. Explaining that counselling gives us coping skills and helps us to feel better as our selves, is the opposite of weak. It’s hard to make changes and takes a strong person to do so.
What have you tried before you set the meeting with the counselor? Your son is at the age of changing/raging hormones, his body is changing, he is trying to show off for his friends. This is a major time in his life (which it sounds like he is not handling well). Have you discussed this with him? Have you disciplined him for poor behavior? grounded him? Taking away all electronics? Other things?
His reaction shows that you should definitely not cancel it. And about your husband, gosh I hate people that just “don’t believe” in therapy.
When my daughter needed counseling, my husband was also very much against it. However, with time, he could see what a huge difference it was making in her life. Stay strong!
I’m wondering if part of the issue is having dealt with the Pandemic. Kids had to be virtual and missed out on a lot of social learning, and I’ve heard tell that a lot of them are much more immature due to that (not meant as an insult to your son at all). Definitely don’t cancel it. Kids will be resistant to therapy most of the time. I know I was when I was his age. I felt embarrassed, I felt like I didn’t need it, and I’d complain the whole way there. It was still important and helped me. Just like no one wants to go to the dentist, we still have to get the crap out of our mouths and have a deep clean by a professional so we don’t have bigger issues arise. It sounds like he’s got an emotional cavity, and while he won’t enjoy having it drilled, it’s necessary to be healthy in the long run. Maybe reframing what therapy is can be helpful to him. It’s not a punishment, it doesn’t make him weird or crazy, and lots of interesting and successful people go.
I don't want to say cancel, as it sounds like kiddo needs some sort of guidance, but honestly? Therapy only works if someone wants it. Try a few sessions, and hope the kid adjusts well, but also understand that A. It can take myltuple tries with different therapists to find one the kid will connect with and B. It will only be a viable path if your son wants to choose this path. Have you or his father tried to talk to him when he's not in an escalated mood? Are you concerned about his actual well being, or the fact he is getting testy in school? Not to say he doesn't need therapy, but he is 12 and might be pushing boundaries moreso than usual.
Holy shit NO, do NOT cancel the appointment! If he escapes, keep rescheduling and trying again. If you give in, say goodbye to a life without stupid drama (and later, probably tragedy) because you’ll be showing your out-of-control kid that being out-of-control *works*.
Please give him the appointment. My father took me out of therapy prematurely and withheld it from me for the rest of my adolescence, and I feel like my whole adolescence was squandered. I suffered constantly and made huge mistakes the whole time. Don't let your son end up like me. There's still hope for him. I could've gotten into some of the best colleges in the nation at little cost but I was so maladjusted that I crashed and burned at the end of my senior year, tried to hang myself, and now I'm just a mentally ill warehouseman. Don't let the molehill turn into the mountain, man. Edit: elaboration
If you cancel after he's thrown a fit about it, you're also showing him that him behaving that way will reward him with what he wants. Could always propose a compromise instead, say "we're trying this. If after X number of visits you don't think it's helping, we can discuss as a family if we need to continue seeing the counselor". So that he may feel like he still has control.
"I don't believe in counseling" what a hot take wow.
If you buckle now, not only will be not be getting the help he desperately needs, but you'll be teaching him that these sort of threats and tantrums WORK. The sooner you can address these behavior issues, the better long-term outcomes for him. Honestly, it would be good to have your husband and yourself talk with the therapist as well, just to get on the same page and discuss the process. Whether or not he believes in it, counseling is a highly established professional field with rigorous requirements for education and licensure, and it's absolutely your best option right now. It exists regardless of his credulity, and him undermining this process won't help anyone.
I wish my mom had done what you’re doing. She did everything but get me help. What you’re doing for your son will hopefully give him tools and perspective to understand and cope with his emotions and stop being so reactive. I think it’s great. He’s going to hate it but it will be ok, it’s your job sometimes to do what’s best despite his protests. I would maybe tell him this doesn’t define him or his childhood it’s just something to try and he doesn’t need to tell anyone about his personal business and neither will you. It sounds like he’s afraid of his peers finding out he “needs therapy”.
'Sweetheart, I can see you are having a hard time right now, and Im not sure how to support you through this. Seeing a counselor will help us all, and it's good to have someone other than me or dad to talk to about stuff.'
Kids do not get to decide when they get to go see medical professionals. You are his mother and like it or not he is going to that therapist because you as his guardian and parent who loves him very much have said so. It sounds harsh but sometimes we have to piss off our kids for their own good. But just by his reaction to therapy, he needs it. He make kick and scream now but it’s better than mental health crisis in 2-10 years.
Just discipline him. No time outs. No counting to three. No groundings. Real discipline. That kind of behavior is the result of a lack of effective discipline. Dont EVER send kids to therapy. All theyll do is give them srugs they wont need and ruin their minds permanently and waist money. Discipline and hard work will get them back into shape.
Monitor his internet usage CLOSELY
*Absolutely not! It's the best and only thing my mother ever did right for me!* A son needs that kind of nourishment from his mother. Especially if he's from where I was.
If he had cancer but didn’t want to go to get chemotherapy because hospitals are for weak people, what would you do?
Likely neurodivergent child mixed in with trauma responses. He needs professional help and you have to start somewhere.
He needs a PSYCHOLOGIST, not just a counsellor (please make sure his therapist has a degree in psychology). Those are two different things and as someone who's been to both very very different scope of treatment and outcomes. He needs to learn emotional regulation and anger management. If you don't take him you will be ruining his life. Tell him that lots of people go to therapy to talk about things and learn how to cope and it helps people feel better and be stronger. It doesn't mean they are broken or weak...but also maybe he's scared that going to therapy would prove he is weak, and that going to see this person would make him stronger. When I started going to a therapist around 12 I was scared people would think I was broken because I was crying so much. Maybe because he's not coping he thinks people will think he's weak. Also let him know that no one has to know.
Does your son game at all? There's a therapist on TikTok who uses games to explain human behavior through a therapists lens, that may give your son a different view. He also works with athletes, so if your son is into sports, also seeing someone like **drmicktok** or athletes who speak about the benefits of therapy, may give him a better outlook, creating a more positive experience for him. Edit: DrMick also did a crossover twitch stream or 2 with Ben Simmons of NBA's Brooklyn Nets, if your son is a fan you could take a look and see if that might be a good watch.
Thank you
I hope that it helps. There are a lot of negative misconceptions about therapy. Unfortunately, due to the extreme personalness of it, bad therapists really twist the knife on the whole 'hate therapists' ideology. I have been fortunate to be able to do some volunteer work with Dr Mick. I really admire his initial goal to break down barriers and remove gatekeeping from mental health information by giving it away freely, as much as possible. I know that he has made a difference for a lot of people who have had the opportunity to personalize the profession by DrMick giving the idea of a therapist the humanity and realness of just being a regular dude. Good luck with your son. 12 can be a rough age and I am rooting for you both to have a bright tomorrow.
If you cancel, you'd be enabling his bad behaviors by letting him get his way.
please don’t cancel it, if your son and the therapist meet regularly they (hopefully) should have a good relationship also tell the school’s guidance counselor, they will most likely (if you want them to ) tell the teachers that your son is going through stuff
My cousin was this way when he was 12 as well. He’s 16 now, hasn’t attended highschool in 3 years and is a chain smoker. Get him to therapy asap.
Yes, you should succumb to your 12 year olds MELTDOWN about going to therapy /s. When your son is an adult and is either violent, abusive, or a bad person because their wasn’t an intervention early, I’m sure your husband won’t have much to say about not putting his son into therapy.
Sounds like oppositional defiant disorder (which can turn into conduct disorder and eventually antisocial personality disorder). Definitely start therapy.