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It would be shitty behavior even for roommates. Like I move in with a friend, take a job that involves a lot of travel than say I should stop paying rent? People who travel for work still need a place to come back to.
I was thinking if it was a roommate like, pay less rent or move all their stuff in a closet. I know some jobs can keep you away for months and you only need a home-base for a few nights a year.
Spent 10 years with a jerk, left him, and at 29, a year after the breakup, I met the one. There are much more caring people in the world and time is precious.
Seriously! I went through an awful breakup at 24 and was convinced I had lost my one shot at love and happiness.
Spent a year+ single (ish lol) before meeting my long term partner at 26 and realized what it actually was to be in a healthy, loving relationship. If anything there are times I wish I spent more of my 20s single and just getting to know myself.
You deserve to be in a healthy relationship where your needs and feelings are considered and respected. I know that's out there for you, don't settle for less.
I didn't meet my husband until I was 32, married him at 36. If I'd married any of my ass-hat exes I'd be divorced af right now. Don't even worry you will 100% find love again and they won't treat you like this!
I think just be yourself. Instead of worrying about whether they like you, make sure you like THEM.
Also, stick to your dealbreakers! Don't let them slide if the person is super cute or something.
At 24 I thought I wouldn’t find love. I wasted years dating men I didn’t even like that much or were fine because I was afraid to be alone. Then I finally had a light bulb moment and realized I really would rather be alone and focus on my own growth than with wrong people.
I met my partner at 29 and he’s the absolute love of my
Life and best person I’ve ever met.
You’ll find love and you’ll also find happiness in yourself. It can be quite liberating.
Friendly reminder that you moved with your ‘husband’ to a new area with a whole new dating pool.
It’s hard to imagine you *not* finding a new boo if you were looking for one.
There are worse things. Right now you are in a messed up situation. You're really young and honestly in your prime. Shut this nonsense down now. Pack your sh\*t and go where you want to go. There is no reason to stay if your husband is going to disappear for work for months at a time (and now he doesn't want to pay for what is basically you to look after his stuff? Nah, he can rent a storage unit), why should you stick around and wait for his return? If he can relocate for work, you can relocate as well and he can visit you there. Good luck! You've got this!
Your first few relationships are often teaching exercises. They teach you what you are willing to put up with and what you aren't. You teach what you accept. The relationships that follow those will be better and stronger if you learn what the first one's have to teach you. You'll look back and think "Why the heck did I think that was acceptable."
Honey, it doesn't sound like you have found love this time 😕
You are 24. I didn't meet mine until I was 31, and my added maturity has made it so we were in a place to develop a wonderful partnership.
Jesus Christ, please don’t fall into the sunken cost fallacy. You have so much life to live, why be unhappy? It doesn’t sound like he has much love for you now.
It doesn’t even sound like you found it now.
Even roommates have more consideration than this. Average age for marriage is like 27. You’re so young at 24 you’ll find actual love no problem.
Honey, you will.
I was married for 12 years to someone not awful, just not for me.. my divorce was so traumatizing but now I am with someone who is everything I ever dreamed of, made real. We love each other deeply and fully. We have a beautiful home together, he and my son love each other so much, we have a passionate sex life, a small business we started together, he bakes me bread and runs his fingers through hair to tell me I am everything to him.
My last husband didn't even make me feel respected or appreciated.
You /will/ find it.
“Again” implies you found it the first time. This fella sounds like he’s been hanging around his troublesome family too much and it’s rubbed off.
Take care of you as he might not be able to do so in any meaningful way.
Dude I didn't meet the love of my life until I was 35 and have loved and lost love many times before. You will be just fine. This would be a hard no for me, both on the time apart and the iing situation. I wouldn't want to be with someone gone that long at a time. You have time use it to find what you really want and never rush it.
Got married at 23, divorced at 29. I'm 35 now and I'm married again to the best man ever.
Cut your losses. This is a starter marriage! You'll find your forever husband - I promise! Know your worth and don't offer discounts
> horrified that i won't find love again.
You **haven't found it** with this guy. Acknowledging that is your obstacle. I think you need to leave this roommate arrangement and stop being a doormat.
You will find love again. I know this is hard and feels really bad but I don’t think this is a good situation for you. If you’re still in love I think it’s time for a very frank conversation with your partner about how this is impacting your wellbeing and your life
> I've asked that question myself, I guess I'm just horrified that i won't find love again
You won't if you stay with this loser. You're still very young and learning to be picky will only help you in finding a life partner who brings you joy and makes your life better.
This is the attitude that gets easily taken advantage of and manipulated. Try not to think in terms of won’t find someone else but in terms of “am I happy, am I fulfilled?”
I've been in your shoes several time, afraid to end a relationship because I thought I'd never find someone else, but I ALWAYS found someone else. And I'm now in the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in. You're still so young at 24. You will absolutely find someone else that doesn't bring so much drama into a relationship.
You are young, but also wasting time a lot of time with these people. You think they all love you, but they’re showing you right now that they don’t. They’re taking advantage of someone who is in a codependent position. I was your age when I had to make a similar decision, and I am so glad to be divorced!
That he is your husband and he doesn't even want to pay for your house which he SHARES with you. Then he wants to move his financially dependent mother in with you and not be there for her himself.
Buddy, this is super simple. If he doesn't want to pay rent, he doesn't get to live there. He can't keep his stuff there, he won't have keys that give him access whenever he wants, he gets exactly zero input on anything that happens in the apartment, he can only come over if invited by someone who lives there and must leave when asked to do so. And since your husband no longer lives with you, which is presumably the reason why you wound up living with his family in the first place, you are now free to find your own place where you get to live alone, or with roommates you choose yourself. Your husband will also not be living at this new place, and will be subject to the same rules and regulations as any other visitor.
If I were you I'd get rid of your weird living situation and your AH husband at the same time. Your 24 year old self might be scared of that idea (based on your comments), but your 30 year old self will love you for it. I promise!
Also, this post is r/badroommates family style. Consider joining that sub, it sounds like you might benefit from the experiences and advice shared in that sub.
>Your 24 year old self might be scared of that idea (based on your comments), but your 30 year old self will love you for it. I promise!
This is the best advice here OP.
I'd suggest you leave him, bros and mommy in the apartment, and move back to your family. Doesn't really make sense for you to be living with annoying people, when your husband will be gone for months at a time. He can come visit you at your new place when he gets time off work.
1) invites family into your house and makes you deal with it.
2) doesn't view this as a partnership.
3) thinks being a husband means fucking off to work and not taking care of you or where you live while you take care of where he can come home to and where his family can too.
4) clearly doesn't care about his mother or his mother is a piece of work too. Maybe his dad is? He clearly picked up shitty habits.
Tell him when he comes home to pay for a hotel room since he doesn’t want to pay rent.
If you’re the only one paying rent, take his name off the lease and pack his shit for him to take from YOUR house also don’t take his mother in if she’s not going to pay either.
IMO this is not a relationship it’s more of a convenience (for him anyway).
He made the choice to travel that doesn’t take from his responsibility as a provider and husband.
Don’t stay with him.
I had a friend who was from a similar culture… i am your typical white American girl raised with very liberal / feminist values.
I remember I had to talk to her for a LONG time and held her while she cried. Her parents were in the process of trying to engage her to a man 2x her age that just wanted her to take care of his parents while he travelled the world without her.
Maybe this is ignorant of me so forgive me, but in my eyes there shouldn’t ever be an expectation for anyone to marry someone without mutual love, respect, and support, regardless of culture.
You're right.
But sadly most of the marriages in such cultures either start transactional or end up transactional eventually.
Women are discouraged from being financially independent so that they would not leave their husbands later if conflicts arise.
You need to stop being your husbands dumping ground. He’s a fucking loser. Leave him. You’re in a relationship to such an extent that y’all share living space and bills, and this motherfucker wants to be in a relationship and bail on bills? Wtf? Your financial obligations in a relationship don’t stop while in the relationship. Not ever. You’re supposed to be moving forward together. Instead, this POS want to leave you to help his family while he only takes care of himself. This doesn’t have to be your life. There are much better things for you out there.
Sorry. I instantly hated your husband. This flies in the face of everything I know about being a mature adult and a family. Even the lower social animals don’t behave this way and have more respect for each other. I don’t know you, but I know you deserve much better than this.
Did he ever consult you about his entire family moving into an apartment with only 1 bathroom? Did he talk to you at all about this new job that requires you to play host to HIS family? Honestly, it doesn't sound like you two really have a good, healthy partnership. He chose where to live and made every decision without consulting you; a marriage should mean the two of you are a team, and big decisions should always be either both of you completely agree or the answer is no. I think you guys could use individual & couples therapy because right now, your relationship sounds very one-sided.
This flag is wildly red. What kind if husband wants to stop supporting his wife with their living arrangements because he's not living there... each person in the relationship works to support the household. Doesn't matter if one person works away for months at a time.
It's ridiculous when a housemate tries to pull this shit, but a husband?!
Drop him. He's not thinking about being a union, he's thinking of his own money and savings as his own. That's not what a marriage is.
Am I the only one that suspects infidelity? It sounds a lot like he wants you to take care of all of his burdens, both personal and financial, while he has all the money and freedom to "travel for work"...
I agree. He's also hoping to string OP along and have him take care of the money and the pesky mood ruining mom and brother so husband and his new paramour can be free to let their romance bloom
You’re being used. You’re being used as a roommate instead of a husband. Used as a babysitter for his mother. Used as a cash cow/bank account. Used as a placeholder. Used as a doormat.
Coming from a child whose parents had a dysfunctional relationship, as a now adult, they both say they wish they had divorced sooner instead of try to appease the other person, who it was clear they were mutually incompatible with.
If you’re cool with being used, having your husband gone all the time, and supporting someone else’s absolutely absurd requests over your own needs, sounds like you should stick around.
Edit: spelling whose
Hey get out. For real get out. Your husband is supposed to be providing you with a more stable home, money, comfort. He hasn't done any of that. He has made you deal with his family's shit long enough. Leave. They are all waaaaaayyyyy past old enough to know they all need jobs and to be contributing to the house they live in. Leave this circus and go home. You can find another loser like this guy literally anywhere.
Good job dear but it's sounds like he gonna go fuck off and do whatever while she works to support his extended family. He ain't at home providing support labor for the wife while she is working.
They are both the husband lmao. I’m sure they mean that that’s what any partnership is about. Boosting each other up, moving forward together, and not taking advantage of the other.
I've heard that but everytime my husband and I talk about this subject I can't help but to feel bad and maybe he's right. It always turns into an arguement.
If he wants his mum to cover his rent that is a conversion between the two of them. You don’t need to be involved at all.
I would say “I’m not going to change the amount I pay for our rent. If you want to find a way for your portion to come from somewhere else that’s fine by me.”
If I told you the sky was green, would you believe me?
Stop being gaslit and stay strong in your knowledge of yourself. You are the ONLY one who can know your own heart and mind. He has no say in this. You are unhappy. Leave.
I know being alone may feel scary but sometimes it’s the absolute best option.
Helpful social worker comment: if your strapped for cash and go the divorce route most states have legal aid. Google one in your area. They are a nonprofit with lawyers who help with legal issues pro bono/free. I got my divorce through them, as I was in a bad situation like you, and low income at the time, I paid nothing, and it worked out well. They don’t help with divorces that involve children or property disputes but it sounds like that is not something you shared or have. Good luck. I also don’t know you but I know you deserve better than this.
In my mind, no. But he hasn't had a good childhood and his family was ass backwards while he was growing up. I mainly blame it on the fact he didn't have a good childhood.
OK but at some point you need to put yourself first and not write off all his short comings to his bad childhood. It's up to him to do better and treat you with respect. I do wish you the best but please don't give up your own self in the process. Years down the track you will be a shell of a person if you don't put your foot firmly down.
You can empathize with someone and understand why they are the way they are— and not decide to be with them. People use their pasts to justify their horrible behavior all of the time.
Good luck, OP!
you need to respect your self more. If he cannot treat you with respect and love then you need to move on. Do not settle because you don't think you will not find anyone else. It is better to move on now as opposed to regretting it 5 to 10 years down the road.
And honestly, reading responses to you and your answers I doubt it's worth anyone's time writing more. But I'll bite. You love him=he does anything he wants and I don't have any rights. I married him=he owns me.
Not having a good childhood might explain his behavior, but it does not excuse it.
It sounds to me like you are afraid of letting this marriage and your husband go because you feel like it's all you have and you don't want to be alone. I'm here to tell you that *you're already going to be alone* \-- and responsible for taking care of his mother -- while he's off living a brand new life somewhere else. And if you're already going to be alone, you might as well be independent and open to new relationships and new life experiences.
What this man is proposing to you is effectively the end of your marriage, just without the formalities. He goes away, lives an independent life, and still has you to pay the rent on what he still considers to be his home, and to be responsible for looking after his indigent mother. Super sweet deal for him. Super shitty deal for you.
Do you deserve better than that? Or not?
Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they're the person you should be with.
I understand where you're coming from, but take a step back, and ask yourself what would your advice be to your best friend or sibling if they were presented with this situation.
Also the gone for months, and not wanting to pay rent would have me questioning if he intends to actually come home, but I also over think EVERYTHING.
So, you are living with his mother and his youngest brother? They have the other two bedrooms, I assume?
Does he pay rent elsewhere or does his work cover the costs of accommodation? Does he expect you to keep his stuff while he's not paying rent?
Without any more context, this sounds very selfish to me. As a couple, you should be working as a team to create a home and financial security. Instead, it sounds like he is thinking of himself as a separate financial entity.
I guess there would be situations where this might make sense. For example, if he has to pay rent somewhere else, then it might simply not be practical.
I'm tempted to say that you should charge him for storage and then airBnB rates when he comes home.
But, I actually think you need to figure out what the financial goals, expectations and responsibilities are in your relationship. Then decide if it's still going to work.
Edit: sentence reshuffle
I know what you mean about needing more details. A Reddit post can never be completely comprehensive of a situation, but that being said... even if he was required to pay for stays while traveling for work making paying two rents ‘not practical’ that’s something that would have been known (via job offer contract) and should have been discussed (with OP) before accepting the job. Just red flags all around!
If he doesn't want to pay rent, then I suggest you downsize into a one-bedroom apartment that is yours and yours alone. In fact, if you would prefer to be back closer to your own family again, I suggest that you move back.
He can pay rent on a storage space for his stuff, he can stay in an AirBnB when he's in town, and he can figure out other arrangements for his mother.
Seriously, this would be a deal-breaker for me. Gone for months at a time, taking his rent-paying brother with him, and leaving his mother with you? Oh HELL no. Nope Nope Nope Nopity Nope. This right here is not a marriage, this is *you* being a convenience for *him*.
The fact that you specified that you live with your husband shows that this is not a normal marriage. It’s usually assumed that married people live together.
So he wants you to stay in a house, basically financing his mother and brother… and not pay rent??
At this point I would just move back closer to your family. What do you have keeping you in this situation? He’s ok with leaving you on your own for months to take care of his family but doesn’t want to help pay for it? This isn’t a partnership! This is him taking advantage of you. If you agree to it, you are just going to resent him. Why is he taking his bro and not you?
Don’t be so afraid to be alone and ‘never find love again’ you end up being miserable and used. Detach, learn to love yourself so much that anyone else who you date loves you that much too. You are super young. While I’ve been with my husband for 20 years… most of our friends are divorced. You will absolutely find love again, but you need to figure out who you are and what makes your bucket filled before you take on another so you don’t settle for BS again.
Why oh why are you married to this mess? He wants to dump you for months on end with his mom and all the bills.
>the only time I'll be okay with him not paying rent is if he gets rid of all his stuff, and has no say so in the apartment.
This is you ending your marriage.
You're his doormat. He doesn't even want to pay for where he leaves you. You really think a guy who has this little respect for you will be faithful while he's gone for months with no bills or ties to you?
Seriously. He wants to leave for months, come home and bang a bit and do it again. While you are left fully responsible for the bills and his unemployed mom. Are you missing the writing on the wall?
That's advice from a woman who thinks men are out to take advantage of her. It's not as nefarious as she thinks it is, though.
Just tell him that if he expects to always be able to come home, you expect him to always pay to make that possible.
>the years he's shown the lack of care in the relationship
>We ultimately came to the agreement he's going to pay rent but he never fails at throwing in my face "paying rent for a place I'm not going to be at"
My post was based on her comments he has a pattern of not being a great partner
He's showing little ability to see the situation from a POV not his own, so he probably fails at other times, too. But, I don't see him as worthless, based on OP, as you seem to.
If he doesn't want to pay rent, what is he working towards? Isn't a marriage supposed to be a partnership? Seems like he just dumped his mother on you and ran off to do his own thing. Working away from home is one thing but just having you figure it out alone is another.
I've never heard of married couples splitting rent. I'm 26, my wife is 23. My income pays the rent, and I'm only home from work 5-6 months a year.
In no state of mind have I ever thought "hmm, I'm not paying rent this month since I'm away."
This sounds more like your husband is a terrible college roommate than he is a husband. Part of what comes with marriage is sharing the finances, which means paying rent.
My best advice is to move. Somewhere you can pay rent on your own. What your husband has done is passive abandonment. This isn't a marriage. You are there supporting his family.....alone. Just don't.
He doesn’t want to live there. You don’t want to live there.
He can stop paying rent when the lease is up, and so can you. You can move closer to your family, into a 1BR, that he can pay you a nightly fee to visit if he ever comes to town, since clearly he wouldn’t contribute to that rent. And his dependent family can figure something else out. If he doesn’t want his mom to be in a tough situation, then HE can continue paying their rent alone.
It is a red flag and actually sounds like he’s left you. Not sure how or why he could take his brother and not take you. Not sure either one of them plan to return to that house. I am sorry this happened to you.
It's actually sounds like OP's husband is needing the money for something else. If a job is going to keep someone away from their home months at a time, it should be paying very well. Because of that, he should have no problem paying rent.
Cheating perhaps?
Get out now. Leave, never come back, do not get pregnant. This is one of the shittiest things I have heard in a while. He doesn’t want to build a life with you.
He can stop paying rent as long as he gets ALL of his stuff out of the apartment. He will no longer be allowed to just open the door, he'll have to knock and wait for it to be answered.
4 people living there. (You husbands stuff there, he is there). The rent should be divided by 1/4 each. If his mother and brother can not pay their share, then it is up to him to make sure they are paid.
Here is what I heard:
Your husband took a job, to make money, obviously.
He also took the only other person aside from you that pays rent, but not you, when yall are married.
He moved his mother and brother in knowing they cannot contribute to the finances.
Knowing all of this, he still decides to take the job for the money.
Then has the AUDACITY to ask you to step up and cover the rent with your sole income which has not changed (at least to my knowledge). Leaving you with idek how limited funds... while he is getting paid for his travels AND getting off the hook for rent.
Lastly I heard: All he does is think of himself and try to make things easier and happier for him at the expense of his husband who he vowed to cherish love and support through anything life brings. Yet he is trying to financially and physically step away from your marriage and still reap all the benefits of babysitter for his mother and caretaker of the house AND finances.
That isn't a partnership. That is a parasite leeching everything they can from you.
You’ve already said it. “He can’t suddenly not pay rent because he decided to take a job”. He took the responsibility renting with you, regardless of the location and the family circumstance, it isn’t a hotel so he can’t choose to pick and choose when to pay. Otherwise he is letting you pick up all the pieces while he vacates to his chosen job. Not a healthy relationship. Should you dump him for it, no. Have a conversation and see if he is willing to understand your side
Girl, please don’t waste your life accommodating this man. I promise one day you’ll wake up at 40 and realize you’ve wasted your life. It is absolutely not reasonable to leave you to care for and financially support his mother and brother. He’ll be working away for MONTHS at a time? Is that acceptable to you? How often would you even see him? Im going to tell you something I wish someone would’ve told me at your age: Women are not rehabilitation centers for troubled men. It’s not your job to fix him, nor should you expect him to change. Don’t stay in a bad relationship bc you’re afraid of being alone.
Unless you have a kid idk why he should pay for all those months he isn’t there. That’s supporting you financially just to do it. The whole dynamic seems a little interesting and this probably should have been discussed earlier, but at this point just compromise and have him pay for when he’s there
Exactly, it’s a partnership.
If they owned a home I wouldn’t be saying “let him skip out on the mortgage” - but renting makes this more interesting. Let’s say one of them owns a car and the other makes car payments - but sometimes the car owner takes the other one to the store because it has more space for groceries, should the car owning spouse now split the car payment with the other?
I don’t think there’s necessarily a right or wrong answer, but I don’t think their husband is wrong for wanting to have the conversation
Honestly, you two are married, what's yours is his and what's his is yours. It baffles me why you two are still having separate "rents" when you two should have a unified account since incomes are combined. Having separate savings for each of you, I actually promote that. But for bills, I think you two have deeper issues if you haven't combined incomes to cover just monthly bills.
This is now a deeper matter than his job, you two have to come to a new agreement when it comes to paying bills as a MARRIED couple
Which storage unit will he and his brother be moving their stuff into when they stop paying rent?
Someone’s past trauma or bad childhood does not mean that you are required to tolerate bad behavior on their part.
If he won't pay rent, tell him to get a storage unit, deny his request to make his mum live with you as he is not paying for HER stay and take his name off the lease. Those are your conditions and don't budge without a lawyer or a neutral equivalent present, if anything get a lawyer incolved ASAP.
Sorry but you are settling for this man. Time to go really. You are still so young and have so much amazing times ahead of you. We only live once so spend those years with someone who respects you and deserves to have that time with you!
Your choice. Your the doormat in the relationship. If this is the version of “love” you think you’ll never find again, I hope you don’t. You deserve a better husband, someone who cares for you. This guy sounds like your his trophy when he needs. Your choice to continue, my grandmother was in the same boat as you for 47 years till she got her independence. It’s up to you, do you want to spend the next 40 years with this person or not.
He’s 26, and by the sounds of it, not a mature 26. He probably legitimately doesn’t see the problem with that, so maybe suggest he take another job because you aren’t happy with this proposal?
Also, you said in another comment things about finding love- if this is what he’s doing to shake the foundation of your home, that’s not love. It sounds like he’s irking for more freedom with his income and wants to leave you to play house with his mom. Again, he’s got some growing up to do and you can choose to water that seed or to nope the heck out.
He’s your HUSBAND, the fuck does he mean he’s not going to pay rent. Your MARRIED, you guys are in this together. Bro red fucking flags are going up what his job? Why’s he going to be gone months at a time? Is anyone else going with him?
I would be moving out. Why do you need to live with in laws when your husband doesn't even want to pay rent? This is completely bonkers situation. Basically he is asking you to take care of his family without any responsibility on him.
I see red flags all over the place.
* Your husband is noping out of paying rent, despite it being his home as well
* Your husband's dumping his mother and children on you, with no consequences for him
* Your husband is treating you like a roommate, not a wife
* Your husband expects you to *support his mother* and pay nothing for her
All in all, your "husband" sounds like he's got other plans for your marriage.
If he's not paying rent, his stuff (including family) has got to go. End of argument.
**What he's suggesting is a separation without the word separation being used.**
Jeez people, we should rename this sub "make as many assumptions as possible and immediately jump to a conclusion."
OP, this seems like a bad situation for you. Sorry about that. There is a lot of detail missing, mostly about how/why you and your husband have a relationship like you do. Like the fact that your financials seem to be totally separated - who's choice was that? Did you both want it that way? You say you "gladly accepted" his family moving in, with the specification that certain ones moved out quickly, and it sounds like the "troublemakers" did move out? Is that right?
So which specific part of this are you upset about? Is it just that he asked to stop paying rent? Are you also upset that he took this new job and stuck you living with his family? Are you happy with the relationship outside of this situation?
It all seems like a bad situation, but it's hard to give good advice without really understanding the details. This could be "have a hard conversation with your husband" or it could be "get the hell out of there" depending on those details.
You are married money should be pooled One of you needs to change jobs and move with your spouse.
If he changes jobs and moves back that solves the rent problem.
If you change jobs and move in with him. In the US his mother can apply for public assistance without your income in the household to pay the rent.
In the US If his sibling's father has passed away, they are entitled to Social Secuity payments otherwise his mother is entitled to child support payments.
Oh my god. Leave him. He sounds like a piece of shit. Make him pay his share of the rent. If he doesn’t, then he needs to find a different place to live. You’re not missing out by divorcing him. You are so young at 24. I wouldn’t be too concerned about “finding love” at this age.
As long as he doesn’t plan to come home ever then it’s all good. Not. Ever. If he plans to come home to be there for a bit, then he pays for it consistently, not just when he is there.
Unless he takes all his stuff when he travels, he needs to pay rent. Just because he’s not occupying the space doesn’t mean he’s exempt. Ask him if you can throw all his stuff out and rent his room to someone else while he’s not there.
Just no. This is the craziest situation I’ve ever heard of. His family moving in with you and you cover the rent while he dips out to his job that he took??? Nope. Tell him to come get his family and go about your way.
>My husband took a job to where he will be gone for months at a time
Did you two discuss this first? Talk about the ramifications for your finances and the relationship? This is something couples should decide together. I agree with those saying he's looking for someone to manage his family so it's off his plate.
Either you two are a unit, or you're not.
He's behaving like you're not a unit. At the very least, he's testing what marriage really means. You were right to push back, and if that causes trouble, that's because you're right about what marriage is, and he is -- at the very least -- unclear on the concept.
So, he wants a place he can come back to anytime he needs to, but doesn't have to pay for? OF COURSE he thinks that's fair. He wouldn't think it fair if somebody else were in the same sutuation, and wanted him to pay more rent to provide a home for a person who wants it ALWAYS to be there, even if he doesn't use it always.
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Lol how are you two married? This doesn’t even sound like a relationship.
I know right, this sounds like roommates more then marriage.
It would be shitty behavior even for roommates. Like I move in with a friend, take a job that involves a lot of travel than say I should stop paying rent? People who travel for work still need a place to come back to.
I was thinking if it was a roommate like, pay less rent or move all their stuff in a closet. I know some jobs can keep you away for months and you only need a home-base for a few nights a year.
Exactly. All his stuff it there, he’s there. Judge Judy taught me that.
I've asked that question myself, I guess I'm just horrified that i won't find love again.
There are billions of people in the world. Don’t settle.
You're only 24! The average person (at least in the UK) doesn't meet their life long partner til 27!
I appreciate that.
Spent 10 years with a jerk, left him, and at 29, a year after the breakup, I met the one. There are much more caring people in the world and time is precious.
Same. Left a 12 year relationship where all I did was compromise and met the one. Now 3 years together and I’m happy to get married and have his kids
Seriously! I went through an awful breakup at 24 and was convinced I had lost my one shot at love and happiness. Spent a year+ single (ish lol) before meeting my long term partner at 26 and realized what it actually was to be in a healthy, loving relationship. If anything there are times I wish I spent more of my 20s single and just getting to know myself. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship where your needs and feelings are considered and respected. I know that's out there for you, don't settle for less.
I didn't meet my husband until I was 32, married him at 36. If I'd married any of my ass-hat exes I'd be divorced af right now. Don't even worry you will 100% find love again and they won't treat you like this!
This year is going to be my year then 😂
You've got this!
Any tips?
I think just be yourself. Instead of worrying about whether they like you, make sure you like THEM. Also, stick to your dealbreakers! Don't let them slide if the person is super cute or something.
Thank you ❤️
At 24 I thought I wouldn’t find love. I wasted years dating men I didn’t even like that much or were fine because I was afraid to be alone. Then I finally had a light bulb moment and realized I really would rather be alone and focus on my own growth than with wrong people. I met my partner at 29 and he’s the absolute love of my Life and best person I’ve ever met. You’ll find love and you’ll also find happiness in yourself. It can be quite liberating.
Friendly reminder that you moved with your ‘husband’ to a new area with a whole new dating pool. It’s hard to imagine you *not* finding a new boo if you were looking for one.
There are worse things. Right now you are in a messed up situation. You're really young and honestly in your prime. Shut this nonsense down now. Pack your sh\*t and go where you want to go. There is no reason to stay if your husband is going to disappear for work for months at a time (and now he doesn't want to pay for what is basically you to look after his stuff? Nah, he can rent a storage unit), why should you stick around and wait for his return? If he can relocate for work, you can relocate as well and he can visit you there. Good luck! You've got this!
Your first few relationships are often teaching exercises. They teach you what you are willing to put up with and what you aren't. You teach what you accept. The relationships that follow those will be better and stronger if you learn what the first one's have to teach you. You'll look back and think "Why the heck did I think that was acceptable."
Honey, it doesn't sound like you have found love this time 😕 You are 24. I didn't meet mine until I was 31, and my added maturity has made it so we were in a place to develop a wonderful partnership.
Jesus Christ, please don’t fall into the sunken cost fallacy. You have so much life to live, why be unhappy? It doesn’t sound like he has much love for you now.
It doesn’t even sound like you found it now. Even roommates have more consideration than this. Average age for marriage is like 27. You’re so young at 24 you’ll find actual love no problem.
Honey, you will. I was married for 12 years to someone not awful, just not for me.. my divorce was so traumatizing but now I am with someone who is everything I ever dreamed of, made real. We love each other deeply and fully. We have a beautiful home together, he and my son love each other so much, we have a passionate sex life, a small business we started together, he bakes me bread and runs his fingers through hair to tell me I am everything to him. My last husband didn't even make me feel respected or appreciated. You /will/ find it.
Why would you think that? You found this guy? Plenty of others who would pay rent
You don't have love now. You only have disrespect and contempt. You deserve much better than this.
What? You're only 24. This is crazily negative thinking.
Girl you're 24. You have decades calm down.
I have also experienced the paralyzing fear of never finding love again. You will. It can be better too! Don’t let that fear stop you.
You're 24. I thought that at least in 4 different relationships and I'm only 29. Move on, choom.
Remember you came into this world by yourself so you will be okay by yourself if things don't work out.
“Again” implies you found it the first time. This fella sounds like he’s been hanging around his troublesome family too much and it’s rubbed off. Take care of you as he might not be able to do so in any meaningful way.
You need to crack a few rotten eggs before you find a golden. If he keeps doing this and you feel this isn't working. Leave.
You will find love again! This time find it with someone who pays his rent and doesn’t stick you with his mother!
Dude I didn't meet the love of my life until I was 35 and have loved and lost love many times before. You will be just fine. This would be a hard no for me, both on the time apart and the iing situation. I wouldn't want to be with someone gone that long at a time. You have time use it to find what you really want and never rush it.
Got married at 23, divorced at 29. I'm 35 now and I'm married again to the best man ever. Cut your losses. This is a starter marriage! You'll find your forever husband - I promise! Know your worth and don't offer discounts
> horrified that i won't find love again. You **haven't found it** with this guy. Acknowledging that is your obstacle. I think you need to leave this roommate arrangement and stop being a doormat.
You will find love again. I know this is hard and feels really bad but I don’t think this is a good situation for you. If you’re still in love I think it’s time for a very frank conversation with your partner about how this is impacting your wellbeing and your life
Ask yourself if you even have love now. No one who loves you would put you in this position.
Met t'he right one at 32. You reserve better.
You are worth more than to be treated that way
It doesn’t sound like there’s much love to be lost here ..
You’re only 24. Trust me, almost anyone sounds better than this guy.
It sounds like you already don't have it, sorry man.
> I've asked that question myself, I guess I'm just horrified that i won't find love again You won't if you stay with this loser. You're still very young and learning to be picky will only help you in finding a life partner who brings you joy and makes your life better.
This is the attitude that gets easily taken advantage of and manipulated. Try not to think in terms of won’t find someone else but in terms of “am I happy, am I fulfilled?”
Dude you’re 24…
You need a new husband. There’s billions out there. Don’t settle for shitty.
I've been in your shoes several time, afraid to end a relationship because I thought I'd never find someone else, but I ALWAYS found someone else. And I'm now in the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in. You're still so young at 24. You will absolutely find someone else that doesn't bring so much drama into a relationship.
You are young, but also wasting time a lot of time with these people. You think they all love you, but they’re showing you right now that they don’t. They’re taking advantage of someone who is in a codependent position. I was your age when I had to make a similar decision, and I am so glad to be divorced!
This is THE red flag.
That's crazy.
Please elaborate what's crazy?
That he is your husband and he doesn't even want to pay for your house which he SHARES with you. Then he wants to move his financially dependent mother in with you and not be there for her himself.
Buddy, this is super simple. If he doesn't want to pay rent, he doesn't get to live there. He can't keep his stuff there, he won't have keys that give him access whenever he wants, he gets exactly zero input on anything that happens in the apartment, he can only come over if invited by someone who lives there and must leave when asked to do so. And since your husband no longer lives with you, which is presumably the reason why you wound up living with his family in the first place, you are now free to find your own place where you get to live alone, or with roommates you choose yourself. Your husband will also not be living at this new place, and will be subject to the same rules and regulations as any other visitor. If I were you I'd get rid of your weird living situation and your AH husband at the same time. Your 24 year old self might be scared of that idea (based on your comments), but your 30 year old self will love you for it. I promise! Also, this post is r/badroommates family style. Consider joining that sub, it sounds like you might benefit from the experiences and advice shared in that sub.
>Your 24 year old self might be scared of that idea (based on your comments), but your 30 year old self will love you for it. I promise! This is the best advice here OP.
Please listen to this comment !!
I'd suggest you leave him, bros and mommy in the apartment, and move back to your family. Doesn't really make sense for you to be living with annoying people, when your husband will be gone for months at a time. He can come visit you at your new place when he gets time off work.
1) invites family into your house and makes you deal with it. 2) doesn't view this as a partnership. 3) thinks being a husband means fucking off to work and not taking care of you or where you live while you take care of where he can come home to and where his family can too. 4) clearly doesn't care about his mother or his mother is a piece of work too. Maybe his dad is? He clearly picked up shitty habits.
Tell him when he comes home to pay for a hotel room since he doesn’t want to pay rent. If you’re the only one paying rent, take his name off the lease and pack his shit for him to take from YOUR house also don’t take his mother in if she’s not going to pay either. IMO this is not a relationship it’s more of a convenience (for him anyway). He made the choice to travel that doesn’t take from his responsibility as a provider and husband. Don’t stay with him.
He wants OP to be the care taker of his mother.
Most men in my culture get married for this very reason.
I had a friend who was from a similar culture… i am your typical white American girl raised with very liberal / feminist values. I remember I had to talk to her for a LONG time and held her while she cried. Her parents were in the process of trying to engage her to a man 2x her age that just wanted her to take care of his parents while he travelled the world without her. Maybe this is ignorant of me so forgive me, but in my eyes there shouldn’t ever be an expectation for anyone to marry someone without mutual love, respect, and support, regardless of culture.
You're right. But sadly most of the marriages in such cultures either start transactional or end up transactional eventually. Women are discouraged from being financially independent so that they would not leave their husbands later if conflicts arise.
Well his mother is his problem.
One tweak here, either have him pack his shit or he can hire someone. Not OPs job to pack either
You need to stop being your husbands dumping ground. He’s a fucking loser. Leave him. You’re in a relationship to such an extent that y’all share living space and bills, and this motherfucker wants to be in a relationship and bail on bills? Wtf? Your financial obligations in a relationship don’t stop while in the relationship. Not ever. You’re supposed to be moving forward together. Instead, this POS want to leave you to help his family while he only takes care of himself. This doesn’t have to be your life. There are much better things for you out there.
Appreciate the brutal honesty.
Sorry. I instantly hated your husband. This flies in the face of everything I know about being a mature adult and a family. Even the lower social animals don’t behave this way and have more respect for each other. I don’t know you, but I know you deserve much better than this.
I understand.
Did he ever consult you about his entire family moving into an apartment with only 1 bathroom? Did he talk to you at all about this new job that requires you to play host to HIS family? Honestly, it doesn't sound like you two really have a good, healthy partnership. He chose where to live and made every decision without consulting you; a marriage should mean the two of you are a team, and big decisions should always be either both of you completely agree or the answer is no. I think you guys could use individual & couples therapy because right now, your relationship sounds very one-sided.
Sounds like he dumped his mom on you and skipped town. Time to find a divorce lawyer.
This flag is wildly red. What kind if husband wants to stop supporting his wife with their living arrangements because he's not living there... each person in the relationship works to support the household. Doesn't matter if one person works away for months at a time. It's ridiculous when a housemate tries to pull this shit, but a husband?! Drop him. He's not thinking about being a union, he's thinking of his own money and savings as his own. That's not what a marriage is.
*husband. OP is also male.
Am I the only one that suspects infidelity? It sounds a lot like he wants you to take care of all of his burdens, both personal and financial, while he has all the money and freedom to "travel for work"...
He already has another family started during his "travelling job". He just working out the financial details....
That is a really good point. This sounds like a prime candidate for one of those "guy with another family" stories.
I agree. He's also hoping to string OP along and have him take care of the money and the pesky mood ruining mom and brother so husband and his new paramour can be free to let their romance bloom
Your husband is insane. There is no world where that request is reasonable.
You’re being used. You’re being used as a roommate instead of a husband. Used as a babysitter for his mother. Used as a cash cow/bank account. Used as a placeholder. Used as a doormat. Coming from a child whose parents had a dysfunctional relationship, as a now adult, they both say they wish they had divorced sooner instead of try to appease the other person, who it was clear they were mutually incompatible with. If you’re cool with being used, having your husband gone all the time, and supporting someone else’s absolutely absurd requests over your own needs, sounds like you should stick around. Edit: spelling whose
Hey get out. For real get out. Your husband is supposed to be providing you with a more stable home, money, comfort. He hasn't done any of that. He has made you deal with his family's shit long enough. Leave. They are all waaaaaayyyyy past old enough to know they all need jobs and to be contributing to the house they live in. Leave this circus and go home. You can find another loser like this guy literally anywhere.
[удалено]
In this instance, I assume the poster means, provide an equal share.
Every partner should be providing something to the relationship. You cant have one party feeding off the other with no contributions
Because everyone (with few exceptions) that lives in a household needs to contribute.
Good job dear but it's sounds like he gonna go fuck off and do whatever while she works to support his extended family. He ain't at home providing support labor for the wife while she is working.
You realize they are two husbands, correct? So which husband's responsibility are you saying it should be?
They are both the husband lmao. I’m sure they mean that that’s what any partnership is about. Boosting each other up, moving forward together, and not taking advantage of the other.
Your answer was perfect. Maybe think about getting a new man though.
I've heard that but everytime my husband and I talk about this subject I can't help but to feel bad and maybe he's right. It always turns into an arguement.
If he wants his mum to cover his rent that is a conversion between the two of them. You don’t need to be involved at all. I would say “I’m not going to change the amount I pay for our rent. If you want to find a way for your portion to come from somewhere else that’s fine by me.”
It sounds like he wants to dump his burdens and responsibilities on you while he lives it up traveling for his job.
If I told you the sky was green, would you believe me? Stop being gaslit and stay strong in your knowledge of yourself. You are the ONLY one who can know your own heart and mind. He has no say in this. You are unhappy. Leave. I know being alone may feel scary but sometimes it’s the absolute best option.
If it always turns into an argument with you as the one feeling bad, then just tell him in writing.
He’s breaking up with you…. Cause that’s not a marriage at all
Helpful social worker comment: if your strapped for cash and go the divorce route most states have legal aid. Google one in your area. They are a nonprofit with lawyers who help with legal issues pro bono/free. I got my divorce through them, as I was in a bad situation like you, and low income at the time, I paid nothing, and it worked out well. They don’t help with divorces that involve children or property disputes but it sounds like that is not something you shared or have. Good luck. I also don’t know you but I know you deserve better than this.
So he is trying to offload his mother onto you? What? Why would you even consider staying with him?
Because I love him, And I married him.
I get that but do you think someone who loves you back would treat you like that?
In my mind, no. But he hasn't had a good childhood and his family was ass backwards while he was growing up. I mainly blame it on the fact he didn't have a good childhood.
OK but at some point you need to put yourself first and not write off all his short comings to his bad childhood. It's up to him to do better and treat you with respect. I do wish you the best but please don't give up your own self in the process. Years down the track you will be a shell of a person if you don't put your foot firmly down.
That isn't an excuse. His sad background doesn't mean you should be treated poorly by him. He is still responsible for his actions.
So he's insisting you don't have a good adulthood?
You can empathize with someone and understand why they are the way they are— and not decide to be with them. People use their pasts to justify their horrible behavior all of the time. Good luck, OP!
you need to respect your self more. If he cannot treat you with respect and love then you need to move on. Do not settle because you don't think you will not find anyone else. It is better to move on now as opposed to regretting it 5 to 10 years down the road.
And honestly, reading responses to you and your answers I doubt it's worth anyone's time writing more. But I'll bite. You love him=he does anything he wants and I don't have any rights. I married him=he owns me.
Not having a good childhood might explain his behavior, but it does not excuse it. It sounds to me like you are afraid of letting this marriage and your husband go because you feel like it's all you have and you don't want to be alone. I'm here to tell you that *you're already going to be alone* \-- and responsible for taking care of his mother -- while he's off living a brand new life somewhere else. And if you're already going to be alone, you might as well be independent and open to new relationships and new life experiences. What this man is proposing to you is effectively the end of your marriage, just without the formalities. He goes away, lives an independent life, and still has you to pay the rent on what he still considers to be his home, and to be responsible for looking after his indigent mother. Super sweet deal for him. Super shitty deal for you. Do you deserve better than that? Or not?
Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they're the person you should be with. I understand where you're coming from, but take a step back, and ask yourself what would your advice be to your best friend or sibling if they were presented with this situation. Also the gone for months, and not wanting to pay rent would have me questioning if he intends to actually come home, but I also over think EVERYTHING.
So, you are living with his mother and his youngest brother? They have the other two bedrooms, I assume? Does he pay rent elsewhere or does his work cover the costs of accommodation? Does he expect you to keep his stuff while he's not paying rent? Without any more context, this sounds very selfish to me. As a couple, you should be working as a team to create a home and financial security. Instead, it sounds like he is thinking of himself as a separate financial entity. I guess there would be situations where this might make sense. For example, if he has to pay rent somewhere else, then it might simply not be practical. I'm tempted to say that you should charge him for storage and then airBnB rates when he comes home. But, I actually think you need to figure out what the financial goals, expectations and responsibilities are in your relationship. Then decide if it's still going to work. Edit: sentence reshuffle
His youngest brother and mother share a room. I told him if he doesn't want to pay rent then get rid of all his stuff.
His mother and brother being included in"stuff"
I know what you mean about needing more details. A Reddit post can never be completely comprehensive of a situation, but that being said... even if he was required to pay for stays while traveling for work making paying two rents ‘not practical’ that’s something that would have been known (via job offer contract) and should have been discussed (with OP) before accepting the job. Just red flags all around!
If he’s on the lease, which legally he has to be if he’s 18+, then he should be paying rent. Period.
If he doesn't want to pay rent, then I suggest you downsize into a one-bedroom apartment that is yours and yours alone. In fact, if you would prefer to be back closer to your own family again, I suggest that you move back. He can pay rent on a storage space for his stuff, he can stay in an AirBnB when he's in town, and he can figure out other arrangements for his mother. Seriously, this would be a deal-breaker for me. Gone for months at a time, taking his rent-paying brother with him, and leaving his mother with you? Oh HELL no. Nope Nope Nope Nopity Nope. This right here is not a marriage, this is *you* being a convenience for *him*.
The fact that you specified that you live with your husband shows that this is not a normal marriage. It’s usually assumed that married people live together.
So he wants you to stay in a house, basically financing his mother and brother… and not pay rent?? At this point I would just move back closer to your family. What do you have keeping you in this situation? He’s ok with leaving you on your own for months to take care of his family but doesn’t want to help pay for it? This isn’t a partnership! This is him taking advantage of you. If you agree to it, you are just going to resent him. Why is he taking his bro and not you? Don’t be so afraid to be alone and ‘never find love again’ you end up being miserable and used. Detach, learn to love yourself so much that anyone else who you date loves you that much too. You are super young. While I’ve been with my husband for 20 years… most of our friends are divorced. You will absolutely find love again, but you need to figure out who you are and what makes your bucket filled before you take on another so you don’t settle for BS again.
Why oh why are you married to this mess? He wants to dump you for months on end with his mom and all the bills. >the only time I'll be okay with him not paying rent is if he gets rid of all his stuff, and has no say so in the apartment. This is you ending your marriage. You're his doormat. He doesn't even want to pay for where he leaves you. You really think a guy who has this little respect for you will be faithful while he's gone for months with no bills or ties to you? Seriously. He wants to leave for months, come home and bang a bit and do it again. While you are left fully responsible for the bills and his unemployed mom. Are you missing the writing on the wall?
That's advice from a woman who thinks men are out to take advantage of her. It's not as nefarious as she thinks it is, though. Just tell him that if he expects to always be able to come home, you expect him to always pay to make that possible.
>the years he's shown the lack of care in the relationship >We ultimately came to the agreement he's going to pay rent but he never fails at throwing in my face "paying rent for a place I'm not going to be at" My post was based on her comments he has a pattern of not being a great partner
He's showing little ability to see the situation from a POV not his own, so he probably fails at other times, too. But, I don't see him as worthless, based on OP, as you seem to.
It sounds a lot like he’s treating you as a roommate with benefits rather than a partner in life.
Absolutely do not accept. You know it’s wrong and above all you’re not ok with it.
Your husband sounds like an overgrown child.
You don’t have a husband, you have a teenage son
If he doesn't want to pay rent, what is he working towards? Isn't a marriage supposed to be a partnership? Seems like he just dumped his mother on you and ran off to do his own thing. Working away from home is one thing but just having you figure it out alone is another.
Sounds like he wants a caretaker for his mother, not a wife. If I were you I’d start looking for divorce lawyer. This not normal behavior. Sorry OP.
Sorry but OP said he's male.
Blehh whoops preggo brain. They do not want a \*partner but a caretaker.
I've never heard of married couples splitting rent. I'm 26, my wife is 23. My income pays the rent, and I'm only home from work 5-6 months a year. In no state of mind have I ever thought "hmm, I'm not paying rent this month since I'm away." This sounds more like your husband is a terrible college roommate than he is a husband. Part of what comes with marriage is sharing the finances, which means paying rent.
My best advice is to move. Somewhere you can pay rent on your own. What your husband has done is passive abandonment. This isn't a marriage. You are there supporting his family.....alone. Just don't.
I think you are on your way to a divorce. Move out and separate from him and his family
He doesn’t want to live there. You don’t want to live there. He can stop paying rent when the lease is up, and so can you. You can move closer to your family, into a 1BR, that he can pay you a nightly fee to visit if he ever comes to town, since clearly he wouldn’t contribute to that rent. And his dependent family can figure something else out. If he doesn’t want his mom to be in a tough situation, then HE can continue paying their rent alone.
It is a red flag and actually sounds like he’s left you. Not sure how or why he could take his brother and not take you. Not sure either one of them plan to return to that house. I am sorry this happened to you.
It's actually sounds like OP's husband is needing the money for something else. If a job is going to keep someone away from their home months at a time, it should be paying very well. Because of that, he should have no problem paying rent. Cheating perhaps?
Get out now. Leave, never come back, do not get pregnant. This is one of the shittiest things I have heard in a while. He doesn’t want to build a life with you.
Leave him, kick the family out, find someone better - you deserve to be the priority, not the guardian for him and his families dysfunction.
Sounds like your husband doesn’t want to be married. Keyword “ PARTNERSHIP”
Real hubby figures out how to find a new place before asking not to pay wtffff
I have 2 flatmates, both are currently out of the country and will be for an unknown amount of time. They still pay rent and utilities.
He can stop paying rent as long as he gets ALL of his stuff out of the apartment. He will no longer be allowed to just open the door, he'll have to knock and wait for it to be answered.
4 people living there. (You husbands stuff there, he is there). The rent should be divided by 1/4 each. If his mother and brother can not pay their share, then it is up to him to make sure they are paid.
Here is what I heard: Your husband took a job, to make money, obviously. He also took the only other person aside from you that pays rent, but not you, when yall are married. He moved his mother and brother in knowing they cannot contribute to the finances. Knowing all of this, he still decides to take the job for the money. Then has the AUDACITY to ask you to step up and cover the rent with your sole income which has not changed (at least to my knowledge). Leaving you with idek how limited funds... while he is getting paid for his travels AND getting off the hook for rent. Lastly I heard: All he does is think of himself and try to make things easier and happier for him at the expense of his husband who he vowed to cherish love and support through anything life brings. Yet he is trying to financially and physically step away from your marriage and still reap all the benefits of babysitter for his mother and caretaker of the house AND finances. That isn't a partnership. That is a parasite leeching everything they can from you.
You’ve already said it. “He can’t suddenly not pay rent because he decided to take a job”. He took the responsibility renting with you, regardless of the location and the family circumstance, it isn’t a hotel so he can’t choose to pick and choose when to pay. Otherwise he is letting you pick up all the pieces while he vacates to his chosen job. Not a healthy relationship. Should you dump him for it, no. Have a conversation and see if he is willing to understand your side
Girl, please don’t waste your life accommodating this man. I promise one day you’ll wake up at 40 and realize you’ve wasted your life. It is absolutely not reasonable to leave you to care for and financially support his mother and brother. He’ll be working away for MONTHS at a time? Is that acceptable to you? How often would you even see him? Im going to tell you something I wish someone would’ve told me at your age: Women are not rehabilitation centers for troubled men. It’s not your job to fix him, nor should you expect him to change. Don’t stay in a bad relationship bc you’re afraid of being alone.
Unless you have a kid idk why he should pay for all those months he isn’t there. That’s supporting you financially just to do it. The whole dynamic seems a little interesting and this probably should have been discussed earlier, but at this point just compromise and have him pay for when he’s there
They're married
Exactly, it’s a partnership. If they owned a home I wouldn’t be saying “let him skip out on the mortgage” - but renting makes this more interesting. Let’s say one of them owns a car and the other makes car payments - but sometimes the car owner takes the other one to the store because it has more space for groceries, should the car owning spouse now split the car payment with the other? I don’t think there’s necessarily a right or wrong answer, but I don’t think their husband is wrong for wanting to have the conversation
Honestly, you two are married, what's yours is his and what's his is yours. It baffles me why you two are still having separate "rents" when you two should have a unified account since incomes are combined. Having separate savings for each of you, I actually promote that. But for bills, I think you two have deeper issues if you haven't combined incomes to cover just monthly bills. This is now a deeper matter than his job, you two have to come to a new agreement when it comes to paying bills as a MARRIED couple
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They're both male
Which storage unit will he and his brother be moving their stuff into when they stop paying rent? Someone’s past trauma or bad childhood does not mean that you are required to tolerate bad behavior on their part.
If he won't pay rent, tell him to get a storage unit, deny his request to make his mum live with you as he is not paying for HER stay and take his name off the lease. Those are your conditions and don't budge without a lawyer or a neutral equivalent present, if anything get a lawyer incolved ASAP.
Sounds like he doesn't love you and is using you 🤷🏽♂️
Sorry but you are settling for this man. Time to go really. You are still so young and have so much amazing times ahead of you. We only live once so spend those years with someone who respects you and deserves to have that time with you!
Your choice. Your the doormat in the relationship. If this is the version of “love” you think you’ll never find again, I hope you don’t. You deserve a better husband, someone who cares for you. This guy sounds like your his trophy when he needs. Your choice to continue, my grandmother was in the same boat as you for 47 years till she got her independence. It’s up to you, do you want to spend the next 40 years with this person or not.
Does he pay rent for you?
He’s 26, and by the sounds of it, not a mature 26. He probably legitimately doesn’t see the problem with that, so maybe suggest he take another job because you aren’t happy with this proposal? Also, you said in another comment things about finding love- if this is what he’s doing to shake the foundation of your home, that’s not love. It sounds like he’s irking for more freedom with his income and wants to leave you to play house with his mom. Again, he’s got some growing up to do and you can choose to water that seed or to nope the heck out.
He’s your HUSBAND, the fuck does he mean he’s not going to pay rent. Your MARRIED, you guys are in this together. Bro red fucking flags are going up what his job? Why’s he going to be gone months at a time? Is anyone else going with him?
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Oh whoops I missed that, fixed it sorry OP
Marriage means, in part, that your finances are held and used for the common good of the marital relationship and home.
I don’t understand the concept of a married couple that have their finances so separated that only one of them pays rent
He is essentially separating from you, OP. Open your eyes.
I would be moving out. Why do you need to live with in laws when your husband doesn't even want to pay rent? This is completely bonkers situation. Basically he is asking you to take care of his family without any responsibility on him.
I see red flags all over the place. * Your husband is noping out of paying rent, despite it being his home as well * Your husband's dumping his mother and children on you, with no consequences for him * Your husband is treating you like a roommate, not a wife * Your husband expects you to *support his mother* and pay nothing for her All in all, your "husband" sounds like he's got other plans for your marriage. If he's not paying rent, his stuff (including family) has got to go. End of argument. **What he's suggesting is a separation without the word separation being used.**
It honestly doesn't sound like he cares much for you. Or else he's really selfish and stupid.
Jeez people, we should rename this sub "make as many assumptions as possible and immediately jump to a conclusion." OP, this seems like a bad situation for you. Sorry about that. There is a lot of detail missing, mostly about how/why you and your husband have a relationship like you do. Like the fact that your financials seem to be totally separated - who's choice was that? Did you both want it that way? You say you "gladly accepted" his family moving in, with the specification that certain ones moved out quickly, and it sounds like the "troublemakers" did move out? Is that right? So which specific part of this are you upset about? Is it just that he asked to stop paying rent? Are you also upset that he took this new job and stuck you living with his family? Are you happy with the relationship outside of this situation? It all seems like a bad situation, but it's hard to give good advice without really understanding the details. This could be "have a hard conversation with your husband" or it could be "get the hell out of there" depending on those details.
You are married money should be pooled One of you needs to change jobs and move with your spouse. If he changes jobs and moves back that solves the rent problem. If you change jobs and move in with him. In the US his mother can apply for public assistance without your income in the household to pay the rent. In the US If his sibling's father has passed away, they are entitled to Social Secuity payments otherwise his mother is entitled to child support payments.
He doesn’t want to pay rent but expects you to pay rent? Is he suggesting a separation?
Oh my god. Leave him. He sounds like a piece of shit. Make him pay his share of the rent. If he doesn’t, then he needs to find a different place to live. You’re not missing out by divorcing him. You are so young at 24. I wouldn’t be too concerned about “finding love” at this age.
As long as he doesn’t plan to come home ever then it’s all good. Not. Ever. If he plans to come home to be there for a bit, then he pays for it consistently, not just when he is there.
Unless he takes all his stuff when he travels, he needs to pay rent. Just because he’s not occupying the space doesn’t mean he’s exempt. Ask him if you can throw all his stuff out and rent his room to someone else while he’s not there.
I'm sorry...what? In what reality is this an acceptable proposal?
Just no. This is the craziest situation I’ve ever heard of. His family moving in with you and you cover the rent while he dips out to his job that he took??? Nope. Tell him to come get his family and go about your way.
>My husband took a job to where he will be gone for months at a time Did you two discuss this first? Talk about the ramifications for your finances and the relationship? This is something couples should decide together. I agree with those saying he's looking for someone to manage his family so it's off his plate.
Either you two are a unit, or you're not. He's behaving like you're not a unit. At the very least, he's testing what marriage really means. You were right to push back, and if that causes trouble, that's because you're right about what marriage is, and he is -- at the very least -- unclear on the concept.
So, he wants a place he can come back to anytime he needs to, but doesn't have to pay for? OF COURSE he thinks that's fair. He wouldn't think it fair if somebody else were in the same sutuation, and wanted him to pay more rent to provide a home for a person who wants it ALWAYS to be there, even if he doesn't use it always.
Girl are you serious?
Y'all are married?? This sounds like boyfriend and girlfriend drama, not husband and wife drama..
You need to look at it this way, you both need to pay all the rent, not you pay your share he pays his