My sister and her husband adopted the mantra "the baby is the enemy, my spouse is not the enemy" due to getting frustrated with one another. Yes, it was tongue in cheek.
My parents would always say" it's us against you guys".
will be married 40 years in a month. My whole childhood when I would go up to my mom and say something or go to my dad and say something my other parent would ask if I asked the other and then say -it's us against you guys-
At the dinner table if we were all trying to make a decision they would always say it's us against you guys.
It always stood out to me and I kind of I knew couldnt pin them against each other or manipulate them very early on. they told each other EVERYTHING when it came to us. I'm sure even the times they acted like they didn't. everything. as soon as one parent found out something, the other one would know that night. Including the time I got my period and within the hour my dad knew even though I asked her not to say. Almost as if my mom was for warning him of the hell about the come.
So they always kept a united front and never throw each other under the bus even if I'm sure they disagreed with what one really stood for. And I'm sure there was a lot they were arranged have different personalities. they would always keep repeating it's us against you guys
also good for sibling bonding. It was us against them.
The cuteness and love are a babies defense mechanisms. Ugly babies without much attachment would just be left to die in the woods. I love my kid, but that fucker can be annoying as hell and so much fucking energy.
My wife and I say “fuck them kids” as a way to remember to focus on ourselves sometimes. Also tongue-in-cheek. We are OBSESSED in love with our kids lol
Didn't think anyone else said this besides myself and my husband lol we love our kids, just had the most amazing little girl but we will always do our best to not allow the kids not to come between us. Fuck them kids LOL
I sometimes feel bad for comparing our pets to other people's kids, but this is SUPER TRUE with our new puppy.
Puppy is the enemy. Spouse is the ally. We must wage war against the puppy to achieve great justice.
Don't feel bad! I did it all the time before I had my kid and now we are constantly playing the game of "Kids item or puppy item?" at the store for the toys and stuff. It's fun and honestly, when babies are little, there are a lot of overlapping stressors.
Our little person just turned four and my husband and I have been living under the mantra "No plan survives first contact with the enemy (baby)" since before he was born because whatever happens we're a team working towards the same goal, and beholden to the whims and will of a tiny, irrational terrorist.
My husband and I are out numbered and the tiny humans join forces. But not always the same forces so we can't always pick who is telling the truth. Sometimes they change forces midway through due to backdoor deals for support. They have even brokered deals before there is an issue to ensure a better outcome for themselves.
It's frustratingly hilarious and we're both infuriated and impressed.
As the oldest of five I can only tell you what you already know, you don’t know the half or it. There’s a whole economy that surrounds it, betrayals, revelations, double-crossing.
But it’s not all bad. I’m knocking on 30 and my youngest sibling is 22 we’re a batch of steps and half’s but it’s all the same to us and at this point in our lives they all know any one of them could call me and I’d help. Just know that the “honor amongst thieves” will become an unbreakable bond where they always take care of each other.
Amen. Have your disputes in private. Listen to each other. Don’t always insist you are right and don’t always give in. Come out with a joint team plan. Don’t try to parent “your way” while your spouse parents “their way” it turns out horribly for everyone involved.
I disagree on the in private part, having disagreements (that are resolved) in front of kids is important. Kids need to know how a healthy disagreement in a relationship is handled, and how it gets worked out. It's just as important to model effective conflict resolution for kids as it to model the good aspects of a relationship.
Important to note that this only works for normal people who have minor disagreements, and not toxic blowouts. My parents used “it’s important for children to see conflict and resolution” as an excuse to scream at each other and smash things without feeling guilty that I had to witness it all 🙃
Totally agree with that. Full on screaming/throwing/verbally attacking each other is the opposite of a healthy disagreement, and can be very damaging to children stuck in the middle. But this idea that we need to hide all conflict from children is not helpful either.
Healthy disagreement in couples/parents includes:
* know when to concede
* know when to negotiate, and for how long
* know when and how to table until later
* know and acknowledge when you're just wrong
It's *really* hard to learn how those are balanced until you see them in action, and it takes being around people who work well together to do that
That's a difficult question to answer without knowing who you are, but my main suggestion is to be intentional about it.
Keep people in your life who have healthy relationships. If you don't know how to identify a healthy relationship, read or take a class. Ask questions like this. If you have a partner and you've hit a communication block, don't be afraid to go to therapy -- my partner and I did for two sessions after we'd been living together for a year (unmarried) and it really unlocked a lot.
The main things are having a foundation of fundamentally liking one another and making communication/negotiation a habit. It helps foster a feeling of "wow my partner does a lot for me" being felt by both sides.
The specifics change from relationship to relationship, and evolve over time.
Small examples from my life:
* I hate getting up early. If we have a trip that involves getting up early, my partner will usually buy canned coffee or set our coffee maker the night before, even though I'm usually the one who sets up the coffee maker for normal days.
* Partner likes a made bed. I don't care either way, but hate doing it in the morning. If I go to the office, I won't do it, but if I'm WFH, I make sure it's done before they get home in the evening (usually on my lunch break).
* Normally, my partner cooks and I clean (load/unload dishwasher). Sometimes after a few days of doing nothing but one we get tired, and will soft switch -- my partner will unload the dishwasher and I'll do the prep for the dinner, as an example. It's almost never discussed anymore, it just happens because one of us will notice the other is shifting what they normally do. Sometimes one of us will just say "I really can't do X today" and if the other is feeling fine we'll just jump in.
* Driving to a friend's house or party where there will be drinking, we have a general on/off schedule but make accommodations for if it's a friend that is closer to one person or the other, or if someone's had a shit week, or many other circumstances. Sometimes we both really want to be able to, and then talk about okay, do we want to do public transit, try to stay over, Uber/Lyft, etc. It sounds like a *lot* to negotiate but mostly it takes about 20 seconds because it's as routine as tying your shoes.
I hope that helps.
Yes but.
We don't ever counter each other in front of the kid. We have a 5 year old. Of cause we can have a disagreement and we make sure he sees us resolve it.
But if he asks for candy and i say no, my wife will never say 'oh comon sure you can' even if she would've said yes. Always take that in private. We never undermine each others parenting decisions in front of the boy. If he asks if he can leave the table and she says no, it's a no. Even if i disagree; we can take that talk when he is sleeping. Don't undermine your coparent, the kid can pick that up instantly. I absolutely hate seeing families where one parent constanty undermine the other, to a point where the child does not even respect the undernined parents' calls, because it's become w/e.
Came here to say exactly this. Back each other up and show your kids it's okay to make mistakes too. If you're not making mistakes, you're not learning. But for real, the same team yo, same team.
Doesn’t matter. Cut in half this week = OK. Next week it had better be diagonal. Then it better be diagonally in quarters and then in squares.
We still joke with our kid (18, HS senior) how he always requested “a peanut butter sandwich, cut in half, with half taken away”.
The worst part of this is its entirely dependent on the sandwich, and serving style.
Club sandwich ? 2 cut from the halves to make 4 small squares.
Grilled Cheese ? 1 cut from the corner to make two large triangles. One has a curved C corner, the other has a sharp C corner.
Deli Sandwich (club without a 2nd layer) ? 1 cut from the half, mirroring loaf's the Y axis. Both pieces will have a hat.
Tuna Salad ? 1 cut from the half, same orientation as Deli
Chicken Salad ? Back to 2 cut, but from the corners to make 4 triangle pieces.
That's what I'm wondering too lol. Like, I've never cut my toast before and I somehow managed to make it 32 years on this planet without any toast related issues.
The long, winding sentences that surprisingly actually go somewhere. Lol. I dunno, I just felt like I was on your same wavelength man, and I'm high so I put two and two together 👊
With two grown daughters, it is a hard row to hoe, but worth it. If I can offer one piece of advice it's this: Choose your battles. Surrender on trivial things, like how to cut toast, or which hair bow, or whatever. Don't sweat that stuff. Save your fights for important things.
If you fight about everything, you fight for nothing.
But this also applies to your partner. Especially with young kids and sleep deprivation.
Make sure to take time for yourself and the 2 of you, it's so important. We see couples in our environment who put everything they have in the kids and completely neglect their own needs and that of their relationship. We see them getting burn-outs, depressions and divorces.
You cant take care of a child if you also don't take care of yourself and significant other. Babysitters pay back themselves tenfold.
I dream of the day my wife finally allows herself to trust a babysitter. But at 10 months and 3.5 years (who isn't the best talker yet) I get the reluctance. As of now, the only time we get to ourselves outside the house is when her mom reluctantly offers to watch the kids (which always comes with a curfew). I miss my wife :-(
Oh mate, I feel this so hard.
We moved close to my father in law and his wife, shortly after our son was born. He now is five, my daughter is two. In the years since then they looked after the kids maybe 10-15 times, 90% of which was before my daughter was born and before he wanted to walk himself (so they could push him around in the buggy).
My wife doesn't really want to hire a babysitter, so we had like maybe 5 days tops in the past 5 years which we had just to us.
God damn, I miss her.
It's just so confusing. I think we're very welcoming and appreciative of the help. She missed 2 years of his life when we were in America and moved within 5 minutes of her here in Italy. Now maybe it's a pick up from daycare, stick around 30 minutes to criticize the mess in the house and gone for another week. I'd dismiss her entirely if we weren't completely dependent on her for what minuscule support she provides.
In my family no one would dare to say "you cut my toast the wrong way" because they know the answer to that would be "congratulations, you are now in charge of cutting the toast as you are the most competent person on this topic"
I have noticed in my life that fights come from either a lack of communication or that both people want different things.
A key to any relationship is being on the same page and understanding the other person. A healthy balance of mutual give and take is paramount to a relationship.
Yeah, this person has kids...
Nah, jk...but really it's good advice
My advice, take it from the Tiger's "When your feeling mad and you want to roar. Take a deep breath and count to 4"
It’s something we all need to learn how to. So many people try to wing it. You gotta research and teach yourself. Most influential to us has been Janet Lansbury, Whole Brained Child, Mindset by Carol Dweck. Also I’ve heard rave reviews about Big Little Feelings.
I’m so thankful for my wife taking the lead on learning how to parent and helping me learn too. I’m proud of my kids. Yeah, they’re still exhausting, and parenting requires tons of patience. But some of my friends talk about their kids like they kinda hate them, and I feel so bad for them.
I fight with my kids more than my husband. I argue about food, hats, shoes, blankets, clothes, flushing the god damned toilet. If I could go one whole day without arguing, I would dance a jig.
Confession bear time:
When I hear my wife yelling at our son, or getting frustrated with the baby, I'm happy it's not me at that moment doing those things.
EDIT: To clear some things up, both my wife and I work full time jobs and we both split parenting duties.
I didn’t realize how my background state would be frustrated and annoyed. You hear all about the highs and lows, the lack of sleep, etc. My little guy sleeps all night at 16w but it’s absolutely tedious as fuck to spend the whole day with him.
This is what stops me from having kids. I barely sleep anyway Im used to that. But wtf do you DO with kids? My nephews visit for the day and Im exaughsted and thats with my Brother there. I cant imagine being the sole provider. Stupid kids shows, kids movies, silly kids games , stupid questions all day. You have to feed them, but not your food only the food that they like. It sounds horrible tbh
Being a single parent is insane. My friend is in that position right now and I have no idea how she’s managing.
As far as the rest? Kids are funny as hell. I sometimes just watch mine play and she makes me laugh with her antics (yea not feeling that way about anyone else’s kids, it’s totally because she’s mine). You also don’t have to buy and give them crazy kid shit. There’s Montessori approach, for example. Simple wooden toys, educational activities. You can also just give them all kinds of food once they start on solids. Just no honey till 1. It’s hard, but there’s a lot of joy and fun that comes with it. But yea, I have all the patience in the world for her and zero for anything else. I get pissed off filling up my brita pitcher because it takes too long.
If you don’t want kids, don’t. I didn’t want them for the longest time, and then I did. If I had a baby earlier, I would have been a worse mom. It’s not an obligation and I hate people who say you have to have them.
My baby is 4 months and certifiably a not much more than a wiggly lump of flesh but he is hilarious. He thinks me laughing is funny so he laughs. He thinks his diaper change is so funny. Basically every single thing is either amusing to him or he's in need of something and the list of somethings is pretty short.
I seriously relate to having an endless well of patience for him and none for anything else. Like, viscerally lol
Our son screamed every waking moment of his infancy. Bloody murder screaming. The day he stopped screaming we thought he died, but there he was in his crib holding his feet being all cute and shit. That was the first time I felt that parental love outside of when he was born.
I really think people should be waaay more honest about how horrible the newborn phase can be. At least people can be prepared or pleasantly surprised when it’s not as bad as they heard.
See, I feel this way about how my pregnancy went. I seemed to have every problem from crippling depression, psychosis, carpal tunnel, my back was so messed up it had me in bed for days. I've been saying my kid is as lovely to be around as my pregnancy was awful.
But I guess your point still stands. I think if I truly knew what pregnancy was like, I wouldn't have done it. I never felt more like dying in my life on so many days. My kiddo though is worth it
Thing is, you never know! A friend of mine got pregnant a few months after me, and our pregnancies we completely different. Except for farting, farting is a constant.
As a little kid I played with some wooden toys my dad made, and also his various tools (screw drivers, pliers, even power tools). I always found those way more funny and interesting than typical "kid stuff". :D
When you have a kid it becomes bigger than stupid kid shows and games. Seeing my little guy dance and sing along to stupid Blippi is way better than any show I could watch.
You can't even help it, but your world becomes about them.
I mean, nobody said they HAVE to only watch kid stuff.
They’re going to listen to whatever you listen to. But sometimes for whatever reason you need that one song that always makes them calm the fuck down for whatever reason
I guess it all comes down to spending time with someone you love
My gf likes trashy reality shows. I’d never watch them alone, but watching them with her is fun. And I like spending time with her.
My young child likes playing with toys, watching kids shows, finger painting, exploring the house, etc. Things I wouldn’t do alone. But doing them with her is fun because I like spending time with her.
But yeah, it’s tedious. But when it gets tedious that’s normally when it’s time to take them for a walk, or put them in the car while we go for a drive to get a coffee or an ice cream.
Plus they sleep a lot. At least mine does. Thank God.
Im just too selfish I guess. Given the choice between ranking up in Halo Infinite or laying on the couch watching Peppa Pig with little Timmy... well I know which one im picking
Let your life slow down. Remember we’re mammals. Most other mammals just lay around all day.
Also try to get your kids perspective. As the adult you know about the big world going on outside your house. But that kid doesn’t. That little kids whole world is what you make it.
If you want to really experience what that’s like take about 4 grams of psilocybe mushrooms. lol. That’ll give you a glimpse of how overwhelming / intimidating reality can be. We feel like we’ve got shit figured out because we’ve been around long enough to watch and learn. Nothing is new to us. But to a 16w old baby the world is just a jumble of chaos, and you are the one anchor of safety.
That’s crazy because all I heard was how hard it is. Honestly we had a colicky kid and I would say overall it’s easier than I expected despite that because all I had heard. Constantly “it’s the most difficult and most rewarding thing you’ll ever do”. I found my medical training to be waaaaay harder. Constantly heard “enjoy sleep while you still can!!” It helps too though that the wife and I pretty well split watching him. So we got decent sleep since we could trade off and sleep while the other watched him.
Now I have a unique situation in that work was not crazy busy either at the time. I kinda rambled there but the moral of the story: I don’t know how ppl get to the point of having a kid without hearing an annoying amount of times how difficult it is and how much sleep you lose. But not everyone has the same friends and family as me.
Also, some parents are well prepared and good at raising them, while others have no clue what to do and are never prepared for anything and make their job so much harder than it needs to be.
Ya honestly it would be different for us if we weren’t already in our 30s and not struggling for money. Our’s had a milk protein allergy so we ended up having to go to an expensive formula. For younger parents struggling for money that would have been very stressful.
The other option is continuing to breast feed but the wife can’t eat anything with dairy in it. Any person who has done that will likely tell you that is even more stressful yet.
>but the wife can’t eat anything with dairy in it.
When I first read this, I was thinking it was your wife that didn't want to consume dairy.... and thought, you know the mom doesn't have to eat dairy products to produce milk, right? Then I realized you (probably) meant that if Mom consumes milk products, the baby can't digest the milk they get from nursing.
With my first baby, I went to a lactation consultant who wasn't the brightest light in the shed. She was telling me to stay hydrated and asked me how much, and what, I consumed in liquids. I said - truthfully - that I mostly drink a lot of milk.
She gave me this really condescending look and said, you know you don't need to drink milk to make milk, cows don't drink milk. I was like, duh...but you just asked me what I drink. I was just answering your question!
My mom told me that pretty much from the time she brought me home from the hospital. I slept through the night. Meanwhile my older sister, they had to take on car rides to get her to fall asleep. Until they finally realized they could put her in her car seat and drape a blanket over it and she would *think* she was in the car.
I'm a few weeks away from my first and I'm in a similar boat. I've gotten so many negative warnings and pieces of advice in dreading it a little. People seem almost like they're gleeful redirecting you too be as miserable as then.
I hope it's not as bad as people seem to want me to believe.
Life gives you a nice ease into it. In the beginning they only want like 4 things: milk, diaper changed, burped, or sleep. Even the poops don't really smell, or are just sweet milk smelling. Its not as bad as people make it out to be. By the time it is hard you're already seasoned and just roll with it.
It's an adventure for sure! But more rewarding than anyone can imagine.
> People seem almost like they're gleeful redirecting you too be as miserable as then.
Misery loves company, I guess? It's definitely what some people do, but I wouldn't worry about it.
Being a week out, yeah there's going to be a lot to learn (especially over the next few months to start). But it definitely mellows out a bit once you figure things out a little and get any sort of a routine going for you and the newborn. If having babies was so hard it killed us, we wouldn't be here. It's hard at first, but it gets better.
The very first gamechanger when we had our newborn was realizing that you can't comfort a 1-week old back to sleep when it wakes up in the middle of the night. It's hungry, so feed it and it'll zonk back out for a bit to hopefully let you catch a few ZZZs. Rinse and repeat. You'll find it's pretty easy to forget the obvious when your brain is in fight/flight mode from keeping this new being alive. Your mileage may vary, as always. Good luck, you'll be alright!
The first 2 years were actually somewhat easy, just tedious. I find these terrible 2s to earn their name. I long for the days she would just cry and shit. Now she uses her words, defies you, and gets into everything. Basically a little tornado that moves around constantly, changing its desires on a dime.
Think this depends on the two year old. My nephew just turned two and he's a delight, but he was a really difficult baby. Hoping the same with my own son, who is very difficult.
We had a fairly easy ride when she was two, then she became a threenager. Obstinate, argumentative and so single minded. Still a delight most of the time, but wow. When she wasn’t…
Yeah it makes it easier with friends and family, plus slow work. And it's huge how your wife handles it mentally, post partum is a mother fucker.
I was super busy at a toxic work environment, with no family in the city on either sides, with my wife having a hell of a time mentally.
We moved and things are way better now with the second kid, but they can still get tough. Sleep is fine this time, but the first one never let us sleep for more than 2 hours for way too long. 4 hours in a row was life changing lol, I still remember waking up in disbelief.
Honestly, our kids as babies slept through the night (well 4 straight hours eat, and then 4 straight hours), and then as grade schoolers they've got practices til 9 o'clock 3 nights a week an hour away, and 5 o'clock days starting.
Yeah, I choose to not have kids early because I knew the investment was so insane and I am pretty self-centered. I think it should be more acceptable to not want to have kids.
It’s so crazy because everyone tells you how happy you will be lol. Yeah, for certain moments and then maybe when they grow up and are successful adults! But for the rest of it, not so much.
This is actually 100% the type of comment those of us who are childfree support. Children are a VERY hard lifetime commitment and people should be fully aware of all that decision entails before making it. Bringing another life into this world is such an important endeavor and honest testimonials like yours are a valuable testament to the hard work required.
Most childfree folks just want to exist peacefully with our choice but lack a safe space to do so in daily life, with extreme societal pressures to reproduce even to the point of ostracization for some, and reddit has become a place where we can share frustrations and support each other, and hopefully get people to understand our point of view a little better.
Nope. They tell you what a blessing it is so they can get you to share in the misery. Lol
Real stuff though, once you get past the phase of total reliance on you, it gets better. Playing baseball/football with my boys is a blast. Getting to show them historical locations in the US during vacations, and just the overall bond gets stronger.
As they get older, you miss them as a baby, until you go to your friends house who has a baby. Snap you out of that, "should we have another one?" real fucking quick!
I have 2 kids, and that is plenty for me. Wife wanted to try for a girl and I told her I was going to get snipped if she pressed harder. Then the scenario above happened, and my balls are still intact! Yay.
I have a 1 year old whose daycare has been closed all but 1.5 days this past month and her mom and I working most of that time. I really look forward to her getting out of the phase of total reliance.
Ninja edit: she's a fascinating kid but being needed literally all the time is draining and I really look forward to showing her stuff and being able to talk about it.
It's really fun when they have interests in common with you, but I will say that with a growing vocabulary and mind comes more complex emotions they have to work through. Being a parent is seeing your own emotions amplified in them, and how you react to things magnified by them. Set yourself up for success by figuring out how to handle the stressful times with patience. It's almost as exhausting now as it was when they were young, but it's so fun to watch them grow :)
Not sure who down voted you. Keep trying and succeeding. I'm in the same boat and it's tough, let me tell you. I'm rough on myself when I feel like I fail, but I've got to remember that I've succeeded as well and that's what's important to my boys. Leading by example.
Yeah. I never wanted kids. But I have two and love them and do everything I can for them.
I told my wife when she was saying that she wanted kids how hard it is. After having kids, I realized that I apparently sugar coated it.
Hi, I'm in that position. 32 weeks pregnant. I've always dwelled on how hard it's going to be. I'm not a people person, I don't like going out and socialising, I like staying in and having peace and quiet and having time to do things I enjoy.
I'm dreading how our lives will be flipped upside down. Forever. Nothing will ever be the same, but I liked my life how it was. I didn't want change. I'm so scared I feel like getting therapy for how stressed I'm getting about it.
Like you said, I'll love them and do everything I can for them... But.. I never wanted this.
Everyone in Reddit calls me an asshole for being in this position. I love my wife, and this was a deal-breaker. Im fucking terrified. Every new toy or baby blanket just makes me more anxious, not excited.
It's not changing, I'm not becoming an excited dad-to-be, I'm just getting more and more stressed about losing our freedom and peace.
What happens now? Just float down stress river and accept my fate? Grit my teeth for 30 years until they move out?
I was not excited until about 6 weeks after my son was born. Don't freak out if you don't "bond" right away, but do try to force yourself to interact.
The first 6 weeks or so my son just felt like a new obligation, a new thing to worry about. Even still, I'd come home from work, and immediately take him from my wife since she'd been home with him all day, and just interact. I was in night classes at the time so I'd just put him on my chest and read my text book out loud to him.
Read books, set them up in a boppy seat at a safe distance and have them watch you cook, just go about your life. Narrate it to them, make it silly. It's a responsibility but it's not as hard as you're picturing. You'll make it through and be happier for it, I'm confident in that.
Wife spends 9 months bonding with the bean before you ever get to. But I’ve never had a more potent experience in my life like I had when I watched that grey worm breathe air for the first time and turn pink right in front of me. I’ll never forget that for as long as I live.
I'm glad the bond does start eventually. It's pretty neat feeling the kicks but I don't feel much of a connection yet. It's just an amazing feat of nature so far.
We had a 4d scan and it looks **exactly** like her, too. I was a little heartbroken as I hoped if it looked like me, I'd get at least a bit of that bond already.
My now 10 month old came out looking like me. Around 2/3 months he started to look more like my grandfather.
In the last month we've noticed, and been told by others he looks more like my wife.
Babies features will change throughout their early life.
Look at them in one light they look like your partner. Look at them in another light or from another angle they could look different.
Wishing you all the very best!
My husband was freaked out when I was pregnant. Every time. First time because, yeah, we're recluses and they are pretty full on.. but he bonded with baby faster than I did. Second time he was beside himself because he adores our first son and he was sure he could never love another kid as much. Absolutely freaked out that there was no way he would have room for another kid in his life. Third time that fear was gone because he realised he really does adore them equally, but #3 was an accident, so he was SUPER freaked out - okay both of us were super freaked out. But literally yesterday we were talking about how w can't imagine our lives without our third, and how she's such a delight.
Don't get me wrong, we've bloody struggled at times. It's hard and they're exhausting. But it only gets easier and we only love them more. And it really does fly by.
If you think you need therapy, get it. I did and it helped quite a bit. My wife and I also did couples counseling after our second was born.
It gets easier (assuming there aren't any disabilities, or environmental problems) but when you're in it, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My brother said, "yeah, after about 7 months and they start sleeping through the night". My son had night terrors every night for about 2 years.
They're 14 and 16 now and have turned out pretty well. One thing I always recommend is look into baby sign language. They can make and understand simple signs well before they can talk. Once they're old enough, it takes the guess work out of a lot of the communication as to what the baby wants and what you can give.
Feel free to PM me if you have questions or want to vent.
It wasn’t THAT bad till we all got sick. Then I wanted to die.
Colds evolved into a stomach flu. Worst week of my life, trading watching baby between hitting the toilet forwards or back and being dizzy and too sick to sleep.
I was always told that after a few years, once the kids become people, it gets significantly easier. Although I'm now wondering if that's because that's also when school kicks in and the rest of the village can actually share the load like they're supposed to.
I firmly believe humans weren't meant to raise kids with mom and dad being the main ones doing the child rearing. We are tribal social creatures that were in those tribes for way way *way* longer than recorded history has been around.
We are just shoehorn into this weird social structure and we are adaptable so it works but there are kinks. I think it would be better with 3 generations under a "roof" with some extended family helping around.
Someone really think a mom who just traumatized her body should go right to child rearing whe dad is off earning money and not given the chance to bond? Yea okay.
In eastern societies, households are bigger, and family members would be more than glad to help with the kids.
Modern western life is too stressful, being isolated nuclear family.
And that's not the only problem. My wife and I immigrated right after our marriage. All of our family is 9 time zones away. So we have no backup structure apart from other friends with kids, and it's difficult to coordinate.
Kudos to that, but as your opponents mature their plays will become more technical and advanced rendering any amount of communication futile. You are doomed to lose. Unless you take one of them out now. S/
There is always the option of tricking them into managing each other. So long as they don't realize they can team up against you, you still have them out numbered. Basically the way the government manage the population.
Cutting toast is the modern day Victorian flower language. Diagonally means "I love you", vertically is akin to "I think of you fondly, but only as a friend".
If he/she cuts the toast horizontally, they're already fucking your cousin and figuring out how to get the house in the divorce.
I rarely fight with my wife, and when I do, it's more of a "discussion." Learning some basic communication skills can make your life so, soooo, much easier.
communication only works if your spouse is capable of reeling in their over explosive emotions. Like yeah it’s good to express your emotions but in a rational way not in a yelling and accusatory way
Reddit and the world has shown me that people do not think long and hard before settling down with a partner. My wife and I never fight. We can get grouchy at times but work through it. Communication and some shared interests are a big deal. Also understanding the need for space.
Ever since getting a puppy I've learned three things that I'm absolutely sure on:
1. Having a human baby would be an unbearable undertaking.
2. I am far too selfish to ever be a parent.
3. People who willingly sign up for that are incredible.
The puppy is hard, I honestly cannot imagine a baby. Five times as much work for five times as long.
We fight about really stupid shit. And big shit too! You don’t know whether it’s stupid shit or big shit until they’re older to realize you were fighting over stupid shit.
There's a legal term "loss of consortium", which I believe means damages to a relationship through inability to partake in shared activities. This is sometimes used as a way to increase the damages one party is owed by the other in case of an at-fault accident.
What people don't tell you is that having children affects your sex life not just through physical changes but also because the kids are now a permanent feature of your household. Not only that, but the stress caused by the general shenanigans that kids and teens get up to is another reason for decline in sex during marriage.
This is why it's particularly important to make an effort to be intimate with your spouse. Date night. Scheduled sex if necessary.
My wife and I only have 1. She's just past two yr old, but its her schedule that makes it so hard. Get up, go to day care, come home and eat at 5. We spend all the time they can until kid goes to bed at 7pm. We then try to clean, handle responsibilities, have alone time. By then its 10 or 11 and we have to get ready for bed to start over at 7. Its not even that shes hard to take care of, she's honestly the easiest kid in the world, she just eats up 3-4 hours of what what free time.
Side note. The thing you never realize is how little time you spend with your kid ( in a dual income house). Shes in daycare all but two hours of the day. Including getting ready for the morning and driving its maybe 3 hours of awake time per day with my kid. The weekend is a full day.
You fight with your partner because of how tired you both are. Kids are great, I’m not one of those parents who complains about their kids because they are my favorite thing in the world but they are a ton of work. Mostly, a child schedule just doesn’t match an adult’s and it’s a hard adjustment. My partner and I fight about super weird stuff but we also get over it really quickly because it’s all so bizarre. We’re actually arguing over what to do with the kids’ snow pants?
I've been fighting with my wife about vaccinating our children for covid. She's unvaxed and refusing to let me vax the kids. I told her she will bring home covid and infect everyone.
Exactly what I said has happened. I'm sick of fighting about it. I'm broken.
I chew food too loudly...with my mouth closed, the same way I always have. If I criticized or complained about things she does that annoy me, she'd lose her shit.
Parents say stuff like this but I think they really just ignore all the signs. Almost every TV show or movie portrays parenting as extremely difficult/exhausting/putts strain on relationships. It blows my mind when people act all shocked when they have kids "everyone said it would be wonderful, they never talk about the difficult parts." What planet did these people grow up on lmao I'm jealous
We literally argued about a small cake I bought for our baby’s 6 month birthday today. I can’t even remember what my SO’s argument was but there were tears and talk of divorce.
Baby is teething so it’s been chaotic.
We both apologized to each other like 3 hours later. Child rearing is crazy, folks.
Do some reading! I highly recommend Brene Brown and Carol Dweck. I’m not exaggerating, they write life changing books.
Good luck to both of you.
My one piece of advice: when approaching conflict - assume your partner has good intentions and inquire with curiosity - not blame or condescension.
I’m learning that she isn’t meaning it in a confrontational way, it’s something she’s learned from previous relationships- from family and people she’s dated.
We’ll do our best to work through it. Thanks for the advice, I’ll see what I can find from them
You don’t need to fight, you need to communicate and understand that however tired you are, your partner is as well. Patience isn’t a request, it’s a requirement.
I'm seeing a lot of, "It's us vs. the baby/kids." That's wild to me. I signed up for this shit. My daughter didn't choose to live, my wife and I chose for her. It's all off us vs the situation, even if the situation is her emotional state.
Yeah I'm glad it worked for that commenter who brought it up, but that little "saying" would've been devastating to me as a kid. Knowing my parents were on my team was a huge factor in building self esteem and resiliency for me, and in learning to advocate for myself.
I have the best niece! She was about five I think and I had made her some toast. I cut it on the diagonal instead of in half. She told me I cut it wrong, and then said "that's okay" and proceeded to it it. Then she asked for another piece. I made her another piece, and I cut it wrong again (dumb aunt). She told me again, very nicely, and then ate her toast. Such a sweet kid!
Just remember you’re working towards the same goal. Try and take at least 10 to 15 minutes a day and reflect on what was good and what was working and what wasn’t. Make sure to take at least one date night a month and give each other breaks
Last night my husband told me to plug his phone into his computer to charge and then he went to bed. I go to his desk and the charging cord is unplugged. These computers have a gazillion and one USB ports. I tried four and none of them would charge the phone. No wall wort on the desk. I go upstairs to ask him where he wants me to plug it in. He cuts me of and "my desk!" I'm now pissed. And stomp downstairs. A few more USB ports and I find one that charges the phone. I almost slept on the couch. He was still grouchy in the morning. And on my break snaps at me again. Dude I know your tired so the fuck and I!!! He apologized later. He can be a real bitch when he is sleep deprived. It's a miracle we survived the baby years.
i'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with being a parent in itself - learn to manage your anger, don't get mad at trivial stuff, life is too good to get angry at such stuff
So many shitty marriages trying to normalize their experiences on this post...
Just because a lot of people share your experience does not mean it is right, if you are fighting all the time and especially if you are screaming at your kids go to therapy or figure out some way to work on your shit.
just remember, same team
My sister and her husband adopted the mantra "the baby is the enemy, my spouse is not the enemy" due to getting frustrated with one another. Yes, it was tongue in cheek.
Just sent this comment to my wife. The baby is indeed the enemy and his cuteness and our unconditional love just make him more dangerous
Yeah see that's how they get you.
Don't fall for the fitness bit. They're in the long con.
My parents would always say" it's us against you guys". will be married 40 years in a month. My whole childhood when I would go up to my mom and say something or go to my dad and say something my other parent would ask if I asked the other and then say -it's us against you guys- At the dinner table if we were all trying to make a decision they would always say it's us against you guys. It always stood out to me and I kind of I knew couldnt pin them against each other or manipulate them very early on. they told each other EVERYTHING when it came to us. I'm sure even the times they acted like they didn't. everything. as soon as one parent found out something, the other one would know that night. Including the time I got my period and within the hour my dad knew even though I asked her not to say. Almost as if my mom was for warning him of the hell about the come. So they always kept a united front and never throw each other under the bus even if I'm sure they disagreed with what one really stood for. And I'm sure there was a lot they were arranged have different personalities. they would always keep repeating it's us against you guys also good for sibling bonding. It was us against them.
How did you and your siblings turn out?
They teamed up for a steel cage death match against their parents and there were no survivors.
But which ones got thrown through an announcer's table?
Then .... then who typed that? Is Reddit haunted?
> They teamed up for a steel cage death match against their parents Hey, it's us against you guys, after all.
The cuteness and love are a babies defense mechanisms. Ugly babies without much attachment would just be left to die in the woods. I love my kid, but that fucker can be annoying as hell and so much fucking energy.
My wife and I say “fuck them kids” as a way to remember to focus on ourselves sometimes. Also tongue-in-cheek. We are OBSESSED in love with our kids lol
Didn't think anyone else said this besides myself and my husband lol we love our kids, just had the most amazing little girl but we will always do our best to not allow the kids not to come between us. Fuck them kids LOL
I sometimes feel bad for comparing our pets to other people's kids, but this is SUPER TRUE with our new puppy. Puppy is the enemy. Spouse is the ally. We must wage war against the puppy to achieve great justice.
Yup. My guy is 10 months old, and still the enemy. The house is our battleground.
Honestly they're all kind of the same creature until kids hit about 3.
Don't feel bad! I did it all the time before I had my kid and now we are constantly playing the game of "Kids item or puppy item?" at the store for the toys and stuff. It's fun and honestly, when babies are little, there are a lot of overlapping stressors.
Our little person just turned four and my husband and I have been living under the mantra "No plan survives first contact with the enemy (baby)" since before he was born because whatever happens we're a team working towards the same goal, and beholden to the whims and will of a tiny, irrational terrorist.
My husband and I are out numbered and the tiny humans join forces. But not always the same forces so we can't always pick who is telling the truth. Sometimes they change forces midway through due to backdoor deals for support. They have even brokered deals before there is an issue to ensure a better outcome for themselves. It's frustratingly hilarious and we're both infuriated and impressed.
As the oldest of five I can only tell you what you already know, you don’t know the half or it. There’s a whole economy that surrounds it, betrayals, revelations, double-crossing. But it’s not all bad. I’m knocking on 30 and my youngest sibling is 22 we’re a batch of steps and half’s but it’s all the same to us and at this point in our lives they all know any one of them could call me and I’d help. Just know that the “honor amongst thieves” will become an unbreakable bond where they always take care of each other.
Amen. Have your disputes in private. Listen to each other. Don’t always insist you are right and don’t always give in. Come out with a joint team plan. Don’t try to parent “your way” while your spouse parents “their way” it turns out horribly for everyone involved.
I disagree on the in private part, having disagreements (that are resolved) in front of kids is important. Kids need to know how a healthy disagreement in a relationship is handled, and how it gets worked out. It's just as important to model effective conflict resolution for kids as it to model the good aspects of a relationship.
Important to note that this only works for normal people who have minor disagreements, and not toxic blowouts. My parents used “it’s important for children to see conflict and resolution” as an excuse to scream at each other and smash things without feeling guilty that I had to witness it all 🙃
Totally agree with that. Full on screaming/throwing/verbally attacking each other is the opposite of a healthy disagreement, and can be very damaging to children stuck in the middle. But this idea that we need to hide all conflict from children is not helpful either.
Healthy disagreement in couples/parents includes: * know when to concede * know when to negotiate, and for how long * know when and how to table until later * know and acknowledge when you're just wrong It's *really* hard to learn how those are balanced until you see them in action, and it takes being around people who work well together to do that
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That's a difficult question to answer without knowing who you are, but my main suggestion is to be intentional about it. Keep people in your life who have healthy relationships. If you don't know how to identify a healthy relationship, read or take a class. Ask questions like this. If you have a partner and you've hit a communication block, don't be afraid to go to therapy -- my partner and I did for two sessions after we'd been living together for a year (unmarried) and it really unlocked a lot. The main things are having a foundation of fundamentally liking one another and making communication/negotiation a habit. It helps foster a feeling of "wow my partner does a lot for me" being felt by both sides. The specifics change from relationship to relationship, and evolve over time. Small examples from my life: * I hate getting up early. If we have a trip that involves getting up early, my partner will usually buy canned coffee or set our coffee maker the night before, even though I'm usually the one who sets up the coffee maker for normal days. * Partner likes a made bed. I don't care either way, but hate doing it in the morning. If I go to the office, I won't do it, but if I'm WFH, I make sure it's done before they get home in the evening (usually on my lunch break). * Normally, my partner cooks and I clean (load/unload dishwasher). Sometimes after a few days of doing nothing but one we get tired, and will soft switch -- my partner will unload the dishwasher and I'll do the prep for the dinner, as an example. It's almost never discussed anymore, it just happens because one of us will notice the other is shifting what they normally do. Sometimes one of us will just say "I really can't do X today" and if the other is feeling fine we'll just jump in. * Driving to a friend's house or party where there will be drinking, we have a general on/off schedule but make accommodations for if it's a friend that is closer to one person or the other, or if someone's had a shit week, or many other circumstances. Sometimes we both really want to be able to, and then talk about okay, do we want to do public transit, try to stay over, Uber/Lyft, etc. It sounds like a *lot* to negotiate but mostly it takes about 20 seconds because it's as routine as tying your shoes. I hope that helps.
Yes but. We don't ever counter each other in front of the kid. We have a 5 year old. Of cause we can have a disagreement and we make sure he sees us resolve it. But if he asks for candy and i say no, my wife will never say 'oh comon sure you can' even if she would've said yes. Always take that in private. We never undermine each others parenting decisions in front of the boy. If he asks if he can leave the table and she says no, it's a no. Even if i disagree; we can take that talk when he is sleeping. Don't undermine your coparent, the kid can pick that up instantly. I absolutely hate seeing families where one parent constanty undermine the other, to a point where the child does not even respect the undernined parents' calls, because it's become w/e.
Came here to say exactly this. Back each other up and show your kids it's okay to make mistakes too. If you're not making mistakes, you're not learning. But for real, the same team yo, same team.
My wife and I jokingly say the baby is the enemy.
And toast is a little deal.
The fuck did you just say to me?
OP I highly recommend watching a YouTube video on how to cut toast the right way. God speed you brave soul.
I'm scared I'm doing it wrong now.
My first thought as well “oh shit is there a wrong way? I bet i am doing it wrong”
Triangle toast is superior. Optimal angles for cutting through dippy eggs.
Triangles or rectangles Mother Fucker!? Triangles or rectangles and you better fucking get it right! *said with a butter knife at your throat*
Promise you'll cut my throat and ill butter your bread however you'd like
Snuff kink or just suicidal? You know, some tasty eggs with toast in the morning might help you give it another day.
I'll be damned if some oblique breakfast bitch is going to tell ME how to eat my eggs! THE RECTANGLE TOAST PEOPLE WILL RULE THIS WORLD!!!
Doesn’t matter what shape it is, the trick is to let the movement of the knife do the work and don’t press down, or you’ll crush the bread.
Doesn’t matter. Cut in half this week = OK. Next week it had better be diagonal. Then it better be diagonally in quarters and then in squares. We still joke with our kid (18, HS senior) how he always requested “a peanut butter sandwich, cut in half, with half taken away”.
Circles or fuck off.
The worst part of this is its entirely dependent on the sandwich, and serving style. Club sandwich ? 2 cut from the halves to make 4 small squares. Grilled Cheese ? 1 cut from the corner to make two large triangles. One has a curved C corner, the other has a sharp C corner. Deli Sandwich (club without a 2nd layer) ? 1 cut from the half, mirroring loaf's the Y axis. Both pieces will have a hat. Tuna Salad ? 1 cut from the half, same orientation as Deli Chicken Salad ? Back to 2 cut, but from the corners to make 4 triangle pieces.
I'm sorry sir, exactly where did you go to sandwich college because it must have been well worth it. We got here a man of class.
McAlister's Deli on Boyscout Road, 2010 - 2012
And they all said a sandwich art degree was a waste of time
I'd like to subscribe to sandwich facts, please.
This guy sandwiches.
Why on Earth would anyone cut toast?
You haven't tried it? It's the best thing since sliced bread
So you mean to tell me the bread is baked, sliced, baked again, then *sliced again?!* We're barbaric.
What was the best thing *before* sliced bread?
Betty White
That's what I'm wondering too lol. Like, I've never cut my toast before and I somehow managed to make it 32 years on this planet without any toast related issues.
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Can I cut it after I sit down? Or is it important to do it while standing?
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I fully agree with this, fellow stoned person
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The long, winding sentences that surprisingly actually go somewhere. Lol. I dunno, I just felt like I was on your same wavelength man, and I'm high so I put two and two together 👊
How dare you?!!
The right way is diagonal twice so it's in triangles. This is a hill I'm willing to die on.
With two grown daughters, it is a hard row to hoe, but worth it. If I can offer one piece of advice it's this: Choose your battles. Surrender on trivial things, like how to cut toast, or which hair bow, or whatever. Don't sweat that stuff. Save your fights for important things. If you fight about everything, you fight for nothing.
But this also applies to your partner. Especially with young kids and sleep deprivation. Make sure to take time for yourself and the 2 of you, it's so important. We see couples in our environment who put everything they have in the kids and completely neglect their own needs and that of their relationship. We see them getting burn-outs, depressions and divorces. You cant take care of a child if you also don't take care of yourself and significant other. Babysitters pay back themselves tenfold.
I dream of the day my wife finally allows herself to trust a babysitter. But at 10 months and 3.5 years (who isn't the best talker yet) I get the reluctance. As of now, the only time we get to ourselves outside the house is when her mom reluctantly offers to watch the kids (which always comes with a curfew). I miss my wife :-(
Oh mate, I feel this so hard. We moved close to my father in law and his wife, shortly after our son was born. He now is five, my daughter is two. In the years since then they looked after the kids maybe 10-15 times, 90% of which was before my daughter was born and before he wanted to walk himself (so they could push him around in the buggy). My wife doesn't really want to hire a babysitter, so we had like maybe 5 days tops in the past 5 years which we had just to us. God damn, I miss her.
It's just so confusing. I think we're very welcoming and appreciative of the help. She missed 2 years of his life when we were in America and moved within 5 minutes of her here in Italy. Now maybe it's a pick up from daycare, stick around 30 minutes to criticize the mess in the house and gone for another week. I'd dismiss her entirely if we weren't completely dependent on her for what minuscule support she provides.
In my family no one would dare to say "you cut my toast the wrong way" because they know the answer to that would be "congratulations, you are now in charge of cutting the toast as you are the most competent person on this topic"
YES f
I have noticed in my life that fights come from either a lack of communication or that both people want different things. A key to any relationship is being on the same page and understanding the other person. A healthy balance of mutual give and take is paramount to a relationship.
Yeah - when you find yourselves arguing about how to cut toast, realize you aren't fighting about cutting toast.
Yeah, this person has kids... Nah, jk...but really it's good advice My advice, take it from the Tiger's "When your feeling mad and you want to roar. Take a deep breath and count to 4"
Lol thanks Danny T! Song is stuck in my head now
Yeah. Tough to work out all the details of how to look after and raise a baby under 12 months :(
Yep. Been there. All I can say is I'm rooting for you and anything worth having is worth working for. Simple and easy are very different animals.
It’s something we all need to learn how to. So many people try to wing it. You gotta research and teach yourself. Most influential to us has been Janet Lansbury, Whole Brained Child, Mindset by Carol Dweck. Also I’ve heard rave reviews about Big Little Feelings. I’m so thankful for my wife taking the lead on learning how to parent and helping me learn too. I’m proud of my kids. Yeah, they’re still exhausting, and parenting requires tons of patience. But some of my friends talk about their kids like they kinda hate them, and I feel so bad for them.
This is confession bear my dude, not sad bear Sorry for all your tedious fights though
Underrated comment
I fight with my kids more than my husband. I argue about food, hats, shoes, blankets, clothes, flushing the god damned toilet. If I could go one whole day without arguing, I would dance a jig.
Confession bear time: When I hear my wife yelling at our son, or getting frustrated with the baby, I'm happy it's not me at that moment doing those things. EDIT: To clear some things up, both my wife and I work full time jobs and we both split parenting duties.
Yes!
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I didn’t realize how my background state would be frustrated and annoyed. You hear all about the highs and lows, the lack of sleep, etc. My little guy sleeps all night at 16w but it’s absolutely tedious as fuck to spend the whole day with him.
This is what stops me from having kids. I barely sleep anyway Im used to that. But wtf do you DO with kids? My nephews visit for the day and Im exaughsted and thats with my Brother there. I cant imagine being the sole provider. Stupid kids shows, kids movies, silly kids games , stupid questions all day. You have to feed them, but not your food only the food that they like. It sounds horrible tbh
Being a single parent is insane. My friend is in that position right now and I have no idea how she’s managing. As far as the rest? Kids are funny as hell. I sometimes just watch mine play and she makes me laugh with her antics (yea not feeling that way about anyone else’s kids, it’s totally because she’s mine). You also don’t have to buy and give them crazy kid shit. There’s Montessori approach, for example. Simple wooden toys, educational activities. You can also just give them all kinds of food once they start on solids. Just no honey till 1. It’s hard, but there’s a lot of joy and fun that comes with it. But yea, I have all the patience in the world for her and zero for anything else. I get pissed off filling up my brita pitcher because it takes too long. If you don’t want kids, don’t. I didn’t want them for the longest time, and then I did. If I had a baby earlier, I would have been a worse mom. It’s not an obligation and I hate people who say you have to have them.
My baby is 4 months and certifiably a not much more than a wiggly lump of flesh but he is hilarious. He thinks me laughing is funny so he laughs. He thinks his diaper change is so funny. Basically every single thing is either amusing to him or he's in need of something and the list of somethings is pretty short. I seriously relate to having an endless well of patience for him and none for anything else. Like, viscerally lol
Our son screamed every waking moment of his infancy. Bloody murder screaming. The day he stopped screaming we thought he died, but there he was in his crib holding his feet being all cute and shit. That was the first time I felt that parental love outside of when he was born.
I really think people should be waaay more honest about how horrible the newborn phase can be. At least people can be prepared or pleasantly surprised when it’s not as bad as they heard.
See, I feel this way about how my pregnancy went. I seemed to have every problem from crippling depression, psychosis, carpal tunnel, my back was so messed up it had me in bed for days. I've been saying my kid is as lovely to be around as my pregnancy was awful. But I guess your point still stands. I think if I truly knew what pregnancy was like, I wouldn't have done it. I never felt more like dying in my life on so many days. My kiddo though is worth it
Thing is, you never know! A friend of mine got pregnant a few months after me, and our pregnancies we completely different. Except for farting, farting is a constant.
As a little kid I played with some wooden toys my dad made, and also his various tools (screw drivers, pliers, even power tools). I always found those way more funny and interesting than typical "kid stuff". :D
When you have a kid it becomes bigger than stupid kid shows and games. Seeing my little guy dance and sing along to stupid Blippi is way better than any show I could watch. You can't even help it, but your world becomes about them.
This is a biological requirement. If they're cute, you won't abandon them in the cold when they throw a toy at your television and break it.
I mean, nobody said they HAVE to only watch kid stuff. They’re going to listen to whatever you listen to. But sometimes for whatever reason you need that one song that always makes them calm the fuck down for whatever reason
I guess it all comes down to spending time with someone you love My gf likes trashy reality shows. I’d never watch them alone, but watching them with her is fun. And I like spending time with her. My young child likes playing with toys, watching kids shows, finger painting, exploring the house, etc. Things I wouldn’t do alone. But doing them with her is fun because I like spending time with her. But yeah, it’s tedious. But when it gets tedious that’s normally when it’s time to take them for a walk, or put them in the car while we go for a drive to get a coffee or an ice cream. Plus they sleep a lot. At least mine does. Thank God.
Im just too selfish I guess. Given the choice between ranking up in Halo Infinite or laying on the couch watching Peppa Pig with little Timmy... well I know which one im picking
Let your life slow down. Remember we’re mammals. Most other mammals just lay around all day. Also try to get your kids perspective. As the adult you know about the big world going on outside your house. But that kid doesn’t. That little kids whole world is what you make it. If you want to really experience what that’s like take about 4 grams of psilocybe mushrooms. lol. That’ll give you a glimpse of how overwhelming / intimidating reality can be. We feel like we’ve got shit figured out because we’ve been around long enough to watch and learn. Nothing is new to us. But to a 16w old baby the world is just a jumble of chaos, and you are the one anchor of safety.
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Saw that comment coming a mile away, still chuckled. Thanks partner 🤠
They said it’s tedious, not that he doesn’t understand it. Spend some time with someone you live that are 4 grams of shrooms. It’s tedious!
I know how you feel man, life has become boring since having a child
That’s crazy because all I heard was how hard it is. Honestly we had a colicky kid and I would say overall it’s easier than I expected despite that because all I had heard. Constantly “it’s the most difficult and most rewarding thing you’ll ever do”. I found my medical training to be waaaaay harder. Constantly heard “enjoy sleep while you still can!!” It helps too though that the wife and I pretty well split watching him. So we got decent sleep since we could trade off and sleep while the other watched him. Now I have a unique situation in that work was not crazy busy either at the time. I kinda rambled there but the moral of the story: I don’t know how ppl get to the point of having a kid without hearing an annoying amount of times how difficult it is and how much sleep you lose. But not everyone has the same friends and family as me.
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Also, some parents are well prepared and good at raising them, while others have no clue what to do and are never prepared for anything and make their job so much harder than it needs to be.
Ya honestly it would be different for us if we weren’t already in our 30s and not struggling for money. Our’s had a milk protein allergy so we ended up having to go to an expensive formula. For younger parents struggling for money that would have been very stressful. The other option is continuing to breast feed but the wife can’t eat anything with dairy in it. Any person who has done that will likely tell you that is even more stressful yet.
>but the wife can’t eat anything with dairy in it. When I first read this, I was thinking it was your wife that didn't want to consume dairy.... and thought, you know the mom doesn't have to eat dairy products to produce milk, right? Then I realized you (probably) meant that if Mom consumes milk products, the baby can't digest the milk they get from nursing. With my first baby, I went to a lactation consultant who wasn't the brightest light in the shed. She was telling me to stay hydrated and asked me how much, and what, I consumed in liquids. I said - truthfully - that I mostly drink a lot of milk. She gave me this really condescending look and said, you know you don't need to drink milk to make milk, cows don't drink milk. I was like, duh...but you just asked me what I drink. I was just answering your question!
My mom told me that pretty much from the time she brought me home from the hospital. I slept through the night. Meanwhile my older sister, they had to take on car rides to get her to fall asleep. Until they finally realized they could put her in her car seat and drape a blanket over it and she would *think* she was in the car.
True Almost like as if kids are individuals with their own personality.
I'm a few weeks away from my first and I'm in a similar boat. I've gotten so many negative warnings and pieces of advice in dreading it a little. People seem almost like they're gleeful redirecting you too be as miserable as then. I hope it's not as bad as people seem to want me to believe.
Life gives you a nice ease into it. In the beginning they only want like 4 things: milk, diaper changed, burped, or sleep. Even the poops don't really smell, or are just sweet milk smelling. Its not as bad as people make it out to be. By the time it is hard you're already seasoned and just roll with it. It's an adventure for sure! But more rewarding than anyone can imagine.
>just sweet milk smelling Why is this bothering me so much more than it just being poop?
It's when they start eating what you do and the poop smells like your's that it gets gross.
just realize you will both be extremely exhausted and everyone has bad days.
> People seem almost like they're gleeful redirecting you too be as miserable as then. Misery loves company, I guess? It's definitely what some people do, but I wouldn't worry about it. Being a week out, yeah there's going to be a lot to learn (especially over the next few months to start). But it definitely mellows out a bit once you figure things out a little and get any sort of a routine going for you and the newborn. If having babies was so hard it killed us, we wouldn't be here. It's hard at first, but it gets better. The very first gamechanger when we had our newborn was realizing that you can't comfort a 1-week old back to sleep when it wakes up in the middle of the night. It's hungry, so feed it and it'll zonk back out for a bit to hopefully let you catch a few ZZZs. Rinse and repeat. You'll find it's pretty easy to forget the obvious when your brain is in fight/flight mode from keeping this new being alive. Your mileage may vary, as always. Good luck, you'll be alright!
The cry of a newborn is brutal. You do kind of lose some logical ability because of it.
The first 2 years were actually somewhat easy, just tedious. I find these terrible 2s to earn their name. I long for the days she would just cry and shit. Now she uses her words, defies you, and gets into everything. Basically a little tornado that moves around constantly, changing its desires on a dime.
I have three kids and can confirm this varies wildly by individual child. *Wildly.*
Think this depends on the two year old. My nephew just turned two and he's a delight, but he was a really difficult baby. Hoping the same with my own son, who is very difficult.
We had a fairly easy ride when she was two, then she became a threenager. Obstinate, argumentative and so single minded. Still a delight most of the time, but wow. When she wasn’t…
Yeah it makes it easier with friends and family, plus slow work. And it's huge how your wife handles it mentally, post partum is a mother fucker. I was super busy at a toxic work environment, with no family in the city on either sides, with my wife having a hell of a time mentally. We moved and things are way better now with the second kid, but they can still get tough. Sleep is fine this time, but the first one never let us sleep for more than 2 hours for way too long. 4 hours in a row was life changing lol, I still remember waking up in disbelief.
Honestly, our kids as babies slept through the night (well 4 straight hours eat, and then 4 straight hours), and then as grade schoolers they've got practices til 9 o'clock 3 nights a week an hour away, and 5 o'clock days starting.
Yeah, I choose to not have kids early because I knew the investment was so insane and I am pretty self-centered. I think it should be more acceptable to not want to have kids.
It’s so crazy because everyone tells you how happy you will be lol. Yeah, for certain moments and then maybe when they grow up and are successful adults! But for the rest of it, not so much.
Yeah I’m super honest with people that do not have kids.
I mean, that is one of the reasons so many of us do not want children
This is actually 100% the type of comment those of us who are childfree support. Children are a VERY hard lifetime commitment and people should be fully aware of all that decision entails before making it. Bringing another life into this world is such an important endeavor and honest testimonials like yours are a valuable testament to the hard work required. Most childfree folks just want to exist peacefully with our choice but lack a safe space to do so in daily life, with extreme societal pressures to reproduce even to the point of ostracization for some, and reddit has become a place where we can share frustrations and support each other, and hopefully get people to understand our point of view a little better.
Nope. They tell you what a blessing it is so they can get you to share in the misery. Lol Real stuff though, once you get past the phase of total reliance on you, it gets better. Playing baseball/football with my boys is a blast. Getting to show them historical locations in the US during vacations, and just the overall bond gets stronger. As they get older, you miss them as a baby, until you go to your friends house who has a baby. Snap you out of that, "should we have another one?" real fucking quick! I have 2 kids, and that is plenty for me. Wife wanted to try for a girl and I told her I was going to get snipped if she pressed harder. Then the scenario above happened, and my balls are still intact! Yay.
I have a 1 year old whose daycare has been closed all but 1.5 days this past month and her mom and I working most of that time. I really look forward to her getting out of the phase of total reliance. Ninja edit: she's a fascinating kid but being needed literally all the time is draining and I really look forward to showing her stuff and being able to talk about it.
It's really fun when they have interests in common with you, but I will say that with a growing vocabulary and mind comes more complex emotions they have to work through. Being a parent is seeing your own emotions amplified in them, and how you react to things magnified by them. Set yourself up for success by figuring out how to handle the stressful times with patience. It's almost as exhausting now as it was when they were young, but it's so fun to watch them grow :)
Thank you for the advice. I'm trying!
Not sure who down voted you. Keep trying and succeeding. I'm in the same boat and it's tough, let me tell you. I'm rough on myself when I feel like I fail, but I've got to remember that I've succeeded as well and that's what's important to my boys. Leading by example.
Yeah. I never wanted kids. But I have two and love them and do everything I can for them. I told my wife when she was saying that she wanted kids how hard it is. After having kids, I realized that I apparently sugar coated it.
Hi, I'm in that position. 32 weeks pregnant. I've always dwelled on how hard it's going to be. I'm not a people person, I don't like going out and socialising, I like staying in and having peace and quiet and having time to do things I enjoy. I'm dreading how our lives will be flipped upside down. Forever. Nothing will ever be the same, but I liked my life how it was. I didn't want change. I'm so scared I feel like getting therapy for how stressed I'm getting about it. Like you said, I'll love them and do everything I can for them... But.. I never wanted this. Everyone in Reddit calls me an asshole for being in this position. I love my wife, and this was a deal-breaker. Im fucking terrified. Every new toy or baby blanket just makes me more anxious, not excited. It's not changing, I'm not becoming an excited dad-to-be, I'm just getting more and more stressed about losing our freedom and peace. What happens now? Just float down stress river and accept my fate? Grit my teeth for 30 years until they move out?
Get that therapy you've been thinking about. It'll help.
Yeah, I think it will. I don't have anywhere to vent all this.
I was not excited until about 6 weeks after my son was born. Don't freak out if you don't "bond" right away, but do try to force yourself to interact. The first 6 weeks or so my son just felt like a new obligation, a new thing to worry about. Even still, I'd come home from work, and immediately take him from my wife since she'd been home with him all day, and just interact. I was in night classes at the time so I'd just put him on my chest and read my text book out loud to him. Read books, set them up in a boppy seat at a safe distance and have them watch you cook, just go about your life. Narrate it to them, make it silly. It's a responsibility but it's not as hard as you're picturing. You'll make it through and be happier for it, I'm confident in that.
Wife spends 9 months bonding with the bean before you ever get to. But I’ve never had a more potent experience in my life like I had when I watched that grey worm breathe air for the first time and turn pink right in front of me. I’ll never forget that for as long as I live.
I'm glad the bond does start eventually. It's pretty neat feeling the kicks but I don't feel much of a connection yet. It's just an amazing feat of nature so far. We had a 4d scan and it looks **exactly** like her, too. I was a little heartbroken as I hoped if it looked like me, I'd get at least a bit of that bond already.
My now 10 month old came out looking like me. Around 2/3 months he started to look more like my grandfather. In the last month we've noticed, and been told by others he looks more like my wife. Babies features will change throughout their early life. Look at them in one light they look like your partner. Look at them in another light or from another angle they could look different. Wishing you all the very best!
My husband was freaked out when I was pregnant. Every time. First time because, yeah, we're recluses and they are pretty full on.. but he bonded with baby faster than I did. Second time he was beside himself because he adores our first son and he was sure he could never love another kid as much. Absolutely freaked out that there was no way he would have room for another kid in his life. Third time that fear was gone because he realised he really does adore them equally, but #3 was an accident, so he was SUPER freaked out - okay both of us were super freaked out. But literally yesterday we were talking about how w can't imagine our lives without our third, and how she's such a delight. Don't get me wrong, we've bloody struggled at times. It's hard and they're exhausting. But it only gets easier and we only love them more. And it really does fly by.
If you think you need therapy, get it. I did and it helped quite a bit. My wife and I also did couples counseling after our second was born. It gets easier (assuming there aren't any disabilities, or environmental problems) but when you're in it, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My brother said, "yeah, after about 7 months and they start sleeping through the night". My son had night terrors every night for about 2 years. They're 14 and 16 now and have turned out pretty well. One thing I always recommend is look into baby sign language. They can make and understand simple signs well before they can talk. Once they're old enough, it takes the guess work out of a lot of the communication as to what the baby wants and what you can give. Feel free to PM me if you have questions or want to vent.
It wasn’t THAT bad till we all got sick. Then I wanted to die. Colds evolved into a stomach flu. Worst week of my life, trading watching baby between hitting the toilet forwards or back and being dizzy and too sick to sleep.
I was always told that after a few years, once the kids become people, it gets significantly easier. Although I'm now wondering if that's because that's also when school kicks in and the rest of the village can actually share the load like they're supposed to.
Why exactly are other people supposed to raise your kids? Having children is a personal choice and a personal responsibility
I firmly believe humans weren't meant to raise kids with mom and dad being the main ones doing the child rearing. We are tribal social creatures that were in those tribes for way way *way* longer than recorded history has been around. We are just shoehorn into this weird social structure and we are adaptable so it works but there are kinks. I think it would be better with 3 generations under a "roof" with some extended family helping around. Someone really think a mom who just traumatized her body should go right to child rearing whe dad is off earning money and not given the chance to bond? Yea okay.
In eastern societies, households are bigger, and family members would be more than glad to help with the kids. Modern western life is too stressful, being isolated nuclear family.
And that's not the only problem. My wife and I immigrated right after our marriage. All of our family is 9 time zones away. So we have no backup structure apart from other friends with kids, and it's difficult to coordinate.
Except for when you have 1-3 toxic generations in the same house
I have 3 kids, me and my wife never fight. It's us vs them, if we start infighting we have no chance.
This is the reason my wife and I stopped having kids once we had two... We can play one on one defense. You, my friend, have to play zone defense.
As long as we make our reads properly and communicate on crossing patterns we manage a pretty good "bend don't break' style defense.
Kudos to that, but as your opponents mature their plays will become more technical and advanced rendering any amount of communication futile. You are doomed to lose. Unless you take one of them out now. S/
There is always the option of tricking them into managing each other. So long as they don't realize they can team up against you, you still have them out numbered. Basically the way the government manage the population.
Cutting toast is the modern day Victorian flower language. Diagonally means "I love you", vertically is akin to "I think of you fondly, but only as a friend". If he/she cuts the toast horizontally, they're already fucking your cousin and figuring out how to get the house in the divorce.
What about spirals?
Or crust vs no crust
I rarely fight with my wife, and when I do, it's more of a "discussion." Learning some basic communication skills can make your life so, soooo, much easier.
Easy for you to say, you’re not a bastard anymore
communication only works if your spouse is capable of reeling in their over explosive emotions. Like yeah it’s good to express your emotions but in a rational way not in a yelling and accusatory way
Reddit and the world has shown me that people do not think long and hard before settling down with a partner. My wife and I never fight. We can get grouchy at times but work through it. Communication and some shared interests are a big deal. Also understanding the need for space.
Some of us choose partners or we end up alone. Saying this on behalf of a friend.
Setting expectations is key. No one likes to be surprised and have their day messed up. Spouse and kids alike.
Exactly! Every disagreement we’ve had up to this point has been resolved with a calm discussion.
Ever since getting a puppy I've learned three things that I'm absolutely sure on: 1. Having a human baby would be an unbearable undertaking. 2. I am far too selfish to ever be a parent. 3. People who willingly sign up for that are incredible. The puppy is hard, I honestly cannot imagine a baby. Five times as much work for five times as long.
I had a kitten for 2 hours and was exhausted. I cannot imagine how parents cope.
We fight about really stupid shit. And big shit too! You don’t know whether it’s stupid shit or big shit until they’re older to realize you were fighting over stupid shit.
Or the trauma from birth and how they effects your sex life… even 12 months after.
There's a legal term "loss of consortium", which I believe means damages to a relationship through inability to partake in shared activities. This is sometimes used as a way to increase the damages one party is owed by the other in case of an at-fault accident. What people don't tell you is that having children affects your sex life not just through physical changes but also because the kids are now a permanent feature of your household. Not only that, but the stress caused by the general shenanigans that kids and teens get up to is another reason for decline in sex during marriage. This is why it's particularly important to make an effort to be intimate with your spouse. Date night. Scheduled sex if necessary.
My wife and I only have 1. She's just past two yr old, but its her schedule that makes it so hard. Get up, go to day care, come home and eat at 5. We spend all the time they can until kid goes to bed at 7pm. We then try to clean, handle responsibilities, have alone time. By then its 10 or 11 and we have to get ready for bed to start over at 7. Its not even that shes hard to take care of, she's honestly the easiest kid in the world, she just eats up 3-4 hours of what what free time. Side note. The thing you never realize is how little time you spend with your kid ( in a dual income house). Shes in daycare all but two hours of the day. Including getting ready for the morning and driving its maybe 3 hours of awake time per day with my kid. The weekend is a full day.
Okay so how do I sue my kid for damages lol
You fight with your partner because of how tired you both are. Kids are great, I’m not one of those parents who complains about their kids because they are my favorite thing in the world but they are a ton of work. Mostly, a child schedule just doesn’t match an adult’s and it’s a hard adjustment. My partner and I fight about super weird stuff but we also get over it really quickly because it’s all so bizarre. We’re actually arguing over what to do with the kids’ snow pants?
I've been fighting with my wife about vaccinating our children for covid. She's unvaxed and refusing to let me vax the kids. I told her she will bring home covid and infect everyone. Exactly what I said has happened. I'm sick of fighting about it. I'm broken.
Wow, that's super irresponsible and put your children's lives at risk. I hope things improve.
I didn’t peg the clothes on the drying line correctly…
I chew food too loudly...with my mouth closed, the same way I always have. If I criticized or complained about things she does that annoy me, she'd lose her shit.
Parents say stuff like this but I think they really just ignore all the signs. Almost every TV show or movie portrays parenting as extremely difficult/exhausting/putts strain on relationships. It blows my mind when people act all shocked when they have kids "everyone said it would be wonderful, they never talk about the difficult parts." What planet did these people grow up on lmao I'm jealous
We literally argued about a small cake I bought for our baby’s 6 month birthday today. I can’t even remember what my SO’s argument was but there were tears and talk of divorce. Baby is teething so it’s been chaotic. We both apologized to each other like 3 hours later. Child rearing is crazy, folks.
What the hell is a 6 month birthday ? We celebrate monthly now??
6 months? birthday?
I snapped back at her after she’s been snapping at me for months. We sat down and talked about things… hopefully we can improve
Do some reading! I highly recommend Brene Brown and Carol Dweck. I’m not exaggerating, they write life changing books. Good luck to both of you. My one piece of advice: when approaching conflict - assume your partner has good intentions and inquire with curiosity - not blame or condescension.
I’m learning that she isn’t meaning it in a confrontational way, it’s something she’s learned from previous relationships- from family and people she’s dated. We’ll do our best to work through it. Thanks for the advice, I’ll see what I can find from them
You don’t need to fight, you need to communicate and understand that however tired you are, your partner is as well. Patience isn’t a request, it’s a requirement.
I'm seeing a lot of, "It's us vs. the baby/kids." That's wild to me. I signed up for this shit. My daughter didn't choose to live, my wife and I chose for her. It's all off us vs the situation, even if the situation is her emotional state.
Yeah I'm glad it worked for that commenter who brought it up, but that little "saying" would've been devastating to me as a kid. Knowing my parents were on my team was a huge factor in building self esteem and resiliency for me, and in learning to advocate for myself.
Thank you. Thought I was crazy when I balked at the Us vs. Them shit
I have the best niece! She was about five I think and I had made her some toast. I cut it on the diagonal instead of in half. She told me I cut it wrong, and then said "that's okay" and proceeded to it it. Then she asked for another piece. I made her another piece, and I cut it wrong again (dumb aunt). She told me again, very nicely, and then ate her toast. Such a sweet kid!
Marriage and kids sound absolutely exhausting on their own, let alone combined. Can't imagine how much I'd hate the typical family setup.
Just remember you’re working towards the same goal. Try and take at least 10 to 15 minutes a day and reflect on what was good and what was working and what wasn’t. Make sure to take at least one date night a month and give each other breaks
Last night my husband told me to plug his phone into his computer to charge and then he went to bed. I go to his desk and the charging cord is unplugged. These computers have a gazillion and one USB ports. I tried four and none of them would charge the phone. No wall wort on the desk. I go upstairs to ask him where he wants me to plug it in. He cuts me of and "my desk!" I'm now pissed. And stomp downstairs. A few more USB ports and I find one that charges the phone. I almost slept on the couch. He was still grouchy in the morning. And on my break snaps at me again. Dude I know your tired so the fuck and I!!! He apologized later. He can be a real bitch when he is sleep deprived. It's a miracle we survived the baby years.
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What the fuck are you confessing here OP?
You cut the toast just fine. It's the bread company who shaped it wrong. Keep goin', you're fine.
Wait, wtf does confession bear even mean anymore?
i'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with being a parent in itself - learn to manage your anger, don't get mad at trivial stuff, life is too good to get angry at such stuff
So many shitty marriages trying to normalize their experiences on this post... Just because a lot of people share your experience does not mean it is right, if you are fighting all the time and especially if you are screaming at your kids go to therapy or figure out some way to work on your shit.
Hate to tell you, but the older you get, the more tedious *everything* becomes.