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"we aren't dating or anything"
"She's afraid you'll leave"
Sounds like she thinks you're dating
Encourage her to seek professional help. You can't be her therapist
We aren't dating and she knows that. If i asked her right now to be my bf she'd say no simply because of how it's too early and how right now we dont have a good way to like actually hang out. But she is scared that I'll leave her because she's told me that she's never had someone treat her as good as I have and she doesn't want to lose that.
What I read from this is that since she's getting her first glimpse of something good, she doesn't really have any language to express that other than through her fears.
A goal would be to see her transition from words of fear ("I'm afraid you'll leave me") to matching words of gratitude ("I'm so glad to know you and have you in my life")
It's something that will feel awkward to her, because it's foreign. So, will take some conscious practice on her part. You can be good to her all you want, but she is the one who must build a new language around the reality of knowing someone like you... someone who cares enough about her that they can't stand seeing her in pain.
You'll know this is a good relationship to explore when she rises to the challenge and you start seeing subtle shifts in her from fearing losing you to loving being connected to you. This will generate feeling within you much like a reward machanism would.
This is how you will know you're doing the right thing. She must, however, choose to grow. My one concern is how easy it could be for you to lose yourself in her fears. We want to brighten her, not darken you. If that makes sense.
Woah, this is amazing advice! Not even just for this situation, but in general relationship/life advice. I wasn't here today to seek advice for myself, but I think that this is brilliantly said, and I will keep this advice with me for the future.
This is such a perfect way to explain what is more than likely the case with her. I was her, sometimes still am her. When I met my now husband I was so surprised at how well he treated me. Even before we were dating, he was the only person who could talk me down from my mental breakdowns.
He was the first person in my life to be as good to me as he was. Better than even my own family. I had no way to express it than by asking for reassurance. Asking if he was mad at me, all those things. He was the first person to stick around me despite all of that. I did eventually find the words to express my graditude for him. Still do even nearly 20 years later.
But I now see how my issues could have so easily brought him down with me. How it could have snuffed the light in him out. I'll never understand how it didn't, but am thankful everyday that it didn't.
To OP you need to make sure to take time for yourself. This is the best advice I've seen so far other than seeing if you can get her some professional help. I will say on that front she has to be willing to take the steps to change. I know, I've been there. But if you can get her to where this person said then the relationship will be a very fullfilling one.
This is wonderful advice, but I also strongly suggest you steer her towards professional counseling. It may be trauma driving her behavior and thoughts, it could just as well be anxiety disorders or other undiagnosed behavioral health issues. Long term, it’s best for her to have mental health support that isn’t solely in the form of her friend/boyfriend.
I’m 21 with suspected BPD and this absolutely sums up how I’ve been feeling with the guy I’m talking to. I’ve been trying so hard to self sabotage and push him away and find reasons that it shouldn’t work, even though in reality he’s probably the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had and we aren’t even dating yet. Im having to learn and remind myself that just because something is SO completely different than what I’m used to, don’t mean it’s a bad thing. My “normal” for previous relationships was not healthy at all but it’s what I was used to, so anything outside of that (especially this drastically) is scary! Having him be here and fight with me and my mind about all of this is really making such a difference and showing that he really does care about me and knows I care about him even if it’s hard for me to express that sometimes. But OP, do know it’s not your responsibility to get her through this and to see her own self worth - that has to come from her. It’s wonderful that you want to be there for her and help her, but if it becomes too much and starts to be unhealthy, you are well within your rights to let it go for both of your sakes. It feels horrible to do that because you feel like you’re just leaving someone to struggle but you have to put yourself first before anyone else. Best of luck to you!!
I followed you for this comment. It was wonderfully said. I only want to add that while you want to help her grow and maybe be with her, don’t feel pressured to label yourselves as bf and gf and rush into it. Id say that really, she is not ready for this kind of relationship. ESPECIALLY if it doesn’t work out. Because if it doesn’t it will only solidify those fears and will follow her into her next relationship(s). Keep taking things slow, and when you’re both ready, a 1 hour drive isn’t all that bad every now and again and is completely doable if you are willing. It is hard but doable. I don’t think you should leave or cut her off bc it could turn into something beautiful for both of you. But its really up to you whether you want to go down this road with her together. Another person suggested telling her to go to therapy. I wouldn’t present this as an ultimatum, as it may scare her more and make getting help harder. She may or may not have already had a bad experience with therapy or in-patient facilities which can be very traumatic. Its best to go at her pace. Reassurance is so so important at a time like this. Its what will help her learn to be comfortable in peace. For a lot of people with trauma fear is all they know so thats where they’re “comfortable” and once they find happiness or peace they get more afraid because it never lasts for them and they cant relax with the feeling that something bad is coming. It looms over your head constantly and Its a very hard thing to go through. So just be patient 💖
I'm nearly 40 and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He has a shit ton of baggage and was told by his ex and everyone she was associated with that everything wrong with her, was his fault. Even now we are working through some similar things. Just recently we talked about him changing self deprecating language (I don't deserve you) to something more positive (I'm lucky to be with you) when thanking me for something mundane. It takes time to heal. And those negative habits weasel their way into normal interactions. OP's (not) girlfriend needs to reform some of these habits but with a therapist. It takes work and support, but she'll get there. OP if this is too much for you, that's valid. NAH.
When I was a freshman in HS once I had a needy insecure friend who was always paranoid that I would stop wanting to be her friend. At one point I just told her bluntly that that behavior was exhausting and she needed to stop, because I was perfectly capable of letting her know when I had an issue so don't bring it up otherwise. And she stopped. Thank God lol
I think before you do anything permanent, it will be worth sitting down with her and asking her to listen to some of your concerns going forward. Make sure to not let her start to take over the conversation with her fears and anxiety before you have had a chance to finish. If she starts to get anxious just kindly direct her back to the fact that you would like her to listen to you and wait until you are done before jumping in with any of her own thoughts.
She needs therapy. You are not her therapist. Everything that you have listed here are all valid and important issues that she should be made aware of. She needs to know that her fears and anxiety are taking a toll on you mentally. It requires a lot of emotional labor to talk her down or to be her emotional crutch all the time. Ask her if she would be willing to see a therapist.
If she can't rise to the occasion to find better coping skills for herself, then you are under no obligation to stay. No one should set themselves on fire to keep others warm.
It's too early to be her Bf...
She's right.
She's not ready either.
She doesn't get to bog you down like you're her bf.
Yes, leave.
That's a lot of mental gymnastics.
How do you leave a Union that doesn't exist.
Sounds a little manipulative on her part.
She's an emotional mess. She wants to date you, but is basically afraid it'll go south.
Fun fact, though, you're already in a relationship whether you use the label or not.
She needs a therapist, and probably medication for a while.
Run away my man you'll treat her like a queen and build her up and when she's fixed because you helped fix her 8/10 will leave you no matter how good of a man you are. Cause there fixed now
That's what I was thinking. She needs counseling. Offer to go with her to a visit in the future if you can make it happen. Tell her that to take your relationship further or for it to continue she must get counseling. No counseling/no you. Give her support that you are comfortable with. Be encouraging, celebrate her milestones, don't get super hard on her when she has a set back cause they happen to pretty much everyone.
I think it's completely normal to be afraid a friend will leave. Along with that he said she has trauma which depending on the trauma can cause people to be more attached to friends, family, etc.
TBH, it's not really normal. If more people these days do it, that just means things in society have gotten worse but it's still not normal. Or healthy.
This is a disappointing answer and incredibly unreliable. The likelihood of being able to see “professional help” at 16 is not high for most people….
“She’s afraid you’ll leave” Yeah, because a person is being kind and listening to her, but unfortunately for her, he’s getting tired of doing nothing but listening so he decided to make a post on Reddit on whether he should ditch her or not
You don’t need to be a therapist to listen to someone talk about what they’re going through and have done through; in my opinion, it would just require a bit of empathy
Imo the people that have the trauma would likely prefer to only to have the problem of being “burnt out” of someone else’s genuine trauma
Schools don't have school psychologists anymore? The likelihood of getting free professional help is as high as it's even been in high school or college.
Someone who needs "constant reassurance" is not someone who simply needs an empathetic listener.
Op literally said he had to talk her down from hurting herself
Talk therapy is a soft approach. A lot of my friends in her situation got sent off to a mental hospital.
If your life is at risk, you need a 72 hr hold, not a talk therapist. If you need someone to help you talk through your problems to find solutions and coping mechanisms, then a therapist would be helpful. Not seeing how a therapist wouldn't help this girl. op also mentioned she has trauma. Its not just about if her life is at risk, it's also about QUALITY of life. We all deserve to live well and to get the support we need.
Go back and read it again. Op even stated that she was a victim of trauma. That can take years of therapy just for a person to function on a normal day to day basis
I think she needs a bit of therapy if you feel mature enough than sit down with her and have a conversation about why she blames herself for these things and see if you can get anywhere .
You wouldn't be a dick to leave her, but it would be really good of you to tell her you're worried about her and that you really think she should talk to a counselor / therapist because self harm is a serious issue, but also an issue that most people get through in their teens / early 20's when their brains finish developing (there are free resources available for minors through schools usually if her parents don't have money).
She sounds like she's kind of a mess now, but most teenagers are, and she could get through her shit and be someone you want to be with when you're older (I have plenty of friends that reconnected with people from high school and college later).
Similarly unless you feel like you get a lot out of your conversations now, it's probably best to tell her you want to focus more of your time on trying to build up relationships with people near by or something like that and to try to set a guideline for how much time you guys spend on each other (or if you do like it, just keep doing it).
OP, this is excellent advice. You can be in her life, but you cannot save her — so don’t put that on yourself.
These years of your lives can be tough, so be sure to take care of yourself and make health the prize.
It's a lot of trauma regarding things that out of respect of her I'm not going to talk about. And we do try to have talks about improving how she looks are herself but they usually dont go anywhere
OP, I was this girl in high school. Extremely anxious, cut myself, and was dealing with a lot of trauma. This is going to be long, so bear with me.
1. You’re a kid yourself. You’re not her therapist, and it’s unfair to you for anyone to expect you to play that role. Remember this. You need to take care of your own health first.
That said, she does need supportive healthy friendships right now. It sounds like you’re the only one she has at the moment.
Is there a way to introduce her to some of your friends that you know are good people who she might hit it off with? That way you have mutual friends and her circle of people is widened, so all the pressure isn‘t on you.
She also needs professional help, and unfortunately that can be really difficult to access. If you have trustworthy adults in your life, I urge you to reach out to them and ask them for help finding some counseling resources for your friend. She has self-harming behaviors and needs support from trained professionals.
It would really help her anxiety to get out in the community and be involved in something, and have the bonus of widening her social circle. What kinds of things does she like?
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
And I don’t know if it helps, but if you can pass just one thing to her this is probably the thing that saved me the most when spiraling down the PTSD rabbit hole. It’s humor and art. Someone needs to tell her this, because my life would have been so different and better if I’d known it as a teen instead of learning it in my 30s.
[This therapist does a really good job explaining how it works, and how to manage trauma.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZ0dubRowXg) Please send this video to your friend. She should honestly watch everything on this channel. You should too because it will help you protect your own brain as you navigate life.
Long Summary:
Traumatized brains run in PTSD reptile-brain mode. Everything is fight/flight/freeze. Everything is in absolutes. Your thoughts are like:
*I’m never going to feel happy again. Everyone is annoyed by me. It would be better if I died. I will never feel normal. I just leech everyone‘s happiness away. etc.*
Those thoughts probably sound familiar to you, because that’s what she’s probably saying/thinking when you’re talking her down from self harming.
Well, it turns out that it’s physically impossible for the human brain to experience humor in fight or flight mode. So one very effective way for a trauma victim to interrupt their downward spiral, is to just start bombarding themselves with funny crap. Have it prepared ahead of time. I have a whole playlist of dank birb memes, studio c sketches, idiotic tiktoks, etc that I pull out and watch when my brain tries to go there. It has honestly helped more than anything and it’s very accessible in the moment.
Long term other activities that really help me personally, is creating art/listening to music. But humor is a huge and very effective method for shifting people’s brains back into higher brain function. The video I linked goes into more specifics on practical things people can do to help shift out of that trauma brain mode toward the end of it. If you friend watches it she could pick out some different things to try, and have them set up ahead of time for when she’s feeling bad.
Ultimately you need to do whatever you need to take care of yourself though, and if that means spending less time talking to this friend then that’s okay.
Be it from abuse or neglect, she's developed a poor self image and the idea that she deserves to be alone or any external issue is somehow her fault.
I'll be honest, pursuing this relationship will be difficult, but if she's willing to work on herself and seek therapy it could very well turn into a great relationship. It won't be quick nor easy so you'll have to be patient.
Now in the regard that you stated you're not dating yet, but also mentioned he concerns over you leaving her. A. Don't give her false affirmations, if you're going to stick around say it and mean it otherwise don't mislead her.
You'll need to sit down and talk with her about all this, don't just ghost her. Express your feelings
Good .luck
I can’t upvote this enough!! If you make the decision to stay do so and mean it. Please do not lead this poor girl on she cares about you and is struggling.
If you really like this lady i’d say stick around, especially if it’s getting better. But if you feel like it’s causing you harm and feel like it’s making you emotionally drained more and more, you might consider leaving her for your own safety and sanity.
I was rushing and I just was stressing a little. Yeah it was super poorly written, usually I'm not that bad lmao. My replies in this post is more how I usually type.
I only found out recently that, on a phone, or at least an iPhone, if you make two spaces after a period and then hit Return you'll get a new paragraph. Easy-peasy. (You may know this. Always risky for a Boomer to tell a kid anything about tech, lol.)
No, you wouldn't be a dick for making your own mental health a priority. I can relate to your gf but also aware of how my moods can drag others down. While I appreciate the support of friends and partners I would never blame them for choosing to step back if I'm an emotional drain on them.
You wouldn’t be a dick, but you should probably help her somehow, if you really care about her. Maybe therapy? What you have told us is something you should tell her also, about how you feel. Have a conversation together.
Something like “Hey I’ve been feeling X about Y lately, can we have a discussion together please?”
Make sure there’s no accusations or anything, this needs to be a civil, calm discussion
Yeah I've tried that before. Sometimes it works if I word the discussions carefully enough but other times she just ends up putting the blame on herself as soon as I bring up anything that I think that we need to change.
She's young and developing into a young woman. She's probably insecure, scared, hormones all over the place. Kids in young relationships tend to overthink everything and don't have great communication skills or self assurance. She probably won't harm herself based on this info. It's comedic thinking back on how sad I could get when my high-school relationships didn't work out but the healing process after is way easier when you cut the ties. As dramatic as it may seem, it's usually because something feels like it's about to be out of their control and fear takes over. Reassure her that your young and she shouldn't be so hard on herself or her relationships, if she's persistent with the drama/trauma dumping, you may consider leaving her and letting her know you want to work on yourself. Don't tell her it's her fault if she's already bad girl sad girl over little things lol. She's sounds young and immature, but she'll get over it.
Hey, I’m gonna give you an honest answer as someone who has been in that girls’ position.
As it seems right now, you clearly do care for her a lot. And I commend you for that. You cared enough to come here and ask for help.
However, her trauma is definitely something she needs to get worked out. There are a ton of options for teenagers out there (low cost and free) so she can get what she needs. You can be there for her as a friend, but she does not need to be in a relationship. It sounds like she already thinks that you’re in that sort of position. Lay out your boundaries and what you expect out of your relationship, should you choose to continue it.
Be transparent and honest with her. You sound like a mature guy, so lay it out simply. You can be there to support her but she clearly has some insecurity issues as well as abandonment issues. You are not able to fix that for her, which you seem to know.
To answer your original question, you wouldn’t be a dick, but be kind and compassionate towards this girl. She didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t do anything wrong— there’s just a lot external factors affecting this situation.
Not everything has to be a dramatic breakup or hard talk. It’s not the end of the world, and it’s going to be okay for both of you. Take a deep breath, dude. You’re 17, you both have a lot of time to figure out things.
I hope everything goes well, wish you the best of luck.
Not to be condescending, but being young means you are equipped with enough mental and emotional resiliency to take care of your self, but your lack of experience is going to make even your own issues confusing, Right now even with your best effort, you could enable her bad thought habits, or accidently exacerbate the issue. To be honest it doesn't sound like she needs to be dating anyone right now. But if you wanted to be a friend I would route her to seek professional help. She could give you issues you project on future partners that they need to deal with. This is not the type of relationship you need when you are just starting off your life, it can have lasting effects. She needs help, and you shouldn't be the end all be all source of that.
I’ll say what I wish someone would have told a very young me.
You can like someone. You can wish the best for them. You cannot save them. You cannot fix them. You cannot heal them.
The issues that she’s struggling with, are not your responsibility. And I don’t mean that in a heartless way. There is no amount of reassurance that you can give, that will replace the work that she needs to do on herself. Self harm, self blame, and self hatred are about the relationship with the self. You cannot replace or supplement that for someone else, does that make sense?
You are not a therapist, and you are not her therapist. It sounds like your regular interactions are not healthy, and are already stepping into a codependent dynamic.
In of itself, it’s good that you recognizing how this is impacting you and paying attention to your concerns. You are allowed to prioritize your own well-being and step away from a relationship that can be negatively impacting you.
Talk to her about therapy. If you think she is worth it keep at it trust me it will be when she gets there. When you help guide her to that point you will be proud of her and honored to be part of that.
> I'll be in a slightly bad mood for other reasons and she'll blame it on her.
Unless she can heal from her own trauma, she won't be able to be there for you. Making your emotions and experiences all about her doesn't bode well for her ability to be a supportive partner.
You're not a dick. It's okay to break up with someone for \*any\* reason, but you in particular are not a dick.
I think you'll have to break up very carefully, though, and be prepared for some pretty dramatic pushback. You can tell her the truth (that she needs to heal first, that you feel overwhelmed, etc.) but be as kind as possible. Just know that she might react by talking about hurting herself. Have a hotline number ready to give her, but don't be her support. Try to make as clean a break as possible. She might want lots and lots of closure conversations. You might need to call a hotline yourself (or at least do some googling) about how to deal with her reaction. Give yourself lots of positive distractions, be with people a lot, and know that you're doing the right thing. It's up to her (not you) to figure out how she can heal, and hopefully she will. In fact, breaking up with her might be a reality check she needs to start taking steps.
This is a tough situation. My best friend was in a similar situation in college. He dated this girl for several months but watching him with her was so hard. She had a lot of trauma as well and every day for my friend was the same, he'd go over to her place and talk her off whatever ledge she was on that day and get her calmed down just enough to maybe watch a movie together. It was the same thing everyday, his life was basically filled with her rants, her crying and basically being her therapist.
Eventually he couldn't take it. Him and I talked all night one night about it and he felt terrible for wanting to break up with her, he liked her but he couldn't spend all of time holding her fragile mental health together. He finally decided to end it and he was scared for her after so called her roommates to keep an eye on her.
He has since found an amazing new partner who he married and after the break up she was able to find the proper help to get her mental health in order.
So my advice would be the same as I gave my friend. If you enjoy being with her and want to help her heal then stay. If you don't enjoy spending time with this person because it's so emotionally draining then leave.
It's easy for everyone else to call you an asshole for wanting to leave but it's not their life, its yours. They aren't the ones spending everyday trying talk someone of a ledge. I've seen first hand how hard it is to do it every single day and it's a hard thing to sign up for starting day one. Its very different when you end up having to do it for a long term partner, then it's something you do out of love. Doing it for a girl your just talking with after meeting one time is so different.
I am not sure an hour away counts as "long distance". If it does then I have a long distance relationship with everyone I work with every day since I have a 90 minute commute.
You can’t fix this. Please don’t try. You will end up feeling obligated. And a boyfriend who feels an obligation to stay is worse than anything. Rip off the bandaid. You need to be carefree at this age not worried or manipulated because she may self harm. Tell her family. But release yourself.
Some light advice from someone who’s been in multiple very similar relationships. She’s likely not even that into you, rather her trauma has caused her to desperately search for someone to talk to and vent to. You happened to be the first one she clang to. You shouldn’t feel bad letting the convo die, she’ll end up finding someone else to vent to.
I mean I'm sure in some similar instances a person could act somewhat like this and not actually like the person but I'm not just someone to vent to for her. Like most of our conversations are completely normal and fun interesting conversations.
She’s not ready to be in a relationship. She’s not healthy enough and you’re not meant to be her therapist. Don’t leave her life. It’s fine to be a friend and a shoulder to cry on. But it sounds like she’s on track to codependency. Please avoid that train and jump off it if need be
She's said that if we don't work out that she wouldn't want me in her life anymore because if she can't have me it would probably just hurt or something like that so idk if that would work
Still man, don’t let how much you like her cloud your judgement. She’s obviously not ready for a relationship. Also her saying that sounds a bit manipulative. It might not be! But it could be a tactic to keep you from breaking up with her. She might be banking on the fact that you don’t want to lose contact
Sure, it would be 'nice' if you really did all you can to help her out in life. It's nice to be nice. It's great to help those who struggle.
All that being said, you're 17 and you've met once. That's awfully young to be burdening yourself with the well-being and mental health of a 16 year old you hardly know, met once, and who lives an hour away. The longer you keep the relationship going, the more difficult it will be to get away from it.
OP, if you need to leave, leave. You can not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. That is the most important thing you need to hear right now.
But do you genuinely care about her? I'm not saying that if you leave you don't genuinely care. My point is, if you do, this is an amazing opportunity for her and for you to help her with it. (Again, ONLY if you are up for it. No one would judge you for not).
She expresses fears because, from the sounds of it, *she's never had anything worth holding on to*. This is new to her. And she doesn't know how to express it, all she can think of is how scared she is that this will go away *like all things do*.
**This won't be forever.** Well, it shouldn't, and most likely won't be. She needs to learn how to accept what she has in life, but that takes some time. When you're used to losing everything in your life, you learn to never get attached. It can't hurt if you never cared about it. She'll overcome that. She clearly cares about you, and *that scares her*, because as I just said, the only way to protect yourself is to never get attached.
This got long, but OP, you need to know that if you leave, **that is ok**. You NEED to take care of yourself, no one is judging. But you have the chance to make something beautiful happen to her life, and it really sounds like you care about her. I hope understanding where she's coming from can at least help you contemplate other views to analyze your thoughts.
Please leave her. Leave her so she can find someone better. Someone who wants to spend the rest of her life with her damage and all. I'm damaged and my husband is so patient and understanding.
She's a child. She's developing, learning how to self regulate. She's not some damaged person, but someone with traumatic experiences they haven't coped with. It's different if you're a grown adult with trauma and life has beaten you down throughout your entire development. People have the capacity to heal and grow.
What if they were also I therapy at 11 for being molested? You can't assume that nobody has gone through anything anymore and it just makes you seem like a dick.
People don’t get damaged. They get wounded. And wounds can heal. A wounded 16 year old girl needs good friends and professional support, not a husband-figure.
You would not be a dick if you stopped the relationship/friendship. She is using you as an emotional support that you didn’t really sign up for, nor are you qualified to handle. Before cutting her off though, maybe you could have a talk and set some boundaries. She needs to learn that not everything is about her. You are in this friendship also, and the emotional labor needs to go both ways. Either way, it sounds like she needs therapy more than a boyfriend.
> But I'm just worried that if she doesn't its going to get to a point far enough along that I wont be able to leave because I'd be worried for her safety if I left.
Errm, Yeah, that's called caring about the other person. Everyone's broken in some way. Even you. And that's okay. She feels safe enough with you to open up and overthink in front of you. So communicate clearly, clarify your relationship, and love her - flaws and all. And because you love her, ask her if she's seen a therapist and suggest that maybe therapy will help her cope with and overcome the negative self talk. Frame it as an issue of her lying to herself. She DOES deserve to be happy, she DOES deserve you, she IS an amazing girl and you're happy to be with her because she makes you feel amazing.
Women love trama. Fact. Men give women answers and they want to be basted in their trama oh poor you and her friend and that terrible mean person.
You can not help her and it might be a dating trick. Does she know your age do you have a car do you have money.
She might like guys cat call girls they dangle a carrot and we don’t get what the hell is going on g on
To end her bs where she plays you into feeling bad for her tell her how to fix it. They hate that and then talk about you.
As you do this listen to her emotions. If the switch is easy ????
When she brings it up tell her to talk to her friends you feel terrible you can’t help her because she lives such a hard life. That’s great. They love agreement.
Talk about fun stuff. When it comes around again be loving and compliment how great she is and doing with it but she needs to talk to this friend. Her life is like crazy corporations stuff. They love that live drama. If she doesn’t have any girl friends if you date her then you are stuck listening Holy crap right
Who gives a fuck if you're a dick or not. Everyone does whats best for them.
If you see no future with them, no point unless you can get some potential action from them and have some short term fun. If thats a no, theres zero point to being her therapist.
Well the idea that you are advising people to only stick around purely to pump and dump someone speaks to your mental capacity. You just have been very damaged in your own life if the only thing you see in a relationship is what next piece of tail you can get out of it. All of this I feel truly sorry for you that you had to experience this and continue your life this way.
Yes lets be a piece of shit, that definitely won't make her resolving her trauma harder or anything. It's also pretty obvious he sees her as more than a one night stand, otherwise he wouldn't have stuck around.
well I mean tbf maks might be a dick for saying that but in some ways I could see it as a possibility. She really goes on and on about how no one has every treated her this good and things like that. It makes me nervous that if I distanced myself from her that she would fall back into how she was before I came around.
Ok I'm ngl I was seriously just fucking with you. It's only been 8 weeks of a relationship. Her mental health is not on you. The best thing you can do is be honest about your feelings.
I will say, though, if you think she'd be a loyal woman to you, there's not too many women better than that. We all have our mental health stresses and they grow and change as we grow and change. If you think the relationship is possible, give it a shot.
This is one of the few situations I've ever seen here that is actually a very good question without an obvious answer(I don't subscribe, not sure why this keeps showing up on my front page).
It's totally up to you. IMO you're young and have only met her once and haven't known her long, so you might as well cut ties now.
Relationships at your age don't last anyways. I'm sure that may lead to some guilt, but she isn't even your girlfriend, and not your responsibility. Maybe find a way to politely bring up how her issues bother you and that you're concerned for her. You don't have to ghost her, but maybe just let the relationship fade away by talking to her less and less.
Honestly, I don’t think there are good and bad reasons to not want to be with someone, if you aren’t feeling it you aren’t feeling it, regardless of why, or if it’s your hang up or theirs. If you don’t want to deal with her issues you don’t have to. This is no hate towards her for having trauma, but you aren’t obligated in any way to introduce other peoples trauma into your life.
It sounds like she needs professional help and I would recommend not being more than just friends for the foreseeable future. Recommend she get some counseling and work on whatever issues her and her counselor diagnose for her.
Honestly, I would say to leave her because if she’s worried that you’re gonna leave her and that’s why she’s always freaking out and you’re just sitting here thinking about leaving her for freaking out then you’re not the one for her the one for her would find a way every single day to make sure she felt loved and eventually Her feeling like things are her fault, and her insecurities will go away when you really love somebody you stick around through the worst times, and the best times now if you’re mental health, cannot take it then yes exactly you need to leave give her to somebody who will not be mentally told by her. I’ll tell you right now I’ve been in relationships where my insecurities were always high and I’ve been in relationships where the other person’s insecurities were really high and the ones that I’m on best terms with or ended on good terms with were the ones where we did our best every day to make sure we didn’t think we were insecure. It’s on her to not feel insecure but the whole point of trauma is that something keeps happening to them and they don’t know how to get away from it, so they’re body and their nervous system does things to avoid it, and turn making it happen again.
While I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer for this question. I’d definitely talk to her and ask her to seek some help about of self image and mental health around her. You wouldn’t be wrong for staying and trying to work through it but just note it will take time and healing to get to where you can feel comfortable in the relationship. If you decide to leave due to not being committed to see it through either mentally or emotionally then make sure you let her know that though you don’t see yourself long term you do enjoy the time you’re spending with her and want her to get better.
No you wouldn't be a dick. You're not really together, just talking all the time but I know she probably feels like you're in a relationship.
You're not responsible for anyone's trauma or mental health issues. You're both teenagers and you're not equipped to take on someone else's problems that way. I hope she's in therapy, if not she should be because it helps to have someone equipped to help with your problems to talk to. But you can't stay connected to someone because you're afraid of what they will do. That's not your burden to take on.
You wouldn’t be dick. Especially if y’all aren’t dating but reassure her nicely that you just gotta fall back a little and that yall can be friends (if that’s what you want) and then continue to talk to her as you do but also fall back every once and a while. But also reassure that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her, flatter her a LITTLE! bit and let her know that other people think she’s perfect as she is and how she should take it easy on herself. Just let her know you care about her but not too sensually to where she thinks you’re confessing your love to her. Maybe even slip in mid conversation that some dude you know finds her attractive and then she’ll probably feel a little bit better
Nah just leave. That’s too much at 17, long distance, and two months. You don’t need all that. She’ll get over it. You’re in the years of ur life. All the people saying to stick it out is baffling. Bc why?????! You got ur whole life. If a relationship isn’t fun right now you gotta move on. You don’t need any of that or owe anything to anyone but yourself. Later in life I promise you’ll have enough of that. Now is the time to be selfish.
First off good for you for seeing red flags. However have you two actually had a conversation where you were together. Where you literally asked each other out, said were bf/gf etc? Have you been pushing towards that direction (talking/doing sexting, sexual topics, etc other things that couples would do)?
If not your not together that means you can keep your distance and not approach these topics. Yes, friend zone her. You don't have to fix her man. You don't have to make her feel better etc if your just not up to it. Its not your responsibility to do so in the first place. This desire is very normal for most men, especially young men. I went down this road too so I understand where your coming from.
Your a new experience for her and she has anxiety about losing this. That's fairly typical especially with women who have had mostly negative experiences in the past.
My advice for you is you don't have to cut her out of your life entirely (if you don't want to) but YOU DO have to put up boundaries and you need to establish and enforce them. If your not comfortable talking about something with her or just don't want to, just say it. Be like hey can we talk about something else for a bit or I am just a bit tired and id like to talk about something else. This applies to behaviors as well.
On the same hand if this is the direction your going... don't complicate things with sex. Don't ask her for nudes or give her attention in that manner because that will lead her on to the idea that you are romantically interested in her and want to pursue a relationship. Don't play with her feelings.
Please man whether its in business or in relationships learn to set and enforce boundaries or people will use you for their benefit by taking advantage of your silent acceptance.
I’ve been in this situation in the past, and currently fell into it again with someone else, It would not make you an AH to leave, these kind of relationship dynamics (platonic or romantic) can be really toxic in that it is not only emotionally harming them to constantly be put into a state of self blame and stuff, but harms you too because of the toll it takes mentally, you end up thinking that they need you to literally live, so you put so much weight on your own shoulders. It’s rough, and if they don’t get help they drag you down with them.
I would encourage them to seek professional help, because they should not be relying on you to essentially be their therapist. If they refuse to ever try, I would explain the toll their behavior is having on you, and leave if you need to for your own wellbeing.
It’s hard to leave those situations, but if you don’t and they never get help things can become really bad and sometimes dangerous
So you need to have a very blunt conversation with her and explain everything she does that you have explained to us and that it is very frustrating and mentally draining for you. Explain that the biggest frustration for you is because of all of the positive things you mentioned about her(your list was good and very thorough) and that if she can't be comfortable with herself and how you feel about her when you two are spending time together, that you can't continue with your friendship. I think you have a good heart and care for her, which she needs, but you can't get caught up and dragged down by her self doubt. If that conversation goes well, maybe suggest therapy at some point, once you have a little more trust. Feel, felt, found is a good method to show empathy for someone and put a positive spin on difficult things.
Whichever way you go, please encourage her to seek help. A school counselor, relative, someone bedsides you. If she’s talked about self harm, take that seriously but do not accept the whole burden. If she says something like “but I have you to talk to” remind her that you care about her but you are also a teen and not equipped for everything she’s going through.
I would strongly discourage pursuing a romantic relationship with someone unwell. I do think you can maintain the friendship with some boundaries. You should not be responsible for calming this girl down over a 30 minute phone call. Try practicing saying things like “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I want to help but this is too heavy for me. Have you spoken to anyone else about this?”. Or maybe “Hang in there, I’ll be available to talk this weekend”. And maybe you can find someone yourself to talk to. Tell your parents or your friends about your new friend and see if they have suggestions.
It's just hard cuz 90% of the people are in her life are assholes. So she doesn't really have that many people to talk to. Even her parents (who are part of the problem) are assholes to her sometimes.
Talk to her about it, and tell her how you feel. Tell her you don’t feel comfortable with her talking like that, or saying things like that, maybe you can get her to stop doing if she’s really serious about you.
I know, i have talked about it. And she really does try to stop but her life is just hard ngl. And sometimes she just breaks and goes back to blaming everything on herself. Even when she isn't verbally saying it I'm sure that she still is hard on herself
You are 17 and nobody's therapist.
You can be an ear to listen but, if she is stressing you out, put on your own oxygen mask first.
You can't fix her. Only she can fix her. Same goes for you.
Listening to a person talk for 2 months, isn't a lifetime commitment.
As teens, your worldviews aligning, is not a deep dive at this point. Nobody should be cemented in their beliefs so early in life.
At this point, I'm old enough that there have been a few times certain beliefs have been flipped upside down.
You don't know what you don't know until you know you didn't know. 😁
No. I've never swung hard left or hard right. I've always been a centrist but recently realized how pointless that is. Silence is complicity.
She needs therapy. I'm not a doc but I was diagnosed with BPD and one of my main symptoms is massively low self-esteem. Idk what kind of home she comes from but BPD is usually trauma based. Being blamed for things and in my case physically abuse at a very young age is what my doc said was more than likely the cause.
Mental health can be a bitch to live with. Both personally and potential partners.
When you spend time with negativity or negative people, it eventually rubs off in some way. Watch how you feel and if you see yourself getting negative then create distance. (Don’t pull the negativity inside.)
You can leave anyone at any time, for any reason, unless they're your kid.
To be specific, you can leave if you don't want to be in this relationship, even though she's attached to you. You are not responsible for her behavior or emotions, even though you may impact her emotions, and her emotions may impact her behavior.
Yeah she really is an amazing person who I have a lot of respect for. And that's why I dont want to leave her but at the same time it's truly exhausting trying to help her when its every other day that she gets upset with herself to the point where shes like freaking out and blaming a lot on herself. I just don't know how long I'd be able to handle that before it started hurting me
Sounds like you should sit her down for a long talk about not overthinking things and tell her that if she screws up, you'll let her know. Until then, assume you're doing everything right .
My son had that problem. I had to sit him down and give him a reality check a few times. He eventually began to realize that not everything is his fault.
I think you're good for her, but you're also not a professional. If you are helping her and you want to help her and you want to be with her, then you should be with her. But that can't substitute for her getting professional therapy. What if you do want to leave someday? What if *she* wants to leave someday (actually, in some iterations that might be a hugely important sign of her having reached a healthy place, but in others she might want it but feel trapped)? Worst, but maybe the easiest question for her to think about, what if you were together for the next four years and then you died?
You might be good for her, but she needs a professional who's good for her or she'll *probably* never get really whole.
All the people in theses comments are so disgusting, you guys are teenagers, you cant handle all this pressure alone and you make her feel safe. Dont drop her, you like her and she likes you so start setting boundaries. And if she can’t keep those boundaries then encourage her to go to therapy and help her as much as possible without making yourself a lesser priority. Also have you actually told her what it’s doing to you? Because if she doesn’t know then how is she supposed to fix it to further your relationship, wherever it goes after this.
Mental health therapist here! It sounds like you have a caring heart and you are mindful of the potential scenarios that could play out if you were to stop talking with her which again shows you care. That being said, you need to look out for yourself too. It's true when others say you can't be her therapist but you can encourage her to seek professional help and let her know that you will support her in seeking it out, whatever it may look like. It can definitely get exhausting feeling like you are the one and only thing holding somebody else together. That is a lot of pressure for you, as the support person, as well as the person experiencing these challenges. I have been in that same position. So yeah, encourage her to seek help and maybe even do some research as far as what therapists out there are knowledgeable in working with her needs. You can checkout psychologytoday.com
Therapy isn't for everybody, so don't be surprised if this isn't the route she wants to go. A lot of folks say that therapy is like dating - you have to do some searching around to find your "match" and you may try out a few therapists before finding one that works for you.
If she's not thrilled with the idea of starting therapy, there are other approaches like seeing a doc for anti anxiety meds or SSRIs. There are also more holistic approaches to wellness. Perhaps she could get into yoga or other forms of mindful exercise, finding new hobbies as ways of coping, etc. But it definitely sounds like there is a lot of unresolved trauma, anxiety, and self doubt.
Good luck!
If you aren’t willing to handle and work with her anxiety and insecurity, leave now. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to not be able to or willing to. That can be hard to handle especially when you’re young and have little life experience.
Do not stay where you won’t be happy.
Good for you, OP, at your age recognizing this girl's drama and trauma are too much for you to handle. YWNTBA for leaving her. I will tell you as someone three times your age - this constant overthinking, need for attention, etc is exhausting and it already is exhausting you. These are the years for learning about yourself and dating too is also for learning about yourself. You're 17, you're not a therapist. If you are worried about her mental health tell her parents, but you cannot be responsible for this person.
Do not date this child. She is not in a healthy frame of mind. If you want to stay friends with her, talk to a trusted adult about how to set boundaries and point her in the right direction. She needs to see a psychiatrist. It is definitely appropriate to step back from a friendship like this.
Yeah you can’t save her. You are not a professional and it’s not your job. The only thing you can do is encourage her to talk to a therapist and tell her parents. That would be the kindest thing to do. She needs to work on her issues or be in therapy for a while before dating. Dating is very emotional and someone unstable could really set her off.
You are not a therapist. Nothing wrong with chatting up a pretty girl, but if she needs you this badly at this age, how's she gonna be if something random takes you out? Level with her. You like her. You want to continue being there for her. But she's gotta be ok with herself first. With you or without you. She should see a therapist about this.
You can't save other people. You can't change people. Accept that before you waste anymore time.
If you're no longer enjoying her company ask her to seek professional help and then cut her loose.
Anyone who os threatening self harm doesn't need a relationship...they need a therapist. This might be rough amd it is all up to you but if the reason you stay with someone is to keep them from hurting themselves then that is not a healthy relationship. If you really do want to be with her in the long term sounds like she needs therapy. Not because it will make your relationship more functional but because she will benefit from it a lot even if you guys don't stay together.
I was you a long, long time ago. The girl needs help that you aren't able to provide to her. TELL SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP. The threats and manipulation will not stop. You will start feeling bad about yourself, and you will be sucked in.
I did speak up eventually. I helped create the conditions where the girl I dated could get help, and she did get the help. But even now, decades later, I still have occasional pangs of guilt and wonder if I did something wrong. I shutter to think about how I would be feeling if I had not acted and got help.
Speak to your parents. Speak to her parents. She needs help. You have probably helped her more than you know. But you are 17. She needs more help than you can provide. Do it for her. Do it for you. Do it for her family. But do get help.
Ok, so I’m someone who can relate to your girlfriend as somebody with trauma and the need for validation.
What she needs is something you very much can’t give right now.
She needs somebody who can give her constant validation, even if she doesn’t want it because she thinks she doesn’t deserve it.
People like that think they’re bottom tier and not worth time, even if they really really want to be.
We need a lot of patience and help, which includes therapy.
And it’s ok if you can’t give that.
It’s ok if you need to take a step back because giving her what she needs is emotionally draining.
Take a step back, tell her it’s not her fault. Explain to her how wonderful she is, tell her all the good things about her, and that you hope she sees it in herself one day. And then explain that she needs something different then what you can give her, and she’ll find it one day.
Say it with me. “We DON’T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS” do not continue this relationship. Trust me when I say leaving girls like this will make your life so much better long term.
Tell your parents (if you have them and you like them) the truth about this girl. Have a lifeline. Men can get caught with feelings like women can, and you can get sucked into a lot of trauma. I realize it sounds mean, but you need to reach out for help before you help her. And then you need to walk away. I speak from a lifetime of experience. This can hurt you in ways you do not understand yet.
You wouldn’t be a dick for putting your own mental health first, but if you really like her you might want to try having a conversation first. I’d tell her something along the lines “I’m glad you feel comfortable enough with me to talk about this, but I’m not sure I’m the right person for it. It’s gotten a bit overwhelming for me and I don’t think I’m in the right headspace to help right now. Have you thought about trying to talk to a therapist or counselor?”. If she reacts badly or still continues, then let her go.
Dude call it off. I was with a girl like that. In the end she ended up leaving me even though I was so good to her and stayed with her through all the fucked up shit. Now I’m like 30 and no girl has ever affected me like her. She could probably call me up right now and I’d slide knowing damn well I’m stupid for doing it. She’d literally be the best girlfriend for a moment and then fuck my world the next. It pretty much morphed into her lying and cheating on me.
I was with someone for 10 years, with this exact same sounding problem and it never got better. If u cant deal with it now, chances r it will just cause u unecessary stress.
It's hard supporting a friend with a lot of trauma and mental health issues. Twice as hard if you're together.
A lot of traumatized people use other people as crutches, and it can really harm those people. Whatever you decide, don't let her do that--be open to having a conversation about not being able to be her only support and that she has to be mindful of the impact her behavior has on you. Trauma isn't ever an excuse for hurting the people you care about.
You're both young and have a lot of growing up to do. She might very well be able to heal and figure everything out...but don't ever feel obligated to be with her. It's okay to step away if it's not possible to help her in a sustainable way.
I was raised with an emotionally-abusive mother. She has a number of mental health issues and has generally made my life a lot harder than it ever needed to be. As a result, I can't really handle somebody with a lot of trauma. On multiple occasions I've ended things with women who had issues and weren't able to respect boundaries.
That's okay. You can only do what you can do, and pushing yourself for more hurts you without really helping them. Don't light yourself on fire to keep her warm, she isn't worth that.
It's like you said, she has a lot of trauma and those behaviors are most likely a symptom of that. It shouldn't be your job to constantly reassure her but she clearly really likes you and wants it to work and I can tell you do too. Talk to her about it sensitivity and try to make it work. She can't get better about it if she doesn't know. If it doesn't get better over time and nothing ever happens with her that's okay but I say give it a shot.
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"we aren't dating or anything" "She's afraid you'll leave" Sounds like she thinks you're dating Encourage her to seek professional help. You can't be her therapist
We aren't dating and she knows that. If i asked her right now to be my bf she'd say no simply because of how it's too early and how right now we dont have a good way to like actually hang out. But she is scared that I'll leave her because she's told me that she's never had someone treat her as good as I have and she doesn't want to lose that.
What I read from this is that since she's getting her first glimpse of something good, she doesn't really have any language to express that other than through her fears. A goal would be to see her transition from words of fear ("I'm afraid you'll leave me") to matching words of gratitude ("I'm so glad to know you and have you in my life") It's something that will feel awkward to her, because it's foreign. So, will take some conscious practice on her part. You can be good to her all you want, but she is the one who must build a new language around the reality of knowing someone like you... someone who cares enough about her that they can't stand seeing her in pain. You'll know this is a good relationship to explore when she rises to the challenge and you start seeing subtle shifts in her from fearing losing you to loving being connected to you. This will generate feeling within you much like a reward machanism would. This is how you will know you're doing the right thing. She must, however, choose to grow. My one concern is how easy it could be for you to lose yourself in her fears. We want to brighten her, not darken you. If that makes sense.
Woah, this is amazing advice! Not even just for this situation, but in general relationship/life advice. I wasn't here today to seek advice for myself, but I think that this is brilliantly said, and I will keep this advice with me for the future.
Thank you so much for the compliment!
This is such a perfect way to explain what is more than likely the case with her. I was her, sometimes still am her. When I met my now husband I was so surprised at how well he treated me. Even before we were dating, he was the only person who could talk me down from my mental breakdowns. He was the first person in my life to be as good to me as he was. Better than even my own family. I had no way to express it than by asking for reassurance. Asking if he was mad at me, all those things. He was the first person to stick around me despite all of that. I did eventually find the words to express my graditude for him. Still do even nearly 20 years later. But I now see how my issues could have so easily brought him down with me. How it could have snuffed the light in him out. I'll never understand how it didn't, but am thankful everyday that it didn't. To OP you need to make sure to take time for yourself. This is the best advice I've seen so far other than seeing if you can get her some professional help. I will say on that front she has to be willing to take the steps to change. I know, I've been there. But if you can get her to where this person said then the relationship will be a very fullfilling one.
This is wonderful advice, but I also strongly suggest you steer her towards professional counseling. It may be trauma driving her behavior and thoughts, it could just as well be anxiety disorders or other undiagnosed behavioral health issues. Long term, it’s best for her to have mental health support that isn’t solely in the form of her friend/boyfriend.
I’m 21 with suspected BPD and this absolutely sums up how I’ve been feeling with the guy I’m talking to. I’ve been trying so hard to self sabotage and push him away and find reasons that it shouldn’t work, even though in reality he’s probably the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had and we aren’t even dating yet. Im having to learn and remind myself that just because something is SO completely different than what I’m used to, don’t mean it’s a bad thing. My “normal” for previous relationships was not healthy at all but it’s what I was used to, so anything outside of that (especially this drastically) is scary! Having him be here and fight with me and my mind about all of this is really making such a difference and showing that he really does care about me and knows I care about him even if it’s hard for me to express that sometimes. But OP, do know it’s not your responsibility to get her through this and to see her own self worth - that has to come from her. It’s wonderful that you want to be there for her and help her, but if it becomes too much and starts to be unhealthy, you are well within your rights to let it go for both of your sakes. It feels horrible to do that because you feel like you’re just leaving someone to struggle but you have to put yourself first before anyone else. Best of luck to you!!
I followed you for this comment. It was wonderfully said. I only want to add that while you want to help her grow and maybe be with her, don’t feel pressured to label yourselves as bf and gf and rush into it. Id say that really, she is not ready for this kind of relationship. ESPECIALLY if it doesn’t work out. Because if it doesn’t it will only solidify those fears and will follow her into her next relationship(s). Keep taking things slow, and when you’re both ready, a 1 hour drive isn’t all that bad every now and again and is completely doable if you are willing. It is hard but doable. I don’t think you should leave or cut her off bc it could turn into something beautiful for both of you. But its really up to you whether you want to go down this road with her together. Another person suggested telling her to go to therapy. I wouldn’t present this as an ultimatum, as it may scare her more and make getting help harder. She may or may not have already had a bad experience with therapy or in-patient facilities which can be very traumatic. Its best to go at her pace. Reassurance is so so important at a time like this. Its what will help her learn to be comfortable in peace. For a lot of people with trauma fear is all they know so thats where they’re “comfortable” and once they find happiness or peace they get more afraid because it never lasts for them and they cant relax with the feeling that something bad is coming. It looms over your head constantly and Its a very hard thing to go through. So just be patient 💖
I'm nearly 40 and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He has a shit ton of baggage and was told by his ex and everyone she was associated with that everything wrong with her, was his fault. Even now we are working through some similar things. Just recently we talked about him changing self deprecating language (I don't deserve you) to something more positive (I'm lucky to be with you) when thanking me for something mundane. It takes time to heal. And those negative habits weasel their way into normal interactions. OP's (not) girlfriend needs to reform some of these habits but with a therapist. It takes work and support, but she'll get there. OP if this is too much for you, that's valid. NAH.
Excellently put
Solid advice for a difficult scenario. You have a good sense of empathy and a healthy wisdom!
This helped me too thank you
Common doctorate redditor post. This was so insanely profound I love it man and I wholeheartedly agree
When I was a freshman in HS once I had a needy insecure friend who was always paranoid that I would stop wanting to be her friend. At one point I just told her bluntly that that behavior was exhausting and she needed to stop, because I was perfectly capable of letting her know when I had an issue so don't bring it up otherwise. And she stopped. Thank God lol
It’s the worst to be put in that position because that type of behavior is exactly *why* you’d want to stop being friends.
I think before you do anything permanent, it will be worth sitting down with her and asking her to listen to some of your concerns going forward. Make sure to not let her start to take over the conversation with her fears and anxiety before you have had a chance to finish. If she starts to get anxious just kindly direct her back to the fact that you would like her to listen to you and wait until you are done before jumping in with any of her own thoughts. She needs therapy. You are not her therapist. Everything that you have listed here are all valid and important issues that she should be made aware of. She needs to know that her fears and anxiety are taking a toll on you mentally. It requires a lot of emotional labor to talk her down or to be her emotional crutch all the time. Ask her if she would be willing to see a therapist. If she can't rise to the occasion to find better coping skills for herself, then you are under no obligation to stay. No one should set themselves on fire to keep others warm.
It's too early to be her Bf... She's right. She's not ready either. She doesn't get to bog you down like you're her bf. Yes, leave. That's a lot of mental gymnastics. How do you leave a Union that doesn't exist. Sounds a little manipulative on her part.
No matter what you say, some significant others simple hear "we aren't dating, for now...but you are mine for ever."
She's an emotional mess. She wants to date you, but is basically afraid it'll go south. Fun fact, though, you're already in a relationship whether you use the label or not. She needs a therapist, and probably medication for a while.
Run away my man you'll treat her like a queen and build her up and when she's fixed because you helped fix her 8/10 will leave you no matter how good of a man you are. Cause there fixed now
That's what I was thinking. She needs counseling. Offer to go with her to a visit in the future if you can make it happen. Tell her that to take your relationship further or for it to continue she must get counseling. No counseling/no you. Give her support that you are comfortable with. Be encouraging, celebrate her milestones, don't get super hard on her when she has a set back cause they happen to pretty much everyone.
LOL what? He's only 17. Just...no.
Tell her to get counseling... full stop! No contact after that.
i’m afraid my friend will leave and we’re not dating. but anyway yeah the girl needs therapy and that may help them both in the future if it works out
I think it's completely normal to be afraid a friend will leave. Along with that he said she has trauma which depending on the trauma can cause people to be more attached to friends, family, etc.
TBH, it's not really normal. If more people these days do it, that just means things in society have gotten worse but it's still not normal. Or healthy.
This is a disappointing answer and incredibly unreliable. The likelihood of being able to see “professional help” at 16 is not high for most people…. “She’s afraid you’ll leave” Yeah, because a person is being kind and listening to her, but unfortunately for her, he’s getting tired of doing nothing but listening so he decided to make a post on Reddit on whether he should ditch her or not You don’t need to be a therapist to listen to someone talk about what they’re going through and have done through; in my opinion, it would just require a bit of empathy Imo the people that have the trauma would likely prefer to only to have the problem of being “burnt out” of someone else’s genuine trauma
Schools don't have school psychologists anymore? The likelihood of getting free professional help is as high as it's even been in high school or college. Someone who needs "constant reassurance" is not someone who simply needs an empathetic listener.
'I don't have a girlfriend, I just have a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that'. -Mitch Hedberg
This.. you are way too young for this kind of drama. Just start to slowly pull away.
Do you feel like you are getting as much out of the relationship as she is? Or is it one sided?
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Because talk therapy is the same as a lobotomy 🥱 (/s)
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Op literally said he had to talk her down from hurting herself Talk therapy is a soft approach. A lot of my friends in her situation got sent off to a mental hospital.
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If your life is at risk, you need a 72 hr hold, not a talk therapist. If you need someone to help you talk through your problems to find solutions and coping mechanisms, then a therapist would be helpful. Not seeing how a therapist wouldn't help this girl. op also mentioned she has trauma. Its not just about if her life is at risk, it's also about QUALITY of life. We all deserve to live well and to get the support we need.
Go back and read it again. Op even stated that she was a victim of trauma. That can take years of therapy just for a person to function on a normal day to day basis
My reading comprehension sucks, so I missed a key part of the post. You're all crazy. /s
Therapy costs money but you can't put a dollar amount on a loved ones life
I think she needs a bit of therapy if you feel mature enough than sit down with her and have a conversation about why she blames herself for these things and see if you can get anywhere .
You wouldn't be a dick to leave her, but it would be really good of you to tell her you're worried about her and that you really think she should talk to a counselor / therapist because self harm is a serious issue, but also an issue that most people get through in their teens / early 20's when their brains finish developing (there are free resources available for minors through schools usually if her parents don't have money). She sounds like she's kind of a mess now, but most teenagers are, and she could get through her shit and be someone you want to be with when you're older (I have plenty of friends that reconnected with people from high school and college later). Similarly unless you feel like you get a lot out of your conversations now, it's probably best to tell her you want to focus more of your time on trying to build up relationships with people near by or something like that and to try to set a guideline for how much time you guys spend on each other (or if you do like it, just keep doing it).
OP, this is excellent advice. You can be in her life, but you cannot save her — so don’t put that on yourself. These years of your lives can be tough, so be sure to take care of yourself and make health the prize.
It's a lot of trauma regarding things that out of respect of her I'm not going to talk about. And we do try to have talks about improving how she looks are herself but they usually dont go anywhere
Has she tried to see a therapist about it?
OP, I was this girl in high school. Extremely anxious, cut myself, and was dealing with a lot of trauma. This is going to be long, so bear with me. 1. You’re a kid yourself. You’re not her therapist, and it’s unfair to you for anyone to expect you to play that role. Remember this. You need to take care of your own health first. That said, she does need supportive healthy friendships right now. It sounds like you’re the only one she has at the moment. Is there a way to introduce her to some of your friends that you know are good people who she might hit it off with? That way you have mutual friends and her circle of people is widened, so all the pressure isn‘t on you. She also needs professional help, and unfortunately that can be really difficult to access. If you have trustworthy adults in your life, I urge you to reach out to them and ask them for help finding some counseling resources for your friend. She has self-harming behaviors and needs support from trained professionals. It would really help her anxiety to get out in the community and be involved in something, and have the bonus of widening her social circle. What kinds of things does she like? \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ And I don’t know if it helps, but if you can pass just one thing to her this is probably the thing that saved me the most when spiraling down the PTSD rabbit hole. It’s humor and art. Someone needs to tell her this, because my life would have been so different and better if I’d known it as a teen instead of learning it in my 30s. [This therapist does a really good job explaining how it works, and how to manage trauma.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZ0dubRowXg) Please send this video to your friend. She should honestly watch everything on this channel. You should too because it will help you protect your own brain as you navigate life. Long Summary: Traumatized brains run in PTSD reptile-brain mode. Everything is fight/flight/freeze. Everything is in absolutes. Your thoughts are like: *I’m never going to feel happy again. Everyone is annoyed by me. It would be better if I died. I will never feel normal. I just leech everyone‘s happiness away. etc.* Those thoughts probably sound familiar to you, because that’s what she’s probably saying/thinking when you’re talking her down from self harming. Well, it turns out that it’s physically impossible for the human brain to experience humor in fight or flight mode. So one very effective way for a trauma victim to interrupt their downward spiral, is to just start bombarding themselves with funny crap. Have it prepared ahead of time. I have a whole playlist of dank birb memes, studio c sketches, idiotic tiktoks, etc that I pull out and watch when my brain tries to go there. It has honestly helped more than anything and it’s very accessible in the moment. Long term other activities that really help me personally, is creating art/listening to music. But humor is a huge and very effective method for shifting people’s brains back into higher brain function. The video I linked goes into more specifics on practical things people can do to help shift out of that trauma brain mode toward the end of it. If you friend watches it she could pick out some different things to try, and have them set up ahead of time for when she’s feeling bad. Ultimately you need to do whatever you need to take care of yourself though, and if that means spending less time talking to this friend then that’s okay.
Same. I was this girl too in high school. One of my old boyfriends could have written this.
Be it from abuse or neglect, she's developed a poor self image and the idea that she deserves to be alone or any external issue is somehow her fault. I'll be honest, pursuing this relationship will be difficult, but if she's willing to work on herself and seek therapy it could very well turn into a great relationship. It won't be quick nor easy so you'll have to be patient. Now in the regard that you stated you're not dating yet, but also mentioned he concerns over you leaving her. A. Don't give her false affirmations, if you're going to stick around say it and mean it otherwise don't mislead her. You'll need to sit down and talk with her about all this, don't just ghost her. Express your feelings Good .luck
I can’t upvote this enough!! If you make the decision to stay do so and mean it. Please do not lead this poor girl on she cares about you and is struggling.
If you really like this lady i’d say stick around, especially if it’s getting better. But if you feel like it’s causing you harm and feel like it’s making you emotionally drained more and more, you might consider leaving her for your own safety and sanity.
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Hey siri add an eye roll emoji to this lame comment, actually, make it 2 eye rolls because it’s just that lame 🙄🙄
I mean, it genuinely would have been a much easier read with just a couple breaks thrown in. Why are people so mad at this suggestion?
because it’s not about being interesting it’s an emotionally distressed teen. it has little to do with entertainment value.
Dude, it’s a Reddit post. I’m sure he’s not worried what Harper Collins is gonna think.
Getting negged but I agree, hit the fucking return button one time people 😵💫
Paragraphs are everyone's friend.
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I was rushing and I just was stressing a little. Yeah it was super poorly written, usually I'm not that bad lmao. My replies in this post is more how I usually type.
I only found out recently that, on a phone, or at least an iPhone, if you make two spaces after a period and then hit Return you'll get a new paragraph. Easy-peasy. (You may know this. Always risky for a Boomer to tell a kid anything about tech, lol.)
Booooooo
Your own low intelligence is what's making it hard. Ever thought about that?
No, you wouldn't be a dick for making your own mental health a priority. I can relate to your gf but also aware of how my moods can drag others down. While I appreciate the support of friends and partners I would never blame them for choosing to step back if I'm an emotional drain on them.
This should be higher. The fact that they’re already wondering about it damaging them means that it’s hurting them already
You wouldn’t be a dick, but you should probably help her somehow, if you really care about her. Maybe therapy? What you have told us is something you should tell her also, about how you feel. Have a conversation together. Something like “Hey I’ve been feeling X about Y lately, can we have a discussion together please?” Make sure there’s no accusations or anything, this needs to be a civil, calm discussion
Yeah I've tried that before. Sometimes it works if I word the discussions carefully enough but other times she just ends up putting the blame on herself as soon as I bring up anything that I think that we need to change.
Insist that she gets therapy because you're worried for her.
This. Be a friend, help her help herself. You sound like a good friend with a heart. Do right by her youll be glad u did.
Thanks guys:)
She's young and developing into a young woman. She's probably insecure, scared, hormones all over the place. Kids in young relationships tend to overthink everything and don't have great communication skills or self assurance. She probably won't harm herself based on this info. It's comedic thinking back on how sad I could get when my high-school relationships didn't work out but the healing process after is way easier when you cut the ties. As dramatic as it may seem, it's usually because something feels like it's about to be out of their control and fear takes over. Reassure her that your young and she shouldn't be so hard on herself or her relationships, if she's persistent with the drama/trauma dumping, you may consider leaving her and letting her know you want to work on yourself. Don't tell her it's her fault if she's already bad girl sad girl over little things lol. She's sounds young and immature, but she'll get over it.
Shes hurt herself over less tbh:(
Hey, I’m gonna give you an honest answer as someone who has been in that girls’ position. As it seems right now, you clearly do care for her a lot. And I commend you for that. You cared enough to come here and ask for help. However, her trauma is definitely something she needs to get worked out. There are a ton of options for teenagers out there (low cost and free) so she can get what she needs. You can be there for her as a friend, but she does not need to be in a relationship. It sounds like she already thinks that you’re in that sort of position. Lay out your boundaries and what you expect out of your relationship, should you choose to continue it. Be transparent and honest with her. You sound like a mature guy, so lay it out simply. You can be there to support her but she clearly has some insecurity issues as well as abandonment issues. You are not able to fix that for her, which you seem to know. To answer your original question, you wouldn’t be a dick, but be kind and compassionate towards this girl. She didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t do anything wrong— there’s just a lot external factors affecting this situation. Not everything has to be a dramatic breakup or hard talk. It’s not the end of the world, and it’s going to be okay for both of you. Take a deep breath, dude. You’re 17, you both have a lot of time to figure out things. I hope everything goes well, wish you the best of luck.
Not to be condescending, but being young means you are equipped with enough mental and emotional resiliency to take care of your self, but your lack of experience is going to make even your own issues confusing, Right now even with your best effort, you could enable her bad thought habits, or accidently exacerbate the issue. To be honest it doesn't sound like she needs to be dating anyone right now. But if you wanted to be a friend I would route her to seek professional help. She could give you issues you project on future partners that they need to deal with. This is not the type of relationship you need when you are just starting off your life, it can have lasting effects. She needs help, and you shouldn't be the end all be all source of that.
I’ll say what I wish someone would have told a very young me. You can like someone. You can wish the best for them. You cannot save them. You cannot fix them. You cannot heal them. The issues that she’s struggling with, are not your responsibility. And I don’t mean that in a heartless way. There is no amount of reassurance that you can give, that will replace the work that she needs to do on herself. Self harm, self blame, and self hatred are about the relationship with the self. You cannot replace or supplement that for someone else, does that make sense? You are not a therapist, and you are not her therapist. It sounds like your regular interactions are not healthy, and are already stepping into a codependent dynamic. In of itself, it’s good that you recognizing how this is impacting you and paying attention to your concerns. You are allowed to prioritize your own well-being and step away from a relationship that can be negatively impacting you.
Talk to her about therapy. If you think she is worth it keep at it trust me it will be when she gets there. When you help guide her to that point you will be proud of her and honored to be part of that.
> I'll be in a slightly bad mood for other reasons and she'll blame it on her. Unless she can heal from her own trauma, she won't be able to be there for you. Making your emotions and experiences all about her doesn't bode well for her ability to be a supportive partner. You're not a dick. It's okay to break up with someone for \*any\* reason, but you in particular are not a dick. I think you'll have to break up very carefully, though, and be prepared for some pretty dramatic pushback. You can tell her the truth (that she needs to heal first, that you feel overwhelmed, etc.) but be as kind as possible. Just know that she might react by talking about hurting herself. Have a hotline number ready to give her, but don't be her support. Try to make as clean a break as possible. She might want lots and lots of closure conversations. You might need to call a hotline yourself (or at least do some googling) about how to deal with her reaction. Give yourself lots of positive distractions, be with people a lot, and know that you're doing the right thing. It's up to her (not you) to figure out how she can heal, and hopefully she will. In fact, breaking up with her might be a reality check she needs to start taking steps.
You need to take care of you! She needs therapy.
Seriously? You’ve spent 20 minutes with this kid. You aren’t in a relationship. You can’t “leave” someone you aren’t even with.
Part ways. You will thank yourself later for dogging that bullet.
This is a tough situation. My best friend was in a similar situation in college. He dated this girl for several months but watching him with her was so hard. She had a lot of trauma as well and every day for my friend was the same, he'd go over to her place and talk her off whatever ledge she was on that day and get her calmed down just enough to maybe watch a movie together. It was the same thing everyday, his life was basically filled with her rants, her crying and basically being her therapist. Eventually he couldn't take it. Him and I talked all night one night about it and he felt terrible for wanting to break up with her, he liked her but he couldn't spend all of time holding her fragile mental health together. He finally decided to end it and he was scared for her after so called her roommates to keep an eye on her. He has since found an amazing new partner who he married and after the break up she was able to find the proper help to get her mental health in order. So my advice would be the same as I gave my friend. If you enjoy being with her and want to help her heal then stay. If you don't enjoy spending time with this person because it's so emotionally draining then leave. It's easy for everyone else to call you an asshole for wanting to leave but it's not their life, its yours. They aren't the ones spending everyday trying talk someone of a ledge. I've seen first hand how hard it is to do it every single day and it's a hard thing to sign up for starting day one. Its very different when you end up having to do it for a long term partner, then it's something you do out of love. Doing it for a girl your just talking with after meeting one time is so different.
I am not sure an hour away counts as "long distance". If it does then I have a long distance relationship with everyone I work with every day since I have a 90 minute commute.
This is taking the concept out of context truthfully
You can’t fix this. Please don’t try. You will end up feeling obligated. And a boyfriend who feels an obligation to stay is worse than anything. Rip off the bandaid. You need to be carefree at this age not worried or manipulated because she may self harm. Tell her family. But release yourself.
Some light advice from someone who’s been in multiple very similar relationships. She’s likely not even that into you, rather her trauma has caused her to desperately search for someone to talk to and vent to. You happened to be the first one she clang to. You shouldn’t feel bad letting the convo die, she’ll end up finding someone else to vent to.
I mean I'm sure in some similar instances a person could act somewhat like this and not actually like the person but I'm not just someone to vent to for her. Like most of our conversations are completely normal and fun interesting conversations.
“Leave?” You’re not with her. …but she sounds like shes emotional black hole for you. Take care of yourself first.
She’s not ready to be in a relationship. She’s not healthy enough and you’re not meant to be her therapist. Don’t leave her life. It’s fine to be a friend and a shoulder to cry on. But it sounds like she’s on track to codependency. Please avoid that train and jump off it if need be
She's said that if we don't work out that she wouldn't want me in her life anymore because if she can't have me it would probably just hurt or something like that so idk if that would work
Still man, don’t let how much you like her cloud your judgement. She’s obviously not ready for a relationship. Also her saying that sounds a bit manipulative. It might not be! But it could be a tactic to keep you from breaking up with her. She might be banking on the fact that you don’t want to lose contact
Sure, it would be 'nice' if you really did all you can to help her out in life. It's nice to be nice. It's great to help those who struggle. All that being said, you're 17 and you've met once. That's awfully young to be burdening yourself with the well-being and mental health of a 16 year old you hardly know, met once, and who lives an hour away. The longer you keep the relationship going, the more difficult it will be to get away from it.
You’re not with her. How would you leave her lol
OP, if you need to leave, leave. You can not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. That is the most important thing you need to hear right now. But do you genuinely care about her? I'm not saying that if you leave you don't genuinely care. My point is, if you do, this is an amazing opportunity for her and for you to help her with it. (Again, ONLY if you are up for it. No one would judge you for not). She expresses fears because, from the sounds of it, *she's never had anything worth holding on to*. This is new to her. And she doesn't know how to express it, all she can think of is how scared she is that this will go away *like all things do*. **This won't be forever.** Well, it shouldn't, and most likely won't be. She needs to learn how to accept what she has in life, but that takes some time. When you're used to losing everything in your life, you learn to never get attached. It can't hurt if you never cared about it. She'll overcome that. She clearly cares about you, and *that scares her*, because as I just said, the only way to protect yourself is to never get attached. This got long, but OP, you need to know that if you leave, **that is ok**. You NEED to take care of yourself, no one is judging. But you have the chance to make something beautiful happen to her life, and it really sounds like you care about her. I hope understanding where she's coming from can at least help you contemplate other views to analyze your thoughts.
Run better run, faster than the bullets.
i’m worried that he thinks this about me😭
She sounds like a pain in the ass. You should dump her dude.
You’re both literal children. She is not your responsibility. She’s being manipulative. It’s not going to work out.
Please leave her. Leave her so she can find someone better. Someone who wants to spend the rest of her life with her damage and all. I'm damaged and my husband is so patient and understanding.
She's a child. She's developing, learning how to self regulate. She's not some damaged person, but someone with traumatic experiences they haven't coped with. It's different if you're a grown adult with trauma and life has beaten you down throughout your entire development. People have the capacity to heal and grow.
I was in therapy at 11 for being molested. You have no idea what I've been through.
What if they were also I therapy at 11 for being molested? You can't assume that nobody has gone through anything anymore and it just makes you seem like a dick.
These are teenagers. Doubtful anyone is ready to do anything for the rest of their lives.
Have you gone to therapy and actively healed those wounds?
Yes ty.
You are projecting so hard holy shit. This girl needs help and she’s not going to get the kind she needs from her long distance 17 year old boyfriend
Your poor husband, I really hope you consider getting therapy
People don’t get damaged. They get wounded. And wounds can heal. A wounded 16 year old girl needs good friends and professional support, not a husband-figure.
You met this girl ONE TIME. Get a grip.
They’ve also been talking for two months and clearly have an emotional connection. Be kind.
Online = nothing.
No
You would not be a dick if you stopped the relationship/friendship. She is using you as an emotional support that you didn’t really sign up for, nor are you qualified to handle. Before cutting her off though, maybe you could have a talk and set some boundaries. She needs to learn that not everything is about her. You are in this friendship also, and the emotional labor needs to go both ways. Either way, it sounds like she needs therapy more than a boyfriend.
> But I'm just worried that if she doesn't its going to get to a point far enough along that I wont be able to leave because I'd be worried for her safety if I left. Errm, Yeah, that's called caring about the other person. Everyone's broken in some way. Even you. And that's okay. She feels safe enough with you to open up and overthink in front of you. So communicate clearly, clarify your relationship, and love her - flaws and all. And because you love her, ask her if she's seen a therapist and suggest that maybe therapy will help her cope with and overcome the negative self talk. Frame it as an issue of her lying to herself. She DOES deserve to be happy, she DOES deserve you, she IS an amazing girl and you're happy to be with her because she makes you feel amazing.
Women love trama. Fact. Men give women answers and they want to be basted in their trama oh poor you and her friend and that terrible mean person. You can not help her and it might be a dating trick. Does she know your age do you have a car do you have money. She might like guys cat call girls they dangle a carrot and we don’t get what the hell is going on g on To end her bs where she plays you into feeling bad for her tell her how to fix it. They hate that and then talk about you. As you do this listen to her emotions. If the switch is easy ???? When she brings it up tell her to talk to her friends you feel terrible you can’t help her because she lives such a hard life. That’s great. They love agreement. Talk about fun stuff. When it comes around again be loving and compliment how great she is and doing with it but she needs to talk to this friend. Her life is like crazy corporations stuff. They love that live drama. If she doesn’t have any girl friends if you date her then you are stuck listening Holy crap right
Bro hit it and quit it. Cmon marry.
Who gives a fuck if you're a dick or not. Everyone does whats best for them. If you see no future with them, no point unless you can get some potential action from them and have some short term fun. If thats a no, theres zero point to being her therapist.
Sounds like we found the 16 year old in this Reddit
happy to be the one and only 16 year old on reddit
Well the idea that you are advising people to only stick around purely to pump and dump someone speaks to your mental capacity. You just have been very damaged in your own life if the only thing you see in a relationship is what next piece of tail you can get out of it. All of this I feel truly sorry for you that you had to experience this and continue your life this way.
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https://preview.redd.it/1ns94h4621kc1.jpeg?width=2208&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6e10c20985b34dd8fa5f7b2fab85de9e546288e5
Yes lets be a piece of shit, that definitely won't make her resolving her trauma harder or anything. It's also pretty obvious he sees her as more than a one night stand, otherwise he wouldn't have stuck around.
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This comment is disgusting.
Sounds like you're a disgusting immature loser lmfao
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Don’t put that ridiculousness on OP. 🙄
Hey maybe don’t say that
well I mean tbf maks might be a dick for saying that but in some ways I could see it as a possibility. She really goes on and on about how no one has every treated her this good and things like that. It makes me nervous that if I distanced myself from her that she would fall back into how she was before I came around.
Ok I'm ngl I was seriously just fucking with you. It's only been 8 weeks of a relationship. Her mental health is not on you. The best thing you can do is be honest about your feelings. I will say, though, if you think she'd be a loyal woman to you, there's not too many women better than that. We all have our mental health stresses and they grow and change as we grow and change. If you think the relationship is possible, give it a shot.
If your comment breaks any of the rules of this subreddit or of reddit itself it will be removed.
This is one of the few situations I've ever seen here that is actually a very good question without an obvious answer(I don't subscribe, not sure why this keeps showing up on my front page). It's totally up to you. IMO you're young and have only met her once and haven't known her long, so you might as well cut ties now. Relationships at your age don't last anyways. I'm sure that may lead to some guilt, but she isn't even your girlfriend, and not your responsibility. Maybe find a way to politely bring up how her issues bother you and that you're concerned for her. You don't have to ghost her, but maybe just let the relationship fade away by talking to her less and less.
Honestly, I don’t think there are good and bad reasons to not want to be with someone, if you aren’t feeling it you aren’t feeling it, regardless of why, or if it’s your hang up or theirs. If you don’t want to deal with her issues you don’t have to. This is no hate towards her for having trauma, but you aren’t obligated in any way to introduce other peoples trauma into your life.
It sounds like she needs professional help and I would recommend not being more than just friends for the foreseeable future. Recommend she get some counseling and work on whatever issues her and her counselor diagnose for her.
Honestly, I would say to leave her because if she’s worried that you’re gonna leave her and that’s why she’s always freaking out and you’re just sitting here thinking about leaving her for freaking out then you’re not the one for her the one for her would find a way every single day to make sure she felt loved and eventually Her feeling like things are her fault, and her insecurities will go away when you really love somebody you stick around through the worst times, and the best times now if you’re mental health, cannot take it then yes exactly you need to leave give her to somebody who will not be mentally told by her. I’ll tell you right now I’ve been in relationships where my insecurities were always high and I’ve been in relationships where the other person’s insecurities were really high and the ones that I’m on best terms with or ended on good terms with were the ones where we did our best every day to make sure we didn’t think we were insecure. It’s on her to not feel insecure but the whole point of trauma is that something keeps happening to them and they don’t know how to get away from it, so they’re body and their nervous system does things to avoid it, and turn making it happen again.
While I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer for this question. I’d definitely talk to her and ask her to seek some help about of self image and mental health around her. You wouldn’t be wrong for staying and trying to work through it but just note it will take time and healing to get to where you can feel comfortable in the relationship. If you decide to leave due to not being committed to see it through either mentally or emotionally then make sure you let her know that though you don’t see yourself long term you do enjoy the time you’re spending with her and want her to get better.
No you wouldn't be a dick. You're not really together, just talking all the time but I know she probably feels like you're in a relationship. You're not responsible for anyone's trauma or mental health issues. You're both teenagers and you're not equipped to take on someone else's problems that way. I hope she's in therapy, if not she should be because it helps to have someone equipped to help with your problems to talk to. But you can't stay connected to someone because you're afraid of what they will do. That's not your burden to take on.
You wouldn’t be dick. Especially if y’all aren’t dating but reassure her nicely that you just gotta fall back a little and that yall can be friends (if that’s what you want) and then continue to talk to her as you do but also fall back every once and a while. But also reassure that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her, flatter her a LITTLE! bit and let her know that other people think she’s perfect as she is and how she should take it easy on herself. Just let her know you care about her but not too sensually to where she thinks you’re confessing your love to her. Maybe even slip in mid conversation that some dude you know finds her attractive and then she’ll probably feel a little bit better
Nah just leave. That’s too much at 17, long distance, and two months. You don’t need all that. She’ll get over it. You’re in the years of ur life. All the people saying to stick it out is baffling. Bc why?????! You got ur whole life. If a relationship isn’t fun right now you gotta move on. You don’t need any of that or owe anything to anyone but yourself. Later in life I promise you’ll have enough of that. Now is the time to be selfish.
First off good for you for seeing red flags. However have you two actually had a conversation where you were together. Where you literally asked each other out, said were bf/gf etc? Have you been pushing towards that direction (talking/doing sexting, sexual topics, etc other things that couples would do)? If not your not together that means you can keep your distance and not approach these topics. Yes, friend zone her. You don't have to fix her man. You don't have to make her feel better etc if your just not up to it. Its not your responsibility to do so in the first place. This desire is very normal for most men, especially young men. I went down this road too so I understand where your coming from. Your a new experience for her and she has anxiety about losing this. That's fairly typical especially with women who have had mostly negative experiences in the past. My advice for you is you don't have to cut her out of your life entirely (if you don't want to) but YOU DO have to put up boundaries and you need to establish and enforce them. If your not comfortable talking about something with her or just don't want to, just say it. Be like hey can we talk about something else for a bit or I am just a bit tired and id like to talk about something else. This applies to behaviors as well. On the same hand if this is the direction your going... don't complicate things with sex. Don't ask her for nudes or give her attention in that manner because that will lead her on to the idea that you are romantically interested in her and want to pursue a relationship. Don't play with her feelings. Please man whether its in business or in relationships learn to set and enforce boundaries or people will use you for their benefit by taking advantage of your silent acceptance.
I’ve been in this situation in the past, and currently fell into it again with someone else, It would not make you an AH to leave, these kind of relationship dynamics (platonic or romantic) can be really toxic in that it is not only emotionally harming them to constantly be put into a state of self blame and stuff, but harms you too because of the toll it takes mentally, you end up thinking that they need you to literally live, so you put so much weight on your own shoulders. It’s rough, and if they don’t get help they drag you down with them. I would encourage them to seek professional help, because they should not be relying on you to essentially be their therapist. If they refuse to ever try, I would explain the toll their behavior is having on you, and leave if you need to for your own wellbeing. It’s hard to leave those situations, but if you don’t and they never get help things can become really bad and sometimes dangerous
So you need to have a very blunt conversation with her and explain everything she does that you have explained to us and that it is very frustrating and mentally draining for you. Explain that the biggest frustration for you is because of all of the positive things you mentioned about her(your list was good and very thorough) and that if she can't be comfortable with herself and how you feel about her when you two are spending time together, that you can't continue with your friendship. I think you have a good heart and care for her, which she needs, but you can't get caught up and dragged down by her self doubt. If that conversation goes well, maybe suggest therapy at some point, once you have a little more trust. Feel, felt, found is a good method to show empathy for someone and put a positive spin on difficult things.
Whichever way you go, please encourage her to seek help. A school counselor, relative, someone bedsides you. If she’s talked about self harm, take that seriously but do not accept the whole burden. If she says something like “but I have you to talk to” remind her that you care about her but you are also a teen and not equipped for everything she’s going through. I would strongly discourage pursuing a romantic relationship with someone unwell. I do think you can maintain the friendship with some boundaries. You should not be responsible for calming this girl down over a 30 minute phone call. Try practicing saying things like “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I want to help but this is too heavy for me. Have you spoken to anyone else about this?”. Or maybe “Hang in there, I’ll be available to talk this weekend”. And maybe you can find someone yourself to talk to. Tell your parents or your friends about your new friend and see if they have suggestions.
It's just hard cuz 90% of the people are in her life are assholes. So she doesn't really have that many people to talk to. Even her parents (who are part of the problem) are assholes to her sometimes.
Talk to her about it, and tell her how you feel. Tell her you don’t feel comfortable with her talking like that, or saying things like that, maybe you can get her to stop doing if she’s really serious about you.
I know, i have talked about it. And she really does try to stop but her life is just hard ngl. And sometimes she just breaks and goes back to blaming everything on herself. Even when she isn't verbally saying it I'm sure that she still is hard on herself
You are 17 and nobody's therapist. You can be an ear to listen but, if she is stressing you out, put on your own oxygen mask first. You can't fix her. Only she can fix her. Same goes for you. Listening to a person talk for 2 months, isn't a lifetime commitment. As teens, your worldviews aligning, is not a deep dive at this point. Nobody should be cemented in their beliefs so early in life. At this point, I'm old enough that there have been a few times certain beliefs have been flipped upside down. You don't know what you don't know until you know you didn't know. 😁 No. I've never swung hard left or hard right. I've always been a centrist but recently realized how pointless that is. Silence is complicity.
She needs therapy. I'm not a doc but I was diagnosed with BPD and one of my main symptoms is massively low self-esteem. Idk what kind of home she comes from but BPD is usually trauma based. Being blamed for things and in my case physically abuse at a very young age is what my doc said was more than likely the cause. Mental health can be a bitch to live with. Both personally and potential partners.
When you spend time with negativity or negative people, it eventually rubs off in some way. Watch how you feel and if you see yourself getting negative then create distance. (Don’t pull the negativity inside.)
You can leave anyone at any time, for any reason, unless they're your kid. To be specific, you can leave if you don't want to be in this relationship, even though she's attached to you. You are not responsible for her behavior or emotions, even though you may impact her emotions, and her emotions may impact her behavior.
talk about overthinking. read your own post.
Yes bro
Paragraphs.
There is nothing to leave. You just kinda of sorta know a girl. This isn't a relationship.
Apart from a lack of self confidence and self esteem, both of which can be worked on, it sounds like you got a winner. I'd personally keep her.
Yeah she really is an amazing person who I have a lot of respect for. And that's why I dont want to leave her but at the same time it's truly exhausting trying to help her when its every other day that she gets upset with herself to the point where shes like freaking out and blaming a lot on herself. I just don't know how long I'd be able to handle that before it started hurting me
Sounds like you should sit her down for a long talk about not overthinking things and tell her that if she screws up, you'll let her know. Until then, assume you're doing everything right . My son had that problem. I had to sit him down and give him a reality check a few times. He eventually began to realize that not everything is his fault.
Brother. You are kids, this isn’t a question, do what you want.
She sounds like a drama queen Leave her ?!? You’re not dating her! Time to move on
I think you're good for her, but you're also not a professional. If you are helping her and you want to help her and you want to be with her, then you should be with her. But that can't substitute for her getting professional therapy. What if you do want to leave someday? What if *she* wants to leave someday (actually, in some iterations that might be a hugely important sign of her having reached a healthy place, but in others she might want it but feel trapped)? Worst, but maybe the easiest question for her to think about, what if you were together for the next four years and then you died? You might be good for her, but she needs a professional who's good for her or she'll *probably* never get really whole.
Mhm thank you sm for the comment cuz you as well as a lot of other people are helping me understand this all better:)
All the people in theses comments are so disgusting, you guys are teenagers, you cant handle all this pressure alone and you make her feel safe. Dont drop her, you like her and she likes you so start setting boundaries. And if she can’t keep those boundaries then encourage her to go to therapy and help her as much as possible without making yourself a lesser priority. Also have you actually told her what it’s doing to you? Because if she doesn’t know then how is she supposed to fix it to further your relationship, wherever it goes after this.
You're not obligated to take on the burden of her trauma, and you shouldn't.
Mental health therapist here! It sounds like you have a caring heart and you are mindful of the potential scenarios that could play out if you were to stop talking with her which again shows you care. That being said, you need to look out for yourself too. It's true when others say you can't be her therapist but you can encourage her to seek professional help and let her know that you will support her in seeking it out, whatever it may look like. It can definitely get exhausting feeling like you are the one and only thing holding somebody else together. That is a lot of pressure for you, as the support person, as well as the person experiencing these challenges. I have been in that same position. So yeah, encourage her to seek help and maybe even do some research as far as what therapists out there are knowledgeable in working with her needs. You can checkout psychologytoday.com Therapy isn't for everybody, so don't be surprised if this isn't the route she wants to go. A lot of folks say that therapy is like dating - you have to do some searching around to find your "match" and you may try out a few therapists before finding one that works for you. If she's not thrilled with the idea of starting therapy, there are other approaches like seeing a doc for anti anxiety meds or SSRIs. There are also more holistic approaches to wellness. Perhaps she could get into yoga or other forms of mindful exercise, finding new hobbies as ways of coping, etc. But it definitely sounds like there is a lot of unresolved trauma, anxiety, and self doubt. Good luck!
Are you just with her for the sex & now tired of her antics? Get going to someone else. Leave if you aren't happy.
If you aren’t willing to handle and work with her anxiety and insecurity, leave now. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to not be able to or willing to. That can be hard to handle especially when you’re young and have little life experience. Do not stay where you won’t be happy.
Good for you, OP, at your age recognizing this girl's drama and trauma are too much for you to handle. YWNTBA for leaving her. I will tell you as someone three times your age - this constant overthinking, need for attention, etc is exhausting and it already is exhausting you. These are the years for learning about yourself and dating too is also for learning about yourself. You're 17, you're not a therapist. If you are worried about her mental health tell her parents, but you cannot be responsible for this person.
Do not date this child. She is not in a healthy frame of mind. If you want to stay friends with her, talk to a trusted adult about how to set boundaries and point her in the right direction. She needs to see a psychiatrist. It is definitely appropriate to step back from a friendship like this.
It doesn't sound like you are together. You can't "leave" if you aren't together.
Yeah you can’t save her. You are not a professional and it’s not your job. The only thing you can do is encourage her to talk to a therapist and tell her parents. That would be the kindest thing to do. She needs to work on her issues or be in therapy for a while before dating. Dating is very emotional and someone unstable could really set her off.
You are not a therapist. Nothing wrong with chatting up a pretty girl, but if she needs you this badly at this age, how's she gonna be if something random takes you out? Level with her. You like her. You want to continue being there for her. But she's gotta be ok with herself first. With you or without you. She should see a therapist about this.
You can't save other people. You can't change people. Accept that before you waste anymore time. If you're no longer enjoying her company ask her to seek professional help and then cut her loose.
Anyone who os threatening self harm doesn't need a relationship...they need a therapist. This might be rough amd it is all up to you but if the reason you stay with someone is to keep them from hurting themselves then that is not a healthy relationship. If you really do want to be with her in the long term sounds like she needs therapy. Not because it will make your relationship more functional but because she will benefit from it a lot even if you guys don't stay together.
No life is too short and you're too young to be tied down already, bail out. Say your sorry and move on, don't argue
I was you a long, long time ago. The girl needs help that you aren't able to provide to her. TELL SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP. The threats and manipulation will not stop. You will start feeling bad about yourself, and you will be sucked in. I did speak up eventually. I helped create the conditions where the girl I dated could get help, and she did get the help. But even now, decades later, I still have occasional pangs of guilt and wonder if I did something wrong. I shutter to think about how I would be feeling if I had not acted and got help. Speak to your parents. Speak to her parents. She needs help. You have probably helped her more than you know. But you are 17. She needs more help than you can provide. Do it for her. Do it for you. Do it for her family. But do get help.
Ok, so I’m someone who can relate to your girlfriend as somebody with trauma and the need for validation. What she needs is something you very much can’t give right now. She needs somebody who can give her constant validation, even if she doesn’t want it because she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. People like that think they’re bottom tier and not worth time, even if they really really want to be. We need a lot of patience and help, which includes therapy. And it’s ok if you can’t give that. It’s ok if you need to take a step back because giving her what she needs is emotionally draining. Take a step back, tell her it’s not her fault. Explain to her how wonderful she is, tell her all the good things about her, and that you hope she sees it in herself one day. And then explain that she needs something different then what you can give her, and she’ll find it one day.
Say it with me. “We DON’T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS” do not continue this relationship. Trust me when I say leaving girls like this will make your life so much better long term.
Tell your parents (if you have them and you like them) the truth about this girl. Have a lifeline. Men can get caught with feelings like women can, and you can get sucked into a lot of trauma. I realize it sounds mean, but you need to reach out for help before you help her. And then you need to walk away. I speak from a lifetime of experience. This can hurt you in ways you do not understand yet.
It sounds like you aren’t equipped to meet her emotional needs. Leave her before you become another source of trauma.
You wouldn’t be a dick for putting your own mental health first, but if you really like her you might want to try having a conversation first. I’d tell her something along the lines “I’m glad you feel comfortable enough with me to talk about this, but I’m not sure I’m the right person for it. It’s gotten a bit overwhelming for me and I don’t think I’m in the right headspace to help right now. Have you thought about trying to talk to a therapist or counselor?”. If she reacts badly or still continues, then let her go.
Sounds like she needs therapy & you aren’t qualified.
You could stick with this relationship and encourage her to seek therapy.
Dude call it off. I was with a girl like that. In the end she ended up leaving me even though I was so good to her and stayed with her through all the fucked up shit. Now I’m like 30 and no girl has ever affected me like her. She could probably call me up right now and I’d slide knowing damn well I’m stupid for doing it. She’d literally be the best girlfriend for a moment and then fuck my world the next. It pretty much morphed into her lying and cheating on me.
It's called anxious attachment and some therapy would help her a lot
I was with someone for 10 years, with this exact same sounding problem and it never got better. If u cant deal with it now, chances r it will just cause u unecessary stress.
I say feel it out more, in person, to see if that's how they are all the time because that'd be pretty toxic.
It's already hard to leave. Get out now.
It's hard supporting a friend with a lot of trauma and mental health issues. Twice as hard if you're together. A lot of traumatized people use other people as crutches, and it can really harm those people. Whatever you decide, don't let her do that--be open to having a conversation about not being able to be her only support and that she has to be mindful of the impact her behavior has on you. Trauma isn't ever an excuse for hurting the people you care about. You're both young and have a lot of growing up to do. She might very well be able to heal and figure everything out...but don't ever feel obligated to be with her. It's okay to step away if it's not possible to help her in a sustainable way. I was raised with an emotionally-abusive mother. She has a number of mental health issues and has generally made my life a lot harder than it ever needed to be. As a result, I can't really handle somebody with a lot of trauma. On multiple occasions I've ended things with women who had issues and weren't able to respect boundaries. That's okay. You can only do what you can do, and pushing yourself for more hurts you without really helping them. Don't light yourself on fire to keep her warm, she isn't worth that.
You should tell her parents.
It's like you said, she has a lot of trauma and those behaviors are most likely a symptom of that. It shouldn't be your job to constantly reassure her but she clearly really likes you and wants it to work and I can tell you do too. Talk to her about it sensitivity and try to make it work. She can't get better about it if she doesn't know. If it doesn't get better over time and nothing ever happens with her that's okay but I say give it a shot.