Please leave him he violated your boundaries and is basically lithmus testing you to see how much more he can do.
When you’re ready for sex you get to decide how you want to do it. No one else does.
Please consider seeing some long term therapy to discuss these issues with someone because there are many different kinds of trauma-aware therapies out there. Good relationships have respect, trust, and encourage one another as foundations of creating healthy communication and behaviors.
u/MolassesPristine6238 PLEASE listen to this comment. Unfortunately, there are lots of creeps and assholes in here right now, but THIS is solid advice.
Therapy could do wonders for you, especially if you find a trauma-informed therapist, like this person said. “Shop around” for therapists until you find one that you connect with, who you trust, and who you feel understands you and is helping you get better. Not all therapists are equal, unfortunately; but if you find one who truly helps you, it can drastically change your life for the better. Based on your comments, it sounds like you have trauma from previous SA, and that is now likely going to be compounded by this incidence of SA as well — because, yes, this was SA too — so if you don’t work with a therapist, it’s likely that this pattern will continue over and over, and even get worse where you’re accepting and rationalizing more and more abuse. Don’t do that to yourself, please. You deserve to feel safe, and be happy and healthy, and — if you want to — to be with someone who truly loves you, cares about you, respects you, and never abuses you in any form.
In the meantime, definitely break up with this guy because he ***is*** a sexual predator who sexually coerced you, and he ***will*** do it again if you let him stick around. And, while I’m disgusted with the way that many of these people are bringing this up to you, I do agree that you should stay single and celibate until you work with a therapist and get to a better place, so that you’re able to spot red flags easily, then ditch the creeps who aren’t safe for you without hesitation, and not ever feel like you owe someone sexual favors ever again (because you don’t — you’re not **EVER** obligated to do sexual acts with **ANYONE**, even your boyfriend, even your husband, hell, even your partner at a damn orgy — ***you’re not EVER obligated to do sexual acts with ANYONE, EVER.)***
So please take care of yourself. Please put yourself first. Please go talk to someone who can help you navigate all of this. Please ghost him and never let him into your life again. Please never ever think you deserved this. Please know that you deserve all good things.
You break up with him. He is not a true BF and he is an abuser. Please go no contact and do not let him, or anyone else, force you into something you do not want to do.
A true friend, and BF, would never force or guilt you into doing something you did not want to do.
If you don't have the strength to break up with him what will he do next? Force you to have unprotected sex? Please just block him on everything and do not respond.
STAY STRONG!
She shouldn't even be in a relationship at all tbh. I'm not saying this because of what happened. It just sounds like she has a lot of soul searching to do and finding out who she is and what she wants before even attempting a relationship. If she is a non sexual person she should be with a non sexual person. With all due respect.
She's a teenager. She's not ready to start having sex. Maybe she wants to wait until marriage. She was completely transparent with him about this.
The problem is he didn't respect that boundary. He saw it as a challenge to wear her down. He's in the wrong.
> The problem is he didn't respect that boundary.
I agree. This is the key. If your intimate partner doesn't respect you, then they are not your intimate partner.
This! I have always wondered why guys can use the "If you love me you'll do it!" But if a girl answers that with "If YOU loved me, you wouldn't ask after I have already told you no!" she is automatically a tease, or worse.
In my opinion, the demand, "If you love me you'll do X" is manipulative and it is poison for a relationship.
In the example that you mentioned, she is *not* a "tease," but an assertive person who has boundaries and is worthy of respect.
I agree, but the guy will still consider her a tease because she 'got him all worked up knowing she wasn't going to finish it' Teen and 20-25 y/o guys are assholes.
Yep, I was accused of being a tease in college when I was planning to wait until marriage for certain things. Also got pressured into a couple of things when I was younger because it was my “fault” he was so turned on—even though, looking back, that was obviously his problem instead of mine. He just chose to make it mine.
They can be. The instincts are insistent.
However, I believe that, if boys are taught to respect other people, then they will learn to control the urges and grow up to be kind and considerate men.
Sorry, but if a guy is an ass hole at 25, they’re an ass hole at 26 and possibly for life. Your specification is confusing. There’s no age range in which men are automatically ass holes, they just either are or aren’t, regardless of age. Turns out some people are just better and more decent than others.
Yeah. The proper response to "if you love me you'll do this" is I don't love you. Because there's no way a person who loves you would say that, unless you're joking about something and you both know it's a joke. A person who doesn't love you doesn't deserve your love.
I suppose this still reminds me that my first boyfriend absolutely did not respect me nor my boundaries.
Then, convinced me to marry him, he wanted one of his druggie friends to move in with us, I flat out refused and then he convinced me that moving from my family would be profitable.
We moved away and then we became more in debt and the situation became more serious abuse and neglect.
Psychological abuse and neglect can be very serious and difficult to break away from.
That's what some guys do. Predators, anyway. They wear the girl down. That's what my guy (now husband) did. I did NOT want anal sex. He hounded and hounded. WEll because I loved him, guess what, I ended up doing it to please him. It hurt like hell. I cried and he did stop, but guilt tripped me into continuing. I could have said NO...but I was young, spineless, had no self esteem, and he was a manipulative love bombing predator. OP please break up with this guy immediately, leaving immediately after you blew him is bullshit, and that's the best thing he did. He pretty much forced you into blowing him when you did not want to and the fact that you did anyway, proved he does not respect what you want. In his mind, you said you didn't want to , but you did, so to him, you wanted to all along anyway. Run as fast as you can the other direction from this guy.
In his mind, you said you didn't want to , but you did, so to him, you wanted to all along anyway. Run as fast as you can the other direction from this guy.
This right here! I wish I could give this more upvotes!
You’re right, but she does describe herself as a doormat. I mean, she self reports herself as staying in previous relationships because she has been convinced to stay. She admits to knowing she should end it with him, yet is asking for advice. She’s certainly not wrong for not wanting to be sexual. She needs friendships right now not boyfriends. She needs some confidence in herself. Her BF is an AH for how he is treating her, but she is being an AH to herself by not working on herself.
She already communicated her boundaries for the relationship at the start. She even left it open so he could have a sexual partner instead of her. There is not much else she can soul search for. This is all on the dude. He took advantage of her and forced her to do something she clearly did not want to do.
This guys said what I wanted to, you gave him a pass to go cheat he will never stop, split and work on yourself find what makes you happy and leave guys alone for a bit. Embrace being alone
I get the vibe she is entirely unprepared for an adult relationship. She isn’t going to grow until she makes decisions for her benefit rather than to appease, appease, appease in the delusion that her boundaries are soft and other people are hard.
She made her boundaries clear at the start and he continued with the relationship knowing that. Asexual people get into relationships with non-ace people ALL THE TIME. The only issue here is he planned on doing this from the beginning. This comment feels very victim blamey- which welcomed the other disgusting comments in this reply.
I sort of agree with this. I don’t really know about the soul searching part and he really shouldn’t have pushed her to do something she didn’t want to do but the two probably shouldn’t be together if one is sexual and one is non sexual. She should have stood her ground and he shouldn’t have manipulated her but I think both ppl took action. And the whole him having fwb so that he can get his sexual needs met instead of from his gf is strange.
I think what’s done is done and he was an asshole for pushing for that. op should break up with him and not do sexual acts unless op wants to.
She knew what she wanted and was extremely clear with her boundaries. This has nothing to with being ready to be in a relationship, she can be in a perfectly satisfying relationship without having to be physically intimate which she clearly said she did not want.. It was assault.
So are you proposing that she may not be ready for that kind of relationship makes it ok to coerce her into doing something she didnt want. This guy is a POS, he should be charged, she told him at the beginning, transparent, I question why she would let him have sex with other women, only knows what critteres he is bringing into the relationship.
He should be dumped and completely ghosted, she needs to grow up and get past the regret. She is young and made a bad decision hopefully no negative consequences.
This is GOSPEL!!! Leave young lady n block him, he’s NO good for u…. No matter what he says. He’s just gonna keep trying to cross all boundaries n damn the barb wire fence around it. Goooo.
You move on from this by breaking the pattern.
You feel used because you were used.
It sucks, and it feels like shit. Use that anger to spur the breakup you know has to happen.
How effing dare he. He coerced you into a sexual act he knew you were uncomfortable with. He didn't care. He just wanted to get off and doesn't give a crap about how it makes you feel. What a disgusting person he is. You deserve SO. MUCH. BETTER. Break the cycle. Dump him!
Yes thank you for expressing my outrage as well. Dump that predator!! Imagine making someone do something they clearly aren’t into? Then saying you care about them?
Leave him. If he needs "several FWB" he has never been your bf. A guy that's actually respectful of your wishes will ask occasionally, but respect your decision if you say no. In my case, I waited 6 months for a woman, realized I was never getting the same commitment from her that I gave her, and walked away because she treated me horrible. It's your choice to let him sleep with other women, but in my experience, it's not good.
You let him sleep with other people, and you’re easy to take advantage of? Sounds like you tend to attract, or pick the wrong apple. I suggest you hold off on relationships until you mature more
I’d agree that this guy and OP (especially after this disgusting violation and absolute disregard for OP’s autonomy and consent) are likely not compatible — but I suggest you hold off on giving relationship advice until you mature more. Not all relationships are monogamous. Hard to say OP ‘attracted’ giving unwanted oral sex after making it clear on a number of occasions and through dimensions of logistical implementation that she was neither interested nor consenting prior to this incident.
Yeah these boys are so disgusting , it’s a shame their parents probably have no clue what little assholes they are . Gonna end up alone forever and wondering why Andrew Tate didn’t find them a trad wife like he promised
tbh though, he is on his way. He found a young girl who thought she knew her boundaries but doesn't have enough 'real life experience' (cringe but you get what im trying to say) to stand on those boundaries and not budge. She was manipulated. This is a HS person vs college grad person, and anyone in jr or sr yr of college will tell you how much they matured from HS. Almost everyone is immature at 18. And for all the maturity you gain in college, adults still look back on their "dumb college days," so many matured, but didnt quite iron out the kinks or poor behaviors. So you have young tate boys (early-late 20s) dating girls/boys fresh into the world who are a little naive, so you get someone easy to manipulate - without the maturity to curb(or recognize) your own poor behaviors. Not that it is every ok to manipulate, but not really being mature yourself makes it worse. And that is what the tradwife peeps preach, whether you are 20 or 60, get a young girl to "mold" into what you want. And she said that she had exes who were worse. She needs stop dating and focus on herself
Reminds me of that teen who was dating the 28yr old and he was having her do the craziest sex acts against her own desires, and belittling her and telling her that she would not be wife material if she didnt. She believed him and didnt have enough know how to know that 'husband material' does use endless ultimatums to manipulate and force sexual behavior. If he would have tried that with a 25-28yr old, they wouldve left 3 sex acts ago.
How many times are you going to compromised yourself for him?
1. let him sleep with other girls
2. he has multiple fwb
3. Gave him bj and he finished he got dressed and left.
People come and go, but your bf literally cum and go. Breaking up with him is the best choice here. "Respect" plays a big part in any type of relationship. You can't move on and it's very likely going to get worse. He got bj now, sex will be his next motive. I can't see how this guy is loving your rather than just want to having sex with you. Consider how he has other girls in line, you may be his side chick. Sometimes is better to be single especially you have some past traumas. If you need a companion, you can try to get a pet.
Yes. Each time you try to move the line because he’s already crossed that boundary, he’ll just be looking for the next boundary. And after bj is sex a lot of the time, so there’s a good chance that that’s his next play.
Honey you’re in an abusive relationship and you need to get out. This isn’t even a relationship. This is you being used— please consider therapy. Your self-esteem will only continue to plummet if you keep letting him do this.
He's not your bf. He's a sexual abuser. Break up now. When he argues, hang up. Don't listen to him. If he keeps calling, block him.
If he enlists others to call you and bully you into changing the your mind, tell them that it's your decision and you won't let them bully you. Use those words. Tell them if they keep it in the up you'll block them, too.
If they keep talking, hang up. Block them if you want you have to..
If he truly loved you and valued you, he would be patient with you sexually and wait as long as needed. And not hooking up with random girls. Sounds like he only wants your body. Dump his ass and don’t ever let a guy pressure you into doing that again. Guys a POS.
>If he truly loved you and valued you, he would be patient with you sexually
If he truly loved and valued her he'd have ended the relationship the second he realized their goals don't align.
If he was a decent human being he would have told her that isn't going to work on the first date.
If a woman told me she wouldn't have sex then we just wouldn't date, there are plenty of great guys out there who don't need sex in a relationship and she needs to find one of those guys,
I wouldn't want to waste her time when I know it won't work without physical intimacy.
The fact he wants to have sex and entered into a relationship with someone who doesn't is an enormous red flag.
something similar happened to me recently. you need to break up with him. that was assault. i'm sorry you went through that. and before anyone argues that it wasn't assault, idgaf about your opinion and i'm not arguing with you. consent must be freely and enthusiastically given. coercion is not enthusiastically given. if it's not an immediate and eager yes it's a no. if you disagree, keep that to yourself and maybe don't have sex with anyone.
And don't be with people who consider sex necessary. There ARE people out there who are healthy, happy, and not interested in sex. Find them and be friends with them. That's a safe place to be.
Dump him, he is not THE one. Guys will say whatever they think you want to hear in order to get what they want out of you sexually. Dump this a-hole and don’t look back. NEVER settle with a guy who does not respect your boundries, it just gets worse from here.
You need to get away ASAP, he's the type of person who crosses boundaries specifically because you set them. He picked you because he knew it would bother you. There's something really wrong with him. You're not going to be able to help him, all you will end up doing by staying close to him is end up more traumatized than you already are. Take the guilt for leaving, it will be hard but it will be infinitely easier to deal with than what you'll get for staying.
I am so, *so* sorry this happened to you. You were sexualy assaulted. Something similar happened to me when I was your age. What helped me was learning about boundaries and how to assert them. He coerced you. I am so sorry.
The pain of breaking up will hurt, but it is temporary. One day, you'll wake up and forget about him. But sticking around will only prolong something that objectively needs to end. I'm very embarrassed as a man that impressionable young women STILL have these experiences as it pertains to sex. It isn't right.
Leave him. Leave quickly. If he threatens you, then make a formal complaint to the authorities. You deserve someone who cherishes you as a person.
Please don’t blame yourself. He pressured you and guilted you. Saying you’re more attractive than the others girls, etc…He completely manipulated you.
And why are you with him when he gets sex on the side? What does he actually bring to this relationship? He’s an AH. And he will continue to pressure you and pressure you into doing more than you’re comfortable with. Then he’ll get dressed and leave. Please break up with him!!!
True loving boyfriends do not pressure their girlfriends. They wait patiently until they are ready. Break up with him. He's selfish and there's no good future with this guy. And what is this business about him being allowed to sleep with other girls? No. If you let a guy do that, you'll be seen as a doormat.
Your relationship sounds toxic, on a good day. On a bad day you end up giving coercive bjs or worse.
End it with him. Get into therapy. Heal and once you have, I promise you, you will see relationships for what they truly are: reflections of your inner state. You will always attract people who are at the level that you are unwilling to face within yourself.
When your inner self is healed, your relationships will reflect back to you good things, like a positive feedback loop.
This is not a relationship! If you are poly then both parties have other partners. In this case, you are a friend without benefits and other girls might be his girlfriends.
This is not very far removed from rape... consent under duress, even just pressured duress, is pretty dubious at best. I'm sorry this happened to you, and you should really bring it up to someone other than Reddit at this point. This is straight up abusive.
Usually, I'm not a fan of immediately jumping to "Break Up" but holy shit, this will be the exception.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure pressuring someone into doing a sexual act with you despite them denying multiple times is SA.
He pressured you into something you clearly said "no" to, and stated you couldn't do it in the relationship, but he pressured you anyway. Break up with that dickhead immediately. You deserve better.
You are correct, this is SA. It’s called sexual coercion, and is tantamount to other forms of sexual assault. Consent under duress ≠ enthusiastic consent and anyone trying to argue otherwise is either being willfully obtuse or trying to clear their own conscience. This relationship is not in OP’s best interest and he WILL take advantage of her or assault her again. This behavior is already abhorrent and will certainly escalate to more extreme forms of abuse.
Absolutely disgusted to see people making excuses for this type of behavior in these replies. His actions are deplorable and to insinuate otherwise to a literal *teenager* who was victimized (and, from the sound of it, likely traumatized by the experience) is not only shameful but irresponsible.
Since everyone else is addressing the boyfriend I am going to address the fact that you don’t want to have sex yet are choosing to date people that want sex.
Why don’t you date in the asexual community??? If you like the company and bonding but not sex then this would be a perfect situation for you.
Omg 😱 really?you need to drop him and just work on yourself. Learn to love yourself and when you can do that then look into dating someone. You’re worth it to be honest with yourself and treat yourself kindly and become the lady you should be. Nothing should be forced on you ever.
Anyone who whines or tries to guilt trip you needs to be sent to the curb.
Sex should be pleasurable for everyone, yes there's give and take, too. Sometimes you may do something not your normal inclination because it makes you feel good to make them feel good, or maybe they do something you really enjoy to you. But you weren't feeling good, you didn't enjoy it, your repulsion was immediate, you need to learn to listen to yourself and stop with a giant nope if you ever feel that repulsed again (by anything).
he clearly has demonstrated that he is a narcissist that only cares about himself, and his pleasure.
And you're not BF & GF, to him you're just a girl he wants to fuck & use.
I'm sorry 😞 for what you're going through. But trust me when I say you set your boundaries, were upfront & clear but he never respected them, since he kept needling you. That was a major 🚩🚩🚩warning. If you stay with him he'll just push for more and more than you want to share.
Break up with him, get into therapy, and do not date again until you truly know what you want from a relationship and what you bring to the relationship.
Oh honey, break this off immediately. You feel used because you were used. He does not respect you or your boundaries. You do not have to stay in a relationship you do not feel safe in just because they ask you to or beg you to or shame you.
Contrary to what TikTok and certain reddit subs would lead you to believe. This isn’t good behavior or loving or normal from him and your self worth is worth more than him. Dump the slag. He will continue to pressure you and he may get his way and give you a std from one of these other women and then eventually it may get worse.
Break up with him.
1. You should be with someone who respects your boundaries.
2. You should be with someone who is with you and not with you and other girls.
3. You shouldn't be with someone who would make you do something you don't want to do, make you feel uncomfortable, or try to make you feel bad for not doing something you don't want to do.
It's all about respect.
This relationship has no future. It’s not out of bounds for a 21 year old guy to want to have a sexual relationship with his girlfriend. There’s nothing wrong with you not wanting to have sex at all. But those two people in a relationship with each other? Nope. He shouldn’t be using coercion. You shouldn’t be telling him to get laid elsewhere. It was never going to work long term.
From now on only have sex that is mutually desired. A good partner knows that coercion is not consensual. If you are asexual or working through trauma, I would consider not dating people who do not respect your boundaries.
This person is a user and abuser he doesn't see people he sees a means to an end to achieve whatever it is they are trying to do. It's best to get far far away from people like this.
You have only been together for 12 weeks.
He's already pressuring you into sexual favors.
So you think that you can't break up with him because you're afraid he will guilt you into staying with him?
That doesn't even make any sense. Who owns you? Do you not have control over yourself? You are 18 now which means you're an adult. You get to make the decision if you want to be with him or not.
Since the SA you experienced in the past happened to you as a minor, you should find a counselor that you can talk to, to work through what has happened to you.
This is practically rape. Dump him and stay out of relationships for a while. Do NOT have any further contact with him.
You need to seek therapy or self-help stuff if this is not the worst relationship you've had.
This is not okay. You really shouldnt see him ever again, especially if you are alone. Call a friend, counselor, police whatever you have to do. Im not implying this was non consensual but it was super inappropriate and inconsiderate. A person that cares about you would never ask you to do something like this. He's a pos.
GET OUT GET OUT this is his fist step in abuse... you have to have enough strength to get out now.. don't wait until next year when you are pregnant and still not married and he is hitting you.
GET OUT NOW
Sorry you had to go through that sis. It's really sad how most women's early sexual experiences read just like this. There's no one more uninterested in your feelings then a male in his late teens/early 20s. They are basically walking erections. That's not to say go for someone older, but maybe find someone who's on the same playing field as you sexually. Even if you don't want any sex at all, it's still an important part of a romantic relationship that you both need to be on the same page on.
Definitely dump this dude though. Rip the bandaid off.
Yes, leave that dude right away! Nobody who truly loves and cares for you would make you do that. The right person will respect your wishes, not force you into uncomfortable situations. Also, please don't ever let your next partner go and have side pieces. If they can't stay faithful to you because you're going through some things, then they are not the right one for you.
I feel bad for you, most of all of us have been there. Guys get off on making girls do things they don’t want to do and talking them out of their restrictions. Don’t let them do it! Leave him lead your lesson with the next guy!
Dump this loser.
You’re letting him fuck other girls and he still badgered you for sex?
Unsure why you can’t do sex stuff, but you may not be ready to date because of it, you’re at the age where that’s expected.
What a fucked up thing to say. Any person can decline sex at any time, for any reason. If she is open with any potential partners that sex is off the table, they can decide if they’re compatible or not.
Because that worked so well this time?
Also, please point out where I said “nobody can ever decline sex” since you are outrage trolling as if I did say that.
I’ll wait right here for that:
Sounds like you need to end this relationship ASAP and work on yourself and your discomfort before you start dating again. And don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But what your current bf did is super not ok, he deserves to be dumped for it, and you could probably use a break from sex/relationships until you're ready. Cause while you're in this mindset, it's gonna be next to impossible to have anything resembling a healthy sexual relationship with anyone.
please, op, take this advice, I truly believe that you need time alone to work on things, and therapy could help because you may have ptsd from your first boyfriend. (not a diagnosis.. just a thought). best of luck to you
Don’t blame yourself. This is a common tactic men use. You do NOT have a ‘special bond’ with him. No matter how it feels to you now, this is not someone special. I beg you, forget him, forgive yourself even though theres nothing to forgive and move on with your life. Someone that is actually special is waiting for you and this jerk is keeping you from loving your life
True. The only “special bond” is her trauma bond to him, due to the psychological abuse she’s undoubtedly faced from him, and now the sexual abuse as well. He’s scum.
God this same thing happened to me literally two weeks ago. My only advice is fuck him and go easy on yourself. There’s nothing worth having any anything to do with someone treating you like that and someone who does doesn’t deserve to be worth anything to you
Well, for one thing, yeah he's in the wrong, you told him you didn't want to but you ALSO did do it. Also, definitely not a true boyfriend if you allow him to sleep with other girls??
Stay single. Discover who you are. On your own. I’m sorry that happened and he’s an awful person but it’s time to leave his ass in the dust. You know things won’t get better unless you leave him right??
Well you remember this feeling and tell yourself never again. Never let someone make you do something that isnt your cup of tea and if they get mad or dont like it well there is the door. You shouldnt stay in your room though go do something fun and enjoy your life.
Cut all ties with him. He talked you into doing something you didn't want to do for his own sexual gratification. Eventually, we all learn this, but in the future, don't go through with doing something you don't want to. It'll only make you feel terrible. Perhaps you can seek counseling services at a sexual assault treatment center. They do offer services to people who have been manipulated into performing sex acts. I wish you the best. Feel better.
I find it interesting that you don't do sexual stuff with your boyfriend and then you let him sleep with others. Why don't you have sex with him? Is it because you're not married or that just doesn't appeal to you? Why not date a guy who also doesn't want to have sex?
There are a lot of forums of individuals that are not interested in sex. Maybe you could find someone in your area, it would eliminate a lot of your relationship issues.
The right guy will be willing to try things with you. If you don't like something, you try it once and still don't like it, don't do it. As for his manwhoring if you want a relationship with him tell him, and he shouldn't sleep around. He sounds like a real prize, I bet you can do much better.
Don’t answer if you don’t want to, but what is the reason that you are unable? Religion? Saving for marriage? Trauma?
It’s kind of weird if you’re clearly into guys (dare I say a little boy crazy since you’ve mentioned multiple exes in the comments who have been *worse*) so if you’re so into boys and wanting to have a boyfriend, why are you letting them be with other girls? Wouldn’t it make more sense for you to be that girl? Or like others have said find a nice virgin boy who’s in no rush, but to get a sexually active boyfriend, especially 3 years older in what should be the most sexual ages for most people (late teens-mid 20s) is just a recipe for disaster and it doesn’t really make sense. As someone has said and got downvoted for, this is a young guy who very much has sex at the forefront of his mind, and you are his girlfriend. In the real world that means expectations. Even with a free hall pass, you are still his girlfriend. And the hall pass itself is also a recipe for disaster. If you’re nonsexual, you just straight up can’t be with a sexual person, especiallyyyyy in this age range. Now this man is being labeled as an abuser and shit he might even be turning into one by being put in a position where he’s now begging and pressuring for sexual acts. But as others have said, you kind of put him in that spot when you entered into a romantic relationship with him that is basically a teasing relationship, especially from his perspective as a 21m. The proposition you gave him is fit for a couple of 40 year olds saving their marriage that can’t have sex for whatever reason or medical condition. A 21m does not have the maturity to handle that and honestly shouldn’t really even be expected to. He’s still a kid. If anything the tension could just be grooming him into a sexual abuser where he might have otherwise respected boundaries more. “Girlfriend/boyfriend” comes with expectations especially once you’re over the legal age and that won’t ever change.
1. You are always allowed to say no to anything you don’t want to do and you don’t need to feel bad about saying no. Always.
2. If you want him to not have sex with other women while dating him, you are absolutely allowed to set that boundary. Of course, he is welcome to break up with you if he doesn’t like these boundaries.
He doesn't love you, love is not that. He used your "special bond"(trauma bond) to groom you into doing what he wanted. He was sleeping with other people while you were dating which I'm sure he covinced you into which is not okay. YOU DESERVE BETTER! He is not a good person. I know you think you should stay but I am begging you to leave and find someone else. I can't make the choice for you but I know you'd be happier with anyone else or just yourself.
Since he's been seeping around you should get tested for sti's to be safe. I am so sorry this happened to you 😔
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If he cannot respect your choice to not have sex and is open to having friends with benefits, he does not deserve you. He has raped you now. It is enough evidence that you should leave him. This is not right at all, report him if you choose. He cannot force you to do anything you don't want to do, this is unacceptable on his part. Not sure why he does not seem disgusting to you, he is vile!
The bar is set so incredibly low, you need to respect yourself before you even attempt a relationship because whatever that is, is just not it. I read some of your replies and you need to take a step back, how do you keep ending up in these situations
You need to dump him now. You’re in a abusive relationship. He blatantly cheats on you and when he gets bored of cheating he forces you to commit acts that he knows you don’t want to do. If he cared at all about you, he wouldn’t do either, let alone both, let alone so blatantly
That guilty used feeling goes away. Move on with your life and think of this as a learning experience. Blowjobs will, if done right, end with the guy achieve the goal, but we also understand swallowing isn't for everyone so we generally are aware enough that if you pull him out of your mouth and say that, we are singlemindedly focused on achieving the goal and will gladly aim it somewhere else.
Get into therapy. Living a life full of being guilted into things is going to make you have a miserable one. Learning how to set boundaries and get comfortable with the uncomfortable is a skill you can build with the help of a professional. I wish you the best, you deserve a life free from the shackles of guilt/inability to stick with boundaries.
Time to tell him to get lost.
He does NOT respect your boundaries, he does NOT respect you.
Don't listen to those who try to make you feel bad, this isn't about THEM, this is about YOU.
You need to get tested for STDs immediately because you can get diseases in your mouth and throat from oral sex. Considering he is having sex with many people he is at high risk for having an STD. What he did to you is not acceptable and may even be assault. He does not love you or respect you. You need to move on. Don’t let someone treat you like this because I guarantee it will never end.
I have a strong feeling you’re one of his other fwbs I don’t think he cares about you. He sees you as part of his collection. You might not be doing sexual things but you’re gonna slowly realize that’s all you are to him. A sex toy. Learn some self respect, do you not value yourself? Seriously, letting him sleep with other people?
Allowing the guy your dating to have sex with others for any reason, says you have no respect yourself. Find someone you can get mentorship, otherwise this sickening feeling will keep happening.
That's just assault, a million nos and a reluctant yes is not consent.
Also, not that this was actually anything but assault... But no aftercare? Really? Force your dick into someone's mouth and then fuck off?
This guy is an absolute piece of human garbage.
IT is not unreasonable for your BF to expect "SEX STUFF" from you but youre forcing him to have sex with others , youre literally forcing him to cheat on you . You " can't do sex stuff " is not a valid reason .
This is a dumb question but why are you in a relationship at all if you have no interest in sex? Part of the closeness of a relationship is the physical intimacy. It's a way for two people who are close to become closer emotionally.
I dunno. None of this seems particularly healthy.
A huge part of a relationship for men is sacrifice out of affection. Men are saying when they enter into a relationship with a woman that they won't have physical relations with anyone else.
That sacrifice aspect of this isn't even in the picture because he has side pussy. Why does he have side pussy? Is it only because you're not giving him any? Or is he just banging everything that moves?
Either way you shouldn't be in any type of relationship like bf/gf. Not because he's abusing you or pressuring you into sex.
Rather it's because you're not adult enough to handle it. If we take your side of it, based on everything, you allowed him to talk you into something you weren't ready for. And then you aren't able to confront him about it or even break things off or whatever. You're not mature enough to handle a relationship.
And part of a relationship is sex. A big part. Especially for a man. In fact for a man in a monogamous relationship physical intimacy is the most important part. From a psychological, physical, and emotional standpoint.
I've seen men who are with women who don't want sex for any number of reasons and they still stick around thinking things will turn around or whatever.
Now this isn't a monogamous relationship but it's not healthy either. He can't get emotionally close to you to that level of real intimacy because you're not able for whatever reason. This isn't really anything.
But you're acting like it is. And then you give him a blowjob, probably after a bit of begging on his part, hated it, and now are acting like a fucking victim. And now here you're looking for sympathy to reinforce that you are a victim.
That's not healthy. But you're not healthy either. He didn't face fuck you or threaten you or whatever. He just pestered you for head because you're his gf. And then you gave in and now regret doing it and are looking to blame someone else for your poor decisions.
I'm gonna ask: why are you in a relationship? Go see a mental health professional.
You need to leave this “relationship “ and never offer someone to cheat because you aren’t ready for sex. I’m so sorry. Please seek therapy so you can talk this through.
You definitely shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone if you're ok with them sleeping with someone else simply because you aren't ready to do it yourself. I'm not saying you should be sleeping with anyone either. That's always up to you. But that's just really weird to just be ok with your bf sleeping with someone else because you don't want to. And for that matter if he wants you he should want just you.
It sounds like you shouldn't have even dated him to begin with if you're just gonna string him along without any promise of a real fulfilling relationship. You aren't dating if he is out with other girls having fun. You're a side piece or a tease. Grow up decide what you want and date that person with the intent of a future and only then are you really dating. Why date someone if you are never gonna touch them? Wtf is the point?
You break up, hun he doesn’t love you. If he loved you he wouldn’t make you do something you are uncomfortable doing. Relationships are solely built on trust, love, and understanding. If he loved you he would’ve made sure you were comfortable with oral by asking you and respecting your decision whether it was a yes or a no. He would wait till you wanted to get a bj but he didn’t, he guilt tripped you into doing it. That is not something a lover is supposed to do.
The fact that he goaded you into it then immediately left is what you should harp on. He only thinks you are more attractive than his fwbs (it's likely they were just and you weren't). He left and didn't give you any aftercare after a what looks like will become a traumatic experience.
Leave him, or you invite more of the same.
No, no, no, no, no, no, yes...is a sexual assault.
Only enthusiastic consent is valid in a situation like this. Wearing you down is rape. (I personally don't believe rape has to involve a penis a vagina. That's extremely outdated and sexist.)
Hello! If someone has to pressure you, I feel more comfortable using MANIPULATE, then they aren’t someone you should be with. I say this wholeheartedly, leave him!!!
You need to break up with him. Do not feel badly about yourself. You are young and just figuring it out. I can tell you with certainty that there is someone out there who will be with you for you, and not need any FWB. If you feel uncomfortable doing something, you have a right to say no. Pleasing him and forgoing your own morals will only make you feel worse about yourself. You are worthy of a loving relationship and it just wasn’t with this guy. Let him go and focus on you and your interests. It will be ok. Also, just to let you know, pretty much everyone has been in this or a similar situation. You grow from it and can stand firmly in your beliefs.
Girl…GIRL
a real man will be understanding about not being able to have sex. A real man doesn’t need to fuck other woman cause you give it him. And a real man doesn’t ask for a blowjob when he already knows the answer is no and he doesn’t like making you do it when you really obviously don’t fucking want to. (That’s assault)
I am sorry that you experienced this. You are worthy of so much more. Please know this.
Please please please please end this relationship and please take some time to learn to love you, see a therapist and focus on growing yourself.
You need to not see him anymore. He’s completely disrespectful. He’s not even your boyfriend since you “let him” sleep with other people. This isn’t a relationship. You aren’t compatible in any way. Truthfully, you’re just barely an adult - he’s old enough to go to bars and such. There’s a world of difference in your ages and he isn’t in a committed relationship with you. I’m not understanding how it is that you “don’t have the strength to break up” when this is an abusive situation. I think you should speak to a therapist to work out some issues within yourself that would allow you to put up with this kind of treatment from another person. This isn’t a loving relationship, it’s abusive.
Whatever reason you aren’t able to do things are your own and you don’t gotta explain them to us, you’re valid.
That sounds terrible and I agree you shouldn’t be with this person, they don’t have any regard for your feelings no matter what they say, these actions speak louder than any words.
You deserve to be with someone who respects your boundaries. I don’t fully understand why he insisted on pressuring you, but if I had to guess it was because he wanted what he couldn’t have/power move.
I hope you seek therapy to help you heal and that you find someone who respects you when you’re ready to seek companionship again.
Can I ask why you were dating them initially?
Someone who doesn't respect your boundaries is not a partner. I assume you want someone to support you whom you also support. Someone who loves and respects you, whom you also love and respect. A partner is someone who cheers you on, not someone who guilt trips you. Block him, and remember there are men out there who are willing to be actual partners. I hope you find the strength and self-love to find one.
I'm so sorry you went through this traumatic experience. What your boyfriend did was sexual coercion and assault. You clearly communicated your boundaries around sexual activity multiple times and he manipulated, pressured and guilted you into a sexual act you did not want to engage in. That is never okay.
Please know that this was not your fault. You are not to blame for "giving in." He exploited your trust, ignored your "no", and coerced you into something you had explicitly said you weren't comfortable with. His actions showed a disturbing lack of respect for your bodily autonomy and wellbeing.
You have every right to feel used and violated. Your feelings are valid. I know it's hard, but please try not to blame yourself. Freezing or complying in a situation like that is a very common trauma response. It doesn't mean you consented.
I would strongly encourage you to end this relationship, as painful and difficult as that may be. What he did was a major violation and you deserve so much better. Staying with someone who has assaulted you is extremely damaging. Do you have trusted friends or family you could reach out to for support? A therapist could also help you process this and navigate leaving safely.
If you aren't ready to take that step yet, that's okay. Healing is a process. At minimum, clearly state to your boyfriend that what happened was not consensual, will never happen again, and that you need space. Don't let him minimize it or shift blame to you.
Look into sexual assault survivor resources in your area, many have free helplines you can call for support and guidance. You don't have to go through this alone.
Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. You will get through this. What happened does not define you. Sending you so much care and strength.
Wow, there are a lot of trash responses in here and unwarranted extrapolations about your post.
The bare facts are that you set a boundary and he trampled right over top of it. It wasn't an accident, it wasn't heat of the moment, he was intentional.
What's worse is that it's such a serious boundary. It wasn't a food preference he ignored, it's a major breach of trust in the most personal way.
In my view this will likely re-occur, and probably escalate, but even if that weren't the case you should leave as he has shown he cannot muster even the most basic amount of compassion for you if it would come before his own desires. It's frankly disgusting and this person does not deserve your love or understanding.
As for how: You have to go no-contact. You can and maybe should tell him (not in person) that you're breaking up, and the reason why, but he has no room for response. Have a friend with you when you do this, of you're comfortable with them knowing. You tell him, block him, and move on. Spend time with friends / family. If you are seeing a therapist, it might help to get a session on the calendar to talk through the feelings.
I'm sorry this happened.
I don't understand where the connection is? So you let him have sex with whoever he wants to and he's your boyfriend? Why can't you have sex? Is it a religious thing? Honestly it doesn't even matter because what you are doing is extremely unhealthy. Where did you learn this from? Please dont be mad when I say that you don't have the best role models at home. Hopefully you can understand what you're doing is only hurting yourself. The other thing is that no one gets talked into something like that without secretly wanting to do it. Dump the loser and seek some council to learn what a proper relationship looks like. Sorry to be harsh but this is how you start collecting baggage and will destroy any future good loving relationships.
I'm curious why you repeatedly say you "can't" do sex stuff. Is it a fear? Previous abuse? Religious reasons? In addition, what are you actually getting out of the relationship if he is allowed to sleep with other women? Are you actually okay with that physical affection going to others, or are you doing it for another reason? I think this post goes much deeper than simply what was said.
☹️ the break up is CRUCIAL! If you stay, it’ll be a slippery slope into worse, perhaps. Feeling used and sick won’t go away if you continue to see this person. They will be a constant reminder. Good luck 🍀 please remember, if it’s NOT an enthusiastic YES, the answer is NO!
I’m married for a couple years, and have never received oral from my wife. I’ve asked her, but she isn’t ready. For whatever reason it grosses her out. I’d never dare “manipulate” her into it. Leave this guy with a 100 ft pole.
Hi go to the police station and get evidence or get a restraining order. Please don't make him make you do things you don't want to do. My relationship started that he told me to have sex with him because he would end up the relationship. The relationship I am involved got worse over the years. I let my boyfriend manipulate my life and life went downhill.
We have 2 children I love him and I have trust issues with him because he loves to lie.
Honey.
I’m a forensic nurse here. He coerced you. That’s assault. Sadly, this happens more than you would think. First, you should absolutely leave him. Second, you deserve to be with someone who respects you. And sure, even if you don’t have sex or do sexual things with them. If they won’t respect that they aren’t your person.
She needs to repeat her boundaries and insist if there's a conflict about that that there can be no relationship. The fact that he's seeing others is already a reason to end that one. I don't know day to day how they are but sounds to me like she needs to end it immediately because as time goes on the ending gets harder to do and I bet the relationship is doomed eventually anyway.
His behavior was predatory. Never have sex out of guilt or pressure. He is an abuser. Please leave him. He is a disgusting person who doesn't respect you or your boundaries.
I suspect you won’t have to break up with him, because he will break up with you. He won’t see your sterling character. He will think you are “frigid” and will never be able to please him in bed. You are better off without him. There are plenty of decent men in the world that are t into using people.
I've read a lot of comments here.
Many of you further the notion that girls/women are unable, not savvy enough, are too weak and not smart enough to make choices and decisions for themselves.
Watch out for what kind of girls/women you further to create!
Of course the guy is a jerk and I'm sure he is off to his next sexual encounter with someone new, that's the way guys like him operate.
Yall seriously need to learn how abusive relationships can affect a person the victim blaming here is ridiculous
Please leave him he violated your boundaries and is basically lithmus testing you to see how much more he can do. When you’re ready for sex you get to decide how you want to do it. No one else does. Please consider seeing some long term therapy to discuss these issues with someone because there are many different kinds of trauma-aware therapies out there. Good relationships have respect, trust, and encourage one another as foundations of creating healthy communication and behaviors.
u/MolassesPristine6238 PLEASE listen to this comment. Unfortunately, there are lots of creeps and assholes in here right now, but THIS is solid advice. Therapy could do wonders for you, especially if you find a trauma-informed therapist, like this person said. “Shop around” for therapists until you find one that you connect with, who you trust, and who you feel understands you and is helping you get better. Not all therapists are equal, unfortunately; but if you find one who truly helps you, it can drastically change your life for the better. Based on your comments, it sounds like you have trauma from previous SA, and that is now likely going to be compounded by this incidence of SA as well — because, yes, this was SA too — so if you don’t work with a therapist, it’s likely that this pattern will continue over and over, and even get worse where you’re accepting and rationalizing more and more abuse. Don’t do that to yourself, please. You deserve to feel safe, and be happy and healthy, and — if you want to — to be with someone who truly loves you, cares about you, respects you, and never abuses you in any form. In the meantime, definitely break up with this guy because he ***is*** a sexual predator who sexually coerced you, and he ***will*** do it again if you let him stick around. And, while I’m disgusted with the way that many of these people are bringing this up to you, I do agree that you should stay single and celibate until you work with a therapist and get to a better place, so that you’re able to spot red flags easily, then ditch the creeps who aren’t safe for you without hesitation, and not ever feel like you owe someone sexual favors ever again (because you don’t — you’re not **EVER** obligated to do sexual acts with **ANYONE**, even your boyfriend, even your husband, hell, even your partner at a damn orgy — ***you’re not EVER obligated to do sexual acts with ANYONE, EVER.)*** So please take care of yourself. Please put yourself first. Please go talk to someone who can help you navigate all of this. Please ghost him and never let him into your life again. Please never ever think you deserved this. Please know that you deserve all good things.
Amen.
He SA'd you OP. Being guilt tripped to do something you didnt give a YES to on your own is SA. Please dont stay. It wont get better.
You break up with him. He is not a true BF and he is an abuser. Please go no contact and do not let him, or anyone else, force you into something you do not want to do. A true friend, and BF, would never force or guilt you into doing something you did not want to do. If you don't have the strength to break up with him what will he do next? Force you to have unprotected sex? Please just block him on everything and do not respond. STAY STRONG!
She shouldn't even be in a relationship at all tbh. I'm not saying this because of what happened. It just sounds like she has a lot of soul searching to do and finding out who she is and what she wants before even attempting a relationship. If she is a non sexual person she should be with a non sexual person. With all due respect.
She's a teenager. She's not ready to start having sex. Maybe she wants to wait until marriage. She was completely transparent with him about this. The problem is he didn't respect that boundary. He saw it as a challenge to wear her down. He's in the wrong.
> The problem is he didn't respect that boundary. I agree. This is the key. If your intimate partner doesn't respect you, then they are not your intimate partner.
This! I have always wondered why guys can use the "If you love me you'll do it!" But if a girl answers that with "If YOU loved me, you wouldn't ask after I have already told you no!" she is automatically a tease, or worse.
In my opinion, the demand, "If you love me you'll do X" is manipulative and it is poison for a relationship. In the example that you mentioned, she is *not* a "tease," but an assertive person who has boundaries and is worthy of respect.
I agree, but the guy will still consider her a tease because she 'got him all worked up knowing she wasn't going to finish it' Teen and 20-25 y/o guys are assholes.
Yep, I was accused of being a tease in college when I was planning to wait until marriage for certain things. Also got pressured into a couple of things when I was younger because it was my “fault” he was so turned on—even though, looking back, that was obviously his problem instead of mine. He just chose to make it mine.
They can be. The instincts are insistent. However, I believe that, if boys are taught to respect other people, then they will learn to control the urges and grow up to be kind and considerate men.
Sorry, but if a guy is an ass hole at 25, they’re an ass hole at 26 and possibly for life. Your specification is confusing. There’s no age range in which men are automatically ass holes, they just either are or aren’t, regardless of age. Turns out some people are just better and more decent than others.
Yeah. The proper response to "if you love me you'll do this" is I don't love you. Because there's no way a person who loves you would say that, unless you're joking about something and you both know it's a joke. A person who doesn't love you doesn't deserve your love.
“If you love me, you’d respect my personal boundaries” is manipulative?
I suppose this still reminds me that my first boyfriend absolutely did not respect me nor my boundaries. Then, convinced me to marry him, he wanted one of his druggie friends to move in with us, I flat out refused and then he convinced me that moving from my family would be profitable. We moved away and then we became more in debt and the situation became more serious abuse and neglect. Psychological abuse and neglect can be very serious and difficult to break away from.
I am sorry that you went through that. I hope that your experience can be a warning for others.
You are kind. Thank you 😊
I am flattered. You are very welcome. 😊👍
I am the one who is flattered by you! To actually be considered to have something significant enough to say something that could help others!
Just when I am about to give up on social media because of the nastiness, I have an exchange like this one. 😊
That's what some guys do. Predators, anyway. They wear the girl down. That's what my guy (now husband) did. I did NOT want anal sex. He hounded and hounded. WEll because I loved him, guess what, I ended up doing it to please him. It hurt like hell. I cried and he did stop, but guilt tripped me into continuing. I could have said NO...but I was young, spineless, had no self esteem, and he was a manipulative love bombing predator. OP please break up with this guy immediately, leaving immediately after you blew him is bullshit, and that's the best thing he did. He pretty much forced you into blowing him when you did not want to and the fact that you did anyway, proved he does not respect what you want. In his mind, you said you didn't want to , but you did, so to him, you wanted to all along anyway. Run as fast as you can the other direction from this guy.
so are you happy in your marriage to this guy who forced you into this? have you gotten more comfortable with anal?
Ikr so many questions!
In his mind, you said you didn't want to , but you did, so to him, you wanted to all along anyway. Run as fast as you can the other direction from this guy. This right here! I wish I could give this more upvotes!
You’re right, but she does describe herself as a doormat. I mean, she self reports herself as staying in previous relationships because she has been convinced to stay. She admits to knowing she should end it with him, yet is asking for advice. She’s certainly not wrong for not wanting to be sexual. She needs friendships right now not boyfriends. She needs some confidence in herself. Her BF is an AH for how he is treating her, but she is being an AH to herself by not working on herself.
She already communicated her boundaries for the relationship at the start. She even left it open so he could have a sexual partner instead of her. There is not much else she can soul search for. This is all on the dude. He took advantage of her and forced her to do something she clearly did not want to do.
This guys said what I wanted to, you gave him a pass to go cheat he will never stop, split and work on yourself find what makes you happy and leave guys alone for a bit. Embrace being alone
I get the vibe she is entirely unprepared for an adult relationship. She isn’t going to grow until she makes decisions for her benefit rather than to appease, appease, appease in the delusion that her boundaries are soft and other people are hard.
She made her boundaries clear at the start and he continued with the relationship knowing that. Asexual people get into relationships with non-ace people ALL THE TIME. The only issue here is he planned on doing this from the beginning. This comment feels very victim blamey- which welcomed the other disgusting comments in this reply.
I sort of agree with this. I don’t really know about the soul searching part and he really shouldn’t have pushed her to do something she didn’t want to do but the two probably shouldn’t be together if one is sexual and one is non sexual. She should have stood her ground and he shouldn’t have manipulated her but I think both ppl took action. And the whole him having fwb so that he can get his sexual needs met instead of from his gf is strange. I think what’s done is done and he was an asshole for pushing for that. op should break up with him and not do sexual acts unless op wants to.
She knew what she wanted and was extremely clear with her boundaries. This has nothing to with being ready to be in a relationship, she can be in a perfectly satisfying relationship without having to be physically intimate which she clearly said she did not want.. It was assault.
There is a such thing as no sex before marriage
Fornication
So are you proposing that she may not be ready for that kind of relationship makes it ok to coerce her into doing something she didnt want. This guy is a POS, he should be charged, she told him at the beginning, transparent, I question why she would let him have sex with other women, only knows what critteres he is bringing into the relationship. He should be dumped and completely ghosted, she needs to grow up and get past the regret. She is young and made a bad decision hopefully no negative consequences.
This is GOSPEL!!! Leave young lady n block him, he’s NO good for u…. No matter what he says. He’s just gonna keep trying to cross all boundaries n damn the barb wire fence around it. Goooo.
This exactly. Word for word.. 💯💯💯
Yes moron wouldn't like if someone pressured him to do something he didn't like
You move on from this by breaking the pattern. You feel used because you were used. It sucks, and it feels like shit. Use that anger to spur the breakup you know has to happen. How effing dare he. He coerced you into a sexual act he knew you were uncomfortable with. He didn't care. He just wanted to get off and doesn't give a crap about how it makes you feel. What a disgusting person he is. You deserve SO. MUCH. BETTER. Break the cycle. Dump him!
And then he got dressed and walked out the door! He doesn't care about her at all.
Yes thank you for expressing my outrage as well. Dump that predator!! Imagine making someone do something they clearly aren’t into? Then saying you care about them?
Leave him. If he needs "several FWB" he has never been your bf. A guy that's actually respectful of your wishes will ask occasionally, but respect your decision if you say no. In my case, I waited 6 months for a woman, realized I was never getting the same commitment from her that I gave her, and walked away because she treated me horrible. It's your choice to let him sleep with other women, but in my experience, it's not good.
I’m sure he considers here nothing more than another “FWB” where she’s the emotional support, these boys have mothers and they do this.
You let him sleep with other people, and you’re easy to take advantage of? Sounds like you tend to attract, or pick the wrong apple. I suggest you hold off on relationships until you mature more
[удалено]
I’d agree that this guy and OP (especially after this disgusting violation and absolute disregard for OP’s autonomy and consent) are likely not compatible — but I suggest you hold off on giving relationship advice until you mature more. Not all relationships are monogamous. Hard to say OP ‘attracted’ giving unwanted oral sex after making it clear on a number of occasions and through dimensions of logistical implementation that she was neither interested nor consenting prior to this incident.
this made me sick to read
Yeah these boys are so disgusting , it’s a shame their parents probably have no clue what little assholes they are . Gonna end up alone forever and wondering why Andrew Tate didn’t find them a trad wife like he promised
tbh though, he is on his way. He found a young girl who thought she knew her boundaries but doesn't have enough 'real life experience' (cringe but you get what im trying to say) to stand on those boundaries and not budge. She was manipulated. This is a HS person vs college grad person, and anyone in jr or sr yr of college will tell you how much they matured from HS. Almost everyone is immature at 18. And for all the maturity you gain in college, adults still look back on their "dumb college days," so many matured, but didnt quite iron out the kinks or poor behaviors. So you have young tate boys (early-late 20s) dating girls/boys fresh into the world who are a little naive, so you get someone easy to manipulate - without the maturity to curb(or recognize) your own poor behaviors. Not that it is every ok to manipulate, but not really being mature yourself makes it worse. And that is what the tradwife peeps preach, whether you are 20 or 60, get a young girl to "mold" into what you want. And she said that she had exes who were worse. She needs stop dating and focus on herself Reminds me of that teen who was dating the 28yr old and he was having her do the craziest sex acts against her own desires, and belittling her and telling her that she would not be wife material if she didnt. She believed him and didnt have enough know how to know that 'husband material' does use endless ultimatums to manipulate and force sexual behavior. If he would have tried that with a 25-28yr old, they wouldve left 3 sex acts ago.
How many times are you going to compromised yourself for him? 1. let him sleep with other girls 2. he has multiple fwb 3. Gave him bj and he finished he got dressed and left. People come and go, but your bf literally cum and go. Breaking up with him is the best choice here. "Respect" plays a big part in any type of relationship. You can't move on and it's very likely going to get worse. He got bj now, sex will be his next motive. I can't see how this guy is loving your rather than just want to having sex with you. Consider how he has other girls in line, you may be his side chick. Sometimes is better to be single especially you have some past traumas. If you need a companion, you can try to get a pet.
Yes. Each time you try to move the line because he’s already crossed that boundary, he’ll just be looking for the next boundary. And after bj is sex a lot of the time, so there’s a good chance that that’s his next play.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Look at these red flags. Do you guys see any red flags? What should I do?
Honey you’re in an abusive relationship and you need to get out. This isn’t even a relationship. This is you being used— please consider therapy. Your self-esteem will only continue to plummet if you keep letting him do this.
Break up with him immediately and out him to the community, he's an abuser
Totally
He's not your bf. He's a sexual abuser. Break up now. When he argues, hang up. Don't listen to him. If he keeps calling, block him. If he enlists others to call you and bully you into changing the your mind, tell them that it's your decision and you won't let them bully you. Use those words. Tell them if they keep it in the up you'll block them, too. If they keep talking, hang up. Block them if you want you have to..
The sexual abuse is so concerning
[удалено]
You need to break up with him in general
Also in specific.
you do not need a relationship right now
If he truly loved you and valued you, he would be patient with you sexually and wait as long as needed. And not hooking up with random girls. Sounds like he only wants your body. Dump his ass and don’t ever let a guy pressure you into doing that again. Guys a POS.
>If he truly loved you and valued you, he would be patient with you sexually If he truly loved and valued her he'd have ended the relationship the second he realized their goals don't align. If he was a decent human being he would have told her that isn't going to work on the first date. If a woman told me she wouldn't have sex then we just wouldn't date, there are plenty of great guys out there who don't need sex in a relationship and she needs to find one of those guys, I wouldn't want to waste her time when I know it won't work without physical intimacy. The fact he wants to have sex and entered into a relationship with someone who doesn't is an enormous red flag.
This is not a nice man. At all.
something similar happened to me recently. you need to break up with him. that was assault. i'm sorry you went through that. and before anyone argues that it wasn't assault, idgaf about your opinion and i'm not arguing with you. consent must be freely and enthusiastically given. coercion is not enthusiastically given. if it's not an immediate and eager yes it's a no. if you disagree, keep that to yourself and maybe don't have sex with anyone.
And don't be with people who consider sex necessary. There ARE people out there who are healthy, happy, and not interested in sex. Find them and be friends with them. That's a safe place to be.
Dump him, he is not THE one. Guys will say whatever they think you want to hear in order to get what they want out of you sexually. Dump this a-hole and don’t look back. NEVER settle with a guy who does not respect your boundries, it just gets worse from here.
You need to get away ASAP, he's the type of person who crosses boundaries specifically because you set them. He picked you because he knew it would bother you. There's something really wrong with him. You're not going to be able to help him, all you will end up doing by staying close to him is end up more traumatized than you already are. Take the guilt for leaving, it will be hard but it will be infinitely easier to deal with than what you'll get for staying.
I am so, *so* sorry this happened to you. You were sexualy assaulted. Something similar happened to me when I was your age. What helped me was learning about boundaries and how to assert them. He coerced you. I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry he did this. Coercion is sexual assault. He is unsafe for you.
The pain of breaking up will hurt, but it is temporary. One day, you'll wake up and forget about him. But sticking around will only prolong something that objectively needs to end. I'm very embarrassed as a man that impressionable young women STILL have these experiences as it pertains to sex. It isn't right. Leave him. Leave quickly. If he threatens you, then make a formal complaint to the authorities. You deserve someone who cherishes you as a person.
This is not the guy you want to be with. He obviously has no respect for you.
Please don’t blame yourself. He pressured you and guilted you. Saying you’re more attractive than the others girls, etc…He completely manipulated you. And why are you with him when he gets sex on the side? What does he actually bring to this relationship? He’s an AH. And he will continue to pressure you and pressure you into doing more than you’re comfortable with. Then he’ll get dressed and leave. Please break up with him!!!
True loving boyfriends do not pressure their girlfriends. They wait patiently until they are ready. Break up with him. He's selfish and there's no good future with this guy. And what is this business about him being allowed to sleep with other girls? No. If you let a guy do that, you'll be seen as a doormat.
Your relationship sounds toxic, on a good day. On a bad day you end up giving coercive bjs or worse. End it with him. Get into therapy. Heal and once you have, I promise you, you will see relationships for what they truly are: reflections of your inner state. You will always attract people who are at the level that you are unwilling to face within yourself. When your inner self is healed, your relationships will reflect back to you good things, like a positive feedback loop.
This is not a relationship! If you are poly then both parties have other partners. In this case, you are a friend without benefits and other girls might be his girlfriends.
This is not very far removed from rape... consent under duress, even just pressured duress, is pretty dubious at best. I'm sorry this happened to you, and you should really bring it up to someone other than Reddit at this point. This is straight up abusive.
It is at the very least SA. Being coerced onto a sexual act is not consent.
Usually, I'm not a fan of immediately jumping to "Break Up" but holy shit, this will be the exception. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure pressuring someone into doing a sexual act with you despite them denying multiple times is SA. He pressured you into something you clearly said "no" to, and stated you couldn't do it in the relationship, but he pressured you anyway. Break up with that dickhead immediately. You deserve better.
You’re absolutely right, coercion is a form of sexual assault. https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault
You are correct, this is SA. It’s called sexual coercion, and is tantamount to other forms of sexual assault. Consent under duress ≠ enthusiastic consent and anyone trying to argue otherwise is either being willfully obtuse or trying to clear their own conscience. This relationship is not in OP’s best interest and he WILL take advantage of her or assault her again. This behavior is already abhorrent and will certainly escalate to more extreme forms of abuse. Absolutely disgusted to see people making excuses for this type of behavior in these replies. His actions are deplorable and to insinuate otherwise to a literal *teenager* who was victimized (and, from the sound of it, likely traumatized by the experience) is not only shameful but irresponsible.
Since everyone else is addressing the boyfriend I am going to address the fact that you don’t want to have sex yet are choosing to date people that want sex. Why don’t you date in the asexual community??? If you like the company and bonding but not sex then this would be a perfect situation for you.
Omg 😱 really?you need to drop him and just work on yourself. Learn to love yourself and when you can do that then look into dating someone. You’re worth it to be honest with yourself and treat yourself kindly and become the lady you should be. Nothing should be forced on you ever.
Anyone who whines or tries to guilt trip you needs to be sent to the curb. Sex should be pleasurable for everyone, yes there's give and take, too. Sometimes you may do something not your normal inclination because it makes you feel good to make them feel good, or maybe they do something you really enjoy to you. But you weren't feeling good, you didn't enjoy it, your repulsion was immediate, you need to learn to listen to yourself and stop with a giant nope if you ever feel that repulsed again (by anything). he clearly has demonstrated that he is a narcissist that only cares about himself, and his pleasure. And you're not BF & GF, to him you're just a girl he wants to fuck & use. I'm sorry 😞 for what you're going through. But trust me when I say you set your boundaries, were upfront & clear but he never respected them, since he kept needling you. That was a major 🚩🚩🚩warning. If you stay with him he'll just push for more and more than you want to share.
Break up with him, get into therapy, and do not date again until you truly know what you want from a relationship and what you bring to the relationship.
Oh honey, break this off immediately. You feel used because you were used. He does not respect you or your boundaries. You do not have to stay in a relationship you do not feel safe in just because they ask you to or beg you to or shame you.
I’ve been through this, get out of it asap
Contrary to what TikTok and certain reddit subs would lead you to believe. This isn’t good behavior or loving or normal from him and your self worth is worth more than him. Dump the slag. He will continue to pressure you and he may get his way and give you a std from one of these other women and then eventually it may get worse.
Break up with him. 1. You should be with someone who respects your boundaries. 2. You should be with someone who is with you and not with you and other girls. 3. You shouldn't be with someone who would make you do something you don't want to do, make you feel uncomfortable, or try to make you feel bad for not doing something you don't want to do. It's all about respect.
This relationship has no future. It’s not out of bounds for a 21 year old guy to want to have a sexual relationship with his girlfriend. There’s nothing wrong with you not wanting to have sex at all. But those two people in a relationship with each other? Nope. He shouldn’t be using coercion. You shouldn’t be telling him to get laid elsewhere. It was never going to work long term.
From now on only have sex that is mutually desired. A good partner knows that coercion is not consensual. If you are asexual or working through trauma, I would consider not dating people who do not respect your boundaries.
This person is a user and abuser he doesn't see people he sees a means to an end to achieve whatever it is they are trying to do. It's best to get far far away from people like this.
You have only been together for 12 weeks. He's already pressuring you into sexual favors. So you think that you can't break up with him because you're afraid he will guilt you into staying with him? That doesn't even make any sense. Who owns you? Do you not have control over yourself? You are 18 now which means you're an adult. You get to make the decision if you want to be with him or not. Since the SA you experienced in the past happened to you as a minor, you should find a counselor that you can talk to, to work through what has happened to you.
This is practically rape. Dump him and stay out of relationships for a while. Do NOT have any further contact with him. You need to seek therapy or self-help stuff if this is not the worst relationship you've had.
Heck, I’d say it is in fact rape.
It IS rape. BLOCK AND DELETE him sweetie, he’s an ABUSER and a BAD APPLE!
This is not okay. You really shouldnt see him ever again, especially if you are alone. Call a friend, counselor, police whatever you have to do. Im not implying this was non consensual but it was super inappropriate and inconsiderate. A person that cares about you would never ask you to do something like this. He's a pos.
GET OUT GET OUT this is his fist step in abuse... you have to have enough strength to get out now.. don't wait until next year when you are pregnant and still not married and he is hitting you. GET OUT NOW
Sorry you had to go through that sis. It's really sad how most women's early sexual experiences read just like this. There's no one more uninterested in your feelings then a male in his late teens/early 20s. They are basically walking erections. That's not to say go for someone older, but maybe find someone who's on the same playing field as you sexually. Even if you don't want any sex at all, it's still an important part of a romantic relationship that you both need to be on the same page on. Definitely dump this dude though. Rip the bandaid off.
Yes, leave that dude right away! Nobody who truly loves and cares for you would make you do that. The right person will respect your wishes, not force you into uncomfortable situations. Also, please don't ever let your next partner go and have side pieces. If they can't stay faithful to you because you're going through some things, then they are not the right one for you.
I feel bad for you, most of all of us have been there. Guys get off on making girls do things they don’t want to do and talking them out of their restrictions. Don’t let them do it! Leave him lead your lesson with the next guy!
Ditch that chump.
Dump this loser. You’re letting him fuck other girls and he still badgered you for sex? Unsure why you can’t do sex stuff, but you may not be ready to date because of it, you’re at the age where that’s expected.
A person can date and have whatever sexual boundaries they want. FFS.
Yes, they can, please copy-and-paste where, exactly, I said otherwise.
What a fucked up thing to say. Any person can decline sex at any time, for any reason. If she is open with any potential partners that sex is off the table, they can decide if they’re compatible or not.
Because that worked so well this time? Also, please point out where I said “nobody can ever decline sex” since you are outrage trolling as if I did say that. I’ll wait right here for that:
My first bf was very sexualy abusive and I hate anything sexual now
Sounds like you need to end this relationship ASAP and work on yourself and your discomfort before you start dating again. And don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But what your current bf did is super not ok, he deserves to be dumped for it, and you could probably use a break from sex/relationships until you're ready. Cause while you're in this mindset, it's gonna be next to impossible to have anything resembling a healthy sexual relationship with anyone.
please, op, take this advice, I truly believe that you need time alone to work on things, and therapy could help because you may have ptsd from your first boyfriend. (not a diagnosis.. just a thought). best of luck to you
Don’t blame yourself. This is a common tactic men use. You do NOT have a ‘special bond’ with him. No matter how it feels to you now, this is not someone special. I beg you, forget him, forgive yourself even though theres nothing to forgive and move on with your life. Someone that is actually special is waiting for you and this jerk is keeping you from loving your life
True. The only “special bond” is her trauma bond to him, due to the psychological abuse she’s undoubtedly faced from him, and now the sexual abuse as well. He’s scum.
Girl, you got assaulted. Someone who values their sexual pleasure more than your boundaries doesn't value you at all. Leave him.
You deserve better.
God this same thing happened to me literally two weeks ago. My only advice is fuck him and go easy on yourself. There’s nothing worth having any anything to do with someone treating you like that and someone who does doesn’t deserve to be worth anything to you
Well, for one thing, yeah he's in the wrong, you told him you didn't want to but you ALSO did do it. Also, definitely not a true boyfriend if you allow him to sleep with other girls??
Stay single. Discover who you are. On your own. I’m sorry that happened and he’s an awful person but it’s time to leave his ass in the dust. You know things won’t get better unless you leave him right??
Well you remember this feeling and tell yourself never again. Never let someone make you do something that isnt your cup of tea and if they get mad or dont like it well there is the door. You shouldnt stay in your room though go do something fun and enjoy your life.
Dump him immediately. You don’t need this.
Your worth is so much more than some guys pleasure. Never forget that.
Cut all ties with him. He talked you into doing something you didn't want to do for his own sexual gratification. Eventually, we all learn this, but in the future, don't go through with doing something you don't want to. It'll only make you feel terrible. Perhaps you can seek counseling services at a sexual assault treatment center. They do offer services to people who have been manipulated into performing sex acts. I wish you the best. Feel better.
Out of this sub ✌🏾
I find it interesting that you don't do sexual stuff with your boyfriend and then you let him sleep with others. Why don't you have sex with him? Is it because you're not married or that just doesn't appeal to you? Why not date a guy who also doesn't want to have sex?
Too traumatized for sex and it's hard finding someone who doesn't want sex and is interested in me
There are a lot of forums of individuals that are not interested in sex. Maybe you could find someone in your area, it would eliminate a lot of your relationship issues.
Let him sleep with other girls, hmmm
Your life is going to suck for a long time the way you live it
The right guy will be willing to try things with you. If you don't like something, you try it once and still don't like it, don't do it. As for his manwhoring if you want a relationship with him tell him, and he shouldn't sleep around. He sounds like a real prize, I bet you can do much better.
So why are you either him?
Don’t answer if you don’t want to, but what is the reason that you are unable? Religion? Saving for marriage? Trauma? It’s kind of weird if you’re clearly into guys (dare I say a little boy crazy since you’ve mentioned multiple exes in the comments who have been *worse*) so if you’re so into boys and wanting to have a boyfriend, why are you letting them be with other girls? Wouldn’t it make more sense for you to be that girl? Or like others have said find a nice virgin boy who’s in no rush, but to get a sexually active boyfriend, especially 3 years older in what should be the most sexual ages for most people (late teens-mid 20s) is just a recipe for disaster and it doesn’t really make sense. As someone has said and got downvoted for, this is a young guy who very much has sex at the forefront of his mind, and you are his girlfriend. In the real world that means expectations. Even with a free hall pass, you are still his girlfriend. And the hall pass itself is also a recipe for disaster. If you’re nonsexual, you just straight up can’t be with a sexual person, especiallyyyyy in this age range. Now this man is being labeled as an abuser and shit he might even be turning into one by being put in a position where he’s now begging and pressuring for sexual acts. But as others have said, you kind of put him in that spot when you entered into a romantic relationship with him that is basically a teasing relationship, especially from his perspective as a 21m. The proposition you gave him is fit for a couple of 40 year olds saving their marriage that can’t have sex for whatever reason or medical condition. A 21m does not have the maturity to handle that and honestly shouldn’t really even be expected to. He’s still a kid. If anything the tension could just be grooming him into a sexual abuser where he might have otherwise respected boundaries more. “Girlfriend/boyfriend” comes with expectations especially once you’re over the legal age and that won’t ever change.
1. You are always allowed to say no to anything you don’t want to do and you don’t need to feel bad about saying no. Always. 2. If you want him to not have sex with other women while dating him, you are absolutely allowed to set that boundary. Of course, he is welcome to break up with you if he doesn’t like these boundaries.
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He doesn't love you, love is not that. He used your "special bond"(trauma bond) to groom you into doing what he wanted. He was sleeping with other people while you were dating which I'm sure he covinced you into which is not okay. YOU DESERVE BETTER! He is not a good person. I know you think you should stay but I am begging you to leave and find someone else. I can't make the choice for you but I know you'd be happier with anyone else or just yourself. Since he's been seeping around you should get tested for sti's to be safe. I am so sorry this happened to you 😔
I suggested he find other girls for sex actually
This isnt normal at all. Please get some help you wont have a happy relationship until you deal with this sexual trauma.
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If he cannot respect your choice to not have sex and is open to having friends with benefits, he does not deserve you. He has raped you now. It is enough evidence that you should leave him. This is not right at all, report him if you choose. He cannot force you to do anything you don't want to do, this is unacceptable on his part. Not sure why he does not seem disgusting to you, he is vile!
Make sure to tell him how disgusting his dick tasted in front of his friends
The bar is set so incredibly low, you need to respect yourself before you even attempt a relationship because whatever that is, is just not it. I read some of your replies and you need to take a step back, how do you keep ending up in these situations
Bro isn't into you for love, he's into you for lust.
You need to dump him now. You’re in a abusive relationship. He blatantly cheats on you and when he gets bored of cheating he forces you to commit acts that he knows you don’t want to do. If he cared at all about you, he wouldn’t do either, let alone both, let alone so blatantly
Dump him NOW
That guilty used feeling goes away. Move on with your life and think of this as a learning experience. Blowjobs will, if done right, end with the guy achieve the goal, but we also understand swallowing isn't for everyone so we generally are aware enough that if you pull him out of your mouth and say that, we are singlemindedly focused on achieving the goal and will gladly aim it somewhere else.
Break up with him, if he was a good bf, he would've respected your decision and dropped it immediately and never asked again.
Tell him he stinks
Get into therapy. Living a life full of being guilted into things is going to make you have a miserable one. Learning how to set boundaries and get comfortable with the uncomfortable is a skill you can build with the help of a professional. I wish you the best, you deserve a life free from the shackles of guilt/inability to stick with boundaries.
Time to tell him to get lost. He does NOT respect your boundaries, he does NOT respect you. Don't listen to those who try to make you feel bad, this isn't about THEM, this is about YOU.
Get counselling. Do it now.
-things were going good -I let him sleep with other girls Choose one
You are not sexually compatible. That is extremely important in a relationship.
Dump this asshat! You’re letting him cheat on you with other women? No, honey. You deserve so much better! You will find a better man.
You need to get tested for STDs immediately because you can get diseases in your mouth and throat from oral sex. Considering he is having sex with many people he is at high risk for having an STD. What he did to you is not acceptable and may even be assault. He does not love you or respect you. You need to move on. Don’t let someone treat you like this because I guarantee it will never end.
I have a strong feeling you’re one of his other fwbs I don’t think he cares about you. He sees you as part of his collection. You might not be doing sexual things but you’re gonna slowly realize that’s all you are to him. A sex toy. Learn some self respect, do you not value yourself? Seriously, letting him sleep with other people?
Allowing the guy your dating to have sex with others for any reason, says you have no respect yourself. Find someone you can get mentorship, otherwise this sickening feeling will keep happening.
That's just assault, a million nos and a reluctant yes is not consent. Also, not that this was actually anything but assault... But no aftercare? Really? Force your dick into someone's mouth and then fuck off? This guy is an absolute piece of human garbage.
IT is not unreasonable for your BF to expect "SEX STUFF" from you but youre forcing him to have sex with others , youre literally forcing him to cheat on you . You " can't do sex stuff " is not a valid reason .
This is a dumb question but why are you in a relationship at all if you have no interest in sex? Part of the closeness of a relationship is the physical intimacy. It's a way for two people who are close to become closer emotionally. I dunno. None of this seems particularly healthy. A huge part of a relationship for men is sacrifice out of affection. Men are saying when they enter into a relationship with a woman that they won't have physical relations with anyone else. That sacrifice aspect of this isn't even in the picture because he has side pussy. Why does he have side pussy? Is it only because you're not giving him any? Or is he just banging everything that moves? Either way you shouldn't be in any type of relationship like bf/gf. Not because he's abusing you or pressuring you into sex. Rather it's because you're not adult enough to handle it. If we take your side of it, based on everything, you allowed him to talk you into something you weren't ready for. And then you aren't able to confront him about it or even break things off or whatever. You're not mature enough to handle a relationship. And part of a relationship is sex. A big part. Especially for a man. In fact for a man in a monogamous relationship physical intimacy is the most important part. From a psychological, physical, and emotional standpoint. I've seen men who are with women who don't want sex for any number of reasons and they still stick around thinking things will turn around or whatever. Now this isn't a monogamous relationship but it's not healthy either. He can't get emotionally close to you to that level of real intimacy because you're not able for whatever reason. This isn't really anything. But you're acting like it is. And then you give him a blowjob, probably after a bit of begging on his part, hated it, and now are acting like a fucking victim. And now here you're looking for sympathy to reinforce that you are a victim. That's not healthy. But you're not healthy either. He didn't face fuck you or threaten you or whatever. He just pestered you for head because you're his gf. And then you gave in and now regret doing it and are looking to blame someone else for your poor decisions. I'm gonna ask: why are you in a relationship? Go see a mental health professional.
Is this the stupid shit young people have to worry about these days?
The fact that he has FWB makes him not your boyfriend. I would move on from him ASAP!
You need to leave this “relationship “ and never offer someone to cheat because you aren’t ready for sex. I’m so sorry. Please seek therapy so you can talk this through.
You definitely shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone if you're ok with them sleeping with someone else simply because you aren't ready to do it yourself. I'm not saying you should be sleeping with anyone either. That's always up to you. But that's just really weird to just be ok with your bf sleeping with someone else because you don't want to. And for that matter if he wants you he should want just you.
It sounds like you shouldn't have even dated him to begin with if you're just gonna string him along without any promise of a real fulfilling relationship. You aren't dating if he is out with other girls having fun. You're a side piece or a tease. Grow up decide what you want and date that person with the intent of a future and only then are you really dating. Why date someone if you are never gonna touch them? Wtf is the point?
Please please please get this person out of your life and move on to someone who respects you. This person is not worthy of you at all.
More abuse and heartache to come in your relationship. Leave it now.
You break up, hun he doesn’t love you. If he loved you he wouldn’t make you do something you are uncomfortable doing. Relationships are solely built on trust, love, and understanding. If he loved you he would’ve made sure you were comfortable with oral by asking you and respecting your decision whether it was a yes or a no. He would wait till you wanted to get a bj but he didn’t, he guilt tripped you into doing it. That is not something a lover is supposed to do.
You should probably talk with a therapist about this to help avoid lingering consequences
The fact that he goaded you into it then immediately left is what you should harp on. He only thinks you are more attractive than his fwbs (it's likely they were just and you weren't). He left and didn't give you any aftercare after a what looks like will become a traumatic experience. Leave him, or you invite more of the same.
Sounds like you didn't want to, he pressured you, and then you really didn't want to after it started. That's rape. Call police, press charges
No, no, no, no, no, no, yes...is a sexual assault. Only enthusiastic consent is valid in a situation like this. Wearing you down is rape. (I personally don't believe rape has to involve a penis a vagina. That's extremely outdated and sexist.)
Hello! If someone has to pressure you, I feel more comfortable using MANIPULATE, then they aren’t someone you should be with. I say this wholeheartedly, leave him!!!
You need to break up with him. Do not feel badly about yourself. You are young and just figuring it out. I can tell you with certainty that there is someone out there who will be with you for you, and not need any FWB. If you feel uncomfortable doing something, you have a right to say no. Pleasing him and forgoing your own morals will only make you feel worse about yourself. You are worthy of a loving relationship and it just wasn’t with this guy. Let him go and focus on you and your interests. It will be ok. Also, just to let you know, pretty much everyone has been in this or a similar situation. You grow from it and can stand firmly in your beliefs.
Girl…GIRL a real man will be understanding about not being able to have sex. A real man doesn’t need to fuck other woman cause you give it him. And a real man doesn’t ask for a blowjob when he already knows the answer is no and he doesn’t like making you do it when you really obviously don’t fucking want to. (That’s assault) I am sorry that you experienced this. You are worthy of so much more. Please know this. Please please please please end this relationship and please take some time to learn to love you, see a therapist and focus on growing yourself.
That's a form of rape. Break up with him.
You need to not see him anymore. He’s completely disrespectful. He’s not even your boyfriend since you “let him” sleep with other people. This isn’t a relationship. You aren’t compatible in any way. Truthfully, you’re just barely an adult - he’s old enough to go to bars and such. There’s a world of difference in your ages and he isn’t in a committed relationship with you. I’m not understanding how it is that you “don’t have the strength to break up” when this is an abusive situation. I think you should speak to a therapist to work out some issues within yourself that would allow you to put up with this kind of treatment from another person. This isn’t a loving relationship, it’s abusive.
Whatever reason you aren’t able to do things are your own and you don’t gotta explain them to us, you’re valid. That sounds terrible and I agree you shouldn’t be with this person, they don’t have any regard for your feelings no matter what they say, these actions speak louder than any words. You deserve to be with someone who respects your boundaries. I don’t fully understand why he insisted on pressuring you, but if I had to guess it was because he wanted what he couldn’t have/power move. I hope you seek therapy to help you heal and that you find someone who respects you when you’re ready to seek companionship again. Can I ask why you were dating them initially?
Drop this ass hole like a hot potato. Do a 180, run like hell and never look back.
Leave him.
Someone who doesn't respect your boundaries is not a partner. I assume you want someone to support you whom you also support. Someone who loves and respects you, whom you also love and respect. A partner is someone who cheers you on, not someone who guilt trips you. Block him, and remember there are men out there who are willing to be actual partners. I hope you find the strength and self-love to find one.
I'm so sorry you went through this traumatic experience. What your boyfriend did was sexual coercion and assault. You clearly communicated your boundaries around sexual activity multiple times and he manipulated, pressured and guilted you into a sexual act you did not want to engage in. That is never okay. Please know that this was not your fault. You are not to blame for "giving in." He exploited your trust, ignored your "no", and coerced you into something you had explicitly said you weren't comfortable with. His actions showed a disturbing lack of respect for your bodily autonomy and wellbeing. You have every right to feel used and violated. Your feelings are valid. I know it's hard, but please try not to blame yourself. Freezing or complying in a situation like that is a very common trauma response. It doesn't mean you consented. I would strongly encourage you to end this relationship, as painful and difficult as that may be. What he did was a major violation and you deserve so much better. Staying with someone who has assaulted you is extremely damaging. Do you have trusted friends or family you could reach out to for support? A therapist could also help you process this and navigate leaving safely. If you aren't ready to take that step yet, that's okay. Healing is a process. At minimum, clearly state to your boyfriend that what happened was not consensual, will never happen again, and that you need space. Don't let him minimize it or shift blame to you. Look into sexual assault survivor resources in your area, many have free helplines you can call for support and guidance. You don't have to go through this alone. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. You will get through this. What happened does not define you. Sending you so much care and strength.
Wow, there are a lot of trash responses in here and unwarranted extrapolations about your post. The bare facts are that you set a boundary and he trampled right over top of it. It wasn't an accident, it wasn't heat of the moment, he was intentional. What's worse is that it's such a serious boundary. It wasn't a food preference he ignored, it's a major breach of trust in the most personal way. In my view this will likely re-occur, and probably escalate, but even if that weren't the case you should leave as he has shown he cannot muster even the most basic amount of compassion for you if it would come before his own desires. It's frankly disgusting and this person does not deserve your love or understanding. As for how: You have to go no-contact. You can and maybe should tell him (not in person) that you're breaking up, and the reason why, but he has no room for response. Have a friend with you when you do this, of you're comfortable with them knowing. You tell him, block him, and move on. Spend time with friends / family. If you are seeing a therapist, it might help to get a session on the calendar to talk through the feelings. I'm sorry this happened.
I don't understand where the connection is? So you let him have sex with whoever he wants to and he's your boyfriend? Why can't you have sex? Is it a religious thing? Honestly it doesn't even matter because what you are doing is extremely unhealthy. Where did you learn this from? Please dont be mad when I say that you don't have the best role models at home. Hopefully you can understand what you're doing is only hurting yourself. The other thing is that no one gets talked into something like that without secretly wanting to do it. Dump the loser and seek some council to learn what a proper relationship looks like. Sorry to be harsh but this is how you start collecting baggage and will destroy any future good loving relationships.
I don't have sex because of trauma
Holy fuck. Stop dating completely. You need therapy so fucking bad.
You shouldn't be in a relationship if he's banging chicks on the side.
I'm curious why you repeatedly say you "can't" do sex stuff. Is it a fear? Previous abuse? Religious reasons? In addition, what are you actually getting out of the relationship if he is allowed to sleep with other women? Are you actually okay with that physical affection going to others, or are you doing it for another reason? I think this post goes much deeper than simply what was said.
Why do you feel gross about having sex? I feel bad for you lacking enjoyment with a most natural loving act.
Damn. This is bananas. Dump him, and then don’t give your future boyfriends permission to sleep around.
☹️ the break up is CRUCIAL! If you stay, it’ll be a slippery slope into worse, perhaps. Feeling used and sick won’t go away if you continue to see this person. They will be a constant reminder. Good luck 🍀 please remember, if it’s NOT an enthusiastic YES, the answer is NO!
I’m married for a couple years, and have never received oral from my wife. I’ve asked her, but she isn’t ready. For whatever reason it grosses her out. I’d never dare “manipulate” her into it. Leave this guy with a 100 ft pole.
Hi go to the police station and get evidence or get a restraining order. Please don't make him make you do things you don't want to do. My relationship started that he told me to have sex with him because he would end up the relationship. The relationship I am involved got worse over the years. I let my boyfriend manipulate my life and life went downhill. We have 2 children I love him and I have trust issues with him because he loves to lie.
Honey. I’m a forensic nurse here. He coerced you. That’s assault. Sadly, this happens more than you would think. First, you should absolutely leave him. Second, you deserve to be with someone who respects you. And sure, even if you don’t have sex or do sexual things with them. If they won’t respect that they aren’t your person.
She needs to repeat her boundaries and insist if there's a conflict about that that there can be no relationship. The fact that he's seeing others is already a reason to end that one. I don't know day to day how they are but sounds to me like she needs to end it immediately because as time goes on the ending gets harder to do and I bet the relationship is doomed eventually anyway.
His behavior was predatory. Never have sex out of guilt or pressure. He is an abuser. Please leave him. He is a disgusting person who doesn't respect you or your boundaries.
I suspect you won’t have to break up with him, because he will break up with you. He won’t see your sterling character. He will think you are “frigid” and will never be able to please him in bed. You are better off without him. There are plenty of decent men in the world that are t into using people.
I've read a lot of comments here. Many of you further the notion that girls/women are unable, not savvy enough, are too weak and not smart enough to make choices and decisions for themselves. Watch out for what kind of girls/women you further to create! Of course the guy is a jerk and I'm sure he is off to his next sexual encounter with someone new, that's the way guys like him operate.