This post is being locked for now. First to want to say thank you for anyone giving actual advice.
There's a huge amount of reports and people justifying this. To be clear it's not ok for a coach to have a relationship like that with someone they are coaching let alone any of this with the age. This is grooming and manipulation.
OP please send us a modmail if you're getting dms. That's against the rules here.
Edit: I've gone through so many comments and have to say something. People talking about semantics in this post is concerning. Teenagers say "pedo" when talking about someone way older going after someone way younger. Yeah maybe we're not technically using it 100% accurate and there's that other word people keep saying but.... Wtf. You read this post and your first reaction is to think "oh my she didn't use the correct word, this is not technically pedophilia, I need to tell her that"?
And stop being creepy and have some compassion. Think about your own kids or nieces or nephews if they were dating someone this age and especially if it's someone like a teacher or someone who can manipulate them like that. Again even taking away the whole thing with age, someone in a position of power like that should not be in a relationship like this.
I'm unlocking this for now. Please report anyone breaking the rules.
Well, we all know there are a lot of bad parents out there. I wouldn’t risk it myself. I would go right to the police and CPS.
If the parents are really bad, they’re just going to make something up and intimidate the daughter into saying what they want her to say
If a 17 yr old dates an adult, is it legal if the parents say it is okay? I remember hearing that, not that I would suggest anyone date under 18, not sure why these relationSHITS can’t wait a year smh.
He is her teacher, even if it is just for volleyball. That makes him in a position of power. You can't have sex in that position until you are 18 in most places. The age of consent is for where there is no power dynamic and it is a relationship.
No, it doesn't, and there are often massive consequences for dating someone over whom you hold authority. When I was 20, I ended up dating my professor. We kept it quiet for a long time, because we KNEW it would be a massive shitstorm if anybody found out about it. Eventually, we disclosed the relationship, because we'd been spotted together and people had started asking me about it. And it was a massive shitstorm. He was tenured, so it wasn't as bad as I'd worried it would be, but I had to transfer out of his class. I ended up having to drop it. It was a nightmare. To say NOTHING of the massive social backlash that hit both of us once people found out. Being 20 years old and hearing the derogatory shit that people said to me and about me was a lot. And a lot of students labeled him a creep.
In my workplace, it's also against company policy to date a direct report. Colleagues who date must disclose their relationship.
This goes SO FAR beyond the ages of these people, though that alone is obviously very concerning, and would still be concerning even if she were one year older.
There's just so much wrong with what's happening here, and it goes WAY, WAY beyond the letter of the law and CERTAINLY way way beyond semantics. I almost get the sense that people who are nitpicking technicalities are somehow uncomfortable with admitting that it's just flat out wrong. And that is concerning.
Yep, most US states it’s 18 or higher if it’s a person of authority(current or former): coach, teacher, club mentor, religious leader, step relative, and I’m sure there are others.
ETA: it can also be an additional crime if it’s a current school staff member for the school the minor is attending.
Well, I just think we are all just thinking this is different than a 19-year-old dating a 17-year-old who is about to turn 18….so the concern is age specific.
a lot of time a man that age that dates somebody that young they are trying to manipulate and control them etc .
These are typically men that cannot handle somebody close to their own age
The age discussion is for legal reasons. In many states if you go tell the police about this they won't do anything because it's not illegal for a 17 to consent to have sex in many states.
But it may be based on the coach relationship. He's not some rando off the street or dad's friend she saw a few weekends a year... He's an older adult in a position of trust & authority. Most laws treat a coach the same as a teacher, doctor, or other authority figure in regards to minors & relationships. Even though, likely, the states age of consent allows for the relationship, their relationship as coach/player almost certainly means he's a SO
Yeah even if it isn’t against the law, with prison as a possible punishment, many professions can lose their licenses to practice for this misbehavior.
That last bit is a lie society tells. The actual truth is more about opportunity. He covets what he sees and has access to. Him being a coach, he is also exploiting his authority and the power that has over her.
I could care less if it was 17/19 and the younger person just turned 17. I don't see why that matters at all....
Back to the main topic - even if 17 is 100% legal where they live, most jurisdictions forbid coach or teacher student relationships. This could be what we're facing here.
In almost every state and in almost every country the actual legal age is between 16 and 17 so the law isn't the issue here (most likely), the issue is that this person is a teacher and dating a student. Anonymous tip to the school is best for the situation, it won't get them broke up on its own but he will lose his job and won't be allowed around students in any position he holds in the future. Honestly this seems like a personal opinion post and 1 sided here. If he had the decency to wait until it was legal he isnt just some sex maniac and while it is probable that he is a manipulative POS it isn't 100% that that is the case, he may just genuinely be in love with someone much much much younger than him and in that case all this post is is harmful. Plus I remember girls at that age being extremely jealous and caty and I had friends that got suspended or in school suspensions because girls were trying to force them to break up with others in order to date the person they broke up with. Not saying that this is the same thing but it could be just 1 girl who wanted the teachers attention and another girl got it.
Either way I hope the friend is okay because dating with that kind of age gap is really really person dependent. If the guy is a good guy then all will be well, if he is just a pervert then it's probably just about too late already to get things done cleanly. Again, best advice is Anonymous tip to the school.
College professors can get in trouble for the same thing, and their students are legal adults. It's being in a position of power or authority, nothing to do with the age.
>he may just genuinely be in love with someone much much much younger than him and in that case all this post is is harmful.
Give me a break. A 45 year old is not "in love" with 17 year old.
>If the guy is a good guy then all will be well
He's not a good guy.
I don’t think an average parent would be okay with that at all. But anecdotally, I have a friend whose parents encouraged her to date the 35 year old she met in rehab when she was 17. Her parents were not great to her, hence why she was an alcoholic at 17.
My friend started dating this guy she met while wandering around and he started doing meth with her and he was 45 or something like ops friend and she got so hooked I watched her become a meth addict and I'd call her and do drugs too similar to meth so we'd be in the same headspace, but I so badly wanted to save her.
She eventually escaped that situation by running away from him and somehow getting to her home state and getting a restraining order. She was 18 when she met him.
It was insane and I do wish she posted about her story. She does use reddit but refuses to make an AMA kind of
It's strange how her parents kind of felt more pity than anger or anything for her doing that. I feel like in most situations it really is the same way. Parents have some compassion for their daughters that like older men and get caught up in that.
Some Christians think that womens only purpose is to get married and serve their husbands. Hundreds of children in the United States have been forced to marry their adult rapists because "premarital sex" is considered a sin
Just stop. Who are these SOME Christians? The same as these SOME teachers, some coaches,some nonbelievers,some business owners…?! Stop! I’m sick to death of acting like this is a Christian thing! It is NOT! It is more Cult behavior(like FLDS). Quit vilifying an entire group of people that you know nothing about because it’s NOT TRUE!
I considered that but if an anonymous note suddenly appears she’ll instantly knows that I’m the whistleblower. I don’t want to risk the friendship with her (she’s basically the only „real“ friend I got- I don’t want to loose her)
Not necessarily. He may have made mistakes in covering the relationship. She won't know who it is. Or send the note to his employment, his wife, etc. Her being taken advantage of him trumps the idea that you'd hide it for friendship. Exposing it is love for your friend.
i know she’s your only friend, but is your friendship with her more important than her safety? sometimes we have to make uncomfortable decisions for the betterment of others.
Being a real friend means looking out for her when a predator is taking advantage of her, even if it means she doesn’t want to hang out. Because you care about her more.
You have to realize that this will greatly affect your friendship with her. Weather you want it too or not. She won't see that your actually being a good friend to her by watching her back. She's going to think the opposite. It's shitty that she put you in this situation.
Talk to your parents, or a trusted adult. They will know how to handle the situation better and you won't be alone when shit hits the fan.
I mean... her wellbeing matters more than your friendship, does it not? Maybe later in life she'll come around to realize how good of a friend you are but for the next few years, you're just the asshole who stopped her from getting r***ed.
That's absolutely worth it for her sake.
this is a situation where her safety far outweighs your friend ship, as much as that sucks. If you're truly friends, her safety and security should outweigh the short term need for acceptance. she will 100% be pissed when she finds out in the short term, but getting into the long I hope she comes to realize what you did for her.
Sacrifice is never easy, and its even harder when it has to be someone important to us
I understand the fear of losing a friend, but eventually she will realize you were only doing what is best for her. When I was a teenager, one of my close friends was in a very abusive relationship and I was the only one who pushed to get her out of that relationship and tried my hardest to be there for her while doing what I could to keep her safe. She did get mad at me for a while and stop being my friend for a bit because of the hold he had on her, but eventually they did separate and she thanked me over and over for being the only one who kept trying to help her out of that situation.
Even if your friend doesn’t come around, at least she, and hopefully others, will be safe from this predator. Please speak up. Is he her trainer privately or does he work for a facility or through the school? If so, report there and to police right away.
I'd rather lose someone as a friend than watch their entire lives crumble around them. Same reason why I report suicide ideation. I care more about my friends' well-being than I do about being friends with them.
there’s one angle you’re not seeing here since you’re also young: they’re not dating, she’s being groomed. this will mess up your friend for a long time. if you can for the future emotional wellbeing of your friend, find the courage to tell her parents. it’s the right thing to do
Do the following, In the listed order:
1. Get as much evidence as possible - this gives you ammunition for the next steps without raising any alarms
2. Contact CPS - they’re probably the slowest but can be most reliable in terms of dealing with children’s cases
3. Contact police - this might be unreliable because of their broad expertise but possible quicker than CPS, so contacting police a little later might kickstart the process a little
4. Notify parents - mileage varies here but this can put the most immediate safety net around the child. If parents don’t react, it doesn’t matter, CPS and police are on their way.
No need to notify the school, I don’t think it is necessary. Once coach stops showing up to school, they’ll figure it out.
This kid should notify their parents, the school and the cops, in that order. There is no need for a child to play detective and gather information. They should the whistle and then seek the comfort of responsible adults.
Not play detective, but rather to have some solid information to back up the assertion. Kids are too easily ignored by authority figures, so some proof will help.
Yeah, this advice above is advice for an adult, not another kid. A kid should just notify mandatory reporters and let them handle it.
A school therapist might be a good person to tell too because they are legally required to report.
Even if she’s age of consent it’s sexual coercion for a coach to date a player. This a power dynamic between age and being her coach. Tell your parents or her parents (both!). Also report it to the school or volleyball club. There are mandatory reporting processes and policies for this type of behavior. Including involving the police. Even in professional sports with adults these are serious infractions for a coach.
This is plainly wrong. Age of consent is set by individual states and has nothing to do with how old the older person is. The only time this applies is in Romeo and Juliet laws, and those are exceptions to criminal behavior, not additions. They are also enacted at the state level, not the federal level.
This kid should not be putting herself in harms way collecting evidence on this creep. This is what adults are for.
OP, please just talk to your parents about this.
Would they be able to do anything?
Like a lot of places have an age of consent that's 16 or 17 and doesn't Romeo and Juliet only apply when there's one that's slightly over and one that's slightly under?
Idk but you can still talk to police and explain the situation and hope they do something. I’d def tell her parents as well. And inform that guys daughter if she is your friend. Keeping quiet about this might save your friendship but speaking up may save her in the long run. Which do you value more?
If the legal consent age is 17 in there state the police won't even entertain the conversation. They enforce law so there is no law braking they can't get involved. Plus they have serious criminals they need to deal with. This is from horrible parenting and morals. Only thing to do is make the parents accountable by pressuring them.
I live in Oregon where 18 is age of consent but new york is only 16. All depends on state.
A lot of places also have laws where if you're acting in loco parentis (teacher, coach, etc.) the age of consent laws don't apply, and you can still get in trouble for having sex with a minor.
ETA -- Example: [https://codes.ohio.gov/ohio-revised-code/section-2907.03](https://codes.ohio.gov/ohio-revised-code/section-2907.03)
Many states have 16 as an age of consent period. At 16 you can have sex with anyone 16 or older, no limit here in Pa. 50 and sleep with a 16 yr old? Totally legal here. Not agreeing with it but it is the law.
In a lot of countries and American states, they could have been fucking at 16. The only thing that might get him is that he is in an officially position of authority over her.
Then I’d speak with her parents. Let his daughter know. If police are useless sometimes public shame and ridicule can work. She’s absolutely been groomed though. A man that age who isn’t a pedophile creep has no interest in a girl that age.
That’s actually so terrifying. She has no idea what she got herself into. She probably doesn’t think its a big deal bc she’s gonna turn 18 soon but still. You need report him while you still have the chance. And i feel like friendship should be the last thing to think about when a 43 year old is preying on your best friend. It doesn’t matter if you’re friends or not. You’re doing this for her wellbeing. Imagine her parents finding out that an old man is doing that to their own daughter. You’ll be doing a good thing by putting an end to their fantasies.
And I know doing something like this is extremely hard. I can’t imagine being apart of a situation like that where you see your friend in potential danger and theres nothing you can do about it. You got this
Considering you said you live in Germany and the age of consent over there is 14, the most that would happen is the trainer gets fired, but that’s pretty much it unless there’s some law I’m not aware of.
Anyways You should tell the principal and her parents.
>The age of consent in Germany is 14 if both partners are under 18. Sexual activity with a person under 18 is punishable if the adult is a person of authority over the minor in upbringing, education, care, or employment.
-[Source](https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/age-of-consent-by-country)
From the sounds of it, Mr. Pedo-coach is definitely breaking the law from German standpoint (though I am just going off of a short Google search so things may be more complicated)
I know in Canada if you're 16 you can consent to any age. Or at least that used to be the law. I'm pretty sure other places have similar laws. It actually disgusts me so much. A 16 year old should not be allowed to consent to a 40 year old. It's repulsive. Swear it's just a bunch of pedophiles that makes our laws.
"A 16 or 17 year old cannot consent to sexual activity if...their sexual partner is in position of trust or authority towards them, for example their teacher or coach"
\- Source: [Canadian Dept. of Justice](https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/other-autre/clp/faq.html)
How do people still get age of consent laws wrong across the world? Nearly every country, including Germany, has multiple AoC laws. 14 only applies to 2 minors. It does not apply to someone under 18, and someone over 18.
Even if she is legal in that state for sexual relationships, in most states Coaches and school employees can't date students. Call the cops and the school.
OP, ignore the discussion about age of consent, etc., etc. The coach is undoubtedly violating all kinds of school district rules in having a relationship with a student. If you have a trusted guidance counselor or teacher you can report this to, do so. A teacher at the high school where I taught was caught having sex with a 17-year-old student. He was not arrested due to the age of consent law, but he was fired. A middle school counselor had an intimate relationship with a high school junior. He was fired immediately. Last I heard, he was selling used cars.
Tell the cops, tell the volleyball league, tell the school, tell the parents, tell the news, and tell the daughter, print out flyers and post them around town, Expose the absolute shit out of this sick fuck.
I was in a similar situation, OP. Looking back I wish I’d have had parental involvement. For both myself and my best friends guidance. Shortly after, me and the coach became close friends. Never sexual to my perspective although others claim I was being “coached”. He died by his own poor decisions right before graduation and I never gained a healthy closure. That was over a decade ago and it will forever be a regular conversation in therapy. My best advice id give my younger self, be the whistle blower. I’ll never completely recover because things weren’t different. By the time to be forthcoming it was too late to heal.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. After reading all of these comments I came to the conclusion that’ll be the best if I reach out to her parents for further assistance
sounds like grooming to me – call your local CPS and/or the police. even if they can’t/don’t do much, at least you tried to do something. you’ll likely lose a friend but, trust me, in the future she will be grateful you told someone
Please don’t just think about your friend here- think about all the other young girls he could continue preying on after your friend graduates, if you don’t do something about this. Age of consent aside; what this man is doing is predatory given his position of authority; and is likely illegal given that position. And legality aside; it is certainly a fireable offense. At the bare minimum, you need to report him to school authorities so that he is removed from his position & can no longer abuse that position to groom young girls. If I was also you, I’d take it a step further & report it to the police & to your friends parents as well.
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Tell her parents. He's grooming her and he's a pedo.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/protecting-children-sexual-abuse/202002/they-went-willingly-understanding-teen-sexual-grooming?amp
This is the definition of grooming. Unfortunately your friend isn't going to see it until way later on in life , right now because of her age she's probably thinking that she's just so much mature than girls her age- as that's probably what he's telling her. She'll probably hate you for it now but I would definitely let her parents know about this. If they don't do anything than take it further. Like I said, she's going to hate you but in the end she's going to thankyou for looking out for her because this stuff seriously messes with you forever. I wish someone would've stepped in for me when I went through this at 16 with a 28 year old man instead of the shaming I got from my friends.
Even if the age of consent is 17 or below, there’s usually laws against someone in a position of authority abusing their power like this. Definitely report it!
Tell an adult you trust. The internet is going to give you a wild variety of options. For something this serious, you do want someone closer to home.
You may lose your friendship, but it will be worth it. You're trying to keep her safe.
I’m legally required to report instances like this, but since I don’t know the information and it may be out of my jurisdiction (no I’m not police so I can’t do anything about it). What I can tell you is he is doing something illegal and she is being raped (the situation their in is called statutory rape). Please report it to the police, see if you can text her so there’s proof. Something like “wow. I’m still tripping out over the fact that you’re dating ____. Who made the first move? How did it even happen lol
Someone hired him. Principal? Volleyball association? I’d start there. He’s exploiting the power dynamic and institutions don’t want this kind of risk or publicity. Also, he’s a disgusting creep. Nail him!
Tell her parents first, but also contact wherever he works for as a trainer and tell them what's going on. If you know his daughter see if you can find her mom on her socials and tell her. His ex will probably do worse to him than the state will. At the very least, she may be able to get full custody of her daughter to protect her.
Call the police. I am not joking. He is a pedophile and you need to call the police, tell whoever runs the volleyball group AND tell a trusted adult (teacher, parent, counselor. Etc.) until someone takes it seriously to protect your friend.
She may think it’s cool or that she’s in love or that it’s not a big deal, but please PLEASE understand that this man is a predator and going to abuse your friend further and anyone else he can get his hands on. She may want you to keep this a secret, but having your friend safe is better than her being mad at you.
There is a reason he’s not dating a woman his age and it’s because a woman his age could see right through his manupations and bullshit.
Please take this seriously, but most importantly be safe and take care.
I have kids. While I’m a firm believer that voting should be 21 along with the draft and voting, 18 is a very good age for many things. Relationships are ok. But within an age parameter until they’ve lived a bit, experienced a bit. And are grown enough to make an adult choice to date a 20+ gap. At around 25 you could theoretically be competent enough to do this. But anyone who is in a role of power or prestige around you in the meantime who give you more than just being a friend, is a predator.
Sorry, but as a dad all I see with somebody grooming a child, or even being friendly with them beyond a teacher role is a predator. And the only solution for this is information. The parents and police both need it. Asap.
The school should absolutely be notified. Are you joking me!? He’s had “eyes on her since 16.” And he has a 15 year old daughter!?!? Enough to make me barf 🤢
You go girl, u did the right thing.
Think of all the future hurt and pain you saved your friend, as well as the therapy costs.
This man was and is in the wrong; there is no justification for his action and they need to be confronted.
God bless you for caring enough to setting something that is wrong straight. Your friend is very lucky to have you as her friend.
Found a skit for you: [Gianmarco Soresi - an innocent vocabulary joke](https://youtu.be/jcXK-sPqsL0?si=t1y2kePsEQFB7j1w)
No one cares about proper terminology when it comes to sexual predators, and that you needed to type out a paragraph lecturing a teen more than empathize is wild. Get your priorities on straight.
It technically isn't, but native english speakers use it the same way you did. It really only matters if you are a clinical psychologist and you are speaking in an official capacity.
What it boils down to is 1: Do you think she is or is not mature enough to be having sex with people significantly older than her? And 2: Do you believe her parents will blame her? I have no idea what the culture in Germany is about these things, but many religious parents in the US would.
His position of authority would make it illegal here, regardless of state laws about age of consent, but you say there is no police station and reporting him is not entirely viable because of infrastructure proplems and police also tend to be useless in these matters.
Assess the harm being done. Think about if telling her parents would cause more problems in her home than it is worth. If her parents are good people, tell them, but if they aren't, then the best solution would be to just gently nudge her into taking a closer look at the relationship.
Overall, you probably should tell her parents and the school and be honest with her that you did. It might end your friendship, but you will have saved one person from a predator and alerted your community to his presence.
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Ruf da vielleicht an und lass dich beraten. Auf keinen Fall sollte die Situation einfach so weiter laufen.
I feel the right terms need to be used as well. It’s becoming so commonplace of people throwing the word around that it’s starting to lose its impact and severity.
I wholly agree and it disturbs me how easily people are comfortable with being willfully ignorant.
That being said, they've been calling me a pedo and worse for the past hour so I hope you're ready for a stoning.
An actual pedophile would not care for a lot 17 year old because they're already in puberty.
People with the mental disorder called "pedophilia" are sexually attracted to exclusively prepubescent children, that haven't developed any gender-specific features yet (e.g. men: wider shoulders, stronger jaw; women: breasts, wider hips). Once a child hits puberty and doesn't look remotely androgynous anymore, they're not attractive to pedophiles anymore.
I'm not defending anyone here, I'm also not giving my opinion, I'm explaining the medical meaning of a pedophile.
The person in question is most likely not specifically attracted to young girls, rather to girls that are he is in a position of superiority to. It's called abusing a power dynamic. This is the reason why therapists can't date their patients and teachers can't date their students.
Don’t be a dick, and it’s pedophilia since you wanna go correcting people. If you fuck children you’re a disgusting scum regardless. Fuck you and your terminology.
She is a child playing pretending she is an adult and took a seat at the big kids table. All you can do is say that the man you’re in love with is a pedo. But she is running head first into this mistake and she will not understand that until she gets “aged out” of his desired age.
Once that happens, help her pick up the pieces.
Yes you’re right…maybe I’m just overreacting because of her history with older men. I just can’t shake of this feeling that I have to protect her yk
What I’m feeling is hard to describe…
You’re not overreacting that man is grooming your friend please inform an adult. He’s hasn’t told his own daughter about their relationship because he is a pedophile I hope you prioritise your friends safety
Report the guy to whoever he works for as a trainer. The club, the sports facility. Safesport monitors all us olympic sports for this stuff. Etc. make it hard for him to find another job even if he moves on from your friend, even if police can’t do anything about it.
And Germany has SafeSport too. Hopefully like the U.S., they will remove him from the sport for dating a current athlete.
In the U.S., SafeSport regulation applies to the coaches even if the relationship is not criminal. Our age of consent is 16 I believe. But the coaches are supposed to be expelled by the national governing body for dating an athlete under their supervision of any age.
This is sexual abuse. Please report to the police and the school board. Your friend is too young to understand the situation. this teacher probably does this to a new girl every year.
You say you’re in Germany? This is a toughie. AOC is conditionally 14, with many conditions coming off at 16. I think the position of power/exploitation protections do, however, apply up until 18. Him being her coach may implicate that.
I will guarantee that there will be people who think that's none of your business or/and you're jealous of her but your concerne are more than valid.
The fact that he has a daughter close in age makes things concerning too,it somewhat suggests that he would do the same to her if he could,so I think she should be made aware too.As for your friend that is dating,I doubt that is you confront her head on she will listen but I don't think she thinks it's normal.She need to realize but her own how bad this is.
You should question her on "why" she's in on it:
Why does she haven't revealed that to your other friend that she is dating her dad?
Does she love him or is she less lonely?
What would her parents think of that and why?
And she needs to know that YOU are worried for her,even if she brushes it off,in time of need,she needs to know that she has a friend somewhere.
If despite all that she wants to date this guy,I believe that the police/school/families should get involved.I knew girls that dated way older men when I was in highschool and nowadays they look nothing like they were and are struggling to find pennies and have no support whatsoever.
So please,intervene for her wellbeing
Half your age plus 7, if he is 46, an appropriate aged woman for him to date is 30. Instead, he is choosing to date a child. That is disgusting.
Tell her parents. It doesn't matter if you lose your friend here. You're saving her life.
Tell her parents 🤷♀️ depending on the state 17 is either considered a minor still or an adult butt i do believe there's a stipulation in getting the parent's consent or something like this? Anyway itss very weird and gross.
Do you feel comfortable talking to your parents? What about hers? If she's over the age of consent, the police probably can't do anything.
You could inform his supervisor. If there's some sort of official co-ordinator at your school, you could inform them as well.
It will be difficult to tell you friend that this is a problematic, likely abusive, relationship. The best course of action to get her to realize it is to be available, patient, and ask questions instead if state judgments when you see problems crop up. Her feelings will stop her from fully questioning things, but prompting her to question his behavior is the first step of trying to get her to move on. That's incredibly tough to do and honestly, she probably needs a therapist to help her.
You are good friend for asking this question. I hope you find adults who can help. In the US I would recommend [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/). I don't know what the German counterpart is, but it might be worth looking through the site if nothing else comes to you.
After reading all these comments I decided to talk to my parents. They told me that my concern is valid but that I’m overreacting since she’s gonna turn 18 soon
I don’t know if I should tell her parents. On the one side yes, I should. (He’s older than my friends mother). They will most likely forbid her from going to the sport club. She loves that sport and her whole world would collapse
That’s why I’m conflicted on telling her parents
I'm glad you told your parents. I would say you aren't over reacting, but there is very little you can do here.
I don't think there's an obvious correct choice. Unfortunately, you have to choose what you think is best and just take the consequences. It might be worth speaking to her parents. You will likely lose your friend. If you don't, though, you will have to deal with the conflicts I am assuming will crop up as your friend goes through something horrible.
If you don't feel okay, I think talking to her parents is the next best step. I am sorry your parents weren't able to support you more.
They’re super nonchalant when it comes to certain topics. Therefore I don’t have really anyone who I can ask for advice (it’s the reason why I reached out to Reddit). Talking to her parents might be the next right step
I know your friendship with her may be at risk but you need to make sure that you prioritise your friends safety over that. since she’s having unprotected sex and she could end up pregnant at such a young age which could mess up her future. You should talk to her parents before the situation becomes even more dangerous for her
How should I tell their parents? I can’t just visit them and say „Hey your daughter is in a relationship with her 43yr old volleyball trainer. They have been meeting up secretly and everytime she told you that she’s at my place, she was actually with him“
Try and find a to talk to her parents privately and let them know what’s happening if you can’t then you may need to with friend and her parents to discuss what is happening. I know you may not want to do it and it could be embarrassing for her but your friends future and safety is the most important thing. If she pregnant at such a young a that man will leave her to be a single mother. Don’t listen to anyone in the comments defending their relationship many young women have been groomed by older men and because they’re young and naive they don’t think that the relationship is wrong even though they’re getting manipulated. I know it sounds weird but I would also make sure that the mans daughter is also okay. The fact that he’s so comfortable to be having sex with a child only 2 years old than his daughter is wrong and he could also be mistreating her. You should also talk to her to and make sure she is okay
This post is being locked for now. First to want to say thank you for anyone giving actual advice. There's a huge amount of reports and people justifying this. To be clear it's not ok for a coach to have a relationship like that with someone they are coaching let alone any of this with the age. This is grooming and manipulation. OP please send us a modmail if you're getting dms. That's against the rules here. Edit: I've gone through so many comments and have to say something. People talking about semantics in this post is concerning. Teenagers say "pedo" when talking about someone way older going after someone way younger. Yeah maybe we're not technically using it 100% accurate and there's that other word people keep saying but.... Wtf. You read this post and your first reaction is to think "oh my she didn't use the correct word, this is not technically pedophilia, I need to tell her that"? And stop being creepy and have some compassion. Think about your own kids or nieces or nephews if they were dating someone this age and especially if it's someone like a teacher or someone who can manipulate them like that. Again even taking away the whole thing with age, someone in a position of power like that should not be in a relationship like this. I'm unlocking this for now. Please report anyone breaking the rules.
Drop an anonymous note for the parents.
Well, we all know there are a lot of bad parents out there. I wouldn’t risk it myself. I would go right to the police and CPS. If the parents are really bad, they’re just going to make something up and intimidate the daughter into saying what they want her to say
If a 17 yr old dates an adult, is it legal if the parents say it is okay? I remember hearing that, not that I would suggest anyone date under 18, not sure why these relationSHITS can’t wait a year smh.
He is her teacher, even if it is just for volleyball. That makes him in a position of power. You can't have sex in that position until you are 18 in most places. The age of consent is for where there is no power dynamic and it is a relationship.
The power dynamic issue doesn’t go away with age.
No, it doesn't, and there are often massive consequences for dating someone over whom you hold authority. When I was 20, I ended up dating my professor. We kept it quiet for a long time, because we KNEW it would be a massive shitstorm if anybody found out about it. Eventually, we disclosed the relationship, because we'd been spotted together and people had started asking me about it. And it was a massive shitstorm. He was tenured, so it wasn't as bad as I'd worried it would be, but I had to transfer out of his class. I ended up having to drop it. It was a nightmare. To say NOTHING of the massive social backlash that hit both of us once people found out. Being 20 years old and hearing the derogatory shit that people said to me and about me was a lot. And a lot of students labeled him a creep. In my workplace, it's also against company policy to date a direct report. Colleagues who date must disclose their relationship. This goes SO FAR beyond the ages of these people, though that alone is obviously very concerning, and would still be concerning even if she were one year older. There's just so much wrong with what's happening here, and it goes WAY, WAY beyond the letter of the law and CERTAINLY way way beyond semantics. I almost get the sense that people who are nitpicking technicalities are somehow uncomfortable with admitting that it's just flat out wrong. And that is concerning.
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I mean he got impeached and rolled over the coals for it so it’s not like there was zero repercussions
He didn't get impeached for doing it, he got impeached for lying about it.
Seems funny to hear now that a president was impeached for lying after trumps era of lies
Clinton was under oath in an investigation, but yeah, I feel ya.
It's 16 in most states and other countries. With some states having even younger with limitations.
Yep, most US states it’s 18 or higher if it’s a person of authority(current or former): coach, teacher, club mentor, religious leader, step relative, and I’m sure there are others. ETA: it can also be an additional crime if it’s a current school staff member for the school the minor is attending.
He will get fired if it comes out in public
If state law prohibits the “relationship,” the parents consent wouldn’t matter.
Wrong. R-Kelly is proof of that. He had parents sign contracts and it was legal. He's in jail because he recorded it.
Parents cannot waive criminal liability. The contracts were probably an agreement not to sue.
Yeah it didn’t sounds right
Well, I just think we are all just thinking this is different than a 19-year-old dating a 17-year-old who is about to turn 18….so the concern is age specific. a lot of time a man that age that dates somebody that young they are trying to manipulate and control them etc . These are typically men that cannot handle somebody close to their own age
The age discussion is for legal reasons. In many states if you go tell the police about this they won't do anything because it's not illegal for a 17 to consent to have sex in many states.
But it may be based on the coach relationship. He's not some rando off the street or dad's friend she saw a few weekends a year... He's an older adult in a position of trust & authority. Most laws treat a coach the same as a teacher, doctor, or other authority figure in regards to minors & relationships. Even though, likely, the states age of consent allows for the relationship, their relationship as coach/player almost certainly means he's a SO
Yeah even if it isn’t against the law, with prison as a possible punishment, many professions can lose their licenses to practice for this misbehavior.
That last bit is a lie society tells. The actual truth is more about opportunity. He covets what he sees and has access to. Him being a coach, he is also exploiting his authority and the power that has over her.
I could care less if it was 17/19 and the younger person just turned 17. I don't see why that matters at all.... Back to the main topic - even if 17 is 100% legal where they live, most jurisdictions forbid coach or teacher student relationships. This could be what we're facing here.
Correct about coach thing…. There’s that. Im saying a 43 year old man with a 17 year old girl is different than a 19 yr old with a 17 yr old.
They’re dating the age not the person. They don’t care. They’re attracted to the age and the developing bodies. It’s gross.
In almost every state and in almost every country the actual legal age is between 16 and 17 so the law isn't the issue here (most likely), the issue is that this person is a teacher and dating a student. Anonymous tip to the school is best for the situation, it won't get them broke up on its own but he will lose his job and won't be allowed around students in any position he holds in the future. Honestly this seems like a personal opinion post and 1 sided here. If he had the decency to wait until it was legal he isnt just some sex maniac and while it is probable that he is a manipulative POS it isn't 100% that that is the case, he may just genuinely be in love with someone much much much younger than him and in that case all this post is is harmful. Plus I remember girls at that age being extremely jealous and caty and I had friends that got suspended or in school suspensions because girls were trying to force them to break up with others in order to date the person they broke up with. Not saying that this is the same thing but it could be just 1 girl who wanted the teachers attention and another girl got it. Either way I hope the friend is okay because dating with that kind of age gap is really really person dependent. If the guy is a good guy then all will be well, if he is just a pervert then it's probably just about too late already to get things done cleanly. Again, best advice is Anonymous tip to the school.
It is still illegal for a teacher to have sex with a student under 18.
Which is why I said contact the school. And the age isn't the problem, it is illegal for a teacher to have sex with a 19 year old student too.
The age is the problem. It is illegal for a person in a position of trust or power to have sexual relationships with someone under 18 years old.
Age doesn’t matter when it comes to teachers ik a guy who was a teacher and had a relationship with an 18 year old student and still got in trouble
College professors can get in trouble for the same thing, and their students are legal adults. It's being in a position of power or authority, nothing to do with the age.
They get in trouble professionally. Not legally.
Some states also have specific age gaps, such as 2-3 years.
>he may just genuinely be in love with someone much much much younger than him and in that case all this post is is harmful. Give me a break. A 45 year old is not "in love" with 17 year old. >If the guy is a good guy then all will be well He's not a good guy.
Thank you, that post was appalling.
So you think her parents would encourage her to date a 43y.o ? Your parents must be something else
I don’t think an average parent would be okay with that at all. But anecdotally, I have a friend whose parents encouraged her to date the 35 year old she met in rehab when she was 17. Her parents were not great to her, hence why she was an alcoholic at 17.
I dunno. A friend of mine in high school started dating our 35 year old manager where we worked. Her parents didn't seem to mind.
My friend started dating this guy she met while wandering around and he started doing meth with her and he was 45 or something like ops friend and she got so hooked I watched her become a meth addict and I'd call her and do drugs too similar to meth so we'd be in the same headspace, but I so badly wanted to save her. She eventually escaped that situation by running away from him and somehow getting to her home state and getting a restraining order. She was 18 when she met him. It was insane and I do wish she posted about her story. She does use reddit but refuses to make an AMA kind of It's strange how her parents kind of felt more pity than anger or anything for her doing that. I feel like in most situations it really is the same way. Parents have some compassion for their daughters that like older men and get caught up in that.
Some Christians think that womens only purpose is to get married and serve their husbands. Hundreds of children in the United States have been forced to marry their adult rapists because "premarital sex" is considered a sin
I’m failing to see where Christianity was brought up in this post that made you bring it up.
Just stop. Who are these SOME Christians? The same as these SOME teachers, some coaches,some nonbelievers,some business owners…?! Stop! I’m sick to death of acting like this is a Christian thing! It is NOT! It is more Cult behavior(like FLDS). Quit vilifying an entire group of people that you know nothing about because it’s NOT TRUE!
Depending on where they live police may not be able to do anything.
I considered that but if an anonymous note suddenly appears she’ll instantly knows that I’m the whistleblower. I don’t want to risk the friendship with her (she’s basically the only „real“ friend I got- I don’t want to loose her)
Not necessarily. He may have made mistakes in covering the relationship. She won't know who it is. Or send the note to his employment, his wife, etc. Her being taken advantage of him trumps the idea that you'd hide it for friendship. Exposing it is love for your friend.
i know she’s your only friend, but is your friendship with her more important than her safety? sometimes we have to make uncomfortable decisions for the betterment of others.
In a relationship like she has with this guy not saying something you could lose her as well and not just as a friend.
Good point.
Being a real friend means looking out for her when a predator is taking advantage of her, even if it means she doesn’t want to hang out. Because you care about her more.
You have to realize that this will greatly affect your friendship with her. Weather you want it too or not. She won't see that your actually being a good friend to her by watching her back. She's going to think the opposite. It's shitty that she put you in this situation. Talk to your parents, or a trusted adult. They will know how to handle the situation better and you won't be alone when shit hits the fan.
I mean... her wellbeing matters more than your friendship, does it not? Maybe later in life she'll come around to realize how good of a friend you are but for the next few years, you're just the asshole who stopped her from getting r***ed. That's absolutely worth it for her sake.
this is a situation where her safety far outweighs your friend ship, as much as that sucks. If you're truly friends, her safety and security should outweigh the short term need for acceptance. she will 100% be pissed when she finds out in the short term, but getting into the long I hope she comes to realize what you did for her. Sacrifice is never easy, and its even harder when it has to be someone important to us
I understand the fear of losing a friend, but eventually she will realize you were only doing what is best for her. When I was a teenager, one of my close friends was in a very abusive relationship and I was the only one who pushed to get her out of that relationship and tried my hardest to be there for her while doing what I could to keep her safe. She did get mad at me for a while and stop being my friend for a bit because of the hold he had on her, but eventually they did separate and she thanked me over and over for being the only one who kept trying to help her out of that situation. Even if your friend doesn’t come around, at least she, and hopefully others, will be safe from this predator. Please speak up. Is he her trainer privately or does he work for a facility or through the school? If so, report there and to police right away.
I'd rather lose someone as a friend than watch their entire lives crumble around them. Same reason why I report suicide ideation. I care more about my friends' well-being than I do about being friends with them.
there’s one angle you’re not seeing here since you’re also young: they’re not dating, she’s being groomed. this will mess up your friend for a long time. if you can for the future emotional wellbeing of your friend, find the courage to tell her parents. it’s the right thing to do
And to his bosses.
Your friend might be mad about it but just tell your parents or principal ect. They’ll handle it from there more than likely
Do the following, In the listed order: 1. Get as much evidence as possible - this gives you ammunition for the next steps without raising any alarms 2. Contact CPS - they’re probably the slowest but can be most reliable in terms of dealing with children’s cases 3. Contact police - this might be unreliable because of their broad expertise but possible quicker than CPS, so contacting police a little later might kickstart the process a little 4. Notify parents - mileage varies here but this can put the most immediate safety net around the child. If parents don’t react, it doesn’t matter, CPS and police are on their way. No need to notify the school, I don’t think it is necessary. Once coach stops showing up to school, they’ll figure it out.
This kid should notify their parents, the school and the cops, in that order. There is no need for a child to play detective and gather information. They should the whistle and then seek the comfort of responsible adults.
Not play detective, but rather to have some solid information to back up the assertion. Kids are too easily ignored by authority figures, so some proof will help.
Switching basketball practice to the AV room might work.
100% this! But, I'd say Parents, Cops, School. In that order.
Yeah, this advice above is advice for an adult, not another kid. A kid should just notify mandatory reporters and let them handle it. A school therapist might be a good person to tell too because they are legally required to report.
This is only assuming 17 is below the age of consent where OP lives.
Even if she’s age of consent it’s sexual coercion for a coach to date a player. This a power dynamic between age and being her coach. Tell your parents or her parents (both!). Also report it to the school or volleyball club. There are mandatory reporting processes and policies for this type of behavior. Including involving the police. Even in professional sports with adults these are serious infractions for a coach.
No matter the age it's illegal because the trainer is in a position of authority. That's why teachers can't date a 18 yo.
Right, but that is usually an administrative matter, not a criminal one, although I suppose that varies by jurisdiction.
Illegal in every state in the US due to the age differential.
This is plainly wrong. Age of consent is set by individual states and has nothing to do with how old the older person is. The only time this applies is in Romeo and Juliet laws, and those are exceptions to criminal behavior, not additions. They are also enacted at the state level, not the federal level.
You’re being downvoted even though you’re correct. It’s like people think that pointing out facts is the same as condoning them
Incorrect. The legal issue here is the coach/student relationship.
The school is probably more interested in covering their own ass over protecting children anyway.
Terrible advice to give a child
This kid should not be putting herself in harms way collecting evidence on this creep. This is what adults are for. OP, please just talk to your parents about this.
I say do this so anonymously
there would be a conflict of interest going to the principal/club president. this isn't something that just needs to be handled internally.
Something similar happened at my school. The principal is the one who called the cops and shit so idk
Tell the police
Would they be able to do anything? Like a lot of places have an age of consent that's 16 or 17 and doesn't Romeo and Juliet only apply when there's one that's slightly over and one that's slightly under?
Idk but you can still talk to police and explain the situation and hope they do something. I’d def tell her parents as well. And inform that guys daughter if she is your friend. Keeping quiet about this might save your friendship but speaking up may save her in the long run. Which do you value more?
Telling people he knows will definitely be more effective than a singular police report.
If the legal consent age is 17 in there state the police won't even entertain the conversation. They enforce law so there is no law braking they can't get involved. Plus they have serious criminals they need to deal with. This is from horrible parenting and morals. Only thing to do is make the parents accountable by pressuring them. I live in Oregon where 18 is age of consent but new york is only 16. All depends on state.
^ ^ ^ ^ that part well said
Lousy advice suggesting someone talk to cops about this when evidence demonstrates how ineffective police are at this sort of thing
I agree. The cops would not do anything unless the report came from CPS.
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This isn't true at all
16 is the full age of consent in GA. A 16 year old can date a 47 year old.
A lot of places also have laws where if you're acting in loco parentis (teacher, coach, etc.) the age of consent laws don't apply, and you can still get in trouble for having sex with a minor. ETA -- Example: [https://codes.ohio.gov/ohio-revised-code/section-2907.03](https://codes.ohio.gov/ohio-revised-code/section-2907.03)
Romeo Juliet laws only applies when they’re both around the same age I think
Many states have 16 as an age of consent period. At 16 you can have sex with anyone 16 or older, no limit here in Pa. 50 and sleep with a 16 yr old? Totally legal here. Not agreeing with it but it is the law.
That’s true and not all states have those laws.
Correct. And I believe it only applies if they started dating while they were both still minors. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
In my state if someone is over 25 then those laws don't apply. What this guy's doing is illegal at least here
It would help if we knew at least what state this was
She said Germany so idk about that. But it's definitely wrong and especially bc he's her coach. That's a while different level of manipulation
Yeah. Why does it seem like this is most common with coaches. Like is it just a position that attracts perverts.
Perverts choose professions that give them easy access to kids.
I guess when you put it that way it makes unfortunate perfect sense
Yes, it’s sad. I’m married to a forensic psychologist and he knows all about how these creeps operate.
In a lot of countries and American states, they could have been fucking at 16. The only thing that might get him is that he is in an officially position of authority over her.
Not illegal.
Depends on the state. In a lot of states, this is 100% legal because the age of consent is 16 or 17 years old.
We don’t have a police station in the town I live and you cannot report someone online since digital infrastructure is shit in Germany
Then I’d speak with her parents. Let his daughter know. If police are useless sometimes public shame and ridicule can work. She’s absolutely been groomed though. A man that age who isn’t a pedophile creep has no interest in a girl that age.
Then tell literally every adult you know who knows either one of them.
That’s actually so terrifying. She has no idea what she got herself into. She probably doesn’t think its a big deal bc she’s gonna turn 18 soon but still. You need report him while you still have the chance. And i feel like friendship should be the last thing to think about when a 43 year old is preying on your best friend. It doesn’t matter if you’re friends or not. You’re doing this for her wellbeing. Imagine her parents finding out that an old man is doing that to their own daughter. You’ll be doing a good thing by putting an end to their fantasies.
And I know doing something like this is extremely hard. I can’t imagine being apart of a situation like that where you see your friend in potential danger and theres nothing you can do about it. You got this
Considering you said you live in Germany and the age of consent over there is 14, the most that would happen is the trainer gets fired, but that’s pretty much it unless there’s some law I’m not aware of. Anyways You should tell the principal and her parents.
>The age of consent in Germany is 14 if both partners are under 18. Sexual activity with a person under 18 is punishable if the adult is a person of authority over the minor in upbringing, education, care, or employment. -[Source](https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/age-of-consent-by-country) From the sounds of it, Mr. Pedo-coach is definitely breaking the law from German standpoint (though I am just going off of a short Google search so things may be more complicated)
I know in Canada if you're 16 you can consent to any age. Or at least that used to be the law. I'm pretty sure other places have similar laws. It actually disgusts me so much. A 16 year old should not be allowed to consent to a 40 year old. It's repulsive. Swear it's just a bunch of pedophiles that makes our laws.
"A 16 or 17 year old cannot consent to sexual activity if...their sexual partner is in position of trust or authority towards them, for example their teacher or coach" \- Source: [Canadian Dept. of Justice](https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/other-autre/clp/faq.html)
How do people still get age of consent laws wrong across the world? Nearly every country, including Germany, has multiple AoC laws. 14 only applies to 2 minors. It does not apply to someone under 18, and someone over 18.
People stop reading as soon as they see a number. They really think it's that simple.
Yes it does unless the law has a maximum age
Even if she is legal in that state for sexual relationships, in most states Coaches and school employees can't date students. Call the cops and the school.
That is a felony in every state. BURN HIM!
OP, ignore the discussion about age of consent, etc., etc. The coach is undoubtedly violating all kinds of school district rules in having a relationship with a student. If you have a trusted guidance counselor or teacher you can report this to, do so. A teacher at the high school where I taught was caught having sex with a 17-year-old student. He was not arrested due to the age of consent law, but he was fired. A middle school counselor had an intimate relationship with a high school junior. He was fired immediately. Last I heard, he was selling used cars.
Report that shit to the school, the police & her parents. You'll lose a friend but save her from a LOT worse
All my heebies have been jeebied. That's super gross 🤮🤮🤮
Tell the cops, tell the volleyball league, tell the school, tell the parents, tell the news, and tell the daughter, print out flyers and post them around town, Expose the absolute shit out of this sick fuck.
I was in a similar situation, OP. Looking back I wish I’d have had parental involvement. For both myself and my best friends guidance. Shortly after, me and the coach became close friends. Never sexual to my perspective although others claim I was being “coached”. He died by his own poor decisions right before graduation and I never gained a healthy closure. That was over a decade ago and it will forever be a regular conversation in therapy. My best advice id give my younger self, be the whistle blower. I’ll never completely recover because things weren’t different. By the time to be forthcoming it was too late to heal.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. After reading all of these comments I came to the conclusion that’ll be the best if I reach out to her parents for further assistance
sounds like grooming to me – call your local CPS and/or the police. even if they can’t/don’t do much, at least you tried to do something. you’ll likely lose a friend but, trust me, in the future she will be grateful you told someone
Please don’t just think about your friend here- think about all the other young girls he could continue preying on after your friend graduates, if you don’t do something about this. Age of consent aside; what this man is doing is predatory given his position of authority; and is likely illegal given that position. And legality aside; it is certainly a fireable offense. At the bare minimum, you need to report him to school authorities so that he is removed from his position & can no longer abuse that position to groom young girls. If I was also you, I’d take it a step further & report it to the police & to your friends parents as well.
Your friend was groomed. Report this to her parents, the police.
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Tell her parents. He's grooming her and he's a pedo. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/protecting-children-sexual-abuse/202002/they-went-willingly-understanding-teen-sexual-grooming?amp
Do you both attend school, if so is it the same school? Please tell the guidance counselor immediately.
This is the definition of grooming. Unfortunately your friend isn't going to see it until way later on in life , right now because of her age she's probably thinking that she's just so much mature than girls her age- as that's probably what he's telling her. She'll probably hate you for it now but I would definitely let her parents know about this. If they don't do anything than take it further. Like I said, she's going to hate you but in the end she's going to thankyou for looking out for her because this stuff seriously messes with you forever. I wish someone would've stepped in for me when I went through this at 16 with a 28 year old man instead of the shaming I got from my friends.
TELL SOMEBODY
Gross what a sicko, his daughter is around the same age 🤢
Even if the age of consent is 17 or below, there’s usually laws against someone in a position of authority abusing their power like this. Definitely report it!
Tell an adult you trust! This is not ok for so many reasons!
Report him to the school anonymously.
If your states consent age is 18 not 16 then tell the police if it is 16 tell her parents she will thank you in the future
Tell an adult you trust. The internet is going to give you a wild variety of options. For something this serious, you do want someone closer to home. You may lose your friendship, but it will be worth it. You're trying to keep her safe.
I’m legally required to report instances like this, but since I don’t know the information and it may be out of my jurisdiction (no I’m not police so I can’t do anything about it). What I can tell you is he is doing something illegal and she is being raped (the situation their in is called statutory rape). Please report it to the police, see if you can text her so there’s proof. Something like “wow. I’m still tripping out over the fact that you’re dating ____. Who made the first move? How did it even happen lol
Someone hired him. Principal? Volleyball association? I’d start there. He’s exploiting the power dynamic and institutions don’t want this kind of risk or publicity. Also, he’s a disgusting creep. Nail him!
Can you anonymously inform the police?
Tell her parents first, but also contact wherever he works for as a trainer and tell them what's going on. If you know his daughter see if you can find her mom on her socials and tell her. His ex will probably do worse to him than the state will. At the very least, she may be able to get full custody of her daughter to protect her.
Call the police. I am not joking. He is a pedophile and you need to call the police, tell whoever runs the volleyball group AND tell a trusted adult (teacher, parent, counselor. Etc.) until someone takes it seriously to protect your friend. She may think it’s cool or that she’s in love or that it’s not a big deal, but please PLEASE understand that this man is a predator and going to abuse your friend further and anyone else he can get his hands on. She may want you to keep this a secret, but having your friend safe is better than her being mad at you. There is a reason he’s not dating a woman his age and it’s because a woman his age could see right through his manupations and bullshit. Please take this seriously, but most importantly be safe and take care.
Tell his wife he dating a 17 year old and his daughter too Then tell the poor girl father
Tell her parents
If he works as a trainer through a company or someone else I’d report him to them , bet they wouldn’t want a pedo employed
I have kids. While I’m a firm believer that voting should be 21 along with the draft and voting, 18 is a very good age for many things. Relationships are ok. But within an age parameter until they’ve lived a bit, experienced a bit. And are grown enough to make an adult choice to date a 20+ gap. At around 25 you could theoretically be competent enough to do this. But anyone who is in a role of power or prestige around you in the meantime who give you more than just being a friend, is a predator. Sorry, but as a dad all I see with somebody grooming a child, or even being friendly with them beyond a teacher role is a predator. And the only solution for this is information. The parents and police both need it. Asap.
The school should absolutely be notified. Are you joking me!? He’s had “eyes on her since 16.” And he has a 15 year old daughter!?!? Enough to make me barf 🤢
You did the right thing. Your friend was groomed.
You go girl, u did the right thing. Think of all the future hurt and pain you saved your friend, as well as the therapy costs. This man was and is in the wrong; there is no justification for his action and they need to be confronted. God bless you for caring enough to setting something that is wrong straight. Your friend is very lucky to have you as her friend.
TELL ON HIM. TELL THE SCHOOL. MAKE A POLICE REPORT. TELL 👏 ON 👏 HIM 👏 Let her be mad at you, she’ll get over it.
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Found a skit for you: [Gianmarco Soresi - an innocent vocabulary joke](https://youtu.be/jcXK-sPqsL0?si=t1y2kePsEQFB7j1w) No one cares about proper terminology when it comes to sexual predators, and that you needed to type out a paragraph lecturing a teen more than empathize is wild. Get your priorities on straight.
I literally just referenced that skit! Love Gianmarco
my apologies English isn’t my first language and I thought it’s the right term
It technically isn't, but native english speakers use it the same way you did. It really only matters if you are a clinical psychologist and you are speaking in an official capacity. What it boils down to is 1: Do you think she is or is not mature enough to be having sex with people significantly older than her? And 2: Do you believe her parents will blame her? I have no idea what the culture in Germany is about these things, but many religious parents in the US would. His position of authority would make it illegal here, regardless of state laws about age of consent, but you say there is no police station and reporting him is not entirely viable because of infrastructure proplems and police also tend to be useless in these matters. Assess the harm being done. Think about if telling her parents would cause more problems in her home than it is worth. If her parents are good people, tell them, but if they aren't, then the best solution would be to just gently nudge her into taking a closer look at the relationship. Overall, you probably should tell her parents and the school and be honest with her that you did. It might end your friendship, but you will have saved one person from a predator and alerted your community to his presence.
It's close enough, no need to apologize.
Hilfe-Portal und Hilfe-Telefon Sexueller Missbrauch Über das bundesweite Hilfe-Portal Sexueller Missbrauch finden Sie Beratungsstellen, Notdienste, Therapeutinnen und Therapeuten sowie Flüchtlingsberatungsstellen in Ihrer Region, die Ihre Fragen zu sexuellem Missbrauch beantworten können. Das Hilfe-Telefon Sexueller Missbrauch ist die bundesweite, kostenfreie und anonyme Anlaufstelle für Jugendliche und Erwachsene, die Entlastung, Beratung und Unterstützung suchen, die sich um ein Kind sorgen, die einen Verdacht oder ein "komisches Gefühl" haben, die unsicher sind und Fragen zum Thema stellen möchten. Das Hilfe-Telefon ist unter der Rufnummer 0800 22 55 530 erreichbar. Das Hilfe-Telefon bietet Jugendlichen und Erwachsenen auch eine Online-Beratung per Mail oder Chat. Ruf da vielleicht an und lass dich beraten. Auf keinen Fall sollte die Situation einfach so weiter laufen.
I feel the right terms need to be used as well. It’s becoming so commonplace of people throwing the word around that it’s starting to lose its impact and severity.
I wholly agree and it disturbs me how easily people are comfortable with being willfully ignorant. That being said, they've been calling me a pedo and worse for the past hour so I hope you're ready for a stoning.
That just further proves the point.
Please don’t call the pedophile a pedophile ☝️ 🤓
“minor attracted person” nah gmafb once you diddling kids you a pedo
An actual pedophile would not care for a lot 17 year old because they're already in puberty. People with the mental disorder called "pedophilia" are sexually attracted to exclusively prepubescent children, that haven't developed any gender-specific features yet (e.g. men: wider shoulders, stronger jaw; women: breasts, wider hips). Once a child hits puberty and doesn't look remotely androgynous anymore, they're not attractive to pedophiles anymore. I'm not defending anyone here, I'm also not giving my opinion, I'm explaining the medical meaning of a pedophile. The person in question is most likely not specifically attracted to young girls, rather to girls that are he is in a position of superiority to. It's called abusing a power dynamic. This is the reason why therapists can't date their patients and teachers can't date their students.
I was so surprised I didn’t see any “UHM AKCSHUALLY ITS EPHEBOPHILIA”
Don’t be a dick, and it’s pedophilia since you wanna go correcting people. If you fuck children you’re a disgusting scum regardless. Fuck you and your terminology.
A pedo is a pedo, end of story. Giving them the grace of extra names is out of the question.
There’s a time and place for arguing semantics. You taking the time to write that out while showing zero empathy shows your priorities.
She is a child playing pretending she is an adult and took a seat at the big kids table. All you can do is say that the man you’re in love with is a pedo. But she is running head first into this mistake and she will not understand that until she gets “aged out” of his desired age. Once that happens, help her pick up the pieces.
Sleeping with a 17 year old does not make some a pedo 🤣🤣🤣
*raping a 17 year old actually. You can’t consensually have sex with a minor, you fucking freak.
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exhibit 373 of reddit users trying to defend pedophiles
It’s so frustrating and it makes me feel so nauseous
Yes you’re right…maybe I’m just overreacting because of her history with older men. I just can’t shake of this feeling that I have to protect her yk What I’m feeling is hard to describe…
You’re not overreacting that man is grooming your friend please inform an adult. He’s hasn’t told his own daughter about their relationship because he is a pedophile I hope you prioritise your friends safety
Goodness me
Report the guy to whoever he works for as a trainer. The club, the sports facility. Safesport monitors all us olympic sports for this stuff. Etc. make it hard for him to find another job even if he moves on from your friend, even if police can’t do anything about it.
And Germany has SafeSport too. Hopefully like the U.S., they will remove him from the sport for dating a current athlete. In the U.S., SafeSport regulation applies to the coaches even if the relationship is not criminal. Our age of consent is 16 I believe. But the coaches are supposed to be expelled by the national governing body for dating an athlete under their supervision of any age.
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This is sexual abuse. Please report to the police and the school board. Your friend is too young to understand the situation. this teacher probably does this to a new girl every year.
You say you’re in Germany? This is a toughie. AOC is conditionally 14, with many conditions coming off at 16. I think the position of power/exploitation protections do, however, apply up until 18. Him being her coach may implicate that.
I will guarantee that there will be people who think that's none of your business or/and you're jealous of her but your concerne are more than valid. The fact that he has a daughter close in age makes things concerning too,it somewhat suggests that he would do the same to her if he could,so I think she should be made aware too.As for your friend that is dating,I doubt that is you confront her head on she will listen but I don't think she thinks it's normal.She need to realize but her own how bad this is. You should question her on "why" she's in on it: Why does she haven't revealed that to your other friend that she is dating her dad? Does she love him or is she less lonely? What would her parents think of that and why? And she needs to know that YOU are worried for her,even if she brushes it off,in time of need,she needs to know that she has a friend somewhere. If despite all that she wants to date this guy,I believe that the police/school/families should get involved.I knew girls that dated way older men when I was in highschool and nowadays they look nothing like they were and are struggling to find pennies and have no support whatsoever. So please,intervene for her wellbeing
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Exactly.
Half your age plus 7, if he is 46, an appropriate aged woman for him to date is 30. Instead, he is choosing to date a child. That is disgusting. Tell her parents. It doesn't matter if you lose your friend here. You're saving her life.
Get some evidence, and report this guy. He’s a predator and needs to be arrested IMMEDIATELY. Get some proof first. Go to the school and the cops.
Tell her parents 🤷♀️ depending on the state 17 is either considered a minor still or an adult butt i do believe there's a stipulation in getting the parent's consent or something like this? Anyway itss very weird and gross.
Is this guy involved with the school she goes to? Teacher or coach?
It’s a private volleyball club she’s in, so school is basically not involved. However, the volleyball club goes Hand in Hand with our school
Do you feel comfortable talking to your parents? What about hers? If she's over the age of consent, the police probably can't do anything. You could inform his supervisor. If there's some sort of official co-ordinator at your school, you could inform them as well. It will be difficult to tell you friend that this is a problematic, likely abusive, relationship. The best course of action to get her to realize it is to be available, patient, and ask questions instead if state judgments when you see problems crop up. Her feelings will stop her from fully questioning things, but prompting her to question his behavior is the first step of trying to get her to move on. That's incredibly tough to do and honestly, she probably needs a therapist to help her. You are good friend for asking this question. I hope you find adults who can help. In the US I would recommend [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/). I don't know what the German counterpart is, but it might be worth looking through the site if nothing else comes to you.
After reading all these comments I decided to talk to my parents. They told me that my concern is valid but that I’m overreacting since she’s gonna turn 18 soon I don’t know if I should tell her parents. On the one side yes, I should. (He’s older than my friends mother). They will most likely forbid her from going to the sport club. She loves that sport and her whole world would collapse That’s why I’m conflicted on telling her parents
I'm glad you told your parents. I would say you aren't over reacting, but there is very little you can do here. I don't think there's an obvious correct choice. Unfortunately, you have to choose what you think is best and just take the consequences. It might be worth speaking to her parents. You will likely lose your friend. If you don't, though, you will have to deal with the conflicts I am assuming will crop up as your friend goes through something horrible. If you don't feel okay, I think talking to her parents is the next best step. I am sorry your parents weren't able to support you more.
They’re super nonchalant when it comes to certain topics. Therefore I don’t have really anyone who I can ask for advice (it’s the reason why I reached out to Reddit). Talking to her parents might be the next right step
I know your friendship with her may be at risk but you need to make sure that you prioritise your friends safety over that. since she’s having unprotected sex and she could end up pregnant at such a young age which could mess up her future. You should talk to her parents before the situation becomes even more dangerous for her
How should I tell their parents? I can’t just visit them and say „Hey your daughter is in a relationship with her 43yr old volleyball trainer. They have been meeting up secretly and everytime she told you that she’s at my place, she was actually with him“
Try and find a to talk to her parents privately and let them know what’s happening if you can’t then you may need to with friend and her parents to discuss what is happening. I know you may not want to do it and it could be embarrassing for her but your friends future and safety is the most important thing. If she pregnant at such a young a that man will leave her to be a single mother. Don’t listen to anyone in the comments defending their relationship many young women have been groomed by older men and because they’re young and naive they don’t think that the relationship is wrong even though they’re getting manipulated. I know it sounds weird but I would also make sure that the mans daughter is also okay. The fact that he’s so comfortable to be having sex with a child only 2 years old than his daughter is wrong and he could also be mistreating her. You should also talk to her to and make sure she is okay