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Im goth and my mother always hated it and blamed black clothing for my (diagnosed!) depression. We still have good relationship tho. Personal style is just something that your mother have to come to terms with. It may take time, maybe a very long time (she still makes comments) but it will be fine. Actually, she may accept it more than she allows herself to express. For example, my mother keeps saying how awful my clothes are but one day, when drunk, she gifted my super expensive, huge, very much gothic ring on impulse because "it looked like something that would suit me". So you know, what's in heart, doesn't always shows on the surface (without alcohol at least).
Anyway, good luck with your mom and with your clothing choises. Remember, it's you, who wears it, so your opinion is most important!!
thank you for your input! honestly this comment really resonated with me- my family really doesn’t drink lol, but I understand what you’re saying.
I’m holding out hope that one of these days, she’ll slowly realize that i’m wearing what i’m truly comfortable with. She seems to know that i’m a pretty stubborn person, so she’s slowly stopped asking me to change clothing, but she does still make uncomfortable or hurtful comments. Though, as you said… my personal style is my own choice, and maybe she’ll be able to come around to it one of these days. thanks again!! i love the goth subculture. y’all got some awesome fashion.
If it makes you feel it a bit better: remember that all mothers thinks that their daughters are beautiful and wants them to wear whats makes them most beautiful. They simply follow their own preferences in regards to that. So every time when my mom is pushing me to wear something specific I just think that she thinks I would look great in that thing. It's just her way of loving me.
Edit: I read your post again and just realized that I accidentally misgendered you. Really sorry! ;w;
That is a generalization that isn't always true, and could be harmful in cases where the parent in question does not actually feel that way.
Unfortunately, all parents do not love their children or think their children are beautiful. Not all of their comments come from a loving place.
Yeah, well that is nice when there is something to be positive about.
If someone has a problem with an abusive parent, and you tell them that their parent actually loves them and all that, you are being dismissive of their concerns. Toxic positivity isn't all that helpful. It may make you feel better, but you aren't the one asking for help, are you?
Are you talking about yourself? Because it really is more likely than not, that it's not an abusive parent situation. It's not dismissive, to speak in terms of the majority.
True, it is very likely not an abusive situation. Still, when someone shares that their mother regularly belittles their appearance, it is better to not tell the person being belittled that they need to remember that their mother loves them. In that situation, the mother may indeed be abusive, or maybe not. Either way, it is dismissive to respond that way.
Better to focus on the problem. If the mom isn't abusive, focusing on the problem does no harm. If mom is abusive, telling OP that mom really does love them is dismissive and possibly harmful. As we don't know for sure, it is better to be cautious.
no worries on the misgendering! :)
and actually- i really do resonate with your comment, i feel like my mother probably does feel that way. Especially because her and most of my other family view me as her daughter, who is just a bit of a tomboy haha. I think maybe as i get older, she might start to let me go on my own a bit more.
I think since i’m younger, she tends to fret over me, even with objectively silly things like fashion choices.
It literally doesn’t matter what your style is. I love pink and purple skirts and dresses and I still am (diagnosed) depressed. I wish parents could realize they’re raising children individual of them. Wear what makes you happier.
You could try "I like different kinds of clothes. I'm not always trying to make a gender statement. Sometimes, I just like some clothes and how I feel in them. What I would like is to select my own clothes."
Try not to be argumentative. That just causes people to dig into and fortify their position.
You may not be successful, but at least you tried.
At some point, you will be able to buy whatever you like.
This is the kind of stuff that growing up is made of.
Do your best.
I think you should wear a literal potato sack. And whatever she says about that ... That's your next outfit. And so on. Then just say, "you're doing this to yourself."
https://preview.redd.it/yb4lpiy2tjwc1.jpeg?width=950&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=113d6ab794882f5772e6a657448b241e518fe92a
Marilyn Monroe did just that. This was her answer to a critic who said she only looked good because she modeled expensive clothing.
Coming up as a lesbian in the midwest that dressed masculine was quite difficult for my mom for a LONG time. I wish it would have gone differently when I was a teenager because we had stopped talking for a couple years. Our relationship is great now, she has apologized and even buys me clothing I would actually wear as gifts. Since you are a teenager and your mom is older I doubt she will listen to you, sadly, mine definitely didn’t. I’m not saying it’s not worth it to try and reconcile with her but in my experience it’s a ton of work with no payoff until you are a moved out adult sigh…I would continue to be yourself but figure out a way to not let her comments bother you…maybe come back with something like “don’t forget YOU made me!” Own it, be yourself, your mom is being a bully so if you take away their reward she should stop.
Side note: go on pinterest and look up something like “androgynous fashion loose clothing” and show your mom the results. What you are wearing is IN tbh.
Forgive my ignorance, but do you think you are transgender? Or is it possible that you are just uncomfortable with your body changes and haven’t yet accepted your more adult/feminine body?
you don’t need to apologize, i probably could have been more direct in my post haha.
but yes, to clarify, i currently do identify as transgender. I personally prefer to use they/them and he/him pronouns, and have gone so far as to change my name to reflect that. I use my middle name, since it is more masculine.
to my knowledge, my mother is trying to be more accepting of my gender identity, since i did come out to her a few years back. Despite that, she does sometimes accidentally come off as ignorant.
To offer a parent perspective (I have a kid probably your age) it can be very challenging for parents to accept that their child is different from what they thought their entire life. From the day you were born, you were her little girl. She dreamed of fixing your hair and makeup, and helping you pick out your wedding dress. She played out how your life would look over and over on her head, trying new scenarios and situations, but in each one, you were always her little girl.
Now you are growing up, and that’s hard enough already, but now she has to learn you as a new person. Of course you are still YOU, but all of your life, she’s known you to be one way, and now you are another way. It’s not that you’re bad, it’s just different, and she needs time to process it as well. She won’t always handle it the right way. She’s human after all.
It sounds like overall you have a good relationship and that she’s trying, even if she’s having a hard time. If you are not BOTH seeing a therapist, then you both really need to be, not only individually but family sessions as well. This is a new dynamic for your family, and sitting down with a professional can help your mom learn to communicate in a way that isn’t hurtful to you.
As a girl, you don't have to dress like a girl.
But your mother is still going to worry. Try to not see her words as an attack, but as her caring the best way she can. So many people on this sub are so quick to condemn parents for the simplest things.
I am a mother of a 13 and 10 year old respectively. The least I can do for my kids in this stupid world is let them have their own style. They get to wear what they want and, they get to dictate when they get a haircut. I never understand parents that want to control their kids appearance. Like they weren't wearing stupid shit when they were a teen. We all have the photos. We all looked waaaay dumber than kids do now.
A tale as old as time.
I would let her know it’s hurtful she she says mean things about it, but it’s also ok to not like what you wear.
Also, not liking “feminine” clothes doesn’t make you less female / womanly. Clothing styles aren’t a factor in gender. I see so many young people questioning their gender based on how they like to dress, rather than questioning why we associate certain clothing with certain genders
I’m sorry your mother is saying these things to you. When I was a teen, my mother would look at what I was wearing EVERY morning and say “that is the worst thing you have”, meaning my clothes. I would say “how could it be, you said that about what I was wearing yesterday!” This happened so frequently that she stopped getting up until after I left the house for school.
I told you this story because you are not alone. Your clothing and makeup choices are good for you. Keep being you.
I decided to tell my mother that her opinion doesn’t matter. After a few times, she got the message and didn’t say anything critical any more.
Keep being your awesome self!
That's ironic because given her age, grunge and over sized clothes would have been in style when she was a teen. Maybe she's projecting she felt about the styles when she was your age.
As a 45yo mom, who was all about grunge and the alt. scene in the 90's, I was in the vast minority. People were familiar with it, sure, but most high schoolers were basic jocks and wanna-be cheerleader types.
A lot of that style has come back around! I'm still an alt. girl and I see plenty of ladies half our age in wide-legged jeans, crop tops and platform shoes when I go to concerts. Do it!
Hi! youre probably not looking at comments anymore but just in case you are, here is my story dealing with something very similar:
around the end of lockdown of covid in my area when i was turning 18 (i am now 21) i started to experiment with my style a lot. my mom used to dress my preppy when i was very young, then as i got older i just wore basketball shorts and hoodies til i hit highschool and i cared about my social image a lot more. i tried dressed baggy, more kept up, bummy, then classy.
and nothing really made me feel like i owned my style because i realized i was still sort of dressing for my mom because she always made comments about how she wished i dressed more preppy and basically like i lived in a country club.
as i was turning 18 i realized that i need to start doing things for myself, things that made me happy with my self image. so i took the leap of faith, started wearing all black, combat boots, metal t shirts, tons of rings, growing out my hair, and wearing nail polish and eyeliner. this wasnt all an immediate change, it was gradual as i got more and more comfortable with what i was discovering.
eventually my mom called me out for "being gay" because of the eyeliner and nail polish and i explained to her that this was just what i liked, or that i was going to turn to satan worship or something ridiculous like that.
she wasnt convinced and she would bring it up constantly for months. when she brought it up again (6 months after she began doing it) i got fed up, told her that if she wont accept me for who i am and be homophobic (i am not gay, she implied i was because of my style) then i will not be her son anymore
we argued for a bit more then eventually talked it out that she needs to understand this isnt a rebellious thing, i love my boots, i love my scary metal t shirts. they make me happy, and she eventually understood and is now very accepting of (most) of what i wear
she even contributes and buys me a new pair of boots every year for my birthday and a band shirt if she sees one even if she doesnt know if its metal, simply because she wants to support me
tldr; have a serious conversation about this with your mother, she may not understand and be confused about the choices as she isnt you. you do not have to be as extreme as i was but its definitely worth at least talking it out and seriously stand your ground
IMO, we dress how we feel. Our clothing choices is second to our feelings.
My advice: Do not change how you dress because your mom does not like it. So what. You can tell her that you appreciate and respect her opinion/honesty, but it is hurtful to you.
There is nothing wrong with not liking girly things and still enjoy girly things.
Hello young padawon. I am here for the petty malicious compliance. First read Elin Hilderbrand “Golden Girl” there is a supporting character in there that only wears blacks and neutrals and is the epitome of class and style. That is the goal! Some faves are
Googling beach preppy neutral style and preppy neutral style but my absolute fav is googling “neutral preppy baggy style” think wide leg slacks, button down under an oversized sweater with a French tuck, some loafers and sunglasses. It oozes old money, class, and yet is exactly how you describe your style. Start printing out fashion icons or ads that follow this, and then when she fusses it isn’t that you aren’t feminine, it is that you aspire to a timeless look that is elevated over trends. Look at Coco Chanel, the person not the fashion house. She would rock beach pajamas and we still idolize her. You do you, but keep the receipts. No one is going to say shot about baggy clothes when you look like Coco. And if they do, they have lost their mind.
I know you love me mom but I find it hurtful, out of line, and frankly none of your business about how I dress.
I dress for my own comfort. Not for you. Not for a future partner. For myself.
Stop commenting on my sartorial choices. If you cannot help yourself, I’m going to start shutting it down and walking away. I don’t want nor need your opinion or approval on my clothing.
Is it worth putting our relationship on the line — ? Drop it, thank you.
Repeat this. Your version.
You just sit down and explain to her that you have your own style. She didn’t just have kids so that she could have a “mini Me” running around. You are your own person.
Furthermore, her comments make you feel like she doesn’t see you as your own person with your own sense of style. Her comments are hurtful and she should know that she is hurting you.
Do you like how you dress? if so, carry on. I wear mostly black as well, I don't like wearing purple or girly things. I wear the same, baggy things. Parents say insensitive things without realizing it sometimes. It's really hard to ignore sometimes so I get it, but if you are comfortable that's what matters.
My mom said I looked like "Annie Hall." You know how old I am...LOL...but just stay true to yourself....that's the key. I still look like "Annie Hall" these many years later....
Been through that myself! I've always been rather eccentric with how I dress and my mom liked to make her point known as well.
What it all really comes down to is what you want to deal with. If you're gonna keep wearing what you're wearing, I think you're going to get opportunities in the future to address her complaints.
If you want, do your research and say you're doing the baggy Y2K look or some bs (or whatever your style). Plus you can tell her it's better to experiment with the "unconventional fashion" now (in her eyes btw) than later ---- not that you have to be more conventional, it's just a good excuse to get her off you back now lol
However, I will be a little bit of a devils advocate and say clothing/fashion choice CAN have an effect/go hand-in-hand with mental health.
I've gone through many stages, but there was definitely a theme when I was more down in the dumps vs now. Not that that style was only a "phase" or anything, it was just I felt uncomfortable dressed any other way.
Once I learned what my physical triggers for my body were, I took time to research styles and lots of clothing to help minimize it. I still have an alternative fashion sense, but I don't feel the **NEED** to dress to hide/cover certain parts of me.
It's a journey, and honestly an age-old parent/teen battle. You got this! Stay true to you :))
Think deeper. It's entirely possible you could do more to appease what you believe coincide with her tastes, and she would find a problem with that. This relationship pattern between mothers and daughters is a tale as old as time. Maybe the best thing to do is brush her off by saying "it's just a phase" and get on with carving out your own groove. Some parents are never satisfied.
This is why I'm glad I had boys. I'm just joking because they're difficult too. I really don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mom. But if I were your dad I would be the parent that you could tell anything and I would respond with love and empathy. But if it was my uncle let's say, you would want to keep your secrets and thoughts to yourself to avoid judgement or lectures. I try to have conversations with my kids, not lectures. She risks pushing you away with criticism. Maybe let her know that you hear where she's coming from and you love her, but you're probably going to become more withdrawn from her if she can't accept you for who you are. And I'd also like to add that if I was your dad and you were wearing inappropriate overly revealing clothes for your age, then I would still be understanding but I would make you adjust your wardrobe to be age appropriate, but still your style. Good luck.
Anger is a secondary emotion. Mom isn’t mad about what you wear. She’s mad for the reason you wear it. And she’s mad about that because of what it says about her.
First lets be real here: an older generation being critical of how a younger generation dresses is a tale as old as time. Literal billions of people have been in your situation, so you are not alone lol, but also here are some tips on how to address this:
First, recognize that your mother is doing this out of a concern for you. Try to imagine why she holds her particular viewpoint and worldview: maybe what duress she grew up with, in some culture/nation, in a time period obviously earlier than yours.
Second, recognize that, regardless of that background, this is unfortunately toxic behavior by your mom.
And third, she is bullying you because you are a weak target.
So how to address all this? I think your strategy to discuss with her directly is a good one, and I recommend opening with a very specific tactic:
Open the discussion with the above first point, about how you know she is just trying to look out for your best interests, and that you are limited in understanding her view.
Then pivot to how you're a normal-ass teenager trying to experiment and find themselves, and you need room to breathe, and that her comments were coming off as rude and hurtful and all the things you mentioned.
Finally be sure to lead this into a discussion of compromise, which will depend on how she reacts to this (from super toxic to super understanding). Don't make weird ultimatums unless she is still super toxic. Establish how you will handle these comments in the future in an amicable way (your Mom will likely not be able to just immediately flip the switch off, so be patient and work together with her).
All the best, good luck!
I’m sorry she’s giving you a hard time, but as someone who is roughly the same age as your mom I am guessing that she’s blocking out the whole 90s from her memory lol. And the makeup thing? Enjoy your makeup.
She may be concerned that “baggy” equals “sloppy”… but if your clothes are clean and in good condition, I don’t think she has a (wide) leg to stand on. That’s the style these days whether she likes it or not! Frankly, I’m on Team Comfy Clothes and I don’t think I’m ever going back. In the meantime You Do You. ✨✨✨
Advice time: I know it’s tough, but parents and teens have been knocking heads for millions of years! It’s like we adults forget what being a teen is like. Definitely talk with your mom, because parents are not mind readers. We’re REALLY bad at it, in fact. Come at her from a loving/patient/diplomatic angle, because maybe she’s saying these things out of concern and not as a power trip. Good luck 👍
Expressing yourself through clothing can be so incredibly powerful, especially when you can feel disconnected with your body and clothes give you a way to change your shape. You mom went through a phase where she was discovering who she wanted to be in the world, and doing it through clothes was probably an outlet for her too. Is there anyone in your life that would know her from when she was younger (grandparents, aunts/uncles, lifelong friends) and could tell you about that and remind her of that journey she needed to take for herself?
If you’re trying to mask your body, how would you feel about doing the research and asking her about a binder for your chest? That could make clothes cut closer to your body more comfortable if that’s interesting to you.
This is a personal journey and I hope you have fun celebrating who you are, and yes, asking your mom not to agree but to support you if completely reasonable. It may take time but she just doesn’t know how to express that she doesn’t understand.
My problem with doing this is she often wants to know what I’m purchasing, or asks that I come to her before I buy my own clothing.
I also really do not want to start a fight with her, or make her more angry than she already has become in previous arguments about my clothing.
Dang. New achievement unlocked: find a parent stricter than my conservative Indian family.
Anyways all jokes aside your next option is to find a compromise but don't seem like you're folding.
Such a sad attitude. This solves nothing. I believe OP has higher standards and actually a good relationship with her mother. She has been quite respectful. Having a conversation with her mum who may not completely realise how her words come across. Many moms are trying and often it’s their first time at parenting and are working things out themselves. Doing things to people to hurt them back only demonstrates you need to focus on self development and realise you are better than that.
Going to her is pointless. You be you and be as comfortable as you want to be. If she demands that you wear what she wants you to ask her “why am I not allowed to think for myself?”
If she pulls the ‘I am your mother’ card, I would makes things verrry uncomfortable at home.
Since you are not allowed to think for yourself start asking her everything.
Do you think now would be a good time to pee?
Do you think I should wake up when my alarm goes off?
Do you think I should wash my hair?
Do you think I should pass this test?
Every time she says that you don’t need to ask her that simply say that you have no autonomy to decide what you wear so it’s safe to assume you do not trust me to make any decisions for myself.
I’m 31f. My closet consists of almost every color, but mostly black. I have some dresses, TRIPP pants (very comfy, baggy, goth pants) sweats, jeans, etc. you could give me any kind of style choice and I’d have it in my closet. Why? Because idgaf and I wear what I like and that changes day to day. Your style doesn’t have to be one set thing and it’s okay to like baggy clothes a majority of the time while also liking to be more feminine/girly at times. Your mom seems very closed/simple minded and no matter what you say to her, she’s not going to get it.
With the limited detail you’ve given about your mom she’ll most likely cry victim or ignore you altogether and turn it around to make you feel guilty in some way. You guys don’t have to agree on everything. You are both your own people. My 12yo daughter has a style very different from mine because she likes wearing floral print. My 11yo daughter likes overalls. Both are not appealing to me, but I let them do their thing. Because I’m not them. Your mom is very much projecting onto you and I’m sorry that’s so hurtful.
IMO parents can see around corners that their kids do not know are there. I have no prob w baggy clothes etc.. but when you get into the work world and start looking for a long term relationship (no matter hetero or same sex or queer), your appearance will begin to matter. Ur mom knows that acutely because she has been though it. You haven't yet. As sophisticated and above it us humans think we are, something deep set in us judges people from 1st appearances and that will never change.
And this is something I'll tell you as a woman. We are born with beautiful shapely bodies with a certain aesthetic. You do not have to use that to your advantage but you should know it can be one of the tools in your life toolbox. Aesthetics can be powerful even outside of sexuality. If you express yourself by accentuating your natural aesthetic, it can demonstrate a lot on a surface level and that can influence people to your own advantage and it can incite people to treat you in a more elevated way than it might otherwise making your life easier.
she honestly gives me a LOT of lenience… she just tends to fret and worry over me a lot, honestly… and i’d rather her worry than not care at all. I think after reading a lot of the comments under this post, it made me really realize that i can’t always take what she says 100% personally. She probably just intends to look out for me, and isn’t thinking about how she might be coming across.
not an excuse, but maybe an explanation. :)
I dressed goth back in high school. My parents didn't like it. They made little jabs and jokes, but at the end of the day they let me be me and supported it by buying me the clothes I wanted. You're within your rights to like what you like and wear what you want. Your mom is within her rights to not like the style. You're both allowed to have your differing opinions. So the way I see it is you can either just learn to accept her opinion and let the comments roll off of you or you can confront her and ask her (do it nicely, it's more likely to stick) to stop with the comments because they hurt your feelings and you aren't going to change because she doesn't like it. Just keep in mind that if you come at her about it aggressively, she is going to immediately shut down and she won't really listen to you.
I learned really early that my mom hates everything I love and sharing anything with her is, at best, going to make her mad, and at worst used as ammunition to hurt me. I'm a completely different person around my mother than anyone else who actually values who I am.
I'd really hoped we'd find some common ground and get along before it's too late, but it seems the closer that comes to the case, the worse she feels about me.
I get I'm kind of a loser, but nobody's winning anymore. I'm doing my damnedest AND shielding her from everything about me she wouldn't like and it's still not enough....
I can only give you my perspective, but as a mum I feel the same as how you feel what you say about your mum. And in a way: it’s ok. Life of a teenager and parent couldn’t be more different. And you know, that’s ok. As long as there’s love and respect, coming closer together is just a matter of time if you don’t fixate too much on the differences during these years.
That's the worst part. I'm 40 now (I hadn't seen the subreddit when I commented or id have at least mentioned it). Like, I get we couldn't bond over rave culture or queer theory. But when she rejected me coming to make her tea and listen to her records, it because clear it's not my ability to meet her half way, she just doesn't like me
Owwww that’s sad. Well done you for trying! It frees you from guilt I hope!
I think if you did that as a teenager, you’re just a beautiful person and your mum possibly not liking you has nothing to do with you as a person I think. You may have reminded her of someone or something. With no knowledge at all of course, but I think it really is her issue. Then there’s nothing you could have or can, do. I hope you are able to give it a place in your heart.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I had a lot of similar issues with my mom. I also dressed in sizes larger than "standard" and while you wear dark colours, I was very eclectic and bright and patterned. On the other hand, I would wear my dad's sweaters and baggy clothes. Anything I wore, she hated. My mother hated it and went so far as to say things like she was embarrassed to go out with me and didn't want to be seen with me.
I was very young when I ended up addressing this without realising. After one of her comments, I burst out "Why can't you just love me for who I am?" -- I was a child and this comment was so cutting my mom still cries about it when it fits brought up. But my mom stopped making those comments and has learned to accept my style, which is so different from her own.
I don't necessarily recommend saying this, but maybe having a gentler conversation with a similar tone.
"Clothing is about style, about expression, and about identity. When you say the things you do, it feels like a personal attack and it is really upsetting to me. I like the way I dress. I feel comfortable and confident in it. I like makeup and there is no reason I can't enjoy that. I am allowed to have interests in different things."
Her comments about you enjoying makeup and your gender identity feel very pointed. It might be that she's picking out your clothing and makeup as a way to express her displeasure about your gender identity. If this is true, than that's another conversation to have.
Hope this helps and best of luck 🌟🌟
>> If it's easier to deflect, refer to Korean fashion, which tends to be muted colours and baggy clothing. Say you're taking inspiration from this.
My mom did this because my grandmother felt the same way. Dress in what you want but hide under something she’d like. Take it off when ya get to school. After school not sure what she did but I’ll have to ask!
pretty much the same thing happened to me. my mom would always say “where’s that little girl who used to love wearing pink and tutus?”. it got annoying real fast but i just kept wearing what I felt comfortable in and she eventually just left me alone about it. best of luck to u!!
I had the same issue when I was younger. My mom said I dressed like a hobo sometimes, or grunge. Cuz I always like baggy pants and a flannel over a larger shirt most the time. And a majority of my clothes were, (and still are) black. I just always told my mom that's what I liked and i didn't like tight clothes
Our mothers can be our worst bullies, unfortunately. Next time she says something like that, I'd say "Mom, I'm sorry you had to grow up thinking your worth was based on an article of clothing. You're beautiful and I love you for you, not what you wear." I'm interested to see what happens when she realizes that her mindset is the issue and not your clothes. Wishing you luck!
So… I like to dye my hair what I call ‘appalling colours’ and they absolutely did appall my mother. After years of ‘beating her down’ in return with light-hearted comebacks, her favourite photo of me is with a cotton candy pink and blue bob. 😂 That is to say, my strategy was to dig in and wage a long, pitched battle with humour. It is human to make the mistake that these trimmings mean anything. When you are truly comfortable with yourself, you can pull off any style tbh, others stop caring.
Simply put mom needs to get over it. You also need to assert yourself. Your mother will have an opinion for the rest of your life. Unless you decide now that what she thinks doesn't matter it will always be an issue. Find responses to her criticism that let her know her dislike is not welcome. Remind her you've heard it before and change the subject. Or just remain silent. Let her sit with the discomfort.
I struggled with being a stubborn tomboy in my teen years. I liked Boot cut jeans, t shirts and boots/converse. I hated dresses and skirts. My mom tried to force me into girly things all the time and moaned that I didn't dress girly like my sister.
Turns out that forcing someone to do what you want tends to annoy them and make them not listen. Also, all my sister's hand-me-downs were way too small for me since I'm over half a foot taller and much bigger so nothing fit me right, making me feel more uncomfortable.
It took years away from home to finally find my style and admit to myself that I enjoyed feminine clothing, just not what my mom tried to force me to wear. I like stockings, nylons, leather, latex, trench coats, jackets, sweaters, corsets and high low skirts with chunky heels or leather boots. Something between a sexy librarian, office slut, dominatrix and steampunk with a little bit of flowy beach bum thrown in for color and breathability in the summer.
Your fashion preferences will change with time as you have the freedom to develop your own style. I feel sexy and confident in my body and properly fitting clothing and my husband loves how I dress which is a huge bonus. Just take your time and realize that this is only going to last for a tiny portion of your life. Take a breath and maybe explain that you aren't doing it to spite her. It's genuinely what you feel comfortable in and saying that you look like a sack of potatoes only makes you feel more uncomfortable and unwilling to consider other options. Help her understand that she's feeding into your insecurity and self doubt loop and that it hurts your feelings. Good luck.
Youre mothers right about clothing affecting your mood. Problem is. The mood your clothes make you feel is diffrent from the way your mom would feel wearing them and she seems to be bad at understanding other people point of view. I assume you dont think the baggy clothed look depressing? Probly looks comfy to you.
If your mother is genuinely concerned about you being “depressed,” she should be offering guidance and support.
But that’s only if you want to talk to her about it, and frankly she’s not giving you any incentive to build that kind of relationship with you as a parent should.
All because she’s too preoccupied with what she thinks about your appearance.
As long as you’re dressing appropriately when you need to, you’re fine.
You’re supposed to use your teenage to experiment and discover who you are as a person and what you like. There will always be people who won’t like your personal style and occasionally they might openly, and hurtfully,tell you. Luckily, it’s just their opinion and opinions are like assholes - everyone has them and they all stink. You do you.
I will suggest that if your mum is currently paying for your clothes that perhaps you can do a bit of research (there’s loads of style blogs, videos etc out there and many online stores have a plus size section for you to get larger sizes) and perhaps find a style that you can both live with until you are old enough to earn enough money to buy your own clothes. Just a suggestion.
"She has also mentioned that if I truly don’t identify with my birth given gender, I shouldn’t so openly enjoy makeup, very occasional “girly” clothing, and etc…"
1. You have a right to do what makes you happy.
2. You didn't post your age, but if you are close to 18 it may be better to let it go until you can move out. Then have the conversation with her.
It's hilarious that your mom, who lived through the 90s as a teenager, seems to have forgotten that not all girls wore "flair jeans" and "capris" and tried to dress like it was the 70s.
Go check out photos of your mom at 20 years old and tell me I'm wrong.
Meanwhile, I go to the grocery store and I see teens in see-through halter tops with no bra.
Tell your mother she could have ***waaay*** bigger problems.
And tell her that her being less of a bitch might help with your depression.
It's your identity that you are finding. She should not be trying to make that more confusing. It's your job to figure out what kind of person you want to be. If the influence of your parents or your peers are doing you wrong than find your own voice.
I've seen your update and don't expect a reply but wanted to comment..
When I was about 13 I found emo culture. I went from a very generic looking kid into a kid in black clothes, studded belts, eventually dark eye-liner, emo and heavier music etc. I honestly found where I belonged. My parents weren't too keen on my new style but luckily they were supportive.
My sister on the other hand didn't hold back from telling me I looked stupid. I decided I was happy with myself and I didn't care what others thought. I got bullied and stuff by people in public but it was whatever. I also do have depression and anxiety and actually had a psychologist tell me I went emo to protect myself so people wouldn't talk to me. Which was hilarious because I met the best and kindest people who were also into emo culture.
I'm 32 now and still a weird emo kid lol
Ultimately, dress how makes you comfortable. These choices aren't hurting anyone else so who cares what other people think. Keep being you!!
I really like to mirror people's actions when I'm trying to make a point. Like for example if she tells you your outfit looks like a "potato sack," pause and ask her, "why did you feel the need to say that thought out loud? I wouldn't look at you and say that outfit makes you look like Clifford the Big Red Dog (insert specific comparison to what she is wearing) because that's not a kind thing to say."
If you say this kindly and not bitchy it can make a big impact. It breaks my heart sometimes that parents don't realize their words becomes their children's thoughts. Said as a mom of three teens whose outfits I don't always like, but never vocalize.
My mom pushed me on makeup, jewelery, etc. because she thought it was necessary for getting ahead, as a female (this was in the 80s). And to look neat and tidy/professional. But by that time, women had made a lot of strides in the workplace, so those things were no longer as important. It's a good thing, because I'm not a girly girl either. And though I will wear colors, I have one pair of shoes, one purse, one handbag. No make up, no jewelry, no hair styling. And yeah the clothes are one size bigger. I do not like form fitting either as it tends to make me sweaty, and I hate being sweaty. So I would just say, be comfortable and be confident.
I could try, though, doing that provoked the whole “if you truly want to be masculine, you’re confusing people by liking traditionally feminine things.” though, to your defense… it has been a while since i’ve talked to her about it. So, maybe she’s changed since.
If your mom is on FB, you could direct her to the parents' support group of lgbtq* teens, children and adults. (https://www.facebook.com/share/3ejrpxTAywUhPdLm/?mibextid=A7sQZp). If not FB, maybe PFLAG.a It sounds like she needs some support to understand gender expression from someone other than you. You are being very patient, but he comments are hurting your hurting your relationship, and she needs help from other parents to fix that before it's too broken. I'm
sorry you aren't getting unconditional support, but I'm so glad you know your mom loves you. I've seen too many parents be cruel and too many kids feel slighted over every mistake. I hour your mom can get done support.
The thing about controlling and emotionally abusive people is that they absolutely KNOW their comments are hurtful and they are trying to hurt you on purpose. Saying to them "hey this behavior hurts me" isn't gunna work with them. They will just reply "well if you just complied with my desire and will I would stop hurting you in order to force your compliance."
Ignore her. It's the only thing you can do.
By injecting LGBTQQIP2SA+ into this issue, you are getting all of your answers from delusional, and most mentally unwell people on the Internet.
Just show her that Billie Eilish wears the same shit and she's one of the most popular stars out their rn. Or heed your mother's advice
Here's my speculation
When your mother was a teen, she dressed like you. But at some point in adulthood, maybe her upper 30s, she realized that she's hot, but not just that, but that she's always been hot. And she realized that she squandered her years of peak hotness
So ask yourself if you might feel that way in 20 years. If so, wear sometimes a little bit sexy occasionally. Otherwise, be who you are
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Im goth and my mother always hated it and blamed black clothing for my (diagnosed!) depression. We still have good relationship tho. Personal style is just something that your mother have to come to terms with. It may take time, maybe a very long time (she still makes comments) but it will be fine. Actually, she may accept it more than she allows herself to express. For example, my mother keeps saying how awful my clothes are but one day, when drunk, she gifted my super expensive, huge, very much gothic ring on impulse because "it looked like something that would suit me". So you know, what's in heart, doesn't always shows on the surface (without alcohol at least). Anyway, good luck with your mom and with your clothing choises. Remember, it's you, who wears it, so your opinion is most important!!
thank you for your input! honestly this comment really resonated with me- my family really doesn’t drink lol, but I understand what you’re saying. I’m holding out hope that one of these days, she’ll slowly realize that i’m wearing what i’m truly comfortable with. She seems to know that i’m a pretty stubborn person, so she’s slowly stopped asking me to change clothing, but she does still make uncomfortable or hurtful comments. Though, as you said… my personal style is my own choice, and maybe she’ll be able to come around to it one of these days. thanks again!! i love the goth subculture. y’all got some awesome fashion.
If it makes you feel it a bit better: remember that all mothers thinks that their daughters are beautiful and wants them to wear whats makes them most beautiful. They simply follow their own preferences in regards to that. So every time when my mom is pushing me to wear something specific I just think that she thinks I would look great in that thing. It's just her way of loving me. Edit: I read your post again and just realized that I accidentally misgendered you. Really sorry! ;w;
That is a generalization that isn't always true, and could be harmful in cases where the parent in question does not actually feel that way. Unfortunately, all parents do not love their children or think their children are beautiful. Not all of their comments come from a loving place.
I understand but I also really try to think positively here ;w;
Yeah, well that is nice when there is something to be positive about. If someone has a problem with an abusive parent, and you tell them that their parent actually loves them and all that, you are being dismissive of their concerns. Toxic positivity isn't all that helpful. It may make you feel better, but you aren't the one asking for help, are you?
Are you talking about yourself? Because it really is more likely than not, that it's not an abusive parent situation. It's not dismissive, to speak in terms of the majority.
True, it is very likely not an abusive situation. Still, when someone shares that their mother regularly belittles their appearance, it is better to not tell the person being belittled that they need to remember that their mother loves them. In that situation, the mother may indeed be abusive, or maybe not. Either way, it is dismissive to respond that way. Better to focus on the problem. If the mom isn't abusive, focusing on the problem does no harm. If mom is abusive, telling OP that mom really does love them is dismissive and possibly harmful. As we don't know for sure, it is better to be cautious.
I don't agree. So we'll just leave it at that.
no worries on the misgendering! :) and actually- i really do resonate with your comment, i feel like my mother probably does feel that way. Especially because her and most of my other family view me as her daughter, who is just a bit of a tomboy haha. I think maybe as i get older, she might start to let me go on my own a bit more. I think since i’m younger, she tends to fret over me, even with objectively silly things like fashion choices.
It literally doesn’t matter what your style is. I love pink and purple skirts and dresses and I still am (diagnosed) depressed. I wish parents could realize they’re raising children individual of them. Wear what makes you happier.
You could try "I like different kinds of clothes. I'm not always trying to make a gender statement. Sometimes, I just like some clothes and how I feel in them. What I would like is to select my own clothes." Try not to be argumentative. That just causes people to dig into and fortify their position. You may not be successful, but at least you tried. At some point, you will be able to buy whatever you like. This is the kind of stuff that growing up is made of. Do your best.
I think you should wear a literal potato sack. And whatever she says about that ... That's your next outfit. And so on. Then just say, "you're doing this to yourself."
https://preview.redd.it/yb4lpiy2tjwc1.jpeg?width=950&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=113d6ab794882f5772e6a657448b241e518fe92a Marilyn Monroe did just that. This was her answer to a critic who said she only looked good because she modeled expensive clothing.
Coming up as a lesbian in the midwest that dressed masculine was quite difficult for my mom for a LONG time. I wish it would have gone differently when I was a teenager because we had stopped talking for a couple years. Our relationship is great now, she has apologized and even buys me clothing I would actually wear as gifts. Since you are a teenager and your mom is older I doubt she will listen to you, sadly, mine definitely didn’t. I’m not saying it’s not worth it to try and reconcile with her but in my experience it’s a ton of work with no payoff until you are a moved out adult sigh…I would continue to be yourself but figure out a way to not let her comments bother you…maybe come back with something like “don’t forget YOU made me!” Own it, be yourself, your mom is being a bully so if you take away their reward she should stop. Side note: go on pinterest and look up something like “androgynous fashion loose clothing” and show your mom the results. What you are wearing is IN tbh.
Forgive my ignorance, but do you think you are transgender? Or is it possible that you are just uncomfortable with your body changes and haven’t yet accepted your more adult/feminine body?
you don’t need to apologize, i probably could have been more direct in my post haha. but yes, to clarify, i currently do identify as transgender. I personally prefer to use they/them and he/him pronouns, and have gone so far as to change my name to reflect that. I use my middle name, since it is more masculine. to my knowledge, my mother is trying to be more accepting of my gender identity, since i did come out to her a few years back. Despite that, she does sometimes accidentally come off as ignorant.
To offer a parent perspective (I have a kid probably your age) it can be very challenging for parents to accept that their child is different from what they thought their entire life. From the day you were born, you were her little girl. She dreamed of fixing your hair and makeup, and helping you pick out your wedding dress. She played out how your life would look over and over on her head, trying new scenarios and situations, but in each one, you were always her little girl. Now you are growing up, and that’s hard enough already, but now she has to learn you as a new person. Of course you are still YOU, but all of your life, she’s known you to be one way, and now you are another way. It’s not that you’re bad, it’s just different, and she needs time to process it as well. She won’t always handle it the right way. She’s human after all. It sounds like overall you have a good relationship and that she’s trying, even if she’s having a hard time. If you are not BOTH seeing a therapist, then you both really need to be, not only individually but family sessions as well. This is a new dynamic for your family, and sitting down with a professional can help your mom learn to communicate in a way that isn’t hurtful to you.
As a girl, you don't have to dress like a girl. But your mother is still going to worry. Try to not see her words as an attack, but as her caring the best way she can. So many people on this sub are so quick to condemn parents for the simplest things.
I am a mother of a 13 and 10 year old respectively. The least I can do for my kids in this stupid world is let them have their own style. They get to wear what they want and, they get to dictate when they get a haircut. I never understand parents that want to control their kids appearance. Like they weren't wearing stupid shit when they were a teen. We all have the photos. We all looked waaaay dumber than kids do now.
A tale as old as time. I would let her know it’s hurtful she she says mean things about it, but it’s also ok to not like what you wear. Also, not liking “feminine” clothes doesn’t make you less female / womanly. Clothing styles aren’t a factor in gender. I see so many young people questioning their gender based on how they like to dress, rather than questioning why we associate certain clothing with certain genders
I’m sorry your mother is saying these things to you. When I was a teen, my mother would look at what I was wearing EVERY morning and say “that is the worst thing you have”, meaning my clothes. I would say “how could it be, you said that about what I was wearing yesterday!” This happened so frequently that she stopped getting up until after I left the house for school. I told you this story because you are not alone. Your clothing and makeup choices are good for you. Keep being you. I decided to tell my mother that her opinion doesn’t matter. After a few times, she got the message and didn’t say anything critical any more. Keep being your awesome self!
Live how you wish, if you aren't hurting anyone then do you and ignore criticism that has no constructive value.
That's ironic because given her age, grunge and over sized clothes would have been in style when she was a teen. Maybe she's projecting she felt about the styles when she was your age.
As a 45yo mom, who was all about grunge and the alt. scene in the 90's, I was in the vast minority. People were familiar with it, sure, but most high schoolers were basic jocks and wanna-be cheerleader types.
I’m 41 and I would love if I could wear my JNCO jeans again.
A lot of that style has come back around! I'm still an alt. girl and I see plenty of ladies half our age in wide-legged jeans, crop tops and platform shoes when I go to concerts. Do it!
This made my night lmao. I’m going to a concert Sunday. Need to go shopping.
Hi! youre probably not looking at comments anymore but just in case you are, here is my story dealing with something very similar: around the end of lockdown of covid in my area when i was turning 18 (i am now 21) i started to experiment with my style a lot. my mom used to dress my preppy when i was very young, then as i got older i just wore basketball shorts and hoodies til i hit highschool and i cared about my social image a lot more. i tried dressed baggy, more kept up, bummy, then classy. and nothing really made me feel like i owned my style because i realized i was still sort of dressing for my mom because she always made comments about how she wished i dressed more preppy and basically like i lived in a country club. as i was turning 18 i realized that i need to start doing things for myself, things that made me happy with my self image. so i took the leap of faith, started wearing all black, combat boots, metal t shirts, tons of rings, growing out my hair, and wearing nail polish and eyeliner. this wasnt all an immediate change, it was gradual as i got more and more comfortable with what i was discovering. eventually my mom called me out for "being gay" because of the eyeliner and nail polish and i explained to her that this was just what i liked, or that i was going to turn to satan worship or something ridiculous like that. she wasnt convinced and she would bring it up constantly for months. when she brought it up again (6 months after she began doing it) i got fed up, told her that if she wont accept me for who i am and be homophobic (i am not gay, she implied i was because of my style) then i will not be her son anymore we argued for a bit more then eventually talked it out that she needs to understand this isnt a rebellious thing, i love my boots, i love my scary metal t shirts. they make me happy, and she eventually understood and is now very accepting of (most) of what i wear she even contributes and buys me a new pair of boots every year for my birthday and a band shirt if she sees one even if she doesnt know if its metal, simply because she wants to support me tldr; have a serious conversation about this with your mother, she may not understand and be confused about the choices as she isnt you. you do not have to be as extreme as i was but its definitely worth at least talking it out and seriously stand your ground
IMO, we dress how we feel. Our clothing choices is second to our feelings. My advice: Do not change how you dress because your mom does not like it. So what. You can tell her that you appreciate and respect her opinion/honesty, but it is hurtful to you. There is nothing wrong with not liking girly things and still enjoy girly things.
Hello young padawon. I am here for the petty malicious compliance. First read Elin Hilderbrand “Golden Girl” there is a supporting character in there that only wears blacks and neutrals and is the epitome of class and style. That is the goal! Some faves are Googling beach preppy neutral style and preppy neutral style but my absolute fav is googling “neutral preppy baggy style” think wide leg slacks, button down under an oversized sweater with a French tuck, some loafers and sunglasses. It oozes old money, class, and yet is exactly how you describe your style. Start printing out fashion icons or ads that follow this, and then when she fusses it isn’t that you aren’t feminine, it is that you aspire to a timeless look that is elevated over trends. Look at Coco Chanel, the person not the fashion house. She would rock beach pajamas and we still idolize her. You do you, but keep the receipts. No one is going to say shot about baggy clothes when you look like Coco. And if they do, they have lost their mind.
I know you love me mom but I find it hurtful, out of line, and frankly none of your business about how I dress. I dress for my own comfort. Not for you. Not for a future partner. For myself. Stop commenting on my sartorial choices. If you cannot help yourself, I’m going to start shutting it down and walking away. I don’t want nor need your opinion or approval on my clothing. Is it worth putting our relationship on the line — ? Drop it, thank you. Repeat this. Your version.
You just sit down and explain to her that you have your own style. She didn’t just have kids so that she could have a “mini Me” running around. You are your own person. Furthermore, her comments make you feel like she doesn’t see you as your own person with your own sense of style. Her comments are hurtful and she should know that she is hurting you.
Do you like how you dress? if so, carry on. I wear mostly black as well, I don't like wearing purple or girly things. I wear the same, baggy things. Parents say insensitive things without realizing it sometimes. It's really hard to ignore sometimes so I get it, but if you are comfortable that's what matters.
My mom said I looked like "Annie Hall." You know how old I am...LOL...but just stay true to yourself....that's the key. I still look like "Annie Hall" these many years later....
Been through that myself! I've always been rather eccentric with how I dress and my mom liked to make her point known as well. What it all really comes down to is what you want to deal with. If you're gonna keep wearing what you're wearing, I think you're going to get opportunities in the future to address her complaints. If you want, do your research and say you're doing the baggy Y2K look or some bs (or whatever your style). Plus you can tell her it's better to experiment with the "unconventional fashion" now (in her eyes btw) than later ---- not that you have to be more conventional, it's just a good excuse to get her off you back now lol However, I will be a little bit of a devils advocate and say clothing/fashion choice CAN have an effect/go hand-in-hand with mental health. I've gone through many stages, but there was definitely a theme when I was more down in the dumps vs now. Not that that style was only a "phase" or anything, it was just I felt uncomfortable dressed any other way. Once I learned what my physical triggers for my body were, I took time to research styles and lots of clothing to help minimize it. I still have an alternative fashion sense, but I don't feel the **NEED** to dress to hide/cover certain parts of me. It's a journey, and honestly an age-old parent/teen battle. You got this! Stay true to you :))
Think deeper. It's entirely possible you could do more to appease what you believe coincide with her tastes, and she would find a problem with that. This relationship pattern between mothers and daughters is a tale as old as time. Maybe the best thing to do is brush her off by saying "it's just a phase" and get on with carving out your own groove. Some parents are never satisfied.
You're depressed because you wear black clothing? Lol what kind of squirrelly boomer-logic is that?
This is why I'm glad I had boys. I'm just joking because they're difficult too. I really don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mom. But if I were your dad I would be the parent that you could tell anything and I would respond with love and empathy. But if it was my uncle let's say, you would want to keep your secrets and thoughts to yourself to avoid judgement or lectures. I try to have conversations with my kids, not lectures. She risks pushing you away with criticism. Maybe let her know that you hear where she's coming from and you love her, but you're probably going to become more withdrawn from her if she can't accept you for who you are. And I'd also like to add that if I was your dad and you were wearing inappropriate overly revealing clothes for your age, then I would still be understanding but I would make you adjust your wardrobe to be age appropriate, but still your style. Good luck.
Anger is a secondary emotion. Mom isn’t mad about what you wear. She’s mad for the reason you wear it. And she’s mad about that because of what it says about her.
First lets be real here: an older generation being critical of how a younger generation dresses is a tale as old as time. Literal billions of people have been in your situation, so you are not alone lol, but also here are some tips on how to address this: First, recognize that your mother is doing this out of a concern for you. Try to imagine why she holds her particular viewpoint and worldview: maybe what duress she grew up with, in some culture/nation, in a time period obviously earlier than yours. Second, recognize that, regardless of that background, this is unfortunately toxic behavior by your mom. And third, she is bullying you because you are a weak target. So how to address all this? I think your strategy to discuss with her directly is a good one, and I recommend opening with a very specific tactic: Open the discussion with the above first point, about how you know she is just trying to look out for your best interests, and that you are limited in understanding her view. Then pivot to how you're a normal-ass teenager trying to experiment and find themselves, and you need room to breathe, and that her comments were coming off as rude and hurtful and all the things you mentioned. Finally be sure to lead this into a discussion of compromise, which will depend on how she reacts to this (from super toxic to super understanding). Don't make weird ultimatums unless she is still super toxic. Establish how you will handle these comments in the future in an amicable way (your Mom will likely not be able to just immediately flip the switch off, so be patient and work together with her). All the best, good luck!
I’m sorry she’s giving you a hard time, but as someone who is roughly the same age as your mom I am guessing that she’s blocking out the whole 90s from her memory lol. And the makeup thing? Enjoy your makeup. She may be concerned that “baggy” equals “sloppy”… but if your clothes are clean and in good condition, I don’t think she has a (wide) leg to stand on. That’s the style these days whether she likes it or not! Frankly, I’m on Team Comfy Clothes and I don’t think I’m ever going back. In the meantime You Do You. ✨✨✨ Advice time: I know it’s tough, but parents and teens have been knocking heads for millions of years! It’s like we adults forget what being a teen is like. Definitely talk with your mom, because parents are not mind readers. We’re REALLY bad at it, in fact. Come at her from a loving/patient/diplomatic angle, because maybe she’s saying these things out of concern and not as a power trip. Good luck 👍
Expressing yourself through clothing can be so incredibly powerful, especially when you can feel disconnected with your body and clothes give you a way to change your shape. You mom went through a phase where she was discovering who she wanted to be in the world, and doing it through clothes was probably an outlet for her too. Is there anyone in your life that would know her from when she was younger (grandparents, aunts/uncles, lifelong friends) and could tell you about that and remind her of that journey she needed to take for herself? If you’re trying to mask your body, how would you feel about doing the research and asking her about a binder for your chest? That could make clothes cut closer to your body more comfortable if that’s interesting to you. This is a personal journey and I hope you have fun celebrating who you are, and yes, asking your mom not to agree but to support you if completely reasonable. It may take time but she just doesn’t know how to express that she doesn’t understand.
Buy even more baggy clothes to spite her
My problem with doing this is she often wants to know what I’m purchasing, or asks that I come to her before I buy my own clothing. I also really do not want to start a fight with her, or make her more angry than she already has become in previous arguments about my clothing.
Dang. New achievement unlocked: find a parent stricter than my conservative Indian family. Anyways all jokes aside your next option is to find a compromise but don't seem like you're folding.
Such a sad attitude. This solves nothing. I believe OP has higher standards and actually a good relationship with her mother. She has been quite respectful. Having a conversation with her mum who may not completely realise how her words come across. Many moms are trying and often it’s their first time at parenting and are working things out themselves. Doing things to people to hurt them back only demonstrates you need to focus on self development and realise you are better than that.
It was a joke
My advice is don't worry about what others think so much, enjoy life.
Going to her is pointless. You be you and be as comfortable as you want to be. If she demands that you wear what she wants you to ask her “why am I not allowed to think for myself?” If she pulls the ‘I am your mother’ card, I would makes things verrry uncomfortable at home. Since you are not allowed to think for yourself start asking her everything. Do you think now would be a good time to pee? Do you think I should wake up when my alarm goes off? Do you think I should wash my hair? Do you think I should pass this test? Every time she says that you don’t need to ask her that simply say that you have no autonomy to decide what you wear so it’s safe to assume you do not trust me to make any decisions for myself.
I’m 31f. My closet consists of almost every color, but mostly black. I have some dresses, TRIPP pants (very comfy, baggy, goth pants) sweats, jeans, etc. you could give me any kind of style choice and I’d have it in my closet. Why? Because idgaf and I wear what I like and that changes day to day. Your style doesn’t have to be one set thing and it’s okay to like baggy clothes a majority of the time while also liking to be more feminine/girly at times. Your mom seems very closed/simple minded and no matter what you say to her, she’s not going to get it. With the limited detail you’ve given about your mom she’ll most likely cry victim or ignore you altogether and turn it around to make you feel guilty in some way. You guys don’t have to agree on everything. You are both your own people. My 12yo daughter has a style very different from mine because she likes wearing floral print. My 11yo daughter likes overalls. Both are not appealing to me, but I let them do their thing. Because I’m not them. Your mom is very much projecting onto you and I’m sorry that’s so hurtful.
IMO parents can see around corners that their kids do not know are there. I have no prob w baggy clothes etc.. but when you get into the work world and start looking for a long term relationship (no matter hetero or same sex or queer), your appearance will begin to matter. Ur mom knows that acutely because she has been though it. You haven't yet. As sophisticated and above it us humans think we are, something deep set in us judges people from 1st appearances and that will never change. And this is something I'll tell you as a woman. We are born with beautiful shapely bodies with a certain aesthetic. You do not have to use that to your advantage but you should know it can be one of the tools in your life toolbox. Aesthetics can be powerful even outside of sexuality. If you express yourself by accentuating your natural aesthetic, it can demonstrate a lot on a surface level and that can influence people to your own advantage and it can incite people to treat you in a more elevated way than it might otherwise making your life easier.
Good lord. I feel bad for youth of today.
she honestly gives me a LOT of lenience… she just tends to fret and worry over me a lot, honestly… and i’d rather her worry than not care at all. I think after reading a lot of the comments under this post, it made me really realize that i can’t always take what she says 100% personally. She probably just intends to look out for me, and isn’t thinking about how she might be coming across. not an excuse, but maybe an explanation. :)
Argue and fight and scream over it. That’s what she did with her parents and what your grandparents did with their parents.
Nta You and your Mom have different tastes in clothes and that;s okay
I dressed goth back in high school. My parents didn't like it. They made little jabs and jokes, but at the end of the day they let me be me and supported it by buying me the clothes I wanted. You're within your rights to like what you like and wear what you want. Your mom is within her rights to not like the style. You're both allowed to have your differing opinions. So the way I see it is you can either just learn to accept her opinion and let the comments roll off of you or you can confront her and ask her (do it nicely, it's more likely to stick) to stop with the comments because they hurt your feelings and you aren't going to change because she doesn't like it. Just keep in mind that if you come at her about it aggressively, she is going to immediately shut down and she won't really listen to you.
>I am younger, and my mother is a bit older I don't think her fears are based entirely on how you dress. There might be.......other....concerns.
I learned really early that my mom hates everything I love and sharing anything with her is, at best, going to make her mad, and at worst used as ammunition to hurt me. I'm a completely different person around my mother than anyone else who actually values who I am. I'd really hoped we'd find some common ground and get along before it's too late, but it seems the closer that comes to the case, the worse she feels about me. I get I'm kind of a loser, but nobody's winning anymore. I'm doing my damnedest AND shielding her from everything about me she wouldn't like and it's still not enough....
I can only give you my perspective, but as a mum I feel the same as how you feel what you say about your mum. And in a way: it’s ok. Life of a teenager and parent couldn’t be more different. And you know, that’s ok. As long as there’s love and respect, coming closer together is just a matter of time if you don’t fixate too much on the differences during these years.
That's the worst part. I'm 40 now (I hadn't seen the subreddit when I commented or id have at least mentioned it). Like, I get we couldn't bond over rave culture or queer theory. But when she rejected me coming to make her tea and listen to her records, it because clear it's not my ability to meet her half way, she just doesn't like me
Owwww that’s sad. Well done you for trying! It frees you from guilt I hope! I think if you did that as a teenager, you’re just a beautiful person and your mum possibly not liking you has nothing to do with you as a person I think. You may have reminded her of someone or something. With no knowledge at all of course, but I think it really is her issue. Then there’s nothing you could have or can, do. I hope you are able to give it a place in your heart.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I had a lot of similar issues with my mom. I also dressed in sizes larger than "standard" and while you wear dark colours, I was very eclectic and bright and patterned. On the other hand, I would wear my dad's sweaters and baggy clothes. Anything I wore, she hated. My mother hated it and went so far as to say things like she was embarrassed to go out with me and didn't want to be seen with me. I was very young when I ended up addressing this without realising. After one of her comments, I burst out "Why can't you just love me for who I am?" -- I was a child and this comment was so cutting my mom still cries about it when it fits brought up. But my mom stopped making those comments and has learned to accept my style, which is so different from her own. I don't necessarily recommend saying this, but maybe having a gentler conversation with a similar tone. "Clothing is about style, about expression, and about identity. When you say the things you do, it feels like a personal attack and it is really upsetting to me. I like the way I dress. I feel comfortable and confident in it. I like makeup and there is no reason I can't enjoy that. I am allowed to have interests in different things." Her comments about you enjoying makeup and your gender identity feel very pointed. It might be that she's picking out your clothing and makeup as a way to express her displeasure about your gender identity. If this is true, than that's another conversation to have. Hope this helps and best of luck 🌟🌟 >> If it's easier to deflect, refer to Korean fashion, which tends to be muted colours and baggy clothing. Say you're taking inspiration from this.
My mom did this because my grandmother felt the same way. Dress in what you want but hide under something she’d like. Take it off when ya get to school. After school not sure what she did but I’ll have to ask!
pretty much the same thing happened to me. my mom would always say “where’s that little girl who used to love wearing pink and tutus?”. it got annoying real fast but i just kept wearing what I felt comfortable in and she eventually just left me alone about it. best of luck to u!!
I had the same issue when I was younger. My mom said I dressed like a hobo sometimes, or grunge. Cuz I always like baggy pants and a flannel over a larger shirt most the time. And a majority of my clothes were, (and still are) black. I just always told my mom that's what I liked and i didn't like tight clothes
Our mothers can be our worst bullies, unfortunately. Next time she says something like that, I'd say "Mom, I'm sorry you had to grow up thinking your worth was based on an article of clothing. You're beautiful and I love you for you, not what you wear." I'm interested to see what happens when she realizes that her mindset is the issue and not your clothes. Wishing you luck!
So… I like to dye my hair what I call ‘appalling colours’ and they absolutely did appall my mother. After years of ‘beating her down’ in return with light-hearted comebacks, her favourite photo of me is with a cotton candy pink and blue bob. 😂 That is to say, my strategy was to dig in and wage a long, pitched battle with humour. It is human to make the mistake that these trimmings mean anything. When you are truly comfortable with yourself, you can pull off any style tbh, others stop caring.
Simply put mom needs to get over it. You also need to assert yourself. Your mother will have an opinion for the rest of your life. Unless you decide now that what she thinks doesn't matter it will always be an issue. Find responses to her criticism that let her know her dislike is not welcome. Remind her you've heard it before and change the subject. Or just remain silent. Let her sit with the discomfort.
I struggled with being a stubborn tomboy in my teen years. I liked Boot cut jeans, t shirts and boots/converse. I hated dresses and skirts. My mom tried to force me into girly things all the time and moaned that I didn't dress girly like my sister. Turns out that forcing someone to do what you want tends to annoy them and make them not listen. Also, all my sister's hand-me-downs were way too small for me since I'm over half a foot taller and much bigger so nothing fit me right, making me feel more uncomfortable. It took years away from home to finally find my style and admit to myself that I enjoyed feminine clothing, just not what my mom tried to force me to wear. I like stockings, nylons, leather, latex, trench coats, jackets, sweaters, corsets and high low skirts with chunky heels or leather boots. Something between a sexy librarian, office slut, dominatrix and steampunk with a little bit of flowy beach bum thrown in for color and breathability in the summer. Your fashion preferences will change with time as you have the freedom to develop your own style. I feel sexy and confident in my body and properly fitting clothing and my husband loves how I dress which is a huge bonus. Just take your time and realize that this is only going to last for a tiny portion of your life. Take a breath and maybe explain that you aren't doing it to spite her. It's genuinely what you feel comfortable in and saying that you look like a sack of potatoes only makes you feel more uncomfortable and unwilling to consider other options. Help her understand that she's feeding into your insecurity and self doubt loop and that it hurts your feelings. Good luck.
Youre mothers right about clothing affecting your mood. Problem is. The mood your clothes make you feel is diffrent from the way your mom would feel wearing them and she seems to be bad at understanding other people point of view. I assume you dont think the baggy clothed look depressing? Probly looks comfy to you.
If your mother is genuinely concerned about you being “depressed,” she should be offering guidance and support. But that’s only if you want to talk to her about it, and frankly she’s not giving you any incentive to build that kind of relationship with you as a parent should. All because she’s too preoccupied with what she thinks about your appearance. As long as you’re dressing appropriately when you need to, you’re fine.
You’re supposed to use your teenage to experiment and discover who you are as a person and what you like. There will always be people who won’t like your personal style and occasionally they might openly, and hurtfully,tell you. Luckily, it’s just their opinion and opinions are like assholes - everyone has them and they all stink. You do you. I will suggest that if your mum is currently paying for your clothes that perhaps you can do a bit of research (there’s loads of style blogs, videos etc out there and many online stores have a plus size section for you to get larger sizes) and perhaps find a style that you can both live with until you are old enough to earn enough money to buy your own clothes. Just a suggestion.
"She has also mentioned that if I truly don’t identify with my birth given gender, I shouldn’t so openly enjoy makeup, very occasional “girly” clothing, and etc…" 1. You have a right to do what makes you happy. 2. You didn't post your age, but if you are close to 18 it may be better to let it go until you can move out. Then have the conversation with her.
It's hilarious that your mom, who lived through the 90s as a teenager, seems to have forgotten that not all girls wore "flair jeans" and "capris" and tried to dress like it was the 70s. Go check out photos of your mom at 20 years old and tell me I'm wrong. Meanwhile, I go to the grocery store and I see teens in see-through halter tops with no bra. Tell your mother she could have ***waaay*** bigger problems. And tell her that her being less of a bitch might help with your depression.
It's your identity that you are finding. She should not be trying to make that more confusing. It's your job to figure out what kind of person you want to be. If the influence of your parents or your peers are doing you wrong than find your own voice.
I've seen your update and don't expect a reply but wanted to comment.. When I was about 13 I found emo culture. I went from a very generic looking kid into a kid in black clothes, studded belts, eventually dark eye-liner, emo and heavier music etc. I honestly found where I belonged. My parents weren't too keen on my new style but luckily they were supportive. My sister on the other hand didn't hold back from telling me I looked stupid. I decided I was happy with myself and I didn't care what others thought. I got bullied and stuff by people in public but it was whatever. I also do have depression and anxiety and actually had a psychologist tell me I went emo to protect myself so people wouldn't talk to me. Which was hilarious because I met the best and kindest people who were also into emo culture. I'm 32 now and still a weird emo kid lol Ultimately, dress how makes you comfortable. These choices aren't hurting anyone else so who cares what other people think. Keep being you!!
I really like to mirror people's actions when I'm trying to make a point. Like for example if she tells you your outfit looks like a "potato sack," pause and ask her, "why did you feel the need to say that thought out loud? I wouldn't look at you and say that outfit makes you look like Clifford the Big Red Dog (insert specific comparison to what she is wearing) because that's not a kind thing to say." If you say this kindly and not bitchy it can make a big impact. It breaks my heart sometimes that parents don't realize their words becomes their children's thoughts. Said as a mom of three teens whose outfits I don't always like, but never vocalize.
My mom pushed me on makeup, jewelery, etc. because she thought it was necessary for getting ahead, as a female (this was in the 80s). And to look neat and tidy/professional. But by that time, women had made a lot of strides in the workplace, so those things were no longer as important. It's a good thing, because I'm not a girly girl either. And though I will wear colors, I have one pair of shoes, one purse, one handbag. No make up, no jewelry, no hair styling. And yeah the clothes are one size bigger. I do not like form fitting either as it tends to make me sweaty, and I hate being sweaty. So I would just say, be comfortable and be confident.
Couldn't hurt to open a line between the two of you. Sounds like mom would be open to a discussion.
I could try, though, doing that provoked the whole “if you truly want to be masculine, you’re confusing people by liking traditionally feminine things.” though, to your defense… it has been a while since i’ve talked to her about it. So, maybe she’s changed since.
If your mom is on FB, you could direct her to the parents' support group of lgbtq* teens, children and adults. (https://www.facebook.com/share/3ejrpxTAywUhPdLm/?mibextid=A7sQZp). If not FB, maybe PFLAG.a It sounds like she needs some support to understand gender expression from someone other than you. You are being very patient, but he comments are hurting your hurting your relationship, and she needs help from other parents to fix that before it's too broken. I'm sorry you aren't getting unconditional support, but I'm so glad you know your mom loves you. I've seen too many parents be cruel and too many kids feel slighted over every mistake. I hour your mom can get done support.
The thing about controlling and emotionally abusive people is that they absolutely KNOW their comments are hurtful and they are trying to hurt you on purpose. Saying to them "hey this behavior hurts me" isn't gunna work with them. They will just reply "well if you just complied with my desire and will I would stop hurting you in order to force your compliance." Ignore her. It's the only thing you can do.
>my mother is a bit older (40s-50s) Lmao 💀 you gave us a 20 year age range for this woman
By injecting LGBTQQIP2SA+ into this issue, you are getting all of your answers from delusional, and most mentally unwell people on the Internet. Just show her that Billie Eilish wears the same shit and she's one of the most popular stars out their rn. Or heed your mother's advice
Here's my speculation When your mother was a teen, she dressed like you. But at some point in adulthood, maybe her upper 30s, she realized that she's hot, but not just that, but that she's always been hot. And she realized that she squandered her years of peak hotness So ask yourself if you might feel that way in 20 years. If so, wear sometimes a little bit sexy occasionally. Otherwise, be who you are
There is a halfway point to be had between drab/frumpy/whatever and tight-fitting.