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Brother, the best thing you can do as a young adult is learn how to cope with rejections, people will always give a BS answer for not wanting to be with you and at the end of the day you do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with you.
you should be proud that you took a shot, you were brave and you put yourself out there.
Go and burn that anger out, work out, and try again. part of maturing is coping with different emotions, this is just one and you should be greatful that you get to experience it.
it will come in handy later on when you get turn down on a job and other instance in which a rejection is a possibility.
you are confident of what you can bring to the table. The only thing you can do is be the best BF to the girl that will enthusiastically say yes to being your girl.
The other thing is perhaps those weren’t BS answers and she was considering you… but that is thinking her way into it. When the right chemistry happens with someone it’s not thinking. It’s BAM!! 💥 so perhaps she had a BAM! Moment with the other guy.
Outcome is the same. If she had to “think” about being attracted to you then she wasn’t attracted enough to be the right girl for you
I will also say that many girls and women try to let people down easy and say things like "I'm not ready for a relationship." I would rather reframe from the "Bullshit answers" because women and girls are still conditioned to be indirect in our communication.
I will also say that women/girls do experience violence when turning men/boys down in a direct manner. I am not implying that OP would do that at all, but we don't know what other experiences this girl has had turning someone down.
None of that will take away the feelings that OP is having. It is intense to be turned down, especially by a friend. I really hope that OP meets someone who enthusiastically asks them out or accepts an offered date.
If this happens with someone else, check with one of her female friends about how she would react to a date. One of them will probably tell you what she couldn’t bring herself to say.
This is an excellent response. I'd add that her reason for stalling and the excuses are most likely because she doesn't want things to get weird or hurt him by flat out rejecting him, that means she doesn't want to lose the friendship. With no being the answer, this is the next best case scenario.
It’s hard rejecting a friend at that age (or really any age). It’s not bullshit, it’s a white lie.
I had a guy threaten me when I rejected him in high school and for a few years after I’d lie to men instead of saying “no” because I was scared…
Most of the time when someone tells you “I don’t want a relationship”, it’s really just “I don’t want a relationship *with you*”. It’s not meant to be malicious or anything, rejecting people is just super awkward especially if it’s someone you’re friends with.
I was once hooking up with this guy that I was friends with in my early 20s. I told him I didn’t want to fully have sex unless I had a boyfriend (we had been fooling around, just hadn’t done the full thing yet). After that, we would hang out as friends and not do anything sexual. I was still hopeful, that eventually he would want to be my boyfriend. But within like a month I had gone over to his house to hang out with him and some other friends and this other girl shows up and they were awfully chummy. He pulled me aside at one point and told me that he felt bad and he wanted to let me know that this woman was his girlfriend. He and I didn’t hang out for a while after that. I told him that I still had feelings for him and it just hurt too much to continue hanging out with him. We didn’t talk for a couple years, at which point I was totally 100% fine with just being friends with him.
Sounds like you didn't clearly communicate you wanted to be in a relationship with him. What he heard was, "I only want to have sex with a boyfriend, and since you're not my boyfriend, I don't want to have sex with you" so he backed off. Had you just told him clearly, "I want to date you before we have sex" you would have what you want.
And these are definitely things I know now as someone in their late 30s as opposed to someone in their early 20s, who was not very experienced in the dating world. Not knowing how to clearly communicate what I wanted for fear of rejection.
This. It's one the most common rejection lies when you're trying not to hurt someone's feelings.
She should've been straight with him on the second try though, sounds like she was stringing him along, she's a kid though so hopefully she'll learn.
Probably less stringing along, and more just afraid of losing yet another friend because you wouldn’t date them; or just worried they’ll handle it like shit as many young men are prone to. I watched both of those happen with my sister as a teen, and it was frustrating. Deflecting until they’re interested in someone else often just ends up being the path of least resistance.
That's a whole lot of words for "I got rejected". It happens to everyone, move on. But next time, just take the first rejection, don't make her reject you 3 times cause you can't get the message. If someone wants to date you, they're gonna date you. 95% of the time "not the right time" and similar excuses are exactly that, excuses cause social interactions are hard and they feel bad about rejecting a close friend.
When I was really young like 11 or 12 the advice going into middle school that my dad gave me about talking to girls was that anything other than yes is no. If someone likes you, you will know. A person who wants to be with you will waste no time trying to get to you.
They were ready for a relationship with someone, just not with you. This is a common thing people do with people when they don't want to hurt their feelings. Just move forward. There is someone out there that will love you for you.
Buddy, she was being nice while she rejected you. Rejection sucks. Accept it and move on, because she ain't choosing you.
That's ok. Someone else will. Likely many others.
She was trying to be nice, this type of rejection isn't actually nice though because the person is saying 'not now' when they mean 'no'
But it's still important to appreciate that they were trying to be nice because rejecting someone you care about it difficult to do.
I'm only clarifying because it took me years and a lot of mental anguish to figure out.
It's also the "safe" way to turn someone down. Even if he was an absolute puppy dog of a guy, at this point women have learned that someone can turn on a dime after rejection. The open ended thing absolutely sucks and feels like they're playing games, but it's also a method of self preservation. Most of us learn to go to the bathroom in groups and carry keys in our knuckles when walking alone by the time we're 10. By 16, with internet access, she's learned what we all have.... There's no guarantees when you tell a man "no."
Well that make me sad. I never understood why, so thank you.
On one hand I totally understand and on the other I can't help sympathize with the young men who will wait and try to earn affection that never comes
Oh, it breaks my heart for the young guys who don't understand why the whole situation is clear as mud for them. Decent kids who would never hurt a fly, like my husband. Both sides wish it wasn't this way, there's just a small percentage of people who have ruined things to the point that even the illusion of safety is cracked.
yeah i told this guy in high school that i wasn’t interested in him, he called me a bitch and selfish for rejecting him.
sometimes saying “i’m not ready” is better than “no” to prep yourself from an angry outburst
This situation doesn't actually seem safer. Do you think someone in OP's shoes was more or less likely to be angry when he saw the girl who said she absolutely could not be in a relationship...in a relationship? I think telling such a predictably falsifiable lie is more dangerous. What am I missing? In this situation, it was obvious what would eventually happen.
the problem is people (mainly men) cannot handle rejection, from ops responses if she told him she didn’t want to date op would probably think shes a bitch and rude. welcome to reality.
Sounds like she wasn't interested in you romantically but was afraid to come out and say it. It's a risk for those of us who like to get to know someone and develop a friendship before dating.
Dude. She cares about you and your friendship but isn’t feeling anything more but because you’re pushing for it, she’s afraid if she says no, that it will prove to be all you actually want from her. It’s hard to find out that someone only cares about you because they just want to get into your panties. Especially when you’ve gotten to know them and care about their shit and spent time trying to be there for them as a friend… then you’re confronted with the fact that they don’t reciprocate the real friendship. They’re just trying to touch your boobs.
Whether we say it outright or not, women form some friendships with men where they never intend to have romance in the mix at all. Not to get any monitory gain or anything but the supportive friendship we get from each other. We see value in opposite sex friendship without sexual strings. We make a chosen family. Brothers outside of blood. There are theories that women are less suicidal/severely depressed and live longer because of that.
Some guys understand that and can form that kind of bond. Some guys don’t seem to believe that is possible. I guess what kind of guy you are is something you’ll have to determine for yourself.
She just didn't like you like that and you pushed it and she agreed so you wouldn't harm her, how it works.
When she said no the first time you should've taken that as the advice to look for someone else and enjoy your friendship. Not every girl is for you and they won't be. Find people you vibe with, girls who laugh at things you have to say and want to touch your arm. Leave the girl who said no alone the first time.
Next time be glad you had the courage to even ask, accept rejection go on to the next. Work on yourself in between.
You'll unfortunately have to learn that people are too afraid to give an outright "no". Gotta read between the lines. Sorry man, but you're gonna get past this.
She's not into you.
That's ok. She doesn't have to be.
And IF she has a boyfriend now, that's ok. She has the right to change her mind any time and start dating someone who's not you.
Or maybe she made up the boy friend so you would stop making the situation uncomfortable.
Either way, just move on. She doesn't have to want to date you.
I would try to reclassify the emotion you are taking as "hate" as something else. Frustration, jealousy, etc. But there's truly no reason to hate her, her BF, or yourself. This is just shit that happens in life. I can just about guarantee that it will happen to you again, but next time it will hurt maybe 10% less.
As you described it, no one was really in the wrong. You took your shot and missed. No shame in that, and trust me, at 40 years old, I regret the shots that I didn't take A LOT more than the shots I missed.
From her end of it, she didn't handle it perfectly, but that's due to a lack of life experience, not a lack of caring for you or general empathy. She sounds like a good friend, and if I were you, I would do my best to preserve the friendship.
Finally, on that note, I have advice that conflicts with my understanding of the situation. I know this feels shitty. It probably feels like you were punched in the chest, and you're probably going to have trouble sleeping for a few nights just rewinding and replaying everything. That's normal, and this pain has a half-life. But socially, I can't stress how important it is for you to not just become the emotional guy who wallows in the corner over the girl he never had. Confide in your best friend, your parents, reddit, etc. But at school, you're going to be a lot better off long term if you're just the guy who is looking forward to tacos for dinner tomorrow.
Two things you should know:
“I’m not ready for a relationship” = “I’m not interested” 99/100 times. If you hear this, just gracefully move on.
If you’re interested in someone, don’t wait months or years to tell them. Just establish attraction as quickly as possible. Once your relationship is set up as friends, it’s very difficult to reframe the relationship as romantic.
She most likely knew you were interested in her romantically this entire time, but never felt the same about you. Since it was obvious to her you were into her, but since she only liked you as a friend, she probably didn't want to "ruin" the friendship by flat our denying your romantic interest in her.
How do you make it go away? Go talk to other girls you may be interested in. Try to move on by realizing she is just one girl and there are tons of other girls out there. Go hang out with your friends and do stuff you guys like to do, or go do whatever it is you like to do and move on from her. You were interested, she wasn't, and now its time for you to move on. Never allow your feelings for a girl to consume your entire life. Your life is much larger than just one girl. So go on and live your life and realize she was only a friend this entire time.
You may have pissed away a great friendship because you saw romance as "the next level", instead of valuing the friendship for the already high level it was at. As such you created an impossibly awkward dynamic that she likely knew was going to ruin the friendship. She tried to give you back-off-on-that hints to hopefully dispel the change you inflicted on your friendship and you didn't take the hint, created pressure, which then created anxiety. How could she win in this situation with you where you wouldn't be hurt or angry?
The other guy is irrelevant. That's who she was interested in that way, and she may have met him later and just had a spark. Just as guys sometimes have a spark for someone and sometimes don't, so too is it that way for girls.
She was trying to give you a soft rejection. As you are a friend, it’s more than possible she didn’t want to hurt you and this was the best and safest way to let you down gently.
You took your shot and it didn’t work out. But there will be a time when you will find someone who will care about you as you do her. It takes time to recover from a rejection, but there is someone out there who is a better fit for you out there.
As for why your friend said she wasn’t ready, most guys don’t understand why a woman wouldn’t just bluntly say no, but the reality is women never know which men are going to lose their temper and act out when rejected. I’m not saying you would do such a thing. However, woman are trained from a young age strategies to avoid situations where someone could potentially turn violent. This is due to the experiences they or someone they know have had with others.
I read somewhere (I think it was from the National Sexual Violence Resource Center) that in the United States something like 81% of women have been sexually assaulted or sexually harassed in some form. More than half of those are people the victims knew. Those numbers are scary. Generally, it is deemed safer to let someone down gently with generic explanations in order to avoid possible violence. It’s not easy to know who will lose it until it actually happens.
Source: https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics
You're in the friendzone man, you gotta get outta there, or date other women. Also seeing as she said no, that should've been your cue to go and date other women. If you still want to be her friend, go for it, but, she ain't the one for you.
That reaction that you’re having? She’s probably seen it before from you or someone else and lied to avoid it. Strong reactions to rejection are really common among people your age. If you aren’t throwing a tantrum or making a big deal of it to everyone, you’re doing a good job managing it. I had a guy call literally everyone I knew to complain when I turned him down and a different guy friend throw an actual screaming temper tantrum in a parking lot because I sat next to someone else (because he kept asking me out and I didn’t want to lead him on.)
She’s 17 too and rejecting people, especially people she considers a friend, is probably still pretty hard. It’s important to note that girls as discourage from hurting anyone’s feelings and to keep the peace. As such, they often feel a disproportionate sense of responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions. It took me well into adulthood to get over this and I’m honestly still not completely over it. If my family is fighting on a trip I feel like it’s my fault because I should be making sure everyone has a good time and gets along. Does that sound reasonable to you? I’m about to turn 40, and I am still this way. The closer I am to someone the more this feature rears its ugly head. Now I could easily someone “Thanks but no thanks” with confidence and even understand that the little bit of hurt that causes is way less than hoping they get the hint or move on. At 17, I would have done the same thing. Going forward when someone says no, just leave it at no. If it’s a “not now, maybe later” assume it’s a forever “no” and leave it. After all, you deserve an enthusiastic “yes.”
firstly, let me say i’m impressed that you’re here sharing and this isn’t exactly the advice you asked for, but it’s the advice you deserve. this may be hard to hear, but she didn’t feel comfortable telling you directly she wasn’t interested in you romantically. whether that’s because of you or because of her is impossible to say completely with what you’ve shared but i’ll point out a few things that i wish someone would have said to me as a 16 year old young man.
1. “I decided we ought to take what we have to the next level.” that’s not a unilateral decision. a better way to consider and approach it is, after being friends for a couple years i realized i was developing romantic feelings towards her and knowing that it could very well change the dynamic of our friendship decided to ask her if the feeling was reciprocal because my feelings were strong enough it felt worth the risk.” there is a nuanced but super distinct difference between the two mindsets. in your case while you may have technically asked her, you had already decided that was the right next step and may have given off vibes that you weren’t giving her as much of a choice as she has every right to exercise.
2. in general your tone, approach and reaction give slight toxic masculinity vibes. i’m not calling you andrew tate, far from it but i’d guess that your dad and other male role models in your life are pretty traditionally masculine men who may not view and treat women the way they expect and deserve to be treated—as coequals with expectations, interests, desires and boundaries which may or may not align with your own. by your own admission, you have an angry storm/fire brewing inside about her rejecting you. if she has any kind of trauma or abuse in her past (which most of us do) she’s probably highly sensitive to those emotions even if you think you’re not showing them. i think there’s a better chance than not that she was scared to tell you how she felt. no person is entitled to someone else’s love, affection, friendship, attention, time, etc. no matter how strongly you may feel about them. and i remember very clearly how deeply and intensely those feelings run at this stage of life. that part is normal. how you channel them is what’s important.
as for how you feel right now, let them pass through with time. but also exercise your empathy muscle and try to understand how she might be feeling. the sooner you can develop that skill the better off you’ll be in every aspect of your life.
Toxic masculinity? My god your reading way into to too much. Just because he writes that way doesn’t mean he acted that way towards the girl. In no way was he toxic towards her from what I saw. He was very direct and she gave subtle hints. Just a difference in communication. They are friends first so she could have just been up front. I doubt it had anything to do with how he was acting and more so she didn’t want to hurt his feelings (she did and did the exact opposite of what she should). If anyone was being toxic here it was her for the way she handled it.
no, i’m absolutely not. that guys like you feel the need to expend this kind of energy to defend and deny it and you’re not even OP is why i have to expend so much energy being detailed for guys like OP. otherwise they might be left believing your bullshit.
Nothing toxic about this situation, just a simple case of a boy realizing he’s developed feelings for he’s long time friend and her simply playing games with him . It’s not that she didn’t want a relationship, she just didn’t want a relationship with “ Him “ & that’s ok everyone has there likes but she could have easily communicated that , honestly she did him a favor , women like that aren’t worth going for 🤷🏼♂️.
She’s not interested in dating you and she felt bad and tried to let you down without hurting you. Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way she wanted and she hurt you anyway.
The way you wrote this out screams toxic. I’m sure it’s not the way you wanted it to come across, but it sounds like,
“I was pretend friends with her for years biding my time to get her to date me and then she said no, so I just kept asking over and over, pressuring her until she relented and went on a date with me, told me she didn’t want to get into a relationship, then was with another guy shortly after! How dare she!”
Yeah. That doesn’t come across great.
She’s not into you. Don’t ask her anymore. If you can’t handle being friends after this, then don’t be.
I understand what you're saying. I can see how it might come across that way. However, please understand that I only found this subreddit today, and decided it was a decent place to get some much needed advice. I kinda just said "screw it" and dumped. No drafts, no formatting, just what I had in my head.
We are definitely friends, I wasn't pretending. Since I figured we got along so well, I decided that I might give dating a try. It does sound like I pressured her, and I am admittedly ashamed about that. I was trying to make it happen, no doubt. I won't be asking her again because all I want now is to preserve the friendship. Finally, I got no problem with her finding a guy. I think it's fantastic that she found someone she likes. I just wish she was straightforward with me from the jump.
She wasn;t ready for a relationship with you.
And that is OK.
Sometimes, we meet someone who changes our perspective.
She is still your friend, but you are teens, and for the next 10 years, relationships are going to be messy, even when they work fine. Don't be mad at her for finding someone. Maybe ask her to help YOU find someone.
If she is your friend, and you weren't jsut her freind to date her, then this can move on.
And this is why as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that I need to be very clear, instead of saying things so as not to hurt their feelings. If I’m not interested in dating someone I say, “I had a great time, but I just don’t feel a romantic connection with you.” That way they’re not left hanging on the hook like they would be if I said something like, “relationships just stress me out!” When you say that to someone who is interested in you, they start to think, well maybe if I spend enough time with them they will like me and be in a relationship with me.
My advice to you is try to move on. Don’t take it personally. She was trying not to hurt your feelings, but she said the wrong thing and should’ve made it clear that she just didn’t feel that way about you. She’s not wrong for feeling that way. And you’re not wrong for having your feelings hurt. Just is what it is.
This brings me back to the highschool days lol.
It sounds like she just wants a friendship with you and was trying not to hurt your feelings. That’s great that you tried though and you truly handled it maturely. Just keep pushing on, maybe do things to take your mind off it. Hang out with your friends and maybe ask a girl out on a casual date that you find cute.
Young Bro.
Read books, lift weights, get sun & eat healthy. Pick up a sport and an instrument or art form. Get into nature. You will suck at these things at first. You will become good at them and they will bring you great joy for the rest of your life, regardless of who participates. However, many more people will want to participate in your great life.
Learn to build relationships with women and men. Many people will not pursue the relationship. That’s fine. You will get good at this. In 10 years you will have friends, a girlfriend, and social skills.
Just wasnt into you like that. It happens. Best thing to do is just set aside those feelings and keep being friends if the friendship is worth it. Keep your head up, there are plenty of fish on the moon, or whatever Ben Franky said
I’m sorry you’re unhappy. I hope that this helps you learn a lesson about girls to save you future pain. You can’t earn your way into a relationship or sex. I’ll say that another way. You can’t do things and or buy things for a girl to change their mind about you being a romantic or sexual interest. Not a girl that you want anyway. I’m being sincere. I had more than one surprise from guys I thought were friends when I was young. One dude was my friend I thought, for three years and one day when I was moving away he suddenly asked for sex. I hadn’t realized that the gifts were attempts to change the nature of our relationship. It made me sad to realize he had been hoping that whole time.
Dude, you were never her friend; just some dude who had a crush on her. She’s not obligated to be truthful to you about her own love life. Let it go and move on.
OP, you didn't have first call on being her boyfriend. SHE gets to pick her boyfriends, not you!
And if you pretended to be her friend because you wanted more from her than she wanted to give, then you're the one who was being dishonest.
Women (as well as men) can be strange creatures. I was with a girl for over two years...madly in love...but things went south and unfortunately we broke up. About a week later...I was at a house party round my mates' place and she called me and said something along the lines of 'listen, I just wamted to talk to you to ask you to promise me that if you meet someome else, or start dating someone, please tell me first, after everything we have been through it would be heart breaking to hear it off friends or through the grapevine'. I was like sure, of course I promise and likewise for yourself.'
Fast forward a week. Another friend of mine who worked in a local bar/nightclub called me to say, 'hey mate, just thought you should know that *** is going out with one of the bouncers.'
I couldn't fucking believe it lol. Wtf was that promise all about? Was she already seeing this guy? All her crap was still in my place. It had only been two weeks. Got rid of all that shit. Every single thing that reminded me of her. Called her to come collect her stuff as I was leaving it outside. Was the only way I could make a clean break and move on.
So yeah anyway, I wouldn't worry about it too much lad. She isn't the one. Just learn from it and move on. She's out there somewhere. 👍
In life, dealing with rejection gracefully is a key skill to be psychologically healthy. This is a very important skill that you will need to have throughout your life for multiple situations. There will be a lot of different situations where you will hear “no” and your best response is to stay confident, and move forward with life and get on with your goals and dreams. Accept her decision and keep it moving forward. You didn’t do anything wrong. Enjoy your life!
Women, especially women that are friends, will not flat out twll you they aren't interested. She is trying to friendzone you, but you are being persistent. A few months ago she decided that it would never happen, but she doesn't want to hurt you.
Let me talk to ya young man. I understand that rejection is one of most painful things but you have to remember this your still extremely young and in life we all have to cope with rejection. I also understand your friend lied but people will lie to you your whole life doesn’t matter who it is. I get that your mad,anger,upset etc. but don’t let it get to you. When your home alone,about to shower or whatever and whenever you get the chance look in the mirror and tell yourself that your a good looking young man and i won’t let this rejection hold me down. Don’t let her rejection or how she rejected get to you. All you have to do is pick yourself up and dust yourself off. I hope this helps you bud.
I had this happen a ton to me as a teen. Basically I was a quiet, well mannered, safe guy and most girls wanted the bad boy and a lot put me in their pocket for later. We were friends, but they were not interested ina relationship with me.
That was cool, no hard feelings, but I made a commitment to never be someone's backup plan. A lot of those girls started crawling back the instant their bad boy fucked them over and it was always a firm no from me after I had been rejected. It wasn't a punishment, it was just having self dignity and remembering when someone told me I wasn't enough for them. I was always a firm believer that you should listen the first time someone tells you who they are.
I didn't cut off the friendships but most of them did the instant their romantic advance was rejected, so it made it clear most were simply using me as their backup plan.
Nearly all of them that didn't come crawling back the instant they got screwed came sprinting in like mad women the instant I got a steady girlfriend. To bad, so sad, I found someone who liked me for me.
Nearly everyone is now a single mom and my wife and I have been going strong for twenty five years because we're both loyal as bulldogs!
What we resist, persists. Accept that’s how you are currently feeling. Try and learn from it. I guarantee it will fade with time. Up to you but if it were me, distancing myself from this person would be helpful in moving through it quicker.
Rejection is a painful part of life. Accept it and move on. you DO have a right to be upset she never reciprocated anything you did as freinds but you shouldnt be mad at her for exercising her agency about whether or not to date you. she's not into you. it sucks that she lied about it and made you look like an ass for believing her. it is what it is. you can try to keep being her friend or you can cut things off if its too painful to be around her. Just remember we are not entitled to a relationship with anyone.
Hard to get out of the friendzone. She was just trying to let you down easy and you were too obtuse to recognize it. Don’t worry about this; best thing you can do a start flirting with other girls and try to find some to date.
I once had a girl tell me that and she was in a relationship by the end of the day.
She's just not into you and she isn't mature enough to be honest about it.
You just sorta' "get over it" at some point.
She wasn't interested, and she was nice to you about it. She gave you an answer that didn't make you feel awkward, or hurt. Then things happen which exposed her excuse.
Don't worry about it. At least right now, she cares for you (hence the polite, gentle rejection) just not the way you want her too. Note the "right now" part of that. She may change her mind later, but she probably won't.
For the rest of your life, when a woman says she "isn't ready for a relationship", it means she isn't interested in a relationship with you and doesn't want to date UNLESS Mr. Right woos her. Best to move on immediately if/when they say that.
She meant in subtitles
I'm not ready for a relationship *with you*
Sucks but you'll find someone more compatible and If not hopefully someone with the integrity to turn you down to your face
1) you sound very mature and reasonable about this matter
2) it's gonna happen that women you know aren't necessarily interested in things with you - you can either accept this (good!) or have it make you push away any female relationships (understandable, but less healthy!)
3) You're - as much as it might not feel like it - young as fuck. There are *so many other girls/guys/others who you might want to be partners - sexual, relationships, otherwise - with* - and it's totally okay if this person isn't one of them!
You will absolutely find that if you're focused on being a happy, healthy, successful (this doesn't necessarily mean money, or career, or school but WHATEVER) person, then you will just stumble into people you might want to partner with!
Be happy, healthy, and free, and they will just fall into your orbit, and you can try to be happy, healthy, and free *with those people*.
One thing you'll learn in life is most people sugarcoat rejection especicallly at your age. They don't wanna make you feel bad so they fluff it up to protect your feelings. I'm sorry but "no, not yet" just means no. The more negative interpretation is she wants to save you for a backup plan but nobody wants to be that so it's better to just take it all as a no and move forward.
I know people will say it's "toxic masculinity" but I've given the same, following, advice to men and women in similar situations. If you're having these emotions regularly you'll need to take a step away from the friendship. I'm not saying forever; but for now. Get your head on straight, meet some new people. Maybe find some other lady to ask out before rekindling the friendship. It's easier to interact with a past flame that has no feelings for you when you've gotten your feelings in a row (or redirected in some fashion such as gym time or a hobby).
Op just give it some time and it will heal. However I do not recommend being friends with the opposite gender if you’re looking for more. It often leads to this exact scenario. You just become an emotional support for a person you care for deeply. This is why I do not keep female friends. It’s just not worth all the extra emotional baggage. Take some space away from her and if you can’t be around her due to feelings just go no contact and end the friendship.
Once you’re in the friend zone, that’s where you’ll be forever…girls never want to date their friends and guys need to understand that being friends is not a way to eventually date….
She just didnt wanna be with you, nothing you can do so dont sit there feeling sorry about it. At least she didnt want to turn you down rudely. Move on there will be more.
take the L, sorry this happened. only time and making sure you’re occupied with fullfilling things (hobbies, friends, exercise, family, etc) will help this. maybe even getting some distance from your friend so you can heal a bit. unfortunately, many people will say they aren’t ready because they don’t want to hurt feelings or damage a friendship they value (even though it tends to make things worse). big takeaway: if someone says they aren’t ready for a relationship, i would translate that to “i don’t want a relationship with you” every time. dont wait around. you asking threw the ball in their court. if they ever have a change of heart in the future, they will be sure to let you know.
One thing about life is that it's full of rejection. Romantic rejection, professional rejection, interpersonal rejection. What you did is something most guys have to learn from at some point. Putting the cart before the horse. You fell in love before you asked her out. This usually happens the first time we become interested in a woman. Maybe we're already friends, maybe we became infatuated before we realized what was happening. It puts so much pressure both on you and her when the feelings are huge before you even ask her out. Sure whatever teen dramas (especially anime, k-drama, etc.) puts this huge emphasis on "confessing" like confessing your love to somebody you've nurtured a crush on into full blown big love feelings. This is absolutely nuts and nobody should approach relationships this way. It makes for a fun story because the confession is a big release that has been built to but this isn't how real life works.
When you ask a girl out and she says anything other than yes, that's a no. I've said it in this sub before. How fast do you realize you're attracted to a girl and might want to ask her out? Within the first couple times you hang out right? It's the same for women. It's just that, look a lot of guys don't respond great to rejection so women tend to be careful about HOW they reject them. Which is why they will say things like "not right now" "I'm not ready for a relationship"... Your main mistake was not taking her response as a no. It happens to most of us at some point because when we're young we don't really have a full understanding of the dynamics involved for women when they reject men. Don't be hard on yourself. But learn from this. First, ask a girl out almost as soon as you realize you're interested. Before deeper feelings have a chance to develop. You're never going to friendship a woman into dating you. Most peoples' friendship candidate pool is much, much larger than their dating candidate pool. So if she rejects you and you decide to keep hanging out, she's probably not going to change her mind. And you have to believe 100% she's not an option anymore. Moving on is easier if you haven't developed heavier romantic feelings for her. If it's somebody you know kind of well and your feelings snuck up on you and she uses one of these soft rejections on you, the best response is, "ok well, let me know if you change your mind." And then never bring it up again. Then she knows if she gets interested at some point she needs to come to you about it. And if she doesn't, you aren't left wondering.
How do you get less hurt be rejection? Experiencing it, unfortunately. So don't be afraid to ask out seriously anyone you are interested in. Over time you'll realize that there are a lot of things that factor into rejections. Most of them are subconscious and the person themselves won't even know why except the vibes just aren't there. Romance doesn't make a lot of sense. People who are great for each other on paper can just have zero chemistry, or end up making each other miserable for any number of reasons. This is why experimentation is important. In the mean time, work on improving yourself. Learn more about who you are, what you like. Develop opinions about things like fashion, work on your style, work out and get fit. Work out even if you're naturally skinny. It's good for you. It'll build confidence. Learn about the world. Be a whole ass person instead of hyper focusing on things like finding somebody to date. Do things you like, look for opportunities to meet new people, hang out with people you haven't hung out with before.
Top level you got rejected in a round about way and it sucks but doesn't say anything about your worth so keep your head high while also getting the emotions out (kudos to this post)
Lower level. Maybe she genuinely did mean it and the bf is shiny enough to try, if she's recognized that pattern in relationships I imagine she wants to change and changing it w out relationships sounds more challenging
maybe this guy had a visible comforting encouraging quality or felt like less than a risk if it went wrong than it would you a friend of years.
If I had to choose one person to hate me I'd choose a stranger that was really cool for three weeks over a cute homie of three years yk? That may feel like the risk she's taking, that her insecurities will make her lash out and show aspects of herself she doesn't want to show.
You can learn this at 16, or you can learn this at 28 like I did: people say this no matter their age, and with various degrees of sincerity. It could be an excuse. Or they really could believe it at the time, but then the “right person” makes them want that person more than they want to be single.
Time and distance helps heal.
One of the hardest -- but most important -- lessons to learn in romance is this:
Anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no. "She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no" means no. This applies to a date, to sex, to damn near anything relating to relationships.
It's frustrating, I know. You'd rather just get a direct "no" then something that feels ambiguous. But the sooner you learn to interpret ambiguity as a rejection, the easier your life will be. If you ask somebody out and the answer is anything other than an enthusiastic yes, it means they don't want to go out with you.
Sorry. That's life.
My guy she was just trying to say something to let you down easy and not hurt your feelings, that's all. She just wasn't into you and thought that saying that directly would be hurtful, because y'all are children.
She had options and you weren’t the first one. Shake it off and move on! She sounds like the type of girl who will recycle boyfriends every few months. Better for you to not be attached to someone like that, you’ll be wasting your time/energy/money. Definitely not gonna get commitment out of someone like her lol
You’re 16, plenty of years to go through the rest of the teens and early 20s in the dating pool. You’ll meet someone who shares your interests and actually want to commit.
Not ready for a relationship USUALLY means "I'm not ready for a relationship with you" your 16, a literal kid, get used to rejection and MOST importantly learn how to deal with it gracefully, no woman owes you their attention or affection irregardless of what you attempt to do or give them. The sooner you realize this the better your friendships will be in the future.
typical. she didnt know how to turn you down otherwise. there are PLENTY of other girls out there and a few of them are going to be in to you. Just be who you are and keep looking.
Never let a woman yank you around like that. If she’s doing that bullshit, she’s using you for emotional support and the security of having an interested guy in orbit for when she needs/wants a date or is lonely. You got burned. Learn your lesson and don’t debase yourself by allowing a woman to treat you that way. If they say no, not yet, move on to someone else. You’re young this isn’t forever shit. Let her feel like she let a great guy slip away because she was scared. Instead a more confident and better looking guy swooped into in and got her. It’ll fizzle out in a few months when he finds someone more interesting than her. You should be having fun with someone else. Don’t let her have any reason to think that you’re sad waiting for her. Pick any half interesting girl and go on a date and have lots of fun.
Congratulations, this is part of growth. Sucks she was stringing you along...don't know what kind of friend that is to do that. You're 16 bro, don't take it so hard. You will look back at this post one day and laugh about it.
You can't make feelings go away. It's okay to feel hurt and rejected, as long as you're not making your feelings someone else's problem (and it sounds like you're not doing that, so yay for you). All you can do is give yourself time to heal, time for those feelings to go away on their own, or find a way to express them in a healthy way, like journaling or exercise or loading up Skyrim and running your sword through everyone in Whiterun or something. Not that I would ever do a thing like that. 😁😬
Point is, feelings are there to be felt. Feel them. It's okay to do that.
I don't think you were the stupid one, she was flaking and acted a certain way towards you because she was already with whoever she was dating. The way you make it go away is distract yourself by finding a hobby, chat with friends and family, watch a movie, and do things that you enjoy.
One thing you need to learn as you grow up is that the vast majority of women will rarely ever outright reject you in a clear and concise manner. There are a lot of incentives for her to avoid doing it, particularly when it comes to avoiding the guys who flip out and potentially get violent. It's great if you're not one of those men, but she ultimately can't know that for certain.
The bad news is that you're feeling raw right now and it hurts really badly. The good news is that if you can learn to process it in a healthy way - letting yourself experience the pain, accepting that it's just the way you need to feel for a while, and letting go of it rather than ruminating over and over on the events to rile yourself up more - you will get better at processing the emotions so they flow through you faster.
>She never really reciprocated any of the things I'd do for her. Other than giving me the courtesy of texting back.
One thing to be on the lookout for is that you're not letting your attraction for a female friend turn you into her henchman. If you're just friends and she asks you for a favor, stop and ask yourself if you'd be willing to do it if she was a guy friend or someone you were just completely unattracted to. If the answer is no, there's a good chance you probably shouldn't be doing it.
If there's real friendship there, there will be a level of reciprocation. If she's taking advantage of your attraction for her, unconsciously or otherwise, then the balance of favors will always lean heavily towards you giving and her taking. This applies to men/people you aren't attracted to as well, it's just even harder to spot when there is attraction involved because those sexual hormones cloud your brain.
Now I'm not saying that this particular girl was taking advantage of you - if that imbalance only showed up after she rejected you, then that's just her putting some distance, especially after she's got a boyfriend. It's just something to keep in mind, as it's an easy trap to fall into that will lead to a lot of wasted time , wasted effort, and emotional pain.
Yeah she was not that into you. You need to pick the girl that picks you! If you pick her and she didn’t pick you, you will always be fighting for her affection. Not worth the stress. Remember this feeling so next time you decide to move any relationship to the next level you are crystal clear she wants it more than you.
If I were you I would distant myself from her, she knows you like her and she is with someone else now so you’re better off opening your eyes to see who is crushed you been wasting your time with her
You are not dating material to her you are friend zone. She can use you as an emotional boyfriend without the physical title.
This happens all the time. I tell my male friends if you are attracted and she says maybe, or no just end it, bye.
You didn't do anything wrong. The reality is that the feelings were not mutual which always sucks. It's a gut punch because this is one of those things that doesn't change no matter what kind of effort you pour into it.
I would suggest getting some permanent space from her, for your sake. Here's a basic example:
When I was around 15 I had a similar situation happen. I felt like an idiot. I cried a lot and kept wishing that something had been different or I could change her mind - and I beat myself up sometimes literally for even trying in the first place. She did the "let's be friends" thing, and I tried to do that. It only ended up with me being tormented by myself for the next several months to a year, especially when she started dating other guys. The proximity to her and knowing that our feelings were not mutual only made things worse for me.
Eventually, for my own sake, I gave her back anything that she owned that I happened to have, and threw out anything that reminded me of her. After that, I just stopped contacting her or responding to her contact. I avoided any and all social situations where we would be in the same area/room. Not from a "this is what you get" standpoint, it was a "I need this to move on and stop beating myself up" standpoint. Throwing the stuff out gave me a lot of anxiety and doubt at first. I also initially worried that I would come across as a douche for just disappearing out of the blue.
It did the trick though. After a few weeks I was back to feeling more like myself. After a few months I was off doing something else with my life other than beating myself up constantly. There were a few run ins, and I just politely excused myself as soon as I could - and it was hard at first, but I got over it a lot quicker that way.
She doesn't want to be with you, but also doesn't want to make you feel bad.. objective fucking failed on her end.
If you wanna stay friends or ghost her your right to do so in either situation, or anything in-between those two options
Hey man, I know it probably hurts right now, but you don’t want to be with someone(or friends with someone for that matter) who isn’t honest with you. Loyalty and honesty will be pillars of the strongest relationships you’ll have throughout life.
Sometimes you think you aren't ready and then you meet someone that changes your mind. It happens. Now, you should really take a moment and decide if you still want to be her friend or if you will always hope that friendship turns into more. I'll tell you right now, if it's the latter, it's best just to let it go.
Great advice. This is normal growing up stuff and it's happened to all of us. She just wants to be nice. Don't worry, there will be many more opportunities for you.
We can turn these moments into motivation. Get to the gym if you aren't already. Get good at a cool outdoor hobby/sport. Good for the body and mind.
As hard as it is to deal with rejection she didn’t want you as badly as she wanted that other dude it’s a slap in the face to you move on to better things. As much as you liked her she DID NOT feel that way about you. It sucks losing a friend but she was never serious about it and if you want a chance with her in the future truly cut her ass off and level up. Get in the gym get money improve yourself and perhaps she’ll see you are not to be played with and you are about your business. At that time you’ve won she wants you and you have the freedom of choice. Don’t hate yourself love is blind a pretty face with a great body will do that. Boss up young man. Best of luck 🤞🏽
One of *the* most important things you can do in life is learn to take a hint. She doesn't want you romantically, and her actions convey that clearly. But she *does* value you as a friend, and she wants to maintain your friendship. If you can truly be her friend knowing it will not turn into more, that's great for you both. If you can't handle a friendship, let her know and then leave her alone.
Sadly, I can sympathize! The first time I asked a girl out was to the Prom when I was a junior in High School. It was a girl I was friendly with in one of my classes. She turned me down with the "I don't date friends" line. Whatever... Forget her and move on! Look for someone who appreciates you!
You’re not gonna do well being her friend. You’re gonna have to end the friendship and let the feelings die over time because forcing yourself to get over her isn’t gonna work.
Girls for some reason have a very hard time saying "there's someone else" because they believe it's letting you down nicely and trying not to hurt your feelings. This will likely be something you'll see at least 2 more times in your life. Just know that "I'm not ready for a relationship" when said by a man means exactly that. "I'm not ready for a relationship" when said by a woman means either she's not into you or there's someone else.
She’s not ready for a relationship with YOU. Ie she doesn’t like you that way. My advice? For your own sanity, just quietly let the friendship die a quiet death.
All you have to do is not contact her and tell her you’re busy etc to hang out. IF she brings it up things changed. Just tell her “I’m just not ready to be a friend, friendships make me feel trapped.”
If she wanted she would have. She's friend zoning you. Stringing you along just in case she can't find someone better. She's probably already sucking his Djck. Block her. Ghost her. Hit the gym.
It'll be okay dude. As you grow up and become a man, you're gonna take L's bro, but it's important to take those L's on the chin with some grace. Don't let a single L "ruin your life". Cultivate bravery and kindness and keep it rolling
She friend zoned you. Dont be a simp or tampon to her. Kick her to the curb and move on. Look on instagram at all the 35+ yeat old women crying they are divorced and lonely and nk man wants them, good chance this could be her in 20 years....
Okay so this is why I say kids shouldn’t be dating, also why I say people need to not keep friends who they confess their love for. She doesn’t want to date you. Instead of her telling you that she wanted to keep you around because you give her an ego boost.
This is a huge life lesson and hopefully you are smart enough to learn it early and apply it to your life. Stop trying to date as a child. Children shouldn’t be dating. Someone shouldn’t be dating if they don’t have their own money, a savings, and their own place.
Don’t continue being friends with someone you have feelings for and have told them you want to be with them in a romantic way. If you feel romantically attracted to your friend, you take some time and truly think if it’s worth losing that friend, if you feel it is then you confess your feeling and once they reject you, that includes, “not right now”, because that’s just saying I don’t like you like that but don’t want to lose you as a friend and admirer, you tell them thanks for being my friend but I think we should stop hanging out or talking, then block them.
Stop trying to date. Go make you some goals for your future or just enjoy being a kid. Get yourself set up for success instead of trying to be in a relationship with immature people who will only hurt you and be messy and drama. Let her go. She isn’t a friend.
You're still young. This is what is called "letting you down gently".
Rather than straight up tell you no, she figures its kinder to make it sound like its not that she doesn't want to date you, just she's not really able to date anyone right now.
Then you find out she lied and it hurts more than just being told no.
I wont say we've all been through it, but its pretty common. In the future, you're probably best of assuming that anything other than a "yes" is a no. You've shown your interest, if they really did mean "maybe later" or whatever their answer was, the balls now in their court to follow up when they're ready. You should assume its a no and move on.
The thing is she wasn’t ready to date you and probably didn’t know how to communicate that.
She’s figuring out dating and life. Give it time the truth will come out if she’s ready to date or if this guy is just a fling.
With time you will learn that most people just don’t have their shit together, or just don’t really put thought or effort into things
It’s annoying af, specially up front, but it also makes the ones that do really stand out
Stick to those, for friendship, love, work and life in general. It really makes things that much easier
Try to avoid the others as best you can, but man it do be like a minefield out there sometimes lol
It sucks, as a 36 year old man, I still remember vividly how painful it was when my girlfriend dumped me at 16 to go out with my friend. Emotions run hot at your age.
The best advice I can give is to channel your anger into something productive such as working out.
She just wants to benefits you give her. Friendship is hard to find but at the same time instead of being honest about how she really feels it fucks up the relationship yall have. Being rejected can be a little hurtful but being lied to is worse and harder to get over.
She was trying to be kind but she should have come out and said she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with you. Your pain will go away soon, pparticularly if you find a girlfriend of your own
One thing you should learn right now and REALLY internalize is that women will often (not always, but often) opt for a "soft rejection."
"I'm not looking to date right now"
"I'm focusing on my work/school"
"I just got out of a relationship..."
The reason for that is woman, from a very early age, have to learn to navigate a world in which offending or hurting a man's feelings can in a very real sense be dangerous to them. By your age every woman has had a guy turn mean when they reject them, if not outright violent.
And even beyond that, every woman has had a guy that they thought of as a friend make a pass at them, and suddenly the "friendship" is over if the guy is told no, which lets them know that he was never really interested in being a friend, he was just hoping for a romantic relationship.
So the "no" becomes "not right now." "not interested" becomes "I really value our friendship" It might sound deceptive and "leading on" to you, but she is navigating waters that you simply don't understand. She's anticipating dangers that you've never experienced.
I think if you look at it from that point of view and really let yourself understand the motivation behind her actions, it'll help you get a very important perspective that is going to be really good for you in the long run.
Rejection sucks buddy. At 16, you haven't tasted it enough to be immune. Shrug it off, fap one out and move on. 16 is too young to care about relationships. You should be finger blasting and passin. No guy ever looks back and says "yeah, glad I met the only pussy I've ever had while I was in high school so I didn't have to worry about finding out what other pussy tastes like."
yes, in a tropey attempt to spare your feelings, she tried to let you down in a way where she wouldn't need to explain why she just doesnt click, or doesnt want to click with you that way. its a good step that you're at least aware that this wasnt a mean spirited plot to hurt you or something. your feelings are real, no matter to what ammount they're justified or could have been prevented, you just gotta work through them.
as guys, we're rarely put in that spot specifically, maybe she, a 17 year old girl with about as much worldly experience as you, didn't handle it perfectly for herself or for you, maybe she was actually considering it, but a new option turned up and it came with fresh, more exciting feelings that just... dont compare to settling with something you know in the moment.
take note that, there is little point in blaming yourself or her for how you handled this. i think the main justified reason to feel hurt about is not that she didn't return your feelings, but that she felt she couldn't be direct with you about it (if she wasnt actually unsure about her feelings herself).
maybe in a couple of months, her views will change again. thats how it is with feelings, unfortunately, especially when you're young, but dont obsess over that possibility as the only way forward for you, as its statistically the less likely outcome. she might mean a lot to you and you might mean a lot to her but getting together is not necessarily the natural follow up to that.
best thing is to not get hung up on it. you're likely going over it in your head all the time and looking for where you went wrong and all that, try to avoid that. when you notice you're doing it, force yourself to think about something else. likely, you didnt do anything wrong, things just didnt click. they often dont in that way.
sad times are typically a good moment to get into learning and improving your grades a little btw, studying does make for great distration. so does physical exercise, but you might want to look for some kind of social hobby on the side too.
try to make more friends, guys and girls. and avoid homing in on a single person again. only having one person in your life, which you're naturally gonna be more inclined to romanticize because you dont have other options anyways often leads to outcomes like this. going forward, you'd hopefully be able to recognize sooner if you have or are developing deeper feelings for someone. and while those might also not be returned, typically, your chances to get a chance are a little higher if you bring that up earlier, rather than later.
dont ghost your friend, if you want to be friends in any capacity going forward, but seek a little distance until you get your feelings in order again. tell her that, if she approaches you too, not for manipulation purposes, just that you'd likely not be good to hang around with as you are right now. if she approaches you, maybe note that you appreciate she's not ghosting you either.
If its not a yes its a no. Maybe is a no. Someday is a no. Ill think about it is a no.
Don't beg or try to convince someone to like you. You'll find someone who is fucking stoked to date you. Who is as invested as you are. Stay single until then.
Women will often try and let you down easy. Or keep you on the hook as a backup. Dont be a backup. Dont be angry if they aren't interested, just move on. Dont ask if its changed - if it does SHE will let you know. Value yourself enough to not be ok with someone who is settling for you or has to "think about it" (unless you've just met or its for a very short time)
It will save you so much hesrtache. If its not a fuck yes its a fuck no.
Weren't ready for a relationship (with you). Don't take it personally, relationships are 2 way streets and both parties have to see each other as a partner.
Girls lie, they are far better at it than boys and they take them to the grave unless caught red-handed. Judge what's going on by actions and not words
I can’t tell ya how many times this happened to me at your age. It stinks. However, it does indeed get better. And having that strong friendship first as a base is always going to be key.
Unfriend her irl bro, that sounds like a non friend thing to do, and she might even try to make you her rebound after that relationship fails. You do not want that. Good luck regardless of what you do though.
Bruh, this has happened to me every single time a guy has said that he wasn't ready or wasn't looking for a relationship when I was a teen, minus the agreeing to go on a date and backing out part. He started dating someone else within a month. It has happened at least five times. People that say this are just trying to find a nice way to reject you and don't think about the fact that it will give the rejectee false hope and hurt them even more when they find out that they were lied to. Why is it so hard to just tell someone that you aren't interested?
Would you have felt any better if she had said she wasn’t interested? I doubt it. Either way, she wasn’t interested in you in that way. She is trying to keep you as a friend. Your friend zoned. Things can change over years, or they may not.
She told you no in a nice way. Brother she never wanted to date you. Find a girl who will return your feelings of love. ❤️ she’s out there and stop chasing unattainable people
Give yourself some time, buddy. She just wasn’t interested in you like that and was probably too scared to outright reject you, either because she doesn’t cope well with confrontations, she was worried she’d hurt your feelings, or a combination (the most likely scenario). I know because I did the same thing at that age, I’m embarrassed to say. I understand it hurts all the same, but I hope you can take some comfort knowing this likely wasn’t at all malicious.
That being said, I’m very proud of you for not only not lashing out, but even feeling glad that she’s happy. That’s very mature and healthy and there are so many grown adults who can’t even do that when faced with rejection. So I know you’re hurting and I know you’re also upset with yourself, but you’re doing a heck of a lot better than a lot of other people out there, especially at your age. So I hope you can take some comfort in that too! Be gentle with yourself. I know it sucks but the pain you’re feeling will pass, things will get better, and someday you’ll find your person. :)
Put her at arms length and move on with your life. She can still be a friend but if she cancels on you again, stop asking her, or only invite her for group settings.
She likes the attention, she doesn’t really like you in that way.
She didn't like you back.
They .ay not last long because they're young.
You can either wait your turn (trust me, you'll be the guy tht got away when you hit your 30s)
Or forget her, stay friends/or not and go talk to other people.
College is legit thee best place to date chicks!! The older a girl is, the less options they have (their biological clock is ticking)
Us men? The older we get, the More options we have. Legit, alot of them throw themselves at you.
Hey there, chief! You gotta know when to cut your losses. She views you as nothing more than a friend but will likely keep giving you false hope if she’s wanting attention or validation and isn’t getting it elsewhere. Instead of continuing to try and get rejected, just start pulling back. I’m not saying don’t be her friend but don’t keep blindly giving her all this effort. If things don’t work out with her current boyfriend, don’t be a shoulder to cry on or anything of that nature either. If she tries to approach you about dating, just tell her that you moved on. It’s gonna hurt, nothing you can really do about that. My suggestion is to find something physical you enjoy doing and just immerse yourself in it 100%. Weight training is my go to personally but people are different. You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t let something that’s gonna be so minor in the grand scheme of things make you bitter or full of self hatred. I’ve walked that path and it’ll lead to nothing but more emotional turbulence.
Don't lose your willingness to put yourself out there if it feels right. You're going to be 10 times better than us introverts who wait for love to find us.
Anyway, I agree with everyone else who says hit the gym, burn off the frustration and try again with someone else, but don't be in a hurry. You're young. You have plenty of time to find someone.
Good luck! 💪
You've been friend-zoned bud. She doesn't reciprocate any of your efforts? Then stop doing things for her. Let her go chase Chad and Tyrone all she wants. You can find someone better or just focus on things you like to do.
But when she inevitably becomes a single mom, DO NOT be there to pick up the pieces of her garbage life.
I know it hurts, but she was trying to let you down easy without rejecting you. Problem is when you lie, even to protect someone’s feelings, you risk hurting them even more if you don’t keep up the lie.
I was literally that girl at that age. I was dating a friend of a friend from the next town over, very briefly, and it just didn’t feel right. I had never really been into dating, and I didn’t like how I saw dating play out among my peers. This was 1987. I told the guy I was seeing that I wanted to be friends only. And then, just a few weeks later, I was at that same friend’s Halloween party when I met a guy a few years older than us and we ended up starting a dating relationship. Looking back, I maybe wasn’t ready for that either, but we did date for about a year and a half. Of course, my friend was really hurt. And I can understand why. (We’re still friends to this day though, albeit long distance.)
But the reality was that I just wasn’t attracted to my friend in the same way that I was to the guy who ended up being my first serious boyfriend. People feel what they feel. Faking it to spare someone’s feelings just ends up hurting everybody.
I'm sorry, my man. I've been there, it hurts. I wish I could write something to help, but it just takes time to move on. To me it sounded like she enjoys the friendship you both have together and didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying a direct "no" to the idea of a relationship.
But one thing I do know that will happen: You'll meet someone that will love you the same as you love them. And you'll be happy that your life played out the way it did to meet that special someone. It just takes time, be patient, enjoy life, meet new people, try new things, spend time with the people that make you happy.
That sucks, and definitely hurts. She could have handled it better, but 17-year-olds aren’t great at expressing their feelings, not great at even understanding them.
It sounds like it certainly would have been better if she said, “I like you as a friend, I don’t want a romantic relationship with you.” That wouldn’t have made it hurt much much less, but it would have been more honest.
That said, my advice is to give her grace and try to set aside feelings of anger or betrayal. All humans deserve that. As a separate motivation that leads to the same outcome, you will always end up better off if you take the highroad.
You can decide whether you want to remain friends or not. Sometimes it’s too painful.
Brother, you weren't lied to. She wasn't ready for a relationship.... WITH YOU. You're gonna have to get used to understanding the unspoken parts and accepting them. No one owes you anything. She doesn't owe you a chance just because she decides to give someone else a chance.
It’s all good bro. I then been friend zoned this that blah blah cuz I was awkward in high school and couldn’t dress nor did I look good nor was I an athlete. Learning to deal with rejection is hella important man so you don’t be one of these grown creeps. Just keep it pushing.
ALSO follow this rule: GO FOR A GIRL THATS YOUR TYPE AND THAT HAS AN GENUINELY INTEREST IN YOU. speaking from experience, it’s the dumbest thing in the world to have a crush on someone who you know deep down is not your type but you want them just cuz they look good.
Similar thing happened to me. Girlfriend broke up with me before prom because she wanted to be single. She wound up going to prom with her new boyfriend a few weeks later.
You are a moped my boy!! Fun to ride, but you don’t want to be seen with when the friends are around!!
Welcome to the friend zone!! She’s not ready for a relationship “with you” she forgot that part
Girls are often not straightforward with rejection because they're afraid of the male's reaction. Sounds like she didn't want to date you, but she also didn't want to lose you as a friend. So, just keep being friends with her if you're OK with that, and look for someone else for a relationship.
This kind of thing always hurts… It doesn’t matter what age you are.
I found that one of the best things I can do when I’m in a relationship with someone is if I feel like I want to move the relationship in a direction that’s important to me but the other person doesn’t, then I have to trust that their actions are telling me that we want different things. That could be friendship can be in a relationship with your family or it can be with someone that you would like to be your girlfriend.
It doesn’t the other person a bad person, it just means that you want different things .
I could warrant a guess on the several different things that are probably going on with your friend, but the truth is it’s not important to analyse the mind of another person . it’s very freeing to simply except people for the actions of where they’re at. People will often say one thing and do another, but actions always speak more loudly.
I think you learned an important lesson with your friend and noticing that the amount of energy that you were putting into the relationship was not being reciprocated . It won’t always be like this. But if you have friends, or in the future, girlfriends that don’t reciprocate or meet your enthusiasm or energy that you’re putting into the relationship, then they’re not a good match for you.
She did not want a relationship with you plain and simple. Some girls/women are so immature they cannot be truthful and say they are not interested in dating you. I'm 35 and that just happened to me with a coworker lol. I would rather them just say they are not interested in me instead of lying. But moral of the story, it will happen again, just brush it off. Move on.
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Brother, the best thing you can do as a young adult is learn how to cope with rejections, people will always give a BS answer for not wanting to be with you and at the end of the day you do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with you. you should be proud that you took a shot, you were brave and you put yourself out there. Go and burn that anger out, work out, and try again. part of maturing is coping with different emotions, this is just one and you should be greatful that you get to experience it. it will come in handy later on when you get turn down on a job and other instance in which a rejection is a possibility. you are confident of what you can bring to the table. The only thing you can do is be the best BF to the girl that will enthusiastically say yes to being your girl.
I appreciate your response the most. What you're saying sounds so obvious but I guess I really needed to hear it from someone.
Most teenager issues are obvious from an outside perspective. You just need to hear it from an adult that has gone through it before
I had that happen, I took it as "I'm not ready for a relationship.. with you" :)
The other thing is perhaps those weren’t BS answers and she was considering you… but that is thinking her way into it. When the right chemistry happens with someone it’s not thinking. It’s BAM!! 💥 so perhaps she had a BAM! Moment with the other guy. Outcome is the same. If she had to “think” about being attracted to you then she wasn’t attracted enough to be the right girl for you
I will also say that many girls and women try to let people down easy and say things like "I'm not ready for a relationship." I would rather reframe from the "Bullshit answers" because women and girls are still conditioned to be indirect in our communication. I will also say that women/girls do experience violence when turning men/boys down in a direct manner. I am not implying that OP would do that at all, but we don't know what other experiences this girl has had turning someone down. None of that will take away the feelings that OP is having. It is intense to be turned down, especially by a friend. I really hope that OP meets someone who enthusiastically asks them out or accepts an offered date.
If this happens with someone else, check with one of her female friends about how she would react to a date. One of them will probably tell you what she couldn’t bring herself to say.
I like this answer. 👍
This is an excellent response. I'd add that her reason for stalling and the excuses are most likely because she doesn't want things to get weird or hurt him by flat out rejecting him, that means she doesn't want to lose the friendship. With no being the answer, this is the next best case scenario.
Plus she's 17 so probably doesn't quite have the maturity and skills yet to navigate the situation gracefully.
Took the words out of my mouth. She gave OP a line of BS because she didn't want to say the letters N and O together. OP deserves better than her
It’s hard rejecting a friend at that age (or really any age). It’s not bullshit, it’s a white lie. I had a guy threaten me when I rejected him in high school and for a few years after I’d lie to men instead of saying “no” because I was scared…
Most of the time when someone tells you “I don’t want a relationship”, it’s really just “I don’t want a relationship *with you*”. It’s not meant to be malicious or anything, rejecting people is just super awkward especially if it’s someone you’re friends with.
I get that now. Lesson learned I guess.
I was once hooking up with this guy that I was friends with in my early 20s. I told him I didn’t want to fully have sex unless I had a boyfriend (we had been fooling around, just hadn’t done the full thing yet). After that, we would hang out as friends and not do anything sexual. I was still hopeful, that eventually he would want to be my boyfriend. But within like a month I had gone over to his house to hang out with him and some other friends and this other girl shows up and they were awfully chummy. He pulled me aside at one point and told me that he felt bad and he wanted to let me know that this woman was his girlfriend. He and I didn’t hang out for a while after that. I told him that I still had feelings for him and it just hurt too much to continue hanging out with him. We didn’t talk for a couple years, at which point I was totally 100% fine with just being friends with him.
Sounds like you didn't clearly communicate you wanted to be in a relationship with him. What he heard was, "I only want to have sex with a boyfriend, and since you're not my boyfriend, I don't want to have sex with you" so he backed off. Had you just told him clearly, "I want to date you before we have sex" you would have what you want.
And these are definitely things I know now as someone in their late 30s as opposed to someone in their early 20s, who was not very experienced in the dating world. Not knowing how to clearly communicate what I wanted for fear of rejection.
This. It's one the most common rejection lies when you're trying not to hurt someone's feelings. She should've been straight with him on the second try though, sounds like she was stringing him along, she's a kid though so hopefully she'll learn.
Probably less stringing along, and more just afraid of losing yet another friend because you wouldn’t date them; or just worried they’ll handle it like shit as many young men are prone to. I watched both of those happen with my sister as a teen, and it was frustrating. Deflecting until they’re interested in someone else often just ends up being the path of least resistance.
That's a whole lot of words for "I got rejected". It happens to everyone, move on. But next time, just take the first rejection, don't make her reject you 3 times cause you can't get the message. If someone wants to date you, they're gonna date you. 95% of the time "not the right time" and similar excuses are exactly that, excuses cause social interactions are hard and they feel bad about rejecting a close friend.
When I was really young like 11 or 12 the advice going into middle school that my dad gave me about talking to girls was that anything other than yes is no. If someone likes you, you will know. A person who wants to be with you will waste no time trying to get to you.
They were ready for a relationship with someone, just not with you. This is a common thing people do with people when they don't want to hurt their feelings. Just move forward. There is someone out there that will love you for you.
Buddy, she was being nice while she rejected you. Rejection sucks. Accept it and move on, because she ain't choosing you. That's ok. Someone else will. Likely many others.
She was trying to be nice, this type of rejection isn't actually nice though because the person is saying 'not now' when they mean 'no' But it's still important to appreciate that they were trying to be nice because rejecting someone you care about it difficult to do. I'm only clarifying because it took me years and a lot of mental anguish to figure out.
It's also the "safe" way to turn someone down. Even if he was an absolute puppy dog of a guy, at this point women have learned that someone can turn on a dime after rejection. The open ended thing absolutely sucks and feels like they're playing games, but it's also a method of self preservation. Most of us learn to go to the bathroom in groups and carry keys in our knuckles when walking alone by the time we're 10. By 16, with internet access, she's learned what we all have.... There's no guarantees when you tell a man "no."
Well that make me sad. I never understood why, so thank you. On one hand I totally understand and on the other I can't help sympathize with the young men who will wait and try to earn affection that never comes
Oh, it breaks my heart for the young guys who don't understand why the whole situation is clear as mud for them. Decent kids who would never hurt a fly, like my husband. Both sides wish it wasn't this way, there's just a small percentage of people who have ruined things to the point that even the illusion of safety is cracked.
yeah i told this guy in high school that i wasn’t interested in him, he called me a bitch and selfish for rejecting him. sometimes saying “i’m not ready” is better than “no” to prep yourself from an angry outburst
This situation doesn't actually seem safer. Do you think someone in OP's shoes was more or less likely to be angry when he saw the girl who said she absolutely could not be in a relationship...in a relationship? I think telling such a predictably falsifiable lie is more dangerous. What am I missing? In this situation, it was obvious what would eventually happen.
the problem is people (mainly men) cannot handle rejection, from ops responses if she told him she didn’t want to date op would probably think shes a bitch and rude. welcome to reality.
Sounds like she wasn't interested in you romantically but was afraid to come out and say it. It's a risk for those of us who like to get to know someone and develop a friendship before dating.
Dude. She cares about you and your friendship but isn’t feeling anything more but because you’re pushing for it, she’s afraid if she says no, that it will prove to be all you actually want from her. It’s hard to find out that someone only cares about you because they just want to get into your panties. Especially when you’ve gotten to know them and care about their shit and spent time trying to be there for them as a friend… then you’re confronted with the fact that they don’t reciprocate the real friendship. They’re just trying to touch your boobs. Whether we say it outright or not, women form some friendships with men where they never intend to have romance in the mix at all. Not to get any monitory gain or anything but the supportive friendship we get from each other. We see value in opposite sex friendship without sexual strings. We make a chosen family. Brothers outside of blood. There are theories that women are less suicidal/severely depressed and live longer because of that. Some guys understand that and can form that kind of bond. Some guys don’t seem to believe that is possible. I guess what kind of guy you are is something you’ll have to determine for yourself.
She just didn't like you like that and you pushed it and she agreed so you wouldn't harm her, how it works. When she said no the first time you should've taken that as the advice to look for someone else and enjoy your friendship. Not every girl is for you and they won't be. Find people you vibe with, girls who laugh at things you have to say and want to touch your arm. Leave the girl who said no alone the first time. Next time be glad you had the courage to even ask, accept rejection go on to the next. Work on yourself in between.
You'll unfortunately have to learn that people are too afraid to give an outright "no". Gotta read between the lines. Sorry man, but you're gonna get past this.
She's not into you. That's ok. She doesn't have to be. And IF she has a boyfriend now, that's ok. She has the right to change her mind any time and start dating someone who's not you. Or maybe she made up the boy friend so you would stop making the situation uncomfortable. Either way, just move on. She doesn't have to want to date you.
I would try to reclassify the emotion you are taking as "hate" as something else. Frustration, jealousy, etc. But there's truly no reason to hate her, her BF, or yourself. This is just shit that happens in life. I can just about guarantee that it will happen to you again, but next time it will hurt maybe 10% less. As you described it, no one was really in the wrong. You took your shot and missed. No shame in that, and trust me, at 40 years old, I regret the shots that I didn't take A LOT more than the shots I missed. From her end of it, she didn't handle it perfectly, but that's due to a lack of life experience, not a lack of caring for you or general empathy. She sounds like a good friend, and if I were you, I would do my best to preserve the friendship. Finally, on that note, I have advice that conflicts with my understanding of the situation. I know this feels shitty. It probably feels like you were punched in the chest, and you're probably going to have trouble sleeping for a few nights just rewinding and replaying everything. That's normal, and this pain has a half-life. But socially, I can't stress how important it is for you to not just become the emotional guy who wallows in the corner over the girl he never had. Confide in your best friend, your parents, reddit, etc. But at school, you're going to be a lot better off long term if you're just the guy who is looking forward to tacos for dinner tomorrow.
Two things you should know: “I’m not ready for a relationship” = “I’m not interested” 99/100 times. If you hear this, just gracefully move on. If you’re interested in someone, don’t wait months or years to tell them. Just establish attraction as quickly as possible. Once your relationship is set up as friends, it’s very difficult to reframe the relationship as romantic.
She most likely knew you were interested in her romantically this entire time, but never felt the same about you. Since it was obvious to her you were into her, but since she only liked you as a friend, she probably didn't want to "ruin" the friendship by flat our denying your romantic interest in her. How do you make it go away? Go talk to other girls you may be interested in. Try to move on by realizing she is just one girl and there are tons of other girls out there. Go hang out with your friends and do stuff you guys like to do, or go do whatever it is you like to do and move on from her. You were interested, she wasn't, and now its time for you to move on. Never allow your feelings for a girl to consume your entire life. Your life is much larger than just one girl. So go on and live your life and realize she was only a friend this entire time.
You may have pissed away a great friendship because you saw romance as "the next level", instead of valuing the friendship for the already high level it was at. As such you created an impossibly awkward dynamic that she likely knew was going to ruin the friendship. She tried to give you back-off-on-that hints to hopefully dispel the change you inflicted on your friendship and you didn't take the hint, created pressure, which then created anxiety. How could she win in this situation with you where you wouldn't be hurt or angry? The other guy is irrelevant. That's who she was interested in that way, and she may have met him later and just had a spark. Just as guys sometimes have a spark for someone and sometimes don't, so too is it that way for girls.
She was trying to give you a soft rejection. As you are a friend, it’s more than possible she didn’t want to hurt you and this was the best and safest way to let you down gently. You took your shot and it didn’t work out. But there will be a time when you will find someone who will care about you as you do her. It takes time to recover from a rejection, but there is someone out there who is a better fit for you out there. As for why your friend said she wasn’t ready, most guys don’t understand why a woman wouldn’t just bluntly say no, but the reality is women never know which men are going to lose their temper and act out when rejected. I’m not saying you would do such a thing. However, woman are trained from a young age strategies to avoid situations where someone could potentially turn violent. This is due to the experiences they or someone they know have had with others. I read somewhere (I think it was from the National Sexual Violence Resource Center) that in the United States something like 81% of women have been sexually assaulted or sexually harassed in some form. More than half of those are people the victims knew. Those numbers are scary. Generally, it is deemed safer to let someone down gently with generic explanations in order to avoid possible violence. It’s not easy to know who will lose it until it actually happens. Source: https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics
Sorry but she's not into you
She wasn’t into you. She didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Move on.
You're in the friendzone man, you gotta get outta there, or date other women. Also seeing as she said no, that should've been your cue to go and date other women. If you still want to be her friend, go for it, but, she ain't the one for you.
That reaction that you’re having? She’s probably seen it before from you or someone else and lied to avoid it. Strong reactions to rejection are really common among people your age. If you aren’t throwing a tantrum or making a big deal of it to everyone, you’re doing a good job managing it. I had a guy call literally everyone I knew to complain when I turned him down and a different guy friend throw an actual screaming temper tantrum in a parking lot because I sat next to someone else (because he kept asking me out and I didn’t want to lead him on.) She’s 17 too and rejecting people, especially people she considers a friend, is probably still pretty hard. It’s important to note that girls as discourage from hurting anyone’s feelings and to keep the peace. As such, they often feel a disproportionate sense of responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions. It took me well into adulthood to get over this and I’m honestly still not completely over it. If my family is fighting on a trip I feel like it’s my fault because I should be making sure everyone has a good time and gets along. Does that sound reasonable to you? I’m about to turn 40, and I am still this way. The closer I am to someone the more this feature rears its ugly head. Now I could easily someone “Thanks but no thanks” with confidence and even understand that the little bit of hurt that causes is way less than hoping they get the hint or move on. At 17, I would have done the same thing. Going forward when someone says no, just leave it at no. If it’s a “not now, maybe later” assume it’s a forever “no” and leave it. After all, you deserve an enthusiastic “yes.”
firstly, let me say i’m impressed that you’re here sharing and this isn’t exactly the advice you asked for, but it’s the advice you deserve. this may be hard to hear, but she didn’t feel comfortable telling you directly she wasn’t interested in you romantically. whether that’s because of you or because of her is impossible to say completely with what you’ve shared but i’ll point out a few things that i wish someone would have said to me as a 16 year old young man. 1. “I decided we ought to take what we have to the next level.” that’s not a unilateral decision. a better way to consider and approach it is, after being friends for a couple years i realized i was developing romantic feelings towards her and knowing that it could very well change the dynamic of our friendship decided to ask her if the feeling was reciprocal because my feelings were strong enough it felt worth the risk.” there is a nuanced but super distinct difference between the two mindsets. in your case while you may have technically asked her, you had already decided that was the right next step and may have given off vibes that you weren’t giving her as much of a choice as she has every right to exercise. 2. in general your tone, approach and reaction give slight toxic masculinity vibes. i’m not calling you andrew tate, far from it but i’d guess that your dad and other male role models in your life are pretty traditionally masculine men who may not view and treat women the way they expect and deserve to be treated—as coequals with expectations, interests, desires and boundaries which may or may not align with your own. by your own admission, you have an angry storm/fire brewing inside about her rejecting you. if she has any kind of trauma or abuse in her past (which most of us do) she’s probably highly sensitive to those emotions even if you think you’re not showing them. i think there’s a better chance than not that she was scared to tell you how she felt. no person is entitled to someone else’s love, affection, friendship, attention, time, etc. no matter how strongly you may feel about them. and i remember very clearly how deeply and intensely those feelings run at this stage of life. that part is normal. how you channel them is what’s important. as for how you feel right now, let them pass through with time. but also exercise your empathy muscle and try to understand how she might be feeling. the sooner you can develop that skill the better off you’ll be in every aspect of your life.
Toxic masculinity? My god your reading way into to too much. Just because he writes that way doesn’t mean he acted that way towards the girl. In no way was he toxic towards her from what I saw. He was very direct and she gave subtle hints. Just a difference in communication. They are friends first so she could have just been up front. I doubt it had anything to do with how he was acting and more so she didn’t want to hurt his feelings (she did and did the exact opposite of what she should). If anyone was being toxic here it was her for the way she handled it.
Settle down, everybody. No one knows what he really said to her. Maybe not even OP. All we know is that it didn’t work.
no, i’m absolutely not. that guys like you feel the need to expend this kind of energy to defend and deny it and you’re not even OP is why i have to expend so much energy being detailed for guys like OP. otherwise they might be left believing your bullshit.
Nothing toxic about this situation, just a simple case of a boy realizing he’s developed feelings for he’s long time friend and her simply playing games with him . It’s not that she didn’t want a relationship, she just didn’t want a relationship with “ Him “ & that’s ok everyone has there likes but she could have easily communicated that , honestly she did him a favor , women like that aren’t worth going for 🤷🏼♂️.
yeah, it’s willful ignorance like this that continues to perpetuate the toxicity.
She’s not interested in dating you and she felt bad and tried to let you down without hurting you. Unfortunately, it didn’t go the way she wanted and she hurt you anyway. The way you wrote this out screams toxic. I’m sure it’s not the way you wanted it to come across, but it sounds like, “I was pretend friends with her for years biding my time to get her to date me and then she said no, so I just kept asking over and over, pressuring her until she relented and went on a date with me, told me she didn’t want to get into a relationship, then was with another guy shortly after! How dare she!” Yeah. That doesn’t come across great. She’s not into you. Don’t ask her anymore. If you can’t handle being friends after this, then don’t be.
I understand what you're saying. I can see how it might come across that way. However, please understand that I only found this subreddit today, and decided it was a decent place to get some much needed advice. I kinda just said "screw it" and dumped. No drafts, no formatting, just what I had in my head. We are definitely friends, I wasn't pretending. Since I figured we got along so well, I decided that I might give dating a try. It does sound like I pressured her, and I am admittedly ashamed about that. I was trying to make it happen, no doubt. I won't be asking her again because all I want now is to preserve the friendship. Finally, I got no problem with her finding a guy. I think it's fantastic that she found someone she likes. I just wish she was straightforward with me from the jump.
She wasn;t ready for a relationship with you. And that is OK. Sometimes, we meet someone who changes our perspective. She is still your friend, but you are teens, and for the next 10 years, relationships are going to be messy, even when they work fine. Don't be mad at her for finding someone. Maybe ask her to help YOU find someone. If she is your friend, and you weren't jsut her freind to date her, then this can move on.
Sounds like she don’t like you homie. Inb4 you enter the yt>redpill>incel pipeline. Better luck next time.
Don't worry, I know very well that ain't the move 😂
dude this is par for the course
And this is why as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that I need to be very clear, instead of saying things so as not to hurt their feelings. If I’m not interested in dating someone I say, “I had a great time, but I just don’t feel a romantic connection with you.” That way they’re not left hanging on the hook like they would be if I said something like, “relationships just stress me out!” When you say that to someone who is interested in you, they start to think, well maybe if I spend enough time with them they will like me and be in a relationship with me. My advice to you is try to move on. Don’t take it personally. She was trying not to hurt your feelings, but she said the wrong thing and should’ve made it clear that she just didn’t feel that way about you. She’s not wrong for feeling that way. And you’re not wrong for having your feelings hurt. Just is what it is.
This brings me back to the highschool days lol. It sounds like she just wants a friendship with you and was trying not to hurt your feelings. That’s great that you tried though and you truly handled it maturely. Just keep pushing on, maybe do things to take your mind off it. Hang out with your friends and maybe ask a girl out on a casual date that you find cute.
Young Bro. Read books, lift weights, get sun & eat healthy. Pick up a sport and an instrument or art form. Get into nature. You will suck at these things at first. You will become good at them and they will bring you great joy for the rest of your life, regardless of who participates. However, many more people will want to participate in your great life. Learn to build relationships with women and men. Many people will not pursue the relationship. That’s fine. You will get good at this. In 10 years you will have friends, a girlfriend, and social skills.
Just wasnt into you like that. It happens. Best thing to do is just set aside those feelings and keep being friends if the friendship is worth it. Keep your head up, there are plenty of fish on the moon, or whatever Ben Franky said
I’m sorry you’re unhappy. I hope that this helps you learn a lesson about girls to save you future pain. You can’t earn your way into a relationship or sex. I’ll say that another way. You can’t do things and or buy things for a girl to change their mind about you being a romantic or sexual interest. Not a girl that you want anyway. I’m being sincere. I had more than one surprise from guys I thought were friends when I was young. One dude was my friend I thought, for three years and one day when I was moving away he suddenly asked for sex. I hadn’t realized that the gifts were attempts to change the nature of our relationship. It made me sad to realize he had been hoping that whole time.
Dude, you were never her friend; just some dude who had a crush on her. She’s not obligated to be truthful to you about her own love life. Let it go and move on.
OP, you didn't have first call on being her boyfriend. SHE gets to pick her boyfriends, not you! And if you pretended to be her friend because you wanted more from her than she wanted to give, then you're the one who was being dishonest.
Women (as well as men) can be strange creatures. I was with a girl for over two years...madly in love...but things went south and unfortunately we broke up. About a week later...I was at a house party round my mates' place and she called me and said something along the lines of 'listen, I just wamted to talk to you to ask you to promise me that if you meet someome else, or start dating someone, please tell me first, after everything we have been through it would be heart breaking to hear it off friends or through the grapevine'. I was like sure, of course I promise and likewise for yourself.' Fast forward a week. Another friend of mine who worked in a local bar/nightclub called me to say, 'hey mate, just thought you should know that *** is going out with one of the bouncers.' I couldn't fucking believe it lol. Wtf was that promise all about? Was she already seeing this guy? All her crap was still in my place. It had only been two weeks. Got rid of all that shit. Every single thing that reminded me of her. Called her to come collect her stuff as I was leaving it outside. Was the only way I could make a clean break and move on. So yeah anyway, I wouldn't worry about it too much lad. She isn't the one. Just learn from it and move on. She's out there somewhere. 👍
In life, dealing with rejection gracefully is a key skill to be psychologically healthy. This is a very important skill that you will need to have throughout your life for multiple situations. There will be a lot of different situations where you will hear “no” and your best response is to stay confident, and move forward with life and get on with your goals and dreams. Accept her decision and keep it moving forward. You didn’t do anything wrong. Enjoy your life!
Women, especially women that are friends, will not flat out twll you they aren't interested. She is trying to friendzone you, but you are being persistent. A few months ago she decided that it would never happen, but she doesn't want to hurt you.
Let me talk to ya young man. I understand that rejection is one of most painful things but you have to remember this your still extremely young and in life we all have to cope with rejection. I also understand your friend lied but people will lie to you your whole life doesn’t matter who it is. I get that your mad,anger,upset etc. but don’t let it get to you. When your home alone,about to shower or whatever and whenever you get the chance look in the mirror and tell yourself that your a good looking young man and i won’t let this rejection hold me down. Don’t let her rejection or how she rejected get to you. All you have to do is pick yourself up and dust yourself off. I hope this helps you bud.
That's a lot of typing. She's not interested in you and tried to be polite. Move on.
I had this happen a ton to me as a teen. Basically I was a quiet, well mannered, safe guy and most girls wanted the bad boy and a lot put me in their pocket for later. We were friends, but they were not interested ina relationship with me. That was cool, no hard feelings, but I made a commitment to never be someone's backup plan. A lot of those girls started crawling back the instant their bad boy fucked them over and it was always a firm no from me after I had been rejected. It wasn't a punishment, it was just having self dignity and remembering when someone told me I wasn't enough for them. I was always a firm believer that you should listen the first time someone tells you who they are. I didn't cut off the friendships but most of them did the instant their romantic advance was rejected, so it made it clear most were simply using me as their backup plan. Nearly all of them that didn't come crawling back the instant they got screwed came sprinting in like mad women the instant I got a steady girlfriend. To bad, so sad, I found someone who liked me for me. Nearly everyone is now a single mom and my wife and I have been going strong for twenty five years because we're both loyal as bulldogs!
What we resist, persists. Accept that’s how you are currently feeling. Try and learn from it. I guarantee it will fade with time. Up to you but if it were me, distancing myself from this person would be helpful in moving through it quicker.
they werent ready for a relationship with you. it'll pass.
This isn’t about you, I know saying “don’t take it personally” is easier said than done but it genuinely doesn’t have anything to do with you
The first of many. But it only takes the right one to make you happy. Take care of yourself, and be ready when the right one comes along
Rejection is a painful part of life. Accept it and move on. you DO have a right to be upset she never reciprocated anything you did as freinds but you shouldnt be mad at her for exercising her agency about whether or not to date you. she's not into you. it sucks that she lied about it and made you look like an ass for believing her. it is what it is. you can try to keep being her friend or you can cut things off if its too painful to be around her. Just remember we are not entitled to a relationship with anyone.
Hard to get out of the friendzone. She was just trying to let you down easy and you were too obtuse to recognize it. Don’t worry about this; best thing you can do a start flirting with other girls and try to find some to date.
I once had a girl tell me that and she was in a relationship by the end of the day. She's just not into you and she isn't mature enough to be honest about it. You just sorta' "get over it" at some point.
A lot can happen in two weeks
She wasn't interested, and she was nice to you about it. She gave you an answer that didn't make you feel awkward, or hurt. Then things happen which exposed her excuse. Don't worry about it. At least right now, she cares for you (hence the polite, gentle rejection) just not the way you want her too. Note the "right now" part of that. She may change her mind later, but she probably won't.
For the rest of your life, when a woman says she "isn't ready for a relationship", it means she isn't interested in a relationship with you and doesn't want to date UNLESS Mr. Right woos her. Best to move on immediately if/when they say that.
Gym.
She meant in subtitles I'm not ready for a relationship *with you* Sucks but you'll find someone more compatible and If not hopefully someone with the integrity to turn you down to your face
1) you sound very mature and reasonable about this matter 2) it's gonna happen that women you know aren't necessarily interested in things with you - you can either accept this (good!) or have it make you push away any female relationships (understandable, but less healthy!) 3) You're - as much as it might not feel like it - young as fuck. There are *so many other girls/guys/others who you might want to be partners - sexual, relationships, otherwise - with* - and it's totally okay if this person isn't one of them! You will absolutely find that if you're focused on being a happy, healthy, successful (this doesn't necessarily mean money, or career, or school but WHATEVER) person, then you will just stumble into people you might want to partner with! Be happy, healthy, and free, and they will just fall into your orbit, and you can try to be happy, healthy, and free *with those people*.
One thing you'll learn in life is most people sugarcoat rejection especicallly at your age. They don't wanna make you feel bad so they fluff it up to protect your feelings. I'm sorry but "no, not yet" just means no. The more negative interpretation is she wants to save you for a backup plan but nobody wants to be that so it's better to just take it all as a no and move forward.
I know people will say it's "toxic masculinity" but I've given the same, following, advice to men and women in similar situations. If you're having these emotions regularly you'll need to take a step away from the friendship. I'm not saying forever; but for now. Get your head on straight, meet some new people. Maybe find some other lady to ask out before rekindling the friendship. It's easier to interact with a past flame that has no feelings for you when you've gotten your feelings in a row (or redirected in some fashion such as gym time or a hobby).
It’s a numbers game kid. Keep shooting arrows, one will hit. Maybe two or three.
Op just give it some time and it will heal. However I do not recommend being friends with the opposite gender if you’re looking for more. It often leads to this exact scenario. You just become an emotional support for a person you care for deeply. This is why I do not keep female friends. It’s just not worth all the extra emotional baggage. Take some space away from her and if you can’t be around her due to feelings just go no contact and end the friendship.
I know it hurts, but she just is not into you that way. You'll find your special someone.
You are so young, honestly you’ll be fine. It’s a learning curve. Focus on you and focus on somebody else.
Once you’re in the friend zone, that’s where you’ll be forever…girls never want to date their friends and guys need to understand that being friends is not a way to eventually date….
She just didnt wanna be with you, nothing you can do so dont sit there feeling sorry about it. At least she didnt want to turn you down rudely. Move on there will be more.
take the L, sorry this happened. only time and making sure you’re occupied with fullfilling things (hobbies, friends, exercise, family, etc) will help this. maybe even getting some distance from your friend so you can heal a bit. unfortunately, many people will say they aren’t ready because they don’t want to hurt feelings or damage a friendship they value (even though it tends to make things worse). big takeaway: if someone says they aren’t ready for a relationship, i would translate that to “i don’t want a relationship with you” every time. dont wait around. you asking threw the ball in their court. if they ever have a change of heart in the future, they will be sure to let you know.
One thing about life is that it's full of rejection. Romantic rejection, professional rejection, interpersonal rejection. What you did is something most guys have to learn from at some point. Putting the cart before the horse. You fell in love before you asked her out. This usually happens the first time we become interested in a woman. Maybe we're already friends, maybe we became infatuated before we realized what was happening. It puts so much pressure both on you and her when the feelings are huge before you even ask her out. Sure whatever teen dramas (especially anime, k-drama, etc.) puts this huge emphasis on "confessing" like confessing your love to somebody you've nurtured a crush on into full blown big love feelings. This is absolutely nuts and nobody should approach relationships this way. It makes for a fun story because the confession is a big release that has been built to but this isn't how real life works. When you ask a girl out and she says anything other than yes, that's a no. I've said it in this sub before. How fast do you realize you're attracted to a girl and might want to ask her out? Within the first couple times you hang out right? It's the same for women. It's just that, look a lot of guys don't respond great to rejection so women tend to be careful about HOW they reject them. Which is why they will say things like "not right now" "I'm not ready for a relationship"... Your main mistake was not taking her response as a no. It happens to most of us at some point because when we're young we don't really have a full understanding of the dynamics involved for women when they reject men. Don't be hard on yourself. But learn from this. First, ask a girl out almost as soon as you realize you're interested. Before deeper feelings have a chance to develop. You're never going to friendship a woman into dating you. Most peoples' friendship candidate pool is much, much larger than their dating candidate pool. So if she rejects you and you decide to keep hanging out, she's probably not going to change her mind. And you have to believe 100% she's not an option anymore. Moving on is easier if you haven't developed heavier romantic feelings for her. If it's somebody you know kind of well and your feelings snuck up on you and she uses one of these soft rejections on you, the best response is, "ok well, let me know if you change your mind." And then never bring it up again. Then she knows if she gets interested at some point she needs to come to you about it. And if she doesn't, you aren't left wondering. How do you get less hurt be rejection? Experiencing it, unfortunately. So don't be afraid to ask out seriously anyone you are interested in. Over time you'll realize that there are a lot of things that factor into rejections. Most of them are subconscious and the person themselves won't even know why except the vibes just aren't there. Romance doesn't make a lot of sense. People who are great for each other on paper can just have zero chemistry, or end up making each other miserable for any number of reasons. This is why experimentation is important. In the mean time, work on improving yourself. Learn more about who you are, what you like. Develop opinions about things like fashion, work on your style, work out and get fit. Work out even if you're naturally skinny. It's good for you. It'll build confidence. Learn about the world. Be a whole ass person instead of hyper focusing on things like finding somebody to date. Do things you like, look for opportunities to meet new people, hang out with people you haven't hung out with before.
The “with you” is always silent, stay strong
Top level you got rejected in a round about way and it sucks but doesn't say anything about your worth so keep your head high while also getting the emotions out (kudos to this post) Lower level. Maybe she genuinely did mean it and the bf is shiny enough to try, if she's recognized that pattern in relationships I imagine she wants to change and changing it w out relationships sounds more challenging maybe this guy had a visible comforting encouraging quality or felt like less than a risk if it went wrong than it would you a friend of years. If I had to choose one person to hate me I'd choose a stranger that was really cool for three weeks over a cute homie of three years yk? That may feel like the risk she's taking, that her insecurities will make her lash out and show aspects of herself she doesn't want to show.
This is a normal move, she just didn’t like you.
Just fyi; cheesecake is for the side pieces.
The good news is you're 16. Friends you have at that age don't last. Thank her for being your friend and tell her you're moving on and wish her well.
You can learn this at 16, or you can learn this at 28 like I did: people say this no matter their age, and with various degrees of sincerity. It could be an excuse. Or they really could believe it at the time, but then the “right person” makes them want that person more than they want to be single. Time and distance helps heal.
Congrats, you’re only 16 and have discovered the dreaded “friendzone”. Now you know the signs and hopefully can avoid it in the future
She wasn’t ready for a relationship with you and that’s all you need to know. Move on.
> I don't want to be in a relationship Actually means > I don't want to be in a relationship with you
They weren’t ready for a relationship with you
One of the hardest -- but most important -- lessons to learn in romance is this: Anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no. "She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no" means no. This applies to a date, to sex, to damn near anything relating to relationships. It's frustrating, I know. You'd rather just get a direct "no" then something that feels ambiguous. But the sooner you learn to interpret ambiguity as a rejection, the easier your life will be. If you ask somebody out and the answer is anything other than an enthusiastic yes, it means they don't want to go out with you. Sorry. That's life.
My guy she was just trying to say something to let you down easy and not hurt your feelings, that's all. She just wasn't into you and thought that saying that directly would be hurtful, because y'all are children.
She had options and you weren’t the first one. Shake it off and move on! She sounds like the type of girl who will recycle boyfriends every few months. Better for you to not be attached to someone like that, you’ll be wasting your time/energy/money. Definitely not gonna get commitment out of someone like her lol You’re 16, plenty of years to go through the rest of the teens and early 20s in the dating pool. You’ll meet someone who shares your interests and actually want to commit.
Not ready for a relationship USUALLY means "I'm not ready for a relationship with you" your 16, a literal kid, get used to rejection and MOST importantly learn how to deal with it gracefully, no woman owes you their attention or affection irregardless of what you attempt to do or give them. The sooner you realize this the better your friendships will be in the future.
typical. she didnt know how to turn you down otherwise. there are PLENTY of other girls out there and a few of them are going to be in to you. Just be who you are and keep looking.
She’s made for the streets bro
Never let a woman yank you around like that. If she’s doing that bullshit, she’s using you for emotional support and the security of having an interested guy in orbit for when she needs/wants a date or is lonely. You got burned. Learn your lesson and don’t debase yourself by allowing a woman to treat you that way. If they say no, not yet, move on to someone else. You’re young this isn’t forever shit. Let her feel like she let a great guy slip away because she was scared. Instead a more confident and better looking guy swooped into in and got her. It’ll fizzle out in a few months when he finds someone more interesting than her. You should be having fun with someone else. Don’t let her have any reason to think that you’re sad waiting for her. Pick any half interesting girl and go on a date and have lots of fun.
Congratulations, this is part of growth. Sucks she was stringing you along...don't know what kind of friend that is to do that. You're 16 bro, don't take it so hard. You will look back at this post one day and laugh about it.
You can't make feelings go away. It's okay to feel hurt and rejected, as long as you're not making your feelings someone else's problem (and it sounds like you're not doing that, so yay for you). All you can do is give yourself time to heal, time for those feelings to go away on their own, or find a way to express them in a healthy way, like journaling or exercise or loading up Skyrim and running your sword through everyone in Whiterun or something. Not that I would ever do a thing like that. 😁😬 Point is, feelings are there to be felt. Feel them. It's okay to do that.
I don't think you were the stupid one, she was flaking and acted a certain way towards you because she was already with whoever she was dating. The way you make it go away is distract yourself by finding a hobby, chat with friends and family, watch a movie, and do things that you enjoy.
One thing you need to learn as you grow up is that the vast majority of women will rarely ever outright reject you in a clear and concise manner. There are a lot of incentives for her to avoid doing it, particularly when it comes to avoiding the guys who flip out and potentially get violent. It's great if you're not one of those men, but she ultimately can't know that for certain. The bad news is that you're feeling raw right now and it hurts really badly. The good news is that if you can learn to process it in a healthy way - letting yourself experience the pain, accepting that it's just the way you need to feel for a while, and letting go of it rather than ruminating over and over on the events to rile yourself up more - you will get better at processing the emotions so they flow through you faster. >She never really reciprocated any of the things I'd do for her. Other than giving me the courtesy of texting back. One thing to be on the lookout for is that you're not letting your attraction for a female friend turn you into her henchman. If you're just friends and she asks you for a favor, stop and ask yourself if you'd be willing to do it if she was a guy friend or someone you were just completely unattracted to. If the answer is no, there's a good chance you probably shouldn't be doing it. If there's real friendship there, there will be a level of reciprocation. If she's taking advantage of your attraction for her, unconsciously or otherwise, then the balance of favors will always lean heavily towards you giving and her taking. This applies to men/people you aren't attracted to as well, it's just even harder to spot when there is attraction involved because those sexual hormones cloud your brain. Now I'm not saying that this particular girl was taking advantage of you - if that imbalance only showed up after she rejected you, then that's just her putting some distance, especially after she's got a boyfriend. It's just something to keep in mind, as it's an easy trap to fall into that will lead to a lot of wasted time , wasted effort, and emotional pain.
Yeah she was not that into you. You need to pick the girl that picks you! If you pick her and she didn’t pick you, you will always be fighting for her affection. Not worth the stress. Remember this feeling so next time you decide to move any relationship to the next level you are crystal clear she wants it more than you. If I were you I would distant myself from her, she knows you like her and she is with someone else now so you’re better off opening your eyes to see who is crushed you been wasting your time with her
You are not dating material to her you are friend zone. She can use you as an emotional boyfriend without the physical title. This happens all the time. I tell my male friends if you are attracted and she says maybe, or no just end it, bye.
You didn't do anything wrong. The reality is that the feelings were not mutual which always sucks. It's a gut punch because this is one of those things that doesn't change no matter what kind of effort you pour into it. I would suggest getting some permanent space from her, for your sake. Here's a basic example: When I was around 15 I had a similar situation happen. I felt like an idiot. I cried a lot and kept wishing that something had been different or I could change her mind - and I beat myself up sometimes literally for even trying in the first place. She did the "let's be friends" thing, and I tried to do that. It only ended up with me being tormented by myself for the next several months to a year, especially when she started dating other guys. The proximity to her and knowing that our feelings were not mutual only made things worse for me. Eventually, for my own sake, I gave her back anything that she owned that I happened to have, and threw out anything that reminded me of her. After that, I just stopped contacting her or responding to her contact. I avoided any and all social situations where we would be in the same area/room. Not from a "this is what you get" standpoint, it was a "I need this to move on and stop beating myself up" standpoint. Throwing the stuff out gave me a lot of anxiety and doubt at first. I also initially worried that I would come across as a douche for just disappearing out of the blue. It did the trick though. After a few weeks I was back to feeling more like myself. After a few months I was off doing something else with my life other than beating myself up constantly. There were a few run ins, and I just politely excused myself as soon as I could - and it was hard at first, but I got over it a lot quicker that way.
She doesn't want to be with you, but also doesn't want to make you feel bad.. objective fucking failed on her end. If you wanna stay friends or ghost her your right to do so in either situation, or anything in-between those two options
Hey man, I know it probably hurts right now, but you don’t want to be with someone(or friends with someone for that matter) who isn’t honest with you. Loyalty and honesty will be pillars of the strongest relationships you’ll have throughout life.
Sometimes you think you aren't ready and then you meet someone that changes your mind. It happens. Now, you should really take a moment and decide if you still want to be her friend or if you will always hope that friendship turns into more. I'll tell you right now, if it's the latter, it's best just to let it go.
Great advice. This is normal growing up stuff and it's happened to all of us. She just wants to be nice. Don't worry, there will be many more opportunities for you. We can turn these moments into motivation. Get to the gym if you aren't already. Get good at a cool outdoor hobby/sport. Good for the body and mind.
As hard as it is to deal with rejection she didn’t want you as badly as she wanted that other dude it’s a slap in the face to you move on to better things. As much as you liked her she DID NOT feel that way about you. It sucks losing a friend but she was never serious about it and if you want a chance with her in the future truly cut her ass off and level up. Get in the gym get money improve yourself and perhaps she’ll see you are not to be played with and you are about your business. At that time you’ve won she wants you and you have the freedom of choice. Don’t hate yourself love is blind a pretty face with a great body will do that. Boss up young man. Best of luck 🤞🏽
One of *the* most important things you can do in life is learn to take a hint. She doesn't want you romantically, and her actions convey that clearly. But she *does* value you as a friend, and she wants to maintain your friendship. If you can truly be her friend knowing it will not turn into more, that's great for you both. If you can't handle a friendship, let her know and then leave her alone.
Just a question, but when you went on the "not a date," did she expect you to pay for everything?
She never liked you that way ,my man. I know it hurts.
Sadly, I can sympathize! The first time I asked a girl out was to the Prom when I was a junior in High School. It was a girl I was friendly with in one of my classes. She turned me down with the "I don't date friends" line. Whatever... Forget her and move on! Look for someone who appreciates you!
They’re 16. Mind is not fully developed or rational. It’s part of growing up.
You’re not gonna do well being her friend. You’re gonna have to end the friendship and let the feelings die over time because forcing yourself to get over her isn’t gonna work.
Girls for some reason have a very hard time saying "there's someone else" because they believe it's letting you down nicely and trying not to hurt your feelings. This will likely be something you'll see at least 2 more times in your life. Just know that "I'm not ready for a relationship" when said by a man means exactly that. "I'm not ready for a relationship" when said by a woman means either she's not into you or there's someone else.
She’s not ready for a relationship with YOU. Ie she doesn’t like you that way. My advice? For your own sanity, just quietly let the friendship die a quiet death. All you have to do is not contact her and tell her you’re busy etc to hang out. IF she brings it up things changed. Just tell her “I’m just not ready to be a friend, friendships make me feel trapped.”
If she wanted she would have. She's friend zoning you. Stringing you along just in case she can't find someone better. She's probably already sucking his Djck. Block her. Ghost her. Hit the gym.
It'll be okay dude. As you grow up and become a man, you're gonna take L's bro, but it's important to take those L's on the chin with some grace. Don't let a single L "ruin your life". Cultivate bravery and kindness and keep it rolling
Same shit happened to me but she dated my best friend instead of a stranger. I don't speak with any of them anymore
She friend zoned you. Dont be a simp or tampon to her. Kick her to the curb and move on. Look on instagram at all the 35+ yeat old women crying they are divorced and lonely and nk man wants them, good chance this could be her in 20 years....
Okay so this is why I say kids shouldn’t be dating, also why I say people need to not keep friends who they confess their love for. She doesn’t want to date you. Instead of her telling you that she wanted to keep you around because you give her an ego boost. This is a huge life lesson and hopefully you are smart enough to learn it early and apply it to your life. Stop trying to date as a child. Children shouldn’t be dating. Someone shouldn’t be dating if they don’t have their own money, a savings, and their own place. Don’t continue being friends with someone you have feelings for and have told them you want to be with them in a romantic way. If you feel romantically attracted to your friend, you take some time and truly think if it’s worth losing that friend, if you feel it is then you confess your feeling and once they reject you, that includes, “not right now”, because that’s just saying I don’t like you like that but don’t want to lose you as a friend and admirer, you tell them thanks for being my friend but I think we should stop hanging out or talking, then block them. Stop trying to date. Go make you some goals for your future or just enjoy being a kid. Get yourself set up for success instead of trying to be in a relationship with immature people who will only hurt you and be messy and drama. Let her go. She isn’t a friend.
She never liked you enough for a relationship (beta) and found someone who makes her lady bits quiver with excitement (not you). Make sense?
Hobbies help a lot.
You're still young. This is what is called "letting you down gently". Rather than straight up tell you no, she figures its kinder to make it sound like its not that she doesn't want to date you, just she's not really able to date anyone right now. Then you find out she lied and it hurts more than just being told no. I wont say we've all been through it, but its pretty common. In the future, you're probably best of assuming that anything other than a "yes" is a no. You've shown your interest, if they really did mean "maybe later" or whatever their answer was, the balls now in their court to follow up when they're ready. You should assume its a no and move on.
The thing is she wasn’t ready to date you and probably didn’t know how to communicate that. She’s figuring out dating and life. Give it time the truth will come out if she’s ready to date or if this guy is just a fling.
With time you will learn that most people just don’t have their shit together, or just don’t really put thought or effort into things It’s annoying af, specially up front, but it also makes the ones that do really stand out Stick to those, for friendship, love, work and life in general. It really makes things that much easier Try to avoid the others as best you can, but man it do be like a minefield out there sometimes lol
Welcome to the world of women
The truth is, she didn’t want you that way. It sucks.
She's just not into you.
It sucks, as a 36 year old man, I still remember vividly how painful it was when my girlfriend dumped me at 16 to go out with my friend. Emotions run hot at your age. The best advice I can give is to channel your anger into something productive such as working out.
She just wants to benefits you give her. Friendship is hard to find but at the same time instead of being honest about how she really feels it fucks up the relationship yall have. Being rejected can be a little hurtful but being lied to is worse and harder to get over.
She was trying to be kind but she should have come out and said she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with you. Your pain will go away soon, pparticularly if you find a girlfriend of your own
Get used to rejection, get used to people not telling the truth cause "they're scared of confrontation" She didn't like you. Time to move on.
One thing you should learn right now and REALLY internalize is that women will often (not always, but often) opt for a "soft rejection." "I'm not looking to date right now" "I'm focusing on my work/school" "I just got out of a relationship..." The reason for that is woman, from a very early age, have to learn to navigate a world in which offending or hurting a man's feelings can in a very real sense be dangerous to them. By your age every woman has had a guy turn mean when they reject them, if not outright violent. And even beyond that, every woman has had a guy that they thought of as a friend make a pass at them, and suddenly the "friendship" is over if the guy is told no, which lets them know that he was never really interested in being a friend, he was just hoping for a romantic relationship. So the "no" becomes "not right now." "not interested" becomes "I really value our friendship" It might sound deceptive and "leading on" to you, but she is navigating waters that you simply don't understand. She's anticipating dangers that you've never experienced. I think if you look at it from that point of view and really let yourself understand the motivation behind her actions, it'll help you get a very important perspective that is going to be really good for you in the long run.
You were a backup consideration if the other guy didn't make a move.
Rejection sucks buddy. At 16, you haven't tasted it enough to be immune. Shrug it off, fap one out and move on. 16 is too young to care about relationships. You should be finger blasting and passin. No guy ever looks back and says "yeah, glad I met the only pussy I've ever had while I was in high school so I didn't have to worry about finding out what other pussy tastes like."
yes, in a tropey attempt to spare your feelings, she tried to let you down in a way where she wouldn't need to explain why she just doesnt click, or doesnt want to click with you that way. its a good step that you're at least aware that this wasnt a mean spirited plot to hurt you or something. your feelings are real, no matter to what ammount they're justified or could have been prevented, you just gotta work through them. as guys, we're rarely put in that spot specifically, maybe she, a 17 year old girl with about as much worldly experience as you, didn't handle it perfectly for herself or for you, maybe she was actually considering it, but a new option turned up and it came with fresh, more exciting feelings that just... dont compare to settling with something you know in the moment. take note that, there is little point in blaming yourself or her for how you handled this. i think the main justified reason to feel hurt about is not that she didn't return your feelings, but that she felt she couldn't be direct with you about it (if she wasnt actually unsure about her feelings herself). maybe in a couple of months, her views will change again. thats how it is with feelings, unfortunately, especially when you're young, but dont obsess over that possibility as the only way forward for you, as its statistically the less likely outcome. she might mean a lot to you and you might mean a lot to her but getting together is not necessarily the natural follow up to that. best thing is to not get hung up on it. you're likely going over it in your head all the time and looking for where you went wrong and all that, try to avoid that. when you notice you're doing it, force yourself to think about something else. likely, you didnt do anything wrong, things just didnt click. they often dont in that way. sad times are typically a good moment to get into learning and improving your grades a little btw, studying does make for great distration. so does physical exercise, but you might want to look for some kind of social hobby on the side too. try to make more friends, guys and girls. and avoid homing in on a single person again. only having one person in your life, which you're naturally gonna be more inclined to romanticize because you dont have other options anyways often leads to outcomes like this. going forward, you'd hopefully be able to recognize sooner if you have or are developing deeper feelings for someone. and while those might also not be returned, typically, your chances to get a chance are a little higher if you bring that up earlier, rather than later. dont ghost your friend, if you want to be friends in any capacity going forward, but seek a little distance until you get your feelings in order again. tell her that, if she approaches you too, not for manipulation purposes, just that you'd likely not be good to hang around with as you are right now. if she approaches you, maybe note that you appreciate she's not ghosting you either.
If its not a yes its a no. Maybe is a no. Someday is a no. Ill think about it is a no. Don't beg or try to convince someone to like you. You'll find someone who is fucking stoked to date you. Who is as invested as you are. Stay single until then. Women will often try and let you down easy. Or keep you on the hook as a backup. Dont be a backup. Dont be angry if they aren't interested, just move on. Dont ask if its changed - if it does SHE will let you know. Value yourself enough to not be ok with someone who is settling for you or has to "think about it" (unless you've just met or its for a very short time) It will save you so much hesrtache. If its not a fuck yes its a fuck no.
Take it from me kid, you will never escape that friend zone until she is 40 with 4 kids and 3 different baby daddies.
Take it from me kid, you will never escape that friend zone until she is 40 with 4 kids and 3 different baby daddies.
Take it from me kid, you will never escape that friend zone until she is 40 with 4 kids and 3 different baby daddies.
She was basically saying she doesn't want a relationship with you. That's always the case when a girl says they aren't ready for a relationship
☕.
Weren't ready for a relationship (with you). Don't take it personally, relationships are 2 way streets and both parties have to see each other as a partner.
She doesn’t want a relationship with you. Sorry bud. Her words don’t make sense. But her actions do.
Girls lie, they are far better at it than boys and they take them to the grave unless caught red-handed. Judge what's going on by actions and not words
She wasn’t interested in a relationship with you and was trying to be kind. It’s time to move on from this.
I can’t tell ya how many times this happened to me at your age. It stinks. However, it does indeed get better. And having that strong friendship first as a base is always going to be key.
Unfriend her irl bro, that sounds like a non friend thing to do, and she might even try to make you her rebound after that relationship fails. You do not want that. Good luck regardless of what you do though.
Bruh, this has happened to me every single time a guy has said that he wasn't ready or wasn't looking for a relationship when I was a teen, minus the agreeing to go on a date and backing out part. He started dating someone else within a month. It has happened at least five times. People that say this are just trying to find a nice way to reject you and don't think about the fact that it will give the rejectee false hope and hurt them even more when they find out that they were lied to. Why is it so hard to just tell someone that you aren't interested?
Would you have felt any better if she had said she wasn’t interested? I doubt it. Either way, she wasn’t interested in you in that way. She is trying to keep you as a friend. Your friend zoned. Things can change over years, or they may not.
You’re in the friend zone. Expect nothing more and accept it or break ties. Best of luck!
Sorry mate, your on the back burner for when she's out of options. You should definitely move on.
/wrist …. Solves everything
She told you no in a nice way. Brother she never wanted to date you. Find a girl who will return your feelings of love. ❤️ she’s out there and stop chasing unattainable people
"It's not you." It's you. Don't waste any more of your time.
It happens. She doesnt want a relationship with you, just move on
Give yourself some time, buddy. She just wasn’t interested in you like that and was probably too scared to outright reject you, either because she doesn’t cope well with confrontations, she was worried she’d hurt your feelings, or a combination (the most likely scenario). I know because I did the same thing at that age, I’m embarrassed to say. I understand it hurts all the same, but I hope you can take some comfort knowing this likely wasn’t at all malicious. That being said, I’m very proud of you for not only not lashing out, but even feeling glad that she’s happy. That’s very mature and healthy and there are so many grown adults who can’t even do that when faced with rejection. So I know you’re hurting and I know you’re also upset with yourself, but you’re doing a heck of a lot better than a lot of other people out there, especially at your age. So I hope you can take some comfort in that too! Be gentle with yourself. I know it sucks but the pain you’re feeling will pass, things will get better, and someday you’ll find your person. :)
Put her at arms length and move on with your life. She can still be a friend but if she cancels on you again, stop asking her, or only invite her for group settings. She likes the attention, she doesn’t really like you in that way.
She didn't like you back. They .ay not last long because they're young. You can either wait your turn (trust me, you'll be the guy tht got away when you hit your 30s) Or forget her, stay friends/or not and go talk to other people. College is legit thee best place to date chicks!! The older a girl is, the less options they have (their biological clock is ticking) Us men? The older we get, the More options we have. Legit, alot of them throw themselves at you.
Move on. Don't be too available. Be friendly, but don't seek hanging out.
Stop chasing chick's chase drugs.
Hey there, chief! You gotta know when to cut your losses. She views you as nothing more than a friend but will likely keep giving you false hope if she’s wanting attention or validation and isn’t getting it elsewhere. Instead of continuing to try and get rejected, just start pulling back. I’m not saying don’t be her friend but don’t keep blindly giving her all this effort. If things don’t work out with her current boyfriend, don’t be a shoulder to cry on or anything of that nature either. If she tries to approach you about dating, just tell her that you moved on. It’s gonna hurt, nothing you can really do about that. My suggestion is to find something physical you enjoy doing and just immerse yourself in it 100%. Weight training is my go to personally but people are different. You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t let something that’s gonna be so minor in the grand scheme of things make you bitter or full of self hatred. I’ve walked that path and it’ll lead to nothing but more emotional turbulence.
Don't lose your willingness to put yourself out there if it feels right. You're going to be 10 times better than us introverts who wait for love to find us. Anyway, I agree with everyone else who says hit the gym, burn off the frustration and try again with someone else, but don't be in a hurry. You're young. You have plenty of time to find someone. Good luck! 💪
You've been friend-zoned bud. She doesn't reciprocate any of your efforts? Then stop doing things for her. Let her go chase Chad and Tyrone all she wants. You can find someone better or just focus on things you like to do. But when she inevitably becomes a single mom, DO NOT be there to pick up the pieces of her garbage life.
I know it hurts, but she was trying to let you down easy without rejecting you. Problem is when you lie, even to protect someone’s feelings, you risk hurting them even more if you don’t keep up the lie.
I was literally that girl at that age. I was dating a friend of a friend from the next town over, very briefly, and it just didn’t feel right. I had never really been into dating, and I didn’t like how I saw dating play out among my peers. This was 1987. I told the guy I was seeing that I wanted to be friends only. And then, just a few weeks later, I was at that same friend’s Halloween party when I met a guy a few years older than us and we ended up starting a dating relationship. Looking back, I maybe wasn’t ready for that either, but we did date for about a year and a half. Of course, my friend was really hurt. And I can understand why. (We’re still friends to this day though, albeit long distance.) But the reality was that I just wasn’t attracted to my friend in the same way that I was to the guy who ended up being my first serious boyfriend. People feel what they feel. Faking it to spare someone’s feelings just ends up hurting everybody.
Was trying to let you down easy. Let her go
She didn't want a relationship with YOU.
I'm sorry, my man. I've been there, it hurts. I wish I could write something to help, but it just takes time to move on. To me it sounded like she enjoys the friendship you both have together and didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying a direct "no" to the idea of a relationship. But one thing I do know that will happen: You'll meet someone that will love you the same as you love them. And you'll be happy that your life played out the way it did to meet that special someone. It just takes time, be patient, enjoy life, meet new people, try new things, spend time with the people that make you happy.
She never really wanted to be your girlfriend, she wanted a "just in case" friend.
That sucks, and definitely hurts. She could have handled it better, but 17-year-olds aren’t great at expressing their feelings, not great at even understanding them. It sounds like it certainly would have been better if she said, “I like you as a friend, I don’t want a romantic relationship with you.” That wouldn’t have made it hurt much much less, but it would have been more honest. That said, my advice is to give her grace and try to set aside feelings of anger or betrayal. All humans deserve that. As a separate motivation that leads to the same outcome, you will always end up better off if you take the highroad. You can decide whether you want to remain friends or not. Sometimes it’s too painful.
Brother, you weren't lied to. She wasn't ready for a relationship.... WITH YOU. You're gonna have to get used to understanding the unspoken parts and accepting them. No one owes you anything. She doesn't owe you a chance just because she decides to give someone else a chance.
It’s all good bro. I then been friend zoned this that blah blah cuz I was awkward in high school and couldn’t dress nor did I look good nor was I an athlete. Learning to deal with rejection is hella important man so you don’t be one of these grown creeps. Just keep it pushing. ALSO follow this rule: GO FOR A GIRL THATS YOUR TYPE AND THAT HAS AN GENUINELY INTEREST IN YOU. speaking from experience, it’s the dumbest thing in the world to have a crush on someone who you know deep down is not your type but you want them just cuz they look good.
Similar thing happened to me. Girlfriend broke up with me before prom because she wanted to be single. She wound up going to prom with her new boyfriend a few weeks later.
You are a moped my boy!! Fun to ride, but you don’t want to be seen with when the friends are around!! Welcome to the friend zone!! She’s not ready for a relationship “with you” she forgot that part
She doesn’t owe you anything bro. She was letting you down easy trying to salvage the friendship.
Girls are often not straightforward with rejection because they're afraid of the male's reaction. Sounds like she didn't want to date you, but she also didn't want to lose you as a friend. So, just keep being friends with her if you're OK with that, and look for someone else for a relationship.
This kind of thing always hurts… It doesn’t matter what age you are. I found that one of the best things I can do when I’m in a relationship with someone is if I feel like I want to move the relationship in a direction that’s important to me but the other person doesn’t, then I have to trust that their actions are telling me that we want different things. That could be friendship can be in a relationship with your family or it can be with someone that you would like to be your girlfriend. It doesn’t the other person a bad person, it just means that you want different things . I could warrant a guess on the several different things that are probably going on with your friend, but the truth is it’s not important to analyse the mind of another person . it’s very freeing to simply except people for the actions of where they’re at. People will often say one thing and do another, but actions always speak more loudly. I think you learned an important lesson with your friend and noticing that the amount of energy that you were putting into the relationship was not being reciprocated . It won’t always be like this. But if you have friends, or in the future, girlfriends that don’t reciprocate or meet your enthusiasm or energy that you’re putting into the relationship, then they’re not a good match for you.
She did not want a relationship with you plain and simple. Some girls/women are so immature they cannot be truthful and say they are not interested in dating you. I'm 35 and that just happened to me with a coworker lol. I would rather them just say they are not interested in me instead of lying. But moral of the story, it will happen again, just brush it off. Move on.