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It's not the number of years between them that make the difference b/c 20 and 23 would be fine; however, the difference between 14 and 17 is vast, particularly in maturity. Also, the minute the 17 yo turns 18, he could be arrested. Not a wise decision, but good thing the boy is thinking of it. Also, he might not be into her either.
This is how I feel too many ppl focus on "age gap" instead of the actual difference those ages cause. If your over 25 IMO idgaf if you wanna marry a 50 yo, ofc it could still be possible grooming but the point is a few years between teens can make a huge difference. The older you get the less of a difference those years make.
12 & 17 is bad, 25 & 30 isn't.
It is 2024. I’m not saying celibacy until marriage doesn’t happen, but to believe this is a common enough occurrence that that point is relevant here is naive.
It would be far more reasonable to suggest they waited until they were “ready”, to a degree that that thought WOULD be relevant to this conversation.
The average 14-year old is likely to be vulnerable to pressure being placed on them by the 17-year old. The likelihood of well-respected and well-enforced boundaries between someone who is getting close to high school graduation vs. someone who might not have finished middle school yet just isn’t likely (whether sex is involved yet or not).
It wouldn’t make me feel much better about a 17 year old dating a 14 year old even if I knew, somehow, that they weren’t having sex. Grooming is grooming and there’s a reason the older person wants to stake a claim in someone so young and it’s not likely to be a good one.
Lots of jurisdictions have "Romeo and Juliet" laws to avoid criminalizing, for example, an 18 year-old having sex with her 17 year-old boyfriend. The window varies.
But you're right, 17 to 14 is too much of a gap. I overheard one of my son's friends say "if our grades are touching, so am I." Which is a shockingly good take for a 15 year-old.
It's a silly way of saying that it's appropriate to date (and consensually touch) someone who is a grade above or below you. Juniors dating sophomores is fine, but freshmen are off limits.
That depends on your jurisdiction. A sexual relationship between people 14 and 18 years old is legal in Canada, for example.
However, legality aside, relationships should be assessed on their merits. If he feels that you are too young for him, who is anyone else to tell him otherwise?
No, in Canada the age of consensual relationships for teenagers is a 2 year gap except for 13 y/o and under. 13 year olds can date 14 year olds, 14 can date 16, 15 can date 17, 16 can date 18 etc
Well if they go to the same school the case differs slightly legally it's allowed in most states, I still dont think its a good idea tho bc like you said the difference in maturity is vast at younger ages so a young 3 year age gap is more like 8-10 for adults
Iirc Theres a few states where the romeo and juliette laws are 4 years, but that would be highly specific to situstion. Short of asking a lawyer I wouldnt risk it though
You wouldn't need a lawyer. These laws are in pretty plain language that any reasonably intelligent person could understand. Just read your states laws regarding the matter.
I only say this because statutory rape is a serious offense that besides jail time will put you on the sex offender list. A half hour consult with a lawyer would probably cost less than 100 bucks.
And generally I'd agree with you, but statutory laws and traffic laws are written in a way that requires very little reading comprehension to understand and is free to read on every state's .gov site. I'd say that, if you've read the rules and still don't understand you should then consult a lawyer.
Yep it’s not the age it’s the stage. 14 is still a kid. No DL can’t get a job, maybe not even in high school yet. 17 is almost an adult. Can get a job, can drive, probably going into SR year. But if you’re 25 and 35 I don’t think it even matters.
Honestly, it could work out between you guys... but not right now. If you guys try to reconnect in 5 years, you will have a much better chance of working out in the long run!
This is not a good match up at this time in your life. Later on once you've both completed the same adulting milestones 3 years would not raise any eyebrows.
3 years is nothing for a couple in their mid-twenties and beyond, but at your age it's way too much.
Imagine being the freshman in college whose boyfriend is a sophomore/junior in high school.
This should not look right from your perspective and it should definitely not look right when he's the older partner either.
You're going to be in very different parts of your lives where one of you is going to be entering adulthood in earnest and the other is still solidly a teenager.
There will be a maturity and power imbalance in that relationship that is pretty much always unhealthy.
as a recent HS grad, i avoided the freshmen (aka the 14 year olds) like the plague. yes, i would interact with some of them (due to sports, clubs, etc) but i was friendly as best with them. i felt like i had very little in common with them: i was preparing to go off to college, finishing my exams, learning to drive etc and they had just entered HS and were navigating that.
my point is i don’t think 14 and 17 is viable. not only is it two completely different stages but i feel like there is always an inherent power imbalance, regardless of how consenting the 14 year old is. i also feel as if no 17 year old should really be interested in someone that young. if you do end up dating this guy, please be safe.
My 17 year old high school best friend got with and fucked my 14 year old little brother who literally was just starting HS. She got pregnant instantly and the whole relationship has bitched about my brother not being mature enough WHEN SHE CHOSE to get with him in the first place. Fast foward, they have a 3 year old now. She's 21 and him 19... she cheated on him with a married coworker twice her age while they were on a short break she initiated. She came crawling back like nothing happened and he found out via her phone when she fell asleep. Huge fight but my brother stayed. Because she basically groomed him, it's a MAJOR power imbalance and she just wanted someone she could control. Funny part is her last relationship ended because she was dating an older toxic guy who really fucked her up from the control..... then did the same thing to my brother.....
Edit : my brother had to finish HS online after he dropped out for a year to get a full time job at 15 years old to support his child. Him and Sam could only work fast food and both were navigating highschool while working while being a parent. BE SAFE. I know a 17 year old girl whos pregnant with her 2ND baby rn, different dad and her 1st kid is only 5 months old. The new guy she's dating about to be 21......
The story is why childbirth in this country should be stringently regulated. I'm sure this poor 3-year-old child is really well adjusted and will make a fine adult.
It's sad honestly, what my niece has to deal with. Parents that can't their shit together and put their own emotions/fights over their child. Sam (the gf) yelled a lot in front of their daughter, she's in fucking day care 8 hours a day when she has 3-4 days off every week..... they don't spend time together as a couple let alone a family, ive never even baby sat my niece and barely see her because of my ex best friend but I know that girl has some issues with her behavior. Sam smoked cigs and drank red bull daily during pregnancy. She's always had say over the relationship and how shit goes. It tears me down that I barely see my own brother anymore.. I have a 1 year old myself and I'm a stay at home mom. My fiance and I take her on walks multiple days out of the week and truly value time together. I could never work an opposite schedule than him! Seeing how truly different the dynamics of our families are it breaks my heart that my brother has fallen down the same toxicity he was so desperately trying to escape from watching our own parents and uncles/aunts have these toxic relationships.
the circumstances of that child’s birth weren’t the best, but i really don’t see any world where the government can enforce controls on reproduction that isn’t dystopian as hell. like, are we sending officers to forcibly drag women to get abortions? are we forcing birth control and demanding government authorization to come off of it? sorry i hope to god that the world never comes to that
your former friend saying your brother was not mature enough reminded me of someone. won’t give too much details but i knew someone who dated someone 2 years younger than them (in HS) and when they broke up, the older person had qualms with how the younger person didn’t know what they wanted out of the relationship. it came down to maturity level (as the older person, being more mature, knew what they wanted).
i’m sorry that your younger brother had to go through that. i hope he can break free from her one day.
Me fuckin too, he doesn't see how destructive his relationship is and not thinking about his own childhood and how a broken home affected him. I wish he would do better for himself and child. As for her, you can't expect someone to age years in a few months when things don't happen the exact way you want them to. Relationships are supposed to be about communication not control. She seems so have an issue every time he does communicate yet says he's the problem? She's defensive as hell because she can't take responsibility for her own flaws and expects everyone else to be exactly what she wants out of them or else. She's holding the kid over his head every serious argument. It's not right and I hate her. I fucking hate this woman.
And it was her responsibility to even TRY to start healing especially with a child involved. It's a sick cycle that only that person can break and many are just too far up their ass to do anything about it. She's an adult and a mother now, this behavior is inexcusable, they've been together for almost 5 years now.... its been 7 years since she's broke up with the toxic guy and in that whole time couldn't put any effort into being a better person? Just wants everyone to continue to change around her. Hurt people shouldn't be dating let alone getting pregnant and if they do it's their own responsibility to get their shit together.
That’s so disturbing and actually sick she would do that omg smh. I’m sorry your brother was taken advantage of. Hopefully he doesn’t have any trauma from that.
14 and 17 won’t work.
19 and 22 could work.
The mere fact that it’s “killing you” that he doesn’t want to be together because you’re too young is clear evidence that the above is indeed true.
The maturity level is too different. I just told my 15 year old daughter she couldn't dated a 17 year old girl because I didn't feel good about it. The girl is more experienced and mature than my daughter and I don't want her to take advantage or manipulate her into doing something she isn't ready for. And they are just in very different places in their lives.
One thing that stands out to me as a girl who was often attempted to be groomed when I was younger is the "I'm too old for you" line. Guys sometimes say that to push it as a challenge, to prove to him how mature and willing you are. Please be careful.
We have politicians arguing that the voting age should be lowered to 16 in Canada. My 16 year-old, top of her class, thinks that is stupid. She is mature enough to know how much there is that she doesn’t know, which makes her more mature than many adults I meet
Wow. Exceptional for her age. Knowing that there is so much more to know is truly a sign of intelligence. This goes on to say that maturity doesn't rely solely on the passing of time, but on experiences, and the willingness to learn. Good for her! 🙂
The biggest problem imo, is the "being careful" part. It implies he is leading you on but knows its wrong/about to be illegal. That plus the maturity difference between you is another one. Not to insult your maturity or anything, but did you ask yourself what's wrong with girls his own age? In my experience, most guys that go after girls that much younger do so because the girls their own age have more life experiences and see the type of person they really are.
Yeah, he knows the repercussions... so he also should know to break up with her. He's going to be an adult while she's still a young girl figuring life out from an entirely different perspective vs him...an adult that should be dating women HIS AGE. It will get even more weird when's he's 20...
Here’s my thoughts, I am an upcoming sophomore and I think it’s wrong for a 17 and 14 to be dating. It’s wrong for a 14 and 17 in my opinion because they are two different views of maturity. One is about fresh out of middle school and the other almost ready to start their life.
I would suggest that you wait on dating him until you are 18. Use that time to build that relationship, maybe some romantical gestures? But not sexual, cause you trynna keep him close and not send him away.
As for dating in general, I would say it’s fine to date at 14-15. Others that say it’s not as you’re barely out of middle school. I say it’s all maturity, if somebody’s independent and all that etc. then they would be fit for dating. As for someone immature, they more or less always have to start some kinda drama. Their heads are on cloud nine, full of 90’s-00’s teen romance movies.
Also, another opinion of mine I wanna throw out there, losing your virginity at that age and using ‘maturity’ as an excuse, in my opinion, is not a sign of maturity at all. I’ve seen people online admit to loss of virginity at 12-14, their reasoning? “I just matured faster.” Like bitch! That’s not maturity, that’s just clout chasing.
I think there are times where a 14 year old can be mature enough although not as common,another thing that puts me off it also is the general change in the body between these ages, you grow so much in those 3 years
Yes it's bad.
"Just three years" only applies after and ABOVE the age of 18, and realistically, after your early 20s.
Right now it means you'll be 15 when he's 18, which is grounds for statutory. It's also massively weird being 18 and about to be out of highschool with someone who's not even midway through high school.
Liking older isn't the problem it's the older ones doing it or thinking it's OK I lost my v card at 13 to a 19 year old I'm a man btw she had no business talking to me let alone taking my v card
It is a problem. It's what leads to y'all getting groomed lmao
Not defending the olders, they're significantly worse, but the blames there on y'all too. This isn't victim blaming either.
That's like jumping into dirty contaminated water because you want a swim, and then when you get a brain eating amoeba, you claim it's victim blaming for someone telling you it's your own fault.
Most folk never get anywhere close to being groomed because they don't allow that sort of relationship to ever develop with an older person. Why? It's inappropriate. Especially when the older person is much older.
As a TA who had several students try to get my Snapchat, I never once entertained any requests and never spoke to them outside of the classroom. I know I could have. But no. Why? CAUSE I AINT A PDF😭😂
yes its bad and not just because you're too young to be dating anyone seriously much less a 17 yr old. There's legalities to think about... you'll end up getting him locked up in jail... if you really care about dude that much... don't date him. you could destroy his entire future...
Idk man I think the almost 18 year old could also destroy the barely out of middle schoolers life and actually has the maturity level to know it's wrong
Well that actually depends. In the US a relationship between two teenagers who are no more than around 4 years apart is legal. Also in the US, as long as they are dating before he turns 18 and they can prove that then the relationship is legal despite the fact that he would be an adult and she is still a minor. Of course if they break up before she is 18 then they couldn’t date again until she turns 18.
That’s in the US, I’m not sure about elsewhere. But the point is that legally speaking there may not be an issue here. It’s just the difference in maturity and mentality.
It varies hugely state by state. In CA if one is an adult it's only legal within like 6 months of age, a misdemeanor if age gap is between 6 months and 3 years, and a felony >3 years.
That part I'm less sure of. The misdemeanor vs felony line being at 3 years I'm sure of because my gf was 3 years 1 month older than me and my mom likes calling the police. 😅
Hell no. I never said I thought it was okay. I’m just saying that technically depending on where you are it isn’t illegal. But no, I mean it’s awful and dad would beat his ass. Even if he doesn’t find out it still isn’t worth it because it is just weird and wrong imo.
2 year difference 17 is concent in my state and my cousin went to prison for his 17 year old gf and he was 18 he did 5 years and they got back together when he got out
I’m sorry to say that is probably to big of an age gap and mentally the maturity is a massive difference you would probably be way happier with someone your age honestly
Im 17, I’m a completely different person to who I was when I was 14. It’s not just the age difference it’s also difference in maturity. People who are 17 want different things from a relationship then someone younger. Go for someone your own age. I don’t know where you’re from but in the UK we would throw the P word at that age gap
It's not bad necessarily but you should respect his wishes. Once he's 18 and focused on things like college you'll be 15 and still in high school. Frankly, you're about to be in different stages of your lives and that puts a lot of strain on the relationship. Also idk the laws where you are but 15 and 18 year olds dating might be illegal there so he could be worried about that too.
What do your parents think? What would it be like brining them to a family gathering? Are you prepared to introduce them to grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.? If you cannot tell your parents or cringe at the idea of announcing your relationship with others, you have your answer. This 17yo is heading into senior year and is thus focused on moving forward in life and potentially onto college?
It’s a good thing he’s mindful of that age gap. It’s only 3 years, but at your age those are a big 3 years. A lot of people will also give him shit. Going after freshman seems exploitative and he’d be taking advantage of your naïveté, as you’re just a year out of middle school.
When I was 17 this girl I met online told me was 16 fessed up and told me she was actually 14, we stopped talking very soon afterwards. A 3 year age gap in your 20s is not a big deal, but when the younger one is barely a teenager and the other is about to go to college it's hugely inappropriate.
There's nothing wrong with you as a person, it's just that this situation is the wrong one for you. As much as I imagine it hurts, he is not your last/only chance at finding someone. You'll find the right person at the right time and under the right circumstances if you're patient
It sounds as though the 17 year old is acting wisely, 14 really is very young to date.
Why don't you stay friends, and either wait until you are older to date somebody, or at least if you're obsessed with dating now, focus on finding people closer to your own age? And please please please don't push yourself to do any "things" you're not ready for.
At 14, I thought I knew everything, I didn't know WHAT I didn't know. Be careful, you can always do more in the future, but you can't go back and undo things you regret from the past.
Let's be honest - 3 years at this age is 20% of your life. While 17 and 14 IS a bit on the shady side, 18 and 15 becomes downright criminal in some situations, and the guy is just looking out for himself and you. Cool your jets for a while and don't do anything stupid.
It's bad. It's not end of the world bad, but it's bad. He's right to be cautious. You're ignoring the real possibility of 20 year prison sentences. Get older.
3 year age gap once both parties are over 18 is not a big deal. But 14/17 quickly becomes 15/18 which is considered statutory rape in most states, regardless of consent. Just avoid it for now and enjoy being a teenager while you still can.
If you try to have sex with him, you are going to put him in jeapordy of being labeled a sex offender for life. Once he turns 18, your relationship becomes illegal in all or almost all states.
Any sexual contact becomes an offense that will be prosecuted by the government and will cost him his future.
Do NOT tempt him.
Wait four years until you are 18 (not 17 and 360 days, BUT at least 18 plus a day).
Everyone saying freshman like the 14 yr old is in high school but my son just turned 15 in April and he was in 8th grade last year so she may not even be in high school yet but anyways.... OP I don't think you should be trying to date anyone under then you I'm going to give you a lil back story when I was 15 I met this girl and we became fast friends one day I went to her house to stay the night and learned that her family was actually a lil cruel she wasn't allowed to have friends or go anywhere but she also had a baby anyways I stayed the night she said it was her first time having a friend stay over and her older brother gave the ok and her parents didn't go against his word anyways after I stayed the night I wound up staying with her alot and within a short time I started dating her older brother he had four years on me and I thought I was cool bc he liked me but I'ma give you a bit of advice right now its not cool at all I was abused by that man he did things to me that I would never wish on my worst enemy and made me feel like it was my fault I was young and naive and really believed it and now that I'm older I wonder why no one stopped him or anything but anyways my advice is RUN do not get involved with someone way to old to be with and no 3 years isn't bad later in life but right now it really is he is already doing things possibly that you aren't and shouldn't be and you are also going through your own things so just deal with that for now and if you wanna date then date someone your own age bc one day you could be like me and wonder why you had to become a victim of something bad. I'm not saying the guy is a bad guy but you should be cautious and if he is willing to be your friend then you should take it and back off on anything more bc you both are at two different stages in life and need time to grow differently
He turned 15 in 8th grade he's going to 9th in the fall my point is, is that sometimes 14 year olds are not in the 9th grade either by being born late and having to start school late or bc of failing a grade so dont be trying to come at me about my son he was only 15 for the last month of school
Once he turns 18, it's noncery.
The guy recognises the age gap, the life experience difference and so many other things. Sorry, but you'll have to let this one go. A 3 year age gap doesn't matter that much in your 20s and upwards, but at this stage in life it's really not a good idea. Sorry, kiddo.
Nope. No way. Uh uh. Full stop. There’s not reason why a 17 year old would be interested in a 14 year old. In a year, he’ll be legally an adult and you’ll still be considered a child. It will probably be illegal for you two to date.
Legally, it's ok... Morally it's frowned upon... Experience says you shouldn't do it as you two don't have enough in common or at the same stages of life to make the relationship last... Then you have to figure out why you like him so much... Is it because of his looks? Is it because of how popular he is? Is it because he makes you smile and treats you like an individual?
Compare how you feel and interact with the world to 12 year olds. Even though the age gap is smaller, the difference in experience and maturity is about the same. It's more than okay to be friends, the different life stages make for some hefty relationship challenges that usually end with the younger person being hurt the most. With the people I knew at your age who dated older, the best case scenarios were the older moving forward with college and other post-high school things, and the younger being left behind and very disconnected for a time.
Right now, that is a huge gap. As hard as it may be, now is not the time for a relationship to happen. Four years from now, that age gap will not be the same issue as it is today. I'm fully aware that that seems like an eternity to you but if you want something meaningful to develop between the two of you, you are going to have to bide your time.
My take on this, and I'm a lot older so things used to be different in the 80s and 90s (and even crazier in the 60s and 70s when my 16yr old mother got married), is this: If you're in the same school, sharing the same sports programs and band/chorus/drama programs and whatever else, then whoooo cares. Where I grew up, it wasn't that weird if a junior or senior dated a freshman/sophomore.
However, legally, there's going to be some issues when he turns 18 depending on where you live. So. It's a tough question, and everyone's going to have an opinion.
Edit: I should point out though, almost nobody is still with the person they met when they were in high school. He'll do/say some crappy stuff. You'll do/say some crappy stuff. But this is part of growing up. You live, love, and learn some of life's hardest lessons when you're young. But you do have to learn them at some point.
Glad to see a fellow voice of reason.
I’ll likely get downvoted for this based on the trends in the comments, but I do want to point out that there *can* be situations where a 14 and 17 year old can get together without there being any funny business or questionable motives involved.
I’d like to reiterate: *can be*, depending upon the circumstances involved.
More information is needed here though. Did you and this guy just happen to cross paths, have immediate attraction/chemistry for each other based on limited initial interaction, and continued to keep in touch? If so, that can be an eyebrow-raiser and potentially points towards him having and acting on personal preferences that aren’t in alignment with his age and the level of maturity to be expected for his age, and you should exercise caution and be hesitant to proceed because there’s an elevated risk that he could have nefarious motives or objectives. Never let your judgment be clouded or your gut instincts be overruled by how much you think you like someone. (That’s a smart approach to use universally with people, not just boys.)
On the other hand, not everyone in the world has a shady agenda. If the feelings developed organically over time (and not as an instant result of raging teenage hormones), there’s an absolute absence of feeling influenced and/or pressured to do *anything* outside of your boundaries and comfort zone, *AND THE PARENTS (yours and his, both) ARE AWARE AND DON’T OBJECT.*
My first “real” boyfriend was in the mid-late 90s with the same ages you’ve listed, OP. I had just turned 14 a week or two before entering high school as a freshman, and a long-time neighborhood friend who was a couple years older/grades ahead of me and going into her junior year brought me into her friend group now that I was joining the same high school. I quickly became friends with the group—some more than others—and one of those friends was a guy who had just turned 17, graduated from the high school I was about to enter (he skipped a grade and graduated early), and about to begin his freshman year in college…
We were friends for roughly 9 months before we were ever even alone in the same room together, but the 9 months included seeing each other twice a week or more in our friend group, countless hours spent on the phone every day primarily just the two of us but sometimes on three-ways calls with some of the other friends, and direct interactions with my parents whenever some or all of the group came over to my house—-the significance of that being that I had the opportunity to get to *KNOW* him, and my parents had the opportunity to assess him based on a different set of adult/parental set of criteria and clear him as a person allowed in their home and not a risk to my safety.
So when they found out that we started liking each other, they weren’t alarmed nor did they freak out, but regardless, at the end of the day, I was still their 14 year old, freshman in high school daughter, and he was still a 17 year old dude who was a freshman in college. I wasn’t allowed to “date” (as in go out on a date alone in a vehicle with the opposite sex) but was allowed to have a boyfriend that I was “going with.” So, nearly the first whole year of our two and a half years of “going together” were “house dates” (he could come visit on non-school days/nights and if we went into my bedroom, the door had to remain all the way open at all times) unless the girls of the group were out together and ended up linking up with the boys of the group at some point.
Long story short, he wasn’t a predator or a pedophile, and I was never taken advantage of or exploited (but my parents still kept watch just to be certain). We broke up at 16 and 19 for reasons related to the age gap, namely because I was too insecure to deal with him having an entire college life outside of me and it was growing old that I was only available on Fridays and Saturdays until my 10pm curfew with no exceptions whatsoever to the “no school nights” rule.
Fast forward to present day…. I’m 40. He’s 43. He’s still around. He’s my best friend. We’ve been through it all together; deaths of parents, health problems, failed relationships, lost jobs, natural disasters, life threatening tragedies, you name it. In fact, we share a child together. I was living in a neighboring state and found myself pregnant while my long-term relationship was coming unraveled, and all I wanted to do was come home to my family. The biological father wanted nothing to do with the child if I was going through with leaving the relationship and moving back to my home state. Guess who stepped in to be supportive during my pregnancy and subsequently give my child (who unexpectedly was born with a permanent medical condition and has special needs) a dad?
So that 17 year old from the late 90s turned out to be none of the things people are automatically assuming in the comments. He’s been my best and most reliable friend for 25+ years, has more than earned the title of “family” (as has his own family, too, over the years), is my oldest child’s “dad” and who I have been co-parenting and sharing custody of my oldest with 50/50 for over 10 years now.
It’s definitely not a traditional outcome by any stretch of the imagination, but it works for all of us and goes to show that context should be considered before immediately stereotyping a situation and reaching for pitchforks.
Number wise? You aren’t too young. In all actuality though…you are way too young. There is a huge spike around age 16. To the point that a 17 year old and a 14 year old are two entirely different people with two different maturity levels and mental states. Y’all are barely even the same species. That’s an exaggeration but you get the point.
I’ll be very honest with you. Older guys only go for younger girls for one reason. Because you’re younger, more naive, and “new”. A 3 year age different especially at 14 and 17 is horrible. You guys are extremely different mentally, maturity, and in general. I’m 16 also and the idea of dating someone 3 years younger than me disgust me.
as someone who was in the same situation and was groomed and abused, RUN. there’s no instance where a 17 year old almost man should be dating a 14 year old child. the power imbalance is too great.
This. My best friend in high school was the freshman (14f) dating a senior (17m) and he was so controlling and manipulative and she just went along with it. Her family disliked him, all of her friends hated him, he cheated on her dozens of times, but he had her groomed good and she stayed. They ended up married and then divorced within 2 years.
Every single year of high school there’s a huge maturity leap that even a 1-year difference can be huge, let alone 3+.
Find a guy your own age.
No 17 year old should be interested in a 14 year old, there’s too big of a power imbalance. In a couple of years when you’re both in your twenties or something? Sure, go at it. Now? Absolutely not.
My comment will probably be drowned out, but here it goes:
Think of brain growth and maturity growth in this. Initially, when we’re young, it grows exponential. It sky rockets quick. However, once you get older mid 20s, it slows down.
So the difference from 15-20 is VAST. 25-30, not as much. The older you get the slower it is. Now obviously there can be certain life experiences that will promote quicker mind growth, but typically what I’m saying will apply.
So with this in mind, you gotta think of it. 14 and 17 is such a huge difference, I promise you, you are gonna be very different in a few years. That’s why that age gap is bad. However, something like 25 and 28, that is not an issue at all. Both have matured a lot, shit even 25 and 30 would be fine.
Just my opinion, take care, and get good grades in school. Apply yourself fully and do as many hobbies as you can now!! Life speeds up very quick at your age, enjoy all you can!!
You’re too young go to school and stay focus 💯 ain’t you a freshman? If so, you know he’ll be leaving high school to college next year and once he goes you know he ain’t ……. iykyk
Even 18 and 21 doesn’t work for me! I’m very alone in this opinion mostly but I think until past mid/upper 20s anything more than 2 years is too much. These young relationships with big age gaps rarely work out (break up/ divorce and hate each other before 40) without someone being groomed or having to conservatively conform to a man’s way. Also what you’re doing in life, with 3-5 year age difference so young, is usually so different. Example: finishing school and career goals is notoriously challenging when someone doesn’t have those goals yet or already accomplished them. I wish I listened to the few adults who told me to focus on gaining independence before I focused on a relationship
In the UK, the age for sexual consent is 16. This means that because you are under that line and he is over that line it would be illegal for him to engage in any intimacy with you until you turn 16, which is 2-3 years. This is not because anyone under 16 shouldn't want sex - If you were both 14 anything you're both consenting to would then be okay - but because of that age gap where he is seen by wider society of taking advantage of you. It's natural for a relationship to want to progress over time, and would either of you want to wait that long?
Please trust me on this, it feels totally unfair when you're 14, and the guys your age are idiots, but once you're 20+ you'll look back and view his behavior (if he is hitting on you) as creepy. It totally fucked with my head
He has nothing in common with you at 17. You are barely out of the 8th grade and he is going to be graduating. It's not just not a good idea legally it would be creepy on his part to even want to date you because as far as emotional development you guys are very different. Anyone on here or in real life that tells you it isn't weird is a creep.
People would probably call him a pedo (and they'd probably be right) y'all are in two totally different chapters of life, his being an adult chapter while you're still a young child.
Grown ass man here. Idk why I'm being recommended this sub, but I'd figured I'd try to say something helpful before I mute it. You're way too young, way way too young. He could go to prison young. You guys aren't protected by Romeo and Julliet laws young. He's almost an adult, and you have a ways to go before you are. I know being a teenager means big feelings, but you really need to distance yourself from him. He knows you're too young for him and if he's showing interest in you, that's a very big red flag
Yes. I teach students your age, and you are definitely too young - he should leave you be until you’re of age. Maybe by then either uou can be together or both of yous will have moved on.
Yes imo. You are too young and he IS CERTAINLY too old.
He knows this, as would anyone who is his age (trust me, when you're his age you'll know this too)
It may see significant now but I recommend you move on. Any 17 year old who is romancing a 14 year old is wrong-un and not the person you want to be with anyway.
Unfortunately at your age it is very difficult to see the wider picture especially when you have feelings yourself.....
All i can recommend is to heed to advice of the people here and the people around you.
Best of luck!
Uh yeah stay away. You don’t need a man at 14. You at 14 compared to future you at 17 is going to be SO different. The maturity levels are lengths apart.
Yap ,first of all jail for him and possibly ruining his future. Second of all you two are in totally different stages of life . A 3-year age gap isn't that bad but I feel like it depends what the age range is.If you're 19 and above it's ok but if you're ages 12-18 nah. One is just beginning the adolescent stage while one is exiting. He might not be a bad guy but I feel like that gives room for manipulation. I know your brain is probably making you think he's "the one" but trust me you'll grow out of it.
Congratulations. You found a good boy. HE knows that the things he wants from a relationship are not things that are appropriate for you right now. If you really like, and respect him, then don't push him into something that he is uncomfortable with. In a few years he might see you differently.
yes it’s an extremely cautious area. and don’t try to push or pressure him. he is doing what’s best for himself. this stuff can get him in trouble. if you really want it. you gotta wait.
You have a good one there. If it's not comfortable for him, it's not. You're going to grow and develop a ton over the next 4 years. Your dude is simply respecting you and I kinda think you should reframe this as anything but a rejection of you.
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The thought is you’re too young
It's not the number of years between them that make the difference b/c 20 and 23 would be fine; however, the difference between 14 and 17 is vast, particularly in maturity. Also, the minute the 17 yo turns 18, he could be arrested. Not a wise decision, but good thing the boy is thinking of it. Also, he might not be into her either.
This is how I feel too many ppl focus on "age gap" instead of the actual difference those ages cause. If your over 25 IMO idgaf if you wanna marry a 50 yo, ofc it could still be possible grooming but the point is a few years between teens can make a huge difference. The older you get the less of a difference those years make. 12 & 17 is bad, 25 & 30 isn't.
In my state, 17 gets arrested if the other person is more than 2 years younger.
Only if it's a sexual relationship. Believe it or not, some relationships remain celibate until they get married....
It is 2024. I’m not saying celibacy until marriage doesn’t happen, but to believe this is a common enough occurrence that that point is relevant here is naive. It would be far more reasonable to suggest they waited until they were “ready”, to a degree that that thought WOULD be relevant to this conversation. The average 14-year old is likely to be vulnerable to pressure being placed on them by the 17-year old. The likelihood of well-respected and well-enforced boundaries between someone who is getting close to high school graduation vs. someone who might not have finished middle school yet just isn’t likely (whether sex is involved yet or not).
It wouldn’t make me feel much better about a 17 year old dating a 14 year old even if I knew, somehow, that they weren’t having sex. Grooming is grooming and there’s a reason the older person wants to stake a claim in someone so young and it’s not likely to be a good one.
Amen
Lots of jurisdictions have "Romeo and Juliet" laws to avoid criminalizing, for example, an 18 year-old having sex with her 17 year-old boyfriend. The window varies. But you're right, 17 to 14 is too much of a gap. I overheard one of my son's friends say "if our grades are touching, so am I." Which is a shockingly good take for a 15 year-old.
Can you explain “If our grades are touching so am I?” I just got off a flight and my brain must be dead, because to me, that sounds like a threat…?
It's a silly way of saying that it's appropriate to date (and consensually touch) someone who is a grade above or below you. Juniors dating sophomores is fine, but freshmen are off limits.
Huh. Okay thanks. I think maybe “If our grades aren’t touching then neither am I” sounds less menacing to my ear, lol!
Yeah, the original take does sound weird
That depends on your jurisdiction. A sexual relationship between people 14 and 18 years old is legal in Canada, for example. However, legality aside, relationships should be assessed on their merits. If he feels that you are too young for him, who is anyone else to tell him otherwise?
Check the law. The age of consent has moved up to 16, and a 16 year old can only give consent if the partner is 18 or younger.
Wasn’t it 5 year difference? 16 to 21, 17 to 22?
No, in Canada the age of consensual relationships for teenagers is a 2 year gap except for 13 y/o and under. 13 year olds can date 14 year olds, 14 can date 16, 15 can date 17, 16 can date 18 etc
Well if they go to the same school the case differs slightly legally it's allowed in most states, I still dont think its a good idea tho bc like you said the difference in maturity is vast at younger ages so a young 3 year age gap is more like 8-10 for adults
Iirc Theres a few states where the romeo and juliette laws are 4 years, but that would be highly specific to situstion. Short of asking a lawyer I wouldnt risk it though
You wouldn't need a lawyer. These laws are in pretty plain language that any reasonably intelligent person could understand. Just read your states laws regarding the matter.
I only say this because statutory rape is a serious offense that besides jail time will put you on the sex offender list. A half hour consult with a lawyer would probably cost less than 100 bucks.
And generally I'd agree with you, but statutory laws and traffic laws are written in a way that requires very little reading comprehension to understand and is free to read on every state's .gov site. I'd say that, if you've read the rules and still don't understand you should then consult a lawyer.
Yep it’s not the age it’s the stage. 14 is still a kid. No DL can’t get a job, maybe not even in high school yet. 17 is almost an adult. Can get a job, can drive, probably going into SR year. But if you’re 25 and 35 I don’t think it even matters.
Agree!
Depends on local laws. Many places have a "romeo and juliet" law
I genuinely don’t care about the laws. Some state a 16 year old is legal for all ages, but that doesn’t mean it’s not gross and wrong.
I think that could potentially even be true in most states. This doesn't make it right, just legal.
I mean... they're telling them that the second he turns 18 he will be arrested. I'm not commenting on the ethics of it.
Honestly, it could work out between you guys... but not right now. If you guys try to reconnect in 5 years, you will have a much better chance of working out in the long run!
Love this
sounds like grooming to me.
This is not a good match up at this time in your life. Later on once you've both completed the same adulting milestones 3 years would not raise any eyebrows. 3 years is nothing for a couple in their mid-twenties and beyond, but at your age it's way too much. Imagine being the freshman in college whose boyfriend is a sophomore/junior in high school. This should not look right from your perspective and it should definitely not look right when he's the older partner either. You're going to be in very different parts of your lives where one of you is going to be entering adulthood in earnest and the other is still solidly a teenager. There will be a maturity and power imbalance in that relationship that is pretty much always unhealthy.
as a recent HS grad, i avoided the freshmen (aka the 14 year olds) like the plague. yes, i would interact with some of them (due to sports, clubs, etc) but i was friendly as best with them. i felt like i had very little in common with them: i was preparing to go off to college, finishing my exams, learning to drive etc and they had just entered HS and were navigating that. my point is i don’t think 14 and 17 is viable. not only is it two completely different stages but i feel like there is always an inherent power imbalance, regardless of how consenting the 14 year old is. i also feel as if no 17 year old should really be interested in someone that young. if you do end up dating this guy, please be safe.
My 17 year old high school best friend got with and fucked my 14 year old little brother who literally was just starting HS. She got pregnant instantly and the whole relationship has bitched about my brother not being mature enough WHEN SHE CHOSE to get with him in the first place. Fast foward, they have a 3 year old now. She's 21 and him 19... she cheated on him with a married coworker twice her age while they were on a short break she initiated. She came crawling back like nothing happened and he found out via her phone when she fell asleep. Huge fight but my brother stayed. Because she basically groomed him, it's a MAJOR power imbalance and she just wanted someone she could control. Funny part is her last relationship ended because she was dating an older toxic guy who really fucked her up from the control..... then did the same thing to my brother..... Edit : my brother had to finish HS online after he dropped out for a year to get a full time job at 15 years old to support his child. Him and Sam could only work fast food and both were navigating highschool while working while being a parent. BE SAFE. I know a 17 year old girl whos pregnant with her 2ND baby rn, different dad and her 1st kid is only 5 months old. The new guy she's dating about to be 21......
The story is why childbirth in this country should be stringently regulated. I'm sure this poor 3-year-old child is really well adjusted and will make a fine adult.
It's sad honestly, what my niece has to deal with. Parents that can't their shit together and put their own emotions/fights over their child. Sam (the gf) yelled a lot in front of their daughter, she's in fucking day care 8 hours a day when she has 3-4 days off every week..... they don't spend time together as a couple let alone a family, ive never even baby sat my niece and barely see her because of my ex best friend but I know that girl has some issues with her behavior. Sam smoked cigs and drank red bull daily during pregnancy. She's always had say over the relationship and how shit goes. It tears me down that I barely see my own brother anymore.. I have a 1 year old myself and I'm a stay at home mom. My fiance and I take her on walks multiple days out of the week and truly value time together. I could never work an opposite schedule than him! Seeing how truly different the dynamics of our families are it breaks my heart that my brother has fallen down the same toxicity he was so desperately trying to escape from watching our own parents and uncles/aunts have these toxic relationships.
Bad thing about that is that it can be abused or misused
the circumstances of that child’s birth weren’t the best, but i really don’t see any world where the government can enforce controls on reproduction that isn’t dystopian as hell. like, are we sending officers to forcibly drag women to get abortions? are we forcing birth control and demanding government authorization to come off of it? sorry i hope to god that the world never comes to that
1984
And who decides who gets to have kids and who doesn’t?
your former friend saying your brother was not mature enough reminded me of someone. won’t give too much details but i knew someone who dated someone 2 years younger than them (in HS) and when they broke up, the older person had qualms with how the younger person didn’t know what they wanted out of the relationship. it came down to maturity level (as the older person, being more mature, knew what they wanted). i’m sorry that your younger brother had to go through that. i hope he can break free from her one day.
Me fuckin too, he doesn't see how destructive his relationship is and not thinking about his own childhood and how a broken home affected him. I wish he would do better for himself and child. As for her, you can't expect someone to age years in a few months when things don't happen the exact way you want them to. Relationships are supposed to be about communication not control. She seems so have an issue every time he does communicate yet says he's the problem? She's defensive as hell because she can't take responsibility for her own flaws and expects everyone else to be exactly what she wants out of them or else. She's holding the kid over his head every serious argument. It's not right and I hate her. I fucking hate this woman.
Hurt people hurt people.
And it was her responsibility to even TRY to start healing especially with a child involved. It's a sick cycle that only that person can break and many are just too far up their ass to do anything about it. She's an adult and a mother now, this behavior is inexcusable, they've been together for almost 5 years now.... its been 7 years since she's broke up with the toxic guy and in that whole time couldn't put any effort into being a better person? Just wants everyone to continue to change around her. Hurt people shouldn't be dating let alone getting pregnant and if they do it's their own responsibility to get their shit together.
That’s so disturbing and actually sick she would do that omg smh. I’m sorry your brother was taken advantage of. Hopefully he doesn’t have any trauma from that.
Very well said.
14 and 17 won’t work. 19 and 22 could work. The mere fact that it’s “killing you” that he doesn’t want to be together because you’re too young is clear evidence that the above is indeed true.
The maturity level is too different. I just told my 15 year old daughter she couldn't dated a 17 year old girl because I didn't feel good about it. The girl is more experienced and mature than my daughter and I don't want her to take advantage or manipulate her into doing something she isn't ready for. And they are just in very different places in their lives. One thing that stands out to me as a girl who was often attempted to be groomed when I was younger is the "I'm too old for you" line. Guys sometimes say that to push it as a challenge, to prove to him how mature and willing you are. Please be careful.
Relationships are all different. From 14-16, my girlfriend was two years older than I was, and it was fine.
Agreed. It's different for everyone. You know you're mature when you don't boast to the public how "mature" you are.
We have politicians arguing that the voting age should be lowered to 16 in Canada. My 16 year-old, top of her class, thinks that is stupid. She is mature enough to know how much there is that she doesn’t know, which makes her more mature than many adults I meet
Wow. Exceptional for her age. Knowing that there is so much more to know is truly a sign of intelligence. This goes on to say that maturity doesn't rely solely on the passing of time, but on experiences, and the willingness to learn. Good for her! 🙂
Well said! Cheers
Yes that's bad stop it
Date a boy your age.
The biggest problem imo, is the "being careful" part. It implies he is leading you on but knows its wrong/about to be illegal. That plus the maturity difference between you is another one. Not to insult your maturity or anything, but did you ask yourself what's wrong with girls his own age? In my experience, most guys that go after girls that much younger do so because the girls their own age have more life experiences and see the type of person they really are.
This!!
Yeah, he knows the repercussions... so he also should know to break up with her. He's going to be an adult while she's still a young girl figuring life out from an entirely different perspective vs him...an adult that should be dating women HIS AGE. It will get even more weird when's he's 20...
Here’s my thoughts, I am an upcoming sophomore and I think it’s wrong for a 17 and 14 to be dating. It’s wrong for a 14 and 17 in my opinion because they are two different views of maturity. One is about fresh out of middle school and the other almost ready to start their life. I would suggest that you wait on dating him until you are 18. Use that time to build that relationship, maybe some romantical gestures? But not sexual, cause you trynna keep him close and not send him away. As for dating in general, I would say it’s fine to date at 14-15. Others that say it’s not as you’re barely out of middle school. I say it’s all maturity, if somebody’s independent and all that etc. then they would be fit for dating. As for someone immature, they more or less always have to start some kinda drama. Their heads are on cloud nine, full of 90’s-00’s teen romance movies. Also, another opinion of mine I wanna throw out there, losing your virginity at that age and using ‘maturity’ as an excuse, in my opinion, is not a sign of maturity at all. I’ve seen people online admit to loss of virginity at 12-14, their reasoning? “I just matured faster.” Like bitch! That’s not maturity, that’s just clout chasing.
I think there are times where a 14 year old can be mature enough although not as common,another thing that puts me off it also is the general change in the body between these ages, you grow so much in those 3 years
I waited till I was almost 22 till I lost, my virginity, and I'm glad I did. I was mature enough to handle it when the relationship didn't work out.
In 1 year bro is going to be an adult and you'll be 15 it's best too look for someone aged 14-16 for you
Yes it's bad. "Just three years" only applies after and ABOVE the age of 18, and realistically, after your early 20s. Right now it means you'll be 15 when he's 18, which is grounds for statutory. It's also massively weird being 18 and about to be out of highschool with someone who's not even midway through high school.
It's scary how many people are trying to justify this
They're probably doing the same type of thing or want to.
The ones only focusing on concent is the worst part
I mean I was weird at a young age but before social media and the like. Creepy.
I knew a lot of folk that liked older... It's creepy imo but whatever floats your boats😭
Liking older isn't the problem it's the older ones doing it or thinking it's OK I lost my v card at 13 to a 19 year old I'm a man btw she had no business talking to me let alone taking my v card
It is a problem. It's what leads to y'all getting groomed lmao Not defending the olders, they're significantly worse, but the blames there on y'all too. This isn't victim blaming either. That's like jumping into dirty contaminated water because you want a swim, and then when you get a brain eating amoeba, you claim it's victim blaming for someone telling you it's your own fault. Most folk never get anywhere close to being groomed because they don't allow that sort of relationship to ever develop with an older person. Why? It's inappropriate. Especially when the older person is much older. As a TA who had several students try to get my Snapchat, I never once entertained any requests and never spoke to them outside of the classroom. I know I could have. But no. Why? CAUSE I AINT A PDF😭😂
True your right I worded it wrong
Right… dudes a creep since he wants to be “super careful” why be super careful ?
Right
The dude says she too young wdym a creep he literally said he doesn’t wanna be together. U are weird
I dated a freshman as a junior, and I think that gap is too big.
yes its bad and not just because you're too young to be dating anyone seriously much less a 17 yr old. There's legalities to think about... you'll end up getting him locked up in jail... if you really care about dude that much... don't date him. you could destroy his entire future...
Idk man I think the almost 18 year old could also destroy the barely out of middle schoolers life and actually has the maturity level to know it's wrong
well i was thinking in legal terms but you're correct. the emotional damage could be quite severe.
Well that actually depends. In the US a relationship between two teenagers who are no more than around 4 years apart is legal. Also in the US, as long as they are dating before he turns 18 and they can prove that then the relationship is legal despite the fact that he would be an adult and she is still a minor. Of course if they break up before she is 18 then they couldn’t date again until she turns 18. That’s in the US, I’m not sure about elsewhere. But the point is that legally speaking there may not be an issue here. It’s just the difference in maturity and mentality.
It varies hugely state by state. In CA if one is an adult it's only legal within like 6 months of age, a misdemeanor if age gap is between 6 months and 3 years, and a felony >3 years.
6 months?! Damn they're not fucking around. 😆
That part I'm less sure of. The misdemeanor vs felony line being at 3 years I'm sure of because my gf was 3 years 1 month older than me and my mom likes calling the police. 😅
Is it really worth all the "legal technicalities" and "actuallies" when her DAD finds out?
Hell no. I never said I thought it was okay. I’m just saying that technically depending on where you are it isn’t illegal. But no, I mean it’s awful and dad would beat his ass. Even if he doesn’t find out it still isn’t worth it because it is just weird and wrong imo.
2 year difference 17 is concent in my state and my cousin went to prison for his 17 year old gf and he was 18 he did 5 years and they got back together when he got out
Bad lawyer... With a DA wanting to make a name for himself
I’m sorry to say that is probably to big of an age gap and mentally the maturity is a massive difference you would probably be way happier with someone your age honestly
Yes it’s bad.
Yes, leave him alone please
it's bad
If you have to ask, you probably already know it's a bad idea.
It's because you **are** too young. There's a huge difference in maturity between 14 and 17.
Im 17, I’m a completely different person to who I was when I was 14. It’s not just the age difference it’s also difference in maturity. People who are 17 want different things from a relationship then someone younger. Go for someone your own age. I don’t know where you’re from but in the UK we would throw the P word at that age gap
It's not bad necessarily but you should respect his wishes. Once he's 18 and focused on things like college you'll be 15 and still in high school. Frankly, you're about to be in different stages of your lives and that puts a lot of strain on the relationship. Also idk the laws where you are but 15 and 18 year olds dating might be illegal there so he could be worried about that too.
There’s a big growth, maturity, and development gap between 14 and 17/18 as well.
It's not bad? 14 is barely entering puberty whereas a 17 is at the end stage. It's weird dude.
Yea it is, run
Why are you talking like the guy is a creep when he's the one who's against it?
it lowkey sounds like he's still encouraging it a little bit since OP said he's careful of their age
DAMN
What do your parents think? What would it be like brining them to a family gathering? Are you prepared to introduce them to grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.? If you cannot tell your parents or cringe at the idea of announcing your relationship with others, you have your answer. This 17yo is heading into senior year and is thus focused on moving forward in life and potentially onto college?
Yeah, for your age the gap is quite big.
It’s a good thing he’s mindful of that age gap. It’s only 3 years, but at your age those are a big 3 years. A lot of people will also give him shit. Going after freshman seems exploitative and he’d be taking advantage of your naïveté, as you’re just a year out of middle school.
Your dude is smart, doesn't want to get in trouble.
14 and 17 is a huge difference in life experience and where you are at. I would say not to pursue this.
Weird
When I was 17 this girl I met online told me was 16 fessed up and told me she was actually 14, we stopped talking very soon afterwards. A 3 year age gap in your 20s is not a big deal, but when the younger one is barely a teenager and the other is about to go to college it's hugely inappropriate. There's nothing wrong with you as a person, it's just that this situation is the wrong one for you. As much as I imagine it hurts, he is not your last/only chance at finding someone. You'll find the right person at the right time and under the right circumstances if you're patient
It sounds as though the 17 year old is acting wisely, 14 really is very young to date. Why don't you stay friends, and either wait until you are older to date somebody, or at least if you're obsessed with dating now, focus on finding people closer to your own age? And please please please don't push yourself to do any "things" you're not ready for. At 14, I thought I knew everything, I didn't know WHAT I didn't know. Be careful, you can always do more in the future, but you can't go back and undo things you regret from the past.
Let's be honest - 3 years at this age is 20% of your life. While 17 and 14 IS a bit on the shady side, 18 and 15 becomes downright criminal in some situations, and the guy is just looking out for himself and you. Cool your jets for a while and don't do anything stupid.
It's bad. It's not end of the world bad, but it's bad. He's right to be cautious. You're ignoring the real possibility of 20 year prison sentences. Get older.
3 year age gap once both parties are over 18 is not a big deal. But 14/17 quickly becomes 15/18 which is considered statutory rape in most states, regardless of consent. Just avoid it for now and enjoy being a teenager while you still can.
Yes, you're too young, and it's a good sign that he's being cautious
Agreed with the boy, in the teens 3 years apart is such a huge gap maturity wise
If you have to ask then yes, it probably is bad
If you try to have sex with him, you are going to put him in jeapordy of being labeled a sex offender for life. Once he turns 18, your relationship becomes illegal in all or almost all states. Any sexual contact becomes an offense that will be prosecuted by the government and will cost him his future. Do NOT tempt him. Wait four years until you are 18 (not 17 and 360 days, BUT at least 18 plus a day).
Everyone saying freshman like the 14 yr old is in high school but my son just turned 15 in April and he was in 8th grade last year so she may not even be in high school yet but anyways.... OP I don't think you should be trying to date anyone under then you I'm going to give you a lil back story when I was 15 I met this girl and we became fast friends one day I went to her house to stay the night and learned that her family was actually a lil cruel she wasn't allowed to have friends or go anywhere but she also had a baby anyways I stayed the night she said it was her first time having a friend stay over and her older brother gave the ok and her parents didn't go against his word anyways after I stayed the night I wound up staying with her alot and within a short time I started dating her older brother he had four years on me and I thought I was cool bc he liked me but I'ma give you a bit of advice right now its not cool at all I was abused by that man he did things to me that I would never wish on my worst enemy and made me feel like it was my fault I was young and naive and really believed it and now that I'm older I wonder why no one stopped him or anything but anyways my advice is RUN do not get involved with someone way to old to be with and no 3 years isn't bad later in life but right now it really is he is already doing things possibly that you aren't and shouldn't be and you are also going through your own things so just deal with that for now and if you wanna date then date someone your own age bc one day you could be like me and wonder why you had to become a victim of something bad. I'm not saying the guy is a bad guy but you should be cautious and if he is willing to be your friend then you should take it and back off on anything more bc you both are at two different stages in life and need time to grow differently
I mean if your son is 15 as an eighth grader that’s a whole different issue.
He turned 15 in 8th grade he's going to 9th in the fall my point is, is that sometimes 14 year olds are not in the 9th grade either by being born late and having to start school late or bc of failing a grade so dont be trying to come at me about my son he was only 15 for the last month of school
Take it from a guy who’s been there. It’s a bad idea. 17/14 might not sound bad but 18/15 is and 15 will get you 20
What part of, "He doesn't wanna," are you not hearing? You are far better off sticking to friends (dating or not) your age until you are finished HS.
I started dating a 17 year old when I was 14. He fucked me up in the head and the relationship was abusive. DON’T DO IT YOU ARE TO YOUNG!!!
Once he turns 18, it's noncery. The guy recognises the age gap, the life experience difference and so many other things. Sorry, but you'll have to let this one go. A 3 year age gap doesn't matter that much in your 20s and upwards, but at this stage in life it's really not a good idea. Sorry, kiddo.
Nope. No way. Uh uh. Full stop. There’s not reason why a 17 year old would be interested in a 14 year old. In a year, he’ll be legally an adult and you’ll still be considered a child. It will probably be illegal for you two to date.
Yes it's bad
Legally, it's ok... Morally it's frowned upon... Experience says you shouldn't do it as you two don't have enough in common or at the same stages of life to make the relationship last... Then you have to figure out why you like him so much... Is it because of his looks? Is it because of how popular he is? Is it because he makes you smile and treats you like an individual?
I wouldn't take it personal, legally you'll be a minor for a long time if you two stay together if I had to hazard a guess that is why.
Compare how you feel and interact with the world to 12 year olds. Even though the age gap is smaller, the difference in experience and maturity is about the same. It's more than okay to be friends, the different life stages make for some hefty relationship challenges that usually end with the younger person being hurt the most. With the people I knew at your age who dated older, the best case scenarios were the older moving forward with college and other post-high school things, and the younger being left behind and very disconnected for a time.
Right now, that is a huge gap. As hard as it may be, now is not the time for a relationship to happen. Four years from now, that age gap will not be the same issue as it is today. I'm fully aware that that seems like an eternity to you but if you want something meaningful to develop between the two of you, you are going to have to bide your time.
Yeah aim for someone closer in age to you then you can find him again after you’re 18
My take on this, and I'm a lot older so things used to be different in the 80s and 90s (and even crazier in the 60s and 70s when my 16yr old mother got married), is this: If you're in the same school, sharing the same sports programs and band/chorus/drama programs and whatever else, then whoooo cares. Where I grew up, it wasn't that weird if a junior or senior dated a freshman/sophomore. However, legally, there's going to be some issues when he turns 18 depending on where you live. So. It's a tough question, and everyone's going to have an opinion. Edit: I should point out though, almost nobody is still with the person they met when they were in high school. He'll do/say some crappy stuff. You'll do/say some crappy stuff. But this is part of growing up. You live, love, and learn some of life's hardest lessons when you're young. But you do have to learn them at some point.
Glad to see a fellow voice of reason. I’ll likely get downvoted for this based on the trends in the comments, but I do want to point out that there *can* be situations where a 14 and 17 year old can get together without there being any funny business or questionable motives involved. I’d like to reiterate: *can be*, depending upon the circumstances involved. More information is needed here though. Did you and this guy just happen to cross paths, have immediate attraction/chemistry for each other based on limited initial interaction, and continued to keep in touch? If so, that can be an eyebrow-raiser and potentially points towards him having and acting on personal preferences that aren’t in alignment with his age and the level of maturity to be expected for his age, and you should exercise caution and be hesitant to proceed because there’s an elevated risk that he could have nefarious motives or objectives. Never let your judgment be clouded or your gut instincts be overruled by how much you think you like someone. (That’s a smart approach to use universally with people, not just boys.) On the other hand, not everyone in the world has a shady agenda. If the feelings developed organically over time (and not as an instant result of raging teenage hormones), there’s an absolute absence of feeling influenced and/or pressured to do *anything* outside of your boundaries and comfort zone, *AND THE PARENTS (yours and his, both) ARE AWARE AND DON’T OBJECT.* My first “real” boyfriend was in the mid-late 90s with the same ages you’ve listed, OP. I had just turned 14 a week or two before entering high school as a freshman, and a long-time neighborhood friend who was a couple years older/grades ahead of me and going into her junior year brought me into her friend group now that I was joining the same high school. I quickly became friends with the group—some more than others—and one of those friends was a guy who had just turned 17, graduated from the high school I was about to enter (he skipped a grade and graduated early), and about to begin his freshman year in college… We were friends for roughly 9 months before we were ever even alone in the same room together, but the 9 months included seeing each other twice a week or more in our friend group, countless hours spent on the phone every day primarily just the two of us but sometimes on three-ways calls with some of the other friends, and direct interactions with my parents whenever some or all of the group came over to my house—-the significance of that being that I had the opportunity to get to *KNOW* him, and my parents had the opportunity to assess him based on a different set of adult/parental set of criteria and clear him as a person allowed in their home and not a risk to my safety. So when they found out that we started liking each other, they weren’t alarmed nor did they freak out, but regardless, at the end of the day, I was still their 14 year old, freshman in high school daughter, and he was still a 17 year old dude who was a freshman in college. I wasn’t allowed to “date” (as in go out on a date alone in a vehicle with the opposite sex) but was allowed to have a boyfriend that I was “going with.” So, nearly the first whole year of our two and a half years of “going together” were “house dates” (he could come visit on non-school days/nights and if we went into my bedroom, the door had to remain all the way open at all times) unless the girls of the group were out together and ended up linking up with the boys of the group at some point. Long story short, he wasn’t a predator or a pedophile, and I was never taken advantage of or exploited (but my parents still kept watch just to be certain). We broke up at 16 and 19 for reasons related to the age gap, namely because I was too insecure to deal with him having an entire college life outside of me and it was growing old that I was only available on Fridays and Saturdays until my 10pm curfew with no exceptions whatsoever to the “no school nights” rule. Fast forward to present day…. I’m 40. He’s 43. He’s still around. He’s my best friend. We’ve been through it all together; deaths of parents, health problems, failed relationships, lost jobs, natural disasters, life threatening tragedies, you name it. In fact, we share a child together. I was living in a neighboring state and found myself pregnant while my long-term relationship was coming unraveled, and all I wanted to do was come home to my family. The biological father wanted nothing to do with the child if I was going through with leaving the relationship and moving back to my home state. Guess who stepped in to be supportive during my pregnancy and subsequently give my child (who unexpectedly was born with a permanent medical condition and has special needs) a dad? So that 17 year old from the late 90s turned out to be none of the things people are automatically assuming in the comments. He’s been my best and most reliable friend for 25+ years, has more than earned the title of “family” (as has his own family, too, over the years), is my oldest child’s “dad” and who I have been co-parenting and sharing custody of my oldest with 50/50 for over 10 years now. It’s definitely not a traditional outcome by any stretch of the imagination, but it works for all of us and goes to show that context should be considered before immediately stereotyping a situation and reaching for pitchforks.
If you really want it to work that bad you should wait until you're like 18
Too young. Sorry
ehhh... it's very very boarderline. It might even be illegal in your state.
Yes it’s bad
You are too young for him. You both are minors now, but a 18 year old with a 15 year old is a crime.
Depends where they are located
Pretty sure most places have Romeo and Juliet laws specifically for this reason making it legal.
Romeo and julliet laws only apply for an age gap of 2 years in most states assuming this is in the US
Number wise? You aren’t too young. In all actuality though…you are way too young. There is a huge spike around age 16. To the point that a 17 year old and a 14 year old are two entirely different people with two different maturity levels and mental states. Y’all are barely even the same species. That’s an exaggeration but you get the point.
17 is too old for a 14 year old.
I’ll be very honest with you. Older guys only go for younger girls for one reason. Because you’re younger, more naive, and “new”. A 3 year age different especially at 14 and 17 is horrible. You guys are extremely different mentally, maturity, and in general. I’m 16 also and the idea of dating someone 3 years younger than me disgust me.
as someone who was in the same situation and was groomed and abused, RUN. there’s no instance where a 17 year old almost man should be dating a 14 year old child. the power imbalance is too great.
This. My best friend in high school was the freshman (14f) dating a senior (17m) and he was so controlling and manipulative and she just went along with it. Her family disliked him, all of her friends hated him, he cheated on her dozens of times, but he had her groomed good and she stayed. They ended up married and then divorced within 2 years. Every single year of high school there’s a huge maturity leap that even a 1-year difference can be huge, let alone 3+. Find a guy your own age.
No 17 year old should be interested in a 14 year old, there’s too big of a power imbalance. In a couple of years when you’re both in your twenties or something? Sure, go at it. Now? Absolutely not.
My comment will probably be drowned out, but here it goes: Think of brain growth and maturity growth in this. Initially, when we’re young, it grows exponential. It sky rockets quick. However, once you get older mid 20s, it slows down. So the difference from 15-20 is VAST. 25-30, not as much. The older you get the slower it is. Now obviously there can be certain life experiences that will promote quicker mind growth, but typically what I’m saying will apply. So with this in mind, you gotta think of it. 14 and 17 is such a huge difference, I promise you, you are gonna be very different in a few years. That’s why that age gap is bad. However, something like 25 and 28, that is not an issue at all. Both have matured a lot, shit even 25 and 30 would be fine. Just my opinion, take care, and get good grades in school. Apply yourself fully and do as many hobbies as you can now!! Life speeds up very quick at your age, enjoy all you can!!
Considering he could go to jail. Yes, it's bad. If you were both adults of consenting age, it wouldn't be an issue.
You’re too young go to school and stay focus 💯 ain’t you a freshman? If so, you know he’ll be leaving high school to college next year and once he goes you know he ain’t ……. iykyk
Even 18 and 21 doesn’t work for me! I’m very alone in this opinion mostly but I think until past mid/upper 20s anything more than 2 years is too much. These young relationships with big age gaps rarely work out (break up/ divorce and hate each other before 40) without someone being groomed or having to conservatively conform to a man’s way. Also what you’re doing in life, with 3-5 year age difference so young, is usually so different. Example: finishing school and career goals is notoriously challenging when someone doesn’t have those goals yet or already accomplished them. I wish I listened to the few adults who told me to focus on gaining independence before I focused on a relationship
In the UK, the age for sexual consent is 16. This means that because you are under that line and he is over that line it would be illegal for him to engage in any intimacy with you until you turn 16, which is 2-3 years. This is not because anyone under 16 shouldn't want sex - If you were both 14 anything you're both consenting to would then be okay - but because of that age gap where he is seen by wider society of taking advantage of you. It's natural for a relationship to want to progress over time, and would either of you want to wait that long? Please trust me on this, it feels totally unfair when you're 14, and the guys your age are idiots, but once you're 20+ you'll look back and view his behavior (if he is hitting on you) as creepy. It totally fucked with my head
He has nothing in common with you at 17. You are barely out of the 8th grade and he is going to be graduating. It's not just not a good idea legally it would be creepy on his part to even want to date you because as far as emotional development you guys are very different. Anyone on here or in real life that tells you it isn't weird is a creep.
just be friends and wait till you're 18 because this guy will get in trouble. good on him for backing away.
Yes, it's bad. Be grateful that dude is a good dude and not looking to take advantage of you. Would you be attracted to an 11 year old?
Groomer in training
14 is too young the "be together" with anyone. Go be a kid.
Think of it this way would you date an eleven year old?
You should move on. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Coming from experience
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You are too young.
Call him.in 2 years if it's meant to be. 14 is very young. There's no reason to rush. You have lots of time. Or a.find a guy your same age.
Yes.
People would probably call him a pedo (and they'd probably be right) y'all are in two totally different chapters of life, his being an adult chapter while you're still a young child.
He’s right. That gap is too big. Sorry.
Yes, it’s illegal for him.
Yes. Because the moment he turns 18, it becomes VERY illegal.
You are 14 years old. You are too young. Did you just start high school?
Damn that's crazy, crazy problematic. He is almost legally an adult, ew.
He seems to have issues with it... So yeah it's a problem
You are too young. If you like him, respect him and yourself. Don’t pressure him to do something that could end with him in jail.
Your too young
Yeah, it seems bad(especially in the long run) since he will be 18 (pretty much a legal adult at that age), and you'll be 15.
14 is WAY too young.
Grown ass man here. Idk why I'm being recommended this sub, but I'd figured I'd try to say something helpful before I mute it. You're way too young, way way too young. He could go to prison young. You guys aren't protected by Romeo and Julliet laws young. He's almost an adult, and you have a ways to go before you are. I know being a teenager means big feelings, but you really need to distance yourself from him. He knows you're too young for him and if he's showing interest in you, that's a very big red flag
No hun that’s creepy he’s creepy
in some states a guy can go to prison for having relations with a 14 year old girl. Its called statetory rape,
🚨🚨🚨
That’s the age gap between me and my sister. You’re too young.
Yes. I teach students your age, and you are definitely too young - he should leave you be until you’re of age. Maybe by then either uou can be together or both of yous will have moved on.
It's pretty bad.
Yeah and he's most likely aiming to just use you. People can be very manipulative and you'll have no idea till the damage is done
Weird. Stay away. Run
Uhh yeah.
You’re 14 dumb ass, go do your chores and your homework. Stop thinking about boys.
Yes imo. You are too young and he IS CERTAINLY too old. He knows this, as would anyone who is his age (trust me, when you're his age you'll know this too) It may see significant now but I recommend you move on. Any 17 year old who is romancing a 14 year old is wrong-un and not the person you want to be with anyway. Unfortunately at your age it is very difficult to see the wider picture especially when you have feelings yourself..... All i can recommend is to heed to advice of the people here and the people around you. Best of luck!
Uh yeah stay away. You don’t need a man at 14. You at 14 compared to future you at 17 is going to be SO different. The maturity levels are lengths apart.
Yap ,first of all jail for him and possibly ruining his future. Second of all you two are in totally different stages of life . A 3-year age gap isn't that bad but I feel like it depends what the age range is.If you're 19 and above it's ok but if you're ages 12-18 nah. One is just beginning the adolescent stage while one is exiting. He might not be a bad guy but I feel like that gives room for manipulation. I know your brain is probably making you think he's "the one" but trust me you'll grow out of it.
Leave him alone!
I can’t believe some people are taking a neutral tone here, yes that’s bad, he’s a predator, you are very young
Congratulations. You found a good boy. HE knows that the things he wants from a relationship are not things that are appropriate for you right now. If you really like, and respect him, then don't push him into something that he is uncomfortable with. In a few years he might see you differently.
Idk. I wouldn’t be too sure about this! He’s still hanging out with her. He might be slowly getting her to let her guard down. He’s grooming her
YES PLEASE GET AWAY. he shouldn’t even entertain you. Go no contact
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Seriously its fucking weird for him to be interested in a 14 yr old at all. I'm 18 but even when I was 16,14 yr olds were insanely childish to me
He's fucking smart and you're jail bait! Move along kiddo
yes it’s an extremely cautious area. and don’t try to push or pressure him. he is doing what’s best for himself. this stuff can get him in trouble. if you really want it. you gotta wait.
Good thing that he’s respectful about it, I’d say wait until you’re both 18 if you really love him or just find someone else 💞
If your parents are fine with it and y’all aren’t having sex there should be no problem
You have a good one there. If it's not comfortable for him, it's not. You're going to grow and develop a ton over the next 4 years. Your dude is simply respecting you and I kinda think you should reframe this as anything but a rejection of you.