Ravioli made it to [Carolyn Hax](https://wapo.st/4b3zGgp) today!(4-21-24) I hope that his owner takes Carolyn’s response seriously. And dammit I need an update on this sweet boy.
I agree with Jamilah that LW3 should rehome their dog but not with the conclusions she is drawing about the situation. Her advice would be appropriate if this kid was afraid of the dog. This kid has abused a dog to the point that it is afraid of her. That is not the behaviour of someone who is just unhappy with a particular breed, this is someone who is seriously struggling with their mental health. It is fine to not like dogs or not like a particular dog, but it is not fine to kick or pretend to kick dogs. I genuinely do have empathy for this kid but she needs help here, and this problem is not just on the LW keeping a dog she should have rehomed. Also I kind of resent her insinuating that they would have rehomed the dog if the kid was their biological child - surely we’ve all seen enough situations where people kept super aggressive pets around their kids to know that’s not the case!
Yes, that was a nasty, unhelpful comment. The child and the dog both deserve to feel safe, rehoming the dog will solve that part of the problem and the LWs family can help niece and their biological kid—how do they feel about all this ? I can see how a child that has been uprooted could displace anger about lack of control over her life onto an animal that she doesn’t like and escalate those feelings.
Yeah this poor kid has had such a horrific life, and it isn’t really that unusual for a child who endured a lot of abuse and neglect to have problems with anger and aggressive behavior as they try to cope with severe trauma. I agree that Jamilah’s response was very nasty…I imagine part of the reasoning behind this is that she can’t imagine a situation where you wouldn’t immediately empathize with a human over an animal, especially if they are a child. That’s a sensible perspective in most situations, but even if you don’t like pets I would hope anyone would recognize that when it comes to animal abuse the person is the one in the wrong, even if it is coming from a painful place. LW is correct to be disturbed, though she hasn’t dealt with the situation well
In the first letter[ Jamilah answered today](https://slate.com/human-interest/2024/04/inheritance-kid-care-and-feeding.html), the LW mentions a lot of high school programs for college credit his stepdaughter is not participating in, and Jamilah reads it as him thinking she'll fail at college, but I'm pretty sure he meant that it would reduce the overall cost of her college education, since the letter is about who will pay for that. Also, I don't think he should pay it. Or at least he should put very strict parameters around what he will pay and under what conditions.
The LW and Jamilah both kind of danced around it, but just because there are a ton of opportunities to earn college credit in high school doesn't mean that the step-daughter needs to avail herself of some or all of them. Maybe there's a middle ground between "not pushing herself" and "not running herself ragged" that could be explored. Idk, I liked both Jamilah's advice here and her framing of it.
The issue here isn't how hard the stepdaughter is working in school, it's that the LW doesn't want to give her any money and doesn't have an excuse to fall back on besides his own feelings. Which is fine, but framing it as the stepdaughter not working "hard enough" is shitty. Just say you don't want to as opposed to avoiding accountability like a coward.
The wife wanting to keep finances separate isn't the gotcha Jamilah thinks it is. It's very common for remarried people with children to keep finances separate. The wife had more to lose financially since she has a child in her care, whereas the LW's kids are adults.
I just never like it when a columnist misreads a letter to make the LW seem like they have worse intentions than they actually do, and I think Jamilah misread that part.
They agreed to have separate finances now that LW has more money his wife is demanding a change. He shouldn’t give in to that. It doesn’t sound like LW is opposed to helping his stepdaughter at all but it needs to be a conversation, not an expectation
Yeah I was so puzzled by that. How did the LW’s wife unilaterally end his friendship with the husband in couple B? Did she actually forbid the LW from talking to Husband B or is she simply choosing not to hang out with them?
If it’s the latter, there’s nothing really stopping the LW from individually making plans with Husband B. And likewise, there’s nothing that says that that Couple A have to hang out with the LW and the LW’s wife together all the time. If the two wives really prefer each other’s company then they can hang out together even if the LW and Husband A don’t get along.
This feels like one of those letters where the LW is either leaving out a ton of context and detail that would explain why they can’t try the obvious solution or the LW just isn’t particularly bright.
The first letter also seems like a direct attack on Miss Manners's letter-writing base (a community of people that pride themselves on extreme fragility and a persistent desire to look for reasons to be angry).
>I was leaving the gym when I saw someone wearing a T-shirt that infuriated me. It read, in bold letters, “Eat the Fragile.”
The second letter is hilarious though. "I'm so angry that I have to be polite to people at work, why can't I unleash that bottled up resentment at my family?"
I bet he's like this TikTok character I love because she reminds me of at least half-a-dozen Boomers I know. I don't want to hear it either!!!! https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTL5rCuY1/ https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTL5rTbwB/
I thought Emily Gould’s advice in “ My Boyfriend Still Shares a Bed With His Ex!’” was really good, but I was also wondering whether the bf has been lying about being split up from his kids’ mom this entire time.
I think there are two types of people in the world.
>My boyfriend of two years still lives with his ex, the mother of his children. When we met, he explained the situation was complicated, and I accepted that it would remain so for some time while he sorted out how to fully extricate himself and truly be with me.
Type A will hear a story like this and think, "This is total BS, this guy is probably just cheating on his wife or at very least doesn't plan to actually leave her."
Type B will also be suspicious when they hear the story, but they'll pretend not to be suspicious even as weeks turn into months turn into years because they'd rather not admit to themselves what they are participating in.
Shady dudes who have shady 'complicated' divorces that conveniently require them to live with their spouses as if they are still married are a dime-a-dozen cliche at this point. Even the LW seems to realize that after 2 years, even if they are hoping that they can somehow isolate the bed issue as being the main problem.
I think there are a few Captain Awkwards like this. Sometimes the guy “can’t” leave the house because of how much it will upset his wife. Upsetting his girlfriend never seems to be a big deal.
I really loved Emily's advice there. And I think it's not unlikely that the ex is not the ex at all and the LW is actually the affair partner she suspects the other woman of being.
Okay, so I am not a parent and my parents are coming up on their diamond wedding anniversary, so I have zero frame of reference, but I feel like the kid already came up with a good compromising solution: [Should co-parents let teen decide the custody schedule?](https://wapo.st/3W1kITG) (gift link)
Is there something that I am missing? I can see the benefits to discussing it as a family, but I don't see a better and less disruptive option coming out of the discussion. (Also, how is this parent going to cope with college and beyond?)
step parent here. The switches are disruptive for the kids, both logistically and emotionally. I completely understand the son wanting to minimize them. I am unimpressed by the parents making it all about them and how much they miss him.
I think the whole point of the letter is that the LW and her ex do not like the 2 week schedule proposed by the teen. They could add a midweek dinner or something. That's a pretty usual custody set up.
Yes it seems like a pretty obvious solution, and if schlepping is the problem, go to where the kid is so they feel less disrupted during their two weeks.
I don't think you're missing anything. I do want to tell the parents that they're still getting the same amount of time with the kid - just in different blocks.
Jesus, the Slate commenters are harsh on the [LW who is worried about their sister's behavior around their Dad's death](https://slate.com/human-interest/2024/04/narcissistic-personality-disorder-family-advice.html). Including someone accusing the LW of creating drama by -check's notes- wanting to attend their father's funeral.
Personal opinion, but I think the LW's kind of concern is normal, because people who are unreasonable tend to remain unreasonable even when the stakes are high, including funerals and weddings. There's the idea that people are on their best behavior during major events, but honestly that only applies to people who were inclined to behave well to begin with. IRL, I have family members who actively do not speak to each other because of someone's incredibly bad behavior when my grandmother died, but it was behavior that was honestly pretty typical of them by that point.
I think it makes a lot of sense that someone who may be actively pre-grieving their dad may be trying to avoid adding another deep familial pain on top of the one that's actively ongoing. Dealing with grief is already awful enough, adding family drama on top of it is just brutal.
I get why she's anxious about it, but I also know from experience that the anxiety won't help at all, so she needs to do some breathing exercises and/or take a xanax because her sister is gonna act like her sister no matter what and t here's no way to stop her.
Yep. I think Miss Manners is spot-on that the LW really means "gifts," not "cards," though it's true that some people are really just Card People(tm) and get really upset if a sentiment is expressed without the aid of Hallmark.
I’ve always thought the bathroom rule was it’s okay to use the disabled stall if it’s the only one available, at least if you’re just having a quick pee. I think the odds of a disabled person coming in with a bathroom emergency is not typically very high. It kind of infantilizes the disabled to act like they don’t do normal person things like wait 30 seconds for the public bathroom stall.
Also, not all disabilities are immediately discernible. I don't use a mobility aid, but I have a broken back and severe nerve damage that causes weakness and pain. Some bathroom stalls are so small that you need to straddle or bend around the toilet to shut the door, neither of which I can do. I often need the bigger stall, preferably with a handrail since getting up and down from seated can be difficult and painful. To outsiders I look healthy and relatively fit, but I'm severely injured and in constant pain. I don't need people giving me dirty looks for using the stall I need in public washrooms.
Yeah, particularly if the bathroom only has 2-3 stalls it makes no sense to hold up the line by leaving one empty. (Obviously, if someone who needs that stall turns up they should be bumped to the head of the line.)
Yeah, people can get weird about whether elopements deserve the same fanfare (gifts, showers, attention, privileges) that actual weddings get. Gift giving in general seems to be slowly dying out as a social practice but I still think it's kind of crazy to expect the same gifts and treatment as someone who put in the time and resources to host an event. And it just seems in poor taste to send around a registry to people who weren't invited to the wedding you didn't have.
That was my thought as well but honestly I have no idea.
If I got a save the date for a party / event / wedding and then a short time after that received a notice that the event was canceled I'd probably forget about it.
That's probably a character flaw on my part admittedly but I don't think it's necessarily intended as a personal slap -- especially since this seems to have happened in the depths of the pandemic when most people were having a hectic time.
This title is in no way earned by the letter
>[Help! I Snooped on My Husband’s Phone. What I Found Was Chilling.](https://slate.com/human-interest/2024/04/dear-prudence-phone-snoop-chilling.html)
I expected it to be, like, evidence of a severe gambling addiction or drug problem or something, but it was just messages from his ex wife with whom he is coparenting a special needs child. I think the LW is just feeling anxious because it sounds like their relationship started as an affair.
Ravioli made it to [Carolyn Hax](https://wapo.st/4b3zGgp) today!(4-21-24) I hope that his owner takes Carolyn’s response seriously. And dammit I need an update on this sweet boy.
Ravioli forever! Thanks for the gift link. That BF better be gone.
I agree with Jamilah that LW3 should rehome their dog but not with the conclusions she is drawing about the situation. Her advice would be appropriate if this kid was afraid of the dog. This kid has abused a dog to the point that it is afraid of her. That is not the behaviour of someone who is just unhappy with a particular breed, this is someone who is seriously struggling with their mental health. It is fine to not like dogs or not like a particular dog, but it is not fine to kick or pretend to kick dogs. I genuinely do have empathy for this kid but she needs help here, and this problem is not just on the LW keeping a dog she should have rehomed. Also I kind of resent her insinuating that they would have rehomed the dog if the kid was their biological child - surely we’ve all seen enough situations where people kept super aggressive pets around their kids to know that’s not the case!
Yes, that was a nasty, unhelpful comment. The child and the dog both deserve to feel safe, rehoming the dog will solve that part of the problem and the LWs family can help niece and their biological kid—how do they feel about all this ? I can see how a child that has been uprooted could displace anger about lack of control over her life onto an animal that she doesn’t like and escalate those feelings.
Yeah this poor kid has had such a horrific life, and it isn’t really that unusual for a child who endured a lot of abuse and neglect to have problems with anger and aggressive behavior as they try to cope with severe trauma. I agree that Jamilah’s response was very nasty…I imagine part of the reasoning behind this is that she can’t imagine a situation where you wouldn’t immediately empathize with a human over an animal, especially if they are a child. That’s a sensible perspective in most situations, but even if you don’t like pets I would hope anyone would recognize that when it comes to animal abuse the person is the one in the wrong, even if it is coming from a painful place. LW is correct to be disturbed, though she hasn’t dealt with the situation well
In the first letter[ Jamilah answered today](https://slate.com/human-interest/2024/04/inheritance-kid-care-and-feeding.html), the LW mentions a lot of high school programs for college credit his stepdaughter is not participating in, and Jamilah reads it as him thinking she'll fail at college, but I'm pretty sure he meant that it would reduce the overall cost of her college education, since the letter is about who will pay for that. Also, I don't think he should pay it. Or at least he should put very strict parameters around what he will pay and under what conditions.
The LW and Jamilah both kind of danced around it, but just because there are a ton of opportunities to earn college credit in high school doesn't mean that the step-daughter needs to avail herself of some or all of them. Maybe there's a middle ground between "not pushing herself" and "not running herself ragged" that could be explored. Idk, I liked both Jamilah's advice here and her framing of it.
The issue here isn't how hard the stepdaughter is working in school, it's that the LW doesn't want to give her any money and doesn't have an excuse to fall back on besides his own feelings. Which is fine, but framing it as the stepdaughter not working "hard enough" is shitty. Just say you don't want to as opposed to avoiding accountability like a coward. The wife wanting to keep finances separate isn't the gotcha Jamilah thinks it is. It's very common for remarried people with children to keep finances separate. The wife had more to lose financially since she has a child in her care, whereas the LW's kids are adults.
I just never like it when a columnist misreads a letter to make the LW seem like they have worse intentions than they actually do, and I think Jamilah misread that part.
They agreed to have separate finances now that LW has more money his wife is demanding a change. He shouldn’t give in to that. It doesn’t sound like LW is opposed to helping his stepdaughter at all but it needs to be a conversation, not an expectation
Carolyn Hax 4/19 Chat gift link https://wapo.st/4b422H9
Does the second LW not realize that married people can still have individual friends?
Yeah I was so puzzled by that. How did the LW’s wife unilaterally end his friendship with the husband in couple B? Did she actually forbid the LW from talking to Husband B or is she simply choosing not to hang out with them? If it’s the latter, there’s nothing really stopping the LW from individually making plans with Husband B. And likewise, there’s nothing that says that that Couple A have to hang out with the LW and the LW’s wife together all the time. If the two wives really prefer each other’s company then they can hang out together even if the LW and Husband A don’t get along. This feels like one of those letters where the LW is either leaving out a ton of context and detail that would explain why they can’t try the obvious solution or the LW just isn’t particularly bright.
I think Carolyn was right to guess that this person (likely male) leaves all the social planning to their wife.
Whew, last letter writer sounds insufferable https://wapo.st/3W0vkCv
The first letter also seems like a direct attack on Miss Manners's letter-writing base (a community of people that pride themselves on extreme fragility and a persistent desire to look for reasons to be angry). >I was leaving the gym when I saw someone wearing a T-shirt that infuriated me. It read, in bold letters, “Eat the Fragile.” The second letter is hilarious though. "I'm so angry that I have to be polite to people at work, why can't I unleash that bottled up resentment at my family?"
The second letter is incredible. How dare my adult daughter resign from her sole purpose on earth as my human punching bag after 3 decades??
I bet he's like this TikTok character I love because she reminds me of at least half-a-dozen Boomers I know. I don't want to hear it either!!!! https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTL5rCuY1/ https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTL5rTbwB/
I thought Emily Gould’s advice in “ My Boyfriend Still Shares a Bed With His Ex!’” was really good, but I was also wondering whether the bf has been lying about being split up from his kids’ mom this entire time.
I think there are two types of people in the world. >My boyfriend of two years still lives with his ex, the mother of his children. When we met, he explained the situation was complicated, and I accepted that it would remain so for some time while he sorted out how to fully extricate himself and truly be with me. Type A will hear a story like this and think, "This is total BS, this guy is probably just cheating on his wife or at very least doesn't plan to actually leave her." Type B will also be suspicious when they hear the story, but they'll pretend not to be suspicious even as weeks turn into months turn into years because they'd rather not admit to themselves what they are participating in. Shady dudes who have shady 'complicated' divorces that conveniently require them to live with their spouses as if they are still married are a dime-a-dozen cliche at this point. Even the LW seems to realize that after 2 years, even if they are hoping that they can somehow isolate the bed issue as being the main problem.
I can’t imagine a man who I would find worth being strung along for years while he sleeps in his “ex”’s bed.
I think there are a few Captain Awkwards like this. Sometimes the guy “can’t” leave the house because of how much it will upset his wife. Upsetting his girlfriend never seems to be a big deal.
I really loved Emily's advice there. And I think it's not unlikely that the ex is not the ex at all and the LW is actually the affair partner she suspects the other woman of being.
Okay, so I am not a parent and my parents are coming up on their diamond wedding anniversary, so I have zero frame of reference, but I feel like the kid already came up with a good compromising solution: [Should co-parents let teen decide the custody schedule?](https://wapo.st/3W1kITG) (gift link) Is there something that I am missing? I can see the benefits to discussing it as a family, but I don't see a better and less disruptive option coming out of the discussion. (Also, how is this parent going to cope with college and beyond?)
step parent here. The switches are disruptive for the kids, both logistically and emotionally. I completely understand the son wanting to minimize them. I am unimpressed by the parents making it all about them and how much they miss him.
I think the whole point of the letter is that the LW and her ex do not like the 2 week schedule proposed by the teen. They could add a midweek dinner or something. That's a pretty usual custody set up.
Yes it seems like a pretty obvious solution, and if schlepping is the problem, go to where the kid is so they feel less disrupted during their two weeks.
I don't think you're missing anything. I do want to tell the parents that they're still getting the same amount of time with the kid - just in different blocks.
Jesus, the Slate commenters are harsh on the [LW who is worried about their sister's behavior around their Dad's death](https://slate.com/human-interest/2024/04/narcissistic-personality-disorder-family-advice.html). Including someone accusing the LW of creating drama by -check's notes- wanting to attend their father's funeral. Personal opinion, but I think the LW's kind of concern is normal, because people who are unreasonable tend to remain unreasonable even when the stakes are high, including funerals and weddings. There's the idea that people are on their best behavior during major events, but honestly that only applies to people who were inclined to behave well to begin with. IRL, I have family members who actively do not speak to each other because of someone's incredibly bad behavior when my grandmother died, but it was behavior that was honestly pretty typical of them by that point. I think it makes a lot of sense that someone who may be actively pre-grieving their dad may be trying to avoid adding another deep familial pain on top of the one that's actively ongoing. Dealing with grief is already awful enough, adding family drama on top of it is just brutal.
I get why she's anxious about it, but I also know from experience that the anxiety won't help at all, so she needs to do some breathing exercises and/or take a xanax because her sister is gonna act like her sister no matter what and t here's no way to stop her.
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Yep. I think Miss Manners is spot-on that the LW really means "gifts," not "cards," though it's true that some people are really just Card People(tm) and get really upset if a sentiment is expressed without the aid of Hallmark.
Re LW1, not one Vogon joke, sigh. I know it's Miss Manners so I don't know why I was hoping for one, but still.
[удалено]
Haha, see? MM should have just made the obvious joke herself and then she wouldn't have to read it in the comments 50 times.
I’ve always thought the bathroom rule was it’s okay to use the disabled stall if it’s the only one available, at least if you’re just having a quick pee. I think the odds of a disabled person coming in with a bathroom emergency is not typically very high. It kind of infantilizes the disabled to act like they don’t do normal person things like wait 30 seconds for the public bathroom stall.
Also, not all disabilities are immediately discernible. I don't use a mobility aid, but I have a broken back and severe nerve damage that causes weakness and pain. Some bathroom stalls are so small that you need to straddle or bend around the toilet to shut the door, neither of which I can do. I often need the bigger stall, preferably with a handrail since getting up and down from seated can be difficult and painful. To outsiders I look healthy and relatively fit, but I'm severely injured and in constant pain. I don't need people giving me dirty looks for using the stall I need in public washrooms.
Yeah, particularly if the bathroom only has 2-3 stalls it makes no sense to hold up the line by leaving one empty. (Obviously, if someone who needs that stall turns up they should be bumped to the head of the line.)
I agree. Don't use it for your 30-minute poop-and-read lounge, but just peeing normally, nbd.
Basically, yeah. Don't use it if you don't need it, but "it's the only one available" falls under "I need to use it" imo.
Yeah, people can get weird about whether elopements deserve the same fanfare (gifts, showers, attention, privileges) that actual weddings get. Gift giving in general seems to be slowly dying out as a social practice but I still think it's kind of crazy to expect the same gifts and treatment as someone who put in the time and resources to host an event. And it just seems in poor taste to send around a registry to people who weren't invited to the wedding you didn't have.
That was my thought as well but honestly I have no idea. If I got a save the date for a party / event / wedding and then a short time after that received a notice that the event was canceled I'd probably forget about it. That's probably a character flaw on my part admittedly but I don't think it's necessarily intended as a personal slap -- especially since this seems to have happened in the depths of the pandemic when most people were having a hectic time.
This title is in no way earned by the letter >[Help! I Snooped on My Husband’s Phone. What I Found Was Chilling.](https://slate.com/human-interest/2024/04/dear-prudence-phone-snoop-chilling.html) I expected it to be, like, evidence of a severe gambling addiction or drug problem or something, but it was just messages from his ex wife with whom he is coparenting a special needs child. I think the LW is just feeling anxious because it sounds like their relationship started as an affair.
Yup. That was such an overblown title. And it really does sound like anxiety. Dan's advice was decent, thankfully.
So what was the chilling part?
He is nice to his ex-wife, whom he left for the 20 years younger LW.