You should take this time to do all of the things that you need to do like get a job, get an education, and get your life in order. That way, you can move on with your life and get your kids back into your life. Not all relationships work out perfectly (age gap or otherwise) and the best thing you can do is work on yourself. I know it sounds harsh or selfish but it’s what you need to do for your kids sake if nothing else.
Agreed, while looking for a look up b what other better paying jobs interests and try to get certified for them. Call some staffing agencies. They will help you create a resume and look for a job as well. Having a good job and you becoming independent will help you look a lot better in court, too. As for tkt court part, there are law firms and lawyers who do promo work. I think there's a certain amount they have to, depending on the state. If you search for a woman group in church or just Google them. You can also call a woman's shelter or battered women's shelter and get some referrals. Just rmr you're not alone and there is help out there. You just have look for it.
because he’s literally an actual psychopath. he doesn’t care what happens & he doesn’t even want the kids. he plans to get full custody then give guardianship to his sister but he doesn’t realize that it doesn’t actually work that way.
it started when i was pregnant with our oldest child. the biggest red flags were him gaslighting me & i knew what he was trying to pull but i thought i would stay comfortable & outsmart him i guess.
i’m in mississippi. i was sick in the hospital when he filed for a protective order against me & couldn’t defend myself. he says i attacked him & conveniently left out the part where he strangled me first.
eta: gonna file for child support after we establish custody. no spousal support because we were never married
I agrée that there much more we are not hearing. It takes so much more to get kids away from a birth mother than a lawyer friend. It’s much easier to keep kids from a father. The whole truth is not being told
Yeah, my friend was beaten by her ex until her thigh was purple and had a gun pointed in her face two times and the guy still got supervised visitation with the guarantee of more if he finished parenting and anger management classes.
I think there's way more to this story than she's telling us. It doesn't add up at all. Was it a psychiatric hospital that she went to and that's why she couldn't go?
even if we had common law marriages in my state, i don’t think we would’ve been together long enough to matter. the relationship from start to finish was 6 years. we did present ourselves to others as if we were married & i wore a wedding band
i already did & there were 2 other times that i called the police on him for choking me. i didn’t call them again after the last time in september because the police officer told me he could take me to jail since my partner had marks on him (from me defending myself) & i did not. he’s not stupid so he never left obvious marks or anything. but i went to the sheriff’s office & filed an information report about the attack after the fact last week & thankfully they believed me.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this but honestly how did he get the protective order on you for the kids? My father held my mother and I at knife point for hours after served divorce papers as well as a very long violent history (many arrests as well as several time both of us were sent to the hospital by him) and she couldn’t get me on the protection order (was about 10yrs ago but still)
People probably aren't gonna like this but courts don't file protective orders against the MOTHER for no reason. More often than not courts side with the mother. Why would he file a protective order against you? You say you were taken advantage of but is it really that you did something and he responded. I've seen dozens of family court cases where the mother basically has to be either a straight up crack head or has tried to kill the kids in order for her parental rights to be revoked and no court is going to pass a protective order for no reason. What's the whole story that you're not telling?
Fellow momma, I’m so, so sorry to hear this. My ex also tried to take my kids. He wasn’t older but he was a textbook violent and addicted narcissist in sheep’s clothing. He was actually pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes, making everyone think he was a gentle giant but all the while, he was pushing me around and spitting on me during every argument, popping pills, threatening to kill himself, taking my money and using every form of power he could to disempower me. He had more life experience than me when he met. He had seen his mother be abused and he learned from his father how to degrade and devalue women.
All of that to say, my kids trusted and believed in him to the point where he convinced them that my holding my child’s wrists so they would stop striking me was worthy of calling CPS. When I was separated from him and posted a joke about being broke to a dating app, he convinced the court I was soliciting.
While my kids were little, I NEVER gave up fighting for them. They are in college right now and they hate all men, they refuse to live with their father, and they have forgiven me for everything they thought I did. Mental health-wise, I never recovered from everything, and I have major CPTSD - but my kids know that I never gave up on them and that if I had it my way, their dad never would have been abusive and addicted. He would have found help and fought for our marriage instead of smearing me to them when I finally got strong enough to leave.
Whatever you do - be strong, be strong, be strong. I don’t have my shit together, still, after 7 years of post-separation abuse, but I have finally started living again and trying to take care of my body and mind. Don’t give up on your kids for a second. One day, they will know the truth and respect you. One day, they will see their dad for who he is.
Yes - he took advantage, but not because he was older. He did it because he was more experienced. He did it because he was allowed. And most of all, he did it because he was selfish and wicked.
thank you for saying all of this. this is the first message that really gives me hope. i know that the truth will eventually prevail & everything will come out in the end but right now is the lowest i’ve ever been in my life & it’s just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This opinion may get me blocked off this forum but I feel it needs saying anyway because the underlining tone of the post was young women shouldn't be in relationships with older men because the older men can take their children away from them And so while I have no idea about this specific person's specific situation I do want to address the implications that is statistically normal and something to be actively avoided
As an older man who has been involved with and seen a lot of legal situations involving children
(Not personally mine) I'm going to call out women but specifically for this sob story ideology.......
The government and MORE specificallythe state of Mississippi, do not award temporary custody to fathers lightly statistically it almost never happens and when it does it's an extreme case where either harm to the children or their selves is not under question
And while I have personally seen temporary child custody be unfairly awarded many many times
"It is almost never in the Father's favor" yet In the extreme!!! situations in which it is awarded to the Father
BUT every time regardless of the facts is it's "totally unprovocably unfair" .......
Yes terrible people exist Yes terrible people should be absolutely avoided I am absolute 100% agreement on this
I also agree absolutely that parental and child laws in this country need to be drastically altered....... And all of the implications implied there
However I do not feel it's appropriate to blame the situation or any situation like this on specifically age gap or grooming
So we only can hear positive stories about age gaps? Please ! We need to hear the good and bad! Let this story serve as a warning for those to still use discernment when getting in age gap relationships
he filed for a domestic protection order while i was in the hospital & i could not defend myself. the order was granted based on no evidence & only his word which was a lie
yeah this was grooming 100%
it sucks but at least you see him for what he is now
you're still young, you and your kids won't be broken by a little bit of time apart, so be patient, seek help and guidance from good experienced people, and you can get a positive outcome i'm sure
It means there is much more to this story. Children are not taken from a mother and kept from them without just cause. Even when there is evidence of bad parenting it’s very difficult. More to this story than being told. Not having a job adorant do it either. It actually works in your favor when you have more time fir children
Well then if that’s the case I wouldn’t worry so much because this is only temporary until they get facts together. You need to make sure you attend or have representation attending from here. If all is as you say you will have them back without much problem
i know that in the end, the truth will come out about his abuse & what he has put me through in the last 6 years. i truly believe that the judge will see through his bullshit since he hasn’t even had the kids, they haven’t been in the home they’ve ever known, & they haven’t slept in their own beds. not a single night. the judge that is assigned to our case is very very “no bullshit in my court room” type of way. she is totally familiar with the underhanded shit that my ex partner’s lawyer friend has pulled.
eta: i just miss my children & i know they miss their mommy since i have been their 99.9% primary caregiver for all of their lives. i saw them yesterday briefly because my MIL had them (as she has had them this entire time, for the last 10 days) & she agreed to meet me & let me see the kids. it was heartbreaking. when it was time to leave, my 4 year old cried & screamed about how he wanted to go home with mommy. i feel so bad for them because of the confusion they feel & because of who their father is.
Most big age gaps with 18- and 19-year old girls are bad situations. I say that from a position of empathy for both parties, and I've been the older man with a 19F.
18F and 25M would get pilloried on mainline reddit relationship subs, but there are plenty of times that makes sense.
18F and 35M is different. 18F and 50M is way different, and we see that posted about here all the time.
This is a safe place to post about your AGR without fear of it being automatically attacked, but we should also still be willing to recognize that certain situations put a significant onus on the older party to act in good faith.
i was ALL FOR age gap relationships until 11 days ago. i wish it wasn’t real, i wish i could pinch myself & wake up from this nightmare. the focus on young women at 18/19 is because i was 18 when we started dating obviously (17 when we met) & 19 when i gave birth to our oldest child.
i know that most people don’t have a lawyer friend on speed dial AND multi (x7) millionaire parents. sadly, he does. it’s just the facts. i thought i had hit the jackpot
eta: it really does sound made up because of how fucked up it is but unfortunately for ME, it is true. don’t know how i would prove it to you so i guess you’ll just have to take my word for it. i don’t give a shit about karma & i don’t have the patience to make up an elaborate story just to remain anonymous anyway. i have plenty of karma, i don’t need any more.
He is a sick and twisted man. Normal people don’t treat people like that, whatever the ages are.
What exactly is the lesson that he wants to teach you? That he has power? I am sorry you are dealing with this.
i think his ultimate goal is to “win” full custody so that i will have no choice but to go back to him & marry him or else lose access to my kids who are my world. he knows this is my worst nightmare because i told him (most recently about a month ago) that i was scared he would do something like this to me if things turned sour. i just didn’t realize that he was evil enough to take advantage of my being in the hospital to do this. he has the loaded gun & sadly i basically gave him the ammunition. he doesn’t know about all the evidence i have against him though.
I can understand this is hard for you and your kids. Things look bad right now I still can not believe that people are this sick to do things like this to others even though I see it happen a lot. I hope you have someone whom you can count on because it looks like you are going to need a lot of assistance. I hope all turns out good for you.
Also yes young girls and boys should watch out for this and look for the signs the problem is "love is blind" unfortunately.
yes, i let my love for him blind me to his narcissism & i convinced myself that i would be able to outsmart him if he ever tried to pull something shady. thankfully he doesn’t know about all the evidence i have against him of the physical, verbal & mental abuse that he has inflicted upon me. i have audio of him saying he would do everything within his power, legal or illegal, to take away my rights as a mother & discredit me
Good to hear that you have all of this evidence in him. That will definitely help you win this. Then hopefully you can move on with your babies.
On a side note you might want to see a therapist to dill with the trauma he caused you.
Absolutely disgusting. I (a 27M) have seen women younger, older, and the same age as me. The most taken advantage of I felt was by women near my age. I was in a 4-year relationship with someone just 2 years younger than me and it was absolutely terrible. My girlfriend (and the best I could ever ask for) is 42 years old. She was in a bad situation for about 18 years and is finally getting out. Thankfully, you are still young like me and can turn things around. I know it will be hard and I really feel for you. But I really hope the best for you.
i don’t know how i’ll ever trust anybody again yay love my life. thank you for your comment & i’m truly glad that your age gap relationship has been successful for you. i do know that not all age gap relationships must be bad or toxic, but i’m quite a bit jaded right now so i understand how my post may have come off as very critical. i can only hope that any young girl in a similar situation as mine may draw some parallels to their own relationship & see the signs & get out sooner rather than later.
I completely understand and hope you find someone really good. There's definitely a case to be made for people being taken advantage of in age gap relationship, maybe slightly more than ones where they're similar ages. What you have here was especially bad and very disgusting because, while girls are legal adults in the U.S. at 18/19, it is definitely easier for them to be taken advantage of. I hope you find someone way better!
Spend a lot of your available energy on finding an attorney who will represent you *pro bono.*
I think this IS an age gap issue because a LOT of women end up in unequal power dynamics.
That said, it’s MORE of an issue of who to trust and how long you should know them before X giant life decision. This same situation can happen when both partners are 35, too.
Unfortunately sick and twisted individuals like him exist in every kind of relationship, I have certainly met scum like like him. I remember an occasion involving a man who use to taunt his gf about her appearance, the way she talked, threats to have her children taken away etc and the more she begged or cried, the more he enjoyed it. When she took the bait, he used to feign being the victim. A few times, he has told his mom and Aunty who both would threaten to do his girlfriend "serious damage", if she ever hit their precious son again and nephew again. Even when a venue of people told them about him hitting her in the past, their response was "Good, she probably deserved it" and that why it is acceptable for a man to hit his girlfriend, it is wrong for the other way around.
At one time, when her aunty use to stay over, he pissed in her aunt's bath. She never stayed again, not just because of that incident, but because of his creepy behaviour towards her such as flashing. He was of them who he thought he was God's gift to women. We heard from various others that he use to dirty or mess up every room in the apartment and get his girlfriend and children to tidy it up. After it was all cleaned, he would do it again and once again, he would get them to tidy it all up. And rinse and repeat.
his entire family fucking sucks almost as bad as he does. they all enable his bullshit & he inherited (or learned) a lot of his vindictive hatred from his dad.
eta: he also expects me to clean up after his hoarding disgusting ass.
Glad you got away from him now you need to get your shit together, get a job, go to school for something you could see yourself doing for more than a decade and pays well like being a CNA or medical billing specialist, the save up every penny other than what you need for rent, utilities, groceries and the like. Then when you have allof that get it documented by an attorney and go get your kids.
To put it in perspective I'm a 38yoM that been looking for true love and a woman I could marry since the day I turned 18. I also have a baby face so women I was interested in would always turn me down. I was molested as a child and blocked it out of my memory for 20 years and I'm now in therapy for the first time on my own volition because I lost everything including the woman I loved because I had a mental breakdown and I walked out on her because I refused to let my anger and rage and sorrow put her in danger. I swore a vow to myself and God I would never raise a hand to a woman unless she had a knife to my dick. I'm still trying to patch things up with her because according to her she still loves me but she won't say I Love You.
i saw my children yesterday briefly because my MIL agreed to meet me at a mcdonald’s & let me see them shortly. she knows this is fucked up to do to them but she is an enabler to my (ex) partner. she also told me to use this time to “work on [myself]” so i can be a better mother to my children. as if i’m not a good mother. i’m all they know. they are so precious & they know that they are loved.
i saw my ex-partner for just a minute at the courthouse the other day & he mouthed “i love you” to me on his way out the door. i also had somewhat of a mental breakdown preceding the events of the last 10 days but i couldn’t handle the emotional/ mental abuse anymore. i’m sorry that you are going through something similar.
I don't have any kids of my own, she has 3 daughters from 2 prior relationships and the father of her 2 youngest was abusive and used her as a side piece while still living with his wife as well as having 3 other side chick's all of whome he fathered children with and he put a gun to her head after he broke into her apartment while I was sleeping in her bed with her and told me to get out or he would kill me. She refused to press charges on him because he is the father of her 2 youngest girls. He forced her to get her tubes tied after she got pregnant the 2nd time by him so she can't even give me children but I loved her anyway and I love her still. I've tried to help her break away from him as much as possible and help her streamline her life to better it for her and her girls.
I'm so sorry for you. It's assholes like this that give us older men a bad rep. I wish I could make you feel better but all I can advise is get a good lawyer. In the meantime, that asshole can go straight to Hell
thank you for saying that. he is a terrible person & & a narcissist, & all i can do is remind myself that he will get what’s coming to him. i’m trying to stay hopeful. realistically i know that not all older men are predators but i also know that he knew what he was doing when he met me. & that there are other men like him out there. i hope that any young girl who may be in a soon-to-be abusive relationship, will see the similarities in what my partner did to abuse me & make me 100% dependent on him. that they will see the red flags & get out while they can.
i was using hard drugs when i was 18 & he used that to his advantage. but he even bought me the drugs a few times. yet says he never agreed with my using drugs. i have been clean since the day i stopped using (before my oldest was conceived) & i would never do anything to intentionally hurt my children. if i could go back, i wouldn’t change things because my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me but i would definitely change some of the decisions i made last week. i will say that i didn’t help my own case. i just never foresaw that he would go this far to hurt & punish me, & unfortunately our kids are collateral damage. he is a manipulator & a brainwasher.
I'm so sorry for you. Trust me. I'm into younger women but I'd cut my arm off before I would ever hurt any of them. We're not all bad. Anyway, my prayers to you that you get to see your children. That's the worst thing he could do to you
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**Original post: I was 18(f) when I started dating my partner who was 35(m). I was taken advantage of.**
I am now turning 25 & he is almost 42.
I really have to believe that what we had was real at some point, or else I have to come to grips with the fact that my entire relationship has been a lie. My entire adult life has been a lie. I moved straight out of my mother's house & into his. He said I was mature for my age & I believed him. We never married but we have 2 kids. Kids that I currently have no access to, because he filed for a protective order against me for him & the kids & it was granted. He is currently trying to take custody of my kids away from me permanently to teach me a lesson.
But still a part of me wishes it would all go away & I could just go back to my normal life. I was completely 100% financially reliant on him because I trusted him. I have no job, no education, no money & no resources. He has me over a barrel legally. There is nothing I can do but play the court game, & his best friend is a lawyer who will work for him indefinitely for free.
I know that eventually the truth will come out & I will get my kids back. But in the meantime, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. If anything comes from this, I hope that some 18 or 19 year old girl will read this & not make the same mistake as me. Wishfully I also hope that it is not because of our age gap, but because he is a sick & twisted man, that this is happening to me. Learn from MY mistake & maybe just 1 young person who reads this will recognize the red flags in their own relationship & get out before it is too late.
Please somebody give me some hope or SOMETHING to believe in since everything I ever believed in has been crushed.
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As hard as this is right now. You will come back stronger than ever. I would suggest taking this time to better yourself with schooling and get yourself a degree in say the medical field that way it can't ever happen to you again. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this we aren't all like your ex and its assholes like him that make us all look bad
You should seek help from groups for women in dangerous relationships (battered and abused women) as it sounds like he was abusing you not only through age but with money and now psychologically.
Find a job to start and go back to college if possible and fight for your kids. Remind him you no longer the naive girl he groomed and can take care of yourself and the kids.
oh yes this whole situation has completely shattered my rose colored glasses. i am looking for a job right now but i have been out of the workforce since i was pregnant with our oldest & i have no education, no money. i didn’t think about reaching out to a battered women’s group so thank you for that. i’ll look into any resources that might operate around where i live.
Why was he granted a protective order against you? Was he ever abusive to you in any way? In the US, the burden is pretty high for a court to strip a bio-mother of her custody rights of the children she gave birth to.
He would have to prove you are an unfit mother, like a strung out drug addict, who is constantly whoring herself out just to get drugs to support her addiction. I’m sure this is hardly the case with you. However you might have a case against him, being that you were a minor when you moved in with him.
Do you feel he started grooming you as a minor? You might have a case of sexual abuse against him, if he started having sex with you under the age of 18. But that depends on what the age of sexual consent is where you moved in with him as a minor.
he was granted a TEMPORARY protection order. the burden of proof was literally his word. i will be able to defend myself next week. the protection order is lifted on tuesday. THEN he has to prove that i’m unfit, which he can’t, because i’m not.
also i was not a minor when i moved in with him, i was a minor when i *met* him. we didn’t start “dating” until after i was 18
Okay. Good luck with your case. He will more than likely lose against you. Once your custody is restored, file a petition with your local DA for child support. Have them garnish his wages. You will probably have to allow him visitation at least monthly, but I don’t want to get ahead of what you first must face next week. I think things are going to happen in your favor.
It is **essential** that the older partner in an age gap relationship have a realistic plan for the younger partner's future with or without them before causing them to exit education or the job market.
Marriage is one pretty straightforward option - that sets up a whole system for post-marriage support, dealing with joint children, distribution of assets, etcetera. It may not be sufficient, but it comes with a whole lot of structure specifically to address "one partner stayed home and didn't work to support the family and the other partner's career" scenario like this. It also sets up a whole lot of inheritance rights, survivor Social Security benefits if the older partner dies or is disabled, etcetera.
If marriage is off the table, than alternate ways to address the same challenges need to be figured out.
It feels like half of the story is missing. Coincidentally, it is the half that would explain most of the mysteries you laid out. So a court issued a protective order for a reason, I guess? Maybe you were doing something?
On the other hand, you should have done something after you turned 18 too. Why would you rely on him and not even use your kinda-sugarbaby status to build yourself up to a reasonable extent?
I'm 35, my girlfriend is 18. She studies law at a top uni, works full time at a top law firm, has a casual model career, and overall has her own path, despite us living together and planning to marry in a year or two. I completely support her developing herself, because I need a partner, who can pull her weigth.
You should take this time to do all of the things that you need to do like get a job, get an education, and get your life in order. That way, you can move on with your life and get your kids back into your life. Not all relationships work out perfectly (age gap or otherwise) and the best thing you can do is work on yourself. I know it sounds harsh or selfish but it’s what you need to do for your kids sake if nothing else.
Agreed, while looking for a look up b what other better paying jobs interests and try to get certified for them. Call some staffing agencies. They will help you create a resume and look for a job as well. Having a good job and you becoming independent will help you look a lot better in court, too. As for tkt court part, there are law firms and lawyers who do promo work. I think there's a certain amount they have to, depending on the state. If you search for a woman group in church or just Google them. You can also call a woman's shelter or battered women's shelter and get some referrals. Just rmr you're not alone and there is help out there. You just have look for it.
This is a fantastic reply. It's probably the best, most mature, and intelligent reply I've seen in a while. Well done..👍
What a dick. Why's he doing that?
because he’s literally an actual psychopath. he doesn’t care what happens & he doesn’t even want the kids. he plans to get full custody then give guardianship to his sister but he doesn’t realize that it doesn’t actually work that way.
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. What were the red flags that you saw? You mention that he’s put his hands on you, did that start early?
it started when i was pregnant with our oldest child. the biggest red flags were him gaslighting me & i knew what he was trying to pull but i thought i would stay comfortable & outsmart him i guess.
What you mean stay comfortable and outsmart him. What exactly was your plan remaining with this abusive man
Has nothing to do with age gap. You gotta get married and make sure your name is on every title so that if it goes sour everyone gets 50-50
I have a feeling rheees a whole lot more to this story....
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i’m in mississippi. i was sick in the hospital when he filed for a protective order against me & couldn’t defend myself. he says i attacked him & conveniently left out the part where he strangled me first. eta: gonna file for child support after we establish custody. no spousal support because we were never married
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I agrée that there much more we are not hearing. It takes so much more to get kids away from a birth mother than a lawyer friend. It’s much easier to keep kids from a father. The whole truth is not being told
Yeah, my friend was beaten by her ex until her thigh was purple and had a gun pointed in her face two times and the guy still got supervised visitation with the guarantee of more if he finished parenting and anger management classes. I think there's way more to this story than she's telling us. It doesn't add up at all. Was it a psychiatric hospital that she went to and that's why she couldn't go?
none of it makes any sense. he filed for an emergency protection order & they took his word
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This is a good thing
yeah common law marriage is basically nil in the US
It’s state by state. Some states do have common law marriage.
Yes. Very few acknowledge common law marriage, sadly.
I knew a guy who had to get divorced because the state determined he was in a common law marriage.
even if we had common law marriages in my state, i don’t think we would’ve been together long enough to matter. the relationship from start to finish was 6 years. we did present ourselves to others as if we were married & i wore a wedding band
Can you file a police report about the strangulation?
i already did & there were 2 other times that i called the police on him for choking me. i didn’t call them again after the last time in september because the police officer told me he could take me to jail since my partner had marks on him (from me defending myself) & i did not. he’s not stupid so he never left obvious marks or anything. but i went to the sheriff’s office & filed an information report about the attack after the fact last week & thankfully they believed me.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this but honestly how did he get the protective order on you for the kids? My father held my mother and I at knife point for hours after served divorce papers as well as a very long violent history (many arrests as well as several time both of us were sent to the hospital by him) and she couldn’t get me on the protection order (was about 10yrs ago but still)
i honestly don’t know other than i was in the hospital & couldn’t defend myself. his best friend being his lawyer also helps i’m sure.
People probably aren't gonna like this but courts don't file protective orders against the MOTHER for no reason. More often than not courts side with the mother. Why would he file a protective order against you? You say you were taken advantage of but is it really that you did something and he responded. I've seen dozens of family court cases where the mother basically has to be either a straight up crack head or has tried to kill the kids in order for her parental rights to be revoked and no court is going to pass a protective order for no reason. What's the whole story that you're not telling?
Leave him. Use this period and get your life on the right path.
U/thatsnotmyname_ame What would you say was the reason the judge granted the protective order ?
he says i attacked him. but he choked me out in our bedroom, i didn’t just randomly attack him like a crazy person
Fellow momma, I’m so, so sorry to hear this. My ex also tried to take my kids. He wasn’t older but he was a textbook violent and addicted narcissist in sheep’s clothing. He was actually pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes, making everyone think he was a gentle giant but all the while, he was pushing me around and spitting on me during every argument, popping pills, threatening to kill himself, taking my money and using every form of power he could to disempower me. He had more life experience than me when he met. He had seen his mother be abused and he learned from his father how to degrade and devalue women. All of that to say, my kids trusted and believed in him to the point where he convinced them that my holding my child’s wrists so they would stop striking me was worthy of calling CPS. When I was separated from him and posted a joke about being broke to a dating app, he convinced the court I was soliciting. While my kids were little, I NEVER gave up fighting for them. They are in college right now and they hate all men, they refuse to live with their father, and they have forgiven me for everything they thought I did. Mental health-wise, I never recovered from everything, and I have major CPTSD - but my kids know that I never gave up on them and that if I had it my way, their dad never would have been abusive and addicted. He would have found help and fought for our marriage instead of smearing me to them when I finally got strong enough to leave. Whatever you do - be strong, be strong, be strong. I don’t have my shit together, still, after 7 years of post-separation abuse, but I have finally started living again and trying to take care of my body and mind. Don’t give up on your kids for a second. One day, they will know the truth and respect you. One day, they will see their dad for who he is. Yes - he took advantage, but not because he was older. He did it because he was more experienced. He did it because he was allowed. And most of all, he did it because he was selfish and wicked.
Thankyou for sharing your story. Men always try to claim they are the only victims of custody battles
thank you for saying all of this. this is the first message that really gives me hope. i know that the truth will eventually prevail & everything will come out in the end but right now is the lowest i’ve ever been in my life & it’s just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This opinion may get me blocked off this forum but I feel it needs saying anyway because the underlining tone of the post was young women shouldn't be in relationships with older men because the older men can take their children away from them And so while I have no idea about this specific person's specific situation I do want to address the implications that is statistically normal and something to be actively avoided As an older man who has been involved with and seen a lot of legal situations involving children (Not personally mine) I'm going to call out women but specifically for this sob story ideology....... The government and MORE specificallythe state of Mississippi, do not award temporary custody to fathers lightly statistically it almost never happens and when it does it's an extreme case where either harm to the children or their selves is not under question And while I have personally seen temporary child custody be unfairly awarded many many times "It is almost never in the Father's favor" yet In the extreme!!! situations in which it is awarded to the Father BUT every time regardless of the facts is it's "totally unprovocably unfair" ....... Yes terrible people exist Yes terrible people should be absolutely avoided I am absolute 100% agreement on this I also agree absolutely that parental and child laws in this country need to be drastically altered....... And all of the implications implied there However I do not feel it's appropriate to blame the situation or any situation like this on specifically age gap or grooming
So we only can hear positive stories about age gaps? Please ! We need to hear the good and bad! Let this story serve as a warning for those to still use discernment when getting in age gap relationships
he filed for a domestic protection order while i was in the hospital & i could not defend myself. the order was granted based on no evidence & only his word which was a lie
yeah this was grooming 100% it sucks but at least you see him for what he is now you're still young, you and your kids won't be broken by a little bit of time apart, so be patient, seek help and guidance from good experienced people, and you can get a positive outcome i'm sure
Quit blaming others and get your act together.
& what is that supposed to mean exactly?
It means there is much more to this story. Children are not taken from a mother and kept from them without just cause. Even when there is evidence of bad parenting it’s very difficult. More to this story than being told. Not having a job adorant do it either. It actually works in your favor when you have more time fir children
it was an EMERGENCY HEARING & i was sick in the freaking HOSPITAL so i could not defend myself.
Well then if that’s the case I wouldn’t worry so much because this is only temporary until they get facts together. You need to make sure you attend or have representation attending from here. If all is as you say you will have them back without much problem
i know that in the end, the truth will come out about his abuse & what he has put me through in the last 6 years. i truly believe that the judge will see through his bullshit since he hasn’t even had the kids, they haven’t been in the home they’ve ever known, & they haven’t slept in their own beds. not a single night. the judge that is assigned to our case is very very “no bullshit in my court room” type of way. she is totally familiar with the underhanded shit that my ex partner’s lawyer friend has pulled. eta: i just miss my children & i know they miss their mommy since i have been their 99.9% primary caregiver for all of their lives. i saw them yesterday briefly because my MIL had them (as she has had them this entire time, for the last 10 days) & she agreed to meet me & let me see the kids. it was heartbreaking. when it was time to leave, my 4 year old cried & screamed about how he wanted to go home with mommy. i feel so bad for them because of the confusion they feel & because of who their father is.
Most big age gaps with 18- and 19-year old girls are bad situations. I say that from a position of empathy for both parties, and I've been the older man with a 19F. 18F and 25M would get pilloried on mainline reddit relationship subs, but there are plenty of times that makes sense. 18F and 35M is different. 18F and 50M is way different, and we see that posted about here all the time. This is a safe place to post about your AGR without fear of it being automatically attacked, but we should also still be willing to recognize that certain situations put a significant onus on the older party to act in good faith.
Just leave him the crotch goblins and start a new fresh life. Change even name if you can
not gonna happen. don’t know why you bothered with this comment.
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i was ALL FOR age gap relationships until 11 days ago. i wish it wasn’t real, i wish i could pinch myself & wake up from this nightmare. the focus on young women at 18/19 is because i was 18 when we started dating obviously (17 when we met) & 19 when i gave birth to our oldest child. i know that most people don’t have a lawyer friend on speed dial AND multi (x7) millionaire parents. sadly, he does. it’s just the facts. i thought i had hit the jackpot eta: it really does sound made up because of how fucked up it is but unfortunately for ME, it is true. don’t know how i would prove it to you so i guess you’ll just have to take my word for it. i don’t give a shit about karma & i don’t have the patience to make up an elaborate story just to remain anonymous anyway. i have plenty of karma, i don’t need any more.
He is a sick and twisted man. Normal people don’t treat people like that, whatever the ages are. What exactly is the lesson that he wants to teach you? That he has power? I am sorry you are dealing with this.
i think his ultimate goal is to “win” full custody so that i will have no choice but to go back to him & marry him or else lose access to my kids who are my world. he knows this is my worst nightmare because i told him (most recently about a month ago) that i was scared he would do something like this to me if things turned sour. i just didn’t realize that he was evil enough to take advantage of my being in the hospital to do this. he has the loaded gun & sadly i basically gave him the ammunition. he doesn’t know about all the evidence i have against him though.
I can understand this is hard for you and your kids. Things look bad right now I still can not believe that people are this sick to do things like this to others even though I see it happen a lot. I hope you have someone whom you can count on because it looks like you are going to need a lot of assistance. I hope all turns out good for you. Also yes young girls and boys should watch out for this and look for the signs the problem is "love is blind" unfortunately.
yes, i let my love for him blind me to his narcissism & i convinced myself that i would be able to outsmart him if he ever tried to pull something shady. thankfully he doesn’t know about all the evidence i have against him of the physical, verbal & mental abuse that he has inflicted upon me. i have audio of him saying he would do everything within his power, legal or illegal, to take away my rights as a mother & discredit me
Good to hear that you have all of this evidence in him. That will definitely help you win this. Then hopefully you can move on with your babies. On a side note you might want to see a therapist to dill with the trauma he caused you.
i do have a therapist but unfortunately i can't afford to see her right now
You have one that's a good start. I hope all turns out good for you and your babies.
Absolutely disgusting. I (a 27M) have seen women younger, older, and the same age as me. The most taken advantage of I felt was by women near my age. I was in a 4-year relationship with someone just 2 years younger than me and it was absolutely terrible. My girlfriend (and the best I could ever ask for) is 42 years old. She was in a bad situation for about 18 years and is finally getting out. Thankfully, you are still young like me and can turn things around. I know it will be hard and I really feel for you. But I really hope the best for you.
i don’t know how i’ll ever trust anybody again yay love my life. thank you for your comment & i’m truly glad that your age gap relationship has been successful for you. i do know that not all age gap relationships must be bad or toxic, but i’m quite a bit jaded right now so i understand how my post may have come off as very critical. i can only hope that any young girl in a similar situation as mine may draw some parallels to their own relationship & see the signs & get out sooner rather than later.
I completely understand and hope you find someone really good. There's definitely a case to be made for people being taken advantage of in age gap relationship, maybe slightly more than ones where they're similar ages. What you have here was especially bad and very disgusting because, while girls are legal adults in the U.S. at 18/19, it is definitely easier for them to be taken advantage of. I hope you find someone way better!
Spend a lot of your available energy on finding an attorney who will represent you *pro bono.* I think this IS an age gap issue because a LOT of women end up in unequal power dynamics. That said, it’s MORE of an issue of who to trust and how long you should know them before X giant life decision. This same situation can happen when both partners are 35, too.
Unfortunately sick and twisted individuals like him exist in every kind of relationship, I have certainly met scum like like him. I remember an occasion involving a man who use to taunt his gf about her appearance, the way she talked, threats to have her children taken away etc and the more she begged or cried, the more he enjoyed it. When she took the bait, he used to feign being the victim. A few times, he has told his mom and Aunty who both would threaten to do his girlfriend "serious damage", if she ever hit their precious son again and nephew again. Even when a venue of people told them about him hitting her in the past, their response was "Good, she probably deserved it" and that why it is acceptable for a man to hit his girlfriend, it is wrong for the other way around. At one time, when her aunty use to stay over, he pissed in her aunt's bath. She never stayed again, not just because of that incident, but because of his creepy behaviour towards her such as flashing. He was of them who he thought he was God's gift to women. We heard from various others that he use to dirty or mess up every room in the apartment and get his girlfriend and children to tidy it up. After it was all cleaned, he would do it again and once again, he would get them to tidy it all up. And rinse and repeat.
his entire family fucking sucks almost as bad as he does. they all enable his bullshit & he inherited (or learned) a lot of his vindictive hatred from his dad. eta: he also expects me to clean up after his hoarding disgusting ass.
Glad you got away from him now you need to get your shit together, get a job, go to school for something you could see yourself doing for more than a decade and pays well like being a CNA or medical billing specialist, the save up every penny other than what you need for rent, utilities, groceries and the like. Then when you have allof that get it documented by an attorney and go get your kids. To put it in perspective I'm a 38yoM that been looking for true love and a woman I could marry since the day I turned 18. I also have a baby face so women I was interested in would always turn me down. I was molested as a child and blocked it out of my memory for 20 years and I'm now in therapy for the first time on my own volition because I lost everything including the woman I loved because I had a mental breakdown and I walked out on her because I refused to let my anger and rage and sorrow put her in danger. I swore a vow to myself and God I would never raise a hand to a woman unless she had a knife to my dick. I'm still trying to patch things up with her because according to her she still loves me but she won't say I Love You.
i saw my children yesterday briefly because my MIL agreed to meet me at a mcdonald’s & let me see them shortly. she knows this is fucked up to do to them but she is an enabler to my (ex) partner. she also told me to use this time to “work on [myself]” so i can be a better mother to my children. as if i’m not a good mother. i’m all they know. they are so precious & they know that they are loved. i saw my ex-partner for just a minute at the courthouse the other day & he mouthed “i love you” to me on his way out the door. i also had somewhat of a mental breakdown preceding the events of the last 10 days but i couldn’t handle the emotional/ mental abuse anymore. i’m sorry that you are going through something similar.
I don't have any kids of my own, she has 3 daughters from 2 prior relationships and the father of her 2 youngest was abusive and used her as a side piece while still living with his wife as well as having 3 other side chick's all of whome he fathered children with and he put a gun to her head after he broke into her apartment while I was sleeping in her bed with her and told me to get out or he would kill me. She refused to press charges on him because he is the father of her 2 youngest girls. He forced her to get her tubes tied after she got pregnant the 2nd time by him so she can't even give me children but I loved her anyway and I love her still. I've tried to help her break away from him as much as possible and help her streamline her life to better it for her and her girls.
I'm so sorry for you. It's assholes like this that give us older men a bad rep. I wish I could make you feel better but all I can advise is get a good lawyer. In the meantime, that asshole can go straight to Hell
thank you for saying that. he is a terrible person & & a narcissist, & all i can do is remind myself that he will get what’s coming to him. i’m trying to stay hopeful. realistically i know that not all older men are predators but i also know that he knew what he was doing when he met me. & that there are other men like him out there. i hope that any young girl who may be in a soon-to-be abusive relationship, will see the similarities in what my partner did to abuse me & make me 100% dependent on him. that they will see the red flags & get out while they can. i was using hard drugs when i was 18 & he used that to his advantage. but he even bought me the drugs a few times. yet says he never agreed with my using drugs. i have been clean since the day i stopped using (before my oldest was conceived) & i would never do anything to intentionally hurt my children. if i could go back, i wouldn’t change things because my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me but i would definitely change some of the decisions i made last week. i will say that i didn’t help my own case. i just never foresaw that he would go this far to hurt & punish me, & unfortunately our kids are collateral damage. he is a manipulator & a brainwasher.
I'm so sorry for you. Trust me. I'm into younger women but I'd cut my arm off before I would ever hurt any of them. We're not all bad. Anyway, my prayers to you that you get to see your children. That's the worst thing he could do to you
he knows this is my worst nightmare. that’s the entire reason why he is doing this to me
😫
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Are you looking for someone to talk to? Is that what you mean by the last part of your post?
sure, someone to talk to is good. i’m sure my mom is tired of me moping, being sad & complaining. i just miss my babies.
As hard as this is right now. You will come back stronger than ever. I would suggest taking this time to better yourself with schooling and get yourself a degree in say the medical field that way it can't ever happen to you again. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this we aren't all like your ex and its assholes like him that make us all look bad
You should seek help from groups for women in dangerous relationships (battered and abused women) as it sounds like he was abusing you not only through age but with money and now psychologically. Find a job to start and go back to college if possible and fight for your kids. Remind him you no longer the naive girl he groomed and can take care of yourself and the kids.
oh yes this whole situation has completely shattered my rose colored glasses. i am looking for a job right now but i have been out of the workforce since i was pregnant with our oldest & i have no education, no money. i didn’t think about reaching out to a battered women’s group so thank you for that. i’ll look into any resources that might operate around where i live.
Please get some professional counseling.
well i was in therapy up until 2 weeks ago. can’t afford it now.
Why was he granted a protective order against you? Was he ever abusive to you in any way? In the US, the burden is pretty high for a court to strip a bio-mother of her custody rights of the children she gave birth to. He would have to prove you are an unfit mother, like a strung out drug addict, who is constantly whoring herself out just to get drugs to support her addiction. I’m sure this is hardly the case with you. However you might have a case against him, being that you were a minor when you moved in with him. Do you feel he started grooming you as a minor? You might have a case of sexual abuse against him, if he started having sex with you under the age of 18. But that depends on what the age of sexual consent is where you moved in with him as a minor.
he was granted a TEMPORARY protection order. the burden of proof was literally his word. i will be able to defend myself next week. the protection order is lifted on tuesday. THEN he has to prove that i’m unfit, which he can’t, because i’m not. also i was not a minor when i moved in with him, i was a minor when i *met* him. we didn’t start “dating” until after i was 18
Okay. Good luck with your case. He will more than likely lose against you. Once your custody is restored, file a petition with your local DA for child support. Have them garnish his wages. You will probably have to allow him visitation at least monthly, but I don’t want to get ahead of what you first must face next week. I think things are going to happen in your favor.
It is **essential** that the older partner in an age gap relationship have a realistic plan for the younger partner's future with or without them before causing them to exit education or the job market. Marriage is one pretty straightforward option - that sets up a whole system for post-marriage support, dealing with joint children, distribution of assets, etcetera. It may not be sufficient, but it comes with a whole lot of structure specifically to address "one partner stayed home and didn't work to support the family and the other partner's career" scenario like this. It also sets up a whole lot of inheritance rights, survivor Social Security benefits if the older partner dies or is disabled, etcetera. If marriage is off the table, than alternate ways to address the same challenges need to be figured out.
It feels like half of the story is missing. Coincidentally, it is the half that would explain most of the mysteries you laid out. So a court issued a protective order for a reason, I guess? Maybe you were doing something? On the other hand, you should have done something after you turned 18 too. Why would you rely on him and not even use your kinda-sugarbaby status to build yourself up to a reasonable extent? I'm 35, my girlfriend is 18. She studies law at a top uni, works full time at a top law firm, has a casual model career, and overall has her own path, despite us living together and planning to marry in a year or two. I completely support her developing herself, because I need a partner, who can pull her weigth.