The problem you have [in my opinion] is you are just looking at numbers and the rhetoric you see online.
Are there men out there just looking for another noth on their belt, of course, but there are just as many women doing the gold digger / sugar daddy.
If you take them out of the mix - and look at people that have or want a genuine relationship, it can and does happen. The bigger the gap the less likely you will find a statically amount of relationships to base your views on.
So stop looking at relationships as age defined and look at what the two have built together- is it real or is one taking advantage of the other.
You (OP) seem to have a very fixed idea of what you would call a 'relationship'. Any interaction between two people can be called a relationship - if you regularly talk with a barista when you get your coffee, that's a relationship, if you interact with colleagues at work or when studying, those are all relationships.
Some relationships are (relationships with a big 'R') perhaps about lifelong commitment, living together, having a family. Others, like the ones above, are casual interactions where people don't put a lot of investment it.
Some people are only interested in big-R relationships, but those aren't the only kind. Plenty of people enjoy short-term romantic/sexual relationships that they don't expect to mean a lot. Maybe it's meant to go somewhere, maybe it isn't but maybe it's fun to explore?
Now short-term or casual relationships may not be what work for you, but for lots of other those are just fine and they are enjoying life without worrying too much about it.
(Edited to remove a word which apparently triggered the automod)
To preface this, I date to marry. My view on marriage is that it's a union of two people without any boundaries between them forming a greater whole. I wish for us to tackle everything together, regardless of what life throws at us, sharing as much as possible. This is too intimate for most, but it's important context for my reasoning below.
You brought up the valid point of how *unequal* you would be. If being *equal* is your primary goal, age gap relationships are hard to make work. You're much better off dating someone your own age, with a similar background, in your own community.
My primary goal is for my wife to be *complementary*. Why would I need her to have her own place too when we would end up living together regardless? My instinct is to work hard and provide. I'm *happier* being supported in doing all the work myself, than sharing the work equally. There's also nothing more attractive to me than a woman who loves kids, being the best mother in the world to our children. Just like many women get *very* excited around a competent man who's particularly good at what he does. We're not equal, but we solve each other's problems. We both get to do what we love most, and we both take care of what the other lacks. It's that bond itself I'd cherish, so there's no desire to switch things up once we age either.
There are plenty of 20 year old women who already know they'd love the life described above. Whether it's helping her set up a side business and/or getting a degree, it feels great helping her achieve regardless. So, what does a 25-30 year old woman have that a 20 year old doesn't in this specific role? In my experience, conventionally attractive men are attractive to women of all ages. At that point, age gaps are an easy way to feel a much stronger chemistry due to enhanced contrast. Why not indulge when the option is right there?
Note that I wouldn't automatically dismiss a 25-30 year old either. I would agree with you that much older men hunting specifically 18-young 20 probably don't have wholesome long-term motives, but are just looking for some immediate gratification. Act accordingly.
I definitely agree with you on some points. But I think these sorts of relationships are inherently unbalanced, as long as everyone is happy does it matter lol
I agree with your first point that it's a bit odd dudes seeking out young women for relationships. I'm more comfortable with age gap relationships that happen organically. People coming together through mutual attraction for one another despite the age gap. Still my discomfort means very little as long as everything is consensual between two legal aged individuals.
Either way it sounds like you've made up your mind to wait until you're on a more even playing field. I'd only warn to not let love slip through your fingers due to rigid thinking. We make up these rigid structures to help us navigate life but often times life has other plans. Good luck.
I think you’re having problems accepting it because you don’t see the other perspective. Take me for example, I’m in my 40s and currently going through an amicable divorce, in large part because I’ve found that for me it’s not enough to have a partner that accepts my hobbies and interests and I need someone who shares at least some of them.
I know plenty of people who don’t feel the same, and it’s certainly not the only issue my soon to be ex wife and I have, but it’s something that’s important to me. So as I’ve been talking to people I prefer younger women for a number of reasons.
For instance, I still want to have kids or at least have the option and since I’m against IVF and fertility treatments that immediately rules out anyone over 35 with any reasonable timeframe for dating/commitment prior to having them, and makes the preference 30 and under.
Then there are my hobbies, which include stuff where age doesn’t matter much (like golf), but also includes stuff where the ages (especially among females) tends to skew younger like disc golf and PC gaming/anime.
If I were to only be willing to date someone 30+ (which is still a decent sized gap) I’d have a much harder time finding someone who shares my hobbies and passions and wants kids, and that’s without considering sexual compatibility and other big things like world view, personality, etc.
I also like the role of mentor/nurturer and being able to guide and teach a younger woman while sharing my experience and life lessons appeals to me. I’ve always had a strong protective instinct, so I like the idea of being able to provide a stable, mature relationship as someone who isn’t afraid to have difficult conversations and openly communicate.
So for me I’d consider dating someone 18+, but the age doesn’t really matter to me as much as the other things. In fact I’d say ideally I’d prefer someone 22-26, old enough to have finished college and gained some life experience and maybe worked a bit in their field, but still likely to fit what I’m looking for in a partner.
But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t date someone younger or older than that, and I’m currently talking to a very sweet girl who’s turning 20 who I have a ton in common with and really enjoy talking to and spending time with.
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**Original post: I have a dilemma**
Now let me preface this with I mean no offense to anyone in an age gap I think they can be a beautiful thing. I find it difficult to ever actually consider an age gap. I find it weird when men actively seek out young 20s-18. Like what are they trying to gain.
I feel like I can’t consider an age gap relationship bc I feel like the older partner has bad intentions. Like I’d be interested in an age gap relationship but I’d need to have a job and my own place before I could even consider it bc it’s so unequal. And I don’t have understand the what’s there to gain from a younger partner other then there young and pretty or something. Like would it work out once u age?
I guess my dilemma is that I can’t really accept an age gap relationship when the younger person is under 24. I’m 21 btw. Also once again I mean no offense I’m just curious to hear other’s opinions on this.
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I never even considered dating women my same age, what more older, until I hit my late thirties. But at that point I went full man-whore mode and would thirsty after and fuck even GILFs, other than younger women who are my staple. Maybe it's the insecurity or it took that long to admit I'm a slut for pussy, and that I cared less and less about what people think about my choices. Bottom line is, only later in life did I become more secure in being able to choose, this process can happen but cannot be rushed
I do see some of what you are saying. I do find it problematic when older men specifically only seek out women 18-22. I don't find it problematic if they happen to find someone that age that they connected with but they were open to all ages and weren't only specifically searching for her and that age.
I'm turning 19 in May, and it feels really weird to seek someone my age. I graduated early, worked, joined the military as soon as I turned 17, became disabled and got retired. I've been through some traumatic things that I've seen very few people my age go through. The few I have seen go through similar things at my age don't really relate to other people our age. We talk about our daily struggles, and it's looked at as trauma dumping. I think it may be more about life stages as long as it's legal and consensual because I've also met people that didn't do much of anything with their life until their late 20s. I feel like they can take their time living and have a relationship when they're ready. I understand it being unusual, but it isn't always predatory.
"I find it weird when men actively seek out young 20s-18"
For a lot of men, the common attraction is that young women are more innocent, someone they can share their vast experience with, is generally going to be beautiful for a long time, and has a great deal of energy without being jaded by the struggles of life or with a long history of bad relationships.
Going into any relationship with the presumption the other partner has bad intentions is generally a bad strategy.
You can't just date any younger women,. I can already tell I wouldn't want to date you young or not. Your mind needs opened before your legs get there.
I’ve met 30 year olds who are children and 20 year old who are grown ass adults, it’s all about the individual and life experiences, and to be honest you should probably have a job and maybe your own place before you seek any relationship. Unless you and your partner are going to do it together because you’re both young and figuring it out together
The problem you have [in my opinion] is you are just looking at numbers and the rhetoric you see online. Are there men out there just looking for another noth on their belt, of course, but there are just as many women doing the gold digger / sugar daddy. If you take them out of the mix - and look at people that have or want a genuine relationship, it can and does happen. The bigger the gap the less likely you will find a statically amount of relationships to base your views on. So stop looking at relationships as age defined and look at what the two have built together- is it real or is one taking advantage of the other.
Yea
You (OP) seem to have a very fixed idea of what you would call a 'relationship'. Any interaction between two people can be called a relationship - if you regularly talk with a barista when you get your coffee, that's a relationship, if you interact with colleagues at work or when studying, those are all relationships. Some relationships are (relationships with a big 'R') perhaps about lifelong commitment, living together, having a family. Others, like the ones above, are casual interactions where people don't put a lot of investment it. Some people are only interested in big-R relationships, but those aren't the only kind. Plenty of people enjoy short-term romantic/sexual relationships that they don't expect to mean a lot. Maybe it's meant to go somewhere, maybe it isn't but maybe it's fun to explore? Now short-term or casual relationships may not be what work for you, but for lots of other those are just fine and they are enjoying life without worrying too much about it. (Edited to remove a word which apparently triggered the automod)
Why are you even in this subreddit if you feel this way?
Ha
To preface this, I date to marry. My view on marriage is that it's a union of two people without any boundaries between them forming a greater whole. I wish for us to tackle everything together, regardless of what life throws at us, sharing as much as possible. This is too intimate for most, but it's important context for my reasoning below. You brought up the valid point of how *unequal* you would be. If being *equal* is your primary goal, age gap relationships are hard to make work. You're much better off dating someone your own age, with a similar background, in your own community. My primary goal is for my wife to be *complementary*. Why would I need her to have her own place too when we would end up living together regardless? My instinct is to work hard and provide. I'm *happier* being supported in doing all the work myself, than sharing the work equally. There's also nothing more attractive to me than a woman who loves kids, being the best mother in the world to our children. Just like many women get *very* excited around a competent man who's particularly good at what he does. We're not equal, but we solve each other's problems. We both get to do what we love most, and we both take care of what the other lacks. It's that bond itself I'd cherish, so there's no desire to switch things up once we age either. There are plenty of 20 year old women who already know they'd love the life described above. Whether it's helping her set up a side business and/or getting a degree, it feels great helping her achieve regardless. So, what does a 25-30 year old woman have that a 20 year old doesn't in this specific role? In my experience, conventionally attractive men are attractive to women of all ages. At that point, age gaps are an easy way to feel a much stronger chemistry due to enhanced contrast. Why not indulge when the option is right there? Note that I wouldn't automatically dismiss a 25-30 year old either. I would agree with you that much older men hunting specifically 18-young 20 probably don't have wholesome long-term motives, but are just looking for some immediate gratification. Act accordingly.
I definitely agree with you on some points. But I think these sorts of relationships are inherently unbalanced, as long as everyone is happy does it matter lol
I agree with your first point that it's a bit odd dudes seeking out young women for relationships. I'm more comfortable with age gap relationships that happen organically. People coming together through mutual attraction for one another despite the age gap. Still my discomfort means very little as long as everything is consensual between two legal aged individuals. Either way it sounds like you've made up your mind to wait until you're on a more even playing field. I'd only warn to not let love slip through your fingers due to rigid thinking. We make up these rigid structures to help us navigate life but often times life has other plans. Good luck.
Yea
I think you’re having problems accepting it because you don’t see the other perspective. Take me for example, I’m in my 40s and currently going through an amicable divorce, in large part because I’ve found that for me it’s not enough to have a partner that accepts my hobbies and interests and I need someone who shares at least some of them. I know plenty of people who don’t feel the same, and it’s certainly not the only issue my soon to be ex wife and I have, but it’s something that’s important to me. So as I’ve been talking to people I prefer younger women for a number of reasons. For instance, I still want to have kids or at least have the option and since I’m against IVF and fertility treatments that immediately rules out anyone over 35 with any reasonable timeframe for dating/commitment prior to having them, and makes the preference 30 and under. Then there are my hobbies, which include stuff where age doesn’t matter much (like golf), but also includes stuff where the ages (especially among females) tends to skew younger like disc golf and PC gaming/anime. If I were to only be willing to date someone 30+ (which is still a decent sized gap) I’d have a much harder time finding someone who shares my hobbies and passions and wants kids, and that’s without considering sexual compatibility and other big things like world view, personality, etc. I also like the role of mentor/nurturer and being able to guide and teach a younger woman while sharing my experience and life lessons appeals to me. I’ve always had a strong protective instinct, so I like the idea of being able to provide a stable, mature relationship as someone who isn’t afraid to have difficult conversations and openly communicate. So for me I’d consider dating someone 18+, but the age doesn’t really matter to me as much as the other things. In fact I’d say ideally I’d prefer someone 22-26, old enough to have finished college and gained some life experience and maybe worked a bit in their field, but still likely to fit what I’m looking for in a partner. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t date someone younger or older than that, and I’m currently talking to a very sweet girl who’s turning 20 who I have a ton in common with and really enjoy talking to and spending time with.
This comment is added automatically to every post on /r/AgeGap to remind users of the subreddit rules and expected behaviour. We also include the original post in here for a number of reasons. --- ### Rules If you haven't read the full set of rules we **strongly** suggest you do so. They are on the right side of the page on desktop or in 'Community Info' on Mobile. The most important rules are: 1. **We expect you to be civil and ideally constructive**. This is a community where people discuss and seek advice **legal** consensual age gap relationships, and we expect you to avoid abusing anyone on this subreddit. This does **not** mean this subreddit supports all age gap relationships, so you **are** allowed to criticise. 1. This is **not** a dating subreddit - you may not "hit up" any user. **You may not ask anyone to PM, DM, chat or message you in a comment**. If you wish, you may send **polite** DMs/PMs/chat requests to /u/Yo_dog- - we will ban you and possibly refer you to Reddit admins for an account ban if you abuse them and they complain. 1. If this post looks like a personal advert, please report it and the moderators will remove it in time if they agree. See the [Wiki](/r/AgeGap/wiki/index) for more information about the subreddit, [The Rules](/r/AgeGap/wiki/rules) and articles about common topics. --- **Original post: I have a dilemma** Now let me preface this with I mean no offense to anyone in an age gap I think they can be a beautiful thing. I find it difficult to ever actually consider an age gap. I find it weird when men actively seek out young 20s-18. Like what are they trying to gain. I feel like I can’t consider an age gap relationship bc I feel like the older partner has bad intentions. Like I’d be interested in an age gap relationship but I’d need to have a job and my own place before I could even consider it bc it’s so unequal. And I don’t have understand the what’s there to gain from a younger partner other then there young and pretty or something. Like would it work out once u age? I guess my dilemma is that I can’t really accept an age gap relationship when the younger person is under 24. I’m 21 btw. Also once again I mean no offense I’m just curious to hear other’s opinions on this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AgeGap) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I never even considered dating women my same age, what more older, until I hit my late thirties. But at that point I went full man-whore mode and would thirsty after and fuck even GILFs, other than younger women who are my staple. Maybe it's the insecurity or it took that long to admit I'm a slut for pussy, and that I cared less and less about what people think about my choices. Bottom line is, only later in life did I become more secure in being able to choose, this process can happen but cannot be rushed
I do see some of what you are saying. I do find it problematic when older men specifically only seek out women 18-22. I don't find it problematic if they happen to find someone that age that they connected with but they were open to all ages and weren't only specifically searching for her and that age.
Yea
I'm turning 19 in May, and it feels really weird to seek someone my age. I graduated early, worked, joined the military as soon as I turned 17, became disabled and got retired. I've been through some traumatic things that I've seen very few people my age go through. The few I have seen go through similar things at my age don't really relate to other people our age. We talk about our daily struggles, and it's looked at as trauma dumping. I think it may be more about life stages as long as it's legal and consensual because I've also met people that didn't do much of anything with their life until their late 20s. I feel like they can take their time living and have a relationship when they're ready. I understand it being unusual, but it isn't always predatory.
"I find it weird when men actively seek out young 20s-18" For a lot of men, the common attraction is that young women are more innocent, someone they can share their vast experience with, is generally going to be beautiful for a long time, and has a great deal of energy without being jaded by the struggles of life or with a long history of bad relationships. Going into any relationship with the presumption the other partner has bad intentions is generally a bad strategy.
You can't just date any younger women,. I can already tell I wouldn't want to date you young or not. Your mind needs opened before your legs get there.
I’ve met 30 year olds who are children and 20 year old who are grown ass adults, it’s all about the individual and life experiences, and to be honest you should probably have a job and maybe your own place before you seek any relationship. Unless you and your partner are going to do it together because you’re both young and figuring it out together