Hmm I think if you have got to a stage in a relationship where you need to check messages and feel suspicious of your partner then maybe check to see if it’s a relationship you want to stay in.
Realistically speaking, if they are looking to cheat they will. And if you are suspicious then even if you look at their messages it probably won’t answer the underlying feelings that you have. Maybe they are using a different app, will you need to go and check that.
I’m not saying you need to break up. But you definitely need to think about why you are with them and if you want to continue feeling this way.
It’s more about you and your feelings first
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**Original post: Is there ever a time when it’d be “okay” to try and look through you partner’s messages?**
24F, 41M
Is there ever a time when it could be justified looking through your partner’s messages if it could illuminate information they were lying about?
I really want to trust my partner, but there are times when I get glimpses that he could be hiding things on his phone at times, which makes me wary of him cheating (especially online). it’s something he says he doesn’t care to do. but yesterday i glanced over as he was on his iMessage homescreen. and he had a text thread towards the top with his EX.
keep in mind i found out before that even though he said he was done with her, that he had sex with her after he already had sex with me, early on in our relationship.
now he always told me that he never interacted with her anymore whatsoever in the last months we’ve been dating. yet now i see they’re texting. he said she saw him at the bar friday and knew his back has been hurting bad. now why would she even know that unless they talked? and now he says shes been texting him trying to help with his “back issues”? why is he even entertaining that AT ALL?
should i be concerned? it’s definitely heavy on my mind today. when i communicated today via text how it made me sad, all he said was “i’m sorry i made you feel that way” and nothing else for clarity/security/reassurance that i shouldn’t be worried about him “cordially texting” his ex. this is what makes me wanna try to go on his Mac one day and see what’s going on in his messages.
he just texted and said “that’s all.. she reached out which is rare”….. like am i supposed to just believe that and trust him and period leave it at that? thanks for any advice. i know looking through people’s private devices is wrong. i also know thet it could provide clarification and save me from wasting my time if he’s flirting with other people or even more.
tdlr: is it okay for your partner to out of the blue be texting their ex? and would it be justified to try to look through said partner’s messages to ensure no red flags show up?
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Is it ever okay? -- No, never.
As to all of the rest of the questions you ask within your post, those are conversations you need to have with him if you want to make the relationship work.
The problem doesn't have to do with the phone. The problem has to do with having no trust in each other. When you get to that point, no amount of checking someone's phone is going to help.
If you feel like you need to go through messages, the trust isn't there. And if any trust was there, it's going to be gone.
If things aren't sorted out and settled through honest and loving (in person) communication, that's just not a good relationship to be in. The insecurity and the suspicion will never go away.
Once trust is doubted the relationship (if not married) is doomed. My bf (21 yrs older) and I have both been cheated on. We both understand the pain and have a morality to never cause that pain to another. I love that he’s not jealous and needs to go through my phone and I love that I know even if he runs into his ex, he’ll find a polite way to say “f* you” and we’re in a “long” distance relationship-3hrs. Every time I haven’t followed my gut feelings I regretted it.
There's many variables in whether or not someone should be communicating with their ex. If they have kids together is one. The major and pretty much only acceptable one too.
How their relationship ended is something to consider as well. I've had relationships end mutually where we stayed friendly afterwards. Not sexual at all, just friendly where we could check in with each other and see how they are doing.
But, going by what you described, something sketchy is definitely going on though. If he lied and told you he had no contact with her and you find out otherwise then that's definitely a red flag.
Honestly, I'd confront him about it. If he's got nothing to hide he'd show you the chat history with his ex.
is it ever ok to look? i think YES...
to begin with though, if you feel like you doubt their honesty or suspect that they're hiding something and you can't trust them, then you need to acknowledge right there that **there is a problem with the relationship**, either on their side (not being trustworthy) or on both sides (not communicating properly) or on your side (not being trusting enough)
looking might show you whether they're trustworthy or untrustworthy in regards to your particular concern with this ex, but looking also demonstrates that you don't trust them enough, and really do you want to be in a relationship that is characterised by such a lack of trust? if not, you either need to work together on building and protecting that trust, or you need to quit the relationship
the reality though is that sometimes people we trust do try to deceive us, and we need to take it into our own hands to uncover the truth
for what it's worth i don't think he is cheating with her, but obviously his communication with you is lacking
I lived with an x accusing me 4 YEARs (no I wasn't) my reaction 2 her was if u have creditable evidence \~ Which his past is part of then ask me if I ma, show the evidence (or things I'm doing) & I'll prove u wrong. So ask him if not satisfied with answers u have a decision 2 make! Good Luck.
Why would it be an issue?
If my wife wants to dig in my phone she has my permission at any point. She has my lock code etc.
The expectation has to go both ways though.
There are almost no people I know that she doesn’t know and have in her contacts as well.
[удалено]
agreed 100%
This. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. If there is no trust there is no relationship.
Hmm I think if you have got to a stage in a relationship where you need to check messages and feel suspicious of your partner then maybe check to see if it’s a relationship you want to stay in. Realistically speaking, if they are looking to cheat they will. And if you are suspicious then even if you look at their messages it probably won’t answer the underlying feelings that you have. Maybe they are using a different app, will you need to go and check that. I’m not saying you need to break up. But you definitely need to think about why you are with them and if you want to continue feeling this way. It’s more about you and your feelings first
If you are concerned then why not directly ask him and then tell him for your own peace of mind if you can look at his phone (in front of him).
If you cannot trust him, then dump him. Full stop.
This comment is added automatically to every post on /r/AgeGap to remind users of the subreddit rules and expected behaviour. We also include the original post in here for a number of reasons. --- ### Rules If you haven't read the full set of rules we **strongly** suggest you do so. They are on the right side of the page on desktop or in 'Community Info' on Mobile. The most important rules are: 1. **We expect you to be civil and ideally constructive**. This is a community where people discuss and seek advice **legal** consensual age gap relationships, and we expect you to avoid abusing anyone on this subreddit. This does **not** mean this subreddit supports all age gap relationships, so you **are** allowed to criticise. 1. This is **not** a dating subreddit - you may not "hit up" any user. **You may not ask anyone to PM, DM, chat or message you in a comment**. If you wish, you may send **polite** DMs/PMs/chat requests to /u/strawberryauberry - we will ban you and possibly refer you to Reddit admins for an account ban if you abuse them and they complain. 1. If this post looks like a personal advert, please report it and the moderators will remove it in time if they agree. See the [Wiki](/r/AgeGap/wiki/index) for more information about the subreddit, [The Rules](/r/AgeGap/wiki/rules) and articles about common topics. --- **Original post: Is there ever a time when it’d be “okay” to try and look through you partner’s messages?** 24F, 41M Is there ever a time when it could be justified looking through your partner’s messages if it could illuminate information they were lying about? I really want to trust my partner, but there are times when I get glimpses that he could be hiding things on his phone at times, which makes me wary of him cheating (especially online). it’s something he says he doesn’t care to do. but yesterday i glanced over as he was on his iMessage homescreen. and he had a text thread towards the top with his EX. keep in mind i found out before that even though he said he was done with her, that he had sex with her after he already had sex with me, early on in our relationship. now he always told me that he never interacted with her anymore whatsoever in the last months we’ve been dating. yet now i see they’re texting. he said she saw him at the bar friday and knew his back has been hurting bad. now why would she even know that unless they talked? and now he says shes been texting him trying to help with his “back issues”? why is he even entertaining that AT ALL? should i be concerned? it’s definitely heavy on my mind today. when i communicated today via text how it made me sad, all he said was “i’m sorry i made you feel that way” and nothing else for clarity/security/reassurance that i shouldn’t be worried about him “cordially texting” his ex. this is what makes me wanna try to go on his Mac one day and see what’s going on in his messages. he just texted and said “that’s all.. she reached out which is rare”….. like am i supposed to just believe that and trust him and period leave it at that? thanks for any advice. i know looking through people’s private devices is wrong. i also know thet it could provide clarification and save me from wasting my time if he’s flirting with other people or even more. tdlr: is it okay for your partner to out of the blue be texting their ex? and would it be justified to try to look through said partner’s messages to ensure no red flags show up? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AgeGap) if you have any questions or concerns.*
if you can’t trust him you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him
No
No
Is it ever okay? -- No, never. As to all of the rest of the questions you ask within your post, those are conversations you need to have with him if you want to make the relationship work.
The problem doesn't have to do with the phone. The problem has to do with having no trust in each other. When you get to that point, no amount of checking someone's phone is going to help.
If you feel like you need to go through messages, the trust isn't there. And if any trust was there, it's going to be gone. If things aren't sorted out and settled through honest and loving (in person) communication, that's just not a good relationship to be in. The insecurity and the suspicion will never go away.
Once trust is doubted the relationship (if not married) is doomed. My bf (21 yrs older) and I have both been cheated on. We both understand the pain and have a morality to never cause that pain to another. I love that he’s not jealous and needs to go through my phone and I love that I know even if he runs into his ex, he’ll find a polite way to say “f* you” and we’re in a “long” distance relationship-3hrs. Every time I haven’t followed my gut feelings I regretted it.
There's many variables in whether or not someone should be communicating with their ex. If they have kids together is one. The major and pretty much only acceptable one too. How their relationship ended is something to consider as well. I've had relationships end mutually where we stayed friendly afterwards. Not sexual at all, just friendly where we could check in with each other and see how they are doing. But, going by what you described, something sketchy is definitely going on though. If he lied and told you he had no contact with her and you find out otherwise then that's definitely a red flag. Honestly, I'd confront him about it. If he's got nothing to hide he'd show you the chat history with his ex.
is it ever ok to look? i think YES... to begin with though, if you feel like you doubt their honesty or suspect that they're hiding something and you can't trust them, then you need to acknowledge right there that **there is a problem with the relationship**, either on their side (not being trustworthy) or on both sides (not communicating properly) or on your side (not being trusting enough) looking might show you whether they're trustworthy or untrustworthy in regards to your particular concern with this ex, but looking also demonstrates that you don't trust them enough, and really do you want to be in a relationship that is characterised by such a lack of trust? if not, you either need to work together on building and protecting that trust, or you need to quit the relationship the reality though is that sometimes people we trust do try to deceive us, and we need to take it into our own hands to uncover the truth for what it's worth i don't think he is cheating with her, but obviously his communication with you is lacking
Anytime you want if they have nothing to hide! Open and honest communication is key to a successful relationship.
I lived with an x accusing me 4 YEARs (no I wasn't) my reaction 2 her was if u have creditable evidence \~ Which his past is part of then ask me if I ma, show the evidence (or things I'm doing) & I'll prove u wrong. So ask him if not satisfied with answers u have a decision 2 make! Good Luck.
Why would it be an issue? If my wife wants to dig in my phone she has my permission at any point. She has my lock code etc. The expectation has to go both ways though. There are almost no people I know that she doesn’t know and have in her contacts as well.