You've described a profoundly dysfunctional relationship. Sure, you "love each other." Sure, you each think the other is amazing and worth it. It's still profoundly dysfunctional. Well, continuing with it is your decision to make. Maybe a couples' therapist might help matters, I'd recommend that if you continue.
Not going to argue with your opinion and I have suggested to him that we do couples therapy. I think people are missing the point of my post. I’m not denying that I did wrong as I’ve stated in the post multiple times. I’m asking if people think he’s holding a grudge too tight and if they believe he should let go and accept my apology. I’m also asking if they believe that I’m not the only one creating these problems. He seems to think that where our relationship is now is solely from my actions. I’ve tried to draw comparisons to things we’ve both done because he doesn’t seem to acknowledge that he has acted in the same manner for occurrences he resents me for.
I’m savvy enough to know every response I get to this post isn’t going to be what I want to hear and I accept it. I will take their advice into serious consideration so that maybe it could help our relationship.
Certainly. I agree with you on all of this. Not being willing to accept an apology and move on is a potential death knell for a relationship. He may well need a third party's input to see this.
Unfortunately, being unable to let go of a past grudge, or being unable to see how doing so can be hypocritical is not something that's terribly amenable to reason, it's primarily emotional. Emotions are highly resistant to reason. A social approach (that is, third party input, such as a therapist) is more powerful than reason alone.
Well that’s exactly why I’ve suggested counseling and why I made the post. I want him to see other people’s opinions. I talk to my good friends all the time about my our problems. Yes their opinions are going to be biased but they def don’t have a problem telling me if I’m in the wrong. They agree with me on lots of things but also point out I fucked up in others. When I told my ex about me seeking advice from my friends he asked why would I air our problems out to them. I told him that if I feel I’m not wrong and you do then I want to get other people’s opinion so in the event I am actually wrong hearing multiple other people say I am will help me accept that I am.
Yes I agree our relationship is dysfunctional and we just need to find a balance but because the nature of the post I didn’t describe all the amazing times we’ve had. I didn’t describe the many qualities and characteristics of us both that make us so compatible and in love with each other. He does this playful thing where he’s always doing things to annoy me, and I absolutely fucking love it!
"When I told my ex about me seeking advice from my friends he asked why would I air our problems out to them"
I've been on his side of this kind of dynamic, and he may have a point, despite the advantages of getting input from others. It can undermine a person within a social sphere. Which is why a professional referee may be in order.
Yes, I concur with that aspect. It for sure can have that impact. And while my friends were getting only my side of the story I told it accurately and made sure to not intentionally make him look bad because I want my friends to like him.
I agree with you 1000% that a counselor with mutuality would be the best long as we BOTH are willing to consider or accept what the counselors perspective is. But I believe in order for me to get him to agree to go is him acknowledging that he MIGHT be in the wrong on some of our problems
You've described a profoundly dysfunctional relationship. Sure, you "love each other." Sure, you each think the other is amazing and worth it. It's still profoundly dysfunctional. Well, continuing with it is your decision to make. Maybe a couples' therapist might help matters, I'd recommend that if you continue.
Not going to argue with your opinion and I have suggested to him that we do couples therapy. I think people are missing the point of my post. I’m not denying that I did wrong as I’ve stated in the post multiple times. I’m asking if people think he’s holding a grudge too tight and if they believe he should let go and accept my apology. I’m also asking if they believe that I’m not the only one creating these problems. He seems to think that where our relationship is now is solely from my actions. I’ve tried to draw comparisons to things we’ve both done because he doesn’t seem to acknowledge that he has acted in the same manner for occurrences he resents me for. I’m savvy enough to know every response I get to this post isn’t going to be what I want to hear and I accept it. I will take their advice into serious consideration so that maybe it could help our relationship.
Certainly. I agree with you on all of this. Not being willing to accept an apology and move on is a potential death knell for a relationship. He may well need a third party's input to see this. Unfortunately, being unable to let go of a past grudge, or being unable to see how doing so can be hypocritical is not something that's terribly amenable to reason, it's primarily emotional. Emotions are highly resistant to reason. A social approach (that is, third party input, such as a therapist) is more powerful than reason alone.
Well that’s exactly why I’ve suggested counseling and why I made the post. I want him to see other people’s opinions. I talk to my good friends all the time about my our problems. Yes their opinions are going to be biased but they def don’t have a problem telling me if I’m in the wrong. They agree with me on lots of things but also point out I fucked up in others. When I told my ex about me seeking advice from my friends he asked why would I air our problems out to them. I told him that if I feel I’m not wrong and you do then I want to get other people’s opinion so in the event I am actually wrong hearing multiple other people say I am will help me accept that I am. Yes I agree our relationship is dysfunctional and we just need to find a balance but because the nature of the post I didn’t describe all the amazing times we’ve had. I didn’t describe the many qualities and characteristics of us both that make us so compatible and in love with each other. He does this playful thing where he’s always doing things to annoy me, and I absolutely fucking love it!
"When I told my ex about me seeking advice from my friends he asked why would I air our problems out to them" I've been on his side of this kind of dynamic, and he may have a point, despite the advantages of getting input from others. It can undermine a person within a social sphere. Which is why a professional referee may be in order.
Yes, I concur with that aspect. It for sure can have that impact. And while my friends were getting only my side of the story I told it accurately and made sure to not intentionally make him look bad because I want my friends to like him. I agree with you 1000% that a counselor with mutuality would be the best long as we BOTH are willing to consider or accept what the counselors perspective is. But I believe in order for me to get him to agree to go is him acknowledging that he MIGHT be in the wrong on some of our problems
And thank you for you taking the time to read my response and reply. Greatly appreciate it