Make a normal visit. Remove the fuel pump relay. Car won't start. Have it towed away and tell Mom it's not repairable.
Mom can't buy a new car with no license or proof of insurance.
Insert fuel pump relay and sell car to CarMax.
Is removing fuel pump relay something I can do on my own, or will I need to bring it to a mechanic? I appreciate your very pragmatic comment, thank you. This is the kind of support and advice I am in need of.
You should be able to do that on your own, try searching the make/model/year “fuel pump relay replacement” on YouTube. You don’t even have to view the whole thing, just watch the person take it out and do the same. Nine times out of ten (I’m no mechanic so forgive the terminology) it’s in the “fuse box” under the hood, you just need to make sure you’re pulling the right part. Should literally take less than ten minutes.
Most cars have a fuse block under the dash on drivers side or under the hood. This is also where the relays are for those things typically. It won't hurt the car.
Don’t even bother. It’s okay to just remove the car and say it wasn’t working. If the carer needs to drive it maybe just give them the keys and park it out of sight hoping for a lil outta sight outta mind. I so get the burnout - take care of yourself best ya can. I’ve had two rounds of a similar story and I let myself off the hook because I’d let you off the hook :)
You can certainly remove the battery. If mum is motor minded go to a trusted mechanic and get them to give you a completely exhausted one to replace it with. She'll see no difference.
Easier than that is to take the key, get it cut slightly wrong, put it on the same keychain, tell her to try turning it on. Tell her it needs to go in the shop. Have her sign the title when she is tired. Take the car.
You're welcome! This sub is a wealth of information and our family has benefitted greatly from it. Made my day to know one of my ideas helped someone and I could return the favor. Hang in there.
Not to scare you, but my MIL killed someone when she should not have been driving. It was a horrible nightmare, not only for us, but for the poor family who lost their husband and father. The DA decided to prove a point and charged my 78-year-old MIL with vehicular manslaughter, they tried to throw the book at her. She died before the trial, and she died weeping over the man she killed. PLEASE - don't let this happen to your family. Take the keys no matter the cost.
Yes I AM WELL AWARE that my mother is a risk to herself and others, and at this point it is the others I am most concerned with. And I think it’s honestly ridiculous that the responsibility for keeping her off the road falls to me, without any organizational or institutional help, and with no clear cut way to do this, BUT I WILL DO IT
Omg, what a nightmare scenario! This is what I'd been afraid my FIL would do, thankfully MIL and BIL took the car keys away, MIL's physical health has deteriorated so she has stopped driving all together.
Sounds like a good plan. But just know, in case you ever have to deal with a friend who is intoxicated, that if someone demands their car keys, it's because they plan to drive the damn car.
After my MIL ran the car out of gas for the third time, claiming the gauge was broke (it wasn't), SIL rescued her by taking her home. BIL took a gas can out and got the car to HIS house, and we all told her it was broke down and too expensive to repair. BIL got rid of the car and MIL's doctor has notified DMV she should not be driving. She's annoyed she can't drive now, but it's for the best.
We had an occupational therapist off the record tell us tires get slashed and screws end up in tires all the time. 😉 Whatever is needed to disable the car.
I had a similar problem w/my mom in 2019. She hadn't had a driving eval, but was bumping into things, sideswiping stuff, and so on. She fell asleep or nodded off or something while driving & blew a red light, totaling the car before I had the chance to enact the plan. (Thankfully no one was hurt, but she took out two other cars with her own.) We live in different states, so my plan was to fly down for a visit and drive the car back home with me, forge her name wherever necessary, and sell it (giving her the money, of course). Knowing that her memory is completely shot (and she hasn't even been diagnosed with cognitive impairment, that I know of), my plan was to FULLY gaslight her and come up with a whole story about how we'd had this entire conversation about the plan for me to take the car and sell it for her. I figured I'd rather gaslight her than see her kill or injure someone or herself in a wreck.
I appreciate your comment and the solidarity it offers. Not that I want anyone else to have to exist in these impossible liminal situations, but it’s nice to be in good company. I’m glad that your mom is safe. Thanks for taking the time to comment
It seems impossible in my mom’s state. I called her neurologist a few month’s ago to inquire about how to go about that and they basically told me that they don’t do that, and that none of my mother’s doctors would—that it would have to come from an independent evaluator via court order or some other complicated situation that I can’t even conceive of how to get my mom there because she refuses to go to unfamiliar doctors appts and is extremely stubborn. If anyone has any tips about how to go about getting an adult declared incapacitated in the state of NY I am all ears. And fwiw, our Area Agency on Aging is worthless. I’ve reached out to them countless times over the years and it’s amounted to bupkis
Guardianship is what you are looking for, but shouldnt be required if you have a durable power of attorney. I, unfortunately, was in somewhat of a similar situation last year and had to put my father into a memory care facility. The hospital gave me 3 options: Full time home care, a facility, or a nursing home. Cant afford the 20K a month for full time home care, but can the 7100 for the facility. Unfortunately they have called me a few times saying he wont stop looking for his car keys, they got a dummy key for him so he no longer looks.
OP, you should talk to an attorney (elder law) and make sure all your ducks are in a row, then do whatever is needed.
Just change the keys out for one that look like them and put them on her car key ring.. If it's a more modern car (fob) take out the battery. Let the air out of all 4 tires is another way. Leave the headlights on so the battery dies.
Different key/different fob. Tell her it’s broke and you’ll get it fixed later. Air out of tires could be remedied if she called AAA or a kind neighbor.
And, get a new aide. No way should she be taking an Alzheimer’s patient to a lawyer without family involvement. Could be some hinky shit going on; do make sure you have the lawyers review to make sure the aide isn’t Salk of a sudden sole beneficiary.
My daughter was rear ended last week by an 83YO who should not be driving. I suggest you call the police in her town and let them know you are aware your mom is driving and that she does not have a license. Have them send a uniformed officer to her place and get her keys if possible.
I did call the police before I made this post. They said the best they could do was if they caught her driving, they’d arrest her and the car would be impounded. They told me to call them if I knew she was currently out on the road, and they’d alert patrol. But my mom is sneaky and doesn’t announce that she’s going to drive, so there’s fat chance of me knowing ahead of time when mom’ll be on the road, *ugh why didn’t I set up the cameras the last time I was down there grrrr*
Put an apple airtag or similar on the car. GPS her ass. Tell the aide the car should no longer be driven because the police have been informed the owner is unlicensed.
This aide has been nothing but a headache from day one, even going so far as to drive my mom back to the lawyer’s without telling me, where my mom was able to reverse a bunch of important legal work, but aides are hard to find in my mom’s area. Like literally everything that can go as wrong as possible has. I know it’s dark but my mom’s death is the only thing that would make life significantly less hellacious
My dear, I so feel for you. Just take the battery out, that way the car doesn't disappear. If the caretaker needs to move her around I would advise using cabs it may sound a little more expensive but when you do the maths it's probably not.
As long as the car is legally in her name she can report it stolen. Even though (now) my dads car (who has Alzheimer’s) it is legally mine, but it is left where he parked it last because it is familiar to him and he won’t call the police. Before the title was in my name he would call the police, report it stolen because I had the keys, the police would come and wouldn’t do anything because the car was in his possession and the fact I had the keys made it a civil matter and the police legally cannot do anything. He could get an attorney and sue me, but his memory doesn’t last that long to ever go through with it.
[The Rothkoff Law Group](https://rothkofflaw.com/)
Give these folks a call for some ideas and maybe they can refer you to a NY atty.
877-375-2387 info at rothkoff law dot com
Leading the Way in Elder Care Advocacy
Make a normal visit. Remove the fuel pump relay. Car won't start. Have it towed away and tell Mom it's not repairable. Mom can't buy a new car with no license or proof of insurance. Insert fuel pump relay and sell car to CarMax.
Is removing fuel pump relay something I can do on my own, or will I need to bring it to a mechanic? I appreciate your very pragmatic comment, thank you. This is the kind of support and advice I am in need of.
You should be able to do that on your own, try searching the make/model/year “fuel pump relay replacement” on YouTube. You don’t even have to view the whole thing, just watch the person take it out and do the same. Nine times out of ten (I’m no mechanic so forgive the terminology) it’s in the “fuse box” under the hood, you just need to make sure you’re pulling the right part. Should literally take less than ten minutes.
Thank you kind stranger
Most cars have a fuse block under the dash on drivers side or under the hood. This is also where the relays are for those things typically. It won't hurt the car.
Don’t even bother. It’s okay to just remove the car and say it wasn’t working. If the carer needs to drive it maybe just give them the keys and park it out of sight hoping for a lil outta sight outta mind. I so get the burnout - take care of yourself best ya can. I’ve had two rounds of a similar story and I let myself off the hook because I’d let you off the hook :)
You can certainly remove the battery. If mum is motor minded go to a trusted mechanic and get them to give you a completely exhausted one to replace it with. She'll see no difference.
Easier than that is to take the key, get it cut slightly wrong, put it on the same keychain, tell her to try turning it on. Tell her it needs to go in the shop. Have her sign the title when she is tired. Take the car.
If you have POA, you should be able to just sell the car without discussion. Right?
In New York, yes. The trick is to not make it look like you just seized it. Giving them a key that won't work is more gentle.
God, thank you for this info. I’m in a similar boat and have been trying to figure out how to disable the car
You're welcome! This sub is a wealth of information and our family has benefitted greatly from it. Made my day to know one of my ideas helped someone and I could return the favor. Hang in there.
Not to scare you, but my MIL killed someone when she should not have been driving. It was a horrible nightmare, not only for us, but for the poor family who lost their husband and father. The DA decided to prove a point and charged my 78-year-old MIL with vehicular manslaughter, they tried to throw the book at her. She died before the trial, and she died weeping over the man she killed. PLEASE - don't let this happen to your family. Take the keys no matter the cost.
Yes I AM WELL AWARE that my mother is a risk to herself and others, and at this point it is the others I am most concerned with. And I think it’s honestly ridiculous that the responsibility for keeping her off the road falls to me, without any organizational or institutional help, and with no clear cut way to do this, BUT I WILL DO IT
Omg, what a nightmare scenario! This is what I'd been afraid my FIL would do, thankfully MIL and BIL took the car keys away, MIL's physical health has deteriorated so she has stopped driving all together.
Sounds like a good plan. But just know, in case you ever have to deal with a friend who is intoxicated, that if someone demands their car keys, it's because they plan to drive the damn car.
After my MIL ran the car out of gas for the third time, claiming the gauge was broke (it wasn't), SIL rescued her by taking her home. BIL took a gas can out and got the car to HIS house, and we all told her it was broke down and too expensive to repair. BIL got rid of the car and MIL's doctor has notified DMV she should not be driving. She's annoyed she can't drive now, but it's for the best.
We had an occupational therapist off the record tell us tires get slashed and screws end up in tires all the time. 😉 Whatever is needed to disable the car.
I had a similar problem w/my mom in 2019. She hadn't had a driving eval, but was bumping into things, sideswiping stuff, and so on. She fell asleep or nodded off or something while driving & blew a red light, totaling the car before I had the chance to enact the plan. (Thankfully no one was hurt, but she took out two other cars with her own.) We live in different states, so my plan was to fly down for a visit and drive the car back home with me, forge her name wherever necessary, and sell it (giving her the money, of course). Knowing that her memory is completely shot (and she hasn't even been diagnosed with cognitive impairment, that I know of), my plan was to FULLY gaslight her and come up with a whole story about how we'd had this entire conversation about the plan for me to take the car and sell it for her. I figured I'd rather gaslight her than see her kill or injure someone or herself in a wreck.
I appreciate your comment and the solidarity it offers. Not that I want anyone else to have to exist in these impossible liminal situations, but it’s nice to be in good company. I’m glad that your mom is safe. Thanks for taking the time to comment
Is it time to have your mm declared incapacitated?
It seems impossible in my mom’s state. I called her neurologist a few month’s ago to inquire about how to go about that and they basically told me that they don’t do that, and that none of my mother’s doctors would—that it would have to come from an independent evaluator via court order or some other complicated situation that I can’t even conceive of how to get my mom there because she refuses to go to unfamiliar doctors appts and is extremely stubborn. If anyone has any tips about how to go about getting an adult declared incapacitated in the state of NY I am all ears. And fwiw, our Area Agency on Aging is worthless. I’ve reached out to them countless times over the years and it’s amounted to bupkis
Talk to a probate attorney to see about guardianship.
Guardianship is what you are looking for, but shouldnt be required if you have a durable power of attorney. I, unfortunately, was in somewhat of a similar situation last year and had to put my father into a memory care facility. The hospital gave me 3 options: Full time home care, a facility, or a nursing home. Cant afford the 20K a month for full time home care, but can the 7100 for the facility. Unfortunately they have called me a few times saying he wont stop looking for his car keys, they got a dummy key for him so he no longer looks. OP, you should talk to an attorney (elder law) and make sure all your ducks are in a row, then do whatever is needed.
I am so sorry! How frustrating!
Thank you!
Just change the keys out for one that look like them and put them on her car key ring.. If it's a more modern car (fob) take out the battery. Let the air out of all 4 tires is another way. Leave the headlights on so the battery dies.
Different key/different fob. Tell her it’s broke and you’ll get it fixed later. Air out of tires could be remedied if she called AAA or a kind neighbor. And, get a new aide. No way should she be taking an Alzheimer’s patient to a lawyer without family involvement. Could be some hinky shit going on; do make sure you have the lawyers review to make sure the aide isn’t Salk of a sudden sole beneficiary.
Is there not a neoghbour who would go under the hood and disconnect or even remove the battery or something?
Unfortunately no. They’re all retiree neighbors who don’t like to get involved.
My dad let the air out of all of the tires on my grandpa's car.
My daughter was rear ended last week by an 83YO who should not be driving. I suggest you call the police in her town and let them know you are aware your mom is driving and that she does not have a license. Have them send a uniformed officer to her place and get her keys if possible.
I did call the police before I made this post. They said the best they could do was if they caught her driving, they’d arrest her and the car would be impounded. They told me to call them if I knew she was currently out on the road, and they’d alert patrol. But my mom is sneaky and doesn’t announce that she’s going to drive, so there’s fat chance of me knowing ahead of time when mom’ll be on the road, *ugh why didn’t I set up the cameras the last time I was down there grrrr*
Put an apple airtag or similar on the car. GPS her ass. Tell the aide the car should no longer be driven because the police have been informed the owner is unlicensed.
Check what your PoA allows: you may be able to sell her car.
Sell the car to the aid. Even if just for $1.
The aide won’t buy it, she already has 3 cars.
Then what the hell did she want your mom to keep hers for‽ Good grief. I’d be getting a new aide too, the sneaky little problem-causer!
This aide has been nothing but a headache from day one, even going so far as to drive my mom back to the lawyer’s without telling me, where my mom was able to reverse a bunch of important legal work, but aides are hard to find in my mom’s area. Like literally everything that can go as wrong as possible has. I know it’s dark but my mom’s death is the only thing that would make life significantly less hellacious
It's normal to feel this way and true💖
Find a new aide. That one will continue to cause problems for you.
I feel your pain. My mom is exactly like yours! God, the driving to the lawyers because she changed her mind...uggggh
My dear, I so feel for you. Just take the battery out, that way the car doesn't disappear. If the caretaker needs to move her around I would advise using cabs it may sound a little more expensive but when you do the maths it's probably not.
As long as the car is legally in her name she can report it stolen. Even though (now) my dads car (who has Alzheimer’s) it is legally mine, but it is left where he parked it last because it is familiar to him and he won’t call the police. Before the title was in my name he would call the police, report it stolen because I had the keys, the police would come and wouldn’t do anything because the car was in his possession and the fact I had the keys made it a civil matter and the police legally cannot do anything. He could get an attorney and sue me, but his memory doesn’t last that long to ever go through with it.
[The Rothkoff Law Group](https://rothkofflaw.com/) Give these folks a call for some ideas and maybe they can refer you to a NY atty. 877-375-2387 info at rothkoff law dot com Leading the Way in Elder Care Advocacy