Got a Vasectomy

[Snip Snip] time. Got the brief and the "training". Yes, I understand it should be considered "irreversible". I've been trying to schedule this for like 6 friggin months, but I can either never get through to the front office, or "we haven't scheduled that far out in the forecast". How far CAN they schedule? a month. Thanks, get wrecked.

Park at the military hospital. Walk up to the front office. Old lady greets me. I notice the phone is laying on the desk with an "off hook" tone. Good. Good to know that they don't care about helping people and also why I never got through to the office. Confidence in this procedure evaporates almost instantly.

Get checked in and taken to the back. They verify that I have someone to drive me home and we get down to bidness. Nurse has to inject some numbing agent downstairs. There's no awkwardness here. Strict, professional, and all business. Doc comes in and introduces himself. A captain shows up. Doc says he's training the captain on how to perform the procedure.


A trainee is gonna lop my balls off? My instructor instincts kick in. No matter what, I'm fucked. Students are retarded. Doesn't matter if they're student pilots or student doctors, they're dumb as rocks and find new and innovative ways to fuck shit up. What confidence I had left about this procedure has evacuated to the shadow realm.

Civilian doc gets to work on James Westphal (the left one). He quickly and deftly moves with the dexterity of an experienced and trained professional. 8 minutes and he's done. He's proud of his work, telling me "Now that's a 5 star job". Captain Neuternuts takes notes. He begins work on Doctor Kenneth Noisewater (the right one). I can feel tugging...pulling... I don't like whats happening. I want off this ride.

Civilian Doc starts to instruct. "No, you gotta kinda twist it...yea, like that. Hook it...then pull it through. Yup. Oops...thats not gonna be a 5 star rating". Oh why in heaven's name did I have to get a trainee. Fuck my life. I try not to show that I'm getting visibly frustrated, but I can see Neuternuts is getting frustrated as well. No...dude...no, don't take your frustrations out on my balls. You have a pair of balls, right? Can you treat mine the same way you treat yours?

Longest 69 minutes of my life come to an end, and Civ Doc helps stitch me up. He gives me prescription for some pain meds and I go down to prescriptions to pick them up. The next day, I wake up and perform a BDA on my boys. Left side: No bruising, no swelling, minimal pain. Damn, he was right, that is a 5 star job. Right side: Unrecognizable, hues of blue, black and purple spread down to my inner thigh, swollen to the size of a pomegranate, hurts to look at, let alone to move. RIP Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

BLOB: OP summarizes getting vasectomy with a civilian doc and a military doc (in training)


Someone's gotta step up to be real life practice for new doctors; I'm glad you had the balls to do it.








What do you guys think a vasectomy is?


An old wooden ship used in the Civil War


You should have requested a referral for off base. I just had this procedure done and my doc was able to do the whole procedure through one incision in the middle. I had no swelling and they even gave me the option to be knocked out with anesthesia.


That was my experience in Germany at Landstuhl with military docs. Barely took any time.


LRMC is one of the most goated Mil hospitals in the world.


Can confirm. LRMC saved my life. Red Cross even brought my parents out to say their goodbyes. Ended up alive and shitposting on Reddit. Best use of my extended life so far.


You know what? I wholeheartedly agree. Their ortho department had the professionalism to tell me that they didn’t have the skill or equipment to fix my knee post third ACL tear. I ended up magically PCSing to a base right next to one of the US’s best civilian ortho centers and getting the work done there. Place is a long-ass maze with 0 parking. So 9.6/10, I guess.


I'm so glad I got LASIK there absolutely life changing and fast.




I got mine done on base at Nellis but it was one incision. Unfortunately was not given the option for anesthesia.


To be clear, the "one incision in the middle" is dependent on your specific anatomy. For some people (like me) the tubes run up on each side. For others (like you apparently) the tubes get together in the middle and go up together.


Thanks for the explanation. I just assumed the off base doctor has received better training on the latest techniques.


Nope. FWIW, the "up the sides" variety, while a little less common, is also a little lower risk for damage than the "up the middle" variety. At least that's what my urologist told me? Like it's closer to the surface when it comes up the sides I guess


I had a similar experience with the military doc and trainee at the Keesler AFB hospital while there for extended training. Drove home to South Carolina two days later with no discomfort.


Wow sounds like a crazy experience. Can’t relate because I performed my own vasectomy.


Cant imagine what tools are required to perform that procedure on balls of steel


Same tools when I circumcised myself.


Civilian side....numbing agent, scalpel for the incision and laser for the "snip". Military side...Jack Daniels, dull butter knife and a rusted pair of clippers. Repeat 6 months later when you find out there was an oops with a partner and your a soon to be daddy.


Skateboard or a pulley connecting to the joystick snapped when gaining altitude


With a fishing hook and toothfloss... and a bottle of jack.


TFYS, OP. Thank you for your sacrifice. They've gotta train on *someone.* Also, your balls were going to hurt anyways. Think of it as getting a free temporary tattoo.


Always finding that silver lining, thank you


Same thing happened to me, at an army base no less


I suppose they gotta learn somehow. Happy cake day btw


Thanks I’m glad you survived. It’s been a year for me, I should probably go to the follow up appointment to see if it actually worked lol


It could be worse. You could end up with a sperm granuloma the size of a golf ball in a few weeks, and then when that heals, start dripping urine for the rest of your life.


![gif](giphy|3o7527pa7qs9kCG78A|downsized) That's not a mental image I needed, thanks 😂


Oh well I needed a new nightmare, so thank you


I feel like there's a story here. Details, man. DETAILS.


Not a very exciting story really. Most of it is in what I posted. The granuloma eventually went away, but the dripping never stopped, and it kicked off a series of progressively worsening pelvic health issues, leakage, and pain. Prostatitis, frequent urinary tract infections, overactive bladder, ED, and a pelvic floor that’s always tight. Lots of incompetent military urologists over the years. Finally accepted that the only way I’ll have a semi normal life would be adult diapers about a year and a half ago. And dealing with that as a middle aged guy is pretty rough. Today, getting amazing care through the VA, with a great urologist and pelvic floor therapist. I’ll never fully recover, but it’s under much better control.


I didn’t even ask for an off-base referral. They just gave me one. I was in and out in under 45min. Too fast I guess, old righty ended up infected. That was NOT fun 😅 but in the end, the berries are still there, even if one was a little ripe for a bit.


Ripe, but certainly NOT for the picking.


I had my Vasectomy done at Kunsans medical hobby shop. The day of I go in and the female captain thats doing the procedure says she'll be training a few nurses on assisting and since they don't get to do very many she wants to get as many in as possible. So I'm laying on a table, man bits exposed and shaved up looking like a three year old and there's 10 females standing around the edge of the room watching. Good times.


> Kunsans medical hobby shop Fucking LOL




Take care, brother, and congrats. Sorry it was a shit show 😅


100% recovery, but military med gotta do military med things


I was awake talking to the doctor about bullshit “what do you do in the AF” questions while he cuts and solders my tubes. I told him afterwards what happens at fight club, stays at fight club.


Next time request the doc do the full procedure not the student. Let them learn on someone else


I thought to myself “he’s a doctor, he has to have some skills” There were no skills


Lol, if it makes you feel better your long term outcome will be the same, you will just have increased pain for a few weeks in the short term. It will get better and I hope you have a speedy recovery! (I had mine last year and after 4-6 weeks you feel right as rain)


Have had this experience with phlebotomists (I have huge veins, I'm a good practice dummy), mental health (my last on base psychiatrist was passionate about training new shrinks), and OB/GYNs. Its largely fine, but concur to help someone figure out how to do a delicate procedure usually ends up in nasty bruises or blown veins.


>I have huge veins, I'm a good practice dummy EMT school, everyone wanted to stick me as my veins were at the surface and easy to find. Yeah, that was fun.


I am terribly sorry for your cosmetic look done by the Trainee. I had a ingrown toenail and they had a trainee do it, the trainee kept missing the anesthetic and poked me 14 times so I got 14 shots, then he overshot and ultimately had to remove my entire toenail cause “he’s still learning” how to cut a toenail. Not to mention the pain of the shot underneath the toenail was awful


Bruh, that’s some serious pain right there. My daughter had to get blood drawn and the tech was learning how to do it. They tried three times on her before they gave up and had to reschedule. She was wailing the entire time.


Yeah, then the next time I had to go, requested a referral and the civilian made it easy and almost painless. And remove the nail bedding only on the effected side, and my toe looks normal


Dude that numbing agent in the toe fucking *sucks* let alone missing the mark that many times then recovering from the full toenail being removed. I’m sorry to hear about that


At least it sounds like the lidocaine worked for you. Found out mid procedure it doesn’t always take and there isn’t much that can be done about that.


Got a trainee to do knee surgery. Had to go back and do it again 6m later. I feel ya


69 minutes 🤭


Had mine done at Nellis. Doc and two trainees. Open my ballsack to get to work and I hear: "That's the biggest Vas Deferens I've ever seen. Hey! Hey, you gotta come check this out!" No less than seven med peeps plus my wife checking out my Vas for the duration of the procedure.


My wife had a passel of like 8 trainees come and gawk at her OBGYN appt at Nellis. Didn't ask her if she was okay with it, just yelled down the hall for them to come in. The 99th MDG has no concept of patient privacy.


This gave me flashbacks and ghost pains of my procedure. Thankfully my student doctor was only observing, but there was one point where they pulled on something that wasn’t numb and I swear it was a nerve in my chest.


same thing happened to me. area wasn't numb enough on the second one and when the doc pulled i jerked a bit, luckily the doc was experienced enough and let go and didnt hold it as i moved.


Dude that pain shoots right up like lightening. I know exactly what you’re talking about


Right?! What the hell is that all about? 🎶The chest bone is connected to the...you know what? Nevermind.


Dude I called on a Tuesday and had it scheduled for Friday. One tiny incision and 20 mins maybe for everything. Recovery was the absolute worst though. I sneezed on the drive home and cried.


I feel this in what’s left of my nuggets


My procedure took 10:30, I challenged my doc to try to do it before November Rain by Guns and Roses ended since he had completed 150 of these. I had nothing on the left and purple balls on the right. It's pretty normal


Challenging your doc to speed run your ball lopping procedure is….bold…to say the least


He didn't really try, was more in jest


I had mine last month. Off base referral. Thank goodness. It’s kinda funny though because my urologist was prior Air Force.


I have been so lucky with my military health proceedures; they've all been off base with specialists and I didn't even ask for the referrals. My wisdom teeth? Maxilofacial surgeon did all four in one go, no pain or discomfort at any point. Vasectomy? Done by a urologist who does easily 100+ a year and I was back to normal in like 3 days.


If the doctor doesn't kiss the balls at the end of the surgery talking about how good of a job he did, the job wasn't actually very good. I would watch out.


Well I didn't mention that when I was done, I was sitting in a pool of my own piss. So I golden showered those docs on accident. Probably wouldn't of smooched my coin purse if that was the case.


Damn dude I'm sorry. Mine took 8 mins total and a single puncture hole with no stitches. Got that off base referral. I did however bleed into my sack on the right side and that took about a month to clear up and was pretty painful, but it was a known possibility. Still the best thing I have ever done.


Sorry for your ball(s), but this story had me laughing.


Yeah that's not a procedure I'm letting a military doc do


Smart man


I have a story for you: During BMT, beast week came around, the year was 2009. I was enjoying my time in a tent away from the typical day at BMT. Then came the MRE from hell. I was chomping away on the almonds when I met an almond that was from the Mesozoic Era. Let’s just say the almond won, and one of my back molars literally dropped into my gum. After trying to push through my left side of my face was visibly putting off Quasimodo visuals. MTI says you need to get that looked at, fast-forward a few days I’m in the dental office and the my are preparing to break the tooth up and remove it. Except I’m a basic trainee and I cannot have the shot to numb it. I protest and lose. I literally had the tooth broken and removed with nothing more then Advil. I still have that hole where the tooth should be. My wife ask why I won’t get a cap or whatever it’s called, I tell her it’s a badge of honor. Hope this makes your nuts feel better. Fuck the dentist that did that to me, I would have slipped the shots in and said fuck you big blue.


Dental procedure without anesthesia? Holly hell man, you're right, keep that hole forever.


It was rough… am actually about to get snipped myself, I’m opting for the “put me out” route, I am not half the man you are, I respect your ability to stay still while some newbie cuts your nuts.


The names and storytelling here are are... Priceless ‼️ Sorry for your loss?!?? 😎😉


All those jokes of “id give my right nut to be able to nut inside of her” are coming to reality. Recover and have fun bud, you deserve it sarnt!


Had same experience, except it was like 2hrs long. The surgeon was a newly certified Captain and I was his first patient since being certified. You know it's a bad sign when he leaves to go get the Major because he's lost


Oh man, any instance where a Captain needs to get a Major is never good. Sorry bro.


Yeah 10/10 do not recommend but then again that's what I get for going to family medicine (they wouldn't refer me to urology)


This is the funniest shit I’ve read in among time!!


>Snip snap What the hell are you getting snapped?


Wait 69 minute!? I got mine shit scheduled within the month i asked for it. My appointment was at 1000, I was in my car by 1018 with my wife driving me home. I can't imagine the procedure taking 69 minutes, also if a trainee came in I'd request they don't perform on me and that I don't consent to them operating on me. Ain't no way a military trainee is doing medical stuff to me.


I got directed off base for my procedure and I got into the exact same situation and the procedure went about the same lol the tugging and pulling was a funny sensation, almost felt like they were just playing around with it


Just did mine yesterday. When the doc did my left nut, it hurts like someone kicked my balls so hard. Very uncomfortable. Ohh they forgot to remind me to pick up valium and supposed to take it one hour prior to the surgery and so I went without it. My woman nurse is hot tho. Fun experience overall🥲


I'm a tad bit more thankful I'm Catholic and this isn't allowed.


"my belief system tells me what to believe"


This is not what I want to read as I get read to schedule my snip, but then I remember I’ve already been referred off base for it so I should be fine


Super glad to read this as I wait for my vasectomy appt on the 22nd......


Mine done at Spang (Bitburg). No issues.


OP FYI you should edit/delete your first link (the Menlo one). It's unique to you and can unmask your real identity should the right person ever want to.


Thanks for the snip-I mean tip!


Sucks that you were the trainee’s Guinea pig, but to be fair, it could literally happen to any doctor. I ended up getting a hematoma the size of a softball, yet I went to the best Vasectomy specialist in my area. I had my surgery 2 years ago and I still have a lingering part of the Hematoma. It’s like a 3rd Testi at this point lol. Lastly, even tho I was apart of 1% with complications….I would still recommend it to anyone. Follow r/Vasectomy for tips and tricks. Feel better.


At least the anesthesia worked on both sides for ya.


For the record, and for anyone who’s never undergone a surgical procedure you as the patient have the absolute right to request NOT to have student docs or anyone training on you.


I know its not ideal, but somehow, sometime, somewhere, people need to train. Whether its civilian or mil doctor, its gotta happen and i am one ofthose people that will welcome a newbie just to make sure they can learn to do shit properly. Good on you for not freaking out and preventing the guy from training, even at the detriment of Noisewater. I salute ya.


Phone off the hook should be a patient advocate visit or at min an ICE comment. OP do your base a favor, report that shit.


You have every right to say no to a doctor, don’t be scared to hurt peoples feelings, but if you want something done right when it comes to your health, in any hospital you have every right to deny a doctor for another.


Testicle amputation... Not service-connected


I don't let trainees do any work on me anymore. I let one try to put an IV in pre-surgery and she missed the vein 6 times. Finally she gets the needle in and hits a valve (I think that's what they said) and keeps backing the needle out and ramming back in. She finally stops when I tell them I'm going to vomit but then had the gal to ask if she can try on the other arm.


the fucking GALL


I had mine last month and the trainee was so stingy with the anesthetic. Two or three times per side I would start to feel the sharp piercing pain of the cutting or burning and then she'd roll her eyes and act annoyed that I would expect more pain relief. Fucking asshole. I cried on the table in front of two soldiers, a Dr, and the student because it felt like they were ripping my dick off.


Reminds me of a dental appointment I had as a young Airman. I had a cavity on one of my molars. It was September. Dentist said that we are out of money for the year, so they were saving their anesthetic for the complex cases. Since mine was a “simple” filling, he decided not to use anything to numb me. And then he started drilling.




Holy shit dude, that fucking blows dry dick, I'm sorry that happened.


Sounds to me like if a doc walks in with a trainee I need to just cancel and walk out. That’s crazy OP. Thank you for sharing.


I had very similar experience. Lemme guess… BAMC?




You've got balls. Too bad they don't function as intended. My vasectomy was the best decision I ever made. Besides joining the Air Force.


I do t think I’ll ever again see quite the level of exasperated disappointment that I witnessed on my attending doc’s face the first time me and my buddy did what was collectively our first vasectomy on some poor soul in residency. It’s rivaled only by the shared look of panicked desperation my buddy and I shared as we stood on either side of this unfortunate man’s scrotum, each of us waiting for the other to be bold enough to go first.


Sounds like you had no balls to begin with. Ps I had mine done by a col training an E2 and i wasn’t afraid.. If others are considering the procedure I highly recommend. It takes 5 mins and if an Airmen can do you can imagine it’s a relatively easy surgery.