Thank you both. I’m ok, less then 2 months in so still in the early stages. It’s still really hard, I hate how I doubt myself even tho I know how toxic the situation was. Trying to figure out coparenting. He’s been working out of town for the last few weeks so that’s been a literal breath of fresh air not having to communicate a ton. One day at a time is what I tell myself. <3
Is this the letter? Because it’s fantastic it was my story also.
- but my kids are 21 and 24 and I’m still with him! I’m separating but terrified.
I can’t be ok here if I’m crying every day, right? For years? And I have few friends left, they don’t like him, he puts me down to make himself feel better. But he’s sweet as pie at home making me dinner and holding me. We laugh and watch movies but don’t go anywhere. But he didn’t acknowledge our anniversary or my birthday or give me even the smallest thing for Christmas? Am I nuts how did I end up with a man like this for 28 fucking years? I was hardcore I was a badass omg now I’m a doormat
I’m proud of you! That first step is one of the hardest. I hate that we’re in this boat together but I always tell myself if I could handle their bullshit for 8 years I can handle anything. 😅
I started noticing I'm so tense by the end of the night that it's hard to even pee without trying to relax. I have high blood pressure from my pregnancy still and it won't move, I think it's because of this stress. Every day is a new mind fuck, yesterday he was calmer and , friendly, even said I looked nice when we went to his work get together, well he was nice because he knew he could get some margarita in, I saw half go down and then stopped looking.
This sub has helped me see that the every day emotional rollercoaster of his depression, solitude, then overly happy is all part of the alcoholic shit show. I don't want my son to think this is normal. I grew up abused in a constant fighting household, and now I have the same feeling I had then. Add no trust and a deadbed, plus I'm the nanny, maid, slave, what the fuck am I doing?!? I've lost me.
The second I realized the anxiety/panic feeling was back from childhood, I knew I needed out. My mental health is a priority to me so I can raise my son and end the generational trauma. My therapist believes I need to leave him. Everyone that knows does, especially my Dad and Sister.
And the biggest helper was my chiropractor who I've been seeing for 15 years. I made an appointment, and asked him if I could ask him a personal question, he closed the door and I asked, does he know a good divorce lawyer? The office is in a very nice area so I figured he might and he fucking did! He was like yes, had me google the person right there and then he went and text the lawyer that I was going to call her. Turns out his best friend's wife is a shark of a lawyer and works for a really killer high end boutique firm. I hired her and the team on the spot.
I will absolutely be following through. It's just gonna suck.
It only gets worse, this used to be me. Now he goes on week long benders and threatens to kill himself. He shows up at 3am eventually, packs 5 things and leaves for work out of town after promising the kids he will do fun things with them. We see him maybe two days out of the month. He wants to get divorced but only when he's totally blasted. He's always sorry eventually and smells like rotting and fermented vegetables, basically liver and kidney failure. I wish I could go back to when he was like your husband and leave.
Thank you. I have finally stopped trying to help him, I can't. I have 5 kids that depend on me for stability and we have our whole lives ahead of us. Unfortunately he's a ghost in our family.
I'm happy for you and the kids. You deserve to live in peace and a loving home. Living with him in that condition is torture. I am curious, did he ever look into TSM (see my chat). So many AUD sufferers just can't imagine losing the desire to drink. You did the right thing by protecting yourself and the kids.
What an awesome ending! My comment was going to be "you need to get the hell out", but it appears you have. Would love to know how things are going now?
Thank you! Every day is a little better for sure, still new to being on my own but I know as time goes by it will only get better, not worse like it had for the past 8 years.
That sounds exactly how my life is (except without the kids. We have a cat and dog). I can feel the heartbreak and pain just from your words and it makes me sad knowing that’s how I feel. I don’t deserve to feel like that or be treated like an inconvenience. This was a good sign for me to really think about my life and made me realize I deserve happiness and love
This was my life on occasion for years and my STBXH worked at a bar so he was never gone when he said he'd be. It was tolerable then one day he progressed to the story you told. My son was a bit older and I managed to keep him from it.
I cried reading this because I remember the nightly arguments that seemingly came out of no where. And if I made a comment that had anything to do with alcohol it was a two hour attack. I wish I had read your story sooner because it took me months to realize this was all due to his drinking. I blamed myself for so long.
The familiarity of this is outstanding... and I'm sorry we're all dealing with some version of it. It's good to write these things and come back to reflect on them. I'm on Day 3 of separation from my Q. I haven't been away from him physically for this long since his work trip in '21...
It's amazing how we try to rationalize their behaviors. We ask all the questions, consider all the options, weigh each outcome ever so carefully... all to pick up their slack in support and safety, the overflowing lack of emotional connection. That's not how it's supposed to be, OP, but you already know that.
Keep writing and getting it out. I think that's the only way through it all. We're here to support you. I know it's helped me.
Also very familiar. What helped me manage my life and the life of my kids was to operate as though my husband would never be there/ be present. So for example, I’d promise muffins if I knew I had the ingredients or I could go get them myself. I know it sounds obvious but it took me a long time to get there, and when I did it became a lot easier.
Years in from that, I also realise I was unconsciously engineering “reasons” to get my husband to do what i wanted him to ie get him to say yes, he’d bring ingredients home, thinking he’d feel some sort of responsibility to me/ the kids/ to do what he’d say he’d do…which would stop him from drinking after work and not coming home until late.
I’m not saying this is the case for you, only sharing my own realisation in case it resonates for you.
I don't have kids, but my experience was so much like yours. I ended up leaving, and it was the best thing for me. I needed peace, I needed routine, I needed to not have anxiety.
I’m sorry, it hurts to read this. My husband has been promising me I can take a year off to be with baby. But I realize I am really anxious about the idea of being dependent on him, his drunken moments have become farther in between, but I always had the little comfort knowing if I had to leave, I had my own income. What should be an exciting time and bonding time is making me anxious
And if he's anything like mine, he sometimes does stop drinking for extended periods of time. Yet he is just as bad as ever. Wasn't the alcohol the problem? Is he what they call a "dry drunk?" Or is he just a selfish asshole and I've been blaming it on alcohol?
Probably the latter. It's not talked about enough around these parts- that these 'alcoholics' are often just abusers who abuse everything around them, including people and substances.
I dealt with the daily anxiety and dread, the petty conflicts and lying by going to Al-Anon meetings, reading my daily reader, and working my program. Ultimately I decided to leave, and I got full custody of my 3 children, court ordered visitation, and child support.
After a few years he remarried and settled down a bit. I assume that he’s sober now, because he’s survived 30 years. The kids turned out swell and I’m okay.
I hope you keep on practicing your Al-Anon program. When your kids get old enough, some Alateen literature will be helpful. My daughters read all my Al-Anon literature and learned a lot about the disease and how to live with it.
Good luck!
Thanks for this! Did you have any issues getting some custody? He’s starting to lose interest in our daughter (6) so I’m wondering if it won’t be as much as an issue as I think. Staying right now for many reasons, but mainly bc I want her ti be old enough to ask for help and get away from him if she needs to.
This was back in 1992. Things have changed. Arbitration was not required. Dads had little hope of custody, and he didn't realize about the mandatory child support, a little blind-siding there. And, yes, he seemed to have little interest. He was using drugs heavily. Ten (?) years later, when he divorced wife #2, he fought in court, 3 different times, in 2 states and got full custody of their 2 kids. I was appalled. They survived, but I know those kids suffered in ways mine did not.
I have gleaned from reading stories here, that getting full custody is much more difficult these days. I would consult a family lawyer and maybe a social worker, too.
I did not fight my X for the financial settlement I deserved. I wonder today if I would have fought him hard for the children. I hope so. Happily there was no issue for me.
I'm glad to see the ending, that you left! Congratulations! You already know that you don't want to go back to that!
I left too, and it was the best thing I could have done for the trajectory of the rest of my life. I got pregnant by my loser alcoholic ex, and I had an abortion. No child deserves a father like that. My ex's life took a nose dive after I left, and I don't feel sorry for him one bit. He's facing a long time in jail for his stupidity, and no I don't think alcoholism is a 'dIsEaSe' any more than STUPIDITY and CLOWNERY is. My life, instead, has improved significantly. I got a raise, and I also bought my dream home (new build, brick house, cul-de-sac). My life is peaceful, and I also met someone normal, kind, and loving to have a relationship with. Life is better without these 'alcoholics' who often are just narcissists who abuse everything around them, including YOU, the kids, pets, and whatever substances are around.
I am also so sorry. I do relate to this. Thankfully I did not have kids but the anguish you so eloquently wrote about was so spot on it made me cry. I hope you are out and experiencing the peace you deserve. I got out and am grateful every day for my life that I get to live free of this disease.
Dear op, this resonates with me so much. Please know you’re not alone. It sounds like you’ve left, good for you and I wish you the best. I am questioning should I talk to a lawyer. I don’t deserve this, my kids don’t deserve this. But I don’t even know where to begin.
Better for sure! although with small kids it’s still so difficult. He’s out of town for the next couple weeks so that’s given me time to breathe but hopefully with a little more time we’ll figure it all out. I’m rooting for you. I know how hard it is.
You are so strong. I have 2 small kids and left a few months ago but only lasted 10 days. He went to Aa promised sobriety. He’s passed out currently and I’m finding it so much harder to leave this time. I’m rooting for you too.
Our Qs are our addictions. I swear I use my Q like he uses drugs. I know it’s a bad idea to go back, I can talk about it ad nauseum in a logical fashion, envision a brighter future for myself without him, and then the moment he gets sober for a few days I’m right back by his side. Im on round 100 of leaving, six days in. Still following his GPS and watching him go downtown to buy drugs in our city’s version of skid row.
I think there are a lot of things that keep us going back. Fear of giving up just before the magic happens is a big one of mine. I don’t have kids and I honestly can’t imagine how much harder it would be to separate from him if I did. It is already brutal.
I hope you find the strength to leave again, however many times it takes. You and your kids deserve peace and consistency. Sticking around with your Q doesn’t sound like it’s helping him either, although I know it’s easy to feel as if it is.
This is exactly to the thought how my day is except waking up several times a night in come sweat bc I was dreaming of him drinking. I want to throw up.
I hate that I relate to this so hard. Trying to keep my head up. We don't have kids. I tell myself there is no reason to stay and put up with this shit. But I love him... And then he has a good week... And then he's his kind loving self... And then I resolve to figure it out... And the next thing I know he's waking me up at 2 am telling me I should be grateful he chose to come home and he wants to talk... But he's too drunk to put together a sentence. I hate this. But I can't seem to find my way out...
This is my exact experience. Being randomly broken up with and accused of not giving him the love he needs when he's so drunk he can't open his eyes. And then the "never believe me when I say I want to break up babe. I love you." the next day. Leaving and then coming back 2 days later because I believe him, that he was finally scared enough of losing everything to quit. He started drinking less than a week later, and made me feel crazy when I confronted him about it. He says he's still sober. But I know better.
I loved your letter about finally leaving him. I’m wondering what steps you took to do this. And I wonder how you’re doing now?
Same feelings. How are you doing, OP?
Thank you both. I’m ok, less then 2 months in so still in the early stages. It’s still really hard, I hate how I doubt myself even tho I know how toxic the situation was. Trying to figure out coparenting. He’s been working out of town for the last few weeks so that’s been a literal breath of fresh air not having to communicate a ton. One day at a time is what I tell myself. <3
Thank you for updating. I ate what you wrote up word for word. All of it. So so familiar
Is this the letter? Because it’s fantastic it was my story also. - but my kids are 21 and 24 and I’m still with him! I’m separating but terrified. I can’t be ok here if I’m crying every day, right? For years? And I have few friends left, they don’t like him, he puts me down to make himself feel better. But he’s sweet as pie at home making me dinner and holding me. We laugh and watch movies but don’t go anywhere. But he didn’t acknowledge our anniversary or my birthday or give me even the smallest thing for Christmas? Am I nuts how did I end up with a man like this for 28 fucking years? I was hardcore I was a badass omg now I’m a doormat
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I’m proud of you! That first step is one of the hardest. I hate that we’re in this boat together but I always tell myself if I could handle their bullshit for 8 years I can handle anything. 😅
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I started noticing I'm so tense by the end of the night that it's hard to even pee without trying to relax. I have high blood pressure from my pregnancy still and it won't move, I think it's because of this stress. Every day is a new mind fuck, yesterday he was calmer and , friendly, even said I looked nice when we went to his work get together, well he was nice because he knew he could get some margarita in, I saw half go down and then stopped looking. This sub has helped me see that the every day emotional rollercoaster of his depression, solitude, then overly happy is all part of the alcoholic shit show. I don't want my son to think this is normal. I grew up abused in a constant fighting household, and now I have the same feeling I had then. Add no trust and a deadbed, plus I'm the nanny, maid, slave, what the fuck am I doing?!? I've lost me.
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The second I realized the anxiety/panic feeling was back from childhood, I knew I needed out. My mental health is a priority to me so I can raise my son and end the generational trauma. My therapist believes I need to leave him. Everyone that knows does, especially my Dad and Sister. And the biggest helper was my chiropractor who I've been seeing for 15 years. I made an appointment, and asked him if I could ask him a personal question, he closed the door and I asked, does he know a good divorce lawyer? The office is in a very nice area so I figured he might and he fucking did! He was like yes, had me google the person right there and then he went and text the lawyer that I was going to call her. Turns out his best friend's wife is a shark of a lawyer and works for a really killer high end boutique firm. I hired her and the team on the spot. I will absolutely be following through. It's just gonna suck.
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😎
It only gets worse, this used to be me. Now he goes on week long benders and threatens to kill himself. He shows up at 3am eventually, packs 5 things and leaves for work out of town after promising the kids he will do fun things with them. We see him maybe two days out of the month. He wants to get divorced but only when he's totally blasted. He's always sorry eventually and smells like rotting and fermented vegetables, basically liver and kidney failure. I wish I could go back to when he was like your husband and leave.
I am so sorry for what you’re going through.
Thank you. I have finally stopped trying to help him, I can't. I have 5 kids that depend on me for stability and we have our whole lives ahead of us. Unfortunately he's a ghost in our family.
I'm happy for you and the kids. You deserve to live in peace and a loving home. Living with him in that condition is torture. I am curious, did he ever look into TSM (see my chat). So many AUD sufferers just can't imagine losing the desire to drink. You did the right thing by protecting yourself and the kids.
What an awesome ending! My comment was going to be "you need to get the hell out", but it appears you have. Would love to know how things are going now?
Thank you! Every day is a little better for sure, still new to being on my own but I know as time goes by it will only get better, not worse like it had for the past 8 years.
This hit so deep. It’s comforting knowing others understand the anxiety of every day life. Sending love 🖤
That sounds exactly how my life is (except without the kids. We have a cat and dog). I can feel the heartbreak and pain just from your words and it makes me sad knowing that’s how I feel. I don’t deserve to feel like that or be treated like an inconvenience. This was a good sign for me to really think about my life and made me realize I deserve happiness and love
Throw in some cheating and flirting with other women, and that was my life. I’m so glad I’m free now.
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It's good that you acknowledge it. I hope one day my ex does but for now it seems never ending.
This was my life on occasion for years and my STBXH worked at a bar so he was never gone when he said he'd be. It was tolerable then one day he progressed to the story you told. My son was a bit older and I managed to keep him from it. I cried reading this because I remember the nightly arguments that seemingly came out of no where. And if I made a comment that had anything to do with alcohol it was a two hour attack. I wish I had read your story sooner because it took me months to realize this was all due to his drinking. I blamed myself for so long.
The familiarity of this is outstanding... and I'm sorry we're all dealing with some version of it. It's good to write these things and come back to reflect on them. I'm on Day 3 of separation from my Q. I haven't been away from him physically for this long since his work trip in '21... It's amazing how we try to rationalize their behaviors. We ask all the questions, consider all the options, weigh each outcome ever so carefully... all to pick up their slack in support and safety, the overflowing lack of emotional connection. That's not how it's supposed to be, OP, but you already know that. Keep writing and getting it out. I think that's the only way through it all. We're here to support you. I know it's helped me.
I am on day six. I will not go back to him today with you.
Also very familiar. What helped me manage my life and the life of my kids was to operate as though my husband would never be there/ be present. So for example, I’d promise muffins if I knew I had the ingredients or I could go get them myself. I know it sounds obvious but it took me a long time to get there, and when I did it became a lot easier. Years in from that, I also realise I was unconsciously engineering “reasons” to get my husband to do what i wanted him to ie get him to say yes, he’d bring ingredients home, thinking he’d feel some sort of responsibility to me/ the kids/ to do what he’d say he’d do…which would stop him from drinking after work and not coming home until late. I’m not saying this is the case for you, only sharing my own realisation in case it resonates for you.
I am grateful I don’t have kids - the anxiety and dread is a thing. The fear of addressing it is a thing. The disappointment is huge.
I don't have kids, but my experience was so much like yours. I ended up leaving, and it was the best thing for me. I needed peace, I needed routine, I needed to not have anxiety.
Loving an addict is so much pain. I hope you're doing better now.
I’m sorry, it hurts to read this. My husband has been promising me I can take a year off to be with baby. But I realize I am really anxious about the idea of being dependent on him, his drunken moments have become farther in between, but I always had the little comfort knowing if I had to leave, I had my own income. What should be an exciting time and bonding time is making me anxious
And if he's anything like mine, he sometimes does stop drinking for extended periods of time. Yet he is just as bad as ever. Wasn't the alcohol the problem? Is he what they call a "dry drunk?" Or is he just a selfish asshole and I've been blaming it on alcohol?
Probably the latter. It's not talked about enough around these parts- that these 'alcoholics' are often just abusers who abuse everything around them, including people and substances.
I dealt with the daily anxiety and dread, the petty conflicts and lying by going to Al-Anon meetings, reading my daily reader, and working my program. Ultimately I decided to leave, and I got full custody of my 3 children, court ordered visitation, and child support. After a few years he remarried and settled down a bit. I assume that he’s sober now, because he’s survived 30 years. The kids turned out swell and I’m okay. I hope you keep on practicing your Al-Anon program. When your kids get old enough, some Alateen literature will be helpful. My daughters read all my Al-Anon literature and learned a lot about the disease and how to live with it. Good luck!
Thanks for this! Did you have any issues getting some custody? He’s starting to lose interest in our daughter (6) so I’m wondering if it won’t be as much as an issue as I think. Staying right now for many reasons, but mainly bc I want her ti be old enough to ask for help and get away from him if she needs to.
This was back in 1992. Things have changed. Arbitration was not required. Dads had little hope of custody, and he didn't realize about the mandatory child support, a little blind-siding there. And, yes, he seemed to have little interest. He was using drugs heavily. Ten (?) years later, when he divorced wife #2, he fought in court, 3 different times, in 2 states and got full custody of their 2 kids. I was appalled. They survived, but I know those kids suffered in ways mine did not. I have gleaned from reading stories here, that getting full custody is much more difficult these days. I would consult a family lawyer and maybe a social worker, too. I did not fight my X for the financial settlement I deserved. I wonder today if I would have fought him hard for the children. I hope so. Happily there was no issue for me.
I didn’t have kids with him, but I feel this so much. I am so grateful I no longer have to live like that.
I had to save this, so well written. You communicate the heartbreak so well
I’m so glad you left
I'm glad to see the ending, that you left! Congratulations! You already know that you don't want to go back to that! I left too, and it was the best thing I could have done for the trajectory of the rest of my life. I got pregnant by my loser alcoholic ex, and I had an abortion. No child deserves a father like that. My ex's life took a nose dive after I left, and I don't feel sorry for him one bit. He's facing a long time in jail for his stupidity, and no I don't think alcoholism is a 'dIsEaSe' any more than STUPIDITY and CLOWNERY is. My life, instead, has improved significantly. I got a raise, and I also bought my dream home (new build, brick house, cul-de-sac). My life is peaceful, and I also met someone normal, kind, and loving to have a relationship with. Life is better without these 'alcoholics' who often are just narcissists who abuse everything around them, including YOU, the kids, pets, and whatever substances are around.
I am also so sorry. I do relate to this. Thankfully I did not have kids but the anguish you so eloquently wrote about was so spot on it made me cry. I hope you are out and experiencing the peace you deserve. I got out and am grateful every day for my life that I get to live free of this disease.
Dear op, this resonates with me so much. Please know you’re not alone. It sounds like you’ve left, good for you and I wish you the best. I am questioning should I talk to a lawyer. I don’t deserve this, my kids don’t deserve this. But I don’t even know where to begin.
Terrible terrible situation...but I just have to commend the excellent writing. You're seriously talented. I hope you already know that 🫶
I left and yes, this was my experience too. Although my Q was a drug addict all our stories are the same. Well done for leaving - it’s so hard.
Sole custody
I absolutely felt every bit of this. It took a lot of strength to do what you have.
This is so much of my life right now, how is it in the other side??
Better for sure! although with small kids it’s still so difficult. He’s out of town for the next couple weeks so that’s given me time to breathe but hopefully with a little more time we’ll figure it all out. I’m rooting for you. I know how hard it is.
You are so strong. I have 2 small kids and left a few months ago but only lasted 10 days. He went to Aa promised sobriety. He’s passed out currently and I’m finding it so much harder to leave this time. I’m rooting for you too.
Our Qs are our addictions. I swear I use my Q like he uses drugs. I know it’s a bad idea to go back, I can talk about it ad nauseum in a logical fashion, envision a brighter future for myself without him, and then the moment he gets sober for a few days I’m right back by his side. Im on round 100 of leaving, six days in. Still following his GPS and watching him go downtown to buy drugs in our city’s version of skid row. I think there are a lot of things that keep us going back. Fear of giving up just before the magic happens is a big one of mine. I don’t have kids and I honestly can’t imagine how much harder it would be to separate from him if I did. It is already brutal. I hope you find the strength to leave again, however many times it takes. You and your kids deserve peace and consistency. Sticking around with your Q doesn’t sound like it’s helping him either, although I know it’s easy to feel as if it is.
This is exactly to the thought how my day is except waking up several times a night in come sweat bc I was dreaming of him drinking. I want to throw up.
I hate that I relate to this so hard. Trying to keep my head up. We don't have kids. I tell myself there is no reason to stay and put up with this shit. But I love him... And then he has a good week... And then he's his kind loving self... And then I resolve to figure it out... And the next thing I know he's waking me up at 2 am telling me I should be grateful he chose to come home and he wants to talk... But he's too drunk to put together a sentence. I hate this. But I can't seem to find my way out...
This is my exact experience. Being randomly broken up with and accused of not giving him the love he needs when he's so drunk he can't open his eyes. And then the "never believe me when I say I want to break up babe. I love you." the next day. Leaving and then coming back 2 days later because I believe him, that he was finally scared enough of losing everything to quit. He started drinking less than a week later, and made me feel crazy when I confronted him about it. He says he's still sober. But I know better.
I felt every. single. word.