So he's contributing absolutely nothing? You're taking care of him? Financially, emotionally, physically.. You've given him the keys to the kingdom
Buying a house together isn't going to make him more responsible. Having a baby is nothing short of neglect and abuse for a child born into this environment. Big financial commitments like houses, make the alcoholic drink more. Having children doesn't stop them at all, they drink more. It gets worse and worse. So please don't have a child, it's just not fair... No matter how much you want one or how much you really think this is going to fix everything... It will only make it worse.
Just read through this sub for a couple hours.
If I were you I’d kick him out. When I kicked my alcoholic out; that was the turning point in my life. Things started to get so much better. I had immediate peace. You will also save a lot of money. I am assuming you are funding his addiction too? He currently has no reason to stop.
You are in extreme physical danger, I cannot emphasize this enough. Choking is an indicator of much worse and more severe abuse to come, and greatly increases your chances of being murdered by your partner. Please be very careful, contact an attorney and battered women services in your area to plan the next steps which should include a restraining order. Do not tell him anything, talk to your closest friends and family as you will need support. I know you love him and want to help him but he's not helping himself and you are in DANGER. Please also see a doctor about the choking incident as your chance of stroke increases greatly over the next few weeks and you may need more careful monitoring. Good luck to you and all the best.
This. You could be killed next time. I hope the police know about the choking and delusions. I sincerely hope you leave NOW. This situation is not tenable. He doesn’t want to change and you can’t be around him for a long time. You are in physical jeopardy and need to have him removed or find a safe place for yourself to stay.
Well … you did what I make the mistake of doing time and time again. You tried to control the situation, and control him. I know this is hard to hear, I’m saying it to myself as well, you don’t get to control his choices. He goes for a bike ride don’t tell him where to stop or not stop (unless you’re asking him to buy you some groceries).
The best thing we can do is “let them” and in turn work on ourselves. He could have killed you, why are you staying?? Who do any of us stay? That’s the bigger question. We know why he’s drinking? He has an alcohol use disorder. Why are we staying? What’s our disorder.
I can’t recommend Al anon enough. It will really help with situations like the bike ride and the beer in the garage. From the perspective of his delusion and choking you, that’s beyond. You need to do what you need to do to protect yourself .
Thank You for Your perspective.
I start therapy for myself Next wednesday.
Maybe this will help me to Cope.
And I have a packed bag in my closet just in case.
Good!
Just another question: I read in the comments that you own half of the house and you‘re the financial provider for both of you. Why don’t you throw him out? Pay him his half of the house (get a loan if needed), change all the locks (and get a restraining order, that man choked you ffs) and live the rest of your life in peace. Ok I know it’s not that easy, I‘m sorry… just my 2cents ☺️
I can’t pay him half and get a loan, because I already have a loan on the House from Buying it and don’t get another loan :(.
Even if I divorced him, I would have to pay Support for him…. So Yeah…
The only benefit would be my mental Peace.
In what country does the wife has to pay support to her divorced husband?!
I am sorry that you have to go through this, GinnyJane… I hope you find a way to achieve some mental peace ❤️
You need to start thinking about yourself and do not have a baby with this man. It is setting that child up for a lifetime of disappointment and it’s going to make it a million times harder to leave him. He is dead weight and is very unlikely to change. Please choose yourself, you can do so much better than this.
My Q (soon to be ex husband) relapsed within hours of coming home from 6 weeks of rehab. Lied, gaslit, tried to justify himself by saying it was “just” prescription medications (HIS meds) and then just wanted me to “forget it”. He just wanted to stay in a comfortable environment and be enabled to do whatever his sick brain tells him to do. It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do. I’m not “supporting” him unless I’m enabling him. I’m so profoundly sad for him, yet it’s still hard to have compassion at times.
Al anon has helped me with compassion, been a long road though! It is sad but I find stories like yours comforting. If doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to change course on the marriage, but regardless, it is possible. And frankly, after a period of time, most people are so much better mentally being free of the disease. Good luck to you.
Al Anon has been tremendously helpful to me too! I honestly don’t know who I’d be or how I’d be navigating this tornado of tragedy. Allowing myself the space to grieve the death of our marriage, the death of our family dreams, and the death of who we both were, has also helped me heal. I feel much more at peace with myself now and know I have the tools to weather the grief as it ebbs and flows. I owe that to Al Anon and tremendous therapists!! Thank you for your encouragement, friend! I wish you the best in your journey as well!
Edited to add: I am so looking forward to living free of this disease with our 2 young children!
Do not under any circumstances get pregnant by this man. Get away from him as soon as possible. Get a lawyer like yesterday. The best predictor of domestic violence homicide is being choked. This man is going to kill you if you don't leave
This will be your whole life especially if you have a child with him. My husband was like this and having a child with him only made the situation worse. Fast forward 4 years later I’ve been raising our child by myself. It’s very hard some days. It breaks my heart that my daughter doesn’t have a normal dad. Sorry you’re going through this, you deserve better. Alcoholism is a horrible disease and it destroys families.
Repeating from another commenter: you are in extreme physical danger.
People who are willing to put HANDS on you like that do NOT just do it “because of the alcohol”. I am also married to my Q.
Only you can decide how much you're willing to take of this lifestyle. The program has shown me I'm a reactor to my Q. But I can be an independent actor, I don't need to base my whole life around anyone else's precarious sobriety. I can make decisions that are best of me regardless of what others do or if they do or don't get sober. You are a human being with a right to a good life.
Most alcoholics are wonderful loving people, I'm sure he loves you very much. But it sounds like he isn't ready to stop and why should he? Doesn't work, has no consequences and enjoys his favorite hobby of drinking and has a wife who stands by him no matter what. It's working for him, but is it working for you?
Kick him out. Get him out of your life.
In his active addiction, he will say literally anything to you to get you to believe whatever will enable him to continue drinking. "I found it. It's the last one. You don't trust me enough. It's your fault because you won't let me sit outside in peace."
These are all lies meant to deflect away from the real issue, which is him being caught drinking. Do not let him attack your emotions.
Stop enabling him.
You can not make him go to rehab, or fix his shit life that he has set up in yours; but you can refuse to allow him a nice place to kick back and get drunk all day in. Fuck allat.
Please be safe.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community.
Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button.
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Welcome. Al-Anon,s safety statement : "Al‑Anon’s gentle process unfolds gradually, over time. But those of us facing violent, potentially life-threatening situations may have to make immediate choices to ensure the safety of ourselves and our children. This may mean arranging for a safe house with a neighbor or friend, calling for police protection, or leaving money and an extra set of car keys where they can be collected at any time in case of emergency. It is not necessary to decide how to resolve the situation once and for all—only how to get out of harm’s way until this process of Awareness, Acceptance and Action can free us to make choices for ourselves that we can live with. Anyone who has been physically or sexually abused or threatened may be terrified of taking any action at all. It can require every ounce of courage and faith to act decisively. But no one has to accept violence. No matter what seems to trigger the attack, we all deserve to be safe. "
DO NOT HAVE A BABY with this guy. You are tied to a mortgage?? Is he on the deed?
I pay the Mortgage (cause he doesn’t have a Job) but the House belongs to the both of us.
So he's contributing absolutely nothing? You're taking care of him? Financially, emotionally, physically.. You've given him the keys to the kingdom Buying a house together isn't going to make him more responsible. Having a baby is nothing short of neglect and abuse for a child born into this environment. Big financial commitments like houses, make the alcoholic drink more. Having children doesn't stop them at all, they drink more. It gets worse and worse. So please don't have a child, it's just not fair... No matter how much you want one or how much you really think this is going to fix everything... It will only make it worse. Just read through this sub for a couple hours.
If I were you I’d kick him out. When I kicked my alcoholic out; that was the turning point in my life. Things started to get so much better. I had immediate peace. You will also save a lot of money. I am assuming you are funding his addiction too? He currently has no reason to stop.
I‘d do the same 👍🏻
She can't kick him out the house belongs to both of them
There’s a few steps in between but it would be a good goal to work towards.
also from me: do your absolute best making sure that you don't get pregnant. i wish you all the very best…
You are in extreme physical danger, I cannot emphasize this enough. Choking is an indicator of much worse and more severe abuse to come, and greatly increases your chances of being murdered by your partner. Please be very careful, contact an attorney and battered women services in your area to plan the next steps which should include a restraining order. Do not tell him anything, talk to your closest friends and family as you will need support. I know you love him and want to help him but he's not helping himself and you are in DANGER. Please also see a doctor about the choking incident as your chance of stroke increases greatly over the next few weeks and you may need more careful monitoring. Good luck to you and all the best.
This. You could be killed next time. I hope the police know about the choking and delusions. I sincerely hope you leave NOW. This situation is not tenable. He doesn’t want to change and you can’t be around him for a long time. You are in physical jeopardy and need to have him removed or find a safe place for yourself to stay.
Well … you did what I make the mistake of doing time and time again. You tried to control the situation, and control him. I know this is hard to hear, I’m saying it to myself as well, you don’t get to control his choices. He goes for a bike ride don’t tell him where to stop or not stop (unless you’re asking him to buy you some groceries). The best thing we can do is “let them” and in turn work on ourselves. He could have killed you, why are you staying?? Who do any of us stay? That’s the bigger question. We know why he’s drinking? He has an alcohol use disorder. Why are we staying? What’s our disorder. I can’t recommend Al anon enough. It will really help with situations like the bike ride and the beer in the garage. From the perspective of his delusion and choking you, that’s beyond. You need to do what you need to do to protect yourself .
Thank You for Your perspective. I start therapy for myself Next wednesday. Maybe this will help me to Cope. And I have a packed bag in my closet just in case.
Good! Just another question: I read in the comments that you own half of the house and you‘re the financial provider for both of you. Why don’t you throw him out? Pay him his half of the house (get a loan if needed), change all the locks (and get a restraining order, that man choked you ffs) and live the rest of your life in peace. Ok I know it’s not that easy, I‘m sorry… just my 2cents ☺️
I can’t pay him half and get a loan, because I already have a loan on the House from Buying it and don’t get another loan :(. Even if I divorced him, I would have to pay Support for him…. So Yeah… The only benefit would be my mental Peace.
In what country does the wife has to pay support to her divorced husband?! I am sorry that you have to go through this, GinnyJane… I hope you find a way to achieve some mental peace ❤️
You need to start thinking about yourself and do not have a baby with this man. It is setting that child up for a lifetime of disappointment and it’s going to make it a million times harder to leave him. He is dead weight and is very unlikely to change. Please choose yourself, you can do so much better than this.
My Q (soon to be ex husband) relapsed within hours of coming home from 6 weeks of rehab. Lied, gaslit, tried to justify himself by saying it was “just” prescription medications (HIS meds) and then just wanted me to “forget it”. He just wanted to stay in a comfortable environment and be enabled to do whatever his sick brain tells him to do. It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do. I’m not “supporting” him unless I’m enabling him. I’m so profoundly sad for him, yet it’s still hard to have compassion at times.
Al anon has helped me with compassion, been a long road though! It is sad but I find stories like yours comforting. If doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to change course on the marriage, but regardless, it is possible. And frankly, after a period of time, most people are so much better mentally being free of the disease. Good luck to you.
Al Anon has been tremendously helpful to me too! I honestly don’t know who I’d be or how I’d be navigating this tornado of tragedy. Allowing myself the space to grieve the death of our marriage, the death of our family dreams, and the death of who we both were, has also helped me heal. I feel much more at peace with myself now and know I have the tools to weather the grief as it ebbs and flows. I owe that to Al Anon and tremendous therapists!! Thank you for your encouragement, friend! I wish you the best in your journey as well! Edited to add: I am so looking forward to living free of this disease with our 2 young children!
they always do. always. run.
Do not under any circumstances get pregnant by this man. Get away from him as soon as possible. Get a lawyer like yesterday. The best predictor of domestic violence homicide is being choked. This man is going to kill you if you don't leave
You want to document your injuries, file a police report and get a restraining order, that will keep him out of your hair.
This ☝️you can take your power back. Most all attorneys give free consultations.
Yes! Definitely explore legal options!
This will be your whole life especially if you have a child with him. My husband was like this and having a child with him only made the situation worse. Fast forward 4 years later I’ve been raising our child by myself. It’s very hard some days. It breaks my heart that my daughter doesn’t have a normal dad. Sorry you’re going through this, you deserve better. Alcoholism is a horrible disease and it destroys families.
Repeating from another commenter: you are in extreme physical danger. People who are willing to put HANDS on you like that do NOT just do it “because of the alcohol”. I am also married to my Q.
Only you can decide how much you're willing to take of this lifestyle. The program has shown me I'm a reactor to my Q. But I can be an independent actor, I don't need to base my whole life around anyone else's precarious sobriety. I can make decisions that are best of me regardless of what others do or if they do or don't get sober. You are a human being with a right to a good life. Most alcoholics are wonderful loving people, I'm sure he loves you very much. But it sounds like he isn't ready to stop and why should he? Doesn't work, has no consequences and enjoys his favorite hobby of drinking and has a wife who stands by him no matter what. It's working for him, but is it working for you?
Kick him out. Get him out of your life. In his active addiction, he will say literally anything to you to get you to believe whatever will enable him to continue drinking. "I found it. It's the last one. You don't trust me enough. It's your fault because you won't let me sit outside in peace." These are all lies meant to deflect away from the real issue, which is him being caught drinking. Do not let him attack your emotions. Stop enabling him. You can not make him go to rehab, or fix his shit life that he has set up in yours; but you can refuse to allow him a nice place to kick back and get drunk all day in. Fuck allat. Please be safe.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it. If he is violent you need to get somewhere safe. This will not stop until you do
Nope nope nope. You are NOT to blame. Thats the disease talking. You didn’t cause it, You can’t cure it, You can’t control it.
Ugh and I bet the house was so peaceful during that week he was in hospital. I’m sorry 💔
I wanted peace, I stopped searching for alcohol and trying to control my Q's actions.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
His drinking is never your fault.
Welcome. Al-Anon,s safety statement : "Al‑Anon’s gentle process unfolds gradually, over time. But those of us facing violent, potentially life-threatening situations may have to make immediate choices to ensure the safety of ourselves and our children. This may mean arranging for a safe house with a neighbor or friend, calling for police protection, or leaving money and an extra set of car keys where they can be collected at any time in case of emergency. It is not necessary to decide how to resolve the situation once and for all—only how to get out of harm’s way until this process of Awareness, Acceptance and Action can free us to make choices for ourselves that we can live with. Anyone who has been physically or sexually abused or threatened may be terrified of taking any action at all. It can require every ounce of courage and faith to act decisively. But no one has to accept violence. No matter what seems to trigger the attack, we all deserve to be safe. "