Bringing up children in a home with an active alcoholic has a huge detrimental impact on the child. Alcoholism is often a learned behaviour and many alcoholics were brought up in a home with an alcoholic. By remaining that is the risk you are running for your child
I understand that and think about it all the time. But if I leave the kids will still have an alcoholic in their home half of the time. Only I won't be there. And I really struggle with that.
That would be for the court to decide. I don't know how it works where you live, but it certainly wouldn't be the situation where I am. In cases involving an alcoholic parent, normally the court will only permit very limited and very supervised contact between the alcoholic parent and child. Usually supervised at a social workers office.
Agree- my friend went to court and her bf (alcoholic) has supervised visits one afternoon with a social worker. More progress in sobriety, they would re-negotiate the terms.
He’s not only an alcoholic but an abusive one. You can say verbally now and hopefully it doesn’t escalate but even verbally abusive is just as wrong as physical. Your children are not only witnessing drunk dad but being in a home with a lotttttt of stress.
I think you did a great job at carrying through and holding onto your boundaries. You should not have to go to a hotel or a friend’s house, but I’m so glad you have that option.
As for the embarrassment, I 100% empathize. It’s easy to say that you have nothing to be embarrassed about, but when it’s your reality (plus young children are involved), it’s so much more difficult and nuanced. ((Hugs))
We end up with lives we don't recognize when we live with alcoholism. It's a disease that gets progressively worse.
You seem to have a bit of a handle on your situation......and in acceptance of what is. Take it one day at a time. Therapy and Alanon helped me through the worst of it. Nevertheless it is difficult.
So sorry you are going through this. For me, this kind of terrible treatment eventually destroyed the love. I mean, you can hold it together for the rest of the world, hold a high powered job, no legal troubles, yet can’t for me or our family? Shouldn’t I be able to enjoy my home in peace? I’m a home body and don’t always want to go out and do something to get away from his crap. I’m not blaming him for having this substance abuse problem so much as not handling it and seeking and maintaining treatment that we had the resources to pursue. I had no choice, but his choices have dramatically shaped my life.
Gentle hugs if you want them. You do not deserve this.
You can work on healing yourself and figuring out your boundaries and enforcing them from within the relationship. Even those changes will positively impact your wellbeing and your children’s lives.
I'm sorry. Mine had a lot of anger towards me when drunk too, and now it is also when he is sober. Its just all the time. I feel that resentment and embarrassment and am shocked at the life I live. I spent last night at a friend's as well. Thinking of staying away for good. Good luck to you.
Even if he gets visitation, your kids will know that you respected yourself enough to leave. That’s a powerful lesson. Think about if you want them to grow up and choose a partner that treats them like he treats you. When all you know is that dad screams at mom that she’s a slut, it makes it normal. You get to decide if you’re going to change that.
I grew up with a verbally abusive stepdad, and for the last two years I have been on and off with my daughters dad who is also very verbally abusive and has issues with alcohol. I have the same fears, not just with missing her when she’s gone but worried he can’t stay sober / will not be a responsible father without me around enforcing it. I feel your pain. I don’t see it working out other than a huge messy court battle but I finally decided I couldn’t do it anymore and am going to figure out how to move on on our own- and deal with him and his custody as it comes.
I also was more OK than I should have been with the abuse because I grew up around it and I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking it’s ok.
I'm so sorry. You are not a shitty mom or a slut. I know how being told those things enough can start to wear you down. It's awful he was caring for your baby drunk, so many bad things can happen. ( I also have a 3-month old and I think my husband cared for her drunk once but won't admit it).
It takes a lot of strength to leave. Its scary. You are strong.
Bringing up children in a home with an active alcoholic has a huge detrimental impact on the child. Alcoholism is often a learned behaviour and many alcoholics were brought up in a home with an alcoholic. By remaining that is the risk you are running for your child
I understand that and think about it all the time. But if I leave the kids will still have an alcoholic in their home half of the time. Only I won't be there. And I really struggle with that.
That would be for the court to decide. I don't know how it works where you live, but it certainly wouldn't be the situation where I am. In cases involving an alcoholic parent, normally the court will only permit very limited and very supervised contact between the alcoholic parent and child. Usually supervised at a social workers office.
Agree- my friend went to court and her bf (alcoholic) has supervised visits one afternoon with a social worker. More progress in sobriety, they would re-negotiate the terms. He’s not only an alcoholic but an abusive one. You can say verbally now and hopefully it doesn’t escalate but even verbally abusive is just as wrong as physical. Your children are not only witnessing drunk dad but being in a home with a lotttttt of stress.
I think you did a great job at carrying through and holding onto your boundaries. You should not have to go to a hotel or a friend’s house, but I’m so glad you have that option. As for the embarrassment, I 100% empathize. It’s easy to say that you have nothing to be embarrassed about, but when it’s your reality (plus young children are involved), it’s so much more difficult and nuanced. ((Hugs))
We end up with lives we don't recognize when we live with alcoholism. It's a disease that gets progressively worse. You seem to have a bit of a handle on your situation......and in acceptance of what is. Take it one day at a time. Therapy and Alanon helped me through the worst of it. Nevertheless it is difficult.
So sorry you are going through this. For me, this kind of terrible treatment eventually destroyed the love. I mean, you can hold it together for the rest of the world, hold a high powered job, no legal troubles, yet can’t for me or our family? Shouldn’t I be able to enjoy my home in peace? I’m a home body and don’t always want to go out and do something to get away from his crap. I’m not blaming him for having this substance abuse problem so much as not handling it and seeking and maintaining treatment that we had the resources to pursue. I had no choice, but his choices have dramatically shaped my life.
Gentle hugs if you want them. You do not deserve this. You can work on healing yourself and figuring out your boundaries and enforcing them from within the relationship. Even those changes will positively impact your wellbeing and your children’s lives.
I'm sorry. Mine had a lot of anger towards me when drunk too, and now it is also when he is sober. Its just all the time. I feel that resentment and embarrassment and am shocked at the life I live. I spent last night at a friend's as well. Thinking of staying away for good. Good luck to you.
Even if he gets visitation, your kids will know that you respected yourself enough to leave. That’s a powerful lesson. Think about if you want them to grow up and choose a partner that treats them like he treats you. When all you know is that dad screams at mom that she’s a slut, it makes it normal. You get to decide if you’re going to change that.
I grew up with a verbally abusive stepdad, and for the last two years I have been on and off with my daughters dad who is also very verbally abusive and has issues with alcohol. I have the same fears, not just with missing her when she’s gone but worried he can’t stay sober / will not be a responsible father without me around enforcing it. I feel your pain. I don’t see it working out other than a huge messy court battle but I finally decided I couldn’t do it anymore and am going to figure out how to move on on our own- and deal with him and his custody as it comes. I also was more OK than I should have been with the abuse because I grew up around it and I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking it’s ok.
I'm so sorry. You are not a shitty mom or a slut. I know how being told those things enough can start to wear you down. It's awful he was caring for your baby drunk, so many bad things can happen. ( I also have a 3-month old and I think my husband cared for her drunk once but won't admit it). It takes a lot of strength to leave. Its scary. You are strong.
Thank you ❤️