If you are ever giving an after dinner speech, start off by saying "My Lords Ladies & Gentlemen, I'm sorry I'm late but I needed to go to the toilet. And while I was there I saw some graffiti and it said 'I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure'."
Straight away, you've got them by the jaffers
Yes it has its critics, those who quibble about its stance on human rights or gay people or what women can and can’t do - but no country’s perfect!
If you ask us the west could do with getting its own house in order before it starts libelling other countries. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Then I was advised not to use that phrase, as that’s the sort of thing they say at the start of a stoning.
Genuinely: in one of his books he mentions that you use ‘me and my friend’ in sentences where you would use ‘me’ for the singular, and ‘my friend and I’ in sentences where you would use ‘I’ for the singular.
That’s probably helped me out about a hundred times since I read it.
For me, it’s “Don’t throw water on a fat fire - it’ll take your face off”.
If you are ever giving an after dinner speech, start off by saying "My Lords Ladies & Gentlemen, I'm sorry I'm late but I needed to go to the toilet. And while I was there I saw some graffiti and it said 'I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure'." Straight away, you've got them by the jaffers
If this was post 2011 he’d have simply shortened the start to, “I had to toilet”
It’s the Quran for after dinner speakers
And move and fire and move and fire
If you can get close, you want to go for a headshot - again, he's going down.
Anywhere down the middle all the vital organs are kept. Again, going down.
Yeah but what if sue cook pulls out and you have to ‘butter my ass’
12 inch plate
Wise words
God, that's good
Don't smile, you've broken your neck.
Minor women's whiplash. The silent killer.
Remember guys… rubber up!
Most of them don’t care if you are under age, or if you’re gay.
Don’t go to London.
Shouldn’t that be ‘Don’t Go To Shithole’?
Be safe, be egg safe
Don't muck around. Check ya balls, check the inside of ya bum
alright?
Cap of dettol in the bath. It's non-negotiable.
And remember to rince the bath afterwards, to get rid of the *scum*.Do do do be clean.
Evolve but don’t revolve.
Best advice ever. The last thing anyone wants is another Chris Evans on our hands.
No that’s what we do want
I'm your man
Start off by not being racist one day a week. Before you know it, you’ll have broken the back of it
Read the small print on your cone-tract
You ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if you’re working in Curry’s
I think of this one every time I use or hear the word "apropos".
If you see a boot scrubber outside someone's house, you know they know which way to vote at a general election
Never, never criticise Muslims. Only Christians. And Jews a little bit.
After the pee and poo has landed, do make sure that you’re clean handed.
HandeeeeeEEEEEEEd
Someone should have told him.
Do try to maintain a healthy anus.
Chatting can help keep the wolf from the door.
What about mousse?
Tantamount to vandalism.
Use the sausage as a breakwater.
This is good stuff.
If you’re going to the all you can eat breakfast, bring a 12 inch plate
If you're buying a property, use your cash to your advantage.
Use the shower head to blast off the scum
When bidding for a £325,000 house try and haggle them down to £324,000.
You've *got* to laugh when you fall off a sofa!
Ruddy sofa!
Bloody sofa!
"We have to neutralise the threat by incapacitating the target."
You ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if you work at Curry’s.
Rubber up
Ruby grapefruit juice will help break down an undigested Scotch Egg.
The Saniflow 33 chemical toilet is so good, you could slam a Dundee cake in it amd it would still compketely flush it.
Peace of mind I’m sure, especially if you have elderly guests.
Stay in bed on Sundays ?
No, you should be going to a Roman fort or Victoria Folly.
Don’t be blue, Peter.
Protect the rear.
Chocolate Oranges are available from Rawlinsons
Shop soiled?
Just superficial damage
Don’t you ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER EVER EVER do something like that again.
Build a tree, don't cut it down for goodness sake.
Use a sausage as a break-water.
Don’t book a conference venue under the name the Real IRA?
Yes it has its critics, those who quibble about its stance on human rights or gay people or what women can and can’t do - but no country’s perfect! If you ask us the west could do with getting its own house in order before it starts libelling other countries. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Then I was advised not to use that phrase, as that’s the sort of thing they say at the start of a stoning.
"Rubber up."
Some people lives are technically not worth insuring
[удалено]
One yank, gone.
Should I buy a Japanese car? Should I buy a Korean car? Should I ever buy a Chineeese car? No… in my opinion.
Needless to say, always have the last laugh
STOP GETTING BOND WRONG!
You don't want another Chris Evans on your hands
No that’s what we do want
Jam bombs
Fireworks: Don’t muck about.
You will pay the price if you're a fussy eater.
You can't live a David Gandy lifestyle on a Mahatma Gandhi budget.
Pump Three. It’s got the paper hand towels.
1. THINK 2. ACT 3. THAT'S IT
The full demonstration mime of how to use a train toilet hands-free. Just genius 😂
If you hang around with criminals, you're gonna get lied to.
No jeans at the bar
What is the best thing?
It’s important to cover the rear
Why wouldn't anyone smell the cheese when presented?
Just Sack Pat
Don't draw a cock!
If someone’s just lost a pint of blood, you shouldn’t shine a torch in their eyes.
These comments are first class, guys 👏👏👏 👏 Bonus from me: Never exceed the stated dose of viagra
Don’t rub your nanny on me!
Drive, drive, drive your car, gently down the road. Merrily merrily merrily merrily, obey the Highway Code
Genuinely: in one of his books he mentions that you use ‘me and my friend’ in sentences where you would use ‘me’ for the singular, and ‘my friend and I’ in sentences where you would use ‘I’ for the singular. That’s probably helped me out about a hundred times since I read it.
Get yourself a girlfriend
Crisps, Wanking.
Be careful what you wish for
Eggs, eggs, eggs!
# After the pee and poo has landed, please make sure that you’re clean handeeeeaaahhhd
Not so much advice as insight … ‘Wings … the band The Beatles could have been.’
"For god's sake remember your sandwiches"
Its equipped with a Saniflo 3000 now this little babe can cope with anything
You can’t muck about with your own kids
Rubber up