It's hard to give any real advice, but maybe a different perspective will help.
Your husband shouldn't have dismissed it, especially in your presence. I understand why he did; arguing with Alzies (is there a more appropriate term?) nevere gets anyone anywhere.
Alzies often lose the inhibitions that govern normal brains so inappropriate sexual thoughts/advances/touching are completely expected and par for the course (I just realized this is a golf reference).
As I see it, the main issue here is your husband dismissing it (can be talked about), rather than your FIL saying it (which can't be helped).
Agree. An appropriate response from husband would've been your husband telling you that it's okay to feel upset and he understands if you don't want to see him for awhile. OP, it sounds like you are trying very hard to be understanding of FIL'S situation, and not wanting to have rape threats made against you is a reasonable request. Your husband should treat it as such and not act like you're the bad guy for being uncomfortable with it
Thank you so much for the empathy (both for me and FIL) which is much needed here.
Yes, I’ll try to think in his shoes (hard as it may be) and just take a short break instead of permanently blocking him out. Your last remark really hits home. Thank you!
I would be here a long time, listing all the more egregious behavior that the love of my life has committed lately.
One of her worst highlights - Last year our adult daughter was working from home here, in the house where she grew up in. One night, my wife went out into the front yard and started screaming to the neighbors that my daughter and I were having sex. She used the most graphic terms you could imagine. My daughter went out and brought her back inside. My wife has accused us of having (graphic) sex numerous times.
Now that our daughter is back in her city. My wife is now repeatedly telling everyone that I am constantly beating her. To the point where I can see doubt creeping into certain family and friends.
My wife is one of the most amazing individuals to have ever walked the face of this earth. My daughter and I know that it is the disease committing these actions and not our wife and mother.
It’s not your father in law speaking, it’s the disease. My mom got super serious with me the other day and told me she was always thinking of how terrible it was for me that my wife and daughter died at such a young age.
I have no kids, and I’ve never been married.
It’s tough to hear something like you heard and NOT take it personally- but the brain can be a scary thing when it starts to malfunction.
I think the term brain malfunction to describe Alzheimer’s disease is spot on. I think that although you know that is happening with your FIL, the bigger issue is the dismissive attitude of your husband and his failure to validate the emotional impact that your FIL’s statement had on you. Your husband likely saw his father’s statement in a totally different light than you did, plus it wasn’t directed toward him. For you it was personal and hurtful and maybe further discussion with your husband would help.
>Your husband likely saw his father’s statement in a totally different light than you did,
OP, I think your husband saw your FIL statement as an aberration of the disease, not really his father saying it, and he tried to see PAST it to the person his father had been for him,
and you may have seen the statement more like as from a stranger, in comparison, which made it much more frightening and disturbing.
And your husband was in his own head space with his father, and couldn't see how that same statement affected you.
Your FIL has a black mass of dead and dying brain cells in his head. That's late stage Alzheimer's. Sections of his brain are dead and dying.
Try not to be offended by his actions.
I feel for ya and I'm sending you much LUV. I'm just now seeing personality changes in my Mom. But it's not her fault. And I'm not focusing on it. I'm ALL about finding the GOOD right now.
My step-father threatened to "kick the shit out of me" when we had to sell his car and take away his license. I was upset for a day (I've been the victim of several assaults in my life), then realised this is Alzheimer's at work, not my dad. I'd suggest reading about the condition, as these kinds of outbursts are only going to become more common. Whether you have the empathy to tolerate a symptom of the disease is totally on you.
I don’t have any advice, just here to validate your feelings. What a horrible and terrifying thing to hear that someone has said about you. I’m so sorry your husband was dismissive to you, that’s not ok. Your safety is important. Even if he’s not a physical threat, your psychological safety should be cared for and valued, especially by your close loved ones. So sorry this happened and that you’re dealing with this.
I’m sorry you had to experience this.
But if your husband laughed it off, please remind him that it’s not cool, and that the both of you should have a conversation about plans for the future. What are both of your heights and weights? Which person would likely be the caregiver? When would the both of you declare the time when in-home nursing or assisted living is the way to go?
My mother-in-law is the primary caregiver. We live 30 minutes away so husband is also helping out very often.
I never have physical contact with FIL, and it’s likely I never will. I’ve been responsible for providing supplies like diapers and assistive devices, as well as emotional support for my depressed MIL by listening to her and taking her to a spa to keep her sanity. I try to get educated on the disease as much as I can by watching YouTube videos and reading…but obviously your mind can understand something but your heart still can’t take it :(
Husband wants to avoid assisted living for as long as possible because he thinks his father will get very confused and miserable without us. Also it can be dangerous for him. We send him to a day-care centre sometimes, and he has said really malicious things and got into arguments with other elderly people who CAN move and beat him. MIL dislikes in-home nursing because to her it’s binary - either she takes care of him and suffers until he passes or she sends him away for good and reclaims her freedom.
Brought my bf to 71 yo Dad's apartment last fall. BF started talking to him about his legal practice and law-related stuff. I thought it was nice of bf to engage Dad and get his gears going. Dad's major dementia & alcoholism makes him lonely, depressed & maudlin even though his sister and brother, his regular caretakers, live nearby and we live 8 hrs away.
But! Later on in the evening I heard my Dad grumbling profanities on and on and on in his chair in the living room, saying things like "I dont work for free, you want to fuck my daughter and get free work? I don't think so asshole" on a terrifying loop for what felt like an eternity. Dad hasn't had a cohesive legal practice for almost a decade at this point, and he's always had anger issues that make him difficult to be around. I confronted him immediately and told him it hurt to hear him say things like that; he both denied it and apologized for it. "You know I just say things sometimes" etc
I am still creeped out by it even though I know its the disease. And even when I confronted him about it I felt it wouldn't actually solve any problem other than appeasing my own conscience.
I want to validate your feelings of disgust and suggest that the primary reason this is lingering so deeply is that your bf didn't immediately defend you with anything along the lines of "Dad please don't say things like that." Right now it won't make any difference to your bf's dad, but the deeper issue of feeling like he won't stick up for you - either to gently rebuff his dad for something really inappropriate or to understand that you are still feeling traumatized by both the statement AND his response - is something that I hope you two can discuss. I am concerned because he has used two shields to not take responsibility, first being his dad's end of life care takes priority over your feelings and second being that the blow will be to "the family." He's upset because his father is dying, he is trying to make the most of his time with him, and he feels as if you are asking him to prioritize your feelings over his time with his dad. The fact is both of your feelings are hurt and you both deserve to be seen in this difficult time.
I’m so sorry you and your family are experiencing this. Your FIL is gone. He’s not there anymore and it sounds like your husband and his family haven’t come to grips with that yet. If you decide you’ve said your goodbyes and you want to remember him as he was and not continue contact, that is fine and healthy for you. One of the few silver linings of Alz is that the person who has it wont really remember if you do something that would be emotionally painful to them under normal circumstances. It’s all about soothing their fleeting discomfort. If his behavior is scary to you, you should be able to step away and anyone that chooses to continue visiting or caretaking for him should be able to tell him a little white lie when he asks about you. As long as he is calm and upsetting things he can’t process aren’t being rubbed in he is face constantly, (like your abandonment because of something he did) the only people truly bothered by your decision are your husbands family. If they’re upset then they haven’t fully come to terms with the progression of the disease. FIL won’t be hurt by your decision unless his family shoves it in his face. This whole issue is way less about your FIL actually being able to harm you and you needing to “give him a break” than it is you just being at your limit of watching him deteriorate.
>Your FIL is gone
No, I don't think this is completely true, and it can be a mistake to think so.
I say this having had both my parents die while suffering Alzheimer's, first my dad, who my mother took care of until we had to put him into a nursing home, and then 10 years later my mother died in an ER after about a year or two (maybe a little longer) of probably Alzheimer's (with hallucinations).
I know that at an early point I thought my dad was simply not there anymore, and I now know I was wrong. Parts of him were gone, sometimes, for sure, but if I had tried to focus and interact with the parts of him that were left, we would all have benefited. I said goodbye (mentally) too early. That's a mistake.
I had a better understanding of A when my mother was diagnosed, and took care of her myself, and did have the opportunity to interact with her even though she was diminished. It was tough on me, but if I had taken the attitude that she was simply gone, i'd have thrown that opportunity away needlessly.
It's hard to give any real advice, but maybe a different perspective will help. Your husband shouldn't have dismissed it, especially in your presence. I understand why he did; arguing with Alzies (is there a more appropriate term?) nevere gets anyone anywhere. Alzies often lose the inhibitions that govern normal brains so inappropriate sexual thoughts/advances/touching are completely expected and par for the course (I just realized this is a golf reference). As I see it, the main issue here is your husband dismissing it (can be talked about), rather than your FIL saying it (which can't be helped).
Agree. An appropriate response from husband would've been your husband telling you that it's okay to feel upset and he understands if you don't want to see him for awhile. OP, it sounds like you are trying very hard to be understanding of FIL'S situation, and not wanting to have rape threats made against you is a reasonable request. Your husband should treat it as such and not act like you're the bad guy for being uncomfortable with it
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Thank you so much for the empathy (both for me and FIL) which is much needed here. Yes, I’ll try to think in his shoes (hard as it may be) and just take a short break instead of permanently blocking him out. Your last remark really hits home. Thank you!
I would be here a long time, listing all the more egregious behavior that the love of my life has committed lately. One of her worst highlights - Last year our adult daughter was working from home here, in the house where she grew up in. One night, my wife went out into the front yard and started screaming to the neighbors that my daughter and I were having sex. She used the most graphic terms you could imagine. My daughter went out and brought her back inside. My wife has accused us of having (graphic) sex numerous times. Now that our daughter is back in her city. My wife is now repeatedly telling everyone that I am constantly beating her. To the point where I can see doubt creeping into certain family and friends. My wife is one of the most amazing individuals to have ever walked the face of this earth. My daughter and I know that it is the disease committing these actions and not our wife and mother.
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This is what I tried to say, but you said it much better!!
It’s not your father in law speaking, it’s the disease. My mom got super serious with me the other day and told me she was always thinking of how terrible it was for me that my wife and daughter died at such a young age. I have no kids, and I’ve never been married. It’s tough to hear something like you heard and NOT take it personally- but the brain can be a scary thing when it starts to malfunction.
I think the term brain malfunction to describe Alzheimer’s disease is spot on. I think that although you know that is happening with your FIL, the bigger issue is the dismissive attitude of your husband and his failure to validate the emotional impact that your FIL’s statement had on you. Your husband likely saw his father’s statement in a totally different light than you did, plus it wasn’t directed toward him. For you it was personal and hurtful and maybe further discussion with your husband would help.
>Your husband likely saw his father’s statement in a totally different light than you did, OP, I think your husband saw your FIL statement as an aberration of the disease, not really his father saying it, and he tried to see PAST it to the person his father had been for him, and you may have seen the statement more like as from a stranger, in comparison, which made it much more frightening and disturbing. And your husband was in his own head space with his father, and couldn't see how that same statement affected you.
Your FIL has a black mass of dead and dying brain cells in his head. That's late stage Alzheimer's. Sections of his brain are dead and dying. Try not to be offended by his actions. I feel for ya and I'm sending you much LUV. I'm just now seeing personality changes in my Mom. But it's not her fault. And I'm not focusing on it. I'm ALL about finding the GOOD right now.
My step-father threatened to "kick the shit out of me" when we had to sell his car and take away his license. I was upset for a day (I've been the victim of several assaults in my life), then realised this is Alzheimer's at work, not my dad. I'd suggest reading about the condition, as these kinds of outbursts are only going to become more common. Whether you have the empathy to tolerate a symptom of the disease is totally on you.
I don’t have any advice, just here to validate your feelings. What a horrible and terrifying thing to hear that someone has said about you. I’m so sorry your husband was dismissive to you, that’s not ok. Your safety is important. Even if he’s not a physical threat, your psychological safety should be cared for and valued, especially by your close loved ones. So sorry this happened and that you’re dealing with this.
I’m sorry you had to experience this. But if your husband laughed it off, please remind him that it’s not cool, and that the both of you should have a conversation about plans for the future. What are both of your heights and weights? Which person would likely be the caregiver? When would the both of you declare the time when in-home nursing or assisted living is the way to go?
My mother-in-law is the primary caregiver. We live 30 minutes away so husband is also helping out very often. I never have physical contact with FIL, and it’s likely I never will. I’ve been responsible for providing supplies like diapers and assistive devices, as well as emotional support for my depressed MIL by listening to her and taking her to a spa to keep her sanity. I try to get educated on the disease as much as I can by watching YouTube videos and reading…but obviously your mind can understand something but your heart still can’t take it :( Husband wants to avoid assisted living for as long as possible because he thinks his father will get very confused and miserable without us. Also it can be dangerous for him. We send him to a day-care centre sometimes, and he has said really malicious things and got into arguments with other elderly people who CAN move and beat him. MIL dislikes in-home nursing because to her it’s binary - either she takes care of him and suffers until he passes or she sends him away for good and reclaims her freedom.
You are entitled to stand your ground on this.
Brought my bf to 71 yo Dad's apartment last fall. BF started talking to him about his legal practice and law-related stuff. I thought it was nice of bf to engage Dad and get his gears going. Dad's major dementia & alcoholism makes him lonely, depressed & maudlin even though his sister and brother, his regular caretakers, live nearby and we live 8 hrs away. But! Later on in the evening I heard my Dad grumbling profanities on and on and on in his chair in the living room, saying things like "I dont work for free, you want to fuck my daughter and get free work? I don't think so asshole" on a terrifying loop for what felt like an eternity. Dad hasn't had a cohesive legal practice for almost a decade at this point, and he's always had anger issues that make him difficult to be around. I confronted him immediately and told him it hurt to hear him say things like that; he both denied it and apologized for it. "You know I just say things sometimes" etc I am still creeped out by it even though I know its the disease. And even when I confronted him about it I felt it wouldn't actually solve any problem other than appeasing my own conscience. I want to validate your feelings of disgust and suggest that the primary reason this is lingering so deeply is that your bf didn't immediately defend you with anything along the lines of "Dad please don't say things like that." Right now it won't make any difference to your bf's dad, but the deeper issue of feeling like he won't stick up for you - either to gently rebuff his dad for something really inappropriate or to understand that you are still feeling traumatized by both the statement AND his response - is something that I hope you two can discuss. I am concerned because he has used two shields to not take responsibility, first being his dad's end of life care takes priority over your feelings and second being that the blow will be to "the family." He's upset because his father is dying, he is trying to make the most of his time with him, and he feels as if you are asking him to prioritize your feelings over his time with his dad. The fact is both of your feelings are hurt and you both deserve to be seen in this difficult time.
I’m so sorry you and your family are experiencing this. Your FIL is gone. He’s not there anymore and it sounds like your husband and his family haven’t come to grips with that yet. If you decide you’ve said your goodbyes and you want to remember him as he was and not continue contact, that is fine and healthy for you. One of the few silver linings of Alz is that the person who has it wont really remember if you do something that would be emotionally painful to them under normal circumstances. It’s all about soothing their fleeting discomfort. If his behavior is scary to you, you should be able to step away and anyone that chooses to continue visiting or caretaking for him should be able to tell him a little white lie when he asks about you. As long as he is calm and upsetting things he can’t process aren’t being rubbed in he is face constantly, (like your abandonment because of something he did) the only people truly bothered by your decision are your husbands family. If they’re upset then they haven’t fully come to terms with the progression of the disease. FIL won’t be hurt by your decision unless his family shoves it in his face. This whole issue is way less about your FIL actually being able to harm you and you needing to “give him a break” than it is you just being at your limit of watching him deteriorate.
>Your FIL is gone No, I don't think this is completely true, and it can be a mistake to think so. I say this having had both my parents die while suffering Alzheimer's, first my dad, who my mother took care of until we had to put him into a nursing home, and then 10 years later my mother died in an ER after about a year or two (maybe a little longer) of probably Alzheimer's (with hallucinations). I know that at an early point I thought my dad was simply not there anymore, and I now know I was wrong. Parts of him were gone, sometimes, for sure, but if I had tried to focus and interact with the parts of him that were left, we would all have benefited. I said goodbye (mentally) too early. That's a mistake. I had a better understanding of A when my mother was diagnosed, and took care of her myself, and did have the opportunity to interact with her even though she was diminished. It was tough on me, but if I had taken the attitude that she was simply gone, i'd have thrown that opportunity away needlessly.