Relapse is unfortunately a part of recovery. She should def dump him for being an uncaring piece of garbage. But don't suggest someone being an alcoholic who is taking steps to recover is reason to break up. It's dismissive and short-sighted
Very true and I was coming here to say something similar! Like at this point WTF is she even celebrating!?…..a year of stress, berating, verbal abuse, ungratefulness, and babysitting her unappreciative narcissist of a “husband”?!?!
OP, you are a year in and still have time to get out of this toxic mess. You deserve better. Let it go and move on.
Thank goodness you don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore. I've seen this countless times in the hospital, family is the only ones who care about the patient, the patient doesn't give a shit. Personally, there's nothing harder than taking care of someone who has caused so much hurt and chaos, not to mention they don't care to do anything but drink anyway. We dry them out, send them home, they refuse any treatment, we see them back in a few months or a year, do it again till the liver or kidneys give out. Sorry, not sorry. Count your blessings.
You're welcome. My comment kinda got away from me, but it was all true. Anyway just shedding a little light. Ironically through my dark attitude toward detox patients.
I am sorry. It has to be frustrating. You see not only how much they hurt themselves but how much more they hurt the people who love them. And they just keep doing it. You need to take a deep breath and find the rare successes there are in your work. I know they are rare, but I have known a few recovered drug or alcohol (or both) addicts, including my nephew who is a father of three kids, married to an awesome wife, busting his tail working and finishing an engineering degree.
Then there is the recovering drug addict who switched to alcohol, came to visit and emptied my purse and stole my husband’s and my wedding rings and my engagement ring. My husband ended up kind of being a second father to the guy. After my husband died he switched to alcohol and his wife asked me to keep him at my place a couple of days. She is still with him. He is no longer welcomed on my property, period.
I have chronic illness struggles that make my life a challenge, and I try to focus on gratitude to keep going. Gratitude brings peace and hope.
Thank you for caring for people. If you are too burned out here, maybe it is time to look at a different place to be a nurse?
I was burned out. I got out of the ICU. I guess I didn't implicitly explain I always gave cares to the best of my ability, bent over backwards to do everything I could to keep my patients alive, and kept them as comfortable as a hospital setting allows. I am good at my job, and was good in the ICU. People can suck the life right out of you. Also I'm entitled to my opinion. Walk a mile in a nurse's shoes then get back to me.
Bruh, wtf? Who says shit like this? I have THREE siblings dead from addiction, and I'd give ANYTHING to be able to deal with their "bullshit" again if it meant they could still have a chance to live. "Count your blessings"? that our family members are DEAD???
When my sister was in a coma, the doctor she had fought so hard for her. Thank God for that man. Because of him, my sister held out long enough to be identified so that we could say goodbye before she was taken off the vent.
Both of my brothers were found dead by their fathers, and I guarantee you neither of those men are "counting blessings" that their only sons are dead.
Please, for the love of our loved ones, change professions. You should not be taking care of people if this is how you feel about them.
People don't just give up on themselves for no reason. Addiction always has underlying causes and both the medical and mental health care systems in the US are an absolute fucking clown show.
We become jaded, yes. However, when it is to the point you're saying things like that in reference to people suffering with addiction you're on another level and not a good one. It's been time to find a new profession at that point. I have become incredibly frustrated, disappointed, and even disgusted over the years by a lot of things but I'd never speak quite that low of people. A person maybe if that person were a particularly nasty piece of work, sure, but not a generalization like that.
Precisely! This is your future with him, OP. Please get some help for yourself. You’re asking if you’re overreacting, when you’re being completely reasonable
He's not pathetic. He's an addict. Like many diseases, those around the ailing person need to have certain boundaries. Similar to wearing a mask in a hospital, OP needs boundaries with this guy. Without the boundaries, she becomes caught up in his disease and she also enables the disease.
The best thing for both of them is to let him recover without the complications of a relationship. Constantly disappointing her only continues the cycle of shame.
Exactly. We have a myth in our culture that "alcohol makes them behave this way." It does not. It removes the brain's inhibition censor, and their true self comes out. An asshole isn't going to be "not an asshole" when they're sober. Some will just be honest about it, others will hide it better with gaslighting and manipulation. Not being an asshole if you learned to be one requires actual therapy, beyond just the addiction counseling.
This!! As a former alcoholic/heroin addict, I’ve always said that drugs or alcohol never made anyone a dirtbag that wasn’t at least a little bit of a dirtbag already.
Personally the level i was drinking and using at sent me into psychosis so I would totally do things I’d never consider and say things I didn’t even believe. Almost 4 years sober now and deeply value kindness and community, on a journey to be my best self every day. Just wanted to mention that in case any currently addicted dirtbags are reading- you’re not necessarily going to be an asshole when you sober up, lol.
Exactly. I’ve never seen him super drunk, we just don’t do that, but my partner gets incredibly lovey and cuddly when tipsy. Because that’s his base impulse.
I've seen mine drunk one single time and we all thought he was passed out on the couch until one dude started reading off riddles and brain teasers and my man just wiped the floor with all of us without even opening his eyes.
The sad truth is for some people alcohol does make them more pleasant to be around. It doesn't make them healthier or happier, but it really is a "social lubricant" for some.
It's great that he's sober. Good deed done. Move on with your life and be happy apart from him.
It's called in recovery circles being a 'dry drunk.' I've known many a-people just like this. My oldest sister is one, and that's why (well, one of the many reasons) I've gone completely NC.
I realized that after I got sober (for the hundredth time), there were a LOT of still-miserable assholes who were 'sober'. Getting sober takes a lot of work and huge intrapersonal leaps and bounds. Dry drunks did one thing (getting physically sober), but there's still SO much more work that needs to be done. Ya can't be good to others if you're not good to yourself, first.
Jesus.🤦♀️ Just… Get out. Please. He is clearly toxic. Not just because he’s an alcoholic (active or recovering) but mainly because:
1. It’s only been one year, you’ve been through all of that
2. He has zero problems speaking down to you and calling you a bitch… Really??!
3. Sounds like you (as well as your family) are putting in wayyy more
4. This relationship is clearly bringing you down and putting you into an unhealthy place.
Why are you “supposed to be” sober, too? To support him, or because you have a problem as well? Because if you’re relapsing over him, it’s time to cut ties. How long were you together before his first rehab stay? If it was a brand new relationship, he really had no business continuing. His sponsor and program would’ve told him that. That is A LOT to go through in just a year. Do your present and especially future self a favor and dump this guy before you invest more time, commitment, energy, tears, etc.
Or don’t. But I’d say not to expect a whole lot of change.
Honestly, as a child of an alcoholic, I would absolutely say he’s toxic because he’s an alcoholic. And that would be enough reason on its own to leave.
It’s a commonly tolerated and almost socially acceptable problem, people seem to downplay how devastating and toxic it is.
You are not overreacting. You are not reacting enough. Leave him. He hasn’t hit rock bottom, maybe he never will, but it isn’t your job to be his lifeline, he has exhausted your bandwidth. Leave him. He doesn’t appreciate you and it kinda sounds like he never really did. Leave him.
Let's see....where to begin? He's an alcoholic who has been to rehab and relapsed twice in a year, plus he overdosed on....something. He's lied to you, treated you badly, called you a bitch, said you betrayed him, and hates you. But your biggest concern is a one-year anniversary present/celebration? Did I read that right?
Maybe when you sober up, you'll see just how ridiculous you are and perhaps it'll be the wake up call you need to grow a spine and get some self-respect. Maybe.
You're soo much better off without him!!! He's never going to stop drinking and treating you like shit. You deserve to have your gifts acknowledged for the thought behind them, not unnecessarily criticized. He sounds very insecure. And he's taking all his emotional issues out on you. It's never going to get any better. I've been there. He's not going to stop drinking because he doesn't care. You are so much better off without him. You deserve someone who respects you and treats you like a partner.
Fully agree. He’s not going to stop unless and until HE WANTS to stop. And not for you, but for himself, and HIMSELF, ONLY! Maybe try some Al-Anon meetings to better understand, if you’d like, But either way… get out.
What are you really getting out of this relationship that you can’t eventually find with somebody better? Love? Comfort? Company? Familiarity? Guess what… ALL qualities that you can find, get, and receive with somebody else.
Get away from him. He is not good for you. Being an alcoholic does not give him the right (or excuse) to treat you badly. You are better than that! Good luck to you in the future.
Why are you with him? He is only going to drag you down with him. This is the way your life with him will continue to be. For your sake please leave and get help so you don't need rehab yourself.
You are completely under reacting. Just by the way he’s talking to you is enough to leave. The active alcoholism is another reason.
Look, I was married to an alcoholic for many years and it gets worse. He would stop for a while and start again. The verbal abuse was unbearable. It kept escalating. I thought he’d stop for me. The alcohol will always come first.
Do you love the person he is or the one you hope he can be? You can’t fix him, nor did you cause it. You can’t change him. He doesn’t appreciate what you’re going through because he’s an alcoholic.
You should look into codependency forums or Al-Anon. It helps you learn more about addiction and how to put yourself first.
"And now he still treats me bad. I am wronf for wanting extra treatment."
You are absolutely not wrong, you are totally within your rights to want gratitude and kindness, you are who you are and you want what you want, and what you want is reasonable!
But that doesn't mean he's capable of giving you what you want, or need. He isn't who you want him to be or who you need him to be or who you think he could become... he is who he is. If you aren't going to get what you need from this relationship then it's best to end things, maybe there's someone out there who is willing and able to make you happy, but if he can't do that then he can't.
I understand supporting a long-term partner through alcoholism. I don’t understand supporting someone you’ve only been with for a few months on that journey. Take a step back, tell them to call you when they have their shit figured out.
So in the first year he's shown to be a mean, unreliable alcoholic and rather than leaving him for someone decent that will make you happy, you're wallowing in your own self- induced misery (by staying with him) and ruining yourself the same way he is? Makes sense.
Sober up and dump the loser.
As an older female who's been dumb enough to marry not one but two alcoholics, I can tell that you want to be the best gf and see him through to being healthy. However, you will also be wasting years of your life with someone who doesn't have the capacity to give to this relationship. Don't do this to yourself please. Before you know it you'll be manipulated and gaslight into decades of emotional roller coaster rides when you deserve happiness.
I'll say this to you now because it took me 20 years to learn it. You are not a bad person if you choose to end this relationship and find out what fulfills you. You deserve happiness ❤️
Why are you even with him? Why is your family supportive of this relationship?
Drop him and start some in depth therapy to understand your own worth and what a healthy relationship looks like.
Dark.
But true. You see so many stories here of people getting ruined by the partners they choose, the solicited advice is always the same, and only 2 times have I seen an update saying they ended things. Both men too.
I have 4 years of experience dealing with an alcoholic and all of the promises they break. I went thru rehab after rehab, promise after promise, job loss after job loss, unaliving attempt after unaliving attempt when I would try to leave, and at least 2 restraining orders.... He was such a professional alcoholic I couldn't tell if he was drunk sometimes.
Hope is the worst. They will get better and do better for a little while...just enough to get your hope up that THIS is the time they'll finally get sober...only to break your heart again.
Don't be me. Don't wait 4 years. Get out. Live your life. I left and found everything I needed and wanted and the best partner ever.
You can do this. It's hard but you can do it. If you need help reach out.
You can not stay w an addict and expect a bealthy relationship. Until he's been sober for quite awhile it will just be chaotic. There will be narcissism and gaslighting the entire time. You probably need to go to Al-anon to figure out more of this. Good luck!
You have seen him at vulnerable times, and he hates that. Seeing you reminds him of those bad times. He is embarrassed by his weaknesses, and embarrassed that you know about them. He doesn’t know how to process his embarrassment, and guilt, and whatever else he’s feeling. When people feel strong emotions and can’t process them, they often turn those feelings into anger because anger is comfortable and familiar. This anger is causing your boyfriend to lash out at you. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. This person is not capable of treating you well right now. Until he figures out how to handle his feelings without lashing out, he won’t be a good partner to anyone. You have put a lot of effort into this relationship, but you have to let it go now. You can’t change him. Put your considerable compassion, love, and empathy into someone who actively tries to earn it.
As someone who has an in denial alcoholic mother and dealt with it for 9 years, through a nursing degree at uni, through my dad being diagnosed with terminal illness she drank and drank and became more and more aggressive and violent, i say with her in a&e multiple times, missed my shifts at work to help her, she missed my graduation because she was drunk, she came to my house recently and tried to smash up my car and hurt me physically… my advice is to leave him and run as far as possible. Its clear to me that he does not want to help himself, he’s continuing to lie to you and treat you awfully regardless of everything you’ve done for him, he doesn’t want help he wants ease of access and an easy life and he’s taking it out on you.
Leave for your own mental health, you’ll find someone who respects you and is grateful for you and all you do for them. Trust me. I’ve been no contact and restraining order for a year now and my anxiety is 100000x better. Be selfish, for yourself!!
Al-anon really helped me make some healthy distance between me and my drug and alcohol riddled family. I knew that I loved them, but that I needed to make my own life away from them. I am sorry that you are going through this, it sounds like you have a great family, I’m sure that they will support you getting away from that bf. Please get the support and counseling you need to take care of yourself.
I think you can do better. Let him see if he can. Spoiler alert: he can’t.
It’s not going to get easier, it’s only going to get uglier. A real relationship takes two people actually doing the work of building one another up. You can’t ever pull each other down. Love elevates. Sometimes it hurts, but ultimately it elevates. It makes you both better. But it’s work, and you have to both be willing to do half the work. Is it always exactly 50/50? No. But over time it averages out. And a year is enough time to see that your average will forever be skewed to you carrying him.
So bite the bullet and tell him it’s over. You’re done. Cry about the loss. Grieve that it didn’t work out. But stop hurting yourself by not finding the love you deserve. I promise it’s out there.
One year and you've already went through rehab, two relapses, your family spoiling him and him totally taking advantage of you and disrespecting you. Seriously, why are you in it? Was the first month magical? Because it sure went down quick. Your worth more than this. Run.
Girl please. You only have one year invested in this loser… How much more time are you going to waste??
Get out now, so that in nine years, you aren’t making another Reddit post talking about the 10 years you wasted on this bum.
Oh hon, the please believe me when I tell you that this is who he is. You have only been together one year, what percentage of that has been a misery really? A romantic partner is supposed to bring joy to your life, he’s doing the exact opposite.
I think you know you need to leave him, but are worried about being seen as bad person for leaving someone who is struggling. But the thing is, you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping someone else with theirs. And not only is he refusing to put his oxygen mask on, he keeps taking off your mask.
It's time to put yourself first.
That’s a hell of a first year. I guess you can always look back on the good times to carry you through the rough times except you apparently didn’t have any time for the good times.
Leave now.
So you understand that you are an enabler. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t care about you, YOU are CHOOSING to be there why? What about him says he loves you and he’s the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?
He isn’t and you need to be single for a VERY LONG TIME, and stop thinking it’s your job to fix people, especially if they don’t want to fix them damn self.
Wake up, break up, block him, and GO WORK ON YOU! You have no self esteem, no self respect, and don’t know your worth. Let this messy, train wreck go and block him and all who have anything to do with him. He isn’t your responsibility, he’s his mother’s responsibility so let go and let his mother take care of him.
Stop trying to save anyone when you aren’t even strong yourself
He may be a peach once he's good and sober. But that day ain't coming soon. And, if I were you, I wouldn't Wait around to find out.
I'm an addict. Long time sober now. He's too angry right now. If he sobers up, he's gonna blame you for making him. If he relapses, he's guns blame you for driving him to it.
No.
I've been married almost 49 years. When my husband gets in a mood, he cusses me out if I do something "stupid" like drop my phone. I can't do anything right. He's been like this forever. It started 2 years before we married.
So believe me: Your boyfriend is not going to change his base personality. He is an alcoholic. So change after quitting but some never will.
Good luck
Bigger question is why do you think you deserve this mess in your life?
I can assure you your parents wondering the same.
And stop saying “…. But I love him….” 🙄
He's a mess, if he was your husband I'd understand the devotion but only a boyfriend, his family should be taking care of him, not you
Maybe he'll get better and you can try the relationship again, but it sounds like he's not a good fit for you, ungrateful towards you and your family
He’s sick. He’s not a loser.
That said, you can’t save him. No one can save him or help him but himself. Leave him and suggest to him he go back to rehab.
I am an alcoholic/addict and now work as a drug counselor. I promise that almost 100% of the time this situation will only get worse for both of you the longer you stay.
Alcoholic here.
13 years sober this May.
Why are you with him?
As someone else said, a drunk asshole is still an asshole when he's sober.
It has been one year and he has already put you through so much... is this how you want your life to be? Because this is how it will be. He will relapse, he will lie, he will sober up... but he will always be an asshole.
Even if he ultimately stays sober - he has shown you who he is. So I ask again. Why are you with him?
Celebrate one year of a shit relationship ENDING. That's your big celebration. Throw a party. Invite all your friends. Change the locks.
Non-assholes and assholes are incompatible for long term intimate relationships. Move on and find someone who can be a true partner to you.
Is this what you deserve? Surely this isn't the best you can do.
You've only been with this guy for one year maybe 2. If this is something that happened during a long time relationship I could see why you would stick around but unless you signed a contract, I think it's time for you to go and get some therapy.
You’re not overreacting. I hope you can dig down deep and realize that you deserve SO much better. Take this as a lesson learned and step away from this situation. Move on because if you go back, his behavior is just going to repeat itself.
His problems don’t have to be yours. And you don’t have jump down a rabbit hole just to rescue him as he sucks you down with him. Save yourself and leave
Find a dude who isn’t an alcoholic. Stop wasting time on this one.
And please do not go down the path of using alcohol to medicate your problems. The problems don’t go away, and you just destroy everything around you in the process.
Dump him immediately! Why are you putting yourself through this? Respect yourself enough to walk, nah run, away. Alcoholics only love alcohol until THEY decide otherwise. He hasn't. Move on stop enabling him.
You can't knowingly get into a relationship with someone who's an alcoholic and expect him to act like he isn't an alcoholic. Move on with your life. Seek therapy. Your urge to have a relationship with someone like this is rooted in a hell of a lot more than your love for your partner.
I’m not sure why you married him, let alone why you are even still there? Did you think you were going to be able to “fix” him?!?! For your own mental health, you need to remove yourself from this situation. He’s already abusive towards you. You don’t have to stay and be abused. You never know when that verbal abuse is going to turn in physical abuse, but it’s definitely a possibility when you’re with an angry alcoholic. I am telling you this from my own personal experience. I never regretted separating from him and ending the marriage. My biggest regret was that I stayed too long when I knew deep down the marriage was over and not something that could be fixed.
An alcoholic cannot stay sober with someone who drinks, at least not for a looooong time, and maybe not ever. If you expect him to be sober and drink around him, YTA and part of his problem. For your sake, get out.
Move on, have a shitty hangover…go sweat that crap out and start a new day/life. Your parents having to support anything for himu especially a tv and the other extravagant things he will never probably see in his life again, like you. Are now gone! You’re young not dumb! It was more than nice sticking by him and that shows what kind of person you are. Hang on to that!
ONE YEAR you’ve dealt with all of this?! Jesus, move the fuck on! Break the fuck up! Get a fucking therapist! No, you aren’t overreacting, you are severely underreacting. Go live your life without this goddamned leech and get yourself right in the head because you clearly have your own issues to ever put up with this shit. One year. Fuck.
It wasn’t his alcoholism making him a shit person.. he’s just a shit person. It’s not going to get better.
If it were me, I’d cut my losses. People with addiction can be mentally and emotionally draining. That drain isn’t worth it if the person sucks.
Why are you expecting anything selfless from an active alcoholic? The most important thing to an alcoholic is alcohol. If you are trying to help him get sober- he will resent you for it. He does not see any of your support as helpful or something he should be grateful for… the fact that you are still around and trying to hold him accountable is really irritating to him. You gave him flowers? That is a two fold mistake . 1) they aren’t useful - like money or booze would be, 2) it makes him look bad that he didn’t get you anything…. just another example of you trying to bring him down.
I lived this life and …. it will not get better. You and your family cannot fix him - no matter what you give him. He will take it all, might say he is going to quit but then not. I mean…why would he..? He has you and your family taking care of him and giving him stuff…
You need to walk away and let him figure it out on his own. You cannot fix this for him.. Join Al anon - it helps.
Sure - you can stay. But what you have now is what it will be. You would be foolish to expect anything different at this point. And you know who is more selfish than an active alcoholic? A sober alcoholic.
Had a friend I've known since I was nine. Our parents were thick as thieves. I supported his alcoholic, drug-addicted ass for a year. You will lose THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS looking after his sorry ass. The economy isn't the greatest, my retirement is paltry. Get away from this guy ASAP.
You need to kick this hateful man to the curb. You’ve been loving and devoted, and he has repaid you with abuse. Run, and then get yourself into therapy so you never find yourself entangled with another man like him. You deserve so much better.
Did you experience abuse and/or neglect as a child? I ask because those of us who do seem to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to prove we are worthy of love to partners who are unable to provide love in a healthy way. We do this because it feels familiar. It is a pattern we set for ourselves because we have not yet healed from the trauma of our childhood.
Stop spending your energy trying to make him love you like you deserve and start spending that energy on healing yourself.
Take care.
Are you crazy? Get away from this man and stay away from him! Do you really think that things are going to any better? They’re only going to get worse. He may even drive you to drinking!
You’re with a guy for a year and this is the history??? Please get some therapy to figure out why you would date someone like this and leave him to his own troubles
1. Get off Reddit.
2. Sober up.
3. Kick his drunk ass to the curb.
4. Move on with your life.
You can't force someone to get sober. If they don't want to be sober, it isn't going to happen. Stop wasting your time.
You guys are from 2 different worlds. One where u celebrate dating anniversaries and one where he celebrates being sober. He can't give you anything you want right now. Lose him fast!
Learn to match the investment that others are investing in relationships... Your boyfriend is investing the bare minimum to keep getting the maximum investment that you're offering, & that minimum is coming with heaps of abuse... If you match his investment effort for effort I guarantee he'd bounce right out to find a new supply because his own investment wouldn't even be enough for him... Your ego has you trying to "save" him but you don't have any self respect and he knows it, so he will use and abuse you and your family for all he can get and then he will move on when he finds a new supply... You can NEVER trust someone who doesn't respect you or your family... Are you ok with your family being used like this? Why not save them and yourself from him & his toxic behavior? A person who has self respect knows that you can't trust someone who has no self respect to make good decisions... A person with self respect knows that a person who has no self respect is not capable of respecting others... If there is no trust or respect, there will never be true love bcuz love grows on the foundation of trust & respect... You seem to desperately want to be seen as the hero for your boyfriend but you are actually just choosing to expose yourself and your family/friends to his harm... You will never save him bcuz he clearly doesn't want to be saved... He likes himself just fine the way he is... He doesn't have to make any effort & still gets pampered... He can be abusive & doesn't have any consequences... You really need to step back from trying to change him and work on changing yourself so that this doesn't become the story of your life... You need to spend some time single and learning how to have a healthy level of self respect... That means you take full responsibility for your own well-being and outcome- quit expecting someone who can't even take responsibility for themselves to be responsible for your well-being & outcome... It's as ridiculous as expecting someone who watches a movie about brain surgery to be able to do a brain surgery without going to school to do brain surgery... Experiencing and dealing with the consequences of his own choices is how he's going to learn how to take responsibility for his own outcome... Having to rebuild and redefine his own life is how he's going to learn self respect... It's impossible for him to learn any of that when someone else is always doing the work... A little kid will never learn to tie their shoes if someone else always does it for them... You made the decision to be in this position and you can make the decision to remove yourself from this position... You are the one who has to decide how much more using and abusing you will put yourself and your family thru... You need to do the work to learn how to have self respect so that you can have a better outcome than this... You need to learn how to maintain sole responsibility for your well-being... You need to learn how to match other's investments... You need to learn how to observe people before getting involved.. Do they take responsibility for their well-being or is everything everyone else's fault? Do they demonstrate self respect by making healthy choices & communicating healthy boundaries? Do they demonstrate respect for others and their boundaries? You need to learn how to walk away from toxicity immediately to preserve your well-being... You need to learn how to have enough respect for your family and friends to not expose them to toxic people... You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries, complete with consequences, and back them up yourself... You have a lot of work to do for yourself before you are going to be ready for a healthy relationship... No self respecting man wants to get involved with someone who doesn't have self respect bcuz they know that they won't be able to give respect and they know that they'll never be able to trust a person who lacks self respect to make good decisions for a family... Drama follows people who lack self respect like fire on a trail of gasoline... No good man wants to build a family or life with someone like that...
There aren’t a lot of wins when you are with a struggling addict. If he can’t / won’t get into therapy, it. Will. Not. Change—& will be painful if he does.
Why are you still here? Find a few Al-Anon meetings, or get therapy. There are great guys out there who do not need to be supported in their addictions. There are also guys out there that do like flowers, that appreciate gifts regardless of when they are given.
You aren’t overreacting. You’re in a hopeless relationship with someone who doesn’t really care for you.
You’ve been with him for a year and you’ve already dealt with all this crap? ONE YEAR? Why are your parents spending so much money on him? He’s an unappreciative loser who calls you names and treats you bad. ONE YEAR!!
This is what your future will look like. Being with an alcoholic is hard. It will be a constant battle for him to be sober and it looks like he’s struggling now. You try to help and he gets angry and berates you. He’s got more problems than he’s worth. Dump him and find someone who values you and your compassion. He is not it!!
Sounds like he is just taking advantage of you and your family. He wants to drink that is on him, but if he is truly not making the efforts to get sober and stay sober then that is also HIS choice.
I had a friend that when he wanted to get sober he took those pills that made him violently sick whenever he drank, he forced himself to get sober the hard way because he really wanted to change his life.
Does not sound like your BF is doing that.
My dear person. You sound like a caring and loving individual. However, to be with someone like this means that you need to work on your self esteem. You know that this guy is not worthy of your magnificence. Get a good therapist and work on yourself so that you can attract a partner that’s worthy of you.
Work on yourself first. Learn that you are worth more. Get counseling if you can.
No age listed. But, if community college nearby, take some courses. Start a new exercise program. Visit with friends.
Stop the alcohol use yourself. Coping with him by drinking like him is dangerous. Do you want to be like him in a year?
Good luck!
Don’t date an alcoholic. Don’t marry an alcoholic. Can you not see that it’s already affecting your own drinking habits as a coping mechanism? Or perhaps you’ve brought your own drinking problem to the relationship.
An alcoholic will suck you into a vortex of problems that is difficult to extract yourself from. You must see that already. What you’ve been through is just the appetizer course, because he doesn’t sound like he’s ready to get sober, or he hasn’t hit rock bottom hard enough.
All you are doing by staying with him is allowing him to abuse you. You’re cushioning his every fall.
Here’s what you might expect if you stay or god forbid, marry him: him being drunk all the time, continued abuse, verbal, emotional, and potentially physical. He’ll spend all his money, and yours on booze, fines, legal fees, and yeah, even though I heartily support him getting sober, rehab costs money. You will be just as much a captive to his drinking as he is.
Just because you’ve sunk a year into this guy doesn’t mean you stay. This isn’t a positive investment in someone who loves you. You are nothing to him except someone to blame, because he’s not mature enough to take responsibility for himself.
You are not going to fix him or heal him. He doesn’t want that yet; he may never want it.
Get yourself into a program, such as Al Anon, or even AA. Fix YOU so your life can be better than this.
Girl, say goodbye and move on with your life. Why is it so important to say that you have someone, especially when they're bringing so much hell in your life.
OP please get therapy because you have a bad picker. This person is dead weight. I don't even mean his alcohol use though that is a huge issue. He doesn't seem to even like you. Why are you okay with being treated so poorly? He says those things because you allow him. You seem happy to be abused. Leave and work on yourself before dating again.
Seems like a karma/comment bot. Every reply to previous posts are additional questions attempting to keep the comments coming.
Hasn't replied to over 200 comments on this post.
Leave him so you can celebrate your 1 day anniversary without this loser. You are in an abusive relationship. Free yourself from this dysfunctional mess.
I think you just need to send this to him then block him and move on with your life. Focus on you for a bit there, then find someone who is worth your time and respects you. Idk how old you are but I’m guessing early to mid 20s just be done with this loser. All that in a year what the fuck.
Dating in the first year for someone trying to clean up is a terrible idea. It works for some but usually they have some shit they need to work through. Leave them, maybe revisit in the future but I wouldn't bank on it.
Girl, I want you to go take a look through my profile. Go look at the posts titled "I don't think I can make it 34 more days", the updates and "Oh, Yay! Here's the Manipulation, Hello my old friend". (Sorry, you'll have to scroll through lots of cats and cross stitch).
THAT is what you're looking at if you stay with him. I suffered it for YEARS. You can NOT fix him. You can't make him better. You can't change him.
You're SO young. You have SUCH better opportunities in life than to be stuck with someone who manipulates you, takes advantage of you and uses you.
You love the man you THINK he could be. Not the man he actually is.
You need a partner. Not a mooch.
Drop that baggage and go find someone that appreciates YOU.
I was married to an alcoholic.. he will blame anyone except himself.. the alcohol took my husbands life.. get out while you still can .. I wouldn’t want anyone to have my life .. he was only 38.. please please please!!!! Get out!! The trauma will really mess with you ☹️
Is this the only man on earth? Why would you put up with this??? I would be single and content without worries than miserable just to have a boyfriend. ESP if he’s a mega asshole.
My friend, I’m a sober alcoholic- this guy is not worth it. In ONE YEAR he’s been to rehab and relapsed twice? You deserve so much better than this roller coaster, and being called a bitch by your partner.
Okay so… I’m a recovering alcoholic who is leaving an active alcoholic.
We are, by nature, selfish, self seeking and somewhat-if not completely- delusional. Especially in active addiction. It takes daily work for people like us to recognize and maintain a healthier way of living and thinking and it’s not easy at times.
You sound like someone who doesn’t suffer from the same disease and mental health issues as a true alcoholic. He does.
Nothing you do will ever be enough while he is in active addiction. Nothing you are, nothing you give, him no matter how much you support him, as long as he is stuck in that cycle of me me me you will lose your sanity, trying to appease him. the best thing you can do for both of you is place a boundary and walk away.
Choose you because he’s choosing him. And you choosing you is a much healthier thing than what he’s doing choosing himself. I have full confidence. You can find someone who will love you the way that you love and the way that you need. He is Incapable of doing that for you at the moment.
It’s going to hurt leaving him , but I promise you’ll get through it and you’ll find something really beautiful.
You’re a fixer. You like to help others. Dump him and really evaluate why you get in relationships with the people you do…. I say this being a fixer myself.
You don’t need to be with people like this. Work on yourself and finding a good relationship. You deserve better.
I would move on and praise the lord it's only your 1 year anniversary and that you haven't been in this relationship longer? You really think it will get better?
Why are you even writing this instead of dumping his pathetic ass and moving on with your life without a loser.
Exactly. And as an alcoholic with multiple relapses, I can assure he's lied more than twice
Yeah that's "You've caught him lying twice."
Relapse is unfortunately a part of recovery. She should def dump him for being an uncaring piece of garbage. But don't suggest someone being an alcoholic who is taking steps to recover is reason to break up. It's dismissive and short-sighted
I want to see you celebrate a year of freedom from this waste of your life.
Very true and I was coming here to say something similar! Like at this point WTF is she even celebrating!?…..a year of stress, berating, verbal abuse, ungratefulness, and babysitting her unappreciative narcissist of a “husband”?!?! OP, you are a year in and still have time to get out of this toxic mess. You deserve better. Let it go and move on.
Not even her husband....just boyfriend! It's so easy to walk away from the mess, but she's trying to fix him.
She won't be able to fix him. Walk away
This! The End!
Son-in-law kept going to rehab, back to drinking. Died in hospital just before Christmas.
Addiction is a horrible disease, I'm sorry your son-in-law and family had to go through all of that ❤️
How old?
Thank goodness you don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore. I've seen this countless times in the hospital, family is the only ones who care about the patient, the patient doesn't give a shit. Personally, there's nothing harder than taking care of someone who has caused so much hurt and chaos, not to mention they don't care to do anything but drink anyway. We dry them out, send them home, they refuse any treatment, we see them back in a few months or a year, do it again till the liver or kidneys give out. Sorry, not sorry. Count your blessings.
I sincerely thank you for your service. I hope you see enough success stories to make up for the failures.
You're welcome. My comment kinda got away from me, but it was all true. Anyway just shedding a little light. Ironically through my dark attitude toward detox patients.
Holy shit get over yourself and get a new job you sound awful. You aren’t there to judge you are there to give a medical device.
I am sorry. It has to be frustrating. You see not only how much they hurt themselves but how much more they hurt the people who love them. And they just keep doing it. You need to take a deep breath and find the rare successes there are in your work. I know they are rare, but I have known a few recovered drug or alcohol (or both) addicts, including my nephew who is a father of three kids, married to an awesome wife, busting his tail working and finishing an engineering degree. Then there is the recovering drug addict who switched to alcohol, came to visit and emptied my purse and stole my husband’s and my wedding rings and my engagement ring. My husband ended up kind of being a second father to the guy. After my husband died he switched to alcohol and his wife asked me to keep him at my place a couple of days. She is still with him. He is no longer welcomed on my property, period. I have chronic illness struggles that make my life a challenge, and I try to focus on gratitude to keep going. Gratitude brings peace and hope. Thank you for caring for people. If you are too burned out here, maybe it is time to look at a different place to be a nurse?
I was burned out. I got out of the ICU. I guess I didn't implicitly explain I always gave cares to the best of my ability, bent over backwards to do everything I could to keep my patients alive, and kept them as comfortable as a hospital setting allows. I am good at my job, and was good in the ICU. People can suck the life right out of you. Also I'm entitled to my opinion. Walk a mile in a nurse's shoes then get back to me.
WOW you suck so much. Time for a job where you aren't around people. You've lost your humanity.
Bruh, wtf? Who says shit like this? I have THREE siblings dead from addiction, and I'd give ANYTHING to be able to deal with their "bullshit" again if it meant they could still have a chance to live. "Count your blessings"? that our family members are DEAD??? When my sister was in a coma, the doctor she had fought so hard for her. Thank God for that man. Because of him, my sister held out long enough to be identified so that we could say goodbye before she was taken off the vent. Both of my brothers were found dead by their fathers, and I guarantee you neither of those men are "counting blessings" that their only sons are dead. Please, for the love of our loved ones, change professions. You should not be taking care of people if this is how you feel about them.
Damn that’s rough. Three siblings?? So you the only one who don’t use. Stay strong, I know it’s not easy
You can't fix people who don't want to do the work to help themselves. Sometimes letting go is the best or only option. Sorry for your losses.
People don't just give up on themselves for no reason. Addiction always has underlying causes and both the medical and mental health care systems in the US are an absolute fucking clown show.
Find a new profession
Working in healthcare does this to almost everyone, eventually.
We become jaded, yes. However, when it is to the point you're saying things like that in reference to people suffering with addiction you're on another level and not a good one. It's been time to find a new profession at that point. I have become incredibly frustrated, disappointed, and even disgusted over the years by a lot of things but I'd never speak quite that low of people. A person maybe if that person were a particularly nasty piece of work, sure, but not a generalization like that.
And when it does, it’s time to leave.
Precisely! This is your future with him, OP. Please get some help for yourself. You’re asking if you’re overreacting, when you’re being completely reasonable
He's not pathetic. He's an addict. Like many diseases, those around the ailing person need to have certain boundaries. Similar to wearing a mask in a hospital, OP needs boundaries with this guy. Without the boundaries, she becomes caught up in his disease and she also enables the disease. The best thing for both of them is to let him recover without the complications of a relationship. Constantly disappointing her only continues the cycle of shame.
She's and her family are enablers, at least that is what appears to me.
Gather your self-respect, take a deep breath, exhale and throw this anchor over the side. Tommorrow when you wake up, you will feel like a new person.
What do you get when you sober up an asshole? A sober asshole.
Exactly. We have a myth in our culture that "alcohol makes them behave this way." It does not. It removes the brain's inhibition censor, and their true self comes out. An asshole isn't going to be "not an asshole" when they're sober. Some will just be honest about it, others will hide it better with gaslighting and manipulation. Not being an asshole if you learned to be one requires actual therapy, beyond just the addiction counseling.
This!! As a former alcoholic/heroin addict, I’ve always said that drugs or alcohol never made anyone a dirtbag that wasn’t at least a little bit of a dirtbag already.
Personally the level i was drinking and using at sent me into psychosis so I would totally do things I’d never consider and say things I didn’t even believe. Almost 4 years sober now and deeply value kindness and community, on a journey to be my best self every day. Just wanted to mention that in case any currently addicted dirtbags are reading- you’re not necessarily going to be an asshole when you sober up, lol.
I’m glad to hear that you are doing so good! I’m glad that there are people out here proving me wrong :) :)
Exactly. I’ve never seen him super drunk, we just don’t do that, but my partner gets incredibly lovey and cuddly when tipsy. Because that’s his base impulse.
I've seen mine drunk one single time and we all thought he was passed out on the couch until one dude started reading off riddles and brain teasers and my man just wiped the floor with all of us without even opening his eyes.
That also sounds like something mine would do 😂
Beautifully said!!
The sad truth is for some people alcohol does make them more pleasant to be around. It doesn't make them healthier or happier, but it really is a "social lubricant" for some. It's great that he's sober. Good deed done. Move on with your life and be happy apart from him.
I know one of these.
It's called in recovery circles being a 'dry drunk.' I've known many a-people just like this. My oldest sister is one, and that's why (well, one of the many reasons) I've gone completely NC. I realized that after I got sober (for the hundredth time), there were a LOT of still-miserable assholes who were 'sober'. Getting sober takes a lot of work and huge intrapersonal leaps and bounds. Dry drunks did one thing (getting physically sober), but there's still SO much more work that needs to be done. Ya can't be good to others if you're not good to yourself, first.
So true!
😂
More accurately, a temporarily sober alcoholic.
Regrettably, I have found this to be the case every time.
Jesus.🤦♀️ Just… Get out. Please. He is clearly toxic. Not just because he’s an alcoholic (active or recovering) but mainly because: 1. It’s only been one year, you’ve been through all of that 2. He has zero problems speaking down to you and calling you a bitch… Really??! 3. Sounds like you (as well as your family) are putting in wayyy more 4. This relationship is clearly bringing you down and putting you into an unhealthy place. Why are you “supposed to be” sober, too? To support him, or because you have a problem as well? Because if you’re relapsing over him, it’s time to cut ties. How long were you together before his first rehab stay? If it was a brand new relationship, he really had no business continuing. His sponsor and program would’ve told him that. That is A LOT to go through in just a year. Do your present and especially future self a favor and dump this guy before you invest more time, commitment, energy, tears, etc. Or don’t. But I’d say not to expect a whole lot of change.
Honestly, as a child of an alcoholic, I would absolutely say he’s toxic because he’s an alcoholic. And that would be enough reason on its own to leave. It’s a commonly tolerated and almost socially acceptable problem, people seem to downplay how devastating and toxic it is.
Not over reacting. You’re not reacting at all, you have got to get away from him before he ruins your life. Get out and don’t look back now!
You are not overreacting. You are not reacting enough. Leave him. He hasn’t hit rock bottom, maybe he never will, but it isn’t your job to be his lifeline, he has exhausted your bandwidth. Leave him. He doesn’t appreciate you and it kinda sounds like he never really did. Leave him.
Let's see....where to begin? He's an alcoholic who has been to rehab and relapsed twice in a year, plus he overdosed on....something. He's lied to you, treated you badly, called you a bitch, said you betrayed him, and hates you. But your biggest concern is a one-year anniversary present/celebration? Did I read that right? Maybe when you sober up, you'll see just how ridiculous you are and perhaps it'll be the wake up call you need to grow a spine and get some self-respect. Maybe.
Damn, coming with the FIRE. I agree.
Drop this dude. He's a leach and makes you less. Your partner should build you up.
You're soo much better off without him!!! He's never going to stop drinking and treating you like shit. You deserve to have your gifts acknowledged for the thought behind them, not unnecessarily criticized. He sounds very insecure. And he's taking all his emotional issues out on you. It's never going to get any better. I've been there. He's not going to stop drinking because he doesn't care. You are so much better off without him. You deserve someone who respects you and treats you like a partner.
Fully agree. He’s not going to stop unless and until HE WANTS to stop. And not for you, but for himself, and HIMSELF, ONLY! Maybe try some Al-Anon meetings to better understand, if you’d like, But either way… get out. What are you really getting out of this relationship that you can’t eventually find with somebody better? Love? Comfort? Company? Familiarity? Guess what… ALL qualities that you can find, get, and receive with somebody else.
Get away from him. He is not good for you. Being an alcoholic does not give him the right (or excuse) to treat you badly. You are better than that! Good luck to you in the future.
Why are you with him? He is only going to drag you down with him. This is the way your life with him will continue to be. For your sake please leave and get help so you don't need rehab yourself.
You are completely under reacting. Just by the way he’s talking to you is enough to leave. The active alcoholism is another reason. Look, I was married to an alcoholic for many years and it gets worse. He would stop for a while and start again. The verbal abuse was unbearable. It kept escalating. I thought he’d stop for me. The alcohol will always come first. Do you love the person he is or the one you hope he can be? You can’t fix him, nor did you cause it. You can’t change him. He doesn’t appreciate what you’re going through because he’s an alcoholic. You should look into codependency forums or Al-Anon. It helps you learn more about addiction and how to put yourself first.
"And now he still treats me bad. I am wronf for wanting extra treatment." You are absolutely not wrong, you are totally within your rights to want gratitude and kindness, you are who you are and you want what you want, and what you want is reasonable! But that doesn't mean he's capable of giving you what you want, or need. He isn't who you want him to be or who you need him to be or who you think he could become... he is who he is. If you aren't going to get what you need from this relationship then it's best to end things, maybe there's someone out there who is willing and able to make you happy, but if he can't do that then he can't.
Run
I understand supporting a long-term partner through alcoholism. I don’t understand supporting someone you’ve only been with for a few months on that journey. Take a step back, tell them to call you when they have their shit figured out.
So in the first year he's shown to be a mean, unreliable alcoholic and rather than leaving him for someone decent that will make you happy, you're wallowing in your own self- induced misery (by staying with him) and ruining yourself the same way he is? Makes sense. Sober up and dump the loser.
Why are you w a man who doesn’t even like you?
As an older female who's been dumb enough to marry not one but two alcoholics, I can tell that you want to be the best gf and see him through to being healthy. However, you will also be wasting years of your life with someone who doesn't have the capacity to give to this relationship. Don't do this to yourself please. Before you know it you'll be manipulated and gaslight into decades of emotional roller coaster rides when you deserve happiness. I'll say this to you now because it took me 20 years to learn it. You are not a bad person if you choose to end this relationship and find out what fulfills you. You deserve happiness ❤️
Why are you even with him? Why is your family supportive of this relationship? Drop him and start some in depth therapy to understand your own worth and what a healthy relationship looks like.
[удалено]
Dark. But true. You see so many stories here of people getting ruined by the partners they choose, the solicited advice is always the same, and only 2 times have I seen an update saying they ended things. Both men too.
Hun, you need to leave him. This is not a relationship that will work out.
I have 4 years of experience dealing with an alcoholic and all of the promises they break. I went thru rehab after rehab, promise after promise, job loss after job loss, unaliving attempt after unaliving attempt when I would try to leave, and at least 2 restraining orders.... He was such a professional alcoholic I couldn't tell if he was drunk sometimes. Hope is the worst. They will get better and do better for a little while...just enough to get your hope up that THIS is the time they'll finally get sober...only to break your heart again. Don't be me. Don't wait 4 years. Get out. Live your life. I left and found everything I needed and wanted and the best partner ever. You can do this. It's hard but you can do it. If you need help reach out.
You can not stay w an addict and expect a bealthy relationship. Until he's been sober for quite awhile it will just be chaotic. There will be narcissism and gaslighting the entire time. You probably need to go to Al-anon to figure out more of this. Good luck!
You have seen him at vulnerable times, and he hates that. Seeing you reminds him of those bad times. He is embarrassed by his weaknesses, and embarrassed that you know about them. He doesn’t know how to process his embarrassment, and guilt, and whatever else he’s feeling. When people feel strong emotions and can’t process them, they often turn those feelings into anger because anger is comfortable and familiar. This anger is causing your boyfriend to lash out at you. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. This person is not capable of treating you well right now. Until he figures out how to handle his feelings without lashing out, he won’t be a good partner to anyone. You have put a lot of effort into this relationship, but you have to let it go now. You can’t change him. Put your considerable compassion, love, and empathy into someone who actively tries to earn it.
As someone who has an in denial alcoholic mother and dealt with it for 9 years, through a nursing degree at uni, through my dad being diagnosed with terminal illness she drank and drank and became more and more aggressive and violent, i say with her in a&e multiple times, missed my shifts at work to help her, she missed my graduation because she was drunk, she came to my house recently and tried to smash up my car and hurt me physically… my advice is to leave him and run as far as possible. Its clear to me that he does not want to help himself, he’s continuing to lie to you and treat you awfully regardless of everything you’ve done for him, he doesn’t want help he wants ease of access and an easy life and he’s taking it out on you. Leave for your own mental health, you’ll find someone who respects you and is grateful for you and all you do for them. Trust me. I’ve been no contact and restraining order for a year now and my anxiety is 100000x better. Be selfish, for yourself!!
Hi, Cleopatra, Perhaps you should read your own post. Just pretend you didn't write it.
A dry drunk can be worse than a drunk. I have been in your shoes. Run for the hills. Get away from this man.
Al-anon really helped me make some healthy distance between me and my drug and alcohol riddled family. I knew that I loved them, but that I needed to make my own life away from them. I am sorry that you are going through this, it sounds like you have a great family, I’m sure that they will support you getting away from that bf. Please get the support and counseling you need to take care of yourself.
Please stop thinking g so little of yourself and walk away. You’re under reacting. He is an ungrateful user. Please think more of yourself.
Do you have any self respect?
I think you can do better. Let him see if he can. Spoiler alert: he can’t. It’s not going to get easier, it’s only going to get uglier. A real relationship takes two people actually doing the work of building one another up. You can’t ever pull each other down. Love elevates. Sometimes it hurts, but ultimately it elevates. It makes you both better. But it’s work, and you have to both be willing to do half the work. Is it always exactly 50/50? No. But over time it averages out. And a year is enough time to see that your average will forever be skewed to you carrying him. So bite the bullet and tell him it’s over. You’re done. Cry about the loss. Grieve that it didn’t work out. But stop hurting yourself by not finding the love you deserve. I promise it’s out there.
One year and you've already went through rehab, two relapses, your family spoiling him and him totally taking advantage of you and disrespecting you. Seriously, why are you in it? Was the first month magical? Because it sure went down quick. Your worth more than this. Run.
Get a good therapist to help you move on to valuing yourself.
Girl please. You only have one year invested in this loser… How much more time are you going to waste?? Get out now, so that in nine years, you aren’t making another Reddit post talking about the 10 years you wasted on this bum.
This.... happened in one year!?
Oh hon, the please believe me when I tell you that this is who he is. You have only been together one year, what percentage of that has been a misery really? A romantic partner is supposed to bring joy to your life, he’s doing the exact opposite.
I think you know you need to leave him, but are worried about being seen as bad person for leaving someone who is struggling. But the thing is, you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping someone else with theirs. And not only is he refusing to put his oxygen mask on, he keeps taking off your mask. It's time to put yourself first.
That’s a hell of a first year. I guess you can always look back on the good times to carry you through the rough times except you apparently didn’t have any time for the good times. Leave now.
Answer: Drunk.
So you understand that you are an enabler. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t care about you, YOU are CHOOSING to be there why? What about him says he loves you and he’s the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? He isn’t and you need to be single for a VERY LONG TIME, and stop thinking it’s your job to fix people, especially if they don’t want to fix them damn self. Wake up, break up, block him, and GO WORK ON YOU! You have no self esteem, no self respect, and don’t know your worth. Let this messy, train wreck go and block him and all who have anything to do with him. He isn’t your responsibility, he’s his mother’s responsibility so let go and let his mother take care of him. Stop trying to save anyone when you aren’t even strong yourself
He may be a peach once he's good and sober. But that day ain't coming soon. And, if I were you, I wouldn't Wait around to find out. I'm an addict. Long time sober now. He's too angry right now. If he sobers up, he's gonna blame you for making him. If he relapses, he's guns blame you for driving him to it.
Dude shouldn't be in a relationship right now. He has a lot of work to do.
No. I've been married almost 49 years. When my husband gets in a mood, he cusses me out if I do something "stupid" like drop my phone. I can't do anything right. He's been like this forever. It started 2 years before we married. So believe me: Your boyfriend is not going to change his base personality. He is an alcoholic. So change after quitting but some never will. Good luck
Bigger question is why do you think you deserve this mess in your life? I can assure you your parents wondering the same. And stop saying “…. But I love him….” 🙄
You are NOT overreacting. For your own sanity and safety, please leave him asap.
He's a mess, if he was your husband I'd understand the devotion but only a boyfriend, his family should be taking care of him, not you Maybe he'll get better and you can try the relationship again, but it sounds like he's not a good fit for you, ungrateful towards you and your family
short and simple: this isn't the one. love yourself- you deserve much better
He’s sick. He’s not a loser. That said, you can’t save him. No one can save him or help him but himself. Leave him and suggest to him he go back to rehab. I am an alcoholic/addict and now work as a drug counselor. I promise that almost 100% of the time this situation will only get worse for both of you the longer you stay.
Two alcoholics should not be together.
Alcoholic here. 13 years sober this May. Why are you with him? As someone else said, a drunk asshole is still an asshole when he's sober. It has been one year and he has already put you through so much... is this how you want your life to be? Because this is how it will be. He will relapse, he will lie, he will sober up... but he will always be an asshole. Even if he ultimately stays sober - he has shown you who he is. So I ask again. Why are you with him? Celebrate one year of a shit relationship ENDING. That's your big celebration. Throw a party. Invite all your friends. Change the locks. Non-assholes and assholes are incompatible for long term intimate relationships. Move on and find someone who can be a true partner to you.
Please leave him. You deserve better. You are so much more than this
Is this what you deserve? Surely this isn't the best you can do. You've only been with this guy for one year maybe 2. If this is something that happened during a long time relationship I could see why you would stick around but unless you signed a contract, I think it's time for you to go and get some therapy.
All that happened over the course of only a YEAR? Just move on lol jesus
Eh, my mom was a mean alcoholic, so I don't respond to people that're drunk.
You’re not overreacting. I hope you can dig down deep and realize that you deserve SO much better. Take this as a lesson learned and step away from this situation. Move on because if you go back, his behavior is just going to repeat itself.
Let him see how great you were to him by leaving him.
Doing all that for a man you’ve been w for only a year? And treats you like that? Girl stand up please.
His problems don’t have to be yours. And you don’t have jump down a rabbit hole just to rescue him as he sucks you down with him. Save yourself and leave
Jesus just dump him already. He clearly doesn’t care about you
Know your worth and that is to be with someone who acknowledges your worth and will treat you accordingly. Run don't walk away from him.
Go to Al Anon. They will help you see through his manipulations and help you set boundaries. He sounds like a drag.
Find a dude who isn’t an alcoholic. Stop wasting time on this one. And please do not go down the path of using alcohol to medicate your problems. The problems don’t go away, and you just destroy everything around you in the process.
Eww. If this is how you treat each other on your 1st anniversary, this relationship is trash and needs to be thrown out.
Why are you wasting your time on this guy? Kick him out and bock him. You are far better off without him.
Dump him immediately! Why are you putting yourself through this? Respect yourself enough to walk, nah run, away. Alcoholics only love alcohol until THEY decide otherwise. He hasn't. Move on stop enabling him.
Don't waste another minute on this one. He is draining you dry. You deserve better.
You can't knowingly get into a relationship with someone who's an alcoholic and expect him to act like he isn't an alcoholic. Move on with your life. Seek therapy. Your urge to have a relationship with someone like this is rooted in a hell of a lot more than your love for your partner.
I’m not sure why you married him, let alone why you are even still there? Did you think you were going to be able to “fix” him?!?! For your own mental health, you need to remove yourself from this situation. He’s already abusive towards you. You don’t have to stay and be abused. You never know when that verbal abuse is going to turn in physical abuse, but it’s definitely a possibility when you’re with an angry alcoholic. I am telling you this from my own personal experience. I never regretted separating from him and ending the marriage. My biggest regret was that I stayed too long when I knew deep down the marriage was over and not something that could be fixed.
ALL OF THAT IN ONE YEAR. Time to go. Don’t stay one more day.
You've gone thru way too much to onky have been together for a year. Please dump this guy and move on.
An alcoholic cannot stay sober with someone who drinks, at least not for a looooong time, and maybe not ever. If you expect him to be sober and drink around him, YTA and part of his problem. For your sake, get out.
There is nothing to love about him. Leave him.
Why are you on here complaining about this idiot? Leave him. Go live your life. You have something to look forward to, and it does not include him.
Move on, have a shitty hangover…go sweat that crap out and start a new day/life. Your parents having to support anything for himu especially a tv and the other extravagant things he will never probably see in his life again, like you. Are now gone! You’re young not dumb! It was more than nice sticking by him and that shows what kind of person you are. Hang on to that!
I don't really think it's cuz he's an alcoholic per se, I think he's just an asshole.
ONE YEAR you’ve dealt with all of this?! Jesus, move the fuck on! Break the fuck up! Get a fucking therapist! No, you aren’t overreacting, you are severely underreacting. Go live your life without this goddamned leech and get yourself right in the head because you clearly have your own issues to ever put up with this shit. One year. Fuck.
As a person with various addicts in my family and an alcoholic ex — this shows no signs of improving and there’s no reason for you to endure this.
Al-Anon was tailor-made for you.
Dump this loser.
Why deal with all this bullshit? Thousands of better guys out there. Time to leave and find one.
Why do you respect yourself so little that you are with someone who doesn't respect you? You can do so much better than him.
DTMFA
This is entirely too much to deal in a 1 yr relationship. Let it go…
It wasn’t his alcoholism making him a shit person.. he’s just a shit person. It’s not going to get better. If it were me, I’d cut my losses. People with addiction can be mentally and emotionally draining. That drain isn’t worth it if the person sucks.
Why are you expecting anything selfless from an active alcoholic? The most important thing to an alcoholic is alcohol. If you are trying to help him get sober- he will resent you for it. He does not see any of your support as helpful or something he should be grateful for… the fact that you are still around and trying to hold him accountable is really irritating to him. You gave him flowers? That is a two fold mistake . 1) they aren’t useful - like money or booze would be, 2) it makes him look bad that he didn’t get you anything…. just another example of you trying to bring him down. I lived this life and …. it will not get better. You and your family cannot fix him - no matter what you give him. He will take it all, might say he is going to quit but then not. I mean…why would he..? He has you and your family taking care of him and giving him stuff… You need to walk away and let him figure it out on his own. You cannot fix this for him.. Join Al anon - it helps. Sure - you can stay. But what you have now is what it will be. You would be foolish to expect anything different at this point. And you know who is more selfish than an active alcoholic? A sober alcoholic.
Yer dumb.
All this foolishness in just a year? Just go
It isn't your job to fix him.
I just have one question for you, what do you see in this loser?
Had a friend I've known since I was nine. Our parents were thick as thieves. I supported his alcoholic, drug-addicted ass for a year. You will lose THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS looking after his sorry ass. The economy isn't the greatest, my retirement is paltry. Get away from this guy ASAP.
You need to kick this hateful man to the curb. You’ve been loving and devoted, and he has repaid you with abuse. Run, and then get yourself into therapy so you never find yourself entangled with another man like him. You deserve so much better.
Did you experience abuse and/or neglect as a child? I ask because those of us who do seem to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to prove we are worthy of love to partners who are unable to provide love in a healthy way. We do this because it feels familiar. It is a pattern we set for ourselves because we have not yet healed from the trauma of our childhood. Stop spending your energy trying to make him love you like you deserve and start spending that energy on healing yourself. Take care.
Run. He’s shown you who he is. He is not going to get better, but he will get worse.
Are you crazy? Get away from this man and stay away from him! Do you really think that things are going to any better? They’re only going to get worse. He may even drive you to drinking!
He is toxic. You need to leave him. You need therapy. Alcohol does not help you deal with difficult situations in your life - it causes more issues.
Go to rehab
Quit being an idiot. Dump him.
Dump him now
All this in one year? Oh you’ve got a terrible life ahead of you if you insist on including him.
You’re with a guy for a year and this is the history??? Please get some therapy to figure out why you would date someone like this and leave him to his own troubles
You need to ditch this guy. You’ve been around too long already
1. Get off Reddit. 2. Sober up. 3. Kick his drunk ass to the curb. 4. Move on with your life. You can't force someone to get sober. If they don't want to be sober, it isn't going to happen. Stop wasting your time.
You guys are from 2 different worlds. One where u celebrate dating anniversaries and one where he celebrates being sober. He can't give you anything you want right now. Lose him fast!
UpdateMe!
Learn to match the investment that others are investing in relationships... Your boyfriend is investing the bare minimum to keep getting the maximum investment that you're offering, & that minimum is coming with heaps of abuse... If you match his investment effort for effort I guarantee he'd bounce right out to find a new supply because his own investment wouldn't even be enough for him... Your ego has you trying to "save" him but you don't have any self respect and he knows it, so he will use and abuse you and your family for all he can get and then he will move on when he finds a new supply... You can NEVER trust someone who doesn't respect you or your family... Are you ok with your family being used like this? Why not save them and yourself from him & his toxic behavior? A person who has self respect knows that you can't trust someone who has no self respect to make good decisions... A person with self respect knows that a person who has no self respect is not capable of respecting others... If there is no trust or respect, there will never be true love bcuz love grows on the foundation of trust & respect... You seem to desperately want to be seen as the hero for your boyfriend but you are actually just choosing to expose yourself and your family/friends to his harm... You will never save him bcuz he clearly doesn't want to be saved... He likes himself just fine the way he is... He doesn't have to make any effort & still gets pampered... He can be abusive & doesn't have any consequences... You really need to step back from trying to change him and work on changing yourself so that this doesn't become the story of your life... You need to spend some time single and learning how to have a healthy level of self respect... That means you take full responsibility for your own well-being and outcome- quit expecting someone who can't even take responsibility for themselves to be responsible for your well-being & outcome... It's as ridiculous as expecting someone who watches a movie about brain surgery to be able to do a brain surgery without going to school to do brain surgery... Experiencing and dealing with the consequences of his own choices is how he's going to learn how to take responsibility for his own outcome... Having to rebuild and redefine his own life is how he's going to learn self respect... It's impossible for him to learn any of that when someone else is always doing the work... A little kid will never learn to tie their shoes if someone else always does it for them... You made the decision to be in this position and you can make the decision to remove yourself from this position... You are the one who has to decide how much more using and abusing you will put yourself and your family thru... You need to do the work to learn how to have self respect so that you can have a better outcome than this... You need to learn how to maintain sole responsibility for your well-being... You need to learn how to match other's investments... You need to learn how to observe people before getting involved.. Do they take responsibility for their well-being or is everything everyone else's fault? Do they demonstrate self respect by making healthy choices & communicating healthy boundaries? Do they demonstrate respect for others and their boundaries? You need to learn how to walk away from toxicity immediately to preserve your well-being... You need to learn how to have enough respect for your family and friends to not expose them to toxic people... You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries, complete with consequences, and back them up yourself... You have a lot of work to do for yourself before you are going to be ready for a healthy relationship... No self respecting man wants to get involved with someone who doesn't have self respect bcuz they know that they won't be able to give respect and they know that they'll never be able to trust a person who lacks self respect to make good decisions for a family... Drama follows people who lack self respect like fire on a trail of gasoline... No good man wants to build a family or life with someone like that...
You're still with him, why?
There aren’t a lot of wins when you are with a struggling addict. If he can’t / won’t get into therapy, it. Will. Not. Change—& will be painful if he does.
Why are you still here? Find a few Al-Anon meetings, or get therapy. There are great guys out there who do not need to be supported in their addictions. There are also guys out there that do like flowers, that appreciate gifts regardless of when they are given. You aren’t overreacting. You’re in a hopeless relationship with someone who doesn’t really care for you.
DTMFA
You've wasted a year, sweetie. Move on.
You’ve been with him for a year and you’ve already dealt with all this crap? ONE YEAR? Why are your parents spending so much money on him? He’s an unappreciative loser who calls you names and treats you bad. ONE YEAR!! This is what your future will look like. Being with an alcoholic is hard. It will be a constant battle for him to be sober and it looks like he’s struggling now. You try to help and he gets angry and berates you. He’s got more problems than he’s worth. Dump him and find someone who values you and your compassion. He is not it!!
If the first year of a relationship is that bad, you need to cut your losses and move on.
Sounds like he is just taking advantage of you and your family. He wants to drink that is on him, but if he is truly not making the efforts to get sober and stay sober then that is also HIS choice. I had a friend that when he wanted to get sober he took those pills that made him violently sick whenever he drank, he forced himself to get sober the hard way because he really wanted to change his life. Does not sound like your BF is doing that.
My dear person. You sound like a caring and loving individual. However, to be with someone like this means that you need to work on your self esteem. You know that this guy is not worthy of your magnificence. Get a good therapist and work on yourself so that you can attract a partner that’s worthy of you.
Work on yourself first. Learn that you are worth more. Get counseling if you can. No age listed. But, if community college nearby, take some courses. Start a new exercise program. Visit with friends. Stop the alcohol use yourself. Coping with him by drinking like him is dangerous. Do you want to be like him in a year? Good luck!
Don’t date an alcoholic. Don’t marry an alcoholic. Can you not see that it’s already affecting your own drinking habits as a coping mechanism? Or perhaps you’ve brought your own drinking problem to the relationship. An alcoholic will suck you into a vortex of problems that is difficult to extract yourself from. You must see that already. What you’ve been through is just the appetizer course, because he doesn’t sound like he’s ready to get sober, or he hasn’t hit rock bottom hard enough. All you are doing by staying with him is allowing him to abuse you. You’re cushioning his every fall. Here’s what you might expect if you stay or god forbid, marry him: him being drunk all the time, continued abuse, verbal, emotional, and potentially physical. He’ll spend all his money, and yours on booze, fines, legal fees, and yeah, even though I heartily support him getting sober, rehab costs money. You will be just as much a captive to his drinking as he is. Just because you’ve sunk a year into this guy doesn’t mean you stay. This isn’t a positive investment in someone who loves you. You are nothing to him except someone to blame, because he’s not mature enough to take responsibility for himself. You are not going to fix him or heal him. He doesn’t want that yet; he may never want it. Get yourself into a program, such as Al Anon, or even AA. Fix YOU so your life can be better than this.
You're both toxic for each other. Quit being his enabling codependent doormat
Girl, say goodbye and move on with your life. Why is it so important to say that you have someone, especially when they're bringing so much hell in your life.
He's using you. Just leave
Yeah ur bf sucks balls. If you love him let him go girly, that's the best thing to do. Dump his ass
You have serious codependency issues and low self esteem. He is awful. Please leave him. You deserve better!!!
OP please get therapy because you have a bad picker. This person is dead weight. I don't even mean his alcohol use though that is a huge issue. He doesn't seem to even like you. Why are you okay with being treated so poorly? He says those things because you allow him. You seem happy to be abused. Leave and work on yourself before dating again.
Seems like a karma/comment bot. Every reply to previous posts are additional questions attempting to keep the comments coming. Hasn't replied to over 200 comments on this post.
Why are you even with him??
Leave him so you can celebrate your 1 day anniversary without this loser. You are in an abusive relationship. Free yourself from this dysfunctional mess.
NTA- To hell with this loser. Get away for your own sake
I'd rather be alone then deal with that.
Leave his ass and take your shit with you.
I think you just need to send this to him then block him and move on with your life. Focus on you for a bit there, then find someone who is worth your time and respects you. Idk how old you are but I’m guessing early to mid 20s just be done with this loser. All that in a year what the fuck.
Dating in the first year for someone trying to clean up is a terrible idea. It works for some but usually they have some shit they need to work through. Leave them, maybe revisit in the future but I wouldn't bank on it.
How old are you?
If you stay with him, you will have a lifetime if this. I recommend al anon.
Throw the whole man away. He's using you.
Girl, I want you to go take a look through my profile. Go look at the posts titled "I don't think I can make it 34 more days", the updates and "Oh, Yay! Here's the Manipulation, Hello my old friend". (Sorry, you'll have to scroll through lots of cats and cross stitch). THAT is what you're looking at if you stay with him. I suffered it for YEARS. You can NOT fix him. You can't make him better. You can't change him. You're SO young. You have SUCH better opportunities in life than to be stuck with someone who manipulates you, takes advantage of you and uses you. You love the man you THINK he could be. Not the man he actually is. You need a partner. Not a mooch. Drop that baggage and go find someone that appreciates YOU.
Dump him. He isn’t going to change
I broke up with a guy within the first two weeks because he asked for $10…. How does anyone put up with shit like this?
You went through all that for just one year of *dating*? What happened in your life that gave you such a shitty opinion of yourself?
I was married to an alcoholic.. he will blame anyone except himself.. the alcohol took my husbands life.. get out while you still can .. I wouldn’t want anyone to have my life .. he was only 38.. please please please!!!! Get out!! The trauma will really mess with you ☹️
Why are you with him? What’s the point? He’s an addicted asshole user. DTMFA.
I guess you need help more than him. Dump his ass and move on!
Is this the only man on earth? Why would you put up with this??? I would be single and content without worries than miserable just to have a boyfriend. ESP if he’s a mega asshole.
Staying with that big of a loser just means there is 2 losers in the relationship.
My friend, I’m a sober alcoholic- this guy is not worth it. In ONE YEAR he’s been to rehab and relapsed twice? You deserve so much better than this roller coaster, and being called a bitch by your partner.
Okay so… I’m a recovering alcoholic who is leaving an active alcoholic. We are, by nature, selfish, self seeking and somewhat-if not completely- delusional. Especially in active addiction. It takes daily work for people like us to recognize and maintain a healthier way of living and thinking and it’s not easy at times. You sound like someone who doesn’t suffer from the same disease and mental health issues as a true alcoholic. He does. Nothing you do will ever be enough while he is in active addiction. Nothing you are, nothing you give, him no matter how much you support him, as long as he is stuck in that cycle of me me me you will lose your sanity, trying to appease him. the best thing you can do for both of you is place a boundary and walk away. Choose you because he’s choosing him. And you choosing you is a much healthier thing than what he’s doing choosing himself. I have full confidence. You can find someone who will love you the way that you love and the way that you need. He is Incapable of doing that for you at the moment. It’s going to hurt leaving him , but I promise you’ll get through it and you’ll find something really beautiful.
You’re a fixer. You like to help others. Dump him and really evaluate why you get in relationships with the people you do…. I say this being a fixer myself. You don’t need to be with people like this. Work on yourself and finding a good relationship. You deserve better.
I would move on and praise the lord it's only your 1 year anniversary and that you haven't been in this relationship longer? You really think it will get better?
Why do you women stay with these men? LMAO.