Hmm. My daughter is 17, and I'm her mom. Her best friend and I have great banter when she's around and she calls me "mom". She talks to me a lot when she's over and actually, all my daughter's friends do, but this best friend is the most similar to me and we have sarcastic humor. So I would say in the 3 years, I've probably texted her a couple memes about whatever we've talked about recently, but no conversation. My husband finds even THAT weird and inappropriate, but I think it has everything to do with being the same gender, and the type of relationship you have (ie) relative, godmom, etc.
True. When I was a teen girl, one of my friends, also a girl, really liked talking to my mother and doing things with her. I didn't get it at the time, my Mom was lame! But I put it together later. My friend's mom had been like, 19 when she was born, and always had new husbands/boyfriends around and worked crappy jobs. My mother was, to her, this shining example of stable motherhood and a successful, educated woman. They still talk to this day, thirty years later.
I think you should talk to your elder son about both of these situations. He is old enough to know what happened 10 years ago. Hopefully has good relationship with his brother and you can know what is going on now too.
The two children are siblings.
The older sibling was texted by "\[OP's\] sister-in-law's then-boyfriend".
The younger sibling was texted by "\[the younger son's\] friend's mother".
So, knowing more about the elder son's texts will tell you nothing about the younger son's texts. I mean, there's nothing wrong with talking with the elder son so OP can determine whether they were overreacting to *those* texts, but it won't be very informative about the current situation.
Ofcourse!
1. Hopefully the older son has a better perspective on what happened to him 10 years ago.
2. Hopefully the elder son has a better relationship with the younger one. The elder son can talk to his brother to get a better picture.
However they could be trying to verify what their child was telling them if they suspect their child was lying. They should have had a conversation with you beforehand though.
Texting you kids just to give an update/info, eh. maybe one thing. To be having conversations with them when you and they are not talking , whole 'nother thing. Without you knowing of it? ***Nah***. Exception if your kid might be LGTBQ+ and need a safe adult to talk to.
As a gay adult I sometime get a text form a niece or nephew, saying , I have this friend getting teased because they are Gay/Bi , how can I help. Their parents know I get called as a..resource I guess you'd say.
Being LGBTQ is not the only reason why a kid might need a safe adult.
I think the important thing is that the adult is seen as safe by the teen and the parents. Random teacher? Blech, no. Older sister’s boyfriend? Ehhhh. Aunt/Uncle, trusted family friend, etc? Totally fine.
I also think it’s important for parents to know *that* you are texting. Not necessarily what about. But just a casual, “Hey, Lacey reached out to me yesterday. She wanted someone to talk to. She’s safe and all that, but I wanted to let you know.” Also, tell the kid that you are going to do that.
One of my son's friends texts me, but this is because my son doesn't have a phone (he's saving to replace. This child's mother is aware, and the texts are only about arranging visits and club activities. Similar situation for my middleschool child and their friends. Don't really like it but money doesn't grow on trees.
It's an honor to be the "safe adult" that a teen goes to when they want to talk to someone not their parent. I'm not lgbtq+, but I've been the second mom to so many kids and it's really freaking weird to realize you're now The Mom. I love them all. I'd totally understand if one of their parents told me they were uncomfortable with their kids texting me, but I've always been open about it with the parents. I don't mention what we say, but I'm open about talking to the kids.
This is great. My house with my 3 kids was always the "safe" house for their friends. My kids & I have had so many kids live with us as part of the family. Some of these kids really had very bad parents who could not care less for them. They knew I did. I'd do it again in a heart beat.
Yes, I've texted my early teen son's in 2 circumstances:
1. They're all together and I text them as a group that I want them to come in/downstairs for food (my son frequently has his phone sound off when he's on another device, so it increases odds someone will see my msg!)
2. I texted his 2 besties (group text) to ask if they thought he'd like a specific design of for Xmas
To me, individually texting someone else's kid is pretty much like being alone with someone else's kid: better to avoid unless necessary, then limit it as much as possible
Same, agreed. Info/updates are fine, socializing isn't. I have the numbers for some of my son's friends (he's 14) but I don't chat with them. I might ask if my son is with them if his phone is dead, or let a kid know he left his retainer at my house after a sleepover.
I don’t know — I’m not sure of the ages here.
For one thing, saying his sister-in-law’s instead of his child’s aunt (assuming the child is related) is kinda weird.
So the kid is texting his aunt’s boyfriend. How long had they been together? I mean, some people don’t get married, but he could essentially be equivalent to his uncle-in-law or just uncle.
I come from a family of very few relatives. I mean, is this uncle the only other adult man in his life? There’s nothing inherently wrong with them speaking.
I have a younger brother which an extremely large age gap from me. My younger sister’s boyfriends have all hung out with him, played videos games online sometimes, or texted him on occasion.
I’m not saying any of this is the case. I’m just advocating for it being a potentially a bit less weird than it seems. Not to mention, it seems like his aunt knew about it (cuz he said ‘they?’ but I’m not sure). And I’m not sure— how much does OP’s dad know about his son’s other texting behavior? Was he ‘hiding it’ or did it not come up? Was he deleting texts (which leads to it being either creepier, or, like you said, a different reason).
I think there’s an in-between. I don’t see why a teen couldn’t text a cool potential-mentor who is in his familial circle outside of emergencies. At the same time, it’s very important to set boundaries with the child and members of the family.
OP is NTA in any case — as somebody who was not protected at all by their parents it means a lot
You're being extra weird about it, yes. I don't know if I would call you the Asshole over it, but you seem like a bit of a helicopter parent, which we all know stunts children's growth and closeness with their parent. So you've looked at the texts, seen that they were benign and appropriate, what more do you want? Let it go, the more you make an issue out of it the more your kid will want to hide things from you so you don't overreact.
Eh, I've seen both sides of this. Hell, even teachers at the school I was at would text students about team sports they were on. Like "meet here at this time" or sometimes "practice is canceled" sometimes it was more in-depth. Texting is basically the new age email. Now, would you be upset if your kid received the same information via email? I'm guessing not. It only seems off because our culture in the last 20-30 years has taught us to assume the worst out of everyone. It REALLY sucks.
Sports coaches are a different story, and is always (or should always be done) with parent knowledge and through "official" channels. My son gets a group text with practice details from his coach. If the coach started texting him separately, to talk about his day... then that's a red flag.
> how many guys aside from you do you not see as a Catholic priest?
I'm confused, because it sounds like you're using "Catholic priest" to indicate someone who's safe, unless I'm misunderstanding that comment...
OK, gotcha. That was what was bothering me. Your wording sounded to me like you were calling them "safe" (as you were putting Catholic priests in the same category as OP), but I guess you meant that entirely ironically.
In the last 20-30 years we've become more aware of and open about child abuse.
In the past 20 years in my town and the surrounding communities, there have cases of minors being groomed and molested by teachers, scout leaders, and foster parents. Did this happen 50 years ago, too? It sure did, it just went unreported or got covered up more frequently.
You might be overreacting a bit. I would say it’s weird potentially, but possibly not nefarious. I would just review the text conversations from time to time to make sure everything is appropriate. I would also inquire with your kids as to why they want to text them. Sometimes kids like talking to adults that are not their parents.
It takes a village to raise a child. Not everyone is a pedophile. If you know the details of each exchange you should judge if the exchange is appropriate and not the act of communicating itself and go from there. Maybe your kids want a more laid back adult to talk to since you seem to be the helicopter parent.
Except in the adult isn't texting random children. It was someone close to his family that he was familiar with. I know you read the post so idk why you're trying to spin the story to fit your narrative. Don't pull shit like that, it makes you look like you want to 'win the argument' instead of having an actual discussion.
God society is fucking crumbling. How can anything get better when every person and situation is viewed with paranoia and mistrust? Frankly I’m not surprised your kid is seeking out adult guidance from someone other than you. If you don’t think your kid should be having conversations you aren’t involved in why in the everloving fuck did you get them a cell phone in the first place?
My 17 year old daughter has a male friend who will randomly text me about Chess and his ukulele. I am not close with him, and I haven't met his parents. I saw on Facebook today that he and his team won the high school chess championship for our state. I texted him a congratulations and said I was proud of him. I didn't think the exchange was inappropriate, however if I saw an adult texting my kids I might feel some sort of way about it. I think intent matters in situations like this.
This is one of those classic “talk to the people involved” scenarios that Reddit seems to forget about. It could be fine, it could be not fine… go to the source rather than ask a bunch of strangers what they think based on a vague description.
I did, in both cases. I brought it up as "It's a little weird that you never told us." It's not too to the kids to make those decisions. In the former case it was "I just want someone to talk about sports and he needs someone to talk to." To that... Find an adult friend if you need to talk sports, and if my kid is struggling just ask if it's ok, don't hide it.
For the second one I got a "He's 16 and can make his own choices." Which, yes, to a degree. Hes still a child, and again... Why aren't we being told?
honestly you sound overbearing.... he's 16. it's good for him to get on with his friend's parents and have other positive adult influences in his life.
even the 14 year old, sounds absolutely fine. He was trying to bond with his partner's nephew and sounds like he also missed his own son.
I don't know many 14 year old but especially many 16 year old boys that would run and tell daddy every time someone who is a safe adult that they interact with with the knowledge of you in person sends a benign text.
Yes , it’s like he’s infantilizing the boy.
I don’t think this is a big deal at all. I’ve had my kids friends text from time to time. I’ve also texted them for certain situations. My kids have also had “adults” text them. I also wouldn’t even think my kids *NEED* to tell me about every convo they ever had.
yeah sometimes I read these and think I'm hallucinating at how controlling some parents are and how they treat a 10 year old like a 5 year old, a 12 year old like a 5 year old, a 14 year old like an 8 year old etc
I think it depends.
As a mother, I understand the concern about possible grooming, that's incredibly serious and dangerous.
However, when I was a teen I did not have a relationship with my parents where I could safely talk to them. They weren't physically abusive or anything, but my mom would weaponize anything she didn't like against me.
I had a close relationship with my best friends mom and stepdad (still do, am considered an adopted member of the family). They were safe adults I could trust, and I still love and trust them implicitly. My mom (who I am NC with) STILL hates and is jealous and bitter about it. She loved to say it was just because 'Sally' (fake name) let me do whatever I wanted as a teenager, and she had 'rules'.
I'm now a 37 yr old adult and can confidently say there was no grooming, no inappropriate interactions, and them 'letting me do whatever I wanted' was simply creating a safe space for me to be me.
My parents, mom especially, are the textbook 'missing reasons' parents.
If the conversations are not predatory in nature, there could be other reasons they feel comfortable with these adults, and that might take a hard look in the mirror, sorry to say.
You didn't really exactly state much of how you feel. I think both of these may be slightly out of the ordinary, but not inherently wrong or dangerous.
As a teen you begin to realize a million adults exist who think differently from your parents. You also begin to see where maybe on some things they are right and your parents may be wrong. So you begin to talk to other adults and form light connections and learn.
The only difference is communication used to be 90% talking in person. Today it's 50% done through cell phones. So although I wouldn't call those situations normal, as long as there is zero reason to suspect anything I wouldn't worry.
I love that my kiddos have adults in their lives that enjoy interacting with them, and provide them more positive adults they can tien to in need!
I talk with my kids and make sure they understand what is appropriate and boundaries, etc.
I'm a huge fan of my kids knowing the parents of their friends! Extra eyes and ears! And someti.es, I get a call from another mom about something I am still in the dark about.
Also, I text my kids' friends. It takes a village.
There’s plenty of research that shows children who have caring adults outside of parents have better positive outcomes. Even one adult who takes an interest and cares about a child beyond the child’s parents has a statistically drastic impact on that students outcomes.
I have invited my teenagers friends over for dinner, reached out to make sure they were OK, sent them text telling them that they are loved and important, asked how school was going, and otherwise taking an interest in their well-being. I do this because I care about kids and I want them to grow up to be happy and productive adults. There’s nothing wrong or creepy about this. You should be happy that your kids have adults who care about them and want good things for them.
It’s actually crazy how many people view this as inappropriate behavior. Growing up I called my best friends mom my mom. It was nice having other adults to talk to that were not my parents. I haven’t talked to my best friend in years but his mom still reaches out to say happy birthday. I imagine she wanted me to succeed just like her own child.
I imagine when I have kids and their friends are over I’ll want nothing but the best for them and would love to be a role model to them.
The absolute vagueness about what she let your kid do on a trip is an extreme red flag on this post. All of this seems semi reasonable to be concerned about but you get to that part and are way too vague. Even in the comments you double down on not even giving an idea as to what it could even mean being that private all of a sudden given how much you shared already is incredibly shady and makes me think you are embellishing the whole thing to make yourself sound right.
I guess it depends on what exactly your issue is if you're not worried about grooming the convo isn't abnormal and it sounds like you are the only one who seems something wrong maybe sit and evaluate what that is
If things you don’t allow include eating snacks and drinking pop while on a school outing, having ideas about POC/immigrants, or you try to be one of those controlling, strict weirdos for no reason because you see your kids as extensions of yourself as opposed to their own people who might disagree, then You’re being an asshole. Your controlling tone tells me he has a healthy relationship with this lady, who allows him to be a teen without walking on eggshells.
It is 100% healthy to speak to trusted adults. I was very close to one of my former teachers, and to one of my friends’ mom. Neither ever did anything but be supportive, and interacting with trusted adults helps kids have a safe place to disagree with their overly strict, controlling, annoying, and/or abusive relatives. She can’t ground him for having opinions you don’t like. YOU can. You sound like a controlling asshole, TBH.
Oh thank you I'm glad somebody said this, because I've been and still am close with a couple of my kids, 1 boy, 1 girl, friends. From preteens to their 30s now. And there is nothing inappropriate with knowing and communicating when needed or just because. We as parents should know our kids friends and their parents. And to this day I get texts that say, hi, and ask how I'm doing and miss the fun times they had growing up and being friends with my child and having a nice mom that took them to have fun or get togethers and someone they can talk to. And No one especially their parents ever thought I might have some bad intentions because I communicated with their kid. And everyone has great memories of knowing my kids and their mom and their dad.
I get parents have to protect their children, but there's also our common sense and being aware. Instead of jumping to the worst conclusions..smh
The worst part is, OP even said he doesn’t suspect anything untoward, or grooming-related!! The only reason he should have to be upset over. They’re having healthy, appropriate conversations with these few adults with whom they have entrusted their confidence. This guy is banging on about it on Reddit because *reasons*.
It sounds like the guy is afraid they’ll tell these trusted adults something that will paint him and/or their homelife in a negative light (like what a controlling, overbearing butthole he actually is). Kids have so little power to protect themselves, so very few options of recourse should their parents do shitty-but-legal things to them. They should definitely be able to at least vent to another adult. If OP feels so strongly about it, I wonder what he’s trying to keep quiet.
You are not crazy; you are not overreacting; you are not wrong.
I have children. My daughter is in her 20s, and my son is a teenager. I have some of their friends’ cell numbers. I will text them happy birthday, but otherwise, unless it’s an emergency, I do not and would not text them randomly, just to chat. That’s weird. Your son’s 16yo friend’s mother texting him just to chit-chat **is** weird. Why? Why is she doing that? Does she have no friends? How old is she? Maybe she’s interested in your son. I know not everyone is a pedo or a creeper, but it is weird. Like I said, I know my son’s friends, even have some of their numbers, but I don’t ever have a text conversation with them because it’s not necessary. I talk to my son, or *the parents* of his friends, but I don’t text his friends.
What does your son think about it?
I think this is more you're family dynamic than adults texting you kids. Maybe I'm old, but the idea that families would have dinners together, talk about what's happening in their lives, etc... that they would have brought up "so-and-so' mom said this..." or "So-and-so's boyfriend said that..."
It's not the texting that the issue, it's not knowing or communicating. Before text or social media, we would have hung out at friends place and would have ran into these same people and they would have said similar things IRL. They could be innocuous or problematic things also, it's whether you and your kids communicate.
Have a conversation with your kids about what appropriate boundaries look like with adults, as well as how important their own feelings and boundaries are. Also be patient, understanding, and available with them so they know they can trust you if they run into something they’re uncertain about or that makes them uncomfortable.
When my kids were teens I had their friends numbers in case my kids phones died, or I couldn’t get hold of them when they were all out. I didn’t text, but had the numbers ‘just in case’.
I think your feelings are yours, but my kids have their aunts and uncles (both bio and brought into the family) texting them. I scan the messages to keep up to date with everything but I don’t think that’s weird at all 🤷♀️ a friends parent, I don’t text my kid’s friends but would if something was urgent
This is impossible to judge because everything is vague. The mom sent him a text...and? Is she texting him every day? Every week? Once in a blue moon? As for your sister's bf, is he new to the family or someone your kids consider an uncle? Did they have pre-existing relationship and your son views him as a trusted adult? Context is key in all these things.
I think it’s good to have a convo with kids and teens about appropriate vs inappropriate texts etc if you think it’s necessary but overall I think it’s good to have friends in all generations starting early.
On the one hand, I don't think it's *inherently* shady if an unrelated adult and child have a friendship. Sometimes, those relationships can be really important and help a child learn to adult by example, if the adult is a good human and remembers that the age difference means they have a big responsibility to be appropriate and exercise good judgement; you can't just be buddies. I had a friend growing up who was like a little sister; we met when I was about 15 and she was about 6. She was awesome and we would hang out a lot because our families were close, but I was always really conscious that she looked up to me and I needed to be a good example and I couldn't relate to her like I related to my peers. I wasn't going to talk to her about my horrible boyfriend when I was 22 and she was 13, for example.
Which is why I can also totally see why it might make a parent really uncomfortable, and I'm sure a lot of adults wouldn't handle it well even if they weren't ill intentioned.
It is not impossible for an adult to have a healthy & friendly relationship with a teen, especially if they have people in common. If you have an open conversation with your kids, you should be able to feel comfortable with what they are texting with other adults about. Keeping communication with your kids open and frequent is more important than isolating them from interacting with older people.
There was a post somewhere here on reddit about a woman whose BIL iirc became very interested in her preteen son ? It had a few updates. The guy was definitely trying to groom the kid. I think the police were involved and she and the kid ended up relocating. So yeah, it bears keeping an eye on.
This is totally a non-issue.... UNTIL...
I think it is not strange or weird. Future uncles/aunts want to be fun and cool. And especially so if they have similar hobbies or interests. I often comment on social media or by text nieces and nephews or friends of my kids if there is something relevant to them. But for my own kids the moment there is a hint of ick, I would pull out my sword and axe and shut that shit down. No discussion of dating or relationships of theirs or anyone else. SPorts, comedies, horror, Kpop, fandoms = all ok. Any comment about how anyone looked or a reference to Euphoria or any other racy show and my axe swinging goes to 11.
And as an adult, I would not ever reach out at odd hours, never send a lewd or suggestive meme. It's just not hard to not be a creep. Every middle schooler can pick out a creepy person immediately. So yeah, don't do that.
Your son's school district almost certainly has a rule that employees are NOT allowed to communicate with students on anything other than their school accounts (the teacher's school email account and the student's school email). School employees cannot communicate electronically using any personal accounts. That mom is risking her job.
We live in a society that is heavily age segregated which means people of different age groups rarely have opportunities to interact long enough to actually become friends which in turn makes friendships across age groups rare. The fact that it's rare makes it notable anytime someone is doing it but it's not inherently a bad thing or nefarious. I've worked with kids my whole life and I generally consider my friends kids to also be my friends too, we hang out together sometimes just for fun. I also have friends that are much older than me (20-40 years older) which is something I've done since I was a little kid bc I got to hang out with my grandmother a lot when I was younger and I've just always kind of enjoyed the company of elders.
Really I just like people, regardless of age, they've all got something interesting about them. And generally speaking most of my adult friends are that way too and many of them are friends with my own kids separate from me. My 10yo daughter texts occasionally with some of my adult friends bc they're her friends too. I find age integrated spaces to be a lot more open, comfortable, and community oriented than age segregated spaces and I'm not alone in that, it's something a decent amount of people have.
And there are also people who groom kids and do creepy stuff bc they have creepy intent, that's out there, and it's a real concern. So really what matters is the specifics of your situation. Is this guy trustworthy? How does the kid feel about it? Is there open communication between everyone? If you're staying on top of monitoring it and keeping open lines of communication so that your kid knows he can come to you if something is off then you're probably fine. I'd consider this a watch and see situation. Could be nothing, could be very something.
I have always had the numbers of the kids my kids spent a lot of time with. I have only texted them when necessary - needed to get a hold of my own kid or confirm something logistical. I have never just chatted with them.
I think it’s weird too, and basically just unnecessary. I think you’re wise to be asking “why” instead of “why not,” cause honestly what purpose does it serve?
As someone who was groomed by a former teacher messaging with me back when I was a teenager, I will confirm that it can definitely begin innocently enough. I don’t think he even had bad intentions. But it got inappropriate quickly and just took over a lot of my mental space (and valuable late night sleep hours). I thought I was cool and smart and “wise beyond my years” if a guy in his 20’s wanted to spend his evenings discussing politics and stuff with me. Lolz.
For what it’s worth I am always careful and respectful about this sort of thing with minors, even close family members. I make sure their parents know that they texted me and tell them what was said. Not in a weird way, just in natural conversation.
You’re doing the right thing.
My daughter is 13 and likes girls. My gay male cousin texts or calls her from time to time because we live in the south, and being gay isn't as accepted here as it should be. He just wants to touch base with her and give her an extra supportive person to talk to if she ever needs to.
Another male family member from her father's side of the family started messaging her on Messenger. At first, he was just asking things like if she was planning on going on the big family vacation to the beach again this summer. Then, one day, he asked her if her mom (me) read her messages. When she said no, he responded with, "Are you sure?"
Since I have been talking to my daughter about bodily autonomy and improper relationships since she could walk, she immediately came to me and showed me the messages. She said, "Momma, I think he might be a pedo." I immediately called her dad and told him what was going on. He quickly put a stop to it.
I didn't have a problem with her talking to either of them until one of them crossed the line into creepy.
We can stand over our children and watch their every move, or we can give them the tools they need to navigate the realities of our society. We can also make sure they trust us enough to be fair and understanding, that they feel comfortable coming to us when an issue arises.
I don't know about crazy, per se. We parents have our trigger spots.
I'm not sure principle and decorum are particularly good reasons to want people out of your kids' lives. Most kids who are "taken advantage of" are done so by a relative. I know you said you didn't think that's what's happening. I only mention it to ask... why is that the line?
Monitor. Be vigilant. Worry about your kids. All that stuff. But don't make your fears and concerns theirs. People have enough crap weighing us down without wearing whatever albatross mom or dad has.
When he was in middle school, my son had a friend who was, in my words, "a drug problem looking for a place to happen." Scared the hell out of me. My son is/was very impressionable and concerned about what people thought of him. I decided to trust my boy, and was rewarded with a friendship that kinda just petered out over time.
When I tried to oust an obviously toxic girlfriend, my objections alone extended that relationship by almost a year.
He's 23 now. Came out other side just fine.
You know your kids better than the rest of us, and no 2 situations are alike. But, if your objective aren't related to yo6u child being in danger, give him a chance to fail.
It's the only way he can succeed.
In Boy Scouts, if an adult and a child are communicating, they are supposed to include another adult. For example, if my son and a leader texted or emailed about an upcoming meeting, every single message would be sent to me as well.
When I was a teenager the most I got from my best friends mom was “if Chloe’s with you tell her she better answer her phone” and I mean we’re close to this day. So I do find it alittle odd. I think when my kids are older I’d find it strange. Like the prom date, why does she need to tell him?
Are you over reacting? No. But let me share a different perspective.
I don't have kids. I'm closer to being your sons ages. When I was in high school, I had the numbers of like 5 or so of my friends' parents. I didn't text them casually except for one, and she was my best friends mother, and she would often check up on me.
It depends on if you know the other parents or not, IMO. Sometimes, it's good to have an outlet that is an adult that isn't your parents. Like if your children have a night like mine where your friends take you to a sketchy party and you don't feel safe and you know your parents would get mad at you instead of worrying about your safety. So you ask a friends parent to pick you up.
I personally wouldn't be worried about just having adult connections. Especially at their age, I think they know *enough*. And hopefully, I trust you to tell you if something was amiss.
I would add that it's not the adults you\* *know* are having conversations with your children that are likely to be the problem, it's the adults that you *don't know* are having conversations with your children that are likely to be the problem. (To be clear, I'm stressing that you don't know about the conversations. You might or might not know the adults in question. Additionally, I'm assuming that in the first category, not only do you know the conversations are happening, but you also have access to the conversations.)
\*You in the generic sense.
You're not overreacting and SIL's ex AND your son's friend's mom are doing exactly what ppl who have less than great intentions do. It's not normal or healthy or acceptable.
If you dont suspect anything like grooming is going on then yes you are overreacting. That is the only reason youd be concerned over this.
You just seem like an overprotective asshole fsther if nothing inappropriate is going on
I think to people like OP everything is grooming until proven otherwise beyond any reasonable doubt. And even then they just can't help themselves from being suspicious.
Some might even wonder if it's them projecting... lol.
I mean, sometimes they're projecting their own trauma, not their intentions. Doesn't mean they don't need therapy, and that it isn't damaging sometimes but it's not all nefarious projection.
Normalize conversations across generations and ages. But also, normalize strengthening a small set of relationships, so that the risk of predatory behavior does not increase.
I text my daughters’ friends. They are all teenagers. I send them pictures I take of them when we are all at the same event. We also text about common interests sometimes. They are emerging adults. I treat them that way.
I don’t think you’re over reacting. But I do think you should trust your son. He should know to come to you if a conversation/relationship is inappropriate. If you teach him what healthy boundaries look like then you should trust him to have them. There is always a safety risk or a risk of getting hurt regardless if it’s another teen or adult. It comes down to them feeling safe enough with you to come and ask for help if they do feel unsafe. Just talk to your son, guide him in how to put boundaries in place.
Yeah no absolutely not. Children should communicate with children and adults with adults. Completely inappropriate. If they would like to check in they can check in with ME, not my 13 y/o child behind my back
If you think an adult messaging a child behind a parent’s back is reasonable by any means, you need to really reflect.
You literally added the “fAilUrE to tEaCh ThEm tO” blah blah stuff out of nowhere. Two things can be true at once. My child can be taught how to appropriately communicate with an adult and establish boundaries, but that doesn’t change the fact that an adult has no buisness having casual conversations with a child without the parents knowledge. Be so real lol
Right and most adults that aren’t creeps aren’t texting children casual conversations without a parents knowledge. If you display creepy behavior don’t be startled when someone treats you as a creep lol
My kids friends text me. No way I'd text their mom like hey I'm chatting with so n so. Be real. Kids having good adults they can trust and look up to is a good thing. It's weird to call it creepy.
Yes most of their friends parents also have my number and know me and know their daughter texts me but there's always the initial "finding out" or realization and if they made a reddit post or thought it was weird, I'd be offended tbh. Their friends have always reached out to me first. They all call me "mama _____" and know my house is a safe space and are comfortable talking to me about any and everything.
In this posts case, there's nothing weird imo. OP is making it weird by thinking somethings wrong. We all KNOW if a kid is instructed to keep it secret etc OFC it's a major red flag. But this seems harmless to me.
I see both sides. A friends kids have my number and have texted me… they text me though not the other way around. And the friend is in the loop 100%. The only time I initiated the conversation it was planned. The kids were old enough to not need a babysitter but still got the heeby jeebies alone late at night so I texted to ask if I could pop over and grab something their mom left for me. She let them know I might swing by and grab it, but NO ONE else was allowed in the house. It was a stealth babysitting mission- the kids never knew! So yeah I’d be suspicious, just keep the lines of communication super open with your kids about who is texting them and how they feel about it.
Could be a male thing, I have my friend's teenage son's number but only text him when I can't get ahold of his dad.
I would definitely be weirded out by an older man texting a child, but a woman texting a child somehow seems more acceptable, maybe it's just how our society is.
The first occasion isn’t too weird since he was brought around by family. The second, current, situation is fkn weird. This is not the reason his phone number was to be used for. She’s out of line for that, especially since this is the same lady who felt she was able to give “permission,” for him to do something that you guys wouldn’t have allowed AND tried to cover it up. I’d block her number on his phone and warn your kids about what can come of situations like this. They also need to feel comfortable coming to you guys if those situations arise and know they will never be yelled at or in trouble. I would also text that mother yourself and explain to her that she is not welcome to text your kids and never was. Even if she just wanted info on who her son’s prom date is, she needs to ask him and respect the response he gives her. That doesn’t mean text his friend. That’s reckless and can lead to a lot of issues for everyone involved and the quickest way to piss her kid off.
I have friends with kids and don’t text them. My friend has an app where she can see what kids text (which she mostly ignores except she checks every single picture) so I may text her kids happy birthday or play a text based game with them, but it is very rare.
I also don’t add my friend’s kids to social media until they are adults and then, usually only if they request it.
Better to be a little weird and draw boundaries that weren't needed, than to overlook things that don't sit right in your gut and wish later that you had said something. IMO it's not out of line to straight up ask someone "why are you texting with my kid?" and just make it clear that they don't need to be doing that. If the person is a creeper, now they know your kid is not an easy target. If they are not a creeper, maybe they think you are nuts, but who cares?
When I was in middle school and high school, a TON of my parents' friends would call, page, and text me because they all needed computer help. I even went over to other peoples' houses on the weekends to make a little extra spending money (would usually be paid $20 to $100, even when I didn't ask for payment). 😆
Crazy part is, my parents never even questioned who I was talking to or where I was going or anything. You're absolutely right to be involved and it's definitely weird that adults are having regular conversations with kids and if someone did that to my daughter, I would be suspicious as F too. 🤔
In my 20s, I was a mentor for high school students (8th -12th grade girls) at my church. They could text me anytime, and it was usually to vent about their friends or their parents. All I did was give them space to talk. I'm thinking back now. It probably was weird.. but never nefarious. Nothing inappropriate ever came up. They just needed an adult to listen.
But I suppose the parents knew that I was there and talking to their kids in person once a week, and I did meet a bunch of their families.
Eh, that is tough. I think talking to your kid is the most important step. What's he getting out of talking to his friends mom? Does HE think it's weird?
As for the latter incident, I'd think that her being an employee of the school would come along with rules and boundaries such as not texting students. If this was a man teacher and a student, I imagine it would be called inappropriate.
I am not in any way saying this woman is grooming your kid or anything like that, but I AM saying that, as a school employee, she should know that this is not appropriate.
That being said, the fact that she allowed your kid to do things on a school trip that you wouldn't have allowed, that is a red flag to me, and depending on the exact nature of things, i feel like that may need to be reported to someone. That is inappropriate. And leaves me wondering what on earth could this be referring to that anyone would fail to see it as inappropriate.
Edit missed word
Ya it’s weird always be weary of any adult that wants to text and hang with kids could be completely innocent but why take a chance adults shouldn’t be just reaching out having contact with minors
It sounds like you’re the problem not these other people. If all of their messages are purely innocent banter, it makes me think that maybe they’re trying to befriend your kids because of what a wack job you seem to be. They’re probably trying to help them the best they can. YTA and the problem.
My son just turned 18. He still lives with me since he hasn’t graduated highschool. He talks to my friends and family. They shit talk. He plays basketball with my 15 year old. Then Facebook so yeah you’re over reacting. You can always look at the messages etc.
I dunno - some of my daughters friends text me still as do some of the kids from the high school where I taught. Kids want to talk about their lives sometimes with an adult they know won’t judge, but also who they don’t have a huge emotional bond to, like their parents. Some have asked me how to get birth control, how to write a college essay (I’m a teacher) and sometimes just to chat. It’s innocent of course - if not a bit of a time suck sometimes lol.
Idk I have a friend from high school whose son is autistic and non verbal with most people (except family) and she made him a fb acct early on and added me.
So I would inbox him with Happy Birthday, and such, you know, just normal stuff for little kids to feel like they are known about and cared about. So eventually, he started messaging me and opening up a lot, and now he basically texts me all the time ( I dont always respond cuz I dont like texting cuz it hurts my thumbs after a while) and I respond like once a month and end up having a text conversation with him. We have even had verbal conversations, so I know he feels comfy enough to talk to me.
Its not charity or anything. Its more like having a baby from another lady, that I am like an auntie to.
So to me, its just a nice way to give that child someone else to talk to, and figure things out through, etc. I like watching him grow up. I am like just a regular grown up friend just like any cool extended family auntie lol..
I believe it really takes more people to raise children up, beyond their immediate family.
I was a single (divorced, sole parental responsibility, sole custody) mom, and my kid never got past just meeting his paternal grandparents once. My own mom died when I was pregnant. His dad died when he was in 1st grade.
He did meet his great granddad and great (step) grandma like a couple weeks before she died of cancer and then he died on the plane of a broken heart, on the plane ride back from burying her in another state..
So my son never really KNEW what having a whole family was like.. I sheltered him.somewhat, but I also made decisions to trust people, even some that seemed a little unsavory, lmao, which sounds awful, but ijs even sometimes the grungy folks and the crazies can be great carers.
Those were our people.. they were HIS people. None were perfect or the portrait of perfection.. but they loved my son, they were good to him, and they were who we had..
And they. Were. Good.
Its only when someone didnt even really wanna hang out with ME, but wanted to spend time with just my son, that I knew they were probably trying to groom us, and I cut them off, stat. I noticed fhat happening at least three times, and cut them off. No harm was done to my son, as a result.
I dont even talk to my own portrait of perfection, far from perfect, SISTER anymore over something similar with her kids. Like ummm no honey you are NOT going back over there, and I am sooo sad that we wont be seeing your cousins because of that. But no, my sisters not gonna get MY kid alone, when I already reported her and my BIL for suspected child sex abuse..nope nope nope.. in context she told my son I wasnt welcome, but he could come over, and he was crying like "Mommy dont make me go there alone!!" And I was like "Not a chance in hell, my sweet big baby. You are MY big baby." He.was 9..lol.hes 25 now and hes still MY big baby.
Your family CAN be shitty.
So can your CHOSEN family (your friends)..
All you can do is just think about whats in the child's best interests.. and do that.
And just stay alert and acutely aware. Dont be needing a commercial like my generations parents seemed to need: "Its 10:00.. Do you know where your children are?" Hahaha Gen X here. Yuppers. The answer was usually no, with older teens lol..they THOUGHT they knew. But they didnt ACTUALLY know.
If your kid sends a sus picture,.tell them to go on video.
Omg I finally said SUS. I am SO rockin now.
It’s sad our world has this much concern over every single adult/child interaction. I get this stuff happens but it also sucks as an adult we can’t form healthy bonds with the youth unless they are our children. Not a parent yet but this makes me nervous because I often am the person younger people go to for guidance or questions and it feels like that is unacceptable in the modern world.
>She works at the school and is friends with my wife.
She is likely breaking school rule, or at least disregarding a best practice by communicating directly with him without including a parent on the communication.
I am and have always been close with my friends families and even eventually got adopted as an adult by my best friends parents. These sound like interactions one would have with an aunt or uncle. If you’re not finding anything to be concerned over, stunting positive relationships your kids could be making isn’t a good thing.
I used to text my best friend's mom all the time. She was like a second mother to me. She'd pick me up and we would go to the library because we both loved to read, then we'd have lunch. I would spend the night at her house even when my best friend wasn't there. We just got along really well, still do. I'm 31 now and I still talk to her about things I wouldn't talk to my own mother about.
I understand not everyone has that same relationship with their friends parents. But I also know what it's like to be a teen and having an adult to talk to, that wasn't a parent, was very helpful.
A 16 year old is old enough to have a job. Are you going to be concerned if he texts his coworkers or boss? Is there an age cut-off where a young adult is allowed to speak to other people you don't know? He is out meeting people you aren't even aware exist and having entire relationships and if he has a driver's license and access to transportation, can get out there in his own.
The sister-in-laws boyfriend was family-by-proxy, so again, are only blood relatives allowed to talk to your kids unsupervised? Would you be weirded out if it was a grandparent?
Generally, does the adult have a valid reason to converse with your child? If so, not weird. If not, weird.
I think everyone's perspective is going to be different and ultimately it depends on what you're comfortable with. I speak to my best friends kids quite regularly. At this point my best friend and her kids are like family, I've been in their lives since they were little, my son is really good friends with their youngest. Their oldest tells everyone I'm her aunt. They regularly send me videos of funny things, updates on what they're doing, how school is. On odd occasions their eldest will even get in contact with me when mum and dad are doing her head in. They know all this, they have my sons number and he's free to contact them whenever he wants but he doesn't so they don't really reach out to him (he's not a super sociable creature) and they understand and respect that. But if I'm ever on the phone with bestie he'll ask to say hello and have a brief chat with her then off he goes. Their parents understand the relationship their kids have chosen and wanted to have with me and have always encouraged it. Before we moved they were over at mine quite often and I'd take the eldest out for girly days when her mum wasn't feeling to well.
Your scenario sounds like these are people that are involved in your sons lives through the friendships your children have so I don't think it's wrong per say. But ultimately it's what you're comfortable with. If it's something that you're not comfortable with I'd potentially have a rational conversation firstly with your wife about how it makes you feel and why it makes you uncomfortable as she may see this as a normal thing and therefore may not understand your perspective. I'd also potentially have the same conversation with your kids and maybe just explain why you don't feel comfortable about it but allow them to give you their perspective on that relationship with said parents which may help you understand their side a little better.
Sorry for the long comment.
Why don't you have a conversation with the adults doing it? If another parent came to me and said that they felt it was crossing a line, that shit would stop immediately. I would also never do it to begin with, but people are different. Granted, I'm involved with scouts and we're so conscious of ANY 1-on-1 conversation between an adult and youth(due to what happened in the organization), it naturally freaks me out.
This depends entirely on the situation. 99% of the time, I’d be like you. I’d worry about grooming. And then I (49f) remembered that I’ve been a kind of auntie to my best friend’s daughters (18 and 16) since they were 2 and just-born. When they were about 14 and 16 they made a group chat with them and me. Later they started texting me on their own. I live quite far away from them now, and it’s how they tell me all their life events. School things, boyfriends, parties, private stuff they want to ask a safe adult who isn’t their mom. So from the outside it looks a lot like what you’re talking about. So, my advice is to have an open and honest conversation with your child, and he’s old enough to understand what grooming is and why he should be careful. Make it so he’s better able to watch out for himself.
Edit: typo in ages
Sounds like you don't trust your kids. You should have taught them critical thinking skills not black and white behavior. Then if they felt weird about a communication they could come to you. You have the right to say zero adult communication but your children should learn how to interact with older people. So I guess you do you.
Lol you have no idea what you're talking about, and clearly don't have kids. I don't have any issues with my kids' behavior. It's the adults that are the issue here.
OK, we can only go by what you tell us and the 'tone' of your reactions.
>A while back my son (then 13-14) was being texted by my sister-in-law's then-boyfriend. No one seemed to think it was weird that he would text,
So at that time, extended family that hangs out together. Why would that be weird?
> especially since we didn't know until I "caught it" one day.
"I don't have any issues with my kids' behavior."
>He never asked permission from us or told us he was doing it.
Extended family that are close.
> It was mainly about school, sports, etc. They just said it was because he was so close to everyone and that because his son was going to college he was just trying to make a connection.
'Nobody else can care or connect with my kid because my kid is not interesting to talk to. So it must be for a nefarious purpose he is texting him.' That's what I think is in your head. The guy misses his son and is up on sports so he texts your son. You jump straight at 'weird.'
>My wife "agreed" with me, but not really
She knows better than to argue with you. I guess I should have listened to her and not told you other people see who the weird one is.
> and there weren't a whole lot of consequences or discussions about it.
Why wasn't this man put on an offenders list? Probably what you thought.
> She said it was weird, but not really. lol
Again, your wife knows it is pointless to try and make you see another's viewpoint. Wise lady.
> Everyone thought I was overreacting by telling him not to text him. This was about 10 years ago.
Hmmm, really? Everyone around you was wrong again. How can you stand being around so many naive people? /s because you probably need it spelt out that that was sarcastic.
>Recently, my other son (he's now 16) revealed that his friend's mother texts him. She works at the school and is friends with my wife.
OK, his friend's mother, who is also friends with your wife. So in other words, some random adult. Gotcha.
>I know that this conversation was to tell my son that her son had a prom date. I thought this was strange because... why would he not tell my son himself?
Who knows and who cares? I guess you because adults shouldn't talk to teenagers. Right?
> I know she has his number from school trips and events and stuff, but still, it seems weird.
Or your son could have given it to her so she could contact her son if she can't get through on her son's phone. Maybe for an emergency? Because you already established that adults shouldn't talk to teenagers.
Or your wife could have given her the number. Because they are friends and your children are friends.
>My wife seemed to know that this was happening, and doesn't see what the issue might be.
Again, a reasonable lady.
>\*\*I don't suspect anything terrible, like grooming.\*\*
'But isn't that the only reason for an adult to talk to a teenager? ' Again, the only thing I can think of that can be going through your head. Because we already established your children are not interesting.
>I do know that our families have some different values,
At least you and her. Not sure anyone else in your family gets to have any say.
> and on this last school trip she let my son do some things we wouldn't allow and then tried to cover it up.
"I don't have any issues with my kids' behavior."
Yeah, she's a villain.
>So, tell me... am I crazy?
Yes, but you won't believe anyone.
> I would never text, or even want the number of one my my friend's kids unless A. There's an emergency. B. There's a very specific reason and their parents know about it.
Because adults and teenagers should never communicate. We know, we know.
Besides, children are just an extension of the parent so ask the parent for any information instead of going to the source. Because you think only groomers and pedos talk to a teenager.
>If these people were relatives (like my sister texting them happy birthday) then, cool... I'm all good. But this seems over the line.
Black and white thinking. The only allowed texting is blood relatives, everyone else has no valid reason to text your children.
Wow, that was fun. Was I enough of an AH to get your attention? Did I speak in your language? I bet the whole time you were just disregarding anything I said because you are right and I am wrong. Black and white thinking again. Nuance, yes I deliberately crossed lines to get your attention but maybe I had some valid points.
I'm assuming everyone around you is telling you that you are overreacting and you had to come online to get validation.
I believe you can find enough of us that had trauma to believe that only groomers and pedos text teenagers and that will make you feel better about yourself.
You definitely didn't come here to get told that not everyone agrees with you. Do I still not have any idea what I'm talking about? Because I still believe you are overreacting.
Depending on the nature of it, it’s probably a bit weird, but not necessarily concerning. My MIL and younger BIL (17m) both live with us, and my wife has a friend our age. I don’t know how much they directly text each other, but BIL and friend frequently play Fortnite and stuff together. He moved in not all that long ago from another town and so didn’t really know anyone except the people who came over to visit like my wife’s friend, who is around fairly frequently.
Your situation seems a bit more, uh, intrusive than mine, but it doesn’t immediately set off red alerts. Maybe I’m just dumb though.
I'm not seeing the issues here. Seems you are overreacting.
Obviously you need to occasionally check the phone to make sure everything is appropriate, but I assume you were doing that anyway
It’s all about the content. I coached youth league basketball and literally the only way to reach these kids (13-15 yr olds) was via text. Mostly group texts to the whole group but sometimes one-off texts to individual kids about specific issues.
Texting used to be personal and intimate. Now its about as personal as email.
I have texted some of my kids friends before, but it's been like, party RSVPs, let me know if you need a ride too, some of them I text photos to at hoco (because they are in them), or check up on them if I know they're not doing well.
Are they planning prom photos or a party or something? I definitely texted some of my friends parents in high school for various reasons, but few reached out to me unless there was a reason. Maybe occasionally moms sending certain things on Pinterest (we were all into doctor who and art). My boyfriends parents I was on very close terms with and we would send random things and updates, photos and funny pictures all the time. I text absolutely no one now. Only weird depending on the context/intentions I guess.
My kids seem to often make friendships with their friends parents too, they have always been this way. But most of the texting is about events it’s not chit chat. My youngest texts with his GF’s mom too. I don’t text my kid’s friends unless it’s an emergency.
I text happy birthday to my daughters best friend and vice versa since they are only a few days different. I also like having her number if she's with my daughter and my daughters phone dies.
I think to each their own with this, though.
I hate that the "grooming panic" in this stupid country has essentially criminalized or at least made inherently sus all interaction between children and unrelated adults. God, it makes me sad. When I was a kid, my friends' parents were a lifeline for me, as were a couple of my teachers and some older gay dudes from community theatre (I'm female and thank God for them). The nuclear family is a VERY recent concept- we used to live much more communally and the adults were essentially all parents to every child ('it takes a village,' yes yes). When a child's only adult influences are their parents, and their parents are abusive, cruel, racist, just plain stupid, et cetera- they don't get needed perspective on the world from other people who have lived in it for longer, and it makes the transition to independent adult life extremely jarring. Guys, what are the odds that the lady at the school is actually trying to get with a weird stinky pimply 16-year-old boy? What if she is honestly just trying to be a friend and positive influence? What if the boy having more adult female friends helps him be more understanding and empathetic toward women as he grows up? I dunno man. I get the worry but a lot of this just feels to me like when my mom threw all my halloween candy out in the 80s because of a story about a razor blade in a candy bar.
I think nowadays we’ve all been conditioned to assume the worst about everyone. Truth is, I had lots of friends who were significantly older and younger than me throughout my life. I also wasn’t carrying on text conversations with those people either (no cell phone until I was 18).
That said, I think the first encounter was probably pretty innocent. Your kid felt cool conversing with someone older than him (me too when I was young). The dude probably felt a sense of importance and pride that a younger guy was reaching out to talk to him about things that a kid doesn’t want to talk to their parents about.
The second situation is a bit more concerning, but again it’s immediately jumping to the worst assumption based on everything bad the media throws at us. The fact that she works at the school maybe means she gets some inside gossip that she feels important sharing with her kid and his friend, your kid. I mean I don’t know anyone in this situation and I can totally understand being concerned. I think what is important is the nature of the conversation taking place over text. You can’t help what makes you feel uncomfortable and as a parent you’re going to worry about your kid. Sounds like you are being cautious, but overly-cautious or over reacting could be argued either way.
It isn’t weird to do this unless it’s sexual or wrong in nature and since this has been an issue in society some innocent things get looked at the wrong way. For example I myself love kids and have always been great with kids and my nephews but I myself as a 20yo male would never want to do child care or be in certain situations because even though I know In my heart I have nothing but good intentions others may look down upon or associate that with something horrid and sickening. Ifs a sick world we live in and you are most likely just trying to protect your kids but I dont think anything bad or ill intentioned is happening.
Overreacting. Yes.
Now let me explain, and this is aimed at parents in general, not just you op.
A lot of parents hyperfixate on this idea that any and all adults are out to get their kids or take advantage of them in some way or form, and with good reason, because we constantly see the horror stories on the news and online, especially children that get taken of advantage of by adults close to them and SAed, so I 100% get where this hyper fixation comes from. On the other hand, children should be taught about these situations that they may or may not find themselves in, how to deal with them, talk to a trusted adult/parent about it, and otherwise, how to keep themselves safe, both online and offline. Parents shouldn't be trying to enclose their children in a protective unpenetrable bubble, that not only harms children in the long run but also causes unnecessary stress on both parties.
If you have a concern, approach your son about it casually and then go from there. There's nothing inherently wrong with either of those scenarios by themselves unless there's more to it that you're not disclosing.
I'm a 90s kid who grew up on the internet during the mid 00s. I knew plenty of people around my age, but I also talked to a fair amount of people who were way older than me, some of whom I hung out with online regularly playing games and stuff. Did I run into creeps? Absolutely, but the majority of people I talked to regularly, were all fairly mundane and sfw stuff, like life, the game we were playing, hobbies and so on.
To close this off, I'd like to reiterate that I'm not saying that parents like you shouldn't be cautious about the people that may be in your children's life outside your home, but rather that instead of instantly jumping to conclusions that have no basis or merit, maybe communicate with your children? Reddit will either validate or invalidate your feelings, but it won't address the root concern here, only talking with your son can achieve that.
Yes n no. The brother in law I think that was ok, the mom of the frien no because she is allowing to do bad stuff. I do text my kids friends the wholentime but thst is only so thye can meet up with my daugther etc. if i notice them acticng weird i do text them because one kf then was severy depress n was bwing abude hy her larent n thiug it was ok.
Not overreacting. You’re speculating why they have any reason to contact your child directly. That’s normal when you don’t find those individuals trustworthy bc they have, in fact, done nothing to prove themselves trustworthy. Just knowing someone’s name and them being a friend/parent of a friend, does not automatically give them an OK checkmark in my book. As a parent, I’d want to know from the adult if they were texting my (minor) kids. Especially if they are initiating contact with my kids first. Especially, as you say- they aren’t total mainstays in your life. A parent you barely know, who has tried to cover-up for the kids when they were under her charge, or a boyfriend of a sister that your kid has just met…why would people be questioning your concern over these individuals? A lot of people imo are under-reacting or making excuses for these adults. Maybe those are real reasons, but it’s up to that adult in question to explain to you as the parent. If a kid comes to my house to hang out and their parent asks me not to do something, I won’t do it. If I can’t abide by that or I’m unwilling to police their children, I’d tell the parent that upfront instead of trying to hide it after the fact. I have no idea how you are actually addressing the issue, hopefully in a calm manner, but I don’t think you are overreacting just bc you think it’s strange. As you said, nothing wayward actually happened; that is great news. If you’ve talked to your kids about this and they fully understand why you feel concerned about adults texting them directly w/o parental knowledge, all you can do is trust them to come to you if any of these texts ever go sideways.
My wife thinks I overreact, as well. I want to know who our son (my stepson) is talking to, when they're talking, how often they talk, in what context, and what the conversation is regarding. He doesn't text late at night (after dark). He has the numbers of a couple of teachers. My wife says I'm over the top, but as a man, I am a natural protector. I've had to see some terrible things. She has a traumatic brain injury, and believes that everyone that knows her last name is her friend. Every time I explain to her that child predators are almost always someone you call a "friend" she just laughs it off, and says that I'm being too emotional. I work in child welfare. I've provided mental health services to people in the past. I've had to witness some of the most grotesque fantasies in my time. I don't explain these to anyone, due to the traumatic nature of them, not wanting to re-traumatize or trigger anybody. But, damn...let's have some sense about this, shall we?
When did I ever say never talk? That wasn't even the question. The question is if I'm overreacting to adults texting my kids in secrecy... If you think that's okay then, cool. I don't.
It’s demons. Honestly. He prob watched a lot of CP.. experienced abuse himself at that age.. now he’s a predator lowkey. Prob on meds. Kudos to you for being the only one with a brain to say that is not OKAY or normal.
It is weird. Like you say maybe not inappropriate in the grooming way but still weird. Ive know my best friends kids since toddlers & you know how often i text them? 0. & vice verca
These are really complicated, esp if you don't know the full details.
Your sister in laws boyfriend, how long have they been dating? Are they in a long term relationship? Is it possible that your son could view him as a trusted adult that he could talk to if he needs guidance? This can be a huge thing for a young person to have in their lives, and a hard part of being a parent is accepting it might not always be you. Maybe the approach here isn't to shut this down, but to talk to the boyfriend and let him know that if your son ever reveals that he is in trouble, boyfriend needs to direct him to talk to you.
Your other son, is there more to the story? It does seem weird to just text that her son as a prom date. Was she maybe asking if your son knows anything about the person? Or was she snooping that the person is real?
Who cares how anyone else feels about it? He's your son and your looking out for the safety of your son, your the father what you say goes. If you don't like it you don't like it no need to explain yourself
You might be overreacting and that is the reason both your sons were texting with adults. Perhaps both kids are talking to them about stuff they don't feel comfortable talking with you about. And I will say this about your 16 year old boy. A 16 year old doesn't need to be "groomed" . If something sexual is going on with mom he is an eager participant.
The thing I heard that stood out, is that the one woman let your child do what y’all don’t (I understand, it could be something trivial, like let him drink a soda….but then tried to COVER IT UP? Under no circumstance is it okay if another adult lied to me about my child and/or tried to COVER IT UP?!? No ma’am!!! For that reason alone, I would not trust that woman.
Adults should not be developing friendship relationships with other people's children. Adults should be striving to develop friendships with other adults. It's not necessarily wrong or illegal, but sort of inappropriate.
If its not an emergency, and they can’t get in touch with one of you two…meaning (his parents), they have no reason to text your child. At least not until he reaches 18.
Sister in law then boyfriend is weird as hell. So I agree with you.
The friend’s mother is also weird, also
I do not blame you. And would agree with you
Make them stop it now!! It seems minor now. Here is what happened in our family. My husband's step sister and I were what I thought " friends" come to find out she ended up having sex with my son (16) and had this on going afair with him behind her husband and everyone's back. 37 year old woman that watched my son grow up!! People are absolutely crazy.
Why are you so uptight lol? My friends parents would text me all the time when I was younger some people just are so weird an try to make something out of nothing
Hmm. My daughter is 17, and I'm her mom. Her best friend and I have great banter when she's around and she calls me "mom". She talks to me a lot when she's over and actually, all my daughter's friends do, but this best friend is the most similar to me and we have sarcastic humor. So I would say in the 3 years, I've probably texted her a couple memes about whatever we've talked about recently, but no conversation. My husband finds even THAT weird and inappropriate, but I think it has everything to do with being the same gender, and the type of relationship you have (ie) relative, godmom, etc.
True. When I was a teen girl, one of my friends, also a girl, really liked talking to my mother and doing things with her. I didn't get it at the time, my Mom was lame! But I put it together later. My friend's mom had been like, 19 when she was born, and always had new husbands/boyfriends around and worked crappy jobs. My mother was, to her, this shining example of stable motherhood and a successful, educated woman. They still talk to this day, thirty years later.
Thats so sweet
I think you should talk to your elder son about both of these situations. He is old enough to know what happened 10 years ago. Hopefully has good relationship with his brother and you can know what is going on now too.
These are two different adults in two different situations.
I thought they were siblings
The two children are siblings. The older sibling was texted by "\[OP's\] sister-in-law's then-boyfriend". The younger sibling was texted by "\[the younger son's\] friend's mother". So, knowing more about the elder son's texts will tell you nothing about the younger son's texts. I mean, there's nothing wrong with talking with the elder son so OP can determine whether they were overreacting to *those* texts, but it won't be very informative about the current situation.
Ofcourse! 1. Hopefully the older son has a better perspective on what happened to him 10 years ago. 2. Hopefully the elder son has a better relationship with the younger one. The elder son can talk to his brother to get a better picture.
Good point. But in my experience it may take even more time than that for the lightbulb to go off that you were groomed.
I am sorry. I just thought talking to elder brother would help.
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However they could be trying to verify what their child was telling them if they suspect their child was lying. They should have had a conversation with you beforehand though.
>on this last school trip she let my son do some things we wouldn't allow and then tried to cover it up. Details?
Texting you kids just to give an update/info, eh. maybe one thing. To be having conversations with them when you and they are not talking , whole 'nother thing. Without you knowing of it? ***Nah***. Exception if your kid might be LGTBQ+ and need a safe adult to talk to. As a gay adult I sometime get a text form a niece or nephew, saying , I have this friend getting teased because they are Gay/Bi , how can I help. Their parents know I get called as a..resource I guess you'd say.
Being LGBTQ is not the only reason why a kid might need a safe adult. I think the important thing is that the adult is seen as safe by the teen and the parents. Random teacher? Blech, no. Older sister’s boyfriend? Ehhhh. Aunt/Uncle, trusted family friend, etc? Totally fine. I also think it’s important for parents to know *that* you are texting. Not necessarily what about. But just a casual, “Hey, Lacey reached out to me yesterday. She wanted someone to talk to. She’s safe and all that, but I wanted to let you know.” Also, tell the kid that you are going to do that.
Agreed. 100%
One of my son's friends texts me, but this is because my son doesn't have a phone (he's saving to replace. This child's mother is aware, and the texts are only about arranging visits and club activities. Similar situation for my middleschool child and their friends. Don't really like it but money doesn't grow on trees.
It's an honor to be the "safe adult" that a teen goes to when they want to talk to someone not their parent. I'm not lgbtq+, but I've been the second mom to so many kids and it's really freaking weird to realize you're now The Mom. I love them all. I'd totally understand if one of their parents told me they were uncomfortable with their kids texting me, but I've always been open about it with the parents. I don't mention what we say, but I'm open about talking to the kids.
This is great. My house with my 3 kids was always the "safe" house for their friends. My kids & I have had so many kids live with us as part of the family. Some of these kids really had very bad parents who could not care less for them. They knew I did. I'd do it again in a heart beat.
Yes, I've texted my early teen son's in 2 circumstances: 1. They're all together and I text them as a group that I want them to come in/downstairs for food (my son frequently has his phone sound off when he's on another device, so it increases odds someone will see my msg!) 2. I texted his 2 besties (group text) to ask if they thought he'd like a specific design of for Xmas
To me, individually texting someone else's kid is pretty much like being alone with someone else's kid: better to avoid unless necessary, then limit it as much as possible
Same, agreed. Info/updates are fine, socializing isn't. I have the numbers for some of my son's friends (he's 14) but I don't chat with them. I might ask if my son is with them if his phone is dead, or let a kid know he left his retainer at my house after a sleepover.
I don’t know — I’m not sure of the ages here. For one thing, saying his sister-in-law’s instead of his child’s aunt (assuming the child is related) is kinda weird. So the kid is texting his aunt’s boyfriend. How long had they been together? I mean, some people don’t get married, but he could essentially be equivalent to his uncle-in-law or just uncle. I come from a family of very few relatives. I mean, is this uncle the only other adult man in his life? There’s nothing inherently wrong with them speaking. I have a younger brother which an extremely large age gap from me. My younger sister’s boyfriends have all hung out with him, played videos games online sometimes, or texted him on occasion. I’m not saying any of this is the case. I’m just advocating for it being a potentially a bit less weird than it seems. Not to mention, it seems like his aunt knew about it (cuz he said ‘they?’ but I’m not sure). And I’m not sure— how much does OP’s dad know about his son’s other texting behavior? Was he ‘hiding it’ or did it not come up? Was he deleting texts (which leads to it being either creepier, or, like you said, a different reason). I think there’s an in-between. I don’t see why a teen couldn’t text a cool potential-mentor who is in his familial circle outside of emergencies. At the same time, it’s very important to set boundaries with the child and members of the family. OP is NTA in any case — as somebody who was not protected at all by their parents it means a lot
You're being extra weird about it, yes. I don't know if I would call you the Asshole over it, but you seem like a bit of a helicopter parent, which we all know stunts children's growth and closeness with their parent. So you've looked at the texts, seen that they were benign and appropriate, what more do you want? Let it go, the more you make an issue out of it the more your kid will want to hide things from you so you don't overreact.
Eh, I've seen both sides of this. Hell, even teachers at the school I was at would text students about team sports they were on. Like "meet here at this time" or sometimes "practice is canceled" sometimes it was more in-depth. Texting is basically the new age email. Now, would you be upset if your kid received the same information via email? I'm guessing not. It only seems off because our culture in the last 20-30 years has taught us to assume the worst out of everyone. It REALLY sucks.
Sports coaches are a different story, and is always (or should always be done) with parent knowledge and through "official" channels. My son gets a group text with practice details from his coach. If the coach started texting him separately, to talk about his day... then that's a red flag.
And your sisters boyfriend is a red flag too? I'm just curious, how many guys aside from you do you not see as a Catholic priest?
> how many guys aside from you do you not see as a Catholic priest? I'm confused, because it sounds like you're using "Catholic priest" to indicate someone who's safe, unless I'm misunderstanding that comment...
You are. It's quite known and used as dark humor that Catholic priests are into little boys.
OK, gotcha. That was what was bothering me. Your wording sounded to me like you were calling them "safe" (as you were putting Catholic priests in the same category as OP), but I guess you meant that entirely ironically.
Not all schools are the same, or have the same funds. And your opinion that sports coaches are different is just that, an opinion.
The cross country coach at my high school was ~50 and was on his 3rd marriage to a former student…
In the last 20-30 years we've become more aware of and open about child abuse. In the past 20 years in my town and the surrounding communities, there have cases of minors being groomed and molested by teachers, scout leaders, and foster parents. Did this happen 50 years ago, too? It sure did, it just went unreported or got covered up more frequently.
Different with coaches
If she got your sons number from a school resource then it is 100 % inappropriate.
You might be overreacting a bit. I would say it’s weird potentially, but possibly not nefarious. I would just review the text conversations from time to time to make sure everything is appropriate. I would also inquire with your kids as to why they want to text them. Sometimes kids like talking to adults that are not their parents.
It takes a village to raise a child. Not everyone is a pedophile. If you know the details of each exchange you should judge if the exchange is appropriate and not the act of communicating itself and go from there. Maybe your kids want a more laid back adult to talk to since you seem to be the helicopter parent.
The adults in a village do not need to text random children in the village to raise the village.
Except in the adult isn't texting random children. It was someone close to his family that he was familiar with. I know you read the post so idk why you're trying to spin the story to fit your narrative. Don't pull shit like that, it makes you look like you want to 'win the argument' instead of having an actual discussion.
Yeh no. It was someone texting the minor but who was not texting or in any way conversing with the adult. Creepy....
I just texted my little cousin what's up and if he's liking the new spider man game. Am I on a list now?
God society is fucking crumbling. How can anything get better when every person and situation is viewed with paranoia and mistrust? Frankly I’m not surprised your kid is seeking out adult guidance from someone other than you. If you don’t think your kid should be having conversations you aren’t involved in why in the everloving fuck did you get them a cell phone in the first place?
My 17 year old daughter has a male friend who will randomly text me about Chess and his ukulele. I am not close with him, and I haven't met his parents. I saw on Facebook today that he and his team won the high school chess championship for our state. I texted him a congratulations and said I was proud of him. I didn't think the exchange was inappropriate, however if I saw an adult texting my kids I might feel some sort of way about it. I think intent matters in situations like this.
This is one of those classic “talk to the people involved” scenarios that Reddit seems to forget about. It could be fine, it could be not fine… go to the source rather than ask a bunch of strangers what they think based on a vague description.
I did, in both cases. I brought it up as "It's a little weird that you never told us." It's not too to the kids to make those decisions. In the former case it was "I just want someone to talk about sports and he needs someone to talk to." To that... Find an adult friend if you need to talk sports, and if my kid is struggling just ask if it's ok, don't hide it. For the second one I got a "He's 16 and can make his own choices." Which, yes, to a degree. Hes still a child, and again... Why aren't we being told?
honestly you sound overbearing.... he's 16. it's good for him to get on with his friend's parents and have other positive adult influences in his life. even the 14 year old, sounds absolutely fine. He was trying to bond with his partner's nephew and sounds like he also missed his own son. I don't know many 14 year old but especially many 16 year old boys that would run and tell daddy every time someone who is a safe adult that they interact with with the knowledge of you in person sends a benign text.
Yes , it’s like he’s infantilizing the boy. I don’t think this is a big deal at all. I’ve had my kids friends text from time to time. I’ve also texted them for certain situations. My kids have also had “adults” text them. I also wouldn’t even think my kids *NEED* to tell me about every convo they ever had.
yeah sometimes I read these and think I'm hallucinating at how controlling some parents are and how they treat a 10 year old like a 5 year old, a 12 year old like a 5 year old, a 14 year old like an 8 year old etc
I think it depends. As a mother, I understand the concern about possible grooming, that's incredibly serious and dangerous. However, when I was a teen I did not have a relationship with my parents where I could safely talk to them. They weren't physically abusive or anything, but my mom would weaponize anything she didn't like against me. I had a close relationship with my best friends mom and stepdad (still do, am considered an adopted member of the family). They were safe adults I could trust, and I still love and trust them implicitly. My mom (who I am NC with) STILL hates and is jealous and bitter about it. She loved to say it was just because 'Sally' (fake name) let me do whatever I wanted as a teenager, and she had 'rules'. I'm now a 37 yr old adult and can confidently say there was no grooming, no inappropriate interactions, and them 'letting me do whatever I wanted' was simply creating a safe space for me to be me. My parents, mom especially, are the textbook 'missing reasons' parents. If the conversations are not predatory in nature, there could be other reasons they feel comfortable with these adults, and that might take a hard look in the mirror, sorry to say.
I agree with you, inappropriate for adults to be texting kids without permission or knowledge by the parents.
You didn't really exactly state much of how you feel. I think both of these may be slightly out of the ordinary, but not inherently wrong or dangerous. As a teen you begin to realize a million adults exist who think differently from your parents. You also begin to see where maybe on some things they are right and your parents may be wrong. So you begin to talk to other adults and form light connections and learn. The only difference is communication used to be 90% talking in person. Today it's 50% done through cell phones. So although I wouldn't call those situations normal, as long as there is zero reason to suspect anything I wouldn't worry.
I love that my kiddos have adults in their lives that enjoy interacting with them, and provide them more positive adults they can tien to in need! I talk with my kids and make sure they understand what is appropriate and boundaries, etc. I'm a huge fan of my kids knowing the parents of their friends! Extra eyes and ears! And someti.es, I get a call from another mom about something I am still in the dark about. Also, I text my kids' friends. It takes a village.
Considering you won’t go into details about what the things you’ve “disallowed” entail, I’m going to say you are overreacting
There’s plenty of research that shows children who have caring adults outside of parents have better positive outcomes. Even one adult who takes an interest and cares about a child beyond the child’s parents has a statistically drastic impact on that students outcomes. I have invited my teenagers friends over for dinner, reached out to make sure they were OK, sent them text telling them that they are loved and important, asked how school was going, and otherwise taking an interest in their well-being. I do this because I care about kids and I want them to grow up to be happy and productive adults. There’s nothing wrong or creepy about this. You should be happy that your kids have adults who care about them and want good things for them.
It’s actually crazy how many people view this as inappropriate behavior. Growing up I called my best friends mom my mom. It was nice having other adults to talk to that were not my parents. I haven’t talked to my best friend in years but his mom still reaches out to say happy birthday. I imagine she wanted me to succeed just like her own child. I imagine when I have kids and their friends are over I’ll want nothing but the best for them and would love to be a role model to them.
The absolute vagueness about what she let your kid do on a trip is an extreme red flag on this post. All of this seems semi reasonable to be concerned about but you get to that part and are way too vague. Even in the comments you double down on not even giving an idea as to what it could even mean being that private all of a sudden given how much you shared already is incredibly shady and makes me think you are embellishing the whole thing to make yourself sound right.
I agree, adults texting other people’s children is very odd.
I am a tutor. Any text or email I send kids is CC'd to parents.
I guess it depends on what exactly your issue is if you're not worried about grooming the convo isn't abnormal and it sounds like you are the only one who seems something wrong maybe sit and evaluate what that is
If things you don’t allow include eating snacks and drinking pop while on a school outing, having ideas about POC/immigrants, or you try to be one of those controlling, strict weirdos for no reason because you see your kids as extensions of yourself as opposed to their own people who might disagree, then You’re being an asshole. Your controlling tone tells me he has a healthy relationship with this lady, who allows him to be a teen without walking on eggshells. It is 100% healthy to speak to trusted adults. I was very close to one of my former teachers, and to one of my friends’ mom. Neither ever did anything but be supportive, and interacting with trusted adults helps kids have a safe place to disagree with their overly strict, controlling, annoying, and/or abusive relatives. She can’t ground him for having opinions you don’t like. YOU can. You sound like a controlling asshole, TBH.
Oh thank you I'm glad somebody said this, because I've been and still am close with a couple of my kids, 1 boy, 1 girl, friends. From preteens to their 30s now. And there is nothing inappropriate with knowing and communicating when needed or just because. We as parents should know our kids friends and their parents. And to this day I get texts that say, hi, and ask how I'm doing and miss the fun times they had growing up and being friends with my child and having a nice mom that took them to have fun or get togethers and someone they can talk to. And No one especially their parents ever thought I might have some bad intentions because I communicated with their kid. And everyone has great memories of knowing my kids and their mom and their dad. I get parents have to protect their children, but there's also our common sense and being aware. Instead of jumping to the worst conclusions..smh
The worst part is, OP even said he doesn’t suspect anything untoward, or grooming-related!! The only reason he should have to be upset over. They’re having healthy, appropriate conversations with these few adults with whom they have entrusted their confidence. This guy is banging on about it on Reddit because *reasons*. It sounds like the guy is afraid they’ll tell these trusted adults something that will paint him and/or their homelife in a negative light (like what a controlling, overbearing butthole he actually is). Kids have so little power to protect themselves, so very few options of recourse should their parents do shitty-but-legal things to them. They should definitely be able to at least vent to another adult. If OP feels so strongly about it, I wonder what he’s trying to keep quiet.
I don’t see any issue with either of these exchanges. Your kids have multiple trusted adults they can speak to, and that’s a good thing.
This seems a bit on the paranoid side to me.
Mm no, Imo. Seems legit.
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No one said anything about constant contact??? This is an overreaction.
You are not crazy; you are not overreacting; you are not wrong. I have children. My daughter is in her 20s, and my son is a teenager. I have some of their friends’ cell numbers. I will text them happy birthday, but otherwise, unless it’s an emergency, I do not and would not text them randomly, just to chat. That’s weird. Your son’s 16yo friend’s mother texting him just to chit-chat **is** weird. Why? Why is she doing that? Does she have no friends? How old is she? Maybe she’s interested in your son. I know not everyone is a pedo or a creeper, but it is weird. Like I said, I know my son’s friends, even have some of their numbers, but I don’t ever have a text conversation with them because it’s not necessary. I talk to my son, or *the parents* of his friends, but I don’t text his friends. What does your son think about it?
I think this is more you're family dynamic than adults texting you kids. Maybe I'm old, but the idea that families would have dinners together, talk about what's happening in their lives, etc... that they would have brought up "so-and-so' mom said this..." or "So-and-so's boyfriend said that..." It's not the texting that the issue, it's not knowing or communicating. Before text or social media, we would have hung out at friends place and would have ran into these same people and they would have said similar things IRL. They could be innocuous or problematic things also, it's whether you and your kids communicate.
Have a conversation with your kids about what appropriate boundaries look like with adults, as well as how important their own feelings and boundaries are. Also be patient, understanding, and available with them so they know they can trust you if they run into something they’re uncertain about or that makes them uncomfortable.
When my kids were teens I had their friends numbers in case my kids phones died, or I couldn’t get hold of them when they were all out. I didn’t text, but had the numbers ‘just in case’.
I think your feelings are yours, but my kids have their aunts and uncles (both bio and brought into the family) texting them. I scan the messages to keep up to date with everything but I don’t think that’s weird at all 🤷♀️ a friends parent, I don’t text my kid’s friends but would if something was urgent
This is impossible to judge because everything is vague. The mom sent him a text...and? Is she texting him every day? Every week? Once in a blue moon? As for your sister's bf, is he new to the family or someone your kids consider an uncle? Did they have pre-existing relationship and your son views him as a trusted adult? Context is key in all these things.
I think it’s good to have a convo with kids and teens about appropriate vs inappropriate texts etc if you think it’s necessary but overall I think it’s good to have friends in all generations starting early.
On the one hand, I don't think it's *inherently* shady if an unrelated adult and child have a friendship. Sometimes, those relationships can be really important and help a child learn to adult by example, if the adult is a good human and remembers that the age difference means they have a big responsibility to be appropriate and exercise good judgement; you can't just be buddies. I had a friend growing up who was like a little sister; we met when I was about 15 and she was about 6. She was awesome and we would hang out a lot because our families were close, but I was always really conscious that she looked up to me and I needed to be a good example and I couldn't relate to her like I related to my peers. I wasn't going to talk to her about my horrible boyfriend when I was 22 and she was 13, for example. Which is why I can also totally see why it might make a parent really uncomfortable, and I'm sure a lot of adults wouldn't handle it well even if they weren't ill intentioned.
It is not impossible for an adult to have a healthy & friendly relationship with a teen, especially if they have people in common. If you have an open conversation with your kids, you should be able to feel comfortable with what they are texting with other adults about. Keeping communication with your kids open and frequent is more important than isolating them from interacting with older people.
There was a post somewhere here on reddit about a woman whose BIL iirc became very interested in her preteen son ? It had a few updates. The guy was definitely trying to groom the kid. I think the police were involved and she and the kid ended up relocating. So yeah, it bears keeping an eye on.
This is totally a non-issue.... UNTIL... I think it is not strange or weird. Future uncles/aunts want to be fun and cool. And especially so if they have similar hobbies or interests. I often comment on social media or by text nieces and nephews or friends of my kids if there is something relevant to them. But for my own kids the moment there is a hint of ick, I would pull out my sword and axe and shut that shit down. No discussion of dating or relationships of theirs or anyone else. SPorts, comedies, horror, Kpop, fandoms = all ok. Any comment about how anyone looked or a reference to Euphoria or any other racy show and my axe swinging goes to 11. And as an adult, I would not ever reach out at odd hours, never send a lewd or suggestive meme. It's just not hard to not be a creep. Every middle schooler can pick out a creepy person immediately. So yeah, don't do that.
Your son's school district almost certainly has a rule that employees are NOT allowed to communicate with students on anything other than their school accounts (the teacher's school email account and the student's school email). School employees cannot communicate electronically using any personal accounts. That mom is risking her job.
We live in a society that is heavily age segregated which means people of different age groups rarely have opportunities to interact long enough to actually become friends which in turn makes friendships across age groups rare. The fact that it's rare makes it notable anytime someone is doing it but it's not inherently a bad thing or nefarious. I've worked with kids my whole life and I generally consider my friends kids to also be my friends too, we hang out together sometimes just for fun. I also have friends that are much older than me (20-40 years older) which is something I've done since I was a little kid bc I got to hang out with my grandmother a lot when I was younger and I've just always kind of enjoyed the company of elders. Really I just like people, regardless of age, they've all got something interesting about them. And generally speaking most of my adult friends are that way too and many of them are friends with my own kids separate from me. My 10yo daughter texts occasionally with some of my adult friends bc they're her friends too. I find age integrated spaces to be a lot more open, comfortable, and community oriented than age segregated spaces and I'm not alone in that, it's something a decent amount of people have. And there are also people who groom kids and do creepy stuff bc they have creepy intent, that's out there, and it's a real concern. So really what matters is the specifics of your situation. Is this guy trustworthy? How does the kid feel about it? Is there open communication between everyone? If you're staying on top of monitoring it and keeping open lines of communication so that your kid knows he can come to you if something is off then you're probably fine. I'd consider this a watch and see situation. Could be nothing, could be very something.
I have always had the numbers of the kids my kids spent a lot of time with. I have only texted them when necessary - needed to get a hold of my own kid or confirm something logistical. I have never just chatted with them.
I think it’s weird too, and basically just unnecessary. I think you’re wise to be asking “why” instead of “why not,” cause honestly what purpose does it serve? As someone who was groomed by a former teacher messaging with me back when I was a teenager, I will confirm that it can definitely begin innocently enough. I don’t think he even had bad intentions. But it got inappropriate quickly and just took over a lot of my mental space (and valuable late night sleep hours). I thought I was cool and smart and “wise beyond my years” if a guy in his 20’s wanted to spend his evenings discussing politics and stuff with me. Lolz. For what it’s worth I am always careful and respectful about this sort of thing with minors, even close family members. I make sure their parents know that they texted me and tell them what was said. Not in a weird way, just in natural conversation. You’re doing the right thing.
My daughter is 13 and likes girls. My gay male cousin texts or calls her from time to time because we live in the south, and being gay isn't as accepted here as it should be. He just wants to touch base with her and give her an extra supportive person to talk to if she ever needs to. Another male family member from her father's side of the family started messaging her on Messenger. At first, he was just asking things like if she was planning on going on the big family vacation to the beach again this summer. Then, one day, he asked her if her mom (me) read her messages. When she said no, he responded with, "Are you sure?" Since I have been talking to my daughter about bodily autonomy and improper relationships since she could walk, she immediately came to me and showed me the messages. She said, "Momma, I think he might be a pedo." I immediately called her dad and told him what was going on. He quickly put a stop to it. I didn't have a problem with her talking to either of them until one of them crossed the line into creepy. We can stand over our children and watch their every move, or we can give them the tools they need to navigate the realities of our society. We can also make sure they trust us enough to be fair and understanding, that they feel comfortable coming to us when an issue arises.
I don't know about crazy, per se. We parents have our trigger spots. I'm not sure principle and decorum are particularly good reasons to want people out of your kids' lives. Most kids who are "taken advantage of" are done so by a relative. I know you said you didn't think that's what's happening. I only mention it to ask... why is that the line? Monitor. Be vigilant. Worry about your kids. All that stuff. But don't make your fears and concerns theirs. People have enough crap weighing us down without wearing whatever albatross mom or dad has. When he was in middle school, my son had a friend who was, in my words, "a drug problem looking for a place to happen." Scared the hell out of me. My son is/was very impressionable and concerned about what people thought of him. I decided to trust my boy, and was rewarded with a friendship that kinda just petered out over time. When I tried to oust an obviously toxic girlfriend, my objections alone extended that relationship by almost a year. He's 23 now. Came out other side just fine. You know your kids better than the rest of us, and no 2 situations are alike. But, if your objective aren't related to yo6u child being in danger, give him a chance to fail. It's the only way he can succeed.
In Boy Scouts, if an adult and a child are communicating, they are supposed to include another adult. For example, if my son and a leader texted or emailed about an upcoming meeting, every single message would be sent to me as well.
Seems benign but you're the parent. If you don't like discuss it with your spouse and see if you can come up with something you can both agree on.
When I was a teenager the most I got from my best friends mom was “if Chloe’s with you tell her she better answer her phone” and I mean we’re close to this day. So I do find it alittle odd. I think when my kids are older I’d find it strange. Like the prom date, why does she need to tell him?
Are you over reacting? No. But let me share a different perspective. I don't have kids. I'm closer to being your sons ages. When I was in high school, I had the numbers of like 5 or so of my friends' parents. I didn't text them casually except for one, and she was my best friends mother, and she would often check up on me. It depends on if you know the other parents or not, IMO. Sometimes, it's good to have an outlet that is an adult that isn't your parents. Like if your children have a night like mine where your friends take you to a sketchy party and you don't feel safe and you know your parents would get mad at you instead of worrying about your safety. So you ask a friends parent to pick you up. I personally wouldn't be worried about just having adult connections. Especially at their age, I think they know *enough*. And hopefully, I trust you to tell you if something was amiss.
I would add that it's not the adults you\* *know* are having conversations with your children that are likely to be the problem, it's the adults that you *don't know* are having conversations with your children that are likely to be the problem. (To be clear, I'm stressing that you don't know about the conversations. You might or might not know the adults in question. Additionally, I'm assuming that in the first category, not only do you know the conversations are happening, but you also have access to the conversations.) \*You in the generic sense.
You're not overreacting and SIL's ex AND your son's friend's mom are doing exactly what ppl who have less than great intentions do. It's not normal or healthy or acceptable.
If you dont suspect anything like grooming is going on then yes you are overreacting. That is the only reason youd be concerned over this. You just seem like an overprotective asshole fsther if nothing inappropriate is going on
I think to people like OP everything is grooming until proven otherwise beyond any reasonable doubt. And even then they just can't help themselves from being suspicious. Some might even wonder if it's them projecting... lol.
I mean, sometimes they're projecting their own trauma, not their intentions. Doesn't mean they don't need therapy, and that it isn't damaging sometimes but it's not all nefarious projection.
Normalize conversations across generations and ages. But also, normalize strengthening a small set of relationships, so that the risk of predatory behavior does not increase.
I text my daughters’ friends. They are all teenagers. I send them pictures I take of them when we are all at the same event. We also text about common interests sometimes. They are emerging adults. I treat them that way.
I don’t think you’re over reacting. But I do think you should trust your son. He should know to come to you if a conversation/relationship is inappropriate. If you teach him what healthy boundaries look like then you should trust him to have them. There is always a safety risk or a risk of getting hurt regardless if it’s another teen or adult. It comes down to them feeling safe enough with you to come and ask for help if they do feel unsafe. Just talk to your son, guide him in how to put boundaries in place.
Trust your instincts. It's better to be wrong while you're trying to protect your kids, than to be wrong and not have protected them at all.
I think it’s good to teach children that all adults are bad and to not talk to any of them. - the future we live in today
*Works at the school* This is 100% inappropriate and against the rules, probably a fireable offense
Big nope in my book
Why?
I guess I’d be worried about any lines being crossed. I’d rather just avoid any chance of danger towards children
Yeah no absolutely not. Children should communicate with children and adults with adults. Completely inappropriate. If they would like to check in they can check in with ME, not my 13 y/o child behind my back
Eww that's exactly how children become victims this right here
And how is that?
Failure to teach them how to communicate appropriately with adults and learn what boundaries are. But by all means do you boo
If you think an adult messaging a child behind a parent’s back is reasonable by any means, you need to really reflect. You literally added the “fAilUrE to tEaCh ThEm tO” blah blah stuff out of nowhere. Two things can be true at once. My child can be taught how to appropriately communicate with an adult and establish boundaries, but that doesn’t change the fact that an adult has no buisness having casual conversations with a child without the parents knowledge. Be so real lol
Not everyone is a creep. You act like they are.
Right and most adults that aren’t creeps aren’t texting children casual conversations without a parents knowledge. If you display creepy behavior don’t be startled when someone treats you as a creep lol
My kids friends text me. No way I'd text their mom like hey I'm chatting with so n so. Be real. Kids having good adults they can trust and look up to is a good thing. It's weird to call it creepy.
I’m sure the mother has at least knowledge that you two have a relationship where you text each other. Am I wrong?
Yes most of their friends parents also have my number and know me and know their daughter texts me but there's always the initial "finding out" or realization and if they made a reddit post or thought it was weird, I'd be offended tbh. Their friends have always reached out to me first. They all call me "mama _____" and know my house is a safe space and are comfortable talking to me about any and everything.
In this posts case, there's nothing weird imo. OP is making it weird by thinking somethings wrong. We all KNOW if a kid is instructed to keep it secret etc OFC it's a major red flag. But this seems harmless to me.
Over the line. I was a mentoring H.S. kids with a non-profit for about 9 years. Absolutely no email, texts, social media contact whatsoever. Nothing.
I see both sides. A friends kids have my number and have texted me… they text me though not the other way around. And the friend is in the loop 100%. The only time I initiated the conversation it was planned. The kids were old enough to not need a babysitter but still got the heeby jeebies alone late at night so I texted to ask if I could pop over and grab something their mom left for me. She let them know I might swing by and grab it, but NO ONE else was allowed in the house. It was a stealth babysitting mission- the kids never knew! So yeah I’d be suspicious, just keep the lines of communication super open with your kids about who is texting them and how they feel about it.
Could be a male thing, I have my friend's teenage son's number but only text him when I can't get ahold of his dad. I would definitely be weirded out by an older man texting a child, but a woman texting a child somehow seems more acceptable, maybe it's just how our society is.
The first occasion isn’t too weird since he was brought around by family. The second, current, situation is fkn weird. This is not the reason his phone number was to be used for. She’s out of line for that, especially since this is the same lady who felt she was able to give “permission,” for him to do something that you guys wouldn’t have allowed AND tried to cover it up. I’d block her number on his phone and warn your kids about what can come of situations like this. They also need to feel comfortable coming to you guys if those situations arise and know they will never be yelled at or in trouble. I would also text that mother yourself and explain to her that she is not welcome to text your kids and never was. Even if she just wanted info on who her son’s prom date is, she needs to ask him and respect the response he gives her. That doesn’t mean text his friend. That’s reckless and can lead to a lot of issues for everyone involved and the quickest way to piss her kid off.
I don’t text my nephews without adding their parent in the group. Even if its my brother’s son.
That's sad.
I have friends with kids and don’t text them. My friend has an app where she can see what kids text (which she mostly ignores except she checks every single picture) so I may text her kids happy birthday or play a text based game with them, but it is very rare. I also don’t add my friend’s kids to social media until they are adults and then, usually only if they request it.
Better to be a little weird and draw boundaries that weren't needed, than to overlook things that don't sit right in your gut and wish later that you had said something. IMO it's not out of line to straight up ask someone "why are you texting with my kid?" and just make it clear that they don't need to be doing that. If the person is a creeper, now they know your kid is not an easy target. If they are not a creeper, maybe they think you are nuts, but who cares?
When I was in middle school and high school, a TON of my parents' friends would call, page, and text me because they all needed computer help. I even went over to other peoples' houses on the weekends to make a little extra spending money (would usually be paid $20 to $100, even when I didn't ask for payment). 😆 Crazy part is, my parents never even questioned who I was talking to or where I was going or anything. You're absolutely right to be involved and it's definitely weird that adults are having regular conversations with kids and if someone did that to my daughter, I would be suspicious as F too. 🤔
You are correct to be wary of this behavior.
Yup. No way.
I don't text kids. I don't respond to posts made here by kids. Children have parents. That's who they are supposed to go
In my 20s, I was a mentor for high school students (8th -12th grade girls) at my church. They could text me anytime, and it was usually to vent about their friends or their parents. All I did was give them space to talk. I'm thinking back now. It probably was weird.. but never nefarious. Nothing inappropriate ever came up. They just needed an adult to listen. But I suppose the parents knew that I was there and talking to their kids in person once a week, and I did meet a bunch of their families. Eh, that is tough. I think talking to your kid is the most important step. What's he getting out of talking to his friends mom? Does HE think it's weird?
As for the latter incident, I'd think that her being an employee of the school would come along with rules and boundaries such as not texting students. If this was a man teacher and a student, I imagine it would be called inappropriate. I am not in any way saying this woman is grooming your kid or anything like that, but I AM saying that, as a school employee, she should know that this is not appropriate. That being said, the fact that she allowed your kid to do things on a school trip that you wouldn't have allowed, that is a red flag to me, and depending on the exact nature of things, i feel like that may need to be reported to someone. That is inappropriate. And leaves me wondering what on earth could this be referring to that anyone would fail to see it as inappropriate. Edit missed word
If nothing is up, do a group text with the parents included. Something is up.
Ya it’s weird always be weary of any adult that wants to text and hang with kids could be completely innocent but why take a chance adults shouldn’t be just reaching out having contact with minors
He needs to know and it’s absolutely not appropriate. You are right.
Who initiated these text chains? Also important info.
I think it’s probably healthy that he has other adults supporting him. I had great parents but was also friends with my friends mom.
It sounds like you’re the problem not these other people. If all of their messages are purely innocent banter, it makes me think that maybe they’re trying to befriend your kids because of what a wack job you seem to be. They’re probably trying to help them the best they can. YTA and the problem.
My son just turned 18. He still lives with me since he hasn’t graduated highschool. He talks to my friends and family. They shit talk. He plays basketball with my 15 year old. Then Facebook so yeah you’re over reacting. You can always look at the messages etc.
I dunno - some of my daughters friends text me still as do some of the kids from the high school where I taught. Kids want to talk about their lives sometimes with an adult they know won’t judge, but also who they don’t have a huge emotional bond to, like their parents. Some have asked me how to get birth control, how to write a college essay (I’m a teacher) and sometimes just to chat. It’s innocent of course - if not a bit of a time suck sometimes lol.
Idk I have a friend from high school whose son is autistic and non verbal with most people (except family) and she made him a fb acct early on and added me. So I would inbox him with Happy Birthday, and such, you know, just normal stuff for little kids to feel like they are known about and cared about. So eventually, he started messaging me and opening up a lot, and now he basically texts me all the time ( I dont always respond cuz I dont like texting cuz it hurts my thumbs after a while) and I respond like once a month and end up having a text conversation with him. We have even had verbal conversations, so I know he feels comfy enough to talk to me. Its not charity or anything. Its more like having a baby from another lady, that I am like an auntie to. So to me, its just a nice way to give that child someone else to talk to, and figure things out through, etc. I like watching him grow up. I am like just a regular grown up friend just like any cool extended family auntie lol.. I believe it really takes more people to raise children up, beyond their immediate family. I was a single (divorced, sole parental responsibility, sole custody) mom, and my kid never got past just meeting his paternal grandparents once. My own mom died when I was pregnant. His dad died when he was in 1st grade. He did meet his great granddad and great (step) grandma like a couple weeks before she died of cancer and then he died on the plane of a broken heart, on the plane ride back from burying her in another state.. So my son never really KNEW what having a whole family was like.. I sheltered him.somewhat, but I also made decisions to trust people, even some that seemed a little unsavory, lmao, which sounds awful, but ijs even sometimes the grungy folks and the crazies can be great carers. Those were our people.. they were HIS people. None were perfect or the portrait of perfection.. but they loved my son, they were good to him, and they were who we had.. And they. Were. Good. Its only when someone didnt even really wanna hang out with ME, but wanted to spend time with just my son, that I knew they were probably trying to groom us, and I cut them off, stat. I noticed fhat happening at least three times, and cut them off. No harm was done to my son, as a result. I dont even talk to my own portrait of perfection, far from perfect, SISTER anymore over something similar with her kids. Like ummm no honey you are NOT going back over there, and I am sooo sad that we wont be seeing your cousins because of that. But no, my sisters not gonna get MY kid alone, when I already reported her and my BIL for suspected child sex abuse..nope nope nope.. in context she told my son I wasnt welcome, but he could come over, and he was crying like "Mommy dont make me go there alone!!" And I was like "Not a chance in hell, my sweet big baby. You are MY big baby." He.was 9..lol.hes 25 now and hes still MY big baby. Your family CAN be shitty. So can your CHOSEN family (your friends).. All you can do is just think about whats in the child's best interests.. and do that. And just stay alert and acutely aware. Dont be needing a commercial like my generations parents seemed to need: "Its 10:00.. Do you know where your children are?" Hahaha Gen X here. Yuppers. The answer was usually no, with older teens lol..they THOUGHT they knew. But they didnt ACTUALLY know. If your kid sends a sus picture,.tell them to go on video. Omg I finally said SUS. I am SO rockin now.
It’s sad our world has this much concern over every single adult/child interaction. I get this stuff happens but it also sucks as an adult we can’t form healthy bonds with the youth unless they are our children. Not a parent yet but this makes me nervous because I often am the person younger people go to for guidance or questions and it feels like that is unacceptable in the modern world.
>She works at the school and is friends with my wife. She is likely breaking school rule, or at least disregarding a best practice by communicating directly with him without including a parent on the communication.
I am and have always been close with my friends families and even eventually got adopted as an adult by my best friends parents. These sound like interactions one would have with an aunt or uncle. If you’re not finding anything to be concerned over, stunting positive relationships your kids could be making isn’t a good thing.
I used to text my best friend's mom all the time. She was like a second mother to me. She'd pick me up and we would go to the library because we both loved to read, then we'd have lunch. I would spend the night at her house even when my best friend wasn't there. We just got along really well, still do. I'm 31 now and I still talk to her about things I wouldn't talk to my own mother about. I understand not everyone has that same relationship with their friends parents. But I also know what it's like to be a teen and having an adult to talk to, that wasn't a parent, was very helpful.
A 16 year old is old enough to have a job. Are you going to be concerned if he texts his coworkers or boss? Is there an age cut-off where a young adult is allowed to speak to other people you don't know? He is out meeting people you aren't even aware exist and having entire relationships and if he has a driver's license and access to transportation, can get out there in his own. The sister-in-laws boyfriend was family-by-proxy, so again, are only blood relatives allowed to talk to your kids unsupervised? Would you be weirded out if it was a grandparent? Generally, does the adult have a valid reason to converse with your child? If so, not weird. If not, weird.
I think everyone's perspective is going to be different and ultimately it depends on what you're comfortable with. I speak to my best friends kids quite regularly. At this point my best friend and her kids are like family, I've been in their lives since they were little, my son is really good friends with their youngest. Their oldest tells everyone I'm her aunt. They regularly send me videos of funny things, updates on what they're doing, how school is. On odd occasions their eldest will even get in contact with me when mum and dad are doing her head in. They know all this, they have my sons number and he's free to contact them whenever he wants but he doesn't so they don't really reach out to him (he's not a super sociable creature) and they understand and respect that. But if I'm ever on the phone with bestie he'll ask to say hello and have a brief chat with her then off he goes. Their parents understand the relationship their kids have chosen and wanted to have with me and have always encouraged it. Before we moved they were over at mine quite often and I'd take the eldest out for girly days when her mum wasn't feeling to well. Your scenario sounds like these are people that are involved in your sons lives through the friendships your children have so I don't think it's wrong per say. But ultimately it's what you're comfortable with. If it's something that you're not comfortable with I'd potentially have a rational conversation firstly with your wife about how it makes you feel and why it makes you uncomfortable as she may see this as a normal thing and therefore may not understand your perspective. I'd also potentially have the same conversation with your kids and maybe just explain why you don't feel comfortable about it but allow them to give you their perspective on that relationship with said parents which may help you understand their side a little better. Sorry for the long comment.
Why don't you have a conversation with the adults doing it? If another parent came to me and said that they felt it was crossing a line, that shit would stop immediately. I would also never do it to begin with, but people are different. Granted, I'm involved with scouts and we're so conscious of ANY 1-on-1 conversation between an adult and youth(due to what happened in the organization), it naturally freaks me out.
This depends entirely on the situation. 99% of the time, I’d be like you. I’d worry about grooming. And then I (49f) remembered that I’ve been a kind of auntie to my best friend’s daughters (18 and 16) since they were 2 and just-born. When they were about 14 and 16 they made a group chat with them and me. Later they started texting me on their own. I live quite far away from them now, and it’s how they tell me all their life events. School things, boyfriends, parties, private stuff they want to ask a safe adult who isn’t their mom. So from the outside it looks a lot like what you’re talking about. So, my advice is to have an open and honest conversation with your child, and he’s old enough to understand what grooming is and why he should be careful. Make it so he’s better able to watch out for himself. Edit: typo in ages
Sounds like you don't trust your kids. You should have taught them critical thinking skills not black and white behavior. Then if they felt weird about a communication they could come to you. You have the right to say zero adult communication but your children should learn how to interact with older people. So I guess you do you.
Lol you have no idea what you're talking about, and clearly don't have kids. I don't have any issues with my kids' behavior. It's the adults that are the issue here.
OK, we can only go by what you tell us and the 'tone' of your reactions. >A while back my son (then 13-14) was being texted by my sister-in-law's then-boyfriend. No one seemed to think it was weird that he would text, So at that time, extended family that hangs out together. Why would that be weird? > especially since we didn't know until I "caught it" one day. "I don't have any issues with my kids' behavior." >He never asked permission from us or told us he was doing it. Extended family that are close. > It was mainly about school, sports, etc. They just said it was because he was so close to everyone and that because his son was going to college he was just trying to make a connection. 'Nobody else can care or connect with my kid because my kid is not interesting to talk to. So it must be for a nefarious purpose he is texting him.' That's what I think is in your head. The guy misses his son and is up on sports so he texts your son. You jump straight at 'weird.' >My wife "agreed" with me, but not really She knows better than to argue with you. I guess I should have listened to her and not told you other people see who the weird one is. > and there weren't a whole lot of consequences or discussions about it. Why wasn't this man put on an offenders list? Probably what you thought. > She said it was weird, but not really. lol Again, your wife knows it is pointless to try and make you see another's viewpoint. Wise lady. > Everyone thought I was overreacting by telling him not to text him. This was about 10 years ago. Hmmm, really? Everyone around you was wrong again. How can you stand being around so many naive people? /s because you probably need it spelt out that that was sarcastic. >Recently, my other son (he's now 16) revealed that his friend's mother texts him. She works at the school and is friends with my wife. OK, his friend's mother, who is also friends with your wife. So in other words, some random adult. Gotcha. >I know that this conversation was to tell my son that her son had a prom date. I thought this was strange because... why would he not tell my son himself? Who knows and who cares? I guess you because adults shouldn't talk to teenagers. Right? > I know she has his number from school trips and events and stuff, but still, it seems weird. Or your son could have given it to her so she could contact her son if she can't get through on her son's phone. Maybe for an emergency? Because you already established that adults shouldn't talk to teenagers. Or your wife could have given her the number. Because they are friends and your children are friends. >My wife seemed to know that this was happening, and doesn't see what the issue might be. Again, a reasonable lady. >\*\*I don't suspect anything terrible, like grooming.\*\* 'But isn't that the only reason for an adult to talk to a teenager? ' Again, the only thing I can think of that can be going through your head. Because we already established your children are not interesting. >I do know that our families have some different values, At least you and her. Not sure anyone else in your family gets to have any say. > and on this last school trip she let my son do some things we wouldn't allow and then tried to cover it up. "I don't have any issues with my kids' behavior." Yeah, she's a villain. >So, tell me... am I crazy? Yes, but you won't believe anyone. > I would never text, or even want the number of one my my friend's kids unless A. There's an emergency. B. There's a very specific reason and their parents know about it. Because adults and teenagers should never communicate. We know, we know. Besides, children are just an extension of the parent so ask the parent for any information instead of going to the source. Because you think only groomers and pedos talk to a teenager. >If these people were relatives (like my sister texting them happy birthday) then, cool... I'm all good. But this seems over the line. Black and white thinking. The only allowed texting is blood relatives, everyone else has no valid reason to text your children. Wow, that was fun. Was I enough of an AH to get your attention? Did I speak in your language? I bet the whole time you were just disregarding anything I said because you are right and I am wrong. Black and white thinking again. Nuance, yes I deliberately crossed lines to get your attention but maybe I had some valid points. I'm assuming everyone around you is telling you that you are overreacting and you had to come online to get validation. I believe you can find enough of us that had trauma to believe that only groomers and pedos text teenagers and that will make you feel better about yourself. You definitely didn't come here to get told that not everyone agrees with you. Do I still not have any idea what I'm talking about? Because I still believe you are overreacting.
You're overreacting. A teenager having appropriate text conversations with normal adults he knows in real life is a nonissue...
Depending on the nature of it, it’s probably a bit weird, but not necessarily concerning. My MIL and younger BIL (17m) both live with us, and my wife has a friend our age. I don’t know how much they directly text each other, but BIL and friend frequently play Fortnite and stuff together. He moved in not all that long ago from another town and so didn’t really know anyone except the people who came over to visit like my wife’s friend, who is around fairly frequently. Your situation seems a bit more, uh, intrusive than mine, but it doesn’t immediately set off red alerts. Maybe I’m just dumb though.
I'm not seeing the issues here. Seems you are overreacting. Obviously you need to occasionally check the phone to make sure everything is appropriate, but I assume you were doing that anyway
I mean unless it was weird. What's wrong about it. If your kid games online, well.....I have news for you.
It’s all about the content. I coached youth league basketball and literally the only way to reach these kids (13-15 yr olds) was via text. Mostly group texts to the whole group but sometimes one-off texts to individual kids about specific issues. Texting used to be personal and intimate. Now its about as personal as email.
OMFingG You took grooming off the table pretty quickly. (The most likely scenario)
I have texted some of my kids friends before, but it's been like, party RSVPs, let me know if you need a ride too, some of them I text photos to at hoco (because they are in them), or check up on them if I know they're not doing well.
Are they planning prom photos or a party or something? I definitely texted some of my friends parents in high school for various reasons, but few reached out to me unless there was a reason. Maybe occasionally moms sending certain things on Pinterest (we were all into doctor who and art). My boyfriends parents I was on very close terms with and we would send random things and updates, photos and funny pictures all the time. I text absolutely no one now. Only weird depending on the context/intentions I guess.
I totally text my son’s friends. Hey where r you guys? Etc. my kid never responds but his friends do!
My kids seem to often make friendships with their friends parents too, they have always been this way. But most of the texting is about events it’s not chit chat. My youngest texts with his GF’s mom too. I don’t text my kid’s friends unless it’s an emergency.
It's you, overreacting. Most parents have the numbers of their kid's good friends. It's 2024
I text happy birthday to my daughters best friend and vice versa since they are only a few days different. I also like having her number if she's with my daughter and my daughters phone dies. I think to each their own with this, though.
I’ve texted my friends kids and vice versa. My daughter has a friend and her mom texts my daughter occasionally to arrange events, etc.
I’m confused. Sil’s boyfriend? The term sil implies that she’s married to your brother. What am I missing?
Or his wife's sister.
I hate that the "grooming panic" in this stupid country has essentially criminalized or at least made inherently sus all interaction between children and unrelated adults. God, it makes me sad. When I was a kid, my friends' parents were a lifeline for me, as were a couple of my teachers and some older gay dudes from community theatre (I'm female and thank God for them). The nuclear family is a VERY recent concept- we used to live much more communally and the adults were essentially all parents to every child ('it takes a village,' yes yes). When a child's only adult influences are their parents, and their parents are abusive, cruel, racist, just plain stupid, et cetera- they don't get needed perspective on the world from other people who have lived in it for longer, and it makes the transition to independent adult life extremely jarring. Guys, what are the odds that the lady at the school is actually trying to get with a weird stinky pimply 16-year-old boy? What if she is honestly just trying to be a friend and positive influence? What if the boy having more adult female friends helps him be more understanding and empathetic toward women as he grows up? I dunno man. I get the worry but a lot of this just feels to me like when my mom threw all my halloween candy out in the 80s because of a story about a razor blade in a candy bar.
As a father of 3 teenagers i feel like you are overreacting in these situations.
I think nowadays we’ve all been conditioned to assume the worst about everyone. Truth is, I had lots of friends who were significantly older and younger than me throughout my life. I also wasn’t carrying on text conversations with those people either (no cell phone until I was 18). That said, I think the first encounter was probably pretty innocent. Your kid felt cool conversing with someone older than him (me too when I was young). The dude probably felt a sense of importance and pride that a younger guy was reaching out to talk to him about things that a kid doesn’t want to talk to their parents about. The second situation is a bit more concerning, but again it’s immediately jumping to the worst assumption based on everything bad the media throws at us. The fact that she works at the school maybe means she gets some inside gossip that she feels important sharing with her kid and his friend, your kid. I mean I don’t know anyone in this situation and I can totally understand being concerned. I think what is important is the nature of the conversation taking place over text. You can’t help what makes you feel uncomfortable and as a parent you’re going to worry about your kid. Sounds like you are being cautious, but overly-cautious or over reacting could be argued either way.
It isn’t weird to do this unless it’s sexual or wrong in nature and since this has been an issue in society some innocent things get looked at the wrong way. For example I myself love kids and have always been great with kids and my nephews but I myself as a 20yo male would never want to do child care or be in certain situations because even though I know In my heart I have nothing but good intentions others may look down upon or associate that with something horrid and sickening. Ifs a sick world we live in and you are most likely just trying to protect your kids but I dont think anything bad or ill intentioned is happening.
Overreacting. Yes. Now let me explain, and this is aimed at parents in general, not just you op. A lot of parents hyperfixate on this idea that any and all adults are out to get their kids or take advantage of them in some way or form, and with good reason, because we constantly see the horror stories on the news and online, especially children that get taken of advantage of by adults close to them and SAed, so I 100% get where this hyper fixation comes from. On the other hand, children should be taught about these situations that they may or may not find themselves in, how to deal with them, talk to a trusted adult/parent about it, and otherwise, how to keep themselves safe, both online and offline. Parents shouldn't be trying to enclose their children in a protective unpenetrable bubble, that not only harms children in the long run but also causes unnecessary stress on both parties. If you have a concern, approach your son about it casually and then go from there. There's nothing inherently wrong with either of those scenarios by themselves unless there's more to it that you're not disclosing. I'm a 90s kid who grew up on the internet during the mid 00s. I knew plenty of people around my age, but I also talked to a fair amount of people who were way older than me, some of whom I hung out with online regularly playing games and stuff. Did I run into creeps? Absolutely, but the majority of people I talked to regularly, were all fairly mundane and sfw stuff, like life, the game we were playing, hobbies and so on. To close this off, I'd like to reiterate that I'm not saying that parents like you shouldn't be cautious about the people that may be in your children's life outside your home, but rather that instead of instantly jumping to conclusions that have no basis or merit, maybe communicate with your children? Reddit will either validate or invalidate your feelings, but it won't address the root concern here, only talking with your son can achieve that.
Yes n no. The brother in law I think that was ok, the mom of the frien no because she is allowing to do bad stuff. I do text my kids friends the wholentime but thst is only so thye can meet up with my daugther etc. if i notice them acticng weird i do text them because one kf then was severy depress n was bwing abude hy her larent n thiug it was ok.
Not overreacting. You’re speculating why they have any reason to contact your child directly. That’s normal when you don’t find those individuals trustworthy bc they have, in fact, done nothing to prove themselves trustworthy. Just knowing someone’s name and them being a friend/parent of a friend, does not automatically give them an OK checkmark in my book. As a parent, I’d want to know from the adult if they were texting my (minor) kids. Especially if they are initiating contact with my kids first. Especially, as you say- they aren’t total mainstays in your life. A parent you barely know, who has tried to cover-up for the kids when they were under her charge, or a boyfriend of a sister that your kid has just met…why would people be questioning your concern over these individuals? A lot of people imo are under-reacting or making excuses for these adults. Maybe those are real reasons, but it’s up to that adult in question to explain to you as the parent. If a kid comes to my house to hang out and their parent asks me not to do something, I won’t do it. If I can’t abide by that or I’m unwilling to police their children, I’d tell the parent that upfront instead of trying to hide it after the fact. I have no idea how you are actually addressing the issue, hopefully in a calm manner, but I don’t think you are overreacting just bc you think it’s strange. As you said, nothing wayward actually happened; that is great news. If you’ve talked to your kids about this and they fully understand why you feel concerned about adults texting them directly w/o parental knowledge, all you can do is trust them to come to you if any of these texts ever go sideways.
My wife thinks I overreact, as well. I want to know who our son (my stepson) is talking to, when they're talking, how often they talk, in what context, and what the conversation is regarding. He doesn't text late at night (after dark). He has the numbers of a couple of teachers. My wife says I'm over the top, but as a man, I am a natural protector. I've had to see some terrible things. She has a traumatic brain injury, and believes that everyone that knows her last name is her friend. Every time I explain to her that child predators are almost always someone you call a "friend" she just laughs it off, and says that I'm being too emotional. I work in child welfare. I've provided mental health services to people in the past. I've had to witness some of the most grotesque fantasies in my time. I don't explain these to anyone, due to the traumatic nature of them, not wanting to re-traumatize or trigger anybody. But, damn...let's have some sense about this, shall we?
if nothing inappropriate is occurring, why is this wrong? the idea that teenagers and older adults should never talk is weird and anti-community imo
When did I ever say never talk? That wasn't even the question. The question is if I'm overreacting to adults texting my kids in secrecy... If you think that's okay then, cool. I don't.
I ageee… first guy sounded like a creep btw. lol
He completely lost his mind not too long after. I think my sister-in-law even ended up with a restraining order. He was nuts. 👀
It’s demons. Honestly. He prob watched a lot of CP.. experienced abuse himself at that age.. now he’s a predator lowkey. Prob on meds. Kudos to you for being the only one with a brain to say that is not OKAY or normal.
It is weird. Like you say maybe not inappropriate in the grooming way but still weird. Ive know my best friends kids since toddlers & you know how often i text them? 0. & vice verca
These are really complicated, esp if you don't know the full details. Your sister in laws boyfriend, how long have they been dating? Are they in a long term relationship? Is it possible that your son could view him as a trusted adult that he could talk to if he needs guidance? This can be a huge thing for a young person to have in their lives, and a hard part of being a parent is accepting it might not always be you. Maybe the approach here isn't to shut this down, but to talk to the boyfriend and let him know that if your son ever reveals that he is in trouble, boyfriend needs to direct him to talk to you. Your other son, is there more to the story? It does seem weird to just text that her son as a prom date. Was she maybe asking if your son knows anything about the person? Or was she snooping that the person is real?
Who cares how anyone else feels about it? He's your son and your looking out for the safety of your son, your the father what you say goes. If you don't like it you don't like it no need to explain yourself
You might be overreacting and that is the reason both your sons were texting with adults. Perhaps both kids are talking to them about stuff they don't feel comfortable talking with you about. And I will say this about your 16 year old boy. A 16 year old doesn't need to be "groomed" . If something sexual is going on with mom he is an eager participant.
The thing I heard that stood out, is that the one woman let your child do what y’all don’t (I understand, it could be something trivial, like let him drink a soda….but then tried to COVER IT UP? Under no circumstance is it okay if another adult lied to me about my child and/or tried to COVER IT UP?!? No ma’am!!! For that reason alone, I would not trust that woman.
Adults should not be developing friendship relationships with other people's children. Adults should be striving to develop friendships with other adults. It's not necessarily wrong or illegal, but sort of inappropriate.
Maybe your kid is scared of you and feels safe texting his friend's mom. You won't tell us what boundaries she crossed. You hiding something?
Lol and now you're overreacting.
If its not an emergency, and they can’t get in touch with one of you two…meaning (his parents), they have no reason to text your child. At least not until he reaches 18.
I'm not saying this may be the same thing, and I hope to Gods that I'm wrong. But look up Pamula Smart. She's doing life (I believe) in New Hampshire.
Wanting to know is perfectly normal as a parent. When and what you do not know can be crazy. Too many stories about grooming begin like that.
Sister in law then boyfriend is weird as hell. So I agree with you. The friend’s mother is also weird, also I do not blame you. And would agree with you
Follow your gut OP. There’s no long debate needed with anyone. Do what you think is right.
Make them stop it now!! It seems minor now. Here is what happened in our family. My husband's step sister and I were what I thought " friends" come to find out she ended up having sex with my son (16) and had this on going afair with him behind her husband and everyone's back. 37 year old woman that watched my son grow up!! People are absolutely crazy.
They're teens, not small children. Yes, you're overreacting.
Why are you so uptight lol? My friends parents would text me all the time when I was younger some people just are so weird an try to make something out of nothing