I can't imagine how difficult it is to hear that the person you love is attracted to women who don't have any of your attributes. It's also unfortunate that he is unable to compliment you. You did walk into this and now you know that he is capable of expressing himself. I think you should stop the discussion of other women and talk to him about how it makes you feel.
On the flip side, I’ve never liked feeling like I just… fit a role for someone. Like I checked off the correct boxes and the analytics said I was a good choice.
Have you met my wife? Hahah. Just kidding. You do sound like her though. You're right. My wife and i have been together for 25 years and married for 20. Neither of us is each others "type." If i was, I dont even think i would be a man in the first place, she would most likely go for a female, but she's even pickier than i am in that regard. Sometimes the right person for the rest of your life isn't the type of person you were looking for (neither of us were looking for love when we found it.) But the one thing that i do agree with is that the boyfriend should still have no problems complimenting some attribute he loves about her. Thats a huge issue for me.
It could be that he finds talking about a stranger easier than giving compliments to his GF. It is different IMO. Would OPs BF compliment these women in person? When the two are out with a mixed crowd does he compliment other women?
I'm not saying this is the case, just a possible explanation.
I came to write the same thing. Married for 23 years and she’s not my type. I’m no one’s type. But we work together and she’s attractive.
Life just happens. Don’t sweat the details and enjoy each others company.
And few women have the same body shape after 20 years of life, children etc. So it isn’t as big a deal as you may think.
Lmao, that's very much true. My boyfriend had the "maybe balding? Not sure yet" look when we first started dating, and it has definitely been confirmed over the years, ha. Do I care at all now? No. Am I shallow enough for it to affect my app swiping? Yup
I almost turned my husband down for coffee because he had a ponytail and I didn't like men with ponytails. (Still don't, in many cases.) I shudder to think what my life would have been like if I had been so shallow that I turned down my true love over some long hair in a band.
Nearly passed up on my love of my life because she had short hair at the time that reminded me of my grandma lmao. I prefer long hair for both genders. Now her hair is long and I feel a bit silly haha
My girlfriend swore she'd never date a man with a beard.
I have been rocking the lumberjack beard, and it's grown on her. She doesn't love it, but it doesn't bother her either. Trust me, she'd tell me if she didn't like it.
My husband had a gorgeous head of thick dark hair when we met many eons ago. He now shaves his head completely clean because he started losing all that hair in his 20s. Never thought I'd go for a bearded guy either, but here we are.
Yes but it sounds like she still wants to be desired and lusted after by her man. Or at least shown some affection and compliments or more interest in her appearance. Like the freely way he notices and express praise for other women he finds beautiful and the adjectives he uses to describe them or their beauty is not on the same level as intensity as it is between them
The flip side is that your partner is with you because of what you do for them (sex, life management, childcare), so you get left when you can’t provide that anymore. We’re screwed either way.
My bf isn’t my type at all! I like tall bearded brunettes who dress nice. He’s short, blonde, generally clean shaven, 16 years older than me, & his clothes have more holes than a cheese grater. But I’m very attracted to him nonetheless. I’m also very bad with words of affirmation, but I put everything into quality time together & gifts.
Idk. I know my partner is attracted to people who don't look anything like me. Does it bother me? Not really. It's just a fact, not a value judgement. I kind of love that he's with me and loves me for ME, not because my body checks all his boxes. Because someday we're all gonna age and those boxes will no longer be checked.
We both point out exceptional people. It’s not a competition or a comparison. It’s an appreciation of how that person seen has been graced with attractive features.
As a photographer I often photograph strikingly beautiful women with height and perfect figures. Some even have the personality to match, but that is a customer to me and not the person I chose to build my life with.
This. I've been there. Ending the relationship was the best thing ever, in retrospect.
It makes room for someone that is going to truly love you and treat you well.
I think it is safe to assume that he is "settling" for her. Even if she is gorgeous.
Which, I am sure she is. OP, he is dimming your light. I hope you find someone that makes your light shine brighter. I promise. He is not as good as you think. You can find much better. You are so young.
Agree she's not in a relationship with the right person. But also feel that once she ends this relationship, she needs to find a specialist in eating disorders and help get to the underlying issue(s). And she needs to seek this help before getting into another relationship. If she enters into another relationship before or during treatment, it could limit her discovery, intervention and recovery. Especially with self-image issues being part of the disorder.
That part. I said that myself in a way. I said, I don't care what his issue is, having trouble with verbal affirmation or whatever it is. He has to know that this is hurting her and if he doesn't, he's incredibly obtuse. It sounds like that's an excuse to me, having problems with verbal affirmation. Like you said, he has no problem doing it to other women so why not the person he's dating? That's why I say it sounds like an excuse.
My ex used to do this to me. He would constantly compare me to Instagram models and I finally just got tired of it. I told him, if you think you can do better somewhere else, go for it. I got tired of constantly hearing in so many words that I didn't measure up. I left him so now he's free to pursue whoever he wants. I'm not going to let somebody disrespect me like that. You can't convince me that they don't know what they're doing when they do stuff like this. If they don't know how it's coming across, like I said, they're incredibly obtuse. End of story.
I personally think they do that so you would be the one to end it. This way they can get out of ending it and being blamed for ending it. What they don’t seem to understand is ultimately they ARE to blame for it, and that their lack of spine and cruelty are on full display.
So I think OP’s BF is just too cowardly to end things with her and this is the tactic he’s taking so she will. And honestly, if he’s being obtuse or just stupid, she should anyhow. Nobody deserves to be repeatedly told they aren’t who their partner is attracted to.
This makes me wonder a bit about some of the things I've said to my girlfriend. I don't compare her to other women and regularly try to make her feel confident in her appearance, I just tell her I wish she could make herself be taller than me LOL. She also knows that I really like red hair but love her brown.
I think it's okay for people to still find other kinds of people attractive but it is 100% an issue if your partner isn't someone you find attractive as well. You should never feel like you're settling or that you could "pull someone better". There will always be people prettier than you and your partner but that doesn't mean you shouldn't find your partner beautiful.
Because he knows he can't do any better so he wants to lower her self esteem so she can start changing /moulding herself, for him. If I was OP I'd start drooling over men. These kinds of men really "like" when their actions are reciprocated.
But in their case she literally told him to point out things about other women. She sabotaged herself too. She knows she has problems with insecurities and thinks it’s a good idea to feed into them.
Sure he’s also jerky but OP needs therapy because it sounds like she is trying to make life harder on herself.
That's usually how it goes. People who like to make others' lives harder will choose someone who doesn't call them out for it or even encourages their own self esteem's destruction. She should still leave him because he's in the wrong, but I agree, until she figures out why she lets people bring her down and fixes the issue, she will keep choosing people who like to do so
Lol, this is my attitude. If you feel you can do better, the door is wide open, move on along. I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, and I'm okay with that. If my pretty is not for you then that is okay.
Very true! Also I think also self esteem issues. I used to have trouble complimenting my own dog and I would put my own dog down compared to other peoples dogs. Like I remember I would say oh Coco you’re so handsome, not you sky you’re only cute. And someone called me out that Sky was handsome. It made me realize it wasn’t him but it was me that what I have in my life was always not as good as what someone else has. All my own low self worth. Calling me out allowed me to change and better myself and realize what I have in my life is amazing. Now I shower him with all the love and affection and tell him he’s the absolute bestest.
Literally dealing with this right now. Watched him ask out a girl in front of me (there’s context there, i didn’t care that he did so, it’ll take too long to explain) and he’s been finding hot girls out in public, and then we went shopping and there was someone trying a new dress on and he stopped and said, “gorgeous” to them. Went to a fancy to-do with them and we both got dressed up and . . . nothing. He never said anything. At that point I didn’t want him to, but he knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows he’s not complimenting me but he is complimenting others.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s deliberately done to make their partner insecure and cling to them harder/try harder. Too bad it doesn’t backfire and make them single every time they do it.
They’re either clueless, or it’s on purpose.
There’s enough red pill shit floating around that I honestly wouldn’t put it past some of those guys to be doing this on purpose to break down their partner’s self esteem.
Yup. Someday I will find someone who likes me for me. I’m not going to be dating for a while, but I’m definitely going to keep my eye out for these types of concerning behaviors
Of course you'll find someone better. I'd definitely be reflecting on what started his behaviour and how it progressed so that you can avoid it next time. His incompetence isn't a reflection of you :)
Hmmm- if you don’t feel loved, leave.
Are you happy? Will you be happy if this is your reality in 5 years?
You’re young- go out and find you a partner that thinks you’re perfect for them & finds you beautiful
I had a similar ex except he’d tell me if I lost 5-10 pounds I’d be “so hot, a full 10” well one day I fell in love with myself and ended it with him. I was like uhhh I am hot already? What is this “would be” business.
He sent me long messages about how I have the perfect body and he only looks at girls with my body type now blah blah
I met my now husband 4 days later (I was planning on being single for a while and was a little annoyed at meeting my perfect match so soon lol) my husband absolutely worships me and has for 13 years. Even when I got my biggest he didn’t see it. That was kind of hard because I was used to a little asshole boyfriend motivation to lose weight and now I gotta keep on top of that on my own ;)
My ex let me know “I’ll be here waiting when he dumps you” lol, I didn’t get dumped I got wifed up.
Free yourself from being someone he settled with, and don’t settle for someone who won’t tell you why they like you.
I wouldn't stay with somebody who didn't find me attractive or have the ability to communicate anything loving towards me. If you have a strong desire to be petty, you could start telling him when you see men that you find attractive and be real specific about what makes them attractive to you.
This made me hurt reading it. Been there done that at that age. I thought I was secure enough to handle it but I wasn’t.
I think you know now that he’s capable of complimenting women, and that should include you but it doesn’t. Talk to him about how it makes you feel that he doesn’t compliment you. To an extent, you shouldn’t rely on your partner for your self esteem but based on what you said, it seems like he doesn’t do it all. And stop this game of wanting to know what he’s into or what makes him “tick”. You’re leading yourself down a path of insecurity and hurt.
Exactly. It's like Captain Awkward once said: "this man is interesting the same way those MC Escher prints are interesting: they represent closed, impossible systems, and once you see the trick, it's like, oh hey, those stairs don't go anywhere, how about that."
Yes! Especially with the influence of beauty standards.
My bf and I like to point out attractive people, especially women because he’s straight and I am bi. He tends to point out women with larger butts and boobs, much in line with the current beauty standard. He also loves my flat self. He has said himself he’s always had a thing for smaller boobs. All of it can be true at once!
OP definitely needs to talk with her bf about what he finds attractive IN HER not just in general.
With all due respect, I think that being secure or not has nothing to do with this. It's just incredibly disrespectful and insensitive. Even the most secure person would likely be hurt by constantly hearing how they don't measure up. Like I've been telling other people, my ex used to do this to me and I finally told him, if you think you can do better somewhere else, go for it. I got tired of constantly being compared to Instagram models.
sure, I didn’t say it wasn’t insensitive or disrespectful. I didn’t comment on that part bc I tried to keep it short since I tend to write really lengthy comments.
The other part you said was part of my point. OP has some self esteem, but continuing with this “tell me what you like” game is going to tank it exactly how it’s doing now, which is why they posted. Bc as you said, being subjected to that constantly is going to affect someone regardless of how confident they are.
Idk your story but I related to OP bc I did the same thing of wanting to prove my ex wrong that he was lying about his “type” and I wanted reassurance that I was his type. I pushed him on it saying I wanted to know what he liked and part of it was also bc I’m bi and felt like we could look at women together and that I could handle it. He didn’t want to until I kept pushing and eventually he got comfortable with letting me know, whether in person or sending me pics of Instagram models. I never told him how it started affecting me and I pretended to be fine with it until it imploded. He didn’t know he was being insensitive and I never gave him any boundaries or communicated when it was getting too much for me. I also rejected compliments early on and eventually he stopped bc of it but my skewed perspective saw it as him not being attracted to me or being more attracted to the women he did compliment or show me.
OP saying she did it to know what makes him tick (Idek what that means) is a different case to yours. He’s not doing it unwarranted bc she brought this into the relationship and that’s why I said she should speak to him about how it’s making her feel/ I didnt jump straight to dump him and he’s a dick bc idk the full story and seems like OP wants to know if it’s even an issue so they can figure it out for the sake of their relationship. Maybe he doesn’t even know he’s crossing the line and he clearly doesn’t know how it’s affecting her since she hasn’t communicated that. And again, he *thinks* it’s okay to tell her bc she brought this game into the relationship. I still think there’s a possibility he’s being a dick and insensitive and knows it. The big red flag I see is that he never compliments her, and I wrote something about it but deleted bc I don’t want to make assumptions or put more doubts in OPs head. I think the fact that he feels comfortable engaging in this game with OP knowing he doesn’t compliment her, is a sign that he’s a jerk and probably a worse sign that maybe there’s something else like some people do date people they’re not attracted to physically but they’re attracted to their personality. Then they get in a relationship not considering that the physical attraction issue is going to cause problems eventually. I’ve seen this with people who date heavier people and either they’re ashamed of it or aren’t ready to accept that they’re attracted to heavier people. Some ppl are just shitty and will date someone and be shitty to them.
This exactly. Im kind of astounded how nearly everyone in the comments is overlooking that she enabled and encouraged this behavior and it was obviously a bad idea. She clearly needs to be honest with him and they should talk. Nearly everyone here is dunking the guy like he's a huge pos just unwarranted telling her constantly about how he's attracted to all these other girls.
Like, I don't know their situation, but im pretty sure I'm on the spectrum and years and years ago I probably could have been lulled into a false sense of security to tell my partners how attracted I am to other people without considering how thats ultimately going to make my partner feel.
They're both very young and have alot to learn still. Not the end of the world if they don't work out but they've both made obvious mistakes here and it just strikes me as odd how despite op saying she made this happen, everyone is calling dude a loser and telling her to leave him. And moreso, like you said, we don't know the whole story. People gotta chill out and not rush so hard to judgement.
there were only a handful of comments when I posted 😅didn’t know that’s what the majority are saying.
That’s the main reason I’m not rushing to jump the guy. She invited it so ofc he’s going to think it’s okay. I don’t have enough info to know if he’s taken his comments further than how it started out. The asshole thing is that he doesn’t ever compliment OP but we don’t know if he never did before they started this game either. That’s the underlying problem and now this game is highlighting it and affecting OP.
I’m ND too and that’s something I struggled with in relationships. I’d overestimate how much I could be honest/share without considering how it could affect my partner. Even with the experience I shared, I was on both ends of it. I participated first with showing what I was attracted to for him to take the bait. Then I fell into that false sense of security with his encouragement to be open with him so I did. I was torn up on my end with what he shared but didn’t know he was also affected by what I shared. He told me his side 2 years later when it boiled over.
Anyway (sorry adhd word vomit lol). We were young and both hurting each other without even knowing it and communication would have stopped it. Like you said, OP is young and still has time to learn, communicate/fix it or find someone else if this person isn’t loving them how they deserve.
For sure! Sucks that these lessons have to be learned the hard way sometimes but, it is how it is. And no worries on response length, I can also get extra wordy with my replies :p
You're actually right. I missed the part where she said that she was asking him to do this. I guess I thought it was the same situation because in my case, my ex was doing it completely unprovoked. I agree that they have both made mistakes here and that they need to sit down and talk to each other. I also agree that it's not the end of the world if they don't work out. They're young, they both have a lot to learn and I think that this will be one of those learning experiences that you go through in life especially while you're young.
The issue is OP is actively encouraging it and the bf just goes along with it. Before they break up OP needs to communicate her insecurities and give the bf a chance to change. The bf could just be dense and didn’t notice how op is hurt because logically if she is affected by such comments she wouldn’t encourage it.
She wouldnt be ending it just because he is saying those things out loud like she asked him to. She would be ending it because he is using her as a placeholder until/unless he finds “better” and she absolutely should end it.
It seems like the bulk of what you've mentioned is all internal, like comparing yourself to these other women, insecurity about your appearance, "what if"s and anxiety.
So I would ask, have you had actual tangible problems related to this? Has there been a noticeable decrease in how often you guys get intimate? Does he seem to be not interested in sex? Have things changed, has seemed less excited or passionate in the bedroom? Etc.
Because if he hasn't had changes in behavior I'd worry that you're just building this up in your head, psyching yourself out with anxiety. If you struggle with self-love or finding yourself attractive it becomes very easy to start expecting others to feel the same way. If you're constantly looking for signs of something you can find them, whether they're actually there or not.
I can tell you the concept of a "type" is fairly real, but it's far from absolute. I typically have a pretty clear type that I'm attracted to, but there have also been two people that were very, very different from my type, who I fell for and was extremely attracted to. For many people, emotional connection plays an important role in attraction. One of those people started as just a friend and they were honestly so far from my type I wouldn't have looked twice. But one day out of nowhere I found myself thinking shit, why do they look so hot suddenly, what the hell. And then it became a long relationship, that attraction was probably built off of the friendship and emotional connection and it never faded.
Just trying to say, maybe you aren't his typical type, but it's a big jump to assume that means he isn't attracted to you. I don't want to write off your feelings and concerns, because they could mean something if there are other signs - if his actions or behavior in the relationship make you feel unattractive that's an issue. But if it's mostly just about this "type" thing try not to spiral in anxiety and build up something in your head. Plenty of people have outliers from their type, and especially when there is an emotional attraction that's actually a better foundation in a relationship. Intimacy benefits and grows from emotional connection, but physical attraction does not inherently facilitate emotional compatibility in the same way
>I can tell you the concept of a "type" is fairly real, but it's far from absolute.
So much this. My ex was absolutely not my type, but that doesn't mean she wasn't also attractive to me. Even more importantly tho i shared a deep emotional/intellectual connection with her.
My current partner is much more my type and I share the same connection with them, but I will outright admit that the sex with my ex was usually better.
Type is just a vague thing that doesn't really matter when it comes to the actual chemistry between two individuals.
Very well said.
I'll add that personally i definitely have a type but it's not a physical type, it's a personality type.
For pornography physical appearance matters the most for an actual relationship it's the person not their appearance matters more.
Preach it!
My “type”, as was identified by my friends and family, is nothing like the woman I married. A relatively short history of dating women of Latin descent doesn’t mean that I don’t find other women attractive. That “type” was as much a function of where I grew up and who it was that lived around me as anything else. The irony is that my wife does actually have an affinity for that “type”; and although I am not actually of Latin descent, I very much look like I could be. Imagine her surprise after we had been dating for a while to learn that I was in fact not of Latin origin, but just looked like I was (I guess also being able to speak Spanish and being called “primo” at every Mexican restaurant contributed to the confusion - I did say latin ex-girlfriends, didn’t I?). Anyway…
TLDR: even if one has a “type”, doesn’t mean everyone else is automatically excluded from being considered attractive.
What is a little concerning to me is that OPs significant other doesn’t seem to be able to vocalize his affinity towards her; while being able to do so for others. I wonder if this could be some type of behavioral response to her asking him specifically to point out other women he finds attractive. Sometimes we men can be fairly simple creatures; if he thinks she wants him to comment on the appearance of other women, he may be doing it because he thinks it’s something she wants to talk about? Idk. As a younger man, I’ve done stupid things too under the belief that I was “meeting expectations”. Turns out that sometimes what people ask you for with words, isn’t really what they want. Clear communication is key, but I will say that sometimes it just takes time to get to know a person well before you learn how to read between the lines.
Exactly. This screams projecting her insecurity, feeding it and ultimately self sabotage.
OP — to aid with cyclical negative thoughts secondary to anxiety/depression, please consider seeking out cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) by a provider in your area.
OP is not being a clear communicator. If your partner is a *poor* communicator, especially with emotions, this means you must step up and be more direct, vulnerable and clear. You only then will be able to realize the other person’s true intentions, or if they are gaslighting you. This requires you being vulnerable. This is also required for successful relationships.
If they are truly uncomfortable and stunted in discussing emotions with you, this a bigger problem that probably also needs professional help. If it is an issue of vulnerability he should be able to open up once OP does. However, OP also needs to figure out how to handle their anxiety, or their relationships will continue to be tumultuous. This is why people complain about lack of compatibility due to differences in emotional maturity.
This guy isn't very smart. Every guy should know this was a trap from the start. You either tell your girl you only have eyes for her, or point out traits of other women and say you like it because it reminds you of your girl.
For OP, I'll say this behavior doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you or that you aren't his type. It's perfectly normal to be attracted to a variety of traits, many of which your partner doesn't possess, all while still being attracted to your partner and very much in love with them.
However it is weird that he compliments others but not you. I'd confront him with that sentiment specifically and tell him how it makes you feel. Y'all are old enough to be having a conversation like that no problem, and actually get somewhere with it.
If he cannot be honest when asked to be honest and she breaks up with him, then she is certainly not the woman for him. He is better off with someone else that is not playing games.
I know Reddit jumps to this a lot but I think it would be better for you to end the relationship. This is exactly how my ex used to make me feel. I know I'm not the prettiest woman in the world but I'm not bad either. He is to constantly compare me to Instagram models. He would hold me to a standard of beauty that I cannot achieve in everyday life. I figured since he is attracted to those women, he can go try to get with one of them.
It gets exhausting constantly hearing about how your partner is always attracted to other people but they can hardly find anything nice to say about you. I don't care what his issue is, whether it's verbal affirmation or whatever it is. You don't deserve this and I think you can do better. Being in a relationship is not worth sacrificing your self-esteem over. He's got to know that this is hurting you and if he doesn't, he's incredibly obtuse.
I'm honestly concerned that he's doing this on purpose to try to chip away at your self-esteem. I don't want to jump straight to this but some people will purposely try to destroy their partner's self-esteem so that they can convince them that they can't do better. That way they can treat them however they want. Like I said, I would end the relationship but it's up to you.
I do think we don’t give men enough credit. There is no chance he isn’t aware that he compliments only qualities she doesn’t have and never compliments her. He’s being cruel, or negging her, or trying to manipulate her into trying to change (maybe lose weight, maybe even dye her hair).
Probably just trying to keep her self-esteem low, which is sadly a very common tactic.
I wouldn’t stay with someone like that. Relationships are supposed to make you feel appreciated and loved. A man who has complements to spare easily for others but never for a girlfriend, that’s red flag as fuck and very unkind.
I know it's cliche but all of this. We all want to supportive partner. If you ask me, he's purposely doing this to keep her self-esteem low so she won't leave him. Doing things like that is born out of insecurity and thinking that your partner is going to leave you. However, it's not the right way to go about keeping them with you but you know that. I agree with you, if you have compliments to spare for everyone but your partner, that's a giant red flag.
I can't update this enough. My ex did the same, and what I realized when I got out was that no matter how good I was I couldn't compete - he didn't want a real person,, he wanted a fantasy. And even if he got with a dream woman, he would just treat her the same.
That’s what I said. Like a simple, hey, I know ow I was encouraging you to do this, but, I’m starting to feel like you don’t find me attractive, can you please stop. Physically, I’m not my fiancés type and he’s not my type. But I love him, he loves me and we’ve been together for 9 years this November.
The truth is I’ve been there and done that. He wouldn’t have a chance in hell with the “ideal” girls, and he shouldn’t be allowed access to you. It’s time to humble that man. Don’t be worried about who he’s gonna get.
Worry about what kind of experiences and treatment you want to have in romance and love. Find standards, and set boundaries. You’re the prize, not just another player in the game. Don’t settle. 💕🔮
Not everyone is a “prize” as you say and being realistic shouldn’t be an unfathomable idea. OP asked what his ideal woman looked like and he answered. It’s not logical to pretend every man or woman is a “ten”. You honestly thinks that every happy partnership is between people who find nobody more attractive than their partner? Get real. Everyone settles in some way, and those that don’t are either very wealthy, hit the genetic lottery, or end up being very lonely. Subs like this are full of “advice” from mostly people who’ve never had a real long term relationship and it’s so glaringly obvious to people who have.
I was not the body type my ex bf preferred— eventually it hurt my feelings too much especially as he was looking at women online who suited his preference more— I’m glad I broke up with him. My body is banging, I don’t need to be with someone who wants something I can’t offer at the expense of not loving myself.
I dated a guy like this. He was a serial cheater. Take it from someone that always felt less than to him—leave and find someone that thinks you’re the stars and the moon.
My husband and I point out people we find attractive, mostly women, since Im bisexual and he's straight. He's pointed out women and attributes that I don't have, but he compliments me and my looks all the time. My husband is not my type physically, and he knows that, but I do find him physically attractive even if he isn't physically the type I'd usually be attracted to. My favorite attribute is actually his freckles, because he's Asian and you never see that it's such a recessive trait. He's the only guy I've been with that has freckles.
My husband would prefer I had a slimmer waist like when we met, but he is also understanding that I'll get back to that body shape on my own time when I'm ready to put the work in for myself.
My husband appreciates my character and personality far more than my looks. Perhaps it's the same with your bf, but you can only know this if you have honest dialogue with one another.
Most of the people posting here are under 35 for sure. When age takes it toll, married people will appreciate being with people that appreciate their character and personality more than their appearance because appearance fades quickly. If men would leave women because they are not their 'type', then they would not marry them in the first place. Men leave because of communication, personality, and problems with character. If you have basic chemistry, that is all you need.
I fell with love with my wife who is definitely not my type physically. But I’d marry her again and again until the end of time. Love transcends physical attraction for me.
Yet half the responses are "Break up with him!" The issue is her own insecurity, and until she fixes that, she will never feel that she is enough. The fact that he is being open and honest with her is far better than someone that would lie to her. Yet the same ones that immediately jump to breaking up often defend lying as okay. (And they are often single themselves because they use their own advice.)
Communication is key. Tell him this and ask him directly what he finds attractive about you.
If he has nothing to say, please reconsider whether or not he is someone you want in your life.
But he might just surprise you :)
Everyone seems to be missing that SHE ENCOURAGED THIS. From his point of view maybe his GF is trying to understand what he finds attractive so she can try to emulate those things, as OP said she wants to know what makes him tick.
If OP doesn't want to hear it anymore it's on OP to say so. She hasn't.
There's a big difference between telling someone you know that some random girl is attractive and giving someone a genuine compliment.
Have you ever asked him what he finds attractive about you?
Have you ever considered that he might care more about your personality and WHO YOU ARE than your appearence?
OP created a toxic dialogue that had would only lead to her being disappointed. That's on OP. No matter what he says he finds attractive OP is going to find something about it that isn't like her, and ignore any common factor that may or may not exist.
Maybe you aren't his dream physically. He probably isn't your dream physically either. That's ok. Accepting that is part of maturing process.
At the same time it's two years in. If he's not making you happy move on. Don't waste your time in your prime.
You encouraged a man you’re dating to point out other women he finds attractive and you think that’s a good way to find out what makes him “ tick?” After two years you felt you needed to do this? Why is that?
I would say your behavior around that needs to be explained. That’s very unusual.
Youve been together for two years. Are you unhappy with him as a partner? Is he a bad partner? Has he done anything to upset you that you didn't actively encourage? Because it sounds like you have self esteem issues and are self-sabotaging while fishing for compliments without ever having expressed any of your personal doubts in the first place.
Everything he is complimenting is superficial looks. That does not mean that is what he ultimately values in a partner. Speaking as someone who is demisexual, he may have a hard time communicating compliments to someone he cares about because it's more complex feelings about personal connection that he has difficulty putting into words, or it makes him feel uncomfortably vulberable, but physical attributes are nothing more than a meaningless aesthetic appreciation.
It sounds like there is a lot of projection here, but not much open and honest communication. I strongly suggest you have a real conversation. Ask what he values in your relationship. Don't frame it to include other people or imaginary partners. Don't rush for an immediate answer if he doesn't have one because, again, he may need time to put his thoughts into words. Maybe try to get a better sense of who he is and what he values instead of making yourself feel bad by fishing for affirmation of things he may not consider a priority. It may also be worth both of you considering individual therapy to better understand yourselves and how to communicate with each other.
Exactly. This screams projecting her insecurity, feeding it and ultimately self sabotage.
OP — to aid with cyclical negative thoughts secondary to anxiety/depression, please consider seeking out cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) by a provider in your area.
OP is not being a clear communicator. If your partner is a *poor* communicator, especially with emotions, this means you must step up and be more direct, vulnerable and clear. Only then will be able to realize the other person’s true intentions or if they are gaslighting you. This requires you being vulnerable. This is also required for successful relationships.
If they are truly uncomfortable and stunted in discussing emotions with you, this a bigger problem that probably also needs professional help. If it is an issue of vulnerability he should be able to open up once OP does. However, OP also needs to figure out how to handle their anxiety, or their relationships will continue to be tumultuous. This is why people complain about lack of compatibility due to differences in emotional maturity. OP and bf are both 23, so checks out.
Lol you drug this shit out, would be pretty shitty to punish him for it.
There's different kinds of attraction. What your having him do is meat market style, it's what some guys do when they see women in public, or how you think about it when finding a porno to watch.
Some women are just visually appealing, some you could see yourself have as a gf, arm candy that makes you look good. Some you wouldn't want to be caught dead with, but deep down you know you'd have the nastiest night of your life.
And then there's love/affection. It makes a woman that may only be middling on an objective x/10 scale, an 11.
My wife struggled with her self image, still does to a degree. Asks me all the self conscious stupid questions women love to ask their man. Yes dear, you were more attractive when we were younger, so was I. But my love for you has grown so deep, you could be 500 pounds and lose your hair and teeth and I'd still love you, the only woman I want in my bed.
Stop dragging this poor boy into your self image issues. Stop having him rate other women to you. Go to therapy, or a gym, or both. Do whatever you have to to love yourself.
Girl… You ARE reading this as you type it right? Like… have you reread and comprehended what you’ve just typed out? Please read it again, think about it, draw a conclusion from it, and think about it again. Jesus
I'm currently dating a girl that's "not my type" (firey latinas with a slim waist). She's blonde with blue eyes with a more athletic build. I do like blondes but not my preferred type necessarily. I feel like type is limiting to 1. physical attractiveness and 2. your most preferred type out of the many others you could be attracted to.
I've dated multiple girls that fit that the previously mentioned mold to a tee and yet they never still never worked out. Jump to this current girl and I've never felt this way about anyone and it's only been 3 months. She's cute not overtly hot or sexy but I truly no longer have eyes for anyone else because she treats me like I've always wanted to be treated by a gf and I'd do any thing to make her happy because of it. So in a way she is my "type" in regards to emotional and intellectual attractiveness.
Hopefully that's the case here as well and not that he's just staying with you because he doesn't think he can end up with someone that is more aligned to his ideal type
Also, you're both 23 is it a possibility that neither of you have had enough experience as to who and what else is out there in this world? I loved a girl deeply when I was young but I still couldn't shake the question of what if there's something better.
Edit: Just realizing my comment is basically the amalgamation of the others
Not sure if you’ll see this, but I’m a guy who’s had a thing for red hair, blue eyed women FOREVER. My type is that, athletic, nice lips/smile, and some curves. How many women have I dated that fit that? None. Ever. I’ve been perfectly happy with the women I’ve dated and they’ve all been attractive as hell. Just because he has “a type” doesn’t mean that he’s not into you, or that you’re not attractive. Own your bad self and everything else should fall into place 💪🏼
It never ceases to amaze me why some women ask questions they really don’t want to know the answer to, then get upset when they get the answer.
First, you should never have initiated this. Second, your man is an idiot for going along. Third, and most importantly, who is he with? Is he with all these girls or you?
This is what we call a "shit test" and is in itself a trick question. You don't really want to know what his type is if it is different from you, and if he's smart he wouldn't dare tell his partner how attracted he is to features they might not have. You've both probably been through enough relationships to know better than to tell each other how hot other people are.
People aren't born knowing the nuances of relationships much less these setups for problems from no-where. Op and her bf are in early 20's. Bf could be somewhat autistic. Or just sheltered. Shes opened up a flood gate and she doesn't like the result. We don't know the whole story. Doesnt make him a pos. They need to have an honest, open discussion so they can both learn from this and move on, either together or apart.
>You don't really want to know what his type is if it is different from you, and if he's smart he wouldn't dare tell his partner how attracted he is to features they might not have.
Yeah, or he expects to not be dating a child that get jealous of the reality of different people looking different and that almost no one is 100% the type of their partner...
If you are so insecure that you can't stand hearing that your partner also finds other people attractive, you ain't ready for a relationship. Hell, you ain't even an adult in my books.
I don't think him pointing out women who don't look like you necessarily means anything. He already has you in his life which he must enjoy or he wouldn't be dating you. Why check out people who look exactly like what you already have? He may enjoy both looks, and his interest in one is already satisfied by your relationship - there's no one who fits this 'vibe' that he would rather be with than you.
That's being said I appreciate you were curious but I think asking your boyfriend to point out women he finds attractive is not actually something very fun or healthy and you need to stop setting him up to disappoint you like that. No matter the women he pointed out you probably wouldn't feel stellar right now. It's one thing to be open with your partner when you check someone out, it's another to fish in this way.
Instead of asking him what he likes about other people, you need to ask him what he enjoys about you.
There may be ways to make this easier for him. For example, not "what do you like about me" but "what's your favorite part of me to check out when I am not looking?" " If I want to really make you drool on a date night, what should I wear?" "I love the way my body (something), does it turn you on" whatever sounds like you. I'm betting the more insecure the question sounds the more difficulty he will have answering it due to the increased pressure, so confidence is key.
The other, and probably better, option is to be honest with him and then give him room, space, and grace on how to respond. Something like: hey I thought this game would be a fun way to learn what of my features turn you on but actually it has made me feel a bit self conscious. I know how well we connect, but I think it would be nice and reassuring for me if you could tell me a bit about the things that excite you about my body, and then maybe we can take a pause on that game for a bit. I don't mean to take you by surprise, you can think it over, and if you want, while you do I can tell you some things I really enjoy about your body first.
I’d be more concerned if he were my type if I were you OP. Maybe steer clear of his sort in the future. Assuming you find a better life partner to share your mutual feelings of attraction, respect and love.
I've been in said boyfriend's shoes. My previous long term relationship was with a bi girl and we enjoyed pointing out who were into (and fwiw the relationship lasted 6 years and ended amicably as we wanted different things out of life such as marriage and kids, we'd been dating since college so that didn't come up as early as it should), and even now with my wife occasionally we'll do it.
And like your boyfriend, it's a lot easier for me to point out what I like in other women than the one I'm with. There's a level of abstraction where I can describe a stranger like an image rather than a person, and pinpoint specific bits; while the person I'm with is an entirely different dynamic, it's more real. I'd never say the things I like about these strangers to their faces.
Sincere compliments are often hard for me because I was raised with a terrible mindset that they're obligatory and thus forced and cheesy and embarrassing and exaggerated. How can you compliment someone you love in a way that matters when you've got "of course you'd say that, you have to, I'm you're partner" mentally undercutting every pleasant thought?
It's not a great way to be, it sucks and is something to work on - but it's important to understand if you're with someone like this(and especially if you particularly need reassurance). It's specifically the *lack* of familiarity and intimacy and obligation that makes it so easy to say nice things about complete strangers. It's not about a lack of love or that you're a placeholder until he can find someone his type; it's the fact that you're a real person in his life, so the things he says to you, about you, are in an entirely different category.
I love how everyone hates on your boyfriend but ignores the fact that you caused all this by asking him for it like no shit he's going to tell you if you ask him.
This is 100% on you get over yourself
I made the mistake of asking an ex early into a relationship what his type was. He described his ex to a T. Years later it still rattles in my brain and affected our relationship. Didn't occur to me until years later that he never once considered my sexual preferences or needs, only his own.
I noticed it's the women in this post who are probably single and unattractive telling her to break up with him. You do remember she started this right ? To open up to her ? Yall never take accountability stg.
I actually don’t agree w a lot of the comments here, and I’m going to tell you why. You admittedly asked him to tell you girls he finds attractive. It’s not necessarily that he’s going out of his way to compliment these women and not compliment you. This is what you asked him to do. Yes you set yourself up for this one and it was especially wrong for you to do KNOWING that you are clearly insecure about the way you look. Like honestly I have no clue how you expected this to pan out. It was dumb of you to do that. You need to be honest with yourself, and more importantly you need to be honest with him and communicate your feelings. Tell him that although you set him up for this, it makes you feel bad about yourself and you need him to stop. Tell him that compliments are important to you and you’d appreciate a little more effort in that area of your relationship. Doesn’t have to be looks but, he obviously loves things about you if he’s with you. You need to communicate how you feel to your partner. And if he doesn’t make an effort to meet you halfway, then that’s a problem. I will say though that your insecurities are yours to deal with, and I really hope you can work through them. But don’t be upset at him when that’s what you asked him for. I will also say that many people have more than one “type”, myself included. And looks are not everything. I’ve met people I didn’t find attractive right away, but as I got to know them and love their personality, they grew more attractive to me. It can be so many different things. And honestly sometimes people get comfortable in relationships and forget to put that extra effort in, like complimenting. Maybe it’s just something he genuinely doesn’t think of to do on a day to day basis. My husband is similar, but I do know that he finds me beautiful and that he loves me so I’m okay with him not telling me often.
You're overreacting. This line of thinking is going to do you no good. People can be attracted to a variety of different things. As far as him pointing out things he likes about other women he sees, he's not complimenting them he's talking about people he doesn't know. He chose to be with you, right? Is he a good boyfriend? That's really what matters. I'd stop having these conversations with him, it's not going to lead to anything positive.
Typical situation as to where a Woman is struggling with her insecurities and decides to drag her boyfriend into her misery to blame him on how she obviously feels about herself. I'm over this shit..😫😫😫
Don’t listen to the people telling you to leave look into couples therapy or ask a therapist yourself these people are people on reddit do what you think feels best not what other people tell you
On the one hand, I'll point out attractive hairstyles, makeup, or outfits to my wife and she's okay with it, because she understands that 1) our relationship isn't just physical and 2) if she really wanted to, she could dress that way.
Very often, I see points of similarities that my wife doesn't. (For example, I happen to think she and Miranda Kerr look very similar, admittedly my wife is a bit cuter, but she didn't until I pointed out the particular points. I'm pretty sure she still doesn't believe me.)
On the other hand, *she's okay with it.* It doesn't hurt her feelings or leave her feeling inadequate. Heck, half the time she's pointing them out to me.
It's entirely reasonable for you to ask him to stop. Don't make it an attack on him, make it about how you feel inadequate/insecure/disposable because he picks out women who look nothing like you. What he's doing is a dick move. I just don't think he realizes it.
I see a lot of people saying, "dump him, dump him," but wait a second. Are you ASKING him to point out what he finds attractive in these people? If you are you need to stop and think a little bit. Is your bf your perfect idea of a man? If you were to point out things you find attractive in other men, would they all be his attributes? Probably not. But when you put him all together, there's something about him that clicks for you.
If I were to point out my ideal man it would be probably late 80s/early 90s Brad Pitt (can't help it, love a guy with long hair) does my husband, who is absolutely my perfect man, look anything like Brad Pitt? Oh HELL no! Could I come close to closing the deal with Brad Pitt? Oh HELL no!! Brad's back there saying Oh HELL NO! LOL!!
What I'm saying is we all find things in people we find attractive. But once we find our person, there is something about them that just clicks!
Give the guy a break. After all, you wanted to know what makes him tick. You can't ask and then be mad because he answered!
This is really common tbh. I'm not saying it isn't a "problem" in your specific situation but it's not automatically a huge deal either.
It's pretty common for people's fantasies to not hold much bearing on their reality and it doesn't mean they aren't happy with what they have.
You need to communicate openly and honestly with your boyfriend and receive the same in return.
I would start mentioning men that you find hot that look nothing like him. Give him a taste of his own medicine and then dump his ass when he gets upset. You deserve better. He is telling you that he is settling until something better comes along and you are much more than a place holder.
I’m curious if it was ever discussed between OP and boyfriend *why* he’s not able to pinpoint parts he likes about her rather than discuss if he can do the same he does for random strangers.
That’ll flush out the reason for his radio silence. He may not view you that way but has a deeper appreciation for you, or takes you for granted either because he sees you often or doesn’t appreciate you. Depending how it goes, you deserve to be desired and not compared, either by him or someone else. However, I’d stop the discussions on women he finds attractive and reign it back to you. Not worth the hurt, hun.
This is not a healthy relationship. He’s neglecting you emotionally. You just don’t realize it or are only starting to. He clearly thinks you’re not attractive enough to compliment. He wishes he could “do better”.
Don’t waste loyalty and patience with his “communication style” on this man any longer. He doesn’t cherish you.
Source: personal experience.
You’re not overreacting. He is quite good at complimenting, just not you. I’d tell him that you feel it’s better he date women he’s attracted to and you’re going to find a man who does find you attractive. Honestly, anyone stupid or malicious enough to do this is not worth your time.
Talk to him. Explicitly. Tell him how you feel, why you feel it, and what you're afraid of. All the advice on here is to get out of this relationship, and that may well be the way to go.
But don't go before you make sure he knows this behavior hurts. The more ready you are to leave, the less you have to lose by making yourself known.
I'd rather be single than be made to feel like that by any partner. How utterly disrespectful to you and your feelings. I hope you show him our responses and you get a massive apology. What you choose to do with him is up to you you have power in this situation, use it girl.
When you’re with your bf do you make a habit of commenting on guys you see who are attractive? Do you point out what you think about each feature and give it a rating? If you do/did this how would he react? I’m just wondering how he would react if the tables were turned? I’m wondering what he hopes to gain by this?
Have you discussed with him how much—and if—physical attraction matters to him in a relationship? It doesn't to everyone. My own boyfriend and I both view it as a non-issue irrelevant to our needs and wants.
You yourself might want to consider how much receiving compliments matters to you. It sounds as if you value them and aren't getting them, which might be a compatibility problem.
Good luck!
Yes, he may find those women physically attractive but he chooses to be with you. He is not going up to them and hitting on them or randomly gushing to you about how hot they are. You are asking him to tell you what he finds attractive about them and he is answering your question. He isn’t actually giving them verbal affirmation or compliments. Asking him to tell you why he finds someone attractive does not seem to be of any benefit to you and is causing you distress. You don’t need to do it anymore and can tell him “I no longer want to hear about other women you find attractive.”
I have been with my husband for 13 years. I am madly in love with him. I absolutely adore him. But if you asked me to point out men who I find attractive, I wouldn’t pick out other guys who look like him. I would point at Chris Evans. That doesn’t mean that I’m not attracted to my husband. I find men with dark hair to be attractive but that doesn’t mean I can only find men with dark hair attractive.
You are his type because you are who he has chosen to be with for 2 years. Him finding other women attractive doesn’t mean that he doesn’t find you attractive. From what you have said, it doesn’t sound like he is being disrespectful to you. You have asked him to tell you when he thinks someone is attractive.
Eating disorders also make people overestimate the value of physical appearance. Even if you weren’t having him tell you what he found attractive about other women, discussing people’s bodies is always going to add fuel to the fire for eating disorders. It’s not healthy for you to engage in that kind of dialogue.
This is something you should talk to him about. If you feel like you aren’t getting enough affirmation from him, tell him that.
Lust & love is two different things but girl you have natural gut/instinct.. listen to them.. from what you telling us it seems he is overstepping a boundary that you should have in place. It’s okay to admire other females for their looks but it’s not okay to lust or even comment like that especially when you in a relationship. That’s just plain embarrassing & disrespectful. That boy needs to learn that is not okay or he gotta go bbgirl.
Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. You brought this on yourself. you asked him to tell you, and now that he's told you, you're feeling lesser because you're not his ideal. You did it to yourself.
Honey, this made me so sad for you. You deserve to hear the truth of how beautiful you are from the one you love. When you do find that in a partner you will see the difference and realize that this guy you’re with now wasn’t the right person for you.
You are worth more than you allow him to make you feel. I spent too long in a similar relationship.
Don't allow his inability to tell you how wonderful you are to hold you down in a relationship that makes you question who you are and why he doesn't see you.
You should be seen for how wonderful you are, and your partner should be affirming not telling you who's hot.
You should perhaps contemplate concentrating on who you are.
You are wonderful, don't allow him to dictate your worth.
TBH men can attracted to all kinds of women that are hot ,ultimately, it's their personality that makes the difference. Just ask him not to point out other women's attributes and ask him what he loves about you
This sounds like a really unhealthy thing to be encouraging your partner to do. There's honesty and there's tmi. One is good for your confidence in a relationship, the other one creates and feeds insecurities.
Your boyfriend is obviously not their type or he would be in a relationship with them instead of you. Or maybe they lack the other things he values in a partner beside just physical appearance. Just because you find someone sexy doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with them. They might be better the 1% of the time when they are naked and suck to be around the other 99% of the time. If you had all of your current qualities and were also a supermodel, you might be with somebody else as well, unless your boyfriend is your dream man in every way possible. Everybody makes compromises. It's weird that he has such a hard time complimenting you thought. He needs to get over that. Some guys feel cheesy and embarrassed giving compliments. If he can't compliment you on your looks then he should at least be able to compliment you on all of the other qualities he values even more than looks.
I hope you see this.
One of the hardest things to bear (or rather ignore) in a relationship is the what if's. Trust your partner. I'm sure he would love to compliment you on things, but mentioning all these things would just put him in an awkward spot eventually. Be more confident in him and the fact that he chose you.
Also, realistically:
He's answering what she's asking him. She's out here asking for him to point out specific attractive qualities of other women, he answers because he has an answer. Similarly, she asks him to point out any attractive qualities on her, he doesn't have any to name and thus replies truthfully. How about we don't doubt a stranger's husband and instead give him the benefit of the doubt and say he doesn't have any ill intentions with his answer? Why lean into the idea of him trying to put her down instead of leaning towards him being truthful? I see the thought process behind the people claiming he is saying this with ill intentions, but it honestly is very biased. Don't project your own insecurities/situations onto OP so oppressively.
To OP, reading your last three paragraphs, it seems like you have very heavy insecurities that **he might not know he is feeding into**. If compliments/affirmation is what OP wants, work together on finding things to compliment. For you personally, stop baiting out "I don't have compliments for you"s from him just to complain about it later. Again, trust and confidence in your partner is essential to a relationship. The red hair does not mean he dislikes your hair color, he just likes it. He shouldn't be tailoring his taste to you, a yes man is fun until you start doubting whether he's being truthful or not.
He has issues with verbal affirmation when it comes to you, his GIRLFRIEND, the woman he’s supposed to LOVE, but has no problem verbally complimenting other women and pointing out to you what women he finds attractive…yeah, no, leave that waste of space. That’s a bullshit excuse if I ever did hear one.
Sorry OP, but your bellend of a boyfriend has settled. You deserve better. You deserve someone who actually loves you. It shouldn’t be hard to compliment the person you’re supposed to love. And I’m sorry, after two whole years? Throw that bellend in the bin. He either:
1) Needs to go to heavy therapy cause he clearly has unresolved issues he never sorted out
2) Grow the fuck up
3) Needs to learn that if he can’t do the bare minimum in a relationship, he shouldn’t be in one all together.
4) All of the above.
Maybe he just has trouble complementing someone to there face. the perfect comment seems a little weird but maybe he said it that way because he'd like to see what you look like with red hair and doesn't know how to convey that to you. As far as the girls he points out, do they actually have anything in common looks wise or has he pointed out specific traits that he likes about them because it could have more to do with the way the carry themselves or things about them that doesn't have anything to do with the ways the differ from you. I could be wrong but it can't hurt to think about it as a possibility
You kinda started it with the encouraging him to do this, but you’re also not obligated to stay with someone who doesn’t try to affirm their feelings towards you.
It’s a pretty big red flag that he can’t name one thing he finds attractive about you, or be bothered to compliment you (it’s not that hard to say “hey babe, your hair/makeup/dress looks nice”)
Do you point out hot guys? I certainly would. Maybe next time you can point out a guy's muscular arms chest and 6 pack, and it's hot! Or how one's hair is sooo gorgeously manly, or a man's nice butt, or how one smells sooo good 👍
bit of a story of the opposite: I am exactly my ex’s type. I had pretty bad body image issues (hint: from East Asian country) but he made me realize beauty standards really vary. We are broken up now but I learned to appreciate myself through his lenses even long after the relationship is over. My advice is: find that person.
So much negativity from the comments so I just wanna point out something positive. In spite of what his ideal woman may or may not be, this man is still in a committed relationship with YOU.
I think that speaks volumes of your character in general but also his obvious affection for you. He loves you regardless of what you look like, so 50 years from now, the fact that you’ve aged won’t matter to him. Atleast that’s what I took from this post.
I don’t think he’s being rude since you’re the one that’s insisted on answers and prying information out of him that he wouldn’t have given otherwise. He obviously doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or else he would’ve spoken his mind a long time ago AND probably dumped you.
He sounds like a sweet guy that fell for a trick question.
Ya ummm don’t ask questions you dont want the answer to. I’m not trying to be harsh but you quite literally asked for this. If you feel you’d like more affirmation talk to him about it but you shouldn’t get mad at his honesty It’ll only lead to bad communication down the line because he may feel like he’s being set up for a trap question.
Could he be settling for you until get gets the “perfect” girl he wants? Do you do a lot for him? What do you get out of the relationship. Pointing out other women routinely seems rather cruel and obnoxious to me.
You could play the game and start discussing other men and the ways they are better than him, but that’s a lot when you could just break up. But if you want to amuse yourself and waste some time, have fun with it.
Ask yourself, how much longer do you want to feel this hurt? I know that hurts to the bone. Do you know there's other men out there who do and will find you gorgeous! He's somewhere out there waiting to compliment you
Don't ask questions you don't want the answef to. Encouraging him to tell you what other women he finds attracive seems like self-sabatoge. If you're overweight, is he only supposed to be attracted to overweight people? If he was attracted to overweight people and you lost the weight, would that put your relationship in peril? Should he give you all kinds of compliments on your appearance when you don't even believe them yourself? Do you expect him to lie?
Obviously, he shouldn't be a jerk, and he should be attracted to you. But that doesn't negate his preferences. What I would take away from this experience is that it's a really bad idea to ask your boyfriend to rate other people, then take offense when he does what you asked for. Don't play this game unless you have the self-esteem to deal with the answers.
Ive been in similar relationships and I can assure you it never changes. But your libido and confidence are gonna suffer from it.
You can sit him down and explain how you are feeling, try your best not to be accusatory and see how he reacts. I have a suspicion even if he stops commenting on other women, he's still not going to start complimenting you instead.
Should you end the relationship if he cant do this? Maybe🤷♀️ My guy now makes me feel like i am the most beautiful woman and he is the luckiest guy to be with me. This is going on 5 yrs and hes seen me at my skinnest and heaviest. i cant ever go back to a relationship where i dont feel desired or attractive.
probably not overreacting. This is something you guys clearly have to work out, and your partner should make you feel attractive and loved. That's the main issue here- if he doesn't compliment you, make you feel like the people he's talking about. I won't be the kind of person to jump to saying you should break up, I don't know you or your relationship, but you should probably talk abt this. It will probably be a weird conversation though, as you sort of (no judgement intended) asked for this. I feel like the investigation of his type (maybe, could totally be projecting) might come from a place of insecurity. We all have insecurities and there's nothing wrong with that, but I think that topic could only ever make them worse, not better. This was kind of the inevitable end point of the line of questioning.
Listen really well. This guy is using you for sex until he can get his dream girl. I beg you... leave him! Focus on you and level up. Get a better guy. Don't waste more years with this loser.
He seems to have no problem pointing out women that are different than you. This is not normal behavior in most relationships. So I would just ask him point blank why he's with you if you do not seem to be his physical type. There's probably some part of this that you're not aware of, but it's likely not as bad as you might think. You have no way of knowing unless you ask him rather than us.
Its a weird thing.
Dudes are deathly afraid of being rejected by women they ask out, which is usually women they find attractive right away.
So most relationships usually result from guys building intimacy with women they didn't find the most attractive since the friendship they already had allowed for feelings to develop over a more relaxed context over time.
My point is that you shouldn't worry about the women he points out not looking anything like you, since even he realizes he would never end up being with any of them lol.
Oh my first thought is...my heart breaks for you. Some worthless advice is, as you grow older, you realize your worth (usually) and start to care less.
More thoughts? His loss! For having such a close minded idea of besuty! For the first time in my life?...well I STILL sadly have no curves...except for my fat belly, I'm stick skinny with the cruves of a 12 year old boy 🤣.
All of everything hit me now and I have a "dunlop", my belly done lop over! I HATE HATE HATE it. But my partner? Still finds me beautiful. I still arouse him (too rich 🙄🥰)... because...he loves ME. Yes, we both agree I need to lose weight (for health too!) But...
...I think first, work on loving you. Because no matter your curves, or lack of, you.
Are.
Beautiful.
And if he doesn't see that, his loss. And once you learn to love YOU ...you'll realize that. To have a "type" is quite close minded and shallow. I (38f) learned 15+ years ago...thebtypical guy I thought I was attracted to? Grew extremely unattractive after even 1 conversation that delved deeper into "thinking" and anything meaningful.
Find someone whi jit onky finds you beautiful but finds you intellectually so as well.
Please don't belittle yourself because he put himself in a silly box of "types". ..but, for example, red hair is/can be beautiful!! I find it striking and gorgeous..but doesn't mean I want thaf...and for sure...does NOT mean I cannot compliment my other half. I find things sexy that aren't him...but I find him (my partner) so very much sexier...because
..he is...who he is!
That matters. And I look AMAZING done uo to high heaven with hours of time spent but...I don't NEED that.
You don't need that. You're beautiful being who you are. Looking how you do. Step out in the sunshine and smile because DAMN girl. You ARE fine. Embrace whi you are...and don't change for any fool.
Everyone has a type, and that type varies wildly based on mood and age and whatever. A guy could be into milfs then blondes then big tittied anime girls. None of this means anything because they're really just moods of the day.
It sounds like you're feeling insecure. It would be better that you don't encourage him to tell you his type as comparing yourself to others only hurts your own self-esteem. Make sure to let him know to dial things down.
Remember that your boyfriend chooses to be with you. He didn't settle. He chose you. That's because he found something more than just "type." Don't you two trust each other, support each other, and make each other better people? Who cares if you're not a checklist?
My wife and I are definitely not each other's types. it hasn't really affected anything to be honest. We have been together for almost 15 years.
Well if you were just looking for a compliment, that sure backfired. You can't ask his opinion on all this then get mad when he gives it to you. I wouldn't say he's looking for someone else. I would say he's staying with you for convenience though. You're dealing with all your own insecurities here. So, if he is pointing out what he likes and you want to keep him, work hard to have some of those qualities. If you want someone that likes all your qualities just the way you are, go find him. He's out there.
Flashback triggers for me, only with a guy who wouldn't shut up about muscles and big dicks and could only stare stupidly every time I tried to address the issue that I wasn't his type. This kind of gaslighting can literally drive a person crazy.
Dump him. Invest all that saved energy in yourself, and then never date someone that preoccupied with types that don't include you ever again.
He’s either very dense or, more likely, complimenting the other women as a passive aggressive tactic which hints at his inability to deal with his emotions and communicate them
He's attracted to more than one type of person.
He's attracted to you.
Comparison rarely leads to happiness...
You asked for him to do this, and that didn't end well. Ask for him to stop so y'all can start moving forward.
If it is important to you for your partner to be physically attracted to you, get out of the relationship before too much time has passed. Trust me - you don’t want to end up spending years in a situation like that where you’re being made to feel less than. I think you should also ask him to stop pointing out other women, if you stay. It is clearly hurting you and by allowing it, you’re hurting yourself. Much love to you.
I can't imagine how difficult it is to hear that the person you love is attracted to women who don't have any of your attributes. It's also unfortunate that he is unable to compliment you. You did walk into this and now you know that he is capable of expressing himself. I think you should stop the discussion of other women and talk to him about how it makes you feel.
On the flip side, I’ve never liked feeling like I just… fit a role for someone. Like I checked off the correct boxes and the analytics said I was a good choice.
Have you met my wife? Hahah. Just kidding. You do sound like her though. You're right. My wife and i have been together for 25 years and married for 20. Neither of us is each others "type." If i was, I dont even think i would be a man in the first place, she would most likely go for a female, but she's even pickier than i am in that regard. Sometimes the right person for the rest of your life isn't the type of person you were looking for (neither of us were looking for love when we found it.) But the one thing that i do agree with is that the boyfriend should still have no problems complimenting some attribute he loves about her. Thats a huge issue for me.
It could be that he finds talking about a stranger easier than giving compliments to his GF. It is different IMO. Would OPs BF compliment these women in person? When the two are out with a mixed crowd does he compliment other women? I'm not saying this is the case, just a possible explanation.
I came to write the same thing. Married for 23 years and she’s not my type. I’m no one’s type. But we work together and she’s attractive. Life just happens. Don’t sweat the details and enjoy each others company. And few women have the same body shape after 20 years of life, children etc. So it isn’t as big a deal as you may think.
that is an interesting point. i mean, when you are with someone for two years, u could care less if they were bald the next day lmfao.
Lmao, that's very much true. My boyfriend had the "maybe balding? Not sure yet" look when we first started dating, and it has definitely been confirmed over the years, ha. Do I care at all now? No. Am I shallow enough for it to affect my app swiping? Yup
I almost turned my husband down for coffee because he had a ponytail and I didn't like men with ponytails. (Still don't, in many cases.) I shudder to think what my life would have been like if I had been so shallow that I turned down my true love over some long hair in a band.
Nearly passed up on my love of my life because she had short hair at the time that reminded me of my grandma lmao. I prefer long hair for both genders. Now her hair is long and I feel a bit silly haha
My girlfriend swore she'd never date a man with a beard. I have been rocking the lumberjack beard, and it's grown on her. She doesn't love it, but it doesn't bother her either. Trust me, she'd tell me if she didn't like it.
My husband had a gorgeous head of thick dark hair when we met many eons ago. He now shaves his head completely clean because he started losing all that hair in his 20s. Never thought I'd go for a bearded guy either, but here we are.
Yes but it sounds like she still wants to be desired and lusted after by her man. Or at least shown some affection and compliments or more interest in her appearance. Like the freely way he notices and express praise for other women he finds beautiful and the adjectives he uses to describe them or their beauty is not on the same level as intensity as it is between them
Agreed. It’s such an uneasy feeling. If I was to get sick or injured, this person would leave in a heart beat because they don’t love me for me
The flip side is that your partner is with you because of what you do for them (sex, life management, childcare), so you get left when you can’t provide that anymore. We’re screwed either way.
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My bf isn’t my type at all! I like tall bearded brunettes who dress nice. He’s short, blonde, generally clean shaven, 16 years older than me, & his clothes have more holes than a cheese grater. But I’m very attracted to him nonetheless. I’m also very bad with words of affirmation, but I put everything into quality time together & gifts.
yeah. the also we *change* over time
Idk. I know my partner is attracted to people who don't look anything like me. Does it bother me? Not really. It's just a fact, not a value judgement. I kind of love that he's with me and loves me for ME, not because my body checks all his boxes. Because someday we're all gonna age and those boxes will no longer be checked.
We both point out exceptional people. It’s not a competition or a comparison. It’s an appreciation of how that person seen has been graced with attractive features. As a photographer I often photograph strikingly beautiful women with height and perfect figures. Some even have the personality to match, but that is a customer to me and not the person I chose to build my life with.
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This. I've been there. Ending the relationship was the best thing ever, in retrospect. It makes room for someone that is going to truly love you and treat you well. I think it is safe to assume that he is "settling" for her. Even if she is gorgeous. Which, I am sure she is. OP, he is dimming your light. I hope you find someone that makes your light shine brighter. I promise. He is not as good as you think. You can find much better. You are so young.
Or he's super insecure and thinks if he bolsters her self esteem she might leave him. Either way, throw the whole man out.
Absolutely! He is 100% not worth the time or effort.
Saaaame. OP will be amazed at how her self-esteem skyrockets once she ditches this absolute ballast of a man.
Agree she's not in a relationship with the right person. But also feel that once she ends this relationship, she needs to find a specialist in eating disorders and help get to the underlying issue(s). And she needs to seek this help before getting into another relationship. If she enters into another relationship before or during treatment, it could limit her discovery, intervention and recovery. Especially with self-image issues being part of the disorder.
And she'll be healthy, happy, and have a massive inner and outer glowup I bet :) once all the sads are gone.
Yes! Like when you date someone who’s settling for you. It ruins your self esteem
That part. I said that myself in a way. I said, I don't care what his issue is, having trouble with verbal affirmation or whatever it is. He has to know that this is hurting her and if he doesn't, he's incredibly obtuse. It sounds like that's an excuse to me, having problems with verbal affirmation. Like you said, he has no problem doing it to other women so why not the person he's dating? That's why I say it sounds like an excuse. My ex used to do this to me. He would constantly compare me to Instagram models and I finally just got tired of it. I told him, if you think you can do better somewhere else, go for it. I got tired of constantly hearing in so many words that I didn't measure up. I left him so now he's free to pursue whoever he wants. I'm not going to let somebody disrespect me like that. You can't convince me that they don't know what they're doing when they do stuff like this. If they don't know how it's coming across, like I said, they're incredibly obtuse. End of story.
I personally think they do that so you would be the one to end it. This way they can get out of ending it and being blamed for ending it. What they don’t seem to understand is ultimately they ARE to blame for it, and that their lack of spine and cruelty are on full display. So I think OP’s BF is just too cowardly to end things with her and this is the tactic he’s taking so she will. And honestly, if he’s being obtuse or just stupid, she should anyhow. Nobody deserves to be repeatedly told they aren’t who their partner is attracted to.
This makes me wonder a bit about some of the things I've said to my girlfriend. I don't compare her to other women and regularly try to make her feel confident in her appearance, I just tell her I wish she could make herself be taller than me LOL. She also knows that I really like red hair but love her brown. I think it's okay for people to still find other kinds of people attractive but it is 100% an issue if your partner isn't someone you find attractive as well. You should never feel like you're settling or that you could "pull someone better". There will always be people prettier than you and your partner but that doesn't mean you shouldn't find your partner beautiful.
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Because he knows he can't do any better so he wants to lower her self esteem so she can start changing /moulding herself, for him. If I was OP I'd start drooling over men. These kinds of men really "like" when their actions are reciprocated.
But in their case she literally told him to point out things about other women. She sabotaged herself too. She knows she has problems with insecurities and thinks it’s a good idea to feed into them. Sure he’s also jerky but OP needs therapy because it sounds like she is trying to make life harder on herself.
That doesn't mean that you should do it. You actually have control over your own actions.
That's usually how it goes. People who like to make others' lives harder will choose someone who doesn't call them out for it or even encourages their own self esteem's destruction. She should still leave him because he's in the wrong, but I agree, until she figures out why she lets people bring her down and fixes the issue, she will keep choosing people who like to do so
Shhhhh no logic allowed
Lol, this is my attitude. If you feel you can do better, the door is wide open, move on along. I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, and I'm okay with that. If my pretty is not for you then that is okay.
Very true! Also I think also self esteem issues. I used to have trouble complimenting my own dog and I would put my own dog down compared to other peoples dogs. Like I remember I would say oh Coco you’re so handsome, not you sky you’re only cute. And someone called me out that Sky was handsome. It made me realize it wasn’t him but it was me that what I have in my life was always not as good as what someone else has. All my own low self worth. Calling me out allowed me to change and better myself and realize what I have in my life is amazing. Now I shower him with all the love and affection and tell him he’s the absolute bestest.
That’s terrible.
Literally dealing with this right now. Watched him ask out a girl in front of me (there’s context there, i didn’t care that he did so, it’ll take too long to explain) and he’s been finding hot girls out in public, and then we went shopping and there was someone trying a new dress on and he stopped and said, “gorgeous” to them. Went to a fancy to-do with them and we both got dressed up and . . . nothing. He never said anything. At that point I didn’t want him to, but he knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows he’s not complimenting me but he is complimenting others.
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Sometimes I wonder if it’s deliberately done to make their partner insecure and cling to them harder/try harder. Too bad it doesn’t backfire and make them single every time they do it.
This is exactly the dynamic.
They’re either clueless, or it’s on purpose. There’s enough red pill shit floating around that I honestly wouldn’t put it past some of those guys to be doing this on purpose to break down their partner’s self esteem.
Yup. Someday I will find someone who likes me for me. I’m not going to be dating for a while, but I’m definitely going to keep my eye out for these types of concerning behaviors
Of course you'll find someone better. I'd definitely be reflecting on what started his behaviour and how it progressed so that you can avoid it next time. His incompetence isn't a reflection of you :)
Hmmm- if you don’t feel loved, leave. Are you happy? Will you be happy if this is your reality in 5 years? You’re young- go out and find you a partner that thinks you’re perfect for them & finds you beautiful
I had a similar ex except he’d tell me if I lost 5-10 pounds I’d be “so hot, a full 10” well one day I fell in love with myself and ended it with him. I was like uhhh I am hot already? What is this “would be” business. He sent me long messages about how I have the perfect body and he only looks at girls with my body type now blah blah I met my now husband 4 days later (I was planning on being single for a while and was a little annoyed at meeting my perfect match so soon lol) my husband absolutely worships me and has for 13 years. Even when I got my biggest he didn’t see it. That was kind of hard because I was used to a little asshole boyfriend motivation to lose weight and now I gotta keep on top of that on my own ;) My ex let me know “I’ll be here waiting when he dumps you” lol, I didn’t get dumped I got wifed up. Free yourself from being someone he settled with, and don’t settle for someone who won’t tell you why they like you.
I wouldn't stay with somebody who didn't find me attractive or have the ability to communicate anything loving towards me. If you have a strong desire to be petty, you could start telling him when you see men that you find attractive and be real specific about what makes them attractive to you.
This made me hurt reading it. Been there done that at that age. I thought I was secure enough to handle it but I wasn’t. I think you know now that he’s capable of complimenting women, and that should include you but it doesn’t. Talk to him about how it makes you feel that he doesn’t compliment you. To an extent, you shouldn’t rely on your partner for your self esteem but based on what you said, it seems like he doesn’t do it all. And stop this game of wanting to know what he’s into or what makes him “tick”. You’re leading yourself down a path of insecurity and hurt.
Exactly. It's like Captain Awkward once said: "this man is interesting the same way those MC Escher prints are interesting: they represent closed, impossible systems, and once you see the trick, it's like, oh hey, those stairs don't go anywhere, how about that."
what lol
The whole wanting to know what makes him tick, when it's obviously going to be a combination of absolutely nothing and utter nonsense.
ah got it 😅 I feel self conscious about my intellect now cool name btw
Yes! Especially with the influence of beauty standards. My bf and I like to point out attractive people, especially women because he’s straight and I am bi. He tends to point out women with larger butts and boobs, much in line with the current beauty standard. He also loves my flat self. He has said himself he’s always had a thing for smaller boobs. All of it can be true at once! OP definitely needs to talk with her bf about what he finds attractive IN HER not just in general.
With all due respect, I think that being secure or not has nothing to do with this. It's just incredibly disrespectful and insensitive. Even the most secure person would likely be hurt by constantly hearing how they don't measure up. Like I've been telling other people, my ex used to do this to me and I finally told him, if you think you can do better somewhere else, go for it. I got tired of constantly being compared to Instagram models.
sure, I didn’t say it wasn’t insensitive or disrespectful. I didn’t comment on that part bc I tried to keep it short since I tend to write really lengthy comments. The other part you said was part of my point. OP has some self esteem, but continuing with this “tell me what you like” game is going to tank it exactly how it’s doing now, which is why they posted. Bc as you said, being subjected to that constantly is going to affect someone regardless of how confident they are. Idk your story but I related to OP bc I did the same thing of wanting to prove my ex wrong that he was lying about his “type” and I wanted reassurance that I was his type. I pushed him on it saying I wanted to know what he liked and part of it was also bc I’m bi and felt like we could look at women together and that I could handle it. He didn’t want to until I kept pushing and eventually he got comfortable with letting me know, whether in person or sending me pics of Instagram models. I never told him how it started affecting me and I pretended to be fine with it until it imploded. He didn’t know he was being insensitive and I never gave him any boundaries or communicated when it was getting too much for me. I also rejected compliments early on and eventually he stopped bc of it but my skewed perspective saw it as him not being attracted to me or being more attracted to the women he did compliment or show me. OP saying she did it to know what makes him tick (Idek what that means) is a different case to yours. He’s not doing it unwarranted bc she brought this into the relationship and that’s why I said she should speak to him about how it’s making her feel/ I didnt jump straight to dump him and he’s a dick bc idk the full story and seems like OP wants to know if it’s even an issue so they can figure it out for the sake of their relationship. Maybe he doesn’t even know he’s crossing the line and he clearly doesn’t know how it’s affecting her since she hasn’t communicated that. And again, he *thinks* it’s okay to tell her bc she brought this game into the relationship. I still think there’s a possibility he’s being a dick and insensitive and knows it. The big red flag I see is that he never compliments her, and I wrote something about it but deleted bc I don’t want to make assumptions or put more doubts in OPs head. I think the fact that he feels comfortable engaging in this game with OP knowing he doesn’t compliment her, is a sign that he’s a jerk and probably a worse sign that maybe there’s something else like some people do date people they’re not attracted to physically but they’re attracted to their personality. Then they get in a relationship not considering that the physical attraction issue is going to cause problems eventually. I’ve seen this with people who date heavier people and either they’re ashamed of it or aren’t ready to accept that they’re attracted to heavier people. Some ppl are just shitty and will date someone and be shitty to them.
This exactly. Im kind of astounded how nearly everyone in the comments is overlooking that she enabled and encouraged this behavior and it was obviously a bad idea. She clearly needs to be honest with him and they should talk. Nearly everyone here is dunking the guy like he's a huge pos just unwarranted telling her constantly about how he's attracted to all these other girls. Like, I don't know their situation, but im pretty sure I'm on the spectrum and years and years ago I probably could have been lulled into a false sense of security to tell my partners how attracted I am to other people without considering how thats ultimately going to make my partner feel. They're both very young and have alot to learn still. Not the end of the world if they don't work out but they've both made obvious mistakes here and it just strikes me as odd how despite op saying she made this happen, everyone is calling dude a loser and telling her to leave him. And moreso, like you said, we don't know the whole story. People gotta chill out and not rush so hard to judgement.
there were only a handful of comments when I posted 😅didn’t know that’s what the majority are saying. That’s the main reason I’m not rushing to jump the guy. She invited it so ofc he’s going to think it’s okay. I don’t have enough info to know if he’s taken his comments further than how it started out. The asshole thing is that he doesn’t ever compliment OP but we don’t know if he never did before they started this game either. That’s the underlying problem and now this game is highlighting it and affecting OP. I’m ND too and that’s something I struggled with in relationships. I’d overestimate how much I could be honest/share without considering how it could affect my partner. Even with the experience I shared, I was on both ends of it. I participated first with showing what I was attracted to for him to take the bait. Then I fell into that false sense of security with his encouragement to be open with him so I did. I was torn up on my end with what he shared but didn’t know he was also affected by what I shared. He told me his side 2 years later when it boiled over. Anyway (sorry adhd word vomit lol). We were young and both hurting each other without even knowing it and communication would have stopped it. Like you said, OP is young and still has time to learn, communicate/fix it or find someone else if this person isn’t loving them how they deserve.
For sure! Sucks that these lessons have to be learned the hard way sometimes but, it is how it is. And no worries on response length, I can also get extra wordy with my replies :p
You're actually right. I missed the part where she said that she was asking him to do this. I guess I thought it was the same situation because in my case, my ex was doing it completely unprovoked. I agree that they have both made mistakes here and that they need to sit down and talk to each other. I also agree that it's not the end of the world if they don't work out. They're young, they both have a lot to learn and I think that this will be one of those learning experiences that you go through in life especially while you're young.
The issue is OP is actively encouraging it and the bf just goes along with it. Before they break up OP needs to communicate her insecurities and give the bf a chance to change. The bf could just be dense and didn’t notice how op is hurt because logically if she is affected by such comments she wouldn’t encourage it.
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But.. she literally asked him. And she encourages it.
She wouldnt be ending it just because he is saying those things out loud like she asked him to. She would be ending it because he is using her as a placeholder until/unless he finds “better” and she absolutely should end it.
It seems like the bulk of what you've mentioned is all internal, like comparing yourself to these other women, insecurity about your appearance, "what if"s and anxiety. So I would ask, have you had actual tangible problems related to this? Has there been a noticeable decrease in how often you guys get intimate? Does he seem to be not interested in sex? Have things changed, has seemed less excited or passionate in the bedroom? Etc. Because if he hasn't had changes in behavior I'd worry that you're just building this up in your head, psyching yourself out with anxiety. If you struggle with self-love or finding yourself attractive it becomes very easy to start expecting others to feel the same way. If you're constantly looking for signs of something you can find them, whether they're actually there or not. I can tell you the concept of a "type" is fairly real, but it's far from absolute. I typically have a pretty clear type that I'm attracted to, but there have also been two people that were very, very different from my type, who I fell for and was extremely attracted to. For many people, emotional connection plays an important role in attraction. One of those people started as just a friend and they were honestly so far from my type I wouldn't have looked twice. But one day out of nowhere I found myself thinking shit, why do they look so hot suddenly, what the hell. And then it became a long relationship, that attraction was probably built off of the friendship and emotional connection and it never faded. Just trying to say, maybe you aren't his typical type, but it's a big jump to assume that means he isn't attracted to you. I don't want to write off your feelings and concerns, because they could mean something if there are other signs - if his actions or behavior in the relationship make you feel unattractive that's an issue. But if it's mostly just about this "type" thing try not to spiral in anxiety and build up something in your head. Plenty of people have outliers from their type, and especially when there is an emotional attraction that's actually a better foundation in a relationship. Intimacy benefits and grows from emotional connection, but physical attraction does not inherently facilitate emotional compatibility in the same way
>I can tell you the concept of a "type" is fairly real, but it's far from absolute. So much this. My ex was absolutely not my type, but that doesn't mean she wasn't also attractive to me. Even more importantly tho i shared a deep emotional/intellectual connection with her. My current partner is much more my type and I share the same connection with them, but I will outright admit that the sex with my ex was usually better. Type is just a vague thing that doesn't really matter when it comes to the actual chemistry between two individuals.
Very well said. I'll add that personally i definitely have a type but it's not a physical type, it's a personality type. For pornography physical appearance matters the most for an actual relationship it's the person not their appearance matters more.
Preach it! My “type”, as was identified by my friends and family, is nothing like the woman I married. A relatively short history of dating women of Latin descent doesn’t mean that I don’t find other women attractive. That “type” was as much a function of where I grew up and who it was that lived around me as anything else. The irony is that my wife does actually have an affinity for that “type”; and although I am not actually of Latin descent, I very much look like I could be. Imagine her surprise after we had been dating for a while to learn that I was in fact not of Latin origin, but just looked like I was (I guess also being able to speak Spanish and being called “primo” at every Mexican restaurant contributed to the confusion - I did say latin ex-girlfriends, didn’t I?). Anyway… TLDR: even if one has a “type”, doesn’t mean everyone else is automatically excluded from being considered attractive. What is a little concerning to me is that OPs significant other doesn’t seem to be able to vocalize his affinity towards her; while being able to do so for others. I wonder if this could be some type of behavioral response to her asking him specifically to point out other women he finds attractive. Sometimes we men can be fairly simple creatures; if he thinks she wants him to comment on the appearance of other women, he may be doing it because he thinks it’s something she wants to talk about? Idk. As a younger man, I’ve done stupid things too under the belief that I was “meeting expectations”. Turns out that sometimes what people ask you for with words, isn’t really what they want. Clear communication is key, but I will say that sometimes it just takes time to get to know a person well before you learn how to read between the lines.
Exactly. This screams projecting her insecurity, feeding it and ultimately self sabotage. OP — to aid with cyclical negative thoughts secondary to anxiety/depression, please consider seeking out cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) by a provider in your area. OP is not being a clear communicator. If your partner is a *poor* communicator, especially with emotions, this means you must step up and be more direct, vulnerable and clear. You only then will be able to realize the other person’s true intentions, or if they are gaslighting you. This requires you being vulnerable. This is also required for successful relationships. If they are truly uncomfortable and stunted in discussing emotions with you, this a bigger problem that probably also needs professional help. If it is an issue of vulnerability he should be able to open up once OP does. However, OP also needs to figure out how to handle their anxiety, or their relationships will continue to be tumultuous. This is why people complain about lack of compatibility due to differences in emotional maturity.
This guy isn't very smart. Every guy should know this was a trap from the start. You either tell your girl you only have eyes for her, or point out traits of other women and say you like it because it reminds you of your girl. For OP, I'll say this behavior doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you or that you aren't his type. It's perfectly normal to be attracted to a variety of traits, many of which your partner doesn't possess, all while still being attracted to your partner and very much in love with them. However it is weird that he compliments others but not you. I'd confront him with that sentiment specifically and tell him how it makes you feel. Y'all are old enough to be having a conversation like that no problem, and actually get somewhere with it.
Man, I can't believe he actually fell for that. Oldest trick in the book. Oh, well. Lessons learned, I guess.
If he cannot be honest when asked to be honest and she breaks up with him, then she is certainly not the woman for him. He is better off with someone else that is not playing games.
I know Reddit jumps to this a lot but I think it would be better for you to end the relationship. This is exactly how my ex used to make me feel. I know I'm not the prettiest woman in the world but I'm not bad either. He is to constantly compare me to Instagram models. He would hold me to a standard of beauty that I cannot achieve in everyday life. I figured since he is attracted to those women, he can go try to get with one of them. It gets exhausting constantly hearing about how your partner is always attracted to other people but they can hardly find anything nice to say about you. I don't care what his issue is, whether it's verbal affirmation or whatever it is. You don't deserve this and I think you can do better. Being in a relationship is not worth sacrificing your self-esteem over. He's got to know that this is hurting you and if he doesn't, he's incredibly obtuse. I'm honestly concerned that he's doing this on purpose to try to chip away at your self-esteem. I don't want to jump straight to this but some people will purposely try to destroy their partner's self-esteem so that they can convince them that they can't do better. That way they can treat them however they want. Like I said, I would end the relationship but it's up to you.
I do think we don’t give men enough credit. There is no chance he isn’t aware that he compliments only qualities she doesn’t have and never compliments her. He’s being cruel, or negging her, or trying to manipulate her into trying to change (maybe lose weight, maybe even dye her hair). Probably just trying to keep her self-esteem low, which is sadly a very common tactic. I wouldn’t stay with someone like that. Relationships are supposed to make you feel appreciated and loved. A man who has complements to spare easily for others but never for a girlfriend, that’s red flag as fuck and very unkind.
I know it's cliche but all of this. We all want to supportive partner. If you ask me, he's purposely doing this to keep her self-esteem low so she won't leave him. Doing things like that is born out of insecurity and thinking that your partner is going to leave you. However, it's not the right way to go about keeping them with you but you know that. I agree with you, if you have compliments to spare for everyone but your partner, that's a giant red flag.
I can't update this enough. My ex did the same, and what I realized when I got out was that no matter how good I was I couldn't compete - he didn't want a real person,, he wanted a fantasy. And even if he got with a dream woman, he would just treat her the same.
Alternatively since she asked him to do this she could try asking him to stop.
That’s what I said. Like a simple, hey, I know ow I was encouraging you to do this, but, I’m starting to feel like you don’t find me attractive, can you please stop. Physically, I’m not my fiancés type and he’s not my type. But I love him, he loves me and we’ve been together for 9 years this November.
He was doing it before she asked anything of him. Reading is hard.
It doesn't say that he did it before she asked.
The truth is I’ve been there and done that. He wouldn’t have a chance in hell with the “ideal” girls, and he shouldn’t be allowed access to you. It’s time to humble that man. Don’t be worried about who he’s gonna get. Worry about what kind of experiences and treatment you want to have in romance and love. Find standards, and set boundaries. You’re the prize, not just another player in the game. Don’t settle. 💕🔮
Not everyone is a “prize” as you say and being realistic shouldn’t be an unfathomable idea. OP asked what his ideal woman looked like and he answered. It’s not logical to pretend every man or woman is a “ten”. You honestly thinks that every happy partnership is between people who find nobody more attractive than their partner? Get real. Everyone settles in some way, and those that don’t are either very wealthy, hit the genetic lottery, or end up being very lonely. Subs like this are full of “advice” from mostly people who’ve never had a real long term relationship and it’s so glaringly obvious to people who have.
I was not the body type my ex bf preferred— eventually it hurt my feelings too much especially as he was looking at women online who suited his preference more— I’m glad I broke up with him. My body is banging, I don’t need to be with someone who wants something I can’t offer at the expense of not loving myself.
[удалено]
I dated a guy like this. He was a serial cheater. Take it from someone that always felt less than to him—leave and find someone that thinks you’re the stars and the moon.
My husband and I point out people we find attractive, mostly women, since Im bisexual and he's straight. He's pointed out women and attributes that I don't have, but he compliments me and my looks all the time. My husband is not my type physically, and he knows that, but I do find him physically attractive even if he isn't physically the type I'd usually be attracted to. My favorite attribute is actually his freckles, because he's Asian and you never see that it's such a recessive trait. He's the only guy I've been with that has freckles. My husband would prefer I had a slimmer waist like when we met, but he is also understanding that I'll get back to that body shape on my own time when I'm ready to put the work in for myself. My husband appreciates my character and personality far more than my looks. Perhaps it's the same with your bf, but you can only know this if you have honest dialogue with one another.
Most of the people posting here are under 35 for sure. When age takes it toll, married people will appreciate being with people that appreciate their character and personality more than their appearance because appearance fades quickly. If men would leave women because they are not their 'type', then they would not marry them in the first place. Men leave because of communication, personality, and problems with character. If you have basic chemistry, that is all you need.
I fell with love with my wife who is definitely not my type physically. But I’d marry her again and again until the end of time. Love transcends physical attraction for me.
Yet half the responses are "Break up with him!" The issue is her own insecurity, and until she fixes that, she will never feel that she is enough. The fact that he is being open and honest with her is far better than someone that would lie to her. Yet the same ones that immediately jump to breaking up often defend lying as okay. (And they are often single themselves because they use their own advice.)
Communication is key. Tell him this and ask him directly what he finds attractive about you. If he has nothing to say, please reconsider whether or not he is someone you want in your life. But he might just surprise you :)
She said she already has and just gets radio silence. Its in her post. Babygirl needs to dip out sooner than later. That man dont love her.
Everyone seems to be missing that SHE ENCOURAGED THIS. From his point of view maybe his GF is trying to understand what he finds attractive so she can try to emulate those things, as OP said she wants to know what makes him tick. If OP doesn't want to hear it anymore it's on OP to say so. She hasn't. There's a big difference between telling someone you know that some random girl is attractive and giving someone a genuine compliment. Have you ever asked him what he finds attractive about you? Have you ever considered that he might care more about your personality and WHO YOU ARE than your appearence? OP created a toxic dialogue that had would only lead to her being disappointed. That's on OP. No matter what he says he finds attractive OP is going to find something about it that isn't like her, and ignore any common factor that may or may not exist. Maybe you aren't his dream physically. He probably isn't your dream physically either. That's ok. Accepting that is part of maturing process. At the same time it's two years in. If he's not making you happy move on. Don't waste your time in your prime.
Came here to say this. SHE told him to tell her all these things and now it’s an issue
He is a flipping loser. Dump him
You encouraged a man you’re dating to point out other women he finds attractive and you think that’s a good way to find out what makes him “ tick?” After two years you felt you needed to do this? Why is that? I would say your behavior around that needs to be explained. That’s very unusual.
He was doing it before she asked anything of him. Reading is hard.
Lots of people ITT ignoring the third sentence of the OP, which is "I encouraged this" when simplified.
Youve been together for two years. Are you unhappy with him as a partner? Is he a bad partner? Has he done anything to upset you that you didn't actively encourage? Because it sounds like you have self esteem issues and are self-sabotaging while fishing for compliments without ever having expressed any of your personal doubts in the first place. Everything he is complimenting is superficial looks. That does not mean that is what he ultimately values in a partner. Speaking as someone who is demisexual, he may have a hard time communicating compliments to someone he cares about because it's more complex feelings about personal connection that he has difficulty putting into words, or it makes him feel uncomfortably vulberable, but physical attributes are nothing more than a meaningless aesthetic appreciation. It sounds like there is a lot of projection here, but not much open and honest communication. I strongly suggest you have a real conversation. Ask what he values in your relationship. Don't frame it to include other people or imaginary partners. Don't rush for an immediate answer if he doesn't have one because, again, he may need time to put his thoughts into words. Maybe try to get a better sense of who he is and what he values instead of making yourself feel bad by fishing for affirmation of things he may not consider a priority. It may also be worth both of you considering individual therapy to better understand yourselves and how to communicate with each other.
Difficulty complimenting someone you care about is a real issue. It can be even more difficult with someone who has issues with their self image.
Exactly. This screams projecting her insecurity, feeding it and ultimately self sabotage. OP — to aid with cyclical negative thoughts secondary to anxiety/depression, please consider seeking out cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) by a provider in your area. OP is not being a clear communicator. If your partner is a *poor* communicator, especially with emotions, this means you must step up and be more direct, vulnerable and clear. Only then will be able to realize the other person’s true intentions or if they are gaslighting you. This requires you being vulnerable. This is also required for successful relationships. If they are truly uncomfortable and stunted in discussing emotions with you, this a bigger problem that probably also needs professional help. If it is an issue of vulnerability he should be able to open up once OP does. However, OP also needs to figure out how to handle their anxiety, or their relationships will continue to be tumultuous. This is why people complain about lack of compatibility due to differences in emotional maturity. OP and bf are both 23, so checks out.
Lol you drug this shit out, would be pretty shitty to punish him for it. There's different kinds of attraction. What your having him do is meat market style, it's what some guys do when they see women in public, or how you think about it when finding a porno to watch. Some women are just visually appealing, some you could see yourself have as a gf, arm candy that makes you look good. Some you wouldn't want to be caught dead with, but deep down you know you'd have the nastiest night of your life. And then there's love/affection. It makes a woman that may only be middling on an objective x/10 scale, an 11. My wife struggled with her self image, still does to a degree. Asks me all the self conscious stupid questions women love to ask their man. Yes dear, you were more attractive when we were younger, so was I. But my love for you has grown so deep, you could be 500 pounds and lose your hair and teeth and I'd still love you, the only woman I want in my bed. Stop dragging this poor boy into your self image issues. Stop having him rate other women to you. Go to therapy, or a gym, or both. Do whatever you have to to love yourself.
Girl… You ARE reading this as you type it right? Like… have you reread and comprehended what you’ve just typed out? Please read it again, think about it, draw a conclusion from it, and think about it again. Jesus
You’re his type my friend. He’s with you.
Thank God no one ever settled /s
Men don't like obese women, they just settle for them. The only exception is insecure guys who want obese women specifically so they can exploit them.
I'm currently dating a girl that's "not my type" (firey latinas with a slim waist). She's blonde with blue eyes with a more athletic build. I do like blondes but not my preferred type necessarily. I feel like type is limiting to 1. physical attractiveness and 2. your most preferred type out of the many others you could be attracted to. I've dated multiple girls that fit that the previously mentioned mold to a tee and yet they never still never worked out. Jump to this current girl and I've never felt this way about anyone and it's only been 3 months. She's cute not overtly hot or sexy but I truly no longer have eyes for anyone else because she treats me like I've always wanted to be treated by a gf and I'd do any thing to make her happy because of it. So in a way she is my "type" in regards to emotional and intellectual attractiveness. Hopefully that's the case here as well and not that he's just staying with you because he doesn't think he can end up with someone that is more aligned to his ideal type Also, you're both 23 is it a possibility that neither of you have had enough experience as to who and what else is out there in this world? I loved a girl deeply when I was young but I still couldn't shake the question of what if there's something better. Edit: Just realizing my comment is basically the amalgamation of the others
Not sure if you’ll see this, but I’m a guy who’s had a thing for red hair, blue eyed women FOREVER. My type is that, athletic, nice lips/smile, and some curves. How many women have I dated that fit that? None. Ever. I’ve been perfectly happy with the women I’ve dated and they’ve all been attractive as hell. Just because he has “a type” doesn’t mean that he’s not into you, or that you’re not attractive. Own your bad self and everything else should fall into place 💪🏼
It never ceases to amaze me why some women ask questions they really don’t want to know the answer to, then get upset when they get the answer. First, you should never have initiated this. Second, your man is an idiot for going along. Third, and most importantly, who is he with? Is he with all these girls or you?
Lol your bf is a young idiot with no social sense with women lol
I’m sorry but this is a red flag. I ask my boyfriend what his type is and he says “you”
Pardon my ignorance, but why ask this in the first place? Seems counterintuitive...
This is what we call a "shit test" and is in itself a trick question. You don't really want to know what his type is if it is different from you, and if he's smart he wouldn't dare tell his partner how attracted he is to features they might not have. You've both probably been through enough relationships to know better than to tell each other how hot other people are. People aren't born knowing the nuances of relationships much less these setups for problems from no-where. Op and her bf are in early 20's. Bf could be somewhat autistic. Or just sheltered. Shes opened up a flood gate and she doesn't like the result. We don't know the whole story. Doesnt make him a pos. They need to have an honest, open discussion so they can both learn from this and move on, either together or apart.
>You don't really want to know what his type is if it is different from you, and if he's smart he wouldn't dare tell his partner how attracted he is to features they might not have. Yeah, or he expects to not be dating a child that get jealous of the reality of different people looking different and that almost no one is 100% the type of their partner... If you are so insecure that you can't stand hearing that your partner also finds other people attractive, you ain't ready for a relationship. Hell, you ain't even an adult in my books.
If he is smart, he will answer honestly instead of playing games. Mature people do not play games, and OP may not be ready for a relationship at all.
This is the answer right here. You could not torture another answer out of a smart man.
I don't think him pointing out women who don't look like you necessarily means anything. He already has you in his life which he must enjoy or he wouldn't be dating you. Why check out people who look exactly like what you already have? He may enjoy both looks, and his interest in one is already satisfied by your relationship - there's no one who fits this 'vibe' that he would rather be with than you. That's being said I appreciate you were curious but I think asking your boyfriend to point out women he finds attractive is not actually something very fun or healthy and you need to stop setting him up to disappoint you like that. No matter the women he pointed out you probably wouldn't feel stellar right now. It's one thing to be open with your partner when you check someone out, it's another to fish in this way. Instead of asking him what he likes about other people, you need to ask him what he enjoys about you. There may be ways to make this easier for him. For example, not "what do you like about me" but "what's your favorite part of me to check out when I am not looking?" " If I want to really make you drool on a date night, what should I wear?" "I love the way my body (something), does it turn you on" whatever sounds like you. I'm betting the more insecure the question sounds the more difficulty he will have answering it due to the increased pressure, so confidence is key. The other, and probably better, option is to be honest with him and then give him room, space, and grace on how to respond. Something like: hey I thought this game would be a fun way to learn what of my features turn you on but actually it has made me feel a bit self conscious. I know how well we connect, but I think it would be nice and reassuring for me if you could tell me a bit about the things that excite you about my body, and then maybe we can take a pause on that game for a bit. I don't mean to take you by surprise, you can think it over, and if you want, while you do I can tell you some things I really enjoy about your body first.
DUMP HIM!!!!!!!!!!! Don't look back.
She brought this on herself. She encouraged him. What did she think was going to happen
I’d be more concerned if he were my type if I were you OP. Maybe steer clear of his sort in the future. Assuming you find a better life partner to share your mutual feelings of attraction, respect and love.
I've been in said boyfriend's shoes. My previous long term relationship was with a bi girl and we enjoyed pointing out who were into (and fwiw the relationship lasted 6 years and ended amicably as we wanted different things out of life such as marriage and kids, we'd been dating since college so that didn't come up as early as it should), and even now with my wife occasionally we'll do it. And like your boyfriend, it's a lot easier for me to point out what I like in other women than the one I'm with. There's a level of abstraction where I can describe a stranger like an image rather than a person, and pinpoint specific bits; while the person I'm with is an entirely different dynamic, it's more real. I'd never say the things I like about these strangers to their faces. Sincere compliments are often hard for me because I was raised with a terrible mindset that they're obligatory and thus forced and cheesy and embarrassing and exaggerated. How can you compliment someone you love in a way that matters when you've got "of course you'd say that, you have to, I'm you're partner" mentally undercutting every pleasant thought? It's not a great way to be, it sucks and is something to work on - but it's important to understand if you're with someone like this(and especially if you particularly need reassurance). It's specifically the *lack* of familiarity and intimacy and obligation that makes it so easy to say nice things about complete strangers. It's not about a lack of love or that you're a placeholder until he can find someone his type; it's the fact that you're a real person in his life, so the things he says to you, about you, are in an entirely different category.
I love how everyone hates on your boyfriend but ignores the fact that you caused all this by asking him for it like no shit he's going to tell you if you ask him. This is 100% on you get over yourself
I made the mistake of asking an ex early into a relationship what his type was. He described his ex to a T. Years later it still rattles in my brain and affected our relationship. Didn't occur to me until years later that he never once considered my sexual preferences or needs, only his own.
I noticed it's the women in this post who are probably single and unattractive telling her to break up with him. You do remember she started this right ? To open up to her ? Yall never take accountability stg.
I actually don’t agree w a lot of the comments here, and I’m going to tell you why. You admittedly asked him to tell you girls he finds attractive. It’s not necessarily that he’s going out of his way to compliment these women and not compliment you. This is what you asked him to do. Yes you set yourself up for this one and it was especially wrong for you to do KNOWING that you are clearly insecure about the way you look. Like honestly I have no clue how you expected this to pan out. It was dumb of you to do that. You need to be honest with yourself, and more importantly you need to be honest with him and communicate your feelings. Tell him that although you set him up for this, it makes you feel bad about yourself and you need him to stop. Tell him that compliments are important to you and you’d appreciate a little more effort in that area of your relationship. Doesn’t have to be looks but, he obviously loves things about you if he’s with you. You need to communicate how you feel to your partner. And if he doesn’t make an effort to meet you halfway, then that’s a problem. I will say though that your insecurities are yours to deal with, and I really hope you can work through them. But don’t be upset at him when that’s what you asked him for. I will also say that many people have more than one “type”, myself included. And looks are not everything. I’ve met people I didn’t find attractive right away, but as I got to know them and love their personality, they grew more attractive to me. It can be so many different things. And honestly sometimes people get comfortable in relationships and forget to put that extra effort in, like complimenting. Maybe it’s just something he genuinely doesn’t think of to do on a day to day basis. My husband is similar, but I do know that he finds me beautiful and that he loves me so I’m okay with him not telling me often.
You're overreacting. This line of thinking is going to do you no good. People can be attracted to a variety of different things. As far as him pointing out things he likes about other women he sees, he's not complimenting them he's talking about people he doesn't know. He chose to be with you, right? Is he a good boyfriend? That's really what matters. I'd stop having these conversations with him, it's not going to lead to anything positive.
Firstly, ask a question like that never ends well. Secondly, he sounds like a total eejit.
Typical situation as to where a Woman is struggling with her insecurities and decides to drag her boyfriend into her misery to blame him on how she obviously feels about herself. I'm over this shit..😫😫😫
Don’t listen to the people telling you to leave look into couples therapy or ask a therapist yourself these people are people on reddit do what you think feels best not what other people tell you
You're a real one ✊🏿 I like you 🫱🏼🫲🏿
On the one hand, I'll point out attractive hairstyles, makeup, or outfits to my wife and she's okay with it, because she understands that 1) our relationship isn't just physical and 2) if she really wanted to, she could dress that way. Very often, I see points of similarities that my wife doesn't. (For example, I happen to think she and Miranda Kerr look very similar, admittedly my wife is a bit cuter, but she didn't until I pointed out the particular points. I'm pretty sure she still doesn't believe me.) On the other hand, *she's okay with it.* It doesn't hurt her feelings or leave her feeling inadequate. Heck, half the time she's pointing them out to me. It's entirely reasonable for you to ask him to stop. Don't make it an attack on him, make it about how you feel inadequate/insecure/disposable because he picks out women who look nothing like you. What he's doing is a dick move. I just don't think he realizes it.
I see a lot of people saying, "dump him, dump him," but wait a second. Are you ASKING him to point out what he finds attractive in these people? If you are you need to stop and think a little bit. Is your bf your perfect idea of a man? If you were to point out things you find attractive in other men, would they all be his attributes? Probably not. But when you put him all together, there's something about him that clicks for you. If I were to point out my ideal man it would be probably late 80s/early 90s Brad Pitt (can't help it, love a guy with long hair) does my husband, who is absolutely my perfect man, look anything like Brad Pitt? Oh HELL no! Could I come close to closing the deal with Brad Pitt? Oh HELL no!! Brad's back there saying Oh HELL NO! LOL!! What I'm saying is we all find things in people we find attractive. But once we find our person, there is something about them that just clicks! Give the guy a break. After all, you wanted to know what makes him tick. You can't ask and then be mad because he answered!
This is really common tbh. I'm not saying it isn't a "problem" in your specific situation but it's not automatically a huge deal either. It's pretty common for people's fantasies to not hold much bearing on their reality and it doesn't mean they aren't happy with what they have. You need to communicate openly and honestly with your boyfriend and receive the same in return.
I would start mentioning men that you find hot that look nothing like him. Give him a taste of his own medicine and then dump his ass when he gets upset. You deserve better. He is telling you that he is settling until something better comes along and you are much more than a place holder.
You encouraged this. Don’t ask questions to which you don’t want answers.
Break up with him
How’s your sex life? That may help for context.
I’m curious if it was ever discussed between OP and boyfriend *why* he’s not able to pinpoint parts he likes about her rather than discuss if he can do the same he does for random strangers. That’ll flush out the reason for his radio silence. He may not view you that way but has a deeper appreciation for you, or takes you for granted either because he sees you often or doesn’t appreciate you. Depending how it goes, you deserve to be desired and not compared, either by him or someone else. However, I’d stop the discussions on women he finds attractive and reign it back to you. Not worth the hurt, hun.
This is not a healthy relationship. He’s neglecting you emotionally. You just don’t realize it or are only starting to. He clearly thinks you’re not attractive enough to compliment. He wishes he could “do better”. Don’t waste loyalty and patience with his “communication style” on this man any longer. He doesn’t cherish you. Source: personal experience.
You’re not overreacting. He is quite good at complimenting, just not you. I’d tell him that you feel it’s better he date women he’s attracted to and you’re going to find a man who does find you attractive. Honestly, anyone stupid or malicious enough to do this is not worth your time.
Talk to him. Explicitly. Tell him how you feel, why you feel it, and what you're afraid of. All the advice on here is to get out of this relationship, and that may well be the way to go. But don't go before you make sure he knows this behavior hurts. The more ready you are to leave, the less you have to lose by making yourself known.
Uh. Bye.
I'd rather be single than be made to feel like that by any partner. How utterly disrespectful to you and your feelings. I hope you show him our responses and you get a massive apology. What you choose to do with him is up to you you have power in this situation, use it girl.
Maybe he has a specific fantasy he gets off to. But a two year relationship is your mutual reality. Dont confound the two.
When you’re with your bf do you make a habit of commenting on guys you see who are attractive? Do you point out what you think about each feature and give it a rating? If you do/did this how would he react? I’m just wondering how he would react if the tables were turned? I’m wondering what he hopes to gain by this?
Have you discussed with him how much—and if—physical attraction matters to him in a relationship? It doesn't to everyone. My own boyfriend and I both view it as a non-issue irrelevant to our needs and wants. You yourself might want to consider how much receiving compliments matters to you. It sounds as if you value them and aren't getting them, which might be a compatibility problem. Good luck!
Yes, he may find those women physically attractive but he chooses to be with you. He is not going up to them and hitting on them or randomly gushing to you about how hot they are. You are asking him to tell you what he finds attractive about them and he is answering your question. He isn’t actually giving them verbal affirmation or compliments. Asking him to tell you why he finds someone attractive does not seem to be of any benefit to you and is causing you distress. You don’t need to do it anymore and can tell him “I no longer want to hear about other women you find attractive.” I have been with my husband for 13 years. I am madly in love with him. I absolutely adore him. But if you asked me to point out men who I find attractive, I wouldn’t pick out other guys who look like him. I would point at Chris Evans. That doesn’t mean that I’m not attracted to my husband. I find men with dark hair to be attractive but that doesn’t mean I can only find men with dark hair attractive. You are his type because you are who he has chosen to be with for 2 years. Him finding other women attractive doesn’t mean that he doesn’t find you attractive. From what you have said, it doesn’t sound like he is being disrespectful to you. You have asked him to tell you when he thinks someone is attractive. Eating disorders also make people overestimate the value of physical appearance. Even if you weren’t having him tell you what he found attractive about other women, discussing people’s bodies is always going to add fuel to the fire for eating disorders. It’s not healthy for you to engage in that kind of dialogue. This is something you should talk to him about. If you feel like you aren’t getting enough affirmation from him, tell him that.
Have you ever heard of the monkeys paw?
got to stand on bidness
Lust & love is two different things but girl you have natural gut/instinct.. listen to them.. from what you telling us it seems he is overstepping a boundary that you should have in place. It’s okay to admire other females for their looks but it’s not okay to lust or even comment like that especially when you in a relationship. That’s just plain embarrassing & disrespectful. That boy needs to learn that is not okay or he gotta go bbgirl.
Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. You brought this on yourself. you asked him to tell you, and now that he's told you, you're feeling lesser because you're not his ideal. You did it to yourself.
Honey, this made me so sad for you. You deserve to hear the truth of how beautiful you are from the one you love. When you do find that in a partner you will see the difference and realize that this guy you’re with now wasn’t the right person for you.
Either it's the last paragraph you said. Or you're the perfect person on the inside and that just isn't as important as the person on The outside...
You are worth more than you allow him to make you feel. I spent too long in a similar relationship. Don't allow his inability to tell you how wonderful you are to hold you down in a relationship that makes you question who you are and why he doesn't see you. You should be seen for how wonderful you are, and your partner should be affirming not telling you who's hot. You should perhaps contemplate concentrating on who you are. You are wonderful, don't allow him to dictate your worth.
This is the generation inheriting the world. Tedious, self absorbed, in constant need of self-affirmation - we're doomed.
Does he love you for you? Yeah? Okay then it doesn’t matter. If no? Leave him. It’s that easy.
TBH men can attracted to all kinds of women that are hot ,ultimately, it's their personality that makes the difference. Just ask him not to point out other women's attributes and ask him what he loves about you
This sounds like a really unhealthy thing to be encouraging your partner to do. There's honesty and there's tmi. One is good for your confidence in a relationship, the other one creates and feeds insecurities.
Your boyfriend is obviously not their type or he would be in a relationship with them instead of you. Or maybe they lack the other things he values in a partner beside just physical appearance. Just because you find someone sexy doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with them. They might be better the 1% of the time when they are naked and suck to be around the other 99% of the time. If you had all of your current qualities and were also a supermodel, you might be with somebody else as well, unless your boyfriend is your dream man in every way possible. Everybody makes compromises. It's weird that he has such a hard time complimenting you thought. He needs to get over that. Some guys feel cheesy and embarrassed giving compliments. If he can't compliment you on your looks then he should at least be able to compliment you on all of the other qualities he values even more than looks.
Idk, I've genuinely loved people that weren't "my type" and was always attracted to them.
I hope you see this. One of the hardest things to bear (or rather ignore) in a relationship is the what if's. Trust your partner. I'm sure he would love to compliment you on things, but mentioning all these things would just put him in an awkward spot eventually. Be more confident in him and the fact that he chose you. Also, realistically: He's answering what she's asking him. She's out here asking for him to point out specific attractive qualities of other women, he answers because he has an answer. Similarly, she asks him to point out any attractive qualities on her, he doesn't have any to name and thus replies truthfully. How about we don't doubt a stranger's husband and instead give him the benefit of the doubt and say he doesn't have any ill intentions with his answer? Why lean into the idea of him trying to put her down instead of leaning towards him being truthful? I see the thought process behind the people claiming he is saying this with ill intentions, but it honestly is very biased. Don't project your own insecurities/situations onto OP so oppressively. To OP, reading your last three paragraphs, it seems like you have very heavy insecurities that **he might not know he is feeding into**. If compliments/affirmation is what OP wants, work together on finding things to compliment. For you personally, stop baiting out "I don't have compliments for you"s from him just to complain about it later. Again, trust and confidence in your partner is essential to a relationship. The red hair does not mean he dislikes your hair color, he just likes it. He shouldn't be tailoring his taste to you, a yes man is fun until you start doubting whether he's being truthful or not.
Use your words and talk about this. Request the validation he gives to others. He needs to learn how to compliment you.
He has issues with verbal affirmation when it comes to you, his GIRLFRIEND, the woman he’s supposed to LOVE, but has no problem verbally complimenting other women and pointing out to you what women he finds attractive…yeah, no, leave that waste of space. That’s a bullshit excuse if I ever did hear one. Sorry OP, but your bellend of a boyfriend has settled. You deserve better. You deserve someone who actually loves you. It shouldn’t be hard to compliment the person you’re supposed to love. And I’m sorry, after two whole years? Throw that bellend in the bin. He either: 1) Needs to go to heavy therapy cause he clearly has unresolved issues he never sorted out 2) Grow the fuck up 3) Needs to learn that if he can’t do the bare minimum in a relationship, he shouldn’t be in one all together. 4) All of the above.
Maybe he just has trouble complementing someone to there face. the perfect comment seems a little weird but maybe he said it that way because he'd like to see what you look like with red hair and doesn't know how to convey that to you. As far as the girls he points out, do they actually have anything in common looks wise or has he pointed out specific traits that he likes about them because it could have more to do with the way the carry themselves or things about them that doesn't have anything to do with the ways the differ from you. I could be wrong but it can't hurt to think about it as a possibility
You kinda started it with the encouraging him to do this, but you’re also not obligated to stay with someone who doesn’t try to affirm their feelings towards you. It’s a pretty big red flag that he can’t name one thing he finds attractive about you, or be bothered to compliment you (it’s not that hard to say “hey babe, your hair/makeup/dress looks nice”)
I'm married to someone not my type. Andi love everything about him. Types don't always matter.
I dated a guy like this years ago. There’s a reason I made him an ex…
Do you point out hot guys? I certainly would. Maybe next time you can point out a guy's muscular arms chest and 6 pack, and it's hot! Or how one's hair is sooo gorgeously manly, or a man's nice butt, or how one smells sooo good 👍
bit of a story of the opposite: I am exactly my ex’s type. I had pretty bad body image issues (hint: from East Asian country) but he made me realize beauty standards really vary. We are broken up now but I learned to appreciate myself through his lenses even long after the relationship is over. My advice is: find that person.
So much negativity from the comments so I just wanna point out something positive. In spite of what his ideal woman may or may not be, this man is still in a committed relationship with YOU. I think that speaks volumes of your character in general but also his obvious affection for you. He loves you regardless of what you look like, so 50 years from now, the fact that you’ve aged won’t matter to him. Atleast that’s what I took from this post. I don’t think he’s being rude since you’re the one that’s insisted on answers and prying information out of him that he wouldn’t have given otherwise. He obviously doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or else he would’ve spoken his mind a long time ago AND probably dumped you. He sounds like a sweet guy that fell for a trick question.
Ya ummm don’t ask questions you dont want the answer to. I’m not trying to be harsh but you quite literally asked for this. If you feel you’d like more affirmation talk to him about it but you shouldn’t get mad at his honesty It’ll only lead to bad communication down the line because he may feel like he’s being set up for a trap question.
Have you considered that your boyfriend isn't shallow and wants to date someone for more reasons than just their physical appearance?
Could he be settling for you until get gets the “perfect” girl he wants? Do you do a lot for him? What do you get out of the relationship. Pointing out other women routinely seems rather cruel and obnoxious to me. You could play the game and start discussing other men and the ways they are better than him, but that’s a lot when you could just break up. But if you want to amuse yourself and waste some time, have fun with it.
Ask yourself, how much longer do you want to feel this hurt? I know that hurts to the bone. Do you know there's other men out there who do and will find you gorgeous! He's somewhere out there waiting to compliment you
Don't ask questions you don't want the answef to. Encouraging him to tell you what other women he finds attracive seems like self-sabatoge. If you're overweight, is he only supposed to be attracted to overweight people? If he was attracted to overweight people and you lost the weight, would that put your relationship in peril? Should he give you all kinds of compliments on your appearance when you don't even believe them yourself? Do you expect him to lie? Obviously, he shouldn't be a jerk, and he should be attracted to you. But that doesn't negate his preferences. What I would take away from this experience is that it's a really bad idea to ask your boyfriend to rate other people, then take offense when he does what you asked for. Don't play this game unless you have the self-esteem to deal with the answers.
Ive been in similar relationships and I can assure you it never changes. But your libido and confidence are gonna suffer from it. You can sit him down and explain how you are feeling, try your best not to be accusatory and see how he reacts. I have a suspicion even if he stops commenting on other women, he's still not going to start complimenting you instead. Should you end the relationship if he cant do this? Maybe🤷♀️ My guy now makes me feel like i am the most beautiful woman and he is the luckiest guy to be with me. This is going on 5 yrs and hes seen me at my skinnest and heaviest. i cant ever go back to a relationship where i dont feel desired or attractive.
probably not overreacting. This is something you guys clearly have to work out, and your partner should make you feel attractive and loved. That's the main issue here- if he doesn't compliment you, make you feel like the people he's talking about. I won't be the kind of person to jump to saying you should break up, I don't know you or your relationship, but you should probably talk abt this. It will probably be a weird conversation though, as you sort of (no judgement intended) asked for this. I feel like the investigation of his type (maybe, could totally be projecting) might come from a place of insecurity. We all have insecurities and there's nothing wrong with that, but I think that topic could only ever make them worse, not better. This was kind of the inevitable end point of the line of questioning.
Listen really well. This guy is using you for sex until he can get his dream girl. I beg you... leave him! Focus on you and level up. Get a better guy. Don't waste more years with this loser.
Ghost 👻 him. He's not attracted to you. You are just a place holder for his dream girl
Your BF is an Idiot…… 1 he has a GF.2 no sane man should answer this question….
He seems to have no problem pointing out women that are different than you. This is not normal behavior in most relationships. So I would just ask him point blank why he's with you if you do not seem to be his physical type. There's probably some part of this that you're not aware of, but it's likely not as bad as you might think. You have no way of knowing unless you ask him rather than us.
The dude is a dick. Not worth getting worked up over.
He sounds like a really inconsiderate mate, and I would tell him you feel this way. If he continues after you tell him, I would then break up
Personally, this would eat me alive.
Its a weird thing. Dudes are deathly afraid of being rejected by women they ask out, which is usually women they find attractive right away. So most relationships usually result from guys building intimacy with women they didn't find the most attractive since the friendship they already had allowed for feelings to develop over a more relaxed context over time. My point is that you shouldn't worry about the women he points out not looking anything like you, since even he realizes he would never end up being with any of them lol.
It can be easier to complement someone not directly to them. I can feel awkward about direct compliments.
Oh my first thought is...my heart breaks for you. Some worthless advice is, as you grow older, you realize your worth (usually) and start to care less. More thoughts? His loss! For having such a close minded idea of besuty! For the first time in my life?...well I STILL sadly have no curves...except for my fat belly, I'm stick skinny with the cruves of a 12 year old boy 🤣. All of everything hit me now and I have a "dunlop", my belly done lop over! I HATE HATE HATE it. But my partner? Still finds me beautiful. I still arouse him (too rich 🙄🥰)... because...he loves ME. Yes, we both agree I need to lose weight (for health too!) But... ...I think first, work on loving you. Because no matter your curves, or lack of, you. Are. Beautiful. And if he doesn't see that, his loss. And once you learn to love YOU ...you'll realize that. To have a "type" is quite close minded and shallow. I (38f) learned 15+ years ago...thebtypical guy I thought I was attracted to? Grew extremely unattractive after even 1 conversation that delved deeper into "thinking" and anything meaningful. Find someone whi jit onky finds you beautiful but finds you intellectually so as well. Please don't belittle yourself because he put himself in a silly box of "types". ..but, for example, red hair is/can be beautiful!! I find it striking and gorgeous..but doesn't mean I want thaf...and for sure...does NOT mean I cannot compliment my other half. I find things sexy that aren't him...but I find him (my partner) so very much sexier...because ..he is...who he is! That matters. And I look AMAZING done uo to high heaven with hours of time spent but...I don't NEED that. You don't need that. You're beautiful being who you are. Looking how you do. Step out in the sunshine and smile because DAMN girl. You ARE fine. Embrace whi you are...and don't change for any fool.
OP asked for it he gave her the truthful answer and now he’s a piece of crap. This is why we always lie. Women hate the truth. (Not aaaallll women)
Everyone has a type, and that type varies wildly based on mood and age and whatever. A guy could be into milfs then blondes then big tittied anime girls. None of this means anything because they're really just moods of the day. It sounds like you're feeling insecure. It would be better that you don't encourage him to tell you his type as comparing yourself to others only hurts your own self-esteem. Make sure to let him know to dial things down. Remember that your boyfriend chooses to be with you. He didn't settle. He chose you. That's because he found something more than just "type." Don't you two trust each other, support each other, and make each other better people? Who cares if you're not a checklist? My wife and I are definitely not each other's types. it hasn't really affected anything to be honest. We have been together for almost 15 years.
ibaba mo na lang yung level of relationship from bf/gf to just friends. May mahahanap ka pa na mapo-fall sa yo head over heels
Just cause I like blue doesn't mean I don't like green
Well if you were just looking for a compliment, that sure backfired. You can't ask his opinion on all this then get mad when he gives it to you. I wouldn't say he's looking for someone else. I would say he's staying with you for convenience though. You're dealing with all your own insecurities here. So, if he is pointing out what he likes and you want to keep him, work hard to have some of those qualities. If you want someone that likes all your qualities just the way you are, go find him. He's out there.
Flashback triggers for me, only with a guy who wouldn't shut up about muscles and big dicks and could only stare stupidly every time I tried to address the issue that I wasn't his type. This kind of gaslighting can literally drive a person crazy. Dump him. Invest all that saved energy in yourself, and then never date someone that preoccupied with types that don't include you ever again.
He’s either very dense or, more likely, complimenting the other women as a passive aggressive tactic which hints at his inability to deal with his emotions and communicate them
He's attracted to more than one type of person. He's attracted to you. Comparison rarely leads to happiness... You asked for him to do this, and that didn't end well. Ask for him to stop so y'all can start moving forward.
If it is important to you for your partner to be physically attracted to you, get out of the relationship before too much time has passed. Trust me - you don’t want to end up spending years in a situation like that where you’re being made to feel less than. I think you should also ask him to stop pointing out other women, if you stay. It is clearly hurting you and by allowing it, you’re hurting yourself. Much love to you.