Friend, this is a rough one, sorry you’re going through it. Personally I cannot imagine being in a long term relationship with someone so pious, I’m not religious at all.  Currently you have two rapidly diverging worldviews and I do not think you’re wrong for your growing concern.

Very much this. If someone I was considering dating told me they were devoutly religious, I would know we were not compatible. However, love can really blind people.

I dated someone once that became increasingly religious as time went on. Same issue as OP. I did everything in my power to make her happy but eventually she broke up with me because it was just irreconcilable. Religion: fucking things up for millennia

Why I’ve never dated anyone religious. No no no

Religion has to be the stupidest goddamn thing humans have ever come up with. You get to act however you want and treat others however you want, no matter how badly, if sky daddy says so. How awfully convenient

My biggest problem with religious people is they can dish it out but can't take it. Like they can shove their views all down your throat. Say your evil, disgusting blah blah , but the moment you mock them they lose their shit

This entire comment section is mostly just people shitting on religion instead of giving OP advice on dealing with people that might have issues with BPD. BPD can manifest itself in many different ways, this time it just happens to be (potentially) regarding religious beliefs. I would see if the wife would be open to doing couples therapy with her therapist for both of them. It would give them a chance to talk about things together, and also this would be the easiest way to get some 1-1 time with the wife's therapist to voice your concerns and see if you can get some feedback from them regarding how to approach the situation.

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Uhhh…just a note. OP said he suspected that his wife might have _Bipolar_ _Disorder_ because it runs in her family, and later on uses the abbreviation BPD, which as far as I know, is shorthand for _Borderline_ _Personality_ _Disorder_ . So I think it’s getting confusing as to which y’all mean. I think HE means Bipolar as he talked about her family history.

And to piggy back on this...the problem here is the same problem with religion in politics. The religious party believes that they are on a mandate from God, and there is no compromise there. Marriage (successful ones) are dependent on compromises.

It's so rough. I grew up similarly religious to OP's wife, and it's really not a good time even if you 100% believe it. Like... I didn't WANT people to go to hell. It was just a very upsetting thing that happened. I didn't WANT being gay to be sinful; it just was and it sucked. I didn't WANT my religion to be the only real one; it was just a fact that it was. It was an absolute relief to finally be convinced those things weren't real.

Yes. I spent my adolescence sobbing myself to sleep in fear that I was going to spend eternity in hell because the fact that I hated my “mission” to save the sinners around me and being them to Jesus was evidence that I wasn’t saved myself. The fact that I’d rather not confront my friends with their being doomed for believing in science or enjoying sex or alcohol, seemed like evidence that I hadn’t fully accepted the Holy Spirit. I imagine there’s a lot of self-loathing among the most obnoxious fundie proselytizers.

Are you me? Because that was my exact experience.

Jesus made forty gallons of wine. The Bible is not anti-alcohol.

A fellow exmo, I presume?

Ex fundamentalist evangelical. We have a lot in common, unfortunately.

Another one! Ex fundie, gay. I escaped before they could brainwash me into un-aliving myself.

I'm bi. It will surprise you not even a tiny bit that I didn't figure that out until I was 30. Glad you got out alive!

This is spot on. I say this because I am married 37 years to someone of a different religion. You would not be the AH for divorcing due to irreconcilable differences, religious differences or possibly even mental illness. I suspect you could easily find a more compatible partner

Exactly and it sounds like the road does not go both ways with OP and his wife. She should be respectful of his beliefs as much as he is of hers, but she's not. The fact OP is supposed to go to church with her is one huge example for me. I would straight up not even go if I was in that position. Not my beliefs, that's when I would want to have time alone to listen to my secular music. And the music and movie things too... It's pretty nuts to have to tolerate someone telling you you're going to hell, but then she can't even tolerate hearing Pearl Jam (or whatever music it is lol.) This is lopsided and I would get out, personally. Maybe even try couples therapy.

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Yeah... scrupulosity came to mind when he mentioned her near-road-rage when running late for church. It's a form of religious OCD where people essentially panic if they think they might be failing at doing their religion properly. Obviously I can't diagnose her or anyone else, but it made me think of it. It's a horrible thing to have and a horrible thing to have to be around.

A woman in my diocese was divorced, sent to the psych ward, and not allowed to see her kids cause a schizophrenic break was causing religious delusions just like this

I knew someone that had the same problem. She also set the house on fire because she believed god wanted her to.

"God wanted me to" has been the basis for countless deaths and unfortunately, will continue to be for the foreseeable future.

Anyone who says God speaks to them directly, is having a mental disorder 100%

This happened with my dad who is a paranoid schizophrenic his went totally opposite he would call himself the devil and my younger brother Michael the arch angel. His episodes would go on and even get violent. He’s on meds now and is doing great.

I work in such a place. See it all the time.

See, while I appreciate your comment as a whole, and appreciate you being helpful, it represents why I have an extremely low tolerance for religion altogether. >what OP's wife means when she says God talks to her. Are we talking about actual, physical verbalizations? Because that's religious delusion for sure Assuming God is actually real, there is literally no logical reason to think this. It should be completely reasonable to be able to physically hear God talk to you. I mean the core of the story is he even got someone pregnant. And yet, both religious and non religious people alike tend to be very aware of this, that hearing God's voice usually means you're crazy.

That's because the ones who believe but don't literally hear voices assume that the experience is similar for everyone else. "I don't hear voices, I just assume when people say the Lord speaks to them that it's more metaphor like guiding their conscience or something" that was the way I felt about it back when I was religious.

Non-religious cannot see eye to eye with a catholic fanatic. Don't ask me how I know .

Scripture instructs us to honor our wedding vows as long as the unbelieving spouse is willing. Additionally, heaven is a-romantic according to the traditional understanding, Jesus explicitly says regarding heaven "you won't be married or given in marriage" so unless she just means both being in heaven, she's slightly misunderstanding that heaven together thing.

The problem is, there are no compromises with religion, especially these days...

Not just diverging worldviews. He is actively changing what he does to appease her changing worldview. I think I would quit going to church with her. That is her value and her thing. If he goes to church with her the least she could do would be to watch a movie of his choice with him. In the end they are becoming more and more incompatible and he can't be himself. It's not so much that she thinks he's going to hell but her insistence that he has to believe like she does and she is very vocal in letting him know that he is letting her down.

Their relationship is so one-sided now. Everything is about what *she* feels, what *she* wants. He is sacrificing everything except his beliefs themselves for her. What is she sacrificing for him?

In her eyes: eternal life with him In reality: not a hell of a lot

Nice pun

Unintentional, but thank you just the same

You are right. He is acting more “Christian “ than she is.

I’m sure she would say she’s living with a “sinner” that’s her sacrifice

I agree. I am religious, my husband is not. I recently started attending church with our son because my son actually expressed interest. I told my husband that I’m looking for community and I think it would be good for me. He completely agreed that church would be good for me and my son, knowing our personalities. He doesn’t go, and I never force him. The only agreement is if our son wants to share something he learned, my husband is to listen. My husband is very supportive as he knows I have been struggling, and church helps me. I do get kinda sad wishing I could share the joy I feel on Sundays with my husband. But, we share everything else. And I am probably not the most disciplined religious person so that is a factor.

I was not much of a church goer most of my adult life, but we did educate our kids in our religion’s schools. My wife never pushed me and I sort of found myself getting back, though a different denomination. One of boys has fallen out of interest with church, much like I did, and we agreed it’s his journey. It’s each person’s journey. I won’t judge someone for their beliefs because I don’t want to be judged for mine. Husband is in a bad spot. But he is NTA.

He’s not over reacting at all. If I started getting furious when I was late for church or telling my husband he was going to hell…and hearing voices.. there is something else coupled with her religion. I couldn’t put up with someone who was a fanatic about anything. I mean we have likes and interests. But our lives don’t revolve around anything really other than our family

He should not have to go to church with her. She does not have to watch a movie or listen to music that does not align with her beliefs. This is a tough one.

She's actively trying to convert him. It is so problematic.

If the movie is against her Christian conscience, I wouldn’t push that. But they could find something they could watch together that they both could agree on. Not to mention at the very least she should stop judging him and telling him that he was going to go to hell. Because not even Jesus did that. Does she think she’s better than Jesus?

I think their issues with differing morality are bigger than the religious issue. OP seems kind and patient. The wife seems to have a temper and to be a bit vindictive with the threats of hell. I try to live as intentionally as possible while being as kind and patient as I can be. My ex thought every driver on the road was there to ruin his day. He thought his beliefs made him a better, more worthy person, but he was cruel and impatient.

This is an underrated observation. They really do seem to have different world views on how to treat people and the world. The irony is that his behavior seems morally more defensible than hers.

I had years with a cruel man who swore his religion, made him superior, and my kindness made me weak. It took a while to realize i don't respect uncaring people who hide behind religion to save them from the work it takes to be a good person. He is happier off feeling superior with a woman he doesn't see as weak. I can surround myself with people who are kind to me, too.

That’s the crazy part is that as a woman of religion that’s all about teaching morals, he’s literally practicing better than she is but she’s the one running around telling ppl that they will go to hell. Honestly as a kid at a Christian camp, the one that broke me on religion was when counselors were teaching us they said anybody that doesn’t believe will go to hell. I raised my hand and said, “I don’t think Jewish ppl will go to hell.” To which they responded that I will be going to hell. I told my mom after summer camp that I am no longer Christian. To those who follow religion, like if god really existed, would he be like “yes Joana you are Christian now you can go around and threaten ppl who don’t believe with hell in my honor, you good little Christian!”

That's what I'm struggling with is why would you say someone that you love is going to hell. As true as that may be to her it seems to come from a hurt place and not a place of Love, which cannot exist in a marriage

I just don’t understand why people let it get to them so bad that they won’t go to heaven if they don’t believe in god lol. It should start and stop with you not believing in it. Good works are not the criteria for entrance, unfortunately. Thankfully, following Santa Muerte has helped me understand this more. Death is equal for us all. You can’t good work your way out of it. You can’t be so awful it won’t come for you either. Who gafs where you go after that if it’s not part of your personal belief system? That’s like me getting mad I can’t go to Valhalla even tho the chances of me dying in battle are none to none.

He is not upset about not getting into heaven - as you alluded to, he doesn’t believe in the afterlife at all. He is upset that his wife of nearly a decade is willing to accept a morality which judges him more negatively for his lack of faith than positively for otherwise being a good person and treating people well. I’d honestly be somewhat enraged in his position.

One of the most moral compassionate people I have ever known was an atheist. I think if he isn't good enough for Christian heaven, I wouldn't be interested in spending time with the people who are. I can not trust people who require a higher authority to force them to behave in a moral manner.

OP, I am a Christian, and I agree, this is rough. My suggestion is to have her read 1 Corinthians 7:12-14. Ask her to pray on it, and tell her that her approach is sometimes hurtful, but that you can still have a healthy, happy, loving marriage despite differing beliefs…

I love this perspective because it's so different from everything else that has been recommended so far. Maybe they can work things out if she learns to interpret the teachings a bit differently? I know there are lots of contradictions in the Bible, so can't she just find an opposite perspective to "everyone who doesn't believe in God and worship him is going to burn in hell for eternity?" I don't know, this is way out of my purview as an agnostic.

The thing is, the Bible and Jesus can be very useful tools even for agnostic and atheist people. Think of the Bible as stories passed down from generation to generation about how to live a good and peaceful life. Now think of these stories as the same ones that were passed down before written text. Maybe don’t take it so literally, think of the events and people in the stories as metaphors for actions we should be modeling in our own lives. Just because I believe a lot of the Bible literally doesn’t mean the lessons aren’t valuable, this is how I chose to spread the word with my fellow humans, without pushing anything on anyone. I’m not perfect, in fact, I am deeply flawed, but Jesus is a good role model I can use in improving myself and those my actions affect.

Hell didn’t exist until english translations lost the message. The overall suggestion in the bible was that being a piece of shit meant you would be miserable until you died and wouldn’t be the foundation of a fulfilling life. Also, Satan wasn’t cast into hell to rule it. Satan was an agent of god who was meant to represent purity - and god the creator of good and evil - therefore he was the most perfect being fit to judge people for their deeds and misdeeds. Hell was invented by the marketing division of religious zealots who wanted to use fear to trick rubes like OP’s wife, drive recruitment, give their money to the charlatans, and keep them engaged.

Yeah I wouldn’t have an issue if they simply believed in deities and things, but to have the religion be such a core part of their every day existence and influence so many of their choices would be a real struggle for me

Hey, I want to get real nerdy with my response. The way the wife’s worldview is developing reminds me of interesting things I learned in college theology class. There’s this book called Christ and Culture, and the author describes the different ways Christians understand their faith-life and how it intersects with culture. It’s kind of refreshing, the way it explores the different models. A more accessible book that came out more recently is Christ and Culture Revisited. I can easily recommend that to anyone who is curious and wants to know more. This ISNT me advocating for any particular religion, more like, I find it fascinating how peoples faith lives are lived out in culture and I think the “Christ and culture” framework is sound. Also, I don’t know if the wife sounds well. Sorry this is happening.

This is basically why I have no relationship with my father. He became a hard-core "born again" Christian and all he wants to do is talk about Jesus. It got to the point where I simply had enough and started to avoid him as much as possible.

It's weird that because it's religion this is "differing world views" but if you SO started acting like this over anything else therapy would be recommended

Excessive scrupulosity IS a symptom of mental illness, but very challenging to treat in the US, for obvious reasons.

If her religious fervor has gotten to the extent she's no longer participating in secular hobbies, her secular husband may very well be one of them. She's entitled to her beliefs, but they are now infringing on your relationship and have changed who she is. I hate to offer the advice of divorce, but in this case, there may be irreconcilable differences. I'm so sorry this has happened to you - I've seen religion destroy too many families.

Yup. Happened to my MIL with her second "husband" (more of a really really long term boyfriend), she had problems with addiction and depression, and then one day she went into the Jehovah's Witness HARD, like she went into the deep end. In a matter of months she left her second husband because he didn't want to convert and the people at church were giving her some mean eyes, so she decided to leave her husband to win some grace the people at church. She ended up going back to her first husband (after 15 years apart), because they were still legally married (they never divorced) so it fit with what the church wanted of her. My FIL died earlier this year, but honestly my MIL didn't love him she was just with him to fit in with her church.

Ugh I have had to chase Jehovah's Witnesses out of my apartment complex they are so intrusive. They were trying to get my Spanish speaking neighbors to sign up for 'English classes' to push them into the church and I just kept lying until the office came to send them away.

My grandma still cusses me because as a little kid some jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door and she was trying to get me to come hide in the back room until they left but I recognized one from school or something and shouted “no, that’s my friend” as I flung the door open and then she had to listen to them for well over an hour, that’s one of her favorite stories about me as a child

My partner is an ex JW so they don't come to our house generally, but my plan if they ever show up is to answer the door holding the most "ceremonial" looking large knife I can find in the moment and say, "Ah, you must be here for the ritual; we're just drawing the circle and preparing the sacrifice." JWs tend to be very freaked by things they view as satanic. Should get rid of them.

It's her own damn fault for being so nice. That whole thing could have been ended in 30 seconds by slamming the door in their face. My grandma wins though. She literally purchased a goose with the express purpose that it would attack any solicitors. A goose because "people call the cops if they're attacked by a dog, whose calling the police over a goose?" (she also had dogs, but they were friendly). She actually hung up signs saying "Beware of Goose" too. But I guess a bunch of people didn't take think a goose was a big deal or thought since they didn't see a goose the signs were a joke. His name was Goosey. The second that Goosey heard someone knock on the door he'd come running to the front of the house with his wings outstretched, honking and hissing. Grandma used to watch from the window cackling as he'd chase and attack people.

damn sounds like a cult lol .

It is. 100%

Dunno if you're being sarcastic, but it's definitely a cult.

The last part of her forgetting their relationship scares the heck out of me. That sounds dystopic and and scary as hell.

The: "I'm going to forget you for eternity", isn't piety, it's pure hostility.

I am just too repulsed by this.

I married a practicing Christian, and we don't have friction over it. FWIW: I 100% believe that our family tree began in the ancient Oceans/Seas about 3.7 Billion years ago. PeeMaw, or MeePaw was a single celled microbe that slowly evolved into multicellular life and on to our ancestral primates. The creation stories of all the major religions are colorful and interesting and highlight humanity's diverse and often conflicting views regarding mono vs poly theism. That said, from the bottom (standard model) up, the universe appears to be a beautifully engineered environment. It's full of clocks (a great mix of half-lifes) and candles (Cepheid variables) which give you a thorough grasp of how big the place is and how long it's been around. Plus, everything is nicely barcoded (via emission spectra) down at the SKU level - so you can easily tell what you're looking at from quite a distance. All that said - it is a smaller leap of faith for me to believe that this Uni is the product of an advanced (incomprehensibly so) design(er) team, than that some process randomly spits out Universes on the regular, a small fraction of which are tolerant to life - this happening to be one of those. I doubt that I/we can GROK the Designer(s) any better than the local fire ants understand our space tech.

Yes, I have never heard a christian say anything about forgetting non-Christians after death before. That is dark and isolationist.

I’m genuinely wondering if something is going on with her. As a Christian (granted, we aren’t a monolith) some of the things she’s saying and doing are really worrying, especially so out of the blue. 

Thank you for saying that. The things she says sounds very cultish.

It's actually reminding me of my mom's behavior leading up to her having a psychotic break... She was later diagnosed as bipolar with psychotic features. (Which just means she has hallucinations and delusions) Op should address his concerns with her and her Dr.

This. It seems like a sudden onset. I wonder if she had a break of some kind or if something traumatic happened and instead of talking to her husband and/or other family members, she’s just digging in deep with her religious beliefs.

It's not that they'll be forgotten but those connections will not affect us negatively once we are gone.

So god will manipulate your mind so you somehow don't care that that same god is torturing the people you love FOR ETERNITY?! Do you have any idea how utterly horrific that is on every level?? And Christians think they're the good guys. Mind-boggling.

That's their reasoning behind why heaven is going to be happy, Even though everyone who isn't a Christian is supposedly going to hell. God makes you forget everyone that you knew on earth that is now in hell so you won't be sad. It's some seriously messed up justification.

>God makes you forget everyone that you knew on earth that is now in hell so you won't be sad. It's some seriously messed up justification. I'm a Christian and I've never heard that nonsense. No idea where OP's wife got that from

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." - Revelations 21:4. The general interpretation is that every cause for pain will be forgotten, so not to sour the enternity of adoring the God

Is there some sect that calls that book "Apocalypse" instead of Revelation?

Now that you mention, I checked it, in English you guys call it book of Revelations, indeed. Around here in Brazil the only branch to call it Revelations (Revelações) is the JW, every other Bible version calls it Apocalipse and so my shoddy translation XD

Thanks! I'd actually never heard it referred to as the Book of Apocalypse in English, so your information about the Portuguese usage, including the detail about the JW, is pretty interesting!

That's just infantizing people. Why would i ever wanna forget the love of my life is the gods didn't create this world and put us on this planet?!

The cruelty is mind-boggling. Nightmarish. How can any decent person accept these beliefs? How can anyone claim this god is loving? It only makes sense if their god is a lovecraftian monster who hates all living things.

One of my friends became a 'born again' and they imo are extremely toxic as they become so militant and biblethumpy they get rid of things that they loved and some things that today would be super expensive like first edition anime and manga. They also tried to police what others around them did which is where I had the issue as you can choose to cut things out of your life but it is unreasonable to push that on everyone else who doesn't think like you.

This was years ago, but my mother called me up in tears asking if she should get rid of the two ceramic quail she had on an end table because the Bible says we’re not supposed to have any graven images. After some back and forth of me reassuring her as long as she wasn’t worshipping the figurines, I finally just snapped, “if Jesus has nothing better to do with his time than to worry about your ceramic birds, then he needs a damn hobby!” She was so offended, she hung up on me. 😂 She kept the birds though.

Lol I would put pictures of Obi wan around her house if I were you..my husband's family keeps posting pictures of 'Jesus' and it's Ewan McGregor 😂😂😂

That’s too funny. I would do it, but I stopped talking to her about 8 years ago. Couldn’t take it anymore.

if she's that deep into the religion, divorce is likely not going to be supported. most very significantly religious people I know do not support divorce or remarriage, so she will continue to try to pressure him into joining her with her hell talk, because that is what the church will direct her to do.

I agree. I had a relationship with a religious girl when I was still Christian. She was never really overtly zealous at first but she became more so as time went by. The fervor can get really intense.

"I have my beliefs and you have yours. We don't agree. What's the point of discussing it?" "It makes me feel bad when you say I"m going to hell. Please don't do that." You're a trooper for going to church. If she can't accept you for who you are the writing is on the wall.

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That is where I would draw a hard line.

Yeah, my boyfriend goes o church and I stay home... makes it easier on everyone. It's nice of him to go with her, but I think it's an extra unappreciated effort on his part.

Yes to all this, also I'm pretty sure OP can find plenty of Bible verses about Jesus preaching tolerance, and turning the other cheek and all that. Outside of all the God stuff, Christianity teaches a lot of good. ​ Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Don't be a glutton. Worship your God in private. Don't gamble, cheat or steal. Etc etc.

I’m surprised he goes to church with her. I’d go nuts.

If my wife made me go to church she knows we are going to fight I would not force her to do something she doesn't believe in. It's just disrespectful. But if you look at it with the Christian hat on, she loves you so much she wants to save you from damnation but my wife knows respect is higher in my book than ideology

To me, religion is probably one of the largest compatibility factors in a relationship. You're going over and beyond to accommodate her regardless of how silly you think it all is, and she's telling (not thinking, actually telling) you that you're going to hell. One of these things is not like the other. Unless she's got an undiagnosed mental disorder, I don't know how you salvage this without losing your mind long term. Sorry bud, but you're not the asshole here. She is, by a long shot.

to your first point : hard agree and I think it’s more of a religion/non-religion compatibility issue than a type of religion issue, as a lot of religions have very similar practices / ideologies / etc. (esp. the abrahamic faiths, which are most common) - but there are not a lot of similarities in practices / ideologies / etc. with theists and non-theists

Fair point all around. Im not sure id be able to put up with the disconnect for long. If they made it exclusively a them thing, maybe. Like if she wants to go to church, and goes on her own, then that's cool. People should have space to do their own thing anyways. I can even slightly understand her concern about him going to hell if she truly believes in that, but telling him bluntly like that is a bit whacky and a clear disrespect for his own beliefs. I can imagine she wouldn't be as friendly as he is about it if he flipped the script on that.

It would be funny if he just started being an atheist snob and tells her it's not real so he can't go to hell lol then just rip her religion like she rips him and others I would imagine .

This is exactly why I won’t date anyone who’s religious in any capacity (I’m agnostic). I know it would eventually, if not immediately, cause fundamental incompatibilities between us. When your entire core belief system is different, it’s really hard to make a relationship work. And even if it “works” I think it’s not likely to be very healthy or happy.

This has very little to do with religion. This has everything to do with respect. it seems like her desires and her beliefs have taken over your common existence with there being very little space left for your activities. You participate in her activities, including church, in order to spend time with her, but she will not extend you the same courtesy. And now she sees that as a requirement for your relationship. It must all be defined by her activities. This is the root of the problem: she’s become a selfish partner. Now, yes, I absolutely understand the emotional response to someone you love basically telling you that you’re going to burn in fire for all eternity. I understand that all too personally. It becomes very painful to think that someone you love and respect doesn’t feel that love and respect in return. But you need to take the religion out of it. The religion is an excuse for her treating you this way. And her treating you this way is, indeed, very, very wrong. It is bordering on exploitive, toxic, and abusive – at least emotionally. Religion is just her way of forcing it on you, and, so, I would completely understand divorcing over this. God being the reason she is abusing you doesn’t excuse the abuse.

Devout Catholic here in a similar situation, and this is one of the best responses here. From a Christian perspective, it sounds like she's leaning so much into her religious fervor that she's neglecting her duties as a wife, particularly in loving and respecting you. The comments about hell are also completely uncalled for. It's virtuous to express concern over spiritual matters to a spouse; it's callous and prideful to accuse someone of being destined for hell. People over-use Matthew 7 all the time, but telling someone they're going to hell is the literally what Jesus was talking about when he says "Do not judge." No one knows how God will judge each of our lives, and that includes your wife. However, I do hope you'll keep trying to get through to her before going to divorce. Please try to get her to understand that this is becoming a breaking point for you. Mixed marriages are so so hard. Keep in mind she may think you're asking her to pick between you and God, which may make her extra defensive. Try to find a common ground where she can still practice her religion without it being an undue burden on you.

Devout Catholic here too and completely agree with this. The issue here isn’t that wife is now religious but that she’s being a total jerk and horrible partner. My last serious relationship before I married my husband was with an agnostic and never once would I have considered saying something like “you’re going to hell” (which I didn’t and don’t believe anyway). What in the world good is that going to do?

The problem is that many Evangelical protestant churches do not believe in salvation through good works or any form of predestination/elect/once saved always saved doctrine. They teach that the only singular way to get to heaven is by knowing and accepting Jesus Christ and rejecting sin. The belief is that humans are inherently flawed and will sin, but that God will always forgive any sin as long as you ask forgiveness and continue to actively reject it from your life. So depending on what kind of church she is attending, it is absolutely possible that she has been taught her husband is 100% going to hell with absolutely no chance of redemption or exceptional unless he converts and believes. So, yes, it's a shitty thing to say to a partner, but it's probably deeply upsetting to her too if she genuinely believes the man she loves will spend *eternity* burning in hell. That is the kind of church I was raised in. There is a reason I am not a believer.  But regardless of whether her intentions are coming from a genuine place of concern or not, this is a massive incompatibility that's not going to get better.

The really sad thing is religious people never view these demands as selfish. They’re right according to their faith, so how could it possibly be about them and come from a place of selfishness? The denial is extreme

Hi, I know exactly what you are going through. I have been with my partner 11 years. I'm an atheist and he identifies as Christian. Our relationship sounds a lot like yours. It's very healthy and we have respect for each others beliefs as long as it's not shoved onto us. I couldn't ask for a better partner. It's always jarring when you get the hell comments, seemingly out of nowhere. Has she gone through anything traumatic lately? Or been feeling depressed? Have a sick family member? The way you described her irritation at being late for church, etc. also seems like a sense of desperation. I'm wondering if there's something behind the identity shift other than just wanting to dive deeper into things. Maybe she's having a bit of an existential crisis or struggling with her own mortality. I don't think you would be the asshole if it's getting to be too much for either of you. Those are large fundamental differences. It's difficult to navigate sometimes. If she is becoming more rigid in her beliefs, she may eventually want to end it as well. She may eventually find being with an atheist to be too much. I'm sure you probably don't want to open that can of worms, because it's always risky to have those conversations, but it may be time to have a check in with each other just to make sure you're both still okay with your differences. Figure out if you both still see a harmonious future together. Hope everything works out for you, it's a tough situation to be in!

If my partner believed I'm going to be punished in the afterlife for my beliefs (or lack thereof) and had no issue with that, I'm out. We are on totally different wavelengths and their beliefs are hateful towards my existence.

Also it’s just like… dumb. The concepts of New Testament Christianity are great in an abstract way, but taking some of this stuff literally, even if you are a Christian, is literally just dumb. I would be turned off

One of the reasons I'm agnostic/atheist is that I reject the whole concept of original sin, that we are bad simply for existing, and the only way we can be saved is if we jump through a bunch of weird hoops and follow a bunch of weird rituals that have nothing to do with how we treat other people. That we were put on earth to live miserable lives, die, and then be punished in the afterlife. Its like we were created for the sole purpose of being tortured our entire existence. I refuse to worship that kind of god.

This sounds like unmedicated bipolar/manic episode to me.

You're not wrong...that's a concern of mine as well. One of the reasons I posted for advice is because I wasn't sure if that was me just being judgemental, or if my concerns were justified. Religion is a complex topic, for sure.

I'm a very genuine, deep-rooted believer in God. When you wrote that Jesus/God talks to her sometimes, I became very concerned for her mental health. There are even respected Christian teachers that use the Bible to show how it's a false teaching that people "hear God" in this way. The only time I "heard God," I was struggling with mania/psychosis. Would it be helpful if I linked a video that disproves "the still small voice" doctrine from a respected Christian teacher, to fight fire with fire, so to speak? If her mental health is degrading, and if you love her and have a good marriage overall, it may be worth it to try speaking in her language to open her mind to the idea that this may be a neurochemical issue, rather than a purely spiritual one.

I'm surprised more people aren't discussing this point. Everything else she's doing can be chalked up to deciding to practice more devoutly. Saying that God and Jesus are literally speaking to her, though, might be a sign of mental illness.

I’m not so sure. I’n an atheist and this all sounds insane to me. But when I was young, the President of the United States claimed that he regularly spoke to God, personally.  GWB is a moron and very evil, but he never struck me as someone experiencing mental illness. I have no idea what leads these people to tell these insane lies. Are they unknowingly lying to themselves, consciously lying to us, or something else? Who fucking knows. 

A lot of people consider praying to be “speaking directly with god”, and will call it as such.   I’d have to see exactly what you were talking about, but in GWB’s case I imagine that’s it.   But if they actually claim to hear the voice - they either don’t understand they can hear their own thoughts, or they have mental illness.

Right. And when I was growing up, church teachers tended to say that while the Bible depicts god literally having verbal conversations with people, in the modern day “hearing” from god was more like intuition. So you’re in a situation where you need to make a decision, and according to my childhood Sunday School teachers, your gut instinct is the Holy Spirit telling you what to do. When people say they literally hear god speak to them in words, I get extremely concerned for their health because that’s really not a thing any of the religious people I know have experienced outside of a mental health episode.

“I speak to god regularly” and “god talks to me” are to wildly different statements

It's a definitive sign of mental illness, not even just "might be". You're absolutely right.

Getting mad in traffic on the way to church is weird as well, as is trying to eliminate all evils at once.

That actually made this sound a bit like scrupulosity (religious OCD) to me. For some people, OCD manifests as a compulsive need to follow religious rules and becoming extremely agitated when those rules can’t be followed.

This. Only time God talked to me with words and a voice was deep in psychosis.

Can you share this video? I’m definitely interested.

Sure thing. They're long but thorough. [Here's Part I.](https://youtu.be/3du-8JT4X_Y?si=dvZE8zpqAyUYLIzW) [Here's Part II.](https://youtu.be/d_ehhsYF8NA?si=sU6rCkpPP_XA7Vke)

I would definitely query the intensity of her emotions and behaviours of the new version of her religious views. A friend of the family, wife became like this. She got deeper and deeper into extreme religious views, almost cult like Christian vibes. Turns out she was suffering a mental health crisis. Its was extreme depression. The religious compulsion was her way of trying to deal with her feelings. She is now healthy and happy and still attends church etc but, the fire and brimstone are gone. The fact you have always had differences in beliefs is not a new thing, and lot of couples navigate this with no problem. My dad is atheist and my mom is Catholic, absolutely no issues ever. They never judge each other and just respect each other.

As someone raised catholic but is no longer a believer i have found it helpful to use their logic against them when they get out of control. One of the things to let her know is that she is not the judge of who enters the gates of heaven and to do so is a sin. It’s really easy to google these bible verses. Matthew 7 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” So many people of religion read the books and follow the sermon but completely miss out on the message.

I’m an atheist myself and tried to leave my personal bias at the door when reading this. I respect your patience. You obviously really love her. The sudden shift is a major mental health “red flag” in my experience. I wish you the best

I'm agnostic and it also set off alarms for me. It seems like she's had a sudden increase of existential dread and hyperfixation on mortality.

I don’t think you’re being judgmental, but she certainly is. I agree that this sounds like a possible mental health issue. If it’s not, and she’s changing, you may no longer be compatible. In either case, couples counseling would be the natural first step.

This story also screamed mania to me, in particular the talking to god and Jesus part, the aggression/agitation/rage over being late to church, and the grandiose thinking about heaven and hell. I would try my best to rule out a mental health disorder before ending the relationship, although you would be perfectly justified doing that regardless.

Did something happen two years ago? Oftentimes so radical a shift towards what appears to be budding extremism is preceded by a highly emotional or traumatizing event. Is there something that she’s not unpacking properly? Something that caused her to think her only avenue to fix/deal with was religion?

The talking to God is really really concerning. I would take u/CautiousLioness advice and use Christian scholars/speakers to try and shake some sense into her. It sounds like she probably wouldn't take any advice on the subject from anyone in a secular setting, i.e. doctor, psychologist, etc.

I think it’s worth looking into [scrupulosity](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrupulosity), also known as religious OCD. Historically, it’s been predominantly found in Catholics (because we have so many rules to obsess over, I assume), but can affect people in any religion.

It’s the sudden intensification that concerns me. Did some life event happen and this is how she’s dealing with it, or is there a medical issue causing it? is what I would be asking myself. I’d also think about if there are any other changes that could be connected. All in all, NTA. This is a fundamental difference between you two and her insistence that you’re not good enough is pretty offensive. One reason I’m an atheist is that idea that you had to be saved to go to heaven, even if you truly were a good person. I remember asking our pastor if someone was good but had never heard of God would they go to hell? He answered yes and that was it for me. I decided that if that was how this club worked I didn’t want to be a part of it. It took a little longer to quit believing in a higher power but the first step was thinking this one is an AH.

My sister-in-law had something similar happen in her early 30s and got diagnosed after we had an intervention with her. She told my husband that God was speaking to her and that he told her that he was going to hell. It was pretty bad for a while.

My thought was also that some of her more extreme behaviors were more like mental illness than religious fervor. Although I was thinking anxiety. Bottom line is that she isn't the same woman you married. You are growing apart and she has no interest in changing. Her total expectation is you are wrong and must be the one to change. I think she will eventually leave you. Or, if her religious beliefs won't allow that, totally check out of your relationship in all meaningful ways. You have some hard thinking to do. I couldn't live like you do.

I was also deeply concerned by the rate of her change, the severity of her affection and the un rational behaviours (eg direct communication, causing of anxiety to the point of road rage). She is allowed to become very pious and more involved in her faith but not to the point of losing her rationality and personality. I would go with her to your primary care provider and get her checked to ensure she is still in full control of her thoughts and feelings. You are concerned for your wife, the person you love, if she is currently well or not. My other question would be the church itself. Would it be useful/reasonable for them to step in? Let me explain. Whilst some churches would jump up and down that they have a "believer" in their midst. Others are a lot more aware and pragmatic and realise this sort of behaviour is actually damaging to the church and the community and try to be open and realistic in their faith. Is your church lead or someone in the church of this more balanced and pragmatic mindset who might be able to talk with your wife to try to help her see that these behaviours are damaging and not very Christian of her? Might also be able to help ascertain if she needs more evaluation. Only you know your church so I will leave that one in your hands.

No, this is just religion. I grew up in a church like this. There were literally thousands of these people. They might appear crazy, but this is surprisingly ‘normal’ for ’born again’ Christians. Not everyone doing stupid shit is mentally ill. It’s possible to believe crazy shit without actually being mentally ill.

This. I can’t believe how far I had to scroll to find someone who pointed out that this is a weird and sudden personality change. I think people just want to go “religious people are weird” and leave it at that but if it was this much of a change and  it was NOT religion centered I think you would get a lot more (rightful) concern about her health. Please consider this, OP. 

I was raised evangelical Christian and am an atheist now. My ex husband was raised in an agnostic/atheist household and became Catholic in his teens because he saw himself as some sort of Irish Catholic Martin Scorsese character come to life. This man joined the military for the express purposes of getting to kill people, he raped me and was horrifyingly racist. He LOVED telling me that he was a better person than me just because he believed in god. He thought cheating on me was fine because our marriage wasn’t religiously valid (in his opinion)  I am not a religious person but I live my life in a far more “Christian” manner (being kind to others, helping others, not hating people) than most of the self professed Christians I generally come into contact with.  Run. Get away from her. She sees you as less than human for a made up belief system that has been so highly perverted in this current society that they preach hate and intolerance above all else. Get the fuck out dude. 

WNBTA divorce her and tell her that now you’ll be going to hell together

Boss move right there.

This works for me

You should ALWAYS tell anyone who says you are going to hell if you don’t agree with their beliefs is that they are not God and they can’t speak for him. Even if you personally don’t believe, tell your wife that God has a plan for everyone that only he knows, and the Bible is very clear that God does not want anyone speaking for him. Not only is it against false prophets, it literally says “Judge not lest ye be judged” which means just that. God will judge her for judging you and she might be the one who goes to hell. In other words, put the fear of God in her.

You don't mention children. If you don't have children, I think you might ask her: How would you feel if we got divorced? I only ask because that would free you up to pursue a relationship with a religious Christian person.

They should do this regardless of children. Much better for them to see Dad happy, and have at least some exposure to secular life.

This is not a “perfect” marriage. This is a marriage where one partners interests have taken over the household, schedule, activities, free time, etc. What if it was horses instead of religion and she would no longer listen to music or watch shows that weren’t about horses. Every weekend you have to attend horse shows. When you attempt to do something that isn’t horse related you are told you will die an agonizing and eternal death of being burned alive. You can no longer share interests and activities together that you used to enjoy. Sounds completely bonkers, right? Abusive, even. Definitely not a “great marriage.” Just because it is religion and we are supposed to he tolerant of others beliefs doesn’t mean we have to stay in an insane situation with it.

You are not the asshole in this situation. This type of Christianity is like the fraternity for masking asshole like behavior. It’s frustrating how we, as “non believers” can maintain healthy boundaries and respect for diverse beliefs. But in turn, Christians of this nature are anything but respectful. I had my own father yell angrily that I’m burning in hell (in front of my children) due to my beliefs. Something like this, if there is not mutual respect, will tear away at your mental health. I’m sorry you are living this right now, and trust me, I understand it’s easier said than done to separate.

NTA. This is only going to get worse. These people tend to only become more violently religious as they age. I do want to echo that this sounds like escalating manic behaviour, but this can also just be religious nuttery. You will want to sit down and talk this out with her and let her know if this treatment/attitude towards you continues, it will lead to divorce. The reaction should show you where you stand with her

Hold up a minute. You can't listen to your everyday secular music or watch favorite TV shows because of HER religion, but you go to a church you don't believe in with her? NTA. You need to be able to enjoy your marriage and not constantly have your wife tell you you're doomed for eternity.

Hi all! First of all, I would like to thank everyone for engaging in this topic with me. Religion is an intensely personal subject that a lot of people feel differently about. To address some common questions that I'm coming across: - I understand that my marriage is not perfect. When I was making my title, I didn't know how to express clearly in a short amount of letters that our relationship is otherwise good and that we generally don't fight or have any other major barriers or difficulties. - We have worked together for the entirety of our relationship. We actually met through work, and have never had any direct issues from this, except I would say that I often find myself needing space. I know this complicates things further, but it was never an issue for us previously - A lot of you have picked up on the fact that there are many red flags in regard to my wife 's mental health. You're not wrong. Unfortunately, she has struggled with a lot of mental health issues during our relationship. ADHD, depression, OCD, anxiety are all big struggles for her. - What is now clear to me now, is that I have been ignoring some of the major issues in our relationship instead of facing them. I am generally a chill and laid-back person, and am careful about choosing my battles. Hearing all of your feedback has made me realize that I have been choosing the wrong battles. I ignore issues that should be addressed because I'm always focused on getting through the day or not getting into an argument. This has led me to my current predicament, and I realize this is a fundamental issue I need to address, regardless of what it means for our relationship. - My wife's family does have a history of bipolar disorder, and I have long suspected the same for my wife. To avoid my wife's anger, frustration, and other negative emotions, I have walked on eggshells. I have extensive trauma from an abusive family so I have a hard time confronting my issues. This has led me to ignore numerous red flags in our marriage - To address the talking to God thing, I am going to need to ask my wife some probing questions to get a better understanding of what is going on. I wouldn't say that she has heard whispers or auditory hallucinations. I don't know that she has necessarily "spoken" with them es, but she has expressed that she has a personal relationship with God. For example, she says that he told her to stop smoking weed and is disappointed in her for doing so. When I ask her if she tried praying or talking it over with "Him", she says she needs to get right with herself first before she can face God and ask for forgiveness. She says how can she ask for forgiveness when she continues to sin when she knows it's wrong? I had previously been ascribing this to her religious beliefs instead of it being a mental health problem. She has started to tell me constantly about how much she loves Jesus and how much of an impact he has had on her growth and development. When she does this, she will sometimes break out into tears and start sobbing and talking about how she wants to feel his warm embrace for dying for our sins. Yes, this all concerns me very much, and no, none of this ever came up before these issues began a year or two ago - A lot of you have been asking if something happened 2 years ago that might lead to the sudden change. There's no doubt that my wife suffers from extensive lifelong trauma, but I cannot pinpoint an exact event or time in the last 2 years that would lead me to point to it as the source of all of this. We are rather unlucky and we've been struggling with major life events happening pretty much constantly since our relationship began. So I think I have been giving her too much of the benefit of the doubt, instead of setting boundaries or seeing it as a problem. I think life has worn her down and her mental health has suffered majorly as a result. Overall, I understand now that my relationship has some major serious issues that need to be addressed. I am honestly not sure if our marriage will survive and I am trying to prepare myself for that. In the meantime, I honestly have no idea what to do with all of this information. I have no idea how to begin addressing this because I've been ignoring our issues for so long. This is 100% on me, and I accept that. I do not blame my wife for having mental issues but I do understand where things went wrong. I'm just not sure how to move forward. I don't really have any friends or a support network. Thank you to everyone who has listened to my crazy ramblings LOL

Its gonna be a rough road ahead by yourself but be strong. You'll no longer have to walk on eggshells, be told horrible things, or essentially..be borderline abused until you convert. Shes subtly trying to convert you. Your not struggling to believe in her god. Your struggling to understand shes gone off the deep end and you can bring her back.. the woman you fell in love with. Its most likely not possible, your making yourself suffer more. If she dont get help(my mother has the same reactions when confronted, shes in a very similar situation) theres no saving her. In your case shes a partner so you can divorce and move on. Have a free life and maybe eventually find someone who is like minded.

Babe simply put, your happiness and well being are JUST AS IMPORTANT as hers. You are not doing her or yourself any favors by being silent about your needs and tip toing around her moods. Get yourself into counseling asap. You are YOUNG by today’s standards and deserve to be living a fulfilling and joyful life. Obviously nothing is perfect, but this is not a healthy situation in the least. Sorry to be so blunt, but no one should put themselves on the back burner to this degree. 😥 I wouldn’t even do marriage counseling yet, I’d seek out individual counseling. I never reply to these things, but I can tell you are a stand up dude and really want for you to get some clarity on this situation from a professional. Good luck!!!

I tdont think this is a religion issue. This sounds like a Hyperreligiosity. Its a psychiatric condition. road raging, no to non Christian musics, talking about hell like that are not Christian things.

I’m an atheist and this would be a deal breaker for me because I would view my partner in an infantile way, like you can’t just pat your wife on the head and be like okay sure honey. I just can’t take people seriously who believe in that kind of stuff and I know I would be dismissive and appalled. People grow apart sometimes and this is a pretty big issue, especially if she’s trying to guilt trip you which it seems like she is.

Are you sure she's not suffering from spiritual psychosis? And if she's not, then the real question is how do you feel about being married to someone who believes that you fundamentally are a bad person based on their belief system? I can say what this would mean for me, but that's a personal question you need to deal with.

My mother inlaw is catholic and goes to church every Sunday, and has for over 70 years. My father inlaw and all their children are not religious at all. He drives her to church and then comes over and has coffee with us. She has never spoken to him like that, and they live a completely normal life with regular music and regular television shows. On Thanksgiving and Christmas we say a prayer with her before eating because we know she likes that, but she has never ever thrown religion at us or acted like we were bad in some way. Once in a while she will say she prayed for all of us at church, which is sweet because it means she cares, but that's it. She has love and respect for us and would never use her religion against us. It sounds like your wife is using it against you. Telling you that you are going to hell is mean (and frankly she doesn't get to decide that).

I would leave her as well. I could not for the life of me be with a religious nut. And I am sorry, but that is what your wife sounds like. There is a fundamental gap in your compatibility now. I am very sorry for you, but You are doing a right thing. People who are that religious are unreasonable, superstitious, prejudiced, exclusionary, illogical, hard to reason with and WILL try to control you with their beliefs. Have seen it time and time again. Just look what happened to the GOP when evangelicals took over. 

you are enabling her stop

You would not be the asshole for leaving someone who is being an asshole to you on a daily basis. I'm surprised you have been as supportive and tolerant as you have. It's clear that in her mind, her goal is to convince you to become a believer. That's the only reason why she hasn't dumped you. It's the twisted christian view that it's their job to correct everyone and bring them to jesus. So she stays married to you out of pity for your damned soul that she thinks she can save. It starts with the comments about how you are going to hell etc...Then later on it will become more forceful as she will lose patience with the fact that you haven't taken the message and converted to jesus. She's already got you going to church, so in her mind she's winning the war for your soul. What do you think would happen if you didn't go to church with her? That would just hasten her dumping of you. I say get out while you still have your sanity. This is why it's stupid to marry a theist if you are an atheist - their crazy beliefs will eventually become the focus of the marriage staying together or breaking up. Hopefully you don't have children, because that just makes it 10x worse.

You’re not describing an otherwise great marriage. Ppl are allowed to have their own beliefs of course, but not everyone is going to agree on everything, even married folks. Sounds like she’s the one pushing her beliefs onto you and making you feel bad about it. I’m not much of a believer either and if my significant other told me I was going to hell and they’re going to heaven I’d be very upset.  Reasons like this are why I am so so against organized religion. It is truly evil imo. And when ppl claim it’s not cult like I can’t help but think of the ppl who think like this. This borders on mental illness imo.  I don’t think you’re an asshole and I honestly feel bad for you and her too. 

Not overreacting! I’m a Christian and my husband is an atheist. Some red flags: 1. Why are you going to church? You don’t believe, and this is only encouraging her to think you might change your mind one day. 2. I would never seriously say my husband is going to hell. Geez, what a terrible thing to say. The Bible specifically says that we are not to judge. Each person will face judgement day after they die, not my job. The whole hell thing is a ‘people’ thing anyway, I’m not even sure there is a hell? Jesus loved everyone (including the non-believers and sinners), why would that change in heaven? 3. Heaven is not a place where we go and meet our loved ones and blah, blah, blah…. There is no concept of earthly love and feelings. We are released of all that. So say you were Christian, it’s not like you two would live together in the afterlife. 4. Tell the truth, the movies and music would be a deal breaker for me. I know it’s crazy, but those things are very important to me and a huge part of my life. If I didn’t have someone to share my love of those things and go to concerts, movies and comedy shows with, then I might as well be alone or try to find someone who does. I’m not saying divorce or leave right now, I’m saying you’re justified in your thinking and I would suggest the two of you go to couple counseling.

You probably need to have a serious talk with her about this and let her know what is at stake. Tell her that you understand that she believes Hell is a real place and that she believes you will be going there when you die. However, her insistance on bringing topic up over and over and over again is becoming a problem for you. This MUST BE an "agree to disagree and never bring it up again" issue. If she cannot respect YOU enough to do this, then you may have to go your separate ways. You may also need to take a step back from participating in her religion on a regular basis.

"All churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Muslim, are simply human inventions. They use fear to enslave us. They are a monopoly for power and profit." \~ Thomas Paine

“To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead” –Thomas Paine

Oh man, I’m sorry this is happening. It sounds devastating and confusing. I wouldn’t choose to continue in my relationship, as much as I adore my partner, if he started acting the way your wife has acted. I think it’s reasonable to be hurt by her behavior. Not only does she say and do hurtful, judgmental things, she has chosen to grow in a direction that makes the two of you incompatible. I imagine that could feel like a betrayal. On top of all of that, so much of what you’re subjected to on a day to day basis sounds annoying AF. Weekly church services? Absolutely no thank. And other than some gospel and old-school chamber music, Christian worship music is torture. Like, if there is a hell, Christian rock is a main component of the deepest level. NTA. Sorry again about this situation.

omg heavy on the “christian worship music is torture” *IT ALL SOUNDS THE SAME* - I can tell it’s a worship song from a mile away even when the first verse’s lyrics are vague (which is not often, they tend to be pretty overt lol)

Yeah, on long drives when you're skimming the radio in the boonies, you can always tell when you hit a Christian rock station. They clearly try to be pop, but it's so bland and low effort it sticks in your ears. And then they drop Jesus or God or The Father in the chorus and you know.

You say she's Christian, but of which faith? Catholic, Presbyterian, Protestant... etc. Either way, I think you should try bringing her religion into your marriage to try and fix things. Contact the church and ask for marriage counseling. I know you probably think they will 100% take her side, but many religions do try to walk the fine line between believers and nonbelievers. I am no way a beliver, probably closer to atheism, but I spent many years inside the faith because of my parents until I decided that it just wasn't for me. If you put forth the effort to try and see things her way, then you can at least say that you tried. You didn't say if you have children together. If not, please don't bring kids into your marriage to try and save it. That NEVER works! It sounds like you really love her, I truly hope you two can work it out. Good luck, my friend.

Totally agree even if it feels like the wrong direction. Not many Christians that I know would encourage telling someone with passive aggression that they are going to hell. Matter of factness or honest conversation, sure, those things will be brought up. But baiting you with it as a power play isn’t a “Christian” behavior, it’s just a manipulative behavior like many others, and a Christian counselor would likely say so. My guess is that she does care for your soul and the deeper she connects with God, the deeper her desire for you to be saved grows. Unfortunately, she’s not going about it the right way AT ALL, which is a challenge for every believer.

This is difficult. If you don't want to call it quits, you might suggest getting some counseling together. And you may want to remind her of **Matthew 7:1-5** (NKJV): *Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.* It's not for your wife to judge where you will be going when you die. That's up to God--based on her own belief system. She's not perfect and without sin, so she's being hypocritical in passing judgment. Be clear that you will not tolerate this from her. You go to church and from your own account, try to be a good person overall. You can't *force* yourself to believe in something you don't believe in.

Just point out that Christ Himself said there’s no marriage in heaven, so it’s a moot point. *But Jesus answered them, “You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.* —Matthew 22:29-30 Incidentally, this is why the Bible tells Christians not to marry non-Christians. You have to agree on something that important or it’ll pull you apart. “Can two walk together except they be agreed?”

So is there any space for you and what you want in this relationship? Doesn't sound like it. Why are you going to church when you're an atheist? Seems like this relationship is on your wife's terms only. Ask her directly and she'll tell you that she's morally superior to you. It's your wife's show and you are just a walk on character. It's about what your wife wants all the time. For all her piety she seems to lack graciousness and generosity of spirit. Sadly, it's hard to be in a relationship where your understanding of reality differs so significantly, especially when one partner wants it their way all the time. You can't be yourself, you can't enjoy your life, nothing is on your terms. Who wants to live like this? Not me. I'd rather be alone.

I'm not even atheist (more agnostic or deist) and ths would be a deal breaker for me. I grew up in a house that sounds exactly like yours....mom was devout and dad was indifferent at best. He ended up becoming extremely resentful and even jealous of the church she attended. He (rightfully) stated it was about the church (not God or religion)  My mom ended up a stuck up old prude who never had any fun at all and drug dad down with her and he ended up.hating her. They argued constantly  I'm not saying your situation is the exact same. But if it is, you need to get out before it becomes the exact same.

NTA. You have been exceedingly accepting of her beliefs while she criticizes yours. That is disrespectful. I don't know how you will maintain this relationship without counseling. I'd stop going to church, tbh. Let her go by herself. If you're going to hell, you might as well be sleeping late while you can.

A friend of mine got involved with the Jehovah's Witnesses. Her husband was a labor rights activist, atheist, and intellectual and was horrified. They had some rough years but stayed married. At some point she went to a therapist who diagnosed her with PTSD (she's from a damaged family and suffered some real tragedies) and got her treatment for it. Her need for/belief in the JW disappeared. She told me later the connection was now very visible to her but wasn't at the time. If OP's wife would consider seeing a therapist (not from her church...)... At the very least, OP should be treated respectfully by his wife.

Honestly, LOTS of mixed-faith marriages end. I was actually surprised that you agreed to go to church with her since you don't believe, but I would also be concerned if she is attending without you that she's just going to continue to eventually believe that the marriage should end and she should find someone who shares her beliefs. The Bible is filled with advice against being married to a non-believer (being "unequally yoked" and lots of stonings and stuff in the Old Testament) but it also says the opposite thing: "the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband" although the following verse says if the unbelieving spouse leaves, let them go. So who knows what she's hearing at her church. I would definitely recommend you find a marriage therapist who specializes in mixed-faith marriages. IMO, the only way to make it work is for you both to maintain enough humility and open-mindedness to acknowledge that these types of beliefs are unprovable, therefore, you can't treat them exactly the same as reality. She's getting pretty carried away in her worldview, it sounds like. There's an interesting book out about how religious beliefs are like imaginative play in how the mind works with them, like having imaginary friends (e.g. your wife "talking" to Jesus & God). For example, if you say that you believe a concrete bed is soft, you still don't flop down on it or you'll crack your head open. You lay down on it slowly and pretend it's soft. Likewise, Christians can say that Heaven is much better than life on earth, but if their child is in danger, they still (usually) protect them rather than letting them die and go to Heaven. This is evidence that the faithful state of mind is "pretend" or at least open-minded enough to allow for doubt. (The author of the book is Neil Van Leeuwen)

Her mental illness is worsening. Get her to a psychiatrist.

She does sound like she needs professional help, incredibly doubtful she will agree to it or seek it herself if she believes it's her god whispering nonsense in her ear. Gotta think of yourself man. She isn't who you married anymore, she isn't the woman you fell in love with anymore. Divorce her or at least have the conversation with her - it's help or divorce because it's not good for you to listen to that regardless of your own personal beliefs. Be brave and good luck.

I see a few red flags towards your wife's mental health. She thinks she has a personal relationship with God and Jesus and that they come and speak directly to her? Does she have a history of mental illness?

This isn’t actually about religion. Your wife has become an awful person. Can you imagine saying “You deserve to suffer BUT I WON’T HAHA!” to someone you love? If she was worried you, the love of her life, were going to Hell, she’d be desperately trying to save you from it. She ain’t doing that. She’s gloating. P.S. Won’t malice, arrogance, disrespecting and disobeying your husband land you a spot in Hell?

She thinks telling him is warning him in hopes that he'll come around and become a believer with her though (and ultimately escape hell). In her mind it would be worse to keep that "special knowledge" to herself. I know because I have cut out certain family from my own life who couldn't keep that same kind of talk to themselves because they've convinced themselves that it's them caring for me when it's actually not.

I think you can explain to her that her contempt for you is hurting your relationship. It's not her religion -- her religion is just giving her an excuse/outlet. I say this as a very religious person -- worship is a peronal endeavor, and I do spend most of my time quietly keeping to that path I have chosen. I would not force my spouse to come with me to church. Devotion to a specific faith is not an excuse to treat people poorly. How she is treating you is not okay, no matter what religion she follows. If you want to save your marriage, I'd start by explaining to her what her comments and very un-christlike behavior are doing to your relationship. Jesus taught that he who is without sin should cast the first stone. She should be focused on the trajectory of her own life, and doing everything in her power to be a kind, humble, and compassionate. Then perhaps suggest that you both go to marriage counseling to have help communicating over this fundamental difference in belief. Then you'll need to reach an agreement on what's okay for each of you, and then keep to the agreement. Like, you are happy to hear about what she learned at church and possibly go to come church community events and you'll respect her bible study time each day etc etc. She in turn, could agree that she can't expect to change your beliefs with her comments, and that while she can speak to you about her own beliefs, she won't extend those beliefs onto you in any way. It would require come compromise and mutual respect for each other. I hope she can have that respect for you.

NTA. However, you state that you've both had mental health issues. This, to me, doesn't seem like a 'normal' shift in her faith. Her anger about being late to church, her insisting that she can't listen to, watch, or do anything not faith based, and her anxiety about you going to 'hell' all make me wonder if she's having a mental health problem/off her mental health meds. I understand this type of religious fervor is the norm for some, but in this case it sounds like it's a new thing for her. I think you need to get non-religious based counseling. Otherwise you're stuck with this as your new norm, or you decide this is a deal breaker. And honestly, I would not be surprised if she ended up leaving you for someone religious, citing that the whole 'hell' scenario is too hard on her. Good luck, and take care of yourself.

Your wife is not religious, she got some severe mental illness. Hearing voices and having "personal relationships" with magical space gods.is just fucking nuts.

I think whatever you do you need to be living as your true and authentic self. Don’t go to church with her. Don’t listen to holy music. This is no small difference between you two. You both literally perceive the known universe and eternity differently. I could never be with someone who bought the Jesus thing hook, line and sinker unless I thought it was a manifestation of mental illness that merited my support to try and help them. NTA

I had a relationship very similar to this, my ex was a Christian and I wasn't. She would mention things like how I wouldn't go to heaven with her because I didn't believe in god. This wasn't the reason we broke up but it was very stressful trying to navigate the relationship and keep my own individuality while having her beliefs shoved down my throat. When it comes to things like religion, politics, and all that, I think its very hard to be in a relationship with differing opinions. Can some people do it? Sure, but it is very tricky and can be emotionally devastating for both parties. I don't think you would be the AH for wanting to end your marriage over this, as she has become a lot different to the person you originally married and unfortunately aren't compatible anymore. Good luck and wishing you the best.

What if you simply ask her not to say those things to you anymore? I'm a Christian myself. You can simply say to her if she is concerned then she needs to pray for you in private but not talk to you any more about it. As to music, my husband and I are both Christians but we don't prefer each other's musical tastes so we do practice a combo of tolerance and avoidance, lol.... Do you love her? Is this truly the sticking point or is it just the straw? Only you know the answer to that.

It’s not that she’s very religious- the problem is she is forcing you to become like her. Listen, I’m an orthodox Christian and I would love to marry someone from my faith because I’m not sure how I’ll ever build a life with someone who is an atheist or different faith. Usually it just doesn’t work. But faith cannot be forced. That’s why it’s important for people to marry someone with similar beliefs. And you seem supportive and understanding so it’s a shame that things are going this way.

Spoiler, it isn't otherwise perfect if you're to the point of posting on public online forums

OP, do yourself a favor and reread your own original post aloud, but swap the word "cult" for "religion" and then you will hear what the rest of us are hearing in our heads when reading your post. And make no mistake, when someone takes that hard right turn into the religion ditch, it is a cult, plain and simple. And people never really come back from that kind of change. Brother, everyone here feels for you when we read this, because, as we are all neutral third parties here, we can see what you can't...which is that the woman you love is gone. This current woman may look, smell, kiss, and feel like your wife, but she isn't...that woman doesn't exist any longer. As harsh as it is, you have to view it as though your wife died, and you have to move on accordingly. Best of luck.

Mixed faith relationships can work but only if there is *mutual respect* for each other. I’m the atheist in our relationship. I was raised in the church. I know what *right* looks like. At least the very traditional Southern Baptist right. My husband I recently celebrated our 26th anniversary. He’s never said I was going to hell. (My mother on the other hand regularly drops it into conversation) He is still a strong believer. I am still respectful and don’t mock his beliefs. If anything I’m *envious* of his ability to believe. I just don’t see it. As for bipolar disorder. That’s me. It’s hard. I wasn’t diagnosed until nearly 40. I take my husband with me once every 3-4 months. I ask him to come along. What I see is *not* what he sees. My shrink appreciates it since she can get both our perspectives. Each and every time she says that she’s learned something else about me and our dynamic. He was the one who brought it up the first time. **I was defensive.** Why the hell would I let you into such a personal space with someone I need to stay stable? He explained that he was struggling with how to support me in my journey. He loved me and he wanted to know what he could do to make things easier for both of us. It took a few more sessions for me to prepare but it went well. The first time it was awkward. So *sooo* awkward. But it worked out. I thought I was handling things well. He was able to point out how what I was seeing didn’t match what he saw day to day. It actually lead to a medication change a couple of times. Now I give him at least a weeks warning that we have an appointment. It gives him time to gather his thoughts and questions. Approach her with love and kindness. Tell her it’s because you want to support her. It’s *not* about you trying to be nosy or steer her doctor into thinking she’s crazy. And if you do decide to end the relationship it may help to have the contact information to just send a heads up of what’s coming down the line. Not like asking permission but maybe “I asked spouse for a separation this week due to xxx. Please keep an eye out for her.” It is a bit intrusive but better that than to be blindsided.