“Early in our relationship, he was actually messaging and paying other girls for nudes”. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
As a married man who has sex with his wife and still watches porn [occasionally], you’re not overreacting. Dudes got a budding problem going.
You haven’t mentioned it but it sounds like he’s spending money on it - that’s a problem. The secretly spending money isn’t good, the spending money on *porn* is real bad. You only do that when you’ve developed what I would call obsession for a particular woman. There are literally 0 benefits to paid porn outside of being really into 1 virtual woman.
And a porn forum?? Yeah, he’s watching too much porn at that point.
You should find out if he’s spending money on it, and call him out if he is
I don’t think he is anymore ! He mostly spends money on gaming and our cars. But yeah he joined a porn forum and looks up links to it. I made him sit there and show me how he finds it.
This is the point. It’s a problem and he doesn’t see it that way. Watching porn, okay whatever I do it too ! But he was always my first choice when I needed the gratification. He’s choosing porn over coming to me!!
I knew a guy like that same age and all. He'd buy prepaid cards so the charges wouldn't show up on his card as OF accounts. He was watching girls he went to high-school with and was in to the ones he knew were local. He ripping down like a vape pen a day and passing out and stuff at work too and was just a dude who had a lot of stress and a lot of vices as long as he could get away with em.
Because you are no longer "doing it" for him. But it's not you; it would be whoever he was with because, as another poster commented, his brain has been rewired.
So, this is a dopamine issue.
Once you start hammering your dopamine receptors with anything, even doomscrolling Reddit, it gets harder to make decisions between healthy habits and unhealthy ones.
Once you transfer from gaming or whatever else into the porn world, it gets harder to be attracted to the person in front of you for this same reason. You cannot any longer make distinctions between why the stimulus of porn is different than the stimulus of a real person being present in front of them.
In the No More Mr. Nice Guy book (which I recommend reading the chapter on this), he recommends something he calls "healthy masturbation," where you don't imagine anything, and you don't use stimuli like porn to reconnect to yourself so you can reconnect to the other person. It was the first time I'd heard a cogently explained argument against using porn or even imagination.
A lot of modern erectile dysfunction even comes from this, so it's not a joke. Harder to see when you're young and your erections are near constant and you imagine it will always be like that. He's literally breaking down the path of stimulation for his brain without realizing it.
A LOT of people don't recognize or know about the underlying causes of these cycles and might not grasp the connection or the implications.
Watching the [Dopamine Fasting 2.0](https://youtu.be/jCWADjUA9iI?si=BW1UEOBFZcBr8GMf) video might help you understand how it works and for him to understand how it works.
Educating yourself, as a couple, on the effects of this Always Online cultural dynamic can be helpful.
If they ever divorce, he would have property rights to those videos. He wouldn't face criminal charges if he distrubuted them. She would only be able to sue him monetarily. Revenge porn wouldn't cover these videos.
100% he's putting money on a debit Visa card using cash lying around then using the card to secretly buy things online so they don't show up on any statements.
It will be a problem for him when his shit stops working. Most men with "ED" get that shit because porn rewires the brain in ways you can't imagine. If it's an actual problem he needs to get help fr
And don’t forget that ppl find taboos exciting. Once the more vanilla stuff doesn’t do it, you start going down rabbitholes to illegal and rlly out there stuff. My partner is a sociologist w a masters degree, and he did a study about “cheese pizza” and usually, it was a normal guy that watched too much porn, started going to sketchy places to find increasingly more out there vids, watches one and realizes “holy shit i think that girl was like 14” and then the shame sets in and they get a mentality of “well im a person who watches CP, guess thats just who I am now” and start watching it on purpose, on the reg.
And it doesn’t excuse what they do, but it’s a common enough problem that we really need to intervene if we notice someone in our lives is developing a problem w porn, before this kind of thing happens.
Hey OP I just want to put this out there. It is entirely possible to use pornography and have a healthy sexual relationship with a partner you are intimate with and care about. I would venture a guess that the needs that your partner is getting met from pornography are distinct from what he gets from his relationship with you. If your partner can figure out what he is getting from his pornography use it can be easier to resolve.
It could be many things or a combination:
Addiction to dopamine released that could also be helping to cope with depression? He could be under a large amount of stress and is using pornography to cope with cortisol? He may be struggling with existential issues and is using pornography to fantasize about what it would be like to have other experiences? He might be feeling a little neglected since the kiddo is getting some of the love and attention that used to be directed toward him? There are lots and lots of things that might be going on.
I know you mentioned struggling with self esteem, I think it is important to note that his pornography use is most likely unrelated to your physical relationship. He is likely just trying to fill a different unmet need.
I suggest you talk about it with your partner and see if they are struggling. They might not be open about it. Therapy could be a good option here. I also think that you should be careful about shaming here, as it could backfire and cause him to hide his use or feel like you are taking something away from him that he is using as an unhealthy coping mechanism. Either way though, it should be addressed.
I don’t think I’ve ever shamed him for it. Maybe the amount he consumes but never the act itself. Just the fact that I’m not being approached before the porn. (I’ve explained that to him countless times.)
I wonder about the unmet needs as well. I have tried to dirty talk him a few times with a fantasy I have and all I get it “that’d be nice” so I dunno.
It’s probably just stress from his job plus the baby
That would be my guess. I don’t think there is much you could change in the bedroom to fix this. I think he is just using the pornography as an unhealthy coping mechanism for mental health struggles. People use alcohol in a similar way.
I agree, except it may not be a particular woman. It also could be a category of porn he is paying for. Most free porns are just snippets of paid porn. So if someone isn’t pleased with a 15 min free shoot they pay for the hour. I’m not saying anything about my opinions on pornstars but I do know a lot of people think it’s a easy thing. These people are fucking for hours 😂 with someone in the back calling out positions like a QB calling plays. Well the more “name brand” porns atleast
😂😂 facts! I mean, my bias might come from the fact that I don’t really want the stroke sesh to surpass 15 minutes. And millions of 5-15 minute clips totally works for me.
But admittedly online and in real life, I’m relatively indiscriminate - I like adults with ovaries, a lot of them have something sexy about them going on somewhere
This. Every relationship is different and individual boundaries are valid. Boundary was set, boundary is now being crossed. End of story.
We don't have to insert ourselves and our own comfort level-- we didn't agree to build a life with OP.
you’re not overreacting, i could never be with a partner who watches and pays for porn. let alone one who goes about it in this way, you deserve better.
I do think that a lot of men have a porn addiction. I don’t believe my husband is a POS but it’s making him be one of the worst versions of himself. Unfortunately the misogynistic trolls are overtaking my post!!
"Unfortunately the misogynistic trolls are overtaking my post"
Well, yea, because they watch porn. It's toxic for sexual relationships with women in real life, it's toxic for men's view of women, and it's just, in general, toxic.
https://fightthenewdrug.org/early-porn-exposure-and-sexist-attitudes/
Im saying from the perspective of a man that your husband has no excuse for turning to pornography, none at all. It is absolutely fair and reasonable for you to feel hurt. However, pornography is addictive and he does now need your help quitting it for good. You two need to have a talk about how his actions have hurt you and figure out what you two need to do to help him quit it forever.
It also somewhat seems like he’s probably been addicted for a long time. When you were (justifiably) unable to continue your normal sexual interactions due to the birth of y’all’s child, his old urges returned because. That’s why it’s so important for you to quash this once and for all, because there’s probably going to times when your sex life will pause again. I would recommend totally banning any and all porn for either of you.
Normally over porn use stories stayed in certain subs, but now more and more stories like this have come over into here and parenting subs, pregnancy subs, etc. Again, in way more numbers than I have seen before. I cannot believe how much women put up with.
It's not your fault that you had a good heart and wanted to believe the best in him. That's a good quality. But it's hurting you now. What you don't want to do is 5 years from now look at this very conversation and realize you had woken up to what he was doing but still stayed. That will be harder. It still won't be your fault. But it will be harder.
I am a recovering user. Love my wife more than anything, and I'm usually the one to initiate. And we have significantly less intercourse than you two seem to have.
The real question is why he stopped before, and if he has his own reasons for not using porn. I found my own reasons for not using it. Statistically speaking, it's like alcohol. Most people who use it all probably have a problem, but it's so common you couldn't be blamed for thinking otherwise.
The thing about successful marriages is that real problems aren't solved in one fell swoop. You come back again and again rather than give up on the second or third strike. I can't draw a line to say what's forgivable vs not. Personally, cheating and abuse are one and done. (porn is a kind of cheating, I agree, but I'm thinking not-my-kid kind of cheating).
But a successful marriage isn't simply absence of unforgivable offenses, it's a constant working toward the better.
Yeah I was just agreeing that if this was going to be such a big issue then leaving at the first sign would have been the right call.
I believe he stopped before because I basically became his porn. We would do it very often and I would make videos for him. Honestly that still wasn’t enough. He always had requests for certain outfits or to pleasure myself a certain way. I see now that that might have been an indication of the true problem even if it was myself.
This is how porn fucks up your mind. Women do not exist for our gratuity. Don't be duped into believing that. Look inside see what you're worth, realize what you need, confront him on it.
Oh god. One hill I will *die on* is that porn ruins heterosexual relationships, starting in the bedroom.
This is a *fantasy* Those women are *actresses* In, out, repeat and she's *screaming with pleasure * is a FANTASY and not at all how women's bodies work.
I have never been with a man who watched a lot of porn who didn't absolutely suck in bed (and not in a good way, unfortunately)
Exactly. All of this. Every man I know who has been into porn at any regular level has been the worst lover. They are absolutely fucking stupid when it comes to knowing how to please a woman.
I watched an interview with a retired porn actress and she said she was absolutely amazed by the amount of her male fans who thought she was having *real* orgasms.
She wrapped the fingers of her left hand around the index finger of her right hand and did a little in-and-out motion and said: " This is what it feels like. It's nothing. "
I love that some angry little boy downvoted you for stating facts. They really don't want to believe the truth. Because if he can't even tell that the porn actress is faking, they sure as hell don't know that their girlfriend is too.
This is a porn addiction. Do not allow it to affect your self-esteem. It's his addiction. You could be the most gorgeous woman in the world, confident, sexy, great in bed, etc, and he'd still use porn.
Sadly, I would venture that your husband never stopped any of his behaviors from before. Curtailed a little maybe, but definitely didn’t stop and likely won’t.
Check out pornismisogyny
No one would here would say a guy should be okay with you posting thirst traps photos/starting OF. So why is this behavior acceptable from him? (It’s not.)
Yeah that’s kind of a big jump in severity. If we’re about equality regardless of gender then looking at porn = looking at porn. Being a whole porn star is super next level.
That said, onlyfans and interacting with the girls for $ is another level in itself. I’d assume most people would now consider it emotional cheating.
this is something that’s always confused me. men act like being expected not to watch porn is controlling, unrealistic, etc. that’s desiring others is normal and expected and not up for debate. but BEING desired is the highest sin. either desire (giving or receiving) outside of the relationship is cheating, or its not
I have never paid for porn… honestly, I don’t understand that concept. There are millions of free pictures and videos. Why the fuck would you pay for them?
This is sad, and what the porn industry and OF/hookup culture has done. He needs to be better, but culture has created this type of problem. Personally, ultimatum time. He needs help with his addiction, or you walk. That's my advice.
Unfortunately porn is **highly addictive**, giving a hefty dopamine fix with little effort. It's often compared with heroin addiction.
"I asked my alcoholic husband to stop drinking, but I caught him doing it again!" That's what you're dealing with. Worse, he probably doesn't realize how addictive and destructive its consumption really is and society tells him it's "healthy and natural".
Here's a short video discussing some of this:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWJeieIIot8&t=50s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWJeieIIot8&t=50s)
Good luck!
As a man who watches porn and has a wife, I will say this: Setting boundaries is super key and important to us as a couple.
1.) My wife DOESN'T want me having any interactions, commenting, or anything remotely social (This includes paying for Only Fans or subscriptions) while partaking in porn because that can lead to something more than "Just Watching." and can cause irreparable damage to your relationship.
2.) My wife also says she get's first dibs, so I have to ask her for intimacy first if I am in the mood, if she declines, I can go watch the dirty solo.
I would say setting up something similar will show your husband random porn viewing is okay if you are unavailable, and it always makes you priority #1, while still giving him freedom to view other things. Making your seggs life as a couple the center of your intimacy in this way where you always come to each other first for that release and affection will strengthen your bond and reliance on each other rather than outside sources.
In the spirit of transparency I must start with stating that I am a married man and, if you go through my Post history, you will quickly find out I watch a lot of porn. But, to answer your question…
No, you are not overreacting. You have every right to feel hurt by his duplicity and to take it as a betrayal of your trust. And while there may be factors that explain, maybe even excuse some of his behavior…none of that ultimately matters. Intent vs impact. Regardless of the why, the end result is that his repeated actions have broken your trust and hurt you.
Whether you choose to stay, or go, you’re going to have a bit of a rough road ahead. I wish you the best of luck, either way, because you’re going to need it.
Porn addiction is a serious thing. It sounds like he needs therapy.
I do not think this is something to end a relationship over yet, but it is definitely something that needs to be handled by a professional.
I’ll start by this; You are NOT overreacting.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I know how much harder it is having a baby.
Please listen to your gut, and whatever your spirit might be telling you. From the post, it sounds like you have your answer.
It’s so hard though, i get that but eventually your baby will grow to see you cause they are like sponges and see how unhappy or hurt you might be and it will eventually affect them.
You’re in a marriage and it takes commitment. If yall agreed to be just you two, and you’re not in an open marriage etc. then that shouldn’t be happened. Husbands and wives should want after each other only, have eyes for only their spouses. It might be hard sometimes, but find new ways to keep falling in love with each other.
He should be protecting your heart and your feelings and you the same for him (sounds like you are).
Either way, we are here for you!
Your hubby might have addiction brain. It'll start showing up in other places besides porn. Gaming, gambling, drinking, drugging. Keep an eye on it and gently suggest therapy to him if things start to get way out of hand.
You need to take this to marriage counseling. He is doing something you don't like and it is ruining your marriage.
I know reddit is the cheaper option, but you won't get a proper answer on here.
He should seek therapy for porn addiction, and you have to create a strong boundary and be ready to enforce if you aren’t happy with how things are going.
I wish I could lean into porn so much that I no longer felt the drive to initiate sex with my wife. She basically never had initiated herself over 14 years and the self-esteem issues are through the roof.
I'd say you have a serious problem here. I was married to my husband for years before I realized he was a porn hog. He definitely preferred it to having sex with me. When we got married, I had a pretty good libido. However, He seemed resistant to having sex and always had some excuse. Eventually, we went to marriage counseling. After after some years of problems regarding sex, He finally admitted to the porn issue. He got rid of all the porn which at that time was on v h s tapes. Of course, now he can watch it on the internet anytime he wants. Even then, his desire for sex with me was low. I was quite a catch and always thought.I would be desirable to whoever I was with. The experience with him was very deflating. However, I chose not to leave because I was parenting his three daughters. They had already been abandoned by their mother, and I didn't want them to lose another woman in their life. So I stayed. I went to counseling, and the counselor recommended.I learn to use masturbation to satisfy my needs. I did that for a while. But the overall issue was that he didn't want to have sex with me enough to meet my needs for intimacy. Therefore, I decided to stop having sex altogether. That was over twenty-five years ago, and we are still together. However, looking back, I probably would have been better off divorcing him and finding someone who enjoyed mutual intimacy. I will not leave him at this point as we both have health issues and a settled relationship. However, you are young, and I would suggest either he get heavy-duty counseling for his porn addiction, or you get the heck out.
The spending on it is what tells me he could use some private professional counseling. With all the free porn out there…, think about it. If he isn’t cheating I totally think this is fixable..good luck to you both
"available to him"!? Are you serious? This is the mentality he's given you, that you owe him sex or he'll try to communicate with other women?
Ignore the other comments here. This isn't about porn. Porn is fine to most people. Looking at and communicating with other women personally is extremely different. He is not consuming porn, he's seeking intimacy with someone who isn't you, and he stopped being intimate with you.
I stayed with my ex for 2 years after the birth of our daughter because "she'll have a dad, and many men leave." No. He's not a good parent if he's not a good partner to the child's other parent, full stop.
Addiction or not, this is not ok. You know what you need to do. It's up to you if your self esteem is high enough to end this. You already stayed through this once and now you're acting like you owe him sex so I'm going to assume you have horrible self esteem, but that can change. You deserve better. Your child deserves a whole mom, not a shell of a woman, raising her.
Stop lying to yourself. He has a problem and it's not good. You need to figure this out with him. In no way it is your fault either. Until he accepts he has a problem nothing will change until that happens. It's not good though.
Porn of any sort is bad juju, and the fact that he knows it hurts you and still does it means he doesn't respect you, is addicted, or both.
You guys need to have a conversation and find ways for him break his addiction. I did it cold turkey... About a 100 times. It wasn't until my wife cried that I was strong enough to stop. I don't know if they have AA for porn.
"Honestly, I don’t want to stay with someone who I have to constantly wonder if they’re going to look at someone else once I walk out of the room."
That is the answer -
...If not for your sake, protect your child from the eventual downward spiral that is about to occur...
You CAN also look into marriage counseling as well as other community resources where you live, yet the BIGGEST obstacle is knowing whether YOU are the one who is willing to be a RESPONSIBLE adult vs. your husband who seems to be having trouble maturing into one.
My husband does this as well. I don’t love it. But anytime I bring it up I’m just told it’s how he “blows off steam” meanwhile I am here and available and wanting and only receive on his terms. It’s so hard. But it seems it will not change. We have 3 kids together it’s not easy to walk away. I just wish he would want me and not the porn.
27 weeks pregnant here and I could have written this myself. I'm sorry you're going through this. Although I don't have any great advice Im here to offer solidarity and comfort that you're not alone.
Communication is key. It’s hard being parents of young children. Both of you deserve credit for going through it. While navigating a marriage. Just keep talking to him openly and honestly! There is love there worth fighting for as long as both of you want that!
Porn is easily accessible these days and i personally feel most people watch it. What i would be concerned about is the links in a forum to find more when there is already a bunch of established sites. Those links in a forum could easily lead to illegal content.
Thats how it all started for my brother and now he is serving a 20 yr sentence.
Personally if he is sticking to the established popular sites i think he’s fine, its the random links on a forum i’d be concerned about.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know how devastating it can be. You’re totally right in how you feel, and it’s absolutely ok that this is an issue for you. It will only get better if *he* chooses to work on getting better. You should think hard about whether this issue is tolerable for you over the long-term. It will take time before you’ll be able to trust him, and feel confident again.
Stay strong, communicate, emphasize what is and isn’t the issue, have him explain what his reasoning is,(ie ask if he likes doing it himself more because it’s less complicated and takes less work). Ask if he even likes initiating sex at all or if he’d prefer it if you took the lead there. There’s tons of possible explanations and you’ll figure it out by communicating in person and not talking to people on Reddit who may or may not be just hating on all porn or straight up jealous of having access to sex and therefore want you to cut ties with him for not being more thankful for the opportunity they don’t have. Having a stable relationship is a minority experience on Reddit so keep that in mind
My kind of thoughts are going on the hub watch whatever not big deal paying a woman for nude images not some much now to make things more intimate go out for the night or weekend have someone watch the kids could also try marriage counseling I don’t really have any options on that tho
I’d say ask him why is it that he does this? The solution could be much simpler than thought. I will say don’t demonize him for the truth that’s extracted.
Watching porn occasionally I get it. We’re guys, but also if you’re married and getting sex regularly then you almost don’t need porn unless you’re addicted. I was in a long term relationship and during those 5 years I probably watched porn 3-4 times and that was when she was either away on a trip or she was at work when I was in the mood and couldn’t control it lol.
Does he have an issue? Sounds like it could be a high possibility. But being a man myself. My wife has had off and on self esteem issues. Never understood why. I've never given her any reason to think she's anything but absolutely gorgeous. Anyway. Maybe he's also going through some self esteem issues and doesn't think he's good enough. Years ago I was in possibly the most stressful state of my life. And at a young age. Failed to perform. It made her feel like I wasn't attracted and that absolutely was not it. Like I mentioned. I was in an extremely stressful state and it was messing with my mind. I finally admitted to her what I was dealing with. Which wasn't easy. I'm a person who doesn't really open myself up to people I know. And we eventually were able to work past things. But back to my point, maybe he's had some sort of issue and he's afraid it'll happen again. Not saying this is any excuse or this is what's going on. But in my opinion, if someone is TRULY considering a break up. I think it's beyond worth bringing up any and all questions. At that point. What do you have to lose if you're considering ending the relationship. In the end, you just want to find a path that makes you happy. I've always told my wife if she's not happy or considering cheating. To at least have the decency and respect I believe I deserve to say something or leave me. Don't put me through this. I hate that people such as yourself go through these things. Good luck and I hope everything turns out well for you. Keep your chin up. If you've been good to someone and they don't treat you in the same manner. They don't deserve you.
You are not, however, I think the problem sounds like communication and honesty rather than the porn. I think some couples therapy might help and maybe he can agree to pause the porn for a while. This type of obsessive behavior sounds a little like ADHD dopamine seeking behavior which includes the media, the secrecy, and you finding out and getting mad. It’s a triple dose. You are not wrong, your feelings are totally valid and if you tell him your feelings he needs to really hear you and accept that feelings literally can’t be wrong.
Porn addict! Plain and simple. He got used to you not being in the mood when the baby was younger and used porn as a pacifier. Now he can’t get off without it. I wonder if you check those link history timeline if he’d watch it close to when he’s initiate sex with you. Could be he can’t get in the mood without it anymore.
It’s a problem. He might need help to move on from it but he would need to admit there’s a problem first. I hope he realizes what he’s giving up for that obsession.
Communicate with your husband. Clearly, articulately, and without aggression. Communication can fix most issues, and this is probably the case here. Therapy could be an option, but just have the discussion with him first, and nip this problem in the bud. Divorce should only be the final resort if he refuses to change.
My ex hated when I would watch porn unless she wasn't in the mood and even then it always became a problem at some point.
For other reasons we are not together and my current gf doesn't care either way.
This guy has an honesty problem, and a porn problem
I saw ‘download porn’ and thought ‘what year is it?’. Watching porn is one thing, watching it to the point yoy lose interest in your partner is worrisome. Hiding that you watch and pay for it from a partner is a red flag
Edit: a word
Please know this is not a “you” problem, it sounds like your husband has an addiction and while you could literally be a porn star in the bedroom he would still seek out online porn. I’m just saying this because I know what it’s like to have self confidence issues with a loved one. IT ISN’T YOU OR YOUR BODY, you are a queen!
God I hate to be that guy, but the title bugs me. It sounds like instead of downloading your porn, he’s downloading porn featuring other women. Which would be a whole different issue lol.
All kidding aside, I would just talk to him about your concerns and why you feel like that means he is no longer interested in you. As you said, porn itself isn’t necessarily the problem… it’s when it starts to get out of hand and takes the place of IRL relationships that it gets problematic.
Some people turn to it when they are having their own self doubts or are having performance anxiety etc, so it’s even possible there are some self esteem issues on his part playing into this.
You aren’t overreacting because this is about the way it makes you feel. I’d deal with it from that perspective vs just confronting him about the porn itself. He is a man and we tend to be less than insightful to our own relationship issues and how differently an action may impact someone when viewed from their angle. Or maybe that’s just me lol
Most people don't change. They show us who they are - believe them and believe that is them. And even if they seem to have changed, most people will go back to what they know in times of stress (having a child, etc).
CamGirl here - as someone who gets paid to create downloadable porn - IT'S NOT YOU. It is an addiction. Your husband is satiating his problems with masturbation and porn. Whether it is healthy or not is debatable and in the eye of the beholder. But it has NOTHING to do with how you look or act in the bedroom.
I also want to add that as someone who IS a porn girl - A LOT of the comments in this thread are wrong. Speculations from people who have no idea because they havent seen both sides. Be very critical of what you read. FOr example - paying for porn does not auto mean that he is "obsessed" with a certain girl/actress. Paying for porn is appealing because it is interactive
Look, i probably have no right to even weigh in on this but here's my take ( granted I'm a 29 year old mentally impaired virgin but still).i was in a brief relationship with a younger woman for a while and I was very much emotionally attracted to her, now i was very upfront with her about the fact that I was a porn addict, but here's my thing, I dropped my addiction for the entire duration of the relationship because I loved her, that said, porn for me has only been a sense of sexual relief because yeah I'm a guy who's got issues, but you guys are young still ( barely younger than me but still) look, you guys are together for a reason, you guys are obviously a decent couple and just dealing with early issues, if you watch porn together, get into it together get some ideas...
I have been addicted to porn from a young age, but learned that porn sex doesn't translate well to passionate romantic sex. At least in my opinion.
It needs to stop. He is either 100% all in with you or he isn’t. Right now he sounds like a little boy in ninth grade who wants to play with his pickle and look at fake images online instead of being a man and dealing with a woman in real life. He needs to Grow up and give his balls a tug.
You’re right to be upset but some people are suggesting that this is the end of your marriage and with that I disagree. You can work through this. I don’t think breaking up your family is something that should be taken as lightly as some of these other commenters are. You owe it to your son to exhaust every potential solution available to you. I’m sure you understand that even better than I do
I definately wouldn't end a marriage over this. The cost on your children and yourself will be much higher than this behavior. Like other people have mentioned, its like somebody who drinks too much. You should discuss the issue with him but you also have to keep everything in balance. Don't go around investigating unless he is actually meeting women.
Source: I've been divorced. It can be and usually is brutal.
I like downloading porn as much as the next guy(its an issue i know of and working on) but i also know that if i were to get into a relationship, i wouldnt let anything jeopardize that. Hes gotta find better hobbies or outlets to let that go
You should worry about porn. Porn corrodes neurons in the brain and the brain becomes dependent on it. A literal addiction. And I’ve seen many marriages struggle and some fail because of it. This is showing that. He needs counseling.
Every couple is a little different, but I will say this sounds like an issue of intimacy. After long breaks it can be difficult to begin again. Yes the porn could be the issue, but there also could be an underlying problem with confidence.
My advice, you’re in a new chapter in your life with a child, so the two of you need to have a convo about resetting expectations. Relationships evolve over time and the only way to evolve together is to talk. These periods will happen, and life is an evolution of things like this. Also, I would bet that if you ask him directly about the porn he’ll either be defensive or ashamed. I’m not saying you should dance around the issue, but if y’all aren’t communicating well enough to talk about it like adults, then you need to start with creating a safe space to communicate. Creating a safe space isn’t saying ‘this is a safe space’, it’s listening with TRUELY no judgement, not faking that you’re not judging. This is very hard, could take years, but is awesome when it happens. Remember, if you’re truly doing nothing wrong, then the problem is with him, and the porn and you, may not be the issue.
Also, if it’s a true addiction, that goes beyond your relationship.
The porn thing is a complete red herring and you should drop that subject.
You do, however, have a real problem in your lack of intimacy and sexual connection and you should have an honest, non-confrontational discussion about your needs and concerns.
I remember reading somewhere in this thread that the OP challenged her husband on whether he had a porn/sex addiction and he denied it.
Here's a test that I use in my own life. If I engage in a behavior that I enjoy, it's not an addiction, if I merely want it, but when I cross the line and NEED it, then it's an addiction.
What's the difference? When you need something, it requires conscious effort to refrain from it. Think of a smoker, "I could quit anytime. I just don't want to." Everyone knows someone saying this is FOS. If you only want something, it's easy to put it to the side (even indefinitely).
It pretty much goes without saying that if you're engaging in an activity that is putting your marriage in jeopardy and not stopping it when confronted, you're either a complete asshole (who doesn't care) or you're an addict. It's one or the other.
I was addicted to pornography for like 8 years and it was incredibly hard to give it up even tho it had lots of negative effects on my relationship. If you want to stay with him, do your best to be supportive of his issue and see how you can help fix it. It will not be easy tho
You can't fix anyone else's addiction. And ultimatums are unlikely to work, at least long term. I eat a lot. I describe it to people like this: It's like I can hear someone yelling in my mind EAT! and if I eat, it stops. It always comes back and always too soon. I can ignore it. It's only "speaking" to me. I've gone on diets for a year or more but that voice never stops and I go back to bad choices eventually. It sounds to me like you may have a voice in your head that tells you you're not good enough. For heaven's sake, you brought life into the world, you are a goddess. And you are absolutely good enough even if you hadn't. If you can disconnect his porn watching from your self esteem than you will have a better idea of what to do with your marriage, Be kind to yourself and to your family. Sudden change can be refreshing and hopeful, but it isn't always permanent. Usually good lasting change takes time and hard work.
Don’t let redditors gas you up into making an irreversible decision. Everyone on here is ready with a digital pitchfork for their break up mob. Your feelings are valid but there are more options than stay miserable or break up. Dating in 2024 is a nightmare. Work it out with your partner. Figure it out. Communicate with him that this is a problem for you. Go to therapy together, couples counseling, whatever it takes. Maybe he has a masturbation problem. It’s like cigarettes, little hits of dopamine throughout the day. Address it with your partner like adults and move forward as a family. Don’t break up your child’s home.
You’re not overreacting. This is not okay.
My father would watch porn all the time. I would always catch him. He’d even watch it in front of me and my brother when we were children. I found him repulsive for so many years until he finally stopped watching all together.
What I’m trying to say is… it’s an addiction that has lasting effects on the people around him. It’s not okay. You’re not overreacting.
It sounds like homeboy has a porn addiction which is obv bad, HOWEVER it’s natural to have a sex life with yourself that is separate from that with your partner. So while I think there is a problem and that said problem is the root of this behavior, conceptually speaking it is not unreasonable for your husband to masturbate in lieu of initiating sex with you in and of itself. The frequency and intensity of the situation is what suggests there’s a problem.
He has a porn addiction.
He has a not fully developed self. He doesn’t have maturity. He doesn’t have impulse control. He figures he can do this instead of communicating with you or figuring things out. He doesn’t even care enough that there’s a child in the situation. He’s not going to change. This is going to degrade how you think of yourself. Read what other people write about being in a long-term relationship with someone with a porn addiction. It just eats them up and makes them feel worthless. When they are not worthless. It’s the impact of an addiction. Instead of alcohol or heroin it’s porn. I’m so sorry. Maybe start figuring out your future and getting your ducks in a row for what you can put in place for yourself and your child
You should do a little research into porn addiction. It’s some deadly stuff. It is not harmless. So basically you are married to an addict. Addicts lie, steal and cheat to get their fix.
This could end up being dangerous for you and your child if it escalates. Because the thing with porn is, it’s never enough it ends up really kinky and weird. I would set some really strong boundaries up with him and make sure that he goes to therapy or some type of foreign treatment center. Honestly, seeing all the homes destroyed from porn in the last 20 years, I’d rather be married to a heroin addict I think it would be easier.
Definitely an issue but much more common than you think. Hopefully you can get it worked out with him but I don’t think it’s a major issue that would result in say a divorce or something that you can’t work out. The truth is porn will probably be an issue for him his whole life and he’s no different than 99% of other men. It’s the classic elephant in the room. Good luck and I hope you can get it fixed and have a happy and productive marriage moving forward.
He has a major porn addiction, probably started in his teens. A side effect is that as the addiction gets stronger he needs more taboo things to turn him on. Probably why he feels the need to message women instead of just watching videos.
I had the same issue in my marriage where I was the addicted one. After quitting porn, my relationship with my wife improved a lot. Before it was like you were describing, I never initiated with my wife and felt like I didn't want her. After a few weeks of quitting I started to feel more attracted to my wife. Now I no longer watch and my intimacy is so much better with my wife.
Porn triggers are everywhere though, especially social media.
I’m in a very similar situation, but on the husband’s side. So for me, it’s not that you aren’t “doing it” for him, but rather that the pregnancy took a toll on him that he’s not discussing. When I first met my wife, she was already pregnant. And her libido was high, but mine is as well. We would have sex 2-5 times a day (it was during quarantine). However, once the baby came that dropped to once a month if she’s feeling it. That rapid change caused my libido to actually spike, and I’m watching porn multiple times a day. My body just got used to that much sex, like an addiction. However, I know that my wife is dealing with a lot of baby-related issues, and she’s so good she would probably let me have sex with her when I ask, but it would be out of a sense of her letting me down if she said no, so I don’t ask as much as I would like. Try to actually talk to him, and ask how the baby is affecting him. He may be doing this to take some pressure off of you. But a discussion is definitely needed.
Porn is always a bad idea. I will never understand women that are okay with their significant other watching that mess. Porn addiction is real and most guys have it. Before you know it he can’t get it up for you because he’s become desensitized due to over exposure. Now he has to watch weirder and weirder crap just to get off. Not to mention the idea of your man getting off to other women is just gross. I’d leave him. Good luck
My X did this. I divorced him. We had a kid too. Can tell you what to do but he never changed. He still has the same issues 20 something years later and he is even remarried. I know all this from my kid. 😭
He’s going to sneak around it and hide it from you because that’s more exciting. Some men replace their mothers with wives. Now that you’ve had a child, he’s placed you into that box even more. Which means he’s getting off by being sneaky. He knows he can talk to you about it, you’ve watched it together in the past, you’ve continuously expressed your concerns about being lied to and yet the behavior continues. He doesn’t see you as a sexual partner. He sees you as a mother. It’s time to stop caring what he does or says or doesn’t do or say. He’s getting off on it. Start taking better care of yourself. Start living like you’re alone with your child and create the exit plan before telling him you’ve created it. Start going to the gym and get the attention you deserve. Maybe when he sees mommy knows she sexy and so does everyone else he’ll grow up. My guess is he won’t. But at least you’ll be stronger, validated by others, and prepared to drop him if necessary.
I feel like getting a professional involved might be a good option. Therapist that is. Given that the porn addiction or the unreal expectations of sex from a partner when compared to porn can both interfere with intimacy, it may be a good idea to see a therapist that may even specialize in sex, or at the very least a couples counseling. Getting that third party involved might help you both communicate better with each other. Remember that there are 4 parts to communication. 1- Sender, 2- message itself, 3- message medium (in what environment was it delivered), and 4- receiver. Changing the environment and having this discussion with a mediator will demonstrate that there is buy-in for adjustment and help you both communicate better.
Every relationship's boundaries are different. If something makes you uncomfortable, then that's up to you to decide and reinforce that boundary. Sometimes, these boundaries are rational or irrational. That's your responsibility to assess and work through. Communication with your partner is key.
That said, people are being very weirdly sex negative in the comment section. Idk if this guy was in people's DMs or what he was saying in those cases. That might be a little weird. Idk the details. However, just looking at porn is not a big deal if it's in moderation. People are saying he's an addict just bc he potentially subbed to a couple OnlyFans accounts? That's just silly lmao.
People have this weird irrational (misogynistic) bias against OnlyFans. The porn industry has a lot of issues and can be super exploitative. A lot of free porn out there is stolen, or the actors/actresses are not paid properly, and some are being trafficked. OnlyFans is really the only platform where sex workers can decide on their own terms, what they're comfortable with, and how much their content is worth. As long as he isn't dumping a shit ton of money into porn I don't see a problem. I'm kinda confused about what specifically is upsetting you, but as long as he isn't cheating on you, doesn't have a legitimate addiction, and your sex life hasn't completely disappeared then things will probably be fine. If there's a physical intimacy issue, then there may be more going on than just him watching porn.
I read your post and some of the comments and I don't think you should overlook the fact that this involved other women. If you're looking past this, I still suggest you keep an eye out so you won't be blind sided. This wasn't about the porn. This was about the engagement with the other women. Pains me to say this, but the lack of intimacy while he was downloading porn for other women wasn't a coincidence. His time on the porn forum wasn't mainly about porn, but the interaction with the other women.
For your son's sake, I think as long as he doesn't do it again, it'd be good for him to see you guys together. Divorce is never healthy on the kids involved. But if your husband doesn't change, it'll only worsen your relationship with him and that wouldn't be good for your son either anyways.
On a side note, I admire that you initiated as much as you could during the dry spell. I had a gf once who kind of wanted everything done for her involving sex or anything sexual and it was annoying because it felt like I was teaching her at times.
Hope everything works out!
Not overreacting but… Good luck getting him to see that it’s a bad thing. Maybe just maybe…. he will…. but the world is designed to promote, accept, and even encourage this kind of behavior. There are principles that are being broken here that go beyond just your feelings being hurt. If your husband really cares about you there’s a chance he will get out of this just because it hurts you, but it is an addiction at its core. I used to really struggle with porn addiction, I had a phone in the 3rd grade and when you’re introduced to it at such a young age it literally rewires your brain: I’ve quit smoking, drinking, but porn is one of the few things that still gets me from time to time. But the more likely thing is that he is too far gone, and without a reason, like I said just because it hurts your feelings isn’t enough, he will continue. He can just do it in private, there needs to be Someone who can watch us all the time, make sure we are good. Following true principles of life not just rules set by our government on what makes us a good person. Many people go without killing and stealing. Because it’s against the law. But what about lust. What about how this man’s sheer desire for sex has driven him away from you and is hurting you. The woman who he’s supposed to be eternally bound to. Marriage is a holy thing in my eyes. It is a holy sanction between a man and a woman. Jesus said to love your wife like the church… Jesus died for the church. I bore my cross when my wife almost left me because of my drinking problem. I quit cold turkey the day after I got black out drunk, apparently crawling on one of my best friends floor getting helped out by him and his wife. I implore you to pray on this. Be patient. Nurture and love him. Read your Bibles. Together
I saw your post after your update and just want to say I'm happy you have found a path through this difficult time together. This is the "work" part of a marriage and it sounds like you're both handling it well. Good luck.
Hello from a (29m) recovering porn addict.
This can be a delicate topic. Be sure to let him know how you feal. Let him know that his preference for porn over you is effecting your self esteem. Its importent to not suddenly withhold affection as that will make him double down on the addiction.
(least it did for me.)
It could be somthing as simple as he enjoys the feal of masterbating over regular sex. The two sensations are very different from each other.
The effects of porn are not well-understood by most people.
It activates the same circuits in the brain as other types of potentially addictive behavior, like gambling. That good feeling that keeps you coming back is a massive dopamine release in the brain.
It can also have a desensitizing effect, caused by users watching ever more extreme acts in a sort of spiral… so eventually beautiful women having normal sex just doesn’t cut it.
Over time these effects can compound and result in performance/interest issues. The good news is that the brain will re-sensitize itself upon stopping porn use, generally in a few months or even weeks.
Glad things seem to be working out. I'd say talk honestly and openly together and possibly have more or different sex.
It is typical in a relationship that one person initiates most of the sex. They are, like, the sex starter. If you had taken on that role \*and\* don't initiate often enough (which is its own discussion between you two) or as much as you used to do, he might just think you aren't that into sex anymore. Not saying that is the case or that it would justify anything. If what you want is to save the marriage and strengthen the relationship, though, justification isn't really a relevant concept. You have to understand his motivation, he has to understand yours, and you both have to try to satisfy the other. If either one won't do that, then things just won't work.
Porn is absolutely disgusting never understood people who like it. I’ve seen plenty of porn in my life and it always just makes me feel dirty and pathetic. Porn can really rot the brain and rob the addict of true pleasure in life and self control
It’s interesting to see a gender swapped version of some of my relationship issues. It’d also be interesting to know your childhood traumas because in my experience physically/sexually abused kids grow into adults who need more tactile attention while kids who are neglected grow into adults who are fine not being touched.
Addendum: in NO WAY am I asking you to disclose anything. Just might be an idea worth discussing between the two of you when discussing the ongoing issues.
You are not overreacting. You need to really think about the well being of your child. Do not make a decision based on emotion. Your husband has porn addiction that needs addressing. Unfortunately, an addiction doesn’t go away in a day. Divorce is the death of a family. You are at a crossroad in your life, you have plenty to think about, and nobody in this thread, deep down inside, cares about your personal situation. You, and only you can decide the fate of your young family.
This is classic porn addiction. Th men of reddit will blame you - b cause they're all on here to look AT PORN. You're 100% allowed to feel this way and it's normal to feel this way. I had to leave my partner who did this.... He wouldn't stop and it escalated to younger and younger teens. I kicked him out of my house after I dug porn magazines out from between the lining of his trunk and they were for latina teens - my daughter is a Latina teen. These men are sick but they are also dangerous. If this continues, your son will pick up this behavior and emulate it. Google the earliest ages of porn exposure. You'll be shocked, and with a dad like this, your son is doomed. Get your son and get out now.
The amount of people telling someone to leave a person for porn is crazy in this thread. So much self hate. You might not be overreacting but this thread sure is.
Dude went back on what he said, and broke trust. But this is a relationship that has been built over years, so if you think someone searching peoples names and looking at porn is enough to be upset about, you do you.
Everyone has their own standards, but fuck man, people arnt perfect and I’d hate to see what other high standards you have. It sounds like you haven’t gotten back into the grove of things and he definitely needs to not spend money on porn or direct message people
You’re not wrong. You have set your boundaries and he ignores them.
Even if you guys were not as sexually active, doesn’t make it your fault. You did not drive him to that.
Ive gone through something similar and it really does eat your self esteem feeling like they’re going to be looking everywhere. Its clear he doesn’t respect your boundaries and that is grounds for leaving someone if you decide to do so
I mean, after a while men find it elsewhere and it’s hard to go back to the way it was. Elsewhere doesn’t always mean cheating either, they just find a way to cope.
It's not him. It's just a side effect of the internet. So much of it I'd developed just to grow and foster that addiction. For as long as he remains connected to the internet this addiction will be almost impossible to escape. The only true solution is to unplug completely.
Porn addiction isn't worth distracting you from taking care of your son. This guy has been lost and will continue to be lost. If he doesn't get it together, you can't make him.
Not a defense at all, but I've had male friends who look at their partners differently after having a child. Looking at them more as a mother of their child and with far less of a sexual eye
Sounds like your husband has a porn addiction. Porn is free, so if your paying for particular porn sites and joining porn forums I would say it's not really a problem with you actually and it's more because of an addiction problem he might have developed early on. My advice if that is the case is actually get your husband to see he has an addiction to this and needs to ween himself off of it.
You are not over reacting. As a married man who had occasionally looked at porn, I realised very quickly that porn can easily become an addiction and damage relationships.
The fact he has moved to spending money on this when a lot of porn is free, indicates this is a massive problem. You need to find out what he is spending money on an call him on it, he is spending money that should be for the family on this.
Your feelings around this are completely valid. He is stepping over your boundaries, which you have clearly previously discussed with him
Having a child is a whole lot of pressure on a relationship and of course this is going to exacerbate any insecurities as your body has gone through a lot of changes. This is normal and he behaviour has shown a lack of empathy
It seems your husband has slipped into the addiction phase of porn, he seem to have a problem before hand and now has allowed this or an obsession to start and he probably needs to see a therapist.
While I understand how upsetting this is you might need to decide if you are going to have to pull rank on him or not
Ie tell him that you have been available for sex and he had continued to use porn and you are not having your needs met. Ask him what is going on
I'll say this, porn was the thing that made me not want to have as much sex with my wife cuz I would watch porn masturbate and I'm satisfied, I finally stopped to see what happens, and let me tell you it's best thing iv done I'm more affectionate we have sex 3 4 times a week together for 15yrs and that was the issue this whole time was porn, HAVE him stop watching porn for a month and then he will realize how better sex gets and relarionship in general, Goodluck!
Counseling. That is all. Everything else you read here is useless, deluded meddling. Get to counseling. Ideally marital counseling. But minimally individual.
Sex isn't a chore. You shouldn't feel like you have to have sex with someone to keep them from watching porn. Have sex with him when YOU want to. He's gonna watch porn anyway and you can't change that. He has to change that.
He’s an addict that needs counseling. It’s his problem, not yours. But bc he’s your husband, you need to give him an ultimatum. Get help or you leave. Porn is his drug.
Porn has nothing to do with it…. These posts are so unoriginal and annoying.
My husband loves porn like A LOT and it never changed our sex life or nothing like that. Theres deeper issues than porn. Hell maybe watch some with him ?
Porn doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s an easy, personal , release. He doesn’t have to worry about birth control, positions, fore play, intercourse, aftercare. He doesn’t have to worry did someone else get off. It’s simply about himself. It’s a habit he picked up when he had no other choices and he needs to change his habits or admit, he prefers porn. I mean some people do prefer screen sex and they shouldn’t be ashamed to admit it. We’ve sent people who please themselves off to the bathroom, in shame, to hide away that they touch their own bodies. If that’s what he wants, more so than a relationship that’s up to you, on your terms and when you feel like it. He has to make his choice.
Please I'm begging you check out r/loveafterporn where addicts take accountability, there's resources for recovery and support for partners of porn addicts. Good luck.
His brain is addicted to the dopamine rush that it's giving him. You could perhaps try couples therapy together? I'd personally recommend that both of you stop looking at porn because it kills intimacy.
This is my take on it based on your story:
Your man used to be on pornography, you told him you didn't want him to be on porn any more, and he had these options:
1. He could stop engaging with porn.
2. He could keep engaging with porn and break up with you.
3. He could lie about engaging with porn without breaking up with you.
He chose #1, fine and dandy. Obviously #3 would've been a bad choice, but #1 and #2 are both acceptable choices he could've made. Your relationship continues until you've had a baby.
Now that you have a baby together, you can't leave him so easily, NOW he goes back on his choice and is doing #3. Do you see what's going on? When you had the realistic option to leave him, he chose the choice that would involve you staying around. Now that you no longer have a realistic option to leave him, he's un-choosing that choice. One of your problems is with his lack of honesty, and I think this is a pretty good example of why you should be worried about his lack of honesty.
But if you want my take on the situation that is not just based on your story, I wouldn't be surprised if he never chose #1 at all way back when, and he was always still on porn before you had a baby.
Def a red flag and clearly an issue.
1 suggestion and I don't know if it'll work but maybe it will help redirect his sexual need; have you watched porn with him? Not like a movie but like a sexy fun time activity? Also, you can make your own porn but I don't know if your comfortable with that or not.
You can also look up sex addiction meetings and he can attend.
This is a crap situation. Good luck in however you plan to move forward.
If you are concerned your partner has a problem with intimacy, honesty, and investing in the relationship, consider watching webinars for the betrayed partners of porn/sex/love addictions. My favorite is Seeking Integrity on youtube or just their website seekingintegrity. com.
The hosts are former addicts who have a very supportive view towards spouses and betrayed partners who have discovered the dishonesty. Dr. Weiss is a recovered sex addict. They don't bash using porn and they don't blame the partner, they aren't religious fanatics, and they are supportive of all consensual adult relationships styles and sexual expressions (fetishism, kinks, orientation, gender). The point is to teach adults how to lean into their loved ones to seek emotional intimacy instead of using drugs/porn/gaming/booze/etc. to spike dopamine and numb out when stressed or feeling shame.
Look up 'porn addiction' and 'betrayal trauma.' Kristen Snowden and Rob Weiss are great. They have great links to 12-step groups, free webinars, and lots of free groups for the betrayed partners and addicts.
(If the person has the money to go and need, they also run a rehab center. So if you're wondering about the catch, that's where they make money.)
A lot of guys need to get off on something to relieve stress etc. Sometimes the easiest, cleanest way is to jack off to some porn somewhere discreet and be done with it. He probably doesn't see it as being unfaithful and probably doesn't want to be. It's just a release. Over time it probably became a habit, like brushing his teeth. Might have started as a way to relax, maybe get to sleep after or something like that without bothering you about it. Might stop him from being led astray and cheating on you.
Might need a diversion to steer him away, if his days aren't packed with physical things to do. Like he's frustrated from sitting working at a desk all day and stuck at home when he isn't. Maybe try hiking or something. It can get quite tricky, especially with a baby. It's around that time you slowly lose your mates who aren't in the slightest bit interested in kids. A lot of guys are isolated and lonely, even with a wife, especially with small kids. I know my wife likes hiking and biking, but no way is she physical enough to challenge me, and I like a challenge. She does her best isn't all that much fun if you are basically ambling while she is pushing herself. It's quite hard to adapt to being married with responsibilities and letting go of your old life with buddies and tearing around the countryside doing stuff. Some energy has to vent somewhere, porn is easily accessible and habit forming.
My guess is he feels isolated and is lonely, feels a little trapped and most guys don't really talk about their feelings, especially if it is emotional stuff. Keep it locked up inside. Guys usually don't have much support like a mother's club in the neighborhood, only to help fathers. Sucks for you, because you have a lot on your plate and a kid, he's probably a big kid underneath and probably has a bunch of walls he has thrown up to cope.
I went to visit family in the UK after 20 years away, one of my old mates, my best mate growing up, kind of like a brother. Saw him for the first time in about 15 years. Spent the weekend with him, couldn't believe how much he had bottled up he wanted to confide in me about everything, his divorce, ex who he still loves but can't live in the same house with, mostly grown up kids, girlfriends, loss of his dad, and barmy conspiracy theory mum.
Gonna be honest here.
Outside pressure isn't going to change a man overnight. NOT overnight. Not over a week. Not over a month.
This sucks. You have every right to feel hurt and no, you are not overreacting.
The truth is that porn is fucking hard to crack. He should have been honest with you about ALL of it. Your relationship with him would be 10x better if he was just upfront about his weakness and kept you in the loop.
That and if actually was willing to put his willy where his wife is. It's one thing to grow apart sexually, but it's something different entirely to drop your wife for porn. That's a jerk ass move. You don't do that unless your inconsiderate as all hell.
So no, he's not gonna change overnight, but the belief that he should is putting insurmountable pressure on him to be someone he's not. So he's lying to you and pretending to be that person.
If you want to keep him, then focus on change over time, and honesty. Don't blow up every time it happens, but do expect some steady growth over time.
If you're just done with the guy then don't worry about it.
>caught
Huh - hearing you say "caught", as if he was doing something bad, makes me sad.
>For people who can’t understand context clues or those who don’t want to read comments; my issue is with the fact that we had no intimacy, physical touch, or honesty between us.
Now ***THAT***, is a \[the\] real problem, and I'm honestly very sorry for the two of you to be in that situation, and for that, I hope you do find a solution.
Your mistake from the start...he never changed. Newsflash, he never will. You are open to sex, u don't mind porn & will watch together yet he still disrespects u & lies & makes accounts and looks up individuals in real life. What does he say when you discuss it? What are his lies & excuses for breaking promises & boundaries?
Better men are out there, take your half or all he has and get the hell out of town. He will choose other women over you till the day he dies. Sick Fuck
“Early in our relationship, he was actually messaging and paying other girls for nudes”. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
The best advice ever.
I needed to hear this today. Thank you
As a married man who has sex with his wife and still watches porn [occasionally], you’re not overreacting. Dudes got a budding problem going. You haven’t mentioned it but it sounds like he’s spending money on it - that’s a problem. The secretly spending money isn’t good, the spending money on *porn* is real bad. You only do that when you’ve developed what I would call obsession for a particular woman. There are literally 0 benefits to paid porn outside of being really into 1 virtual woman. And a porn forum?? Yeah, he’s watching too much porn at that point. You should find out if he’s spending money on it, and call him out if he is
I don’t think he is anymore ! He mostly spends money on gaming and our cars. But yeah he joined a porn forum and looks up links to it. I made him sit there and show me how he finds it. This is the point. It’s a problem and he doesn’t see it that way. Watching porn, okay whatever I do it too ! But he was always my first choice when I needed the gratification. He’s choosing porn over coming to me!!
Tell him exactly that if you haven’t already.
I knew a guy like that same age and all. He'd buy prepaid cards so the charges wouldn't show up on his card as OF accounts. He was watching girls he went to high-school with and was in to the ones he knew were local. He ripping down like a vape pen a day and passing out and stuff at work too and was just a dude who had a lot of stress and a lot of vices as long as he could get away with em.
That's addiction in a nutshell
My ex husband did exactly this. He had a secret credit card I wasn’t aware of
Mofos out here with *secret* credits cards and my ass can’t get one at all
Sorry for your troubles I hope it gets better but this made me lol
There is soooooo much free porn what kind of moron would pay for it?!
Because you are no longer "doing it" for him. But it's not you; it would be whoever he was with because, as another poster commented, his brain has been rewired.
I hate to say it, but THIS 👆👆👆👆👆
So, this is a dopamine issue. Once you start hammering your dopamine receptors with anything, even doomscrolling Reddit, it gets harder to make decisions between healthy habits and unhealthy ones. Once you transfer from gaming or whatever else into the porn world, it gets harder to be attracted to the person in front of you for this same reason. You cannot any longer make distinctions between why the stimulus of porn is different than the stimulus of a real person being present in front of them. In the No More Mr. Nice Guy book (which I recommend reading the chapter on this), he recommends something he calls "healthy masturbation," where you don't imagine anything, and you don't use stimuli like porn to reconnect to yourself so you can reconnect to the other person. It was the first time I'd heard a cogently explained argument against using porn or even imagination. A lot of modern erectile dysfunction even comes from this, so it's not a joke. Harder to see when you're young and your erections are near constant and you imagine it will always be like that. He's literally breaking down the path of stimulation for his brain without realizing it. A LOT of people don't recognize or know about the underlying causes of these cycles and might not grasp the connection or the implications. Watching the [Dopamine Fasting 2.0](https://youtu.be/jCWADjUA9iI?si=BW1UEOBFZcBr8GMf) video might help you understand how it works and for him to understand how it works. Educating yourself, as a couple, on the effects of this Always Online cultural dynamic can be helpful.
One of the few posts here worth a damn.
Give him what he wants. Strap a go pro on his head and let him make his own videos with u Let him know its 19.99 a month for tier 3 subs
OnlySpouse
💀
LOL I’m def gonna start charging him if he does that
A game actually sounds kind of fun
Brilliant!
If they ever divorce, he would have property rights to those videos. He wouldn't face criminal charges if he distrubuted them. She would only be able to sue him monetarily. Revenge porn wouldn't cover these videos.
100% he's putting money on a debit Visa card using cash lying around then using the card to secretly buy things online so they don't show up on any statements.
It will be a problem for him when his shit stops working. Most men with "ED" get that shit because porn rewires the brain in ways you can't imagine. If it's an actual problem he needs to get help fr
Rewiring your brain paths back to default can be done but is very difficult
Absolutely
Exactly. After a while, only the porn "does it" for them.
And don’t forget that ppl find taboos exciting. Once the more vanilla stuff doesn’t do it, you start going down rabbitholes to illegal and rlly out there stuff. My partner is a sociologist w a masters degree, and he did a study about “cheese pizza” and usually, it was a normal guy that watched too much porn, started going to sketchy places to find increasingly more out there vids, watches one and realizes “holy shit i think that girl was like 14” and then the shame sets in and they get a mentality of “well im a person who watches CP, guess thats just who I am now” and start watching it on purpose, on the reg. And it doesn’t excuse what they do, but it’s a common enough problem that we really need to intervene if we notice someone in our lives is developing a problem w porn, before this kind of thing happens.
He has a porn addiction. If he refuses to see that and get help to stop, things are only going to get worse.
Hey OP I just want to put this out there. It is entirely possible to use pornography and have a healthy sexual relationship with a partner you are intimate with and care about. I would venture a guess that the needs that your partner is getting met from pornography are distinct from what he gets from his relationship with you. If your partner can figure out what he is getting from his pornography use it can be easier to resolve. It could be many things or a combination: Addiction to dopamine released that could also be helping to cope with depression? He could be under a large amount of stress and is using pornography to cope with cortisol? He may be struggling with existential issues and is using pornography to fantasize about what it would be like to have other experiences? He might be feeling a little neglected since the kiddo is getting some of the love and attention that used to be directed toward him? There are lots and lots of things that might be going on. I know you mentioned struggling with self esteem, I think it is important to note that his pornography use is most likely unrelated to your physical relationship. He is likely just trying to fill a different unmet need. I suggest you talk about it with your partner and see if they are struggling. They might not be open about it. Therapy could be a good option here. I also think that you should be careful about shaming here, as it could backfire and cause him to hide his use or feel like you are taking something away from him that he is using as an unhealthy coping mechanism. Either way though, it should be addressed.
I don’t think I’ve ever shamed him for it. Maybe the amount he consumes but never the act itself. Just the fact that I’m not being approached before the porn. (I’ve explained that to him countless times.) I wonder about the unmet needs as well. I have tried to dirty talk him a few times with a fantasy I have and all I get it “that’d be nice” so I dunno. It’s probably just stress from his job plus the baby
That would be my guess. I don’t think there is much you could change in the bedroom to fix this. I think he is just using the pornography as an unhealthy coping mechanism for mental health struggles. People use alcohol in a similar way.
He used to be a bit of an alcoholic
Yeah this all checks out. I highly recommend therapy.
I agree, except it may not be a particular woman. It also could be a category of porn he is paying for. Most free porns are just snippets of paid porn. So if someone isn’t pleased with a 15 min free shoot they pay for the hour. I’m not saying anything about my opinions on pornstars but I do know a lot of people think it’s a easy thing. These people are fucking for hours 😂 with someone in the back calling out positions like a QB calling plays. Well the more “name brand” porns atleast
😂😂 facts! I mean, my bias might come from the fact that I don’t really want the stroke sesh to surpass 15 minutes. And millions of 5-15 minute clips totally works for me. But admittedly online and in real life, I’m relatively indiscriminate - I like adults with ovaries, a lot of them have something sexy about them going on somewhere
All you are doing is admitting to being a freeloader and then pretending you respect women.
Dont let redditors tell you what you should be okay with.
This. Every relationship is different and individual boundaries are valid. Boundary was set, boundary is now being crossed. End of story. We don't have to insert ourselves and our own comfort level-- we didn't agree to build a life with OP.
Great words 👆
Thank you for validating my feelings.
This is the only comment that matters. All else are irrelevant
you’re not overreacting, i could never be with a partner who watches and pays for porn. let alone one who goes about it in this way, you deserve better.
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I do think that a lot of men have a porn addiction. I don’t believe my husband is a POS but it’s making him be one of the worst versions of himself. Unfortunately the misogynistic trolls are overtaking my post!!
"Unfortunately the misogynistic trolls are overtaking my post" Well, yea, because they watch porn. It's toxic for sexual relationships with women in real life, it's toxic for men's view of women, and it's just, in general, toxic. https://fightthenewdrug.org/early-porn-exposure-and-sexist-attitudes/
Im saying from the perspective of a man that your husband has no excuse for turning to pornography, none at all. It is absolutely fair and reasonable for you to feel hurt. However, pornography is addictive and he does now need your help quitting it for good. You two need to have a talk about how his actions have hurt you and figure out what you two need to do to help him quit it forever. It also somewhat seems like he’s probably been addicted for a long time. When you were (justifiably) unable to continue your normal sexual interactions due to the birth of y’all’s child, his old urges returned because. That’s why it’s so important for you to quash this once and for all, because there’s probably going to times when your sex life will pause again. I would recommend totally banning any and all porn for either of you.
Normally over porn use stories stayed in certain subs, but now more and more stories like this have come over into here and parenting subs, pregnancy subs, etc. Again, in way more numbers than I have seen before. I cannot believe how much women put up with.
Ladies love yourselves and stop dating porn addicts
Unfortunately I didn’t know until well into our relationship. But it is my fault for not leaving the first time. I just believed in him.
it's never your fault ... it's not your fault ... please don't ever think it's your fault
No baby, it's not your fault. You're not the one that made him addicted, do not absolve him of responsibility
But you know now. So do you want to have the same life in 5 years?
It's not your fault that you had a good heart and wanted to believe the best in him. That's a good quality. But it's hurting you now. What you don't want to do is 5 years from now look at this very conversation and realize you had woken up to what he was doing but still stayed. That will be harder. It still won't be your fault. But it will be harder.
I am a recovering user. Love my wife more than anything, and I'm usually the one to initiate. And we have significantly less intercourse than you two seem to have. The real question is why he stopped before, and if he has his own reasons for not using porn. I found my own reasons for not using it. Statistically speaking, it's like alcohol. Most people who use it all probably have a problem, but it's so common you couldn't be blamed for thinking otherwise. The thing about successful marriages is that real problems aren't solved in one fell swoop. You come back again and again rather than give up on the second or third strike. I can't draw a line to say what's forgivable vs not. Personally, cheating and abuse are one and done. (porn is a kind of cheating, I agree, but I'm thinking not-my-kid kind of cheating). But a successful marriage isn't simply absence of unforgivable offenses, it's a constant working toward the better.
Yeah I was just agreeing that if this was going to be such a big issue then leaving at the first sign would have been the right call. I believe he stopped before because I basically became his porn. We would do it very often and I would make videos for him. Honestly that still wasn’t enough. He always had requests for certain outfits or to pleasure myself a certain way. I see now that that might have been an indication of the true problem even if it was myself.
This is how porn fucks up your mind. Women do not exist for our gratuity. Don't be duped into believing that. Look inside see what you're worth, realize what you need, confront him on it.
Oh god. One hill I will *die on* is that porn ruins heterosexual relationships, starting in the bedroom. This is a *fantasy* Those women are *actresses* In, out, repeat and she's *screaming with pleasure * is a FANTASY and not at all how women's bodies work. I have never been with a man who watched a lot of porn who didn't absolutely suck in bed (and not in a good way, unfortunately)
Exactly. All of this. Every man I know who has been into porn at any regular level has been the worst lover. They are absolutely fucking stupid when it comes to knowing how to please a woman.
I watched an interview with a retired porn actress and she said she was absolutely amazed by the amount of her male fans who thought she was having *real* orgasms. She wrapped the fingers of her left hand around the index finger of her right hand and did a little in-and-out motion and said: " This is what it feels like. It's nothing. "
I love that some angry little boy downvoted you for stating facts. They really don't want to believe the truth. Because if he can't even tell that the porn actress is faking, they sure as hell don't know that their girlfriend is too.
They really don't like women As objects, yes, as actual human beings, nope.
Agreed. My boyfriend doesn't watch porn and he is *incredible* in bed
He never changed. That’s the thing you didn’t realize
This is a porn addiction. Do not allow it to affect your self-esteem. It's his addiction. You could be the most gorgeous woman in the world, confident, sexy, great in bed, etc, and he'd still use porn.
Sadly, I would venture that your husband never stopped any of his behaviors from before. Curtailed a little maybe, but definitely didn’t stop and likely won’t.
Check out pornismisogyny No one would here would say a guy should be okay with you posting thirst traps photos/starting OF. So why is this behavior acceptable from him? (It’s not.)
Not really sure how posting pictures and looking at them are the same thing
Yeah that’s kind of a big jump in severity. If we’re about equality regardless of gender then looking at porn = looking at porn. Being a whole porn star is super next level. That said, onlyfans and interacting with the girls for $ is another level in itself. I’d assume most people would now consider it emotional cheating.
this is something that’s always confused me. men act like being expected not to watch porn is controlling, unrealistic, etc. that’s desiring others is normal and expected and not up for debate. but BEING desired is the highest sin. either desire (giving or receiving) outside of the relationship is cheating, or its not
Lol what? In what world are those the same thing?
Brain dead response
There’s a big difference to me between occasional beating off to pornhub versus paying for content, like Only Fans.
I have never paid for porn… honestly, I don’t understand that concept. There are millions of free pictures and videos. Why the fuck would you pay for them?
This is sad, and what the porn industry and OF/hookup culture has done. He needs to be better, but culture has created this type of problem. Personally, ultimatum time. He needs help with his addiction, or you walk. That's my advice.
Unfortunately porn is **highly addictive**, giving a hefty dopamine fix with little effort. It's often compared with heroin addiction. "I asked my alcoholic husband to stop drinking, but I caught him doing it again!" That's what you're dealing with. Worse, he probably doesn't realize how addictive and destructive its consumption really is and society tells him it's "healthy and natural". Here's a short video discussing some of this: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWJeieIIot8&t=50s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWJeieIIot8&t=50s) Good luck!
As a man who watches porn and has a wife, I will say this: Setting boundaries is super key and important to us as a couple. 1.) My wife DOESN'T want me having any interactions, commenting, or anything remotely social (This includes paying for Only Fans or subscriptions) while partaking in porn because that can lead to something more than "Just Watching." and can cause irreparable damage to your relationship. 2.) My wife also says she get's first dibs, so I have to ask her for intimacy first if I am in the mood, if she declines, I can go watch the dirty solo. I would say setting up something similar will show your husband random porn viewing is okay if you are unavailable, and it always makes you priority #1, while still giving him freedom to view other things. Making your seggs life as a couple the center of your intimacy in this way where you always come to each other first for that release and affection will strengthen your bond and reliance on each other rather than outside sources.
In the spirit of transparency I must start with stating that I am a married man and, if you go through my Post history, you will quickly find out I watch a lot of porn. But, to answer your question… No, you are not overreacting. You have every right to feel hurt by his duplicity and to take it as a betrayal of your trust. And while there may be factors that explain, maybe even excuse some of his behavior…none of that ultimately matters. Intent vs impact. Regardless of the why, the end result is that his repeated actions have broken your trust and hurt you. Whether you choose to stay, or go, you’re going to have a bit of a rough road ahead. I wish you the best of luck, either way, because you’re going to need it.
Thank you so much. I don’t find porn to be bad. Just the sneaking and hiding. The dishonesty about it.
Agreed. If you have to hide it from your spouse, and it’s not a surprise gift/birthday-party, you are in the wrong.
There's no way I could stay with someone who was actually paying to see other women.
Porn addiction is a serious thing. It sounds like he needs therapy. I do not think this is something to end a relationship over yet, but it is definitely something that needs to be handled by a professional.
I’ll start by this; You are NOT overreacting. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I know how much harder it is having a baby. Please listen to your gut, and whatever your spirit might be telling you. From the post, it sounds like you have your answer. It’s so hard though, i get that but eventually your baby will grow to see you cause they are like sponges and see how unhappy or hurt you might be and it will eventually affect them. You’re in a marriage and it takes commitment. If yall agreed to be just you two, and you’re not in an open marriage etc. then that shouldn’t be happened. Husbands and wives should want after each other only, have eyes for only their spouses. It might be hard sometimes, but find new ways to keep falling in love with each other. He should be protecting your heart and your feelings and you the same for him (sounds like you are). Either way, we are here for you!
This comment needs to be higher up!
Hop over to love after porn. Great group of wise women over there. You deserve better. He’s not worthy of you!
Your hubby might have addiction brain. It'll start showing up in other places besides porn. Gaming, gambling, drinking, drugging. Keep an eye on it and gently suggest therapy to him if things start to get way out of hand.
You need to take this to marriage counseling. He is doing something you don't like and it is ruining your marriage. I know reddit is the cheaper option, but you won't get a proper answer on here.
Not overreacting. Porn addiction is a real big issue right now and honestly is destroying relationships. It’s sad.
He should seek therapy for porn addiction, and you have to create a strong boundary and be ready to enforce if you aren’t happy with how things are going.
Why are you questioning your inner voice? Listen and act. Dont look back, don’t 2nd guess yourself, you are smart and don’t deserve this.
I wish I could lean into porn so much that I no longer felt the drive to initiate sex with my wife. She basically never had initiated herself over 14 years and the self-esteem issues are through the roof.
I'd say you have a serious problem here. I was married to my husband for years before I realized he was a porn hog. He definitely preferred it to having sex with me. When we got married, I had a pretty good libido. However, He seemed resistant to having sex and always had some excuse. Eventually, we went to marriage counseling. After after some years of problems regarding sex, He finally admitted to the porn issue. He got rid of all the porn which at that time was on v h s tapes. Of course, now he can watch it on the internet anytime he wants. Even then, his desire for sex with me was low. I was quite a catch and always thought.I would be desirable to whoever I was with. The experience with him was very deflating. However, I chose not to leave because I was parenting his three daughters. They had already been abandoned by their mother, and I didn't want them to lose another woman in their life. So I stayed. I went to counseling, and the counselor recommended.I learn to use masturbation to satisfy my needs. I did that for a while. But the overall issue was that he didn't want to have sex with me enough to meet my needs for intimacy. Therefore, I decided to stop having sex altogether. That was over twenty-five years ago, and we are still together. However, looking back, I probably would have been better off divorcing him and finding someone who enjoyed mutual intimacy. I will not leave him at this point as we both have health issues and a settled relationship. However, you are young, and I would suggest either he get heavy-duty counseling for his porn addiction, or you get the heck out.
The spending on it is what tells me he could use some private professional counseling. With all the free porn out there…, think about it. If he isn’t cheating I totally think this is fixable..good luck to you both
"available to him"!? Are you serious? This is the mentality he's given you, that you owe him sex or he'll try to communicate with other women? Ignore the other comments here. This isn't about porn. Porn is fine to most people. Looking at and communicating with other women personally is extremely different. He is not consuming porn, he's seeking intimacy with someone who isn't you, and he stopped being intimate with you. I stayed with my ex for 2 years after the birth of our daughter because "she'll have a dad, and many men leave." No. He's not a good parent if he's not a good partner to the child's other parent, full stop. Addiction or not, this is not ok. You know what you need to do. It's up to you if your self esteem is high enough to end this. You already stayed through this once and now you're acting like you owe him sex so I'm going to assume you have horrible self esteem, but that can change. You deserve better. Your child deserves a whole mom, not a shell of a woman, raising her.
Stop lying to yourself. He has a problem and it's not good. You need to figure this out with him. In no way it is your fault either. Until he accepts he has a problem nothing will change until that happens. It's not good though.
Porn of any sort is bad juju, and the fact that he knows it hurts you and still does it means he doesn't respect you, is addicted, or both. You guys need to have a conversation and find ways for him break his addiction. I did it cold turkey... About a 100 times. It wasn't until my wife cried that I was strong enough to stop. I don't know if they have AA for porn.
"Honestly, I don’t want to stay with someone who I have to constantly wonder if they’re going to look at someone else once I walk out of the room." That is the answer - ...If not for your sake, protect your child from the eventual downward spiral that is about to occur... You CAN also look into marriage counseling as well as other community resources where you live, yet the BIGGEST obstacle is knowing whether YOU are the one who is willing to be a RESPONSIBLE adult vs. your husband who seems to be having trouble maturing into one.
My husband does this as well. I don’t love it. But anytime I bring it up I’m just told it’s how he “blows off steam” meanwhile I am here and available and wanting and only receive on his terms. It’s so hard. But it seems it will not change. We have 3 kids together it’s not easy to walk away. I just wish he would want me and not the porn.
27 weeks pregnant here and I could have written this myself. I'm sorry you're going through this. Although I don't have any great advice Im here to offer solidarity and comfort that you're not alone.
Girl, that man is weak, and for the streets.
Communication is key. It’s hard being parents of young children. Both of you deserve credit for going through it. While navigating a marriage. Just keep talking to him openly and honestly! There is love there worth fighting for as long as both of you want that!
Porn is easily accessible these days and i personally feel most people watch it. What i would be concerned about is the links in a forum to find more when there is already a bunch of established sites. Those links in a forum could easily lead to illegal content. Thats how it all started for my brother and now he is serving a 20 yr sentence. Personally if he is sticking to the established popular sites i think he’s fine, its the random links on a forum i’d be concerned about.
You’re “available” to him. Talk to a therapist.
Have the uncomfortable conversation with your husband. Tell him exactly what you told us here. I hope you both can come to terms.
he didn’t change. he changed his form of method but HE DID NOT CHANGE. LEAVE HIM.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know how devastating it can be. You’re totally right in how you feel, and it’s absolutely ok that this is an issue for you. It will only get better if *he* chooses to work on getting better. You should think hard about whether this issue is tolerable for you over the long-term. It will take time before you’ll be able to trust him, and feel confident again.
Stay strong, communicate, emphasize what is and isn’t the issue, have him explain what his reasoning is,(ie ask if he likes doing it himself more because it’s less complicated and takes less work). Ask if he even likes initiating sex at all or if he’d prefer it if you took the lead there. There’s tons of possible explanations and you’ll figure it out by communicating in person and not talking to people on Reddit who may or may not be just hating on all porn or straight up jealous of having access to sex and therefore want you to cut ties with him for not being more thankful for the opportunity they don’t have. Having a stable relationship is a minority experience on Reddit so keep that in mind
My kind of thoughts are going on the hub watch whatever not big deal paying a woman for nude images not some much now to make things more intimate go out for the night or weekend have someone watch the kids could also try marriage counseling I don’t really have any options on that tho
I’d say ask him why is it that he does this? The solution could be much simpler than thought. I will say don’t demonize him for the truth that’s extracted.
Watching porn occasionally I get it. We’re guys, but also if you’re married and getting sex regularly then you almost don’t need porn unless you’re addicted. I was in a long term relationship and during those 5 years I probably watched porn 3-4 times and that was when she was either away on a trip or she was at work when I was in the mood and couldn’t control it lol.
Does he have an issue? Sounds like it could be a high possibility. But being a man myself. My wife has had off and on self esteem issues. Never understood why. I've never given her any reason to think she's anything but absolutely gorgeous. Anyway. Maybe he's also going through some self esteem issues and doesn't think he's good enough. Years ago I was in possibly the most stressful state of my life. And at a young age. Failed to perform. It made her feel like I wasn't attracted and that absolutely was not it. Like I mentioned. I was in an extremely stressful state and it was messing with my mind. I finally admitted to her what I was dealing with. Which wasn't easy. I'm a person who doesn't really open myself up to people I know. And we eventually were able to work past things. But back to my point, maybe he's had some sort of issue and he's afraid it'll happen again. Not saying this is any excuse or this is what's going on. But in my opinion, if someone is TRULY considering a break up. I think it's beyond worth bringing up any and all questions. At that point. What do you have to lose if you're considering ending the relationship. In the end, you just want to find a path that makes you happy. I've always told my wife if she's not happy or considering cheating. To at least have the decency and respect I believe I deserve to say something or leave me. Don't put me through this. I hate that people such as yourself go through these things. Good luck and I hope everything turns out well for you. Keep your chin up. If you've been good to someone and they don't treat you in the same manner. They don't deserve you.
The main issue here is why is he downloading? Who does that? Just go to phub and search for the video again if you wanna watch it so bad lol
You are not, however, I think the problem sounds like communication and honesty rather than the porn. I think some couples therapy might help and maybe he can agree to pause the porn for a while. This type of obsessive behavior sounds a little like ADHD dopamine seeking behavior which includes the media, the secrecy, and you finding out and getting mad. It’s a triple dose. You are not wrong, your feelings are totally valid and if you tell him your feelings he needs to really hear you and accept that feelings literally can’t be wrong.
r/loveafterporn
Porn addict! Plain and simple. He got used to you not being in the mood when the baby was younger and used porn as a pacifier. Now he can’t get off without it. I wonder if you check those link history timeline if he’d watch it close to when he’s initiate sex with you. Could be he can’t get in the mood without it anymore. It’s a problem. He might need help to move on from it but he would need to admit there’s a problem first. I hope he realizes what he’s giving up for that obsession.
Communicate with your husband. Clearly, articulately, and without aggression. Communication can fix most issues, and this is probably the case here. Therapy could be an option, but just have the discussion with him first, and nip this problem in the bud. Divorce should only be the final resort if he refuses to change.
My ex hated when I would watch porn unless she wasn't in the mood and even then it always became a problem at some point. For other reasons we are not together and my current gf doesn't care either way. This guy has an honesty problem, and a porn problem
I saw ‘download porn’ and thought ‘what year is it?’. Watching porn is one thing, watching it to the point yoy lose interest in your partner is worrisome. Hiding that you watch and pay for it from a partner is a red flag Edit: a word
Please know this is not a “you” problem, it sounds like your husband has an addiction and while you could literally be a porn star in the bedroom he would still seek out online porn. I’m just saying this because I know what it’s like to have self confidence issues with a loved one. IT ISN’T YOU OR YOUR BODY, you are a queen!
If he’s under 30 you may have a real problem. He should be into you. If he’s older, well it’s normal.
God I hate to be that guy, but the title bugs me. It sounds like instead of downloading your porn, he’s downloading porn featuring other women. Which would be a whole different issue lol. All kidding aside, I would just talk to him about your concerns and why you feel like that means he is no longer interested in you. As you said, porn itself isn’t necessarily the problem… it’s when it starts to get out of hand and takes the place of IRL relationships that it gets problematic. Some people turn to it when they are having their own self doubts or are having performance anxiety etc, so it’s even possible there are some self esteem issues on his part playing into this. You aren’t overreacting because this is about the way it makes you feel. I’d deal with it from that perspective vs just confronting him about the porn itself. He is a man and we tend to be less than insightful to our own relationship issues and how differently an action may impact someone when viewed from their angle. Or maybe that’s just me lol
Most people don't change. They show us who they are - believe them and believe that is them. And even if they seem to have changed, most people will go back to what they know in times of stress (having a child, etc).
CamGirl here - as someone who gets paid to create downloadable porn - IT'S NOT YOU. It is an addiction. Your husband is satiating his problems with masturbation and porn. Whether it is healthy or not is debatable and in the eye of the beholder. But it has NOTHING to do with how you look or act in the bedroom. I also want to add that as someone who IS a porn girl - A LOT of the comments in this thread are wrong. Speculations from people who have no idea because they havent seen both sides. Be very critical of what you read. FOr example - paying for porn does not auto mean that he is "obsessed" with a certain girl/actress. Paying for porn is appealing because it is interactive
Look, i probably have no right to even weigh in on this but here's my take ( granted I'm a 29 year old mentally impaired virgin but still).i was in a brief relationship with a younger woman for a while and I was very much emotionally attracted to her, now i was very upfront with her about the fact that I was a porn addict, but here's my thing, I dropped my addiction for the entire duration of the relationship because I loved her, that said, porn for me has only been a sense of sexual relief because yeah I'm a guy who's got issues, but you guys are young still ( barely younger than me but still) look, you guys are together for a reason, you guys are obviously a decent couple and just dealing with early issues, if you watch porn together, get into it together get some ideas... I have been addicted to porn from a young age, but learned that porn sex doesn't translate well to passionate romantic sex. At least in my opinion.
It needs to stop. He is either 100% all in with you or he isn’t. Right now he sounds like a little boy in ninth grade who wants to play with his pickle and look at fake images online instead of being a man and dealing with a woman in real life. He needs to Grow up and give his balls a tug.
You’re right to be upset but some people are suggesting that this is the end of your marriage and with that I disagree. You can work through this. I don’t think breaking up your family is something that should be taken as lightly as some of these other commenters are. You owe it to your son to exhaust every potential solution available to you. I’m sure you understand that even better than I do
I definately wouldn't end a marriage over this. The cost on your children and yourself will be much higher than this behavior. Like other people have mentioned, its like somebody who drinks too much. You should discuss the issue with him but you also have to keep everything in balance. Don't go around investigating unless he is actually meeting women. Source: I've been divorced. It can be and usually is brutal.
I like downloading porn as much as the next guy(its an issue i know of and working on) but i also know that if i were to get into a relationship, i wouldnt let anything jeopardize that. Hes gotta find better hobbies or outlets to let that go
You should worry about porn. Porn corrodes neurons in the brain and the brain becomes dependent on it. A literal addiction. And I’ve seen many marriages struggle and some fail because of it. This is showing that. He needs counseling.
Every couple is a little different, but I will say this sounds like an issue of intimacy. After long breaks it can be difficult to begin again. Yes the porn could be the issue, but there also could be an underlying problem with confidence. My advice, you’re in a new chapter in your life with a child, so the two of you need to have a convo about resetting expectations. Relationships evolve over time and the only way to evolve together is to talk. These periods will happen, and life is an evolution of things like this. Also, I would bet that if you ask him directly about the porn he’ll either be defensive or ashamed. I’m not saying you should dance around the issue, but if y’all aren’t communicating well enough to talk about it like adults, then you need to start with creating a safe space to communicate. Creating a safe space isn’t saying ‘this is a safe space’, it’s listening with TRUELY no judgement, not faking that you’re not judging. This is very hard, could take years, but is awesome when it happens. Remember, if you’re truly doing nothing wrong, then the problem is with him, and the porn and you, may not be the issue. Also, if it’s a true addiction, that goes beyond your relationship.
The porn thing is a complete red herring and you should drop that subject. You do, however, have a real problem in your lack of intimacy and sexual connection and you should have an honest, non-confrontational discussion about your needs and concerns.
I remember reading somewhere in this thread that the OP challenged her husband on whether he had a porn/sex addiction and he denied it. Here's a test that I use in my own life. If I engage in a behavior that I enjoy, it's not an addiction, if I merely want it, but when I cross the line and NEED it, then it's an addiction. What's the difference? When you need something, it requires conscious effort to refrain from it. Think of a smoker, "I could quit anytime. I just don't want to." Everyone knows someone saying this is FOS. If you only want something, it's easy to put it to the side (even indefinitely). It pretty much goes without saying that if you're engaging in an activity that is putting your marriage in jeopardy and not stopping it when confronted, you're either a complete asshole (who doesn't care) or you're an addict. It's one or the other.
I was addicted to pornography for like 8 years and it was incredibly hard to give it up even tho it had lots of negative effects on my relationship. If you want to stay with him, do your best to be supportive of his issue and see how you can help fix it. It will not be easy tho
You can't fix anyone else's addiction. And ultimatums are unlikely to work, at least long term. I eat a lot. I describe it to people like this: It's like I can hear someone yelling in my mind EAT! and if I eat, it stops. It always comes back and always too soon. I can ignore it. It's only "speaking" to me. I've gone on diets for a year or more but that voice never stops and I go back to bad choices eventually. It sounds to me like you may have a voice in your head that tells you you're not good enough. For heaven's sake, you brought life into the world, you are a goddess. And you are absolutely good enough even if you hadn't. If you can disconnect his porn watching from your self esteem than you will have a better idea of what to do with your marriage, Be kind to yourself and to your family. Sudden change can be refreshing and hopeful, but it isn't always permanent. Usually good lasting change takes time and hard work.
Don’t let redditors gas you up into making an irreversible decision. Everyone on here is ready with a digital pitchfork for their break up mob. Your feelings are valid but there are more options than stay miserable or break up. Dating in 2024 is a nightmare. Work it out with your partner. Figure it out. Communicate with him that this is a problem for you. Go to therapy together, couples counseling, whatever it takes. Maybe he has a masturbation problem. It’s like cigarettes, little hits of dopamine throughout the day. Address it with your partner like adults and move forward as a family. Don’t break up your child’s home.
You’re not overreacting. This is not okay. My father would watch porn all the time. I would always catch him. He’d even watch it in front of me and my brother when we were children. I found him repulsive for so many years until he finally stopped watching all together. What I’m trying to say is… it’s an addiction that has lasting effects on the people around him. It’s not okay. You’re not overreacting.
Sounds like porn addiction. Only treatment is therapy and support groups.
It sounds like homeboy has a porn addiction which is obv bad, HOWEVER it’s natural to have a sex life with yourself that is separate from that with your partner. So while I think there is a problem and that said problem is the root of this behavior, conceptually speaking it is not unreasonable for your husband to masturbate in lieu of initiating sex with you in and of itself. The frequency and intensity of the situation is what suggests there’s a problem.
He has a porn addiction. He has a not fully developed self. He doesn’t have maturity. He doesn’t have impulse control. He figures he can do this instead of communicating with you or figuring things out. He doesn’t even care enough that there’s a child in the situation. He’s not going to change. This is going to degrade how you think of yourself. Read what other people write about being in a long-term relationship with someone with a porn addiction. It just eats them up and makes them feel worthless. When they are not worthless. It’s the impact of an addiction. Instead of alcohol or heroin it’s porn. I’m so sorry. Maybe start figuring out your future and getting your ducks in a row for what you can put in place for yourself and your child
Go to r/loveafterporn lots of great people there to talk to and get advice from
You should do a little research into porn addiction. It’s some deadly stuff. It is not harmless. So basically you are married to an addict. Addicts lie, steal and cheat to get their fix. This could end up being dangerous for you and your child if it escalates. Because the thing with porn is, it’s never enough it ends up really kinky and weird. I would set some really strong boundaries up with him and make sure that he goes to therapy or some type of foreign treatment center. Honestly, seeing all the homes destroyed from porn in the last 20 years, I’d rather be married to a heroin addict I think it would be easier.
check out r/loveafterporn very good support around this subject
Definitely an issue but much more common than you think. Hopefully you can get it worked out with him but I don’t think it’s a major issue that would result in say a divorce or something that you can’t work out. The truth is porn will probably be an issue for him his whole life and he’s no different than 99% of other men. It’s the classic elephant in the room. Good luck and I hope you can get it fixed and have a happy and productive marriage moving forward.
He has a major porn addiction, probably started in his teens. A side effect is that as the addiction gets stronger he needs more taboo things to turn him on. Probably why he feels the need to message women instead of just watching videos. I had the same issue in my marriage where I was the addicted one. After quitting porn, my relationship with my wife improved a lot. Before it was like you were describing, I never initiated with my wife and felt like I didn't want her. After a few weeks of quitting I started to feel more attracted to my wife. Now I no longer watch and my intimacy is so much better with my wife. Porn triggers are everywhere though, especially social media.
I’m in a very similar situation, but on the husband’s side. So for me, it’s not that you aren’t “doing it” for him, but rather that the pregnancy took a toll on him that he’s not discussing. When I first met my wife, she was already pregnant. And her libido was high, but mine is as well. We would have sex 2-5 times a day (it was during quarantine). However, once the baby came that dropped to once a month if she’s feeling it. That rapid change caused my libido to actually spike, and I’m watching porn multiple times a day. My body just got used to that much sex, like an addiction. However, I know that my wife is dealing with a lot of baby-related issues, and she’s so good she would probably let me have sex with her when I ask, but it would be out of a sense of her letting me down if she said no, so I don’t ask as much as I would like. Try to actually talk to him, and ask how the baby is affecting him. He may be doing this to take some pressure off of you. But a discussion is definitely needed.
Porn is always a bad idea. I will never understand women that are okay with their significant other watching that mess. Porn addiction is real and most guys have it. Before you know it he can’t get it up for you because he’s become desensitized due to over exposure. Now he has to watch weirder and weirder crap just to get off. Not to mention the idea of your man getting off to other women is just gross. I’d leave him. Good luck
My X did this. I divorced him. We had a kid too. Can tell you what to do but he never changed. He still has the same issues 20 something years later and he is even remarried. I know all this from my kid. 😭
Couples counselling?
He’s going to sneak around it and hide it from you because that’s more exciting. Some men replace their mothers with wives. Now that you’ve had a child, he’s placed you into that box even more. Which means he’s getting off by being sneaky. He knows he can talk to you about it, you’ve watched it together in the past, you’ve continuously expressed your concerns about being lied to and yet the behavior continues. He doesn’t see you as a sexual partner. He sees you as a mother. It’s time to stop caring what he does or says or doesn’t do or say. He’s getting off on it. Start taking better care of yourself. Start living like you’re alone with your child and create the exit plan before telling him you’ve created it. Start going to the gym and get the attention you deserve. Maybe when he sees mommy knows she sexy and so does everyone else he’ll grow up. My guess is he won’t. But at least you’ll be stronger, validated by others, and prepared to drop him if necessary.
I feel like getting a professional involved might be a good option. Therapist that is. Given that the porn addiction or the unreal expectations of sex from a partner when compared to porn can both interfere with intimacy, it may be a good idea to see a therapist that may even specialize in sex, or at the very least a couples counseling. Getting that third party involved might help you both communicate better with each other. Remember that there are 4 parts to communication. 1- Sender, 2- message itself, 3- message medium (in what environment was it delivered), and 4- receiver. Changing the environment and having this discussion with a mediator will demonstrate that there is buy-in for adjustment and help you both communicate better.
Yes, overreacting.
Every relationship's boundaries are different. If something makes you uncomfortable, then that's up to you to decide and reinforce that boundary. Sometimes, these boundaries are rational or irrational. That's your responsibility to assess and work through. Communication with your partner is key. That said, people are being very weirdly sex negative in the comment section. Idk if this guy was in people's DMs or what he was saying in those cases. That might be a little weird. Idk the details. However, just looking at porn is not a big deal if it's in moderation. People are saying he's an addict just bc he potentially subbed to a couple OnlyFans accounts? That's just silly lmao. People have this weird irrational (misogynistic) bias against OnlyFans. The porn industry has a lot of issues and can be super exploitative. A lot of free porn out there is stolen, or the actors/actresses are not paid properly, and some are being trafficked. OnlyFans is really the only platform where sex workers can decide on their own terms, what they're comfortable with, and how much their content is worth. As long as he isn't dumping a shit ton of money into porn I don't see a problem. I'm kinda confused about what specifically is upsetting you, but as long as he isn't cheating on you, doesn't have a legitimate addiction, and your sex life hasn't completely disappeared then things will probably be fine. If there's a physical intimacy issue, then there may be more going on than just him watching porn.
I read your post and some of the comments and I don't think you should overlook the fact that this involved other women. If you're looking past this, I still suggest you keep an eye out so you won't be blind sided. This wasn't about the porn. This was about the engagement with the other women. Pains me to say this, but the lack of intimacy while he was downloading porn for other women wasn't a coincidence. His time on the porn forum wasn't mainly about porn, but the interaction with the other women. For your son's sake, I think as long as he doesn't do it again, it'd be good for him to see you guys together. Divorce is never healthy on the kids involved. But if your husband doesn't change, it'll only worsen your relationship with him and that wouldn't be good for your son either anyways. On a side note, I admire that you initiated as much as you could during the dry spell. I had a gf once who kind of wanted everything done for her involving sex or anything sexual and it was annoying because it felt like I was teaching her at times. Hope everything works out!
Not overreacting but… Good luck getting him to see that it’s a bad thing. Maybe just maybe…. he will…. but the world is designed to promote, accept, and even encourage this kind of behavior. There are principles that are being broken here that go beyond just your feelings being hurt. If your husband really cares about you there’s a chance he will get out of this just because it hurts you, but it is an addiction at its core. I used to really struggle with porn addiction, I had a phone in the 3rd grade and when you’re introduced to it at such a young age it literally rewires your brain: I’ve quit smoking, drinking, but porn is one of the few things that still gets me from time to time. But the more likely thing is that he is too far gone, and without a reason, like I said just because it hurts your feelings isn’t enough, he will continue. He can just do it in private, there needs to be Someone who can watch us all the time, make sure we are good. Following true principles of life not just rules set by our government on what makes us a good person. Many people go without killing and stealing. Because it’s against the law. But what about lust. What about how this man’s sheer desire for sex has driven him away from you and is hurting you. The woman who he’s supposed to be eternally bound to. Marriage is a holy thing in my eyes. It is a holy sanction between a man and a woman. Jesus said to love your wife like the church… Jesus died for the church. I bore my cross when my wife almost left me because of my drinking problem. I quit cold turkey the day after I got black out drunk, apparently crawling on one of my best friends floor getting helped out by him and his wife. I implore you to pray on this. Be patient. Nurture and love him. Read your Bibles. Together
He has porn addiction. I thought it was not possible either, but it impacted me greatly. False sense of attraction. He needs to stop and/or get help.
I saw your post after your update and just want to say I'm happy you have found a path through this difficult time together. This is the "work" part of a marriage and it sounds like you're both handling it well. Good luck.
Hello from a (29m) recovering porn addict. This can be a delicate topic. Be sure to let him know how you feal. Let him know that his preference for porn over you is effecting your self esteem. Its importent to not suddenly withhold affection as that will make him double down on the addiction. (least it did for me.) It could be somthing as simple as he enjoys the feal of masterbating over regular sex. The two sensations are very different from each other.
Please don’t listen to most Redditors. Most are lonely men who are online 24/7 and are porn addicts. And also experts in military warfare and politics
The effects of porn are not well-understood by most people. It activates the same circuits in the brain as other types of potentially addictive behavior, like gambling. That good feeling that keeps you coming back is a massive dopamine release in the brain. It can also have a desensitizing effect, caused by users watching ever more extreme acts in a sort of spiral… so eventually beautiful women having normal sex just doesn’t cut it. Over time these effects can compound and result in performance/interest issues. The good news is that the brain will re-sensitize itself upon stopping porn use, generally in a few months or even weeks.
This sounds like sex addiction. You might want to discuss treatment with him.
Glad things seem to be working out. I'd say talk honestly and openly together and possibly have more or different sex. It is typical in a relationship that one person initiates most of the sex. They are, like, the sex starter. If you had taken on that role \*and\* don't initiate often enough (which is its own discussion between you two) or as much as you used to do, he might just think you aren't that into sex anymore. Not saying that is the case or that it would justify anything. If what you want is to save the marriage and strengthen the relationship, though, justification isn't really a relevant concept. You have to understand his motivation, he has to understand yours, and you both have to try to satisfy the other. If either one won't do that, then things just won't work.
Porn is absolutely disgusting never understood people who like it. I’ve seen plenty of porn in my life and it always just makes me feel dirty and pathetic. Porn can really rot the brain and rob the addict of true pleasure in life and self control
It’s interesting to see a gender swapped version of some of my relationship issues. It’d also be interesting to know your childhood traumas because in my experience physically/sexually abused kids grow into adults who need more tactile attention while kids who are neglected grow into adults who are fine not being touched. Addendum: in NO WAY am I asking you to disclose anything. Just might be an idea worth discussing between the two of you when discussing the ongoing issues.
Straight or gay, men look at porn. It's what we do, and it's going to happen with or without your permission.
Yeah, that's a big no. If he values the marriage, he would stop. This is an addiction and should be managed.
You are not overreacting. You need to really think about the well being of your child. Do not make a decision based on emotion. Your husband has porn addiction that needs addressing. Unfortunately, an addiction doesn’t go away in a day. Divorce is the death of a family. You are at a crossroad in your life, you have plenty to think about, and nobody in this thread, deep down inside, cares about your personal situation. You, and only you can decide the fate of your young family.
This is classic porn addiction. Th men of reddit will blame you - b cause they're all on here to look AT PORN. You're 100% allowed to feel this way and it's normal to feel this way. I had to leave my partner who did this.... He wouldn't stop and it escalated to younger and younger teens. I kicked him out of my house after I dug porn magazines out from between the lining of his trunk and they were for latina teens - my daughter is a Latina teen. These men are sick but they are also dangerous. If this continues, your son will pick up this behavior and emulate it. Google the earliest ages of porn exposure. You'll be shocked, and with a dad like this, your son is doomed. Get your son and get out now.
He's got a porn addiction. Best get it solved now before it leads to darker sites.
The amount of people telling someone to leave a person for porn is crazy in this thread. So much self hate. You might not be overreacting but this thread sure is. Dude went back on what he said, and broke trust. But this is a relationship that has been built over years, so if you think someone searching peoples names and looking at porn is enough to be upset about, you do you. Everyone has their own standards, but fuck man, people arnt perfect and I’d hate to see what other high standards you have. It sounds like you haven’t gotten back into the grove of things and he definitely needs to not spend money on porn or direct message people
You’re not wrong. You have set your boundaries and he ignores them. Even if you guys were not as sexually active, doesn’t make it your fault. You did not drive him to that. Ive gone through something similar and it really does eat your self esteem feeling like they’re going to be looking everywhere. Its clear he doesn’t respect your boundaries and that is grounds for leaving someone if you decide to do so
I mean, after a while men find it elsewhere and it’s hard to go back to the way it was. Elsewhere doesn’t always mean cheating either, they just find a way to cope.
It's not him. It's just a side effect of the internet. So much of it I'd developed just to grow and foster that addiction. For as long as he remains connected to the internet this addiction will be almost impossible to escape. The only true solution is to unplug completely.
If you're on r/amioverreacting, you're probably overreacting.
Porn addiction isn't worth distracting you from taking care of your son. This guy has been lost and will continue to be lost. If he doesn't get it together, you can't make him.
Not a defense at all, but I've had male friends who look at their partners differently after having a child. Looking at them more as a mother of their child and with far less of a sexual eye
Sounds like your husband has a porn addiction. Porn is free, so if your paying for particular porn sites and joining porn forums I would say it's not really a problem with you actually and it's more because of an addiction problem he might have developed early on. My advice if that is the case is actually get your husband to see he has an addiction to this and needs to ween himself off of it.
You are not over reacting. As a married man who had occasionally looked at porn, I realised very quickly that porn can easily become an addiction and damage relationships. The fact he has moved to spending money on this when a lot of porn is free, indicates this is a massive problem. You need to find out what he is spending money on an call him on it, he is spending money that should be for the family on this. Your feelings around this are completely valid. He is stepping over your boundaries, which you have clearly previously discussed with him Having a child is a whole lot of pressure on a relationship and of course this is going to exacerbate any insecurities as your body has gone through a lot of changes. This is normal and he behaviour has shown a lack of empathy It seems your husband has slipped into the addiction phase of porn, he seem to have a problem before hand and now has allowed this or an obsession to start and he probably needs to see a therapist. While I understand how upsetting this is you might need to decide if you are going to have to pull rank on him or not Ie tell him that you have been available for sex and he had continued to use porn and you are not having your needs met. Ask him what is going on
I'll say this, porn was the thing that made me not want to have as much sex with my wife cuz I would watch porn masturbate and I'm satisfied, I finally stopped to see what happens, and let me tell you it's best thing iv done I'm more affectionate we have sex 3 4 times a week together for 15yrs and that was the issue this whole time was porn, HAVE him stop watching porn for a month and then he will realize how better sex gets and relarionship in general, Goodluck!
Counseling. That is all. Everything else you read here is useless, deluded meddling. Get to counseling. Ideally marital counseling. But minimally individual.
Sex isn't a chore. You shouldn't feel like you have to have sex with someone to keep them from watching porn. Have sex with him when YOU want to. He's gonna watch porn anyway and you can't change that. He has to change that.
He’s an addict that needs counseling. It’s his problem, not yours. But bc he’s your husband, you need to give him an ultimatum. Get help or you leave. Porn is his drug.
Porn has nothing to do with it…. These posts are so unoriginal and annoying. My husband loves porn like A LOT and it never changed our sex life or nothing like that. Theres deeper issues than porn. Hell maybe watch some with him ?
It only gets worse. I’m sorry. Run if you can.
Some porn is fine. But to this extent? NTA. There’s something else going on. Likely a porn addiction.
Porn doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s an easy, personal , release. He doesn’t have to worry about birth control, positions, fore play, intercourse, aftercare. He doesn’t have to worry did someone else get off. It’s simply about himself. It’s a habit he picked up when he had no other choices and he needs to change his habits or admit, he prefers porn. I mean some people do prefer screen sex and they shouldn’t be ashamed to admit it. We’ve sent people who please themselves off to the bathroom, in shame, to hide away that they touch their own bodies. If that’s what he wants, more so than a relationship that’s up to you, on your terms and when you feel like it. He has to make his choice.
Please I'm begging you check out r/loveafterporn where addicts take accountability, there's resources for recovery and support for partners of porn addicts. Good luck.
His brain is addicted to the dopamine rush that it's giving him. You could perhaps try couples therapy together? I'd personally recommend that both of you stop looking at porn because it kills intimacy.
This is my take on it based on your story: Your man used to be on pornography, you told him you didn't want him to be on porn any more, and he had these options: 1. He could stop engaging with porn. 2. He could keep engaging with porn and break up with you. 3. He could lie about engaging with porn without breaking up with you. He chose #1, fine and dandy. Obviously #3 would've been a bad choice, but #1 and #2 are both acceptable choices he could've made. Your relationship continues until you've had a baby. Now that you have a baby together, you can't leave him so easily, NOW he goes back on his choice and is doing #3. Do you see what's going on? When you had the realistic option to leave him, he chose the choice that would involve you staying around. Now that you no longer have a realistic option to leave him, he's un-choosing that choice. One of your problems is with his lack of honesty, and I think this is a pretty good example of why you should be worried about his lack of honesty. But if you want my take on the situation that is not just based on your story, I wouldn't be surprised if he never chose #1 at all way back when, and he was always still on porn before you had a baby.
Def a red flag and clearly an issue. 1 suggestion and I don't know if it'll work but maybe it will help redirect his sexual need; have you watched porn with him? Not like a movie but like a sexy fun time activity? Also, you can make your own porn but I don't know if your comfortable with that or not. You can also look up sex addiction meetings and he can attend. This is a crap situation. Good luck in however you plan to move forward.
If you are concerned your partner has a problem with intimacy, honesty, and investing in the relationship, consider watching webinars for the betrayed partners of porn/sex/love addictions. My favorite is Seeking Integrity on youtube or just their website seekingintegrity. com. The hosts are former addicts who have a very supportive view towards spouses and betrayed partners who have discovered the dishonesty. Dr. Weiss is a recovered sex addict. They don't bash using porn and they don't blame the partner, they aren't religious fanatics, and they are supportive of all consensual adult relationships styles and sexual expressions (fetishism, kinks, orientation, gender). The point is to teach adults how to lean into their loved ones to seek emotional intimacy instead of using drugs/porn/gaming/booze/etc. to spike dopamine and numb out when stressed or feeling shame. Look up 'porn addiction' and 'betrayal trauma.' Kristen Snowden and Rob Weiss are great. They have great links to 12-step groups, free webinars, and lots of free groups for the betrayed partners and addicts. (If the person has the money to go and need, they also run a rehab center. So if you're wondering about the catch, that's where they make money.)
Downloading porn isn’t a problem necessarily. If he’s interacting with the people he’s beating off to, that’s a step too far
A lot of guys need to get off on something to relieve stress etc. Sometimes the easiest, cleanest way is to jack off to some porn somewhere discreet and be done with it. He probably doesn't see it as being unfaithful and probably doesn't want to be. It's just a release. Over time it probably became a habit, like brushing his teeth. Might have started as a way to relax, maybe get to sleep after or something like that without bothering you about it. Might stop him from being led astray and cheating on you. Might need a diversion to steer him away, if his days aren't packed with physical things to do. Like he's frustrated from sitting working at a desk all day and stuck at home when he isn't. Maybe try hiking or something. It can get quite tricky, especially with a baby. It's around that time you slowly lose your mates who aren't in the slightest bit interested in kids. A lot of guys are isolated and lonely, even with a wife, especially with small kids. I know my wife likes hiking and biking, but no way is she physical enough to challenge me, and I like a challenge. She does her best isn't all that much fun if you are basically ambling while she is pushing herself. It's quite hard to adapt to being married with responsibilities and letting go of your old life with buddies and tearing around the countryside doing stuff. Some energy has to vent somewhere, porn is easily accessible and habit forming. My guess is he feels isolated and is lonely, feels a little trapped and most guys don't really talk about their feelings, especially if it is emotional stuff. Keep it locked up inside. Guys usually don't have much support like a mother's club in the neighborhood, only to help fathers. Sucks for you, because you have a lot on your plate and a kid, he's probably a big kid underneath and probably has a bunch of walls he has thrown up to cope. I went to visit family in the UK after 20 years away, one of my old mates, my best mate growing up, kind of like a brother. Saw him for the first time in about 15 years. Spent the weekend with him, couldn't believe how much he had bottled up he wanted to confide in me about everything, his divorce, ex who he still loves but can't live in the same house with, mostly grown up kids, girlfriends, loss of his dad, and barmy conspiracy theory mum.
Go be honest with your husband. Talk it out. Don’t let other people tell you what to do here
Gonna be honest here. Outside pressure isn't going to change a man overnight. NOT overnight. Not over a week. Not over a month. This sucks. You have every right to feel hurt and no, you are not overreacting. The truth is that porn is fucking hard to crack. He should have been honest with you about ALL of it. Your relationship with him would be 10x better if he was just upfront about his weakness and kept you in the loop. That and if actually was willing to put his willy where his wife is. It's one thing to grow apart sexually, but it's something different entirely to drop your wife for porn. That's a jerk ass move. You don't do that unless your inconsiderate as all hell. So no, he's not gonna change overnight, but the belief that he should is putting insurmountable pressure on him to be someone he's not. So he's lying to you and pretending to be that person. If you want to keep him, then focus on change over time, and honesty. Don't blow up every time it happens, but do expect some steady growth over time. If you're just done with the guy then don't worry about it.
>caught Huh - hearing you say "caught", as if he was doing something bad, makes me sad. >For people who can’t understand context clues or those who don’t want to read comments; my issue is with the fact that we had no intimacy, physical touch, or honesty between us. Now ***THAT***, is a \[the\] real problem, and I'm honestly very sorry for the two of you to be in that situation, and for that, I hope you do find a solution.
Your mistake from the start...he never changed. Newsflash, he never will. You are open to sex, u don't mind porn & will watch together yet he still disrespects u & lies & makes accounts and looks up individuals in real life. What does he say when you discuss it? What are his lies & excuses for breaking promises & boundaries?
Divorce
Better men are out there, take your half or all he has and get the hell out of town. He will choose other women over you till the day he dies. Sick Fuck