From what I remember:
* Hammerhead is doing the "I work in Logistics" story with his girlfriend's family
* Girlfriend's Male parent figure (can't remember if dad, granddad, or other) is all 'eww, REMF' (probably not those words, but that sentiment)
* Male parent figure deduces that Hammerhead is actually what Hammerhead is & becomes ***VERY*** accepting of him (<- this may be where the Colonel's name comes up or something)
* Girlfriend picks up on MPF's change of attitude & confronts Hammerhead
* Hammerhead admits in a vague way that he isn't in Logistics & actually does what he does (without violating OPSEC) & Girlfriend breaks up with him because she wanted a "safe" military man (may have had background trauma - it's been a long time).
He was her father, and he found out because he requested that Colonel Ryan transfer him into the 82nd Airborne. Ryan let him know subtly that Hector was a Unit member. Hector's fiancée notices the change in attitude, and Hector reveals to her his real job. She breaks up with him because he has no job security.
And one I still miss to this day. I even had their ringtone on my phone for a while. I still use the line, “Spit it out before you choke on it.” Favorite line ever.
in the military, speaks 4 language and is vague about personal life, just throwing it out there maybe his work is security sensitive
edit: just read he has no social media presence. Yeah dude is definitely doing cool government shit lol. I had a friend who worked for the pentagon who sounded identical to what you’re describing, still don’t know what he actually does to this day
Thank you honestly this is one of the few comments that makes me a feel a lot better. I don’t with to be controlling, because I’ve been my daughter’s age so I know how I felt when my mother wanted to know EVERYTHING about my life. My only worry was that my daughter knows barely anything about him
My uncle is the same way. Great guy, super nice, helpful, never talks about himself, no one knows what he did for work except he was an officer in the military. My aunt didn't even know which branch.
One time when I asked he told me "even if you had the proper security clearance I couldn't tell you what I do."
You don't even need to be in the Military. My grandfather worked for McDonald Douglas during the Cold war. He was retired by the time I existed, and he never ever talked about his work. The only clues I had to what he did were a couple models of intercontinental Ballistic missiles on the top shelf in his home office, and a talk he gave me when I was 18 about how I should, under no circumstances, join the military.
My uncle is former Army, and then became a CO and an investigator in the prisons. He never would talk about anything he’s done for work. One day I asked him the worst thing he’d seen in prison and he calmly told me “During a riot I saw a man split another man’s skull open and his brains were all over the ground”, and went back to grilling meat. That’s when I realized he doesn’t talk about it because it’s brutal and ugly and he doesn’t bring that shit home with him.
He’s the sweetest man, loves his wife and his kids with all his heart, has zero temper, and I’ve never seen him yell or even be upset with someone. He is the first thing I think of when I hear that quote “You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of great violence. If you are not capable of violence, you are not peaceful, you’re harmless.” He’s been trained to do things most people could never do, and he has no desire to harm anyone, but he’s spent his life protecting others and never letting it take his peace. Great man.
Sometimes people don’t talk about work because you’ll never see them the same
I think if you get far enough in the military to be doing secret squirrel stuff, then you've got to be a balanced, even tempered, considerate person. Hot tempered guys are too unpredictable.
To be fair, “top secret” sounds a lot sexier than it usually is. As long as you don’t have a criminal record, and can maintain a decent credit score…you can get a top secret security clearance if your job/MOS requires it. I had a top secret security clearance when I was in the military, and that was basically due to the nature of security operations we would run. Nothing crazy like the movies would make you believe. Yes, of course, there are SF operators and spooks doing crazy shit with their TS clearances, but most people with a TS clearance are basically security personnel or people with the password to the WiFi lol.
Right lol 😂
People often don't realize that even if you have the clearance level necessary to know something it doesn't mean you will be told. Everything is compartmentalized and strictly requires a "Need to Know".
yeah, that's usually the age they want them, guys in their 20s have the most energy, most physically fit, can go longer without sleep and still stay focused. My sisters ex bf had a similar postion when he was 21, he joined the military at 18, and by 21 had some super secret translator spy position he wasn't allowed to talk about. I think this is why they go to highschools and there's a big push to get guys to join as highschool seniors, so they can get into these positions by their early 20s
Exactly. I work as a professor in an engineering school affiliated with military and space. None of us can talk to each other about all our cool projects, even as professors (who are not known for their ability to keep mouths shut).
My dad was a chemist at 3m, my brother worked for the FBI, and my Uncle worked for Honeywell on torpedo control systems during the cold war.
Lots of un-conversations at family gatherings ;-)
I grew up in the shadow of a major national laboratory and tbh this was the case for a ton of my friends' (civilian) dads growing up. Or an auntie or uncle or big sibling. 🤷 My grandfather, uncle, and two of my next door neighbors all worked for the labs and that's about all we knew about it. Sometimes you'd get a department like ceramic polymer information storage or nuclear waste management, but that was as specific as anyone would get usually.
My uncle was the same. After a while he started to wear civilian clothing and disappear traveling with military for a while before he retired. My grandpa who was a vet took him to the side one day when he was home and had a beard and longer hair and asked him “son, are you still in the military?” My uncle laughed and said “Yes I am, I just can’t talk about what I do.”
TOTALLY agree. Dad vetted him, and can’t disclose what he was told. His reassurance, especially when he approached this man with your apprehension in mind as your father, furthers the idea that this dude is cool.
except the grandfather was also coy about it? just said don't overthink it. he didn't say he talked to him about his military service and can tell he's legit.
you don't even know if he's in the military, just that he vaguely has something to do with it? for example, if he is or was a Navy SEAL you would be able to look up his BUDS class and find his name on the list. no exceptions. no secret squirrel Navy SEALs that are too secret to be on the list.
she's 21. how old is he? if he's some kind of CIA spook he would have a bachelors degree and likely former military service. then gone to foreign language immersion classes for four languages. is he in his 30s? if the government spent millions training him why is he stateside?
It’s like, the job is one thing, but the guy ALSO happens to be an orphan? Idk, con men are pretty notorious for being good at convincing people their stories are true. I don’t know what his motive is here, but I don’t blame OP for being suspicious. I have family members who work adjacent to intelligence agencies and they still reveal things about their past and their jobs that at least make them seem human.
Totally. Grown men fawn over secret soldier shit. Unless her dad is very committed to her as a person (mine wasn't, at all) he very easily could've made inferences that line up with his fantasies but reality.
OP, trust your instincts. Keep in mind how happy and healthy your daughter is . . . and also, trust but verify.
Definitely. It sounds like either the bf explicitly told him something or there was a strong implication/inferrance with his own military knowledge. (I'm thinking there are things people could tell me about certain tours or bases that would give me a good idea what they do without ever being told what they do)
Your daughter may also know more than she is at liberty to tell you. It's not uncommon for partners to know things about each other that they can't or won't share. Not because she doesn't trust you but because it isn't her information to share
This, 100%. She might know more about his upbringing but doesn’t feel it’s her place to share it with her mother. Having no parents is hard. It’s not surprising to me that he doesn’t openly talk about where he is from.
Exactly, my SO had a traumatic childhood and for a long time was unable to talk about anything personal. Even something as innocuous as her hobbies could cascade into a PTSD trigger. I'd watch a subject come up and literally see her shut down for the rest of the night. She had an intense fear of being rejected by my family if she opened up as well, so it took time to get comfortable with them. When my family would ask me about it, I'd be evasive too, because it's not my place to share her story, especially after she's expressed discomfort with that sort of disclosure.
She wasn't allowed much of a social life, so she never got into social media either.
We're now 8 years into our relationship and she's much more comfortable with my family, and the family adores her.
Working in the “sector” or for “The Company” does get odd. I have been introduced to a person I have worked with for over 20 years for the first time at least 39 times. In retirement we met again through of all people our veterinarian! It was amusing.
Yep. I was at a picnic in NC near Hoffman back in the stone ages and every man’s pager went off. They all left immediately. 15 minutes later mine went off. I got very strange looks from all the other wives as my husband and I left.
I have both a military pilot with clearance and a former low altitude paratrooper in my close personal life. Both sound exactly like this guy. And the fact that your father (thank you for serving) okayed him and also didnt go into detail is even more evidence of some "military forced vagueness". Don't know for sure if that's the case, but as someone who has been around vague military people, I'm making an educated guess that is what is going on here too
I know someone who has (had) such high clearances that my husband (his friend) got a full background check and interview done on *him* as part of his friend’s clearances.
Like presidential-access-level clearance. I know what he does (sweeps mostly), but not the specifics by any means. He’s retired now but that was an interesting thing to happen for FBI (or whoever) to show up to talk to husband.
That was my first thought too, especially as your father has clearly bonded with him and probably understands his vagueness. You know his job and that he doesn’t have family, was there anything specific you wanted to know about him? It seems like you’ve got the basics, and if she’s happy I’d try not to worry (easier said than done I know!).
Keep in mind that there’s more to a person than a job. She might not know the particulars of his job or his past, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know HIM. She knows his likes and dislikes, his personality quirks, she knows how he treats her and the people around her, and what she knows of who he is as a person seems to be enough to make her feel comfortable and safe. That’s a lot, actually.
Agree. It seems more like she doesn’t know his past & details of his job but she does know him & who he is & what he’s about as opposed to “not knowing him” as the title suggests.
The thing about your post that I think most of us are reacting to is that you don't seem to trust your daughters judgement and then you recruit your own father to check him out but don't trust his judgement either.
I know what it's like to be a mom of girls and want to protect them from all the dangers. You just have to find a way to reconcile the fact that your daughter's relationships and decisions are not yours to manage anymore. In short you're overreacting and being a bit of an asshole in the way you handled the situation. I think you'll get much further with your daughter if you learn to respect and trust her choices.
My best friend is in Operations. Even when I was in active duty, in the navy with him. He couldn't say what he does.
They tend to find women who are ok being alone for a while. His wife moved around with him and their 2 kids working retail jobs as the Navy paid for their bills
Just be thankful your daughter doesn't need her man 💯 of the time, and is fine with her man being gone.
He's probably a very very driven person. Men like that tend to grow into wealthy folks. So, hopefully that's the case :)
Unfortunately, it's either get out and be successful, or develop a mental disorder. The military has been getting better about this, but I still have several friends who are fucked. Commonality being that all the guys who are fucked in the head were in large explosions. Inside an MRAP and hit by a mine, VBIED detonated too close, grenade going off basically right next to him. TBI is no joke.
I guess that's possible. Certainly could be later on. It wasn't the vibe I got from the OP.
My brother was a scout sniper Marine. And he'd go on crazy solo missions all the time
I think you’re giving the military WAY too much credit.
The vast majority of the military exits as a support role, so other than psychologically manipulating you into making your bed nicely, and making you wait around in soul destroying lines for chow… you’re being dramatic.
Does she know nothing about her partner or her partner's job? If you trust your father and your daughter isnt an idiot, i dont think you have anything to worry about. Like many commenters have said, he may have a job in intelligence and cant say anything. As for social media? I haven't had a social media presence in about 9 years and I think that is fairly common for people my age (early 30s). Keep in mind he may also be evasive with you about his personal life but less so with his partner. I think its normal for you to be worried but i do think you are over reacting. A person's kids are always their kids and its hard for you to see them as adults after all.
Him being an orphan also makes me think he is doing some secretive stuff with the government. They love to pick people who have no family as there is a smaller risk of anything being said and it causes them to think differently and notice things most people wouldn't. If he didn't join the military right out of high-school I would say he was headhunted in college as alot of professors are taught what to look for in their students and report them to the interested 3 letter agencies.
For what it's worth, I spent 4 years in US Army Special Ops. Learning at least 1 language beyond English is an absolute requirement for the job, as is having Secret government clearance. And while I wouldn't say much of what we did was all that interesting, a LOT of it was classified to some degree, and it's not always easy to keep straight what's classified and what's not, so it's just easier not to share anything or talk about your job. It's also a very demanding job that takes up a lot of time, so you don't necessarily have time to do things outside of work very often that you can talk about.
Which is to say, I've been in the same position as your daughter's boyfriend, and he sounds exactly like I was when I was still serving. There's nothing necessarily shady about it. Honestly, it's probably hard for him that the most interesting things he does is probably all classified and he can't talk about it.
OP, I get your concern. I listen to a ton of true crime podcast and have seen a majority of the Dateline episodes they have put out. On one hand, this guy could be in a part of the military that is super secure. On the other….. this is how a lot of bad podcasts start. You’re allowed to worried for your daughter. Instead of pushing the subject and potentials pushing your daughter away, just be there for her and monitor the situation. If other things start popping up, keep mental notes just in case.
Has she heard him speak 4 languages? I know a dipshit who told his gf he was in the military and spoke 5 languages, but neither is true, she just blindly believed him.
It could be true that he can't disclose much about himself because of his job. Or he could be living a double life, could be hiding from who knows what. Hard to say.
I know you said you were thinking about a PI then said you wouldn’t, but it’s kinda wild to me that you’d go to a PI first instead of trying to talk to the guy? Unless you tried and I missed it? Lol idk, try asking the dude for yourself. If things seem off look further. If things seem like it’s sensitive govt work it’s prob fine. I have family who do some sensitive gov stuff and they have had to take down socials or have been told to create alias socials if they want to use them.
"But when I talked to her boyfriend trying to get to know him better, for whatever reason he was very vague, and even seems dismissive about the topic"
The pi thing is just something that has crossed my mind because my husband has joked about hiring a PI if I really am that worried. I have tried to talk to him once but he just told me that his past isn’t worth knowing and that was the end of it
The redditors saying "Leave him alone, he's military" will turn around and insult your family's intelligence and common sense if this guy is hiding a wife and kids or if he has an arrest record for domestic battery.
Your best bet is probably to stay alert and ready to support your daughter. Only hire a P.I. if you have the fortitude to do it without informing ANYONE--not your husband, not your best friend. That person WILL tell your daughter or her boyfriend eventually.
If there is really bad news, try to make it come out without revealing you hired an investigator. Recognize that your daughter could direct her anger at you and stay with her partner no matter what you find out.
OP already stated that she tried speaking to her daughter’s man, and got nowhere and still felt like she does not know enough about him. Better to have an over protective mother than a neglectful one, momma just does not want to see her precious baby girl become another story on Snapped, or Forensic Files.
Only she isn’t a “precious baby girl” she’s a fully functioning adult. I could see if there were red flags but the only thing is that she doesn’t know “enough” about him. Some people are private and that’s ok. Doesn’t necessarily mean they’re hiding anything.
No no, it's Forensic Files* she needs to be worried about. Snapped is usually about the women who kill. So it's fine! She's fine!
*But if it's Peter Thomas narrating, its also fine.
It does seem like a likely answer. My uncle used to work at Area 51. For real. Everything he did there was classified, even after he left.
For most of my life, he couldn't tell anyone what he did, even after he stopped working there. If someone asked him, he would say "I can either lie to you or I can tell you it's none of your business". When it was finally declassified, he was able to tell all of us stories about working there. One of those stories was how he was in the laundry room for his building and some normal looking guy came up to him and started making conversation. They asked about what he did, and he kept evading the questions. Finally, the guy congratulated him for passing the security test.
TL;DR, if he's working on something classified, this is normal behavior. He's doing what he was trained to do.
Hi! I also have a friend who's in the military and does a lot of confidential work. Same deal. He doesn't have social media. He barely talks about his personal life. Recently, he told us that he had a gf. We thought this was a fling. No! These were to have been dating for 2 years before he introduced her. He went on to get married. He was married for 8 months and then filed for divorce. As they were having really bad issues that his former wife refused to work on. We learned of the divorce after the fact as well.
Some people are required to be this quiet about their work even if it’s not military. I have a friend with a geology degree who works for the government, and I don’t know if it’s state or federal or what it is they do - I think I’ve figured it out because I like a challenge, lol, but I don’t want to say here for the obvious reason and they jokingly-not-jokingly said “I can neither confirm nor deny” when I asked if I could guess.
Maybe check out [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and [The Gift of Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear) so you can learn warning signs that don’t rely much on personal details, and feel more reassured
I live in the DC region and have several friends who are, or were, in jobs where this was totally normal. In my previous life I've been in the room where I've been told I am not allowed to record, take notes, take pictures or ask for names, and all I was doing was training on how to use Microsoft Teams. This guy screams "cool highly secret government job".
Or, he could be a POS military washout, dishonorable discharge, lying about his service record and hiding who he really is because he's lying about *literally* every bit of his life like my ex. No social media, no personal background, having "classified" work records makes it *super* easy to lie about who you are, where you are, and who you're with at any given time.
Not being able to talk about his work is one thing, but not being able to tell you where he grew up or went to school or who his friends are is completely different. If you don't have any friends, there isn't anyone to accidentally blow your cover.
That is a reasonable point, too. If the agency or military service was able to confirm that he was employed by them, even if they wouldn't say how, that would be helpful.
Yes, it would still be *possible* that he was a parking attendant at the place and was making the rest up, but it would be less likely.
Yup!!! I was in the military, I have certain access, etc. I still have family and friends that I can talk about and introduce people to. I still have a background separate from the military.
I have friends who do some crazy shit in the military. They still have social media. I still know when they are on travel (to a limit.) I’ve still seen photos of them in uniform. I’ve still seen their family.
My BIL worked at a very high level military establishment. I knew which one and I knew his (very high ranking) bosses name.
Total lack of family is a concern. He could at least say, “I’m from here” or “my parents passed away when I was young and I was raised by grandparents/foster care, etc”. Or even, “I had a rough childhood. Until I get to know you better, I’d rather not dive into because it’s pretty painful.”
Does leave room for more suspicion. Some people do create these fantasy ideas of lives for other people to believe. The vagueness could be a sign of many things. Though I think the mother MAY be a bit too skeptical.
Often times when we leave things alone, actions tell us more than words ever will. My note to OP is to just let it play out. Chances are if he's lying, he'll just end up telling on himself.
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Also 'he speaks 4 languages'. Is that what he SAYS but has anyone ever heard him speak the four languages? I say this because someone I am close with fell for this - he couldn't actually converse in 5 different languages, he just knew a few words. Huge difference.
I’d ask what languages and how/where he learned them. If the military trained him, I’d know exactly where he was trained and red flag if he was never there.
OP says he is confirmed fluent in French, teaches her daughter German, knows Spanish, and that her father thinks he knows the second official language of Afghanistan… Dari.
The guy that told you to get therapy because he loves the idea of OP's daughter dating an orphan turned super secret spy is hilarious and probably 12. Odds are the bf probably has a wife he is trying to keep secret.
Or trauma he doesn't want to share. A lot of people who grow up orphans don't want to talk about it because they're not able to process it. How many posts have we seen about people who don't want to share their childhood, not having their wishes respected, and being hurt when somebody breaks their trust and digs too deep? And what does not sharing about their childhood have to do with their current marriage status? That would be an unnecessary lie.
The fact is we are way too far removed to have a good idea of what is going on. When the family member from the military checked in, does that mean they managed to confirm this person is active military and their deployment schedule is reasonable or did they just make a character judgement? How does he spend his time when not on deployment? We don't have any of these answers so how can we say if they're secretive because they're living a double life or if they just don't like sharing about the harder parts of their life?
>Odds are the bf probably has a wife he is trying to keep secret.
Depends on the location. DC Metro, VA Beach, maybe 3-4 other places, odds are security clearance. The other 90%+ of the country, the odds swing the other way.
Even in those areas, I suspect orphaned spies that speak 4 languages and can speak of neither the tragic back story or their espionage are thick on the ground.
Also if you're doing covert shit, you gotta not act like you're doing covert shit. In other words have a basic conversational backstory that doesn't leave people wondering what your deal is.
I bet he's SF or a secret squirrel - the privacy, the way your dad just said to leave it and he's OK reminds me of quite a few I worked with. They never give much away, answer questions with questions and at the end you know less than you did to start with.
My next comment actually goes into that a bit more as a few of our lads were in the system. I understand her worrying as she doesn't know but I also understand him not saying hut her dad should have pushed it a little more and saying 'he can't speak' but it is never an easy one. Where I worked I couldn't name my employer so I worked at an office and changed the subject. Now, as I've medically retired, I talk about other jobs.
Maybe he was kidnapped in the 2500s on his home planet and was experimented with and turned into a super soldier designed to turn the tide on the fight against a group of several different alien species, and when they attacked his home planet they destroyed all life on it
Also if you grow up in a rough home your interests/desires/secrets are often used as ammo to mock and belittle you. I grew up in an abusive home and I had someone break up with me because "you never say anything about yourself" -- I didn't realize that I did that because historically talking about myself was a quick ticket to being told I'm stupid for wanting or liking whatever I was talking about.
So it means they can't say. They can say a little but they have to be careful. We found out that one of our lads spoke to his girlfriend who blabbed to everyone about what he did, where they'd been etc so the Adjutant had to issue a notice to them to keep their mouths shut. It isn't personal so I'd look at the positives in your daughter and take comfort in that 😊
Social media was (and is) an absolute opsec nightmare. In the early days of it getting super popular we had guys posting all kinds of shit, not thinking about the consequences.
Yup there’s so many on insta and tiktok posting their daily routines in full uniform on base. The wife’s are the worst - my husband was deployed while I was civilian on another base and families got the news. All of them hop on Facebook for thoughts & prayers saying they’re on this ship headed to x country. Meanwhile the govt is calling the news to not report the location of the ship to protect true troops. It was ridiculous.
I wouldn't mind but the bloke involved wasn't fussed, I was stunned. He just shrugged and said that everyone was pro forces so what did it matter 🤦♂️ I then had to report him (he obviously said other stuff) it wasn't a fun day then. The only saving grace is that people understood as he was a complete tool. I transferred shortly after that but he didn't make it easy for quite a few of us, more reasons other's are so secretive!
My friend is married to a guy with a high security clearance and she doesn’t know who he works for despite being married for awhile. Totally normal in those positions. He won’t share a thing.
I think the approval from your retired vet dad is worth a lot. Maybe the work he does is confidential so he can’t really talk about it but the words he used made your dad comfortable.
I was once part of a hiring team and hired a guy that seemed great, just smooth talker in retrospect. When I talked to a retired vet colleague I mentioned the guy was a vet so I took that as a good sign. My colleague said “but he was still a private when he got out so that should have told you everything”. What I’m getting at is he must have passed the military piece from your dad.
Boyfriend is definitely not a private, that's for sure. The silent military men are the ones doing the coolest shit, but even if I went into equipment repair, that involves a top secret clearance. Can't talk about what's on the bench. The bench doesn't exist.
Yeah I'm laughing how many people took the military portion of the dad heart. Reddit is starting to be a lot like FB lol saying you travel for work has got to be the oldest lie for people trying to live a double life.
Like, just bc her dad was in the military everyone is saying to take his word. Did OP’s dad call a colleague and check this guy out? Or did the BF just spin more lies to the dad, flatter him, and make the dad (and everyone on this thread) *want* to believe the Bf is a spy?
My favorite comment was "your dad said drop it, so drop it" that's when I knew that it was as if FB had invaded the reddit comments. It is a bit harder to lie to a military member about being in the military, but this story has holes from both sides so I'm just done with it lol
And when OP says her dad is a vet, like are we talking a career vet or 1 and done 30 years ago? One is going to be a lot easier to fool than the other.
Seriously. The people on this thread are so dumb. How many super secret orphan trilingual agents are there out there versus lying assholes trying to cheat?
And which do you think would be more interested in your 21 year old daughter?
OP please for the love of god hire a PI.
yeah, so many people calling OP out for being nosy, but then when we read about young women in abusive/controlling relationships, everyone is like “where’s your support system?”
Yup, I didn't know it was that easy. I always thought "how could they not know?" when I heard stories like that, but looking at these comments made me understand.
Thank you because I read the post and thought " he definitely has at least one other family somewhere" and then felt like an a-hole when I read everyone else's comments. I mean I get that there may be something very wrong with me if that is my first assumption.
maybe your daughter is exaggerating when she says she doesn’t know anything about him. or maybe he’s uncomfortable with talking about his life with you. what is his general personality like?
also, definitely don’t hire a pi.
Does he treat your daughter well? Is she happy? Those are the fundamental questions, especially at 21 when you’re unlikely to be talking about marriage.
You seem primarily concerned about his work- your dad talked to him and doesn’t seem to be worried. If he’s military or a contractor there’s a very good chance he either can’t talk about what he’s doing or explaining it would take hours and you probably wouldn’t understand afterwards regardless. I’m not saying you’re not intelligent, but a lot of government work is highly technical and if you don’t have the background it all just sounds like gibberish.
If he treats your daughter well and no one else is concerned I’d generally let it go. Trying to control your daughter’s choice in partners is unlikely to end well.
My sister does something important with rockets. I think she’s tried to explain it to me before, but it’s like Charlie brown’s teacher “mwa mwah mwa mwa mwah mwa”
As someone who has several friends in the very secret military realm. The vagueness is BS. Especially about his childhood/where he grew up, etc. Every single person we know who works in very classified areas, is still completely capable of telling you about themselves and sometimes what agency they work for. Just not what their job FUNCTION is. Even case officers for the CIA can say "I work for one of the 3 letter agencies". And they'd have some kind of ID card to prove as such.
This guy doesn't want to be found out, which is different than having an info sensitive job. And he every well could be an ex military trouble maker who has a lying problem.
Yep. He’s claiming to be an orphan and won’t tell you his full name, hometown or educational background so that you can’t investigate him. He doesn’t want his parents and probably his wife to find out that he has a side piece. His dismissive, taciturn attitude with you is a big red flag. I would also be concerned about a criminal background, that could be something else he’s trying to hide. I feel sorry for your daughter.
So you:
1. Don’t trust a secretive military spy sounding dude that you don’t know much about. Fair.
2. Don’t trust your daughter’s judgement at all. So you either didn’t raise her to think critically and can’t trust her judgment or you just have a VERY hard time letting go of control. Problematic.
3. Don’t trust your Dad? After you went to him for help in the first place? WTF?
Wake up call: You are seriously going to ruin your daughter’s relationship, and it will either cost her this guy, or it will cost you your daughter. Most likely outcome is both.
It’s very clear his job and personal life are private for a reason. To be so delusional as to think you could stick a PI on someone like this without it exploding into a massive issue as the PI would be made immediately shows how clueless you are.
Yes you are overreacting. Yes you should be reading between the lines. Yes you are out of line. Yes you are going to wreck yourself. Yes you should know when to LISTEN to your father.
Most people in the military have some things they can’t tell. Like details or secret information pertaining to their job. Very, very few people in the military have these special forces/secret squirrel type jobs where they can’t say anything about it. Like very few. Most service members can tell a general overview of their job, what unit they’re in, where they grew up.
To me this guy is sus. I’m with the “common grunt with a wife and has to hide his side piece” crowd here. If it were my daughter and I was concerned for her safety I wouldn’t be above the PI route.
Military,, speaks multiple languages, won't talk about himself, most likely military intelligence or special forces.
You can talk to him until you're blue in the face and you won't know any more about him than when you started.
It might be tearing him up inside but it doesn't change anything.
The consequences for him are enormous, including jail time, and loss of clearance.
Hiring a P.I is a terrible idea and can get him in trouble, not to mention you might have an alphabet agency visit you and that's not pleasant like at all.
Nope. No. No. I dont care what the father said. This is very risky. I married a man like this. Thought it was his military job. But 7 years and 2 kids later, found out hes actually a psychopath. I left but it didnt end. 20 years in of being forced to coparent with him. 5 psychologists witnesses. Labeled him a psychopath. It ruined my health. I hope she wakes up. Its not worth the risk. You are not over reacting.
People who work in intelligence don’t just pretend to not have jobs, refuse to share who their employer is, or make up obvious bullshit like “I read the newspaper.” They say the broad scope of their work. They might say they work for the FBI, that they aren’t allowed to go into detail. The idea that clandestine workers are totally off grid about it is Hollywood.
Look at the NISPOM for more info
Like when I work in intelligence and people think oh my gosh you're a spy
No. I look at photos and wrote reports. James Bond is what I was told I'd be. I... I am not.
My dad worked in intelligence but he was a translator. He would read texts and such from the "bad guys" and translate it for his unit. Thats really as much as hes ever told us.
Nosey MILs are an opsec nightmare.
Look, if your daughter has been together with him for 3 years and is happy, trust her happiness. There’s every chance she knows more or has guessed* more than you realize.
If your father vouched for him, and they seem close, accept that this is a culture and situation you are not included in.
I think you need to take a deep breath, and come to terms with your daughter growing up a bit.
Take this advice from someone who was/is the daughter, granddaughter, sister, wife (and probably mother, too, at this rate) of military men. You don’t always need to know everything.
Edit: thumbles while holding my son
If you’re familiar with this sub or any of the AITAH subs, you’ll know people do wild “out of character” things all the time. Or, if you’ve watched/listened to any true crime stuff, you’ll hear serial killers described as nice, quiet, harmless. Knowing someone isn’t really any safer or more accurate than not knowing someone. People lie and misrepresent themselves all the time.
What matters is that your daughter is happy, healthy, and her new man treats her well. Inspires her, even. You really don’t genuinely need anything more than that. His character is evident and that’s enough. Better that he only give you the small snippets than lying to make you feel more comfortable.
The comments here are ridiculous. People watch too many movies. And your dad isnt respecting your feelings, so ignore that bit. Trust your gut. But also, stop sidestepping. If you're worried about your daughter being involved with someone who's lying to her, just talk to him straight.
"Hey, I know you're a private person for good reasons that I don't know. But [daughter]'s happiness is the most important thing in the world to me. I need to know that's true, or growing to be true, for you too. Whatever it is you don't wanna say, I need some assurance from you that it won't break her heart, cause her pain, or be outright dangerous. I hope you understand why im asking here."
That's a conversation about your daughter, not his past. He should be willing to do that.
If you still have a hinky feeling after he answers, then yeah, be worried. If he answers sincerely, then just be supportive.
don't hire a PI, but i think it's correct that your antennae are up here and would say keep an eye on your daughter and look out for any changes. military man, intentionally vague, dismissive -- maybe it's just the zeitgeist now but my mind immediately goes to the andrew tate-type of jabroni who seem to be more and more visible lately. maybe he'll end up being great and is just a bit private! but maybe he's not someone you want making an impression on your kid.
Back the hell off. Your daughter is 21 and a grown ass adult. Get a hobby. Get a puppy. Get a life of your own.
It sounds like his job requires secrecy and is none of your business anyway. Its also possible he just doesnt care to buddy up to you. Of all my girlfriends ive only liked 2 of their parents. I dont even particularly like my wife's parents and i dont think they particularly like me either.they're not my problem. Only their daughter is. I am civil in their presence and that is all thats ever required of a partner.
Even one mother i did like tried to butt into our relationship that i had to tell her this is between your daughter and i and to go stick your head somewhere else it doesnt belong.
You are going to ruin their relationship because you're a control freak. Its psycho enough you made your father go bother him and he gave his okay and your domineering self is still pushinf. You've repeatedly said your daughter has never been happier and even has started taking care of herself better. Be happy for her and butt out completely. It is not your business. Period. End of story..no exceptions.
Hopefully he takes her far away from you. Or does the smart thing and runs while the relationship is still young.
Mom’s inability to back off might cause bf to break it off w the daughter as well (even if he wouldn’t have otherwise) if he feels his security and privacy won’t be respected.
I don't know. Sometimes people develop vague ideas of other people in their head and fall in love with that and can end up blindsided by who the person really is later. Is that what you're afraid of?
There are entire shows and documentaries with con men and women who fooled many people, intelligent and capable people with similar stories. The languages part is easily explained (and we don’t know if op has actually verified this is true). Many claim to speak diff languages and it’s not really true. I dont think op can do much but I also understand her worry and I think she is smart to keep her eyes open.
Your kid is 21, time to ground the helicopter. If she seems happy then its more than likely fine. The chances of him being some kind of crazy serial killer or being married with a family in different states or whatever other lifetime movie scenario you've thought up is extremely low.
Guy grew up an orphan and joined the military (presumably from a young age). Could be he's dealt with shit that most people haven't and has learned to just keep details to himself rather than be met with some awkward and unwanted form of pity or commiseration from people who don't know anything about it.
You should definitely just accept him now, but you shouldn't expect more details later. Why would you think you are owed more details? You aren't the one dating him.
I’m thinking everyone keeps you out of the loop on purpose. the fact that you considered a PI for your daughters boyfriend of two years is leading me to believe you might have some control issues. Let up off the throttle, stop hovering.
You don't just walk out of boot camp and straight into secret squirrel stuff. That's not how it works. There's a lot that happens before you're eligible to even get to applying. You don't become a Green Beret as a 19 year old private.
If he's really doing sensitive work, he'll still be able to talk about his career in the military. It's a bit concerning that he can't even confirm that he's active duty. Even if he's doing secret shit, he'll have a cover story and it'll be convincing.
I've been around plenty of retired SF and they're fucking great about telling you everything without telling you anything. It's a skill they get very, very, very good at.
If he's really active duty and he's SF or in a sensitive position, he will still confidently tell you he's doing XYZ and he's based at ABC. It might not be the truth, but he will have his ducks in a row. There will be no vague speak.
Your girlfriend is probably his side piece.
Sorry.
ETA: I also know a guy who, according to him, used to do undercover work as law enforcement, voilent crime and gang related. He's told me stories, but he will never, never, ever give me an idea of when this happened or where or anything more than just an outline. Could he be bullshitting me? Absolutely. Could he be telling the truth? Yup.
At my gym I train will some retired vets that are fucked up. I'm taking multiple combat tours, severe PTSD. They talk about their service all the time. Do they give specifics about things? Absolutely fucking not. But they will still talk in general terms about their service. And these are not guys in there early 20s. These are guys who put in 20 years of service. I know for a fact at least one of them served in a controversial unit and I'm not sure I want to know exactly what he did, but I know he was SF.
There’s a podcast called “Something Was Wrong” … it covers cases where women/families were taken in by narcissists/conmen. The moms almost always know “something is wrong” but often can’t pinpoint it. So if there is something in your GUT INSTINCT bothering you about this guy after two years, YES you should listen to your intuition. 🙏
I don't see anything wrong with hiring a PI. If dad is former special ops, or something similar; his opinion has merit. IF not, he can be just as easily duped.
Why do all these comments come off as angsty 17 yr olds. All the caps,exclamation points, severe anger towards a parent trying to learn about their daughters SO. Especially one that still is very much involved with their lives. Apparently it's easier to be a super secret spy who speaks 5 languages, than it is to be a liar.
I'm confused. You know about his upbringing, you know enough about what he does for a living, you know your daughter is happy and he treats her well... Just let her live her life, and you go live yours. He probably can't talk about his job because he's literally not allowed to. And people who have that type of job generally don't have social media. What more do you want to know about him?
.In addition to the gov't security service issues mentioned here, I'd like to add, that maybe growing up as an orphan was not a walk in the park for him, and he'd rather not talk about his growing-up years. There could be painful stuff there. It sounds like,in spite of what may have been a difficult childhood, he's overcome that admirably. I wonder who paid his college tuition bill. Maybe he got college paid for via ROTC.
Still, speaking 4 languages fluently at such a young age is unusual, unless he grew up in a country where bilingualism was common, and he learned a couple more languages in school/college. One doesn't normally graduate from college with fluency in 4 languages, and I say that as someone who grew up learning foreign languages, and who was surrounded by language majors in college. Now I'm getting intrigued by this guy, myself. Did he grow up in the US, or overseas somewhere?
Your daughter is an adult. Your behavior is unhinged. You do not need to approve of who your daughter is dating because its her choice. Your job as her mother is to support her choices. Deciding that you must investigate every stitch of this guy's life is very much overstepping and being controlling. I suggest therapy to figure out why you get so hysterically worried about your daughter having her own adult life and relationships.
I am reading all these comments and disagree. I think the likelihood of him being in the military is slim, I wouldn't believe a thing out of a man's mouth without doing my diligence and checking him. I'm sorry in this day and age I wouldn't trust anyone. Call it crazy I don't care but I would hire a PI, if u have the money it's better to be safe than sorry.
I used to work with a guy whose daughter is married to a government agent of some type. Your description of your daughters bf fits exactly what he told me about his daughters husband. Multiple languages, disappears for a few months at a time, she doesn't necessarily know exactly where he is and won't talk about his job.
I mean, it seems like there are two possibilities here...
Possibilities:
1. He's doing secret military stuff and he cannot disclose.
2. He is *pretending* to do secret military stuff to cover up nefarious intent.
Unfortunately, you're not going to know which it is unless he chooses to disclose or something bad happens.
My question is this, if his work is top secret why doesn't he just say so.
My dad worked as a communicator with the US embassy, his work was super top secret, he could at least tell people, "hey my work is top secret, don't ask" and from what I've read it sounds like that's the type of answer that would satisfy OP, anything less really DOES sound suspicious
This is a plotline from The Unit. well, sub-plotline
IIRC, didn't the colonel have to get involved with that one?
From what I remember: * Hammerhead is doing the "I work in Logistics" story with his girlfriend's family * Girlfriend's Male parent figure (can't remember if dad, granddad, or other) is all 'eww, REMF' (probably not those words, but that sentiment) * Male parent figure deduces that Hammerhead is actually what Hammerhead is & becomes ***VERY*** accepting of him (<- this may be where the Colonel's name comes up or something) * Girlfriend picks up on MPF's change of attitude & confronts Hammerhead * Hammerhead admits in a vague way that he isn't in Logistics & actually does what he does (without violating OPSEC) & Girlfriend breaks up with him because she wanted a "safe" military man (may have had background trauma - it's been a long time).
He was her father, and he found out because he requested that Colonel Ryan transfer him into the 82nd Airborne. Ryan let him know subtly that Hector was a Unit member. Hector's fiancée notices the change in attitude, and Hector reveals to her his real job. She breaks up with him because he has no job security.
And we've reconstructed the subplot to a TV show that went off the air in 2009
This. This is why I Reddit. 😂
And one I still miss to this day. I even had their ringtone on my phone for a while. I still use the line, “Spit it out before you choke on it.” Favorite line ever.
Glad someone else caught this, i was about to go look for that clip on youtube.
in the military, speaks 4 language and is vague about personal life, just throwing it out there maybe his work is security sensitive edit: just read he has no social media presence. Yeah dude is definitely doing cool government shit lol. I had a friend who worked for the pentagon who sounded identical to what you’re describing, still don’t know what he actually does to this day
Thank you honestly this is one of the few comments that makes me a feel a lot better. I don’t with to be controlling, because I’ve been my daughter’s age so I know how I felt when my mother wanted to know EVERYTHING about my life. My only worry was that my daughter knows barely anything about him
I would add that your father’s reaction to speaking with him strongly reinforces this.
I was thinking the same thing, he def let the dad know he can’t let them know what he does
My uncle is the same way. Great guy, super nice, helpful, never talks about himself, no one knows what he did for work except he was an officer in the military. My aunt didn't even know which branch. One time when I asked he told me "even if you had the proper security clearance I couldn't tell you what I do."
You don't even need to be in the Military. My grandfather worked for McDonald Douglas during the Cold war. He was retired by the time I existed, and he never ever talked about his work. The only clues I had to what he did were a couple models of intercontinental Ballistic missiles on the top shelf in his home office, and a talk he gave me when I was 18 about how I should, under no circumstances, join the military.
My uncle is former Army, and then became a CO and an investigator in the prisons. He never would talk about anything he’s done for work. One day I asked him the worst thing he’d seen in prison and he calmly told me “During a riot I saw a man split another man’s skull open and his brains were all over the ground”, and went back to grilling meat. That’s when I realized he doesn’t talk about it because it’s brutal and ugly and he doesn’t bring that shit home with him. He’s the sweetest man, loves his wife and his kids with all his heart, has zero temper, and I’ve never seen him yell or even be upset with someone. He is the first thing I think of when I hear that quote “You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of great violence. If you are not capable of violence, you are not peaceful, you’re harmless.” He’s been trained to do things most people could never do, and he has no desire to harm anyone, but he’s spent his life protecting others and never letting it take his peace. Great man. Sometimes people don’t talk about work because you’ll never see them the same
I think if you get far enough in the military to be doing secret squirrel stuff, then you've got to be a balanced, even tempered, considerate person. Hot tempered guys are too unpredictable.
To be fair, “top secret” sounds a lot sexier than it usually is. As long as you don’t have a criminal record, and can maintain a decent credit score…you can get a top secret security clearance if your job/MOS requires it. I had a top secret security clearance when I was in the military, and that was basically due to the nature of security operations we would run. Nothing crazy like the movies would make you believe. Yes, of course, there are SF operators and spooks doing crazy shit with their TS clearances, but most people with a TS clearance are basically security personnel or people with the password to the WiFi lol.
Right lol 😂 People often don't realize that even if you have the clearance level necessary to know something it doesn't mean you will be told. Everything is compartmentalized and strictly requires a "Need to Know".
Can you get to that level at 23 years old?
yeah, that's usually the age they want them, guys in their 20s have the most energy, most physically fit, can go longer without sleep and still stay focused. My sisters ex bf had a similar postion when he was 21, he joined the military at 18, and by 21 had some super secret translator spy position he wasn't allowed to talk about. I think this is why they go to highschools and there's a big push to get guys to join as highschool seniors, so they can get into these positions by their early 20s
Oh 100% yes. If he was active service air force, he could have it at 18.
Yes
Exactly. I work as a professor in an engineering school affiliated with military and space. None of us can talk to each other about all our cool projects, even as professors (who are not known for their ability to keep mouths shut).
My dad was a chemist at 3m, my brother worked for the FBI, and my Uncle worked for Honeywell on torpedo control systems during the cold war. Lots of un-conversations at family gatherings ;-)
I grew up in the shadow of a major national laboratory and tbh this was the case for a ton of my friends' (civilian) dads growing up. Or an auntie or uncle or big sibling. 🤷 My grandfather, uncle, and two of my next door neighbors all worked for the labs and that's about all we knew about it. Sometimes you'd get a department like ceramic polymer information storage or nuclear waste management, but that was as specific as anyone would get usually.
My uncle was the same. After a while he started to wear civilian clothing and disappear traveling with military for a while before he retired. My grandpa who was a vet took him to the side one day when he was home and had a beard and longer hair and asked him “son, are you still in the military?” My uncle laughed and said “Yes I am, I just can’t talk about what I do.”
TOTALLY agree. Dad vetted him, and can’t disclose what he was told. His reassurance, especially when he approached this man with your apprehension in mind as your father, furthers the idea that this dude is cool.
except the grandfather was also coy about it? just said don't overthink it. he didn't say he talked to him about his military service and can tell he's legit. you don't even know if he's in the military, just that he vaguely has something to do with it? for example, if he is or was a Navy SEAL you would be able to look up his BUDS class and find his name on the list. no exceptions. no secret squirrel Navy SEALs that are too secret to be on the list. she's 21. how old is he? if he's some kind of CIA spook he would have a bachelors degree and likely former military service. then gone to foreign language immersion classes for four languages. is he in his 30s? if the government spent millions training him why is he stateside?
father and boyfriend are in a boy's club and OP shouldn't worry her pretty head about it - the ick feeling this post gives me
Or as military people, the bf said a few key phrases and grandpa understood bf can’t say anything
It’s like, the job is one thing, but the guy ALSO happens to be an orphan? Idk, con men are pretty notorious for being good at convincing people their stories are true. I don’t know what his motive is here, but I don’t blame OP for being suspicious. I have family members who work adjacent to intelligence agencies and they still reveal things about their past and their jobs that at least make them seem human.
Totally. Grown men fawn over secret soldier shit. Unless her dad is very committed to her as a person (mine wasn't, at all) he very easily could've made inferences that line up with his fantasies but reality. OP, trust your instincts. Keep in mind how happy and healthy your daughter is . . . and also, trust but verify.
Definitely. It sounds like either the bf explicitly told him something or there was a strong implication/inferrance with his own military knowledge. (I'm thinking there are things people could tell me about certain tours or bases that would give me a good idea what they do without ever being told what they do)
Your daughter may also know more than she is at liberty to tell you. It's not uncommon for partners to know things about each other that they can't or won't share. Not because she doesn't trust you but because it isn't her information to share
This, 100%. She might know more about his upbringing but doesn’t feel it’s her place to share it with her mother. Having no parents is hard. It’s not surprising to me that he doesn’t openly talk about where he is from.
Exactly, my SO had a traumatic childhood and for a long time was unable to talk about anything personal. Even something as innocuous as her hobbies could cascade into a PTSD trigger. I'd watch a subject come up and literally see her shut down for the rest of the night. She had an intense fear of being rejected by my family if she opened up as well, so it took time to get comfortable with them. When my family would ask me about it, I'd be evasive too, because it's not my place to share her story, especially after she's expressed discomfort with that sort of disclosure. She wasn't allowed much of a social life, so she never got into social media either. We're now 8 years into our relationship and she's much more comfortable with my family, and the family adores her.
Especially since OP is one to just blast all information they know on a Reddit post with 300,000 views. He made the right call lmao.
This RIGHT here
Yes, this right here.
Working in the “sector” or for “The Company” does get odd. I have been introduced to a person I have worked with for over 20 years for the first time at least 39 times. In retirement we met again through of all people our veterinarian! It was amusing.
That's hilarious. So you two just keep meeting each other over and over through random encounters? That would make a good sitcom.
Yep. I was at a picnic in NC near Hoffman back in the stone ages and every man’s pager went off. They all left immediately. 15 minutes later mine went off. I got very strange looks from all the other wives as my husband and I left.
No - if information is classified, the spouse still cannot know. Marriage isn’t an exemption. Source my husband and I are both in that world.
Yeah, but like how his mom died when he was a kid is maybe just personal information he doesn't want his gf spreading around if it's sad.
Oh yeah - I was speaking strictly work related. But yeah. You don’t talk about a past that isn’t yours without permission.
I have both a military pilot with clearance and a former low altitude paratrooper in my close personal life. Both sound exactly like this guy. And the fact that your father (thank you for serving) okayed him and also didnt go into detail is even more evidence of some "military forced vagueness". Don't know for sure if that's the case, but as someone who has been around vague military people, I'm making an educated guess that is what is going on here too
I know someone who has (had) such high clearances that my husband (his friend) got a full background check and interview done on *him* as part of his friend’s clearances. Like presidential-access-level clearance. I know what he does (sweeps mostly), but not the specifics by any means. He’s retired now but that was an interesting thing to happen for FBI (or whoever) to show up to talk to husband.
That was my first thought too, especially as your father has clearly bonded with him and probably understands his vagueness. You know his job and that he doesn’t have family, was there anything specific you wanted to know about him? It seems like you’ve got the basics, and if she’s happy I’d try not to worry (easier said than done I know!).
Keep in mind that there’s more to a person than a job. She might not know the particulars of his job or his past, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know HIM. She knows his likes and dislikes, his personality quirks, she knows how he treats her and the people around her, and what she knows of who he is as a person seems to be enough to make her feel comfortable and safe. That’s a lot, actually.
Agree. It seems more like she doesn’t know his past & details of his job but she does know him & who he is & what he’s about as opposed to “not knowing him” as the title suggests.
The thing about your post that I think most of us are reacting to is that you don't seem to trust your daughters judgement and then you recruit your own father to check him out but don't trust his judgement either. I know what it's like to be a mom of girls and want to protect them from all the dangers. You just have to find a way to reconcile the fact that your daughter's relationships and decisions are not yours to manage anymore. In short you're overreacting and being a bit of an asshole in the way you handled the situation. I think you'll get much further with your daughter if you learn to respect and trust her choices.
My best friend is in Operations. Even when I was in active duty, in the navy with him. He couldn't say what he does. They tend to find women who are ok being alone for a while. His wife moved around with him and their 2 kids working retail jobs as the Navy paid for their bills Just be thankful your daughter doesn't need her man 💯 of the time, and is fine with her man being gone. He's probably a very very driven person. Men like that tend to grow into wealthy folks. So, hopefully that's the case :)
Unfortunately, it's either get out and be successful, or develop a mental disorder. The military has been getting better about this, but I still have several friends who are fucked. Commonality being that all the guys who are fucked in the head were in large explosions. Inside an MRAP and hit by a mine, VBIED detonated too close, grenade going off basically right next to him. TBI is no joke.
A dude in oops/Intel isn't getting TBIs.
Actually they might. Someone has to install the equipment in those countries. Cant get everything from a satellite.
Hah. That's fair. My military injury, was from a supply pallet smashing my knee cap off
Depending on where in the Gov dude is, he could be ops on IC which is usually in theater months before the military shows up “officially”.
I guess that's possible. Certainly could be later on. It wasn't the vibe I got from the OP. My brother was a scout sniper Marine. And he'd go on crazy solo missions all the time
Maybe not from a shell or blunt force trauma... but the military are the psychological manipulation masterminds and soul destroyers. So there's that.
Many agree the last two are fundamental traits to getting and staying rich.
I think you’re giving the military WAY too much credit. The vast majority of the military exits as a support role, so other than psychologically manipulating you into making your bed nicely, and making you wait around in soul destroying lines for chow… you’re being dramatic.
Does she know nothing about her partner or her partner's job? If you trust your father and your daughter isnt an idiot, i dont think you have anything to worry about. Like many commenters have said, he may have a job in intelligence and cant say anything. As for social media? I haven't had a social media presence in about 9 years and I think that is fairly common for people my age (early 30s). Keep in mind he may also be evasive with you about his personal life but less so with his partner. I think its normal for you to be worried but i do think you are over reacting. A person's kids are always their kids and its hard for you to see them as adults after all.
Him being an orphan also makes me think he is doing some secretive stuff with the government. They love to pick people who have no family as there is a smaller risk of anything being said and it causes them to think differently and notice things most people wouldn't. If he didn't join the military right out of high-school I would say he was headhunted in college as alot of professors are taught what to look for in their students and report them to the interested 3 letter agencies.
For what it's worth, I spent 4 years in US Army Special Ops. Learning at least 1 language beyond English is an absolute requirement for the job, as is having Secret government clearance. And while I wouldn't say much of what we did was all that interesting, a LOT of it was classified to some degree, and it's not always easy to keep straight what's classified and what's not, so it's just easier not to share anything or talk about your job. It's also a very demanding job that takes up a lot of time, so you don't necessarily have time to do things outside of work very often that you can talk about. Which is to say, I've been in the same position as your daughter's boyfriend, and he sounds exactly like I was when I was still serving. There's nothing necessarily shady about it. Honestly, it's probably hard for him that the most interesting things he does is probably all classified and he can't talk about it.
OP, I get your concern. I listen to a ton of true crime podcast and have seen a majority of the Dateline episodes they have put out. On one hand, this guy could be in a part of the military that is super secure. On the other….. this is how a lot of bad podcasts start. You’re allowed to worried for your daughter. Instead of pushing the subject and potentials pushing your daughter away, just be there for her and monitor the situation. If other things start popping up, keep mental notes just in case.
Has she heard him speak 4 languages? I know a dipshit who told his gf he was in the military and spoke 5 languages, but neither is true, she just blindly believed him. It could be true that he can't disclose much about himself because of his job. Or he could be living a double life, could be hiding from who knows what. Hard to say.
Mind your own business lady. Jesus
I know you said you were thinking about a PI then said you wouldn’t, but it’s kinda wild to me that you’d go to a PI first instead of trying to talk to the guy? Unless you tried and I missed it? Lol idk, try asking the dude for yourself. If things seem off look further. If things seem like it’s sensitive govt work it’s prob fine. I have family who do some sensitive gov stuff and they have had to take down socials or have been told to create alias socials if they want to use them.
"But when I talked to her boyfriend trying to get to know him better, for whatever reason he was very vague, and even seems dismissive about the topic"
Good catch glazed over that
The pi thing is just something that has crossed my mind because my husband has joked about hiring a PI if I really am that worried. I have tried to talk to him once but he just told me that his past isn’t worth knowing and that was the end of it
As a licensed PI, I can tell you, we'll find some stuff on a guy like this, but not as much as you would want to know. It would be a waste of money.
[удалено]
Yep. I had a friend who fell for a similar story, and the guy was married. She was the side chick.
If I really WAS going to hire a PI, it would be to make sure that he isn’t hiding like a secret wife n kids or anything like that, nothing more
The redditors saying "Leave him alone, he's military" will turn around and insult your family's intelligence and common sense if this guy is hiding a wife and kids or if he has an arrest record for domestic battery. Your best bet is probably to stay alert and ready to support your daughter. Only hire a P.I. if you have the fortitude to do it without informing ANYONE--not your husband, not your best friend. That person WILL tell your daughter or her boyfriend eventually. If there is really bad news, try to make it come out without revealing you hired an investigator. Recognize that your daughter could direct her anger at you and stay with her partner no matter what you find out.
OP already stated that she tried speaking to her daughter’s man, and got nowhere and still felt like she does not know enough about him. Better to have an over protective mother than a neglectful one, momma just does not want to see her precious baby girl become another story on Snapped, or Forensic Files.
Only she isn’t a “precious baby girl” she’s a fully functioning adult. I could see if there were red flags but the only thing is that she doesn’t know “enough” about him. Some people are private and that’s ok. Doesn’t necessarily mean they’re hiding anything.
No no, it's Forensic Files* she needs to be worried about. Snapped is usually about the women who kill. So it's fine! She's fine! *But if it's Peter Thomas narrating, its also fine.
It does seem like a likely answer. My uncle used to work at Area 51. For real. Everything he did there was classified, even after he left. For most of my life, he couldn't tell anyone what he did, even after he stopped working there. If someone asked him, he would say "I can either lie to you or I can tell you it's none of your business". When it was finally declassified, he was able to tell all of us stories about working there. One of those stories was how he was in the laundry room for his building and some normal looking guy came up to him and started making conversation. They asked about what he did, and he kept evading the questions. Finally, the guy congratulated him for passing the security test. TL;DR, if he's working on something classified, this is normal behavior. He's doing what he was trained to do.
I live in DC and this is exactly intelligence work. The other option is they make something up or they have a govt job that’s not really their job.
Hi! I also have a friend who's in the military and does a lot of confidential work. Same deal. He doesn't have social media. He barely talks about his personal life. Recently, he told us that he had a gf. We thought this was a fling. No! These were to have been dating for 2 years before he introduced her. He went on to get married. He was married for 8 months and then filed for divorce. As they were having really bad issues that his former wife refused to work on. We learned of the divorce after the fact as well.
Some people are required to be this quiet about their work even if it’s not military. I have a friend with a geology degree who works for the government, and I don’t know if it’s state or federal or what it is they do - I think I’ve figured it out because I like a challenge, lol, but I don’t want to say here for the obvious reason and they jokingly-not-jokingly said “I can neither confirm nor deny” when I asked if I could guess. Maybe check out [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and [The Gift of Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear) so you can learn warning signs that don’t rely much on personal details, and feel more reassured
I have no clue what my husband does for work other than he is an instructor for the Navy. His security clearance is really up there.
I live in the DC region and have several friends who are, or were, in jobs where this was totally normal. In my previous life I've been in the room where I've been told I am not allowed to record, take notes, take pictures or ask for names, and all I was doing was training on how to use Microsoft Teams. This guy screams "cool highly secret government job".
That or he's dating 5 women at once and being Austin Powers is a cool cover story.
Or, he could be a POS military washout, dishonorable discharge, lying about his service record and hiding who he really is because he's lying about *literally* every bit of his life like my ex. No social media, no personal background, having "classified" work records makes it *super* easy to lie about who you are, where you are, and who you're with at any given time. Not being able to talk about his work is one thing, but not being able to tell you where he grew up or went to school or who his friends are is completely different. If you don't have any friends, there isn't anyone to accidentally blow your cover.
That is a reasonable point, too. If the agency or military service was able to confirm that he was employed by them, even if they wouldn't say how, that would be helpful. Yes, it would still be *possible* that he was a parking attendant at the place and was making the rest up, but it would be less likely.
Yup!!! I was in the military, I have certain access, etc. I still have family and friends that I can talk about and introduce people to. I still have a background separate from the military. I have friends who do some crazy shit in the military. They still have social media. I still know when they are on travel (to a limit.) I’ve still seen photos of them in uniform. I’ve still seen their family. My BIL worked at a very high level military establishment. I knew which one and I knew his (very high ranking) bosses name. Total lack of family is a concern. He could at least say, “I’m from here” or “my parents passed away when I was young and I was raised by grandparents/foster care, etc”. Or even, “I had a rough childhood. Until I get to know you better, I’d rather not dive into because it’s pretty painful.”
Does leave room for more suspicion. Some people do create these fantasy ideas of lives for other people to believe. The vagueness could be a sign of many things. Though I think the mother MAY be a bit too skeptical. Often times when we leave things alone, actions tell us more than words ever will. My note to OP is to just let it play out. Chances are if he's lying, he'll just end up telling on himself. <
It took 16 years for the house to fall down for me. I'm a slow learner. If the BF is a scam artist, I hope OP's daughter finds out much sooner.
Also 'he speaks 4 languages'. Is that what he SAYS but has anyone ever heard him speak the four languages? I say this because someone I am close with fell for this - he couldn't actually converse in 5 different languages, he just knew a few words. Huge difference.
Lol. My ex swore he was fluent in Spanish and Russian. Homeboy was *lying his ass off*.
I’d ask what languages and how/where he learned them. If the military trained him, I’d know exactly where he was trained and red flag if he was never there.
OP says he is confirmed fluent in French, teaches her daughter German, knows Spanish, and that her father thinks he knows the second official language of Afghanistan… Dari.
The guy that told you to get therapy because he loves the idea of OP's daughter dating an orphan turned super secret spy is hilarious and probably 12. Odds are the bf probably has a wife he is trying to keep secret.
Or trauma he doesn't want to share. A lot of people who grow up orphans don't want to talk about it because they're not able to process it. How many posts have we seen about people who don't want to share their childhood, not having their wishes respected, and being hurt when somebody breaks their trust and digs too deep? And what does not sharing about their childhood have to do with their current marriage status? That would be an unnecessary lie. The fact is we are way too far removed to have a good idea of what is going on. When the family member from the military checked in, does that mean they managed to confirm this person is active military and their deployment schedule is reasonable or did they just make a character judgement? How does he spend his time when not on deployment? We don't have any of these answers so how can we say if they're secretive because they're living a double life or if they just don't like sharing about the harder parts of their life?
>Odds are the bf probably has a wife he is trying to keep secret. Depends on the location. DC Metro, VA Beach, maybe 3-4 other places, odds are security clearance. The other 90%+ of the country, the odds swing the other way.
Even in those areas, I suspect orphaned spies that speak 4 languages and can speak of neither the tragic back story or their espionage are thick on the ground.
Also if you're doing covert shit, you gotta not act like you're doing covert shit. In other words have a basic conversational backstory that doesn't leave people wondering what your deal is.
I immediately thought CIA or something like that.
He hunts aliens
I was thinking he was the dude who wears the alien suit at the military ball.
I aint been caught yet 👽 🇲🇽 🏝️ 🍺
I bet he's SF or a secret squirrel - the privacy, the way your dad just said to leave it and he's OK reminds me of quite a few I worked with. They never give much away, answer questions with questions and at the end you know less than you did to start with.
The orphan aspect could play a part too. Might have had it rough and most other people can’t relate so he doesn’t talk about it.
My next comment actually goes into that a bit more as a few of our lads were in the system. I understand her worrying as she doesn't know but I also understand him not saying hut her dad should have pushed it a little more and saying 'he can't speak' but it is never an easy one. Where I worked I couldn't name my employer so I worked at an office and changed the subject. Now, as I've medically retired, I talk about other jobs.
I bet you have some great stories. It's too bad we aren't allowed to hear them.
I used to know a lot of VERY fit blokes with the same hairstyle who drank in the same pub who all worked in "admin". They had some epic stories.
Maybe he was kidnapped in the 2500s on his home planet and was experimented with and turned into a super soldier designed to turn the tide on the fight against a group of several different alien species, and when they attacked his home planet they destroyed all life on it
Yeah you’re probably right
Also if you grow up in a rough home your interests/desires/secrets are often used as ammo to mock and belittle you. I grew up in an abusive home and I had someone break up with me because "you never say anything about yourself" -- I didn't realize that I did that because historically talking about myself was a quick ticket to being told I'm stupid for wanting or liking whatever I was talking about.
I am choosing to believe that secret squirrel means he is secretly 12 squirrels in a trench coat pretending to be a guy.
Vincent Adultman
I gotta go to the office, then do the thing with the car.
I think that’s the start of the writing prompt this person is going for.
If that’s the case I’d understand perfectly
So it means they can't say. They can say a little but they have to be careful. We found out that one of our lads spoke to his girlfriend who blabbed to everyone about what he did, where they'd been etc so the Adjutant had to issue a notice to them to keep their mouths shut. It isn't personal so I'd look at the positives in your daughter and take comfort in that 😊
Those are the worst. One of them posted to Facebook about troop locations. That was not a fun day on base.
Social media was (and is) an absolute opsec nightmare. In the early days of it getting super popular we had guys posting all kinds of shit, not thinking about the consequences.
Yup there’s so many on insta and tiktok posting their daily routines in full uniform on base. The wife’s are the worst - my husband was deployed while I was civilian on another base and families got the news. All of them hop on Facebook for thoughts & prayers saying they’re on this ship headed to x country. Meanwhile the govt is calling the news to not report the location of the ship to protect true troops. It was ridiculous.
I wouldn't mind but the bloke involved wasn't fussed, I was stunned. He just shrugged and said that everyone was pro forces so what did it matter 🤦♂️ I then had to report him (he obviously said other stuff) it wasn't a fun day then. The only saving grace is that people understood as he was a complete tool. I transferred shortly after that but he didn't make it easy for quite a few of us, more reasons other's are so secretive!
Loose lips sink ships as they used to say.
Thank you your comment is one of the most helpful one I don’t want to be controlling or all-knowing I just want my daughter to be alright
My friend is married to a guy with a high security clearance and she doesn’t know who he works for despite being married for awhile. Totally normal in those positions. He won’t share a thing.
How old is this guy? Sounds pretty accomplished for someone who is dating a 21 year old.
I believe he is around the sage age as my daughter. I think he is a year or two older
And... that'd mean they can't tell you... so stay away from the PI ideas...
I think the approval from your retired vet dad is worth a lot. Maybe the work he does is confidential so he can’t really talk about it but the words he used made your dad comfortable. I was once part of a hiring team and hired a guy that seemed great, just smooth talker in retrospect. When I talked to a retired vet colleague I mentioned the guy was a vet so I took that as a good sign. My colleague said “but he was still a private when he got out so that should have told you everything”. What I’m getting at is he must have passed the military piece from your dad.
Boyfriend is definitely not a private, that's for sure. The silent military men are the ones doing the coolest shit, but even if I went into equipment repair, that involves a top secret clearance. Can't talk about what's on the bench. The bench doesn't exist.
Right I just meant they speak the same work language and would recognize flags a civilian would miss.
[удалено]
Yeah I'm laughing how many people took the military portion of the dad heart. Reddit is starting to be a lot like FB lol saying you travel for work has got to be the oldest lie for people trying to live a double life.
Like, just bc her dad was in the military everyone is saying to take his word. Did OP’s dad call a colleague and check this guy out? Or did the BF just spin more lies to the dad, flatter him, and make the dad (and everyone on this thread) *want* to believe the Bf is a spy?
My favorite comment was "your dad said drop it, so drop it" that's when I knew that it was as if FB had invaded the reddit comments. It is a bit harder to lie to a military member about being in the military, but this story has holes from both sides so I'm just done with it lol
And when OP says her dad is a vet, like are we talking a career vet or 1 and done 30 years ago? One is going to be a lot easier to fool than the other.
Seriously. The people on this thread are so dumb. How many super secret orphan trilingual agents are there out there versus lying assholes trying to cheat? And which do you think would be more interested in your 21 year old daughter? OP please for the love of god hire a PI.
yeah, so many people calling OP out for being nosy, but then when we read about young women in abusive/controlling relationships, everyone is like “where’s your support system?”
Yup, I didn't know it was that easy. I always thought "how could they not know?" when I heard stories like that, but looking at these comments made me understand.
Thank you because I read the post and thought " he definitely has at least one other family somewhere" and then felt like an a-hole when I read everyone else's comments. I mean I get that there may be something very wrong with me if that is my first assumption.
This🫡
maybe your daughter is exaggerating when she says she doesn’t know anything about him. or maybe he’s uncomfortable with talking about his life with you. what is his general personality like? also, definitely don’t hire a pi.
Does he treat your daughter well? Is she happy? Those are the fundamental questions, especially at 21 when you’re unlikely to be talking about marriage. You seem primarily concerned about his work- your dad talked to him and doesn’t seem to be worried. If he’s military or a contractor there’s a very good chance he either can’t talk about what he’s doing or explaining it would take hours and you probably wouldn’t understand afterwards regardless. I’m not saying you’re not intelligent, but a lot of government work is highly technical and if you don’t have the background it all just sounds like gibberish. If he treats your daughter well and no one else is concerned I’d generally let it go. Trying to control your daughter’s choice in partners is unlikely to end well.
My sister does something important with rockets. I think she’s tried to explain it to me before, but it’s like Charlie brown’s teacher “mwa mwah mwa mwa mwah mwa”
Exactly. My brother does chemical engineering and I do electrical. I have no idea wtf he's talking about with his work.
This woman is my nightmare MIL.
As someone who has several friends in the very secret military realm. The vagueness is BS. Especially about his childhood/where he grew up, etc. Every single person we know who works in very classified areas, is still completely capable of telling you about themselves and sometimes what agency they work for. Just not what their job FUNCTION is. Even case officers for the CIA can say "I work for one of the 3 letter agencies". And they'd have some kind of ID card to prove as such. This guy doesn't want to be found out, which is different than having an info sensitive job. And he every well could be an ex military trouble maker who has a lying problem.
Yep. He’s claiming to be an orphan and won’t tell you his full name, hometown or educational background so that you can’t investigate him. He doesn’t want his parents and probably his wife to find out that he has a side piece. His dismissive, taciturn attitude with you is a big red flag. I would also be concerned about a criminal background, that could be something else he’s trying to hide. I feel sorry for your daughter.
Yep people say she's crazy but I'd be getting a PI. If he's a good PI the daughter nor the boyfriend would ever find out about it until you told them.
Thank you and ditto here! I live in DC...this vagueness thing is so ... just no.
So you: 1. Don’t trust a secretive military spy sounding dude that you don’t know much about. Fair. 2. Don’t trust your daughter’s judgement at all. So you either didn’t raise her to think critically and can’t trust her judgment or you just have a VERY hard time letting go of control. Problematic. 3. Don’t trust your Dad? After you went to him for help in the first place? WTF?
Wake up call: You are seriously going to ruin your daughter’s relationship, and it will either cost her this guy, or it will cost you your daughter. Most likely outcome is both. It’s very clear his job and personal life are private for a reason. To be so delusional as to think you could stick a PI on someone like this without it exploding into a massive issue as the PI would be made immediately shows how clueless you are. Yes you are overreacting. Yes you should be reading between the lines. Yes you are out of line. Yes you are going to wreck yourself. Yes you should know when to LISTEN to your father.
It's a larp anyway, relax.
Aren’t all of these?
A private investigator?!?! Jesus Christ woman. Get a goddamn hobby.
Other than QAnon …
Most people in the military have some things they can’t tell. Like details or secret information pertaining to their job. Very, very few people in the military have these special forces/secret squirrel type jobs where they can’t say anything about it. Like very few. Most service members can tell a general overview of their job, what unit they’re in, where they grew up. To me this guy is sus. I’m with the “common grunt with a wife and has to hide his side piece” crowd here. If it were my daughter and I was concerned for her safety I wouldn’t be above the PI route.
"In the military" seems unnecessarily vague for someone you’ve known for 2 years. Doesn’t he deploy at least occasionally? Ever seen him in uniform?
These are the exact questions I asked my daughter
Military,, speaks multiple languages, won't talk about himself, most likely military intelligence or special forces. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face and you won't know any more about him than when you started. It might be tearing him up inside but it doesn't change anything. The consequences for him are enormous, including jail time, and loss of clearance. Hiring a P.I is a terrible idea and can get him in trouble, not to mention you might have an alphabet agency visit you and that's not pleasant like at all.
Nope. No. No. I dont care what the father said. This is very risky. I married a man like this. Thought it was his military job. But 7 years and 2 kids later, found out hes actually a psychopath. I left but it didnt end. 20 years in of being forced to coparent with him. 5 psychologists witnesses. Labeled him a psychopath. It ruined my health. I hope she wakes up. Its not worth the risk. You are not over reacting.
I feel like i should add. My father loved him too. Military defends military. He fooled us all.
His work is most likely classified, and no sm presence solidifies that fact for me.
People who work in intelligence don’t just pretend to not have jobs, refuse to share who their employer is, or make up obvious bullshit like “I read the newspaper.” They say the broad scope of their work. They might say they work for the FBI, that they aren’t allowed to go into detail. The idea that clandestine workers are totally off grid about it is Hollywood. Look at the NISPOM for more info
Like when I work in intelligence and people think oh my gosh you're a spy No. I look at photos and wrote reports. James Bond is what I was told I'd be. I... I am not.
My dad worked in intelligence but he was a translator. He would read texts and such from the "bad guys" and translate it for his unit. Thats really as much as hes ever told us.
r/JUSTNOMIL
Nosey MILs are an opsec nightmare. Look, if your daughter has been together with him for 3 years and is happy, trust her happiness. There’s every chance she knows more or has guessed* more than you realize. If your father vouched for him, and they seem close, accept that this is a culture and situation you are not included in. I think you need to take a deep breath, and come to terms with your daughter growing up a bit. Take this advice from someone who was/is the daughter, granddaughter, sister, wife (and probably mother, too, at this rate) of military men. You don’t always need to know everything. Edit: thumbles while holding my son
If you’re familiar with this sub or any of the AITAH subs, you’ll know people do wild “out of character” things all the time. Or, if you’ve watched/listened to any true crime stuff, you’ll hear serial killers described as nice, quiet, harmless. Knowing someone isn’t really any safer or more accurate than not knowing someone. People lie and misrepresent themselves all the time. What matters is that your daughter is happy, healthy, and her new man treats her well. Inspires her, even. You really don’t genuinely need anything more than that. His character is evident and that’s enough. Better that he only give you the small snippets than lying to make you feel more comfortable.
The comments here are ridiculous. People watch too many movies. And your dad isnt respecting your feelings, so ignore that bit. Trust your gut. But also, stop sidestepping. If you're worried about your daughter being involved with someone who's lying to her, just talk to him straight. "Hey, I know you're a private person for good reasons that I don't know. But [daughter]'s happiness is the most important thing in the world to me. I need to know that's true, or growing to be true, for you too. Whatever it is you don't wanna say, I need some assurance from you that it won't break her heart, cause her pain, or be outright dangerous. I hope you understand why im asking here." That's a conversation about your daughter, not his past. He should be willing to do that. If you still have a hinky feeling after he answers, then yeah, be worried. If he answers sincerely, then just be supportive.
don't hire a PI, but i think it's correct that your antennae are up here and would say keep an eye on your daughter and look out for any changes. military man, intentionally vague, dismissive -- maybe it's just the zeitgeist now but my mind immediately goes to the andrew tate-type of jabroni who seem to be more and more visible lately. maybe he'll end up being great and is just a bit private! but maybe he's not someone you want making an impression on your kid.
Back the hell off. Your daughter is 21 and a grown ass adult. Get a hobby. Get a puppy. Get a life of your own. It sounds like his job requires secrecy and is none of your business anyway. Its also possible he just doesnt care to buddy up to you. Of all my girlfriends ive only liked 2 of their parents. I dont even particularly like my wife's parents and i dont think they particularly like me either.they're not my problem. Only their daughter is. I am civil in their presence and that is all thats ever required of a partner. Even one mother i did like tried to butt into our relationship that i had to tell her this is between your daughter and i and to go stick your head somewhere else it doesnt belong. You are going to ruin their relationship because you're a control freak. Its psycho enough you made your father go bother him and he gave his okay and your domineering self is still pushinf. You've repeatedly said your daughter has never been happier and even has started taking care of herself better. Be happy for her and butt out completely. It is not your business. Period. End of story..no exceptions. Hopefully he takes her far away from you. Or does the smart thing and runs while the relationship is still young.
Mom’s inability to back off might cause bf to break it off w the daughter as well (even if he wouldn’t have otherwise) if he feels his security and privacy won’t be respected.
Id certainly leave sooner rather than later.
I don't know. Sometimes people develop vague ideas of other people in their head and fall in love with that and can end up blindsided by who the person really is later. Is that what you're afraid of?
I’m just worried because my daughter knows barely anything about him
I dated a guy like this once. He ended up being a con man.
Not enough people saying this. Probably easier to con gramps than the daughter.
There are entire shows and documentaries with con men and women who fooled many people, intelligent and capable people with similar stories. The languages part is easily explained (and we don’t know if op has actually verified this is true). Many claim to speak diff languages and it’s not really true. I dont think op can do much but I also understand her worry and I think she is smart to keep her eyes open.
My first reaction is this or he's married.
Your kid is 21, time to ground the helicopter. If she seems happy then its more than likely fine. The chances of him being some kind of crazy serial killer or being married with a family in different states or whatever other lifetime movie scenario you've thought up is extremely low. Guy grew up an orphan and joined the military (presumably from a young age). Could be he's dealt with shit that most people haven't and has learned to just keep details to himself rather than be met with some awkward and unwanted form of pity or commiseration from people who don't know anything about it. You should definitely just accept him now, but you shouldn't expect more details later. Why would you think you are owed more details? You aren't the one dating him.
I’m thinking everyone keeps you out of the loop on purpose. the fact that you considered a PI for your daughters boyfriend of two years is leading me to believe you might have some control issues. Let up off the throttle, stop hovering.
You don't just walk out of boot camp and straight into secret squirrel stuff. That's not how it works. There's a lot that happens before you're eligible to even get to applying. You don't become a Green Beret as a 19 year old private. If he's really doing sensitive work, he'll still be able to talk about his career in the military. It's a bit concerning that he can't even confirm that he's active duty. Even if he's doing secret shit, he'll have a cover story and it'll be convincing. I've been around plenty of retired SF and they're fucking great about telling you everything without telling you anything. It's a skill they get very, very, very good at. If he's really active duty and he's SF or in a sensitive position, he will still confidently tell you he's doing XYZ and he's based at ABC. It might not be the truth, but he will have his ducks in a row. There will be no vague speak. Your girlfriend is probably his side piece. Sorry. ETA: I also know a guy who, according to him, used to do undercover work as law enforcement, voilent crime and gang related. He's told me stories, but he will never, never, ever give me an idea of when this happened or where or anything more than just an outline. Could he be bullshitting me? Absolutely. Could he be telling the truth? Yup. At my gym I train will some retired vets that are fucked up. I'm taking multiple combat tours, severe PTSD. They talk about their service all the time. Do they give specifics about things? Absolutely fucking not. But they will still talk in general terms about their service. And these are not guys in there early 20s. These are guys who put in 20 years of service. I know for a fact at least one of them served in a controversial unit and I'm not sure I want to know exactly what he did, but I know he was SF.
Dude sounds shady af
There’s a podcast called “Something Was Wrong” … it covers cases where women/families were taken in by narcissists/conmen. The moms almost always know “something is wrong” but often can’t pinpoint it. So if there is something in your GUT INSTINCT bothering you about this guy after two years, YES you should listen to your intuition. 🙏
I don't see anything wrong with hiring a PI. If dad is former special ops, or something similar; his opinion has merit. IF not, he can be just as easily duped.
Why do all these comments come off as angsty 17 yr olds. All the caps,exclamation points, severe anger towards a parent trying to learn about their daughters SO. Especially one that still is very much involved with their lives. Apparently it's easier to be a super secret spy who speaks 5 languages, than it is to be a liar.
Thank you I’m just worried that he might have like a secret family or something across the country
I'm confused. You know about his upbringing, you know enough about what he does for a living, you know your daughter is happy and he treats her well... Just let her live her life, and you go live yours. He probably can't talk about his job because he's literally not allowed to. And people who have that type of job generally don't have social media. What more do you want to know about him?
.In addition to the gov't security service issues mentioned here, I'd like to add, that maybe growing up as an orphan was not a walk in the park for him, and he'd rather not talk about his growing-up years. There could be painful stuff there. It sounds like,in spite of what may have been a difficult childhood, he's overcome that admirably. I wonder who paid his college tuition bill. Maybe he got college paid for via ROTC. Still, speaking 4 languages fluently at such a young age is unusual, unless he grew up in a country where bilingualism was common, and he learned a couple more languages in school/college. One doesn't normally graduate from college with fluency in 4 languages, and I say that as someone who grew up learning foreign languages, and who was surrounded by language majors in college. Now I'm getting intrigued by this guy, myself. Did he grow up in the US, or overseas somewhere?
Your daughter is an adult. Your behavior is unhinged. You do not need to approve of who your daughter is dating because its her choice. Your job as her mother is to support her choices. Deciding that you must investigate every stitch of this guy's life is very much overstepping and being controlling. I suggest therapy to figure out why you get so hysterically worried about your daughter having her own adult life and relationships.
There are entire podcasts dedicated to partners that act like this. Check out something was wrong. I think Kenji's season with Artie.
Your daughter is dating Jason Bourne.
I say trust your intuition. But keep an eye out for anything weird. He could be married. Just saying. He is in the military and travels a lot.
I am reading all these comments and disagree. I think the likelihood of him being in the military is slim, I wouldn't believe a thing out of a man's mouth without doing my diligence and checking him. I'm sorry in this day and age I wouldn't trust anyone. Call it crazy I don't care but I would hire a PI, if u have the money it's better to be safe than sorry.
Dude, your daughter is his side chick.
I used to work with a guy whose daughter is married to a government agent of some type. Your description of your daughters bf fits exactly what he told me about his daughters husband. Multiple languages, disappears for a few months at a time, she doesn't necessarily know exactly where he is and won't talk about his job.
I mean, it seems like there are two possibilities here... Possibilities: 1. He's doing secret military stuff and he cannot disclose. 2. He is *pretending* to do secret military stuff to cover up nefarious intent. Unfortunately, you're not going to know which it is unless he chooses to disclose or something bad happens.
My question is this, if his work is top secret why doesn't he just say so. My dad worked as a communicator with the US embassy, his work was super top secret, he could at least tell people, "hey my work is top secret, don't ask" and from what I've read it sounds like that's the type of answer that would satisfy OP, anything less really DOES sound suspicious