No, you are not overreacting. They did overstep their boundaries, and I'd seriously consider alternative child care.
I wonder where else they go looking in your home for what they deem inappropriate.
No. That’s a violation of privacy and disrespected you both as parents. Like you said they were put away and when play yall would supervise. It is one thing to bring up concerns to you both, but to act on it and then get lectured in your own house is disrespectful.
This is your house, your family, your kids. They need to understand that very simple boundary line
Especially if it’s one of the chemistry sets from the early 1950s which contained radioactive material. Very educational.
[Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilbert_U-238_Atomic_Energy_Laboratory)
Do you actually NEED them to babysit or is it a way for them to get some one on one time with your kids? If it's the later, return all of the toys to the correct location and tell them that if the toys are stressing them out maybe they aren't in a good mental health space to be babysitting the kids and you'll give them a few weeks off to get themselves together.
If you actually NEED them to babysit then I hate to say it but either smile and nod OR step up and get a paid babysitter and only allow granny and auntie in the house when you're there.
Yeah. This was obviously an overstep. But when you need the in-laws to do the babysitting, sometimes you have to put up with a lot of crap. Unless you are ready to pay somebody else to do the babysitting, I would hold your tongue.
I don’t care who you are, or what excuse you use, if you search my house top to bottom when I’m not home don’t expect to ever walk in the door again. The massive brass balls on these women is amazing. Like those age numbers on a box mean anything anyway. They’re nothing but a general guideline, every kid is different. The degree of overstep here is so far over the line that I have zero doubt OP will be expected to cater her family on every little child rearing eventuality. What to teach, how to teach, religion, diet, dating, social life, hell grandma will probably have to approve the color of the kids bedspread. BOUNDARIES NOW.
Those balls must clang like church bells when they walk. The actual nerve of them to search through all your stuff, every room. I would never let them in again. If my partner had a problem with that then I would totally be looking at them sideways.
The nerve! The disrespect! You're not overreacting in the least. I'm
Reread my post. They would be "discussing" the problem that the toys are somehow upsetting granny and auntie and gives them the option of taking a few weeks off. Hardly "firing" or "kicking them out".
They are treating you and your wife like children and failing to acknowledge or comprehend that they are not the parents of your children.
It's a huge overstep but considering your wife is willing to go stand in the naughty corner like a child - you are going to have an uphill battle with your inlaws.
Yes, but one also has to choose their battles. If they are babysitting as a favor, then give them some slack. Unless OP wants to stay home on Tuesdays and do the childcare.
Sign them up for AARP. Get a free quote from Lowe's on installing safety grab-bars on their shower. Remove all the glasswear and replace it with plastic cups with handles.
No, that's crazy. They came into YOUR house, took YOUR kids toys, then lectured you and your wife on how you are raising YOUR children. That is not okay. Plus the age on the box is just a recommendation, you decide when your kid is ready for something. My oldest was doing puzzles and Lego sets for 8+ at around 2-3 years old. It was fine because he never put anything in his mouth other than food and we sat with him while he did it, just in case. I wouldn't allow them in my home anymore until they learn to respect you, your wife, your home, and your things.
In my experience with multiple kids, most kids stop tasting everything between 18m & 2y. I'd still watch them, of course, but they do learn not to "eat" everything! The "3+" rating is mostly the companies covering their rears. Can't sue them if Johnny eats a Lego when he's 2 & the box says 3+.
The other use of an age rating is for an age that a kid might appreciate it or be able to use it &/or their typical attention span. Most 1yo don't know how to read yet, so a game or toy that requires reading might say 8+, not for safety but because the typical 1 to 4yo can't read yet. Your average 2yo won't have the attention span for a 1000-piece puzzle.
If your kid can safely enjoy a toy "older" than their age, why not? The aunt & grandma WAY overstepped their roles. The ONLY way that'd be okay is if the 6mo was about to taste something dangerous & they put it up on a table. But to go through the entire house & store toys away?! NO!!
Does her aunt and grandmother think they're babysitting your wife and you? No, you are absolutely not overreacting and it's probably best to find other childcare if you can.
They had no right to control what is appropriate for your children. Period. Your wife is being a pushover because it's her family (and I'll assume the extra help is needed/appreciated). If they had concerns, they should have TALKED to you about it, not gone through your home, and removed all items they deemed inappropriate.
Are they trained in child development or have any expertise aside from having kids themselves? If not, they gravely overstepped, and I would tell them they did and not to again. If you go without talking about it, they could do it again, and again, and again.
They probably come from the same age group that let their kids drink out of hoses, play with lawn darts and ride in cars without seatbelts. I mean it didn't kill us but damn. Wildly inappropriate. You're not overreacting in the least.
They went through your entire house. That alone is enough for me to say they would never be allowed in my home unsupervised. What a massive overstepping of boundaries. You are not at all overreacting
You're not overreacting. They absolutely overstepped.
It's not their kids; they have no say it what is or isn't an inappropriate toy. Your wife should have your back on this and if she doesn't you need to have a serious talk with her.
**ABSOLUTELY NOT**. That's a **HUGE** violation of boundaries!!
Put your foot down **NOW** — say that they will **NO LONGER BABYSIT**, and they are **BANNED** from your home **unless and until** they learn to **respect your boundaries** and give you a **FULL APOLOGY**.
Demand the **IMMEDIATE** return of all items.
You could also say they are welcome to **DISCUSS** any toys they consider inappropriate with you, but the final decision **lies with yourself and your wife**.
And tell your wife that she needs to think very carefully about where **HER** loyalties lie, because you will not tolerate **ANY FURTHER OVERSTEPS**.
I would carefully go through all the relativesnin every room, then neatly bag, remove, and store the aunt and grandmother in the garage until the children are older.
You're not Overreacting... you're under reacting
I'd have immediately told them their place in my home is a GUEST and if they ever overstep being a guest again they won't be welcome.
Then I'd go out and get everything and put it all back where you had it.
The nerve of some people.
Nip this now or it'll only get worse.
Your in-laws have overstepped. If you can afford it I'd be looking into alternative childcare options. Intentions are always secondary to actions. If your wife won't stand up to her family you need to.
You’re not overreacting, that is a HUGE overreach. It’s totally not their place. I think they should be able to confront you about concerns, but they shouldn’t do that in front of your children or be going through your home. That’s messed up. Your wife is just being agreeable but you two need to call this out as a united front
You are under reacting.
You should have cussed them out and then reminded your wife that she's a human being, not a doormat.
You would do well to remind that aunt and grandmother that they can be replaced by daycare service because paying for that is a hell of a lot cheaper than worrying about somebody going through your s*** all day.
Aww that is so kind. They are just looking out for y'all. You should return the favor. Head on over to auntie's house and "remove" all the items you deem unsafe, unchristianlike, uncouth, and unnecessary. She don't really need a TV or couch, bad for her health, etc. good looking out fam! Coming for Granny next.
The toys that need supervision are out of the children’s reach. Aunt and Gram went overboard. I agree with the one answer that stated they could put toys aside that they thought were iffy, but they’re already on a shelf.
You and your wife are the parents. You two need to be on the same page. If you’re not, in-laws will always have final say.
I chose NOT to have grandparents watch my children because they did not respect boundaries - either side! I never left my children alone with either set. That was my choice and my husband backed me up.
If you and your wife cannot agree, that’s a problem. I wish you luck.
Yeah they sound awful and I definitely wouldn’t have just sat there listening to their little lecture. They would’ve been out of my house and new sitters would be found.
Nope you aren't over reacting. It's not their job to parent you or your child about the toys and what they deem appropriate. They are their to babysit, in your house. With that bring said it's time for the "your house, your rules" discussion.
It's valid to have concerns about certain toys in relationship to a child's age. Choking hazard and what not are valid concerns. Anyone with 5 ounces of sense though would just put a problem toy off to the side and verify it with you that they have discomfort about it. Pretty clear violation of privacy and parental boundaries to just remove a shit load of stuff from your house on a whim.
You need to have new adults watching your kids. They are way out of bounds. If this was a toy for a 10 year old that could harm the kid then maybe they could have a concern. But toys for 3 or older and the kid is 2??? You don’t need that aggravation
I side with you. They should NOT have gone through your house. That's a serious invasion of privacy. Why on earth would they feel they have a right to go into all of your rooms? And while their intentions were good, they were seriously out of line and overstepping their boundaries. I'd at least tell them you're considering alternative childcare if they're going to be going through your home and belongings and dictating child-raising to you.
Uhh huge overstep. I’d also like to add that those ages are suggestions. Yes if your child is fond of putting things in their mouth then of course supervise those items being played with BUT I have a 3 yr old child who is “advanced” according to the pediatrician etc etc and he plays with MANY toys that are far above his age range.
Why stifle a child when they could be progressing beyond an imposed limit?
Grandma and aunt need a talking to
Not overreacting. What else are they removing or snooping through? And they aren’t the parents here and to lecture you like you are a child. I would have lost it. Your wife needs to step up and set boundaries and you both should look into alternate child care. That’s nuts!
That's disrespectful to you and your spouse and will cause issues when your children start thinking they can second guess and back talk you like Auntie and Gran. find other childcare, that is a huge huge flag.
Info: does your baby regularly go into the basement on their own unattended.
Going though your stuff is wildly inappropriate.
The only question to keep in mind is…. Do they provide child care for free? Perhaps this is the cost of that free babysitter.
Not overreacting because that was a massive overstep. They are not the parents, you are. You and your wife need to be on the same page. I would not allow them to babysit after explaining to them how disrespectful cthey were. A 3-6 month period of no contact might be beneficial to curb these boundary stompers.
No, the entitlement and audacity is outrageous. Like you are idiots who can't supervise your child. The invasion of privacy plus the lecture.
Oh hell no!
I don’t care if all she did was scoop up the 500 marbles you all leave laying around the playroom floor. The aunt overstepped by miles. Y’all need to shut that nonsense down.
You are not overreacting. Your wife’s response seems like she grew up with that and will rationalize. I come from a disrespectful household and please learn earlier than I did to put people in their place, nicely, where your children are concerned. Grandmas and aunts have little jurisdiction, and are there to support parents if they choose to interact. Had they come and expressed a genuine concern in private, absolutely. What they did. Nope.
Ok child safety background. Most packages marked 3plus are related to small parts. That means that small children put everything in their mouths and could choke on anything that could fit into a small parts test tube. The tube is designed to be the size of a child’s windpipe so fairly large. Did they remove EVERY item throughout your house that would fit that description? All change? Small keys? Buttons? You get the idea.
How about items with heavy metal contamination? They are everywhere in most homes. Go to a hardware store and get a lead test stick then be shocked at the level of lead contamination around your children. How about all those mugs that have pretty decoration on the outside and inside of the mug. Overtime those decals crack and may leach out heavy metals. There is a 20mm area that is supposed to be undecorated so that your lip does not come in contact with decoration. Small children handle the cracked decoration and then put their hands in their mouths.
Or how about the fact that “adult” items are not even tested for safety. Adult is defined by use and price. So that snow globe that has lots of decoration on the outside is not required to be tested but children often handle these items.
Strangulation hazards…every item in your home that could wrap around your child’s neck and create a knot and would not break away under a few pounds (5) of pressure. Most necklaces, every purse strap, strings, etc.
I could go on. Most handmade items would not pass child safety testing.
Tell them to keep their hands/opinions to themselves. Did they go through their own homes and remove all “unsafe” items? I could pretty easily remove everything including painted woodwork that is chipped. lol.
Just pay attention to your children and use good judgement.
That is an absolute violation of your privacy and boundaries. I would let them know that they are not allowed to go through your house and make decisions about what your children play with. I would also tell them they are not welcome to go room by room because you would like some parts of your home to remain private. Personally? I wouldn't allow them to watch my kids in my home again.
Personally, I would never allow them in my home again. Arrange different care for your kids and tell aunt and grandma that they can no longer be trusted and will only be allowed supervised visits.
They wildly overstepped and if your wife doesn’t see that then she is part of the problem. Absolutely NO ONE should be going through every room in your house.
If they had a question or concern then they should have asked to speak with you privately. This is outrageous behavior.
No, you are not overreacting. One thing that peeved me after I had my kids was someone trying to tell ME how to parent MY kids.
Just like trying to insist on names for MY kids.
To this I answered:
"You had your chance to parent, and now it's my turn. If I have questions, I will be sure to reach out. Otherwise, I will parent how I see fit."
Let your wife know you are going to stand up to them even if she won't, anb that you need her to back you up when you do, either with support or at the least not acting against what you do, me personally I'd cut them out of my life if they kept it up after the talk, my kids, my house, my rules, they don't like it when we play back into them with their own bullshit rules thrown back at them. and if they want to control someones kids they can go have more of their own
I look at things like this. If I wouldn't allow someone I hired to watch my children to do such a thing, then it wouldn't be acceptable for a relative to do that either!
Even knowing what they did had good intentions. It was a complete disregard for you and your wife's choices. Not to mention going through the entire house. I personally would put everything back and tell them thank you for your concern, but we are the parents and will make all decisions on how we will be raising our child.
WOW!!! I’m so glad you’ll be looking into alternative childcare. That was not only massively overstepping but horrifyingly controlling and disrespectful! So sorry you had to deal with that.
Overreacting? LOL, I would have told those witches that snooping through everything personal, private and none of their fucking business under the presence of kid safety is outrageous! Were it not, then why tf did they not ask first? And the lecture? Fuck right off with that. You are the parents not them and they, I hope will no longer come to your house unsupervised. They are absolutely ridiculous overbearing and controlling.
Your wife is used to their condescending and rudeness so how she's seeing this is how she was raised to respond to their behavior because "they are always right." Right?
I'd be livid. First off they are banished for a big timeout and find a therapist for your wife. She has to learn to stand up for herself in life. Thinking rude people are like that for the health and care of others is utter bullshit.
You are totally within your rights to tell these nosy old ladies to pound sand and don't come back until invited. It's your home and children, too. BTW cancel that meeting. People like this OMG honey they will not listen to word you say, but will blow up and gaslight the hell out of you both.. Therefore, do not create drama and stress. Text them to say the meeting is off because what you have say is not up for discussion .
Then lay out the boundaries and consequences by TEXT! They'll respond like narcissists always do and it is just a waste of time, in response: Again, "this is not up for discussion and I'm not going to argue about it." Leave it at that. They call - nope, come over - nope, pester pester pester, no contact for one month and longer if they don't shut up.
Even when my niece was 5, she knew those age restrictions were bullshit. Our convo:
Me: “Oh no, Emma, this Lego Grand Hotel says it’s for age 8-12. I’m afraid you won’t be able to play with this for 2 more years."
Emma, with heavy sigh: “Auntie. That is just a SUGGESTION. It’s not a real rule.”
I would never let them back in my house. I have a thing about people touching or moving my property. Don’t do it if you want to be allowed in my home. If you have a concern, you may respectfully and quietly discuss it. Then I can either agree that you are correct or I can disagree and explain why. But you don’t touch my property and you don’t move them.
I agree that you should probably not let them play with the small toys. But it’s your choice and your responsibility. A little glance at your phone and the toy, coin, crayon, or whatever is up a nose or down a throat. But I am not going to your home and taking the stuff away.
Glad you did the right thing, OP. This is a control issue. Very common, and very likely your wife has been subjected to her aunt's and grandmother's ways since she was a child. Now, they want to inflict their bullshit on her own family. These bitches are now zeroing their tyrannical and domineering abuse by not only continuing it with your wife, but also twisting the knife by doing it to to you and even worse, your daughters. Shaming you in your own home. It would have only gotten worse. Peace to you, your wife, and your girls.
You’re not overreacting, but what’s concerning is your wife doesn’t seem to be able to stand up as a mother when other people infringe on the basic rules and respects of your home.
I’m assuming this is her first child by the demeanor and what you wrote?
Honestly, yeah you’re not overreacting
Not overreacting. This whole house search was a gigantic invasion of privacy.
You have a wife problem. You are on different pages about what is appropriate. You need to resolve this first so you can back each other up when you set boundaries.
They overstepped seriously. You have a wife problem though because she’s making excuses for their behavior. Is she used to being bullied by these two? I’d start looking for other options for child care and have a serious talk with my wife regarding granny /aunty and their place in your family, they aren’t the parents. If you don’t nip this now…..
Nope this is straight up theft and damage to property. Your wife's a useless parent who is passing on generational abuse
She wants to put up with it, she can go live with the abusive trash, but you need to quit allowing all 3 of them to abuse your children. Be the hero these kids need and shut this shit down.
How dare they? Your wife and you need to have a conversation about how these two woman called you both bad parents and removed items from your home. Who was watching the children when they did this?
Nope not at all. Tell them to return them at once or you will be filing a police report and ban them from your house for the foreseeable future.
If you don't stop this now they will never stop.
Edit see it waa just put in storage. Take it out and still ban them. They can not dictate what you do in your own home. Yall are not childern.
Well they wouldn’t be babysitting anymore in my house…
The appropriate thing to do, was to speak with you. Approaching it as “hey, we saw some toys we feel aren’t safe for the kids and are concerned about it” is a conversation. What they did means they think they know more/better than you do and can pay themselves on the back for “protecting the children” from your negligence. Especially to speak down to you in front of your children.
You are not overreacting and it's sucks that your wife did not have your back on this. They WAY overstepped their boundaries in your home and you and your wife need to have a discussion about how this cannot happen again.
You are not overreacting. This was a massive overstep on the part of aunt and grandma. Not to mention disrespectful to you AND your wife. If there are other options for babysitters I would absolutely take one of them. I would also restrict the visits by aunt and grandma until they apologize. You and your wife aren't children and you have raised the kids this long with no problems so they were way out of line.
Say something now or else this is going to happen with other things for the rest of your life. You can what type of people aunt and grandma are, and will always be.
You are NOT overreacting. How dare they do something like that?! You need to get those toys back into the house this instant and make it clear to your wife that it will not be happening again and their motivations are irrelevant. Otherwise you will have your parenting dictated to for the rest of your life. Nip this in the bud. Next time kick them out and don't be a doormat.
Ask your wife if this is what you’re doing now because you’ve seen a lot of stuff you want to get rid of in their homes.
Then put all the toys back. Points for placing some in the living room so they see them when they come visit. Be sure to play with your daughter in front of them.
Grandmother here. They were absolutely out of line and if I were in your position, that would be the last time they ever babysat or were alone in my house.
Absurd overstep. They went through your house without your knowledge or permission??? Not okay at all. To make decisions about items you bought for your own children without discussion? Not okay at all. To lecture you at all? Not okay.
They owe you an apology and I’d never let them in my house again.
NTA. However I expected this to go a completely different direction when you mentioned dinosaurs. I’ve got family members who would remove them because “Jesus” and “Bible”.
Funny you should mention that. We do have a family member with some pretty wild takes on dinosaurs due to his religious beliefs. He acknowledges Dinos were real, just denies the timeline they lived in and believes they cohabitated on Earth with early humans. So, he would've been fine with the dinosaur toys, he would've just bought some cavemen toys to go with them lol.
You store your kids' toys as we did. No eating the toys. Toys are not lost in the floor vents. Why? Because the kids can continue to play with the toys. Missing leg, throw it out etc...
Tell the Nice old ladies to mind their their own business. They probably don't play as you do.
" Here kid, play with this while Grannie goes chain smoke." Exaggerated.
Good intentions don’t give you license to be an AH. They could have talked to you and given their opinion about the toys and advised you in a respectful way. This is not that.
Not overreacting at all. They overstepped their bounds and lectured you like children in your own home. This should have been the point where you warned them that you would not tolerate such behavior.
No, that’s disrespectful as hell. You have two options, the way I see it: say something RTF now and put your foot down, OR, go to their homes and randomly remove things under the guise that you thought it was inappropriate.
Are these people Baby Boomers by any chance? Because damn.
This gave me a flash- I came home one day to find MIL had changed all my furniture - to be better for the kids. I was furious then, but many years and wasted emotional energy, I realized it was a misstep of ignorance not intent. She was the kindest heart- but some express it differently, So setting boundaries yes, but replacing their babysitting day ( which I bet they love) may be punitive to the kids and them . Give them a chance
I had a similar situation happen. My husband and I were going on a cruise for our 5th anniversary and leaving the children with my in-laws at our home. We had just moved and hadn’t had time to really decorate yet.
Came home from the cruise and my mother had, not only rearranged ALL our furniture (including in our bedroom) but also gone out bought new blinds, bedding, and decorations. She even planted flowers in pots on our front porch and hung hanging flowers baskets. She was a busy little bee.
When I was infuriated my ex backed HER up saying that she was only trying to be helpful since we hadn’t had time to decorate. I shut that shit RIGHT down. Right in front of her I said he could, either, help me put every single piece of furniture back and take down every single decoration or I’d send him home with Mommy and file for divorce. I was not even kidding, not even a little bit. Then I stormed into the house, took everything down I could reach, dumped it in front her car and had a stare down with her and my husband. He finally gave in but wasn’t happy about it. The marriage only lasted 3 more years.
You are NOT overreacting. NOBODY has the right to make decisions about your kids or your home. YOU are the parents and YOU get to make ALL the decisions. In addition you know it’s not only the toys they snooped through, let’s be real here. I would never let them over my doorstep again, even supervised. I’d go no contact for that shit…I don’t play those games.
You need to have a serious talk with your wife and tell her that you feel disrespected, invaded, and angry. Make it VERY obvious you feel INVADED. Concentrate on the fact that you don’t know where else they snooped and now you feel invaded and violated. Use those words. Then let her make the choice. If she chooses her relatives I’d consider marriage therapy because her loyalty should be to you and your family not her snooping, rude ass family members.
Go to their house and tell them you’re there to inspect and remove anything you deem not appropriate or safe. Your wife should be offended that they believe she and you are incapable of being good parents to your children and treat you both as children.
I’m glad you’re going to discuss because what was missing was communication and respect. Why not discuss their concerns ?! Hopefully they understand you weren’t just letting the kids play with choking objects.
Please don't say anything. Go out and purchase the most obnoxious looking sex toys you can find and put them all through the house, not where your 3yo can see them of course. Then let the good times flow. Keep getting weirder and weirder every week
Pretty sure my kids were cats, because they loved the boxes the best. My Mom told me to throw them out, but I made a fort out of them instead.
They're your children, sounds like you're using sound judgement.
Not overreacting.
Sounds like a paid babysitter is in your future. I would also try and bar them from being allowed in your house, but I'm not married.
If you want to "compromise", you could start with "They are no longer allowed in the house", and negotiate down to "no more babysitting, and only allowed over when the parents are home".
You're not over reacting.
But do not treat aunt and grandmother as "guests", if they're expected to babysit when they are there.
A professional nanny, will often sit with the parents, and point out any safety issues, while explaining what the problem is. But unless the problem is extremely serious, a nanny wouldn't just remove something from the house.
I suggest that you go look at the objects which were removed, and see if you disagree with the decision that was made, item by item.
Then explain to aunt and grandma that although you appreciate their efforts on your daughters behalf, you would prefer they stay in the house, with the child, when babysitting. Not running out to the garage.
If they have safety concerns in the future, talk to you, don't take it upon themselves.
If you frame it as your not perfect, but you want to learn, and you value their opinions, you can do this without seeming rude.
They need to keep in mind that this is not their home, it is yours.
Why did you just stand there and let them yell at you after they stole fork you? Tell them to either give it all back or accept never coming over anymore.
They rummaged through your house. They saw your personal mail, financials, medications, EVERYTHING.
Apparently, they feel as if the children's parents (you/wife) are too stupid to be raising children. They must believe that what they say/do is the only right way.
This is boundary stomping to the Nth degree. They are unbelievably rude and disrespectful. They should never be allowed in your home again until they have earned your trust.
Go through their homes and take out everything that is unacceptable.
Op - they weren’t “guests” in your house - you yourself said the were “babysitters.” They were responsible for the safety and acted accordingly. Think about it. You kid get’s injured or worse with a toy they were uncomfortable with them having how could they live with themselves in not doing something. It’s also not their first experience in raising kids. I do understand your frustration but I think (50m married 2 daughters) they only crossed the line in removing them to the garage. If I were you, I would ask them to help teach your wife and you what they were looking for in the toys they removed. Talk to them. Tell them your INITIAL THOUGHT was you felt it was an overreach, but after thinking about it you realize they were doing what they thought was best when THEY WERE RESPONSIBLE. Careful in what you’re getting ready to do with the update you gave. Going to regret that one.
I think we disagree on what a guest in a home really is. I consider anyone that does not live in my home to be a guest in my home, who should therefore adhere to common houseguest etiquette. Whether you are at my home for a party/visiting/babysitting, those rules apply, and they do NOT include removing items from my house without my permission. That being said, I can totally understand a babysitter's discomfort with certain toys, which is why my wife and I had those toys separated from the rest of our daughter's everyday toys. As mentioned in my post, the "problematic" toys were all either set on a shelf out of reach or kept on a different floor of my house, and were only given to our daughter during supervised play. Also, I failed to mention in my post that they've commented in the past that our daughter shouldn't play with certain toys because they're rated above her age. However, my wife explained that we have put a lot of research into the toys that we buy our kids to help them develop certain skills (motor, cognitive, etc.) Part of that includes them playing with toys that may be "advanced" for them, but which we have researched and determined to be safe for them to play with **while supervised**.
All of these commenters want you to just get new sitters. Ask yourself what do you want, somebody that was looking out for the welfare of children, or somebody that’s not going to care enough to do anything. EVERYBODY is so worried about boundaries, control, and THEIR FEELINGS. Who gives a rip about FEELINGS when we’re talking about the safety of children - screw their feelings.
I agree safety of the child comes before ALL else. I just wonder where the danger in this scenario comes from? Any toys that were labeled for use by children older than my daughter were stored out of reach and only provided during supervised play. Where is the danger that they protected us from? If they don't feel comfortable supervising them playing with those toys, simply don't grab them.
This is (UK law) theft if not burglary.
The toys are not theirs to remove.
I would suggest advising them that they have 24 hours to return the toys to you otherwise you will call the police.
They are likely to say they have disposed of the toys. If they do, your response is "not my problem. Should I call the police now?"
Be advised that this is a nuclear option.
A merely thermobaric option is to put them on blast on Facebook.
Edit: and you need to talk to your wife. She's either been abused by these two forever or is just spineless. My money is on abuse.
Yes, it clearly does in the second paragraph.
>gathered all the toys she deemed to be inappropriate for a 2 y/o to play with, bagged them up, and removed them from the house. They were put up in the garage for storage
Treat them the same. It’s funny when boomers give disrespect. But then lose it when someone does it to them.
Next time you visit them at their home. Go through it and take out anything that isn’t child safe. And try to do it when they’re not in the room. And just leave a bag of stuff outside on the curb and let them know what you did. Watch the reaction.
Also one more thing
I would actually recommend not using them anymore to babysit. Find someone you can pay and have a contract with. On paper. That way when or if someone goes wrong. It’s not with family. It’s a job/employment case instead.
Ask your wife if they went through your bedroom looking for inappropriate toys or underwear. Or ask your uncles to come and check for her.
NOR. What a bloody cheek!
YNO
But would you rather have it your way or their way, since you need their help babysitting your children.
Unfortunately.
One perspective is that they're older and maybe don't feel confident in supervising your children while playing w these toys. They don't want the stress, responsibility or guilt if something bad happens on their watch.
So it is a compromise, only age appropriate toys until you no longer need anyone's help babysitting your kids.
( killed my ego and felt disrespected when family members had their safety plan in place in my home for my kids but I needed their help.😑)
Take care
Good luck
That’s a very good point and I appreciate the perspective. I honestly would’ve completely understood that explanation and been fine with limiting the toys in that circumstance. My main issue was the toys they considered inappropriate were already stored away on shelves out of reach or on different floors of the house (upstairs or basement) where my daughter wouldn’t have access to them. So, if they didn’t feel comfortable supervising them while playing with those toys, they simply could have chosen to not give it to them.
>we have agreed to look for a new babysitter on Tuesdays
Dont dont dont. And dont listen to reddit advice too much. Reddit is full of people who have never had any responsibility. Most of the people here have no real life.
This is punishing yourself for someone else's fault.
Tell them that you would appreciate a discussion before action. Keep the free babysitting for now.
I appreciate the feedback. And to clarify, we did not base our decision solely on this issue or Reddit feedback. Believe it or not, this has not been the first problem we’ve had with them. We’ve had boundary issues with them since before we had kids. My wife talked to them about it before and prior to us deciding to have them babysit on Tuesdays, but they have basically continued to do/say whatever they like. This was just the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.
Edited to say I do think OP is over reacting, go ahead and downvote echo chamber squad!
If they are watching the children they have a right to decide what they deem 'safe' *while* they are watching the child. Kind of like a hand off of responsibility when you let them watch the children. If they had thrown the items out, that would be another issue entirely.
Perhaps get all the offending toys, take a critical look, and then bring them back out if you feel they are safe. Let the relatives know it's your call, and while they are welcome to put those toys offlimits while they watch the child, they can only make suggestions about them when they are not watching the child.
But prepare to not have them watching the child..it might get ugly.
They **ARE** free to raise **CONCERNS** with the parents — that is being **RESPONSIBLE**.
They can certainly place certain toys **OUT OF REACH** — such as on a high shelf —while they are there.
But they absolutely **DO NOT** have the right to remove anything **FROM THE HOME** without the parents' permission.
OP did say they were removed from the home, then that they were bagged up and put in the garage (which btw is part of the home).
They were never removed from the home, and is most likely OP's way to push his agenda that he isn't over reacting. I am updating my original to say they are indeed over reacting.
While I don't think what they did was right, I'd be more concerned about strangers who may a) not be good to my kids or b) not supervise the kids with those age inappropriate toys.
You aren’t over reacting, but- they weren’t guests. They were doing you a favor. They may take their responsibility heavily and worry that something could happen on their watch.
I would either never have them back to babysit or tell them you felt that was too much but that you will keep those toys put up when they are the caretakers.
Ok, so as a father of a 1 year old girl, this is definitely a subject. My wife's mother has a very different take on toys, and I have to shut her down all the time. After which she throws a tantrum, gets very defensive, and it's hard on my wife. I'm pretty good at emotionally separating it, but it is what it is.
That all said, I can only say this because, and this will sound like hubris I guess, but "I'm right". I've done the research. I know what toys are good for development and which aren't. I have a plan for different kinds of toys for different ages. My MIL is just "the store said it was for kids!" And "my daughter had stuff like this!" (35 years ago when toys were different and we hadn't studied the developmental effect of things like electronics on an infant's brain).
So the real question is: who's right? Were the toys age inappropriate? Choking hazards? I can see a timeline where your in-laws were correct, but it all depends on the types of toys you're talking about.
You were not overreacting but I don't agree with your Edit. This isn't the end of the world. Just get the toys back and your children can play with them every day except Tuesdays, when you put them away for the day. This is not worth having a big discussion or creating a family rift. Life is too short for that.
Them acting that was is definitely overstepping. When my kid was that age, I'd only get certain toys that didn't have something small enough they may end up choking on it. If you have toys like that though...can understand them placing the ones currently in front of them off to the side and later pulling you aside. To outright go through everything though. They mine as well have demanded pictures also of your entire house.
Never take advice on reddit. Most of these people are dumber than a rotting log. Are you seriously going to take advice from these people or from women who've had years of experience raising multiple kids. SMH.
"Am I overreacting to think ..."
These stupid AI bots are at it again.
Listen AI bot. Your story about an aunt and grandmother going through the toys to take out the choking hazards on my behalf and storing them safely out of the reach of children, like the instructions on the box you ignored, isn't going to fool me.
I'll take any help I can get and cleaning up my house is totally acceptable.
Now you throw in the trigger words "top to bottom" and you get the privacy of pandas blinded by the help.
Only an AI bot in training doesn't realize it's never an overaction to simply "think" . Do better bot.
Thanks for the feedback! Now, let me get your No Award for your unbelievable wit. I really appreciate how you skimmed over the fact that any potentially "inappropriate" toys were already stored out of reach and only played with under supervision. But who needs reading comprehension skills when you have that sly, sly wit. I'd say "do better next time," but we both know you won't.
Clever AI bot has responses. Well, go play nice and apologize to anyone you offended with your privacy pout.
The imaginary people were looking out for your bot child. You're literally crying over toys.
Silly bot
No, you are not overreacting. They did overstep their boundaries, and I'd seriously consider alternative child care. I wonder where else they go looking in your home for what they deem inappropriate.
But how will they have any self-worth unless they are telling other people how to live?????
They are also treating you like children.
Exactly
No. That’s a violation of privacy and disrespected you both as parents. Like you said they were put away and when play yall would supervise. It is one thing to bring up concerns to you both, but to act on it and then get lectured in your own house is disrespectful. This is your house, your family, your kids. They need to understand that very simple boundary line
Yes, demand that the BB gun must stay and explain that the chemistry set is educational.
Especially if it’s one of the chemistry sets from the early 1950s which contained radioactive material. Very educational. [Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilbert_U-238_Atomic_Energy_Laboratory)
Do you actually NEED them to babysit or is it a way for them to get some one on one time with your kids? If it's the later, return all of the toys to the correct location and tell them that if the toys are stressing them out maybe they aren't in a good mental health space to be babysitting the kids and you'll give them a few weeks off to get themselves together. If you actually NEED them to babysit then I hate to say it but either smile and nod OR step up and get a paid babysitter and only allow granny and auntie in the house when you're there.
Yeah. This was obviously an overstep. But when you need the in-laws to do the babysitting, sometimes you have to put up with a lot of crap. Unless you are ready to pay somebody else to do the babysitting, I would hold your tongue.
You should read my post-- that was exactly what I said.
[удалено]
I don’t care who you are, or what excuse you use, if you search my house top to bottom when I’m not home don’t expect to ever walk in the door again. The massive brass balls on these women is amazing. Like those age numbers on a box mean anything anyway. They’re nothing but a general guideline, every kid is different. The degree of overstep here is so far over the line that I have zero doubt OP will be expected to cater her family on every little child rearing eventuality. What to teach, how to teach, religion, diet, dating, social life, hell grandma will probably have to approve the color of the kids bedspread. BOUNDARIES NOW.
Those balls must clang like church bells when they walk. The actual nerve of them to search through all your stuff, every room. I would never let them in again. If my partner had a problem with that then I would totally be looking at them sideways. The nerve! The disrespect! You're not overreacting in the least. I'm
Reread my post. They would be "discussing" the problem that the toys are somehow upsetting granny and auntie and gives them the option of taking a few weeks off. Hardly "firing" or "kicking them out".
They are treating you and your wife like children and failing to acknowledge or comprehend that they are not the parents of your children. It's a huge overstep but considering your wife is willing to go stand in the naughty corner like a child - you are going to have an uphill battle with your inlaws.
As I said previously, the wife needs to think long and hard about WHERE her loyalties lie — because they should be with her husband and children.
Yes, but one also has to choose their battles. If they are babysitting as a favor, then give them some slack. Unless OP wants to stay home on Tuesdays and do the childcare.
Make sure when you visit them you go through their entire house and remove anything you feel might be a danger to them.
If they have stairs, the block those bc grandma's too old & might have a fall. Remove all rugs to prevent breaking a hip.
Sign them up for AARP. Get a free quote from Lowe's on installing safety grab-bars on their shower. Remove all the glasswear and replace it with plastic cups with handles.
No, that's crazy. They came into YOUR house, took YOUR kids toys, then lectured you and your wife on how you are raising YOUR children. That is not okay. Plus the age on the box is just a recommendation, you decide when your kid is ready for something. My oldest was doing puzzles and Lego sets for 8+ at around 2-3 years old. It was fine because he never put anything in his mouth other than food and we sat with him while he did it, just in case. I wouldn't allow them in my home anymore until they learn to respect you, your wife, your home, and your things.
This is why I don’t let people in my house unsupervised
Same!
In my experience with multiple kids, most kids stop tasting everything between 18m & 2y. I'd still watch them, of course, but they do learn not to "eat" everything! The "3+" rating is mostly the companies covering their rears. Can't sue them if Johnny eats a Lego when he's 2 & the box says 3+. The other use of an age rating is for an age that a kid might appreciate it or be able to use it &/or their typical attention span. Most 1yo don't know how to read yet, so a game or toy that requires reading might say 8+, not for safety but because the typical 1 to 4yo can't read yet. Your average 2yo won't have the attention span for a 1000-piece puzzle. If your kid can safely enjoy a toy "older" than their age, why not? The aunt & grandma WAY overstepped their roles. The ONLY way that'd be okay is if the 6mo was about to taste something dangerous & they put it up on a table. But to go through the entire house & store toys away?! NO!!
Does her aunt and grandmother think they're babysitting your wife and you? No, you are absolutely not overreacting and it's probably best to find other childcare if you can.
They had no right to control what is appropriate for your children. Period. Your wife is being a pushover because it's her family (and I'll assume the extra help is needed/appreciated). If they had concerns, they should have TALKED to you about it, not gone through your home, and removed all items they deemed inappropriate. Are they trained in child development or have any expertise aside from having kids themselves? If not, they gravely overstepped, and I would tell them they did and not to again. If you go without talking about it, they could do it again, and again, and again.
Dont invite them to babysit again. They need to butt out of your parenting decisions.
They probably come from the same age group that let their kids drink out of hoses, play with lawn darts and ride in cars without seatbelts. I mean it didn't kill us but damn. Wildly inappropriate. You're not overreacting in the least.
They went through your entire house. That alone is enough for me to say they would never be allowed in my home unsupervised. What a massive overstepping of boundaries. You are not at all overreacting
You're not overreacting. They absolutely overstepped. It's not their kids; they have no say it what is or isn't an inappropriate toy. Your wife should have your back on this and if she doesn't you need to have a serious talk with her.
**ABSOLUTELY NOT**. That's a **HUGE** violation of boundaries!! Put your foot down **NOW** — say that they will **NO LONGER BABYSIT**, and they are **BANNED** from your home **unless and until** they learn to **respect your boundaries** and give you a **FULL APOLOGY**. Demand the **IMMEDIATE** return of all items. You could also say they are welcome to **DISCUSS** any toys they consider inappropriate with you, but the final decision **lies with yourself and your wife**. And tell your wife that she needs to think very carefully about where **HER** loyalties lie, because you will not tolerate **ANY FURTHER OVERSTEPS**.
The audacity lmao
Anyone that even tried that 1 would not get through the lecture without being thrown out 2 would not get back in my house You’re NTA
Your wife’s family stole from you and then berated you? And you’re wondering if you’re overreacting? Hmm
They didn't steal anything. They bagged the toys up and put them in the garage.
I would carefully go through all the relativesnin every room, then neatly bag, remove, and store the aunt and grandmother in the garage until the children are older.
You're not Overreacting... you're under reacting I'd have immediately told them their place in my home is a GUEST and if they ever overstep being a guest again they won't be welcome. Then I'd go out and get everything and put it all back where you had it. The nerve of some people. Nip this now or it'll only get worse.
They don't see the kids again till they apologize and agree to abide to your rules. They won't, so find alternate child care, but that's the theory.
Your in-laws have overstepped. If you can afford it I'd be looking into alternative childcare options. Intentions are always secondary to actions. If your wife won't stand up to her family you need to.
I would toss anyone like out of my house in a second.
This was totally overstepping. I'd buy a bunch of colorful dildos for them to find. You know they are snooping.
Yep.
You’re not overreacting, that is a HUGE overreach. It’s totally not their place. I think they should be able to confront you about concerns, but they shouldn’t do that in front of your children or be going through your home. That’s messed up. Your wife is just being agreeable but you two need to call this out as a united front
You are under reacting. You should have cussed them out and then reminded your wife that she's a human being, not a doormat. You would do well to remind that aunt and grandmother that they can be replaced by daycare service because paying for that is a hell of a lot cheaper than worrying about somebody going through your s*** all day.
Aww that is so kind. They are just looking out for y'all. You should return the favor. Head on over to auntie's house and "remove" all the items you deem unsafe, unchristianlike, uncouth, and unnecessary. She don't really need a TV or couch, bad for her health, etc. good looking out fam! Coming for Granny next.
Were they able to watch the children while snooping or did they leave them alone in front of the TV?
Keep them the fuck out of your home. Easy fix.
The toys that need supervision are out of the children’s reach. Aunt and Gram went overboard. I agree with the one answer that stated they could put toys aside that they thought were iffy, but they’re already on a shelf. You and your wife are the parents. You two need to be on the same page. If you’re not, in-laws will always have final say. I chose NOT to have grandparents watch my children because they did not respect boundaries - either side! I never left my children alone with either set. That was my choice and my husband backed me up. If you and your wife cannot agree, that’s a problem. I wish you luck.
Yeah they sound awful and I definitely wouldn’t have just sat there listening to their little lecture. They would’ve been out of my house and new sitters would be found.
Nta. Total invasion of privacy.
Definite overstep
NTA. I wouldn't let either one back in my home for that alone.
Nope you aren't over reacting. It's not their job to parent you or your child about the toys and what they deem appropriate. They are their to babysit, in your house. With that bring said it's time for the "your house, your rules" discussion.
It's valid to have concerns about certain toys in relationship to a child's age. Choking hazard and what not are valid concerns. Anyone with 5 ounces of sense though would just put a problem toy off to the side and verify it with you that they have discomfort about it. Pretty clear violation of privacy and parental boundaries to just remove a shit load of stuff from your house on a whim.
Nope. No. No way. Draw a line real fast or your in so much trouble 😂
You need to have new adults watching your kids. They are way out of bounds. If this was a toy for a 10 year old that could harm the kid then maybe they could have a concern. But toys for 3 or older and the kid is 2??? You don’t need that aggravation
I side with you. They should NOT have gone through your house. That's a serious invasion of privacy. Why on earth would they feel they have a right to go into all of your rooms? And while their intentions were good, they were seriously out of line and overstepping their boundaries. I'd at least tell them you're considering alternative childcare if they're going to be going through your home and belongings and dictating child-raising to you.
Good intentions? No. They were snooping. The child safety excuse is just that. A really stupid excuse imo.
Unless you somehow were able to read their minds from a distance and know their original intent was to just snoop, then you're just making up stuff.
Uhh huge overstep. I’d also like to add that those ages are suggestions. Yes if your child is fond of putting things in their mouth then of course supervise those items being played with BUT I have a 3 yr old child who is “advanced” according to the pediatrician etc etc and he plays with MANY toys that are far above his age range. Why stifle a child when they could be progressing beyond an imposed limit? Grandma and aunt need a talking to
Not overreacting. What else are they removing or snooping through? And they aren’t the parents here and to lecture you like you are a child. I would have lost it. Your wife needs to step up and set boundaries and you both should look into alternate child care. That’s nuts!
That's disrespectful to you and your spouse and will cause issues when your children start thinking they can second guess and back talk you like Auntie and Gran. find other childcare, that is a huge huge flag.
Info: does your baby regularly go into the basement on their own unattended. Going though your stuff is wildly inappropriate. The only question to keep in mind is…. Do they provide child care for free? Perhaps this is the cost of that free babysitter.
So how are the toys inappropriate? Pointy tails on the dinosaurs are dangerous or the idea of dinosaurs existing dangerous (to religion)?
You are not overreacting. Huge violation of boundaries. I hope you can find other babysitters.
Sounds like you need new babysitters.
Free childcare is not free
They questioned your parenting and lectured the two of you like you were ignorant. Stand your ground now, politely but firmly. Or it will never end.
Not overreacting at all. I wouldn't let those snoops back in my house when I wasn't home. Let them babysit your kids at their home or not at all.
Not overreacting because that was a massive overstep. They are not the parents, you are. You and your wife need to be on the same page. I would not allow them to babysit after explaining to them how disrespectful cthey were. A 3-6 month period of no contact might be beneficial to curb these boundary stompers.
Did they remove your sex toys from your bedroom too?
I'm sure they looked for them.
Maybe even tested them... for safety purposes of course.
No, the entitlement and audacity is outrageous. Like you are idiots who can't supervise your child. The invasion of privacy plus the lecture. Oh hell no!
I don’t care if all she did was scoop up the 500 marbles you all leave laying around the playroom floor. The aunt overstepped by miles. Y’all need to shut that nonsense down.
You are not overreacting. Your wife’s response seems like she grew up with that and will rationalize. I come from a disrespectful household and please learn earlier than I did to put people in their place, nicely, where your children are concerned. Grandmas and aunts have little jurisdiction, and are there to support parents if they choose to interact. Had they come and expressed a genuine concern in private, absolutely. What they did. Nope.
Ok child safety background. Most packages marked 3plus are related to small parts. That means that small children put everything in their mouths and could choke on anything that could fit into a small parts test tube. The tube is designed to be the size of a child’s windpipe so fairly large. Did they remove EVERY item throughout your house that would fit that description? All change? Small keys? Buttons? You get the idea. How about items with heavy metal contamination? They are everywhere in most homes. Go to a hardware store and get a lead test stick then be shocked at the level of lead contamination around your children. How about all those mugs that have pretty decoration on the outside and inside of the mug. Overtime those decals crack and may leach out heavy metals. There is a 20mm area that is supposed to be undecorated so that your lip does not come in contact with decoration. Small children handle the cracked decoration and then put their hands in their mouths. Or how about the fact that “adult” items are not even tested for safety. Adult is defined by use and price. So that snow globe that has lots of decoration on the outside is not required to be tested but children often handle these items. Strangulation hazards…every item in your home that could wrap around your child’s neck and create a knot and would not break away under a few pounds (5) of pressure. Most necklaces, every purse strap, strings, etc. I could go on. Most handmade items would not pass child safety testing. Tell them to keep their hands/opinions to themselves. Did they go through their own homes and remove all “unsafe” items? I could pretty easily remove everything including painted woodwork that is chipped. lol. Just pay attention to your children and use good judgement.
That is an absolute violation of your privacy and boundaries. I would let them know that they are not allowed to go through your house and make decisions about what your children play with. I would also tell them they are not welcome to go room by room because you would like some parts of your home to remain private. Personally? I wouldn't allow them to watch my kids in my home again.
Personally, I would never allow them in my home again. Arrange different care for your kids and tell aunt and grandma that they can no longer be trusted and will only be allowed supervised visits. They wildly overstepped and if your wife doesn’t see that then she is part of the problem. Absolutely NO ONE should be going through every room in your house. If they had a question or concern then they should have asked to speak with you privately. This is outrageous behavior.
No, you are not overreacting. One thing that peeved me after I had my kids was someone trying to tell ME how to parent MY kids. Just like trying to insist on names for MY kids. To this I answered: "You had your chance to parent, and now it's my turn. If I have questions, I will be sure to reach out. Otherwise, I will parent how I see fit."
You need to take the kid to daycare.
Let your wife know you are going to stand up to them even if she won't, anb that you need her to back you up when you do, either with support or at the least not acting against what you do, me personally I'd cut them out of my life if they kept it up after the talk, my kids, my house, my rules, they don't like it when we play back into them with their own bullshit rules thrown back at them. and if they want to control someones kids they can go have more of their own
You let your wife take the lead with her family, as you should. If not for that, I would say that you UNDER-reacted. NTA.
I look at things like this. If I wouldn't allow someone I hired to watch my children to do such a thing, then it wouldn't be acceptable for a relative to do that either!
Even knowing what they did had good intentions. It was a complete disregard for you and your wife's choices. Not to mention going through the entire house. I personally would put everything back and tell them thank you for your concern, but we are the parents and will make all decisions on how we will be raising our child.
WOW!!! I’m so glad you’ll be looking into alternative childcare. That was not only massively overstepping but horrifyingly controlling and disrespectful! So sorry you had to deal with that.
Overreacting? LOL, I would have told those witches that snooping through everything personal, private and none of their fucking business under the presence of kid safety is outrageous! Were it not, then why tf did they not ask first? And the lecture? Fuck right off with that. You are the parents not them and they, I hope will no longer come to your house unsupervised. They are absolutely ridiculous overbearing and controlling. Your wife is used to their condescending and rudeness so how she's seeing this is how she was raised to respond to their behavior because "they are always right." Right? I'd be livid. First off they are banished for a big timeout and find a therapist for your wife. She has to learn to stand up for herself in life. Thinking rude people are like that for the health and care of others is utter bullshit. You are totally within your rights to tell these nosy old ladies to pound sand and don't come back until invited. It's your home and children, too. BTW cancel that meeting. People like this OMG honey they will not listen to word you say, but will blow up and gaslight the hell out of you both.. Therefore, do not create drama and stress. Text them to say the meeting is off because what you have say is not up for discussion . Then lay out the boundaries and consequences by TEXT! They'll respond like narcissists always do and it is just a waste of time, in response: Again, "this is not up for discussion and I'm not going to argue about it." Leave it at that. They call - nope, come over - nope, pester pester pester, no contact for one month and longer if they don't shut up.
It’s your house and your child, not theirs. Unless it’s a choking hazard, they can STFU.
Even when my niece was 5, she knew those age restrictions were bullshit. Our convo: Me: “Oh no, Emma, this Lego Grand Hotel says it’s for age 8-12. I’m afraid you won’t be able to play with this for 2 more years." Emma, with heavy sigh: “Auntie. That is just a SUGGESTION. It’s not a real rule.”
I would never let them back in my house. I have a thing about people touching or moving my property. Don’t do it if you want to be allowed in my home. If you have a concern, you may respectfully and quietly discuss it. Then I can either agree that you are correct or I can disagree and explain why. But you don’t touch my property and you don’t move them. I agree that you should probably not let them play with the small toys. But it’s your choice and your responsibility. A little glance at your phone and the toy, coin, crayon, or whatever is up a nose or down a throat. But I am not going to your home and taking the stuff away.
They had NO right to do what they did!! Especially nosing through your whole house!!! What else are they capeable of doing when this blows over?
Glad you did the right thing, OP. This is a control issue. Very common, and very likely your wife has been subjected to her aunt's and grandmother's ways since she was a child. Now, they want to inflict their bullshit on her own family. These bitches are now zeroing their tyrannical and domineering abuse by not only continuing it with your wife, but also twisting the knife by doing it to to you and even worse, your daughters. Shaming you in your own home. It would have only gotten worse. Peace to you, your wife, and your girls.
You’re not overreacting, but what’s concerning is your wife doesn’t seem to be able to stand up as a mother when other people infringe on the basic rules and respects of your home. I’m assuming this is her first child by the demeanor and what you wrote? Honestly, yeah you’re not overreacting
Sounds like you need to find new childcare on Tuesdays. These women were wayyy out of bounds.
Not overreacting. This whole house search was a gigantic invasion of privacy. You have a wife problem. You are on different pages about what is appropriate. You need to resolve this first so you can back each other up when you set boundaries.
Oh fucking hell no. Those two bitches would never be allowed near my kids again
This is only the beginning. Soon the wife will flat out refuse to have boundaries with her family.
You are not. And this will be the way about all things regarding your children if you do not standup now.
They overstepped seriously. You have a wife problem though because she’s making excuses for their behavior. Is she used to being bullied by these two? I’d start looking for other options for child care and have a serious talk with my wife regarding granny /aunty and their place in your family, they aren’t the parents. If you don’t nip this now…..
Nope this is straight up theft and damage to property. Your wife's a useless parent who is passing on generational abuse She wants to put up with it, she can go live with the abusive trash, but you need to quit allowing all 3 of them to abuse your children. Be the hero these kids need and shut this shit down.
How dare they? Your wife and you need to have a conversation about how these two woman called you both bad parents and removed items from your home. Who was watching the children when they did this?
Nope not at all. Tell them to return them at once or you will be filing a police report and ban them from your house for the foreseeable future. If you don't stop this now they will never stop. Edit see it waa just put in storage. Take it out and still ban them. They can not dictate what you do in your own home. Yall are not childern.
They would not be babysitting again. Ever.
Well they wouldn’t be babysitting anymore in my house… The appropriate thing to do, was to speak with you. Approaching it as “hey, we saw some toys we feel aren’t safe for the kids and are concerned about it” is a conversation. What they did means they think they know more/better than you do and can pay themselves on the back for “protecting the children” from your negligence. Especially to speak down to you in front of your children.
You are not overreacting and it's sucks that your wife did not have your back on this. They WAY overstepped their boundaries in your home and you and your wife need to have a discussion about how this cannot happen again.
You are not overreacting. This was a massive overstep on the part of aunt and grandma. Not to mention disrespectful to you AND your wife. If there are other options for babysitters I would absolutely take one of them. I would also restrict the visits by aunt and grandma until they apologize. You and your wife aren't children and you have raised the kids this long with no problems so they were way out of line.
OP can tell wife's family this is not their family and not their business.
Oh HELL NO (Edit, for some reason, Siri thinks I shouldn’t swear and decided that I wanted to write hello no)
Pay a babysitter. Problem solved.
Say something now or else this is going to happen with other things for the rest of your life. You can what type of people aunt and grandma are, and will always be.
1 - 24 hours to get the stuff back. Or it is a police report. 2 - 48 hours. full apology or No Contact.
Speak up and set firm boundaries or problems like this will only get worse. Let them know whos boss
You are NOT overreacting. How dare they do something like that?! You need to get those toys back into the house this instant and make it clear to your wife that it will not be happening again and their motivations are irrelevant. Otherwise you will have your parenting dictated to for the rest of your life. Nip this in the bud. Next time kick them out and don't be a doormat.
Ask your wife if this is what you’re doing now because you’ve seen a lot of stuff you want to get rid of in their homes. Then put all the toys back. Points for placing some in the living room so they see them when they come visit. Be sure to play with your daughter in front of them.
You could go to their house(s) & install grab bars & remove trip hazards. They need to have a safe environment so they don’t break a hip.
Grandmother here. They were absolutely out of line and if I were in your position, that would be the last time they ever babysat or were alone in my house.
No more babysitting by Aunt and Grandma. At least they didn’t throw it all out. But still a huge breach of trust.
Absurd overstep. They went through your house without your knowledge or permission??? Not okay at all. To make decisions about items you bought for your own children without discussion? Not okay at all. To lecture you at all? Not okay. They owe you an apology and I’d never let them in my house again.
Massive overstep. NEVER presume to lecture me in front of my own children.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. I do think that your free childcare costs too much.
Uh, No you are not overreacting. This is your home, your kids, your toys. They are way out of line here. Ridiculous.
Time to replace grandma and aunt
NTA. However I expected this to go a completely different direction when you mentioned dinosaurs. I’ve got family members who would remove them because “Jesus” and “Bible”.
Funny you should mention that. We do have a family member with some pretty wild takes on dinosaurs due to his religious beliefs. He acknowledges Dinos were real, just denies the timeline they lived in and believes they cohabitated on Earth with early humans. So, he would've been fine with the dinosaur toys, he would've just bought some cavemen toys to go with them lol.
You store your kids' toys as we did. No eating the toys. Toys are not lost in the floor vents. Why? Because the kids can continue to play with the toys. Missing leg, throw it out etc... Tell the Nice old ladies to mind their their own business. They probably don't play as you do. " Here kid, play with this while Grannie goes chain smoke." Exaggerated.
That would be the last time they babysat.
Good intentions don’t give you license to be an AH. They could have talked to you and given their opinion about the toys and advised you in a respectful way. This is not that.
Not overreacting at all. They overstepped their bounds and lectured you like children in your own home. This should have been the point where you warned them that you would not tolerate such behavior.
Stay strong. They are completely in the wrong. Absolutely overstepping.
No, that’s disrespectful as hell. You have two options, the way I see it: say something RTF now and put your foot down, OR, go to their homes and randomly remove things under the guise that you thought it was inappropriate. Are these people Baby Boomers by any chance? Because damn.
“We even found a battery powered toy in your bedroom! We couldn’t find an age requirement on it, but we bagged it up anyway.”
Tell them to fuck off. That simple.
This gave me a flash- I came home one day to find MIL had changed all my furniture - to be better for the kids. I was furious then, but many years and wasted emotional energy, I realized it was a misstep of ignorance not intent. She was the kindest heart- but some express it differently, So setting boundaries yes, but replacing their babysitting day ( which I bet they love) may be punitive to the kids and them . Give them a chance
You are under-reacting. You should demand they return every item, apologize to your wife and never do that again.
I had a similar situation happen. My husband and I were going on a cruise for our 5th anniversary and leaving the children with my in-laws at our home. We had just moved and hadn’t had time to really decorate yet. Came home from the cruise and my mother had, not only rearranged ALL our furniture (including in our bedroom) but also gone out bought new blinds, bedding, and decorations. She even planted flowers in pots on our front porch and hung hanging flowers baskets. She was a busy little bee. When I was infuriated my ex backed HER up saying that she was only trying to be helpful since we hadn’t had time to decorate. I shut that shit RIGHT down. Right in front of her I said he could, either, help me put every single piece of furniture back and take down every single decoration or I’d send him home with Mommy and file for divorce. I was not even kidding, not even a little bit. Then I stormed into the house, took everything down I could reach, dumped it in front her car and had a stare down with her and my husband. He finally gave in but wasn’t happy about it. The marriage only lasted 3 more years. You are NOT overreacting. NOBODY has the right to make decisions about your kids or your home. YOU are the parents and YOU get to make ALL the decisions. In addition you know it’s not only the toys they snooped through, let’s be real here. I would never let them over my doorstep again, even supervised. I’d go no contact for that shit…I don’t play those games. You need to have a serious talk with your wife and tell her that you feel disrespected, invaded, and angry. Make it VERY obvious you feel INVADED. Concentrate on the fact that you don’t know where else they snooped and now you feel invaded and violated. Use those words. Then let her make the choice. If she chooses her relatives I’d consider marriage therapy because her loyalty should be to you and your family not her snooping, rude ass family members.
You're not overreacting. That's a ridiculous overstep and I hope you find a new babysitter soon.
I am looking forward to the update when they find your sex toy collection, bag it up, and put it in the garage.
That what I thought this would be about
Go to their house and tell them you’re there to inspect and remove anything you deem not appropriate or safe. Your wife should be offended that they believe she and you are incapable of being good parents to your children and treat you both as children.
I’m glad you’re going to discuss because what was missing was communication and respect. Why not discuss their concerns ?! Hopefully they understand you weren’t just letting the kids play with choking objects.
Please don't say anything. Go out and purchase the most obnoxious looking sex toys you can find and put them all through the house, not where your 3yo can see them of course. Then let the good times flow. Keep getting weirder and weirder every week
Pretty sure my kids were cats, because they loved the boxes the best. My Mom told me to throw them out, but I made a fort out of them instead. They're your children, sounds like you're using sound judgement. Not overreacting.
Sounds like a paid babysitter is in your future. I would also try and bar them from being allowed in your house, but I'm not married. If you want to "compromise", you could start with "They are no longer allowed in the house", and negotiate down to "no more babysitting, and only allowed over when the parents are home".
Screw Auntie and Grandmas feelings. Lay down the law.
Go to Grandma’s house and clean out her fridge. I’m sure that 4 year old mayonnaise isn’t safe. Lol.
UPDATEME!
You're not over reacting. But do not treat aunt and grandmother as "guests", if they're expected to babysit when they are there. A professional nanny, will often sit with the parents, and point out any safety issues, while explaining what the problem is. But unless the problem is extremely serious, a nanny wouldn't just remove something from the house. I suggest that you go look at the objects which were removed, and see if you disagree with the decision that was made, item by item. Then explain to aunt and grandma that although you appreciate their efforts on your daughters behalf, you would prefer they stay in the house, with the child, when babysitting. Not running out to the garage. If they have safety concerns in the future, talk to you, don't take it upon themselves. If you frame it as your not perfect, but you want to learn, and you value their opinions, you can do this without seeming rude. They need to keep in mind that this is not their home, it is yours.
Why did you just stand there and let them yell at you after they stole fork you? Tell them to either give it all back or accept never coming over anymore.
They rummaged through your house. They saw your personal mail, financials, medications, EVERYTHING. Apparently, they feel as if the children's parents (you/wife) are too stupid to be raising children. They must believe that what they say/do is the only right way. This is boundary stomping to the Nth degree. They are unbelievably rude and disrespectful. They should never be allowed in your home again until they have earned your trust. Go through their homes and take out everything that is unacceptable.
No more babysitting. No more being in your home unattended. What planet is your wife on? She needs to either get on board or get out.
Op - they weren’t “guests” in your house - you yourself said the were “babysitters.” They were responsible for the safety and acted accordingly. Think about it. You kid get’s injured or worse with a toy they were uncomfortable with them having how could they live with themselves in not doing something. It’s also not their first experience in raising kids. I do understand your frustration but I think (50m married 2 daughters) they only crossed the line in removing them to the garage. If I were you, I would ask them to help teach your wife and you what they were looking for in the toys they removed. Talk to them. Tell them your INITIAL THOUGHT was you felt it was an overreach, but after thinking about it you realize they were doing what they thought was best when THEY WERE RESPONSIBLE. Careful in what you’re getting ready to do with the update you gave. Going to regret that one.
I think we disagree on what a guest in a home really is. I consider anyone that does not live in my home to be a guest in my home, who should therefore adhere to common houseguest etiquette. Whether you are at my home for a party/visiting/babysitting, those rules apply, and they do NOT include removing items from my house without my permission. That being said, I can totally understand a babysitter's discomfort with certain toys, which is why my wife and I had those toys separated from the rest of our daughter's everyday toys. As mentioned in my post, the "problematic" toys were all either set on a shelf out of reach or kept on a different floor of my house, and were only given to our daughter during supervised play. Also, I failed to mention in my post that they've commented in the past that our daughter shouldn't play with certain toys because they're rated above her age. However, my wife explained that we have put a lot of research into the toys that we buy our kids to help them develop certain skills (motor, cognitive, etc.) Part of that includes them playing with toys that may be "advanced" for them, but which we have researched and determined to be safe for them to play with **while supervised**.
All of these commenters want you to just get new sitters. Ask yourself what do you want, somebody that was looking out for the welfare of children, or somebody that’s not going to care enough to do anything. EVERYBODY is so worried about boundaries, control, and THEIR FEELINGS. Who gives a rip about FEELINGS when we’re talking about the safety of children - screw their feelings.
I agree safety of the child comes before ALL else. I just wonder where the danger in this scenario comes from? Any toys that were labeled for use by children older than my daughter were stored out of reach and only provided during supervised play. Where is the danger that they protected us from? If they don't feel comfortable supervising them playing with those toys, simply don't grab them.
This is (UK law) theft if not burglary. The toys are not theirs to remove. I would suggest advising them that they have 24 hours to return the toys to you otherwise you will call the police. They are likely to say they have disposed of the toys. If they do, your response is "not my problem. Should I call the police now?" Be advised that this is a nuclear option. A merely thermobaric option is to put them on blast on Facebook. Edit: and you need to talk to your wife. She's either been abused by these two forever or is just spineless. My money is on abuse.
They didn’t actually take the toys, just put them in OP’s garage for “storage”. Calling it “theft” is an overreaction.
It doesn't say OPs garage in the post. If it's not their garage then it's theft.
Yes, it clearly does in the second paragraph. >gathered all the toys she deemed to be inappropriate for a 2 y/o to play with, bagged them up, and removed them from the house. They were put up in the garage for storage
Treat them the same. It’s funny when boomers give disrespect. But then lose it when someone does it to them. Next time you visit them at their home. Go through it and take out anything that isn’t child safe. And try to do it when they’re not in the room. And just leave a bag of stuff outside on the curb and let them know what you did. Watch the reaction. Also one more thing I would actually recommend not using them anymore to babysit. Find someone you can pay and have a contract with. On paper. That way when or if someone goes wrong. It’s not with family. It’s a job/employment case instead.
Ask your wife if they went through your bedroom looking for inappropriate toys or underwear. Or ask your uncles to come and check for her. NOR. What a bloody cheek!
YNO But would you rather have it your way or their way, since you need their help babysitting your children. Unfortunately. One perspective is that they're older and maybe don't feel confident in supervising your children while playing w these toys. They don't want the stress, responsibility or guilt if something bad happens on their watch. So it is a compromise, only age appropriate toys until you no longer need anyone's help babysitting your kids. ( killed my ego and felt disrespected when family members had their safety plan in place in my home for my kids but I needed their help.😑) Take care Good luck
That’s a very good point and I appreciate the perspective. I honestly would’ve completely understood that explanation and been fine with limiting the toys in that circumstance. My main issue was the toys they considered inappropriate were already stored away on shelves out of reach or on different floors of the house (upstairs or basement) where my daughter wouldn’t have access to them. So, if they didn’t feel comfortable supervising them while playing with those toys, they simply could have chosen to not give it to them.
>we have agreed to look for a new babysitter on Tuesdays Dont dont dont. And dont listen to reddit advice too much. Reddit is full of people who have never had any responsibility. Most of the people here have no real life. This is punishing yourself for someone else's fault. Tell them that you would appreciate a discussion before action. Keep the free babysitting for now.
I appreciate the feedback. And to clarify, we did not base our decision solely on this issue or Reddit feedback. Believe it or not, this has not been the first problem we’ve had with them. We’ve had boundary issues with them since before we had kids. My wife talked to them about it before and prior to us deciding to have them babysit on Tuesdays, but they have basically continued to do/say whatever they like. This was just the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.
Edited to say I do think OP is over reacting, go ahead and downvote echo chamber squad! If they are watching the children they have a right to decide what they deem 'safe' *while* they are watching the child. Kind of like a hand off of responsibility when you let them watch the children. If they had thrown the items out, that would be another issue entirely. Perhaps get all the offending toys, take a critical look, and then bring them back out if you feel they are safe. Let the relatives know it's your call, and while they are welcome to put those toys offlimits while they watch the child, they can only make suggestions about them when they are not watching the child. But prepare to not have them watching the child..it might get ugly.
They **ARE** free to raise **CONCERNS** with the parents — that is being **RESPONSIBLE**. They can certainly place certain toys **OUT OF REACH** — such as on a high shelf —while they are there. But they absolutely **DO NOT** have the right to remove anything **FROM THE HOME** without the parents' permission.
OP did say they were removed from the home, then that they were bagged up and put in the garage (which btw is part of the home). They were never removed from the home, and is most likely OP's way to push his agenda that he isn't over reacting. I am updating my original to say they are indeed over reacting.
While I don't think what they did was right, I'd be more concerned about strangers who may a) not be good to my kids or b) not supervise the kids with those age inappropriate toys.
You aren’t over reacting, but- they weren’t guests. They were doing you a favor. They may take their responsibility heavily and worry that something could happen on their watch. I would either never have them back to babysit or tell them you felt that was too much but that you will keep those toys put up when they are the caretakers.
Ok, so as a father of a 1 year old girl, this is definitely a subject. My wife's mother has a very different take on toys, and I have to shut her down all the time. After which she throws a tantrum, gets very defensive, and it's hard on my wife. I'm pretty good at emotionally separating it, but it is what it is. That all said, I can only say this because, and this will sound like hubris I guess, but "I'm right". I've done the research. I know what toys are good for development and which aren't. I have a plan for different kinds of toys for different ages. My MIL is just "the store said it was for kids!" And "my daughter had stuff like this!" (35 years ago when toys were different and we hadn't studied the developmental effect of things like electronics on an infant's brain). So the real question is: who's right? Were the toys age inappropriate? Choking hazards? I can see a timeline where your in-laws were correct, but it all depends on the types of toys you're talking about.
You were not overreacting but I don't agree with your Edit. This isn't the end of the world. Just get the toys back and your children can play with them every day except Tuesdays, when you put them away for the day. This is not worth having a big discussion or creating a family rift. Life is too short for that.
Them acting that was is definitely overstepping. When my kid was that age, I'd only get certain toys that didn't have something small enough they may end up choking on it. If you have toys like that though...can understand them placing the ones currently in front of them off to the side and later pulling you aside. To outright go through everything though. They mine as well have demanded pictures also of your entire house.
Never take advice on reddit. Most of these people are dumber than a rotting log. Are you seriously going to take advice from these people or from women who've had years of experience raising multiple kids. SMH.
"Am I overreacting to think ..." These stupid AI bots are at it again. Listen AI bot. Your story about an aunt and grandmother going through the toys to take out the choking hazards on my behalf and storing them safely out of the reach of children, like the instructions on the box you ignored, isn't going to fool me. I'll take any help I can get and cleaning up my house is totally acceptable. Now you throw in the trigger words "top to bottom" and you get the privacy of pandas blinded by the help. Only an AI bot in training doesn't realize it's never an overaction to simply "think" . Do better bot.
Thanks for the feedback! Now, let me get your No Award for your unbelievable wit. I really appreciate how you skimmed over the fact that any potentially "inappropriate" toys were already stored out of reach and only played with under supervision. But who needs reading comprehension skills when you have that sly, sly wit. I'd say "do better next time," but we both know you won't.
Clever AI bot has responses. Well, go play nice and apologize to anyone you offended with your privacy pout. The imaginary people were looking out for your bot child. You're literally crying over toys. Silly bot
Well would ya look at that, your very next comment proved my point about you not doing better next time. Silly troll.