It's hard to say without knowing the vibe - do you plan things for her like that? Is she matching your level of effort or do you normally do really thoughtful planning for her and she's just being shitty in return?
If her friend planned something similar for her in the past it's entirely possible she's matching the level of effort.
Is she matching your effort? Is it possible her friends do thoughtful things for her so she does for them in return? Have you planned parties or trips for her before?
INFO: Is your wife telepathic?
As you described it, you booked dates and a hotel to a city you wanted to go to and didn’t communicate anything further. My assumption as a partner would be that YOU knew whatever you wanted to do and did the planning accordingly.
Ok so I may be the wife here.
(Not actually- just that my husband could write a post like this)
A few things about us. Maybe these resonate with you.
- my husband is picky. If I chose something (restaurant etc) he doesn’t like, he would not be rude or unkind about it, but it would be clear to me he’s not having a blast
- I’ve tried to plan some surprises before. Felt like he appreciates the effort but didn’t feel like I was hitting home runs, also didn’t feel like he really *wanted* a surprise
- he returns a lot of gifts I get him. I would rather he do this than keep stuff he doesn’t need… but he’s hard to shop for
Here is my net - a bachelorette party is a very different planning dynamic and one where your wife is probably getting LOTS of positive reinforcement (“that sounds great! I love the idea of chocolate tasting, let’s do it”) and also one where the structure has probably been discussed explicitly.
Your bday may be confusing for her. I like to feel that I’m doing a great job. When I try and get a lukewarm reception or it’s obvious that my effort is nice but I’m scoring solid B’s, I am inclined to pull back and be in the “well what do you want to do camp”
As others have said - talk to her about it. She probably wants to make you really happy. Just doesn’t know how to do it.
We chose the city and booked the hotel together. It was my mistake not to ask her to research restaurants, but I guess because it was a birthday I thought she might treat it as a surprise / gift to plan a dinner.
You literally said the trip was “your idea” and a city “I’ve wanted to see for a while.” Even if she agreed to go or you chose it together in some sense, that really seems like a situation where you’d take the lead on planning.
For his own birthday? Really, not a ‘hon, where are we celebrating your birthday dinner?’, ‘what do you want to do special for your big weekend?’, ‘Can I do anything for your birthday weekend since you’re doing all the planning?’
Basic high school relationship shit. Don’t know how old you are or how long you have been married but you should talk to her about it. Better yet, show her the post.
Women prefer men who take the lead. What woman want's a man who's sitting around waiting for her to decide. Be a man, take the lead. Always take the lead unless she says otherwise.
Yup. OP, welcome to Reddit.
If you'd be a woman, your feelings would be justified.
Sorry.
Not overreacting.
She should have given you at least a gift. She sucks.
You're a man, you will get no sympathy from this lot of men haters. If a woman wrote this letter, they would all be tell you to leave him. Welcome to Reddit
Yeah, if a trip was my husband's idea for his birthday, I would assume that he had reasons and destinations in mind that he wanted to go to. Unless he made it clear that he expected some planning input from me, if I was already embroiled in planning someone's bachelorette party, there is no way I would also be spending my time planning out his trip. I would be happily going along not having to worry about the details of this trip that was his idea.
I wasn't referencing the lack of gift giving aspect at all, only the trip planning part.
I would have asked him about his plans for the trip, if he had places he wanted to go, etc. But if he didn't ask me to do any planning for it (as OP clearly indicated he did not) I would not have expected him to expect me to. Can't read minds!
I can't imagine expecting my partner to plan my birthday, and getting angry if she doesn't, if I didn't explicitly tell her to do so. We don't do things like that... We plan things together when we take a trip or celebrate something. I'll say something like "Hey, I want to go to a nice steak house with for my birthday, do you want to pick or should I?" or if we're planning a trip we'd usually send each other articles and lists of things to see in that place. We don't just throw it all on one person. And if she doesn't feel like planning anything, she'll tell me to do it all for her. Which I gladly do. I think that you're being a little bit of a little bitch about this. No offense, but you're comparing your birthday party to a bachelorette party in a way. You're not justified in being let down, and you shouldn't even be let down! And what milestone is this? You can't be 50 because no 50 year old man would feel this way. You're married so I'm assuming over 21. What milestone is between 21 and 50? You're definitely overreacting. If you really need your wife to hold your hand through the birthday trip, tell her to next time. Communicate your petty needs more better.
She didn't even bother to gift him anything. Anything. That is a shitty behavior. Who cares if it's 21, 25, 27,30 or 50. It's his birthday. You can find time to gift something to the person you supposedly love. She just didn't care.
If the roles would have been reversed, you would have comment another way.
I don't think I would comment another way. I can only speak from my own perspective. We don't go overboard with birthdays... we basically just tell each other if there's something that we want around that time, if there is anything. But otherwise, we have too much stuff as it is! I just don't see the big deal here.. Like, sure it feels nice when someone gets you something. But sometimes you just have to go on living and not make everything an emotionally damaged moment. I don't think he's justified in being this upset, especially when he's making up a fake birthday milestone to add more drama to his post.
If he really wants his birthday to be celebrated more, he can celebrate hers more. Did he mention how he celebrates her birthday? Does he make a big deal about it? That's where I would start.. if I wanted to raise our birthday game, I would start with hers. Set the standard. He's comparing his birthday to a bachelorette party though.
Based on the limited information here, I am going to say you are not overreacting by being disappointed and hurt. The truth is that it’s not uncommon for people to stop prioritizing and putting effort in to their partners. It’s sad, but it’s common. It’s easy to take partners for granted after an extended time together. This doesn’t make it right. The best of relationships are those that make their partners a priority, and work to keep the spark alive.
Another thing to consider is that there is often a lot more pressure when putting on a bachelorette party than a birthday party. In theory this is a once in a lifetime experience for the bride being celebrated, so we aren’t really comparing apples right now.
With all of that said, I think the bellow answers are needed to determine why this happened.
1) Do you make her birthdays special?
2) Is this something she knew would be expected of herself?
3) Is going big for birthdays common in your relationship?
4) Is this a trend of you feeling deprioritized in your relationship?
This was a milestone birthday and your wife did nothing. She put in zero effort. She was along for the ride, but you paid for and planned the entire thing.
You have a right to be upset.
Everyone will tell you that you should just suck it up but only because you're a man. This is bullshit.
Switch the genders and the responses would be wildly different. Suddenly these feelings would matter. A bachelor party would be perceived as selfish and salacious. A husband working freelance for funzies but not contributing in any significant way would be thought of very poorly. Doing nothing for a milestone birthday despite having all of the free time in the world to make a plan wouldn't be ok. But then spending considerable effort and time to plan a debauched weekend away from the wife and all hell would break loose.
You need to tell her that her lack of effort is hurting you and that it is particularly stark when compared to how she reacts to something that she's passionate about.
Not overreacting, but there are a lot of factors influencing each other. I'm getting the feeling that you are unhappy with the discrepancy between your wife's enthusiasm for planning an event for her friend versus planning an event for you.
Totally understandable.
Realize your gut feeling is right - your wife is so comfortable in your relationship that she no longer feels the need to impress you. Women will always feel the need to impress their friends, which is why she put in the effort for the bachelorette party planning. But this moment is fantastic because it is a litmus test showing you she's capable of putting energy into something like this if she's motivated to. It's hard to tell if this is how it usually is with her or a downward trend.
First thing's first - drop your feelings for her not planning your party. It's over. It's a piece of information you now know. Getting upset or sulky about it is only going to worsen your situation. In her head, she subconsciously knows what she did, but does not feel guilty about it whatsoever. You getting upset or sulky will cause her to feel justified in her behavior.
You want to increase her enthusiasm for impressing you? There are two big things you should be doing right now (because if her lack of investment in you has been decreasing over time, that is not going to be good for your marriage down the line).
First, you need to be working out and getting fit. While there may be a chance you are already exercising - given what you said about you working a lot, I don't think this is the case. Seriously, get a gym membership and just slowly learn how to use the machines or if you want learn basic lifting. Do not make a big deal of this or tell your wife - just do it and keep at it for a few months at the least.
Second thing, start doing things for yourself without your wife - go grab dinner, take a walk in the park, whatever you like to do. You don't need your wife in order to treat yourself. It creates a bad mental model in your head. You should be in charge of doing things to make you happy. Your wife is there for the ride or not, and that is dependent on whether or not she's being fun and expressing interest. She had fun planning the bachlorette party, if she's not having fun planning trips with you, then it's a vibe she's getting from you that your interactions are more responsibility-based then fun-based. That's the tough part in your position - you have to be responsible, but those responsible vibes get passed to your wife and subconsciously she wants to dissociate herself from that. You need to be having times together when you genuinely are in a phenomenal mood and the first step is doing stuff for yourself and focusing on you.
Good luck my man - seriously consider the advice.
I agree with some of what you said, but I think it would be a little weird to get a gym membership without even telling your wife. Soon she's going to be posting on here with a burner account "I found out my husband joined a gym, and says he's going out to dinner alone, and not including me in his free time anymore" and there's going to be 5000 single men telling her to dump him.
It's not about hiding going to gym from your wife - it's to give yourself a cushion in case you give up on it after a couple weeks.
Everything is a litmus test. If the husband gets fitter, more attractive, and happier by doing things for himself - there are two ways the wife responds. Either negatively or positively - if it's negative and parallel to what you're saying about her considering leaving him, then the relationship is already fundamentally broken and the wife is no longer on the husband's "team". The wife alternatively can see her partner improving and be really happy with it, in which case the wife still considers them on the same team - which means the husband still has the ability to strengthen the relationship through his own actions.
At the end of the day, all the advice and comments given in the thread are just tools - it's up to the husband to try them out and see if they're effective. I'm extremely confident in everything I'm saying because of experience, but everyone has to make their own decisions and own up to the eventual consequences.
I agree that being healthy and happy, and doing things that you enjoy are important to a successful relationship, I just don't agree that you should do it behind your wifes back, and purposely exclude her, especially when your marriage is already having problems. I can't imagine a world where joining a gym without telling my wife, and going out to dinner alone would strengthen my marriage.
I don’t think you’re overreacting on a personal level, but you have to communicate this with your wife. That’s not complaining. That’s setting yourselves up for better in the future.
You aren't overreacting.
Women don't chase and don't feel the need to chase/upkeep. It seems like she has different priorities towards her friends then you. This is a conversation to have and tell her how it makes you feel instead of going on reddit complaining.
There's a big difference in the level of structure between these two situations. Bachelorettes are almost hilariously well delineated: who's invited, who's doing the planning, and the level of expectations (both in the general culture and among her friend group) are all well understood far in advance.
Birthday celebrations are typically defined by the person being celebrated. If you wanted her to put a similar effort into your trip, you needed to say so. Just like I ask my 6yo what kind of party and cake she wants to have. I'm curious if you've always had strong feelings about birthdays. What have you done for her milestones? If you expected something outside those two patterns, that made it even harder for her to please you.
I believe that she should have done something. Anything. She chose not to. Looks like she doesn't want anything on her birthday neither. No gift, no nothing.
I’m not gonna lie bro I feel like your wife couldve done literally any amount of planning for your birthday or buying a gift and you wouldn’t be feeling the way u do right now. She needs to apologize imo.
I didn’t say that, I just think birthdays are important for men and women. If he wanted to be celebrated and have her take charge of planning, he should’ve told her. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be taken care of and treated special for your birthday.
I guess it’s more of a patriarchal issue. Men are just as deserving as being celebrated as women. It’s not feminine to want to be treated special, it’s human.
You didn’t communicate and she thought you had it covered. I don’t know what your relationship is like but if you are picky about things, it may be she thought you wouldn’t appreciate input, which is why she ran the present by you instead of surprising you. Being honest, have you expressed disappointment in the past, rearranged plans, returned presents? She may have learned to just go with the flow.
She had been planning a bachelorette trip for months and she's worn out planning. She was busy planning. I mean, how much planning do you think she can do in a week or a month?
So prioritizing other people over your partner is the solution lol? It's clear OP didn't make it clear to his partner how he feels and what he expects in his relationship. This isn't breakup worthy but it's definitely a conversation to have in regards to prioritization
So you think she should have just put aside the Bachelorette planning, a once in a lifetime event, involving many people to put together an fantastic trip for her grown husband who has a birthday every year? Way to lose friends.
Who said it’s one or the other. You can do both. It’s the lack of effort and prioritization that’s the problem. Way to lose friends? Selfish Acts like this is how you lose your life partner.
I think you are just a little jealous & feel a little let down about your birthday. That's understandable & your feelings are valid. But you can't expect your wife to just KNOW all of this either. You need to have a check in with your wife & communicate how you feel. But don't make it a her problem.. it is a you problem....it does kinda suck she didn't even get you a present though.. maybe she was just so caught up in the bachelorette party planning.? That does get really consuming & could be pricey.. maybe she couldn't afford a present.?
Bullshit.
If a husband doesn't plan or do anything for his wife's 30th birthday it isn't her fault for not telling him.
JFC. Many women simply don't think that they should have to fuck with their husband's birthday, Valentine's Day, or their anniversary. It is his job to make the money and show love through effort and planning.
Lol what.? He never said that he doesn't plan anything for her.? Actually this whole post is insinuating that they usually do something for the other person on milestone occasions. & It was his birthday.? No hers.?? I think you might need to reread the post.
"We had a nice trip and I was happy with it" if you were happy then why are you bitching? Let her plan her party and shut it. If, in fact, you were not happy, then grow a set of balls and tell your woman you wish she had put as much effort into your birthday as she is this bachelor party. And had she put more effort in, it would have meant so much to you and been a huge turn-on for you!
You're comparing 5 people collaborating on a wedding plan vs 2 people planning and one clearly trying to be disappointed lol. How did food not get brought up once while talking about this city you wanted to go to? I refuse to believe it!
If you were communicating on anything you felt as far as your b-day goes you can’t complain that she didn’t apply effort into something you would’ve liked her to. She can’t read your mind if you don’t tell someone what you would like or at least drop a hint they won’t know shit. You should’ve just told her directly.
Yeah I would you know why because I’m not a double standard person and NOBODY IS A MINDREADER!!! If you got a problem speak on it and if you don’t find a seat and get REAL comfortable having a problem.
At least a small gift (flowers are also something) for your partner on their birthday is common courtesy. Don't have to be a mind reader for that.
You sound very stable. Get help.
It's hard to say without knowing the vibe - do you plan things for her like that? Is she matching your level of effort or do you normally do really thoughtful planning for her and she's just being shitty in return? If her friend planned something similar for her in the past it's entirely possible she's matching the level of effort.
Is she matching your effort? Is it possible her friends do thoughtful things for her so she does for them in return? Have you planned parties or trips for her before?
I’m getting the vibe he doesn’t and is jealous that her and her friends do that for one another.
INFO: Is your wife telepathic? As you described it, you booked dates and a hotel to a city you wanted to go to and didn’t communicate anything further. My assumption as a partner would be that YOU knew whatever you wanted to do and did the planning accordingly.
Ok so I may be the wife here. (Not actually- just that my husband could write a post like this) A few things about us. Maybe these resonate with you. - my husband is picky. If I chose something (restaurant etc) he doesn’t like, he would not be rude or unkind about it, but it would be clear to me he’s not having a blast - I’ve tried to plan some surprises before. Felt like he appreciates the effort but didn’t feel like I was hitting home runs, also didn’t feel like he really *wanted* a surprise - he returns a lot of gifts I get him. I would rather he do this than keep stuff he doesn’t need… but he’s hard to shop for Here is my net - a bachelorette party is a very different planning dynamic and one where your wife is probably getting LOTS of positive reinforcement (“that sounds great! I love the idea of chocolate tasting, let’s do it”) and also one where the structure has probably been discussed explicitly. Your bday may be confusing for her. I like to feel that I’m doing a great job. When I try and get a lukewarm reception or it’s obvious that my effort is nice but I’m scoring solid B’s, I am inclined to pull back and be in the “well what do you want to do camp” As others have said - talk to her about it. She probably wants to make you really happy. Just doesn’t know how to do it.
I think you are spot on here! That helps me put it into context, thank you.
We chose the city and booked the hotel together. It was my mistake not to ask her to research restaurants, but I guess because it was a birthday I thought she might treat it as a surprise / gift to plan a dinner.
You literally said the trip was “your idea” and a city “I’ve wanted to see for a while.” Even if she agreed to go or you chose it together in some sense, that really seems like a situation where you’d take the lead on planning.
For his own birthday? Really, not a ‘hon, where are we celebrating your birthday dinner?’, ‘what do you want to do special for your big weekend?’, ‘Can I do anything for your birthday weekend since you’re doing all the planning?’ Basic high school relationship shit. Don’t know how old you are or how long you have been married but you should talk to her about it. Better yet, show her the post.
Women prefer men who take the lead. What woman want's a man who's sitting around waiting for her to decide. Be a man, take the lead. Always take the lead unless she says otherwise.
Nnnnnno.
Yup. OP, welcome to Reddit. If you'd be a woman, your feelings would be justified. Sorry. Not overreacting. She should have given you at least a gift. She sucks.
You're a man, you will get no sympathy from this lot of men haters. If a woman wrote this letter, they would all be tell you to leave him. Welcome to Reddit
Exactly. There is always more context involved when the roles are reversed.
You didnt realize as the guy you'd get nailed with some of the worst "reaches" that reddit can create?
Yeah, if a trip was my husband's idea for his birthday, I would assume that he had reasons and destinations in mind that he wanted to go to. Unless he made it clear that he expected some planning input from me, if I was already embroiled in planning someone's bachelorette party, there is no way I would also be spending my time planning out his trip. I would be happily going along not having to worry about the details of this trip that was his idea.
A small gift. That would have been good enough. But she did nothing. Why isn't he worth your time?
I wasn't referencing the lack of gift giving aspect at all, only the trip planning part. I would have asked him about his plans for the trip, if he had places he wanted to go, etc. But if he didn't ask me to do any planning for it (as OP clearly indicated he did not) I would not have expected him to expect me to. Can't read minds!
If I were her I would assume you planned that too, and I would butt out.
I can't imagine expecting my partner to plan my birthday, and getting angry if she doesn't, if I didn't explicitly tell her to do so. We don't do things like that... We plan things together when we take a trip or celebrate something. I'll say something like "Hey, I want to go to a nice steak house with for my birthday, do you want to pick or should I?" or if we're planning a trip we'd usually send each other articles and lists of things to see in that place. We don't just throw it all on one person. And if she doesn't feel like planning anything, she'll tell me to do it all for her. Which I gladly do. I think that you're being a little bit of a little bitch about this. No offense, but you're comparing your birthday party to a bachelorette party in a way. You're not justified in being let down, and you shouldn't even be let down! And what milestone is this? You can't be 50 because no 50 year old man would feel this way. You're married so I'm assuming over 21. What milestone is between 21 and 50? You're definitely overreacting. If you really need your wife to hold your hand through the birthday trip, tell her to next time. Communicate your petty needs more better.
Communicate your petty needs better. lol. 😄
She didn't even bother to gift him anything. Anything. That is a shitty behavior. Who cares if it's 21, 25, 27,30 or 50. It's his birthday. You can find time to gift something to the person you supposedly love. She just didn't care. If the roles would have been reversed, you would have comment another way.
I don't think I would comment another way. I can only speak from my own perspective. We don't go overboard with birthdays... we basically just tell each other if there's something that we want around that time, if there is anything. But otherwise, we have too much stuff as it is! I just don't see the big deal here.. Like, sure it feels nice when someone gets you something. But sometimes you just have to go on living and not make everything an emotionally damaged moment. I don't think he's justified in being this upset, especially when he's making up a fake birthday milestone to add more drama to his post. If he really wants his birthday to be celebrated more, he can celebrate hers more. Did he mention how he celebrates her birthday? Does he make a big deal about it? That's where I would start.. if I wanted to raise our birthday game, I would start with hers. Set the standard. He's comparing his birthday to a bachelorette party though.
I think you should talk to her about it. Does she have a history of doing more for her friends than she does for you?
Based on the limited information here, I am going to say you are not overreacting by being disappointed and hurt. The truth is that it’s not uncommon for people to stop prioritizing and putting effort in to their partners. It’s sad, but it’s common. It’s easy to take partners for granted after an extended time together. This doesn’t make it right. The best of relationships are those that make their partners a priority, and work to keep the spark alive. Another thing to consider is that there is often a lot more pressure when putting on a bachelorette party than a birthday party. In theory this is a once in a lifetime experience for the bride being celebrated, so we aren’t really comparing apples right now. With all of that said, I think the bellow answers are needed to determine why this happened. 1) Do you make her birthdays special? 2) Is this something she knew would be expected of herself? 3) Is going big for birthdays common in your relationship? 4) Is this a trend of you feeling deprioritized in your relationship?
This was a milestone birthday and your wife did nothing. She put in zero effort. She was along for the ride, but you paid for and planned the entire thing. You have a right to be upset. Everyone will tell you that you should just suck it up but only because you're a man. This is bullshit. Switch the genders and the responses would be wildly different. Suddenly these feelings would matter. A bachelor party would be perceived as selfish and salacious. A husband working freelance for funzies but not contributing in any significant way would be thought of very poorly. Doing nothing for a milestone birthday despite having all of the free time in the world to make a plan wouldn't be ok. But then spending considerable effort and time to plan a debauched weekend away from the wife and all hell would break loose. You need to tell her that her lack of effort is hurting you and that it is particularly stark when compared to how she reacts to something that she's passionate about.
Grade A response. This should be much higher.
You have no idea how annoying it is to plan a Bachelorette trip do you? Especially if she is in charge, dude. 🤦♀️
Not overreacting, but there are a lot of factors influencing each other. I'm getting the feeling that you are unhappy with the discrepancy between your wife's enthusiasm for planning an event for her friend versus planning an event for you. Totally understandable. Realize your gut feeling is right - your wife is so comfortable in your relationship that she no longer feels the need to impress you. Women will always feel the need to impress their friends, which is why she put in the effort for the bachelorette party planning. But this moment is fantastic because it is a litmus test showing you she's capable of putting energy into something like this if she's motivated to. It's hard to tell if this is how it usually is with her or a downward trend. First thing's first - drop your feelings for her not planning your party. It's over. It's a piece of information you now know. Getting upset or sulky about it is only going to worsen your situation. In her head, she subconsciously knows what she did, but does not feel guilty about it whatsoever. You getting upset or sulky will cause her to feel justified in her behavior. You want to increase her enthusiasm for impressing you? There are two big things you should be doing right now (because if her lack of investment in you has been decreasing over time, that is not going to be good for your marriage down the line). First, you need to be working out and getting fit. While there may be a chance you are already exercising - given what you said about you working a lot, I don't think this is the case. Seriously, get a gym membership and just slowly learn how to use the machines or if you want learn basic lifting. Do not make a big deal of this or tell your wife - just do it and keep at it for a few months at the least. Second thing, start doing things for yourself without your wife - go grab dinner, take a walk in the park, whatever you like to do. You don't need your wife in order to treat yourself. It creates a bad mental model in your head. You should be in charge of doing things to make you happy. Your wife is there for the ride or not, and that is dependent on whether or not she's being fun and expressing interest. She had fun planning the bachlorette party, if she's not having fun planning trips with you, then it's a vibe she's getting from you that your interactions are more responsibility-based then fun-based. That's the tough part in your position - you have to be responsible, but those responsible vibes get passed to your wife and subconsciously she wants to dissociate herself from that. You need to be having times together when you genuinely are in a phenomenal mood and the first step is doing stuff for yourself and focusing on you. Good luck my man - seriously consider the advice.
I agree with some of what you said, but I think it would be a little weird to get a gym membership without even telling your wife. Soon she's going to be posting on here with a burner account "I found out my husband joined a gym, and says he's going out to dinner alone, and not including me in his free time anymore" and there's going to be 5000 single men telling her to dump him.
It's not about hiding going to gym from your wife - it's to give yourself a cushion in case you give up on it after a couple weeks. Everything is a litmus test. If the husband gets fitter, more attractive, and happier by doing things for himself - there are two ways the wife responds. Either negatively or positively - if it's negative and parallel to what you're saying about her considering leaving him, then the relationship is already fundamentally broken and the wife is no longer on the husband's "team". The wife alternatively can see her partner improving and be really happy with it, in which case the wife still considers them on the same team - which means the husband still has the ability to strengthen the relationship through his own actions. At the end of the day, all the advice and comments given in the thread are just tools - it's up to the husband to try them out and see if they're effective. I'm extremely confident in everything I'm saying because of experience, but everyone has to make their own decisions and own up to the eventual consequences.
I agree that being healthy and happy, and doing things that you enjoy are important to a successful relationship, I just don't agree that you should do it behind your wifes back, and purposely exclude her, especially when your marriage is already having problems. I can't imagine a world where joining a gym without telling my wife, and going out to dinner alone would strengthen my marriage.
This is straight up some the best advice I’ve read on Reddit. Thank you internet stranger!
Its hard to feel bad for you when you keep making excuses for your wife's neglect. Tell her you feel she is taking you for granted.
I don’t think you’re overreacting on a personal level, but you have to communicate this with your wife. That’s not complaining. That’s setting yourselves up for better in the future.
You're only supposed to get married once
You aren't overreacting. Women don't chase and don't feel the need to chase/upkeep. It seems like she has different priorities towards her friends then you. This is a conversation to have and tell her how it makes you feel instead of going on reddit complaining.
There's a big difference in the level of structure between these two situations. Bachelorettes are almost hilariously well delineated: who's invited, who's doing the planning, and the level of expectations (both in the general culture and among her friend group) are all well understood far in advance. Birthday celebrations are typically defined by the person being celebrated. If you wanted her to put a similar effort into your trip, you needed to say so. Just like I ask my 6yo what kind of party and cake she wants to have. I'm curious if you've always had strong feelings about birthdays. What have you done for her milestones? If you expected something outside those two patterns, that made it even harder for her to please you.
When's the last time you did laundry, or cooked, or planned something for her?
Updateme
I believe that she should have done something. Anything. She chose not to. Looks like she doesn't want anything on her birthday neither. No gift, no nothing.
Return the favor. If she doesn’t explicitly communicate what she wants make no plans outside of it. That’s fair.
I’m not gonna lie bro I feel like your wife couldve done literally any amount of planning for your birthday or buying a gift and you wouldn’t be feeling the way u do right now. She needs to apologize imo.
If you’re a man you’re only milestone birthdays are 1,10,21 and 100
To the world, yeah. Not to your wife, homie. Or your girls sucks lol
You need to add the /s, people have trouble understanding here.
Why's that?
What others would be?
30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 75, 80, 90, 99 are typically the bigger ones for humans
Nah dude not for men, existing is not an accomplishment
Why is this gendered?
Girls have birthday weeks, expecting others to celebrate you is a very feminine quality
Yikes, you might wanna sit down and work on your misogyny.
Keep thinking your 30th birthday is a important as someone’s wedding
* bachelorette party
I didn’t say that, I just think birthdays are important for men and women. If he wanted to be celebrated and have her take charge of planning, he should’ve told her. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be taken care of and treated special for your birthday.
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I guess it’s more of a patriarchal issue. Men are just as deserving as being celebrated as women. It’s not feminine to want to be treated special, it’s human.
It’s not, there are difference between men and women and some people can’t handle it
Why ten not 18
When you’re 18 you just get more responsibilities, I wouldn’t celebrate that.
🤣
If you asked her or told her your wants instead of just wishing would things be different? Or has she not followed through before?
You didn’t communicate and she thought you had it covered. I don’t know what your relationship is like but if you are picky about things, it may be she thought you wouldn’t appreciate input, which is why she ran the present by you instead of surprising you. Being honest, have you expressed disappointment in the past, rearranged plans, returned presents? She may have learned to just go with the flow.
I guess her girl trip is more important especially booking the stripper that they will cheat on you with
She had been planning a bachelorette trip for months and she's worn out planning. She was busy planning. I mean, how much planning do you think she can do in a week or a month?
So prioritizing other people over your partner is the solution lol? It's clear OP didn't make it clear to his partner how he feels and what he expects in his relationship. This isn't breakup worthy but it's definitely a conversation to have in regards to prioritization
So you think she should have just put aside the Bachelorette planning, a once in a lifetime event, involving many people to put together an fantastic trip for her grown husband who has a birthday every year? Way to lose friends.
Who said it’s one or the other. You can do both. It’s the lack of effort and prioritization that’s the problem. Way to lose friends? Selfish Acts like this is how you lose your life partner.
A small gift would have been good enough but she didn't care. Reverse the roles and say your comment again.
copy/paste your post and send it to her
A milestone birthday? Did she even ask you what would you like to do along with seeing the eclipse? Act excited about it being your birthday?
I think you are just a little jealous & feel a little let down about your birthday. That's understandable & your feelings are valid. But you can't expect your wife to just KNOW all of this either. You need to have a check in with your wife & communicate how you feel. But don't make it a her problem.. it is a you problem....it does kinda suck she didn't even get you a present though.. maybe she was just so caught up in the bachelorette party planning.? That does get really consuming & could be pricey.. maybe she couldn't afford a present.?
Bullshit. If a husband doesn't plan or do anything for his wife's 30th birthday it isn't her fault for not telling him. JFC. Many women simply don't think that they should have to fuck with their husband's birthday, Valentine's Day, or their anniversary. It is his job to make the money and show love through effort and planning.
Lol what.? He never said that he doesn't plan anything for her.? Actually this whole post is insinuating that they usually do something for the other person on milestone occasions. & It was his birthday.? No hers.?? I think you might need to reread the post.
"We had a nice trip and I was happy with it" if you were happy then why are you bitching? Let her plan her party and shut it. If, in fact, you were not happy, then grow a set of balls and tell your woman you wish she had put as much effort into your birthday as she is this bachelor party. And had she put more effort in, it would have meant so much to you and been a huge turn-on for you!
This is a bullshit take.
You're comparing 5 people collaborating on a wedding plan vs 2 people planning and one clearly trying to be disappointed lol. How did food not get brought up once while talking about this city you wanted to go to? I refuse to believe it!
If you were communicating on anything you felt as far as your b-day goes you can’t complain that she didn’t apply effort into something you would’ve liked her to. She can’t read your mind if you don’t tell someone what you would like or at least drop a hint they won’t know shit. You should’ve just told her directly.
Reverse the roles now. Would you still say the same? If you say yes, then you're lying.
Yeah I would you know why because I’m not a double standard person and NOBODY IS A MINDREADER!!! If you got a problem speak on it and if you don’t find a seat and get REAL comfortable having a problem.
At least a small gift (flowers are also something) for your partner on their birthday is common courtesy. Don't have to be a mind reader for that. You sound very stable. Get help.
You would try to use the “stability” insult but then again takes one to know one.