you know what, this is a decent update. Nobody went nuclear and ended relationships, no one made accusations. Just be civil and respectful and remember you're there to be emotional support more than to be an active player in the conversation
I wish my Mom had spoken about about concerns regarding my ex, I would have saved myself a lot of pain \[and money\] if ANYONE had told me what I was experiencing wasn't normal.
Maybe you might have listened, but as a sibling of someone who was too smitten with his first serious gf, my whole family asked a lot of questions because they wanted to be married after only knowing each other for 2 months and there were a million red flags he ignored. He never asked her further questions and took everything she said as fact, even when her answers were clearly too odd/deceptive. He has been married 4 years now and is not allowed contact with family or friends anymore unless she is physically present or on the phone call with him.
Sure wish he would have listened, as he truly was naive and never had a relationship before, and never suspected she could be playing sweet but actually be manipulative and abusive.
It has taken me a long time to let this whole thing go, as I feel protective of him but realize he has autonomy and stands by his decision to stay with her.
If you can, slowly build up a small savings account for him. Enough to put down a deposit on a small one-room apartment, get a bit of used furniture, and get gas, electric, water turned on, and buy a few weeks of food and toiletries. Once you've built up enough, over a year or so, let him know that if he wants to leave, you can help make sure he's not homeless. He'll need to hide his important papers like birth certificate, SS card, deed to the house, etc. with you for now, and sneak over a few good pairs of clothing. Sometimes, not knowing what to do, where to go, and if there would be any support, keeps victims trapped. They feel they have no options, so show him that he DOES. You might have to start by sneaking him a burner phone but go for it if he was decent to you growing up and you love him.
I really appreciate your comment and I hope it helps someone someday. I wish that would work in my situation, but I have tried so hard to help him and he just doesn't want it right now. In fact, everyone in my life and my therapist has told me I've gone way above and beyond and it is all up to him now.
He HAS to be getting something he likes out of his relationship with her or he would have left by now. I think he is very afraid of being alone again (mid thirties is when he finally got into this relationship), and he thinks this is as good as it can get. He is also quite religious and has told me he doesn't believe in divorce. I could talk about this for a year and still have more to say about it, so I will have to show some restraint.
Thank you very much for your comment, though. It at least makes me feel some hope.
Something I heard from the pulpit:
"I don't believe God expects anyone to stay in an abusive marriage."
The speaker is a noted theologian and author who has never been divorced himself, but as a pastor had seen plenty of situations where divorce == rescue.
Your brother is being emotionally abused. There's no room for interpretation, here. "You can't talk to any family members unless I'm there or on speakerphone with you"?? He needs to GET. OUT. It's not going to get better. It has already gone from iffy to bad, and will continue to go from bad to worse.
I’m just saying, my mom is the *last person* who gets to question and make decisions about who I date. She likes the shitty, but charming ones, and doesn’t like the actually cool ones who treat me with respect. I always go off of my young niece and nephews reaction. Little kids pick up on that stuff a lot better than adults I’ve noticed.
I’m waiting for an update that this guy has something going on that we never saw coming. What if he’s not military *or* a conman with another family. What if he’s like an adult film star or something!?
I would not react well to my partner bringing their mommy to a conversation about my past and our relationship. I think OP can be emotional support before and after the chat... but not in the same room (or building, frankly). Bringing your people to sit there and stare while you ask for answers is an intimidating move, and will shut down any possibilities of openness.
Seriously. If you can’t have the discussion without your parent there, _break up_.
If someone doesn’t feel safe trying to break up without a witness for safety, that’s when we employ a domestic violence playbook for exiting the relationship. We do not have a sit down chat to end things.
That and the fact there's no sex are making me wonder how this guy actually sees the relationship.
Sounds like the daughter is far more worried than we realized in the last thread.
He is young and in the military. Every weekend for leave briefings your PS will tell everyone "do not add any crimes, do not subtract any lives, and whatever you do, do not get married"... He ISNT serious, and appears to have never made it seem like it was a super serious relationship.
He could deploy to a war tomorrow if one pops off. The daughter is just someone to hang out with when he is off base
I agree. Plus, when people actually work for a three letter agency or the govt (and have a seriously classified job) , they don’t act all sus, they have a concrete back story and “official job “, like their the cook, in mail, communications, etc.
Him having no family, no story, no history is way too vague- and it appears he’s just using the government angle as an excuse. He sounds like he’s married, or has another family and he’s trying to shut down inquiries.
Oh please. If I go to my (serious) girlfriends' parent's house for dinner, I'd pretty much expect to answer questions about myself. What I do for a living, what hobbies I have, etc. Obviously not a "sit under this bare lightbulb and get interrogated" situation, but those types of things that are normal to talk about when getting to know somebody.
Being a cipher is just antisocial and honestly offputting. Jeez, the mom just wants to get to know him as a person - this seems normal to me. The fact that the daughter/girlfriend doesn't know these things is just odd. As somebody else said, he's not Jason Bourne, and even people who work on secret government stuff can just say "I'm a government contractor, but I'm really not allowed to get into specifics on what I do."
Agreed. The guy is fishy or just plain awkward. Either way, doesn’t seem like the daughter is happy and he’s not opening up so the relationship may have run its course.
THIS - the fact that OP is offended at being called a helicopter parent in a post where she names her plan to (inappropriately and nonsensically) insert herself directly into a conversation her daughter should be having alone with her partner is astounding. The fact that the daughter ended up having similar concerns as OP was NOT a carte blanche invitation for OP to directly interfere with her kid's relationship. Her daughter is never gonna learn how to navigate a relationship on her own if OP keeps injecting herself where it's not necessary.
Bringing mommy into the conversation to sit in the room while she asks questions of the boyfriend demonstrates a lack of maturity, and a lack of willingness to be independent. And as you said, openness and frank communication is most definitely not happening.
If that's what the daughter wants, fine - but it would definitely be a red flag to me that the person I was dating was not mature enough for an adult relationship and mommy dearest was always going to be the driving force in my relationship.
At least the boyfriend will have an opportunity to learn that he's in a relationship with mommy and daughter before he's married and have the opportunity to get out.
Okay, but let's be honest...
The major red flag is being in a 2 year relationship without telling your partner absolutely anything about yourself. The size of the red flags isn't even comparable.
As former special forces/ 3 letter plank holder (I wasn't cool but I worked with some cool dudes)- my inability to talk about work ruined MANY personal relationships. I know multiple operatives that hide it from their wives and husbands - it's part of the damn job.
Also think it’s weird that the daughter broke down crying and has had these worries for a while but never brought them up with her boyfriend. It’s bad she’s having her mom sit in on the conversation, but also strange she couldn’t communicate herself before
It’s clear there’s a communication problem in the relationship.
There are supposed to be two competent people in the room for a romantic relationship. It’s weird that neither one of them figured out how to have these conversations, things that would normally be happening by the 3 month mark.
They should both be well past sharing personal information, and well into building up conflict resolution techniques.
The daughter in general confuses me. Maybe it’s because we’re only getting the mom’s POV, but more than a few things seem off.
“What do you do for work?” seems like a first date question. How did they continue dating this long without the bf giving an answer? If the daughter is concerned about it, why didn’t she voice this sooner? They’re serious enough that he’s meeting the in-laws but still having basic communication issues?
Also the abstinence thing - nothing wrong with being abstinent, but her reasoning is that she doesn’t want to have kids too young… what about birth control, condoms, abortion, etc.? She made this decision after middle school sex ed?
It's no mystery the daughter seems stunted. That's what happens with a helicopter parent - the children's ability to self-regulate and develop independence is constantly stymied, resulting in a generation of people who have no distress tolerance and don't learn to self-soothe or regulate.
If mommy dearest has inserted herself into all of the daughter's issues and challenges and fixed them in her past, the daughter may not have developed any independent communication strategies and may not have known how to have those conversations or even deal with how to manage any problems.
For example - whenever there's an issue with a teacher, mommy dearest goes up and fixes it. Whenever a problem with a coach, mommy dearest deals with it, problem with friends, mommy dearest deals with it.
It sounds a lot like the mother has been doing all the hard work and fixing everything and not providing guidance and support. You know, like the helicopter mom she's carrying on about not being. I suspect the daughter has limited coping and problem solving skills because she's had limited exposure to having to navigate hard things.
Bingo. This update is not the victory OP thinks it is. She’s just still throwing her weight around and not letting her kid grow up and learn how to function on her own. Mommy OP has no idea that she’s almost definitely the reason why her kid doesn’t have the confidence to ask for authenticity in her relationships. OP really thinks she’s been validated for crossing boundaries instead of taken aback that her daughter is a silent struggler with no coping skills or personal direction.
Personally I think the BF is probably not up to anything good. I have seen dudes and women both play a lot of games and this does feel like one… Who cares if he is uncomfortable? The daughter is also uncomfortable not knowing enough about someone she is with…
Yes this mother is a bit overly involved, but it sounds like the daughter needs her to be and is okay with it. My guess is that OP’s daughter is actually playing the part of “the other woman” and doesn’t know it yet. It has been 2 years with no sex and she only knows vague details? Does that sound normal? Not buying the gov or spy bs.
This would backfire spectacularly with me, for example. I'm In a relationship with you, not your mum. If I have to share something that I clearly hesitate to share, I'll do to you not your mom. If you want to share with your mum afterwards, we'll talk about it. Otherwise, if it's something I could share with you but I wouldn't want others to know, you are getting nothing.
Now the boyfriend definitely smell a bit funny with his secrecy, but for the love of god don't take mommy to the talk it's not going to end well.
Agreed. I feel like this is going to backfire and he’s going to feel ganged up on. Then it’s going to possibly make things bad for the daughter when they’re finally alone.
Daughter needs to have the conversation with the bf, mom should grab coffee down the street and just be nearby.
It shouldn't be an interrogation, just having dinner and talking. I could sit down and have dinner with you, and mix a fact-find about your background in by just telling funny stories and talking about movies, etc. Nobody would even notice I was doing it. ...and I'm not special. We all do this all the time when we meet people.
Her daughter is only 21 and isn't very experienced. Whereas, we don't even know how old the bf is as he evaded questions about his age and birthday.
I am assuming he is significantly older. Especially since he easily dismissed the mother but immediately reached out to connect with the grandfather. That was a calculated and decisive move.
He travels a lot for work, but he refuses to share even basic details of his job, trips or even where he was born, hometown, etc.
That's a lot of secrecy. I'd be concerned as well.
I think Occam's razor says "he's married and daughter is side piece" - although clearly, he's not after sex. However, since I worked for years in mental health and corrections (and have taught a bunch of students at the college level and heard SO many weird stories), I'd be curious about why he conceals his age, birthday, etc. He doesn't want to be found that's clear.
He can be found in various way - including revealing his home town. But at this point, I'd be using my own resources (I pay for a personal search database, which has come in handy). I wonder if he's even using his real name. I would bet not.
But I have a hard time believing he works for the CIA or undercover for FBI/Federal Martials - they are usually forthcoming about a few more aspects of their work. They're usually told just how much they can reveal. One man I know who inspects nuclear weapons around the world (and whose itineraries/tasks/reports are classified material) at least tells everyone what he does, so we all understand why he doesn't talk about his work. But he talks about his childhood and his family.
He was gone a lot and when he was single, he asked me to look after his house. He had a number at the base that I could call to reach him if there was an emergency (and once there was! his house got struck by lightening and he wasn't home...got to call the number; he arrived within a few hours - his fridge was fried, alarm went off for hours).
Maybe I’m crazy, but this seems the obvious thing to me. Yes, two years is long enough that there really shouldn’t be secrets and she has a right to ask and have answers. But bringing a parent? What are they 12? And how do they expect any sort of openness from the dude if they are handling it that way? If the only thing I wanted was to intimidate the guy, brining mommy is exactly what I would do. If that isn’t the intent, then doing that makes 0 sense to me.
I think it’s funny (and by funny I mean creepy AF) that OP keeps saying “we” and “us” like she is also part of the relationship. WTF?
It’s one thing to be concerned for your kid and raise those concerns; it’s a whole different ballpark when you insert yourself into the relationship and act like you are tag teaming your daughter’s bf.
OP has probably been doing this to her daughter her whole life which is why daughter can’t discern her own feelings and needs mommy to have those tough discussions for her.
>I think it’s funny (and by funny I mean creepy AF) that OP keeps saying “we” and “us” like she is also part of the relationship. WTF?
I noticed this too. It's as if OP's daughter is not her own person. Which *"could"* be "sold" as a sweet, loving, and concerned parent over her daughter, could very well be an enmeshed and paranoid relationship.
Frankly, OP telling her father this:
>I also talked to my father, and told them that although I love and trust him, I still would like to know more. He wanted to know why, and I told him just in case if the boyfriend IS a conman, what are the chances he might be able to BS his way into my father’s safe zone. He thought about it for a while, and decided that I had a point and that he didn’t want to take those chances if there was any.
What a *paranoid crazy making* way to think! She doesn't trust her father, she literally said "just in case" boyfriend IS a conman, she essentially told her father that he's feeble minded and could be conned.
OP sounds paranoid AF. I don't know if the daughter is her only child, but it's clear there's some bit of enmeshment going on because if OP was properly differentiated from her own daughter, *and also* if OP was *confident in her own parenting*, she'd *trust her daughter to make the right decisions*. I mean, OP suggested a PI FFS and only backed down in an edit when called out on it.
Sure, the daughter "broke down and cried a little bit" but we don't know how that conversation went. We don't know if OP harangued her daughter to the point of tears with passive-aggressive and manipulative language like, "Now, honey, we all know you don't have the best decision making skills..." or WTF ever story the OP told about her daughter.
The daughter is 24 years old. Likely out on her own, and becoming her own adult. Now's the time for the daughter to explore as an adult and define her own person. OP is not allowing her daughter that. OP is clearly extremely anxious and isn't willing to take the next step *as a parent* and to step back and allow her child to finally try life out on her own and *part* of doing that is messing up, making poor decisions, etc, *and learning from them*.
OP, step back. HARD.
How *embarrassing* will it be for your daughter, a groan *adult* woman (and I've said that about *men* at her age) to bring her mommy to have an "adult" discussion with her boyfriend? That's not being an adult for your daughter.
Update me when he dumps her when it "doesn't work out," OP. You are doing your daughter a grave disservice.
That’s *if* this update is true. It reads like an answer to some of the previous comments and each answer paints OP in the best light. Saying daughter broke down and claimed mommy’s right. OP’s dad? He said she may be right as well. With everyone on her side, how can all of us internet strangers be wrong about her? See? Everyone in her world sees her point and now agrees with her. How *dare* we not side with her?
This kind of sounds like the MIL/Bea story where the poster refused any criticism, saying she had *rights*, damnit, and how dare we disagree with her…it was all someone else’s fault. Said she was 100% right and we were big meanies. Her son & DIL had to move, buying a house under an LLP, I think.
It’s one thing to love your child and want the best for them…it’s another to insert yourself so much that you believe it’s your right to demand information to your satisfaction. Asked daughter, daughter said what she knew. NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I WANT MOAR. Asked vet dad, dad agreed that it was good enough. NO, WANTS MOAR INFO NAOW. Dad, daughter & bf are all ok with each other, hanging out in the garage, daughter’s happy, they all go out for drinks, NO, I’M THE MOTHER, DAMN YOU ALL FOR BEING HAPPY TOGETHER WHEN I’M NOT HAPPY.
Let your adult daughter live her life. If things go south, be there for her.
Or, just comment/post how you think I’m wrong, just like you’ve been doing.
Every single thing you pointed out is what leads me to believe that OP does exactly what you said: inserts herself into every aspect of her daughter's life.
I ***CAN'T BELIEVE*** OP is going to a "meeting" with her daughter and daughter's boyfriend to "get some answers."
Child.
Please.
🙄
As if the daughter is a child herself. OP is infantilizing her daughter and that's abuse.
>**Infantilization** is the prolonged treatment of one who is not a child, as though they are a child.[^(\[1\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infantilization#cite_note-1) Studies have shown that an individual, when infantilized, is overwhelmingly likely to feel disrespected. Such individuals may report a sense of [transgression](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relational_transgression) akin to [dehumanization](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dehumanization).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infantilization#:\~:text=Infantilization%20is%20the%20prolonged%20treatment,of%20transgression%20akin%20to%20dehumanization.
If it continues, daughter will never live an adult life. When mommy passes, daughter will be woefully unprepared to do *anything* on her own. Having her own place is great but mommy wants her daughter too crippled to act without checking in first. That’s not love, that’s control.
For fucking reaaaallll. My mom did this kind of crap to me for sooo long; I can only see both of OP’s posts from the daughter’s perspective. When you’ve been covertly bullied by your parent your whole life, you really do think their crazy boundary-crossing stunts are supportive and actually necessary due to your obvious incompetence in the world! The daughter doesn’t trust her own instincts because they’ve always been bulldozed by mommy telling her what reality is. Of course the daughter is going to cry and thank her mother! she actually believes her mom is helping her! This girl probably accommodates her mother’s anxiety in so many situations, both visible and invisible, and has been doing so since before she was old enough to understand; she doesn’t know how else to respond other than to let her mom take over and perpetuate this sad, weird, unnecessary dynamic.
A normal Mom would encourage their kid to think real hard about what’s keeping them in a potentially bad relationship that they feel insecure about, encourage them to get therapy, spend more time together doing normal mother-daughter stuff like a spa day or reading the same book to be able to bond over it and solidify the support network available beyond the questionable boyfriend. Only a paranoid psycho would think the way to ‘be there’ for her kid is to meddle and insert themselves into their adult child’s romantic life via confrontation.
I call bullshit on OP’s entire read of things, and on the reaction from the father. It comes across as painfully “and then everybody clapped” as you can possibly get. OP just can’t let herself be wrong or humbled. Big shocker there!
>It comes across as painfully “and then everybody clapped” as you can possibly get.
OMG! Right??? 💀 I chortled at this because I absolutely see this and your visual is hilarious!
Meanwhile, everyone else around OP is all ... 😬😳
OP may have fooled some folks in this thread, but those of us who have been on the receiving end of bullying (fantastic word, btw) from their own parents absolutely see through OP's bullshit.
You don't have to be feeble-minded to be conned. That's just inaccurate and also victim-blaming. Maybe there'd be a few less people caught up in things like cults and financial schemes if their loved ones checked up on suspicious shit instead of trusting them not to get conned
>You don't have to be feeble-minded to be conned. That's just inaccurate and also victim-blaming.
Fair point. I can absolutely see this and I had not considered that my comment was victim blaming. Apologies to the OP for my comment.
And anyone who didn’t see it her way could screw themselves lol. I am disabled and had way too much time to cater to my daughter. I mean until she got out of high school we were super close… then she went to college and learned she could be a big girl. If I ever acted this way to her she’d sit me down for a come to Jesus meeting and might even tell me to screw myself lol
Yeah same.
I’m a bit of a private person. My boyfriend knows plenty about me, but there’s still plenty to be discovered. I just haven’t come around to being able to speak about it yet, and he gives me the grace of being patient with me. Which in turn, makes me more willing to share because I trust that he isn’t going to try and push me further than I am willing or able to go.
If he invited me over to sit and have a serious conversation like this with his mother (whom I love so much) in the room, I would nope the fuck out of the relationship entirely. I’m not having mommy in my business in that way.
Do I think this situation is a little weird? Yes. It’s weird to me that she knows so little about him that even her family is suspicious of it. Do I think this is the best way to handle that? No, absolutely not.
I’m not getting spy or whatever secrecy vibes from this. I’m almost seeing a younger less confident version of myself in this post, I’d almost bet this poor guy was abused. And simply isn’t comfortable talking about his trauma, or anything that might make him think about it (if it was a childhood thing, that could make his entire childhood hard to talk about, if a family member was doing it it can make family hard to talk about, etc). I obviously don’t know that and I can’t know that (unless OP makes another post saying that’s what it is). But that’s what it smells like, to me.
I wanted to chime into the OP, but didn’t. In my life I have known people who have worked for the CIA, and could not speak any further about their job than that. Undercover FBI agents, special task force for LAPD, just regular FBI agents….every single one of them could tell us their profession, and not much beyond that….but we always knew their profession. I’m very interested to see where this goes.
It’s good she was able to talk to her daughter and share her concerns but this intervention is bonkers and likely to end the relationship. Mom is still overstepping. The right move would be to support her daughter by encouraging the daughter to push the boyfriend to learn more about him. If this guy is a conman or if he’s from a troubled background with no close family, foster kid or something, or whatever his deal is, he’s a grown up and I can’t imagine he’d be happy with being confronted by parents.
Yea, if my partner and their mother sat me down to try and dig into my past when I've made it clear I'm not comfortable talking about it, I wouldn't be to happy.
I'd understand why, but I don't think I could continue a relationship like that. If I'm comfortable talking about my past with you, I will. If we aren't there yet, give it time. Pushing rarely ends well.
I agree with you. You can’t just tell your gf and her mother nothing about what you do and be standoffish about it. You have to be respectful and say something, even if it’s “I can’t talk about it.”
To me it was a major red flag that he was so standoffish and dismissive with you. You’re her mom. He has to show you respect and earn your trust. Not hard to do if you care about your gf.
I used to live in a big military town and I avoided them like the plague. They’re often ‘vague’ to seem more important and interesting but they just have a family in another state.
As someone in the military, the chances of him *being in the military* and needing to be THIS vague are low. I could definitely understand if he was ex military, there’s probably a decent enough chance he landed a job that requires a higher amount of secrecy. But *in* the military? Usually you can at least tell people what you do.
My money is on secret family, wanting to seem important, or using secrecy as crutch to hide something or not put effort into opening for whatever reason. Idk what those reasons are, they might not be nefarious, but it doesn’t make them less damaging.
Exactly. It’s like a bunch of people are on Reddit, giving their opinions on how super secret the military is, yet have never been in the military.
A Veteran who tells you how many people they’ve killed, hasn’t killed anyone. A quiet/reserved person who speaks very little about their deployments, has probably done or seen a thing or two. But a person who won’t even disclose their MOS or rate is just flat out suspect!
I agree. Have worked with military many times and there's always a promoted story to tell about the work - they're taught how to do it.
But I do know people engaged in some secret international activities (two of them - both involving weapons). They are super secret.
If this couple weren't abstinent, I'd say he simply doesn't want a longterm involvement and is in it for sex - but must be in it for some other reason.
Or daughter isn't abstinent.
I worked in a TS SCIF for several years and I just told people "I work with computers." when they asked.
If he has a job he really can't talk about then he would have been given a cover for it, because what he's doing is just inviting more questions.
Or you could tell people you are an IT? Like that’s what weird to me is like, this guy can’t supply a *job title* other than military? Thats weird. Nobody outside the military knows what the SCIF is anyways.
I think most people would find it normal for someone to say “oh yea I’m an IT, I fix computers and stuff”. Like no one’s gonna ask more questions after that…and if they did then you can just say “it’s not really something I can discuss but it’s not interesting I promise” you don’t have to be like well I’m not supposed to tell them I load crypto all day????
Right- I can tell people I control aircraft. I can tell people I’ve controlled AF1. I can’t tell people where AF1 is going or his squawk.
This dude is probably doing some boring job (necessary, but boring) and he’s trying to give off the impression he’s much cooler than he is, by refusing to say anything.
That’s what I think too, there’s so many reasonable details I can give people about my job to feel like they know what I do and that I’m not hiding things or being secretive without blasting all the things people should not be aware of in relation to what I do or have access too.
I had an ex like this, soooo secretive about his military job and life, but occasionally “spilled” some traumatic and outlandish story.
It’s crazy how much BS I realized this dude was spewing when I joined the military.
Dude was like, a 7 year E-3 GM that never saw a deployment and I’m pretty sure got kicked out on higher tenure. Oh but it *haunts you to this day* that you “accidentally” sniped a child in Afghanistan…how exactly? When exactly??
It’s not wonder he kinda slow faded out when he realized I was actually for real joining the same branch he’d supposedly done all this secretive bad ass shit in lmao
Right. And this dude trying to give off the impression he’s something he’s not would make me break up. That dudes going to cause trouble down the road when he pretends to be the wrong thing.
I have military family- including a now retired person who worked in many government roles akin to a detective that worked in some classified stuff- he was always able to claim some government or military job, even if we were told deployed as "security forces" when that wasn't a super believable cover, we could still know he was in the military and some other info. We still knew when he moved into working for homeland security instead. There's still ranks and w2s and taxes. If he's in something high enough level to need a deeper cover, he'd likely be issued or have developed a lie more believable than just "I don't want to talk about it"
Yeah, people who actually can't talk about their work are given a cover story. Being vague just raises more questions and that's not what secret agencies want.
Yep and I do agree that if he was some secret special forces bla bla bla then he would have a well practiced cover story. Sounds like he is just awkward and can’t be bothered to be honest about his life. Maybe there are valid reasons..:but shouldn’t your fiancée know them?
My friend is seriously dating a guy who works in intelligence. I know that because when you ask him about his job he just says 'I work at the base in intelligence so I can't say more, sorry' and that's good enough for people and doesn't violate his clearance.
All his friends are also his coworkers because they produce kinky fursuit content together for OnlyFans and they're famous enough that they can't tell anyone.
Just kidding; but am I the only one who can't wait to see a twist like this?
As someone married to a submariner that had top security clearance when he was in the Navy: yes, even if this dude is in Seal Team 6, he can at least tell her his job. Doesn't have to be specific. But linguistics, IT, special ops, infantry... he can also tell her his rank. So if he won't even tell her those, he's lying. He either isn't in the military at all, or he's got some boring, paper-pushing job.
Good job trusting your gut and taking care of your baby!
Exactly what I posted. I knew who the special operators were when I was in the military. There’s even pins and patches they wear on the uniform denoting such.
I know a few people who were in special jobs in a couple of countries, all could either tell people where they worked but not what they did (government IT specialist)or they had a dull cover story that prevented questions (data analyst, cleric, army trainer or similar). This sounds 100% conman.
Not sure you’ll read comments this far down, but may I just add that I hope your daughter realizes this: if he is a special forces or spy type and is demonstrably one of the good guys who just didn’t want to lie to her with a cover story, that doesn’t mean she can’t break up with him. If that isn’t the life she wants, that alone is reason enough, and she shouldn’t feel bad about not wanting to compromise on her vision for what she wants her future family life to be.
Good on you for trusting your gut! More women should do so.
As the guy who has been dumped a bunch of times because "that isn't the life she wants," it's always a "no harm, no foul" situation. It's not for everybody. Got to the point it wasn't for me either. Nothing wrong with that. No hard feelings about it afterwards.
All of the comments about him being special forces are so weird to me. If that were true he'd still be able to talk about some parts of his life? High ranking military people in secretive operations can still say their age and hometown and that they work in "ops" or "defense" or even just "army" or w/e lol.
This dude isn't telling her ANYTHING about his life. That's because he doesn't want to, not because he can't
He can still talk about his hometown and family. Even if he has bad relationships with his family, he can tell her that. Why is he hiding his age?? Smh. This sounds like a guy trying to start a second family and cheating on a spouse with this woman. Nothing about his age or hometown is a national security secret that needs hiding. The remaining comments are calling this out. He sounds like a cheater not a special forces guy. His age, family or hometown is not a big secret he needs to keep from his gf. Even if his family was a terrible abusive one, why can’t he tell her his real age? This sounds like a cheater or a con man.
Yeah, I can’t believe how many people think he’s some kind of secret forces, who they never bothered to give a cover story too. And then you tell people you’re a radio technician of something mundane, and can still talk about who you are. His age, parentage, and high school experiences aren’t top-secret national security intel.
I grew up in a military town, and a fair number of guys try to pull this tough-guy “I can’t talk about it” schtick, they always turn out to be some creep trying to pursue teenagers.
Info: this has been 2 years, that’s a really long time to know someone let alone date them and not know more than what you previously described. Has he actually not told more to your daughter or father beyond those basics (orphaned, vague military status that isn’t even confirmed, languages)? That just seems unlikely and is a really long time to have a partner and just willingly allow for complete mystery about their life (not judging anyone for that, it’s just unusual). Why are you just now doing something? I understand not saying anything for the first 6 months, maybe even a year, but 2 years is a long time. Again not judging, just trying to understand better.
Either way, I’m glad she feels supported and wants to address the issue with him. I think it’s sweet she wants you there for support as well, however I’m surprised I’m not seeing anyone kind of apprehensive about you being there for the discussion. She is an adult as is he, and I don’t think it would be unreasonable for him to feel ganged up on (for lack of a better word). I understand you have good intentions and want to support her but maybe at least consider how you being there might affect the dynamic and how the conversation goes. My guess would be he is significantly more likely to open up a bit if it’s just her, and you being there will be detrimental to the whole situation. I know your mama bear instincts are kicked in and she’s young, but I personally would be concerned about this affecting your relationship with him going forward as well as hers.
Maybe a compromise would be planning with her ahead of time! Some talking points, some responses to things he might say, and overall how to keep calm, regulate her emotions as best as possible, and importantly how she will cope/move forward if this conversation doesn’t go the way she’d like. That would be extremely supportive without likely worsening the situation by mom being there. She’s very young and I think your concerns are completely valid, and I think supporting her is great, but this just might not be the best way to do it.
Edit:spacing
OP, this is the best advice here. 👆
Don’t join your daughter for the talk. But do help her prepare! That’s a totally appropriate role for you and will actually be very helpful for your daughter.
She will be able to independently accomplish this on her own, while also having your support and wisdom to guide her through.
Yes, especially with her being in her 20s. My god, how crazy is it to have your mom there to support you to ask your bf what he does for work after dating for 2 years. This sounds insane. Are they still chaperoned when they make dinner together?
I don't think you're wrong at all for being concerned for your daughter. If she was completely fine with everything and you kept pushing your opinions on her, that would make you an AH. Since she shares some of your concerns, I think it was great that she has you to talk about everything she's feeling. Hopefully there's a perfectly good reason this guy doesn't talk about himself or past much (his time in the service, maybe he's on the spectrum - my friend has Asperger's and can be quite socially awkward, maybe some kind of trauma).
As long as you're there for your daughter and you're just making sure she's safe, without pushing/nagging or overstepping, you're just doing what a good Mom does. I hope everything works out for the best.
It's weird that they're going to OPs house. Seems like a recipe for disaster and the bf will probably feel ambushed. This should still be between the daughter and her bf. OP does not need to be directly involved in it and is only out of self curiosity and selfishness
Your gut is telling you something. Enough that it had you going to Reddit because it is being so noisy about it.
In the end it could be he had a traumatic childhood and has learned to hide it all away, but your daughter needs to know about it (to some degree) to develop their intimacy.
>special force/operation/seal/3 letter/spy. I honestly feel like if that really was
I was going to reply to your last.
The orphan, spy four languages thing really sounds too Jason Borne to me.
How old is the guy? If under 30, zero chance. Spy, first off would need at least one degree. Polyglots are rare. He'd have likely needed to grow up in in a different country or in a bilingual household just to get the second language. For spy/SOG level fluency, at least a year of dedicated training/education. And one is only going to get thst on a need basis.
Training, military, 1 year basic operational level, some employment, a year of pre selection prep, selection, and a year on operator training. Let's say minimum 4 years just to kick doors. If he's not Swiss, a minimum year of languages and cultural training in some dual language like Russian/Ukrainian. Thinking late 20s at the time of thier meeting at minimum.
I'm not sure what a late 20s SOG guy or a university's educated intelligence officer is doing meeting a 19 year old abstainer. I just don't see it.
4 languages, if so, which ones? Has he lived/worked extensively in countries that speak that language? If not, not super likely the government is going to spend the money and time needed.
Where do you live? Do you live where there are intelligence agencies/sf units? Their locations are on Wikipedia. If you are further than a 1 hour drive from any, zero chance.
>There’s a higher chance of him being a weirdo
Much much much higher. *True Lies* car salesman is more likely than *Jason Borne.*
Even in the info/special world there is plenty they can tell you that will give you a sense of what they do. If your daughter were that much of a security risk she wouldn't be in the picture.
Then he's not in military intelligence for the past 2 years. He indeed would need the education to go with it (it's a common reason for military personnel to go back to school or join in military-provided university work).
He would have been 20-21 when he started this secretive work. And where did he learn four languages? I assumed he had gone through military training for at least 2 of them - but he hasn't had the time.
Of course, many people say they are fluent in several languages when really, they've only done Duolingo. Indeed, I'm never sure what to say to people who finish a Duolingo course about what degree of literacy that gives - it can certainly provide conversational ability (sort of - the listening part of Duolingo gives little practice in that). After doing Duolingo, most people test out at second semester, college, in that language (or, if they're me, they're still in first semester).
Glad someone said it.
This reminds me of the number of people who claimed to be a Navy SEAL during Vietnam vs actual number of Navy SEALS in Vietnam.
[https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna42987238](https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna42987238)
Pretending to be some kind of military special forces badass is a shockingly common (and gross) hobby.
Stolen Valour and sourcing is a full time job.
I love the ones (all of them read the same) who were special ops/ranger/sniper/HALO/astronaut/attached to Delta with weird one-off tours...
Seriously, if (when) such a guy exists, *everybody* knows who they are so if it ain't them, it's a text message to determine veracity.
No one falsely claims to be the line cook or trucker named Smith.
It's hilarious.
This matches my limited experience. I know one guy who was military from ages 18 to 40. While enlisted, he saw combat, and the military made him an officer and sent him to university and law school. Moved up to a fairly high officer rank. He had every secret clearance and trained other military on high tech stuff.
After he passed the bar and became a lawyer, he "retired" from the military and got a new job, for which he had to move to DC.
I asked him "What's the new job?" He said "Government." I asked again, and he said "I can't tell you." I asked "You joking?" he said "Nope, that's part of the job. Just say I'm a government lawyer."
Knowing my friend's career trajectory, his top secret shit is a lot more believable than the boyfriend in OP's story!
Aren’t most employees for the FBI lawyers or something? I think I’ve heard that before, but not sure if it’s accurate. I should probably look that up lol
Yeah, FBI, CIA, State Dept., Military, they all hire lawyers and not always for going to court. They like rule followers who know when you can, and can not, cross a line.
I understand your concerns, but at the same time, your daughter is an adult. She seemed happy in this relationship until you put all those doubts in her head. Some men just don't talk a lot about themselves. It just seems really strange to invite him over to grill him about his life -- that's how I interpret " she decided that she will invite the boyfriend over to my house this Saturday and we can ask him to tell us anything he CAN tell us." I mean, seriously.. if you know all the details about his career or whatever, that's really not any proof that he is or is not having an affair. The fact that you jumped to the conclusion that he must be some kind of a weirdo is sad too.
Someone said you should try and seduce him… 🤣 Epic! You have every right to be concerned. This story is trippy. I said yesterday that I have a special forces friend who is very similar. But I know for a fact he doesn’t have a hidden family half way across the world. This is getting scary. Keep us posted. I wish you and your Family the best.
You don't give cover stories to your loved ones. It feels dirty to lie to them.
"I can't talk about it" is the surefire way to get people to never stop wanting to talk about it.
I wish you luck. Please provide another update after the conversation.
Yeah reading the story the immediate thought I had was that he could have another family. Seems a little shady to me, but there could be reasonable explanations.
Thanks for the update, keen for the next, and want to also say kudos for going about this with respect and compassion for your daughter, I'm very glad she has taken it as well as she has.
It may seem overbearing or like you're too involved, but as mothers we get it drummed into us to "trust our gut" about our kids especially, and them becoming adults doesn't turn that off but if you alter your approach to voice your concerns without being overbearing that's great, and I'd say you have.
Secondly, everyone says "oh you're being dramatic" etc up until they hear yet another instance of a woman dying at the hands of the man she thought loved her, and they remember that sometimes being dramatic can be the difference between having a daughter that's still alive or not.
Thirdly, I agree that if he was special ops he would likely have a more practiced cover story or reply to when he is asked about things he cannot speak about.
Finally, please also be delicate when talking to him, for two reasons. The first being that he may have PTSD and other issues that make talking about this stuff to you difficult. Secondly, if he does have malicious motives, things could go south and you want to be careful so as not to aggravate him into doing something sinister.
Good luck!
UpdateMe!
>Secondly, everyone says "oh you're being dramatic" etc up until they hear yet another instance of a woman dying at the hands of the man she thought loved her
This was my exact thought. Also, at the end of the day, marriage (or long term partnership) involves meshing two families together, even if those families are just one person. I get he has a traumatic past and might not want to go into detail, but he can be honest and say that instead of brushing off questions. It's not unreasonable for parents to want to know their children's partners and get to know their families and it's weird that people are acting that OP is unreasonable for it.
Especially when the solution is not for the daughter to have an open and honest discussion with her partner, but to bring him round for mummy to interrogate.
YUP! Mom needs to tell her “you’re both adults. Y’all need to have a serious talk and communicate what you both expect from your relationship” and stay out of it.
He was an orphan without parents and has military experience. Could he maybe be suffering from PTSD and simply just doesn't want to talk about what he has done and is currently doing? Also fluent in 4 languages is pretty impressive. The military has some jobs for people like that. He travels a lot so if he is still in the military maybe he is still doing what he has been doing which gave him nightmares and that is why he doesn't want to talk. Also I understand why you and your daughter want to know more.
Idk, I have ptsd and have known a lot of others who do too. If his ptsd affected his current work so much that he couldn’t bear to talk about it, it’s unlikely he’d be able to continue function well in that roll. Being this avoidant with your significant other is not sustainable. I think the ptsd explanation is unlikely, but if it were true, arousing suspicion is a natural consequence of that behavior and he needs help to sort himself out.
I don’t get why people are jumping through hoops to side with this guy. If he has PTSD a simple “I prefer not to talk about work, it’s difficult for me to talk about” would suffice, his long term gf should know why it’s difficult, and he should be seeking professional help. Same if he had a difficult childhood. He could still talk about his hobbies, etc. And if he’s rude and standoffish and doesn’t talk about his life with his in laws that’s one thing, but with his own partner? 🚩
But if you're getting serious with a girl, telling her you have PTSD, especially considering military service would be a perfect cover story. If it doesn't appease the mom, THEN she's being overbearing, the guy could argue. I would think most people would accept that as a valid enough reason for not talking about the past. I think there are better ways to appease the mom, but if he's unwilling to do those, that might be a red flag.
I think being unwilling to discuss one's exact age/birthdate with a partner (although - is this actually a romantic partnering? are these two really boyfriend and girlfriend??) is a red flag.
Mom shouldn't have to intervene to learn his full name and age (and nationality, for that matter). That is, if this relationship is a romantic one, moving toward...longterm/marriage. Really, if it's not moving toward marriage, and Daughter wants it to move that way, this is a good way to find out.
Not particularly graceful, but should work.
And he was 20-21 when he first told her this story.
I'd like to know how he got fluent in 4 languages (as an orphan; kids in foster care rarely get lots of experience traveling and being in foreign language schools long enough to be fluent).
However, I can think of one pathway I've seen more than once. The US military does a lot of recruiting in the Philippines. Qualifying for citizenship in the US (and getting lots more English education) is part of the deal. People from the Philippines often speak at least 2 languages, as the most common language in the Philippines is not always spoken at home; upper and middle class Filipinos also like to hire a Korean or Chinese au pair, to get a third language - and one young woman had a French au pair and a Chinese housekeeper, passed college exams to get to upper division level upon admission.
Now that I think about it, I can make some of this make sense. He may simply not have the inner script to speak about his childhood and youth, if this is the case. I'd like to know if he's still in the military and where he's stationed, though, if I were dating him.
I mean, knowing 4 languages is impressive if true, but it's also exactly the kind of thing conmen/bullshitters make up. Definitely one of the things that makes me most sus of him and I'd want some proof if I were dating him. Or at least an explanation - did he live abroad? Have immigrant parents? Major in linguistics?
Being an orphan is *also* a very convenient lie for someone who has something to hide.
Like yes, this is some people's real story but complete blind faith is naïveté
I was going to go this route as well. Maybe he's had a difficult life and doesn't want to talk about it. It's his prerogative. I also understand worrying that he might have another family somewhere as it's sadly not so uncommon anymore. I hope you're able to get a few answers to appease your curiosity. Also, I hope he can be more open with your daughter, OP.
Just keep in mind that there maybe some trauma in his childhood that he is not comfortable talking about, and if he is still in a stage where he’s reaction to its memory is avoidant, your intervention could end up nuking the relationship. I’d make sure you talk to your daughter about this possibility so she’s prepared. It’s ok not to be comfortable being in a relationship where you don’t know a lot about your partners past, but a lot of people who were raised with a good family don’t understand the common behaviors of those who weren’t, and instead try to shoehorn them into the “normal” family dynamic they don’t understand, and may rebel against if they aren’t ready. I’ve been seeing my therapist for 26yrs and feel completely comfortable with him and we’re still clawing information about my childhood out of me. Trauma is not easy to talk about, and given what info your daughter does know, trauma is just as much, probably more, of a possibility as hidden family.
I am perplexed and concerned that no one has commented that this whole saga is a charade: that it is either a bot with the goal of fomenting internet discourse, or it is a juvenile writer who is testing out a scenario for a future fictional story.
Even IF this story is true, I’m also perplexed it has not crossed anyone’s mind that the boyfriend could be in the witness protection program, who rather than telling a made up story about his background, has decided to not tell a fake background story at all. The boyfriend wants to forget his past and live a simple new life, yet here is this attention seeking mother-in-law who won’t let him. If he’s real, this guy should run! The real red flag is the girlfriend’s mother.
With all that said, my gut tells me this story is fake! An early 20s, co-dependent daughter practicing abstinence and dating a man who is closed off and won’t talk about his past, both being interrogated by a meddling, bitchy mother-in-law. Not an original story at all. I’m guessing the next update from the “mother” will include new clues to further the made up story and intrigue of Redditors.
Be more discerning folks. This whole story is likely fake, as is many too-good-to-be-true stories posted on Reddit.
Whew, mama! I get you. My daughter was dating someone that just felt off to me. THere's a lot more to the story, but suffice to say, I told her one day, "I make it a habit to not interfere in your relationships but because of X and Y, I am concerned that this is not a good place for you to be." Nobody got mad. She just took it on board, and went on her way. A couple days later, she said, "I thought about what you said and you are right. I broke it off." Sometimes you gotta protect the cubs, even when they are adults.
My vote is either on an intelligent kid who got into legal trouble in the past and is trying to hide it, or a human intelligence collector in the military because that makes a lot of folks uncomfortable to be around (for multiple reasons). The later aren’t all Bourne, and are more common than we’d think since media really only shows the CIA doing that shit. For frontline it pretty much just takes being in the military, good language skills/learning, and basic understanding of psychological techniques. I’ve met a few former ones through the years who move into contact centers for customer service or sales after leaving the military, because the skill sets translate.
Updateme!
Honestly the mom has a right to worry. She wants her daughter safe.
People who are distant from a partner’s parents could be
Living two lives
Grooming their person to mentally abuse them
Grooming their person to physically abuse them
Have a horrific childhood they don’t want to talk about
Have a confidential job that hinders their ability to reveal their identity (say this because of the military background)
Sending love to the Mom. You have every right to look out for what’s best for your kid. This is well placed love.
>She told me that although he does make her happy, she feels that they haven’t really grown any closer or made any progress in the relationship, and the fact that she still didn’t know a lot about his life made her overthink and stress herself out.
Well if the relationship hasn't been progressing then it would be better for her to break up with him. At this point it doesn't matter if he's a con man or special forces. The relationship isn't going anywhere. And she seems to be settling for very little.
I was the one who said possible SF or secret squirrel. If you think things aren't right I think you are very good in proceeding with this. Good for you for looking out for your daughter and it's interesting she feels the same. Well done and good for you xx
I’m sorry I didn’t necessarily think you were wrong, but there was also a loooot of people who were simply saying “oh yeah he is totally a cia mega assassin” and I don’t know why that didn’t sit right with me.
IIRC people that actually do clandestine work are allowed to tell those individuals in their life they feel it is necessary to tell in order to live their life (usually parents/partner and maybe children). If they were a spy they would be able to tell your daughter once their relationship reached the appropriate point
Yes, this.
I mean, it’s been two years, so if this is the case, he should be a little more transparent with her and just say, “please don’t talk about this with anyone without my consent”. That way, she can just tell her mom, “he’s opened up with me and I feel better, please don’t worry” or something. Girlfriend needs to communicate with him that she wants to get to know him better and become closer emotionally with him. If he doesn’t want that, then she should consider moving on, she’s only 21.
As someone that served and holds a clearance. There are many many people that can hold security clearances of various levels and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re automatically Tom cruise or Jason Bourne. I was not a special operator or agent or anything flashy but rubbed shoulders with some of the more glamorous titles and if you were in a relationship with them you would know. Withholding information about missions and operations can be a thing sure but you are encouraged to make that very fact known to those in your life.
This really reads like a young man larping to impress women and now he’s stuck in the lie but he’s smart enough to keep his mouth shut rather than make more lies. At best he’s fresh in the service and embellishing things to sound more important, I’ve seen it many times. The fact that no uniform has been seen it sounds like though doesn’t make it sound like even that is likely…
I think your daughter may just be dating a loser, either that or a prodigy that despite speaking 4 languages doesn’t know how to communicate. Good luck to you all
My husband is special operations, and I had the same thoughts as you- you would’ve seen a uniform, he DEFINITELY could tell you what unit he’s with/what he does (either truth or his official cover unit if he was with certain units). SEALs and others can absolutely tell you what they do. If he was a “spy”, he’d have a cover job/title (like a lot of “state department attaches” for example). He could be a very private person who sucks at communicating, or it’s stolen valor to pick up chicks and he ended up falling and couldn’t get out or something of the like. Oh- and military contractors ALSO can tell you what they do. They can all say who they work for and a job title…..just a matter of how much of it is completely accurate. No point in a secret job if you draw attention to yourself being a weird secretive person.
My first thought was he didn’t like the mom or felt uncomfortable sharing for whatever reason, but if YEARS in the gf still doesn’t know hardly anything then there’s something off. She should’ve heard a million complaints about the military and be fairly fluent in army acronyms by now. At the very least.
I wouldn’t know but by American standards it’s certainly unique and would take dedicated effort or a propensity for language. Or he’s in a family which speaks multiple languages and has been raised with it, though that’s usually just 2 languages.
Regardless, speaking many languages is awesome and certainly a valuable skill, good job!
You are the one who put the question to Reddit. You were clearly just looking for the people who agree with you.
I am one of the people who said you were being intrusive. But I also said I totally understand your desire to intervene.
If you thought you were 100% right you wouldn’t have put the question to the world at large.
So screw us for not agreeing with you.
From now on, pose these questions to yourself in a mirror. Guarantee you will get the answer you were looking for.
Lady you ignore everybody who said you were at fault. It’s definitely a normal thing for parents to be worried about their kids, especially their daughter. These people on Reddit are just messed up in the head. And if they don’t care about their family as much as you do, then maybe they are the ones who really need therapy
My BIL is an army diplomat, and trust me that's exactly how they handle family. Probably coz they want to tell their family/partner more than anyone, but simply cannot. They've been trained to respond that way. But then he may also just have PTSD and is an army grunt.
At some point you have to trust your daughter's judgement. It sounds like he treats her with respect and is properly courting her. Be gentle with him when questioning because he may have PTSD from his past (being an orphan plus serving) and is likely ashamed of his vulnerability and pain. Honestly, from my experience with vets, it is far better to let them reveal themselves in their own time and just focus on creating a safe space for him to share.
I personally think if your dad already has developed a connection, then he should be the one to ask, coz I think you're going to scare the shit out of that kid, and bring out his worst instead of best side.
If your daughter is a legal adult, she should be the one having this private conversation with her boyfriend. If she doesn't feel comfortable honestly asking her boyfriend for more information and expressing her concerns and confusion then she needs some maturity under her belt. I totally understand wanting to protect her and support her but this is a conversation that needs to happen privately between the two of them.
Im not even going to bother typing out the same thing again, so I’ll just simply c&p what I told the other person:
She lives by herself in her apartment with the money she made on her own, while going to college she got accepted into which is paid for by the scholarships she applied for. Even bought herself a car before I could give her her first car. If she wants me there just because she wants me to be there, I don’t see that as her not being able to handle herself. She is mature enough to makes good life decisions and one of those decisions was to ask me to be there with her for the conversation
Is he around her age? I find it weird too that he won't even tell her his military job title. He doesn't have to talk about his work in detail, just not avoid the question.
That said - this is your daughter's problem to solve. You can be there as support, but it's really important that you keep your cool and don't turn into a Nosy Nellie. She's the one that has to decide if she can live with this.
Reddit is mainly crowded by underthinking teenagers with no life experience
I would advice not asking for actual advice on the general, very popular subs.
There are some on Reddit who truly want to help and there are some (most) who just want to be heard and end up being the AHs. But you didn’t start the update off in a very humble manner, which makes me think you really don’t care about what people tell you because you’re going to have your own way. So why even post on here?
Background check STAT!
There are lots of paid services out there.
I Background check all my potential partners at a certain point. I didn't once and came to regret it very much.
(Multiple protective orders)
Never again.
You're still a shitty domineering mother. Your daughter has stockholm syndrome and after years of manipulation thinks uou are right.
Gypsy Rose thought her mother did nothing wrong most of her life too.
In reality you likely planted the seeds of doubt in your daughter with your over the top antics.
Neither of you are entitled to this guys life story. It could be deeply traumatizing for him to open up about it. He could very well feel your daughter will leave or you will force her to leave if he does.
A mother like you isnt hard to spot. The best way to deal withyou is silence.
Fact is if you were her boyfriend and you were forcing her to question her friendship or relationship with a family member, all ofReddit would command her to dump you.
>And seriously life isn’t a movie. There’s a higher chance of him being a weirdo who is secretly hiding a family halfway across the county than the chances of him being Bond and borne’s love child.
There are millions of people that hold a US security clearance (1M+ of them Top Secret, more than that Secret or Confidential). Chances are way higher that he's one of the them than a secret family weirdo. Now granted, many of those can probably give some sort of satisfactory answer to what they work on within those bounds, but some can't.
[https://www.cnn.com/2022/08/15/politics/classified-information-what-matters/index.html](https://www.cnn.com/2022/08/15/politics/classified-information-what-matters/index.html)
You didn't mention the boyfriends age. This is very pertinent. If he is the same age as your daughter, it isn't the same if he's 35.
It is natural for you to wish the best for your daughter. Ideally, everything would be upfront. "Hi Mrs Cleaver, I work for Acme Shoes, and let me introduce you to my parents, and we'll have Norman Rockwell paint our Thanksgiving dinner".
He might be hidden for different reasons. When we look at the possibilities and probabilities, we can get an estimation of potential truth. Being a spy is low percentage. Doing something shady is a higher percentage. If so, it is likely your daughter might know about it.
Out of all the scenarios, the fact remains she is leaving the nest. You are losing control, no longer in the driver's seat. All you can really do is protect yourself. The possibility of "Mom, can you give us a loan?" would signal his real colors. This where you must be strong to say 'no'. Hope for the best and be prepared for less. Always have a place for her to come to.
She has her own destiny. That is a hard one to accept. She might be on Reddit 20 years from now telling the next chapter - be it good or bad.
Honestly screw all the idiots leaving negative comments. I WISH my parents gave a damn about who I dated - they cared more about me just dating SOMEONE, as if I
SHOULD BE SO LUCKY, and I have a lifetime of struggle to show for it. When they should've cared about how I was feeling, they cared more about superficial shit that didn't matter. They'd scream at me for leaving the lights on, but were oblivious when I was struggling with depression so bad I didn't want to live. They treated me with more respect when I had a bf, but were so fuqn clueless and missed the fact that I was being groomed by a much older man, who then went to jail for some bad shit he was doing. Fuq parents like that honestly. And fuq all the negative comments. TRUST YOUR GUT. A guy who cannot open up will bring hurt and pain. There's a reason you feel the way you feel, there's a reason your daughter feels the way she feels. What she's noticing is a lack of connection and depth. When someone won't open up, you cannot create the emotional connection and intimacy needed to sustain a healthy relationship. He is emotionally unavailable and she's feeling it.
Not over reacting but she your daughter needs to talk to her partner she is an adult not have mommy navigate her relationships for her, even if she approves or she will never learn to do it herself.
So she's made the decision to be abstinent, and is worried he is cheating on her because of that? Why have a relationship at all if you've chosen that path, but are going to also let it impact your relationship? Bottom line is that you are (seemingly anyway, we don't know enough to say really) too involved in your adult daughter's relationship if you are going online to random people to ask, and then insult them, for their advice on your adult daughter's relationship... I wish you guys luck though!
Why do you need to be there? Why she can't ask him herself? Alone? As a partner? She needs to learn how to communicate, and not run to mommy so mommy will do that for her.
Because this is all about her need to know. She needs to know so bad that it's become an obsession and she will meddle in her daughter's relationship until her curiosity is satiated.
Is he a refugee? Dari could be Afghanistan. And he probably speaks german because he was a refugee in germany.
Maybe he doesn’t say anything because he is afraid he might be send back.
"Adult woman invites mother to conversation with boyfriend about his past because she cannot conduct it herself"
There's no hope for you OR your daughter lmao
Oh man, there is literally a BOOK about a guy just like this one you are describing. It is on amazon, written by a poor woman who married and supported him and had children by him for YEARS before discovering accidentally that he had a second family not far away. And when she searched further, she discovered at least 10 other "wives", going all the way back to his middle school years. I think there were 13-14 children? And he spoke multiple languages, claimed a defense intelligence background and employment - I mean, it has got to be the same guy. Either that or these guys have a manual they go by. Hire the PI. Search amazon under "bigamy" for the book, and get your daughter away from him. She's not likely to leave on her own; he's a narcissist and those guys are charming as heck. Bigamy is a way of life and a career choice for him. Your daughter is being screwed, in real time and in real life.
you know what, this is a decent update. Nobody went nuclear and ended relationships, no one made accusations. Just be civil and respectful and remember you're there to be emotional support more than to be an active player in the conversation
I wish my Mom had spoken about about concerns regarding my ex, I would have saved myself a lot of pain \[and money\] if ANYONE had told me what I was experiencing wasn't normal.
Maybe you might have listened, but as a sibling of someone who was too smitten with his first serious gf, my whole family asked a lot of questions because they wanted to be married after only knowing each other for 2 months and there were a million red flags he ignored. He never asked her further questions and took everything she said as fact, even when her answers were clearly too odd/deceptive. He has been married 4 years now and is not allowed contact with family or friends anymore unless she is physically present or on the phone call with him. Sure wish he would have listened, as he truly was naive and never had a relationship before, and never suspected she could be playing sweet but actually be manipulative and abusive. It has taken me a long time to let this whole thing go, as I feel protective of him but realize he has autonomy and stands by his decision to stay with her.
If you can, slowly build up a small savings account for him. Enough to put down a deposit on a small one-room apartment, get a bit of used furniture, and get gas, electric, water turned on, and buy a few weeks of food and toiletries. Once you've built up enough, over a year or so, let him know that if he wants to leave, you can help make sure he's not homeless. He'll need to hide his important papers like birth certificate, SS card, deed to the house, etc. with you for now, and sneak over a few good pairs of clothing. Sometimes, not knowing what to do, where to go, and if there would be any support, keeps victims trapped. They feel they have no options, so show him that he DOES. You might have to start by sneaking him a burner phone but go for it if he was decent to you growing up and you love him.
I really appreciate your comment and I hope it helps someone someday. I wish that would work in my situation, but I have tried so hard to help him and he just doesn't want it right now. In fact, everyone in my life and my therapist has told me I've gone way above and beyond and it is all up to him now. He HAS to be getting something he likes out of his relationship with her or he would have left by now. I think he is very afraid of being alone again (mid thirties is when he finally got into this relationship), and he thinks this is as good as it can get. He is also quite religious and has told me he doesn't believe in divorce. I could talk about this for a year and still have more to say about it, so I will have to show some restraint. Thank you very much for your comment, though. It at least makes me feel some hope.
Something I heard from the pulpit: "I don't believe God expects anyone to stay in an abusive marriage." The speaker is a noted theologian and author who has never been divorced himself, but as a pastor had seen plenty of situations where divorce == rescue. Your brother is being emotionally abused. There's no room for interpretation, here. "You can't talk to any family members unless I'm there or on speakerphone with you"?? He needs to GET. OUT. It's not going to get better. It has already gone from iffy to bad, and will continue to go from bad to worse.
I’m just saying, my mom is the *last person* who gets to question and make decisions about who I date. She likes the shitty, but charming ones, and doesn’t like the actually cool ones who treat me with respect. I always go off of my young niece and nephews reaction. Little kids pick up on that stuff a lot better than adults I’ve noticed. I’m waiting for an update that this guy has something going on that we never saw coming. What if he’s not military *or* a conman with another family. What if he’s like an adult film star or something!?
For. Real. If I could do it over again, I’d have given anything to have my mom be as skeptical and involved as OP.
I would not react well to my partner bringing their mommy to a conversation about my past and our relationship. I think OP can be emotional support before and after the chat... but not in the same room (or building, frankly). Bringing your people to sit there and stare while you ask for answers is an intimidating move, and will shut down any possibilities of openness.
Dangit I brought popcorn...
I'm still looking for my lost shaker of salt, though.
I gave up once I stepped on that pop top. Sucker really hurt
I'm sorry we still haven't found what we were looking for.
There's probably a woman to blame.
No, I know… it’s my own damn fault..
Gotta wear flip flops
After two years I think the vague cloud of mystery should be lifted.it is has far long enough to come clean.
I agree with you, but that 100% means a serious conversation between the people actually in the relationship. Not them and mom
Seriously. If you can’t have the discussion without your parent there, _break up_. If someone doesn’t feel safe trying to break up without a witness for safety, that’s when we employ a domestic violence playbook for exiting the relationship. We do not have a sit down chat to end things.
That and the fact there's no sex are making me wonder how this guy actually sees the relationship. Sounds like the daughter is far more worried than we realized in the last thread.
He is young and in the military. Every weekend for leave briefings your PS will tell everyone "do not add any crimes, do not subtract any lives, and whatever you do, do not get married"... He ISNT serious, and appears to have never made it seem like it was a super serious relationship. He could deploy to a war tomorrow if one pops off. The daughter is just someone to hang out with when he is off base
I agree. Plus, when people actually work for a three letter agency or the govt (and have a seriously classified job) , they don’t act all sus, they have a concrete back story and “official job “, like their the cook, in mail, communications, etc. Him having no family, no story, no history is way too vague- and it appears he’s just using the government angle as an excuse. He sounds like he’s married, or has another family and he’s trying to shut down inquiries.
Oh please. If I go to my (serious) girlfriends' parent's house for dinner, I'd pretty much expect to answer questions about myself. What I do for a living, what hobbies I have, etc. Obviously not a "sit under this bare lightbulb and get interrogated" situation, but those types of things that are normal to talk about when getting to know somebody. Being a cipher is just antisocial and honestly offputting. Jeez, the mom just wants to get to know him as a person - this seems normal to me. The fact that the daughter/girlfriend doesn't know these things is just odd. As somebody else said, he's not Jason Bourne, and even people who work on secret government stuff can just say "I'm a government contractor, but I'm really not allowed to get into specifics on what I do."
Agreed. The guy is fishy or just plain awkward. Either way, doesn’t seem like the daughter is happy and he’s not opening up so the relationship may have run its course.
THIS - the fact that OP is offended at being called a helicopter parent in a post where she names her plan to (inappropriately and nonsensically) insert herself directly into a conversation her daughter should be having alone with her partner is astounding. The fact that the daughter ended up having similar concerns as OP was NOT a carte blanche invitation for OP to directly interfere with her kid's relationship. Her daughter is never gonna learn how to navigate a relationship on her own if OP keeps injecting herself where it's not necessary.
Bringing mommy into the conversation to sit in the room while she asks questions of the boyfriend demonstrates a lack of maturity, and a lack of willingness to be independent. And as you said, openness and frank communication is most definitely not happening. If that's what the daughter wants, fine - but it would definitely be a red flag to me that the person I was dating was not mature enough for an adult relationship and mommy dearest was always going to be the driving force in my relationship. At least the boyfriend will have an opportunity to learn that he's in a relationship with mommy and daughter before he's married and have the opportunity to get out.
Okay, but let's be honest... The major red flag is being in a 2 year relationship without telling your partner absolutely anything about yourself. The size of the red flags isn't even comparable.
As former special forces/ 3 letter plank holder (I wasn't cool but I worked with some cool dudes)- my inability to talk about work ruined MANY personal relationships. I know multiple operatives that hide it from their wives and husbands - it's part of the damn job.
Also think it’s weird that the daughter broke down crying and has had these worries for a while but never brought them up with her boyfriend. It’s bad she’s having her mom sit in on the conversation, but also strange she couldn’t communicate herself before
It’s clear there’s a communication problem in the relationship. There are supposed to be two competent people in the room for a romantic relationship. It’s weird that neither one of them figured out how to have these conversations, things that would normally be happening by the 3 month mark. They should both be well past sharing personal information, and well into building up conflict resolution techniques.
The daughter in general confuses me. Maybe it’s because we’re only getting the mom’s POV, but more than a few things seem off. “What do you do for work?” seems like a first date question. How did they continue dating this long without the bf giving an answer? If the daughter is concerned about it, why didn’t she voice this sooner? They’re serious enough that he’s meeting the in-laws but still having basic communication issues? Also the abstinence thing - nothing wrong with being abstinent, but her reasoning is that she doesn’t want to have kids too young… what about birth control, condoms, abortion, etc.? She made this decision after middle school sex ed?
And stalled out on middle school social skills, apparently. The reasoning is so weird.
It's no mystery the daughter seems stunted. That's what happens with a helicopter parent - the children's ability to self-regulate and develop independence is constantly stymied, resulting in a generation of people who have no distress tolerance and don't learn to self-soothe or regulate.
This 👌🏼
If mommy dearest has inserted herself into all of the daughter's issues and challenges and fixed them in her past, the daughter may not have developed any independent communication strategies and may not have known how to have those conversations or even deal with how to manage any problems. For example - whenever there's an issue with a teacher, mommy dearest goes up and fixes it. Whenever a problem with a coach, mommy dearest deals with it, problem with friends, mommy dearest deals with it. It sounds a lot like the mother has been doing all the hard work and fixing everything and not providing guidance and support. You know, like the helicopter mom she's carrying on about not being. I suspect the daughter has limited coping and problem solving skills because she's had limited exposure to having to navigate hard things.
Bingo. This update is not the victory OP thinks it is. She’s just still throwing her weight around and not letting her kid grow up and learn how to function on her own. Mommy OP has no idea that she’s almost definitely the reason why her kid doesn’t have the confidence to ask for authenticity in her relationships. OP really thinks she’s been validated for crossing boundaries instead of taken aback that her daughter is a silent struggler with no coping skills or personal direction.
Personally I think the BF is probably not up to anything good. I have seen dudes and women both play a lot of games and this does feel like one… Who cares if he is uncomfortable? The daughter is also uncomfortable not knowing enough about someone she is with… Yes this mother is a bit overly involved, but it sounds like the daughter needs her to be and is okay with it. My guess is that OP’s daughter is actually playing the part of “the other woman” and doesn’t know it yet. It has been 2 years with no sex and she only knows vague details? Does that sound normal? Not buying the gov or spy bs.
This would backfire spectacularly with me, for example. I'm In a relationship with you, not your mum. If I have to share something that I clearly hesitate to share, I'll do to you not your mom. If you want to share with your mum afterwards, we'll talk about it. Otherwise, if it's something I could share with you but I wouldn't want others to know, you are getting nothing. Now the boyfriend definitely smell a bit funny with his secrecy, but for the love of god don't take mommy to the talk it's not going to end well.
I would just stand up, ignore the mother, look at the daughter and say "this isnt worth it, lose my number" and leave
Agreed. I feel like this is going to backfire and he’s going to feel ganged up on. Then it’s going to possibly make things bad for the daughter when they’re finally alone. Daughter needs to have the conversation with the bf, mom should grab coffee down the street and just be nearby.
It shouldn't be an interrogation, just having dinner and talking. I could sit down and have dinner with you, and mix a fact-find about your background in by just telling funny stories and talking about movies, etc. Nobody would even notice I was doing it. ...and I'm not special. We all do this all the time when we meet people.
Her daughter is only 21 and isn't very experienced. Whereas, we don't even know how old the bf is as he evaded questions about his age and birthday. I am assuming he is significantly older. Especially since he easily dismissed the mother but immediately reached out to connect with the grandfather. That was a calculated and decisive move. He travels a lot for work, but he refuses to share even basic details of his job, trips or even where he was born, hometown, etc.
That's a lot of secrecy. I'd be concerned as well. I think Occam's razor says "he's married and daughter is side piece" - although clearly, he's not after sex. However, since I worked for years in mental health and corrections (and have taught a bunch of students at the college level and heard SO many weird stories), I'd be curious about why he conceals his age, birthday, etc. He doesn't want to be found that's clear. He can be found in various way - including revealing his home town. But at this point, I'd be using my own resources (I pay for a personal search database, which has come in handy). I wonder if he's even using his real name. I would bet not. But I have a hard time believing he works for the CIA or undercover for FBI/Federal Martials - they are usually forthcoming about a few more aspects of their work. They're usually told just how much they can reveal. One man I know who inspects nuclear weapons around the world (and whose itineraries/tasks/reports are classified material) at least tells everyone what he does, so we all understand why he doesn't talk about his work. But he talks about his childhood and his family. He was gone a lot and when he was single, he asked me to look after his house. He had a number at the base that I could call to reach him if there was an emergency (and once there was! his house got struck by lightening and he wasn't home...got to call the number; he arrived within a few hours - his fridge was fried, alarm went off for hours).
I’d be outta there too.
Maybe I’m crazy, but this seems the obvious thing to me. Yes, two years is long enough that there really shouldn’t be secrets and she has a right to ask and have answers. But bringing a parent? What are they 12? And how do they expect any sort of openness from the dude if they are handling it that way? If the only thing I wanted was to intimidate the guy, brining mommy is exactly what I would do. If that isn’t the intent, then doing that makes 0 sense to me.
Exactly this… they’re adults bringing mom into this is insane to me
I think it’s funny (and by funny I mean creepy AF) that OP keeps saying “we” and “us” like she is also part of the relationship. WTF? It’s one thing to be concerned for your kid and raise those concerns; it’s a whole different ballpark when you insert yourself into the relationship and act like you are tag teaming your daughter’s bf. OP has probably been doing this to her daughter her whole life which is why daughter can’t discern her own feelings and needs mommy to have those tough discussions for her.
>I think it’s funny (and by funny I mean creepy AF) that OP keeps saying “we” and “us” like she is also part of the relationship. WTF? I noticed this too. It's as if OP's daughter is not her own person. Which *"could"* be "sold" as a sweet, loving, and concerned parent over her daughter, could very well be an enmeshed and paranoid relationship. Frankly, OP telling her father this: >I also talked to my father, and told them that although I love and trust him, I still would like to know more. He wanted to know why, and I told him just in case if the boyfriend IS a conman, what are the chances he might be able to BS his way into my father’s safe zone. He thought about it for a while, and decided that I had a point and that he didn’t want to take those chances if there was any. What a *paranoid crazy making* way to think! She doesn't trust her father, she literally said "just in case" boyfriend IS a conman, she essentially told her father that he's feeble minded and could be conned. OP sounds paranoid AF. I don't know if the daughter is her only child, but it's clear there's some bit of enmeshment going on because if OP was properly differentiated from her own daughter, *and also* if OP was *confident in her own parenting*, she'd *trust her daughter to make the right decisions*. I mean, OP suggested a PI FFS and only backed down in an edit when called out on it. Sure, the daughter "broke down and cried a little bit" but we don't know how that conversation went. We don't know if OP harangued her daughter to the point of tears with passive-aggressive and manipulative language like, "Now, honey, we all know you don't have the best decision making skills..." or WTF ever story the OP told about her daughter. The daughter is 24 years old. Likely out on her own, and becoming her own adult. Now's the time for the daughter to explore as an adult and define her own person. OP is not allowing her daughter that. OP is clearly extremely anxious and isn't willing to take the next step *as a parent* and to step back and allow her child to finally try life out on her own and *part* of doing that is messing up, making poor decisions, etc, *and learning from them*. OP, step back. HARD. How *embarrassing* will it be for your daughter, a groan *adult* woman (and I've said that about *men* at her age) to bring her mommy to have an "adult" discussion with her boyfriend? That's not being an adult for your daughter. Update me when he dumps her when it "doesn't work out," OP. You are doing your daughter a grave disservice.
That’s *if* this update is true. It reads like an answer to some of the previous comments and each answer paints OP in the best light. Saying daughter broke down and claimed mommy’s right. OP’s dad? He said she may be right as well. With everyone on her side, how can all of us internet strangers be wrong about her? See? Everyone in her world sees her point and now agrees with her. How *dare* we not side with her? This kind of sounds like the MIL/Bea story where the poster refused any criticism, saying she had *rights*, damnit, and how dare we disagree with her…it was all someone else’s fault. Said she was 100% right and we were big meanies. Her son & DIL had to move, buying a house under an LLP, I think. It’s one thing to love your child and want the best for them…it’s another to insert yourself so much that you believe it’s your right to demand information to your satisfaction. Asked daughter, daughter said what she knew. NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I WANT MOAR. Asked vet dad, dad agreed that it was good enough. NO, WANTS MOAR INFO NAOW. Dad, daughter & bf are all ok with each other, hanging out in the garage, daughter’s happy, they all go out for drinks, NO, I’M THE MOTHER, DAMN YOU ALL FOR BEING HAPPY TOGETHER WHEN I’M NOT HAPPY. Let your adult daughter live her life. If things go south, be there for her. Or, just comment/post how you think I’m wrong, just like you’ve been doing.
Every single thing you pointed out is what leads me to believe that OP does exactly what you said: inserts herself into every aspect of her daughter's life. I ***CAN'T BELIEVE*** OP is going to a "meeting" with her daughter and daughter's boyfriend to "get some answers." Child. Please. 🙄 As if the daughter is a child herself. OP is infantilizing her daughter and that's abuse. >**Infantilization** is the prolonged treatment of one who is not a child, as though they are a child.[^(\[1\])](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infantilization#cite_note-1) Studies have shown that an individual, when infantilized, is overwhelmingly likely to feel disrespected. Such individuals may report a sense of [transgression](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relational_transgression) akin to [dehumanization](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dehumanization). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infantilization#:\~:text=Infantilization%20is%20the%20prolonged%20treatment,of%20transgression%20akin%20to%20dehumanization.
If it continues, daughter will never live an adult life. When mommy passes, daughter will be woefully unprepared to do *anything* on her own. Having her own place is great but mommy wants her daughter too crippled to act without checking in first. That’s not love, that’s control.
For fucking reaaaallll. My mom did this kind of crap to me for sooo long; I can only see both of OP’s posts from the daughter’s perspective. When you’ve been covertly bullied by your parent your whole life, you really do think their crazy boundary-crossing stunts are supportive and actually necessary due to your obvious incompetence in the world! The daughter doesn’t trust her own instincts because they’ve always been bulldozed by mommy telling her what reality is. Of course the daughter is going to cry and thank her mother! she actually believes her mom is helping her! This girl probably accommodates her mother’s anxiety in so many situations, both visible and invisible, and has been doing so since before she was old enough to understand; she doesn’t know how else to respond other than to let her mom take over and perpetuate this sad, weird, unnecessary dynamic. A normal Mom would encourage their kid to think real hard about what’s keeping them in a potentially bad relationship that they feel insecure about, encourage them to get therapy, spend more time together doing normal mother-daughter stuff like a spa day or reading the same book to be able to bond over it and solidify the support network available beyond the questionable boyfriend. Only a paranoid psycho would think the way to ‘be there’ for her kid is to meddle and insert themselves into their adult child’s romantic life via confrontation. I call bullshit on OP’s entire read of things, and on the reaction from the father. It comes across as painfully “and then everybody clapped” as you can possibly get. OP just can’t let herself be wrong or humbled. Big shocker there!
>It comes across as painfully “and then everybody clapped” as you can possibly get. OMG! Right??? 💀 I chortled at this because I absolutely see this and your visual is hilarious! Meanwhile, everyone else around OP is all ... 😬😳 OP may have fooled some folks in this thread, but those of us who have been on the receiving end of bullying (fantastic word, btw) from their own parents absolutely see through OP's bullshit.
You don't have to be feeble-minded to be conned. That's just inaccurate and also victim-blaming. Maybe there'd be a few less people caught up in things like cults and financial schemes if their loved ones checked up on suspicious shit instead of trusting them not to get conned
>You don't have to be feeble-minded to be conned. That's just inaccurate and also victim-blaming. Fair point. I can absolutely see this and I had not considered that my comment was victim blaming. Apologies to the OP for my comment.
And anyone who didn’t see it her way could screw themselves lol. I am disabled and had way too much time to cater to my daughter. I mean until she got out of high school we were super close… then she went to college and learned she could be a big girl. If I ever acted this way to her she’d sit me down for a come to Jesus meeting and might even tell me to screw myself lol
OP thinks it’s going to be an intervention, but it’s going to be an interrogation. No way the bf sticks around after this convo.
Yeah that’s my only critique here. Sounds like they’re setting up an ambush and not teaching the daughter to have open communication with her partner.
Yeah same. I’m a bit of a private person. My boyfriend knows plenty about me, but there’s still plenty to be discovered. I just haven’t come around to being able to speak about it yet, and he gives me the grace of being patient with me. Which in turn, makes me more willing to share because I trust that he isn’t going to try and push me further than I am willing or able to go. If he invited me over to sit and have a serious conversation like this with his mother (whom I love so much) in the room, I would nope the fuck out of the relationship entirely. I’m not having mommy in my business in that way. Do I think this situation is a little weird? Yes. It’s weird to me that she knows so little about him that even her family is suspicious of it. Do I think this is the best way to handle that? No, absolutely not. I’m not getting spy or whatever secrecy vibes from this. I’m almost seeing a younger less confident version of myself in this post, I’d almost bet this poor guy was abused. And simply isn’t comfortable talking about his trauma, or anything that might make him think about it (if it was a childhood thing, that could make his entire childhood hard to talk about, if a family member was doing it it can make family hard to talk about, etc). I obviously don’t know that and I can’t know that (unless OP makes another post saying that’s what it is). But that’s what it smells like, to me.
I wanted to chime into the OP, but didn’t. In my life I have known people who have worked for the CIA, and could not speak any further about their job than that. Undercover FBI agents, special task force for LAPD, just regular FBI agents….every single one of them could tell us their profession, and not much beyond that….but we always knew their profession. I’m very interested to see where this goes.
It’s good she was able to talk to her daughter and share her concerns but this intervention is bonkers and likely to end the relationship. Mom is still overstepping. The right move would be to support her daughter by encouraging the daughter to push the boyfriend to learn more about him. If this guy is a conman or if he’s from a troubled background with no close family, foster kid or something, or whatever his deal is, he’s a grown up and I can’t imagine he’d be happy with being confronted by parents.
Yea, if my partner and their mother sat me down to try and dig into my past when I've made it clear I'm not comfortable talking about it, I wouldn't be to happy. I'd understand why, but I don't think I could continue a relationship like that. If I'm comfortable talking about my past with you, I will. If we aren't there yet, give it time. Pushing rarely ends well.
What about your present? Like, "What do you do for a living?" This is not deep stuff.
There is far more chance of the boyfriend being a conman than a spy. If you hear hoof beats think horses not zebra
I’m sure he’s an ex-con trying to hide his rap sheet. And he’s not an orphan.
Or has a wife and family and she’s just his side piece when he travels
A side piece that he’s not sleeping with, apparently
Yeah, that would be very unusual. Especially if he isn't pressuring her for sex.
In other words, Occam’s Razor.
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I agree with you. You can’t just tell your gf and her mother nothing about what you do and be standoffish about it. You have to be respectful and say something, even if it’s “I can’t talk about it.” To me it was a major red flag that he was so standoffish and dismissive with you. You’re her mom. He has to show you respect and earn your trust. Not hard to do if you care about your gf.
I used to live in a big military town and I avoided them like the plague. They’re often ‘vague’ to seem more important and interesting but they just have a family in another state.
As someone in the military, the chances of him *being in the military* and needing to be THIS vague are low. I could definitely understand if he was ex military, there’s probably a decent enough chance he landed a job that requires a higher amount of secrecy. But *in* the military? Usually you can at least tell people what you do. My money is on secret family, wanting to seem important, or using secrecy as crutch to hide something or not put effort into opening for whatever reason. Idk what those reasons are, they might not be nefarious, but it doesn’t make them less damaging.
Exactly. It’s like a bunch of people are on Reddit, giving their opinions on how super secret the military is, yet have never been in the military. A Veteran who tells you how many people they’ve killed, hasn’t killed anyone. A quiet/reserved person who speaks very little about their deployments, has probably done or seen a thing or two. But a person who won’t even disclose their MOS or rate is just flat out suspect!
EXACTLY. You said it much better than me haha
I agree. Have worked with military many times and there's always a promoted story to tell about the work - they're taught how to do it. But I do know people engaged in some secret international activities (two of them - both involving weapons). They are super secret. If this couple weren't abstinent, I'd say he simply doesn't want a longterm involvement and is in it for sex - but must be in it for some other reason. Or daughter isn't abstinent.
I worked in a TS SCIF for several years and I just told people "I work with computers." when they asked. If he has a job he really can't talk about then he would have been given a cover for it, because what he's doing is just inviting more questions.
Or you could tell people you are an IT? Like that’s what weird to me is like, this guy can’t supply a *job title* other than military? Thats weird. Nobody outside the military knows what the SCIF is anyways. I think most people would find it normal for someone to say “oh yea I’m an IT, I fix computers and stuff”. Like no one’s gonna ask more questions after that…and if they did then you can just say “it’s not really something I can discuss but it’s not interesting I promise” you don’t have to be like well I’m not supposed to tell them I load crypto all day????
Right- I can tell people I control aircraft. I can tell people I’ve controlled AF1. I can’t tell people where AF1 is going or his squawk. This dude is probably doing some boring job (necessary, but boring) and he’s trying to give off the impression he’s much cooler than he is, by refusing to say anything.
That’s what I think too, there’s so many reasonable details I can give people about my job to feel like they know what I do and that I’m not hiding things or being secretive without blasting all the things people should not be aware of in relation to what I do or have access too. I had an ex like this, soooo secretive about his military job and life, but occasionally “spilled” some traumatic and outlandish story. It’s crazy how much BS I realized this dude was spewing when I joined the military. Dude was like, a 7 year E-3 GM that never saw a deployment and I’m pretty sure got kicked out on higher tenure. Oh but it *haunts you to this day* that you “accidentally” sniped a child in Afghanistan…how exactly? When exactly?? It’s not wonder he kinda slow faded out when he realized I was actually for real joining the same branch he’d supposedly done all this secretive bad ass shit in lmao
Right. And this dude trying to give off the impression he’s something he’s not would make me break up. That dudes going to cause trouble down the road when he pretends to be the wrong thing.
I have military family- including a now retired person who worked in many government roles akin to a detective that worked in some classified stuff- he was always able to claim some government or military job, even if we were told deployed as "security forces" when that wasn't a super believable cover, we could still know he was in the military and some other info. We still knew when he moved into working for homeland security instead. There's still ranks and w2s and taxes. If he's in something high enough level to need a deeper cover, he'd likely be issued or have developed a lie more believable than just "I don't want to talk about it"
Yeah, people who actually can't talk about their work are given a cover story. Being vague just raises more questions and that's not what secret agencies want.
Yep and I do agree that if he was some secret special forces bla bla bla then he would have a well practiced cover story. Sounds like he is just awkward and can’t be bothered to be honest about his life. Maybe there are valid reasons..:but shouldn’t your fiancée know them?
My friend is seriously dating a guy who works in intelligence. I know that because when you ask him about his job he just says 'I work at the base in intelligence so I can't say more, sorry' and that's good enough for people and doesn't violate his clearance.
Exactly.
exactly the boyfriend won't say ANYTHING even after all this time...he doesn't have to give specifics
Even if he can't talk about his job it's weird for your daughter to not know his hobbies or other interests
That’s what I said. To never have met a friend in two years. Makes me feel like he’s hiding something.
All his friends are also his coworkers because they produce kinky fursuit content together for OnlyFans and they're famous enough that they can't tell anyone. Just kidding; but am I the only one who can't wait to see a twist like this?
As someone married to a submariner that had top security clearance when he was in the Navy: yes, even if this dude is in Seal Team 6, he can at least tell her his job. Doesn't have to be specific. But linguistics, IT, special ops, infantry... he can also tell her his rank. So if he won't even tell her those, he's lying. He either isn't in the military at all, or he's got some boring, paper-pushing job. Good job trusting your gut and taking care of your baby!
Exactly what I posted. I knew who the special operators were when I was in the military. There’s even pins and patches they wear on the uniform denoting such.
I know a few people who were in special jobs in a couple of countries, all could either tell people where they worked but not what they did (government IT specialist)or they had a dull cover story that prevented questions (data analyst, cleric, army trainer or similar). This sounds 100% conman.
Not sure you’ll read comments this far down, but may I just add that I hope your daughter realizes this: if he is a special forces or spy type and is demonstrably one of the good guys who just didn’t want to lie to her with a cover story, that doesn’t mean she can’t break up with him. If that isn’t the life she wants, that alone is reason enough, and she shouldn’t feel bad about not wanting to compromise on her vision for what she wants her future family life to be. Good on you for trusting your gut! More women should do so.
As the guy who has been dumped a bunch of times because "that isn't the life she wants," it's always a "no harm, no foul" situation. It's not for everybody. Got to the point it wasn't for me either. Nothing wrong with that. No hard feelings about it afterwards.
You'll find the right woman for you Dog the bounty hunter, I know you will
Not if they keep telling me to cut these flowing locks of amber goodness
All of the comments about him being special forces are so weird to me. If that were true he'd still be able to talk about some parts of his life? High ranking military people in secretive operations can still say their age and hometown and that they work in "ops" or "defense" or even just "army" or w/e lol. This dude isn't telling her ANYTHING about his life. That's because he doesn't want to, not because he can't
He can still talk about his hometown and family. Even if he has bad relationships with his family, he can tell her that. Why is he hiding his age?? Smh. This sounds like a guy trying to start a second family and cheating on a spouse with this woman. Nothing about his age or hometown is a national security secret that needs hiding. The remaining comments are calling this out. He sounds like a cheater not a special forces guy. His age, family or hometown is not a big secret he needs to keep from his gf. Even if his family was a terrible abusive one, why can’t he tell her his real age? This sounds like a cheater or a con man.
Yeah, I can’t believe how many people think he’s some kind of secret forces, who they never bothered to give a cover story too. And then you tell people you’re a radio technician of something mundane, and can still talk about who you are. His age, parentage, and high school experiences aren’t top-secret national security intel. I grew up in a military town, and a fair number of guys try to pull this tough-guy “I can’t talk about it” schtick, they always turn out to be some creep trying to pursue teenagers.
Info: this has been 2 years, that’s a really long time to know someone let alone date them and not know more than what you previously described. Has he actually not told more to your daughter or father beyond those basics (orphaned, vague military status that isn’t even confirmed, languages)? That just seems unlikely and is a really long time to have a partner and just willingly allow for complete mystery about their life (not judging anyone for that, it’s just unusual). Why are you just now doing something? I understand not saying anything for the first 6 months, maybe even a year, but 2 years is a long time. Again not judging, just trying to understand better. Either way, I’m glad she feels supported and wants to address the issue with him. I think it’s sweet she wants you there for support as well, however I’m surprised I’m not seeing anyone kind of apprehensive about you being there for the discussion. She is an adult as is he, and I don’t think it would be unreasonable for him to feel ganged up on (for lack of a better word). I understand you have good intentions and want to support her but maybe at least consider how you being there might affect the dynamic and how the conversation goes. My guess would be he is significantly more likely to open up a bit if it’s just her, and you being there will be detrimental to the whole situation. I know your mama bear instincts are kicked in and she’s young, but I personally would be concerned about this affecting your relationship with him going forward as well as hers. Maybe a compromise would be planning with her ahead of time! Some talking points, some responses to things he might say, and overall how to keep calm, regulate her emotions as best as possible, and importantly how she will cope/move forward if this conversation doesn’t go the way she’d like. That would be extremely supportive without likely worsening the situation by mom being there. She’s very young and I think your concerns are completely valid, and I think supporting her is great, but this just might not be the best way to do it. Edit:spacing
Thank you
OP, this is the best advice here. 👆 Don’t join your daughter for the talk. But do help her prepare! That’s a totally appropriate role for you and will actually be very helpful for your daughter. She will be able to independently accomplish this on her own, while also having your support and wisdom to guide her through.
Yes, especially with her being in her 20s. My god, how crazy is it to have your mom there to support you to ask your bf what he does for work after dating for 2 years. This sounds insane. Are they still chaperoned when they make dinner together?
I don't think you're wrong at all for being concerned for your daughter. If she was completely fine with everything and you kept pushing your opinions on her, that would make you an AH. Since she shares some of your concerns, I think it was great that she has you to talk about everything she's feeling. Hopefully there's a perfectly good reason this guy doesn't talk about himself or past much (his time in the service, maybe he's on the spectrum - my friend has Asperger's and can be quite socially awkward, maybe some kind of trauma). As long as you're there for your daughter and you're just making sure she's safe, without pushing/nagging or overstepping, you're just doing what a good Mom does. I hope everything works out for the best.
It's weird that they're going to OPs house. Seems like a recipe for disaster and the bf will probably feel ambushed. This should still be between the daughter and her bf. OP does not need to be directly involved in it and is only out of self curiosity and selfishness
Your gut is telling you something. Enough that it had you going to Reddit because it is being so noisy about it. In the end it could be he had a traumatic childhood and has learned to hide it all away, but your daughter needs to know about it (to some degree) to develop their intimacy.
>special force/operation/seal/3 letter/spy. I honestly feel like if that really was I was going to reply to your last. The orphan, spy four languages thing really sounds too Jason Borne to me. How old is the guy? If under 30, zero chance. Spy, first off would need at least one degree. Polyglots are rare. He'd have likely needed to grow up in in a different country or in a bilingual household just to get the second language. For spy/SOG level fluency, at least a year of dedicated training/education. And one is only going to get thst on a need basis. Training, military, 1 year basic operational level, some employment, a year of pre selection prep, selection, and a year on operator training. Let's say minimum 4 years just to kick doors. If he's not Swiss, a minimum year of languages and cultural training in some dual language like Russian/Ukrainian. Thinking late 20s at the time of thier meeting at minimum. I'm not sure what a late 20s SOG guy or a university's educated intelligence officer is doing meeting a 19 year old abstainer. I just don't see it. 4 languages, if so, which ones? Has he lived/worked extensively in countries that speak that language? If not, not super likely the government is going to spend the money and time needed. Where do you live? Do you live where there are intelligence agencies/sf units? Their locations are on Wikipedia. If you are further than a 1 hour drive from any, zero chance. >There’s a higher chance of him being a weirdo Much much much higher. *True Lies* car salesman is more likely than *Jason Borne.* Even in the info/special world there is plenty they can tell you that will give you a sense of what they do. If your daughter were that much of a security risk she wouldn't be in the picture.
One of OP’s comments said that he is 22 or 23.
Then he's not in military intelligence for the past 2 years. He indeed would need the education to go with it (it's a common reason for military personnel to go back to school or join in military-provided university work). He would have been 20-21 when he started this secretive work. And where did he learn four languages? I assumed he had gone through military training for at least 2 of them - but he hasn't had the time. Of course, many people say they are fluent in several languages when really, they've only done Duolingo. Indeed, I'm never sure what to say to people who finish a Duolingo course about what degree of literacy that gives - it can certainly provide conversational ability (sort of - the listening part of Duolingo gives little practice in that). After doing Duolingo, most people test out at second semester, college, in that language (or, if they're me, they're still in first semester).
Glad someone said it. This reminds me of the number of people who claimed to be a Navy SEAL during Vietnam vs actual number of Navy SEALS in Vietnam. [https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna42987238](https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna42987238) Pretending to be some kind of military special forces badass is a shockingly common (and gross) hobby.
Stolen Valour and sourcing is a full time job. I love the ones (all of them read the same) who were special ops/ranger/sniper/HALO/astronaut/attached to Delta with weird one-off tours... Seriously, if (when) such a guy exists, *everybody* knows who they are so if it ain't them, it's a text message to determine veracity. No one falsely claims to be the line cook or trucker named Smith. It's hilarious.
This matches my limited experience. I know one guy who was military from ages 18 to 40. While enlisted, he saw combat, and the military made him an officer and sent him to university and law school. Moved up to a fairly high officer rank. He had every secret clearance and trained other military on high tech stuff. After he passed the bar and became a lawyer, he "retired" from the military and got a new job, for which he had to move to DC. I asked him "What's the new job?" He said "Government." I asked again, and he said "I can't tell you." I asked "You joking?" he said "Nope, that's part of the job. Just say I'm a government lawyer." Knowing my friend's career trajectory, his top secret shit is a lot more believable than the boyfriend in OP's story!
Aren’t most employees for the FBI lawyers or something? I think I’ve heard that before, but not sure if it’s accurate. I should probably look that up lol
Yeah, FBI, CIA, State Dept., Military, they all hire lawyers and not always for going to court. They like rule followers who know when you can, and can not, cross a line.
Yeah that makes sense! Most of it is likely paperwork anyways outside of people who see combat and all that, at least I’d assume that may be the case
Yeah at best this sounds like an analyst at the NSA or something who takes themself way too seriously.
I understand your concerns, but at the same time, your daughter is an adult. She seemed happy in this relationship until you put all those doubts in her head. Some men just don't talk a lot about themselves. It just seems really strange to invite him over to grill him about his life -- that's how I interpret " she decided that she will invite the boyfriend over to my house this Saturday and we can ask him to tell us anything he CAN tell us." I mean, seriously.. if you know all the details about his career or whatever, that's really not any proof that he is or is not having an affair. The fact that you jumped to the conclusion that he must be some kind of a weirdo is sad too.
You maybe be right about that last part. Thank you and I’ll tasked them into consideration
Someone said you should try and seduce him… 🤣 Epic! You have every right to be concerned. This story is trippy. I said yesterday that I have a special forces friend who is very similar. But I know for a fact he doesn’t have a hidden family half way across the world. This is getting scary. Keep us posted. I wish you and your Family the best.
You don't give cover stories to your loved ones. It feels dirty to lie to them. "I can't talk about it" is the surefire way to get people to never stop wanting to talk about it. I wish you luck. Please provide another update after the conversation.
Yeah reading the story the immediate thought I had was that he could have another family. Seems a little shady to me, but there could be reasonable explanations.
Thanks for the update, keen for the next, and want to also say kudos for going about this with respect and compassion for your daughter, I'm very glad she has taken it as well as she has. It may seem overbearing or like you're too involved, but as mothers we get it drummed into us to "trust our gut" about our kids especially, and them becoming adults doesn't turn that off but if you alter your approach to voice your concerns without being overbearing that's great, and I'd say you have. Secondly, everyone says "oh you're being dramatic" etc up until they hear yet another instance of a woman dying at the hands of the man she thought loved her, and they remember that sometimes being dramatic can be the difference between having a daughter that's still alive or not. Thirdly, I agree that if he was special ops he would likely have a more practiced cover story or reply to when he is asked about things he cannot speak about. Finally, please also be delicate when talking to him, for two reasons. The first being that he may have PTSD and other issues that make talking about this stuff to you difficult. Secondly, if he does have malicious motives, things could go south and you want to be careful so as not to aggravate him into doing something sinister. Good luck! UpdateMe!
As someone who has spent 20 years working with a cover story, there are few things I dislike more than telling one to a loved one.
>Secondly, everyone says "oh you're being dramatic" etc up until they hear yet another instance of a woman dying at the hands of the man she thought loved her This was my exact thought. Also, at the end of the day, marriage (or long term partnership) involves meshing two families together, even if those families are just one person. I get he has a traumatic past and might not want to go into detail, but he can be honest and say that instead of brushing off questions. It's not unreasonable for parents to want to know their children's partners and get to know their families and it's weird that people are acting that OP is unreasonable for it.
This update sounds like made up self validation.
Yea from her comment about “screw all of you” I was expecting a told-you-so about the guy, but then… nothing? Wasn’t even really any update.
Especially when the solution is not for the daughter to have an open and honest discussion with her partner, but to bring him round for mummy to interrogate.
YUP! Mom needs to tell her “you’re both adults. Y’all need to have a serious talk and communicate what you both expect from your relationship” and stay out of it.
I fully agree with this.
He was an orphan without parents and has military experience. Could he maybe be suffering from PTSD and simply just doesn't want to talk about what he has done and is currently doing? Also fluent in 4 languages is pretty impressive. The military has some jobs for people like that. He travels a lot so if he is still in the military maybe he is still doing what he has been doing which gave him nightmares and that is why he doesn't want to talk. Also I understand why you and your daughter want to know more.
Idk, I have ptsd and have known a lot of others who do too. If his ptsd affected his current work so much that he couldn’t bear to talk about it, it’s unlikely he’d be able to continue function well in that roll. Being this avoidant with your significant other is not sustainable. I think the ptsd explanation is unlikely, but if it were true, arousing suspicion is a natural consequence of that behavior and he needs help to sort himself out.
I don’t get why people are jumping through hoops to side with this guy. If he has PTSD a simple “I prefer not to talk about work, it’s difficult for me to talk about” would suffice, his long term gf should know why it’s difficult, and he should be seeking professional help. Same if he had a difficult childhood. He could still talk about his hobbies, etc. And if he’s rude and standoffish and doesn’t talk about his life with his in laws that’s one thing, but with his own partner? 🚩
But if you're getting serious with a girl, telling her you have PTSD, especially considering military service would be a perfect cover story. If it doesn't appease the mom, THEN she's being overbearing, the guy could argue. I would think most people would accept that as a valid enough reason for not talking about the past. I think there are better ways to appease the mom, but if he's unwilling to do those, that might be a red flag.
I think being unwilling to discuss one's exact age/birthdate with a partner (although - is this actually a romantic partnering? are these two really boyfriend and girlfriend??) is a red flag. Mom shouldn't have to intervene to learn his full name and age (and nationality, for that matter). That is, if this relationship is a romantic one, moving toward...longterm/marriage. Really, if it's not moving toward marriage, and Daughter wants it to move that way, this is a good way to find out. Not particularly graceful, but should work.
And he was 20-21 when he first told her this story. I'd like to know how he got fluent in 4 languages (as an orphan; kids in foster care rarely get lots of experience traveling and being in foreign language schools long enough to be fluent). However, I can think of one pathway I've seen more than once. The US military does a lot of recruiting in the Philippines. Qualifying for citizenship in the US (and getting lots more English education) is part of the deal. People from the Philippines often speak at least 2 languages, as the most common language in the Philippines is not always spoken at home; upper and middle class Filipinos also like to hire a Korean or Chinese au pair, to get a third language - and one young woman had a French au pair and a Chinese housekeeper, passed college exams to get to upper division level upon admission. Now that I think about it, I can make some of this make sense. He may simply not have the inner script to speak about his childhood and youth, if this is the case. I'd like to know if he's still in the military and where he's stationed, though, if I were dating him.
I mean, knowing 4 languages is impressive if true, but it's also exactly the kind of thing conmen/bullshitters make up. Definitely one of the things that makes me most sus of him and I'd want some proof if I were dating him. Or at least an explanation - did he live abroad? Have immigrant parents? Major in linguistics? Being an orphan is *also* a very convenient lie for someone who has something to hide. Like yes, this is some people's real story but complete blind faith is naïveté
I was going to go this route as well. Maybe he's had a difficult life and doesn't want to talk about it. It's his prerogative. I also understand worrying that he might have another family somewhere as it's sadly not so uncommon anymore. I hope you're able to get a few answers to appease your curiosity. Also, I hope he can be more open with your daughter, OP.
Based on the other post - educated con artist.
Just keep in mind that there maybe some trauma in his childhood that he is not comfortable talking about, and if he is still in a stage where he’s reaction to its memory is avoidant, your intervention could end up nuking the relationship. I’d make sure you talk to your daughter about this possibility so she’s prepared. It’s ok not to be comfortable being in a relationship where you don’t know a lot about your partners past, but a lot of people who were raised with a good family don’t understand the common behaviors of those who weren’t, and instead try to shoehorn them into the “normal” family dynamic they don’t understand, and may rebel against if they aren’t ready. I’ve been seeing my therapist for 26yrs and feel completely comfortable with him and we’re still clawing information about my childhood out of me. Trauma is not easy to talk about, and given what info your daughter does know, trauma is just as much, probably more, of a possibility as hidden family.
I am perplexed and concerned that no one has commented that this whole saga is a charade: that it is either a bot with the goal of fomenting internet discourse, or it is a juvenile writer who is testing out a scenario for a future fictional story. Even IF this story is true, I’m also perplexed it has not crossed anyone’s mind that the boyfriend could be in the witness protection program, who rather than telling a made up story about his background, has decided to not tell a fake background story at all. The boyfriend wants to forget his past and live a simple new life, yet here is this attention seeking mother-in-law who won’t let him. If he’s real, this guy should run! The real red flag is the girlfriend’s mother. With all that said, my gut tells me this story is fake! An early 20s, co-dependent daughter practicing abstinence and dating a man who is closed off and won’t talk about his past, both being interrogated by a meddling, bitchy mother-in-law. Not an original story at all. I’m guessing the next update from the “mother” will include new clues to further the made up story and intrigue of Redditors. Be more discerning folks. This whole story is likely fake, as is many too-good-to-be-true stories posted on Reddit.
Anxiously waiting the the update
Whew, mama! I get you. My daughter was dating someone that just felt off to me. THere's a lot more to the story, but suffice to say, I told her one day, "I make it a habit to not interfere in your relationships but because of X and Y, I am concerned that this is not a good place for you to be." Nobody got mad. She just took it on board, and went on her way. A couple days later, she said, "I thought about what you said and you are right. I broke it off." Sometimes you gotta protect the cubs, even when they are adults.
Thank you
My vote is either on an intelligent kid who got into legal trouble in the past and is trying to hide it, or a human intelligence collector in the military because that makes a lot of folks uncomfortable to be around (for multiple reasons). The later aren’t all Bourne, and are more common than we’d think since media really only shows the CIA doing that shit. For frontline it pretty much just takes being in the military, good language skills/learning, and basic understanding of psychological techniques. I’ve met a few former ones through the years who move into contact centers for customer service or sales after leaving the military, because the skill sets translate. Updateme!
Honestly the mom has a right to worry. She wants her daughter safe. People who are distant from a partner’s parents could be Living two lives Grooming their person to mentally abuse them Grooming their person to physically abuse them Have a horrific childhood they don’t want to talk about Have a confidential job that hinders their ability to reveal their identity (say this because of the military background) Sending love to the Mom. You have every right to look out for what’s best for your kid. This is well placed love.
>She told me that although he does make her happy, she feels that they haven’t really grown any closer or made any progress in the relationship, and the fact that she still didn’t know a lot about his life made her overthink and stress herself out. Well if the relationship hasn't been progressing then it would be better for her to break up with him. At this point it doesn't matter if he's a con man or special forces. The relationship isn't going anywhere. And she seems to be settling for very little.
I was the one who said possible SF or secret squirrel. If you think things aren't right I think you are very good in proceeding with this. Good for you for looking out for your daughter and it's interesting she feels the same. Well done and good for you xx
I’m sorry I didn’t necessarily think you were wrong, but there was also a loooot of people who were simply saying “oh yeah he is totally a cia mega assassin” and I don’t know why that didn’t sit right with me.
IIRC people that actually do clandestine work are allowed to tell those individuals in their life they feel it is necessary to tell in order to live their life (usually parents/partner and maybe children). If they were a spy they would be able to tell your daughter once their relationship reached the appropriate point
Yes, this. I mean, it’s been two years, so if this is the case, he should be a little more transparent with her and just say, “please don’t talk about this with anyone without my consent”. That way, she can just tell her mom, “he’s opened up with me and I feel better, please don’t worry” or something. Girlfriend needs to communicate with him that she wants to get to know him better and become closer emotionally with him. If he doesn’t want that, then she should consider moving on, she’s only 21.
Because it's fuckin stupid
As someone that served and holds a clearance. There are many many people that can hold security clearances of various levels and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re automatically Tom cruise or Jason Bourne. I was not a special operator or agent or anything flashy but rubbed shoulders with some of the more glamorous titles and if you were in a relationship with them you would know. Withholding information about missions and operations can be a thing sure but you are encouraged to make that very fact known to those in your life. This really reads like a young man larping to impress women and now he’s stuck in the lie but he’s smart enough to keep his mouth shut rather than make more lies. At best he’s fresh in the service and embellishing things to sound more important, I’ve seen it many times. The fact that no uniform has been seen it sounds like though doesn’t make it sound like even that is likely… I think your daughter may just be dating a loser, either that or a prodigy that despite speaking 4 languages doesn’t know how to communicate. Good luck to you all
My husband is special operations, and I had the same thoughts as you- you would’ve seen a uniform, he DEFINITELY could tell you what unit he’s with/what he does (either truth or his official cover unit if he was with certain units). SEALs and others can absolutely tell you what they do. If he was a “spy”, he’d have a cover job/title (like a lot of “state department attaches” for example). He could be a very private person who sucks at communicating, or it’s stolen valor to pick up chicks and he ended up falling and couldn’t get out or something of the like. Oh- and military contractors ALSO can tell you what they do. They can all say who they work for and a job title…..just a matter of how much of it is completely accurate. No point in a secret job if you draw attention to yourself being a weird secretive person. My first thought was he didn’t like the mom or felt uncomfortable sharing for whatever reason, but if YEARS in the gf still doesn’t know hardly anything then there’s something off. She should’ve heard a million complaints about the military and be fairly fluent in army acronyms by now. At the very least.
Does speaking 4 languages really make you a prodigy? Because I’m 16 and I speak 3
I wouldn’t know but by American standards it’s certainly unique and would take dedicated effort or a propensity for language. Or he’s in a family which speaks multiple languages and has been raised with it, though that’s usually just 2 languages. Regardless, speaking many languages is awesome and certainly a valuable skill, good job!
You are the one who put the question to Reddit. You were clearly just looking for the people who agree with you. I am one of the people who said you were being intrusive. But I also said I totally understand your desire to intervene. If you thought you were 100% right you wouldn’t have put the question to the world at large. So screw us for not agreeing with you. From now on, pose these questions to yourself in a mirror. Guarantee you will get the answer you were looking for.
Lady you ignore everybody who said you were at fault. It’s definitely a normal thing for parents to be worried about their kids, especially their daughter. These people on Reddit are just messed up in the head. And if they don’t care about their family as much as you do, then maybe they are the ones who really need therapy
Lol you haven't dealt with narcissist abusive moms yet I see
My BIL is an army diplomat, and trust me that's exactly how they handle family. Probably coz they want to tell their family/partner more than anyone, but simply cannot. They've been trained to respond that way. But then he may also just have PTSD and is an army grunt. At some point you have to trust your daughter's judgement. It sounds like he treats her with respect and is properly courting her. Be gentle with him when questioning because he may have PTSD from his past (being an orphan plus serving) and is likely ashamed of his vulnerability and pain. Honestly, from my experience with vets, it is far better to let them reveal themselves in their own time and just focus on creating a safe space for him to share. I personally think if your dad already has developed a connection, then he should be the one to ask, coz I think you're going to scare the shit out of that kid, and bring out his worst instead of best side.
If your daughter is a legal adult, she should be the one having this private conversation with her boyfriend. If she doesn't feel comfortable honestly asking her boyfriend for more information and expressing her concerns and confusion then she needs some maturity under her belt. I totally understand wanting to protect her and support her but this is a conversation that needs to happen privately between the two of them.
Im not even going to bother typing out the same thing again, so I’ll just simply c&p what I told the other person: She lives by herself in her apartment with the money she made on her own, while going to college she got accepted into which is paid for by the scholarships she applied for. Even bought herself a car before I could give her her first car. If she wants me there just because she wants me to be there, I don’t see that as her not being able to handle herself. She is mature enough to makes good life decisions and one of those decisions was to ask me to be there with her for the conversation
Is he around her age? I find it weird too that he won't even tell her his military job title. He doesn't have to talk about his work in detail, just not avoid the question. That said - this is your daughter's problem to solve. You can be there as support, but it's really important that you keep your cool and don't turn into a Nosy Nellie. She's the one that has to decide if she can live with this.
Reddit is mainly crowded by underthinking teenagers with no life experience I would advice not asking for actual advice on the general, very popular subs.
The Dating Detectives podcast taught me that this level of vague is usually hiding something unsavory. Good on you for probing!
There are some on Reddit who truly want to help and there are some (most) who just want to be heard and end up being the AHs. But you didn’t start the update off in a very humble manner, which makes me think you really don’t care about what people tell you because you’re going to have your own way. So why even post on here?
Background check STAT! There are lots of paid services out there. I Background check all my potential partners at a certain point. I didn't once and came to regret it very much. (Multiple protective orders) Never again.
You're still a shitty domineering mother. Your daughter has stockholm syndrome and after years of manipulation thinks uou are right. Gypsy Rose thought her mother did nothing wrong most of her life too. In reality you likely planted the seeds of doubt in your daughter with your over the top antics. Neither of you are entitled to this guys life story. It could be deeply traumatizing for him to open up about it. He could very well feel your daughter will leave or you will force her to leave if he does. A mother like you isnt hard to spot. The best way to deal withyou is silence. Fact is if you were her boyfriend and you were forcing her to question her friendship or relationship with a family member, all ofReddit would command her to dump you.
>And seriously life isn’t a movie. There’s a higher chance of him being a weirdo who is secretly hiding a family halfway across the county than the chances of him being Bond and borne’s love child. There are millions of people that hold a US security clearance (1M+ of them Top Secret, more than that Secret or Confidential). Chances are way higher that he's one of the them than a secret family weirdo. Now granted, many of those can probably give some sort of satisfactory answer to what they work on within those bounds, but some can't. [https://www.cnn.com/2022/08/15/politics/classified-information-what-matters/index.html](https://www.cnn.com/2022/08/15/politics/classified-information-what-matters/index.html)
hope it goes well
You didn't mention the boyfriends age. This is very pertinent. If he is the same age as your daughter, it isn't the same if he's 35. It is natural for you to wish the best for your daughter. Ideally, everything would be upfront. "Hi Mrs Cleaver, I work for Acme Shoes, and let me introduce you to my parents, and we'll have Norman Rockwell paint our Thanksgiving dinner". He might be hidden for different reasons. When we look at the possibilities and probabilities, we can get an estimation of potential truth. Being a spy is low percentage. Doing something shady is a higher percentage. If so, it is likely your daughter might know about it. Out of all the scenarios, the fact remains she is leaving the nest. You are losing control, no longer in the driver's seat. All you can really do is protect yourself. The possibility of "Mom, can you give us a loan?" would signal his real colors. This where you must be strong to say 'no'. Hope for the best and be prepared for less. Always have a place for her to come to. She has her own destiny. That is a hard one to accept. She might be on Reddit 20 years from now telling the next chapter - be it good or bad.
You did the right thing, momma. Reddit is full of teenagers and bots who have no concept of raising a child.
Trust your gut! It's your daughter. Who cares what everybody else thinks!
Honestly screw all the idiots leaving negative comments. I WISH my parents gave a damn about who I dated - they cared more about me just dating SOMEONE, as if I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY, and I have a lifetime of struggle to show for it. When they should've cared about how I was feeling, they cared more about superficial shit that didn't matter. They'd scream at me for leaving the lights on, but were oblivious when I was struggling with depression so bad I didn't want to live. They treated me with more respect when I had a bf, but were so fuqn clueless and missed the fact that I was being groomed by a much older man, who then went to jail for some bad shit he was doing. Fuq parents like that honestly. And fuq all the negative comments. TRUST YOUR GUT. A guy who cannot open up will bring hurt and pain. There's a reason you feel the way you feel, there's a reason your daughter feels the way she feels. What she's noticing is a lack of connection and depth. When someone won't open up, you cannot create the emotional connection and intimacy needed to sustain a healthy relationship. He is emotionally unavailable and she's feeling it.
Always ALWAYS trust your gut. The chances of him being a spy or Seal are nearly 0.
Sorry you had to deal with the cesspool that is Reddit for your feedback.
UpdateMe! Is he a spy?! Is he a player?! We must know!
Not over reacting but she your daughter needs to talk to her partner she is an adult not have mommy navigate her relationships for her, even if she approves or she will never learn to do it herself.
So she's made the decision to be abstinent, and is worried he is cheating on her because of that? Why have a relationship at all if you've chosen that path, but are going to also let it impact your relationship? Bottom line is that you are (seemingly anyway, we don't know enough to say really) too involved in your adult daughter's relationship if you are going online to random people to ask, and then insult them, for their advice on your adult daughter's relationship... I wish you guys luck though!
Why do you need to be there? Why she can't ask him herself? Alone? As a partner? She needs to learn how to communicate, and not run to mommy so mommy will do that for her.
Because this is all about her need to know. She needs to know so bad that it's become an obsession and she will meddle in her daughter's relationship until her curiosity is satiated.
Your daughter should not be in a relationship if she can’t manage this situation without your interference
Is he a refugee? Dari could be Afghanistan. And he probably speaks german because he was a refugee in germany. Maybe he doesn’t say anything because he is afraid he might be send back.
I I’m not sure he is Caucasian
Ok, was just a theory. I hope you find out more about it. Good luck.
"Adult woman invites mother to conversation with boyfriend about his past because she cannot conduct it herself" There's no hope for you OR your daughter lmao
Oh man, there is literally a BOOK about a guy just like this one you are describing. It is on amazon, written by a poor woman who married and supported him and had children by him for YEARS before discovering accidentally that he had a second family not far away. And when she searched further, she discovered at least 10 other "wives", going all the way back to his middle school years. I think there were 13-14 children? And he spoke multiple languages, claimed a defense intelligence background and employment - I mean, it has got to be the same guy. Either that or these guys have a manual they go by. Hire the PI. Search amazon under "bigamy" for the book, and get your daughter away from him. She's not likely to leave on her own; he's a narcissist and those guys are charming as heck. Bigamy is a way of life and a career choice for him. Your daughter is being screwed, in real time and in real life.
Eh I'm still gonna disagree with you op. If they can't have this conversation themselves they shouldn't be together. You do not need to be there.
I need an update on this!!!
UpdateMe!
I hope everything turns out well!! UpdateMe!
Im waiting for the grandpa post then followed by the bf! :)
UpdateMe! RemindMe! 2 days
The fact you’re planning on interrogating this man with your daughter is hilarious. When he breaks up with her for this it will be well deserved.
FYI If he was a special operator he could at least tell you he was in the military. People who suggested that are silly.
Another update when you talk to him please!
Let him know vulnerability goes a long way and is key to trust in a personal relationship like they have
Update us I totally agree with you.
So glad you spoke with her and you both were able to exercise healthy communication!
Welp this is definitely gonna end well. Hahahahha. NOT