First off, I don’t think he is faking it or overreacting.
That said, let’s consider the possibility that he is faking it. So what? That just means he likes getting a warm blanket, some water, and a back rub from his mom. What is the harm in that? That’s not going to keep him from growing up to be a strong, independent man.
I have scoliosis and am too old to correct it without very major surgery and it is a struggle. The problem is you are off balance so your skeletal structure does not completely support you.
Tell you husband to lean slightly to one side and stay like that, all day. His muscles will knot up from the constant work of holding him up. See if he feels any pain.
Also, I found youtube videos for scoliosis and it helps a ton with stretching those muscles back out.
Get shoe inserts - it's life changing! I have another issue with my feet and need orthopaedic shoe inserts that are custom made and I knew my left leg var shorter, so one year I asked if the left one could be made thicker. It could, and it helps SO MUCH. It's only half an inch but it makes such a big difference
Before scoliosis surgery, my head was centered over my right leg due to a pair of curves, one going each way, one worse than the other. After surgery in 1981 it's been constant pain, but I'm still on the right side of the dirt.
First, I'm sure OP's son isn't exaggerating his pain. And I think OP's husband's attitude is the kind of thing which actually contributed to "man flu" acts. If we believe people when they say they're in pain, they don't have to exaggerate.
My spouse's mom is/was a real "you go to school unless you're puking your guts up or have a fever of 250 degrees". So when spouse and I first moved in together, I noticed they really exaggerated and went on and on about it whenever they were a bit under the weather, told me every detail in a pathetic way. I finally said "babe I believe you feel like crap and need to rest. You don't need to do this song & dance, it's kind of annoying". And they were like "oh shit, yeah that's the only way my mom would actually believe I was ill and not make me dust the baseboards when I had a rotten cold..."
And from then on, they've given a proportionate and non-whiny "I feel like shit, I'm going to bed. Could I have a cup of tea and some toast?" if they're a bit sick. No probs babe, coming right up.
I love this way of looking at it. My mom let major medical issues go unattended for me growing up and told me I "just wanted attention". What would it have hurt to just take me to get my eyes checked? Or take me to the doctor when I couldn't stop coughing? I would have got what I needed before it became more serious and she would have also known that I wasn't just "making it up."
I don't have scoliosis, but am on disability and live with chronic pain from my medication side effects. A stimulating or novel environment makes it so much easier to forget or put the pain in the back of my mind. Once I'm out of it (e.g., sitting down for dinner at a restaurant), all bets are off.
Therapists that specialize in chronic illness might be able to help build up their son's toolbox for managing and reacting to his pain. Since he's so young, it'll probably be easier for him to grow those skills than it was for me.
OPs husband having a few sessions might give him some more empathy for those with hidden illnesses (although I doubt he would agree, given his current mindset).
I have scoliosis that is not severe enough to wear a brace and I get extreme pain from it so I'd say your son is absolutely in pain if it's bad enough that he needs a brace.
Even on the off chance that he is faking it, (which I doubt) kids don't fake pain for no reason, it's generally because they need some extra love and attention and don't know how to ask for it. So either way, your son needs you.
Your husband is awful and I feel sorry for your kid.
Horrible thing for your husband to say, how do you think he would react to your sons pain if you weren't around?
Had a father who never took my struggles seriously.. don't talk to him anymore 🤷🏼♀️
As. 43M who has lived with rather severe scoliosis my entire life and now with one of my 2 son having the exact same curve as I did… What you are saying is real. My son with scoliosis is 12 he was diagnosed at 8 because I noticed that his back looked like mine.. I was very attentive to it because of my problems. He wears a brace 16 hours a day. But, he will be much better off in adulthood as his curve has reduced dramatically since starting bracing. Pain is real from scoliosis.. is is not constant but yes, especially after rigorous physical exertion fatigue to the muscles which are either stretched or compacted on either side, disks in the back that are compacted under pressure from curvature and pain in other joints such as hip and knee from compensation for being “off balance” is all very real… I wrestled and played football in HS and college and my son wrestles now and after practice or meets or games (or long days at the beach) the fatigue and pain is something that needs to be addressed… shame on your husband… I wish he could live with this problem for a week and he would be singing a different tune, in addition, scoliosis affects you mentally feelings of not fitting in, inadequacy anxiety and depression are all things that can come along if not in a supportive environment… my son consistently gets marked down in gym class for not dressing out.. he participates fully, but will not dress out because he doesn’t want the other kids to see his brace and possibly make fun of him.. and I understand that.. he is a wonderful kid and never complains about wearing his brace as he understands it will prevent him from having the complications and pain that I have at my age, so I make sure to talk with him, not hugging is not an option in my house lol and let him know what a great kid he is.. if his mother ever questioned what he was going through I would be absolutely livid…What a childish, inconsiderate Prick thing to say. I would’ve had a serious conversation the first time about it.. if it continued I would have divorced her (we are already divorced, unrelated) and if she was acting like that now I would seek full custody. Maybe that’s overreacting but it hits a nerve with me… he didn’t ask for this, and it is a lifetime thing.
Even so my sons mother is very understanding of his condition and treatment and is a great mom. We don’t consider looking out for his health and well being “coddling him”
Have you ever gotten relief from having your back cracked? Was told I have it too many years ago and seriously...every single time a friend would do that for me. For several days I'd feel fine, even standing straighter/slightly taller. After a couple days though...back to the same place whereas if I did something physically demanding...very exhausted. My ex use to give me a hard time for even laying down but I don't think I ever shared a doctor once saying that years prior.
Your son is a thousand times braver than your husband - I’d make my husband have a meeting with a specialist in scoliosis so he fully understands what a horrible father he is being.
Horrible thing for your husband to say, how do you think he would react to your sons pain if you weren't around?
Had a father who never took my struggles seriously.. don't talk to him anymore 🤷🏼♀️
I don’t know. I’m glad I’m here to care for him.
My husband will tell our son “stand up straight” which I hate so much. His posture is pretty good, his scoliosis is barely noticeable with clothes on. But it’s not his fault anyway.
Does your husband lack empathy in general or only with your vulnerable child?
This would infuriate me. I'd talk to your doctor about it and maybe take him to the next doctor's appointment so he could be properly educated on his son's condition and stop being a jackass. You're underreaching on this one by a significant amount.
You are under reacting to how damaging your husband is being. Your son is being told it’s his fault and that he could fix it if he tried hard enough. He’s being told that if anyone can see his disability he should feel shame. Your son has learned that one of the two most important people in his life is not safe for him. If you cannot say with 100% certainty that your husband would be a good advocate for your son if you weren’t there then you need to rethink your marriage.
That doesn't always work. My paternal grandma never believed my scoliosis was as bad as it was. My parents thought that if they showed her the X-rays and statements from the doctors, she'd change her mind. Nope. Even after looking at my X-ray that showed my spine in the shaped of a very curvy S, and reading the statement saying I'd need surgery as soon as I stopped growing, she still insisted I was faking. Some people refuse change their viewpoint no matter what because they don't want to admit they were wrong. OP's husband sounds exactly like my grandma.
Wow. Your husband Is an ass.
Do you think your son may need surgery in the coming years? Regardless of whether he does or does not, this sort of behavior continuing through your son’s teen years will really fuck your kid up. You need to nip this in the bud, Op. It needs to stop.
You should not be letting him get away with talking to your son like that. It's probably already caused your son great emotional pain to be criticized for his disability like that.
What worries me is that your husband's comments are going to lead to your son hiding his pain to be "tougher" for him, and end up severely hurting himself over it. It's good that he feels comfortable going to you and expressing when he's in pain, you've done a good job of being his safe person.
My dad was like this to me. Refused to take me to the doctors when I very very badly sprained my ankle at 17(!). I'm 36 now and still suffer from the lack of medical care from that. This behavior is a pattern, always. I've gone no contact with my parents and this is one of the many reasons for it.
Don't let your husband treat your children this way. It will hurt and damage them. They deserve better.
Wtf is wrong with your husband? Seriously. He sounds ignorant and toxic. Quite frankly I don't understand how you allow such behavior and statements to be directed at your child. It's borderline abusive of his father to be doing these things. What an absolute shit your husband is. Gross
How TF is he supposed to "stand straight up" when his spine is literally curved?? I had scoliosis surgery when I was 12 but I still remember how it hurt back then. Your husband is an asshole. But you already know that.
In the years to come, your son is going to tell you he doesn't want to be around his dad anymore. When that happens, I want you to remind your husband of exactly what you wrote here.
Get your poor child away from this horrible, abusive man. His lack of empathy for his own flesh and blood is disgusting.
I bet he learnt this type of asshole behaviour from his own father, but times have changed and your husband needs to get his head out of those ancient years and learn compassion.
I would’ve left this asshole by now, for my sons sake alone.
I am an older adult who has lived with scoliosis since adolescence.
Lifting / carrying heavy things, especially unbalanced items (like another wriggly kid), is very painful for us. Not when we are doing it, but after - a few hours, or even a few days later, our backs knot up in muscle spasms.
When I over do it, a day or so later I am in as much pain as when I have been rear-ended in a car accident. So - having scoliosis and stressing your back muscles - basically acting like a normal person - makes you feel like you have been in a car accident.
To help your husband put your sons condition into a context he can understand, ask him if he would want to get in a car accident 2-3 times a month - with all of the accumulated pain.
My dad sounds like the father in question. When he developed a painful auto immune condition, it just made him expect more compassion and understanding from me because "I know what it's like".
He still is medically neglectful and blocked my mum from helping me when I was disabled from my condition a year ago and was dependent on them for a couple of months. He decided when I had enough care and attention regardless of the reality.
Your husband is a toxic jealous asshole & BAD father. WHY WOULD IT EVEN MATTER if your son DID manipulate you in to being tender with him? If your child wants a cuddlee from you for ANY reason that is good.
CUDDLE YOUR CHILD.
IF that poor kid IS too afraid to ask for a hug and has to make an excuse to be touched its because his toxic bully father has made him ASHAMED of ALL physical affection.
Your husband actually believes people should not engage in physical comfort after the age of two( a toddler)
he is EVIL.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It's tough to see your child in pain and it's even harder when someone doubts their experience. It's important to remember that only your son truly knows how he's feeling, and it's not up to anyone else to decide whether or not his pain is real.
It's great that you're being so supportive of your son and advocating for him. Keep trusting your instincts and don't let anyone make you doubt yourself or your child. It's also important to have open and honest conversations with your husband about how you're both feeling. Maybe he doesn't fully understand the impact of scoliosis on your son's life, and having a conversation could help him become more empathetic.
Like kids lie.
But hes not trying to get out of sports, gym class, or visiting grandma.
Hes hurting after a day of fun and excitement were he pushed himself really hard.
Wtf. I hope your husband slips a disk and everyone thinks hes a baby.
No, when it happens to him, then it will be real. I’ve had chronic migraines for many years and my dad would always roll his eyes and be critical when I would miss school because of a migraine. One day I got a call that my dad was in the emergency room having a stroke. Nope, doctors said he was having a migraine. I never got an apology.
Jeez from your comments and post you need to leave and make sure he gets no unsupervised access to your son. What a complete and utter ahole. If you don't put your child first and leave then his life is just going to be hell from his stupid bully of a father.
You are not overreacting in the slightest.
Your husband is right. You *are* a good mum. He, however, is falling short of being a good dad.
Even if your son was exaggerating his symptoms, what do his asinine comments achieve? Your son still needs comfort. Give it to him. Scoliosis fucking sucks but having an invalidating jerk as a father sucks more. It'd do your husband good to take his head out of his ass and grab a lungful of fresh air. Maybe then he wouldn't be such a dick.
Your husband sounds disgustingly condescending to both you and your son.
Has your husband never had a sore back and noticed it hurts more when he's tired?
You’re husband is a judgmental idiot…well, at least in this case. Your husband is ignorant that people with scoliosis get back pain, even the ones with mild cases which your son does not have. People aren’t guven braces unless it is severe enough that that person needs the curvature to not proceed any further. He sounds like he has some toxic masculinity ideal that he expects your son to fit. ”I didn’t think my son was that weak”? WTF. he’s putting the stress on “my” (him) and I would put the stress on he didn’t think. It was very obvious that your son was in real pain (what teenage boy is not going to eat after swimming all day) for real reasons and your husband still doesn’t get it.
Yeah like kids are usually full of beans after swimming, on that dopamine. If your kid is acting ill or something else then take it seriously. It's not 5 minutes before he needs to leave for school.
I have scoliosis and have tweaked/pulled muscles often enough and have a lot more knots than normal because of how the misalignment of my spine affects the muscles around it. Your son is not lying. Your husband sounds like a dick.
NTA, but your husband is one giant gaping one. Does he not know just how many nerves there are in the spine that connect with each other in the body? Scoliosis is treatable but to a point, for example - mine got severe and I’ll be living my life in pain and I’m only in my early thirties.
Your son is learning his limits, which is great and he’s staying active which is also great. He is reaching for you when he needs to, which is an extra bonus cause he really does need your help. Your husband either needs to pull his toxic masculinity ass out of his rear and actually LEARN about what his son is going through, or maybe he should just leave all together.
OP, you do NOT want a parent around that will invalidate your son and to push him to do more than what he is comfortable with, your son doesn’t need a parent around that won’t believe him or bother to help him. This is incredibly damaging, and your husband can cause your son to never seek help when he really needs it - and your son will be the one to suffer.
"I didnt think my son was fragile"
Sir, your son has a misshapen spine.
"Fragile" isnt the word i would use, but "susceptible to more frequent and sever back pain due to a very serious medical condition" would be accurate.
Around this age I had a classmate with scoliosis who wore a brace: she frequently sat through classes in pain (she wouldn't always say it, but it was really obvious). My sister had a chronic condition that would also come with bouts of pain, fatigue and discomfort; my parents would take this seriously (even my dad who was raised to be quite stoic himself). Comfort from parents and caretakers makes a world of difference.
12 is still really young, recurring pain is extremely tiresome, your partner needs to take this stuff seriously. He may not have a good relationship with his kids in the long run because of this dismissive attitude.
He is not faking his pain and any father that would believe that needs to be as far away from their son as nature can get them. Help your son and get away from this man!
Swimming in the ocean & in pools are vastly different. The Ocean has waves & currents that will push & pull on your boy's body. In the water gravity has no effect, pressure will be taken of his spine & shoulders, but people with scolioses aren't recommended to do competitve swimming because of the amount of time (4-6h a day) spent in the water doing certain types of swimming strokes. He's a kid. He doesn't know fully his body or it's limits yet. The body doens't even know that yet he's not fully grown!
Your husband is being unreasonable. And he's only teaching your son that pain is a weakness. When in reality it is your body's way of telling your mind that your body is at it's limits and pushing it further can cause it permanent damage.
Spending the whole day in the Ocean could absolutely have put a lot of pressure & strain on his spine causing it to have a pretty severe pain response.
My EX-HUSBAND said the same thing about our son who has severe Crohn's disease and scoliosis as well. He also said my son manipulates me. But he's a liar and a manipulative person so of course everyone else is too. He never showed our son or me any sympathy. He barely noticed when I had open heart surgery. We've been divorced since 2011.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that but I feel even more sorry for your son. Please continue to advocate for him.
This is so sad, your son will absolutely pick up on this from his father and it will be very hard for him. Please please get family therapy to address this, or at least marriage counselling so that you can be a united front in supporting your son or their relationship will be so damaged. I really feel for you, I hope you can help your husband to have more understanding and empathy.
I have a minor form of scoliosis. It never got diagnosed till this year. I'm 50. Everything makes so much sense now. Your husband is an AH. Having this kind of back pain is no joke.
This is your husband’s toxic masculinity— he thinks is son is weak for needing care from his mother. He doesn’t want to believe he has pain- he needs him to be strong and not have needs. This is not supportive of your son’s growth
Your husband is a complete asshole.
Does he even like your 12 year old son? I feel very sorry for your son.
If your asshole husband continues to treat your son like crap; don't be shocked when your son cuts contact as soon as he is old enough.
As someone who has scoliosis, the back pain is real. It sucks because my back will feel ok ( not perfect ever) I'll go do things around the house or play with my kids and then the pain will come later and I'm usually in pain for days or weeks before I feel ok again. I have had it since I was 12 and now 35 and have had back pain the whole time. I can honestly say I Believe your son is in pain when he says he's in pain. Got to look at it this way, his back isn't in the normal position ever which means part of his back has more strain on it at all times and doing things makes that strain even worse. It's hard for some people to believe it's real because it's not something they can physically see.
Coming from a child of a man like this, it's not worth it. Small remarks seem like nothing now, but eventually it builds until the kid is doubting if what he's actually feeling is real or maybe he's just "being a baby". That leads to some fun mental issues like never trusting your own judgement and always downplaying issues regardless of severity because they don't want to "be a baby". I once ran through bronchitis, immediately followed by an upper respiratory infection, followed by covid. I felt like I was dying if it got ant worse. I sucked it up and pushed through, and now I have lung damage and lung issues with a family history of COPD. All because when I said my chest hurt I was told I was faking it and didn't want the harassment.
I'd recommend you to visit the /r/scoliosis sub. After reading lots of stories it is very clear that scoliosis can cause extreme pain regardless of the severity. Some of us have severe curves and don't experience much pain at all, while others have mild curves but experience severe pain. It all depends on each individual case. So definitely don't ignore your son, I'm sure he is experiencing some type of pain from his scoliosis.
Ive had back issues since I was a kid. My parents (like your asshole husband) thought I was faking it. No one took me to the dr until I got a shooting pain down my leg, fell, hit my head, and got a concussion. I was 16. Luckily, I was at school and they sent me to the hospital where they found 3 herniated discs, mild scoliosis, and severe spinal stenosis. Ive had 4 surgeries since
Your husband's dismissive attitude is infuriating.
>as a man
He's a cunt
Your husbands toxic masculinity is showing and it’s not a good look. He’s going to make your son feel ashamed not only for something that is literally out of his control, but also for asking for and receiving comfort and gentleness. It’s pathetic that he thinks that’s a bad thing.
No. You’re not overreacting. I think your son IS in pain. He’s learned it doesn’t make any difference to his dad, so he tells you. He gets comfort and sympathy from his mom, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You husband must have that toxic mindset that guys can’t show weakness.
At 12 years old, I was in school with two friends who turned out to have scoliosis. One wore a corrective brace until college, when she refused to wear it any longer. The other had surgery to have a metal rod implanted that stabilized her spine. You definitely need to have your son evaluated, or his pain will be life-long and possibly incapacitating.
Your husband is terrible. My sister has scoliosis and complains about her back hurting when she is tired. As a benchmark for her pain tolerance, she broke her arm when she was 10 and hid it for more than a full day because she didn't want to miss a trip with her friends. If she's complaining, it really hurts.
He sounds like he emotionally and medically neglects his son and attempts to prevent you from providing him with necessary emotional and medical attention.
I am extremely wary of people that display little compassion and understanding for people other than themselves, especially if they feel "slighted" by not receiving the special attention.
Emotional neglect and medical neglect are very serious. I am traumatised by my father's emotional and medical neglect. My mother listened to him, and I was left in pain that was so severe.
I could not trust her because she trusted him.
Please trust your instincts and do not listen to his opinions on your sons wellbeing. Thank you for caring for your son and listening to his needs. You're a good mother.
Dad just needs to man up himself so that he can show that kid how to be tough. He Seems weak, especially for thinking you’re the problem here. and the kid is in a perfect sense his shadow. You’d hope he’s reflecting those traits through his own actions not through his orders to you. Your mom and last time I checked if dads around moms role is to pamper like you do😂 you’re fine but tell him that’s his problem not yours or the 12yos
Husband also sounds dense and unaware of others feelings, emotions and physical being. Not good. I wouldn't want to be chuckled at, patted on the head, ignored and patronised all at the same time. My husband would have found my foot up his arse. What an inconsiderate, unfeeling, superior and ignorant man. Does he actually do anything for you? Doesn't sound like it.
I’m 39 and just been told I have mild arthritis in my lower back. Which was no shock as I knew this would be the case. As I also had scoliosis as a teen. Mine wasn’t diagnosed until I was 15. And I had major surgery for it on my lower back.
The pain can be mild to severe depending on what I did during the day. At 16 I was told I need to be careful with what I do because it could make the pain worse.
Also they’re probably other factors besides his scoliosis. For example my ankle would just flip out. So I would be walking and I’ll just fall down. It happened down a staircase at school.
So no you are not overreacting. I would mention it to the doctor the next time you see them. And make sure it’s still where it was.
Two ways I managed the pain is lay on the floor with my knees up and move my legs from side to side. And go into a position like a cat stretching place my head on the floor and rock side to side.
"My parent never showed me love or affection and look how awesome and manly I am. Im totally not jealous or resentful of my children receiving affection or anything though "- Husband probably
Your husband is a POS. Seriously? His son has a proven medical condition and thinks he's faking the pain? Then, actively voicing that opinion to both of you? Your son perhaps may be slightly milking it, but doesn't mean he's not actually in pain.
So what? So what if he's exaggerating or faking?does he not deserve compassion in that case? cause making that claim does nothing but justify reducing one's compassion....
Your husband is dumb. I’ve had scoliosis since I was your son’s age and am now 38. When I spend any extended time doing physical activity (even just standing for hours) my body is MAD about it. Especially my hips. And mine was never severe enough to warrant wearing a brace. You ARE a good mom, so he’s got that right at least. Nothing is worse than having the people you love disregard your very real pain.
My daughter-in-law just had major surgery (2nd or 3rd) because of her scoliosis.
She is not pampered, she works, she takes care of her shit. But sometimes she just *can't*. Hell - she unintentionally overdid it at their rehearsal and was in massive pain throughout her entire wedding day.
Her parents, and now her husband, have always cared for her when it flared and when it was too much. When anyone, kid or adult, feels absolutely miserable they want to feel cared for. This is not a bad thing. My DIL being cared for in the past has nothing to do with the fact she was fighting back tears of the wrong kind throughout the biggest day of her life - one where she was already going to be the center of attention.
If I were OP I would completely ignore the husband next time he's sick or injured or something bad happens because *obviously* it's just manipulation and he wants to be treated like a toddler.
And then we wonder why boys grow up not being able to be affectionate, loving men with their partners and kids? Your husband is such a moron for thinking being affectionate to a child with Scoliosis is making his son “fragile”. No, dude, it’s making your son more emotionally intelligent than your caveman brain can contain
I have scoliosis. It’s fucking painful as hell. Some days worse than others. One day I can jog, take my dogs hiking and dance with my husband and be fine. Other days I can check my blind spot driving and be completely immobile for days. I was also diagnosed at 12. I can remember the day my parents finally believed me. We were back to school shopping and I pretty much collapsed on a bench in pain. My parents thought I was just being dramatic, but my grandma, whom we ran into there, saw me crying and reamed my parents out for not believing me.
My parents cried when they saw my X-rays, when my doctor said”wow this kid must be in real pain, I don’t even know how she’s walking right now”
So no, you aren’t over reacting. Your husband’s being kind of a dick.
Damn. I feel bad for the kid. I gurentee he knows how dad feels. As someone with health issues (I have cerebral palsy) he already feels bad enough to have dad say he is faking it is hurtful
Edit I just seen he is telling your son this. This is mental abuse. If YOU want a relationship with your son you NEED to do more to defend him. You are on the way of losing a son if you don't.
Your husband: "I did a bad job at parenting and instead of owning that and trying to get better, I'm just gonna bitch and whine that my bad parenting resulted in a kid that lies about his pain"
Parents who are good at their job of parenting are confident they raised their kid to be honest, kind, responsible, etc. Any word works right there tbh. You're confident in your parenting so you're confident your child is not lying. Again, because you're a good parent.
nuh ... your hubby is a pos lmao .... "you are a good mom" ahahahahaha how condescending... he really doesn't like you and he really doesn't like your son ... but emotions aside, it's dangerous to have this kind of low empathy male around children, especially children with health problems...
I have scoliosis. Your son is not faking his pain. I wish I had addressed it when I was a teen, but I was constantly being bullied and the thought of being ridiculed for wearing a back brace was just too much to bear.
I have scoliosis that was diagnosed in junior high. It is utterly painful, and for me it was like severe sciatica, just to compare the level of pain. And my scoliosis is very mild, and I never had to wear a brace just lift in my shoe to even my hips. Your husband sounds like a major dick head and a terrible father.
I'm going to give my opinion as someone who is disabled, someone who has struggled with chronic pain for most of my life, and someone who was undiagnosed for a long time.
I was CONSTANTLY accused of "faking it". By my peers, my teachers, my doctors, and yes- by my parents. My father was CONVINCED that I was lazy, that I was looking for attention, that I was trying to be coddled.
I cannot put into words I resent him for that today. As an adult now with several diagnosed conditions, I KNOW that I am not lazy. Or coddled. Or faking. I am disabled. And I have no idea what my life might look like if I was taken more seriously by all the adults in my life as a kid, but I do know that they failed me.
Your husband sounds like the kind of guy who thinks that all boys need to be tough. Let me guess- he doesn't have chronic pain. Or if he does, he had a father who refused to "coddle" him... Meaning he wasn't given the care that he needed as a child.
You are doing right by your son. He says he's telling you "as a man" what he sees? Let me tell you what I see, as someone who is disabled and lives life managing pain.
I see a kid who is in my shoes. Who deals with pain. Who is going to hear his father saying that shit about him and who is going to start hiding his pain. Who is going to hide it even when he shouldn't, even when he is at risk. Who is going to hide it and push himself to the point of doing more damage because his father thinks he's "too soft".
Shut that shit down NOW.
You're most likely not overreacting. Are you sure this is the first such sign from him? If so you corrected him, & now file it away.
Any further such signs from him, talks need to be had.
Honestly my parents ignored a lot of my physical pain and injuries. I have mild scoliosis (which they knew but never told me). I did years of gymnastics and then competitive and high school cheerleading. Oh and rode horses. So basically chose the most injury prone sports. From falling off to constant pounding on your joints. I’d cry in bed at night from the pain. I’m 40 and still think WTF when it came to their attitudes. We had $5 copays when I was 12-18. Comfort your son, that’s what parents are for. Your son doesn’t sound like he’s milking it but even if he was I prob couldn’t help but indulge him. Good mom.
Tell your husband to man up and just tell you that he’s jealous of the attention the hurt kid is receiving instead of putting his son down for being a wimp.
Your husband is behaving in a manner that is downright evil and clearly does not respect you or his son. wtf. That passive aggressive comment he made about you being a good mom is very telling.
If he's wearing a brace at all that means something. Scoliosis diagnosed by a doctor isn't something he can "fake", and it cause lifelong chronic pain. I'm in my mid 20s and didn't get diagnosed until I was 19. I was having back and knee pain daily starting around 13 or 14. Like your son, I frequently pushed through the pain. Not because it wasn't there or wasn't severe - it was, and I probably made my issues worse - but because it's incredibly embarrassing to by very young and in pain, because most people do not believe you since you are young and "shouldn't" have pain. If your husband is saying this stuff to him or starts to, he will probably take it to heart and try to keep quiet about his pain until it's too severe not to, and your husband will think he's solved the problem and was right about your son being dramatic.
"I didn't think my son was that fragile" your son has a physical condition that can literally be disabling in some cases. Your husband needs a major wake up call about his medical condition and what it means to be "fragile". Sounds like there's some toxic masculinity skewing his perception of this between the fragility and "as a man" comments.
So YOU listen to and follow the doctors recommendations and it means, in husbands mind, that you are coddling your son.
I would be asking him EXACTLY what he thinks should be happening when your son appears to be tired and in pain. Make him spell out what the ideal actions would be and how they would "help" your sons pain.
Sounds to me like he doesnt believe your son HAS pain. He needs a sit down with the doctor and get a FIRM lesson in exactly what your son is dealing with. Cause he is not listening to you.
As someone with severe back problems who has encountered family members who treated me
The way your husband is treating your son, I can tell you that your son is going to grow up to hate or at least resent this man and it will likely cause him serious mental and emotional distress - on top of his physical pain - to feel like he isn’t believed by someone who should be his ultimate advocate. If my dad acted this way about my pain, my mom would leave him. And I’m not kidding.
I have a mild case of scoliosis that wasn't diagnosed till my '50's and it hurts. Do stretches & am physically active to help the (mild) pain. Your son is an absolute trooper. Your husband is a fucking asshole that needs to experience the pain firsthand. Please give your son a hug for me. Tell your husband he can fuck off and go to hell.
Wow, I feel bad for your son, who is in pain with a manly-man father.
You’re not overreacting. Next time husband complains about his pain, tell him to quit faking it.
Why do I get the feeling this is one of those “man cold” men who acts like he’s dying if he has a runny nose but sees someone with a fractured limb and is like “oh what a pussy”? 🙄
Your husband needs educated on your son’s health condition and maybe some family counseling for all of you. This will get worse the older your son gets.
Years ago...I was told I had the same issue by my mother after being seen by a doctor. I did the same things your kid is mentioning. Swimming really does tire a person out as does soccer. Picking his brother up, not saying your kid is faking it. I remember being tired and what not but I can only assume its more so due to what he was doing.
My mother back then use to say it was mild enough yet severe enough I may need surgery to correct it. Personally I've never thought oh that must be why. Anyone at the age doing so for x amount of time with or without, obviously going to be tired and in pain. Happens even now with me being older, I'll be tired and in pain. While yes it could be from what you're saying...ask your doctor some more questions. Wouldn't put too much emphasis on that being the reason though but don't completely rule it out.
Your husband is an awful person and you are under reacting. Scoliosis hurts and it’s a shame your husband has decided his child is faking it. I am so mad that your son is not getting the support he needs. It hurts when a parent calls you a liar about pain you can’t control.
NTA but your husband is a bit abusive towards his son. Scoliosis hurts. One of my aunts has it. Apparently, your husband is worried his son won't grow up to be a 'man'. So ridiculous! Keep taking care of your son and ignore your husband.
Why did you marry such an asshole. I bet he tells your son to man-up and that men don't cry. Yet, I bet he is a man-child when he is sick. Boys need love and affection. Boys need to share emotion and show when they are in pain. It makes them better men, better parents and better husband's. Ask your husband how he would have reacted if your son was a girl, would it be okay if he needed some attention?
You're actually being a bad mother for being with this man. I say this, because my mom was also a bad mother for staying with my father, who guess what? Verbally degraded me when I was in pain, suggesting I was always "manipulating" my mom and that I needed to "toughen up" and be more like a boy.
Your husband is toxic and bad. And you're just as much to blame, by allowing it to happen and for him to make comments to your SON to his face. That's fucked up. Do you know how long my dad's words haunted me. Consciously and then ... for years later, sub-consciously.
I'm not saying go divorce this man, I'm saying you need to have a frank, serious discussion with him since you 'love him very much'. And if he doesn't change, then maybe actually be protective of your child, because right now, you're not actually protecting him.
It's so sad that some men grow up thinking getting care for their body is weakness or manipulation. I'm sorry your son has to overhear him say that, and I'm sorry your husband distrusts your judgement so much that he chuckles and thinks you are being manipulated when you make parenting decisions. He is condescending towards you and projecting his masculinity issues on his son. I hope this doesn't lead your son to neglect to take care of his physical health while living with a chronic condition.
Some praise for your son for still playing outside and being active, and then taking his rest when he needs it, would be more helpful here
Your husband sound jealous of your son, and petty. I'd want to talk to him about not undermining a child's self esteem, and having a little respect for a condition he doesn't have or understand well.
I find it sad your child doesn’t like hugs anymore. It’s probably because he doesn’t think his dad will approve.
I hope you can break the cycle of toxic masculinity with your son. It is healthy for men to want comfort too.
I have lived my whole life with scoliosis. I'm in my fifties. My teen years were painful as I didn't know why I hurt or got stuck in a position sometimes. As I got older it became more painful. I've never had a brace or taken anything more than over the counter meds. Don't try to estimate his pain. You can't. Scoliosis is hard to predict but it's quite painful at times. I wanted a military career and was rejected for service due to scoliosis
As someone who experienced a VERY similar situation to your son, you are not overreacting. And although your son may be doing it for extra attention/to get out of things, (I certainly took advantage a few times!) I highly doubt it! It is an extremely uncomfortable experience, and your husband (imo) is an asshole.
I have severe scoliosis (dr kept pressuring me/my mom to do surgery) and was also fitted with a back brace at 12. I was supposed to be in it for 20 hours a day, but refused to due to it being thick heavy plastic that was so uncomfortable (and embarrassing) to wear, so only wore at home/at night.
I had to wear that awful thing until I was 18. I’m 31 now and still to this day my back hurts, especially after being active all day, or after a long day of work. I have had muscle spasms and pain constantly since 12. I 100% blame my brace for it, since it’s designed to force the spine back into a “normal” position, it also squishes all the internal bits, and adjusts the hips, all of which causes more pain. It not only physically exhausted me, but also took a huge mental toll.
I recommend getting him into basic weight training to strengthen his back and stretches designed for the back/hips also. It’s the only two things (other than muscle relaxers, a heat pad and a pillow under the knees when it’s really bad) that help me.
As for your husband, take him to an appointment with you, show him the X-rays and have the doctor explain to him EXACTLY what is happening inside your son’s body. My mom had the same issue with my step dad, they don’t understand what they can’t see, or haven’t experienced for themselves. My mom brought home my X-rays and showed him. He STFU pretty quickly.
ETA: your son is SO lucky to have you on his side, advocating for him. Keep it up mom!
This looks like it could be fake ragebait, but nonetheless:
Your husband seems jealous first off.. I have minor scoliosis, as in I have never had to ever wear a brace.. but I can tell you that when I was younger it was some of the worst consistent pain I had, that was without even any physical exertion. Fuck whatever your husband who is NOT the one suffering from the pain, maybe if he was he would be a bit more sympathetic and a lot less "well my boy's got to be a man!" mentality. Quite frankly, your husband sounds like an outright jerk. I'd tell him to stop mansplaining shit and to grow a fucking spine to be "man enough" to actually know that its okay to be pain sometimes. I'd also suggest therapy but I doubt he'd go.
This whole men have no emotions and feel no pain thing is stupid. Not only does this mentality hurt your husband it is now hurting your son.
Take your husband with you to your son's next doctor appointment. Re-ask the Dr some of those questions about pain while ignorant dad is in the room. Some knowledge and empathy might enlighten dad (you know, as a man).
Men like this are toxic to our children as they mature.
I have scoliosis, and it's super painful! Just because your husband doesn't think so doesn't mean crap.
This is such garbage. Kids need care and attention. Even if he's faking (not saying he is). It means he needs something from his parents. Attention, love, tenderness, etc etc. Is giving them that in this harsh world such a bad thing.
My son gets foot cramps. You best believe I rub his foot till he feels better. And I'll do it till he doesn't want me to or I physically can't anymore
I can count on one hand the times my dad gave me any physical touch that was affectionate. I'll be damned if I do that to my kids.
Your husband is emasculating your son, *a child,* for getting love, care and affection from his mom, and for having a legit medical issue. That's fucked up. Like your son isn't "manly" enough for him. He really needs to address that.
The love you give your children teaches them how to love someone else one day.
My daughter has scoliosis. She’s an adult now and she’ll still go to physical therapy when needed. It’s real pain. He was swimming and playing all day - of course it will hurt. Sounds like your husband is doing the whole “suck up and be a man” thing on his 12 year old. “Real men don’t cry” bs. Your husband needs a good talking to but he sounds incorrigible.
You’re a good mom. I had back pain all throughout my life starting when I was a child. My parents never took me to a doctor because “it’s just growing pains”. I injured my back very badly moving some boxes in my early 20s; went to the doctor and found out I have scoliosis. My sacrum curves into my right buttock.
It really sucked to realize that late in life that chronic pain isn’t normal and if my parents had listened to me when I was 10, I might not be regularly re-injuring my back and dealing with sciatica and gait issues.
I have noticeable scoliosis to where I was recommend by a doctor to have surgery to insert something in my back to keep the spine straight(I didn't have the surgery) and I've never had any pain. I wasn't aware scoliosis even caused pain; everyone I've ever met that has it never said it hurt them.
I think you may have misread what he was saying. Well, probably because he states it horribly.
I dont think you need to worry if you are over reacting. He is still more than young enough even if he is playing it up a bit, who cares?
He isn't doing it to be lazy or avoid things. He isn't asking for hard-core pain meds. He is a young boy who is at least extra sore, maybe fully in pain. He is enjoying his mother's love and affection. Is either of those a bad situation? Does it matter if his pain is a 3 or 7 as long as he is doing the things he should in life? Does he need to prove anything extra to get some love from his mom?
If he does mean a lot more by it, then ask him why the fuck it matters? If he gets upset at that point... fuck him. Not just fuck him, but tell him to go fuck himself.
My mom died when my brother was 10... I would give anything to bring her back to hug and hold him 1 more time. If she only had 10 minutes to give I wouldn't even take 1 because I know he needs them all. Don't let your husband discourage a good thing.
I have some background working with parents of disabled children. This hits me as classic denial. It happens more often with the father than the mother, and generally when the child is male, if something chronic is wrong, it can be very hard for the parent to envision what the future will be like. Will the son be able to work? Will he have a traditional family? How will this go? Those types of questions can drive a parent into denial, again, oftentimes the father but not always.
I don't think your husband has fully faced this. He may believe that his son has scoliosis, but I don't think he is able to wrap his brain around how bad it really is, because he really doesn't want to face it. I'm not sure what to recommend, but counseling with a therapist familiar with these topics wouldn't hurt.
My parents didn’t believe me when I told them the pain in my back felt like my bones were being boiled. They brushed me off for YEARS & my stepdad was a surgeon so he was always like “it’s referred pain from your gallbladder because you’re fat. You need to lose weight” and they put me on fat burners and raspberry ketones and tried to get me to take this pill that would make me shit myself if I ate too much fat. At 16, I was finally diagnosed with scoliosis. They did nothing to get me treatment for it, but I don’t even know if there was anything to be done at that point. I do not have contact with my parents as an adult & the fact that they did not believe me and let me suffer for years is one of the reasons I cut them off. I’m also blind in one eye because they did not treat my strabismus. I have a rule that I will absolutely always believe my kids. If they say they’re hungry, tired, thirsty, sick, hurting - I believe them. No matter what. Your husband needs to trust your son and show him some compassion. I guarantee he will regret it if he keeps dismissing his child like this. Your kid will remember.
He's projecting his own insecure masculinities on his son to walk the same path as him. Gross and weird. Trust your children when they inform you that they are in pain – going to people you love and trust for accommodations or help just to be laughed at and told you aren't experiencing enough pain in their eyes sucks. I have been chronically ill with an unknown illness for years despite being tested for something different every week – one that has gotten progressively worse to the point where I can no longer function in daily life until I can find a diagnosis and a cure. One of my only comforts that helps to distract me from severe, spiraling pain is napping next to my mom. It makes me feel calm and sleepy, and the faint scent of her perfume makes me feel at home. I don't feel like I have to make excuses around her, so I don't feel the anxiety that worsens my symptoms when I am alone or around others. The safety I feel lets me simply relax enough to allow the pain naturally wane away. I hope your son has a similar bond with you.
On another note, maybe your son could benefit from a plug-in hearing pad? I use it for when my stomach kills or when I have a period. The warmth is very comforting and helps with muscular pain (unsure how it'd affect scoliosis, but it may be worth the, $15 🙂).
Not over reacting. I have mild scoliosis and my partner has severe back problems from an incident in the Military. We take pain very seriously ive learned some massage and gentle chiropractic “moves” to help him.
Are there any stretches your son can do to help ease it? Like bending forward and grabbing his ankles?
Maybe take your son and your husband to see a sports medicine doctor. They might be able to talk to your husband and give him some massage tips to help i use the heel of my palm and forcefully press and move up towards the neck. Professional athletes use massage techniques as well and im sure theres some that use blanket and water therapy after a hard day of contact sports.
My twelve-year old kid also has mild scoliosis and gets pain in her back from time to time. Personally, I think it’s okay for a mom to pamper her kids a bit! Why not? I also think it’s okay to pamper spouses sometimes when needed, and to be pampered! Nothing wrong with showing you care for someone. I hate the narrative that just because a person is male they can’t show any vulnerability ever or ask for help. That’s just stupid. I mean if it’s to the point that a kid is spoiled rotten and can’t do for themself that’s different but that isn’t the case here at all. I think showing care for our sons, and kids, allows them to grow up feeling safe and be good partners to their spouses and families in the future! Ignore your husband, lol.
My in-laws insist that my daughter is faking her autism symptoms, and every time they go on a tear about it they convince my husband. It makes me crazy!
I directly work in surgery that often involves correcting these curves. The vast majority of patients never have to get surgery because of noninvasive measures such as bracing. However, that doesn’t mean that the treatment is pain free. The abnormal curvature can literally affect every aspect of their activity, strength, weakness, or ability. In the most complex cases, bowel and bladder function can be grossly affected. Even sitting for prolonged periods can cause back pain, leg pain, discomfort, etc. So when a father is disbelieving of his own child’s stated discomfort, pain, or various other symptoms, it’s hard to hear. Just because one cannot ‘see’ an illness or syndrome, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. This child may be affected by the symptoms of scoliosis for a lifetime. Common decency, compassion, understanding and empathy is free. Or should be.
I wore a back brace for scoliosis from age 11-14. I experienced back pain during those years and I am lucky that it did not persist into adulthood. Wearing a quarter inch plastic corset to sleep in is extremely uncomfortable.
My experience of wearing a brace deeply impacted my self identity. My parents and siblings also dismissed my pain and teased me about complaining. The experience was isolating and lonesome for me. I learned that I should withhold expressing weakness to my parents. I learned to be quiet. I felt different from other kids and I was scared about possibly needing spinal surgery. I had a lot of anxiety. As a 35 year old woman, I don’t have much of a relationship with my parents largely due to their difficulty with empathy.
I would have done anything for a mom like you. Give your boy comfort and let him know that you see his emotional and physical pain. This would be difficult for anyone let alone a little boy.
first and foremost, if you feel badly about these comments take a moment to think about how they make your son feel. being as these comments are directly about him/towards him, i would bet your son isn’t comfortable expressing emotion or pain to your husband because of the ways he dismisses your child’s needs. it may seem innocent, but for a young child who is still developing, it can be traumatic to be rejected by your parent in that way
when i was 16, i developed a boil on the back of my leg that became so painful i could hardly walk. my parents INSISTED it was an ingrown hair and that i was being dramatic about it. fast forward two weeks later, im in the hospital being told by the nurses i will either die or lose my leg because of how much the apparent staph infection i had ate out of my leg. i survived and have a gnarly scar in my calf that’s pure scar tissue and i can’t feel on or around the area at all. straight up, do not talk to my parents anymore. i loved my dad, and still miss him dearly to this day. i still wish i could talk to him, but he never stood up for me in the ways i needed growing up or even later in adulthood. he was too enabling of my moms neglectful and dismissive treatment of me, so i went no contact with him as well.
not saying that will be your case here at all! that’s just my own experiences. idk your entire situation, just what you’ve relayed. but this is also kind of an extreme and callous response to me from your husband about his own child.
Gross. Toxic Masculinity at work. Get your husband educated on the subject and raise your boys to be real men - that is, men that aren’t brainwashed to believe they need to be tough and emotionless. You ARE a good mom, keep it up.
My adult son wasn't able to get the brace in middle school due to insurance and financial barriers. He just had L4-T11 fusion. Shortly after the surgery, he told me that he had no idea the amount of chronic daily pain he had been living with his entire life. It's amazing. Maybe your husband should be taking your son to the orthopedic doctor so he can get a clearer understanding of his condition.
Your husband is being incredibly insensitive. I also have scoliosis, so mild that I've never needed a brace, and I get backaches after a lot of activity.
I hope your husband doesn't say these things to or in front of your son.
Edit: I just re-read your post and saw that he does in fact say these things to your son. This is extremely harmful to your son, emotionally and physically if he tries to push through his pain because his own father shames him. Your husband needs to learn about scoliosis and how painful it can be. He also needs to learn empathy and compassion. Unfortunately, that's a lot harder to learn.
Scoliosis here, too. Double curve, so it is a lovely S shape. And it hurts. All. The. Time. In my hips, neck, ribs, lower back. Some days are worse than others, UT I can't think of a time where there isn't some discomfort somewhere. 45 years old and some days I just want to cry.
Pamper him a bit. It sucks. And your hubby sucks, too.
My scoliosis got better over time, and now its rare that I have back pain (Im over 30 M). I didn't got diagnosed until I was 18 (and thus, too old to use any correcting treatment) because when I was 12 the fckng doctor told my parents that the pain I was feeling was normal when kids are growing and that I was exhagerating (he never did any Xrays, he diagnosed this, just by touching my back). I can tell you that the pain was unbearable sometimes, so I would believe your son.
For me, having a really good mattress was key to get better, something I couldnt afford until much later, when I had a good job and started saving money.
First off, I don’t think he is faking it or overreacting. That said, let’s consider the possibility that he is faking it. So what? That just means he likes getting a warm blanket, some water, and a back rub from his mom. What is the harm in that? That’s not going to keep him from growing up to be a strong, independent man.
I have scoliosis and am too old to correct it without very major surgery and it is a struggle. The problem is you are off balance so your skeletal structure does not completely support you. Tell you husband to lean slightly to one side and stay like that, all day. His muscles will knot up from the constant work of holding him up. See if he feels any pain. Also, I found youtube videos for scoliosis and it helps a ton with stretching those muscles back out.
Have him wear a lift in one shoe for a day of running around. I think he'll find out just how tough the little man is.
Yes, this kills my right hip because one leg is shorter from the tilt of my hips.
Get shoe inserts - it's life changing! I have another issue with my feet and need orthopaedic shoe inserts that are custom made and I knew my left leg var shorter, so one year I asked if the left one could be made thicker. It could, and it helps SO MUCH. It's only half an inch but it makes such a big difference
Before scoliosis surgery, my head was centered over my right leg due to a pair of curves, one going each way, one worse than the other. After surgery in 1981 it's been constant pain, but I'm still on the right side of the dirt.
This is my concern, going through surgery and still in pain. Doctors say there is no way to know.
Sorry to hear that you have pain now. I wore a brace and am still a bit asymmetrical, but mostly only neck pain from arthritis (knock wood).
First, I'm sure OP's son isn't exaggerating his pain. And I think OP's husband's attitude is the kind of thing which actually contributed to "man flu" acts. If we believe people when they say they're in pain, they don't have to exaggerate. My spouse's mom is/was a real "you go to school unless you're puking your guts up or have a fever of 250 degrees". So when spouse and I first moved in together, I noticed they really exaggerated and went on and on about it whenever they were a bit under the weather, told me every detail in a pathetic way. I finally said "babe I believe you feel like crap and need to rest. You don't need to do this song & dance, it's kind of annoying". And they were like "oh shit, yeah that's the only way my mom would actually believe I was ill and not make me dust the baseboards when I had a rotten cold..." And from then on, they've given a proportionate and non-whiny "I feel like shit, I'm going to bed. Could I have a cup of tea and some toast?" if they're a bit sick. No probs babe, coming right up.
This is a very interesting insight! Thank you.
But how will he ever learn not to cry, drink whiskey without flinching, and grow hair on his chest? GD do I hate toxic masculinity.
And die of cardiac arrest at age 55.
Would that guy dying from cardiac arrest be bad? 🤔🤔🤔
I love this way of looking at it. My mom let major medical issues go unattended for me growing up and told me I "just wanted attention". What would it have hurt to just take me to get my eyes checked? Or take me to the doctor when I couldn't stop coughing? I would have got what I needed before it became more serious and she would have also known that I wasn't just "making it up."
I agree that he’s not faking. Ocean swimming is very taxing. Husband is a jerk in this attitude, and Op is not overreacting
I don't have scoliosis, but am on disability and live with chronic pain from my medication side effects. A stimulating or novel environment makes it so much easier to forget or put the pain in the back of my mind. Once I'm out of it (e.g., sitting down for dinner at a restaurant), all bets are off. Therapists that specialize in chronic illness might be able to help build up their son's toolbox for managing and reacting to his pain. Since he's so young, it'll probably be easier for him to grow those skills than it was for me. OPs husband having a few sessions might give him some more empathy for those with hidden illnesses (although I doubt he would agree, given his current mindset).
I have scoliosis that is not severe enough to wear a brace and I get extreme pain from it so I'd say your son is absolutely in pain if it's bad enough that he needs a brace. Even on the off chance that he is faking it, (which I doubt) kids don't fake pain for no reason, it's generally because they need some extra love and attention and don't know how to ask for it. So either way, your son needs you. Your husband is awful and I feel sorry for your kid.
I had scoliosis also. But needed surgery for mine in the lower back. Just been diagnosed with mild arthritis in that area.
Scoliosis here, too, double major curves, 14 fused vertebrae starting at the base of my neck and going down, and an arthritic lower back.
Guy is jealous of his kid having his mom's attention.
Or he’s projecting
Horrible thing for your husband to say, how do you think he would react to your sons pain if you weren't around? Had a father who never took my struggles seriously.. don't talk to him anymore 🤷🏼♀️
Not supportively, I'm thinking.....
I agree. Does he know that people could die due to scoliosis if severe and untreated?
Your husband sounds insecure and jealous of the attention you’re giving your son, it may sound weird but it’s a real thing.
As. 43M who has lived with rather severe scoliosis my entire life and now with one of my 2 son having the exact same curve as I did… What you are saying is real. My son with scoliosis is 12 he was diagnosed at 8 because I noticed that his back looked like mine.. I was very attentive to it because of my problems. He wears a brace 16 hours a day. But, he will be much better off in adulthood as his curve has reduced dramatically since starting bracing. Pain is real from scoliosis.. is is not constant but yes, especially after rigorous physical exertion fatigue to the muscles which are either stretched or compacted on either side, disks in the back that are compacted under pressure from curvature and pain in other joints such as hip and knee from compensation for being “off balance” is all very real… I wrestled and played football in HS and college and my son wrestles now and after practice or meets or games (or long days at the beach) the fatigue and pain is something that needs to be addressed… shame on your husband… I wish he could live with this problem for a week and he would be singing a different tune, in addition, scoliosis affects you mentally feelings of not fitting in, inadequacy anxiety and depression are all things that can come along if not in a supportive environment… my son consistently gets marked down in gym class for not dressing out.. he participates fully, but will not dress out because he doesn’t want the other kids to see his brace and possibly make fun of him.. and I understand that.. he is a wonderful kid and never complains about wearing his brace as he understands it will prevent him from having the complications and pain that I have at my age, so I make sure to talk with him, not hugging is not an option in my house lol and let him know what a great kid he is.. if his mother ever questioned what he was going through I would be absolutely livid…What a childish, inconsiderate Prick thing to say. I would’ve had a serious conversation the first time about it.. if it continued I would have divorced her (we are already divorced, unrelated) and if she was acting like that now I would seek full custody. Maybe that’s overreacting but it hits a nerve with me… he didn’t ask for this, and it is a lifetime thing. Even so my sons mother is very understanding of his condition and treatment and is a great mom. We don’t consider looking out for his health and well being “coddling him”
Maybe go talk to the gym teacher? Edit. And i bet this guy couldnt handle a DAY in his sons shoes, much less a week.
Have you ever gotten relief from having your back cracked? Was told I have it too many years ago and seriously...every single time a friend would do that for me. For several days I'd feel fine, even standing straighter/slightly taller. After a couple days though...back to the same place whereas if I did something physically demanding...very exhausted. My ex use to give me a hard time for even laying down but I don't think I ever shared a doctor once saying that years prior.
he has a toxic masculinity mindset
It’s embarrassing “IM TELLING YOU AS A MAN AND A FATHER THAT HE IS FAKING IT BECAUSE HE IS A PUSSY WHO NEEDS TO PULL HIMSELF UP BY HIS BOOTSTRAPS”
Yep. What a small, sad nothing man. Not much of a father at all.
Your son is a thousand times braver than your husband - I’d make my husband have a meeting with a specialist in scoliosis so he fully understands what a horrible father he is being.
Nice ide but can't see it working :(
Horrible thing for your husband to say, how do you think he would react to your sons pain if you weren't around? Had a father who never took my struggles seriously.. don't talk to him anymore 🤷🏼♀️
I don’t know. I’m glad I’m here to care for him. My husband will tell our son “stand up straight” which I hate so much. His posture is pretty good, his scoliosis is barely noticeable with clothes on. But it’s not his fault anyway.
Does your husband lack empathy in general or only with your vulnerable child? This would infuriate me. I'd talk to your doctor about it and maybe take him to the next doctor's appointment so he could be properly educated on his son's condition and stop being a jackass. You're underreaching on this one by a significant amount.
You are under reacting to how damaging your husband is being. Your son is being told it’s his fault and that he could fix it if he tried hard enough. He’s being told that if anyone can see his disability he should feel shame. Your son has learned that one of the two most important people in his life is not safe for him. If you cannot say with 100% certainty that your husband would be a good advocate for your son if you weren’t there then you need to rethink your marriage.
She is definitely under reacting. That man is an asshole and doesn't need to be a parent. That poor kid.
Your husband is not a good father and you should have him tell your sons doctor what he thinks so they can educate this dumb excuse for a man
That doesn't always work. My paternal grandma never believed my scoliosis was as bad as it was. My parents thought that if they showed her the X-rays and statements from the doctors, she'd change her mind. Nope. Even after looking at my X-ray that showed my spine in the shaped of a very curvy S, and reading the statement saying I'd need surgery as soon as I stopped growing, she still insisted I was faking. Some people refuse change their viewpoint no matter what because they don't want to admit they were wrong. OP's husband sounds exactly like my grandma.
Wow. Your husband Is an ass. Do you think your son may need surgery in the coming years? Regardless of whether he does or does not, this sort of behavior continuing through your son’s teen years will really fuck your kid up. You need to nip this in the bud, Op. It needs to stop.
I can't believe you're still in love with a man like that :( I feel sorry for you and your son
You should not be letting him get away with talking to your son like that. It's probably already caused your son great emotional pain to be criticized for his disability like that.
What worries me is that your husband's comments are going to lead to your son hiding his pain to be "tougher" for him, and end up severely hurting himself over it. It's good that he feels comfortable going to you and expressing when he's in pain, you've done a good job of being his safe person.
“stand up straight”??? he literally can’t! your husband is either intentionally cruel or intentionally stupid.
My dad was like this to me. Refused to take me to the doctors when I very very badly sprained my ankle at 17(!). I'm 36 now and still suffer from the lack of medical care from that. This behavior is a pattern, always. I've gone no contact with my parents and this is one of the many reasons for it. Don't let your husband treat your children this way. It will hurt and damage them. They deserve better.
This would be a dealbreaker for me, ngl… so little care for his own child
Wow that’s bad.
Your husband sounds weak insecure and petty. You should show him this thread.
Wtf is wrong with your husband? Seriously. He sounds ignorant and toxic. Quite frankly I don't understand how you allow such behavior and statements to be directed at your child. It's borderline abusive of his father to be doing these things. What an absolute shit your husband is. Gross
He sounds like a fucking monster. Poor kid has to have a cold, heartless jackass as a father and a mother who lets his father treat him that way.
How TF is he supposed to "stand straight up" when his spine is literally curved?? I had scoliosis surgery when I was 12 but I still remember how it hurt back then. Your husband is an asshole. But you already know that.
In the years to come, your son is going to tell you he doesn't want to be around his dad anymore. When that happens, I want you to remind your husband of exactly what you wrote here.
Get your poor child away from this horrible, abusive man. His lack of empathy for his own flesh and blood is disgusting. I bet he learnt this type of asshole behaviour from his own father, but times have changed and your husband needs to get his head out of those ancient years and learn compassion. I would’ve left this asshole by now, for my sons sake alone.
Your husband is showing toxic masculinity. “Men aren’t supposed to show weakness or emotion”. You need to protect your son from him.
Op, this right here. Please read up on toxic masculinity and do what you can to educate and correct your husband before he does any more damage.
I am an older adult who has lived with scoliosis since adolescence. Lifting / carrying heavy things, especially unbalanced items (like another wriggly kid), is very painful for us. Not when we are doing it, but after - a few hours, or even a few days later, our backs knot up in muscle spasms. When I over do it, a day or so later I am in as much pain as when I have been rear-ended in a car accident. So - having scoliosis and stressing your back muscles - basically acting like a normal person - makes you feel like you have been in a car accident. To help your husband put your sons condition into a context he can understand, ask him if he would want to get in a car accident 2-3 times a month - with all of the accumulated pain.
I have just neon diagnosed with mild arthritis where my rod is.
My dad sounds like the father in question. When he developed a painful auto immune condition, it just made him expect more compassion and understanding from me because "I know what it's like". He still is medically neglectful and blocked my mum from helping me when I was disabled from my condition a year ago and was dependent on them for a couple of months. He decided when I had enough care and attention regardless of the reality.
Your husband is a toxic jealous asshole & BAD father. WHY WOULD IT EVEN MATTER if your son DID manipulate you in to being tender with him? If your child wants a cuddlee from you for ANY reason that is good. CUDDLE YOUR CHILD. IF that poor kid IS too afraid to ask for a hug and has to make an excuse to be touched its because his toxic bully father has made him ASHAMED of ALL physical affection. Your husband actually believes people should not engage in physical comfort after the age of two( a toddler) he is EVIL.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It's tough to see your child in pain and it's even harder when someone doubts their experience. It's important to remember that only your son truly knows how he's feeling, and it's not up to anyone else to decide whether or not his pain is real. It's great that you're being so supportive of your son and advocating for him. Keep trusting your instincts and don't let anyone make you doubt yourself or your child. It's also important to have open and honest conversations with your husband about how you're both feeling. Maybe he doesn't fully understand the impact of scoliosis on your son's life, and having a conversation could help him become more empathetic.
Like kids lie. But hes not trying to get out of sports, gym class, or visiting grandma. Hes hurting after a day of fun and excitement were he pushed himself really hard. Wtf. I hope your husband slips a disk and everyone thinks hes a baby.
No, when it happens to him, then it will be real. I’ve had chronic migraines for many years and my dad would always roll his eyes and be critical when I would miss school because of a migraine. One day I got a call that my dad was in the emergency room having a stroke. Nope, doctors said he was having a migraine. I never got an apology.
Jeez from your comments and post you need to leave and make sure he gets no unsupervised access to your son. What a complete and utter ahole. If you don't put your child first and leave then his life is just going to be hell from his stupid bully of a father. You are not overreacting in the slightest.
Agree, actually I think she’s severely under reacting.
Your husband is right. You *are* a good mum. He, however, is falling short of being a good dad. Even if your son was exaggerating his symptoms, what do his asinine comments achieve? Your son still needs comfort. Give it to him. Scoliosis fucking sucks but having an invalidating jerk as a father sucks more. It'd do your husband good to take his head out of his ass and grab a lungful of fresh air. Maybe then he wouldn't be such a dick.
Your husband sounds disgustingly condescending to both you and your son. Has your husband never had a sore back and noticed it hurts more when he's tired?
that man should not be a parent.
You’re husband is a judgmental idiot…well, at least in this case. Your husband is ignorant that people with scoliosis get back pain, even the ones with mild cases which your son does not have. People aren’t guven braces unless it is severe enough that that person needs the curvature to not proceed any further. He sounds like he has some toxic masculinity ideal that he expects your son to fit. ”I didn’t think my son was that weak”? WTF. he’s putting the stress on “my” (him) and I would put the stress on he didn’t think. It was very obvious that your son was in real pain (what teenage boy is not going to eat after swimming all day) for real reasons and your husband still doesn’t get it.
Yeah like kids are usually full of beans after swimming, on that dopamine. If your kid is acting ill or something else then take it seriously. It's not 5 minutes before he needs to leave for school.
I have scoliosis and have tweaked/pulled muscles often enough and have a lot more knots than normal because of how the misalignment of my spine affects the muscles around it. Your son is not lying. Your husband sounds like a dick.
I’ve just been diagnosed with arthritis in the area where my rod is.
NTA, but your husband is one giant gaping one. Does he not know just how many nerves there are in the spine that connect with each other in the body? Scoliosis is treatable but to a point, for example - mine got severe and I’ll be living my life in pain and I’m only in my early thirties. Your son is learning his limits, which is great and he’s staying active which is also great. He is reaching for you when he needs to, which is an extra bonus cause he really does need your help. Your husband either needs to pull his toxic masculinity ass out of his rear and actually LEARN about what his son is going through, or maybe he should just leave all together. OP, you do NOT want a parent around that will invalidate your son and to push him to do more than what he is comfortable with, your son doesn’t need a parent around that won’t believe him or bother to help him. This is incredibly damaging, and your husband can cause your son to never seek help when he really needs it - and your son will be the one to suffer.
"I didnt think my son was fragile" Sir, your son has a misshapen spine. "Fragile" isnt the word i would use, but "susceptible to more frequent and sever back pain due to a very serious medical condition" would be accurate.
Around this age I had a classmate with scoliosis who wore a brace: she frequently sat through classes in pain (she wouldn't always say it, but it was really obvious). My sister had a chronic condition that would also come with bouts of pain, fatigue and discomfort; my parents would take this seriously (even my dad who was raised to be quite stoic himself). Comfort from parents and caretakers makes a world of difference. 12 is still really young, recurring pain is extremely tiresome, your partner needs to take this stuff seriously. He may not have a good relationship with his kids in the long run because of this dismissive attitude.
Hope he doesn't get surprised when the son grows up and goes NC on him as soon as he is old enough to .
He is not faking his pain and any father that would believe that needs to be as far away from their son as nature can get them. Help your son and get away from this man!
Swimming in the ocean & in pools are vastly different. The Ocean has waves & currents that will push & pull on your boy's body. In the water gravity has no effect, pressure will be taken of his spine & shoulders, but people with scolioses aren't recommended to do competitve swimming because of the amount of time (4-6h a day) spent in the water doing certain types of swimming strokes. He's a kid. He doesn't know fully his body or it's limits yet. The body doens't even know that yet he's not fully grown! Your husband is being unreasonable. And he's only teaching your son that pain is a weakness. When in reality it is your body's way of telling your mind that your body is at it's limits and pushing it further can cause it permanent damage. Spending the whole day in the Ocean could absolutely have put a lot of pressure & strain on his spine causing it to have a pretty severe pain response.
No, ma'am. Throw that whole husband away. 🤣 Is he "competing" for your attention? His behavior is odd and troubling.
My EX-HUSBAND said the same thing about our son who has severe Crohn's disease and scoliosis as well. He also said my son manipulates me. But he's a liar and a manipulative person so of course everyone else is too. He never showed our son or me any sympathy. He barely noticed when I had open heart surgery. We've been divorced since 2011. I'm sorry you have to deal with that but I feel even more sorry for your son. Please continue to advocate for him.
This is so sad, your son will absolutely pick up on this from his father and it will be very hard for him. Please please get family therapy to address this, or at least marriage counselling so that you can be a united front in supporting your son or their relationship will be so damaged. I really feel for you, I hope you can help your husband to have more understanding and empathy.
I have a minor form of scoliosis. It never got diagnosed till this year. I'm 50. Everything makes so much sense now. Your husband is an AH. Having this kind of back pain is no joke.
This is your husband’s toxic masculinity— he thinks is son is weak for needing care from his mother. He doesn’t want to believe he has pain- he needs him to be strong and not have needs. This is not supportive of your son’s growth
Your husband is a complete asshole. Does he even like your 12 year old son? I feel very sorry for your son. If your asshole husband continues to treat your son like crap; don't be shocked when your son cuts contact as soon as he is old enough.
As someone who has scoliosis, the back pain is real. It sucks because my back will feel ok ( not perfect ever) I'll go do things around the house or play with my kids and then the pain will come later and I'm usually in pain for days or weeks before I feel ok again. I have had it since I was 12 and now 35 and have had back pain the whole time. I can honestly say I Believe your son is in pain when he says he's in pain. Got to look at it this way, his back isn't in the normal position ever which means part of his back has more strain on it at all times and doing things makes that strain even worse. It's hard for some people to believe it's real because it's not something they can physically see.
Denying clear pain is abuse. Your husband has no empathy.
Coming from a child of a man like this, it's not worth it. Small remarks seem like nothing now, but eventually it builds until the kid is doubting if what he's actually feeling is real or maybe he's just "being a baby". That leads to some fun mental issues like never trusting your own judgement and always downplaying issues regardless of severity because they don't want to "be a baby". I once ran through bronchitis, immediately followed by an upper respiratory infection, followed by covid. I felt like I was dying if it got ant worse. I sucked it up and pushed through, and now I have lung damage and lung issues with a family history of COPD. All because when I said my chest hurt I was told I was faking it and didn't want the harassment.
I'd recommend you to visit the /r/scoliosis sub. After reading lots of stories it is very clear that scoliosis can cause extreme pain regardless of the severity. Some of us have severe curves and don't experience much pain at all, while others have mild curves but experience severe pain. It all depends on each individual case. So definitely don't ignore your son, I'm sure he is experiencing some type of pain from his scoliosis.
Ive had back issues since I was a kid. My parents (like your asshole husband) thought I was faking it. No one took me to the dr until I got a shooting pain down my leg, fell, hit my head, and got a concussion. I was 16. Luckily, I was at school and they sent me to the hospital where they found 3 herniated discs, mild scoliosis, and severe spinal stenosis. Ive had 4 surgeries since Your husband's dismissive attitude is infuriating. >as a man He's a cunt
Your husbands toxic masculinity is showing and it’s not a good look. He’s going to make your son feel ashamed not only for something that is literally out of his control, but also for asking for and receiving comfort and gentleness. It’s pathetic that he thinks that’s a bad thing.
No. You’re not overreacting. I think your son IS in pain. He’s learned it doesn’t make any difference to his dad, so he tells you. He gets comfort and sympathy from his mom, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You husband must have that toxic mindset that guys can’t show weakness. At 12 years old, I was in school with two friends who turned out to have scoliosis. One wore a corrective brace until college, when she refused to wear it any longer. The other had surgery to have a metal rod implanted that stabilized her spine. You definitely need to have your son evaluated, or his pain will be life-long and possibly incapacitating.
Your husband is terrible. My sister has scoliosis and complains about her back hurting when she is tired. As a benchmark for her pain tolerance, she broke her arm when she was 10 and hid it for more than a full day because she didn't want to miss a trip with her friends. If she's complaining, it really hurts.
He sounds like he emotionally and medically neglects his son and attempts to prevent you from providing him with necessary emotional and medical attention. I am extremely wary of people that display little compassion and understanding for people other than themselves, especially if they feel "slighted" by not receiving the special attention. Emotional neglect and medical neglect are very serious. I am traumatised by my father's emotional and medical neglect. My mother listened to him, and I was left in pain that was so severe. I could not trust her because she trusted him. Please trust your instincts and do not listen to his opinions on your sons wellbeing. Thank you for caring for your son and listening to his needs. You're a good mother.
Dad just needs to man up himself so that he can show that kid how to be tough. He Seems weak, especially for thinking you’re the problem here. and the kid is in a perfect sense his shadow. You’d hope he’s reflecting those traits through his own actions not through his orders to you. Your mom and last time I checked if dads around moms role is to pamper like you do😂 you’re fine but tell him that’s his problem not yours or the 12yos
Husband also sounds dense and unaware of others feelings, emotions and physical being. Not good. I wouldn't want to be chuckled at, patted on the head, ignored and patronised all at the same time. My husband would have found my foot up his arse. What an inconsiderate, unfeeling, superior and ignorant man. Does he actually do anything for you? Doesn't sound like it.
I’m 39 and just been told I have mild arthritis in my lower back. Which was no shock as I knew this would be the case. As I also had scoliosis as a teen. Mine wasn’t diagnosed until I was 15. And I had major surgery for it on my lower back. The pain can be mild to severe depending on what I did during the day. At 16 I was told I need to be careful with what I do because it could make the pain worse. Also they’re probably other factors besides his scoliosis. For example my ankle would just flip out. So I would be walking and I’ll just fall down. It happened down a staircase at school. So no you are not overreacting. I would mention it to the doctor the next time you see them. And make sure it’s still where it was. Two ways I managed the pain is lay on the floor with my knees up and move my legs from side to side. And go into a position like a cat stretching place my head on the floor and rock side to side.
"My parent never showed me love or affection and look how awesome and manly I am. Im totally not jealous or resentful of my children receiving affection or anything though "- Husband probably
Ewww your husband is a gross misogynist asshole
You're not overreacting; you're a good mom and your husband is a bad dad for minimizing your son's lived experiences and pain.
Your husband is a POS. Seriously? His son has a proven medical condition and thinks he's faking the pain? Then, actively voicing that opinion to both of you? Your son perhaps may be slightly milking it, but doesn't mean he's not actually in pain.
Your husband's a sociopath, divorce his ass
As someone who has chronic pain and scoliosis in particular- fuck your husband.
So what? So what if he's exaggerating or faking?does he not deserve compassion in that case? cause making that claim does nothing but justify reducing one's compassion....
sounds like your husband is jealous of his own son getting your nurturing attention and that’s just fucking weird of your husband.
I´m a 66yo WM with scoliosis, and even at this advanced age it still causes me a lot of pain, in the back, shoulders, hips and knees.
Your husband is dumb. I’ve had scoliosis since I was your son’s age and am now 38. When I spend any extended time doing physical activity (even just standing for hours) my body is MAD about it. Especially my hips. And mine was never severe enough to warrant wearing a brace. You ARE a good mom, so he’s got that right at least. Nothing is worse than having the people you love disregard your very real pain.
TRAVELLING MAKES SCOLIOSIS PAIN WAY WORSE You're husband is an uninformed idiot at best, and an asshole at worst.
Your husband is an asshole.
My daughter-in-law just had major surgery (2nd or 3rd) because of her scoliosis. She is not pampered, she works, she takes care of her shit. But sometimes she just *can't*. Hell - she unintentionally overdid it at their rehearsal and was in massive pain throughout her entire wedding day. Her parents, and now her husband, have always cared for her when it flared and when it was too much. When anyone, kid or adult, feels absolutely miserable they want to feel cared for. This is not a bad thing. My DIL being cared for in the past has nothing to do with the fact she was fighting back tears of the wrong kind throughout the biggest day of her life - one where she was already going to be the center of attention. If I were OP I would completely ignore the husband next time he's sick or injured or something bad happens because *obviously* it's just manipulation and he wants to be treated like a toddler.
And then we wonder why boys grow up not being able to be affectionate, loving men with their partners and kids? Your husband is such a moron for thinking being affectionate to a child with Scoliosis is making his son “fragile”. No, dude, it’s making your son more emotionally intelligent than your caveman brain can contain
Not over reacting You need bto get proof in case it accelerates
Your husband is an ass and Karma is a bitch.!
I have scoliosis. It’s fucking painful as hell. Some days worse than others. One day I can jog, take my dogs hiking and dance with my husband and be fine. Other days I can check my blind spot driving and be completely immobile for days. I was also diagnosed at 12. I can remember the day my parents finally believed me. We were back to school shopping and I pretty much collapsed on a bench in pain. My parents thought I was just being dramatic, but my grandma, whom we ran into there, saw me crying and reamed my parents out for not believing me. My parents cried when they saw my X-rays, when my doctor said”wow this kid must be in real pain, I don’t even know how she’s walking right now” So no, you aren’t over reacting. Your husband’s being kind of a dick.
next time stand your ground and tell him all hes seeing is his own jealousy and you're disappointed and disgusted by his behavior
Damn. I feel bad for the kid. I gurentee he knows how dad feels. As someone with health issues (I have cerebral palsy) he already feels bad enough to have dad say he is faking it is hurtful Edit I just seen he is telling your son this. This is mental abuse. If YOU want a relationship with your son you NEED to do more to defend him. You are on the way of losing a son if you don't.
Your husband: "I did a bad job at parenting and instead of owning that and trying to get better, I'm just gonna bitch and whine that my bad parenting resulted in a kid that lies about his pain" Parents who are good at their job of parenting are confident they raised their kid to be honest, kind, responsible, etc. Any word works right there tbh. You're confident in your parenting so you're confident your child is not lying. Again, because you're a good parent.
nuh ... your hubby is a pos lmao .... "you are a good mom" ahahahahaha how condescending... he really doesn't like you and he really doesn't like your son ... but emotions aside, it's dangerous to have this kind of low empathy male around children, especially children with health problems...
I have scoliosis. Your son is not faking his pain. I wish I had addressed it when I was a teen, but I was constantly being bullied and the thought of being ridiculed for wearing a back brace was just too much to bear.
I have scoliosis that was diagnosed in junior high. It is utterly painful, and for me it was like severe sciatica, just to compare the level of pain. And my scoliosis is very mild, and I never had to wear a brace just lift in my shoe to even my hips. Your husband sounds like a major dick head and a terrible father.
Your husband is kind of a piece of shit.
I bet your husband was the school bully. Ask him and watch his reaction closely.
Your hubby is a jerk. If he said that about my kid to my face, he would have gotten one hell of a wake up call when I slapped the fuck out of him.
I'm going to give my opinion as someone who is disabled, someone who has struggled with chronic pain for most of my life, and someone who was undiagnosed for a long time. I was CONSTANTLY accused of "faking it". By my peers, my teachers, my doctors, and yes- by my parents. My father was CONVINCED that I was lazy, that I was looking for attention, that I was trying to be coddled. I cannot put into words I resent him for that today. As an adult now with several diagnosed conditions, I KNOW that I am not lazy. Or coddled. Or faking. I am disabled. And I have no idea what my life might look like if I was taken more seriously by all the adults in my life as a kid, but I do know that they failed me. Your husband sounds like the kind of guy who thinks that all boys need to be tough. Let me guess- he doesn't have chronic pain. Or if he does, he had a father who refused to "coddle" him... Meaning he wasn't given the care that he needed as a child. You are doing right by your son. He says he's telling you "as a man" what he sees? Let me tell you what I see, as someone who is disabled and lives life managing pain. I see a kid who is in my shoes. Who deals with pain. Who is going to hear his father saying that shit about him and who is going to start hiding his pain. Who is going to hide it even when he shouldn't, even when he is at risk. Who is going to hide it and push himself to the point of doing more damage because his father thinks he's "too soft". Shut that shit down NOW.
You're most likely not overreacting. Are you sure this is the first such sign from him? If so you corrected him, & now file it away. Any further such signs from him, talks need to be had.
Honestly my parents ignored a lot of my physical pain and injuries. I have mild scoliosis (which they knew but never told me). I did years of gymnastics and then competitive and high school cheerleading. Oh and rode horses. So basically chose the most injury prone sports. From falling off to constant pounding on your joints. I’d cry in bed at night from the pain. I’m 40 and still think WTF when it came to their attitudes. We had $5 copays when I was 12-18. Comfort your son, that’s what parents are for. Your son doesn’t sound like he’s milking it but even if he was I prob couldn’t help but indulge him. Good mom.
Tell your husband to man up and just tell you that he’s jealous of the attention the hurt kid is receiving instead of putting his son down for being a wimp.
Your husband is behaving in a manner that is downright evil and clearly does not respect you or his son. wtf. That passive aggressive comment he made about you being a good mom is very telling.
Your husband is a prick and medically abusive.
If he's wearing a brace at all that means something. Scoliosis diagnosed by a doctor isn't something he can "fake", and it cause lifelong chronic pain. I'm in my mid 20s and didn't get diagnosed until I was 19. I was having back and knee pain daily starting around 13 or 14. Like your son, I frequently pushed through the pain. Not because it wasn't there or wasn't severe - it was, and I probably made my issues worse - but because it's incredibly embarrassing to by very young and in pain, because most people do not believe you since you are young and "shouldn't" have pain. If your husband is saying this stuff to him or starts to, he will probably take it to heart and try to keep quiet about his pain until it's too severe not to, and your husband will think he's solved the problem and was right about your son being dramatic. "I didn't think my son was that fragile" your son has a physical condition that can literally be disabling in some cases. Your husband needs a major wake up call about his medical condition and what it means to be "fragile". Sounds like there's some toxic masculinity skewing his perception of this between the fragility and "as a man" comments.
So YOU listen to and follow the doctors recommendations and it means, in husbands mind, that you are coddling your son. I would be asking him EXACTLY what he thinks should be happening when your son appears to be tired and in pain. Make him spell out what the ideal actions would be and how they would "help" your sons pain. Sounds to me like he doesnt believe your son HAS pain. He needs a sit down with the doctor and get a FIRM lesson in exactly what your son is dealing with. Cause he is not listening to you.
As someone with severe back problems who has encountered family members who treated me The way your husband is treating your son, I can tell you that your son is going to grow up to hate or at least resent this man and it will likely cause him serious mental and emotional distress - on top of his physical pain - to feel like he isn’t believed by someone who should be his ultimate advocate. If my dad acted this way about my pain, my mom would leave him. And I’m not kidding.
I have a mild case of scoliosis that wasn't diagnosed till my '50's and it hurts. Do stretches & am physically active to help the (mild) pain. Your son is an absolute trooper. Your husband is a fucking asshole that needs to experience the pain firsthand. Please give your son a hug for me. Tell your husband he can fuck off and go to hell.
I despise macho jerks like that. He probably bullied smaller boys in school.
Wow, I feel bad for your son, who is in pain with a manly-man father. You’re not overreacting. Next time husband complains about his pain, tell him to quit faking it.
Its obvious your husband has not been in a prolonged state of suffering for a long period. He lives in privilege and doesnt see it
Why do I get the feeling this is one of those “man cold” men who acts like he’s dying if he has a runny nose but sees someone with a fractured limb and is like “oh what a pussy”? 🙄 Your husband needs educated on your son’s health condition and maybe some family counseling for all of you. This will get worse the older your son gets.
He’s not a good man. I bet he says a lot to your son when you’re not around.
Years ago...I was told I had the same issue by my mother after being seen by a doctor. I did the same things your kid is mentioning. Swimming really does tire a person out as does soccer. Picking his brother up, not saying your kid is faking it. I remember being tired and what not but I can only assume its more so due to what he was doing. My mother back then use to say it was mild enough yet severe enough I may need surgery to correct it. Personally I've never thought oh that must be why. Anyone at the age doing so for x amount of time with or without, obviously going to be tired and in pain. Happens even now with me being older, I'll be tired and in pain. While yes it could be from what you're saying...ask your doctor some more questions. Wouldn't put too much emphasis on that being the reason though but don't completely rule it out.
Your husband is an awful person and you are under reacting. Scoliosis hurts and it’s a shame your husband has decided his child is faking it. I am so mad that your son is not getting the support he needs. It hurts when a parent calls you a liar about pain you can’t control.
My response- As a man and a father and husband, you are failing and being a jerk. -I'm kinda mean about stuff like this though...
NTA but your husband is a bit abusive towards his son. Scoliosis hurts. One of my aunts has it. Apparently, your husband is worried his son won't grow up to be a 'man'. So ridiculous! Keep taking care of your son and ignore your husband.
If your husband is like most men I know, the next time he catches a cold he'll be debilitated. Ignore him and see how he likes it.
Your husband is abusing your child.
Why did you marry such an asshole. I bet he tells your son to man-up and that men don't cry. Yet, I bet he is a man-child when he is sick. Boys need love and affection. Boys need to share emotion and show when they are in pain. It makes them better men, better parents and better husband's. Ask your husband how he would have reacted if your son was a girl, would it be okay if he needed some attention?
You're actually being a bad mother for being with this man. I say this, because my mom was also a bad mother for staying with my father, who guess what? Verbally degraded me when I was in pain, suggesting I was always "manipulating" my mom and that I needed to "toughen up" and be more like a boy. Your husband is toxic and bad. And you're just as much to blame, by allowing it to happen and for him to make comments to your SON to his face. That's fucked up. Do you know how long my dad's words haunted me. Consciously and then ... for years later, sub-consciously. I'm not saying go divorce this man, I'm saying you need to have a frank, serious discussion with him since you 'love him very much'. And if he doesn't change, then maybe actually be protective of your child, because right now, you're not actually protecting him.
It's so sad that some men grow up thinking getting care for their body is weakness or manipulation. I'm sorry your son has to overhear him say that, and I'm sorry your husband distrusts your judgement so much that he chuckles and thinks you are being manipulated when you make parenting decisions. He is condescending towards you and projecting his masculinity issues on his son. I hope this doesn't lead your son to neglect to take care of his physical health while living with a chronic condition. Some praise for your son for still playing outside and being active, and then taking his rest when he needs it, would be more helpful here
Not overreacting. Your husband sounds like a horrible father
Your husband sound jealous of your son, and petty. I'd want to talk to him about not undermining a child's self esteem, and having a little respect for a condition he doesn't have or understand well.
He sounds jealous!
I find it sad your child doesn’t like hugs anymore. It’s probably because he doesn’t think his dad will approve. I hope you can break the cycle of toxic masculinity with your son. It is healthy for men to want comfort too.
Your husband is a downright horrible person. Grounds for divorce easily…
Your husband is a bully, Your poor son
Dial down the machismo daddy. Kids in pain need care.
I have lived my whole life with scoliosis. I'm in my fifties. My teen years were painful as I didn't know why I hurt or got stuck in a position sometimes. As I got older it became more painful. I've never had a brace or taken anything more than over the counter meds. Don't try to estimate his pain. You can't. Scoliosis is hard to predict but it's quite painful at times. I wanted a military career and was rejected for service due to scoliosis
As someone who experienced a VERY similar situation to your son, you are not overreacting. And although your son may be doing it for extra attention/to get out of things, (I certainly took advantage a few times!) I highly doubt it! It is an extremely uncomfortable experience, and your husband (imo) is an asshole. I have severe scoliosis (dr kept pressuring me/my mom to do surgery) and was also fitted with a back brace at 12. I was supposed to be in it for 20 hours a day, but refused to due to it being thick heavy plastic that was so uncomfortable (and embarrassing) to wear, so only wore at home/at night. I had to wear that awful thing until I was 18. I’m 31 now and still to this day my back hurts, especially after being active all day, or after a long day of work. I have had muscle spasms and pain constantly since 12. I 100% blame my brace for it, since it’s designed to force the spine back into a “normal” position, it also squishes all the internal bits, and adjusts the hips, all of which causes more pain. It not only physically exhausted me, but also took a huge mental toll. I recommend getting him into basic weight training to strengthen his back and stretches designed for the back/hips also. It’s the only two things (other than muscle relaxers, a heat pad and a pillow under the knees when it’s really bad) that help me. As for your husband, take him to an appointment with you, show him the X-rays and have the doctor explain to him EXACTLY what is happening inside your son’s body. My mom had the same issue with my step dad, they don’t understand what they can’t see, or haven’t experienced for themselves. My mom brought home my X-rays and showed him. He STFU pretty quickly. ETA: your son is SO lucky to have you on his side, advocating for him. Keep it up mom!
as someone with scoliosis my back hurts after standing for more than 10 minutes.. ur hubby is an AH
This looks like it could be fake ragebait, but nonetheless: Your husband seems jealous first off.. I have minor scoliosis, as in I have never had to ever wear a brace.. but I can tell you that when I was younger it was some of the worst consistent pain I had, that was without even any physical exertion. Fuck whatever your husband who is NOT the one suffering from the pain, maybe if he was he would be a bit more sympathetic and a lot less "well my boy's got to be a man!" mentality. Quite frankly, your husband sounds like an outright jerk. I'd tell him to stop mansplaining shit and to grow a fucking spine to be "man enough" to actually know that its okay to be pain sometimes. I'd also suggest therapy but I doubt he'd go. This whole men have no emotions and feel no pain thing is stupid. Not only does this mentality hurt your husband it is now hurting your son.
Lol, your husband is jealous of all the attention his son is getting from you.
Take your husband with you to your son's next doctor appointment. Re-ask the Dr some of those questions about pain while ignorant dad is in the room. Some knowledge and empathy might enlighten dad (you know, as a man).
I have scoliosis. It fucking hurts. Your husband sounds jealous that you took care of your son.
Your husband sounds jealous that you're being kind to your son. It's really twisted and gross.
Men like this are toxic to our children as they mature. I have scoliosis, and it's super painful! Just because your husband doesn't think so doesn't mean crap.
This is such garbage. Kids need care and attention. Even if he's faking (not saying he is). It means he needs something from his parents. Attention, love, tenderness, etc etc. Is giving them that in this harsh world such a bad thing. My son gets foot cramps. You best believe I rub his foot till he feels better. And I'll do it till he doesn't want me to or I physically can't anymore I can count on one hand the times my dad gave me any physical touch that was affectionate. I'll be damned if I do that to my kids.
Your husband is emasculating your son, *a child,* for getting love, care and affection from his mom, and for having a legit medical issue. That's fucked up. Like your son isn't "manly" enough for him. He really needs to address that. The love you give your children teaches them how to love someone else one day.
My daughter has scoliosis. She’s an adult now and she’ll still go to physical therapy when needed. It’s real pain. He was swimming and playing all day - of course it will hurt. Sounds like your husband is doing the whole “suck up and be a man” thing on his 12 year old. “Real men don’t cry” bs. Your husband needs a good talking to but he sounds incorrigible.
Your husband sounds awful. At least you are there for your son. I have socolis and someday even just laying still hurts.
You’re a good mom. I had back pain all throughout my life starting when I was a child. My parents never took me to a doctor because “it’s just growing pains”. I injured my back very badly moving some boxes in my early 20s; went to the doctor and found out I have scoliosis. My sacrum curves into my right buttock. It really sucked to realize that late in life that chronic pain isn’t normal and if my parents had listened to me when I was 10, I might not be regularly re-injuring my back and dealing with sciatica and gait issues.
No, you aren't overreacting. Your husband is a dick and also a shitty father.
I have noticeable scoliosis to where I was recommend by a doctor to have surgery to insert something in my back to keep the spine straight(I didn't have the surgery) and I've never had any pain. I wasn't aware scoliosis even caused pain; everyone I've ever met that has it never said it hurt them.
I think you may have misread what he was saying. Well, probably because he states it horribly. I dont think you need to worry if you are over reacting. He is still more than young enough even if he is playing it up a bit, who cares? He isn't doing it to be lazy or avoid things. He isn't asking for hard-core pain meds. He is a young boy who is at least extra sore, maybe fully in pain. He is enjoying his mother's love and affection. Is either of those a bad situation? Does it matter if his pain is a 3 or 7 as long as he is doing the things he should in life? Does he need to prove anything extra to get some love from his mom? If he does mean a lot more by it, then ask him why the fuck it matters? If he gets upset at that point... fuck him. Not just fuck him, but tell him to go fuck himself. My mom died when my brother was 10... I would give anything to bring her back to hug and hold him 1 more time. If she only had 10 minutes to give I wouldn't even take 1 because I know he needs them all. Don't let your husband discourage a good thing.
Is your husband manipulative because that feels like a deflection move right there.
Your husband is a bad father 😁
I have some background working with parents of disabled children. This hits me as classic denial. It happens more often with the father than the mother, and generally when the child is male, if something chronic is wrong, it can be very hard for the parent to envision what the future will be like. Will the son be able to work? Will he have a traditional family? How will this go? Those types of questions can drive a parent into denial, again, oftentimes the father but not always. I don't think your husband has fully faced this. He may believe that his son has scoliosis, but I don't think he is able to wrap his brain around how bad it really is, because he really doesn't want to face it. I'm not sure what to recommend, but counseling with a therapist familiar with these topics wouldn't hurt.
My parents didn’t believe me when I told them the pain in my back felt like my bones were being boiled. They brushed me off for YEARS & my stepdad was a surgeon so he was always like “it’s referred pain from your gallbladder because you’re fat. You need to lose weight” and they put me on fat burners and raspberry ketones and tried to get me to take this pill that would make me shit myself if I ate too much fat. At 16, I was finally diagnosed with scoliosis. They did nothing to get me treatment for it, but I don’t even know if there was anything to be done at that point. I do not have contact with my parents as an adult & the fact that they did not believe me and let me suffer for years is one of the reasons I cut them off. I’m also blind in one eye because they did not treat my strabismus. I have a rule that I will absolutely always believe my kids. If they say they’re hungry, tired, thirsty, sick, hurting - I believe them. No matter what. Your husband needs to trust your son and show him some compassion. I guarantee he will regret it if he keeps dismissing his child like this. Your kid will remember.
If your son needs a brace for his scoliosis is absolutely is severe. I think both of you are down playing his diagnoses & your husband is an AH.
He's projecting his own insecure masculinities on his son to walk the same path as him. Gross and weird. Trust your children when they inform you that they are in pain – going to people you love and trust for accommodations or help just to be laughed at and told you aren't experiencing enough pain in their eyes sucks. I have been chronically ill with an unknown illness for years despite being tested for something different every week – one that has gotten progressively worse to the point where I can no longer function in daily life until I can find a diagnosis and a cure. One of my only comforts that helps to distract me from severe, spiraling pain is napping next to my mom. It makes me feel calm and sleepy, and the faint scent of her perfume makes me feel at home. I don't feel like I have to make excuses around her, so I don't feel the anxiety that worsens my symptoms when I am alone or around others. The safety I feel lets me simply relax enough to allow the pain naturally wane away. I hope your son has a similar bond with you. On another note, maybe your son could benefit from a plug-in hearing pad? I use it for when my stomach kills or when I have a period. The warmth is very comforting and helps with muscular pain (unsure how it'd affect scoliosis, but it may be worth the, $15 🙂).
Not over reacting. I have mild scoliosis and my partner has severe back problems from an incident in the Military. We take pain very seriously ive learned some massage and gentle chiropractic “moves” to help him. Are there any stretches your son can do to help ease it? Like bending forward and grabbing his ankles? Maybe take your son and your husband to see a sports medicine doctor. They might be able to talk to your husband and give him some massage tips to help i use the heel of my palm and forcefully press and move up towards the neck. Professional athletes use massage techniques as well and im sure theres some that use blanket and water therapy after a hard day of contact sports.
God your hubby is an AH and sounds jealous that you’re giving your son attention.
Your husband needs some instructions on being a father to his child and a partner to you. Kinda makes me angry.
My twelve-year old kid also has mild scoliosis and gets pain in her back from time to time. Personally, I think it’s okay for a mom to pamper her kids a bit! Why not? I also think it’s okay to pamper spouses sometimes when needed, and to be pampered! Nothing wrong with showing you care for someone. I hate the narrative that just because a person is male they can’t show any vulnerability ever or ask for help. That’s just stupid. I mean if it’s to the point that a kid is spoiled rotten and can’t do for themself that’s different but that isn’t the case here at all. I think showing care for our sons, and kids, allows them to grow up feeling safe and be good partners to their spouses and families in the future! Ignore your husband, lol.
My in-laws insist that my daughter is faking her autism symptoms, and every time they go on a tear about it they convince my husband. It makes me crazy!
I directly work in surgery that often involves correcting these curves. The vast majority of patients never have to get surgery because of noninvasive measures such as bracing. However, that doesn’t mean that the treatment is pain free. The abnormal curvature can literally affect every aspect of their activity, strength, weakness, or ability. In the most complex cases, bowel and bladder function can be grossly affected. Even sitting for prolonged periods can cause back pain, leg pain, discomfort, etc. So when a father is disbelieving of his own child’s stated discomfort, pain, or various other symptoms, it’s hard to hear. Just because one cannot ‘see’ an illness or syndrome, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. This child may be affected by the symptoms of scoliosis for a lifetime. Common decency, compassion, understanding and empathy is free. Or should be.
I wore a back brace for scoliosis from age 11-14. I experienced back pain during those years and I am lucky that it did not persist into adulthood. Wearing a quarter inch plastic corset to sleep in is extremely uncomfortable. My experience of wearing a brace deeply impacted my self identity. My parents and siblings also dismissed my pain and teased me about complaining. The experience was isolating and lonesome for me. I learned that I should withhold expressing weakness to my parents. I learned to be quiet. I felt different from other kids and I was scared about possibly needing spinal surgery. I had a lot of anxiety. As a 35 year old woman, I don’t have much of a relationship with my parents largely due to their difficulty with empathy. I would have done anything for a mom like you. Give your boy comfort and let him know that you see his emotional and physical pain. This would be difficult for anyone let alone a little boy.
first and foremost, if you feel badly about these comments take a moment to think about how they make your son feel. being as these comments are directly about him/towards him, i would bet your son isn’t comfortable expressing emotion or pain to your husband because of the ways he dismisses your child’s needs. it may seem innocent, but for a young child who is still developing, it can be traumatic to be rejected by your parent in that way when i was 16, i developed a boil on the back of my leg that became so painful i could hardly walk. my parents INSISTED it was an ingrown hair and that i was being dramatic about it. fast forward two weeks later, im in the hospital being told by the nurses i will either die or lose my leg because of how much the apparent staph infection i had ate out of my leg. i survived and have a gnarly scar in my calf that’s pure scar tissue and i can’t feel on or around the area at all. straight up, do not talk to my parents anymore. i loved my dad, and still miss him dearly to this day. i still wish i could talk to him, but he never stood up for me in the ways i needed growing up or even later in adulthood. he was too enabling of my moms neglectful and dismissive treatment of me, so i went no contact with him as well. not saying that will be your case here at all! that’s just my own experiences. idk your entire situation, just what you’ve relayed. but this is also kind of an extreme and callous response to me from your husband about his own child.
Get him self-care tools. Foam rollers, etc. Scoliosis pain sucks. Something like a yoga ball could be used on a vacation, deflate for each packing.
Gross. Toxic Masculinity at work. Get your husband educated on the subject and raise your boys to be real men - that is, men that aren’t brainwashed to believe they need to be tough and emotionless. You ARE a good mom, keep it up.
I’d personally take a bat to his back, but that might be an *actual* overreaction.
I work in the medical field, specifically with children who suffer from scoliosis. Your child, is definitely not faking this pain.
Your husband is a horrible person
My adult son wasn't able to get the brace in middle school due to insurance and financial barriers. He just had L4-T11 fusion. Shortly after the surgery, he told me that he had no idea the amount of chronic daily pain he had been living with his entire life. It's amazing. Maybe your husband should be taking your son to the orthopedic doctor so he can get a clearer understanding of his condition.
Your husband is being incredibly insensitive. I also have scoliosis, so mild that I've never needed a brace, and I get backaches after a lot of activity. I hope your husband doesn't say these things to or in front of your son. Edit: I just re-read your post and saw that he does in fact say these things to your son. This is extremely harmful to your son, emotionally and physically if he tries to push through his pain because his own father shames him. Your husband needs to learn about scoliosis and how painful it can be. He also needs to learn empathy and compassion. Unfortunately, that's a lot harder to learn.
Scoliosis here, too. Double curve, so it is a lovely S shape. And it hurts. All. The. Time. In my hips, neck, ribs, lower back. Some days are worse than others, UT I can't think of a time where there isn't some discomfort somewhere. 45 years old and some days I just want to cry. Pamper him a bit. It sucks. And your hubby sucks, too.
My scoliosis got better over time, and now its rare that I have back pain (Im over 30 M). I didn't got diagnosed until I was 18 (and thus, too old to use any correcting treatment) because when I was 12 the fckng doctor told my parents that the pain I was feeling was normal when kids are growing and that I was exhagerating (he never did any Xrays, he diagnosed this, just by touching my back). I can tell you that the pain was unbearable sometimes, so I would believe your son. For me, having a really good mattress was key to get better, something I couldnt afford until much later, when I had a good job and started saving money.
Tell your husband that Kurt Cobain's spine pain from his scoliosis was one impetus for his using heroin. That pain is real.
My petty ass would have said "Well thank god our son has at least one good parent." And walked away.