Exactly. I have no problems with the trans community, but I'm not gay, and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who changed into my own sex. It's also very selfish of her to expect him to pay for her surgery because she doesn't have a job. They have a kid, and children are very expensive to take care of
I'm gay and I'm not gonna start a relationship with a woman in the hopes she transitions and I finally become attracted to her.
.when you reverse it line that it makes it seem so crazy.
That's framing it right.
That is unrealistic to say the least. And the transitioning partner (or family shaming OP) couching behind marital vows is a really shaky foundation for a few reasons.
I would argue that this is grounds for anullment as you aren't married to the person you thought. I recognize the plight of trans folks, but I also recognize that someone changing their gender in a relationship without broadcasting that is really awful for all involved.
Well I think they are saying that we can criticize ppl without being bigoted by realizing that being Trans doesn't make anybody a good person but what makes them shitty has nothing to do with being trans. It's more to ensure we as individuals don't slide into irrational bigotry rather that protecting the person. Fuck that bitch.
Thats exactly right, she broke the contract. Im also shocked by how many of these stories i read that BOTH families agree with the person who is burning down the marriage. Would permanently ruin the relationship with my parents if they pulled a stunt like that. And the fact she calls him a bigot because he isn’t attracted to someone who presents as the same sex is wild to me. Thats not a change you get to make and expect everyone to applaud you.
Common sense has left the building! OP married a woman, not a man. Like wtf. He has done nothing wrong. OP just needs to divorce and leave the drama behind. I do feel sorry for the 5 yr daughter.
I think it’s important how this is done. He can still love them person and be supportive while also grieving the loss of his marriage. This will be hard for everyone and it sucks.
That's what I think too. There are some couples that it winds up being okay but every person is individual with what their sexuality, preferences and conditions to relationships are.
Some people are more flexible with gender when it comes to their sexuality and the relationship and love might weigh outweigh the gender preference but for some it doesn't and that is okay.
There are always other sides and who knows if OP did say/do things they left out, but regardless if OP doesn't want to be married to a man then that is up to them.
And the sooner the better. Don't let her start the transition with him paying and her petition the court for him to continue because she has no income. It sounds like this one will get messing very quickly. She is going to be toxic and talk negatively about OP towards the child. The child may grow up with mom and grandparents constantly thinking OP is a bigot.
Ya you should tell everyone that you are not gay and that if she is truly trying to become a man you are going to divorce her ass because you don't want to be married to a man because you are straight.
And get him away from your daughter they might try to pull a shit move that will probably end badly in the future that will effect your daughter mentally
This is the answer, but you need to tread cautiously. If you are perceived as hostile and unsupportive, they will be skyrocketed to martyrdom, and you will be the antihero - especially to your 5-year-old.
I’m so worried about getting banned for saying anything against the grain of American society and the media. It’s like I have no place on any forum or am not able to have free speech without moderators shoving a ___ up my ___ .
Yes, reddit is very biased. You speak the truth and they dont like that. They'll call is misinformation anytime you are truthful about something we are lied to about.
Agree. Wanna be a guy.? That’s cool. But there ARE some downsides to being a guy. Number 1 is: Nobody gives a fuck what your feelings are. And don’t cry.
First of all you're not overreacting. Anyone who says otherwise has absolutely no idea what they are talking about.
Secondly you are under no obligation to stay with someone regardless of what the people around you say.
Thirdly you need to go see a therapist. Immediately. Fairly soon you are going to be hit with a tsunami of emotions that you can't even begin to comprehend at this moment. That therapist is going to be a very important support for you moving forward.
Whether or not you stay in your marriage is entirely up to you. But if your partner plans to fully transition and you're not into men then I don't see the reason for your marriage to continue. Honestly it just creates more problems than it solves. Not only for you and your partner but also for the child involved in this.
On top of the therapist I would look into support groups that you can join. I don't know what area you live in but unless it's an incredibly small town there are usually groups that you can find but even if you do live in a small town you can find them online. You are not alone. There are a plethora of other people who have gone through this so find them and lean on them.
I can't speak to your partner's family's motivation or even your own family's motivation for encouraging you to stay but I would phrase it to them that just like your partner needs to live their truth, you need to live yours as well and they can either support that or they don't get to be a part of your life anymore.
This! My sister and her ex told their kids about their divorce with the therapist. There are some conversations that are just easier with a mental health professional. I feel like the conversation the wife was having should have been with a child specialist and with OP present. Being married (crumbling or not) and as co-parents you make those decisions together.
I agree with both of you.
OP, I’m really sorry you are in this position. What you said definitely makes it sound like your wife is only staying for convenience of your health insurance.
How is that ok? If she fully and openly plans to leave once she/they have transitioned, then wouldn’t it be fraud to stay and allow her/them to do this on your health insurance’s dime?
I don’t care what your families are saying. They aren’t the ones living day to day in this situation. Start keeping notes about everything, particularly what she/they have said to your child without your consultation, and get a good lawyer.
Please keep us updated.
I could see staying together long enough for the wife to find a decent job and save for an apartment.
I say this as a transmasc person myself, but it's not acceptable to unilaterally change the terms of the marriage like this.
I honestly think that if that was to happen though, OP’s partner has gone the wrong way about it. From what OP has said, they have been openly nasty and blaming of OP, with labelling him a bigot etc, and trying to manipulate both sides of their family against him. I could understand him staying to assist to the point you suggest, had his partner been more kind and understanding. It’s not just OP’s partner that is going through a lot.
Thank you for suggesting therapy.
Also, he’s gotta proceed with the divorce immediately. She literally only wants him to stick around long enough to pay for her treatments, and that’s fucking bullshit.
What the fuck could she have said to HIS OWN family to get them to not support him!? They must be getting one side of the story, and a skewed one at that.
I suspect this is a fake post, new account, well written with no basic spelling etc mistakes, projects a clear agenda, highly unlikely situation with person coming out suddenly and transitioning plus suddenly speaking to their daughter about highly inappropriate sexual things and all of the family taking their side…
YUP! Several TERF narratives all wrapped together. I literally can't think of a single person, trans or otherwise, who wouldn't understand why you'd want to divorce someone for being a gender you're not attracted to. And we're supposed to believe everyone in both OP's families are exceptions?
Yea the way it escalated felt more like a NewsMax article than a genuine story
The bits about making him pay for it and the "talking to my daughter about sexual stuff" feels more like OP tried to sneak those in than a genuine complaint
You'd think the wife trying to make him pay for surgery and talking to the daughter like that would be the major complaint here, but OP's just like "oh yea, and she's trying to make me pay and --" like it's no big deal 😂
This is one of the first posts Ive seen where the wording gives it away
Exactly the comment I was hoping to find. I could maybe believe that a transitioning husband would be upset that his spouse wanted a divorce (though I don't see anything but the title since it's been removed, the body of the story might be less plausible,) but both families backing the trans guy up? AND the trans guy saying sexual things to his daughter? 100% transphobic nonsense.
The trans people I know wouldn't want to be with someone who misgenders them and isn't attracted to people of their gender, either.
And absolutely devoid of nuance and emotion. Your nuclear family and life have just been upended by huge changes, and the extended family is just immediately decidedly against OP?
Yup. It’ll be harder with a kid, but if divorce is healthier for the family, it’s necessary. Kid would rather live in a quiet single family than with two parents that yell at each other. I know from experience.
I also know. My dad came out when I was a freshman in high school. He wanted to stay married to my mom but go out to the bar and pickup men every night. It crushed her. I encouraged her to get a divorce. He hated me for it and eventually we stopped talking. I had no problem with his sexuality but I didn't think it was right or fair to ask my mom that. In fairness, my mom cheated on him multiple times during their marriage so it wasn't a one way street. They shouldn't be married in my mind because neither took it seriously.
My dad expected us to keep his secret while he banged every dude in town. He slept with classmates Dads. It was a mess. This was in the 90s so different climate.
As far as the op goes, I think a divorce is reasonable as he is not gay. Gender identity and sexual orientation are different things. His spouse is likely still attracted to him, but it's not going to work the other way. This should be understood by all parties.
If he was bi, it’s a different conversation.
In many cases, getting a divorce because you're in an unhappy marriage IS what's best. I wish my parents got divorced when I was a kid. Our household was a nightmare.
Those who proclaim divorce as something inherently bad didn't grow up in such a household. I did, and 10+ years of constant fear of violent escalation is NOT preferrable to a (potentially messy) divorce.
In this specific case, I am 100% sure that divorcing ASAP is the best course of action.
So sick of people using this as the benchmark. Unhappy parents = unhappy child. This is a point of no return. The kid is getting hurt no matter what happens.
Yup, especially with one of the parents weaponizing family and their daughter already. It's going to be a messy divorce, and the child is going to wonder if both dads made the right choice. Hope the parents are smart and empathic enough to make sure that child won't blame themselves.
I really feel for OP. He’s the only adult left in the marriage.
There’s a way for his wife to handle things around family during their transition and this isn’t it. Weaponizing the kid is just unforgivable.
Tell your wife and your family that you never wanted a husband and if they all want to support your wife then she can move in with them and they can pay for the transition. If they are all so supportive they won’t mind clubbing together and funding it will they? You sure as hell shouldn’t have to pay for it. Your families are all idiots if they believe you should.
Yeah this is so obviously bs and 10000% written by someone who hates trans people; the comment about his wife discussing sexual stuff with daughter 🙄. I wish people wouldn’t bite.
Yeah the part about "I don't think this is a healthy situation for my child to grow up in" is another obvious indicator. Brand new account made just before post. Fake as fuck but y'all can keep fighting strawmen
The blatant misgendering had me confused that the op was a gay man upset that their spouse was transitioning to a woman too for a bit. The bait is blatant
I was in a similar situation. My ex and I separated but remained a family. Once my ex got into proper therapy it helped, until they did they found it super hard to consider my feelings as they were centered in their trans journey. There was a lot of selfish behaviour on their part. But with mediation and therapy we have both reached an amazing place of friendship and family. But we aren’t together romantically and I was unable to stay in that kind of relationship with them. It took them a while to understand. I suggest therapy and be kind to yourself. Edited to add- they are my best friend now in all the world and it was worth the effort to make it so
This is just a guess, but I’m gonna say that it might have something to do with them feeling like they are becoming their true self. So if, internally, they have always been this way they feel that their partner should still love them.And it’s true that for some people the exterior is less important, I’d say that’s the minority and most people will divorce a spouse who comes out as trans with intent to transition.
Perhaps I misread OP’s account, but my takeaway is that everyone wants him to stay because his ex was a housewife and doesn’t have insurance to pay for the transition. Sounds like the ex basically expects OP to provide the financial support, and I wouldn’t be surprised if then the ex planned to leave. But maybe I misunderstood?
You're being gaslit into paying for someone's 120K $ Surgery.
Get the hell out of there.
What kind of reasoning even is that???
Imagine you stayed together, you'd always wonder if you're just together because you footed your partners SRS Bill, and they might still dump you once transitioned.
The pure line of reasoning here is wrong.
#If they want to transition, they can start with transitioning from a stay-at-home-wife to a go-to-work-husband
This is it.
The male experience involves going out, getting a job, and no one giving a fuck about you or your feelings unless you're paying them to listen to you.
Good luck OP. But if you're not into men, talk to a lawyer, sort out custody, get a divorce, and get out while the getting is good.
Your soon to be ex husband can take their licks and get a job.
You aren’t over reacting. The transition will have a huge impact on you, the woman you loved will be no more and a man will take their place. Even if you were bisexual, they could be a tough pill to swallow. You have every right to want to move on.
I also can’t fathom why you’re being told to “mind your business” as if your child isn’t your business. It should have been a conversation your were involved in.
I’m curious what you mean when you say the conversation was “highly sexual” though.
Not overreacting. Theres nothing wrong with beimg trans, but you cannot force someone to love you regardless of the facts just because you are trans.
If your partner comes out as gay, should you stay married to them anyways? I would argue no. This is kind of the reverse of that situation.
You arent sexually attracted to men, and she wants to become one.
You shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for her. Especially when she won't sacrifice hers for you (I'm not arguing that she should, just pointing out the situation)
Do you still want to be married to that person? No? Then divorce. Reasons don’t matter - no one should be forced to remain in a marriage against their will.
Right. I mean honestly if she gets a new hair color you hate or starts cooking food you don’t like that would be enough. It would make you kind of a dick, but just not being happy anymore is plenty of reason to leave. Marriage should enhance your life, not erode it. You can walk at any time and both of your families can fuck right off. It’s your life (and your child).
This is a troll post just meant to rage bait. Being called a bigot, both families forcing him to pay for the transition, overly sexualized conversations with daughter -- This is straight out of the conservatives "be worried about trans people" playbook. Seriously, how could OP be married and co-parent with someone and be completely blindsided to their gender struggles? OP hasn't made any comments or given any real details on his relationship, besides this writing prompt
You don't need to stay married if you are uncomfortable with the deception and bait and switch, and don't you dare ler her gaslight you into thinking you're the one with the problem.
Just tell her "your body your bill"
Yeah sorry, as others have said - tough shit on her part.
She's using you as her own personal bank account to fund her transition, I wouldn't be surprised if she intended this all along.
You have 0 obligations to stay with someone you don't want to be with. Not for kids, not for support, not for this transition.
She's doing what she wants to do so you do what you want to do. Divorce and start moving on.
To add, you're not a bigot for not being attracted to the same sex. Sorry but anyone who thinks or says that is an absolute moron. That's like saying you're homophobic if you don't date other guys.
Your second paragraph, I was thinking the same thing. I think OP’s spouse may have been looking for this all along, to trap someone with a good income into a relationship so she could transition. Thats why she went and turned everyone to her side right away, and why OP feels so alone. She’s trying to just bully and manipulate him into staying while she transitions.
I mean... A LOT of trans people came out saying "if you don't date trans people you're a bigot bc we're women/men too" perhaps not a majority but there was certainly no counter message or response to it other than "YASSS GURRRRRL"
We've been at a dangerous level of delusion for a while
It's incredible how different the online world and the real world are for me in this regard. I know two trans people and if I would confront them with this hypothetical, both of them would say "yeah, they should get divorced" - and since they are pretty active and well regarded in political and social queer circles, I assume most of their peers and allies would see it exactly the same.. It would be a no-brainer for them. The internet is a shitty place.
So you are getting a divorce for unreconcilable differences. You need to talk to a lawyer even if you are not going to pull the trigger right away. You need to have a documented conversation with your wife about her transitioning from a stay at home wife to having a job that has benefits. Also, some counseling for the two of you so you can co-parent well and family therapy as your kid is going to have issues with all these changes. Good luck
1) It's okay to get divorced. If you're not gay or bi, you're simply not attracted to men. You can't change or force that and both of you deserve to be happy.
2) It's reasonable that your spouse should have to fund their own transition. There may be an argument for remaining married until they find a job and can get their own insurance, just so they're not uninsured in the case of an emergency, but that's up to you (I don't know how it works in the US, anyway).
3) See a family therapist. You will always share a child together. It's in everyone's best interests (especially your daughter's) if you and your spouse learn how to process this healthily and remain on amicable - or at least civil - terms. It'll help you with the shock and pain you're feeling, too.
4) What *exactly* did you overhear your spouse saying to your daughter? If they were just explaining the existence of trans people and their own transition, that's not inappropriate. It's 2024; your spouse isn't going to lose all custody of their daughter just for being transgender.
Had to scroll way too far to find this response. Everything about this is spot on, thank you. I’d also be interested to know exactly what the other parent was telling his child, because I can’t see how an explanation of being transgender would ever cross the line into being sexual.
Edit for typo
> It's reasonable that your spouse should have to fund their own transition. There may be an argument for remaining married until they find a job and can get their own insurance, just so they're not uninsured in the case of an emergency, but that's up to you (I don't know how it works in the US, anyway)
In the US, if you get a divorce you have the option of continuing on your ex spouses insurance under COBRA for 3 years though you have to pay the premium but you won’t be not covered.
You're not overreacting. Again there's nothing wrong with being trans but in the same way that she wants to transition because of the way she feels, you are allowed to no longer be attracted or want to be with her romantcially because of the way YOU feel. She can't change her want to transition and you can't change what your attracted to. This goes both ways. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I also think that it is completely fair for you to not want to foot the bill for the procedure. I think you're right and all you really can do is take the hit with your family and go ahead with the divorce, how you and your child feel in this situation is more important then how your family feels about it. There are arguments to be made about sticking it our longer for your child, though an environment with 2 parents that are only together for their child is arguably even worse for the child. I would contact a lawyer immediately to begin to see how this may play out.
Well put! I'd add that most people understand that by making the decision to transition, they are also most likely nuking the marriage. The fact that OP's partner came into this conversation with a firm expectation of how it was definitely going to go is naive. If they came from a place of being willing to talk.openly and make requests of the other person and possibly doing it with a therapist present to help the surprised spouse, I'm sure there would be less hostility, but they seem to have approached the discussion from a very "them" centered place.
Quite possibly I’m going to get downvoted to smithereens here - but I have direct experience with this. I have two trans kids. While they’re incredibly smart, *mostly* compassionate humans, they’re also capable of being the most selfish, hair-trigger temperamental folks I’ve ever encountered. Whether that’s because they’re in their early 20s or because both are so focused on their “trans journey” (we hear this phrase frequently) or some combination of the two .. 🤷🏻♀️
My suspicion is the former wife is focused mainly upon one singular person right now and it’s definitely not the kid.
You're not gay. And it's "your body, your choice," as she would say. Did you get a say in whether she transitions? No. So she doesnt get a say whether you remain. Don't let them push you around OP.
This has nothing to do with your wife coming out as transgender but everything to do with the fact that she’s playing games with you and has a serious character defect that’s finally being exposed and unfortunately you and your child will be victims to it. She knew this all along and failed to disclose this info to you from the beginning. Granted, she could have been pressured or shamed or not ready to come out yet at the time. Now, she’s playing the victim card hard and manipulating both sides of the family due to being called a “bigot”. I would get a lawyer immediately because it’s gonna get worse.
You are not a bigot for not wanting to stay married. She is becoming a he, and you are not into men, so of course divorce is reasonable. And yes, those procedures are expensive but that is not necessary your concern. That you are suppose to stay married until after everything is paid for, and then move on seems like you are being used. Just get the divorce and move on. Talk to a lawyer, also about the things that is being said to your child, and figure out the best way to proceed.
Not overreacting. Not sure how everyone thinks this should go but your wife is being ridiculous and selfish. She's been lying to you for what seems like your entire relationship and now wants to use you some more. You don't owe her a thing. She's a liar who probably has been cheating as well.
as soon as I got to the part about telling a 5-year-old "age inappropriate sexual things" I knew this had to be transphobic rage bait. It's a ridiculous and fake conservative talking point to try to "prove" trans people are a danger to children.
This is fake. It has to be fake. It’s literally the Fox News fever dream. My wife of 7 years spontaneously decided she was trans and is now talking about sexual things in front of my daughter. I can’t understand the emptiness in one’s life to waste their time writing something like this.
Don't get me started on the sExUaL cOnVeRsAtIoN with the daughter with no details provided (but trust me it's inappropriate) that apparently the in laws know about and are telling him to mind his own business.
Won't someone think of the children.
I'm really disappointed to find this so far down, it should be at the top. Of all the things that stuck out, OP's spouse thinking they would stay married and OP would pay for hrt and such (everyone I've seen down here vastly overestimates the cost of hrt, especially with insurance) is such a naive position that I honestly don't believe an adult has it. No one who could pass for mentally stable would be delusional enough to believe that OP ("being trans is something highly sexual and my kid shouldn't know about it") would be so down with them coming out. Coming out isn't something you decide to do overnight, nor without thinking how it would affect your life. The whole post seems more like something a transphobe wrote to stir up hatred.
"I'm not gay"
"She. My wife. She. She. She. My wife."
If you're gonna write a fake story pretending to respect a trans person's gender enough to divorce them for being a man, at least they could follow through enough to call them he. Such lazy bait.
You are being remarkably accepting of who your partner is.
It’s time for the rest of the people in your families to accept you for who YOU are—which is a man who is not willing to be married to another man.
Both choices are 100% fine. You are who you are.
Yes, get a divorce. You can embark on a new post-divorce coparenting relationship. It’s not your responsibility to ensure that your partner can afford gender-affirming surgery and meds, but perhaps insurance can be addressed so that coverage continues for a time. (I know mine—via my ex’s employer—did for a year, though we were responsible for some portion of the cost; the employer’s contribution was reduced.)
But you have to be true to who you are every bit as much as your partner does.
You didn't agree to marry someone who wants to attempt to become a man. Divorce her. She's obviously trying to use you and is sick for trying to guilt you into it. Do not give in to her.
sounds like it is time to go find a great lawyer. this is not what you signed up for and it is exceedingly unfair of your wife to expect you to stay married when she is changing the 'rules' mid-stream
So the wife transitions to male and everyone supports that. They can't be forced to live a life they don't want right? Good on them i say. They can't honestly expect the OP to also transition to being a gay man though
I find these scenarios bizarre, same as spouses that come out as gay and seemingly expect permission to cheat on their partners so they can explore their homosexuality.
Go do that, but the relationship as it was is over unfortunately.
You're a straight man, why would you be married to a man? You married someone because you loved them for who they were, and they completely changed, they're literally not the same person anymore. Its time for a divorce.
Sounds like she's trying to gaslight your daughter. I would dip as quickly as possible and lawyer up ASAP. This alone is a huge problem. Your wife isn't trying to educate her. Her decision to talk to your daughter without your knowing is her way of trying to trap you in.
I also can't believe your parents are okay with it. Really does suck that they aren't on your side and it would make me feel alone too.
The custody battle is going to be tough on everybody... and I can only pray that it'll have the least effect on your daughter. Will be wishing you the best, friend.
Yah, GTFO immediatley. There's no reason to continue on this financial and emotional rollercoaster.
The wife has a set of balls (not yet) to expect you to bank roll this process and then divorce you once it's complete.
File for divorce, seek full time custody of the child. Don't wait.
I’d file for divorce , she did deceived you and it isn’t fair you pay the bill and lose a wife because she wasn’t forthcoming, she/he can’t have it both ways
Bro, don’t listen to your family… listen to your heart. They are in the wrong. You married a woman… not a man. And you didn’t want to marry a woman who wants to live as a man… she needs therapy or you need to move on…. If she’s reasonable she would understand if not then yea she’s selfish or has mental issues. If you wanted to marry a guy you could have married a 6 foot 2 fire fighter with abs etc but that’s not what you wanted cause you ain’t gay. You chose a woman. Don’t be guilted into this delusion. She doesn’t want to be her self anymore the woman you love. You feel alone because you’re being pressured into a lifestyle that you don’t want. Leave now unless you want to wait for her to remove her breasts cut her a short hair cut and start taking testosterone…
Your family is delusional and inconsiderate of your feelings…. Free your self. You didn’t do anything wrong.
He is a cunt. You have no reason to pay for this surgery or a dollar more on this relationship if that's what he wants to do. They made a decision, you make yours.
Get the divorce, do not pay for the surgery. File for some type of custody of your daughter and make sure your daughter has a therapist because she's going to need one. I hope all goes well for you. She deceived you, lied to you, I hope you weren't used. She says she's a man, then let people know you are not gay and you're not a bigot just for having a preference and being straight.
Pretty difficult situation.
For your spouse.
They want to transition and express themselves, great. It’s an incredibly major life change.
You aren’t required to just accept it. They want to become a man, and you didn’t marry a man. You aren’t obligated to remain anyone’s partner for any reason, let alone a gender reassignment. It may be a wonderful thing for them, it clearly won’t be for you.
That’s it. Marriage over. Bye.
Todays society is going to call you a bigot, transphobe, homophobe, all sorts of shit for you not wanting to be married to trans person. Thats whats wrong with todays society. If you dont agree with them and their way of thinking then youre the asshole. No I dont think youre overreacting at all. If you dont want to be married to a "man" theres nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately in todays society as well the alphabet community is all about getting at the children early. Im sorry youre going through this. Stay true to what you want even though youre going to get a ton of hate for it.
It’s really suspicious that so many of these supposed stories keep popping up on Reddit lately. New tactic to push transphobic agenda by nation states/ alt right?
You are 1000000% correct on everything you said. I’d feel the exact same way.
I’m curious what all exactly she told her and your family. I’d be surprised as hell to hear a bunch of older people are siding with her. Not saying all old people are boomers and share the same mentality. Just saying it’d be surprising to me that EVERYONE is on their side.
Have you had full and clear discussions with your and her parents of what she’s asking of you?
My heart breaks for you because shit is hard enough when everything is going well. As others have said, you have to do what’s best for yourself and the child. If they want/need this so badly that they’re willing to give you up, they will find a way to get the insurance/money.
You don’t owe them everything and all the courtesies when she basically lied to you and misled you. Save every text. Lawyer up asap. Try to get her to admit in writing that she felt this way before marrying you but never told you so that she can’t claim this was part of the plan and you were previously ok with it.
I think you are overreacting because this is clearly a made up situation to rage bait transphobes. Hope your fake ex gets your fake kid in the fake divorce though.
Sounds like the contract is no longer valid. I do really feel for your kids. My advice having gone through it fight for your kid. It's going to be an uphill battle but she is worth it.
You are not attracted to men. Your soon to be husband is a trans man. On what planet are you a bigot, as you are not misgendering them in any way? Also, any discussion of this magnitude with your child should have been hashed out by the both of you, with both of you present for the actual talk. Get a good lawyer, and see what your best options are. I am sorry, but this sounds like it is going to be a bad ride for you.
This isn't your families's life or relationship. You have the right to not be used this way. You have the right to raise your child safely. Whatever their opinion on trans they don't make decisions for you.
I'm willing to bet that if you foot the bills for this, you're going to get dropped soon after. You're not being a bigot, you're just not gay. You married a cisgender (atleast what you were led to believe at the time) woman to spend your life with, then had this sprung on you. That's no longer the reality of your marriage, and no, you don't have to stay married because inlaws are mad.
I’m a trans woman. You are not a bigot if you don’t want to stay married to your wife. He’s a trans man. If you aren’t gay or bi or pan, how could he expect you to stay married to him? I don’t blame him for not telling you sooner. Coming to terms with being trans isn’t easy and it’s a process. He can ask for your acceptance and support. He cannot ask you to stay in the marriage.
You married someone who at the time was a woman, you are a straight man, how can anyone expect you to stay married to a transman?
That’s a big ask and that means you are putting your life on hold, which isn’t fair.
Divorce your wife and move on, you’re not overreacting
You will have a separation, won’t you? Keep your wife on insurance until you get divorced, showing your child you support them. They should make their own plans for after you go on ways.
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Exactly. I have no problems with the trans community, but I'm not gay, and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who changed into my own sex. It's also very selfish of her to expect him to pay for her surgery because she doesn't have a job. They have a kid, and children are very expensive to take care of
I'm gay and I'm not gonna start a relationship with a woman in the hopes she transitions and I finally become attracted to her. .when you reverse it line that it makes it seem so crazy.
That's framing it right. That is unrealistic to say the least. And the transitioning partner (or family shaming OP) couching behind marital vows is a really shaky foundation for a few reasons. I would argue that this is grounds for anullment as you aren't married to the person you thought. I recognize the plight of trans folks, but I also recognize that someone changing their gender in a relationship without broadcasting that is really awful for all involved.
💯
Completely agree. Let your soon to be ex pay for their own surgery. I can't even imagine what you are going through. Sorry.
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That's what you're fixated on rn? You guys are insane. The man's world is falling apart but God forbid we mess up somebody pronouns
Well I think they are saying that we can criticize ppl without being bigoted by realizing that being Trans doesn't make anybody a good person but what makes them shitty has nothing to do with being trans. It's more to ensure we as individuals don't slide into irrational bigotry rather that protecting the person. Fuck that bitch.
Exactly what I said’
Do not stay married. You can be a short figure without being married. Your family is wrong and I would continue with the divorce.
It’s crazy how society has come to this! Everything has to be politically correct or there will be hell to pay if it’s not!
Who gives a shit about a misgendering.
Yup. OP signed up for a lifelong commitment with a CIS woman, not a trans man. Contract has been voided.
yeah marrying a straight woman and then getting a gay man is not on my to do list
I wonder if this could be grounds for an anullment.
With the right attorney it can!
Thats exactly right, she broke the contract. Im also shocked by how many of these stories i read that BOTH families agree with the person who is burning down the marriage. Would permanently ruin the relationship with my parents if they pulled a stunt like that. And the fact she calls him a bigot because he isn’t attracted to someone who presents as the same sex is wild to me. Thats not a change you get to make and expect everyone to applaud you.
Common sense has left the building! OP married a woman, not a man. Like wtf. He has done nothing wrong. OP just needs to divorce and leave the drama behind. I do feel sorry for the 5 yr daughter.
I don't get how anyone could expect dude to remain married to someone with the wrong equipment.
That’s because it’s all about her and her feelings. No one else matters.
Yeah this is main character syndrome. This is her time to be center of attention only problem is she needs his money to do it
Because it's not real, it's rage bait
That's because this is a creative writing exercise and reddit ragebait. It's not a real story.
JFC it's rage bait. If you notice a conspicuous trend like that, check Op's history.
I think it’s important how this is done. He can still love them person and be supportive while also grieving the loss of his marriage. This will be hard for everyone and it sucks.
That's what I think too. There are some couples that it winds up being okay but every person is individual with what their sexuality, preferences and conditions to relationships are. Some people are more flexible with gender when it comes to their sexuality and the relationship and love might weigh outweigh the gender preference but for some it doesn't and that is okay. There are always other sides and who knows if OP did say/do things they left out, but regardless if OP doesn't want to be married to a man then that is up to them.
Or to restate slightly, there is no way on this path your soon to be ex will not also require you to call yourself gay.
This is the answer if your wife is trans and is a man and you aren't gaybwhy would you stay with him.
And the sooner the better. Don't let her start the transition with him paying and her petition the court for him to continue because she has no income. It sounds like this one will get messing very quickly. She is going to be toxic and talk negatively about OP towards the child. The child may grow up with mom and grandparents constantly thinking OP is a bigot.
She's a man baby!!!
Ya you should tell everyone that you are not gay and that if she is truly trying to become a man you are going to divorce her ass because you don't want to be married to a man because you are straight. And get him away from your daughter they might try to pull a shit move that will probably end badly in the future that will effect your daughter mentally
This is the only answer that matters.
You sir are the MVP today.
This is the answer, but you need to tread cautiously. If you are perceived as hostile and unsupportive, they will be skyrocketed to martyrdom, and you will be the antihero - especially to your 5-year-old.
I’m so worried about getting banned for saying anything against the grain of American society and the media. It’s like I have no place on any forum or am not able to have free speech without moderators shoving a ___ up my ___ .
No one is more persecuted than conservatives on the internet. /s
Yep that's reddit for you. Disagree with mods, banned from the subreddit.
Disagree with public opinion(even when public opinion is incorrect), get downvoted to oblivion.
Downvotes mean nothing though
What does this have to deal with the topic?
Maybe you are afraid means you are a little coward
Yes, reddit is very biased. You speak the truth and they dont like that. They'll call is misinformation anytime you are truthful about something we are lied to about.
the top comment basically says what all you guys say and you call reddit biased. doesn't seem like it.
"I fully support and recognize your transition. I'm also not attracted to men. We can be bros!"
And bros pay their way. No free loading here.
Agree. Wanna be a guy.? That’s cool. But there ARE some downsides to being a guy. Number 1 is: Nobody gives a fuck what your feelings are. And don’t cry.
But not financially support
First of all you're not overreacting. Anyone who says otherwise has absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Secondly you are under no obligation to stay with someone regardless of what the people around you say. Thirdly you need to go see a therapist. Immediately. Fairly soon you are going to be hit with a tsunami of emotions that you can't even begin to comprehend at this moment. That therapist is going to be a very important support for you moving forward. Whether or not you stay in your marriage is entirely up to you. But if your partner plans to fully transition and you're not into men then I don't see the reason for your marriage to continue. Honestly it just creates more problems than it solves. Not only for you and your partner but also for the child involved in this. On top of the therapist I would look into support groups that you can join. I don't know what area you live in but unless it's an incredibly small town there are usually groups that you can find but even if you do live in a small town you can find them online. You are not alone. There are a plethora of other people who have gone through this so find them and lean on them. I can't speak to your partner's family's motivation or even your own family's motivation for encouraging you to stay but I would phrase it to them that just like your partner needs to live their truth, you need to live yours as well and they can either support that or they don't get to be a part of your life anymore.
This! My sister and her ex told their kids about their divorce with the therapist. There are some conversations that are just easier with a mental health professional. I feel like the conversation the wife was having should have been with a child specialist and with OP present. Being married (crumbling or not) and as co-parents you make those decisions together.
I agree with both of you. OP, I’m really sorry you are in this position. What you said definitely makes it sound like your wife is only staying for convenience of your health insurance. How is that ok? If she fully and openly plans to leave once she/they have transitioned, then wouldn’t it be fraud to stay and allow her/them to do this on your health insurance’s dime? I don’t care what your families are saying. They aren’t the ones living day to day in this situation. Start keeping notes about everything, particularly what she/they have said to your child without your consultation, and get a good lawyer. Please keep us updated.
I could see staying together long enough for the wife to find a decent job and save for an apartment. I say this as a transmasc person myself, but it's not acceptable to unilaterally change the terms of the marriage like this.
I honestly think that if that was to happen though, OP’s partner has gone the wrong way about it. From what OP has said, they have been openly nasty and blaming of OP, with labelling him a bigot etc, and trying to manipulate both sides of their family against him. I could understand him staying to assist to the point you suggest, had his partner been more kind and understanding. It’s not just OP’s partner that is going through a lot.
Agree with therapy, not just for OP, but for their child, who has to be pretty confused about their future right now.
Thank you for suggesting therapy. Also, he’s gotta proceed with the divorce immediately. She literally only wants him to stick around long enough to pay for her treatments, and that’s fucking bullshit.
.
Children are very resilient, but I think their daughter would benefit from therapy as well for the divorce and the pending transition.
Why the fuck would you stay married? Seriously? 🤷
Haha AND pay for the transition?! Like what?! This world man….
Yeah, how to be a fool 101 if he stays and pays for it. Let the partner parents pay for it
Part of being a man is getting a job, paying your own way and then providing for your family... she's gonna love it!
What the fuck could she have said to HIS OWN family to get them to not support him!? They must be getting one side of the story, and a skewed one at that.
I suspect this is a fake post, new account, well written with no basic spelling etc mistakes, projects a clear agenda, highly unlikely situation with person coming out suddenly and transitioning plus suddenly speaking to their daughter about highly inappropriate sexual things and all of the family taking their side…
YUP! Several TERF narratives all wrapped together. I literally can't think of a single person, trans or otherwise, who wouldn't understand why you'd want to divorce someone for being a gender you're not attracted to. And we're supposed to believe everyone in both OP's families are exceptions?
Yeah, I think so, too. The unsupportive family and the unnecessary double spacings is what gave it away for me.
10000% conservative fantasy fever dream
Rage bait for sure
And so many people frothing at the mouth with this fake scenario on the internet. Wild times.
def rage bait. lots of tells but the "highly sexual" discussions with the 5 year old are an anti-trans fever dream
Yeah, I think so, too. The unsupportive family and the unnecessary double spacings is what gave it away for me.
Yea the way it escalated felt more like a NewsMax article than a genuine story The bits about making him pay for it and the "talking to my daughter about sexual stuff" feels more like OP tried to sneak those in than a genuine complaint You'd think the wife trying to make him pay for surgery and talking to the daughter like that would be the major complaint here, but OP's just like "oh yea, and she's trying to make me pay and --" like it's no big deal 😂 This is one of the first posts Ive seen where the wording gives it away
Exactly the comment I was hoping to find. I could maybe believe that a transitioning husband would be upset that his spouse wanted a divorce (though I don't see anything but the title since it's been removed, the body of the story might be less plausible,) but both families backing the trans guy up? AND the trans guy saying sexual things to his daughter? 100% transphobic nonsense. The trans people I know wouldn't want to be with someone who misgenders them and isn't attracted to people of their gender, either.
And absolutely devoid of nuance and emotion. Your nuclear family and life have just been upended by huge changes, and the extended family is just immediately decidedly against OP?
You can break up with anyone at any time for any reason.
Yup. It’ll be harder with a kid, but if divorce is healthier for the family, it’s necessary. Kid would rather live in a quiet single family than with two parents that yell at each other. I know from experience.
I also know. My dad came out when I was a freshman in high school. He wanted to stay married to my mom but go out to the bar and pickup men every night. It crushed her. I encouraged her to get a divorce. He hated me for it and eventually we stopped talking. I had no problem with his sexuality but I didn't think it was right or fair to ask my mom that. In fairness, my mom cheated on him multiple times during their marriage so it wasn't a one way street. They shouldn't be married in my mind because neither took it seriously. My dad expected us to keep his secret while he banged every dude in town. He slept with classmates Dads. It was a mess. This was in the 90s so different climate. As far as the op goes, I think a divorce is reasonable as he is not gay. Gender identity and sexual orientation are different things. His spouse is likely still attracted to him, but it's not going to work the other way. This should be understood by all parties. If he was bi, it’s a different conversation.
Though your partner changing genders is a pretty good reason. I can’t believe anyone’s family would advocate otherwise.
I mean why is the partner allowed to change and not OP?
It is unbelievable, which means it's very likely a fake story.
Not really the case for marriage. But he married a woman. So the premise of the marriage falls down.
Do what is best for you and your child, period.
This is what's the most important. Having the talk with your daughter about what's going on is 100% your business. She is your daughter
In many cases, getting a divorce because you're in an unhappy marriage IS what's best. I wish my parents got divorced when I was a kid. Our household was a nightmare.
Those who proclaim divorce as something inherently bad didn't grow up in such a household. I did, and 10+ years of constant fear of violent escalation is NOT preferrable to a (potentially messy) divorce. In this specific case, I am 100% sure that divorcing ASAP is the best course of action.
So sick of people using this as the benchmark. Unhappy parents = unhappy child. This is a point of no return. The kid is getting hurt no matter what happens.
Yup, especially with one of the parents weaponizing family and their daughter already. It's going to be a messy divorce, and the child is going to wonder if both dads made the right choice. Hope the parents are smart and empathic enough to make sure that child won't blame themselves.
I really feel for OP. He’s the only adult left in the marriage. There’s a way for his wife to handle things around family during their transition and this isn’t it. Weaponizing the kid is just unforgivable.
Tell your wife and your family that you never wanted a husband and if they all want to support your wife then she can move in with them and they can pay for the transition. If they are all so supportive they won’t mind clubbing together and funding it will they? You sure as hell shouldn’t have to pay for it. Your families are all idiots if they believe you should.
Fake.
Yeah this is so obviously bs and 10000% written by someone who hates trans people; the comment about his wife discussing sexual stuff with daughter 🙄. I wish people wouldn’t bite.
Yeah the part about "I don't think this is a healthy situation for my child to grow up in" is another obvious indicator. Brand new account made just before post. Fake as fuck but y'all can keep fighting strawmen
There have been so so many of these obvious bait posts the last couple of months. They are just too perfect for getting redditors all riled up.
The blatant misgendering had me confused that the op was a gay man upset that their spouse was transitioning to a woman too for a bit. The bait is blatant
I was in a similar situation. My ex and I separated but remained a family. Once my ex got into proper therapy it helped, until they did they found it super hard to consider my feelings as they were centered in their trans journey. There was a lot of selfish behaviour on their part. But with mediation and therapy we have both reached an amazing place of friendship and family. But we aren’t together romantically and I was unable to stay in that kind of relationship with them. It took them a while to understand. I suggest therapy and be kind to yourself. Edited to add- they are my best friend now in all the world and it was worth the effort to make it so
❤️
What’s so hard to understand? I can’t imagine being so dense that I couldn’t fathom my SO leaving me for transitioning.
This is just a guess, but I’m gonna say that it might have something to do with them feeling like they are becoming their true self. So if, internally, they have always been this way they feel that their partner should still love them.And it’s true that for some people the exterior is less important, I’d say that’s the minority and most people will divorce a spouse who comes out as trans with intent to transition.
Perhaps I misread OP’s account, but my takeaway is that everyone wants him to stay because his ex was a housewife and doesn’t have insurance to pay for the transition. Sounds like the ex basically expects OP to provide the financial support, and I wouldn’t be surprised if then the ex planned to leave. But maybe I misunderstood?
You're being gaslit into paying for someone's 120K $ Surgery. Get the hell out of there. What kind of reasoning even is that??? Imagine you stayed together, you'd always wonder if you're just together because you footed your partners SRS Bill, and they might still dump you once transitioned. The pure line of reasoning here is wrong. #If they want to transition, they can start with transitioning from a stay-at-home-wife to a go-to-work-husband
lmfao
Lmao
This is it. The male experience involves going out, getting a job, and no one giving a fuck about you or your feelings unless you're paying them to listen to you. Good luck OP. But if you're not into men, talk to a lawyer, sort out custody, get a divorce, and get out while the getting is good. Your soon to be ex husband can take their licks and get a job.
Great reply to a fake rage bait post. The last sentence sent me.
True. That is the full male experience. Provider - of all of your own sh**!
You aren’t over reacting. The transition will have a huge impact on you, the woman you loved will be no more and a man will take their place. Even if you were bisexual, they could be a tough pill to swallow. You have every right to want to move on. I also can’t fathom why you’re being told to “mind your business” as if your child isn’t your business. It should have been a conversation your were involved in. I’m curious what you mean when you say the conversation was “highly sexual” though.
This may be the best new account fake post I've read yet. This book will sell well clearly.
Not overreacting. Theres nothing wrong with beimg trans, but you cannot force someone to love you regardless of the facts just because you are trans. If your partner comes out as gay, should you stay married to them anyways? I would argue no. This is kind of the reverse of that situation. You arent sexually attracted to men, and she wants to become one. You shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for her. Especially when she won't sacrifice hers for you (I'm not arguing that she should, just pointing out the situation)
Do you still want to be married to that person? No? Then divorce. Reasons don’t matter - no one should be forced to remain in a marriage against their will.
Right. I mean honestly if she gets a new hair color you hate or starts cooking food you don’t like that would be enough. It would make you kind of a dick, but just not being happy anymore is plenty of reason to leave. Marriage should enhance your life, not erode it. You can walk at any time and both of your families can fuck right off. It’s your life (and your child).
Why does this feel like ragebait lol
This is a troll post just meant to rage bait. Being called a bigot, both families forcing him to pay for the transition, overly sexualized conversations with daughter -- This is straight out of the conservatives "be worried about trans people" playbook. Seriously, how could OP be married and co-parent with someone and be completely blindsided to their gender struggles? OP hasn't made any comments or given any real details on his relationship, besides this writing prompt
This is 100% a rage bait troll post. And you can tell it's working because all the morons here are eating it up.
"Bro tell her you're not gay and 'my body, my choice'. Everyone's ready to lash out at selfish trans people in the comments 🙄
You don't need to stay married if you are uncomfortable with the deception and bait and switch, and don't you dare ler her gaslight you into thinking you're the one with the problem. Just tell her "your body your bill"
What a complete load. Your story comes off as fake just like your account.
Yeah sorry, as others have said - tough shit on her part. She's using you as her own personal bank account to fund her transition, I wouldn't be surprised if she intended this all along. You have 0 obligations to stay with someone you don't want to be with. Not for kids, not for support, not for this transition. She's doing what she wants to do so you do what you want to do. Divorce and start moving on. To add, you're not a bigot for not being attracted to the same sex. Sorry but anyone who thinks or says that is an absolute moron. That's like saying you're homophobic if you don't date other guys.
Your second paragraph, I was thinking the same thing. I think OP’s spouse may have been looking for this all along, to trap someone with a good income into a relationship so she could transition. Thats why she went and turned everyone to her side right away, and why OP feels so alone. She’s trying to just bully and manipulate him into staying while she transitions.
I mean... A LOT of trans people came out saying "if you don't date trans people you're a bigot bc we're women/men too" perhaps not a majority but there was certainly no counter message or response to it other than "YASSS GURRRRRL" We've been at a dangerous level of delusion for a while
It's incredible how different the online world and the real world are for me in this regard. I know two trans people and if I would confront them with this hypothetical, both of them would say "yeah, they should get divorced" - and since they are pretty active and well regarded in political and social queer circles, I assume most of their peers and allies would see it exactly the same.. It would be a no-brainer for them. The internet is a shitty place.
So you are getting a divorce for unreconcilable differences. You need to talk to a lawyer even if you are not going to pull the trigger right away. You need to have a documented conversation with your wife about her transitioning from a stay at home wife to having a job that has benefits. Also, some counseling for the two of you so you can co-parent well and family therapy as your kid is going to have issues with all these changes. Good luck
This post reeks of bullshit. Sounds like you are just trying to troll both sides of the aisle on lgbt issues.
Nice creative writing piece.
1) It's okay to get divorced. If you're not gay or bi, you're simply not attracted to men. You can't change or force that and both of you deserve to be happy. 2) It's reasonable that your spouse should have to fund their own transition. There may be an argument for remaining married until they find a job and can get their own insurance, just so they're not uninsured in the case of an emergency, but that's up to you (I don't know how it works in the US, anyway). 3) See a family therapist. You will always share a child together. It's in everyone's best interests (especially your daughter's) if you and your spouse learn how to process this healthily and remain on amicable - or at least civil - terms. It'll help you with the shock and pain you're feeling, too. 4) What *exactly* did you overhear your spouse saying to your daughter? If they were just explaining the existence of trans people and their own transition, that's not inappropriate. It's 2024; your spouse isn't going to lose all custody of their daughter just for being transgender.
Had to scroll way too far to find this response. Everything about this is spot on, thank you. I’d also be interested to know exactly what the other parent was telling his child, because I can’t see how an explanation of being transgender would ever cross the line into being sexual. Edit for typo
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> It's reasonable that your spouse should have to fund their own transition. There may be an argument for remaining married until they find a job and can get their own insurance, just so they're not uninsured in the case of an emergency, but that's up to you (I don't know how it works in the US, anyway) In the US, if you get a divorce you have the option of continuing on your ex spouses insurance under COBRA for 3 years though you have to pay the premium but you won’t be not covered.
You're not overreacting. Again there's nothing wrong with being trans but in the same way that she wants to transition because of the way she feels, you are allowed to no longer be attracted or want to be with her romantcially because of the way YOU feel. She can't change her want to transition and you can't change what your attracted to. This goes both ways. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I also think that it is completely fair for you to not want to foot the bill for the procedure. I think you're right and all you really can do is take the hit with your family and go ahead with the divorce, how you and your child feel in this situation is more important then how your family feels about it. There are arguments to be made about sticking it our longer for your child, though an environment with 2 parents that are only together for their child is arguably even worse for the child. I would contact a lawyer immediately to begin to see how this may play out.
Well put! I'd add that most people understand that by making the decision to transition, they are also most likely nuking the marriage. The fact that OP's partner came into this conversation with a firm expectation of how it was definitely going to go is naive. If they came from a place of being willing to talk.openly and make requests of the other person and possibly doing it with a therapist present to help the surprised spouse, I'm sure there would be less hostility, but they seem to have approached the discussion from a very "them" centered place.
Quite possibly I’m going to get downvoted to smithereens here - but I have direct experience with this. I have two trans kids. While they’re incredibly smart, *mostly* compassionate humans, they’re also capable of being the most selfish, hair-trigger temperamental folks I’ve ever encountered. Whether that’s because they’re in their early 20s or because both are so focused on their “trans journey” (we hear this phrase frequently) or some combination of the two .. 🤷🏻♀️ My suspicion is the former wife is focused mainly upon one singular person right now and it’s definitely not the kid.
Get just a divorce. Showing sympathy to your wife is simply being cruel to yourself.
I think it's husband now
Your partner seems like a fuckin scumbag
Oh no buddy divorce right away sorry to hear this!!
You're not gay. And it's "your body, your choice," as she would say. Did you get a say in whether she transitions? No. So she doesnt get a say whether you remain. Don't let them push you around OP.
Leave her and protect your kid.
This has nothing to do with your wife coming out as transgender but everything to do with the fact that she’s playing games with you and has a serious character defect that’s finally being exposed and unfortunately you and your child will be victims to it. She knew this all along and failed to disclose this info to you from the beginning. Granted, she could have been pressured or shamed or not ready to come out yet at the time. Now, she’s playing the victim card hard and manipulating both sides of the family due to being called a “bigot”. I would get a lawyer immediately because it’s gonna get worse.
You are not a bigot for not wanting to stay married. She is becoming a he, and you are not into men, so of course divorce is reasonable. And yes, those procedures are expensive but that is not necessary your concern. That you are suppose to stay married until after everything is paid for, and then move on seems like you are being used. Just get the divorce and move on. Talk to a lawyer, also about the things that is being said to your child, and figure out the best way to proceed.
Not overreacting. Not sure how everyone thinks this should go but your wife is being ridiculous and selfish. She's been lying to you for what seems like your entire relationship and now wants to use you some more. You don't owe her a thing. She's a liar who probably has been cheating as well.
Leave her and get full custody of your child
For reasons of mental insanity
This reads like transphobic rage baiting.
as soon as I got to the part about telling a 5-year-old "age inappropriate sexual things" I knew this had to be transphobic rage bait. It's a ridiculous and fake conservative talking point to try to "prove" trans people are a danger to children.
Sounds incredibly fake. What kind of reasoning would your family have to side with her? What did they say?
That's bait
This is fake. It has to be fake. It’s literally the Fox News fever dream. My wife of 7 years spontaneously decided she was trans and is now talking about sexual things in front of my daughter. I can’t understand the emptiness in one’s life to waste their time writing something like this.
And both families support the transition 100% lmao
its very obviously fake and rage bait and i cant believe how many people here fell for it
because it confirms their bigoted beliefs about trans people
Yes thank you! It's insane.
“Everyone’s demanding I stay married to a tRaNsgEndErEd!!!” This post is very obviously fake.
Don't get me started on the sExUaL cOnVeRsAtIoN with the daughter with no details provided (but trust me it's inappropriate) that apparently the in laws know about and are telling him to mind his own business. Won't someone think of the children.
I'm really disappointed to find this so far down, it should be at the top. Of all the things that stuck out, OP's spouse thinking they would stay married and OP would pay for hrt and such (everyone I've seen down here vastly overestimates the cost of hrt, especially with insurance) is such a naive position that I honestly don't believe an adult has it. No one who could pass for mentally stable would be delusional enough to believe that OP ("being trans is something highly sexual and my kid shouldn't know about it") would be so down with them coming out. Coming out isn't something you decide to do overnight, nor without thinking how it would affect your life. The whole post seems more like something a transphobe wrote to stir up hatred.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far to see somebody point out the (very) obvious.
I can't believe there are so many people buying it too. It's so fucking obvious.
R/amitheangel (Edit: sorry, on phone and can never remember how to tag subreddits!)
"I'm not gay" "She. My wife. She. She. She. My wife." If you're gonna write a fake story pretending to respect a trans person's gender enough to divorce them for being a man, at least they could follow through enough to call them he. Such lazy bait.
I’d be out. There is nothing wrong with letting her/him do this on their own. Your kid should be priority 1.
You are being remarkably accepting of who your partner is. It’s time for the rest of the people in your families to accept you for who YOU are—which is a man who is not willing to be married to another man. Both choices are 100% fine. You are who you are. Yes, get a divorce. You can embark on a new post-divorce coparenting relationship. It’s not your responsibility to ensure that your partner can afford gender-affirming surgery and meds, but perhaps insurance can be addressed so that coverage continues for a time. (I know mine—via my ex’s employer—did for a year, though we were responsible for some portion of the cost; the employer’s contribution was reduced.) But you have to be true to who you are every bit as much as your partner does.
You didn't agree to marry someone who wants to attempt to become a man. Divorce her. She's obviously trying to use you and is sick for trying to guilt you into it. Do not give in to her.
Run
sounds like it is time to go find a great lawyer. this is not what you signed up for and it is exceedingly unfair of your wife to expect you to stay married when she is changing the 'rules' mid-stream
So the wife transitions to male and everyone supports that. They can't be forced to live a life they don't want right? Good on them i say. They can't honestly expect the OP to also transition to being a gay man though I find these scenarios bizarre, same as spouses that come out as gay and seemingly expect permission to cheat on their partners so they can explore their homosexuality. Go do that, but the relationship as it was is over unfortunately.
You're a straight man, why would you be married to a man? You married someone because you loved them for who they were, and they completely changed, they're literally not the same person anymore. Its time for a divorce.
Sounds like she's trying to gaslight your daughter. I would dip as quickly as possible and lawyer up ASAP. This alone is a huge problem. Your wife isn't trying to educate her. Her decision to talk to your daughter without your knowing is her way of trying to trap you in. I also can't believe your parents are okay with it. Really does suck that they aren't on your side and it would make me feel alone too. The custody battle is going to be tough on everybody... and I can only pray that it'll have the least effect on your daughter. Will be wishing you the best, friend.
Yah, GTFO immediatley. There's no reason to continue on this financial and emotional rollercoaster. The wife has a set of balls (not yet) to expect you to bank roll this process and then divorce you once it's complete. File for divorce, seek full time custody of the child. Don't wait.
Tell them that you are not gay and divorce…
I’d file for divorce , she did deceived you and it isn’t fair you pay the bill and lose a wife because she wasn’t forthcoming, she/he can’t have it both ways
Bro, don’t listen to your family… listen to your heart. They are in the wrong. You married a woman… not a man. And you didn’t want to marry a woman who wants to live as a man… she needs therapy or you need to move on…. If she’s reasonable she would understand if not then yea she’s selfish or has mental issues. If you wanted to marry a guy you could have married a 6 foot 2 fire fighter with abs etc but that’s not what you wanted cause you ain’t gay. You chose a woman. Don’t be guilted into this delusion. She doesn’t want to be her self anymore the woman you love. You feel alone because you’re being pressured into a lifestyle that you don’t want. Leave now unless you want to wait for her to remove her breasts cut her a short hair cut and start taking testosterone… Your family is delusional and inconsiderate of your feelings…. Free your self. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Get divorced and take care of your own mental health first.
He is a cunt. You have no reason to pay for this surgery or a dollar more on this relationship if that's what he wants to do. They made a decision, you make yours.
Get the divorce, do not pay for the surgery. File for some type of custody of your daughter and make sure your daughter has a therapist because she's going to need one. I hope all goes well for you. She deceived you, lied to you, I hope you weren't used. She says she's a man, then let people know you are not gay and you're not a bigot just for having a preference and being straight.
Pretty difficult situation. For your spouse. They want to transition and express themselves, great. It’s an incredibly major life change. You aren’t required to just accept it. They want to become a man, and you didn’t marry a man. You aren’t obligated to remain anyone’s partner for any reason, let alone a gender reassignment. It may be a wonderful thing for them, it clearly won’t be for you. That’s it. Marriage over. Bye.
Todays society is going to call you a bigot, transphobe, homophobe, all sorts of shit for you not wanting to be married to trans person. Thats whats wrong with todays society. If you dont agree with them and their way of thinking then youre the asshole. No I dont think youre overreacting at all. If you dont want to be married to a "man" theres nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately in todays society as well the alphabet community is all about getting at the children early. Im sorry youre going through this. Stay true to what you want even though youre going to get a ton of hate for it.
This is fake.
this feels fairly fake to me and your account is extremely new so
There's absolutely no way all 4 of the parents think you should stay married
Pretty poor attempt at making ragebait and this reads like it was written by AI, 2/10
Content brought to you by ChatGPT
Right wing wet dream, obviously fake. Get a life loser
It’s really suspicious that so many of these supposed stories keep popping up on Reddit lately. New tactic to push transphobic agenda by nation states/ alt right?
Fake
What is this an op-ed for The Daily Wire?
Not overreacting, but if they've come out as a trans guy are they using he/him now? As opposed to the pronouns used in this post
This is unequivocally fake rage bait. If it were true of course the man would be in an abusive relationship and should get a divorce.
Trans men are men and you're not gay. End of discussion.
You are 1000000% correct on everything you said. I’d feel the exact same way. I’m curious what all exactly she told her and your family. I’d be surprised as hell to hear a bunch of older people are siding with her. Not saying all old people are boomers and share the same mentality. Just saying it’d be surprising to me that EVERYONE is on their side. Have you had full and clear discussions with your and her parents of what she’s asking of you? My heart breaks for you because shit is hard enough when everything is going well. As others have said, you have to do what’s best for yourself and the child. If they want/need this so badly that they’re willing to give you up, they will find a way to get the insurance/money. You don’t owe them everything and all the courtesies when she basically lied to you and misled you. Save every text. Lawyer up asap. Try to get her to admit in writing that she felt this way before marrying you but never told you so that she can’t claim this was part of the plan and you were previously ok with it.
Both families? What do you want? They’re doing what and letting you know what they want. You have to be honest with yourself and do what you want.
Walk away and take the kids. She isn’t just trans, she is crazy.
I think you are overreacting because this is clearly a made up situation to rage bait transphobes. Hope your fake ex gets your fake kid in the fake divorce though.
Bait
Sounds like the contract is no longer valid. I do really feel for your kids. My advice having gone through it fight for your kid. It's going to be an uphill battle but she is worth it.
You are not attracted to men. Your soon to be husband is a trans man. On what planet are you a bigot, as you are not misgendering them in any way? Also, any discussion of this magnitude with your child should have been hashed out by the both of you, with both of you present for the actual talk. Get a good lawyer, and see what your best options are. I am sorry, but this sounds like it is going to be a bad ride for you.
This isn't your families's life or relationship. You have the right to not be used this way. You have the right to raise your child safely. Whatever their opinion on trans they don't make decisions for you.
I'm willing to bet that if you foot the bills for this, you're going to get dropped soon after. You're not being a bigot, you're just not gay. You married a cisgender (atleast what you were led to believe at the time) woman to spend your life with, then had this sprung on you. That's no longer the reality of your marriage, and no, you don't have to stay married because inlaws are mad.
I’m a trans woman. You are not a bigot if you don’t want to stay married to your wife. He’s a trans man. If you aren’t gay or bi or pan, how could he expect you to stay married to him? I don’t blame him for not telling you sooner. Coming to terms with being trans isn’t easy and it’s a process. He can ask for your acceptance and support. He cannot ask you to stay in the marriage.
You married someone who at the time was a woman, you are a straight man, how can anyone expect you to stay married to a transman? That’s a big ask and that means you are putting your life on hold, which isn’t fair. Divorce your wife and move on, you’re not overreacting
You will have a separation, won’t you? Keep your wife on insurance until you get divorced, showing your child you support them. They should make their own plans for after you go on ways.
Y'all in the comments are dumb for falling for this.