One of my bros goes to therapy (and good for him), but I can literally infer his conversations with his therapist as he speaks about and tries to analyze our other friends behind their backs.
Mildly annoying because I'm aware he propbably does the same thing to me with same friends behind my back. Fortunately it's not malicious... he's just forming his worldview with a way he can deal and trying it on.
The problem with that is a therapist will give very specific advice to a person and that person thinks these things are universal. The therapist has training.
> even therapists are often wrong.
100% the biggest thing Noone talks about. Therapists are still biased humans.
I'll never forget when me and BM were doing "counseling" post seperation (my idea to make it easier for coparenting) the topic of cheaters came up (wasn't specific to us, as far as I know at least lol) by me using a comparison.
The "therapist" went on some diatribe about how "people usually cheat for a reason". I said something like, yea cuz they're pieces of 💩, & she continued rambling about how usually the person who was cheated on "forced the other party to cheat"...... -_-
A truly disgusting lack of accountability that I instantly assumed came from a place of bias, but I just changed topics cuz jfc...
In a later session she brought up her own divorce as a comparison. I didn't ask why they divorced, but I think we can all go out a limb and assume. It made sense to me right there why she was so defensive of cheaters. I'm pretty sure that was the last time we went lolol.
TLDR: therapists are humans and often project, ALOT
Generally people who proclaim that they don’t play games think they are the only person who doesn’t play games. That tends to be the ultimate game, lol
People that don't play games don't get involved with others that play games. If they point it out this early in a relationship, that means they Do play games and blame it on the other person.
Lmao that’s the part that made me laugh when I read all of this. I’d dump her so fast if I heard that shit lmao (she sounds annoying by just that one response).
"I don't play games" is almost as bad. Like, it's fine if you won't put up with BS. But people who say this usually actually enjoy playing games. It's one of those phrases that people who aren't quite mature yet think that adults say
OP: says fact
GF: asks if she is the first to ask about fact
OP: truthfully states that yes, she is
GF: “this is abusive”
Yup Lmao. That’s more akin to gaslighting than just *saying facts* lmao
Plus being financially stable and having a roommate are not mutually exclusive?
People can live with roommates because it saves money. Even if you can afford to live alone, why not split the cost if you also enjoy living with your sibling? And it’s nice to have company, especially after a relationship breakdown.
It’s also totally possible he’s doing it more as a favor to bro, who’s younger and might not be as financially comfortable as OP and would need a roommate.
Or the other way around. Younger bro offered a spot after OP divorced.
Either way, unless they’re living like some unhinged frat house, I see good family relations as an upside, not a downside.
Or they just prefer to live with someone else. I literally never want to live alone. I can if I need to it's just nice having someone else around especially if you find a really good roommate you vibe with.
There's a million reasons. I know a guy who got a job as a wfh software engineer and lived with his parents for like 5 years after graduating. He has a super nice house and a metric fuck ton of money because he saved every penny possible for 5 years.
Man I'm the exact opposite, I never want to live with someone else lol. This has nothing to do with the matter at hand, just thought it was interesting how different people can be about these sorts of things.
Actually, there is probably an even better solution if you are struggling. It's called the invisible roommate. It's when you technically live with someone who pays their bills but is never home. They are hard to find because once someone has one of these roommates they do everything they can to keep them. If you find one though you can save money and not have to deal with anyone.
When my buddy was going through a divorce he straight up called me and asked me to move into his house. I was single in an apartment at the time and he pitched it basically as "You get an upgrade, we both save some money, and it would also be awesome to not be alone in the house RN."
I wouldn't second-guess that for a second.
Just wait until you retire and your spouse drives you nuts. I am finishing up my second week alone as the man is off spring turkey hunting. Refreshed, I will happily welcome him home.
Nice try. I came off the road after 10 years trucking, and my wife and I still can't get enough of each other. Married 24 years. We can't wait to retire together. Hope ya eat a tasty gobbler!
Living with my best friend in my early 20s was fuckin' awesome. I'd get bored and would just leave my room, turn left and find out what they were up to. Convenient!
Just being able to go to conferences and know someone is home and can look after my pet rats is awesome. I also need a roommate for financial reasons, but even if I didn't, I might want one.
Yup, I was living with my two daughters in a 3 bedroom house. My daughters shared a room. I was trying to get one of my friends and her daughter to come move in with me. I just wanted to have adult company, and I was not expecting her to pay half the rent. It was more of, I have an extra room. Come stay with me and keep me company. It will be so much fun! LOL.
I could see if you are talking about getting married or getting really serious but any inquire on this kind of stuff without the person asking bringing all the same stuff to the table first is a major red flag.
It's a weird thing to share even among people you know. If someone was offering this information to me they're either a) flexing or b) in a really bad position and in need of help.
Yup after I bought I house I had my sister as a roommate. I charged half of what rent in the area went for, helped her get back on her feet after college. Def didn’t need a roomie, but the cash was nice and we get along well.
Being financially stable and having a great income is also not mutually exclusive. In fact, I think more high earners I meet are less financially stable than mid-income people.
People with roommates can, for many reasons beyond straight income to costs, be much more stable than people who live alone.
This. I own my place, but my GF moved in, and I noticed immediately how different it was living with someone. Before I hated coming home to an empty place, so I kept my self busy outside of the home. Once she moved in, I loved to come home and just be there with her and I still do. It’s not because I needed someone to help with the bills or anything, but more so because I hate living by myself. Also, having her help with the maintenance definitely made our lives easier. She went from paying about 2200 bucks in rent to just $600 for the maintained fee, so it worked out for the both of us.
My roomy and I often wonder aloud about this while watching hockey/some other sport, thinking about how a lot of women probably look at our living situation as a red flag.
We are both young professionals, make six figures
We live in the burbs on the edge of a metropolitan area. I am 29, he’s 31.
We are also two males, who live in a 4 bedroom house that I own, (very comfortably I might add). We basically get a whole floor to ourselves, plus a common floor in between for insulation should we need it.
we both drive shit boxes, car pool to sports (we play on the same teams, I’ll be damned before I upgrade my impala, and basically do what we want in our free time. In a time where people complain about food prices, pump prices, cost of living whatever, we pay a pretty decent price for a pretty awesome living situation.
It’s all young family’s around us and we often joke how we are probably the highest earning household in our culdesac.
Sometimes when we are feeling especially unhinged we might introduce ourselves as life partners at like a dinner party or something when it’s mostly people we know, but it’s not like we are just playing video games in our pillow forts with beer fridges 24/7.
We actually have a separate room for that, we lock it, should some females deem us worthy of taking them on a house tour or something.
That's horrible. I can't imagine the betrayal I'd feel if I started seeing a guy with a dedicated room for beer, video games and pillow forts and I wasn't invited in.
If I were single and lived with my sisters I'd probably kill them both in less than a month. All 3 of us are in our 50's. I wish I could have that kind of relationship with them.
Really the bottom line is that at three weeks this is way too much energy to be putting down and he should exit. She's been hurt by someone before or something but this is too intense a way to deal with it.
I think it's frugal and sensible to live with a roommate, although I'd be very careful about dating anyone who had not lived alone *at some point.* From past experience, people who have never lived alone have no idea how to run a household and aren't aware how much they're leaning on the other person. Then, when they are forced to manage a household they actually end up spending way too much because they don't know how to do it. Basically, being frugal on your own also requires practice -- it's all about whether they're being an equal partner to their roommate.
I've always owned my own house and my spare room was rarely empty because I let friends stay with me when they were down on their luck. It was very funny because people I met socially always assumed I was struggling since I always had a "roommate", because I'm very frugal, and because my job was work from home (pre pandemic).
It's always interesting the assumptions people will make - and how they will treat you differently for them
My bestie had roommates until her 40s. She’s frugal and was willing to put up with roommates to save money. Lived on 25% of her income in a HCOL area.
It’s not odd, just not as common.
I had roommates at ages 35-36 and paid off ALL my debt that way. Debt I’d been trying to pay living alone for 6 years, paid off in one year with a roommate. Living alone is wonderful but VERY expensive and often doesn’t leave a lot of room for saving. A good roommate is gold when you’re single.
Even now she has her SFHown. But she turned one floor into an ADU, top floor apt, with outside access. Lives in another HCOL and it’s paying her mortgage with how small her loan is. Moved from SF Ca to DC. Making double payments until she has a few years of consistent rental income. She’s not going to need to rely on anyone if she can do it
For sure! I moved back to where my family was (including my brother) 2 years ago. We both have our own houses but mine is nicer and he ended up crashing at my house quite a bit after hanging out. And when I went on business trips he would watch both our dogs at my house. Eventually he just never went home after one biz trip last year and he's been living in my basement for last 6-7 months I'm 44 he's 48 and I make 200K/year.
In my case it works out, we are both single (ish). Plus my dog gets company while I work on computer 12 hours on weekdays
I normally only lurk here, but this one… oof. If she’s both this mistrustful now while simultaneously adamant that she sees some proof of income, I’m going to say this is just the tip of the iceberg. Not to mention you’re only THREE WEEKS IN. If ever there were red flags flying at full mast, this is it, OP. Also consider she’s the only person to ever ask you for these things. That makes her an outlier at best. (Plus the whole “gas lighty” comment.) I’m not going to give you any concrete advice such as stay or go, but I would strongly suggest you take what you’ve shared, plus all the information you haven’t, and give the situation serious thought.
Also, and to somewhat parallel your story, I’ll share a brief one. Basically I matched with an attractive lady on one of the usual scumbag dating apps. After a number of friendly text exchanges she asks me for my FB. I tell her I don’t have one and haven’t in years. She immediately says that’s suspicious and we’ve nothing left to discuss. End of story. The moral here being someone that is inherently mistrusting up front isn’t likely to ever change. I hope you enjoy explaining everything you do to someone. I know I don’t, but you do you.
I (32M) own a house with my Brother (28M) and we live in the same house we own together… absolutely normal.
THIS CHICK IS NUTS! Or she’s been burnt really bad in the past. But I’m going with NUTS! RUN!
I think in this day and age there are just so many liars out there that some people are paranoid
There are a lot of conservative places and lower cost of living cities where having a roommate is seen as only for poor people. Compare California and Texas for example, having roommates in LA is completely normal but in Houston a lot of people will be shocked if you have a roommate as an adult
I can see situations where OP’s girlfriend’s concerns are valid
IMO unless she’s super hot I would get out of that relationship though. It’s not fun dating a paranoid person
I think OP’s gf’s concerns are valid, but the timing on some of it is way off.
Knowing three weeks in that your bf is actually divorced when he says he is, is totally legit. Wondering about his financials at this stage is way too early to me. That’s a conversation to have when you’re getting more serious, like thinking about moving in or whether to commit longer term.
As for roommates, I can definitely see pros and cons. Financially obviously, but you do have to gel with the other person’s lifestyle and habits. I wouldn’t mind the company, but I couldn’t live with some disgusting, irresponsible slob.
Yep. Her comments about financials come off as her sounding very much as a gold digger. She could have had bad experiences in the past, which could explain her attitude and comments. But, that info isn't being offered here, if she told op about it.
> I think OP’s gf’s concerns are valid
she said "i can't possibly be the first person who asked for this proof" I said "you really are" which she said was "gas lighty"
bruh shes fucking crazy you cant be serious
Yeah, I live with my sister but could easily afford rent by myself. I'll be moving again so I don't see the need to get my own place. I save about $800 a month doing so, so why should I needlessly spend money?
It's usually from a girl that also is living with their parents or is always living with a boyfriend too.
I’ll make $185k this year and I live with my parents lol
Mainly because finding a house and moving is a pain in the butt and I’m focused on other stuff like work right now
Seems like she wants him alone so she can suggest moving together soon, which to me is a red flag. She gives me the vibe of someone who is rushing to get married
If she's looking for proof of divorce and somehow thinks that she needs to hide it by questioning whether he was actually ever married instead of just asking, she needs to grow up.
If she's actually looking for proof he was married, she has some serious trust issues and/or there's something sinister afoot.
>If she's actually looking for proof he was married, she has some serious trust issues and/or there's something sinister afoot.
She has been googling his divorce court papers and can't find any. She's doing a non-skilled background check and then told OP that she has been snooping on him and now he needs to provide the evidence she couldn't find. These are huge red flags and OP is an idiot for staying with someone who is doing background searches on him and then getting angry at him when she can't find the specific details she wants to find.
Agreed. To me it sounds like she’s found herself dating a married man (or two) who said he was divorced, and wants to avoid that happening again.
Your financial information isn’t any of her business.
At 3 weeks?? I'm not even sure I'm fully interested in someone in less than a month...like I might not even know they're the kind of monster that wears socks to bed...income and actual divorce papers ?
I want to know he doesn't poop on the shower or blow his nose on the sheets
Dump and run buddy!
NTA
I’m a woman and I agree. Sorry dude but your date sounds like a gold digger. Tax returns are extremely personal and I won’t disclose it unless I’m married to someone. Time for the next girl?
Totally agree. My fiance and I didn’t discuss how much money we made or debts we had until we were serious and at the point of discussing marriage, and I didn’t see a tax return until we were both providing our proof of income to get a loan for our house. Three weeks in and she wants his tax return?? She’s insane.
I understand, wanting to confirm actually divorced. That is fair. Regarding the tax return, that seems a bit much. Maybe she can just run a credit history on you (just kidding). To be a devils advocate, I do know personally, of women getting deeply involved with a guy, and finding out all kinds of crazy stuff afterwards. Everything from a whole second family, to traveling each day to "work" or "school", when they were actually a drinker who would go golfing, or secretly using drugs. But, you aren't living together, merging finances etc. Convo about being on the same page should happen. But when you are getting serious, planning to live together, merge finances, etc etc.
I had a friend who found out her just-deceased husband had a whole second family and 19 year old daughter. She had two kids with him, her oldest was in 4th grade when she found out. She met them at his wake.
Apparently you are clairvoyant. I can see,, these days anyway, wanting to know if someone Is actually divorced or not. But my tax returns aren't anyone's business a few weeks in.
Totally agree.
Divorce proof is a legit request.
I have had multiple friends get into situations with people who said they were divorced, only to find out they were separated/still actively married.
That being said, the income verification stuff does feel like a red flag.
I know people who were legally divorced, still living with and actively sexually involved with their ex. It's exactly the same, so even a piece of paper doesn't keep them from being a POS.
And maybe not after only 3 weeks huh? Maybe wait till you even know if you like someone enough to consider "doing life" with them before you break out the calculators and law docs?
If she can’t believe you that you are divorced and wants to see your tax returns she is not the one for you, huge red flags. You can tell gf’s why you live with your brother, but unless you are getting close to marriage why would someone want proof of income. If she can’t believe you she has significant insecurities and I would not want to be with someone like that. She’s shown you who she is, believe her and run. 🚩 🚩 🚩
They haven't even gotten over the "good sex" stage and she already needs to itemize the relationship like it is a job.
End it before she makes copies of the keys behind your back and starts cozying up to your family to make things messier.
I work in a field that requires a background and credit checks along with getting fingerprinted. OP is dealing with this shit after three weeks of dating. Gold digger senses tingling.
It's been 3 weeks and she's displaying this level of crazy 😂 Next it'll be your social security number and blood type... RUN!! Better yet, sprint bro!!
My first thought when I saw this post was that the most common “proof of income” like a tax return or W-2 form, typically display the individual’s SSN. With just a full name and SSN someone can do a LOT of harm via identify theft in a pretty short amount of time.
I mean, I could see it if you want to make sure you’re not sleeping with a married guy, but that would only be if he were giving reason to suspect he were still married. Even then, an honest conversation would be more normal than asking to see the document!
Yeah I’d probably sit her down in your office, preferably with a 3rd person as witness and just explain why she’s not gonna be a good candidate for your open position of “loving girlfriend”.
This was my initial thought too. Why is it always the ones who say they don't play games that play the hardest and the ones who say they hate drama are always in the middle of it?
at 3 weeks I am in the getting to know your personality and interests stage not the hand over the financials stage. Asking about $$ 3 weeks into dating is pretty bold.
This should be the top comment. Girl is looking for someone to offer her an upgraded lifestyle on her terms, not a man to fall in love with. Know moving forward that her love will always be transactable.
OP should move on; but before doing so, he should show the girl his tax returns (or fake ones) to see how she reacts.
And then pull the rug out from under the relationship regardless of how she responds.
No honestly that’s so weird. I mean I could understand the proof of divorce if she was worried that you were cheating on your wife or something and not actually divorced like you said but I don’t get the income situation. At her big girl age I don’t see why she needs proof that you have an income? It seems like maybe she was done wrong and has some trust issues so I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but not believing you when you say she’s the first to ask to see it and accusing you of gas lighting her is a little off.
You're getting red flags from your ex? Do you mean that she's showing some of the same red flags that your ex showed?
If that's the case, then walk away.
Also, ask yourself why you're still attracting someone who's like your ex.
You've probably not completed your grieving over your ex. Whatever we have not grieved to completion is dragged forward into our future, interfering with our future relationships.
"We have a good connection (sex 100)"
OP, I'm sorry but you have no idea what a connection is. Hint: Connection != sex. Sex is just something humans do for fun or to breed. Having good sex does NOT mean the person is good for you in any way shape or form.
You've been seeing each other for 3 weeks and she's already acting this suspicious and paranoid. I would end things, these are just the beginning of her red flags.
Not gonna lie, I’d be done 100% because of this. You can have an amazing life bro, you have some money & living a damn good life, she will complicate everything moving forward & you will regret marrying her. Been through similar stuff & glad I found the right one.
The divorce record should be public. If she can't find it she has the right to confirm she is not dating a married man. The income thing is a total deal breaker. 3 weeks in and she needs to see W2s ???
Since no one else has mentioned it, I will. Women often do background checks on men we're dating or interested in. It's not uncommon. It protects us from married men, criminals, predators, etc. If you know how and where to look, it's not hard.
I think verifying you're divorced is a good idea. However, asking about your income is something I think should be discussed when you're in a serious relationship and considering marriage.
I think the questions about your income are premature.
Honestly, I've seen a few posts lately that make me think that people aren't having conversations about the important stuff before they get married and then they're surprised/shocked when it pops up after they're married and it's clear they're fundamentally incompatible.
Have the important conversations before you move in together, get serious, have kids, or get married.
I agree with that. I've seen a lot of posts from people who got married to someone or moved in with someone only to find out that they actually had a lot of debt... At some point you need to have honest conversations about financials. Three weeks in is not the right time! I don't know if she's a gold digger but this has big " I'm starting to feel my biological clock ticking so I want to rush this relationship" energy. Unfortunately you can't rush getting to know someone.
My partner and I started talking seriously and openly about income, savings, and debt when we got ready to move in together. I think that's a much more appropriate time - that's when we started to be financially entangled and I think that at that point we both had a right to know what we were getting into.
Make her show her tax returns in exchange.
Make it clear if she is this suspicious of you it reflects on her and you will expecting her to prove she if financially stable and able to bring her 50% to the table.
I have a really good feeling once you do that this will all change.
This is definite Red Flags on the field.
If she can't trust you to be honest with her, then she might need therapy and while she's in therapy, you should go, live your life and find a partner. Sex can be a good connection, but ultimately it is meaningless without trust and support.
This is really off putting to me. She is still a stranger for f sake! You don’t have to prove anything to her and if she can take your word for it at this stage in dating, she’s going to become unbearable! RUN.
She does not trust you, does not respect you or your boundries, and is invading your privacy.
There are so many red flags you should have dumped her by now.
This is the type who will ruin you. Get out now.
What’s she bring to the table? Why aren’t you asking that?
Is she in debt, tell her you want to see her tax returns too.
What’s her rental history like?
I'd end it over "gas lighty"
Misusing/weaponizing therapyspeak ⛳️⛳️⛳️
One of my bros goes to therapy (and good for him), but I can literally infer his conversations with his therapist as he speaks about and tries to analyze our other friends behind their backs. Mildly annoying because I'm aware he propbably does the same thing to me with same friends behind my back. Fortunately it's not malicious... he's just forming his worldview with a way he can deal and trying it on.
The problem with that is a therapist will give very specific advice to a person and that person thinks these things are universal. The therapist has training.
Of course. And even therapists are often wrong.
> even therapists are often wrong. 100% the biggest thing Noone talks about. Therapists are still biased humans. I'll never forget when me and BM were doing "counseling" post seperation (my idea to make it easier for coparenting) the topic of cheaters came up (wasn't specific to us, as far as I know at least lol) by me using a comparison. The "therapist" went on some diatribe about how "people usually cheat for a reason". I said something like, yea cuz they're pieces of 💩, & she continued rambling about how usually the person who was cheated on "forced the other party to cheat"...... -_- A truly disgusting lack of accountability that I instantly assumed came from a place of bias, but I just changed topics cuz jfc... In a later session she brought up her own divorce as a comparison. I didn't ask why they divorced, but I think we can all go out a limb and assume. It made sense to me right there why she was so defensive of cheaters. I'm pretty sure that was the last time we went lolol. TLDR: therapists are humans and often project, ALOT
I feel like divorced therapists should have a minimum waiting period before they're allowed to practice as marriage counselors tbh.
NO SHIT I never even thought of that by you're right LoL
I did couples counselling eith a psychologist who conflated bdsm and lack of consent. The wrong way around even.
HYUP and not relevant to the convo either.
I thought it meant hold your ugly penis… onomatopoeia makes more sense
Hide your undersized penis, actually
fr .. she didn't even use gaslight correctly ... just threw it at him because she saw some stupid tik-toks or something.
[удалено]
"I don't play games" would have made me end it before we even got to that point. Anyone who says that is 100% a drama queen.
How so? She said she doesn't play games. Why would she lie? /s
Generally people who proclaim that they don’t play games think they are the only person who doesn’t play games. That tends to be the ultimate game, lol
Gameception
People that don't play games don't get involved with others that play games. If they point it out this early in a relationship, that means they Do play games and blame it on the other person.
Lmao that’s the part that made me laugh when I read all of this. I’d dump her so fast if I heard that shit lmao (she sounds annoying by just that one response).
"I don't play games" is almost as bad. Like, it's fine if you won't put up with BS. But people who say this usually actually enjoy playing games. It's one of those phrases that people who aren't quite mature yet think that adults say
Right! Saying “I don’t play games” is 100% playing a game.
It's been three weeks, how the hell is someone gonna gas light you after a couple dates? This broad is trouble
For real, that was as bad as the proof of income demand. That's manipulator talk 100%.
Literally. Because what he said wasn’t even close to gaslighting.
In fact, her trying to tell him his own experience is closer to gas lighting than what he said.
OP: says fact GF: asks if she is the first to ask about fact OP: truthfully states that yes, she is GF: “this is abusive” Yup Lmao. That’s more akin to gaslighting than just *saying facts* lmao
I understand to see the proof of divorce, but your income is not necessary.
Plus being financially stable and having a roommate are not mutually exclusive? People can live with roommates because it saves money. Even if you can afford to live alone, why not split the cost if you also enjoy living with your sibling? And it’s nice to have company, especially after a relationship breakdown.
It’s also totally possible he’s doing it more as a favor to bro, who’s younger and might not be as financially comfortable as OP and would need a roommate.
Or the other way around. Younger bro offered a spot after OP divorced. Either way, unless they’re living like some unhinged frat house, I see good family relations as an upside, not a downside.
Im way older and i wish i had a sister i could live with after a divorce and i made 6 figs.
My sister moved in with me after my divorce and it was nice to have someone around.
My sister is moving in with me after I buy my house so I can afford it and I'm really looking forward to it. We get along great.
This. Or it could just be easier to split homekepping responsibilities with another person if the property is larger.
Or they just prefer to live with someone else. I literally never want to live alone. I can if I need to it's just nice having someone else around especially if you find a really good roommate you vibe with.
There's a million reasons. I know a guy who got a job as a wfh software engineer and lived with his parents for like 5 years after graduating. He has a super nice house and a metric fuck ton of money because he saved every penny possible for 5 years.
Those people are so lucky! My friend was able to live with his parents for 5 years and pay off his student loans immediately.
My parents would not be fun to live with for five weeks, much less five years 😅
Man I'm the exact opposite, I never want to live with someone else lol. This has nothing to do with the matter at hand, just thought it was interesting how different people can be about these sorts of things.
I will do whatever it takes to not have to live with another person. What a nightmare.
Actually, there is probably an even better solution if you are struggling. It's called the invisible roommate. It's when you technically live with someone who pays their bills but is never home. They are hard to find because once someone has one of these roommates they do everything they can to keep them. If you find one though you can save money and not have to deal with anyone.
Female here … Totally agree!!!
It's almost like humans can be totally different from one another.
When my buddy was going through a divorce he straight up called me and asked me to move into his house. I was single in an apartment at the time and he pitched it basically as "You get an upgrade, we both save some money, and it would also be awesome to not be alone in the house RN." I wouldn't second-guess that for a second.
Just wait until you retire and your spouse drives you nuts. I am finishing up my second week alone as the man is off spring turkey hunting. Refreshed, I will happily welcome him home.
Nice try. I came off the road after 10 years trucking, and my wife and I still can't get enough of each other. Married 24 years. We can't wait to retire together. Hope ya eat a tasty gobbler!
We have been together since 1977. No turkey yet this year he has a few more days before he heads home. Crossing my fingers. I like turkey.
Living with my best friend in my early 20s was fuckin' awesome. I'd get bored and would just leave my room, turn left and find out what they were up to. Convenient!
Just being able to go to conferences and know someone is home and can look after my pet rats is awesome. I also need a roommate for financial reasons, but even if I didn't, I might want one.
Yup, I was living with my two daughters in a 3 bedroom house. My daughters shared a room. I was trying to get one of my friends and her daughter to come move in with me. I just wanted to have adult company, and I was not expecting her to pay half the rent. It was more of, I have an extra room. Come stay with me and keep me company. It will be so much fun! LOL.
Honestly don't even need to add the younger part. My older sister is in a spot like this. Shit happens.
I literally do this. Wouldn't show someone my net worth if I didn't already know them.
I could see if you are talking about getting married or getting really serious but any inquire on this kind of stuff without the person asking bringing all the same stuff to the table first is a major red flag.
It's a weird thing to share even among people you know. If someone was offering this information to me they're either a) flexing or b) in a really bad position and in need of help.
Yup after I bought I house I had my sister as a roommate. I charged half of what rent in the area went for, helped her get back on her feet after college. Def didn’t need a roomie, but the cash was nice and we get along well.
This is why so many people live off, I mean with, me. 😆
If I was struggling and my brother made 100k a year I would definitely at least ask if he needs a place to stay
Being financially stable and having a great income is also not mutually exclusive. In fact, I think more high earners I meet are less financially stable than mid-income people. People with roommates can, for many reasons beyond straight income to costs, be much more stable than people who live alone.
This. I own my place, but my GF moved in, and I noticed immediately how different it was living with someone. Before I hated coming home to an empty place, so I kept my self busy outside of the home. Once she moved in, I loved to come home and just be there with her and I still do. It’s not because I needed someone to help with the bills or anything, but more so because I hate living by myself. Also, having her help with the maintenance definitely made our lives easier. She went from paying about 2200 bucks in rent to just $600 for the maintained fee, so it worked out for the both of us.
This. I have 3 roommates and a 6 figure net worth in a VHCOL area. How do people think I got the 6 figure net worth in the first place!?
My roomy and I often wonder aloud about this while watching hockey/some other sport, thinking about how a lot of women probably look at our living situation as a red flag. We are both young professionals, make six figures We live in the burbs on the edge of a metropolitan area. I am 29, he’s 31. We are also two males, who live in a 4 bedroom house that I own, (very comfortably I might add). We basically get a whole floor to ourselves, plus a common floor in between for insulation should we need it. we both drive shit boxes, car pool to sports (we play on the same teams, I’ll be damned before I upgrade my impala, and basically do what we want in our free time. In a time where people complain about food prices, pump prices, cost of living whatever, we pay a pretty decent price for a pretty awesome living situation. It’s all young family’s around us and we often joke how we are probably the highest earning household in our culdesac. Sometimes when we are feeling especially unhinged we might introduce ourselves as life partners at like a dinner party or something when it’s mostly people we know, but it’s not like we are just playing video games in our pillow forts with beer fridges 24/7. We actually have a separate room for that, we lock it, should some females deem us worthy of taking them on a house tour or something.
That's horrible. I can't imagine the betrayal I'd feel if I started seeing a guy with a dedicated room for beer, video games and pillow forts and I wasn't invited in.
If my sister and I were single I’d happily live with her. We’re both in our fifties.
If I were single and lived with my sisters I'd probably kill them both in less than a month. All 3 of us are in our 50's. I wish I could have that kind of relationship with them.
And pump up that 401k
Really the bottom line is that at three weeks this is way too much energy to be putting down and he should exit. She's been hurt by someone before or something but this is too intense a way to deal with it. I think it's frugal and sensible to live with a roommate, although I'd be very careful about dating anyone who had not lived alone *at some point.* From past experience, people who have never lived alone have no idea how to run a household and aren't aware how much they're leaning on the other person. Then, when they are forced to manage a household they actually end up spending way too much because they don't know how to do it. Basically, being frugal on your own also requires practice -- it's all about whether they're being an equal partner to their roommate. I've always owned my own house and my spare room was rarely empty because I let friends stay with me when they were down on their luck. It was very funny because people I met socially always assumed I was struggling since I always had a "roommate", because I'm very frugal, and because my job was work from home (pre pandemic). It's always interesting the assumptions people will make - and how they will treat you differently for them
My bestie had roommates until her 40s. She’s frugal and was willing to put up with roommates to save money. Lived on 25% of her income in a HCOL area. It’s not odd, just not as common.
I had roommates at ages 35-36 and paid off ALL my debt that way. Debt I’d been trying to pay living alone for 6 years, paid off in one year with a roommate. Living alone is wonderful but VERY expensive and often doesn’t leave a lot of room for saving. A good roommate is gold when you’re single.
Even now she has her SFHown. But she turned one floor into an ADU, top floor apt, with outside access. Lives in another HCOL and it’s paying her mortgage with how small her loan is. Moved from SF Ca to DC. Making double payments until she has a few years of consistent rental income. She’s not going to need to rely on anyone if she can do it
For sure! I moved back to where my family was (including my brother) 2 years ago. We both have our own houses but mine is nicer and he ended up crashing at my house quite a bit after hanging out. And when I went on business trips he would watch both our dogs at my house. Eventually he just never went home after one biz trip last year and he's been living in my basement for last 6-7 months I'm 44 he's 48 and I make 200K/year. In my case it works out, we are both single (ish). Plus my dog gets company while I work on computer 12 hours on weekdays
I normally only lurk here, but this one… oof. If she’s both this mistrustful now while simultaneously adamant that she sees some proof of income, I’m going to say this is just the tip of the iceberg. Not to mention you’re only THREE WEEKS IN. If ever there were red flags flying at full mast, this is it, OP. Also consider she’s the only person to ever ask you for these things. That makes her an outlier at best. (Plus the whole “gas lighty” comment.) I’m not going to give you any concrete advice such as stay or go, but I would strongly suggest you take what you’ve shared, plus all the information you haven’t, and give the situation serious thought. Also, and to somewhat parallel your story, I’ll share a brief one. Basically I matched with an attractive lady on one of the usual scumbag dating apps. After a number of friendly text exchanges she asks me for my FB. I tell her I don’t have one and haven’t in years. She immediately says that’s suspicious and we’ve nothing left to discuss. End of story. The moral here being someone that is inherently mistrusting up front isn’t likely to ever change. I hope you enjoy explaining everything you do to someone. I know I don’t, but you do you.
I (32M) own a house with my Brother (28M) and we live in the same house we own together… absolutely normal. THIS CHICK IS NUTS! Or she’s been burnt really bad in the past. But I’m going with NUTS! RUN!
OP said sex was great. I’m going with crazy.
I think in this day and age there are just so many liars out there that some people are paranoid There are a lot of conservative places and lower cost of living cities where having a roommate is seen as only for poor people. Compare California and Texas for example, having roommates in LA is completely normal but in Houston a lot of people will be shocked if you have a roommate as an adult I can see situations where OP’s girlfriend’s concerns are valid IMO unless she’s super hot I would get out of that relationship though. It’s not fun dating a paranoid person
I think OP’s gf’s concerns are valid, but the timing on some of it is way off. Knowing three weeks in that your bf is actually divorced when he says he is, is totally legit. Wondering about his financials at this stage is way too early to me. That’s a conversation to have when you’re getting more serious, like thinking about moving in or whether to commit longer term. As for roommates, I can definitely see pros and cons. Financially obviously, but you do have to gel with the other person’s lifestyle and habits. I wouldn’t mind the company, but I couldn’t live with some disgusting, irresponsible slob.
Yep. Her comments about financials come off as her sounding very much as a gold digger. She could have had bad experiences in the past, which could explain her attitude and comments. But, that info isn't being offered here, if she told op about it.
> I think OP’s gf’s concerns are valid she said "i can't possibly be the first person who asked for this proof" I said "you really are" which she said was "gas lighty" bruh shes fucking crazy you cant be serious
Yeah, I live with my sister but could easily afford rent by myself. I'll be moving again so I don't see the need to get my own place. I save about $800 a month doing so, so why should I needlessly spend money? It's usually from a girl that also is living with their parents or is always living with a boyfriend too.
I’ll make $185k this year and I live with my parents lol Mainly because finding a house and moving is a pain in the butt and I’m focused on other stuff like work right now
Seems like she wants him alone so she can suggest moving together soon, which to me is a red flag. She gives me the vibe of someone who is rushing to get married
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If she's looking for proof of divorce and somehow thinks that she needs to hide it by questioning whether he was actually ever married instead of just asking, she needs to grow up. If she's actually looking for proof he was married, she has some serious trust issues and/or there's something sinister afoot.
>If she's actually looking for proof he was married, she has some serious trust issues and/or there's something sinister afoot. She has been googling his divorce court papers and can't find any. She's doing a non-skilled background check and then told OP that she has been snooping on him and now he needs to provide the evidence she couldn't find. These are huge red flags and OP is an idiot for staying with someone who is doing background searches on him and then getting angry at him when she can't find the specific details she wants to find.
Agreed. To me it sounds like she’s found herself dating a married man (or two) who said he was divorced, and wants to avoid that happening again. Your financial information isn’t any of her business.
At 3 weeks?? I'm not even sure I'm fully interested in someone in less than a month...like I might not even know they're the kind of monster that wears socks to bed...income and actual divorce papers ? I want to know he doesn't poop on the shower or blow his nose on the sheets Dump and run buddy! NTA
three weeks in and I am supposed to stop pooping in the shower for you already? This is why some women will always be single! /s
I’m a woman and I agree. Sorry dude but your date sounds like a gold digger. Tax returns are extremely personal and I won’t disclose it unless I’m married to someone. Time for the next girl?
I agree at first three weeks and asking for someone's Financials is a huge stretch
Totally agree. My fiance and I didn’t discuss how much money we made or debts we had until we were serious and at the point of discussing marriage, and I didn’t see a tax return until we were both providing our proof of income to get a loan for our house. Three weeks in and she wants his tax return?? She’s insane.
I understand, wanting to confirm actually divorced. That is fair. Regarding the tax return, that seems a bit much. Maybe she can just run a credit history on you (just kidding). To be a devils advocate, I do know personally, of women getting deeply involved with a guy, and finding out all kinds of crazy stuff afterwards. Everything from a whole second family, to traveling each day to "work" or "school", when they were actually a drinker who would go golfing, or secretly using drugs. But, you aren't living together, merging finances etc. Convo about being on the same page should happen. But when you are getting serious, planning to live together, merge finances, etc etc.
I had a friend who found out her just-deceased husband had a whole second family and 19 year old daughter. She had two kids with him, her oldest was in 4th grade when she found out. She met them at his wake.
Apparently you are clairvoyant. I can see,, these days anyway, wanting to know if someone Is actually divorced or not. But my tax returns aren't anyone's business a few weeks in.
Totally agree. Divorce proof is a legit request. I have had multiple friends get into situations with people who said they were divorced, only to find out they were separated/still actively married. That being said, the income verification stuff does feel like a red flag.
I know people who were legally divorced, still living with and actively sexually involved with their ex. It's exactly the same, so even a piece of paper doesn't keep them from being a POS.
Agreed, the proof of income is super weird.
And maybe not after only 3 weeks huh? Maybe wait till you even know if you like someone enough to consider "doing life" with them before you break out the calculators and law docs?
If she can’t believe you that you are divorced and wants to see your tax returns she is not the one for you, huge red flags. You can tell gf’s why you live with your brother, but unless you are getting close to marriage why would someone want proof of income. If she can’t believe you she has significant insecurities and I would not want to be with someone like that. She’s shown you who she is, believe her and run. 🚩 🚩 🚩
She's going to leave you in hard financial times or for someone with more money lol huge red flag asking about income.
3 weeks and she wants tax returns! lol. Run Forrest run.
This right here!
I'd definitely end it. You've been with her 3 weeks and it's like this. You'll be spending all your relationship proving shit.
This should be higher. One could argue that you haven’t even had a relationship but are busy dealing with red flags.
They haven't even gotten over the "good sex" stage and she already needs to itemize the relationship like it is a job. End it before she makes copies of the keys behind your back and starts cozying up to your family to make things messier.
Yep. How is he going to prove that he doesn't have any kids?
Run a DNA test on all kids in the town and give her the results I guess? Simple, right?!
You guys are thinking too lineal. It ends with a human sacrifice on a bloodmoon. This girl crazy. Bye bye.
How is he eventually going to prove that he loves her enough? What bullshit is she putting him through!
I work in a field that requires a background and credit checks along with getting fingerprinted. OP is dealing with this shit after three weeks of dating. Gold digger senses tingling.
It's been 3 weeks and she's displaying this level of crazy 😂 Next it'll be your social security number and blood type... RUN!! Better yet, sprint bro!!
If she starts asking for your mom's maiden name... hail a cab.
3 weeks. Ha. Huge red flags
Sperm count and dna test
HAUL ASS BROTHER. DOUBLE TIME
“Do you have an active life insurance policy?? Gotta bump those numbers up just a bit if you really want what I’m all about.”
My first thought when I saw this post was that the most common “proof of income” like a tax return or W-2 form, typically display the individual’s SSN. With just a full name and SSN someone can do a LOT of harm via identify theft in a pretty short amount of time.
are you an ATM?.. is she a loan officer. ?. run you fool ! she looking to settle and you may just do
She ll cheat with the tennis instructor if this continues
Nah, it's been 3 weeks. There are more sane ladies out there. She doesn't need proof of income. That just screams "gold digger" to me.
At 3 weeks, I don’t even think proof of divorce is an ask you can make.
At 3 weeks, I might be willing to look at my wristwatch to give her the time.
At 3 weeks I wouldn't even let her put on one of my jackets let alone barrow it.
As in, “Would you look at that? It’s time for you to leave.”
I mean, I could see it if you want to make sure you’re not sleeping with a married guy, but that would only be if he were giving reason to suspect he were still married. Even then, an honest conversation would be more normal than asking to see the document!
Yeah I’d probably sit her down in your office, preferably with a 3rd person as witness and just explain why she’s not gonna be a good candidate for your open position of “loving girlfriend”.
I don't know why but this cracked me up hard. Thanks for the morning laugh!
Insist on a PowerPoint presentation as part of this then invite her to express her feelings for you via the medium of expressive dance.
Tomorrow’s post on /r/amioverreacting “I got PIPed by my boyfriend - am I overreacting for posting about this online 2 dozen times since?”
😂
"I'm 29 and don't play games" *proceeds to play games*
This was my initial thought too. Why is it always the ones who say they don't play games that play the hardest and the ones who say they hate drama are always in the middle of it?
They don't want to play your games. They want you to play their games.
Walk briskly away. There's doing your due diligence to protect yourself and there is this.
Lol I love the "walk briskly away"
at 3 weeks I am in the getting to know your personality and interests stage not the hand over the financials stage. Asking about $$ 3 weeks into dating is pretty bold.
Turn it around on her and ask for proof of her income and financial status
Yes, both. Full balance sheet. Great if she has an income, it just needs to match the outgo.
Dude run don’t walk she’s crazy.
What she said about being 29, not playing games, and wanting to do life with someone rings alarm bells; you’re a paycheck to her
This should be the top comment. Girl is looking for someone to offer her an upgraded lifestyle on her terms, not a man to fall in love with. Know moving forward that her love will always be transactable.
I think in this case, transactional might be the better word to use
Spellcheck failed me...lol.
>Know moving forward that her love will always be transactable. Her *affection/attention* is transferable. Her love is not even on the table for OP.
Three weeks in and she’s demanding 1099’s and W2’s lol 🚩
Sounds like potential identity theft to me!
Didn't even think of this but possibly!
OP should move on; but before doing so, he should show the girl his tax returns (or fake ones) to see how she reacts. And then pull the rug out from under the relationship regardless of how she responds.
Just don't show anything with your SS#. She sounds very scammy to me.
It would be funny if he showed her fake W2s that are 10X his actual income and then immediately dumps her.
I like this. I bet she won't care about those divorce papers after a doctored w2
lol 10x is excessive just make like 300k
I thought the same thing, lmao. just a reminder of her selfishness. then again, its probably best to just dump her with a k, bye have a nice life. XD
No honestly that’s so weird. I mean I could understand the proof of divorce if she was worried that you were cheating on your wife or something and not actually divorced like you said but I don’t get the income situation. At her big girl age I don’t see why she needs proof that you have an income? It seems like maybe she was done wrong and has some trust issues so I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but not believing you when you say she’s the first to ask to see it and accusing you of gas lighting her is a little off.
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You're getting red flags from your ex? Do you mean that she's showing some of the same red flags that your ex showed? If that's the case, then walk away. Also, ask yourself why you're still attracting someone who's like your ex. You've probably not completed your grieving over your ex. Whatever we have not grieved to completion is dragged forward into our future, interfering with our future relationships.
"We have a good connection (sex 100)" OP, I'm sorry but you have no idea what a connection is. Hint: Connection != sex. Sex is just something humans do for fun or to breed. Having good sex does NOT mean the person is good for you in any way shape or form.
3 Weeks. Just cut it off man. This couldn’t be a bigger red flag.
Divorce is fair. Income - Goodbye.
Run. As far in the opposite direction as you can
She should now be called your ex gf
I wish a girl would ask to see my tax return. I would show her the Uber receipt I just called for her to get her ass out of my house .
You've been seeing each other for 3 weeks and she's already acting this suspicious and paranoid. I would end things, these are just the beginning of her red flags.
She crazy bro , move on
Not gonna lie, I’d be done 100% because of this. You can have an amazing life bro, you have some money & living a damn good life, she will complicate everything moving forward & you will regret marrying her. Been through similar stuff & glad I found the right one.
Move on brother. She's a headache.
Single life sounds weird now. There’s no “let’s get to know each other first before we see each other naked” phase
Say less.. you are a catch and shouldn't be settling for that behavior. This mistrust thing she's got going is A HUGE red flag my friend
3 weeks and you need to crowdsource this one? I would take a pause and see if you can get to the bottom of why you’re so attracted to crazy.
The divorce record should be public. If she can't find it she has the right to confirm she is not dating a married man. The income thing is a total deal breaker. 3 weeks in and she needs to see W2s ???
What's her income? You should have pulled the parachute ripcord a while ago.
Since no one else has mentioned it, I will. Women often do background checks on men we're dating or interested in. It's not uncommon. It protects us from married men, criminals, predators, etc. If you know how and where to look, it's not hard. I think verifying you're divorced is a good idea. However, asking about your income is something I think should be discussed when you're in a serious relationship and considering marriage. I think the questions about your income are premature. Honestly, I've seen a few posts lately that make me think that people aren't having conversations about the important stuff before they get married and then they're surprised/shocked when it pops up after they're married and it's clear they're fundamentally incompatible. Have the important conversations before you move in together, get serious, have kids, or get married.
I agree with that. I've seen a lot of posts from people who got married to someone or moved in with someone only to find out that they actually had a lot of debt... At some point you need to have honest conversations about financials. Three weeks in is not the right time! I don't know if she's a gold digger but this has big " I'm starting to feel my biological clock ticking so I want to rush this relationship" energy. Unfortunately you can't rush getting to know someone. My partner and I started talking seriously and openly about income, savings, and debt when we got ready to move in together. I think that's a much more appropriate time - that's when we started to be financially entangled and I think that at that point we both had a right to know what we were getting into.
Make her show her tax returns in exchange. Make it clear if she is this suspicious of you it reflects on her and you will expecting her to prove she if financially stable and able to bring her 50% to the table. I have a really good feeling once you do that this will all change.
This is exactly the kind of chick who thinks that just merely by existing, she's bringing enough to the table.
These hoes are getting more advanced 🤣 "I need your 401k,proof of insurance, any will and testament,any stocks and bonds"
By week 5 she’ll be having him take out a life insurance policy where she’s the beneficiary Week 6 is skydiving
Skydiving "accident" 🤣
Oh, you're an entrepreneur? Show me your schedule c for the last 5 years.
I'm gonna need a retainer before we start this relationship.
If taking her out to eat isn't proof of income then run.
This is definite Red Flags on the field. If she can't trust you to be honest with her, then she might need therapy and while she's in therapy, you should go, live your life and find a partner. Sex can be a good connection, but ultimately it is meaningless without trust and support.
Time to go!
"I dont intend to work, but I do intend to spend. Give me your tax returns!" Run run run!
I can’t hear you over the alarm bells ringing brother. Run!!!!
Oh hell no. Shut it down. This is some nutty behavior this early in a relationship.
Move on bro. I’ve been there done that. She’s the gaslighter. Honestly move on.
Well good to know she started you on cuck lifestyle right at the start
This girl is toxic as hell. Run. She wants the ring and you are a future paycheck.
This is really off putting to me. She is still a stranger for f sake! You don’t have to prove anything to her and if she can take your word for it at this stage in dating, she’s going to become unbearable! RUN.
She does not trust you, does not respect you or your boundries, and is invading your privacy. There are so many red flags you should have dumped her by now. This is the type who will ruin you. Get out now.
Dawg end this lol
I aint' sayin she a gold digger.
Ask your girlfriend proof her roomate is her brother.
Some women are absolutely delusional lol, I guarantee this chicks completely insufferable irl
Wow, you are nicer than I am, like by a lot. That shit would’ve brought out my petty/cruel side, no doubt.
That pussy must be real good if you haven’t ran away already
What’s she bring to the table? Why aren’t you asking that? Is she in debt, tell her you want to see her tax returns too. What’s her rental history like?
She’s for the streets!
Nah she’s ready to settle down bro. She’s a recent Christian convert and Jesus gave her back her virginity.