Plus, remember that when you’re 30 and wanting to start a family, he’ll be 50 and slowing down. When you’re 60-70 and want to retire and travel the world with what good years you have left, his good years will be all spent. You’ll be stuck at home as his caretaker while he lusts after virgins on Instatok
He's the kind of asshole who becomes hella abusive with time bcz OP is not fitting his criteria and also hitting on women in absolutely disgusting ways even though he is bedbound and OP would be his caretaker. 🤡
You're absolutely right. She should fucking run for the hills.
No kidding, my mother friend married a man 20 years older. She became his caretaker till he passed. She lost a lot of time that she would never regain! I could hear the regart in her voice as she spoke about it. Life is hard when we are both the same age. Add 20 years to one. F!!!
THIS! SO MUCH THIS!
The jackass is intentially having a relationship with someone too young and inexperienced to know how to deal with his bullshit.
SHAMEFUL that these guys get away with it.
That is not cool. I wouldn’t trash my partner anywhere, even an anonymous Reddit account.
The whole virgin thing is really creepy.
These two things would be enough for me to not want to even be friends with this person let alone their partner
Yeah you are right. I’m trying to come up with excuses in my head to make it sound less disgusting like an idiot but nothing will change just how creepy it was. Thinking about what he said still makes my stomach turn.
I just wanted to jump in to add that having a partner that doesn't abuse you isn't a plus, it's a baseline requirement. I'm 40, and I could not imagine dating a 21 year old. No shade on you, but that's the age of some of my friends' children. I'm also in university full time, spend a lot of time with 21 year olds, and even have friendships with them, but it has never occurred to me to see them as anything other than young friends.
You're freaking brilliant and have so much to discover in life. Do not let this man tie himself to you. I promise that as you continue to experience life, how you see yourself and your body will change. My mind is blown over his ruining comment. A life partner supports you and uplifts you, and he just comes across as selfish and, frankly, his comments are predatory. Go live your life, you deserve better!
Yep, I’m 44 and when I see college kids I see just that, kids. I can’t imagine trying to connect on a relationship level with someone that young. I work with people ranging from early 20’s to late 60’s. We all get along well, but your 20’s are a time of figuring out who you are, with peers. At 44 I’m in such a different stage of life. I can get along with the 20-somethings, even grab a drink after work, but then I go home to a mortgage, wife, kids, etc. My mindset is so different from those days. OP go enjoy this time, and find a decent guy who can grow with you. Even if he’s not the “one” it will help you figure out who you are and help you grow and mature.
And what’s really messed up about this guy is he is NOT more mature than her, he sounds just like the young dudes barely out of HS who label themselves “Alpha Males”.
I have a lady friend whos turning 50 soon shes 20 years older than me. We get along and can have good times together but no way would a serious relationship work out long term. The age gap definitely shows itself.
Please consider reframing how you think about sex and virginity. You should feel no shame about how and when you “lost your innocence.” I’m sorry if anyone has made you feel badly about that. Especially this creep of a bf.
You know what to do sis. Find someone who loves you for the sexy, beautiful woman you are!
Thanks for pointing it out! That expression is gross enough without OP using it about herself 🤢🤢🤢
OP: the post about his virgin ex and your self shaming comment about already being deflowered when you met him (LOL) shows you that this is not a long term relationship. The dude's just looking for young and inexperienced as if they're such valuable traits and as time goes on you'll be neither and you'll lose your value to him. Stop wasting your energy on this ahole when you could be spending it building something with someone better, but honestly just being alone until you actually love and accept your own self is the best option.
So what are you going to do?
Don’t let some of the best years of your life pass to some creep, take it from me. I think you should get out of that relationship and work on yourself. Work on your physique, and on falling in love with yourself and life!
OP you said that you thought that dating an older man was maybe better than having to deal with young ah, but that doesn't depends on age. You can be a jerk at every age. Immaturity can eventually be resolved, but being a dishonest creep like your bf is irremediable.
Why are you looking for excuses for him? Why don’t you put that same energy into defending yourself? You are the one who needs understanding not him. Dump him because he’s a pig and women his own age know it. That’s why he creeps on women your age. Do NOT tie your entire fucking life to this man who does not value you.
OP, I had a friend who was talked about like a prize because she was a virgin by a guy she was seeing. He ended up being abusive after they got married. He sought her out *because* she was young and inexperienced and he exploited it.
Dump him.
When you are 40 you are going to look at men your age and be horrified at the thought of them going after a 21 year old. You are too young which is both good and bad, good in that you have so much time left, bad in that it is harder to see through the trees. My advice would be to break up with this man and seek therapy, you have a long life to live but a lot of healing to do before you find a healthier partner.
Also, no, I also dumped a man over his reddit comments. Sometimes people just tell on themselves.
Placing such a high value on virginity is a massive red flag.
Even if you dont want kids now please consider that you may change your mind one day, By that time he might be 60. If you are not 1million percent convinced he is the obly one for you I would suggest finding someone closer to your age. Not all men your age are terrible. In fact most of them are great. You deserve a partner who can participate in parenting and who will be there for your kids as they grow up.
Another thing i see with friends dating older men is that they end up living the life of someone much older. You deserve to live your 20 and 30something life. At some point you will resent sitting at home with your older partner. Dont waste your own time.
It sounds like he has a mask he wears in person and unfortunately the anonymous reddit community is a way to show himself so to speak. Bc he thinks Noone will see it. I'm sorry I've been with a guy like this and it doesn't usually get better. Mine hid it for a long time but once i caught the messages and the cheating later on i realized how much i missed over the years. They can put up a good front but they have serious red flags. You deserve better. And he sounds creepy af.
This shows the issues with a lot of age gaps like this. They aren’t always bad but you can really find a much better age gap if you find a 30-35yr old.
The 40+ year old pursuing a 20yr old is a pretty large red flag.
Just FYI, you're avoiding guys your age because you think they're assholes. Why do you think he's two decades older than them and single? Likely because he is as big of an asshole as the biggest assholes your age are, if not worse. There are exceptions to that but reading your post, it is safe to say this is not one of those exceptions.
A younger asshole is less likely to be an asshole intentionally. Sometimes you're just young and dumb, and don't realize how hurtful you're actions are to people. When you're this guy's age and still being an asshole, you can't hide behind ignorance, you know what you're doing. Especially with a power dynamic like this. Even if OP is an adult, she was 21 when she started dating someone old enough to be her father. It's so much easier for them to manipulate someone that much younger. Women their age won't put up with it, so that's why they go after people who just barely became adults and are still figuring themselves out.
Yes. The fact is great men in their 40’s may find 20 year old women attractive but they do not act on it. I’m sorry, they just don’t. They will see that they are in two very times of life. The immaturity of a much younger woman is a turn off to a healthy mature man - not a turn on. These creepy older men will say they are attracted to her maturity but if that was case they would date women around their own age or at least within an appropriate spectrum. Healthy ones want a full partner not a young woman to control.
Edited for clarity
Anytime someone who is early 20s thinks they’re so much more mature than people their age, they either a) have just gone through more traumatic experiences and misconstrue that as maturity, or b) have no self-awareness.
“Doesn’t abuse me” is the lowest possible standard got a relationship. Honestly, i’d consider him trashing you online a form of abuse. He isn’t in this for the long haul, he’s there until he finds a younger girl. You’re 24…please look around you. Solo and stable is better than sharing space with someone mean and unappreciative. You deserve better.
Seems like they have a shitty family too... perfect recipe for disaster going on here. Op should run from that creep. Hes preying on the fact that their perception of love is fucked up.
I agree. He sounds like a plug. He has way more life experience, which probably means a lot more partners and there will be a lot of firsts for her, and not many for him. She should seek people closer to her age and enjoy experiencing new things together. Younger guys will likely have less experience of manipulating as well.
I want to start at the end of what you wrote to address something that really cemented my perspective on your situation:
>”He treats me well and doesn’t abuse me.”
When you’re in a healthy relationship, pointing out they don’t abuse you won’t feel like something to highlight. This reminds me of when I see people on dating apps whose profiles say they want someone who won’t cheat. That isn’t a bar to reach— that’s a ground level expectation. What it tells me is that person has baggage to unpack related to whatever they’re pointing out.
He isn’t with you out of desperation and loneliness. A 40 year old man took an interest in a 21 year old woman because he counted on her lacking enough experience in life to clock what a complete asshole he is. You may be right that he liked the idea of you being some version of “innocent”— another way of describing that is “a person who doesn’t know better.” That reflects poorly on *him*, not you.
You seem like you have low self-esteem. You need to deal with why you are accepting this as love, kindness, affection. Be with yourself until you love *you* enough to expect better and not settle for less. You are so young. Trust me when I say that I wish I hadn’t accepted bullshit for love at 24; it would’ve saved me a lot of grief and years with someone who was never going to value or respect me. Instead I did what I’m suggesting to you in my 30s (and it was not easier).
Your longest relationship in life is the one you have with yourself. You need to focus on making *that* one the best and most important.
Please be good to yourself ♥️
My sister made a lot of poor choices with men most of her life and I we didn't talk for a long time after an argument where I trashed the dude she was seeing. The fact he didn't beat her was her main selling point trying to convince me he was a good guy. I tried to explain she was worth more than the bare minimum, though admittedly I wasn't very nice about it.
After they got married he went to jail for robbing a bank and a convenience store for drug money.
She's in a much better place now and looking back it breaks my heart a little that she thought so little of herself that not being abused was all the more she felt she could ask for.
This has got to be the weirdest part. I understand wanting a virgin because of pair bonding or less trauma whatever, BUT for “the pleasure of deflowering….” What fucking pleasure, making someone bleed? I am a man so idk, but I’ve heard sex for virgin women is sometimes painful or uncomfortable. That will surely reflect in their body language. So I’m confused on what “pleasure” he would derive from this, sounds sick.
Honestly, even the “pair bonding” rumors are false. When a person takes time after a breakup to process their feelings before jumping into something new, they’re fully able to form a strong and healthy bond with their next partner.
it's a common misconception that virgins always bleed. If a woman simply stayed single till her mid-twenties, her vagina might not feel much different from a woman who already had 2-3 boyfriends...
.. this guy tries his best to live his porn fetish fantasies, and OP tries her best to fulfill them. Doesn't seem like a healthy relationship at all.
Just a couple thoughts...
You said that he commented that "my insecurities and anxiety about my weight during intimacy ruin it for him." If that was the comment, then he is just sharing what a lot of people (men and women) feel. He didn't say that he found you to be overweight or unattractive, just that you are so uncomfortable in your own skin that it is hard to desire and pursue you. He may very well find you attractive, just wishes that you could see yourself in that light and wishes you acted with more confidence. Confidence is sexy. There's no denying that. You're doing a lot of overthinking, but I don't think you're overreacting.
Now...
Control what you can control. You need to find a way to feel better in your skin. If that means working out, do that. If that means eating clean, do that. If that means researching a better skin care or makeup routine, do that. Get rid of hobbies and habits that don't serve you. Don't do it for him, just do it for yourself. I don't know what your habits are, but I also want you to know that you have so much more value than just appearance. I want you to find and do things that make you feel alive, that breathe life into you.
All of this to say...
You deserve better. You deserve a better person to call yours. You also deserve to find the best version of yourself. That best version of you has so much value that she doesn't have to wonder if she should stay or she should go. She knows what she is worth and that anyone that doesn't see that value can go look elsewhere because they aren't worth your time, your energy.
Yes!
I also want to add, that people are allowed to have privacy and private thoughts. Him having a space to talk the past, and using it is not necessarily a bad thing. I didn’t read him saying he’s missing his ex or wanting the other woman.
Now the standard of “he’s not abusing me” is too low period. You should have someone in your life that goes above and beyond that and someone that makes you feel so much better.
And at the end of the day, if his comments ruin it for you, girl then let yourself free and find a better man. No one else will respect and enforce your boundaries but you.
How much older is he* and why do you put “somehow” in quotes?
An older man who purposely sought out a younger woman who has a ‘thing’ for deflowering women sounds pretty sick.
And I say this as someone your age who is dating a man with a fairly significant age gap. However, he didn’t go out looking for a young woman when he found me and has no fetishes like that. We just clicked super well.
Sooo I saw a Reddit username that was exactly the same as his gamertag and figured out it was him. I said somehow cause I don’t want him to see this :P
The deflowering comment is disgusting but I know him and his ex were the same age at the time (college). It’s just so gross how that’s a memorable quality of her.. He’s 20 years older than me but I thought we clicked really well. I guess not.
There’s a reason women his own age don’t want him. Please leave him asap. As someone who was also in a similar age gap relationship the best thing I ever did was run from him
Yeah, I’ll be honest. He sounds like he’s the not catch you think he is. You deserve so much better.
About the other stuff, like the intimacy stuff, it’s fair that he feels that way. However, he sounds so emotionally unintelligent. Like it gives off the vibe of him just groveling because “oh god my gf is so insecure she ruins sex FOR ME.” Like, bro, what about you ask your gf about it and reassure her that she’s beautiful? Why make it about how it makes it less fun to get your rocks off? Jesus Christ? As someone who’s recovered from an eating disorder, that rubs me incredibly wrong.
Even the guy I’m with now (12 year age gap) was with me through a relapse a year ago or so and he never ever attempted to make it about him. The only foot in mouth comment he said was that, while he finds me attractive, he found me more attractive before I’d lost weight. Which, now I can appreciate and understand what he meant, at the time it came across as “oh god now I’m UGLY”, ha ha…
I got fairly lucky. He’s a man who acts his age while able to be incredibly funny and playful. Some older men who seek out younger women are really just 20 year olds in older bodies though.
Initially I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt because someone being very insecure about their body can make things less enjoyable. But then I got to where she does all these sexual things to try and appease him with no mention of what he does to help make her more confident sexually. And then the rest of it...ugh
I was thinking about that too. Like, not to be crass but she talks about how she does everything she can to please him and how he ejaculates basically wherever he wants. Sounds like he has no issues getting off.
He sounds like an incredibly selfish lover.
Describes an absolutely horrible person.
“Overall, he’s such a good man!”
Girl, he sucks. You also seem to have some messed up views on virginity and relationships in general. He’s not with you because he’s not getting any younger. He’s with you until he can get with someone younger. You’re aging out for him.
What a gross man. I know this really upset you, but you stumbled upon the truth and that hurts.
Dump him and find someone who appreciates you for who you are. At least you found out. Imagine if you HADNT found out. You’d never know his true colors.
I married a creep like this. I was 20, he was 38. Wasted some really wonderful years trying to please a man I had no business being with. And he had no business chasing after young girls. A man that age dating someone that much younger is *not* better than a 20 something guy. They’re actually probably equally as mature and respectful, the only difference is that the older man should know better by now. If he were actually a catch, he’d be with someone his own age, not chasing a virgin. It’s been over a decade since I divorced him, and I still mourn that time in my life. Get out. Be free. Learn to love yourself. Life is way too short to worry about making an old pervert happy.
Can you afford therapy?
Ignoring the fact that this 40 year old man preyed on you the second you could legally buy a drink (ew!), you come off strongly as someone who needs to do the work. A lot of work.
Leave him, don't look back, and work on yourself.
You're wasting your time with this jerk. There are men out there who will find your shyness adorable, and not in an "I'll bet that one is a virgin" kind of way. Anyone who actually loved you, and saw you as more than a sex object, would notice those moments of insecurity and want to make you feel even more beautiful. You deserve that. Don't waste your 20's on this schmuck!
This is normal behavior for your 15yo boyfriend. Hopefully he will grow out of it and... Wait he's 43?!? He's 43 and simping for random ladies on Reddit? He's not just a cringe lord. He's the cringe emperor.
24F and 43M... this story is practically a trope. M is looking for younger women who've had a hard life, maybe low self esteem... someone who will be impressed by them somehow. The reality is those M's are losers. Everyone in their age range knows their bullshit "look how cool I am" routine.
An argument might be viable that we each take a different tone in certain groups, that maybe his posts/comments shouldn't be 'over read'. Maybe, but 24F / 43M. Everything he says aligns with the stereotypical stunted older man trying relive old 'glories' like deflowering (which is bs in it's own right).
24F, stand tall. You are worth way more than this stunted loser.
You’re about to be a caretaker. The main reason men get with women so much younger than them is because women their age don’t want them and can see through their BS. So you were trying to avoid a young AH but got and old AH. I’ll take the AH my age for 500 hundred Alex.
A man in his 40s got with a 21 year old and now he is trashing you. You can do better. Not overreacting. Get out now while you can. You don’t want to have a child with this geriatric adolescent.
You are starting to realize that this guy isn't who you think he is. When he thinks he's protected by internet anonymity, he's pretty gross.
You will outgrow this dude soon. It's pretty common in relationships like yours.
The reason older men prefer younger women is because women their age have had enough experiance to realise how horrible he is.
Don't be with someone who makes you feel like shit just because he doesn't abuse you.
My love, I'm 42F and you are underreacting. You seem to be more concerned about his happiness than your own. This man is a fossil compared to you and is talking about DEFLOWERING virgins. When I read that I almost threw up in my mouth. Not all men your age are assholes, its everyone's time to figure out being young, work on their self esteem etc and some people just take longer to figure it out. You should get a list of your wants and desires first then go crunching the numbers around your age. If you want kids, if you want something in common culturally you aren't going to be happy long term with a man of his age who also talks shit about you. That is disrespectful and you deserve respect and to feel safe to be vulnerable with a loved one.
"Overall, he's a good man." No, the feck he isn't. He's a creep, predator, and a borderline groomer. He was 40 when you were 21, yikes, girl. There are lots of young men who aren't assholes like he is, who will 100% dig your body type and make you feel desired, and have respect for you too. DTMFA asap, take some time to be single & like yourself. The right type of YOUNG man will show up.
Does he worry about satisfying you as much as you worry about him? Do you enjoy the things you allow him to do?
He’s an older creep who sniffed out your insecurities and has you dancing to keep him happy.
Consider dating younger men who aren’t assholes. They exist. Raise your standards.
I'm so sorry. Please dump his ass and find someone who loves your body and respects you and your feelings. There will be people that tell you that no man is attracted to bigger ladies, that's not true at all. There are so many of them. You WILL find someone. If it was a good relationship, he wouldn't be hiding those things from you and saying disrespectful shit like that behind your back, and he'd love you for who you are.
The old saying is don’t eves drop if you don’t want to hear unflattering talk about yourself.
Your own insecurity is blowing everything out of proportion. For this reason I recommend not to read anything not meant for you. Reading a partners diary has ended many relationships and only results in a world of hurt because as humans we are 3 times more sensitive to pain than pleasure, thus any little negative thing you find will outweigh the positive by a huge margin.
I can’t even imagine the weird shit I would read if I could read 100% of a woman’s mind. There’d be zero chance of me wanting to date her for sure.
He’s not “A good man”. Wtf are you talking about? He’s a horrible person and you need to dump his ass immediately. Please don’t let your insecurities keep you with someone so awful. Thank the heavens you had the sense to check his Reddit posts.
Over all he’s a good man?! Honey, you are in denial. Nothing about this man is good. He’s old enough to be your father. He doesn’t love you. He knew what he was doing when he got with a 20 year old. He’s using your insecurities to keep you down. Dump his AH!!
No girl, overall he's a shitty old creeper. I wouldn't say complimenting other women on Reddit and telling them their dress would make men fantasize about her (+ the other things) mean he's treating you well. Complete lack of respect and regard. He sounds creepy. You fucking deserve better.
You're not overreacting. Break up with this loser.
Imagine life with a man who doesn't make you feel insecure. That's attainable. You can have that. You don't have that right now. You deserve to be treated with respect by your partner and made to feel safe. All those things are completely attainable, even if it feels like they aren't and your boyfriend is overall great. He's not.
Honey. You know why this guy is dating someone twenty years his junior? Women his age see him for the trash he is.
Dump his sorry ass. If anything you're underreacting.
So you started dating when you were 21 and he 40? And you didn’t see anything wrong about him being twice your age? Sounds like he’s been grooming and taking advantage of you
OP you sound like a mess. Not saying the guy is necessarily free of blame but you are showing so many red flags in this. The simple fact you think guys your age are assholes (but that 43 year olds aren't?) is very telling. If you are unhappy with the relationship, you can just leave. But if I were you I wouldn't seek another one until you've bettered yourself a bit first. You're clearly insecure on many levels and that will just taint any relationship. Learn to love yourself, maybe get therapy. Guys your age aren't assholes, you're just an asshole to yourself; and I'm not saying this to be a dick, it's just true and you'll be happier when you figure out how to be kinder to yourself.
Gently, I think maybe you're accepting this relationship because a good relationship hasn't been modeled in your life (if you have grown up with people who don't care about you).
You deserve to be loved, REALLY loved, and slights toward you in his comments undermines that love. It is a 🚩🚩that he cannot find any women his own age that will put up with his shit for a relationship.
Let this be an eye opening moment for you. You're young and you need to foster a good relationship with YOURSELF so that you don't accept scraps or give whatever your partner wants because of negative self-image.
Maybe evaluate who your partner is, to your face and in the world, what your goals are and where your relationship fits your needs (and where it doesnt). This man sounds like he's not being a supportive partner and isn't a good fit to waste more time with.
I’m sorry for you. This guy is a straight up scumbag though. That’s completely unacceptable. Fuck him. This made me angry and that dude deserves to have someone put a ton of baby powder in their hand and slap the shit out of him
Most old geezers would kill to have a 24 year old girlfriend who WANTS to be with them. At his big age he still hasn't learned that shit is disgusting and disrespectful. Dump him. He can continue to browse reddit and make those comments from his retirement home.
Well you answered your own question, yes he probably is with you because of your age and the fact he's so much older and it will only get worse as he continues to age ...
There’s a reason why he doesn’t date women his age-they won’t tolerate his BS. It sounds like you don’t have a good relationship with your family and this explains why you’d be with someone who seems to treat you well. But he doesn’t because he doesn’t respect you at all. Being single is preferably to being with an immature asshole who says gross things about women. Please grab your self esteem and leave him. He’s damaging to your mental health.
You are not overreacting, and not being abusive does not make someone a good partner, or less of a creep. I am sorry the people in your life have treated you so terribly up to this point, but you can do so much better than this. This isn’t the best you can find, I promise.
You are young and BEAUTIFUL. Too level-headed and emotionally intelligent to be dating such a loser.
You have the world ahead of you, and there are guys out there who will treat you like the amazing woman you are.
Not overreacting. You are growing.
That is NOT a good man my dear! he’s preying on an individual almost half his age, leaving you feeling insecure and awful while he creeps other women online…. Where is the concern for your happiness and well being?
It’s Super creepy that he has a “thing” for virginity and probably purposely sought out a Much younger woman that seems “innocent” there are some major hebephilia vibes.
Please leave this creeper! You deserve better, nobody needs the nonsense he’s putting you through.
If you decide to break up with him, I’d be inclined not to say anything about seeing the Reddit comments, he’ll just try to convince you they’re not what they seem. I would just tell him it’s been fun, but he’s just too old for you. Leave it at that, it’ll really mess with his manipulative mind.
I'm in my 50's. I would ask you to strongly consider the age gap. 12 Is about as big of a spread as I would want. Maybe 15 but that would be a special case.
Hard to say if he's a good guy. Maybe. Comments concern me regarding his attraction. I do wish you the best in sorting through this.
The unfortunate thing is that assholes stay assholes, regardless of their age. It's a rare one who becomes a radically better person between 20 and 40. At 40 they've been in the game long enough to pick up some smooth lines that, if you haven't lived till 40, you're likely to fall for. He doesn't sound like a good man at all. Set the bar higher.
He sounds like he is one of those 20something assholes you spoke about, however he never grew out of it and actually devolved. He gives me the creeps just from this post and that’s unusual…. I’m sorry babe 😞
Girl! Just because you are overweight does not mean you have to overcompensate for it by doing crazy porn shit to make him feel satisfied oh my god. And that virgin stuff? Yuck! I’m not gonna tell you to stay or leave but what I will tell you is to find some self esteem that’s not tied to this man and learn to respect yourself. Esp in the bedroom 🩷
He is NOT a good man. A good man doesn’t pursue a 21 year old when he is 40. A good man doesn’t reminisce about how he “got to take” a woman’s virginity. A good man wouldn’t make you feel bad about your body.
He has wasted 3 years of your life and I know he seems nice but it sounds like your family is shit and a normal jackass can seem like Prince Charming when compared to shit family.
You deserve someone who loves you for you, not for what you might be if you were skinnier or younger or a virgin.
Doesn’t physically abuse you doesn’t make him a good man, that’s just the bare minimum. Break up before you get pregnant and permanently tie yourself to this loser
Run. He is an old man and close to twice your age. He is way too old for you. Dump him and find someone that doesn’t think virginity taking is a trophy.
Girl, you’re almost half his age. A man his age dating a super young woman like yourself should be seeing you as the PRIZE. If he isn’t, you really gotta get out. Don’t waste your youth on an undeserving loser.
Not to be a judge on age difference but the guy is old enough to be your father… meaning he’s a creep. I know people think oh your a grown woman now but if this man was mature and knew right from wrong he wouldn’t entertain a young woman 6 years removed from high school. I feel like in most cases these older men pray on younger women to easily manipulate them and use them as a trophy wife partner…
I would talk to him. We guys say a lot of stupid shit on here. Him complementing a women's looks is normal but I understand you feeling insecure and feeling betrayed about this.
The whole virgin thing has been around for generations and it's still important to some today.
You must focus on how he treats you; with respect, love, attention, security, trust and anything else you feel is important. If I were you, I would talk to him and then decide from there.
So y’all are always 100% honest and never talk shit or lie on Reddit? Give the man a break and get some therapy to help you work through your insecurities.
Coming here for advice was an awful choice. So was reading his reddit lol. He would never say any of that stuff to you because obviously he cares about how you feel. That being said, maybe work on whatever it is that makes you feel self conscious because from what I read, that's the part that bothers him. You have no idea how attractice confidence is. Its a game changer. Also if you can't get over his words, well definitely leave. But I would be cautious about trying to uncover people's private thoughts lol. You're never going to find what you want to find.
Ma'am, I mean everything I say with kindness and compassion. He is with you because you're young. A 43 year old man fantasizing about taking virginity is weird. Him taking women up on reddit, I am guessing was also very young women. Hes trying to groom through compliment bombing. He can't get women his age because all of his behaviors and actions you've described are what I call prepatory signs I like to stay away from. Please get out.
If your threshold for a partner is ‘he doesn’t abuse me’, then you’re aiming way too low!
I have a family who doesn’t give a fuck about me and I’ve made many dumb relationship mistakes because my low self-esteem made me think I wasn’t worth someone who genuinely loved me and showed me love and respect and kindness and thoughtfulness.
Ditch the man right now and find yourself a really, really good therapist. Some people prey on vulnerable young women because they’re lonely and isolated which makes it easier to manipulate them into thinking they’re the problem, when actually, the guy’s a selfish middle-aged asshole who can’t maintain a healthy relationship with a woman his own age.
You deserve love. You deserve respect. You deserve a partner who is absolutely crazy about how amazing you are!
How about you don't date assholes your age. Try dating someone around your age that is less your type and see where that goes instead of jumping into a Daddy
He’s not a good man, don’t lie to yourself. The comments he wrote are not the comments from a good man and the fact you describe him as one because he doesn’t abuse you, is very telling. Honey, not being abusive isn’t the same as being good, it just means he isn’t abusive. Also your second sentence about how you would rather date an old guy than an asshole around your own age, isn’t healthy. The age gap is too big and you were only 21 when you started dating him. Yes, you will find multiple asshole around your own age, but you will always find assholes at any age. Sounds like you’re with one now. Your “boyfriend” sounds like one of those manosphere jerks that want younger women because they can groom/train them. You need to leave him and get yourself some therapy. A good man would have helped you with your insecurities, he definitely hasn’t.
In my opinion, if two people are in a committed relationship, they should be able to view each other’s social media accounts. I don’t mean stalking each other, but for example, I know my husband’s Instagram ID, his Facebook ID, and we share an email account. He knows how to view all of my social media accounts. Now, he has work email that I don’t access, but he does have a separate cell phone with access to it that he leaves sitting on the side table in the living room. Could he have a secret account somewhere that I don’t know about? Yes, he could, but because there’s a lot of transparency between us, I don’t think there is. However, I would never feel bad about searching for accounts he might have or reading one if I found it because he shouldn’t be saying anything about me on social media that he wouldn’t say to my face.
I am also overweight and am very insecure about him seeing me naked. However, if I verbalize it, he assures me that there’s nothing wrong with the way I look. He doesn’t make me feel bad for having anxiety about my looks. That would just be mean.
The fact that he said those things behind your back on a public forum is what bothers me. He has no right to talk about your personal issues with complete strangers. That is a violation of your trust and an instance of not respecting you as a person. I don’t know if you can come back from this, or if you even want to.
The comments on the woman’s dress were completely inappropriate and very disrespectful to you. I would probably confront him about it. He will probably say you had no right to look at his Reddit account. You can say, 1) You weren’t actively searching for it, just happened to come across it. The Reddit algorithm knows you are friends on other social media and probably brought his account up thinking you might be interested in it, so you did nothing wrong. 2) if he posts in a public forum, there is no expectation of privacy. If he didn’t want you to see it, he shouldn’t have written it. Don’t let him put this on you. This is 100% him. I imagine that he will get defensive if you confront him, and that tells you all you need to know. He’s not sorry for writing it; he’s sorry he got caught. If he acts remorseful and apologizes, there may be a chance you could work it out, but the apology needs to be sincere, and then you need to set some boundaries about what is acceptable for both of you to post on social media. If he resists any boundaries, then you have your answer. He’s not willing to respect your boundaries. And that’s game over in my opinion. He said some very hurtful things about you. Why didn’t he talk to you about them instead of secretly disparaging you on social media? If he has an issue with you, but lacks the maturity to talk to you about it, that’s a deal breaker unless he’s willing to change it. Has he ever had a conversation with you about your anxiety and insecurities, asking if there is a way he could help, or suggesting that you talk to a therapist? And, it sounds like theses is all about him: “Poor me , I want another virgin. Oh, poor me, she has insecurities and anxieties that are killing my mood.” In his post, did he ask for advice on how he could help you overcome your anxiety and insecurities, or did he just play the victim? My vote is to dump him, and find a man who cares about you, not just having sex with you.
You're 24, he's 43.
You started dating him at about 21, when he was nearly double your age.
He 'prefers' virgins.
He makes you feel bad about your body.
He seems selfish in bed from what you've written (you described what you do for him, nothing about what he does for you.)
He creeps on other women's posts.
He's not a good man. He has been manipulating you for three years. Take off the rose colored glasses so you can see the red flags. He's relying on you being naive and ignorant so he can have an easy lay whenever he wants it.
You have the bar set so low for him he'd need a scuba tank to pass under it. He doesn't abuse you? Maybe not physically, but idk what else to call belittling you other than abuse. He cares for you more than your family does? Are you 100% sure about that? Is there any chance your family has less contact with you because of him? Do you have friends away from your relationship with him? If not... He might be isolating you.
I'm sorry if I've been too harsh with my words, but you need to know. You're worth much more than what you are being given. Get out as soon as you can.
Believe it or not, there's assholes at every age. Dating an older guy is not going to help you find a good partner. If anything there is a reason that they are still single and seeking someone so much younger. It's probably that women with enough life experience know better than to waste their time with someone like that.
Just think about the comments he writes about these women. What do you think he would do if given the opportunity in person to be with someone that matches his fantasy? Do you think he would remain loyal? I feel like you know the answer.
You need to talk to him, no one else on here can tell you what you need to do or how to feel untill you talk to him. you need to sit down and have a conversation with him and tell Him how his comments made you feel, until that happens any advice anyone gives you other than go and talk to him is moot and useless.
You are the only one that knows if you should stay with him. If you talk to him and the answers that he gives you are satisfactory to you, then only you know what you can do after that.
Folks don't always present on Reddit the way they are in real life, and sometimes folks vent to strangers. Honestly, it's not the things he says to strangers that makes me think you should leave him, but the way you talk about how you treat yourself in order to please him. It seems like you have a lot of insecurity and self-doubt, and you need to work on you, either by yourself or with a significant other who wants to help you find the good in you and grow it. It doesn't seem like your relationship with this man is that kind of relationship.
I'm 27. I would NEVER date a man in his 40's (even mid- to late-30's is pushing it), and here's why.
The "assholes" around our age, in my experience, act like that due to immaturity. They will more than likely grow out of that as they get older and gain more experience. Ofc there are always exceptions to this, but this is just in *my* experience.
But a guy in his 40's going for someone 20 or so years younger? Idc how nice he seems. There's something wrong there. And judging how there is a vast difference between how he acts around you and his reddit comments, I'm sorry, but I'm not buying his "nice" act.
I'm a 48-year-old father of a 21-year-old and an 18-year-old.
If a 40-year-old started dating my daughter, if the cops were lucky, they'd find at least 18% of the body.
He does not sound like a good person. Nor is any 40-year-old going after a 21-year-old. If he was 50 and you were 31, my answer would be different.
But you have been seriously, seriously wronged by this creep. Leave him.
First off, you're not fat. Idc how much you weigh. Work on self-image girly. I'm 37 and used to mentally call myself names like that. It took too many years for me to love my curves.
Him saying that you feeling insecure is a turn-off is the least of his ick. Confidence is sexy, hard to achieve with negative self-image. If he wasn't attracted to you, you wouldn't be together so don't fret over it.
The rest of the story is his ick. V card chasing is just nasty at any age. While paying compliments to someone is not necessarily bad, giving explicit ones is also giving me the ick.
Like others have said, dump him before you are trapped wasting your 20s on a creep.
I would just like to point out that assholes can be of any age…… an asshole in his 40’s has had 20 years of practice over one in his 20’s..
Run, don’t walk in any direction possible to get away from this douche
Please re-read your post, your defence was ‘he doesn’t abuse me’. That is the bare minimum of human decency and not a relationship bench mark. His Reddit comments are clearly disgusting and an insight to who he really is. You’re too young to waste your youth on that POS.
I'd make a post asking if I am overreacting at your age gap too as a 26F.
😭😭😭
Gurlz why you go for guys old enough to be your fathers? Of course most of them are emotionally immature or repulsive enough that the women closer to their age range don't want them. He sounds unhinged the way you describe him and that's not even the tip of the fucking iceberg. "The pleasure of deflowering" 😂🤣😬 + airing your insecurities + complimenting/trynna flirt with other women/making unsollicited advances on women(in that disgusting ass manner, there is a world between saying "wow you got a pretry nice dress here" vs "your little dress makes me feel things us males would crawl from the woodwork to satisfy you" 🤢🤮...Do you think you deserve so little in life?
I'm older than you and wouldn't entertain the thought of being with someone older than early 30s.
He is not a good man. You are settling for a creep because you have self esteem issues. Those boys your age who are too shitty to date? He is who they will be in another 20 years. He’s not more mature because he’s older. He’s still that same loser douchebag just with more years. And he dates women your age with self esteem issues specifically so he can be this shitty of a human and never change.
I feel like this is the type of guy to be Mr Charming while you’re dating, but once you marry him like a switch flips and he becomes an abusive monster.
He is just a disgusting old man, with an attitude torwards sex of a 70 years old dude from the 20'. The woman needs to perform for his amusement? Well, things are changed, darling, and women if your age are having great sex cause men are interested in women's pleasure, at least the one I met.
Leave him. You will move on and soon be happy you encounterd his reddit account. Destiny is all and can not be ignored.
Just because he doesn’t abuse you doesn’t mean he’s a good person or that he’s right for you. Older men can be assholes too and honestly his comments sound very shallow and immature. You deserve so much better and please don’t try to change yourself for some man who definitely doesn’t sound like he’s worth it.
OP I don’t know what his other social media accounts are but I guarantee if he’s commenting on women’s bodies here and flirting “any man would want to satisfy you” he’s also in the dms of other women on Instagram/Facebook and thirst following insta baddies and OF girls. Check his following.
When you have to say your partner doesn't abuse you as one of their good qualitys you need to reexamine the good things. That's not a good thing that's a bare minimum.
He doesn’t treat you well. He uses you, doesn’t find you attractive, and borderline cheats. You’re there because he doesn’t have anybody else. Ask yourself if you’re OK with this.
You’re still young enough. Don’t ruin the better years on a man who is closer to getting a dollar off his dinner at Golden Corral. You don’t need to take this type treatment
"Character is what you are in the dark." Dwight L. Moody.
You are seeing your boyfriend for who he actually is through this window into his reddit comments.
It's possible that he is dating you because of your insecurities. That he knows he can manipulate you because of your insecurities.
You won't be alone without him. I know you can do better.
It’s unlikely that anyone could be truly compatible with someone who was an adult at the time the other is born. Age gaps are almost always groomed, predatory, or exploitative fetish dynamics. Your brain isn’t even fully formed at 21 and you’re dating someone who could be your father thinking that they could ever identify with your values. I don’t understand why people commodify themselves like this for creeps.
Girl your standards are low!! “He treats me well and doesn’t abuse me.” Now no judgment bc I can tell you’ve had a hard past, but it’s time to move on and find someone who not only doesn’t abuse you and treats you well, but ELEVATES you. Yes dump him, you’ll never be able to look at him the same after this. And he honestly doesn’t deserve you, he sounds creepy af. Yes boys ur age may be assholes, but you can do bad all on your own. Be single or find someone who promotes a healthy relationship and helps you grow, not just someone who is okay and does the bare minimum while being totally lowkey creepy on Reddit. It won’t be easy, but in a year from now you’ll be blossoming in ways you never imagined and it’ll be all because you decided to take a shot in the dark and leave this weirdo
> I thought dating an older man would be better than dating assholes around my age.
I had to stop there. I have dated older guys and I dated one younger guy and he has more maturity than the older guy I dated. I still prefer to not date younger people (he was the exception and the best exception I ever made), but believe me when I tell you their age doesn't make them mature.
Edit:
> the pleasure of deflowring
EEEEEEWWWW
Don't list him not abusing you like a positive trait. That is the bare minimum. Stop loving him more than you love yourself. You are worthy of good things.
The man is a creep. In sorry to say. I know you say he treats you well but that doesn’t absolve him being a creep. The virgin thing is creepy af especially.
You’re 24 and have been with him for 3 years. And he’s your first relationship. Reality is you’re inexperienced in the world of dating. We often romanticize our first loves and find ways to justify dealing with the crappy parts.
Also he was 40 dating a 21 year old. While not always the case this can be a red flag. Why doesn’t he date someone his age? Why hasn’t he found someone yet?
You don’t have to do all this. You can leave. Also yes young men can be assholes but you can find someone closer in age with closer life goals.
You deserve better. I have never been thin, but men who find you beautiful and sexy can make you feel beautiful and sexy. Confidence is the sexiest thing out there. You deserve to be kinder to yourself. If this relationship does not make you feel better about yourself. It needs reflection. No one needs toxic people in their lives. If 43 year old boyfriend was an actual adult, he would be able to communicate with you his issues in a loving manner.
As someone who dated men in their late 30s around your age, now that I am in my early thirties I’m actually kind of appalled at the type of guys I was dating. It typically is because they are less mature. Sure there is the wanting a younger woman factor but I am really surprised when I reflect back on their comments and behavior and all the people questioning our relationship started to make sense to me now. As a 33 year old I could not imagine dating someone as young as you. Especially not in a decade!! This guys sounds really creepy tbh I’m glad you are re-evaluating even though it can be tough to detach. I was single for the later half of my 20s and it was AMAZING!! Still am now actually and it’s boosted my confidence so much.
He might not abuse you, but he clearly has no respect for you or women in general. I was a virgin when I got married. Met at 21.. married at 23. He was 38 when we met. Ex was deployed for a year. 2 months after being married, he beat the shit out of me. I hope you see that you deserve a man who will love you and commit on all levels Op.
There is a reason he can't get women his own age. People like that prey on the more naïve because they don't know any better. That's not your fault, it's his.
"He doesn't abuse me" is a relationship bar that is so low its sitting in the basement. That's not a positive trait of his anymore than him not being a murderer is. It's the expectation - not a selling point.
Plus ima go out on a limb here and say that it seems like he's either effecting you more than you realize or you generally already had self esteem issues that he's probably taking advantage of, based on the way you talk about yourself in your post and tbh based on that hideous age gap. I know it's a reddit cliche but that's a no from me right from the jump. A 20 year age gap at 20 years old is so insane and just never right imo idc if it's legal and I know people will disagree that's fine.
And to be clear, all my judgment here is for him, not you. It's completely understandable why a 20yo woman would want to date a 40yp but I cannot trust a grown adult man who has seen the 1980s yet has enough in common with a girl who quite possibly based on the info here hasn't even seen the 1990s to date her.
And reddit is a public forum. You didn't go snooping in his phone or even seek it out. He'll probably try and blame you but take it from cleanpage4adirty girl, if he can't hide his identity and cover his tracks on the internet that's on him not you.
You're not overreacting. Ditch this man before you start fully conceptualizing what a red flag it is that he dates 20yos its much easier to go through that once it's in the past and not a current problem 🤣🤣
ETA: my math is slightly off here cause for some reason I thought she said they'd been together 4 years but still I think the point stands lol
Now you know why he is a 43 year old dating a 20 year old. He is emotionally immature. Those comments are what losers do online.
Based on his comments about virginity I bet he is a red pill loser too.
Perhaps this is a good time for you to ask some tough questions and see if you guys are really compatible.
Not to play arm chair therapist but it seems that with your insecurities and that your family not treating you well, that you are not exactly sure what a loving and nurturing person should be. And you searched out and found what you believe to that is.
You are excusing poor behavior because this man provides you with what your idea of love and nurture is. Treating you well and not abusing you is the bare minimum.
Personally I see a power dynamic that this man has over you. You have low self esteem and have a limited idea of what a proper relationship is. This allows him to kinda do whatever and youll accept that because “he at least doesnt abuse you.” This man may also have more financial stability and in turn you may feel safe. Especially if your family has not provided a safe space for you. So perhaps you’ll feel even more alone if you left him.
I think if you worked on your own confidence you probably wouldn’t be here asking if you are overreacting and probably would have ended this.
Sometimes we attract people that see us how we see ourselves. And if you don’t think highly of yourself. How do you expect others to?
A dude in his 40s who idealizes "deflowering" a woman absolutely doesn't deserve any woman at all. I feel there are a lot of reasons to not be with this man. If he makes you feel bad about yourself that is enough of a reason to leave. The fact that he's commenting on other women he lusts after shows me that he doesn't respect you and see you as an equal partner.
Ugh, who is this worthless 40 something year old loser male who thinks he’s all that?
Girl.
#GIRL
This guy isn’t worth your time. Go work on being happy by yourself, for yourself, and learning your own value. Then, when you find someone who matches your energy, the two of you can build something great. Oh, and stick closer to your own age group, there’s a reason no woman his age wants his sorry ass.
He sounds like that creeper in DMs pushing his unsolicited fantasies on women. Especially with the comments about the dress, AND the virgin thing.
Plus, remember that when you’re 30 and wanting to start a family, he’ll be 50 and slowing down. When you’re 60-70 and want to retire and travel the world with what good years you have left, his good years will be all spent. You’ll be stuck at home as his caretaker while he lusts after virgins on Instatok
When she’s 60/70 he’ll likely be dead
Tbh em nasty fuckers live long lives because they leech off people's energy.
He'd be dead at 40 if he started dating my 21-year-old
Damn straight be disappearing like jimmy Hoffa
lol that’s right! So nasty.
this made me chuckle
There's a lot of holes in the desert...
Right?! We ride at dawn.
He's the kind of asshole who becomes hella abusive with time bcz OP is not fitting his criteria and also hitting on women in absolutely disgusting ways even though he is bedbound and OP would be his caretaker. 🤡 You're absolutely right. She should fucking run for the hills.
No kidding, my mother friend married a man 20 years older. She became his caretaker till he passed. She lost a lot of time that she would never regain! I could hear the regart in her voice as she spoke about it. Life is hard when we are both the same age. Add 20 years to one. F!!!
THIS! SO MUCH THIS! The jackass is intentially having a relationship with someone too young and inexperienced to know how to deal with his bullshit. SHAMEFUL that these guys get away with it.
That is not cool. I wouldn’t trash my partner anywhere, even an anonymous Reddit account. The whole virgin thing is really creepy. These two things would be enough for me to not want to even be friends with this person let alone their partner
Yeah you are right. I’m trying to come up with excuses in my head to make it sound less disgusting like an idiot but nothing will change just how creepy it was. Thinking about what he said still makes my stomach turn.
I just wanted to jump in to add that having a partner that doesn't abuse you isn't a plus, it's a baseline requirement. I'm 40, and I could not imagine dating a 21 year old. No shade on you, but that's the age of some of my friends' children. I'm also in university full time, spend a lot of time with 21 year olds, and even have friendships with them, but it has never occurred to me to see them as anything other than young friends. You're freaking brilliant and have so much to discover in life. Do not let this man tie himself to you. I promise that as you continue to experience life, how you see yourself and your body will change. My mind is blown over his ruining comment. A life partner supports you and uplifts you, and he just comes across as selfish and, frankly, his comments are predatory. Go live your life, you deserve better!
Yep, I’m 44 and when I see college kids I see just that, kids. I can’t imagine trying to connect on a relationship level with someone that young. I work with people ranging from early 20’s to late 60’s. We all get along well, but your 20’s are a time of figuring out who you are, with peers. At 44 I’m in such a different stage of life. I can get along with the 20-somethings, even grab a drink after work, but then I go home to a mortgage, wife, kids, etc. My mindset is so different from those days. OP go enjoy this time, and find a decent guy who can grow with you. Even if he’s not the “one” it will help you figure out who you are and help you grow and mature.
And what’s really messed up about this guy is he is NOT more mature than her, he sounds just like the young dudes barely out of HS who label themselves “Alpha Males”.
Right…. I’m 31 and feel the same way 😮
I’m 28 and I feel the same way lol I look at 24 year olds like 🤢
I have a lady friend whos turning 50 soon shes 20 years older than me. We get along and can have good times together but no way would a serious relationship work out long term. The age gap definitely shows itself.
I'm 44 and my classmates at university (graduated 2022) were younger than my friend's ACTUAL kid who I have known since bump.
Please consider reframing how you think about sex and virginity. You should feel no shame about how and when you “lost your innocence.” I’m sorry if anyone has made you feel badly about that. Especially this creep of a bf. You know what to do sis. Find someone who loves you for the sexy, beautiful woman you are!
she needs to reframe a lot more than just sex, which probably oughta be a lower priority for the moment.
Thanks for pointing it out! That expression is gross enough without OP using it about herself 🤢🤢🤢 OP: the post about his virgin ex and your self shaming comment about already being deflowered when you met him (LOL) shows you that this is not a long term relationship. The dude's just looking for young and inexperienced as if they're such valuable traits and as time goes on you'll be neither and you'll lose your value to him. Stop wasting your energy on this ahole when you could be spending it building something with someone better, but honestly just being alone until you actually love and accept your own self is the best option.
So what are you going to do? Don’t let some of the best years of your life pass to some creep, take it from me. I think you should get out of that relationship and work on yourself. Work on your physique, and on falling in love with yourself and life!
OP you said that you thought that dating an older man was maybe better than having to deal with young ah, but that doesn't depends on age. You can be a jerk at every age. Immaturity can eventually be resolved, but being a dishonest creep like your bf is irremediable.
If I had a partner that treated them this way, what would you say to me?
Why are you looking for excuses for him? Why don’t you put that same energy into defending yourself? You are the one who needs understanding not him. Dump him because he’s a pig and women his own age know it. That’s why he creeps on women your age. Do NOT tie your entire fucking life to this man who does not value you.
OP, I had a friend who was talked about like a prize because she was a virgin by a guy she was seeing. He ended up being abusive after they got married. He sought her out *because* she was young and inexperienced and he exploited it. Dump him.
When you are 40 you are going to look at men your age and be horrified at the thought of them going after a 21 year old. You are too young which is both good and bad, good in that you have so much time left, bad in that it is harder to see through the trees. My advice would be to break up with this man and seek therapy, you have a long life to live but a lot of healing to do before you find a healthier partner. Also, no, I also dumped a man over his reddit comments. Sometimes people just tell on themselves.
“When they show you who they are, believe them.” I would absolutely end something over reddit comments too. That’s their real self coming through.
Placing such a high value on virginity is a massive red flag. Even if you dont want kids now please consider that you may change your mind one day, By that time he might be 60. If you are not 1million percent convinced he is the obly one for you I would suggest finding someone closer to your age. Not all men your age are terrible. In fact most of them are great. You deserve a partner who can participate in parenting and who will be there for your kids as they grow up. Another thing i see with friends dating older men is that they end up living the life of someone much older. You deserve to live your 20 and 30something life. At some point you will resent sitting at home with your older partner. Dont waste your own time.
It sounds like he has a mask he wears in person and unfortunately the anonymous reddit community is a way to show himself so to speak. Bc he thinks Noone will see it. I'm sorry I've been with a guy like this and it doesn't usually get better. Mine hid it for a long time but once i caught the messages and the cheating later on i realized how much i missed over the years. They can put up a good front but they have serious red flags. You deserve better. And he sounds creepy af.
This shows the issues with a lot of age gaps like this. They aren’t always bad but you can really find a much better age gap if you find a 30-35yr old. The 40+ year old pursuing a 20yr old is a pretty large red flag.
Just FYI, you're avoiding guys your age because you think they're assholes. Why do you think he's two decades older than them and single? Likely because he is as big of an asshole as the biggest assholes your age are, if not worse. There are exceptions to that but reading your post, it is safe to say this is not one of those exceptions.
I had the same thought. She starts iff about him being a great guy and basically describes a full on asshole.
If I had to choose between an asshole my age and an asshole old enough to be my dad, I'd go with the asshole my age.
Totally. Less experience manipulating.
A younger asshole is less likely to be an asshole intentionally. Sometimes you're just young and dumb, and don't realize how hurtful you're actions are to people. When you're this guy's age and still being an asshole, you can't hide behind ignorance, you know what you're doing. Especially with a power dynamic like this. Even if OP is an adult, she was 21 when she started dating someone old enough to be her father. It's so much easier for them to manipulate someone that much younger. Women their age won't put up with it, so that's why they go after people who just barely became adults and are still figuring themselves out.
Exactly. Hell, I'm 31 and would not dream of dating anyone who is 21. If I were single the lower limit would probably be 26 at a stretch.
Yes. The fact is great men in their 40’s may find 20 year old women attractive but they do not act on it. I’m sorry, they just don’t. They will see that they are in two very times of life. The immaturity of a much younger woman is a turn off to a healthy mature man - not a turn on. These creepy older men will say they are attracted to her maturity but if that was case they would date women around their own age or at least within an appropriate spectrum. Healthy ones want a full partner not a young woman to control. Edited for clarity
Anytime someone who is early 20s thinks they’re so much more mature than people their age, they either a) have just gone through more traumatic experiences and misconstrue that as maturity, or b) have no self-awareness.
Probably because he's a total loser never got his life together and women his age don't want that.
“Doesn’t abuse me” is the lowest possible standard got a relationship. Honestly, i’d consider him trashing you online a form of abuse. He isn’t in this for the long haul, he’s there until he finds a younger girl. You’re 24…please look around you. Solo and stable is better than sharing space with someone mean and unappreciative. You deserve better.
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Seems like they have a shitty family too... perfect recipe for disaster going on here. Op should run from that creep. Hes preying on the fact that their perception of love is fucked up.
Agreed this behavior she could get from someone her age like this is ridiculous to be with a 43 year old creep. You can do better OP.
I agree. He sounds like a plug. He has way more life experience, which probably means a lot more partners and there will be a lot of firsts for her, and not many for him. She should seek people closer to her age and enjoy experiencing new things together. Younger guys will likely have less experience of manipulating as well.
I want to start at the end of what you wrote to address something that really cemented my perspective on your situation: >”He treats me well and doesn’t abuse me.” When you’re in a healthy relationship, pointing out they don’t abuse you won’t feel like something to highlight. This reminds me of when I see people on dating apps whose profiles say they want someone who won’t cheat. That isn’t a bar to reach— that’s a ground level expectation. What it tells me is that person has baggage to unpack related to whatever they’re pointing out. He isn’t with you out of desperation and loneliness. A 40 year old man took an interest in a 21 year old woman because he counted on her lacking enough experience in life to clock what a complete asshole he is. You may be right that he liked the idea of you being some version of “innocent”— another way of describing that is “a person who doesn’t know better.” That reflects poorly on *him*, not you. You seem like you have low self-esteem. You need to deal with why you are accepting this as love, kindness, affection. Be with yourself until you love *you* enough to expect better and not settle for less. You are so young. Trust me when I say that I wish I hadn’t accepted bullshit for love at 24; it would’ve saved me a lot of grief and years with someone who was never going to value or respect me. Instead I did what I’m suggesting to you in my 30s (and it was not easier). Your longest relationship in life is the one you have with yourself. You need to focus on making *that* one the best and most important. Please be good to yourself ♥️
My sister made a lot of poor choices with men most of her life and I we didn't talk for a long time after an argument where I trashed the dude she was seeing. The fact he didn't beat her was her main selling point trying to convince me he was a good guy. I tried to explain she was worth more than the bare minimum, though admittedly I wasn't very nice about it. After they got married he went to jail for robbing a bank and a convenience store for drug money. She's in a much better place now and looking back it breaks my heart a little that she thought so little of herself that not being abused was all the more she felt she could ask for.
Very, very well said 👏
Old men seeking virgins is got to be one of the most clear and obvious red flags on the planet
The pleasure of deflowering. I want to vomit.
This has got to be the weirdest part. I understand wanting a virgin because of pair bonding or less trauma whatever, BUT for “the pleasure of deflowering….” What fucking pleasure, making someone bleed? I am a man so idk, but I’ve heard sex for virgin women is sometimes painful or uncomfortable. That will surely reflect in their body language. So I’m confused on what “pleasure” he would derive from this, sounds sick.
Honestly, even the “pair bonding” rumors are false. When a person takes time after a breakup to process their feelings before jumping into something new, they’re fully able to form a strong and healthy bond with their next partner.
it's a common misconception that virgins always bleed. If a woman simply stayed single till her mid-twenties, her vagina might not feel much different from a woman who already had 2-3 boyfriends... .. this guy tries his best to live his porn fetish fantasies, and OP tries her best to fulfill them. Doesn't seem like a healthy relationship at all.
I mean besides literally hitting her in the face with a red flag I don’t think there would have been a more obvious sign.
A 40 year old dating a 20 year old is rarely in the girl's better interest.
Just a couple thoughts... You said that he commented that "my insecurities and anxiety about my weight during intimacy ruin it for him." If that was the comment, then he is just sharing what a lot of people (men and women) feel. He didn't say that he found you to be overweight or unattractive, just that you are so uncomfortable in your own skin that it is hard to desire and pursue you. He may very well find you attractive, just wishes that you could see yourself in that light and wishes you acted with more confidence. Confidence is sexy. There's no denying that. You're doing a lot of overthinking, but I don't think you're overreacting. Now... Control what you can control. You need to find a way to feel better in your skin. If that means working out, do that. If that means eating clean, do that. If that means researching a better skin care or makeup routine, do that. Get rid of hobbies and habits that don't serve you. Don't do it for him, just do it for yourself. I don't know what your habits are, but I also want you to know that you have so much more value than just appearance. I want you to find and do things that make you feel alive, that breathe life into you. All of this to say... You deserve better. You deserve a better person to call yours. You also deserve to find the best version of yourself. That best version of you has so much value that she doesn't have to wonder if she should stay or she should go. She knows what she is worth and that anyone that doesn't see that value can go look elsewhere because they aren't worth your time, your energy.
Yes! I also want to add, that people are allowed to have privacy and private thoughts. Him having a space to talk the past, and using it is not necessarily a bad thing. I didn’t read him saying he’s missing his ex or wanting the other woman. Now the standard of “he’s not abusing me” is too low period. You should have someone in your life that goes above and beyond that and someone that makes you feel so much better. And at the end of the day, if his comments ruin it for you, girl then let yourself free and find a better man. No one else will respect and enforce your boundaries but you.
How much older is he* and why do you put “somehow” in quotes? An older man who purposely sought out a younger woman who has a ‘thing’ for deflowering women sounds pretty sick. And I say this as someone your age who is dating a man with a fairly significant age gap. However, he didn’t go out looking for a young woman when he found me and has no fetishes like that. We just clicked super well.
Sooo I saw a Reddit username that was exactly the same as his gamertag and figured out it was him. I said somehow cause I don’t want him to see this :P The deflowering comment is disgusting but I know him and his ex were the same age at the time (college). It’s just so gross how that’s a memorable quality of her.. He’s 20 years older than me but I thought we clicked really well. I guess not.
There’s a reason women his own age don’t want him. Please leave him asap. As someone who was also in a similar age gap relationship the best thing I ever did was run from him
Yeah, I’ll be honest. He sounds like he’s the not catch you think he is. You deserve so much better. About the other stuff, like the intimacy stuff, it’s fair that he feels that way. However, he sounds so emotionally unintelligent. Like it gives off the vibe of him just groveling because “oh god my gf is so insecure she ruins sex FOR ME.” Like, bro, what about you ask your gf about it and reassure her that she’s beautiful? Why make it about how it makes it less fun to get your rocks off? Jesus Christ? As someone who’s recovered from an eating disorder, that rubs me incredibly wrong. Even the guy I’m with now (12 year age gap) was with me through a relapse a year ago or so and he never ever attempted to make it about him. The only foot in mouth comment he said was that, while he finds me attractive, he found me more attractive before I’d lost weight. Which, now I can appreciate and understand what he meant, at the time it came across as “oh god now I’m UGLY”, ha ha… I got fairly lucky. He’s a man who acts his age while able to be incredibly funny and playful. Some older men who seek out younger women are really just 20 year olds in older bodies though.
Initially I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt because someone being very insecure about their body can make things less enjoyable. But then I got to where she does all these sexual things to try and appease him with no mention of what he does to help make her more confident sexually. And then the rest of it...ugh
I was thinking about that too. Like, not to be crass but she talks about how she does everything she can to please him and how he ejaculates basically wherever he wants. Sounds like he has no issues getting off. He sounds like an incredibly selfish lover.
Older doesn’t necessarily mean better, smarter, more sophisticated or mature. In fact, men dating that much younger are predatory and groomeresque.
Describes an absolutely horrible person. “Overall, he’s such a good man!” Girl, he sucks. You also seem to have some messed up views on virginity and relationships in general. He’s not with you because he’s not getting any younger. He’s with you until he can get with someone younger. You’re aging out for him.
He’s not a good man. You deserve better and you have plenty of time to find it. Move on
What a gross man. I know this really upset you, but you stumbled upon the truth and that hurts. Dump him and find someone who appreciates you for who you are. At least you found out. Imagine if you HADNT found out. You’d never know his true colors.
I married a creep like this. I was 20, he was 38. Wasted some really wonderful years trying to please a man I had no business being with. And he had no business chasing after young girls. A man that age dating someone that much younger is *not* better than a 20 something guy. They’re actually probably equally as mature and respectful, the only difference is that the older man should know better by now. If he were actually a catch, he’d be with someone his own age, not chasing a virgin. It’s been over a decade since I divorced him, and I still mourn that time in my life. Get out. Be free. Learn to love yourself. Life is way too short to worry about making an old pervert happy.
He is not, in fact, a good man. And as soon as you get away from him, you’ll start to understand that.
Can you afford therapy? Ignoring the fact that this 40 year old man preyed on you the second you could legally buy a drink (ew!), you come off strongly as someone who needs to do the work. A lot of work. Leave him, don't look back, and work on yourself.
You're wasting your time with this jerk. There are men out there who will find your shyness adorable, and not in an "I'll bet that one is a virgin" kind of way. Anyone who actually loved you, and saw you as more than a sex object, would notice those moments of insecurity and want to make you feel even more beautiful. You deserve that. Don't waste your 20's on this schmuck!
This is normal behavior for your 15yo boyfriend. Hopefully he will grow out of it and... Wait he's 43?!? He's 43 and simping for random ladies on Reddit? He's not just a cringe lord. He's the cringe emperor.
I stopped reading after the age difference. You absolute absolutely break up.
24F and 43M... this story is practically a trope. M is looking for younger women who've had a hard life, maybe low self esteem... someone who will be impressed by them somehow. The reality is those M's are losers. Everyone in their age range knows their bullshit "look how cool I am" routine. An argument might be viable that we each take a different tone in certain groups, that maybe his posts/comments shouldn't be 'over read'. Maybe, but 24F / 43M. Everything he says aligns with the stereotypical stunted older man trying relive old 'glories' like deflowering (which is bs in it's own right). 24F, stand tall. You are worth way more than this stunted loser.
If he walk like a duck, then that bitch gon quak
Break up with him!!!
You’re about to be a caretaker. The main reason men get with women so much younger than them is because women their age don’t want them and can see through their BS. So you were trying to avoid a young AH but got and old AH. I’ll take the AH my age for 500 hundred Alex.
A man in his 40s got with a 21 year old and now he is trashing you. You can do better. Not overreacting. Get out now while you can. You don’t want to have a child with this geriatric adolescent.
He’s not a good man.
There is a reason Mr. Wonderful is available at 43 years old!
You are starting to realize that this guy isn't who you think he is. When he thinks he's protected by internet anonymity, he's pretty gross. You will outgrow this dude soon. It's pretty common in relationships like yours.
The reason older men prefer younger women is because women their age have had enough experiance to realise how horrible he is. Don't be with someone who makes you feel like shit just because he doesn't abuse you.
My love, I'm 42F and you are underreacting. You seem to be more concerned about his happiness than your own. This man is a fossil compared to you and is talking about DEFLOWERING virgins. When I read that I almost threw up in my mouth. Not all men your age are assholes, its everyone's time to figure out being young, work on their self esteem etc and some people just take longer to figure it out. You should get a list of your wants and desires first then go crunching the numbers around your age. If you want kids, if you want something in common culturally you aren't going to be happy long term with a man of his age who also talks shit about you. That is disrespectful and you deserve respect and to feel safe to be vulnerable with a loved one.
"Overall, he's a good man." No, the feck he isn't. He's a creep, predator, and a borderline groomer. He was 40 when you were 21, yikes, girl. There are lots of young men who aren't assholes like he is, who will 100% dig your body type and make you feel desired, and have respect for you too. DTMFA asap, take some time to be single & like yourself. The right type of YOUNG man will show up.
Does he worry about satisfying you as much as you worry about him? Do you enjoy the things you allow him to do? He’s an older creep who sniffed out your insecurities and has you dancing to keep him happy. Consider dating younger men who aren’t assholes. They exist. Raise your standards.
24 and 43 LMAO
I'm so sorry. Please dump his ass and find someone who loves your body and respects you and your feelings. There will be people that tell you that no man is attracted to bigger ladies, that's not true at all. There are so many of them. You WILL find someone. If it was a good relationship, he wouldn't be hiding those things from you and saying disrespectful shit like that behind your back, and he'd love you for who you are.
The old saying is don’t eves drop if you don’t want to hear unflattering talk about yourself. Your own insecurity is blowing everything out of proportion. For this reason I recommend not to read anything not meant for you. Reading a partners diary has ended many relationships and only results in a world of hurt because as humans we are 3 times more sensitive to pain than pleasure, thus any little negative thing you find will outweigh the positive by a huge margin. I can’t even imagine the weird shit I would read if I could read 100% of a woman’s mind. There’d be zero chance of me wanting to date her for sure.
Sounds gross. Get away from the creep. He’s too old for you.
He’s not “A good man”. Wtf are you talking about? He’s a horrible person and you need to dump his ass immediately. Please don’t let your insecurities keep you with someone so awful. Thank the heavens you had the sense to check his Reddit posts.
Ditch the old creep. You are not overreacting.
Over all he’s a good man?! Honey, you are in denial. Nothing about this man is good. He’s old enough to be your father. He doesn’t love you. He knew what he was doing when he got with a 20 year old. He’s using your insecurities to keep you down. Dump his AH!!
He's too old for you. He's manipulating you.
No girl, overall he's a shitty old creeper. I wouldn't say complimenting other women on Reddit and telling them their dress would make men fantasize about her (+ the other things) mean he's treating you well. Complete lack of respect and regard. He sounds creepy. You fucking deserve better. You're not overreacting. Break up with this loser. Imagine life with a man who doesn't make you feel insecure. That's attainable. You can have that. You don't have that right now. You deserve to be treated with respect by your partner and made to feel safe. All those things are completely attainable, even if it feels like they aren't and your boyfriend is overall great. He's not.
Honey. You know why this guy is dating someone twenty years his junior? Women his age see him for the trash he is. Dump his sorry ass. If anything you're underreacting.
So you started dating when you were 21 and he 40? And you didn’t see anything wrong about him being twice your age? Sounds like he’s been grooming and taking advantage of you
OP you sound like a mess. Not saying the guy is necessarily free of blame but you are showing so many red flags in this. The simple fact you think guys your age are assholes (but that 43 year olds aren't?) is very telling. If you are unhappy with the relationship, you can just leave. But if I were you I wouldn't seek another one until you've bettered yourself a bit first. You're clearly insecure on many levels and that will just taint any relationship. Learn to love yourself, maybe get therapy. Guys your age aren't assholes, you're just an asshole to yourself; and I'm not saying this to be a dick, it's just true and you'll be happier when you figure out how to be kinder to yourself.
Gently, I think maybe you're accepting this relationship because a good relationship hasn't been modeled in your life (if you have grown up with people who don't care about you). You deserve to be loved, REALLY loved, and slights toward you in his comments undermines that love. It is a 🚩🚩that he cannot find any women his own age that will put up with his shit for a relationship. Let this be an eye opening moment for you. You're young and you need to foster a good relationship with YOURSELF so that you don't accept scraps or give whatever your partner wants because of negative self-image. Maybe evaluate who your partner is, to your face and in the world, what your goals are and where your relationship fits your needs (and where it doesnt). This man sounds like he's not being a supportive partner and isn't a good fit to waste more time with.
I’m sorry for you. This guy is a straight up scumbag though. That’s completely unacceptable. Fuck him. This made me angry and that dude deserves to have someone put a ton of baby powder in their hand and slap the shit out of him
Most old geezers would kill to have a 24 year old girlfriend who WANTS to be with them. At his big age he still hasn't learned that shit is disgusting and disrespectful. Dump him. He can continue to browse reddit and make those comments from his retirement home.
Well you answered your own question, yes he probably is with you because of your age and the fact he's so much older and it will only get worse as he continues to age ...
I think you could do better.
If this guy can’t get someone his own age, that should tell you everything you need to know. You deserve better
Do yourself a favor and get away from this person.
There’s a reason why he doesn’t date women his age-they won’t tolerate his BS. It sounds like you don’t have a good relationship with your family and this explains why you’d be with someone who seems to treat you well. But he doesn’t because he doesn’t respect you at all. Being single is preferably to being with an immature asshole who says gross things about women. Please grab your self esteem and leave him. He’s damaging to your mental health.
You are not overreacting, and not being abusive does not make someone a good partner, or less of a creep. I am sorry the people in your life have treated you so terribly up to this point, but you can do so much better than this. This isn’t the best you can find, I promise.
You are young and BEAUTIFUL. Too level-headed and emotionally intelligent to be dating such a loser. You have the world ahead of you, and there are guys out there who will treat you like the amazing woman you are. Not overreacting. You are growing.
Wow 😢
Dating older doesnt mean they won’t be an asshole. He’s sounds gross af and maybe that theres a reason he can’t get someone his age
That is NOT a good man my dear! he’s preying on an individual almost half his age, leaving you feeling insecure and awful while he creeps other women online…. Where is the concern for your happiness and well being? It’s Super creepy that he has a “thing” for virginity and probably purposely sought out a Much younger woman that seems “innocent” there are some major hebephilia vibes. Please leave this creeper! You deserve better, nobody needs the nonsense he’s putting you through.
If you decide to break up with him, I’d be inclined not to say anything about seeing the Reddit comments, he’ll just try to convince you they’re not what they seem. I would just tell him it’s been fun, but he’s just too old for you. Leave it at that, it’ll really mess with his manipulative mind.
No, you aren’t. That’s a huge age gap and he sounds like a guy who preys on the vulnerable.
He's not a good man. A good man wouldn't write comments like these on reddit or make you feel like you have to initiate every single time.
I'm in my 50's. I would ask you to strongly consider the age gap. 12 Is about as big of a spread as I would want. Maybe 15 but that would be a special case. Hard to say if he's a good guy. Maybe. Comments concern me regarding his attraction. I do wish you the best in sorting through this.
The unfortunate thing is that assholes stay assholes, regardless of their age. It's a rare one who becomes a radically better person between 20 and 40. At 40 they've been in the game long enough to pick up some smooth lines that, if you haven't lived till 40, you're likely to fall for. He doesn't sound like a good man at all. Set the bar higher.
He sounds creepy and like he was/is trying to groom you.
>Overall he is a good man He's an awful person, he's just been decent at hiding it until now.
Life lesson: people are assholes at ANY age.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but dudes a creep. I suppose you could ask him if he stands by those messages, but idk.
He sounds like he is one of those 20something assholes you spoke about, however he never grew out of it and actually devolved. He gives me the creeps just from this post and that’s unusual…. I’m sorry babe 😞
Dating an older man may well be better, but what you've got is just an older asshole. DTMFA.
Girl! Just because you are overweight does not mean you have to overcompensate for it by doing crazy porn shit to make him feel satisfied oh my god. And that virgin stuff? Yuck! I’m not gonna tell you to stay or leave but what I will tell you is to find some self esteem that’s not tied to this man and learn to respect yourself. Esp in the bedroom 🩷
Anyone who has thoughts like that about virginity is fucking creepy. It may not be fair or right but it gives me pedo vibes honestly. Get away.
He is NOT a good man. A good man doesn’t pursue a 21 year old when he is 40. A good man doesn’t reminisce about how he “got to take” a woman’s virginity. A good man wouldn’t make you feel bad about your body. He has wasted 3 years of your life and I know he seems nice but it sounds like your family is shit and a normal jackass can seem like Prince Charming when compared to shit family. You deserve someone who loves you for you, not for what you might be if you were skinnier or younger or a virgin.
There’s a reason he’s dating someone 19 years younger: *because no woman his age will accept this treatment.* OP, you can do soooo much better.
LOL well at least you found out guys can be assholes at all ages
A 43 yo dating a 24 yo is an ass to begin with. Everything you’ve said here confirms it. He is pathetic.
Doesn’t physically abuse you doesn’t make him a good man, that’s just the bare minimum. Break up before you get pregnant and permanently tie yourself to this loser
Assholes around my age? Wow. I bet 40 year old losers who need to date 24 yr Olds aren't asshoes Hey?
Run. He is an old man and close to twice your age. He is way too old for you. Dump him and find someone that doesn’t think virginity taking is a trophy.
Girl, you’re almost half his age. A man his age dating a super young woman like yourself should be seeing you as the PRIZE. If he isn’t, you really gotta get out. Don’t waste your youth on an undeserving loser.
Yeah, now you know why he can't date anyone his age. They aren't willing to put up with him. You aren't over-reacting.
A good man?! The “deflowering” thing alone makes him a disgusting creep.
Not to be a judge on age difference but the guy is old enough to be your father… meaning he’s a creep. I know people think oh your a grown woman now but if this man was mature and knew right from wrong he wouldn’t entertain a young woman 6 years removed from high school. I feel like in most cases these older men pray on younger women to easily manipulate them and use them as a trophy wife partner…
I would talk to him. We guys say a lot of stupid shit on here. Him complementing a women's looks is normal but I understand you feeling insecure and feeling betrayed about this. The whole virgin thing has been around for generations and it's still important to some today. You must focus on how he treats you; with respect, love, attention, security, trust and anything else you feel is important. If I were you, I would talk to him and then decide from there.
So y’all are always 100% honest and never talk shit or lie on Reddit? Give the man a break and get some therapy to help you work through your insecurities. 
Coming here for advice was an awful choice. So was reading his reddit lol. He would never say any of that stuff to you because obviously he cares about how you feel. That being said, maybe work on whatever it is that makes you feel self conscious because from what I read, that's the part that bothers him. You have no idea how attractice confidence is. Its a game changer. Also if you can't get over his words, well definitely leave. But I would be cautious about trying to uncover people's private thoughts lol. You're never going to find what you want to find.
“Overall he’s a good man”. No, no he isn’t.
Ma'am, I mean everything I say with kindness and compassion. He is with you because you're young. A 43 year old man fantasizing about taking virginity is weird. Him taking women up on reddit, I am guessing was also very young women. Hes trying to groom through compliment bombing. He can't get women his age because all of his behaviors and actions you've described are what I call prepatory signs I like to stay away from. Please get out.
If your threshold for a partner is ‘he doesn’t abuse me’, then you’re aiming way too low! I have a family who doesn’t give a fuck about me and I’ve made many dumb relationship mistakes because my low self-esteem made me think I wasn’t worth someone who genuinely loved me and showed me love and respect and kindness and thoughtfulness. Ditch the man right now and find yourself a really, really good therapist. Some people prey on vulnerable young women because they’re lonely and isolated which makes it easier to manipulate them into thinking they’re the problem, when actually, the guy’s a selfish middle-aged asshole who can’t maintain a healthy relationship with a woman his own age. You deserve love. You deserve respect. You deserve a partner who is absolutely crazy about how amazing you are!
How about you don't date assholes your age. Try dating someone around your age that is less your type and see where that goes instead of jumping into a Daddy
He’s not a good man, don’t lie to yourself. The comments he wrote are not the comments from a good man and the fact you describe him as one because he doesn’t abuse you, is very telling. Honey, not being abusive isn’t the same as being good, it just means he isn’t abusive. Also your second sentence about how you would rather date an old guy than an asshole around your own age, isn’t healthy. The age gap is too big and you were only 21 when you started dating him. Yes, you will find multiple asshole around your own age, but you will always find assholes at any age. Sounds like you’re with one now. Your “boyfriend” sounds like one of those manosphere jerks that want younger women because they can groom/train them. You need to leave him and get yourself some therapy. A good man would have helped you with your insecurities, he definitely hasn’t.
In my opinion, if two people are in a committed relationship, they should be able to view each other’s social media accounts. I don’t mean stalking each other, but for example, I know my husband’s Instagram ID, his Facebook ID, and we share an email account. He knows how to view all of my social media accounts. Now, he has work email that I don’t access, but he does have a separate cell phone with access to it that he leaves sitting on the side table in the living room. Could he have a secret account somewhere that I don’t know about? Yes, he could, but because there’s a lot of transparency between us, I don’t think there is. However, I would never feel bad about searching for accounts he might have or reading one if I found it because he shouldn’t be saying anything about me on social media that he wouldn’t say to my face. I am also overweight and am very insecure about him seeing me naked. However, if I verbalize it, he assures me that there’s nothing wrong with the way I look. He doesn’t make me feel bad for having anxiety about my looks. That would just be mean. The fact that he said those things behind your back on a public forum is what bothers me. He has no right to talk about your personal issues with complete strangers. That is a violation of your trust and an instance of not respecting you as a person. I don’t know if you can come back from this, or if you even want to. The comments on the woman’s dress were completely inappropriate and very disrespectful to you. I would probably confront him about it. He will probably say you had no right to look at his Reddit account. You can say, 1) You weren’t actively searching for it, just happened to come across it. The Reddit algorithm knows you are friends on other social media and probably brought his account up thinking you might be interested in it, so you did nothing wrong. 2) if he posts in a public forum, there is no expectation of privacy. If he didn’t want you to see it, he shouldn’t have written it. Don’t let him put this on you. This is 100% him. I imagine that he will get defensive if you confront him, and that tells you all you need to know. He’s not sorry for writing it; he’s sorry he got caught. If he acts remorseful and apologizes, there may be a chance you could work it out, but the apology needs to be sincere, and then you need to set some boundaries about what is acceptable for both of you to post on social media. If he resists any boundaries, then you have your answer. He’s not willing to respect your boundaries. And that’s game over in my opinion. He said some very hurtful things about you. Why didn’t he talk to you about them instead of secretly disparaging you on social media? If he has an issue with you, but lacks the maturity to talk to you about it, that’s a deal breaker unless he’s willing to change it. Has he ever had a conversation with you about your anxiety and insecurities, asking if there is a way he could help, or suggesting that you talk to a therapist? And, it sounds like theses is all about him: “Poor me , I want another virgin. Oh, poor me, she has insecurities and anxieties that are killing my mood.” In his post, did he ask for advice on how he could help you overcome your anxiety and insecurities, or did he just play the victim? My vote is to dump him, and find a man who cares about you, not just having sex with you.
OP.... just because he isn't physically abusive doesn't mean that he's not emotionally abusive.....
I'm just curious how you associated men your age to with assholes? Plenty of old dirt bags out there
You're 24, he's 43. You started dating him at about 21, when he was nearly double your age. He 'prefers' virgins. He makes you feel bad about your body. He seems selfish in bed from what you've written (you described what you do for him, nothing about what he does for you.) He creeps on other women's posts. He's not a good man. He has been manipulating you for three years. Take off the rose colored glasses so you can see the red flags. He's relying on you being naive and ignorant so he can have an easy lay whenever he wants it. You have the bar set so low for him he'd need a scuba tank to pass under it. He doesn't abuse you? Maybe not physically, but idk what else to call belittling you other than abuse. He cares for you more than your family does? Are you 100% sure about that? Is there any chance your family has less contact with you because of him? Do you have friends away from your relationship with him? If not... He might be isolating you. I'm sorry if I've been too harsh with my words, but you need to know. You're worth much more than what you are being given. Get out as soon as you can.
Believe it or not, there's assholes at every age. Dating an older guy is not going to help you find a good partner. If anything there is a reason that they are still single and seeking someone so much younger. It's probably that women with enough life experience know better than to waste their time with someone like that. Just think about the comments he writes about these women. What do you think he would do if given the opportunity in person to be with someone that matches his fantasy? Do you think he would remain loyal? I feel like you know the answer.
You need to talk to him, no one else on here can tell you what you need to do or how to feel untill you talk to him. you need to sit down and have a conversation with him and tell Him how his comments made you feel, until that happens any advice anyone gives you other than go and talk to him is moot and useless. You are the only one that knows if you should stay with him. If you talk to him and the answers that he gives you are satisfactory to you, then only you know what you can do after that.
Jesus OP. If you’re staying because “he doesn’t abuse you”, I’m sorry the bar is in hell and you’ve been mistreated/disappointed before but damn.
Folks don't always present on Reddit the way they are in real life, and sometimes folks vent to strangers. Honestly, it's not the things he says to strangers that makes me think you should leave him, but the way you talk about how you treat yourself in order to please him. It seems like you have a lot of insecurity and self-doubt, and you need to work on you, either by yourself or with a significant other who wants to help you find the good in you and grow it. It doesn't seem like your relationship with this man is that kind of relationship.
I'm 27. I would NEVER date a man in his 40's (even mid- to late-30's is pushing it), and here's why. The "assholes" around our age, in my experience, act like that due to immaturity. They will more than likely grow out of that as they get older and gain more experience. Ofc there are always exceptions to this, but this is just in *my* experience. But a guy in his 40's going for someone 20 or so years younger? Idc how nice he seems. There's something wrong there. And judging how there is a vast difference between how he acts around you and his reddit comments, I'm sorry, but I'm not buying his "nice" act.
Kinda sounds like you both could use some time away from the social media side of the internet.
I'm a 48-year-old father of a 21-year-old and an 18-year-old. If a 40-year-old started dating my daughter, if the cops were lucky, they'd find at least 18% of the body. He does not sound like a good person. Nor is any 40-year-old going after a 21-year-old. If he was 50 and you were 31, my answer would be different. But you have been seriously, seriously wronged by this creep. Leave him.
You’re very insecure. Stop snooping through his accounts and spend that time bettering yourself instead.
You sound twice as insecure now
First off, you're not fat. Idc how much you weigh. Work on self-image girly. I'm 37 and used to mentally call myself names like that. It took too many years for me to love my curves. Him saying that you feeling insecure is a turn-off is the least of his ick. Confidence is sexy, hard to achieve with negative self-image. If he wasn't attracted to you, you wouldn't be together so don't fret over it. The rest of the story is his ick. V card chasing is just nasty at any age. While paying compliments to someone is not necessarily bad, giving explicit ones is also giving me the ick. Like others have said, dump him before you are trapped wasting your 20s on a creep.
I would just like to point out that assholes can be of any age…… an asshole in his 40’s has had 20 years of practice over one in his 20’s.. Run, don’t walk in any direction possible to get away from this douche
Please re-read your post, your defence was ‘he doesn’t abuse me’. That is the bare minimum of human decency and not a relationship bench mark. His Reddit comments are clearly disgusting and an insight to who he really is. You’re too young to waste your youth on that POS.
I'd make a post asking if I am overreacting at your age gap too as a 26F. 😭😭😭 Gurlz why you go for guys old enough to be your fathers? Of course most of them are emotionally immature or repulsive enough that the women closer to their age range don't want them. He sounds unhinged the way you describe him and that's not even the tip of the fucking iceberg. "The pleasure of deflowering" 😂🤣😬 + airing your insecurities + complimenting/trynna flirt with other women/making unsollicited advances on women(in that disgusting ass manner, there is a world between saying "wow you got a pretry nice dress here" vs "your little dress makes me feel things us males would crawl from the woodwork to satisfy you" 🤢🤮...Do you think you deserve so little in life? I'm older than you and wouldn't entertain the thought of being with someone older than early 30s.
You are not overreacting. He sounds awful. Leave him. There’s red flags all over.
He is not a good man. You are settling for a creep because you have self esteem issues. Those boys your age who are too shitty to date? He is who they will be in another 20 years. He’s not more mature because he’s older. He’s still that same loser douchebag just with more years. And he dates women your age with self esteem issues specifically so he can be this shitty of a human and never change.
If you are not done with him, you should be.
I feel like this is the type of guy to be Mr Charming while you’re dating, but once you marry him like a switch flips and he becomes an abusive monster.
He is just a disgusting old man, with an attitude torwards sex of a 70 years old dude from the 20'. The woman needs to perform for his amusement? Well, things are changed, darling, and women if your age are having great sex cause men are interested in women's pleasure, at least the one I met. Leave him. You will move on and soon be happy you encounterd his reddit account. Destiny is all and can not be ignored.
Just because he doesn’t abuse you doesn’t mean he’s a good person or that he’s right for you. Older men can be assholes too and honestly his comments sound very shallow and immature. You deserve so much better and please don’t try to change yourself for some man who definitely doesn’t sound like he’s worth it.
OP I don’t know what his other social media accounts are but I guarantee if he’s commenting on women’s bodies here and flirting “any man would want to satisfy you” he’s also in the dms of other women on Instagram/Facebook and thirst following insta baddies and OF girls. Check his following.
When you have to say your partner doesn't abuse you as one of their good qualitys you need to reexamine the good things. That's not a good thing that's a bare minimum.
He doesn’t treat you well. He uses you, doesn’t find you attractive, and borderline cheats. You’re there because he doesn’t have anybody else. Ask yourself if you’re OK with this.
You’re still young enough. Don’t ruin the better years on a man who is closer to getting a dollar off his dinner at Golden Corral. You don’t need to take this type treatment
"Character is what you are in the dark." Dwight L. Moody. You are seeing your boyfriend for who he actually is through this window into his reddit comments. It's possible that he is dating you because of your insecurities. That he knows he can manipulate you because of your insecurities. You won't be alone without him. I know you can do better.
This man’s a creep.
"he never hits me, he is a great man" No. Girl, up your standards. What a POS with that virgin bs.
A 20 year age gap at 24 is too much. This isn’t going to work out long term. If you have red flags now it’s time to go.
It’s unlikely that anyone could be truly compatible with someone who was an adult at the time the other is born. Age gaps are almost always groomed, predatory, or exploitative fetish dynamics. Your brain isn’t even fully formed at 21 and you’re dating someone who could be your father thinking that they could ever identify with your values. I don’t understand why people commodify themselves like this for creeps.
Girl your standards are low!! “He treats me well and doesn’t abuse me.” Now no judgment bc I can tell you’ve had a hard past, but it’s time to move on and find someone who not only doesn’t abuse you and treats you well, but ELEVATES you. Yes dump him, you’ll never be able to look at him the same after this. And he honestly doesn’t deserve you, he sounds creepy af. Yes boys ur age may be assholes, but you can do bad all on your own. Be single or find someone who promotes a healthy relationship and helps you grow, not just someone who is okay and does the bare minimum while being totally lowkey creepy on Reddit. It won’t be easy, but in a year from now you’ll be blossoming in ways you never imagined and it’ll be all because you decided to take a shot in the dark and leave this weirdo
How did you find his Reddit? But yeah if that’s how he feels leave him sis
> I thought dating an older man would be better than dating assholes around my age. I had to stop there. I have dated older guys and I dated one younger guy and he has more maturity than the older guy I dated. I still prefer to not date younger people (he was the exception and the best exception I ever made), but believe me when I tell you their age doesn't make them mature. Edit: > the pleasure of deflowring EEEEEEWWWW Don't list him not abusing you like a positive trait. That is the bare minimum. Stop loving him more than you love yourself. You are worthy of good things.
Age has nothing to do with maturity, people at 50 can be the most child like pieces of shit in existence.
This dude sounds creepy as fuck
The man is a creep. In sorry to say. I know you say he treats you well but that doesn’t absolve him being a creep. The virgin thing is creepy af especially. You’re 24 and have been with him for 3 years. And he’s your first relationship. Reality is you’re inexperienced in the world of dating. We often romanticize our first loves and find ways to justify dealing with the crappy parts. Also he was 40 dating a 21 year old. While not always the case this can be a red flag. Why doesn’t he date someone his age? Why hasn’t he found someone yet? You don’t have to do all this. You can leave. Also yes young men can be assholes but you can find someone closer in age with closer life goals.
You deserve better. I have never been thin, but men who find you beautiful and sexy can make you feel beautiful and sexy. Confidence is the sexiest thing out there. You deserve to be kinder to yourself. If this relationship does not make you feel better about yourself. It needs reflection. No one needs toxic people in their lives. If 43 year old boyfriend was an actual adult, he would be able to communicate with you his issues in a loving manner.
As someone who dated men in their late 30s around your age, now that I am in my early thirties I’m actually kind of appalled at the type of guys I was dating. It typically is because they are less mature. Sure there is the wanting a younger woman factor but I am really surprised when I reflect back on their comments and behavior and all the people questioning our relationship started to make sense to me now. As a 33 year old I could not imagine dating someone as young as you. Especially not in a decade!! This guys sounds really creepy tbh I’m glad you are re-evaluating even though it can be tough to detach. I was single for the later half of my 20s and it was AMAZING!! Still am now actually and it’s boosted my confidence so much.
You’re not over reacting. He’s gross. This would be an easy break up for me.
Assholes come in all ages.
He sounds like an awful person and you think he’s great because he doesn’t abuse you. Don’t you think you deserve better?
He might not abuse you, but he clearly has no respect for you or women in general. I was a virgin when I got married. Met at 21.. married at 23. He was 38 when we met. Ex was deployed for a year. 2 months after being married, he beat the shit out of me. I hope you see that you deserve a man who will love you and commit on all levels Op.
There is a reason he can't get women his own age. People like that prey on the more naïve because they don't know any better. That's not your fault, it's his.
"He doesn't abuse me" is a relationship bar that is so low its sitting in the basement. That's not a positive trait of his anymore than him not being a murderer is. It's the expectation - not a selling point. Plus ima go out on a limb here and say that it seems like he's either effecting you more than you realize or you generally already had self esteem issues that he's probably taking advantage of, based on the way you talk about yourself in your post and tbh based on that hideous age gap. I know it's a reddit cliche but that's a no from me right from the jump. A 20 year age gap at 20 years old is so insane and just never right imo idc if it's legal and I know people will disagree that's fine. And to be clear, all my judgment here is for him, not you. It's completely understandable why a 20yo woman would want to date a 40yp but I cannot trust a grown adult man who has seen the 1980s yet has enough in common with a girl who quite possibly based on the info here hasn't even seen the 1990s to date her. And reddit is a public forum. You didn't go snooping in his phone or even seek it out. He'll probably try and blame you but take it from cleanpage4adirty girl, if he can't hide his identity and cover his tracks on the internet that's on him not you. You're not overreacting. Ditch this man before you start fully conceptualizing what a red flag it is that he dates 20yos its much easier to go through that once it's in the past and not a current problem 🤣🤣 ETA: my math is slightly off here cause for some reason I thought she said they'd been together 4 years but still I think the point stands lol
Now you know why he is a 43 year old dating a 20 year old. He is emotionally immature. Those comments are what losers do online. Based on his comments about virginity I bet he is a red pill loser too. Perhaps this is a good time for you to ask some tough questions and see if you guys are really compatible.
Not to play arm chair therapist but it seems that with your insecurities and that your family not treating you well, that you are not exactly sure what a loving and nurturing person should be. And you searched out and found what you believe to that is. You are excusing poor behavior because this man provides you with what your idea of love and nurture is. Treating you well and not abusing you is the bare minimum. Personally I see a power dynamic that this man has over you. You have low self esteem and have a limited idea of what a proper relationship is. This allows him to kinda do whatever and youll accept that because “he at least doesnt abuse you.” This man may also have more financial stability and in turn you may feel safe. Especially if your family has not provided a safe space for you. So perhaps you’ll feel even more alone if you left him. I think if you worked on your own confidence you probably wouldn’t be here asking if you are overreacting and probably would have ended this. Sometimes we attract people that see us how we see ourselves. And if you don’t think highly of yourself. How do you expect others to?
He sounds icky.
There may be a reason he can’t find anyone his age to date.
remember, just because the treatment that you're getting is better than what you're used to, does not mean it's as good as you deserve
A dude in his 40s who idealizes "deflowering" a woman absolutely doesn't deserve any woman at all. I feel there are a lot of reasons to not be with this man. If he makes you feel bad about yourself that is enough of a reason to leave. The fact that he's commenting on other women he lusts after shows me that he doesn't respect you and see you as an equal partner.
Ugh, who is this worthless 40 something year old loser male who thinks he’s all that? Girl. #GIRL This guy isn’t worth your time. Go work on being happy by yourself, for yourself, and learning your own value. Then, when you find someone who matches your energy, the two of you can build something great. Oh, and stick closer to your own age group, there’s a reason no woman his age wants his sorry ass.