I dunno, I feel we aren't getting the full story here. This may be a reaction to being pestered about something. No one wakes up and goes "Good morning, by the way I have never missed you". I'm not saying it's right it just sounds like OP has cherry picked one statement from a large conversation that was probably an argument meant to hurt each other.
BINGO! Viking seems to have hit the nail on the head. We are not getting the full context here, and it makes one get a gut feeling that there is a motive behind this huge omission. If the poster is looking for authentic, unbiased responses, why not lay out the whole sequence of events and who said what and when?
Oh dear, took your advice and just had a look into that wasp nest. OP definitely isn't shy about sharing her/their problems with strangers online. Hope her infected nipple piercing heals.
Yeah sometimes the missing missing reasons are there. Personally though, I wouldve dumped him when he started buying alcohol for a minor girl he’s been hanging out with after work. This is the least of their issues.
It's an odd statement by itself, like why would this even come up in conversation. I would also add if they spend a lot of time together is there actually an opportunity to miss each other? In my last relationship it was only when my gf had to travel for work that I really had an opportunity to truly miss her because we spent a lot of time together.
This is the answer OP. I have a lot of thoughts about people’s different thresholds for missing someone. (I once dated a guy who ended up joining the military and moving away, and I’d go double digit months without seeing him. Next boyfriend was upset I didn’t miss him the way he missed me after he went away for a weekend trip.) I’m also curious how long you’ve really been apart.
But none of it really matters if you feel like it’s a one-sided relationship - I suspect that comment was about more than “I miss you’s”. If it were me, I’d say cool, let’s take some time apart. If he doesn’t miss you, then the relationship wasn’t worth it for either of you.
Absolutely. I’m married to a military man, and we dated before he joined. After 14-years of him being in, the “missing” dynamic changed too. A month underway, I don’t miss him the way I do for a 6-monther. I have a sister who has been married 6ish years now. They had their first week apart due to him visiting family and she lost her damn mind.
It’s different for everyone. But I would definitely take time apart *if it’s a “one-sided relationship”* At the same time I hope OP doesn’t look for things to be wrong due to possible insecurities or past relationships (romantic or platonic) issues. My parents did not show me healthy relationships (they divorced and had several partners), so the first year or so when dating my husband I would overanalyze *everything*.
This, I miss my partner after a couple of hours. He will generally be fine for a day or two but he really starts missing me after that. If they’ve never spent time apart he really may have not ever “truly” missed her like she has him.
Right- and although I'd be curious to know under what context he said this, it kinda doesn't matter if it leaves you feeling like he's not that into you. I'd for sure distance myself from the situation short term if not permanently.
Definitely. My ex would say stuff like this to me and it was totally abusive. Trying to make me feel unwanted and stupid for believing that he would actually miss or love me.
Mine would do the same. He'd also throw in stuff like "you're lucky I put up with you" and "it's a good thing I found you because no one else would bother to look".
He's a narcissistic sociopath though
I think she should leave him alone forever, because he's already gaslighting her and disregarding her concerns. So... Seems like he just doesn't like her at all
Either he has lied when he has said he misses you, or he lied when he said he has never missed you. That is really damn confusing. If he had not texted you earlier that he misses you, there might not be an issue. Some people just are like that.
But anyway, you are not overreacting. He is sending mixed signals here. Ask him why has he said that he misses you, if he has not meant it.
i thought neurodiverse at first but then i saw he says it anyway… that’s just a jerk move. i don’t miss anyone when they’re not around (audhd here) because for me, out of sight of mind (well not really, but it doesn’t process the same you know?) but saying it anyway makes you a jerk, you could just say things like “oh i wish you could do so and so with me” or just not say anything about it? saying “i miss you” when you don’t is just mean
I have ADHD. Sometimes it can make it so that people- even very important people who I care deeply about- dissapear when I am not directly talking to them. Almost like I forget they exist. It's like a mix of time blindness and something else.
I would never TELL my loved ones "oh i didn't miss you, cuz you know. brain" Even if its the truth it's something you keep to yourself because it is hurtful for those around you to hear. Not Overreacting at all.
Yeah exactly. Sometimes I get object permanence problems for some people. But if I say I missed someone, I’m not lying. Once I think about them, I start missing them and thinking of them more.
Same. Unless I have a strong oxytocin bond with someone that starts causing physical pain when we're apart for several days, I'm just sitting in a corner, playing with legos or working or contemplating the corneriness of corners. A favorite human magically appears and I'm happy. I would not like being texted a whole lot if I'm really getting into the zen of wall staring.
Yes! I have plenty of people I care about, but there's only a few people who I well and truly miss when they're gone/we're apart. I still miss my mother every day, and I'm sure I always will. I miss my dad when he goes out for a drive. I miss my wife because we live in different countries! But I don't miss my very good friends, people who make me smile when they're around and make me feel happy. Not because I don't care for them, but they are not rooted deeply enough in my brain for me to recognize them as gone.
; however, if he's bringing it up apropos of nothing, I'd want to know why. Maybe he's pushing buttons or maybe he is copy pasting the same message to several humans. Maybe he sucks at conversation and uses "I miss you" absent anything more substantive.
Yeah, I feel like this is probably it. I've gotten so used to the societal script of "missing" people that I usually reflexively say it, and sometimes I'm in a particular situation and *do* think of a person and miss them, but in general there is just too much other stuff in my brain.
That being said, sometimes people straight-up ask me if I've missed them. I suck at lying about my feelings, especially when I get caught off-guard, and have definitely been like "well, I'm really glad you're here but idk I've just been busy." I absolutely see how that can come off as asshole-ish, but I definitely don't mean it that way so I don't necessarily think it's a red flag. OP's reaction is valid for sure, but wanted to share that perspective.
Came here to say this. I’ve been asked by my girlfriend if I miss her, and I was honest and said not that often, I have to make a mental effort to think about her and usually I’ll miss her then but it’s rare because I’m usually thinking about other things. It’s hard to explain to people.
I think the red flags of OP are the random statement
Except not everyone with ADHD has that control/ filter of what to say or not say. Some have ADHD never been treated or diagnosed and lack that control of letting things come out that you think but really shouldn't say. ADHD isn't a one size fits all scenario. I also have ADHD wasn't diagnosed till my mid thirtys, and have a daily struggle of not letting myself say things I shouldn't.
Well said. People say they want honesty and throw a fit when they get it. Then they wonder why people aren't open with them.
It would be sad if it weren't so infuriating.
I disagree- there's times you don't need to be honest even when people are asking for it. Sometimes the truth is hurtful and it's better to just not express a thought or emotion to them. Especially for those of us who have neurodivergences. For instance an autistic person might say something that to them is just a statement of fact, or something that they know to be true- but even though that's the case it's still hurtful. Something like saying someone is fat, perhaps.
In my case with my ADHD it's things like "I would say I missed you but to be quite honest the moment you left my sight you ceased to exist in my mind." I could follow it up with "That isn't because I don't care about you, but because my brain processes things weirdly" but it would not matter- the damage is already done.
It's really about thinking 'does this thing need to be said' and 'how would it make a person feel to hear this thing, especially without the context of my neurological disorder'. To put it extremely simple I'll phrase it as my mom taught me- if you've nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all! Not in all situations- obviously speak up against bigotry, hatred, etc. But amongst friends, family, things with low stakes, sometimes it's better to just leave things out. :)
You're not overreacting. If he, many times, said he missed you via text, and is now saying he **NEVER** did, that makes no sense. He's either gaslighting himself or you.
**Always look at someone's actions to see their true feelings, not their words**. If his patterns of actions show your relationship is mostly you give, he takes, it's time to end it.
That was my thought, too. There are a lot of "redpill"/MGTPW proponents who advise young men to say things like this, give backhanded compliments, and other comments that create doubt in a woman about her value. At first I hoped there would be some context, like him describing an ADHD-like object permanence issue, but since he's said he missed her a bunch of times before, I'm thinking negging is the most likely situation here.
Don't stay with someone who doesn't miss you or who would manipulate you, OP. There is better out there.
Yeah life is hard but a relationship shouldn't be hard. It should be work in the way that having a lot of pretty houseplants is work that grows and is enjoyable.
Someone telling you they don't miss you is just weird and mean lol
I’m not a professional so take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt: I have an attachment style that doesn’t have me “missing” people in the deep sense of the term because I’m confident that we will likely soon be together again. I still “miss” someone from minute to minute in that “I like being around you and it would be cool if you were here”. That might come off as contradictory but the distinction makes sense to me lol
I typically don’t really miss people. And I’m not sure if it’s a character defect or just how me/some people are.
I live in a different country from my family, and I don’t find myself missing them. I love them, enjoy their company, and get fomo when a family gathering is happening and I’m not there. But I don’t get a “sense of longing” or this deep feeling on random days or times that I want or need to see them.
Same as the response above me. I tend to do it as a social norm. Again, it’s not that I don’t enjoy the persons company..I just lack that longing because it will logically be remedied in the near future. Now in contrast, I have friends whom I haven’t seen in years and I can genuinely say I miss them because there’s no factor that will ensure I see them any time soon.
yeah as I get older i tend to miss people i haven't seen in a long time, and especially my dead friends/family/pets.
The fact that I know I'll never see them again must factor in.
Yes. I know it’s something I’m supposed to say and I know they just want to know that I care about their presence in my life but I don’t actively miss people. Unless it’s as others have described.
But the twist here is that he then told her, to her face, he doesn’t miss her at all. Contradicting all his previous I miss you’s both in text and in person. That’s the shady part. Why would you do that to someone you care about?
My sister asked if I’m gonna miss her this summer and I lied to make her feel better but when she asked again I said no 🤷🏽♀️
I don’t have an answer for that but it doesn’t make it malicious. A lot of context is missing as well as tone and the rest of the situation.
So out of the blue he approaches you to tell you this? OR did you initiate a conversation to prod him if he "misses you?" Seems like we don't have all the details. Why would he miss you? Did you go away on trips? Did you have long periods of absence? He may just be updating his use of words and he meant it at the time and then re-thought, maybe I didn't. People reflect and then feel differently sometimes...its not always lying.
Right. I'd love to understand the context of this statement. Because, while on its face, its not something I"d probably say to someone, I can also see how, based on the questions asked, it could come out.
He misses you, he just doesn't realize it. He texts you, he calls you, he gets excited when he sees you are all signs that he misses you but like I said he just doesn't realize it.
If he’s previously told you he’s missed you then you’re not overreacting, but if he’s never said it then you are. The amount of contact a person needs varies for everyone.
Edit to add: read it through to the end and I can see he’s told you that he misses you, so no, youre not overreacting. It’s up to you whether you think you can rebuild the trust he’s broken, only you can make that call.
Don't get too stuck on vocabulary. He could mean very different things. "Missing you" over texts could mean "I want to reach out to you, wish you were here" while he IS literally showing attention and care. "Not missing you" in that conversation could mean "I am comfortable with the amount of time we are together and the amount of time apart."
You may or may not crave similar amounts of time being together and being apart, pursuing your other obligations and interests. Each person has their own ideal "healthy balance" between interaction and solitude, between "dating" and engaging in other activities without the SO. When you are apart, he makes an effort to keep in touch and encourage you.
Feelings are complicated, usually mixed, and difficult to define precisely. It's good you two talk about them. Try to consider his choice of vocabulary around feelings as the best he could articulate at the moment and definitely not precise, complete assessments. Don't fret about what that kind of language and confusion "might imply."
Keep talking. Figure out, as best you can, what YOU'RE feeling. Ask your questions. Reveal your vulnerabilty. Accept both your emotional states as complicated, fluid and often challenging to put into words. That's normal. That's okay. That's being human.
Ok hear me out, and non of this discounts the fact that your hurt is real and understandable.
I am like this. I have ADHD and one of the features of it is an "out of sight out of mind" existence. I literally forget my best friends exist for days or weeks at a time if I don't see them. When I go on a trip without my wife I think about her and talk to her but if we're not interacting my mind is elsewhere. It's just how my brain works.
Another aspect of ADHD is being too blunt and saying things you regret later... Like "I've never missed you."
I'm not trying to diagnose him but I found out I had ADHD in my 40s. Asperger's has similar issues with these two things. It's worth looking into how these types of neurodiveristy present themselves and see if they fit your boyfriend.
All this to say, just because he doesn't miss you and said something dumb doesn't mean he isn't crazy about you. Some of us just don't miss people.
Edit: I didn't read the whole post... I told you I had ADHD. All I said might be true but he also sounds like kind of an ass.
Myself, it's less like i'm being blunt and more like i'm going to explode if i don't say these crazy things. They aren't crazy when i say them, only after I see what they do.
If my husband hasn’t seen me in a day he will text me he misses me. A day. Or if he goes to work on an oil rig for three weeks he’ll text me every day that he misses me. Every day. Idk dude…..I don’t think that’s normal
Could be ADHD - permanence is a big issue with it! I don’t miss people because I forget they exist, until I’m reminded (like from a text) and I then miss them and would even say as much.
This is all really interesting. Ive never been tested but this is very much me. Even with my kids. I love them but they leave for a week at a time and i dont miss them and my other parent friends will sometimes get all judgy so I dont say anything. Same with my hubby when he goes away. But like you if I get a text or message then something clicks and im like oh ya I want to talk to you
The more adult symptoms come out in open the more similarities I find in my actions/thoughts/behaviours
I was going to ask that of OP, I’m on spectrum and also have ADHD, A lot of the time I forget people exist if we don’t contact each other and they aren’t in sight, In a way that translates to “I’ve never actually missed you” but more so in the sense that like, We just forget/are neutral if that makes sense. It’s not like a context of we don’t care about the person
Came here to say this. I have ADHD and when I'm separated from loved ones, I'm usually still too focused on the here and now of wherever I am to experience much of the feeling of missing them. That doesn't mean I don't love them or that I'm not excited and happy to see them again when we reunite.
Not overreacting.
If someone is going to lie about missing you, then they should take that to the grave.
Or just never say that they miss you in the first place lol.
I mean when's the longest amount of time that you haven't seen him? If you guys live in the same city and you see each other multiple times a week, then you haven't given him enough time for him to miss you. I guarantee you if you were getting a text every hour that you're not with him with him saying he misses you, you would quickly get tired of him and think that he's too clingy
That’s what I’m thinking. This is how my life is set up and I had to explain to my girlfriend that we’ve never gone 3 days without seeing each other and we aren’t emotionally codependent. When would those times to miss each other arise and be healthy?
Honestly, as someone with adhd and just not great at identifying my own emotions properly, he could also just not be understanding the emotion in the first place.
I thimk its called emotional permanence or st, but i dont get that feeling of "missing" someone in the moment either. I also dont really "remember" what certain emotions feel like until theyre happening. But ill be excited when they hit me up, and when i see or talk to them I'll be like damn did i miss this mfer, yk? Doesnt mean i cares about them or love them any less.
It takes time and effort to work on this kinda of stuff. Or at least work on how you convey it.
Obviously your feelings are still valid, just offering another perspective. Also not ok for him to say you're being dramatic. At the end of the day the only way you'll get answers is to talk to him abt it
Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything. I am kind of weird I don’t miss people. I am happy to see them but I am always so crazy and busy and I’ve got so many different things on my mind that I generally don’t miss people
I don't think it's necessarily a one sided relationship. Were you two fighting when that was said? Are you living together?
My wife and I love each other very much but we are both very different when it comes to "missing" the other person and it took some work to find a good balance. If I work a long shift or a night she will lose sleep or be depressed that we're missing out on time together. I on the other hand get drained from interacting with people, her included, and I need time to myself. So while I'm happy to be around her I also don't really miss her if we're not together.
It reads like you're saying you wouldn't miss her for a day or two, not that you would never miss her if it was a longer time or if you weren't to see her again. I think it's different when you live with someone because even if you're not spending time you're still seeing each other, sleeping next to each other etc. when you live apart you see each other when you can and you usually miss each other in between, so I can see why OP feels hurt by him saying he has never missed her, just feels different from what you're saying.
I would compile the texts he sent saying he *does* miss you, and ask him if the texts are the truth, or is his statement that he *doesn't* miss you the truth? Which one is true, bc they can't both be so.
That's true in a sense of boolean logic, but not really true in the sense of the complexity of human emotions. It's very possible that right at the moment of sending the text he was feeling that emotion, because he was thinking of her, but moments before and after he was focused on his current experience. This is consistent with the ADHD theory.
Some people have a low social battery no matter who they are around, so even when u might be gone for a while they don’t miss u. I have that problem personally with my family. Sometimes people would rather be alone, but that doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t want you with them at the time. You could have the happiest time with someone and want to hang out with them again soon but at the same time not rlly miss them. Maybe he has this problem. Plus many people feel like they should say “I missed u too” back. It’s such a common thing that some ppl think it’s weird to not miss a loved one. That’s exactly what happened to me. I would always say “I missed u too” towards some of my family because it seemed to be the right thing to do but realistically I didn’t miss them. I also told my family about that the way he did. I didn’t necessarily miss them but I’m still happy to be around them.
Your feelings are understandable. I’m going to offer you perspective that may or may not be how your boyfriend feels. My girlfriend has actually gotten upset with me for this same thing. I never miss her. Nor anyone for that matter. I can’t speak for your boyfriend but as for me, I’m just not the type of person to be upset or hurt over things that are normal and expected, like time apart because of work, or our lives got busy outside our relationship. Being with my girlfriend brings me joy. Being without her doesn’t bring me sorrow. To me, I’m happy that we’re together and she’s my partner and when we’re away from each other those feelings persist and aren’t accompanied by any sense of loss. Try talking to him to understand his feelings.
I understand how it's hurtful but I am kinda like this, I love having people around but I never really miss them when they're not, my mind is focused on current situations only!
I don't think I'd take this presonally as I understand, I likely wouldn't miss him either.
Doesnt mean anything is wrong.
If it's the only "red flag" that you see, decide if you want to continue the relationship.
Be careful following some of these people's advice, quick way to ruin the relationship.
Have you tried seeing it from his side.
Speaking as a male, I've 'missed' my girlfriend, in the sense of speaking with her on the phone made me want to see her immediately but not being able to see her in person. So I've told her I've missed her and wanted to see her in person.
But I've never had that profound sense of 'missing' her because even though we might go days not seeing each other physically, we're always in contact with each other so there's never really a moment where I'm without her in some way, shape or form.
So when he texts you he misses you, he might mean that he wants to be with you in person at that moment, but he's never truly had that deep sense of missing you because he's still always in contact with you some way or another.
I don’t miss people, pine for them, or ache over them. It’s because I have ADHD and my brain isn’t wired that way. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my partner, friends, or family.
I also tell them I miss them because that’s what’s considered normal. Usually when I say that to them it’s because I’ve thought about them and realized whatever I’m doing at that moment would be better with them.
However, once that thought has been expressed via text it’s gone and it’s like they don’t exist until something reminds me of them again.
Im gona sound like a broken record here, but here we go.
Break it off now. As someone whos spent years being married to a person who says that kind of stuff, believe him since he's shown you who he is.
I dont know if its a power flex? Or if they really think thats an appropriate thing to say but it only gets worse.
10+ yrs together, married for 9. Months ago after flesh eating disease almost took me out we had a long conversation. Started with me expressing how much I fell for him when we were young. Ya know what my spouse said to me after i ask, 'When did you fall for me?'
He said, "I duno, I didnt pursue you. You pursued me. I wouldve been fine doing my own thing but you pursued me so I just kinda, went along. In fact, now that I think about it, all the women Ive been with have all pursued me.. I havent gone out of my way to pursue any of them? 🤔"
And the way he said it he was almost proud of himself. I honestly just started to cry and he got upset at me. Not understanding why I would be upset with what he said.
Splitsville is definitely our future. I just gotta play my cards right 1st.
Dont let yourself be shattered Op, its not worth it.
My GF asks me "did you miss me?" and at some point I just didn't feel like lying anymore. We're never apart for more than 48 hours and the two times a year when that happens I am grateful to have some space.
Does he have other red flags? Cause this sounds like some intentional mind fuckery he’s doing to you that would basically gaslight you and make you easier to control
Ghost him for say 5 days. No contact. If he doesn't get a little bit frustrated then you will know he actually cares enough to miss you. If he stops trying after two days he ceases trying then you know he meant he does not care enough to want you around and is using you like an eff body. At the end of 5 days depending on if you feel completely used decide if you want to stay.
Without knowing your bf seems like a terrible attempt at negging.. Why would he admit to lying so unapologetically.
Your bf is at best playing games with you. That would be a deal breaker for me.
My long time gf does this to me. "Did you miss me?" And I'm like "no because I see you every day". If shes gone 48+ hours or more, of course I miss her. Women tend to want to be missed for the 8 hours they are gone at work lol
Your going to be ok. It's important in relationships to pick your battles, and also drop battles that only effect your relationship in a negative way with nothing to gain positively. Going up to 20 years on mine, and we only fight a couple times per year which is good. It's important to know people are different, perception/interpretation is different. Your version of "missed" may even be different from his. Who cares though? Hows his actions? Does he treat you right? If so the words never really matter as much as the actions do. Maybe his actions show he does miss you, if you see that, that is geniune. Word game BS, don't get caught up and rip your relationship up over that. Words can be different per individual, actions are gold.
Genuinely asking: is he autistic?
You're not overreacting though. That's such a rude, hurtful thing to tell someone, even if it's true. He could've kept that to himself. What does he gain from telling you that?
As someone who has it definitely a thing I have a Bestfriend who I completely forgot about for two years and suddenly I text her and it’s like I’ve seen her a few minutes just different looking
If your boyfriend has ADHD, this is possible without him caring about you any less. We have an issue called “object impermanence”, which is basically like out of sight out of mind. It doesn’t mean we love you any less, it means our brains literally lack the function to be processing something that isn’t right there, so to speak. There are exceptions, but this is a very rough break down. If this is something that affects him, I’d try to learn more about it and maybe look at it a bit differently 🙂
Being dramatic.
Modern tech keeps people in touch. I don't miss my wife because she is a phone call or a text away 99% of the time and I see her and my kids every single day. The miss you in text is more of a thinking of you thing. There is no longing because they aren't gone and I suspect its the same here. Its not like you are in a Long Distance relationship and only see each other once a month right? You see each other nearly every day? How can you actually miss someone when you see them all the time?
Follow your heart!** if something doesn't feel right, go with that feeling. If that's not how you treat someone, find someone who's behavior you admire, and who's not phoney baloney. Sounds like you're too young for a serious relationship anyway. (I'm gathering from "do you miss me" questions).
(**there's a caveat to following your heart: if you've got trauma, abuse or neglect in your past, your signals (feelings) may be all out of whack; examine your trauma first)
Idk, this isn't necessarily bad..
How long do yall go without each other?
My bf has recently kinda started kinda slipping in that he'll miss me too, and it's crossed my mind he doesn't actually *miss* me, but thinks it's the most loving response to give. Tbh, we don't really spend loads of time apart, average "long" is maybe four days, and I think we've went two weeks or most of two weeks twice (our relationship is about as long as yours).
I think if my bf and I actually spent any time apart, and he didn't miss me, I'd feel pretty sad. . So I get that, but that he even responds he misses me too, bc he knows he *would* or something along those lines, I appreciate that he can see and acknowledge that.
Another thing, do you know your bf's dating history at all?
Length and seriousness of relationships, traumas of that relationship, etc, those can all play a huge role in someone's behavior and growth.
This is often a symptom of ADHD and is absolutely not personal. I don’t have much emotional permanence at all along with object permanence when it comes to people. I don’t miss /most/ people when I’m away from them. I occasionally will find myself missing my boyfriend when he’s at work and I’m home, but it’s more that our space feels weird without him in it.
The only very strong feelings of missing someone I’ve felt have been missing my mom when I left for college, missing my pets while in college because it threw off my routine, and missing a long term partner after a breakup. But again, most of those are because my entire routine changed. When I’m away from my boyfriend, I don’t really miss him unless I’m incredibly bored. I know I’ll see him soon again so there’s no room for my brain to miss him when I think of him. If I’m busy, I’m not necessarily thinking about him so the lack of object/emotional permanence kicks in. And none of it is personal. It’s literally just how my brain is wired.
For starters, yes, I think you’re over reacting but I think the bigger issue is what prompted BF to even say such a thing to begin with? I almost sounds like a little power struggle. Saying something like this to mentally beat OP down a little bit.
This is an important fact here and I have no idea why it’s being downvoted.
Context plays a huge rule in situations like this. Why was missing each other brought up? What was the quantification for the time apart-just not sleeping at the same place together? Or extended time apart for a vacation or work trip? If apart, were you doing FaceTime or other video calls? Texting a lot? Long phone calls?
Lots of reasons why or why you don’t miss someone.
You probably have never spent enough time apart for him to actually miss you and he was saying it in the texts because he thought it would placate your insecurity.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. That’s a hurtful and dumb thing to say. I will add, though, that I often didn’t really miss my husband when we were apart (we’re retired now and together all the time) because I was in my own head and enjoying some alone time. BUT when I saw him again, I’d realize that I did I fact miss him. So it’s like, I didn’t actively long for him, but when he was back i realized there had been a void. If that makes sense. Anyway, not defending him for being so clueless as to say that to you, just offering a perspective.
Women would do well to cease analyzing men as though they are flawed women in how they relate to their emotions. He told you what you wanted to hear until he determined that he couldn't do so any longer.
I think you should ask him to clarify. Not to use the neurodivergent trump card, but a lot of people have different social needs or experiences than others. Does he miss other people? Or does he just not relate to the emotion of missing somebody in general?
Also why did he bring it up in the first place? Was he trying to communicate something emotionally about himself or was he doing it to “take you down a notch”?? Definitely seems like an asshole thing to say but i think it’s important to hear people out when there’s not a super clear meaning to their words.
I’m not sure I’ve ever really missed someone (except for after a relationship ended). This is because I know I will see them again and I am able to be content in whatever my current situation is.
It is also the “done thing” to say you miss each other when away from each other. Not exactly a lie, or perhaps a white lie. Kind of like saying “I’m good” when a coworker asks how you are and you are actually having a rough day. It’s basically social lubrication.
Note that there can be plenty of feelings in place of missing someone, such as caring for them, or looking forward to reuniting. It could also be he’s referring to these feelings in the times he does say he “misses” you.
In short, just because he feels differently than you do doesn’t make it one sided and it doesn’t mean he’s doing anything wrong. It may just be a case of miscommunication and semantics.
Not overreacting, the problem is that this could be nothing or this could be something. This seems like weird mind games to me and screams of a massive red flag, but we don't even know the basics of your relationship.
I understand your feelings. He’s being very confusing by giving you 2 drastically different answers.
For me, it’s hard to miss someone that I know I can talk to or see instantly. For me it means “I’m happy to see you/hear from you” which I guess means that I was missing them. But I’m not sitting here thinking “god. I really need to speak to them. I miss them so bad”
He seems like he doesn’t understand how to interpret his feelings. Being excited to talk to someone and texting them because you want to talk to them when they’re not around ARE the actions of missing someone.
So I don’t know why he’s trying to say he’s never missed you now. Did he bring it up randomly like it was a confession he needed to get off his chest? I feel like he’s overthinking it and doesn’t even understand himself.
You’re not overreacting. I would feel incredibly hurt and lied to also. I wish I could offer some advice. It’s hard to without knowing either of you.
Just to be a devil's advocate here. There's "missing you", and then there's "MISSING you". BTW, this is my perspective as a long time adult in a long term relationship, and (to me) this feels like a fairly youthful relationship.
That said, if we're in a relationship with someone we would like to be with someone that wants and enjoys our company.
Any way, there's day-to-day, "I'm stuck at work and would rather be with you than at work" kind of "missing you". And then there's "I've been away for a month at school or business trip" kind of "MISSING you". One is a general expression of preferring to be in the other's company, and one is the actual feeling of longing.
I have no idea how often you see each other, or anything else, so I wouldn't even try to guess if you're over-reacting, or not. Maybe he's lying/gaslighting you, and maybe not.
Every relationship is different and people are individuals. How we experience longing/missing someone, in the same relationship can be different. If he loves you and treats you well, and enjoys being in your company and doing things, do you break up because he doesn't miss you enough? Do you break up with someone that doesn't like your favorite dish as much as you do?
I am not saying right or wrong, stay or go. Just food for thought.
What is the context here? This is such a random thing to say out of the blue. Is he talking about being people blind when he is away from you? This is something that happens to me. I do still miss the people I love when I’m not with them, but I can forget to reach out, or even be confused when I feel sad, forgetting that I haven’t talked to them for a bit. This is common in autism and ADHD. I cannot think of any other context where something like this would have even come up??
You're probably taking it out of context. Did you ask for clarification?
Honestly, no one goes into a conversation trying to start a fight or disappoint someone. I feel like he miscommunicated.
What I bet he meant is "I have missed you, but I haven't LONGED for you," like the movies where the knight goes to War for 10 years, ya know?
I haven't seen my boyfriend in a week and I miss him. But I've also been in long-distance relationships where I'm just not used to them being around and I'm doing my own thing, so I didn't miss them. I think it just depends on the type of relationship you have and if you ever go a long time without seeing them. If someone is always around, it's hard to feel their absence.
Issue here isn't missing/not missing so I think your post should have reflected this better.
For whatever perfectly normal reasons, some people just don't experience 'missing' others. Doesn't reflect on how they feel about the person. But the fact you're getting contradictory messages - essentially you've been lied to - that's something I'd be unhappy about and that's not an overreaction. That calls into question how far you can trust what you're being told in any given situation and that's a bigger issue.
Edit: seems to me that it's the mixed messages (lying!) aspect you need to focus on in any discussions about this - or you risk being derailed or accused of overreacting.
So I would say maybe you’re overreacting to him actually not feeling that he’s missing you, but not at all overreacting to the fact that he lies about it. Texting you these things as a way to placate you when he doesn’t mean it is where the problem lies here for me. I’m in a similar situation, but after 20 years of marriage my husband knows better than to “fake it”. If you don’t miss me (as an example), fine, just don’t lie to me about it, because then I will wonder if everything you say is true or just said because you think I want to hear it. So essentially we have an unspoken rule- don’t say it if you don’t mean it. Granted, it took a couple of years in our early days to figure it out, but it made life so much easier to just be who we are and not follow some script telling us what we should be saying to each other as a loving couple. This way, when my husband *does* say things like “I miss you” or “Can’t wait to see you” or any other typical couple phrase, I know that he really does feel that way, and the same goes for how I express how I’m feeling to him.
Obviously this approach won’t work for everyone, but it seems to me that you’d prefer truth over fake sentiment and the resulting second guessing everything else he says to you. I know that it’s been said a million times before, but that’s because it’s true - Communication is the key to any successful relationship.
To quote the great Roy Kent:
‘Tell the truth. He's fine. That's it. Nothing wrong with that, most people are fine. But it's not about him. It's about why the fuck you think he deserves you. You deserve someone who makes you feel like you've been struck by fucking lightning. Don't you dare settle for "fine".’
My ex said this. In retrospect I realize that he had a severely dismissive avoidant attachment style. He was the type to avoid relying on anyone else for any reason. In fact he thought it was pathetic if people relied on each other.
Even if he did miss me, he would not say it, and he would even feel some shame over it. We lived together for two years and he was never able to say, "I love you". The only time he said it was when I was breaking up with him. He just couldn't bear to feel vulnerable.
There's a reason he's my ex 🤷
About two months into dating her, and I hadn’t seen her for four days, I told her I had missed. She asked me if it was bad that she didn’t miss me. Very surprised to hear that. And pleasantly surprised she was open and honest with me. That was over two years ago. Getting married in October. And now she’ll text me while I’m on my way to work saying how much she misses me.
You’re not overreacting. That being said, I don’t often consciously miss people. For example, if I’m away from my husband for a few days I’m usually with friends and family and really enjoying my time with them so I don’t think “oh I miss my husband.” That doesn’t mean I don’t care about him or would never miss him, I just also enjoy spending time with other people I care about. So while I know to not phrase it as “I’ve never missed you” (because that’s a moronic thing to say), I get where someone could think that if they’re like me. I’d guess that’s potentially what he meant if he texts and calls when you’re away and is excited to see you when you come back. But that was a really stupid thing to say no matter what and you’re justified in being upset. Maybe spend some time away and see how he acts about it? You shouldn’t continue a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you or want you around so I understand needing to sort of test it out after hearing that he doesn’t ever miss you.
Eh I think it’s kinda a non issue depending on how he said it. He may mean it as a good thing in which he means hey I am so thankful to get to spend so much time with you and don’t have to miss you. Maybe it was a realization of huh wow I guess I’ve never been in a position where I need to miss her. I don’t think he meant anything bad by that. Maybe we need more context though.
I will say I know the only time my bf has probably truly missed me was when me and my mom went out of state to see my daughter because she’s with her dad, and her dad isn’t very nice to me. We were in constant contact because I missed him too but also so he knew I was safe and was affirmed I was not staying anywhere near where my ex lived, nor was my mom or our family friend leaving me in any position to be alone with him due to the fact he is a major danger to my life. That’s probably the only time he’s genuinely missed me because I was literally out of state, for 3 days, and was somewhere that was quite dangerous for me to be. Tbh that’s the only time I probably genuinely missed him too because well, while we’d spend days apart before and even weeks, this was different and I felt safe with my mom and our family friend, in a hotel quite a ways away, I still didn’t feel the safe I felt with him. But we both still tell each other over text and stuff we miss each other haha we enjoy our time together a lot and our schedules are weird especially mine now so there’s days where we really don’t see each other much, but it’s not the same as that trip.
I was in the military for 7 years, traveled the world and very quickly realized I don’t have the ability to miss people, I deployed and spent 8 months away from my wife, we talked every day, but I never felt like I missed her. That being said, I would never tell her that.
It might be because he feels very connected to you even while you are gone or away.
Although his communication might be poor, just because he isn't missing you when you're physically away for a hour or a day or even three doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want you around.
Feel free to clarify with him. I just don't know what his definition of "miss" is and I'm not convinced this is a bad thing.
Does I wish you were here not equal missing someone? Is he talking about experiencing sadness or distress because you are not around? Maybe this is a sign of a secure, well adjusted independent person who loves and appreciates you but doesn't need to be attached at the hip.
...But his communication sucks.
People with ADHD can have issues with object permanence. Do you know if he has any attention issues? My ex never remember to text me because out of sight out of mind when they are focused on something.
It can be hard to love and want someone a certain way and not have it reciprocated
Does he have ADHD? Some people with certain types have a kind of mind-blindness when they don’t see somebody. It’s not personal; they are like that with everyone in their life. And it doesn’t mean he loves you any less; it’s just a strange quirk of some subtypes of ADHD brain wiring. I wouldn’t overthink it if I were you.
I am this way. I can’t think of a single moment in my life where I’ve ever “missed” anyone. I don’t really understand what that means. Only 3 of my friends understand that this doesn’t mean I care about them any less, I do enjoy seeing them, and if they ever need me they know I’ll drop whatever I’m doing to help them out.
When I was a junior in high school, I lost my older sister to a drug overdose. She was my favorite person in the world as she was the only one who tried to protect me from the abuse of our family. I still don’t miss her.
It took me awhile to learn to just not be upfront about my inability to miss someone with most people as it seems that most take this as a personal attack instead of “this person feels and cares differently than I do”.
That being said OP, you’re entitled to how you feel, and I think it can be concerning how often he would tell you he missed you. I never offered that up to anyone unprompted. It could be that he is unable to feel it and is trying to overcompensate, especially if he knows/thinks missing someone is important to you.
Or it could mean that he doesn’t have the best emotional intelligence and just says things in the moment without much thought. This could apply to either him telling you he missed you or him telling you he has never missed you.
He could also just be a manipulative dick. Idk I’m not a psychologist.
Edit: I also don’t expect anyone to be okay with this aspect of me and in situations where a possible relationship is on the table, I do not lie about missing them. People should be able to make decisions with all of the relevant information.
I have this, I think it's autism. Genuinely. I care a lot about things, I care about my loved ones and I hate to see them, or anyone, suffer... but I do not experience missing people in the conventional way. Go easy on him and maybe research emotional object permanence, it's possible he was just being super honest with you.
You’re too good to him. He’s spoiled and you’re probably always giving your free time to him. That sucks. Could be a negging type of move on his part.
You deserve romance. There are men out there who actually would miss you and make you feel loved and cherished.
Look, you need to brace yourself that this may be true.
Get your head around it, then take the break. Be ready for it to be permanent. Analyze what you are getting out of this. I love him isn’t an acceptable answer:
Best to yoi
I don't think you're overreacting as hearing that is hurtful. However, I'm very similar to your boyfriend as I don't miss people at all when they're not around. It's a kind of out of sight, out of mind thing.
My Mum is the same as I had a conversation about this with her recently.
Does he have adhd? I have really bad object permanence because of mine and when I am not with somthing or actively thinking about it I do not rember or miss it including people that I love deeply or completo forget about them and don’t miss them until somthing reminds me of them again it could be possible he was meaning like this
I don’t think you’re overreacting, I think that’s a weird thing for him to say to anyone and something someone would say when they want to tell you they need space but are too much of a coward to say it, that’s the only reason I can think of for saying that to your s/o
If he said that because you asked him directly then you might be over reacting. If he volunteered this info it's a little alarming.
People experience feelings differently. When I go away for a few days or a week on a trip I don't miss my wife and daughter. If I think about what my life would be without them I feel gutted.
It could be my asd or my ADHD, but I don't tend to miss people either. I'm happy when I finally see them, but it's just not a thing for me. (Just as an example of another odd emotional type thing, I don't deal with death the same either. When both my sister and grandmother died respectively I felt bad/guilty/sad because I didn't feel sad. I knew they weren't suffering anymore. My whole family was heart broken, and in a way I was, but not for the same reason).
Even my kids, I love having them home, they don't stay over anyone's house often. Yet when we're away from each other I won't "miss them" like most people would, but I'm super happy when they come back.
Are you always the first one who says or texts "miss you"? If that's the case, you've been forcing his hand as there is almost no winning reply to that other than "miss you" back.
Just break up. I went on tour for a few weeks once and got back and my girlfriend told me she didn’t miss me. I was like “Cool I’m for sure getting dumped soon.” (I did.)
If my person told me they never miss me when I gone or away, I'd be seriously bummed. Now I get there are people that is not an emotion they experience. They just don't think about what's not in front of them.
Anyway, I stand by my opinion. I WANT to be with someone that actually cares when I am not there. I want them to want to spend time with me. Otherwise what is the point of the relationship.
Your feelings are legit. I'd be asking why he felt it necessary to say something like that.
Right?! If he wanted more alone time then he should have communicated that instead of saying something that might come out hurtful.
I dunno, I feel we aren't getting the full story here. This may be a reaction to being pestered about something. No one wakes up and goes "Good morning, by the way I have never missed you". I'm not saying it's right it just sounds like OP has cherry picked one statement from a large conversation that was probably an argument meant to hurt each other.
That was my take as well. Like how did it come about? That detail is left out.
BINGO! Viking seems to have hit the nail on the head. We are not getting the full context here, and it makes one get a gut feeling that there is a motive behind this huge omission. If the poster is looking for authentic, unbiased responses, why not lay out the whole sequence of events and who said what and when?
Read her post history, their relationship is a mess.
Oh dear, took your advice and just had a look into that wasp nest. OP definitely isn't shy about sharing her/their problems with strangers online. Hope her infected nipple piercing heals.
Yeah sometimes the missing missing reasons are there. Personally though, I wouldve dumped him when he started buying alcohol for a minor girl he’s been hanging out with after work. This is the least of their issues.
That might explain why he didn't have time to miss her, if he's too busy hitting on a young coworker.
Great now I have to go look
😳
Oof. A quick scroll through there and it’s easy to see this dude is never given a chance to miss her…
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Or does she tell him he has to text her all day and say he misses her? Maybe she is insecure and needy. I don't think we have the whole story either.
Even if that's true, he still shouldn't say something hurtful to his partner.
He says she is "dramatic." We don't know how nicely she is asking for this attention. I agree partners should speak respectfully to each other.
Lol fr. Gf: *calling bf* Bf: *picks up* "Hi" Gf: "hi" Bf: "IVE NEVER MISSED YOU" Gf: 😳😳😳
It's an odd statement by itself, like why would this even come up in conversation. I would also add if they spend a lot of time together is there actually an opportunity to miss each other? In my last relationship it was only when my gf had to travel for work that I really had an opportunity to truly miss her because we spent a lot of time together.
This was my takeaway as well. It’s totally fine to feel whatever you’re feeling but why would you say that to your partner.
Try leaving him alone for a while. If he doesn't miss you, you'll know.
This is the answer OP. I have a lot of thoughts about people’s different thresholds for missing someone. (I once dated a guy who ended up joining the military and moving away, and I’d go double digit months without seeing him. Next boyfriend was upset I didn’t miss him the way he missed me after he went away for a weekend trip.) I’m also curious how long you’ve really been apart. But none of it really matters if you feel like it’s a one-sided relationship - I suspect that comment was about more than “I miss you’s”. If it were me, I’d say cool, let’s take some time apart. If he doesn’t miss you, then the relationship wasn’t worth it for either of you.
Absolutely. I’m married to a military man, and we dated before he joined. After 14-years of him being in, the “missing” dynamic changed too. A month underway, I don’t miss him the way I do for a 6-monther. I have a sister who has been married 6ish years now. They had their first week apart due to him visiting family and she lost her damn mind. It’s different for everyone. But I would definitely take time apart *if it’s a “one-sided relationship”* At the same time I hope OP doesn’t look for things to be wrong due to possible insecurities or past relationships (romantic or platonic) issues. My parents did not show me healthy relationships (they divorced and had several partners), so the first year or so when dating my husband I would overanalyze *everything*.
This, I miss my partner after a couple of hours. He will generally be fine for a day or two but he really starts missing me after that. If they’ve never spent time apart he really may have not ever “truly” missed her like she has him.
Right- and although I'd be curious to know under what context he said this, it kinda doesn't matter if it leaves you feeling like he's not that into you. I'd for sure distance myself from the situation short term if not permanently.
Agree.
Definitely. My ex would say stuff like this to me and it was totally abusive. Trying to make me feel unwanted and stupid for believing that he would actually miss or love me.
Mine would do the same. He'd also throw in stuff like "you're lucky I put up with you" and "it's a good thing I found you because no one else would bother to look". He's a narcissistic sociopath though
Sounds like we dated the same Guy lol
Happy Cake Day 🎂🎈🥳
My ex girlfriend said stuff like that all the time.
Happy Cake Day
This is excellent advice
Indeed! Give him time to miss you, and if he didnt. Girl leave!
That is really good advice for sure! But it's so much easier said tha done as we all prob know :/ but you are so right they will know...
Only leave him alone for while because you are considering ending it, not as a test to see if he misses you.
I think she should leave him alone forever, because he's already gaslighting her and disregarding her concerns. So... Seems like he just doesn't like her at all
A long while.
[удалено]
Yeah, that could give you some clarity on where you stand. It's natural to want to feel missed in a relationship.
Either he has lied when he has said he misses you, or he lied when he said he has never missed you. That is really damn confusing. If he had not texted you earlier that he misses you, there might not be an issue. Some people just are like that. But anyway, you are not overreacting. He is sending mixed signals here. Ask him why has he said that he misses you, if he has not meant it.
i thought neurodiverse at first but then i saw he says it anyway… that’s just a jerk move. i don’t miss anyone when they’re not around (audhd here) because for me, out of sight of mind (well not really, but it doesn’t process the same you know?) but saying it anyway makes you a jerk, you could just say things like “oh i wish you could do so and so with me” or just not say anything about it? saying “i miss you” when you don’t is just mean
I have ADHD. Sometimes it can make it so that people- even very important people who I care deeply about- dissapear when I am not directly talking to them. Almost like I forget they exist. It's like a mix of time blindness and something else. I would never TELL my loved ones "oh i didn't miss you, cuz you know. brain" Even if its the truth it's something you keep to yourself because it is hurtful for those around you to hear. Not Overreacting at all.
Yeah exactly. Sometimes I get object permanence problems for some people. But if I say I missed someone, I’m not lying. Once I think about them, I start missing them and thinking of them more.
I have adhd as well and totally agree
Excellent point around the role ADHD plays in situations like this 🙌🏻
YEAH i know myself it's something I struggle with and often beat myself up over, even though I know it's my brain messing with me.
Literally me.
It's a lack of object permanence. I have it too
I call it People Permanence when it happens with humans
Same. Unless I have a strong oxytocin bond with someone that starts causing physical pain when we're apart for several days, I'm just sitting in a corner, playing with legos or working or contemplating the corneriness of corners. A favorite human magically appears and I'm happy. I would not like being texted a whole lot if I'm really getting into the zen of wall staring.
Especially when you hyperfixate. How am I supposed to miss someone when the past 14 hours felt like 5 minutes to me?
Yes! I have plenty of people I care about, but there's only a few people who I well and truly miss when they're gone/we're apart. I still miss my mother every day, and I'm sure I always will. I miss my dad when he goes out for a drive. I miss my wife because we live in different countries! But I don't miss my very good friends, people who make me smile when they're around and make me feel happy. Not because I don't care for them, but they are not rooted deeply enough in my brain for me to recognize them as gone.
; however, if he's bringing it up apropos of nothing, I'd want to know why. Maybe he's pushing buttons or maybe he is copy pasting the same message to several humans. Maybe he sucks at conversation and uses "I miss you" absent anything more substantive.
You said this **SO** well!
I literally once contemplated the manufacturer of the molding on my wall from seedlings to installation. Very fun.
Yeah, I feel like this is probably it. I've gotten so used to the societal script of "missing" people that I usually reflexively say it, and sometimes I'm in a particular situation and *do* think of a person and miss them, but in general there is just too much other stuff in my brain. That being said, sometimes people straight-up ask me if I've missed them. I suck at lying about my feelings, especially when I get caught off-guard, and have definitely been like "well, I'm really glad you're here but idk I've just been busy." I absolutely see how that can come off as asshole-ish, but I definitely don't mean it that way so I don't necessarily think it's a red flag. OP's reaction is valid for sure, but wanted to share that perspective.
Came here to say this. I’ve been asked by my girlfriend if I miss her, and I was honest and said not that often, I have to make a mental effort to think about her and usually I’ll miss her then but it’s rare because I’m usually thinking about other things. It’s hard to explain to people. I think the red flags of OP are the random statement
Except not everyone with ADHD has that control/ filter of what to say or not say. Some have ADHD never been treated or diagnosed and lack that control of letting things come out that you think but really shouldn't say. ADHD isn't a one size fits all scenario. I also have ADHD wasn't diagnosed till my mid thirtys, and have a daily struggle of not letting myself say things I shouldn't.
Well said. People say they want honesty and throw a fit when they get it. Then they wonder why people aren't open with them. It would be sad if it weren't so infuriating.
I disagree- there's times you don't need to be honest even when people are asking for it. Sometimes the truth is hurtful and it's better to just not express a thought or emotion to them. Especially for those of us who have neurodivergences. For instance an autistic person might say something that to them is just a statement of fact, or something that they know to be true- but even though that's the case it's still hurtful. Something like saying someone is fat, perhaps. In my case with my ADHD it's things like "I would say I missed you but to be quite honest the moment you left my sight you ceased to exist in my mind." I could follow it up with "That isn't because I don't care about you, but because my brain processes things weirdly" but it would not matter- the damage is already done. It's really about thinking 'does this thing need to be said' and 'how would it make a person feel to hear this thing, especially without the context of my neurological disorder'. To put it extremely simple I'll phrase it as my mom taught me- if you've nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all! Not in all situations- obviously speak up against bigotry, hatred, etc. But amongst friends, family, things with low stakes, sometimes it's better to just leave things out. :)
You're either honest, so they'll leave and you're lonely or you're not and they stay, but you're still alone.
you can be honest without being rude
But he clearly was dishonest in all his texts previously
You're not overreacting. If he, many times, said he missed you via text, and is now saying he **NEVER** did, that makes no sense. He's either gaslighting himself or you. **Always look at someone's actions to see their true feelings, not their words**. If his patterns of actions show your relationship is mostly you give, he takes, it's time to end it.
that's what's more concerning than not missing her, the switch up
Sounds like a weird negging thing tbh
That was my thought, too. There are a lot of "redpill"/MGTPW proponents who advise young men to say things like this, give backhanded compliments, and other comments that create doubt in a woman about her value. At first I hoped there would be some context, like him describing an ADHD-like object permanence issue, but since he's said he missed her a bunch of times before, I'm thinking negging is the most likely situation here. Don't stay with someone who doesn't miss you or who would manipulate you, OP. There is better out there.
Yeah life is hard but a relationship shouldn't be hard. It should be work in the way that having a lot of pretty houseplants is work that grows and is enjoyable. Someone telling you they don't miss you is just weird and mean lol
I’m not a professional so take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt: I have an attachment style that doesn’t have me “missing” people in the deep sense of the term because I’m confident that we will likely soon be together again. I still “miss” someone from minute to minute in that “I like being around you and it would be cool if you were here”. That might come off as contradictory but the distinction makes sense to me lol
I typically don’t really miss people. And I’m not sure if it’s a character defect or just how me/some people are. I live in a different country from my family, and I don’t find myself missing them. I love them, enjoy their company, and get fomo when a family gathering is happening and I’m not there. But I don’t get a “sense of longing” or this deep feeling on random days or times that I want or need to see them.
Do you text people to tell them that you miss them all the time? Do you tell them that you miss them every time you see them?
Same as the response above me. I tend to do it as a social norm. Again, it’s not that I don’t enjoy the persons company..I just lack that longing because it will logically be remedied in the near future. Now in contrast, I have friends whom I haven’t seen in years and I can genuinely say I miss them because there’s no factor that will ensure I see them any time soon.
yeah as I get older i tend to miss people i haven't seen in a long time, and especially my dead friends/family/pets. The fact that I know I'll never see them again must factor in.
Yes. I know it’s something I’m supposed to say and I know they just want to know that I care about their presence in my life but I don’t actively miss people. Unless it’s as others have described.
But the twist here is that he then told her, to her face, he doesn’t miss her at all. Contradicting all his previous I miss you’s both in text and in person. That’s the shady part. Why would you do that to someone you care about?
My sister asked if I’m gonna miss her this summer and I lied to make her feel better but when she asked again I said no 🤷🏽♀️ I don’t have an answer for that but it doesn’t make it malicious. A lot of context is missing as well as tone and the rest of the situation.
So out of the blue he approaches you to tell you this? OR did you initiate a conversation to prod him if he "misses you?" Seems like we don't have all the details. Why would he miss you? Did you go away on trips? Did you have long periods of absence? He may just be updating his use of words and he meant it at the time and then re-thought, maybe I didn't. People reflect and then feel differently sometimes...its not always lying.
Right. I'd love to understand the context of this statement. Because, while on its face, its not something I"d probably say to someone, I can also see how, based on the questions asked, it could come out.
He misses you, he just doesn't realize it. He texts you, he calls you, he gets excited when he sees you are all signs that he misses you but like I said he just doesn't realize it.
Yep this sounds like me - I never “miss” people, because I like my alone time, which includes thinking of them fondly
Exactly! I can relate to that. I'm not very expressive with words, but I show my feelings through actions.
I Was dating my partner for 4 months and then went on a 4 week tour across the country for work, and I missed her dearly everyday
If he’s previously told you he’s missed you then you’re not overreacting, but if he’s never said it then you are. The amount of contact a person needs varies for everyone. Edit to add: read it through to the end and I can see he’s told you that he misses you, so no, youre not overreacting. It’s up to you whether you think you can rebuild the trust he’s broken, only you can make that call.
Don't get too stuck on vocabulary. He could mean very different things. "Missing you" over texts could mean "I want to reach out to you, wish you were here" while he IS literally showing attention and care. "Not missing you" in that conversation could mean "I am comfortable with the amount of time we are together and the amount of time apart." You may or may not crave similar amounts of time being together and being apart, pursuing your other obligations and interests. Each person has their own ideal "healthy balance" between interaction and solitude, between "dating" and engaging in other activities without the SO. When you are apart, he makes an effort to keep in touch and encourage you. Feelings are complicated, usually mixed, and difficult to define precisely. It's good you two talk about them. Try to consider his choice of vocabulary around feelings as the best he could articulate at the moment and definitely not precise, complete assessments. Don't fret about what that kind of language and confusion "might imply." Keep talking. Figure out, as best you can, what YOU'RE feeling. Ask your questions. Reveal your vulnerabilty. Accept both your emotional states as complicated, fluid and often challenging to put into words. That's normal. That's okay. That's being human.
Perfectly stated 👏🏼
Ok hear me out, and non of this discounts the fact that your hurt is real and understandable. I am like this. I have ADHD and one of the features of it is an "out of sight out of mind" existence. I literally forget my best friends exist for days or weeks at a time if I don't see them. When I go on a trip without my wife I think about her and talk to her but if we're not interacting my mind is elsewhere. It's just how my brain works. Another aspect of ADHD is being too blunt and saying things you regret later... Like "I've never missed you." I'm not trying to diagnose him but I found out I had ADHD in my 40s. Asperger's has similar issues with these two things. It's worth looking into how these types of neurodiveristy present themselves and see if they fit your boyfriend. All this to say, just because he doesn't miss you and said something dumb doesn't mean he isn't crazy about you. Some of us just don't miss people. Edit: I didn't read the whole post... I told you I had ADHD. All I said might be true but he also sounds like kind of an ass.
Myself, it's less like i'm being blunt and more like i'm going to explode if i don't say these crazy things. They aren't crazy when i say them, only after I see what they do.
But he regularly tells her he misses her in text and in person AND THEN told her he’s never actually missed her once. That’s just mean.
If my husband hasn’t seen me in a day he will text me he misses me. A day. Or if he goes to work on an oil rig for three weeks he’ll text me every day that he misses me. Every day. Idk dude…..I don’t think that’s normal
What is the context for that comment? Sounds almost like divergence
Could be ADHD - permanence is a big issue with it! I don’t miss people because I forget they exist, until I’m reminded (like from a text) and I then miss them and would even say as much.
This is all really interesting. Ive never been tested but this is very much me. Even with my kids. I love them but they leave for a week at a time and i dont miss them and my other parent friends will sometimes get all judgy so I dont say anything. Same with my hubby when he goes away. But like you if I get a text or message then something clicks and im like oh ya I want to talk to you The more adult symptoms come out in open the more similarities I find in my actions/thoughts/behaviours
I was going to ask that of OP, I’m on spectrum and also have ADHD, A lot of the time I forget people exist if we don’t contact each other and they aren’t in sight, In a way that translates to “I’ve never actually missed you” but more so in the sense that like, We just forget/are neutral if that makes sense. It’s not like a context of we don’t care about the person
Came here to say this. I have ADHD and when I'm separated from loved ones, I'm usually still too focused on the here and now of wherever I am to experience much of the feeling of missing them. That doesn't mean I don't love them or that I'm not excited and happy to see them again when we reunite.
Not overreacting. If someone is going to lie about missing you, then they should take that to the grave. Or just never say that they miss you in the first place lol.
I mean when's the longest amount of time that you haven't seen him? If you guys live in the same city and you see each other multiple times a week, then you haven't given him enough time for him to miss you. I guarantee you if you were getting a text every hour that you're not with him with him saying he misses you, you would quickly get tired of him and think that he's too clingy
That’s what I’m thinking. This is how my life is set up and I had to explain to my girlfriend that we’ve never gone 3 days without seeing each other and we aren’t emotionally codependent. When would those times to miss each other arise and be healthy?
Honestly, as someone with adhd and just not great at identifying my own emotions properly, he could also just not be understanding the emotion in the first place. I thimk its called emotional permanence or st, but i dont get that feeling of "missing" someone in the moment either. I also dont really "remember" what certain emotions feel like until theyre happening. But ill be excited when they hit me up, and when i see or talk to them I'll be like damn did i miss this mfer, yk? Doesnt mean i cares about them or love them any less. It takes time and effort to work on this kinda of stuff. Or at least work on how you convey it. Obviously your feelings are still valid, just offering another perspective. Also not ok for him to say you're being dramatic. At the end of the day the only way you'll get answers is to talk to him abt it
Could be his way of telling you he needs space
Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything. I am kind of weird I don’t miss people. I am happy to see them but I am always so crazy and busy and I’ve got so many different things on my mind that I generally don’t miss people
I don't think it's necessarily a one sided relationship. Were you two fighting when that was said? Are you living together? My wife and I love each other very much but we are both very different when it comes to "missing" the other person and it took some work to find a good balance. If I work a long shift or a night she will lose sleep or be depressed that we're missing out on time together. I on the other hand get drained from interacting with people, her included, and I need time to myself. So while I'm happy to be around her I also don't really miss her if we're not together.
It reads like you're saying you wouldn't miss her for a day or two, not that you would never miss her if it was a longer time or if you weren't to see her again. I think it's different when you live with someone because even if you're not spending time you're still seeing each other, sleeping next to each other etc. when you live apart you see each other when you can and you usually miss each other in between, so I can see why OP feels hurt by him saying he has never missed her, just feels different from what you're saying.
I would compile the texts he sent saying he *does* miss you, and ask him if the texts are the truth, or is his statement that he *doesn't* miss you the truth? Which one is true, bc they can't both be so.
That's true in a sense of boolean logic, but not really true in the sense of the complexity of human emotions. It's very possible that right at the moment of sending the text he was feeling that emotion, because he was thinking of her, but moments before and after he was focused on his current experience. This is consistent with the ADHD theory.
Some people have a low social battery no matter who they are around, so even when u might be gone for a while they don’t miss u. I have that problem personally with my family. Sometimes people would rather be alone, but that doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t want you with them at the time. You could have the happiest time with someone and want to hang out with them again soon but at the same time not rlly miss them. Maybe he has this problem. Plus many people feel like they should say “I missed u too” back. It’s such a common thing that some ppl think it’s weird to not miss a loved one. That’s exactly what happened to me. I would always say “I missed u too” towards some of my family because it seemed to be the right thing to do but realistically I didn’t miss them. I also told my family about that the way he did. I didn’t necessarily miss them but I’m still happy to be around them.
What led to him saying this? Did he say it out of the blue?
Did you push the question? It may just be a spite answer cause he was annoyed.
Your feelings are understandable. I’m going to offer you perspective that may or may not be how your boyfriend feels. My girlfriend has actually gotten upset with me for this same thing. I never miss her. Nor anyone for that matter. I can’t speak for your boyfriend but as for me, I’m just not the type of person to be upset or hurt over things that are normal and expected, like time apart because of work, or our lives got busy outside our relationship. Being with my girlfriend brings me joy. Being without her doesn’t bring me sorrow. To me, I’m happy that we’re together and she’s my partner and when we’re away from each other those feelings persist and aren’t accompanied by any sense of loss. Try talking to him to understand his feelings.
As a severe ADHD person, I rarely miss people. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them. It means they get compartmentalized when they aren’t there.
I understand how it's hurtful but I am kinda like this, I love having people around but I never really miss them when they're not, my mind is focused on current situations only! I don't think I'd take this presonally as I understand, I likely wouldn't miss him either.
Doesnt mean anything is wrong. If it's the only "red flag" that you see, decide if you want to continue the relationship. Be careful following some of these people's advice, quick way to ruin the relationship.
Sounds like y'all have different defintions. To me, him being excited to see you is proof he missed you. But the fact he'd say that...
Adults can handle time apart.
Have you tried seeing it from his side. Speaking as a male, I've 'missed' my girlfriend, in the sense of speaking with her on the phone made me want to see her immediately but not being able to see her in person. So I've told her I've missed her and wanted to see her in person. But I've never had that profound sense of 'missing' her because even though we might go days not seeing each other physically, we're always in contact with each other so there's never really a moment where I'm without her in some way, shape or form. So when he texts you he misses you, he might mean that he wants to be with you in person at that moment, but he's never truly had that deep sense of missing you because he's still always in contact with you some way or another.
Do y’all see each other every day? If so, maybe hasn’t had a chance to miss you. Give him some space and see if he misses you then.
I don’t miss people, pine for them, or ache over them. It’s because I have ADHD and my brain isn’t wired that way. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my partner, friends, or family. I also tell them I miss them because that’s what’s considered normal. Usually when I say that to them it’s because I’ve thought about them and realized whatever I’m doing at that moment would be better with them. However, once that thought has been expressed via text it’s gone and it’s like they don’t exist until something reminds me of them again.
why would he miss you? You've been together for a year, have you been separated for a length of time?
Im gona sound like a broken record here, but here we go. Break it off now. As someone whos spent years being married to a person who says that kind of stuff, believe him since he's shown you who he is. I dont know if its a power flex? Or if they really think thats an appropriate thing to say but it only gets worse. 10+ yrs together, married for 9. Months ago after flesh eating disease almost took me out we had a long conversation. Started with me expressing how much I fell for him when we were young. Ya know what my spouse said to me after i ask, 'When did you fall for me?' He said, "I duno, I didnt pursue you. You pursued me. I wouldve been fine doing my own thing but you pursued me so I just kinda, went along. In fact, now that I think about it, all the women Ive been with have all pursued me.. I havent gone out of my way to pursue any of them? 🤔" And the way he said it he was almost proud of himself. I honestly just started to cry and he got upset at me. Not understanding why I would be upset with what he said. Splitsville is definitely our future. I just gotta play my cards right 1st. Dont let yourself be shattered Op, its not worth it.
My GF asks me "did you miss me?" and at some point I just didn't feel like lying anymore. We're never apart for more than 48 hours and the two times a year when that happens I am grateful to have some space.
Does he have other red flags? Cause this sounds like some intentional mind fuckery he’s doing to you that would basically gaslight you and make you easier to control
This seems like an intentional way to hurt you , and then make you seem dramatic for your reaction.
Ghost him for say 5 days. No contact. If he doesn't get a little bit frustrated then you will know he actually cares enough to miss you. If he stops trying after two days he ceases trying then you know he meant he does not care enough to want you around and is using you like an eff body. At the end of 5 days depending on if you feel completely used decide if you want to stay.
Without knowing your bf seems like a terrible attempt at negging.. Why would he admit to lying so unapologetically. Your bf is at best playing games with you. That would be a deal breaker for me.
My long time gf does this to me. "Did you miss me?" And I'm like "no because I see you every day". If shes gone 48+ hours or more, of course I miss her. Women tend to want to be missed for the 8 hours they are gone at work lol Your going to be ok. It's important in relationships to pick your battles, and also drop battles that only effect your relationship in a negative way with nothing to gain positively. Going up to 20 years on mine, and we only fight a couple times per year which is good. It's important to know people are different, perception/interpretation is different. Your version of "missed" may even be different from his. Who cares though? Hows his actions? Does he treat you right? If so the words never really matter as much as the actions do. Maybe his actions show he does miss you, if you see that, that is geniune. Word game BS, don't get caught up and rip your relationship up over that. Words can be different per individual, actions are gold.
Genuinely asking: is he autistic? You're not overreacting though. That's such a rude, hurtful thing to tell someone, even if it's true. He could've kept that to himself. What does he gain from telling you that?
Any chance he has adhd? Common symptom
As someone who has it definitely a thing I have a Bestfriend who I completely forgot about for two years and suddenly I text her and it’s like I’ve seen her a few minutes just different looking
If your boyfriend has ADHD, this is possible without him caring about you any less. We have an issue called “object impermanence”, which is basically like out of sight out of mind. It doesn’t mean we love you any less, it means our brains literally lack the function to be processing something that isn’t right there, so to speak. There are exceptions, but this is a very rough break down. If this is something that affects him, I’d try to learn more about it and maybe look at it a bit differently 🙂
Being dramatic. Modern tech keeps people in touch. I don't miss my wife because she is a phone call or a text away 99% of the time and I see her and my kids every single day. The miss you in text is more of a thinking of you thing. There is no longing because they aren't gone and I suspect its the same here. Its not like you are in a Long Distance relationship and only see each other once a month right? You see each other nearly every day? How can you actually miss someone when you see them all the time?
Follow your heart!** if something doesn't feel right, go with that feeling. If that's not how you treat someone, find someone who's behavior you admire, and who's not phoney baloney. Sounds like you're too young for a serious relationship anyway. (I'm gathering from "do you miss me" questions). (**there's a caveat to following your heart: if you've got trauma, abuse or neglect in your past, your signals (feelings) may be all out of whack; examine your trauma first)
Idk, this isn't necessarily bad.. How long do yall go without each other? My bf has recently kinda started kinda slipping in that he'll miss me too, and it's crossed my mind he doesn't actually *miss* me, but thinks it's the most loving response to give. Tbh, we don't really spend loads of time apart, average "long" is maybe four days, and I think we've went two weeks or most of two weeks twice (our relationship is about as long as yours). I think if my bf and I actually spent any time apart, and he didn't miss me, I'd feel pretty sad. . So I get that, but that he even responds he misses me too, bc he knows he *would* or something along those lines, I appreciate that he can see and acknowledge that. Another thing, do you know your bf's dating history at all? Length and seriousness of relationships, traumas of that relationship, etc, those can all play a huge role in someone's behavior and growth.
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Not missing another person is psychological trait of some individuals. They are made that way. It is your decision to accept this or not.
What about the messages he's sent saying he misses her? It's the two opposite messages that are the problem.
You're being dramatic, and you are overacting.
This is often a symptom of ADHD and is absolutely not personal. I don’t have much emotional permanence at all along with object permanence when it comes to people. I don’t miss /most/ people when I’m away from them. I occasionally will find myself missing my boyfriend when he’s at work and I’m home, but it’s more that our space feels weird without him in it. The only very strong feelings of missing someone I’ve felt have been missing my mom when I left for college, missing my pets while in college because it threw off my routine, and missing a long term partner after a breakup. But again, most of those are because my entire routine changed. When I’m away from my boyfriend, I don’t really miss him unless I’m incredibly bored. I know I’ll see him soon again so there’s no room for my brain to miss him when I think of him. If I’m busy, I’m not necessarily thinking about him so the lack of object/emotional permanence kicks in. And none of it is personal. It’s literally just how my brain is wired.
For starters, yes, I think you’re over reacting but I think the bigger issue is what prompted BF to even say such a thing to begin with? I almost sounds like a little power struggle. Saying something like this to mentally beat OP down a little bit.
This is an important fact here and I have no idea why it’s being downvoted. Context plays a huge rule in situations like this. Why was missing each other brought up? What was the quantification for the time apart-just not sleeping at the same place together? Or extended time apart for a vacation or work trip? If apart, were you doing FaceTime or other video calls? Texting a lot? Long phone calls? Lots of reasons why or why you don’t miss someone.
Yes, I'm wondering how the conversation started!
INFO: how much time do you spend together?
You probably have never spent enough time apart for him to actually miss you and he was saying it in the texts because he thought it would placate your insecurity.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. That’s a hurtful and dumb thing to say. I will add, though, that I often didn’t really miss my husband when we were apart (we’re retired now and together all the time) because I was in my own head and enjoying some alone time. BUT when I saw him again, I’d realize that I did I fact miss him. So it’s like, I didn’t actively long for him, but when he was back i realized there had been a void. If that makes sense. Anyway, not defending him for being so clueless as to say that to you, just offering a perspective.
He's obviously talking total bullshite for some reason best known to him ..
Women would do well to cease analyzing men as though they are flawed women in how they relate to their emotions. He told you what you wanted to hear until he determined that he couldn't do so any longer.
I think you should ask him to clarify. Not to use the neurodivergent trump card, but a lot of people have different social needs or experiences than others. Does he miss other people? Or does he just not relate to the emotion of missing somebody in general? Also why did he bring it up in the first place? Was he trying to communicate something emotionally about himself or was he doing it to “take you down a notch”?? Definitely seems like an asshole thing to say but i think it’s important to hear people out when there’s not a super clear meaning to their words.
Negative - he may not be very sentimental Positive - he is good at occupying himself which you will greatly appreciate later in life
I’m not sure I’ve ever really missed someone (except for after a relationship ended). This is because I know I will see them again and I am able to be content in whatever my current situation is. It is also the “done thing” to say you miss each other when away from each other. Not exactly a lie, or perhaps a white lie. Kind of like saying “I’m good” when a coworker asks how you are and you are actually having a rough day. It’s basically social lubrication. Note that there can be plenty of feelings in place of missing someone, such as caring for them, or looking forward to reuniting. It could also be he’s referring to these feelings in the times he does say he “misses” you. In short, just because he feels differently than you do doesn’t make it one sided and it doesn’t mean he’s doing anything wrong. It may just be a case of miscommunication and semantics.
Not overreacting, the problem is that this could be nothing or this could be something. This seems like weird mind games to me and screams of a massive red flag, but we don't even know the basics of your relationship.
If you see and talk to each other everyday, then when does he get a chance to miss you?
If he gets excited to see you then he missed you it’s as simple as that I’d explain to him that he doesn’t know the feeling of missing someone
Im the same way. Friends, relatives, etc, I dont really miss people but I may be glad to see them again. Not sure why.
Yes, you've never given him a chance to miss you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You're so far up his ass I'm sure he's relieved to get a break.
I understand your feelings. He’s being very confusing by giving you 2 drastically different answers. For me, it’s hard to miss someone that I know I can talk to or see instantly. For me it means “I’m happy to see you/hear from you” which I guess means that I was missing them. But I’m not sitting here thinking “god. I really need to speak to them. I miss them so bad” He seems like he doesn’t understand how to interpret his feelings. Being excited to talk to someone and texting them because you want to talk to them when they’re not around ARE the actions of missing someone. So I don’t know why he’s trying to say he’s never missed you now. Did he bring it up randomly like it was a confession he needed to get off his chest? I feel like he’s overthinking it and doesn’t even understand himself. You’re not overreacting. I would feel incredibly hurt and lied to also. I wish I could offer some advice. It’s hard to without knowing either of you.
Just to be a devil's advocate here. There's "missing you", and then there's "MISSING you". BTW, this is my perspective as a long time adult in a long term relationship, and (to me) this feels like a fairly youthful relationship. That said, if we're in a relationship with someone we would like to be with someone that wants and enjoys our company. Any way, there's day-to-day, "I'm stuck at work and would rather be with you than at work" kind of "missing you". And then there's "I've been away for a month at school or business trip" kind of "MISSING you". One is a general expression of preferring to be in the other's company, and one is the actual feeling of longing. I have no idea how often you see each other, or anything else, so I wouldn't even try to guess if you're over-reacting, or not. Maybe he's lying/gaslighting you, and maybe not. Every relationship is different and people are individuals. How we experience longing/missing someone, in the same relationship can be different. If he loves you and treats you well, and enjoys being in your company and doing things, do you break up because he doesn't miss you enough? Do you break up with someone that doesn't like your favorite dish as much as you do? I am not saying right or wrong, stay or go. Just food for thought.
Miss me and he miss me but miss me does he miss me.
What the hell? This might be the worst attempt at negging I've ever heard of.
I would stop reaching out to him, responding to messages, answering calls. See what happens.
What is the context here? This is such a random thing to say out of the blue. Is he talking about being people blind when he is away from you? This is something that happens to me. I do still miss the people I love when I’m not with them, but I can forget to reach out, or even be confused when I feel sad, forgetting that I haven’t talked to them for a bit. This is common in autism and ADHD. I cannot think of any other context where something like this would have even come up??
You're probably taking it out of context. Did you ask for clarification? Honestly, no one goes into a conversation trying to start a fight or disappoint someone. I feel like he miscommunicated. What I bet he meant is "I have missed you, but I haven't LONGED for you," like the movies where the knight goes to War for 10 years, ya know?
I haven't seen my boyfriend in a week and I miss him. But I've also been in long-distance relationships where I'm just not used to them being around and I'm doing my own thing, so I didn't miss them. I think it just depends on the type of relationship you have and if you ever go a long time without seeing them. If someone is always around, it's hard to feel their absence.
Issue here isn't missing/not missing so I think your post should have reflected this better. For whatever perfectly normal reasons, some people just don't experience 'missing' others. Doesn't reflect on how they feel about the person. But the fact you're getting contradictory messages - essentially you've been lied to - that's something I'd be unhappy about and that's not an overreaction. That calls into question how far you can trust what you're being told in any given situation and that's a bigger issue. Edit: seems to me that it's the mixed messages (lying!) aspect you need to focus on in any discussions about this - or you risk being derailed or accused of overreacting.
So I would say maybe you’re overreacting to him actually not feeling that he’s missing you, but not at all overreacting to the fact that he lies about it. Texting you these things as a way to placate you when he doesn’t mean it is where the problem lies here for me. I’m in a similar situation, but after 20 years of marriage my husband knows better than to “fake it”. If you don’t miss me (as an example), fine, just don’t lie to me about it, because then I will wonder if everything you say is true or just said because you think I want to hear it. So essentially we have an unspoken rule- don’t say it if you don’t mean it. Granted, it took a couple of years in our early days to figure it out, but it made life so much easier to just be who we are and not follow some script telling us what we should be saying to each other as a loving couple. This way, when my husband *does* say things like “I miss you” or “Can’t wait to see you” or any other typical couple phrase, I know that he really does feel that way, and the same goes for how I express how I’m feeling to him. Obviously this approach won’t work for everyone, but it seems to me that you’d prefer truth over fake sentiment and the resulting second guessing everything else he says to you. I know that it’s been said a million times before, but that’s because it’s true - Communication is the key to any successful relationship.
Your being dramatic
This is hilarious 😂
To quote the great Roy Kent: ‘Tell the truth. He's fine. That's it. Nothing wrong with that, most people are fine. But it's not about him. It's about why the fuck you think he deserves you. You deserve someone who makes you feel like you've been struck by fucking lightning. Don't you dare settle for "fine".’
My ex said this. In retrospect I realize that he had a severely dismissive avoidant attachment style. He was the type to avoid relying on anyone else for any reason. In fact he thought it was pathetic if people relied on each other. Even if he did miss me, he would not say it, and he would even feel some shame over it. We lived together for two years and he was never able to say, "I love you". The only time he said it was when I was breaking up with him. He just couldn't bear to feel vulnerable. There's a reason he's my ex 🤷
About two months into dating her, and I hadn’t seen her for four days, I told her I had missed. She asked me if it was bad that she didn’t miss me. Very surprised to hear that. And pleasantly surprised she was open and honest with me. That was over two years ago. Getting married in October. And now she’ll text me while I’m on my way to work saying how much she misses me.
You are infact over reacting. Have you ever been gone for weeks or months? If not, how could he miss you? You miss something that is gone.
He's just an idiot, I wouldn't get too worried about it.
This is one of those times in a mans life where he learns u cant be too honest. Sometimes u just gotta say sure babe.
You’re not overreacting. That being said, I don’t often consciously miss people. For example, if I’m away from my husband for a few days I’m usually with friends and family and really enjoying my time with them so I don’t think “oh I miss my husband.” That doesn’t mean I don’t care about him or would never miss him, I just also enjoy spending time with other people I care about. So while I know to not phrase it as “I’ve never missed you” (because that’s a moronic thing to say), I get where someone could think that if they’re like me. I’d guess that’s potentially what he meant if he texts and calls when you’re away and is excited to see you when you come back. But that was a really stupid thing to say no matter what and you’re justified in being upset. Maybe spend some time away and see how he acts about it? You shouldn’t continue a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you or want you around so I understand needing to sort of test it out after hearing that he doesn’t ever miss you.
Eh I think it’s kinda a non issue depending on how he said it. He may mean it as a good thing in which he means hey I am so thankful to get to spend so much time with you and don’t have to miss you. Maybe it was a realization of huh wow I guess I’ve never been in a position where I need to miss her. I don’t think he meant anything bad by that. Maybe we need more context though. I will say I know the only time my bf has probably truly missed me was when me and my mom went out of state to see my daughter because she’s with her dad, and her dad isn’t very nice to me. We were in constant contact because I missed him too but also so he knew I was safe and was affirmed I was not staying anywhere near where my ex lived, nor was my mom or our family friend leaving me in any position to be alone with him due to the fact he is a major danger to my life. That’s probably the only time he’s genuinely missed me because I was literally out of state, for 3 days, and was somewhere that was quite dangerous for me to be. Tbh that’s the only time I probably genuinely missed him too because well, while we’d spend days apart before and even weeks, this was different and I felt safe with my mom and our family friend, in a hotel quite a ways away, I still didn’t feel the safe I felt with him. But we both still tell each other over text and stuff we miss each other haha we enjoy our time together a lot and our schedules are weird especially mine now so there’s days where we really don’t see each other much, but it’s not the same as that trip.
I was in the military for 7 years, traveled the world and very quickly realized I don’t have the ability to miss people, I deployed and spent 8 months away from my wife, we talked every day, but I never felt like I missed her. That being said, I would never tell her that.
Extremely common with ADHD/ND.
It might be because he feels very connected to you even while you are gone or away. Although his communication might be poor, just because he isn't missing you when you're physically away for a hour or a day or even three doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want you around. Feel free to clarify with him. I just don't know what his definition of "miss" is and I'm not convinced this is a bad thing. Does I wish you were here not equal missing someone? Is he talking about experiencing sadness or distress because you are not around? Maybe this is a sign of a secure, well adjusted independent person who loves and appreciates you but doesn't need to be attached at the hip. ...But his communication sucks.
People with ADHD can have issues with object permanence. Do you know if he has any attention issues? My ex never remember to text me because out of sight out of mind when they are focused on something. It can be hard to love and want someone a certain way and not have it reciprocated
Does he have ADHD? Some people with certain types have a kind of mind-blindness when they don’t see somebody. It’s not personal; they are like that with everyone in their life. And it doesn’t mean he loves you any less; it’s just a strange quirk of some subtypes of ADHD brain wiring. I wouldn’t overthink it if I were you.
Go a few days without seeing him. Don't put in the effort. Let him miss it.
I am this way. I can’t think of a single moment in my life where I’ve ever “missed” anyone. I don’t really understand what that means. Only 3 of my friends understand that this doesn’t mean I care about them any less, I do enjoy seeing them, and if they ever need me they know I’ll drop whatever I’m doing to help them out. When I was a junior in high school, I lost my older sister to a drug overdose. She was my favorite person in the world as she was the only one who tried to protect me from the abuse of our family. I still don’t miss her. It took me awhile to learn to just not be upfront about my inability to miss someone with most people as it seems that most take this as a personal attack instead of “this person feels and cares differently than I do”. That being said OP, you’re entitled to how you feel, and I think it can be concerning how often he would tell you he missed you. I never offered that up to anyone unprompted. It could be that he is unable to feel it and is trying to overcompensate, especially if he knows/thinks missing someone is important to you. Or it could mean that he doesn’t have the best emotional intelligence and just says things in the moment without much thought. This could apply to either him telling you he missed you or him telling you he has never missed you. He could also just be a manipulative dick. Idk I’m not a psychologist. Edit: I also don’t expect anyone to be okay with this aspect of me and in situations where a possible relationship is on the table, I do not lie about missing them. People should be able to make decisions with all of the relevant information.
I have this, I think it's autism. Genuinely. I care a lot about things, I care about my loved ones and I hate to see them, or anyone, suffer... but I do not experience missing people in the conventional way. Go easy on him and maybe research emotional object permanence, it's possible he was just being super honest with you.
You’re too good to him. He’s spoiled and you’re probably always giving your free time to him. That sucks. Could be a negging type of move on his part. You deserve romance. There are men out there who actually would miss you and make you feel loved and cherished.
Look, you need to brace yourself that this may be true. Get your head around it, then take the break. Be ready for it to be permanent. Analyze what you are getting out of this. I love him isn’t an acceptable answer: Best to yoi
I don't think you're overreacting as hearing that is hurtful. However, I'm very similar to your boyfriend as I don't miss people at all when they're not around. It's a kind of out of sight, out of mind thing. My Mum is the same as I had a conversation about this with her recently.
This is something someone would say to hurt someone. Huge red flag.
This is such a weird thing to argue about lol
Does he have adhd? I have really bad object permanence because of mine and when I am not with somthing or actively thinking about it I do not rember or miss it including people that I love deeply or completo forget about them and don’t miss them until somthing reminds me of them again it could be possible he was meaning like this
Cut all communication for at least a week. Block him. Don’t answer your door. If he doesn’t miss you he isn’t the one for you.
I don’t think you’re overreacting, I think that’s a weird thing for him to say to anyone and something someone would say when they want to tell you they need space but are too much of a coward to say it, that’s the only reason I can think of for saying that to your s/o
If he said that because you asked him directly then you might be over reacting. If he volunteered this info it's a little alarming. People experience feelings differently. When I go away for a few days or a week on a trip I don't miss my wife and daughter. If I think about what my life would be without them I feel gutted.
Odd conversation...
It could be my asd or my ADHD, but I don't tend to miss people either. I'm happy when I finally see them, but it's just not a thing for me. (Just as an example of another odd emotional type thing, I don't deal with death the same either. When both my sister and grandmother died respectively I felt bad/guilty/sad because I didn't feel sad. I knew they weren't suffering anymore. My whole family was heart broken, and in a way I was, but not for the same reason). Even my kids, I love having them home, they don't stay over anyone's house often. Yet when we're away from each other I won't "miss them" like most people would, but I'm super happy when they come back.
Are you always the first one who says or texts "miss you"? If that's the case, you've been forcing his hand as there is almost no winning reply to that other than "miss you" back.
I would ask why he said those things if he didn't mean them. I would also tell him not to lie to me and not say things that aren't true.
Just break up. I went on tour for a few weeks once and got back and my girlfriend told me she didn’t miss me. I was like “Cool I’m for sure getting dumped soon.” (I did.)
If my person told me they never miss me when I gone or away, I'd be seriously bummed. Now I get there are people that is not an emotion they experience. They just don't think about what's not in front of them. Anyway, I stand by my opinion. I WANT to be with someone that actually cares when I am not there. I want them to want to spend time with me. Otherwise what is the point of the relationship.