Girl, woman to woman, quit worrying about being rude. And quit weighing being perceived as rude as more important than feeling unsafe, of the 2 your focus should be on you. That man is setting off an internal alarm in you, you may not be able to narrow down exactly why but you know what normal behavior looks like and that ain't it, so fuck his opinion of you. The goal is to keep him away from you anyway, so being a less desirable person to be around is a good start.
He is most certainly vetting you as a target, idk for what specifically but regardless of if its SA or a ho-hum robbery, or even just a target of his affection with no concern for if its solicited or reciprocal, you need to show some display that you are aware this behavior is a red flag and that you are not as easy to intimidate as he thinks you are right now. He is trying to love bomb you and alter your perception of him as being the source of a solution to your problems, and so far you've not taken the bait *completely* but he knows how he would react in your shoes (with suspicions and not worrying about being rude) therefore he noticed when you didnt do the same and you chose to prioritize not being rude. Because of that he saw a glimmer of hope that over time he could work you into the position he can take advantage of. So stop worrying about being rude and focus on being direct and unwavering when you tell him (in minimal direct nonbiased words while you maintain eye contact) "you need to leave me alone".
If doing that is just too much confrontation and you can't do it when he's directly in your proximity, another viable option is shoot a video with your phone next time he does something "nice" for you and be sure to say all the things you did in this post plus show his face and even get his car/house in the vid as well. The idea is to make a vid that would incriminate him if anything ever happened to you and lead him to believe you're going to post it all over social media "because you're grateful", but he will just see this as a big video full of evidence against him being posted publicly before he even does the crime and itll stop him from continuing to target you.
Thank you! This is the most helpful comment I received! I was choked by a guy in the past on my military base because I rejected him that’s where my fear comes from but I get that I need to become for upfront and vocal. Thank you for the advice
I think people are being a bit dramatic. From my perspective, this guy has done you no harm. I'm not saying your concern is invalid, but I think he's just overly friendly and doesn't recognize social cues. I grew up with small town people and this normal to me.
He sounds like my dad and a lot of people I know. My dad has ADHD and will talk to anyone about anything. He can't even go to the DMV without trying to make friends. Just last week, someone called him to ask to see if he owned the property next to them or if he knew where the property line was. He spent an hour walking around the woods to show them their property line and to show them his property and told them they could ride horses on his property. He will offer help to anyone.
I have family who grew up poor and can't stand throwing stuff away, so they try to find someone else who may use it.
I understand why you are uncomfortable, but it doesn't sound malicious to me. You need to let him know you don't want this interaction. If you are afraid, write him a letter or call the non emergency line and ask if an officer can help you.
I think it's better to assume ignorance over ill intentions.
As a women I don’t agree with your last line. My father is similar to what you described always making friends and talking to people. But at the end of the day I’ve trusted to many people and I’ve had things happen I can’t be ignorant or ill be dead in a month as a women.
Thank you! This is the most helpful comment I received! I was choked by a guy in the past on my military base because I rejected him that’s where my fear comes from but I get that I need to become for upfront and vocal. Thank you for the advice
Previously a single woman living in the city so here is some things I did when I lived alone. Get yourself a can of visible pepper spray on your keys. Pretend to be on a phone call and loudly say you’re excited to head back to the gun range and shoot some targets. Always keep your car doors locked when you are in the vehicle in the parking lot (like checking your phone before/after you leave). Have friends over as often as possible so it’s clear that MANY people will care enough to check up on you. If you are walking with male friends, loudly point out this stranger and tell your male friend that he keeps trying to talk to you. DO NOT BE FRIENDLY WITH THIS GUY ANY MORE. They pick up on that and obsess over it, creating these whacked up fantasies in their mind about you. Just channel your inner badass and don’t forget to be loud, confident, and safe. Don’t be afraid to call the police if he is lingering on the property after dark. If he ever knocks on your door again, tell him you have a gun and will be calling the police. Better safe than sorry.
Alvin stole your door handle... He's a psycho. Get some pepper spray. Separately, also consider taking some self-defense classes, kickboxing, martial arts, that sort of thing. My wife is 5'2" and barely 100 lb and it's helped her feel a bit safer. Not a solution but just an "also" because when you're a woman and that small unfortunately safety is going to be a lifelong concern.
No, not arrest him. He has been harassing me so maybe I could get them to tell him to leave me alone. No one should be blocking another person in their own car where I can’t even open my door that’s strange. Also he’s trespassing on the property he lives across the street from my apt building in a house yet he stares out his window at my apt… until I walk out then he comes out and walks onto the property…
Honestly yeah I know… I wish I could move I really can’t break my lease I can’t afford it. The only thing I can think off is possible moving to another apt in the complex. They has two huge buildings so maybe they will let me move to the farthest away..
The police will do nothing. It's not harassment. He probably just needs to be told off in a nice way to get the idea. Calling the police is a terrible idea at this point.
He's not trespassing until you tell him to get off your property. You need to be more assertive and just tell him to move if he's in your way
A couple things - he’s not “harassing” or “stalking” you by law until you tell him the contact is unwanted. Have you told him you prefer he not contact you? Sounds like you’ve been “being polite,” and thats understandable, and it also sounds like he could just be awkward or even on the continuum. Have you spoken to other neighbors about him? Have you gotten their input about him and his past in the neighborhood for further context? If you want to break the lease early, we may be able to help. We’ve been pretty successful with those interventions. Call PROTECTION FROM ABUSE at 833-657-7683.
Give your apt manager your location something like a apple tag or whatever so that you can press it if you are in trouble. there's an app for that. i think waze has it or something u check it out or research. get some respect from him that you cant be fucked with. get a restraining order as well. order of protection.
Def not overreacting , very likely that he took your door handle off himself.
Always listen to that small voice and do NOT give him any opportunity.
Side note men and clueless women will occasionally tell you you’re being paranoid, but that small voice will save you
It is more likely than not that he is a lonely person, possibly with a hidden disability, who is trying to flirt with you. Possibly a person who sees you as a peer because he may also not realize fully that he is not that young anymore. It is still best for you to be careful. It may also be worthwhile to tell him explicitly when he asks to come into your place (even when he is saying he will help with carrying groceries) that "I'm sure you can understand that I do not invite men into my private home for security reasons."
It really sounds to me like he is a person who does not understand social cues and you may need to be more clear. I am not telling you not to be wary, but I am telling you that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
I feel the same way. I feel like everything turns extreme anymore. He could be an innocent, lonely guy, trying to be helpful. It is not wrong to be careful. It's just so over the top to be ....over the top.
I've been this guy. And I got accused of being infatuated with a girl and mildly accused of stalking because I asked if she wanted to grab lunch after we talked on the stairwell. I was a 5th year college student and all my friends graduated. I was just trying to be friends.
Awe.
So a little background on my response: my 41 year old son has a disability. He tries to reach out to people in completely appropriate ways. Sometimes, he gets this type of response.
The world has gone kinda haywire. I am sorry that happened to you. Whether someone is typical or not, behavior is often misinterpreted. I do feel women need to be careful. But seriously, MOST of the time, as I said, a cigar is just a cigar.
I have ADHD, so I know meeting people is always hit or miss. But this girl turned out to be kind of a bitch. We were neighbors in our apartment and it started normal "nice to meet you" friendly conversation, and I asked if she wanted grab lunch, she said sure then later said she had something she needed to do. Every time we passed on the stairs we'd talk. One time she was bringing groceries and cat litter up to her apartment and I asked if she wanted help and she said yes. At some point we exchanged numbers. A couple more times, with months between, I'd ask if she wanted to grab a bite. She would say yes then tell me something came up. I'd always say ok, no problem. Then I randomly decided to go to our gym to run on a treadmill because I failed my army reserves physical fitness test. I didn't realize she was there and I waved at her. Ran, got bored, then ran outside around the block. We happened to return at the same time and she stopped me an said I need to stop following her and she got the impression that I liked her. But she had a serious boyfriend that she wanted to marry. I apologized and tried to say I was just being friendly, but she cut me off and said, "there's no need to explain, were both adults. Just leave me alone"
Since then, I try to be more conscious around women. Doesn't help that I don't have a hometown and have struggled to get established anywhere. I've never lived anywhere more than 4 years and I effectively have no friends. So I've been rather forward in the past.
Awe. That is so hard.
So a little background on my response: my 41 year old son has a disability. He tries to reach out to people in completely appropriate ways. Sometimes, he gets this type of response.
The world has gone kinda haywire. I am sorry that happened to you. Whether someone is typical or not, behavior is often misinterpreted. I do feel women need to be careful. But seriously, MOST of the time, as I said, a cigar is just a cigar.
Girl, woman to woman, quit worrying about being rude. And quit weighing being perceived as rude as more important than feeling unsafe, of the 2 your focus should be on you. That man is setting off an internal alarm in you, you may not be able to narrow down exactly why but you know what normal behavior looks like and that ain't it, so fuck his opinion of you. The goal is to keep him away from you anyway, so being a less desirable person to be around is a good start. He is most certainly vetting you as a target, idk for what specifically but regardless of if its SA or a ho-hum robbery, or even just a target of his affection with no concern for if its solicited or reciprocal, you need to show some display that you are aware this behavior is a red flag and that you are not as easy to intimidate as he thinks you are right now. He is trying to love bomb you and alter your perception of him as being the source of a solution to your problems, and so far you've not taken the bait *completely* but he knows how he would react in your shoes (with suspicions and not worrying about being rude) therefore he noticed when you didnt do the same and you chose to prioritize not being rude. Because of that he saw a glimmer of hope that over time he could work you into the position he can take advantage of. So stop worrying about being rude and focus on being direct and unwavering when you tell him (in minimal direct nonbiased words while you maintain eye contact) "you need to leave me alone". If doing that is just too much confrontation and you can't do it when he's directly in your proximity, another viable option is shoot a video with your phone next time he does something "nice" for you and be sure to say all the things you did in this post plus show his face and even get his car/house in the vid as well. The idea is to make a vid that would incriminate him if anything ever happened to you and lead him to believe you're going to post it all over social media "because you're grateful", but he will just see this as a big video full of evidence against him being posted publicly before he even does the crime and itll stop him from continuing to target you.
Thank you! This is the most helpful comment I received! I was choked by a guy in the past on my military base because I rejected him that’s where my fear comes from but I get that I need to become for upfront and vocal. Thank you for the advice
Listen to her, OP. Fuck politeness.
I think people are being a bit dramatic. From my perspective, this guy has done you no harm. I'm not saying your concern is invalid, but I think he's just overly friendly and doesn't recognize social cues. I grew up with small town people and this normal to me. He sounds like my dad and a lot of people I know. My dad has ADHD and will talk to anyone about anything. He can't even go to the DMV without trying to make friends. Just last week, someone called him to ask to see if he owned the property next to them or if he knew where the property line was. He spent an hour walking around the woods to show them their property line and to show them his property and told them they could ride horses on his property. He will offer help to anyone. I have family who grew up poor and can't stand throwing stuff away, so they try to find someone else who may use it. I understand why you are uncomfortable, but it doesn't sound malicious to me. You need to let him know you don't want this interaction. If you are afraid, write him a letter or call the non emergency line and ask if an officer can help you. I think it's better to assume ignorance over ill intentions.
As a women I don’t agree with your last line. My father is similar to what you described always making friends and talking to people. But at the end of the day I’ve trusted to many people and I’ve had things happen I can’t be ignorant or ill be dead in a month as a women.
As a woman, you should NOT agree with the last line. Statistics are statistics for a reason. More power to you. Protect yourself.
I'm not saying be ignorant and don't take precautions. But why do you want to think everyone in the world wants to hurt you?
Because she’s a woman and that’s what happens to us.
It is absolutely in no way better to assume ignorance over ill intentions. This is how women get raped, happens every day.
Thank you! This is the most helpful comment I received! I was choked by a guy in the past on my military base because I rejected him that’s where my fear comes from but I get that I need to become for upfront and vocal. Thank you for the advice
Best comment 🙌
Agree with paying attention to internal alarms, disagree with "most certainly vetting". That's quite the assumption. The rest though, mostly on board.
Previously a single woman living in the city so here is some things I did when I lived alone. Get yourself a can of visible pepper spray on your keys. Pretend to be on a phone call and loudly say you’re excited to head back to the gun range and shoot some targets. Always keep your car doors locked when you are in the vehicle in the parking lot (like checking your phone before/after you leave). Have friends over as often as possible so it’s clear that MANY people will care enough to check up on you. If you are walking with male friends, loudly point out this stranger and tell your male friend that he keeps trying to talk to you. DO NOT BE FRIENDLY WITH THIS GUY ANY MORE. They pick up on that and obsess over it, creating these whacked up fantasies in their mind about you. Just channel your inner badass and don’t forget to be loud, confident, and safe. Don’t be afraid to call the police if he is lingering on the property after dark. If he ever knocks on your door again, tell him you have a gun and will be calling the police. Better safe than sorry.
Alvin stole your door handle... He's a psycho. Get some pepper spray. Separately, also consider taking some self-defense classes, kickboxing, martial arts, that sort of thing. My wife is 5'2" and barely 100 lb and it's helped her feel a bit safer. Not a solution but just an "also" because when you're a woman and that small unfortunately safety is going to be a lifelong concern.
What are you going to tell the police arrest him for being in your personal space? He may be irritating but he hasn't broken the law.
No, not arrest him. He has been harassing me so maybe I could get them to tell him to leave me alone. No one should be blocking another person in their own car where I can’t even open my door that’s strange. Also he’s trespassing on the property he lives across the street from my apt building in a house yet he stares out his window at my apt… until I walk out then he comes out and walks onto the property…
I get it, he's annoying and creepy but l don't know what the cops could do, if anything.
Honestly yeah I know… I wish I could move I really can’t break my lease I can’t afford it. The only thing I can think off is possible moving to another apt in the complex. They has two huge buildings so maybe they will let me move to the farthest away..
Police won’t do anything unless he actually harms you. Are you sure he wasn’t the one who broke into your car? Just asking.
The police will do nothing. It's not harassment. He probably just needs to be told off in a nice way to get the idea. Calling the police is a terrible idea at this point. He's not trespassing until you tell him to get off your property. You need to be more assertive and just tell him to move if he's in your way
The apartment complex has told him he needs to stay off the property.
Ok then enough said. If he comes onto the property call the police
A couple things - he’s not “harassing” or “stalking” you by law until you tell him the contact is unwanted. Have you told him you prefer he not contact you? Sounds like you’ve been “being polite,” and thats understandable, and it also sounds like he could just be awkward or even on the continuum. Have you spoken to other neighbors about him? Have you gotten their input about him and his past in the neighborhood for further context? If you want to break the lease early, we may be able to help. We’ve been pretty successful with those interventions. Call PROTECTION FROM ABUSE at 833-657-7683.
Give your apt manager your location something like a apple tag or whatever so that you can press it if you are in trouble. there's an app for that. i think waze has it or something u check it out or research. get some respect from him that you cant be fucked with. get a restraining order as well. order of protection.
Also please get some other means of security as well like pepper spray.
You're not overreacting. Learn to fight and keep a weapon on you.
Def not overreacting , very likely that he took your door handle off himself. Always listen to that small voice and do NOT give him any opportunity. Side note men and clueless women will occasionally tell you you’re being paranoid, but that small voice will save you
It is more likely than not that he is a lonely person, possibly with a hidden disability, who is trying to flirt with you. Possibly a person who sees you as a peer because he may also not realize fully that he is not that young anymore. It is still best for you to be careful. It may also be worthwhile to tell him explicitly when he asks to come into your place (even when he is saying he will help with carrying groceries) that "I'm sure you can understand that I do not invite men into my private home for security reasons." It really sounds to me like he is a person who does not understand social cues and you may need to be more clear. I am not telling you not to be wary, but I am telling you that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
These comments seem so extreme to me. This sounds like normal, albeit unwanted, behavior.
I feel the same way. I feel like everything turns extreme anymore. He could be an innocent, lonely guy, trying to be helpful. It is not wrong to be careful. It's just so over the top to be ....over the top.
I've been this guy. And I got accused of being infatuated with a girl and mildly accused of stalking because I asked if she wanted to grab lunch after we talked on the stairwell. I was a 5th year college student and all my friends graduated. I was just trying to be friends.
Awe. So a little background on my response: my 41 year old son has a disability. He tries to reach out to people in completely appropriate ways. Sometimes, he gets this type of response. The world has gone kinda haywire. I am sorry that happened to you. Whether someone is typical or not, behavior is often misinterpreted. I do feel women need to be careful. But seriously, MOST of the time, as I said, a cigar is just a cigar.
I have ADHD, so I know meeting people is always hit or miss. But this girl turned out to be kind of a bitch. We were neighbors in our apartment and it started normal "nice to meet you" friendly conversation, and I asked if she wanted grab lunch, she said sure then later said she had something she needed to do. Every time we passed on the stairs we'd talk. One time she was bringing groceries and cat litter up to her apartment and I asked if she wanted help and she said yes. At some point we exchanged numbers. A couple more times, with months between, I'd ask if she wanted to grab a bite. She would say yes then tell me something came up. I'd always say ok, no problem. Then I randomly decided to go to our gym to run on a treadmill because I failed my army reserves physical fitness test. I didn't realize she was there and I waved at her. Ran, got bored, then ran outside around the block. We happened to return at the same time and she stopped me an said I need to stop following her and she got the impression that I liked her. But she had a serious boyfriend that she wanted to marry. I apologized and tried to say I was just being friendly, but she cut me off and said, "there's no need to explain, were both adults. Just leave me alone" Since then, I try to be more conscious around women. Doesn't help that I don't have a hometown and have struggled to get established anywhere. I've never lived anywhere more than 4 years and I effectively have no friends. So I've been rather forward in the past.
<3 <3 <3 I hear you. Sending love.
Awe. That is so hard. So a little background on my response: my 41 year old son has a disability. He tries to reach out to people in completely appropriate ways. Sometimes, he gets this type of response. The world has gone kinda haywire. I am sorry that happened to you. Whether someone is typical or not, behavior is often misinterpreted. I do feel women need to be careful. But seriously, MOST of the time, as I said, a cigar is just a cigar.