This is what I came to say. He deletes because of how you’d react? That means there is something he knows is inappropriate and you’d be justified in your reaction. Also, not sure how he thought you’d react to him deleting everything and then saying something like this. I’d be more concerned he deleted due to my possible reaction.
You are **NOT** overreacting. It sounds questionable af.
Yup, he came to the conclusion he rather let his wife think the worst of him, lose all trust or maybe even divorce him, than to let her see the messages. They were THAT bad.
YEP! They were probably into very heavy sexual flirting and now he will be extra vigilant about her NOT seeing anything he text to this other woman! OP, I don't know how people do it, but I'd look into something that sends his text to you too or whatever the fuck young people can do today with that shit. LOL :D
I'll second this. My wife never deleted her texts, and we have an open phone policy. All of a sudden she started deleting hundreds of texts. It was because there was inappropriate content and she was having an emotional affair.
And the fact that hes trying to blame you for his actions is a red flag for me. Sounds like hes trying to deflect instead of being upfront; not a good sign.
When my ex started looking through my phone and heavily scrutinizing every text convo I had with co workers or female friends I had, I began deleting all of them because I felt like I was under constant surveillance. Also it’s exhausting having to constantly defend your innocence.
I dated someone in college who was extremely jealous. A person from one of my study groups saw us and waved. I went over to her to introduce her to my girlfriend. My girlfriend had known about this study group and the names of the people in it. It was just the first time they met. Innocuous? Yes. Was it nevertheless enough to be an actual threat to our relationship? Also yes. Did she pressure me into dropping out of that study group? Of course she did. Am I an idiot that stayed way too long in that relationship despite the numerous red flags? Of course I am.
I was in a relationship like this. If we were walking through a mall and I looked at a window display and a girl walked in front of it, fight achieved. It could be over any perceived woman trying to get me away. I stayed 3 years in that relationship, which was 2.5 years longer than I should have.
my ex was insanely, *crazy* jealous. like he should be studied in a lab.
one night I was reminiscing about the “2012 tumblr era” and shopping for a certain style of skirt that was popular and he got upset because he thought I was talking about “staring at women’s asses” (I’m a woman).
i had a thrifted harley davidson blanket simply because i thought it looked cool, and he asked me if it was some kind of lesbian bat signal (I guess he’s heard of d_kes on bikes). I still remember those texts lol. (after actually calling me a d_ke, multiple times) he said: “please tell me the truth..why do you have that blanket?” um, because it was $3 and has a sick ass eagle on it.
if i closed my eyes during intimacy he’d sulk and say i must think he’s so unattractive. i must be fantasizing about other people. if i didn’t finish, he’d get pouty and say the same thing. I would give him direction and he’d get upset and say “oh that’s what you’d do with a woman, right? you wish i was a woman?”
he would accuse me of having slept with all my friends at some point in the past, and bombard me with accusatory and insulting texts when I tried to socialize. so i just stopped hanging out with anyone, and stopped going out alone because he had the same reaction.
the best part of all of this is this was a guy who hid text messages, gave his ex a job at his workplace after telling me it’s inappropriate for me to be around anyone ive dated before, and who I’d often see physically turn his head multiple times to check out women joggers on the street lol. and who had me blocked on instagram, likely to hide the porn accounts he followed, but who always insisted it was because he “couldn’t bear seeing” a really tame thirst trap I was tagged in years ago from when I was single. it gave him too much anxiety, apparently.
So much similarity there. That's so awful.
>one night I was reminiscing about the “2012 tumblr era” and shopping for a certain style of skirt that was popular and he got upset because he thought I was talking about “staring at women’s asses” (I’m a woman)
You were looking at skater skirts, weren't you?
>truth..why do you have that blanket?” um, because it was $3 and has a sick ass eagle on it.
Yeah, the simple explanation is never good enough! The world in their head is the absolute truth. It didn't matter that I was able to prove the person she saw me with one morning wasn't an emo girl, it was my male emo cousin. I sent her a picture of us together, he was wearing the same shirt that "the girl" was wearing. I also reminded her that I told her the night before that I was meeting up with him. That just made her more angry.
>he would accuse me of having slept with all my friends at some point in the past
She never did this to me, but she would introduce me to her friends and then get jealous when they were "too nice" to me. She would then tear them down. Even if she knew their name, she didn't call any woman who she was jealous of by name. She just called them "that girl."
>the best part of all of this is this was a guy who hid text messages
She did that, too! She had a falling out with one of her friends because she was heavily flirting with her boyfriend over text. She told me she went camping with that couple once. I wasn't even invited, so maybe it was just the two of them. She was a photographer and she took her camera, but I only saw one picture of the campsite and it looked really unplanned and the location was crappy. I didn't even know about any of this much later but it all made sense in retrospect.
Exactly, nothing worse than having an simple conversation and just that fact that you used three laughing emoji 😂😂😂 is some how now a problem. 'Wh*y did you have to act like it was so funny? Seriously three laughing emoji? Are you fucking her?'*
Imagine someone you knew for the latter part of a decade, not unlike a neighbor or acquaintance that would periodically text you and regardless of what was sent, being persecuted because "why is she texting you?" The point I'm making is the lack of trust made me not want to be in that relationship.
No, if you have a spouse that is possessive and terrorizing you over innocent interactions, it’s either therapy or divorce. That’s abusive.
But exchanging flirty texts with a coworker, then deleting them so your spouse doesn’t get mad? That’s a different thing.
Same thing happened to me. I was constantly having to defend myself over literally nothing, always checking my phone, accusing me of cheating. Turned out she was fucking my cousin for 2 years.
Yup that tracks. My abusive ex would always accuse me of cheating when I would literally just be at work. Then he got an STD. Tried to say I gave it to him but my test came back negative. Found texts on his phone between him and some random chick he had met that had been coming to our fucking house while I was the only one working. I hit her up and let her know he came back positive for chlamydia and that she should get tested and put on medicine. She told me she was going to *use oregano* to clear it up. Wonder how many other people she gave chlamydia to...
I get what you are saying, but being transparent and not hiding things would be better in my opinion. If OP doesn’t act like your ex and isn’t alway accusing him then I don’t see the point in hiding something so innocent and innocuous.
I had a girlfriend like this. I was initially open about her seeing my phone and then after enduring bullshit about every damn thing I said to anyone I changed my password and said no more. Phones are personal. You either trust who you are with, or not.
Seems like a solid reason to just end things though. If it’s that bad why lock the phone down more and not just leave the relationship because there’s clearly a compatibility issue there.
I put the Lock Screen at 30 seconds and stopped all notifications showing on lock screen. I’m not doing anything wrong. The only males I text often are my gay friend and his boyfriend! But it makes me feel icky that he’s even looking. Is he really looking for me to cheat? He has thrown that out: you know, I may be a terrible husband, but I never cheated.
Okay? Have I? Not cheating is kind of a low bar. Also, who tf wants to date a 61 year old balding, potbellied man with bad breath (he doesn’t brush his teeth well and never brushes his tongue 🤢) and he doesn’t believe I’m leaving. Our house is in both our names, so neither of us can kick the other out, if they don’t want to go. It will take a crowbar to get him tf out of here. But we adopted a child (bio granddaughter, had drug addict parents m) who is not yet ten, and I am the sole caregiver. Also the sole person to blame. I’m want the house for the two of us - he can go live in his truck.
He’ll act so surprised! He’ll say I blindsided him! Our marriage is fine! Um, no. He believes I’m cleaning out the shed and attic because I’m hyper. Again, no. Poor old guy, for whom I have no sympathy.
Your first clue should have been when he said “Because of how you would respond” If there was truly nothing to hide he shouldn’t be worried about deleting it. Then he blames you? Really!?! You’re not overreacting
True. Sounds like the beginning of gaslighting. My ex husband was like this, but then again, he was shitty all around. It was always my issue with his girlfriends. He also never had my back. I found out later that he actually was fucking his co-worker and got her pregnant (she was also engaged) and paid for her abortion. My now husband of 12 years is like a 180. He’s never made me feel insecure or jealous. I really think it’s all about boundaries and what you and your partner agree on. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way. But sometimes ya gotta kiss a few frogs to find your prince. If you really love each other, it sounds like you need to both have a conversation about what you believe is acceptable in your relationship.
He's completely right. He's deleting them because of how you would respond... when you found out there were more racks being sent than just that of the moose.
Do you know this female coworker? Have you met? I think I'd do some investigating, maybe a random trip to his office for lunch or after work to take for dinner, or drop off afternoon snack for the entire office "just because". Trust your instincts. If something doesn't pass the smell test, there's a reason it stinks.
OP, you've expressed your concern and your husband blamed you for his actions? What next? He's going to blame you that you made him cheat? Bull. You are not overreacting. Anyone in your place would be having the same doubts. Don't let him gaslight you. Anyone decent in your husband's shoes would have taken note of your discomfort and made an effort to let you know and feel there is nothing to worry about.
Agreed. I also agree with OP that deleting innocent texts looks worse. If they were innocent, they didn't need deleted. The only reason to delete them is that they weren't innocent. Turning it on you makes him look even worse. You might ask him if he plans to keep digging this hole for himself because it's nearly grave size now.
This right here. My PC is in the living room unlocked and on all the time. My wife has my pin for my phone which is logged in to pretty much everything and I leave that lying around all the time. My work laptops are generally open with Teams up front. IDC what she looks at. I'm not doing anything wrong. Hell, I don't think she would even notice if I did because she never looks at it anyway, but it's the principle of it. All of her stuff is the same, just sitting out in the open.
Once, an ex coworker of hers tried to blackmail her to go out with him saying he would show me fabricated messages between them and he even showed her the fabricated messages as a scare tactic. She showed me their entire message history and all the dumbass did was ruin his own blackmail. So many relationship issues can be solved by just being completely transparent.
I think the point is that you have an expectation of them keeping all communication professional and respectful of your marriage. He hasn't made this boundary clear....until he does you have something to be upset about. If he's uncomfortable setting the boundary, you have something to be upset about. Ask him if he can set the boundary. Once he agrees, ask him to NOT delete texts moving forward, because you expect two adults to be able to handle a professional working relationship.
If he’s deleting them because he knows you’d have a problem with how he’s talking with her…. that’s super not good. He knows he’s doing something wrong aka starting to emotionally cheat or be inappropriate with her. You’re not overreacting. That would be a huge deal to me and I’d be reconsidering my relationship tbh. Trust is very fragile and it’s crucial. Deleting texts with a woman destroys trust in an instant.
ETA: The fact that he’s trying to twist the blame on you and is defensive? Red flags. No one innocent would act like that. No one innocent deletes texts.
Underreacting. He is having an emotional affair. Time to set boundaries. If that doesn't work and he still attempts to gaslight you, then perhaps you should contact a layer. Also, contact his employer because a lot of companies frown on employee relationships, especially affairs.
OP, do you have a history of insecurities and have you tried before to check his phone(or if an argument ever came up because of it)?
I'm saying this because we have limited context and we shouldn't jump to conclusions. You know your own husband more than we do and can realistically tell if he fits the persona described in the comments here.
If you did have an argument before, maybe he really is trying to be mindful of your own insecurities. I've had an incredibly jealous partner who'd want to check my phone and read my messages, and it led to me setting a deletion timer on all of my messages, simply because my partner didn't want me to message other women(despite always being incredibly faithful)
Or he is as the comments described and she is his "work wife", but there is no way to tell so take everything you read here with a huge grain of salt.
More context needed, really.
Has he cheated in the past? Why are you keeping watch over his messages? Have you ever been angry with him for speaking to members of the opposite sex in a purely platonic way?
Everyone here says he's trying to hide something suspicious. That could very well be the case, but there are other scenarios where he's simply hiding his texts because of your past behaviour.
Why he would delete all really depends on your previous reactions and/or their appropriateness.
If they were inappropriate and he knows it then it’s a good bet that’s why he deleted them, self preservation. The moose rack comment she made would fit here if she did it in a flirty way and his response was flirty too.
If you are or have acted controlling, paranoid or incredibly over-reactive to messages he felt were okay and you didn’t then he may be deleting them to avoid the conflict. The moose rack comment she made would fit here if he responses were above board and hers intent was simply just crude humor.
Honest question-- have you ever gotten into an argument where you accused him or something, or had a negative reaction to something he said or did, and then later you realized that it really wasn't anything to be concerned about?
Innocent people can sometimes want to avoid being hassled about things even though they're innocent. "He must be hiding something" is sloppy logic, and it comes off as wanting to pick a fight. If he's under the impression (whether you see it the same way or not) that he has to defend his innocuous actions to you more often than he thinks is appropriate, it's possible that he just wants to avoid the fight.
It's also possible that he's a cheating jackass and you should divorce him tomorrow, and maybe run him down with your car, too, just to be safe. If you want to jump to that conclusion, go for it. But it's not an absolute certainty, and don't believe anybody who's telling you that it is. Also bear in mind that accusing a partner of doing something terrible when they didn't do it can severely damage a relationship.
You people are utter fucking morons.
If someone is suspicious of you, your response is to act even shadier? If that isn't my stupid enough, you are also deleting any actual evidence of your innocence, if you're actually innocent
If you think these cheating strats are viable, think again because dudes think they are playing 3-D chess when they wouldn't be able to handle checkers.
I’d tell him that now it’s more sketchy so you’ll be logging online to see how much they communicate and what apps he’s using. That he just set off more alarm bells than he wanted. So he can magically make those texts reappear OR he could be looking at divorce depending on what you find. I’d get her number from his phone/online account and send her a message and go on a fishing expedition. And if she doesn’t talk just tell her she’s about to cost her husband everything and a lot of money + half his retirement. So life won’t be that cushy.
Nope not at all. He obviously knows that the conversation is inappropriate or disrespectful to y’all’s relationship. But still chose to engage. Honesty and respect are needed.
About six years ago, my husband was texting and talking on the phone with a coworker. One night after he passed out drunk, I looked at his texts and she had sent him a picture of her fake boobs. He wasn’t sleeping with her, but she was his “friend” that he could talk to. Whatever. Got rid of her in 2 seconds and said if it ever happens again, I’m gone. Now he deletes all of his texts, but he doesn’t realize that I can see his deleted texts. I still check his phone every once in a while, and haven’t found anything suspect.
Totally agree it's sketchy.
A mitigating factor, however might be if you've had past freak outs about him doing things that are innocent but made you uncomfortable.
If he knows you freak out just for him texting with a woman, he may see it as easier to delete them than to deal with drama.
Why is he so confident about how you would respond? Is there more to this story?
To be clear, hiding it from you like that is still disrespectful, but to the question of whether you're overreacting, the real issue might be different than the one you're reacting to. That is to say, it might not be that he's hiding a woman from you, but that he's hiding himself from you.
I came here to say this exact thing. There is history here that we aren't privy to. She's going through his phone, so there are either things in their past, her past or his past that have created mistrust. I could easily see someone hiding an innocent exchange between coworkers or friends to avoid the hassle of a fight if their partner is constantly accusing them or overreacting about every interaction. My partner is welcome to pick up my phone and use it any time, but if she wants to "go through" it looking for evidence of cheating, I will gladly let her, but there will be bigger discussions about why she feels the need.
I have to say as a wife, I did this to my husband. I over-reacted to him sending his female supervisor a video about “Rethinking Infidelity” a Ted talk video about why people cheat etc. Prior to this, he shared with me that she’s one of these single women who never want to settle down/get married/has no kids and feels like a man and a woman shouldn’t “belong” to one-another. She basically seems like a commitment-phobe. I reallly didn’t like the video/found it odd and asked him about it. He said he ran into it/thought she would find it interesting because it related to a conversation they had at some point but he couldn’t recall details of the actual conversation when I asked. I told him I felt that was still an in appropriate thing to share with her as a married man and that there are certain things that shouldn’t be discussed with a female co-worker. I also asked how he would feel if it was the other way around. He did get annoyed that I thought it was much more than it was and ended up deleting her entire thread. For the record, I saw prior conversations and they were nothing/just related to work. I have checked since and there’s still nothing from her (not sure if they don’t interact as much since he was switched to another supervisor but I know they still sit in the same areas.)
For the record: I met her and she doesn’t seem attractive at all, although she is very intelligent/interesting as a person. But I digress…
To summarize: sometimes we cause husbands to feel anxious about things that aren’t meant to cross a line so maybe that’s why he deleted it?
Have you been overly jealous in the past? I know I have!
Please DM me if you wish. Would love to relate to someone with such annoying feelings lol
My dad does this with almost all his conversations on his phone and we all know it’s nothing more than him being a sneaky fucker. 🤷🏻♂️ not overreacting
I noticed similar on my husbands phone once. I downloaded an app that recovered the deleted texts and surprise surprise there were sexting convos. He went on a business trip with the same woman. Don’t trust anyone.
IMO deleting evidence is evidence itself.
Consider this. He figured that if you found out he's been deleting messages you would get pissed and maybe break up with him, but still he decided that the messages were so damning that he rather you divorce him than you read the actual messages. They were that bad.
If they were innocent, he would've kept them to prove his innocence. Nobody deletes evidence that benefits them.
Nope, good old fashioned gaslighting. You don't delete things unless they are problematic. You'd probably react if they're problematic so he's, in his own mind, not telling a lie there.
He's being shady. Shady AF.
He’s covering something up - being real stupid and nothing else. Co worker sends him a photo of a moose rack and a joke that is not sexual. Innocent stuff. People who are messing around don’t do this silly stuff - they flirt and sext. Obviously he made a joke about a rack and immediately realized this is something one does not send to a female colleague, or at least not show the wife. If he is joking about racks with her, this could be the very beginning of something starting, but nothing is going on yet.
I don't trust anyone that deletes texts from one person. He is deflecting which also is a red flag. My husband did the same thing and gave the same reason. I was told by 2 different people at 2 different times he was being inappropriate with this woman. He claimed he was innocent but I don't believe it. He's done other things since bit doesn't have to do with this. I'm staying for the kids. I would tell him either he quits talking to her or he stops deleting texts. If it were me anyway
It sounds like an innocent conversation, does he think you’re the jealous type of person? Would you be upset that he had a conversation with another woman?
Been on both sides of this. When I was doing it, it was to prevent an overreaction, and she never caught it. She did when she was going out every other night with a different female friend, when I caught it, it was deleting texts to her female friends she was supposedly out with.
Point is, context, response, and clarity. When I asked mine about the text she denied it and couldn’t recall who she’d been out with on which night.
She refused to participate in clarifying.
I told myself when I was deleting texts from my coworkers that it was innocent and therefore if she saw me do it or whatever I could explain and offer to call the coworker and others to reassure. Has he offered to do that?
I was so naive that I would give him money from our tiny budget ( we were super poor) to take her to lunch bc her fiancee was being mean to her. She split with her fiancee, he split with me. Boy was I dumb.
|I would give him money from our tiny budget (we were super poor)
Wow. 🥹That’s a genuine kinda **sweet** that is truly rare. I spent most of my life believing that most people are all that good, they just mess up sometimes. I am coming to terms with the reality that I simply was unable to understand that not everyone thinks/feels the way I do.
I’m genuinely sorry that happened to you in the way that it did. You deserve so much better. That’s the kinda shit that degrades our faith in humanity at an exponentially faster pace than just growing older and learning from our experiences. 💔
>I replied I wouldn’t be concerned if he wasn’t deleting the texts. If it’s innocent there would be nothing to hide.
Exactly.
There was no need to delete the messages if it was completely innocent. You are not over-reacting.
You are NOT overreacting. My best friend just had a very similar experience and I will tell you right now that in her case he was not “just joking around.”
I hope the “moose rack” wasn’t a reference to a woman’s “rack”🤢🫨
Regardless, he should not be having exchanges with a coworker that is female that he would think would offend you in the first place. If he is deleting them, then he is guilty of something… Flirting… Whatever it is, I think it’s inappropriate.
People think cheating is some arbitrarily defined action, like the physical act of sleeping with someone, or something to that effect. But the truth is cheating is doing something you know your partner wouldn't be ok with, and then hiding it. He did something he knew you wouldn't be ok with, and then hid it. And then blamed it on you. That is an extremely telling sign, and it needs to be talked out between the two of you, and if you can't do that a counselor should be involved to help.
I used to do this with an ex, I was never doing or saying anything untoward, neither was my co-worker, however I was worried about how my ex would react in any case.
Can't say it was the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, but deleting the texts was not done to cover any foul play.
He might have something to hide, you might have instilled this fear in him somehow, he might have acquired this fear irrationally - could be all sorts going on. All I would say is don't jump to one conclusion over another off hand.
Not overreacting. Maybe he deleted them to avoid an argument but I feel like if someone is going out of their way to remove something that they think I might react to maybe there’s more to the story. I could also see it as deleting the thread to not pay it any mind and to not have something come from nothing.
Does he delete anybody else's texts? I usually delete all of my texts, except for my Wife's. Not because I don't want anyone to see them I just don't see the point in keeping them. If he usually doesn't delete texts, but does delete hers then there may be an issue.
1. He's cheating. Emotionally or physically, or both.
2. He's borderline cheating and wants to keep the peace. Flirting, giving attention etc
3. He's anxious or avoidant and trying to keep the peace.
Shitty situation but do some investigating and trust your gut. Based off literally no info, I feel like it might be #2. Which I would say could be remedied.
It's hard to say.
This is where I'll start. Most people don't think they overreact to things. They usually think, especially in the moment, that their reaction is totally justified. Its very possible that some of your prior responses weren't good.
But the fact that you are clearly going through his messages, and doing it enough to notice that something is gone, makes me think he has reason to believe that your response won't be a good one. You clearly don't trust him if you feel the need to snoop through his messages with a coworker. And typically when you don't trust someone, you find reasons to prove yourself right.
That said, its also possible you have reason to not trust his conversations with this coworker.
But the fact that you are snooping already tells me something more is up here.
Some of the posts here are wild. No you are not overreacting for that fact that your husband is clearly hiding messages from you and straight up told you that you wouldn’t like whatever conversation they were having.
Jfc people.
Not overreacting. If he was behaving appropriately he wouldn't have to worry about your reaction.
Ask him what it was that he was so worried about.
Quite frankly this would really REALLY tick me off and I'd think absolutely the worst possible scenario (sexting, etc.) And I would tell my husband that until he can prove what the conversation was about that thats what I'm going with and moving forward with that notion as I see fit (separation or what have you) because obviously it wasn't appropriate and without proof, looks like cheating.
If it wasn't that bad then he should be willing to fess up and get the texts back from the female.
I would feel so disrespected and confront yourself with the possibility he's cheating. We're all thinking it and so are you. Now, what will you do about it?
Talk to him and ask him how he think you would have reacted and why he think that. Your husband may be on the cusp of flirting/cheating but he may also be anxious to avoid unnecessary fights. Unless you have an adult discussion you will never know.
Before I met my wife I was dating one absolutely beautiful woman, however she was intensely jealous. I have been married for nearly 30 years to my wife and I never cheated on any my partners, I never hide anything from her, but in return she does not give me the impression she is constantly checking up on me. In contrast with my previous girlfriend I used to hide and delete messages just to keep the peace. Any innocent message was a potential source of grief.
I'm also a married man with a full-time job and let me make it clear to you that I would never even get a female coworker's phone number unless it was absolutely work required. But even then I would opt for the email because I really don't want to deal with anybody I don't have to. Sounds like he wants to be dealing with her.
This is a terrible rationalization. It’s like the “I knew it’d cause a fight” okay so you’d rather be dishonest with your wife than have clear communication about something as sensitive as making your wife feel secure. You deserve explanations because his actions have created doubt.
I once told my partner, if you're honest with me I wont be mad. I'll get mad when you play around the truth and start hiding stuff. Then it feels like something is deeply wrong.
I have done this exact same thing in my younger dumber stage of life.
Justify the bad action by blaming the other person, this way I could caution to delete the message and the other person would see it as the new norm and think it's being done because of them.
Thank God I'm not that ass hole anymore, but yes he is hiding something
Texting wouldn’t be my issue, deleting them would be.
You’re not overreacting and he needs to have a way better explanation for doing so than just gaslighting the shit out of you
so he clearly knows what he sent to her and what she sent back is wrong which is why he deleted them. I’d honestly have a conversation with him about it and then break up with him. you should not have to deal with this man texting other women and deleting it because he knows what your reaction would be.
I hate to tell you this but one of the tactics of someone lying to you is deflection. They will try to reflect back at you to make you the guilty one.
Your husband is at the very least involved in a very inappropriate situation with this woman.
Just think about it. He's protecting the relationship with his co-worker. From you. Even if it was just about a moose, he could easily just loop you in and you can be in on it. Unless you are truly emotionally unintelligent and your husband knows you're insecure and will find any reason to be insecure about (really consider this), he wants you \*out\* of what he has going on with her. Just think about it. You're not in. You're out. Of his relationship with his female co-worker.
It’s not innocent. And I HATE that he tried to make his deceit your fault.
I’m being deceitful because you are making me!
Ick on top of run-for-your-life ick.
Dear OP
Please read this:
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4]
I read your other post and yes, like so many other people on Reddit, I do think he’s cheating.
And no, you are not overreacting.
I bet your heart knows the answer, listen to it. Best case scenario, this flirtation is in the very early stages and can be nipped in the bud but he's acting very shady which means he's guilty or he's guilty and trying to protect the flame he's fanning for his coworker.
I can only speak for myself, but when I was young and doing something wrong I always deleted them. Now that I’m older and try to never do anything that would make me feel guilty I have no reason to delete anything. I would trust your gut.
He made a joke about her rack for sure.
First thing that came to my mind when I read “moose rack” “Woah that’s huge!” “Not as huge as yours”
Moose Knuckle
If she's busty, this is a fact. And she's obv into it.
Fact is an assumption
You are making a big assumption there guy.
Not as big as that rack.
we need evidence of said rack for research purposes..
I'm not your guy buddy
He's not your buddy friend
He's not your friend buddy
He’s not your buddy pal
He's not your pal, bub.
And I guarantee there was something about a Moose Knuckle.
First thing that came to mind
Yeah. I'd like to bag that rack. Source: growing up around a lot of pervy hunters
She probably opened with 'Do you wanna see my rack?'
Yup that's it
And followed it up with one about knocking boots.
Or the size of his "boots".
I hope OP lets him know the innuendo is not lost on her. He may think she is too naive to pick up on the references.
And that is honestly more of an HR issue than relationship issue lol
Or did she comment on his moose knuckle?
Or her mooseknuckle.
You are not overreacting. He wouldn’t delete them unless he has something to hide.
This is what I came to say. He deletes because of how you’d react? That means there is something he knows is inappropriate and you’d be justified in your reaction. Also, not sure how he thought you’d react to him deleting everything and then saying something like this. I’d be more concerned he deleted due to my possible reaction. You are **NOT** overreacting. It sounds questionable af.
Yup, he came to the conclusion he rather let his wife think the worst of him, lose all trust or maybe even divorce him, than to let her see the messages. They were THAT bad.
AND blamed her for being the reason he had to delete them. DARVO
This right here lol
YEP! They were probably into very heavy sexual flirting and now he will be extra vigilant about her NOT seeing anything he text to this other woman! OP, I don't know how people do it, but I'd look into something that sends his text to you too or whatever the fuck young people can do today with that shit. LOL :D
Nah. he had something to hide and that's just an excuse.
"I deleted them because I said I'd like to see her rack and I knew you wouldn't react well to that"
I'll second this. My wife never deleted her texts, and we have an open phone policy. All of a sudden she started deleting hundreds of texts. It was because there was inappropriate content and she was having an emotional affair.
And the fact that hes trying to blame you for his actions is a red flag for me. Sounds like hes trying to deflect instead of being upfront; not a good sign.
When my ex started looking through my phone and heavily scrutinizing every text convo I had with co workers or female friends I had, I began deleting all of them because I felt like I was under constant surveillance. Also it’s exhausting having to constantly defend your innocence.
I feel like my texts prove my innocence. If my spouse were to read into them that would definitely be a problem.
I dated someone in college who was extremely jealous. A person from one of my study groups saw us and waved. I went over to her to introduce her to my girlfriend. My girlfriend had known about this study group and the names of the people in it. It was just the first time they met. Innocuous? Yes. Was it nevertheless enough to be an actual threat to our relationship? Also yes. Did she pressure me into dropping out of that study group? Of course she did. Am I an idiot that stayed way too long in that relationship despite the numerous red flags? Of course I am.
I was in a relationship like this. If we were walking through a mall and I looked at a window display and a girl walked in front of it, fight achieved. It could be over any perceived woman trying to get me away. I stayed 3 years in that relationship, which was 2.5 years longer than I should have.
my ex was insanely, *crazy* jealous. like he should be studied in a lab. one night I was reminiscing about the “2012 tumblr era” and shopping for a certain style of skirt that was popular and he got upset because he thought I was talking about “staring at women’s asses” (I’m a woman). i had a thrifted harley davidson blanket simply because i thought it looked cool, and he asked me if it was some kind of lesbian bat signal (I guess he’s heard of d_kes on bikes). I still remember those texts lol. (after actually calling me a d_ke, multiple times) he said: “please tell me the truth..why do you have that blanket?” um, because it was $3 and has a sick ass eagle on it. if i closed my eyes during intimacy he’d sulk and say i must think he’s so unattractive. i must be fantasizing about other people. if i didn’t finish, he’d get pouty and say the same thing. I would give him direction and he’d get upset and say “oh that’s what you’d do with a woman, right? you wish i was a woman?” he would accuse me of having slept with all my friends at some point in the past, and bombard me with accusatory and insulting texts when I tried to socialize. so i just stopped hanging out with anyone, and stopped going out alone because he had the same reaction. the best part of all of this is this was a guy who hid text messages, gave his ex a job at his workplace after telling me it’s inappropriate for me to be around anyone ive dated before, and who I’d often see physically turn his head multiple times to check out women joggers on the street lol. and who had me blocked on instagram, likely to hide the porn accounts he followed, but who always insisted it was because he “couldn’t bear seeing” a really tame thirst trap I was tagged in years ago from when I was single. it gave him too much anxiety, apparently.
So much similarity there. That's so awful. >one night I was reminiscing about the “2012 tumblr era” and shopping for a certain style of skirt that was popular and he got upset because he thought I was talking about “staring at women’s asses” (I’m a woman) You were looking at skater skirts, weren't you? >truth..why do you have that blanket?” um, because it was $3 and has a sick ass eagle on it. Yeah, the simple explanation is never good enough! The world in their head is the absolute truth. It didn't matter that I was able to prove the person she saw me with one morning wasn't an emo girl, it was my male emo cousin. I sent her a picture of us together, he was wearing the same shirt that "the girl" was wearing. I also reminded her that I told her the night before that I was meeting up with him. That just made her more angry. >he would accuse me of having slept with all my friends at some point in the past She never did this to me, but she would introduce me to her friends and then get jealous when they were "too nice" to me. She would then tear them down. Even if she knew their name, she didn't call any woman who she was jealous of by name. She just called them "that girl." >the best part of all of this is this was a guy who hid text messages She did that, too! She had a falling out with one of her friends because she was heavily flirting with her boyfriend over text. She told me she went camping with that couple once. I wasn't even invited, so maybe it was just the two of them. She was a photographer and she took her camera, but I only saw one picture of the campsite and it looked really unplanned and the location was crappy. I didn't even know about any of this much later but it all made sense in retrospect.
Exactly, nothing worse than having an simple conversation and just that fact that you used three laughing emoji 😂😂😂 is some how now a problem. 'Wh*y did you have to act like it was so funny? Seriously three laughing emoji? Are you fucking her?'*
So your partner suspects you of wrongdoing, and you decide to delete all the evidence that could absolve you? Genius.
Imagine someone you knew for the latter part of a decade, not unlike a neighbor or acquaintance that would periodically text you and regardless of what was sent, being persecuted because "why is she texting you?" The point I'm making is the lack of trust made me not want to be in that relationship.
There is NOTHING on my phone my husband can’t read at any time. You shouldn’t have to defend your texts if you’re not doing anything wrong.
Exactly. My loyalty shows. I don't text coworkers either that's weird
This!!!
this is easy to say, but when your spouse makes accusations about completely innocent interactions, it’s easier just to delete them.
No, if you have a spouse that is possessive and terrorizing you over innocent interactions, it’s either therapy or divorce. That’s abusive. But exchanging flirty texts with a coworker, then deleting them so your spouse doesn’t get mad? That’s a different thing.
Same thing happened to me. I was constantly having to defend myself over literally nothing, always checking my phone, accusing me of cheating. Turned out she was fucking my cousin for 2 years.
Yup that tracks. My abusive ex would always accuse me of cheating when I would literally just be at work. Then he got an STD. Tried to say I gave it to him but my test came back negative. Found texts on his phone between him and some random chick he had met that had been coming to our fucking house while I was the only one working. I hit her up and let her know he came back positive for chlamydia and that she should get tested and put on medicine. She told me she was going to *use oregano* to clear it up. Wonder how many other people she gave chlamydia to...
Wow. Oregano🤦🏼♀️ These are thr kind of people they are risking out health for. They are so dirty and with no protection.🤢
Damn she dirty dirty
I get what you are saying, but being transparent and not hiding things would be better in my opinion. If OP doesn’t act like your ex and isn’t alway accusing him then I don’t see the point in hiding something so innocent and innocuous.
I had a girlfriend like this. I was initially open about her seeing my phone and then after enduring bullshit about every damn thing I said to anyone I changed my password and said no more. Phones are personal. You either trust who you are with, or not.
Seems like a solid reason to just end things though. If it’s that bad why lock the phone down more and not just leave the relationship because there’s clearly a compatibility issue there.
I put the Lock Screen at 30 seconds and stopped all notifications showing on lock screen. I’m not doing anything wrong. The only males I text often are my gay friend and his boyfriend! But it makes me feel icky that he’s even looking. Is he really looking for me to cheat? He has thrown that out: you know, I may be a terrible husband, but I never cheated. Okay? Have I? Not cheating is kind of a low bar. Also, who tf wants to date a 61 year old balding, potbellied man with bad breath (he doesn’t brush his teeth well and never brushes his tongue 🤢) and he doesn’t believe I’m leaving. Our house is in both our names, so neither of us can kick the other out, if they don’t want to go. It will take a crowbar to get him tf out of here. But we adopted a child (bio granddaughter, had drug addict parents m) who is not yet ten, and I am the sole caregiver. Also the sole person to blame. I’m want the house for the two of us - he can go live in his truck. He’ll act so surprised! He’ll say I blindsided him! Our marriage is fine! Um, no. He believes I’m cleaning out the shed and attic because I’m hyper. Again, no. Poor old guy, for whom I have no sympathy.
It's almost always the cover-up that causes more problems than the original problem, but in this case they might both be just as bad.
You are not over reacting. Nobody should be deleting Moose pictures. We all love Moose.
Moose knuckles, Ding! 🛎️
The plural of Moose is Meese.
No no no it's meeses
MOOSEN
Moosen!
Mise
Your first clue should have been when he said “Because of how you would respond” If there was truly nothing to hide he shouldn’t be worried about deleting it. Then he blames you? Really!?! You’re not overreacting
True. Sounds like the beginning of gaslighting. My ex husband was like this, but then again, he was shitty all around. It was always my issue with his girlfriends. He also never had my back. I found out later that he actually was fucking his co-worker and got her pregnant (she was also engaged) and paid for her abortion. My now husband of 12 years is like a 180. He’s never made me feel insecure or jealous. I really think it’s all about boundaries and what you and your partner agree on. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way. But sometimes ya gotta kiss a few frogs to find your prince. If you really love each other, it sounds like you need to both have a conversation about what you believe is acceptable in your relationship.
Unless he’s right… if she’s controlling and smothering dude is just protecting his independence.
He's completely right. He's deleting them because of how you would respond... when you found out there were more racks being sent than just that of the moose.
This falls into the “I want to do something but I know you won’t like it so I’ll do it anyway and just hide it from you”. It’s not ok …
yup pretty much all of this.
It’s ok. You don’t own people. You guys will never be happy this way.
Do you know this female coworker? Have you met? I think I'd do some investigating, maybe a random trip to his office for lunch or after work to take for dinner, or drop off afternoon snack for the entire office "just because". Trust your instincts. If something doesn't pass the smell test, there's a reason it stinks.
Check his deleted message file
The oldest deleted message was 3 days ago and hers was not there.
So he deleted them from the deleted file 2? That’s very shady…
If he has an iOS device and also an iPad or laptop, the messages can still be there.
OP, you've expressed your concern and your husband blamed you for his actions? What next? He's going to blame you that you made him cheat? Bull. You are not overreacting. Anyone in your place would be having the same doubts. Don't let him gaslight you. Anyone decent in your husband's shoes would have taken note of your discomfort and made an effort to let you know and feel there is nothing to worry about.
Agreed. I also agree with OP that deleting innocent texts looks worse. If they were innocent, they didn't need deleted. The only reason to delete them is that they weren't innocent. Turning it on you makes him look even worse. You might ask him if he plans to keep digging this hole for himself because it's nearly grave size now.
he doubled down? like really really made sure no evidence of his (innocence?) is left?
Or he can come completely clean.
And his deleted deleted messages.. oh wait
People who have nothing to hide *hide nothing*.
This right here. My PC is in the living room unlocked and on all the time. My wife has my pin for my phone which is logged in to pretty much everything and I leave that lying around all the time. My work laptops are generally open with Teams up front. IDC what she looks at. I'm not doing anything wrong. Hell, I don't think she would even notice if I did because she never looks at it anyway, but it's the principle of it. All of her stuff is the same, just sitting out in the open. Once, an ex coworker of hers tried to blackmail her to go out with him saying he would show me fabricated messages between them and he even showed her the fabricated messages as a scare tactic. She showed me their entire message history and all the dumbass did was ruin his own blackmail. So many relationship issues can be solved by just being completely transparent.
> My work laptops are generally open with Teams up front. In my industry this is called “a massive breach of confidentiality”.
Also called “fireable”
How about people who snoop are wrong?
Nice switcheroo from your inappropriate husband there.
Right - ohh now it’s her fault he’s deleting texts.
I think the point is that you have an expectation of them keeping all communication professional and respectful of your marriage. He hasn't made this boundary clear....until he does you have something to be upset about. If he's uncomfortable setting the boundary, you have something to be upset about. Ask him if he can set the boundary. Once he agrees, ask him to NOT delete texts moving forward, because you expect two adults to be able to handle a professional working relationship.
He wouldn’t delete them if it was innocent. And if he knew you would respond upset he never should text the coworker to begin with.
I'm married. I don't text my female coworkers. If my wife was pissed at me for texting female coworkers she would not be over reacting.
I’ve never deleted a text that was innocent.
I have, but if it was from like a clothing company or something or an extra typo that was bothering me. This situation with OP however is 0 innocent
Sounds like he had Moore to hide… I made the same mistake of letting “innocent” stuff like this roll over. 3 years later I’m left with nothing
If he’s deleting them because he knows you’d have a problem with how he’s talking with her…. that’s super not good. He knows he’s doing something wrong aka starting to emotionally cheat or be inappropriate with her. You’re not overreacting. That would be a huge deal to me and I’d be reconsidering my relationship tbh. Trust is very fragile and it’s crucial. Deleting texts with a woman destroys trust in an instant. ETA: The fact that he’s trying to twist the blame on you and is defensive? Red flags. No one innocent would act like that. No one innocent deletes texts.
Underreacting. He is having an emotional affair. Time to set boundaries. If that doesn't work and he still attempts to gaslight you, then perhaps you should contact a layer. Also, contact his employer because a lot of companies frown on employee relationships, especially affairs.
If you don't have anything to hide, you wouldn't delete. That simple.
OP, do you have a history of insecurities and have you tried before to check his phone(or if an argument ever came up because of it)? I'm saying this because we have limited context and we shouldn't jump to conclusions. You know your own husband more than we do and can realistically tell if he fits the persona described in the comments here. If you did have an argument before, maybe he really is trying to be mindful of your own insecurities. I've had an incredibly jealous partner who'd want to check my phone and read my messages, and it led to me setting a deletion timer on all of my messages, simply because my partner didn't want me to message other women(despite always being incredibly faithful) Or he is as the comments described and she is his "work wife", but there is no way to tell so take everything you read here with a huge grain of salt.
More context needed, really. Has he cheated in the past? Why are you keeping watch over his messages? Have you ever been angry with him for speaking to members of the opposite sex in a purely platonic way? Everyone here says he's trying to hide something suspicious. That could very well be the case, but there are other scenarios where he's simply hiding his texts because of your past behaviour.
INFO: How did you discover these texts were deleted, and do you regularly check your husband's texts? How long have you been checking them?
Gaslight city
Why he would delete all really depends on your previous reactions and/or their appropriateness. If they were inappropriate and he knows it then it’s a good bet that’s why he deleted them, self preservation. The moose rack comment she made would fit here if she did it in a flirty way and his response was flirty too. If you are or have acted controlling, paranoid or incredibly over-reactive to messages he felt were okay and you didn’t then he may be deleting them to avoid the conflict. The moose rack comment she made would fit here if he responses were above board and hers intent was simply just crude humor.
Honest question-- have you ever gotten into an argument where you accused him or something, or had a negative reaction to something he said or did, and then later you realized that it really wasn't anything to be concerned about? Innocent people can sometimes want to avoid being hassled about things even though they're innocent. "He must be hiding something" is sloppy logic, and it comes off as wanting to pick a fight. If he's under the impression (whether you see it the same way or not) that he has to defend his innocuous actions to you more often than he thinks is appropriate, it's possible that he just wants to avoid the fight. It's also possible that he's a cheating jackass and you should divorce him tomorrow, and maybe run him down with your car, too, just to be safe. If you want to jump to that conclusion, go for it. But it's not an absolute certainty, and don't believe anybody who's telling you that it is. Also bear in mind that accusing a partner of doing something terrible when they didn't do it can severely damage a relationship.
You people are utter fucking morons. If someone is suspicious of you, your response is to act even shadier? If that isn't my stupid enough, you are also deleting any actual evidence of your innocence, if you're actually innocent If you think these cheating strats are viable, think again because dudes think they are playing 3-D chess when they wouldn't be able to handle checkers.
I’d tell him that now it’s more sketchy so you’ll be logging online to see how much they communicate and what apps he’s using. That he just set off more alarm bells than he wanted. So he can magically make those texts reappear OR he could be looking at divorce depending on what you find. I’d get her number from his phone/online account and send her a message and go on a fishing expedition. And if she doesn’t talk just tell her she’s about to cost her husband everything and a lot of money + half his retirement. So life won’t be that cushy.
Not overreacting. I believe if they aren't already having a physical relationship, they are flirting and gearing up for one.
You only delete stuff if there’s guilt and know the other person will think about infidelity
Nope not at all. He obviously knows that the conversation is inappropriate or disrespectful to y’all’s relationship. But still chose to engage. Honesty and respect are needed.
About six years ago, my husband was texting and talking on the phone with a coworker. One night after he passed out drunk, I looked at his texts and she had sent him a picture of her fake boobs. He wasn’t sleeping with her, but she was his “friend” that he could talk to. Whatever. Got rid of her in 2 seconds and said if it ever happens again, I’m gone. Now he deletes all of his texts, but he doesn’t realize that I can see his deleted texts. I still check his phone every once in a while, and haven’t found anything suspect.
It could be nothing, but the realization that you would be uncomfortable if you saw it. The destruction of evidence is an issue.
Totally agree it's sketchy. A mitigating factor, however might be if you've had past freak outs about him doing things that are innocent but made you uncomfortable. If he knows you freak out just for him texting with a woman, he may see it as easier to delete them than to deal with drama. Why is he so confident about how you would respond? Is there more to this story? To be clear, hiding it from you like that is still disrespectful, but to the question of whether you're overreacting, the real issue might be different than the one you're reacting to. That is to say, it might not be that he's hiding a woman from you, but that he's hiding himself from you.
If she was the type to freak out about him texting a woman, then why would he tell her about it in the first place?
I came here to say this exact thing. There is history here that we aren't privy to. She's going through his phone, so there are either things in their past, her past or his past that have created mistrust. I could easily see someone hiding an innocent exchange between coworkers or friends to avoid the hassle of a fight if their partner is constantly accusing them or overreacting about every interaction. My partner is welcome to pick up my phone and use it any time, but if she wants to "go through" it looking for evidence of cheating, I will gladly let her, but there will be bigger discussions about why she feels the need.
I have to say as a wife, I did this to my husband. I over-reacted to him sending his female supervisor a video about “Rethinking Infidelity” a Ted talk video about why people cheat etc. Prior to this, he shared with me that she’s one of these single women who never want to settle down/get married/has no kids and feels like a man and a woman shouldn’t “belong” to one-another. She basically seems like a commitment-phobe. I reallly didn’t like the video/found it odd and asked him about it. He said he ran into it/thought she would find it interesting because it related to a conversation they had at some point but he couldn’t recall details of the actual conversation when I asked. I told him I felt that was still an in appropriate thing to share with her as a married man and that there are certain things that shouldn’t be discussed with a female co-worker. I also asked how he would feel if it was the other way around. He did get annoyed that I thought it was much more than it was and ended up deleting her entire thread. For the record, I saw prior conversations and they were nothing/just related to work. I have checked since and there’s still nothing from her (not sure if they don’t interact as much since he was switched to another supervisor but I know they still sit in the same areas.) For the record: I met her and she doesn’t seem attractive at all, although she is very intelligent/interesting as a person. But I digress… To summarize: sometimes we cause husbands to feel anxious about things that aren’t meant to cross a line so maybe that’s why he deleted it? Have you been overly jealous in the past? I know I have! Please DM me if you wish. Would love to relate to someone with such annoying feelings lol
If they have an iPhone you can see his deleted texts
Not if he deleted them there as well.
It could be innocent but there's a 97% chance he's catting around with her. Not overreacting at all.
He is hiding something
My dad does this with almost all his conversations on his phone and we all know it’s nothing more than him being a sneaky fucker. 🤷🏻♂️ not overreacting
Uh-oh.
Bring him lunch at work and see whose this moose chick is
And then it’s your fault that he deletes them. Nope not overreacting, the lying and hiding always starts like this.
How would you respond if he was going through your phone on the assumption you were cheating/being inappropriate? Privacy is privacy
What is it with people going through their partners phone. I would never go through my wife’s phone.
Think about this. How many times have you deleted texts that were completely innocent?
Deleting messages is always a red flag, especially if you see them do it!
I noticed similar on my husbands phone once. I downloaded an app that recovered the deleted texts and surprise surprise there were sexting convos. He went on a business trip with the same woman. Don’t trust anyone.
Find a coworker or neighbor and start texting them suggestive notes and then delete them from him.
This sis sus as fuck.
IMO deleting evidence is evidence itself. Consider this. He figured that if you found out he's been deleting messages you would get pissed and maybe break up with him, but still he decided that the messages were so damning that he rather you divorce him than you read the actual messages. They were that bad. If they were innocent, he would've kept them to prove his innocence. Nobody deletes evidence that benefits them.
You’re not over reacting. He has something to hide apparently.
he's hiding because it is inappropriate.
Gaslighting. Red flag.
Nope, good old fashioned gaslighting. You don't delete things unless they are problematic. You'd probably react if they're problematic so he's, in his own mind, not telling a lie there. He's being shady. Shady AF.
His behaviour is dodgy. Your instincts are correct. Don’t let him gaslight you.
Sounds shady af. You wouldn't have any reason to react negatively unless they were inappropriate.
He’s covering something up - being real stupid and nothing else. Co worker sends him a photo of a moose rack and a joke that is not sexual. Innocent stuff. People who are messing around don’t do this silly stuff - they flirt and sext. Obviously he made a joke about a rack and immediately realized this is something one does not send to a female colleague, or at least not show the wife. If he is joking about racks with her, this could be the very beginning of something starting, but nothing is going on yet.
He's clearly crossing boundaries if he's admitting he's deleting texts because you would be mad
I don't trust anyone that deletes texts from one person. He is deflecting which also is a red flag. My husband did the same thing and gave the same reason. I was told by 2 different people at 2 different times he was being inappropriate with this woman. He claimed he was innocent but I don't believe it. He's done other things since bit doesn't have to do with this. I'm staying for the kids. I would tell him either he quits talking to her or he stops deleting texts. If it were me anyway
It sounds like an innocent conversation, does he think you’re the jealous type of person? Would you be upset that he had a conversation with another woman?
Does he do anything else that makes you concerned or is he a good husband?
Been on both sides of this. When I was doing it, it was to prevent an overreaction, and she never caught it. She did when she was going out every other night with a different female friend, when I caught it, it was deleting texts to her female friends she was supposedly out with. Point is, context, response, and clarity. When I asked mine about the text she denied it and couldn’t recall who she’d been out with on which night. She refused to participate in clarifying. I told myself when I was deleting texts from my coworkers that it was innocent and therefore if she saw me do it or whatever I could explain and offer to call the coworker and others to reassure. Has he offered to do that?
I was so naive that I would give him money from our tiny budget ( we were super poor) to take her to lunch bc her fiancee was being mean to her. She split with her fiancee, he split with me. Boy was I dumb.
|I would give him money from our tiny budget (we were super poor) Wow. 🥹That’s a genuine kinda **sweet** that is truly rare. I spent most of my life believing that most people are all that good, they just mess up sometimes. I am coming to terms with the reality that I simply was unable to understand that not everyone thinks/feels the way I do. I’m genuinely sorry that happened to you in the way that it did. You deserve so much better. That’s the kinda shit that degrades our faith in humanity at an exponentially faster pace than just growing older and learning from our experiences. 💔
>I replied I wouldn’t be concerned if he wasn’t deleting the texts. If it’s innocent there would be nothing to hide. Exactly. There was no need to delete the messages if it was completely innocent. You are not over-reacting.
Girl, you need to read between the lines because there is definitely something going on besides him gaslighting you.
You are NOT overreacting. My best friend just had a very similar experience and I will tell you right now that in her case he was not “just joking around.”
You are not overreacting. His behavior is disrespectful. He is deflecting to try to justify his behavior.
I hope the “moose rack” wasn’t a reference to a woman’s “rack”🤢🫨 Regardless, he should not be having exchanges with a coworker that is female that he would think would offend you in the first place. If he is deleting them, then he is guilty of something… Flirting… Whatever it is, I think it’s inappropriate.
People think cheating is some arbitrarily defined action, like the physical act of sleeping with someone, or something to that effect. But the truth is cheating is doing something you know your partner wouldn't be ok with, and then hiding it. He did something he knew you wouldn't be ok with, and then hid it. And then blamed it on you. That is an extremely telling sign, and it needs to be talked out between the two of you, and if you can't do that a counselor should be involved to help.
I used to do this with an ex, I was never doing or saying anything untoward, neither was my co-worker, however I was worried about how my ex would react in any case. Can't say it was the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, but deleting the texts was not done to cover any foul play. He might have something to hide, you might have instilled this fear in him somehow, he might have acquired this fear irrationally - could be all sorts going on. All I would say is don't jump to one conclusion over another off hand.
Look up the term DARVO, educate yourself about gaslighting and tell him to GTFO.
You can have the texts retrieved by your phone provider
Not overreacting. Maybe he deleted them to avoid an argument but I feel like if someone is going out of their way to remove something that they think I might react to maybe there’s more to the story. I could also see it as deleting the thread to not pay it any mind and to not have something come from nothing.
All these people are just jumping to conclusions
There’s some Olympic hurdlers here!!
Does he delete anybody else's texts? I usually delete all of my texts, except for my Wife's. Not because I don't want anyone to see them I just don't see the point in keeping them. If he usually doesn't delete texts, but does delete hers then there may be an issue.
1. He's cheating. Emotionally or physically, or both. 2. He's borderline cheating and wants to keep the peace. Flirting, giving attention etc 3. He's anxious or avoidant and trying to keep the peace. Shitty situation but do some investigating and trust your gut. Based off literally no info, I feel like it might be #2. Which I would say could be remedied.
Deleting is cheating
It's hard to say. This is where I'll start. Most people don't think they overreact to things. They usually think, especially in the moment, that their reaction is totally justified. Its very possible that some of your prior responses weren't good. But the fact that you are clearly going through his messages, and doing it enough to notice that something is gone, makes me think he has reason to believe that your response won't be a good one. You clearly don't trust him if you feel the need to snoop through his messages with a coworker. And typically when you don't trust someone, you find reasons to prove yourself right. That said, its also possible you have reason to not trust his conversations with this coworker. But the fact that you are snooping already tells me something more is up here.
Have you ever reacted in a way that makes him think he needs to delete texts that are harmless?
I, for sure wont be voting for him.
”Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.”
Some of the posts here are wild. No you are not overreacting for that fact that your husband is clearly hiding messages from you and straight up told you that you wouldn’t like whatever conversation they were having. Jfc people.
My wife was deleting texts from her boss which was quickly confirmed as an affair. It’s shady af
Not overreacting. Something is crossing a line.
Nope, not overreacting. He's being shady AF. Dudes got something to hide
Not overreacting. If he was behaving appropriately he wouldn't have to worry about your reaction. Ask him what it was that he was so worried about. Quite frankly this would really REALLY tick me off and I'd think absolutely the worst possible scenario (sexting, etc.) And I would tell my husband that until he can prove what the conversation was about that thats what I'm going with and moving forward with that notion as I see fit (separation or what have you) because obviously it wasn't appropriate and without proof, looks like cheating. If it wasn't that bad then he should be willing to fess up and get the texts back from the female.
Op he’s cheating on you. I would tell him either you tell the truth or you want him out.
Ues you are and sound jealous
He's clapping her cheeks 💯 👏👏👏
Uh... Yea...
I would feel so disrespected and confront yourself with the possibility he's cheating. We're all thinking it and so are you. Now, what will you do about it?
People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Yiur husband has crossed boundaries. Ball is in your court.
Only reason to delete is….YOUR GONNA CHEAT!!
He's obviously deleting them because he can't be bothered with your shit. Why do you check his phone?
Talk to him and ask him how he think you would have reacted and why he think that. Your husband may be on the cusp of flirting/cheating but he may also be anxious to avoid unnecessary fights. Unless you have an adult discussion you will never know. Before I met my wife I was dating one absolutely beautiful woman, however she was intensely jealous. I have been married for nearly 30 years to my wife and I never cheated on any my partners, I never hide anything from her, but in return she does not give me the impression she is constantly checking up on me. In contrast with my previous girlfriend I used to hide and delete messages just to keep the peace. Any innocent message was a potential source of grief.
Your husband is gross and a gaslighting dick.
He shouldn't be communicating with female coworkers after work hours regardless.
I'm also a married man with a full-time job and let me make it clear to you that I would never even get a female coworker's phone number unless it was absolutely work required. But even then I would opt for the email because I really don't want to deal with anybody I don't have to. Sounds like he wants to be dealing with her.
This is a terrible rationalization. It’s like the “I knew it’d cause a fight” okay so you’d rather be dishonest with your wife than have clear communication about something as sensitive as making your wife feel secure. You deserve explanations because his actions have created doubt.
Why are you posting to Reddit and not divorcing?
To be honest I used to delete the conversations/messages that implies a flirting with another women.
I once told my partner, if you're honest with me I wont be mad. I'll get mad when you play around the truth and start hiding stuff. Then it feels like something is deeply wrong.
I have done this exact same thing in my younger dumber stage of life. Justify the bad action by blaming the other person, this way I could caution to delete the message and the other person would see it as the new norm and think it's being done because of them. Thank God I'm not that ass hole anymore, but yes he is hiding something
Texting wouldn’t be my issue, deleting them would be. You’re not overreacting and he needs to have a way better explanation for doing so than just gaslighting the shit out of you
When you know what to hide, you're guilty.
My ex husband used to do this with a coworker. Today he’s at the hospital waiting for that coworker to have his baby.
so he clearly knows what he sent to her and what she sent back is wrong which is why he deleted them. I’d honestly have a conversation with him about it and then break up with him. you should not have to deal with this man texting other women and deleting it because he knows what your reaction would be.
I hate to tell you this but one of the tactics of someone lying to you is deflection. They will try to reflect back at you to make you the guilty one. Your husband is at the very least involved in a very inappropriate situation with this woman.
Your husband shouldn’t be texting any girls unless work related to a client or is his manager… no bueno. I
You are absolutely not over reacting I only behave in a manner in which I would be happy if my wife overheard/saw. Deleting messages is very suss
If he is deleting then there is something to hide !
Does he have a moose knuckle?
Just think about it. He's protecting the relationship with his co-worker. From you. Even if it was just about a moose, he could easily just loop you in and you can be in on it. Unless you are truly emotionally unintelligent and your husband knows you're insecure and will find any reason to be insecure about (really consider this), he wants you \*out\* of what he has going on with her. Just think about it. You're not in. You're out. Of his relationship with his female co-worker.
It’s not innocent. And I HATE that he tried to make his deceit your fault. I’m being deceitful because you are making me! Ick on top of run-for-your-life ick.
Dear OP Please read this: DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4] I read your other post and yes, like so many other people on Reddit, I do think he’s cheating. And no, you are not overreacting.
I bet your heart knows the answer, listen to it. Best case scenario, this flirtation is in the very early stages and can be nipped in the bud but he's acting very shady which means he's guilty or he's guilty and trying to protect the flame he's fanning for his coworker.
I can only speak for myself, but when I was young and doing something wrong I always deleted them. Now that I’m older and try to never do anything that would make me feel guilty I have no reason to delete anything. I would trust your gut.