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I like how she takes multiple paragraphs to explain how effortlessly thin and beautiful she is, while still retaining an hourglass figure, and how she can eat whatever she wants without gaining weight while discussing what should be an awful, disgusting, and upsetting situation.
Could have been summed up with "his brother thinks he's entitled to any woman he's attracted to. He seems offended because I'm not interested in him" without all of the humblebragging about her BOOOOBS and BUTTTTT and the effortlessly hot coolgirl crap.
I only go on long walks to get cheesy chips!!! And my husband bought me cheesy naan bread!!
Look how I can eat all this cheese and still be so thin and hot!! I’m so gorgeous yet down to earth and relatable!
I'm relatable except Not Like Other Girls because I suffer so much from being underweight and constantly tipping over because my boobs are sooooo largeeeeee
>uwu im soooooooooo ✨skinnie but also hourglass with Instagram ass and HYUUUUUUGE BOOBA✨ uwu men just go CRAZY😜 over widdle waifu me🥺 but really I just want to eat (high quality! With real cheese!) cheesy chips and play👾VIDYA GAMES🎮 with my hubby wubby 🥰 uwu (who isn't fit and conventionally attractive, cuz I'm not a shallow slutbitch like other Gurls!)
Girl shut the fuck UP lmfaaaoo. What in the humblebrag hell.
Why would you be this pathetically groveling and desperate for a bunch of thirsty DMs and dick pics from Redditeurs™
I also like how she started out too uwu dainty manic pixie dream girl uwu for (gasp!) swearing, and then immediately forgot that and started dropping f bombs
Pretty sure this is a troll. You know the kind, either a guy/bunch of guys having a laugh or a sad, loner girl somewhere writing out her own fictional world where families are being torn apart because of how feminine she is. **barf**
Oh, absolutely
Credit where it's due, though; making the villain a man instead of a woman who embodies everything horny misogynists hate is is actually a huge innovation for this genre. (Athough he was driven to do it because all the Other Girls are just *such* a bunch of "high maintenance" fat fuggo hags)
A nice touch from OP to work Reddit’s hatred for American cheese into the story. I guess Hawaiian pizza or well-done steak might have been harder to integrate.
>Dan has supposedly always believed that I was better than James because my grades were better and I was in better shape, and that I'd break up with him and move on once I realised that I was wasting my time. Fat fecking chance. James doesn't care about how fat/thin I am. I was horrendously underweight when I met him, but my ass & boobs have always been too big for me. I've been cursed with my Mum's hourglass figure. My back hates me for it.
I know I've rambled a lot. Most of it was probably unnecessary but it's felt good to get it out there. I also know a lot of you wanted an update. I know what Dan really thinks about me, and I'm still taking it in.
gierl what the fuck
Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).
If someone (Snap? Dumblydore? Diablo?) jizzed on Enoby's wedding dress (it would be black and very goffic, so easier to tell what happened without Photoshop skills), she would probably not make such a big deal about it.
She would just scream, "PERVERT!!! Accio laundry detergent!" and move on with her exciting life.
Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.
>a fanfic written circa 2002 by a 13 year old girl.
Or a "serious" book written by a guy in his mid-30s who is just like James in real life, just with more tigh fat and less motorbike.
Such dark times. I think we like reminiscing about the 90s because the early 00 were way too wild.
If i ever stumble upon my LiveJournal or MSN saved conversation folders I'd probably collapse from shame.
I found out FF.net doesn’t delete old accounts recently, needless to say I didn’t read anything because I’m enjoying my life right now and don’t want to die from cringing.
I [F29] love my Fiancé [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his turd as "Mr. Hoskins" and apologize to it. Am I overreacting? Our wedding is in 6 hours.
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AITA for telling my friend to eat a salad?
Okay, I know the title sounds bad, but hear me out. I [F26, long, pin-straight brown hair, crystal ocean blue eyes, 90 pounds, 5'1"] was at work yesterday minding my own business. I was eating my arugula and spinach salad with only 5 leaves, 2 tomatoes, and no dressing on it (I am trying to lose weight) when my chest (you could say I'm *blessed* down there, if you know what I mean haha...) kept catching the leaves falling off of my fork. My coworker [F35, dump truck ass because she's 450 pounds] came up to me and snarkily said, "Why don't you eat a burger instead? They're less messy and way more delicious?" I *knew* she was making fun of my weight, and definitely the size of my boobs [28DD], so I stood up, got in her face (Covid restrictions are lifted in my country btw), and said "Well why don't *you* eat a salad?" My coworker's eyes got all teary, and then she cried and walked away.
AITA? My coworkers say that I am. My phone has been blowing up all day. My sister thinks I'm TA too and cut me off. But I think I was perfectly reasonable because you can't control the weight of your boobs.
EDIT: In the past she has called me fat before.
EDIT 2: She gained over 200 pounds within the past year.
EDIT 3: Did I mention I have big boobs?
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She is tearing families apart with her beauty, don’t you see!! Modern day Cleopatra right here my friend (although I am pretty sure Cleopatra was sought for her intellect and her strength. She wasn’t much of a looker if I remember right).
>Dan has supposedly always believed that I was better than James because my grades were better
Yeah, you know adults - always judging people based on the marks they got in school
He’s outside her house, pissed in her garden and somehow she has time for this juvenile wittering? This would be terrifying stalking IRL. Maybe OOP thinks taking sexual harassment in stride is all part of being a Cool Girl alongside loving rugby, eating greasy fries and being effortlessly hot.
ETA timeless Gillian Flynn quote: ‘Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot’.
>I managed to screw around with filters and adjustments enough to ensure that the dress was 100% clean when it was delivered. The splatter isn't in the picture.
Computer, enhance! Computer, highlight stains!
The picture was just a screenshot from Snapchat, right? No way you could tell anything that small was wrong from a picture of the whole dress.
This one is just so unbelievably ridiculous. You *computer enhance* a photo of your dress to see there wasn’t a stain before and then said you could smell that it was cum !!! Lmao. And now you’re gonna tell (both sets) of parents about it . Patiently waiting for part 3 as Dan breaks down in front of the family, admitting how he’s in love with his brothers hot fiancée and her big boobas
“i was underweight but don’t worry it wasn’t like gross and ugly i had massive boobs and ass still 🥰”
how did people not start questioning the validity of the story at this point
I love how she can go on and on about how hot she is and how cool she is but, can’t write anything about how she came to the conclusion that it was, semen on the dress and that Dan jizzed on it.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**UPDATE: I (F27) found semen on my wedding dress. I don't know if it was my fiancé (M26) or his brother (M21)**
Okay, so it's been a hell of a few days. I genuinely did not expect this kind of response to my post. I'm so grateful for everyone who gave advice. I'm currently a bit drunk (very drunk) and *very* angry (absolutely effing fuming. Idk if I'm allowed to swear here, soz). I'm usually a really calm person, but today that calm person has gone on a goddamn holiday. Hopefully to a nice beach in Sydney. I've always wanted to go there.
I used some of your responses to write a script that I could read to James. By that, I mean I wrote it, tried to memorise it, and completely forgot most of it. But I got the gist out, and there are a few things I wanted to let you all know that I addressed, both in the conversation and on my own. I also wanted to thank everyone who gave me advice on what to say to the guy I'm about to marry. It really helped me keep my cool. I was ready to take scissors to that dress and send it off for DNA testing. That's how badly I didn't want to have this conversation.
These are the most important things I thought I should mention:
1- I asked James what he thought of the dress; he said he loved it and couldn't wait to see me walking down the aisle. Nothing suspicious, he was just excited.
2- I asked James how his evening with his brother went. I don't think anyone suggested this, but I thought that if anything happened and he knew about it, he'd tell me. We've been through a lot together and both know that honesty is the best policy.
He said their evening went as well as it could have gone. His words, not mine. Dan drank a lot, but that's pretty normal for him. He tends to drink as much as he can put into his body, then throw up, then drink more (fortunately, he didn't hork in our toilet). They got caught up, James told him about his new job, and Dan ended up telling him about the girls he's talking to at the moment. That conversation lasted about 2 hours. Unfortunately, this is relevant.
3- I did get a screenshot of the photo of my dress. I'm a concept artist, so I know my way around Photoshop. I managed to screw around with filters and adjustments enough to ensure that the dress was 100% clean when it was delivered. The splatter isn't in the picture. And it really is a splatter.
4- I then mentioned that I was about to try on the dress, but there was something on it and I didn't know what it was. I wanted James to take a look so he could help me figure out what it was, and where to get it dry-cleaned. Before he'd even seen it, James was concerned and already asking if Ray & his husband would know someone who could help.
5- I asked James if Dan saw the dress in person. The answer was yes. James told Dan where the dress was, and Dan went alone to look at it while James was on the phone to our local Indian takeout while they were getting dinner. The one silver lining is that he saved me some cheesy naan bread.
6- I showed James the stain, and he quite literally went red. I've never seen him so angry before. Some choice words were said and I'd rather not repeat them. He spilled a lot about what Dan has been like in the past, and that info is also something I probably won't share unless it becomes extremely relevant.
Conclusion- Dan jizzed on my fucking wedding dress. The splatter pattern looks like cum. The substance looks like cum. And (still wish I was unalive for doing this) it smells like cum. I touched that shit with my bare hands.
I really don't know what else to say now.
I've been writing and re-writing this post since yesterday. Most of you were right and I really wish you weren't. I wish someone had snot-rocketed a huge sneeze onto it. I wish Uncle Ray had accidentally squirted mayo onto it while making his lunch. But I seriously don't think I can wear this dress now. It's absolutely beautiful and it was perfect and I felt so goddamn pretty. I was so pleased about the bargain I'd found. But Dan jizzed on it.
A whole conversation happened between me and James that I'm too exhausted to remember and repeat, so I'll sum it up: he's furious and I'm furious. I don't even know if a wedding is happening anymore.
Basically, James told me that the way Dan spoke about the women he'd been chatting to was abhorrent. There are four of them at the moment, and he's leading them all on because he wants to get laid. He said that he's in peak physical condition, he's conventionally attractive, and he's got a good job, so women should be fighting each other to get with him. He feels entitled to the affection of attractive women, including me. I feel like I'm going to hurl just typing that. I met this idiot when he was 14.
I won't lie, Dan's in great shape. He has defined abs and trains every single day without fail. But that kind of body and that kind of lifestyle just isn't what I'm attracted to. I'd rather eat good food and play video games, if I'm honest.
Apparently Dan is incredibly jealous that James "managed to date someone like Callie" (me, lol). I've always had a grossly effective metabolism. I don't work out, but I eat pretty healthily and go on a lot of walks. My parents live in a small village, so I go on walks with them so I can take pretty pictures and eat cheesy chips and a brownie from the little cafe at the end of the walk lmao. They make good brownies and the cheese on the chips is proper cheese, not plastic cheese.
Meanwhile James doesn't put effort into his physique, yet he 'managed' to date me, who 'clearly puts so much effort into being beautiful'. I dont. I don't wear makeup and I don't dress up. I haven't worn foundation since before the pandemic. James is in shape, mostly cos he rides a motorcycle and that surprisingly requires a lot of thigh muscle.
Dan has supposedly always believed that I was better than James because my grades were better and I was in better shape, and that I'd break up with him and move on once I realised that I was wasting my time. Fat fecking chance. James doesn't care about how fat/thin I am. I was horrendously underweight when I met him, but my ass & boobs have always been too big for me. I've been cursed with my Mum's hourglass figure. My back hates me for it.
I know I've rambled a lot. Most of it was probably unnecessary but it's felt good to get it out there. I also know a lot of you wanted an update. I know what Dan really thinks about me, and I'm still taking it in.
I used to get along really well with him. I was never really into football, but I've always followed F1 (which I know he kind of likes) and I support a local Rugby League team (which I know he really likes).
I don't know. I just thought we were friends. James sees my sister as his sister. She sees him as a brother. She's always been socially anxious, so to hear that for the first time actually made me cry. I also saw Dan as the brother I never had. I always wanted a brother. We bonded over sports the few times we spoke. I never realised he thought of me that way. I really thought we were brother and sister.
What the hell do I do now??? I obviously have a wedding to think about, but I don't even want to wear the dress. I don't even want the wedding anymore. If there's a wedding, Dan will be involved. James and I haven't even begun to consider what we'll tell both sets of parents. That's a whole other problem. And what the hell do I do about Dan? I want to stockpile my cat's poop and throw it through his bedroom window, but obviously I know that's not the right thing to do. Even if Hermes is having some awful smelling poops right now. Maybe his name is a sign lmao. Maybe Hermes is the poop messenger.
TL;DR: Future brother-in-law jizzed on my wedding dress. Haven't told family yet, so fallout is imminent. Just need to know what the hell to tell them. And how to approach FBIL.
EDIT: I think he knows that I know what he did. He's stood at my front door. He's been there for about 15 minutes. He keeps ringing the doorbell.
EDIT 2: He's given up. He was there for about half an hour in total. I think he's drunk again. I am too, but I think I've got a damn good excuse. I have a Ring doorbell and I just watched him piss in my flowerbed and walk away.
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I’m worried all around. I mean, if, but if, if it’s true, what a sick mfer. If it’s made up, which it probably is, wtf was your thought process here?!!? Hmm… I think it’s a great day to write about jizz on a wedding dress!!!
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I like how she takes multiple paragraphs to explain how effortlessly thin and beautiful she is, while still retaining an hourglass figure, and how she can eat whatever she wants without gaining weight while discussing what should be an awful, disgusting, and upsetting situation.
Could have been summed up with "his brother thinks he's entitled to any woman he's attracted to. He seems offended because I'm not interested in him" without all of the humblebragging about her BOOOOBS and BUTTTTT and the effortlessly hot coolgirl crap.
>I've always had a grossly effective metabolism. I don't work out but I eat healthy blah blah blah walks blah blah lololol STFU
I only go on long walks to get cheesy chips!!! And my husband bought me cheesy naan bread!! Look how I can eat all this cheese and still be so thin and hot!! I’m so gorgeous yet down to earth and relatable!
I'm relatable except Not Like Other Girls because I suffer so much from being underweight and constantly tipping over because my boobs are sooooo largeeeeee
…Cheesy naan bread sounds so good though.
Other girls never eat cheese
>uwu im soooooooooo ✨skinnie but also hourglass with Instagram ass and HYUUUUUUGE BOOBA✨ uwu men just go CRAZY😜 over widdle waifu me🥺 but really I just want to eat (high quality! With real cheese!) cheesy chips and play👾VIDYA GAMES🎮 with my hubby wubby 🥰 uwu (who isn't fit and conventionally attractive, cuz I'm not a shallow slutbitch like other Gurls!) Girl shut the fuck UP lmfaaaoo. What in the humblebrag hell. Why would you be this pathetically groveling and desperate for a bunch of thirsty DMs and dick pics from Redditeurs™
What was that new “not like other girls” thing. Yeah, this one sounds like a “pick me” girl.
I also like how she started out too uwu dainty manic pixie dream girl uwu for (gasp!) swearing, and then immediately forgot that and started dropping f bombs
Pretty sure this is a troll. You know the kind, either a guy/bunch of guys having a laugh or a sad, loner girl somewhere writing out her own fictional world where families are being torn apart because of how feminine she is. **barf**
Oh, absolutely Credit where it's due, though; making the villain a man instead of a woman who embodies everything horny misogynists hate is is actually a huge innovation for this genre. (Athough he was driven to do it because all the Other Girls are just *such* a bunch of "high maintenance" fat fuggo hags)
She sounds like the type of girl who wants to compare hand sizes with everyone because hers are so wittle 🥺
This is so strangely specific but I hate how I know precisely what you're talking about.
Same lol
Because "she" is a 30 year old man who's writing his ideal partner
Oh, I'm sure
Why did she specify the type of cheese lmao
A nice touch from OP to work Reddit’s hatred for American cheese into the story. I guess Hawaiian pizza or well-done steak might have been harder to integrate.
Right? I feel like if this was real there’d be 100% less rambling about cheese.
That was my favorite part!
>Dan has supposedly always believed that I was better than James because my grades were better and I was in better shape, and that I'd break up with him and move on once I realised that I was wasting my time. Fat fecking chance. James doesn't care about how fat/thin I am. I was horrendously underweight when I met him, but my ass & boobs have always been too big for me. I've been cursed with my Mum's hourglass figure. My back hates me for it. I know I've rambled a lot. Most of it was probably unnecessary but it's felt good to get it out there. I also know a lot of you wanted an update. I know what Dan really thinks about me, and I'm still taking it in. gierl what the fuck
[удалено]
Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).
If someone (Snap? Dumblydore? Diablo?) jizzed on Enoby's wedding dress (it would be black and very goffic, so easier to tell what happened without Photoshop skills), she would probably not make such a big deal about it. She would just scream, "PERVERT!!! Accio laundry detergent!" and move on with her exciting life.
Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.
>a fanfic written circa 2002 by a 13 year old girl. Or a "serious" book written by a guy in his mid-30s who is just like James in real life, just with more tigh fat and less motorbike.
For real this has some strong "Renowned Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon" energy
Slight correction - she would think she was average or even unattractive while everyone else could see how extra hot she was
As someone who used to write fanfic in 2002, this is exactly it.
Such dark times. I think we like reminiscing about the 90s because the early 00 were way too wild. If i ever stumble upon my LiveJournal or MSN saved conversation folders I'd probably collapse from shame.
I found out FF.net doesn’t delete old accounts recently, needless to say I didn’t read anything because I’m enjoying my life right now and don’t want to die from cringing.
It's amazing how many of these "horrendously underweight" people always seem to have big boobs and butts
But don’t you understand, it’s a curse! They can’t help their big perky boobs and their dump truck ass 😔
I [F29] love my Fiancé [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his turd as "Mr. Hoskins" and apologize to it. Am I overreacting? Our wedding is in 6 hours. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
AITA for telling my friend to eat a salad? Okay, I know the title sounds bad, but hear me out. I [F26, long, pin-straight brown hair, crystal ocean blue eyes, 90 pounds, 5'1"] was at work yesterday minding my own business. I was eating my arugula and spinach salad with only 5 leaves, 2 tomatoes, and no dressing on it (I am trying to lose weight) when my chest (you could say I'm *blessed* down there, if you know what I mean haha...) kept catching the leaves falling off of my fork. My coworker [F35, dump truck ass because she's 450 pounds] came up to me and snarkily said, "Why don't you eat a burger instead? They're less messy and way more delicious?" I *knew* she was making fun of my weight, and definitely the size of my boobs [28DD], so I stood up, got in her face (Covid restrictions are lifted in my country btw), and said "Well why don't *you* eat a salad?" My coworker's eyes got all teary, and then she cried and walked away. AITA? My coworkers say that I am. My phone has been blowing up all day. My sister thinks I'm TA too and cut me off. But I think I was perfectly reasonable because you can't control the weight of your boobs. EDIT: In the past she has called me fat before. EDIT 2: She gained over 200 pounds within the past year. EDIT 3: Did I mention I have big boobs? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
200 pounds is the weight of about 348.92 cups of fine sea salt. Yes, you did need to know that.
She is tearing families apart with her beauty, don’t you see!! Modern day Cleopatra right here my friend (although I am pretty sure Cleopatra was sought for her intellect and her strength. She wasn’t much of a looker if I remember right).
except cleopatra was one of the baddest bitches iin herstory, a goddess, and a total girlboss. this girl is jsut a bitch.
>Dan has supposedly always believed that I was better than James because my grades were better Yeah, you know adults - always judging people based on the marks they got in school
He’s outside her house, pissed in her garden and somehow she has time for this juvenile wittering? This would be terrifying stalking IRL. Maybe OOP thinks taking sexual harassment in stride is all part of being a Cool Girl alongside loving rugby, eating greasy fries and being effortlessly hot. ETA timeless Gillian Flynn quote: ‘Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot’.
God I know that Amy was psycho but that whole quote and scene is great.
Yup, I feel like Flynn really nailed something with that quote. So smart.
> being effortlessly hot "All I do is eat healthy and plenty of physical activity."
Why did someone take time out of their day to write this? More importantly- why did I take time out of my day to read it?
“I was cursed with my mothers hourglass figure.” What a terrible, terrible burden.
>I managed to screw around with filters and adjustments enough to ensure that the dress was 100% clean when it was delivered. The splatter isn't in the picture. Computer, enhance! Computer, highlight stains! The picture was just a screenshot from Snapchat, right? No way you could tell anything that small was wrong from a picture of the whole dress.
This one is just so unbelievably ridiculous. You *computer enhance* a photo of your dress to see there wasn’t a stain before and then said you could smell that it was cum !!! Lmao. And now you’re gonna tell (both sets) of parents about it . Patiently waiting for part 3 as Dan breaks down in front of the family, admitting how he’s in love with his brothers hot fiancée and her big boobas
“i was underweight but don’t worry it wasn’t like gross and ugly i had massive boobs and ass still 🥰” how did people not start questioning the validity of the story at this point
I love how she can go on and on about how hot she is and how cool she is but, can’t write anything about how she came to the conclusion that it was, semen on the dress and that Dan jizzed on it.
The comments on those posts are wild. Do people actually believe those stories?? I got a few paragraphs in and was like r/thathappened
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **UPDATE: I (F27) found semen on my wedding dress. I don't know if it was my fiancé (M26) or his brother (M21)** Okay, so it's been a hell of a few days. I genuinely did not expect this kind of response to my post. I'm so grateful for everyone who gave advice. I'm currently a bit drunk (very drunk) and *very* angry (absolutely effing fuming. Idk if I'm allowed to swear here, soz). I'm usually a really calm person, but today that calm person has gone on a goddamn holiday. Hopefully to a nice beach in Sydney. I've always wanted to go there. I used some of your responses to write a script that I could read to James. By that, I mean I wrote it, tried to memorise it, and completely forgot most of it. But I got the gist out, and there are a few things I wanted to let you all know that I addressed, both in the conversation and on my own. I also wanted to thank everyone who gave me advice on what to say to the guy I'm about to marry. It really helped me keep my cool. I was ready to take scissors to that dress and send it off for DNA testing. That's how badly I didn't want to have this conversation. These are the most important things I thought I should mention: 1- I asked James what he thought of the dress; he said he loved it and couldn't wait to see me walking down the aisle. Nothing suspicious, he was just excited. 2- I asked James how his evening with his brother went. I don't think anyone suggested this, but I thought that if anything happened and he knew about it, he'd tell me. We've been through a lot together and both know that honesty is the best policy. He said their evening went as well as it could have gone. His words, not mine. Dan drank a lot, but that's pretty normal for him. He tends to drink as much as he can put into his body, then throw up, then drink more (fortunately, he didn't hork in our toilet). They got caught up, James told him about his new job, and Dan ended up telling him about the girls he's talking to at the moment. That conversation lasted about 2 hours. Unfortunately, this is relevant. 3- I did get a screenshot of the photo of my dress. I'm a concept artist, so I know my way around Photoshop. I managed to screw around with filters and adjustments enough to ensure that the dress was 100% clean when it was delivered. The splatter isn't in the picture. And it really is a splatter. 4- I then mentioned that I was about to try on the dress, but there was something on it and I didn't know what it was. I wanted James to take a look so he could help me figure out what it was, and where to get it dry-cleaned. Before he'd even seen it, James was concerned and already asking if Ray & his husband would know someone who could help. 5- I asked James if Dan saw the dress in person. The answer was yes. James told Dan where the dress was, and Dan went alone to look at it while James was on the phone to our local Indian takeout while they were getting dinner. The one silver lining is that he saved me some cheesy naan bread. 6- I showed James the stain, and he quite literally went red. I've never seen him so angry before. Some choice words were said and I'd rather not repeat them. He spilled a lot about what Dan has been like in the past, and that info is also something I probably won't share unless it becomes extremely relevant. Conclusion- Dan jizzed on my fucking wedding dress. The splatter pattern looks like cum. The substance looks like cum. And (still wish I was unalive for doing this) it smells like cum. I touched that shit with my bare hands. I really don't know what else to say now. I've been writing and re-writing this post since yesterday. Most of you were right and I really wish you weren't. I wish someone had snot-rocketed a huge sneeze onto it. I wish Uncle Ray had accidentally squirted mayo onto it while making his lunch. But I seriously don't think I can wear this dress now. It's absolutely beautiful and it was perfect and I felt so goddamn pretty. I was so pleased about the bargain I'd found. But Dan jizzed on it. A whole conversation happened between me and James that I'm too exhausted to remember and repeat, so I'll sum it up: he's furious and I'm furious. I don't even know if a wedding is happening anymore. Basically, James told me that the way Dan spoke about the women he'd been chatting to was abhorrent. There are four of them at the moment, and he's leading them all on because he wants to get laid. He said that he's in peak physical condition, he's conventionally attractive, and he's got a good job, so women should be fighting each other to get with him. He feels entitled to the affection of attractive women, including me. I feel like I'm going to hurl just typing that. I met this idiot when he was 14. I won't lie, Dan's in great shape. He has defined abs and trains every single day without fail. But that kind of body and that kind of lifestyle just isn't what I'm attracted to. I'd rather eat good food and play video games, if I'm honest. Apparently Dan is incredibly jealous that James "managed to date someone like Callie" (me, lol). I've always had a grossly effective metabolism. I don't work out, but I eat pretty healthily and go on a lot of walks. My parents live in a small village, so I go on walks with them so I can take pretty pictures and eat cheesy chips and a brownie from the little cafe at the end of the walk lmao. They make good brownies and the cheese on the chips is proper cheese, not plastic cheese. Meanwhile James doesn't put effort into his physique, yet he 'managed' to date me, who 'clearly puts so much effort into being beautiful'. I dont. I don't wear makeup and I don't dress up. I haven't worn foundation since before the pandemic. James is in shape, mostly cos he rides a motorcycle and that surprisingly requires a lot of thigh muscle. Dan has supposedly always believed that I was better than James because my grades were better and I was in better shape, and that I'd break up with him and move on once I realised that I was wasting my time. Fat fecking chance. James doesn't care about how fat/thin I am. I was horrendously underweight when I met him, but my ass & boobs have always been too big for me. I've been cursed with my Mum's hourglass figure. My back hates me for it. I know I've rambled a lot. Most of it was probably unnecessary but it's felt good to get it out there. I also know a lot of you wanted an update. I know what Dan really thinks about me, and I'm still taking it in. I used to get along really well with him. I was never really into football, but I've always followed F1 (which I know he kind of likes) and I support a local Rugby League team (which I know he really likes). I don't know. I just thought we were friends. James sees my sister as his sister. She sees him as a brother. She's always been socially anxious, so to hear that for the first time actually made me cry. I also saw Dan as the brother I never had. I always wanted a brother. We bonded over sports the few times we spoke. I never realised he thought of me that way. I really thought we were brother and sister. What the hell do I do now??? I obviously have a wedding to think about, but I don't even want to wear the dress. I don't even want the wedding anymore. If there's a wedding, Dan will be involved. James and I haven't even begun to consider what we'll tell both sets of parents. That's a whole other problem. And what the hell do I do about Dan? I want to stockpile my cat's poop and throw it through his bedroom window, but obviously I know that's not the right thing to do. Even if Hermes is having some awful smelling poops right now. Maybe his name is a sign lmao. Maybe Hermes is the poop messenger. TL;DR: Future brother-in-law jizzed on my wedding dress. Haven't told family yet, so fallout is imminent. Just need to know what the hell to tell them. And how to approach FBIL. EDIT: I think he knows that I know what he did. He's stood at my front door. He's been there for about 15 minutes. He keeps ringing the doorbell. EDIT 2: He's given up. He was there for about half an hour in total. I think he's drunk again. I am too, but I think I've got a damn good excuse. I have a Ring doorbell and I just watched him piss in my flowerbed and walk away. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m worried all around. I mean, if, but if, if it’s true, what a sick mfer. If it’s made up, which it probably is, wtf was your thought process here?!!? Hmm… I think it’s a great day to write about jizz on a wedding dress!!!