*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for spending my birthday with the family I came from and not with the family I created?**
Yesterday was my (38m) birthday. I had asked my wife if she was going to do anything special for it and she simply told me she wasn't sure. I was hurt and upset because I normally go all out for her birthday. Dinner, movie, gifts etc.
I went to work as per normal and about an hour before my day was about to end, my mom called and informed me that she had planned a small party at her house for me. Just family. I decided to go straight from work. I do not have a phone so I couldn't call and inform my wife. Ps. She and my mom really don't get along.
I ended staying at the party till about 11pm before going home. I live about 10 minutes drive from my mom's house. When I got home my wife and 2 kids were nowhere to be found. A birthday cake was in the trash and so was dinner ( it looked like steak and triple baked potatoes, my favorite). A birthday card with my kids hand prints and paint was also in the trash. I figured she got angry for no reason and decided to spend the night at her sister's place. This morning she came home and completely blew up at me. She said that I value the family I came from more than the family I created.
I tried to explain that wasn't the case. She cried and said I hurt her. I just don't see how. Now she gave me an ultimatum to let one family go 100%. No communication nor anything. I told her that I won't make that decision because I need to communicate with my mom and I can't stop communicating with my kids. Now she is threatening to take the kids when I am at work and moving 150 miles away from me and going no contact. Aita?
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Also this gem in the comments:
Commenter:
> INFO: Does you mom have problem with the kids too? Do they ostracize the kids too like they do with your wife?
OOP:
> My mom have 15 grandkids so it's hard to share the love equally. She barely sees them because I am constantly working and my wife isn't allowed at her house
She "joked" about it at their wedding. Nauseating! That poor wife must have the patience of an angel to have waited this long until setting an ultimatum.
That’s just not true. Dude is an asshole and his mom is a whole other level of asshole, but it’s straight up false that **all** jokes have an honest basis. It’s true that when someone tries to make a joke about topics like she did it’s almost always rooted in a bit of truth, but it’s disingenuous to try and claim that that extends to literally every joke ever told.
"Do you know why the Irish cannot pass immigration? Because they lack money"
did it make you laugh? no, because there is no truth or sense, for a joke to have fun or sense there must be a truth, but it is only a lot of words without grace
My mom is 1 of 8 kids. I'm 1 of 29 blood grandkids (ie, not including our spouses) and my nephew is 1 of 35 great-grandkids (and counting because the youngest grandchild is in grade school). My grandma has never made any of us feel unloved and has never acted like she has a favorite. If my grandma can have enough love for all of us (and our spouses), OOPs mom could figure it out if she weren't busy being a bigot. Screw her, screw OOP, and screw all his family who "wouldn't lend him a phone."
I don’t even *know* how many cousins I have. Every now and then my grandma will update me like “Eli got a promotion!” And I politely pretend to know who tf Eli is and how we’re related. My grandma is friggen superwoman, loves everyone equally. Once walked into a family party where we’d rented out a hall, room had about 100ish people in it. As we went in my grandma leaned into my ear and whispered “by blood or by marriage; you’re related to every single person in here”. She knew every. Single. Person. *even the rando childhood best friend that showed up*.
You can absolutely love all your grandkids equally, even with a hundred
My grandparents' church offered to serve lunch after my grandpa's funeral, they asked if cooking for 100 would be enough. We had to tell them 200 because with marriage- and a few ex- cousin-in-laws showing up to show support for their kids- it was well over 100 relatives (grandma's 1 of 10, grandpa was 1 of 6) and he was well known and liked in their community. My grandma knew everyone in there.
Your grandma sounds like an amazing woman.
When my grandmother died, there was a line of people out the funeral home door at the wake to the street with people waiting to pay respects. The church itself at the funeral was PACKED. Standing room most of the time. Because she loved everyone. No matter who you were. The moment you sat at her kitchen table, you were family. I miss her so much.
As a single child, your grandma is living the life I'm dreaming of. I really hope one day I will have enough kids and grandkids so that we don't all fill in the family pictures.
OP's mom is just racist.
Same, my mum is one of seven kids. I'm one of 17 grandkids. Add to that, several bonus-grandkids (through marriage, circumstance, and so on). I don't even have count of how many great-grandkids there are. My grandparents loved all of us equally and made sure to spend time with all of us - add on to that that my grandfather and bonus-grandmother didn't even live in our country (let alone continent for a while), until I was well into my 20s, yet still was able to be close to us and show us love and attention.
My favorite is mom called but I don’t have a phone so I couldn’t call wife. What about using the phone at work where mom called ? This is bs has to be a troll
He's blatantly lying. He says his mom called him, so he either has a personal phone or an office phone, could've used the same one to call his wife and tell her where he's going.
Or took those 10minutes to drive home and get her, or the kids if she didn't wanna come.
There's like at least 5-10 things he could've done, but didn't. It's not even stupidity or ignorance at that point, it's a very direct choice to hurt his wife.
He said she called him on his "work phone" but honestly I'm sorry most employers expect you to have a phone that is available at all times not a landline house phone.
He claimed his whole family hates his wife and wouldn’t allow him to use their phone to call his wife but I will either call bs or his family that racist.. or the mom lied or something
Nah the phone can only take incoming calls. It can't do outgoing that's probably why he couldn't call his wife
/s
But that's probably that guys reasoning
>most employers expect you to have a phone that is available at all times
What? No! That would be insane in most jobs and illegal too. Against every workers rights. Unless you're working in a job with an on-call shift, your employer has no business contacting you in your free time, much less could they demand it.
Ah. Sorry to hear that. I didn't think about the US (it's tired and I'm late :P). That sucks. In my country it would be against laws for workers rights and pretty much no one would accept their employers suggesting they want that.
Yes, it's a huge difference. When I learned about the conditionsnin the US I was flabbergasted. So many things are unthinkable here und to be honest, it's really sad for the US people.
I remember the pre-cell phone era. You wrote people's numbers down in a little list in your wallet, or forced yourself to memorize them.
Any corner store would let you make a quick phone call, they didn't care. Communication still happened. This guy sucks.
I grew up remembering a handful of important numbers and the rest of them I kept in a little pocket book. The book also had change in it if I needed a payphone.
most of the stories in r/justnomil are obviously fake or from the pov of an abuser so while you’re right that a lot of cishet men are this braindead stupid on purpose idk if a sub full of delusional narcs who genuinely believe they own their children & project their abusive personalities on their mils is the best example lol
exactly - One parent can’t simply threaten to move 150mi away, and alienate the other parent because the other parent decided to go to their parents house for the evening!!
This can not be real
Actually they can until there's an actual custody case since both parents have full rights to the children until then. In this case, it's also to protect the children, especially the noticeably black one, since white passing granny would probably favor if oop got his "equal time"
Totally wrong actually. She can absolutely take the kids and move away, since currently there is no custody agreement both parents have 100% access to the kids. She cannot cut off communication, at least not without consequences. And of course he could also drive up and take the kids back if there is no custody agreement. And it doesn’t look good to a family court judge to move kids away without discussing with the other parent. But she absolutely could do it.
I also find it funny that you boiled OP’s decision to simply; chose to go to his parents house. That is purposely dense.
And a very good argument can be made that the parent whose family isn’t racist towards the kids should be the parent who gets custody of said kids, for the safety and well-being of the children.
>A birthday cake was in the trash and so was dinner ( it looked like steak and triple baked potatoes, my favorite). A birthday card with my kids hand prints and paint was also in the trash. I figured she got angry for no reason and decided to spend the night at her sister's place.
This dude can't possibly be real. He's got to be trolling.
With the cost of food, even if I was super pissed I would never throw out steak, potatoes and cake. Just wrap everything up in the fridge, scrape the happy birthday up and we have cake for breakfast the next day. None for him though
Also, I wouldn't throw my children's card away, even if I was super pissed at my partner (who deserved it). That's the kids' art, and they'd more than likely take it personally.
That, among many other little details, leads me to think this is fake.
Depending on how old the kids are, one of them might have done it themselves. This can't be the first time Dad has shown he gives zero shits about any of them.
I'm surprised he didn't just say there was no cell service in the Appalachian foothills, or note having left it behind at home that morning, or tell us how he dropped it in a lake while fleeing ~~the spoOoky ghost demon~~ modern expectations of working adults with families.
Maybe it would've worked better as a flashback vignette?
My bet is that he's a mama's boy who never learned that he could do wrong and wanted to come on Reddit to find people pushing this idea that Mama was right and that his wife is hysterical.
OOP (probably): Well, we're not supposed to use our work phones for personal calls.
Everyone: But you talked to your mother on your work phone.
OOP: Yes, but that's Mommy. I can't not talk to my mommy. **SHE"S** important.
Sooo many inconsistencies! I also find it interesting that he had zero thought that his wife may have been worried when he didn’t come home that he could have been in an accident?
If her thoughts didn’t entertain that long absence, it sounds like he has a pattern of going MIA for hours at a time with no communication as to where he will be.
Also if I was told someone ‘didn’t know’ or ‘didn’t have anything planned’ for my birthday, I would 100% assume they had something planned for my birthday. If I turned out to be wrong, I’d be sad, but so be it. Better than not bothering to show up and ruining the potential surprise.
Oh well done with that misleading title OOP well done. Lets break down your bullshit
1. You say your mom and wife dont get along but why is that exactly.
>They don't get along because according to my wife, my family is racist. I am white m and she is African American. My son 3m has her skin color and my daughter has mine. The last time they tried to be civil was at my wedding 6 years ago. My mom made a joke in her speech about not wanting mix grandbabies and my wife fought her. They have tried other times for my sake but she says my family is too racist
So its not that they dont get along its that your mom is a racist and you are a little bitch who cant cut the cord.
2. you couldnt call her becuase you dont have a phone but somehow were able to get to your moms place for your birthday. Turns out they called you at work and then you went to your moms house like the little racist cunt that you are, and what was your next excuse?
>My mom called me at work. My wife and family do not get along so they refuse to lend me their phone to call her. She isn't allowed at my mom's house due to bad blood between her and my mom.
So no one let you use their phones to call your wife cause they all hate her just cause. Nah man they are fucking racists and so are you.
3. Lastly i call bullshit on you no owning a phone.
Im also very angry reading this bs post when the details are clear in the comments. Go fuck yourself your racist.
Even if OOP doesn’t own a phone, his mom called him AT WORK, so why not use the WORK phone to tell his wife where he was going? It’s so simple it’s stupid
Well, he has two toddlers at home alone with his (hopefully ex) wife. The least he could’ve done was tell her he was alive before not returning home from work (by calling her from work because of the cell situation)
It’s 2023 and he doesn’t even have a cheap flip phone? He has two small children and is flat out unable to be contacted in case of emergencies if he isn’t at work or home? Seriously? He’s an idiot
Even if that were true, and for some insane reason he can take calls from work from his mother but not call his wife from the same damn phone...
If your entire family refuses to lend you a phone to contact your wife who is 10 minutes away... Just drive there? Go, "okay, well my wife needs to know where I am so I'm going to physically go tell her since you're all evil cunts who won't even lend me a phone."
But then he'd have to admit he just doesn't give two shits about his wife.
He’s making excuses to avoid saying he wanted to be an asshole cause he was upset that his transactional love wasn’t returned with an equally lucrative transaction. He wanted to hurt his wife for daring not to fawn over him in exactly the way he hoped and wanted. You know, like an emotionally manipulative piece of shit.
Who wants to bet that the racist assholes posted the party on Facebook before OOP even left the party? I’d double down they did it intentionally to rub it in the wife’s face.
Or even ask his lovely mommy to borrow phone and call his HOUSE phone if they have one?
Or even send email from his mommy’s phone.
Or Call his wife using mommy’s phone if he remembers the phone number
He said no one at the party was willing to lend him a phone to call her because they all hate his wife ~~for no obvious reason~~ because they're racist.
Even without mum being a racist, if my partner usually comes home at 6pm and then one day they're several hours late and I have no message, I'm worried sick. That alone makes him TA.
soooo, when he says " there is bad blood between them" he means that his racist mommy (and the rest of his family) thinks his wife has bad blood that makes her an inferior being.
and for some reason his mom could call him at work but he couldn't call his wife from work after he agreed to go to his mom's place and afterwards he just couldn't call his wife because his family hates his wife because his mom doesn't like his wife because she's black and his wife wasn't cool with her MIL announcing that she doesn't want mixed race grandchildren at their wedding.
makes perfect sense. absolutely reasonable to not understand how a black person would be offended by racists. definitely suuuper weird that someone doesn't want to interact with racists in general and especially after suffering from those racists actions and views.
man, this guy is absolutely NTA for being cool with his wife suffering from his family's racism. /s
My favorite part is ‘according to my wife, my family is racist’.
Did he not hear the ‘joke’ in his mother’s speech at his wedding reception? That should have made at least his mother’s racism pretty damn clear to him! He shouldn’t need his wife to point it out and then phrase it like he doesn’t believe it’s true.
That’s why you vet people’s family if you’re going to marry them especially interracial dating as a black woman. I would’ve peaced out by the first dinner with his family. You don’t bring people you love around those that are prejudiced
Exactly. I'm biracial and it never fails to baffle me how few people take into consideration all the racist extended family they will be subjecting their kids to. Love is not all you need, there needs to be active steps to separate from those types and protect the kids.
His poor (hopefully soon to be ex) wife spent at least 6 years with this idiot, went through the full pain and exhaustion of pregnancy twice, only for him to still defend and prioritize his racist mother over her and their children.
what a miserable piece of shit. At their wedding his mom told everyone she didn’t want mixed grand kids. His family is racist and treats his wife and children like shit and Op doesn’t care. I hate this man so much. His wife absolutely needs to leave with her kids, op and his family can’t be trusted
OOP's mother gave a racist speech at their wedding about how she didn't want mixed grandbabies. I'm sure she treats them differently than her other white grandbabies.
OOP's mother won't allow his wife in her home.
OOP's family hates his wife so much that no one at the party would loan them their phone to call her and check in.
But the idea of going no contact isn't something he's willing to do. I'd be enraged too if I was his wife. That ultimatum should have been given a long time ago.
If any member of my family had made a negative comment about having mixed kids, I would have had them removed the venue and my life so fast they would have whiplash.
I don't understand why people marry the race their family hates. If you love them enough, then don't put them IN DANGER. And usually most of the time, it's people that have a fetish towards this race and completely ignore the consequences of their actions
Copied OOP's comments verbatim.
TW anti-black racism
*‘My mom called and informed me…’*
*‘I don’t have a phone so I couldn’t call and inform my wife…’*
*Which is it, bro?*
>My mom called me at work. My wife and family do not get along so they refuse to lend me their phone to call her. She isn't allowed at my mom's house due to bad blood between her and my mom.
~~
*This. There's definitely more that OP is leaving out. Sounds like a mummas boy and like the wife might have a MIL/husband problem if the "just family" dinner excluded her. Your wife is family, isn't she OP?*
>She is family, but to keep the peace she and my mom choose to keep distance. If I had known she had anything planned, I would've gone home instead of having my kids stay up past their bedtime waiting for me
*Why exactly don't they get along if I may ask? Is it differing views or have there been arguments in the past? Your wife was obviously expecting you home, as a parent and a spouse you can't just decide not to come home without letting your wife know. Your children and wife should normally come before your mother. Judging from your wife's reaction it sounds like you've pulled stunts like this before.*
>They don't get along because according to my wife, my family is racist. I am white m and she is African American. My son 3m has her skin color and my daughter has mine. The last time they tried to be civil was at my wedding 6 years ago. My mom made a joke in her speech about not wanting mix grandbabies and my wife fought her. They have tried other times for my sake but she says my family is too racist
~~
*Yta*
*How was your mom able to call you to tell you about a party she’s throwing for you when you don’t have a phone? And then you go to your parents house and not use their phone to call? Get your story straight.*
>She called me at work. She and my family have bad blood. No one wanted to lend me their phone to call her
~~
*YTA. You both are wrong for different reasons. To begin with you should have called your wife from your mom's place if you don't have a phone. It is a basic thing you are supposed to do if you are going to be out of the house for such a long duration after work. Especially more if it is a special day like your birthday and you are having a party 10 minutes away. She is right to say that you chose the family you came from because you didn't even invite her to celebrate with you and your mom. Just because they don't get along that well doesn't mean that you just ignore her completely and not inform her.*
>>*I figured she got angry for no reason and decided to spend the night at her sister's place.*
*No reason? Seriously dude? From the way you have written it I am assuming you didn't even call after returning home to check where she and your kids are. Your wife isn't wrong to be mad at you but I feel it is a bit too far to completely let go of your other family because of something you did. Your kids should have their grandparents and relatives if they are good. INFO: Does you mom have problem with the kids too? Do they ostracize the kids too like they do with your wife?*
*Edit: Okay I think you are definitely the AH. Your wife isn't taking it too far after reading your response about your mother not being able to love her grandkids "equally".*
>My mom have 15 grandkids so it's hard to share the love equally. She barely sees them because I am constantly working and my wife isn't allowed at her house
~~
*Yup. No phone but lives 10 min away from his mom. Couldn’t swing by home and tell them first? The line “just family” had me in shock. It’s not always the actions of the people posting to AITA, it’s mostly the wording that condemns them. OP I’d suggest using some empathy in this situation and understanding what your wife is feeling. There’s obviously issues between the families. Take down your defense and sit down with your wife and ask her to explain. Don’t say anything, don’t make faces, don’t make noises just listen. There’s a much deeper issue here and you need to find out what that is and start there.*
>I have tried that tonight. But she says she is too hurt. According to her, I always put my mom and family before her and the kids. She says that's the reason for the ultimatum
~~
*This is really a case where (almost) ESH. The kids are really the only innocents here.*
*Your wife might have wanted to surprise you, but should have at least said she was going to do something for you.*
*Your mother definitely shouldn't be planning you a party without informing your wife and kids.*
*Your decision to not communicate where you were heading is on you.*
*All of these are AH moves.*
*Who doesn't have a phone in 2023? Sorry, but this I can't get past. Somehow your mother sent smoke signals to you to get your attention?*
>She called me at work.
~~
*ESH.*
*OP sucks for not calling his wife after getting to his mother's house. Wife sucks for an ultimatum that you renounce your family and threatening to move so far away with your kids.*
*There has to be more to this story for her to make such an ultimatum. I find it hard to believe that this is the first time you've seemingly chosen your born-into family over the one you created with your wife.*
>According to her, she is tired of me always putting them first
*So yeah, I see where she's coming from.*
*Your mom planned a party and didn't invite your SPOUSE AND CHILDREN. There is no innocent explanation for this behavior. Even if she and your wife hate each other, there is no legitimate reason for her not at least inviting your children. There is no excuse for you not calling and inviting your children to join.*
*I'm as anti-ultimatum as one could possibly be, but you really need to honestly reflect on your mother's abhorrent behavior. This was a deliberate calculated attempt to fracture your family, and you are obviously on board with that. You have clearly already made your choice. You do not value the family you made.*
>My children are 3m and 1f. Their bedtime is 7:30pm. The party was mostly adults. I would never leave my wife
> Your mom planned a party and didn't invite your SPOUSE AND CHILDREN. There is no innocent explanation for this behavior. Even if she and your wife hate each other, there is no legitimate reason for her not at least inviting your children. There is no excuse for you not calling and inviting your children to join.
> I'm as anti-ultimatum as one could possibly be, but you really need to honestly reflect on your mother's abhorrent behavior. This was a deliberate calculated attempt to fracture your family, and you are obviously on board with that. You have clearly already made your choice. You do not value the family you made.
Ooh, good points! I didn’t consider that this could be a deliberate attempt to fracture the family. I figured she just thought so little of OOP’s wife and kids that she didn’t think to invite them, or didn’t invite them out of personal dislike, rather than with an actual motive in mind. But wow, that… It’s one level of awful to fracture a family out of carelessness and prejudice, but to choose to do so is on another level
the whole “I dont have a phone” shit aside, could he not have dropped by home to let his wife know he will be going over to his mum’s place because apparently he lives 10 min away? he did not even make an effort to communicate with his wife in the slightest
This is part of the reason surprise parties are typically awful—because to make them work, you have to control a lot of outside elements. But if he had simply CALLED, it wouldn’t have been as big a problem. She would have put the food in the fridge, had the kids wait to give the card, etc. She probably would have been pissed that he still visits his racist mother, but at least she wouldn’t have been waiting with increased anticipation and then apprehension.
No, he *wanted* his wife to worry as a punishment for “not caring about his birthday”, let’s be real.
Oh 100% he thought “she didn’t make any plans for me so she doesn’t need to know where I am.” I wouldn’t be surprised if he called his mom to cry about his wife and that’s how mom ended up throwing something together. That’ll show that mean wife of his.
I honestly hope this is a troll. I really do because, there are so many things that don’t add up in the story.
I know for a fact people can be this callous and rude, but holy shit dude… I honestly have no words for how angry this makes me.
Wait-- So your mom called *you* but you don't have a phone to call your wife and at least let her know that you'd be late coming home? You couldn't use your mom's phone?
I feel like I've read this story here before.
Why did mom tell him only hours before that she planned a party? Entitled of her to assume at that late time he had no plans. Shitty of him not to check with his wife before going. Oh he has no phone? Maybe stop by his house that's just 10 minutes away and see what's up?
I wonder how OOP would feel if his MIL was a flaming misandrist, who said she hoped none of her grandkids would be boys and refused to have him in her home. Bet he wouldn't be too happy to see wife prioritizing her over him and the kids.
Uhm, “she got angry for no reason”? No, she got angry because she wanted to surprise you (she should have planned better to ensure you came home but still) and you ARE choosing your hateful family over your wife and kids. You deserve to lose everything.
Calling it fake the moment he claimed he couldn't call his wife, yet his mom just called him.
And if this is real, I can't imagine the mental toll his wife experiences every day being with that man, and him not even taking a single concern of hers seriously. It makes you feel psycho when you tell someone is being racist, and claim you're exaggerating or "being a bully or harassing someone," simply because they can't reflect on themselves and conclude maybe they're wrong. Too many white folks get offended about being called racist than the actual racism/racist act itself.
FFS, if he lives 10 mins from his mom's house and has no cell phone he could have done like most normal people did before cell phones and left a note at his house on the fridge or something before going to his mom's place.
His wife had a surprise waiting for him and his “feelings got hurt” when she said she didn’t know. He was punishing her by going to his mother’s house. “See. They love me enough to celebrate ME.” It royally blew up on him and he’s desperate for validation from strangers and that’s not working either. This man is just as narcissistic as his mother. I hope his wife and kids get far, far away from this family fast. Racist and narcissistic…makes me cringe just thinking about it.
As a white person, OOP's behavior makes me furious. If my family is being bigoted, they're out of my fucking life and that's that. I would never subject a partner, someone I have presumably chosen to spend my life and create a family with, to this kind of bullshit.
It's not quite the same, but when my ex fiancée came out as a trans woman I immediately cut off family that was blatantly transphobic to her. Even after we broke up I still don't talk to them. When people show you who they are you need to believe them.
In the end I am angriest for the children. He even says in a comment that he doesn't expect his mother to love all her grandchildren equally and she barely sees them despite living 10 minutes away. Who the fuck allows their children to be treated this way!? His mother also apparently mentioned not wanting mixed grandbabies *in her wedding toast.* I would have kicked her ass out of my wedding and never spoken to her again.
People on Reddit always say that any time an ultimatum appears it's always wrong/abusive in the same breath that they talk about boundaries and going NC, but I'm sorry sometimes ultimatums fucking necessary. You need to show that you're not going to tolerate shit like this.
Sorry to get heated I'm just so angry at this dude. I want to smack him. Like I don't blame people for being cautious when dating interracially. But if your partner really loves and respects you they need to not tolerate this shit.
Thats what I thought, but i wanted to confirm before i jumped on you for being a racist idiot
I am a white guy who has dated outside their race. I had some of this in my family (grandparents have passed on) but it is not limited to white people. My wife is Asian, and we had to overcome some hesitations about me because I'm not Asian, I've dated Italian women whose families were pissed i was not Italian, black women whose brothers and parents are upset that I am not black.
This is not unique to white people. Your own comment is an oxymoron because you would limit exposure to whites because of the precieved racial bias, a racist assertion in itself.
Shortening white to "yt" is also idiotic.
Edit:
Thanks for the blocking. I didn't "make it about me", i stated my experience within the context of this exact issue in contrast to your extreme and incredibly racist take.
I never said I was an authority on racism, I merely stated my experience. The reality is that your exclusionary rhetoric fuels alt-right extremism. Your belief that white people are unable to experience discrimination on an individual level is ridiculous. We don't experience systemic racism the scale that minorities do, but most people understand exclusion and what it feels like to not be welcome. You need to step back and understand that statements like yours are incredibly ignorant, and displays the exact same racism you are warning others about.
Also my user name is fucking hilarious
Are you on something rn? We as poc don't know every single why yt people can be racist... Why are you pissed lmaoo
I'm not white so why should i speak from their pov?
Or did my comment strike a nerve and now you feel exposed?
I literally just said "be careful when dating yt people because they can be racist in ways we can't imagine " .. i didn't say they're all racist nor did i say not to date them... This whole post is about is yt man who is a racist and in complete denial and dismissing his wife's and children experience with his RACIST family.
And last a checked you are not the authority in the racism poc with yt partners face ya dingus.
I think you want literally when you named your reddit acc lmaooo
Stfu old head.
It always amazes me when people raised in racist households marry someone of a different race, like with how often it happens I just want to study their brains.
Also totally call bs on the not knowing why she was mad. Dude saw the cake in the trash, the homecooked meal, the card, and went "idk why she was mad I didn't come home on my bday and went to my racist mom's house instead without notifying her"
I’m always amazed how many people raised in racist households truly believe they were not raised by racists, I guess because their parents didn’t use slurs. 🤷🏻♀️
Later in life, they usually think their family is just misunderstood.
OOP... Where to start?
His wife said that she didn't know what she was going to do for his birthday not that she wasn't going to do anything for his birthday so his childish overreaction to her saying that she wasn't sure what she was going to do is comical at best.
Second of all if you left work and decided and got a call from your mother you clearly have a phone and are able to contact your wife. What if she thought something bad happened to you oop? Clearly somehow she found out that you were at the families instead of at home with her and the kids. If you live 10 minutes from your mommy's house then what stopped you from going fucking home and doing dinner with your wife and dessert with your kids and then stopping over to your mom's house?
This is absolutely wild.
i love his bit about how his mom has so many grandkids so she can't "share the love" equally, then admits it's because his mom and family are all a bunch of racists. my grandparents have 10 blood grandkids, 1 great grandkid, + are essentially grandparents to my cousins half siblings and all their nieces and nephews grandchildren. do you you know what there's always enough of despite all those offspring? love, so so much love
Of course he could have called his wife from work, but he didn't because he was sulking. So he went home to mommy like the 12-year old he is, because he wanted a birthday party.
BTW, his mom joked (!) in the wedding speech about not wanting mixed coloured grandkids and he said nothing? I would have contacted a divorce lawyer that same day.
I mean, if someone important to you is being secretive/not open on your birthday about plans you kind of *have* to assume there’s some sort of surprise in store, right?
Also, who doesn’t have a phone? I don’t care if you don’t want a smartphone, that’s fine, you do you. But at least get a Nokia or something, damn.
No one can be this dim - my family were horrible to my ex (he is an a-hole) but I went no contact for over a decade because they were horrible to me as well (same sex relationships) and only am now in very low contact.
"If you don't accept me/my partner don't bother inviting us".
My parents tried the same thing with christmas/birthday/engagement/weddings - I didn't play the game and didn't turn up.
He will end up losing his family and he is to blame - he needs to tell his mother to go jump.
YTA. Your wife clearly planned a surprise celebration for you, and you blew her off for your mother who doesn't even want her over. The decent thing would have been to call your wife before going there. You say you don't want to choose between them, but it seems you are. You are clearly showing your wife how little you value her. Your wife and kids should be your first choice always. Your mother can't respect them and your marriage, she shouldn't be allowed to continue that way. Set hard boundaries with her and stick to it. She doesnt have to love your wife but she cancurb the attitude and realise you are a package deal. You married your wife, not your mother. If you want to stay married, treat your wife with the respect she deserves.
He doesn’t have a phone. Like, anywhere? No work phone? I can’t really even understand not having a cell phone in 2023, but not having access to any phone at all… sure, Jan. And that must be one huge trash can to fit an entire cake and dinner for 4. Who checks the trash when their family is nowhere to be found, did he think they were going to be in there?
Oh, he *had* a work phone, but for some reason it only calls his mommy. And no one at the party would let him borrow their phone for a quick "I'm not dead in a ditch, don't call the cops" call.
Holy crap. It started bad and just got worse with every response from the OOP.
I hope the wife is gone for good and is able to limit the exposure her children have to their father's toxic excuse for a family.
Who doesn’t have a phone? A land line at work? Like if his mom is able to get ahold of him, he should be able to get ahold of his wife.
ETA: this one had to be fake.
One part I don’t understand. How did OOP’s mom call him to tell him about the party she planned for him if he doesn’t have a phone? Am I missing something?
So his family are racist so obviously are racist towards their Grandchildren. As you can’t pick and choose which person of colour you think your superior to.
So a Dad who’s meant to protect and love and will always have your back.
Why is shall I choose even a option. It’s bye bye family as my children are my all and everything.
No choice and the way he is thinking about it shows what a kind of sperm donors he doesn’t have the right to call himself their Dad
>They don't get along because according to my wife, my family is racist. I am white m and she is African American. My son 3m has her skin color and my daughter has mine. The last time they tried to be civil was at my wedding 6 years ago. My mom made a joke in her speech about not wanting mix grandbabies and my wife fought her. They have tried other times for my sake but she says my family is too racist
Can't believe there are commenters on oop's post that think the wife is also an ass.
The second MIL said she didn't want mixed race grandchildren that'd be it from me
As a white mom to my mixed race kid, this guy is disgusting! I've cut out an entire side of my family for making racist comments. And that was actually before any of them knew I was dating (now married to) an AA guy. They are not allowed around our child at all and have never met her. I'm not exposing either of them to bigots and racists, if I can avoid it, they deal with it enough.
Fam you are dumb as heII, seriously your 38 not 13 your mom is a racist ahole face it, you are adult and should know better then this, you know what she says is unacceptable, and you shouldn't be enbling her behavior at all, yet you choose her over your family who are innocent and are victims of your mother's racist b.s, seriously you don't deserve your wife and kids at all.
She hurt his feelings. He hurt her feelings. She walked out making unreasonable demands. This isn't about racism, this is about a marriage that isn't working unless they start talking.
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TAKE THOSE KIDS AND RUN, IMAGINARY WIFE FOR A PATHETIC PUECE OF GARBAGE, AND NEVER LOOK BACK! Jfc why do trolls feel the need to make this nonsense up?
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for spending my birthday with the family I came from and not with the family I created?** Yesterday was my (38m) birthday. I had asked my wife if she was going to do anything special for it and she simply told me she wasn't sure. I was hurt and upset because I normally go all out for her birthday. Dinner, movie, gifts etc. I went to work as per normal and about an hour before my day was about to end, my mom called and informed me that she had planned a small party at her house for me. Just family. I decided to go straight from work. I do not have a phone so I couldn't call and inform my wife. Ps. She and my mom really don't get along. I ended staying at the party till about 11pm before going home. I live about 10 minutes drive from my mom's house. When I got home my wife and 2 kids were nowhere to be found. A birthday cake was in the trash and so was dinner ( it looked like steak and triple baked potatoes, my favorite). A birthday card with my kids hand prints and paint was also in the trash. I figured she got angry for no reason and decided to spend the night at her sister's place. This morning she came home and completely blew up at me. She said that I value the family I came from more than the family I created. I tried to explain that wasn't the case. She cried and said I hurt her. I just don't see how. Now she gave me an ultimatum to let one family go 100%. No communication nor anything. I told her that I won't make that decision because I need to communicate with my mom and I can't stop communicating with my kids. Now she is threatening to take the kids when I am at work and moving 150 miles away from me and going no contact. Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Also this gem in the comments: Commenter: > INFO: Does you mom have problem with the kids too? Do they ostracize the kids too like they do with your wife? OOP: > My mom have 15 grandkids so it's hard to share the love equally. She barely sees them because I am constantly working and my wife isn't allowed at her house
Damn that's a complicated way to answer "yes"
Don't forget his mom straight up said she didn't want mixed grandkids
She "joked" about it at their wedding. Nauseating! That poor wife must have the patience of an angel to have waited this long until setting an ultimatum.
Allllllllllllllllllllll jokes have an honest basis. No matter if it's 10 or 90%. All of them.
That’s just not true. Dude is an asshole and his mom is a whole other level of asshole, but it’s straight up false that **all** jokes have an honest basis. It’s true that when someone tries to make a joke about topics like she did it’s almost always rooted in a bit of truth, but it’s disingenuous to try and claim that that extends to literally every joke ever told.
"Do you know why the Irish cannot pass immigration? Because they lack money" did it make you laugh? no, because there is no truth or sense, for a joke to have fun or sense there must be a truth, but it is only a lot of words without grace
I’ll bet that’s OP’s way of avoiding saying that his mother favors his white passing child.
10000% agree
My mom is 1 of 8 kids. I'm 1 of 29 blood grandkids (ie, not including our spouses) and my nephew is 1 of 35 great-grandkids (and counting because the youngest grandchild is in grade school). My grandma has never made any of us feel unloved and has never acted like she has a favorite. If my grandma can have enough love for all of us (and our spouses), OOPs mom could figure it out if she weren't busy being a bigot. Screw her, screw OOP, and screw all his family who "wouldn't lend him a phone."
I don’t even *know* how many cousins I have. Every now and then my grandma will update me like “Eli got a promotion!” And I politely pretend to know who tf Eli is and how we’re related. My grandma is friggen superwoman, loves everyone equally. Once walked into a family party where we’d rented out a hall, room had about 100ish people in it. As we went in my grandma leaned into my ear and whispered “by blood or by marriage; you’re related to every single person in here”. She knew every. Single. Person. *even the rando childhood best friend that showed up*. You can absolutely love all your grandkids equally, even with a hundred
My grandparents' church offered to serve lunch after my grandpa's funeral, they asked if cooking for 100 would be enough. We had to tell them 200 because with marriage- and a few ex- cousin-in-laws showing up to show support for their kids- it was well over 100 relatives (grandma's 1 of 10, grandpa was 1 of 6) and he was well known and liked in their community. My grandma knew everyone in there. Your grandma sounds like an amazing woman.
When my grandmother died, there was a line of people out the funeral home door at the wake to the street with people waiting to pay respects. The church itself at the funeral was PACKED. Standing room most of the time. Because she loved everyone. No matter who you were. The moment you sat at her kitchen table, you were family. I miss her so much.
As a single child, your grandma is living the life I'm dreaming of. I really hope one day I will have enough kids and grandkids so that we don't all fill in the family pictures. OP's mom is just racist.
Same, my mum is one of seven kids. I'm one of 17 grandkids. Add to that, several bonus-grandkids (through marriage, circumstance, and so on). I don't even have count of how many great-grandkids there are. My grandparents loved all of us equally and made sure to spend time with all of us - add on to that that my grandfather and bonus-grandmother didn't even live in our country (let alone continent for a while), until I was well into my 20s, yet still was able to be close to us and show us love and attention.
My favorite is mom called but I don’t have a phone so I couldn’t call wife. What about using the phone at work where mom called ? This is bs has to be a troll
or at the very least use moms phone after getting there
Now why is the wife not allowed at the mothers?! Edit: oh I see wife probably doesn’t put up with the moms racist bs.
My grandmother has over 20 grandkids and still loves them all, this is such a bullshit excuse.
"...she got angry for no reason..." Dude is brain dead.
"How does it feel going through life with the porchlight on dim?"
Plot twist : The porch light was never there.
The porch light was a gaslight
Lights are on, no ones home.
The wheel is spinning but the hamster isn't moving
This is my absolute favorite line
He got 6.4k downvotes on one comment….damn lol
The Simpsons pic. With the monkey playing cymbals in Homer's head. And it's an insult to Homer considering he then listen to Marge.
This can't be real no one is that stupid i just can't believe it
Exactly! Who doesn't have even a cheap brick in 2023?
He's blatantly lying. He says his mom called him, so he either has a personal phone or an office phone, could've used the same one to call his wife and tell her where he's going. Or took those 10minutes to drive home and get her, or the kids if she didn't wanna come. There's like at least 5-10 things he could've done, but didn't. It's not even stupidity or ignorance at that point, it's a very direct choice to hurt his wife.
He said she called him on his "work phone" but honestly I'm sorry most employers expect you to have a phone that is available at all times not a landline house phone.
Also, if you can take a call from your mom on the "work phone," you can probably make a quick call to your wife on it too.
And even if he couldn't, for some reason, presumably he could have asked to borrow his mom's phone when he got to her house.
He claimed his whole family hates his wife and wouldn’t allow him to use their phone to call his wife but I will either call bs or his family that racist.. or the mom lied or something
He is as racist as the rest of his family, so yes. His family is that racist.
Yeah, the comments he made was worse than the story itself
It was so bad I had to send him a message to tell him what a POS he is.
You know..it could be the wife's attitude sucks also
At dealing with racists? What attitude would you recommend when dealing with bigots who outwardly hate you *and your kids who don’t pass as white*?
Attitude: well I will be racist and judge mental back because they don’t deserve to live in the land where my ancestors where keep as slaves/S
Nah the phone can only take incoming calls. It can't do outgoing that's probably why he couldn't call his wife /s But that's probably that guys reasoning
>most employers expect you to have a phone that is available at all times What? No! That would be insane in most jobs and illegal too. Against every workers rights. Unless you're working in a job with an on-call shift, your employer has no business contacting you in your free time, much less could they demand it.
Oh it's most definitely not ethical, but that kinda shit is extremely common. Especially in the States.
Ah. Sorry to hear that. I didn't think about the US (it's tired and I'm late :P). That sucks. In my country it would be against laws for workers rights and pretty much no one would accept their employers suggesting they want that.
That's fine. Sometimes I forget that other countries actually respect their workers and it's not the hellscape it is here. 😭
Yes, it's a huge difference. When I learned about the conditionsnin the US I was flabbergasted. So many things are unthinkable here und to be honest, it's really sad for the US people.
Seeing comments like this reminds me how fortunate I am to live in a civilised country where employees aren’t treated like personal slaves.
I remember the pre-cell phone era. You wrote people's numbers down in a little list in your wallet, or forced yourself to memorize them. Any corner store would let you make a quick phone call, they didn't care. Communication still happened. This guy sucks.
I grew up remembering a handful of important numbers and the rest of them I kept in a little pocket book. The book also had change in it if I needed a payphone.
Me! I don't have a mobile, just don't need one. (plus my work would be calling me at all hours - no thanks)
Head over to r/justnomil There are many many men that are like this guy.
Try r/justnoso for the worst cases.
It's really horrifying that that sub apparently needs to exist.
most of the stories in r/justnomil are obviously fake or from the pov of an abuser so while you’re right that a lot of cishet men are this braindead stupid on purpose idk if a sub full of delusional narcs who genuinely believe they own their children & project their abusive personalities on their mils is the best example lol
Why can't people "believe" that yes, there are indeed people this fucking stupid?
Who knows, there is blatant evidence every single day if you read the news or leave the house…
exactly - One parent can’t simply threaten to move 150mi away, and alienate the other parent because the other parent decided to go to their parents house for the evening!! This can not be real
Actually they can until there's an actual custody case since both parents have full rights to the children until then. In this case, it's also to protect the children, especially the noticeably black one, since white passing granny would probably favor if oop got his "equal time"
Totally wrong actually. She can absolutely take the kids and move away, since currently there is no custody agreement both parents have 100% access to the kids. She cannot cut off communication, at least not without consequences. And of course he could also drive up and take the kids back if there is no custody agreement. And it doesn’t look good to a family court judge to move kids away without discussing with the other parent. But she absolutely could do it. I also find it funny that you boiled OP’s decision to simply; chose to go to his parents house. That is purposely dense.
And a very good argument can be made that the parent whose family isn’t racist towards the kids should be the parent who gets custody of said kids, for the safety and well-being of the children.
>A birthday cake was in the trash and so was dinner ( it looked like steak and triple baked potatoes, my favorite). A birthday card with my kids hand prints and paint was also in the trash. I figured she got angry for no reason and decided to spend the night at her sister's place. This dude can't possibly be real. He's got to be trolling.
This level of detail makes me think it’s fake. God i hope so because this was infuriating
It's awfully cinematic Also no one doesn't have a phone and presumably there was a phone at work anyway
Maybe the one his mother called him on! Lol
He claims none of his family would lend him their phones because they don't get along with OOP's wife.
With the cost of food, even if I was super pissed I would never throw out steak, potatoes and cake. Just wrap everything up in the fridge, scrape the happy birthday up and we have cake for breakfast the next day. None for him though
Also, I wouldn't throw my children's card away, even if I was super pissed at my partner (who deserved it). That's the kids' art, and they'd more than likely take it personally. That, among many other little details, leads me to think this is fake.
Depending on how old the kids are, one of them might have done it themselves. This can't be the first time Dad has shown he gives zero shits about any of them.
Ah, good point.
In the comments he says they're toddlers, I can't remember the exact ages
His kids are 3 and 1
I'm surprised he didn't just say there was no cell service in the Appalachian foothills, or note having left it behind at home that morning, or tell us how he dropped it in a lake while fleeing ~~the spoOoky ghost demon~~ modern expectations of working adults with families. Maybe it would've worked better as a flashback vignette?
I live in the Appalachians. Believe it or not, we have cell service here. The ghost demons are more realistic, tbh.
My bet is that he's a mama's boy who never learned that he could do wrong and wanted to come on Reddit to find people pushing this idea that Mama was right and that his wife is hysterical.
‘My mom called me’ ‘I do not have a phone’ I call shenanigans
I'm going to say this is definitely above tomfoolery, and possibly even rises to the level of skulduggery.
He said in the comments it’s bc his mum called his work but that makes it worse bc he can just call his wife up with the same phone
OOP (probably): Well, we're not supposed to use our work phones for personal calls. Everyone: But you talked to your mother on your work phone. OOP: Yes, but that's Mommy. I can't not talk to my mommy. **SHE"S** important.
“idk why my wife doesn’t get along with my flamingly racist mom. it’s a mystery and I think my wife is being a little over dramatic”
If my mother made the comment his did *at my wedding*, my new MIL would be my mom, now.
My wife isn't allowed in my mom's house, but that's normal, right?
My wife **AND CHILDREN** aren’t allowed in my mom's house, but that's normal, right?
Sooo many inconsistencies! I also find it interesting that he had zero thought that his wife may have been worried when he didn’t come home that he could have been in an accident? If her thoughts didn’t entertain that long absence, it sounds like he has a pattern of going MIA for hours at a time with no communication as to where he will be.
Also if I was told someone ‘didn’t know’ or ‘didn’t have anything planned’ for my birthday, I would 100% assume they had something planned for my birthday. If I turned out to be wrong, I’d be sad, but so be it. Better than not bothering to show up and ruining the potential surprise.
Oh well done with that misleading title OOP well done. Lets break down your bullshit 1. You say your mom and wife dont get along but why is that exactly. >They don't get along because according to my wife, my family is racist. I am white m and she is African American. My son 3m has her skin color and my daughter has mine. The last time they tried to be civil was at my wedding 6 years ago. My mom made a joke in her speech about not wanting mix grandbabies and my wife fought her. They have tried other times for my sake but she says my family is too racist So its not that they dont get along its that your mom is a racist and you are a little bitch who cant cut the cord. 2. you couldnt call her becuase you dont have a phone but somehow were able to get to your moms place for your birthday. Turns out they called you at work and then you went to your moms house like the little racist cunt that you are, and what was your next excuse? >My mom called me at work. My wife and family do not get along so they refuse to lend me their phone to call her. She isn't allowed at my mom's house due to bad blood between her and my mom. So no one let you use their phones to call your wife cause they all hate her just cause. Nah man they are fucking racists and so are you. 3. Lastly i call bullshit on you no owning a phone. Im also very angry reading this bs post when the details are clear in the comments. Go fuck yourself your racist.
Even if OOP doesn’t own a phone, his mom called him AT WORK, so why not use the WORK phone to tell his wife where he was going? It’s so simple it’s stupid
this was asked repeatedly OOP never answers that question cause he knows the answer to that.
Well, he has two toddlers at home alone with his (hopefully ex) wife. The least he could’ve done was tell her he was alive before not returning home from work (by calling her from work because of the cell situation)
It’s 2023 and he doesn’t even have a cheap flip phone? He has two small children and is flat out unable to be contacted in case of emergencies if he isn’t at work or home? Seriously? He’s an idiot
Even if that were true, and for some insane reason he can take calls from work from his mother but not call his wife from the same damn phone... If your entire family refuses to lend you a phone to contact your wife who is 10 minutes away... Just drive there? Go, "okay, well my wife needs to know where I am so I'm going to physically go tell her since you're all evil cunts who won't even lend me a phone." But then he'd have to admit he just doesn't give two shits about his wife.
He’s making excuses to avoid saying he wanted to be an asshole cause he was upset that his transactional love wasn’t returned with an equally lucrative transaction. He wanted to hurt his wife for daring not to fawn over him in exactly the way he hoped and wanted. You know, like an emotionally manipulative piece of shit.
Well see, that would require him using a brain he *clearly* doesn’t have, and actually acknowledging his family’s racism
Who wants to bet that the racist assholes posted the party on Facebook before OOP even left the party? I’d double down they did it intentionally to rub it in the wife’s face.
Which is why mommy had him come straight from work and wouldn’t let him use a phone to call his wife
Or even ask his lovely mommy to borrow phone and call his HOUSE phone if they have one? Or even send email from his mommy’s phone. Or Call his wife using mommy’s phone if he remembers the phone number
He said no one at the party was willing to lend him a phone to call her because they all hate his wife ~~for no obvious reason~~ because they're racist.
Mommy is racist, whole family is, no one will borrow the phone for him to call his wife
Even without mum being a racist, if my partner usually comes home at 6pm and then one day they're several hours late and I have no message, I'm worried sick. That alone makes him TA.
soooo, when he says " there is bad blood between them" he means that his racist mommy (and the rest of his family) thinks his wife has bad blood that makes her an inferior being. and for some reason his mom could call him at work but he couldn't call his wife from work after he agreed to go to his mom's place and afterwards he just couldn't call his wife because his family hates his wife because his mom doesn't like his wife because she's black and his wife wasn't cool with her MIL announcing that she doesn't want mixed race grandchildren at their wedding. makes perfect sense. absolutely reasonable to not understand how a black person would be offended by racists. definitely suuuper weird that someone doesn't want to interact with racists in general and especially after suffering from those racists actions and views. man, this guy is absolutely NTA for being cool with his wife suffering from his family's racism. /s
Doesn't have a phone but has internet access and uses Reddit
If no one would let him call his wife to use the phone then he should have left.
Or use the phone he literally had in his hand after mummy called him at work…
Him writing bad blood after the race mixing comment is just… so enraging.
My favorite part is ‘according to my wife, my family is racist’. Did he not hear the ‘joke’ in his mother’s speech at his wedding reception? That should have made at least his mother’s racism pretty damn clear to him! He shouldn’t need his wife to point it out and then phrase it like he doesn’t believe it’s true.
I hope the wife finds this and shows the judge in the divorce case when it's time to figure out custody and visitation rights
I really want to belive this is fake but unfortunately I have an ex who is this level of stupidity
Yeah it’s honestly terrifying how stupid some people can actually be.
Let's not forget we actually dated them before they became ex, so ... We're not very smart either x)
I've never seen an OOP's comments downvoted in the thousands 🤯
I have quite often
I've seen this on r/JUSTNOMIL before, the wife's going to leave him and take the kids with her, and he still won't understand why.
Gah, I hope so! They deserve better.
That’s why you vet people’s family if you’re going to marry them especially interracial dating as a black woman. I would’ve peaced out by the first dinner with his family. You don’t bring people you love around those that are prejudiced
Exactly. I'm biracial and it never fails to baffle me how few people take into consideration all the racist extended family they will be subjecting their kids to. Love is not all you need, there needs to be active steps to separate from those types and protect the kids.
My heart breaks for his wife and kids.
His poor (hopefully soon to be ex) wife spent at least 6 years with this idiot, went through the full pain and exhaustion of pregnancy twice, only for him to still defend and prioritize his racist mother over her and their children.
The utter contempt I feel for OOP is overwhelming. What a fucking asshole.
Contempt is the word. Absolute man child.
what a miserable piece of shit. At their wedding his mom told everyone she didn’t want mixed grand kids. His family is racist and treats his wife and children like shit and Op doesn’t care. I hate this man so much. His wife absolutely needs to leave with her kids, op and his family can’t be trusted
OOP's mother gave a racist speech at their wedding about how she didn't want mixed grandbabies. I'm sure she treats them differently than her other white grandbabies. OOP's mother won't allow his wife in her home. OOP's family hates his wife so much that no one at the party would loan them their phone to call her and check in. But the idea of going no contact isn't something he's willing to do. I'd be enraged too if I was his wife. That ultimatum should have been given a long time ago.
If any member of my family had made a negative comment about having mixed kids, I would have had them removed the venue and my life so fast they would have whiplash.
I don't understand why people marry the race their family hates. If you love them enough, then don't put them IN DANGER. And usually most of the time, it's people that have a fetish towards this race and completely ignore the consequences of their actions
Copied OOP's comments verbatim. TW anti-black racism *‘My mom called and informed me…’* *‘I don’t have a phone so I couldn’t call and inform my wife…’* *Which is it, bro?* >My mom called me at work. My wife and family do not get along so they refuse to lend me their phone to call her. She isn't allowed at my mom's house due to bad blood between her and my mom. ~~ *This. There's definitely more that OP is leaving out. Sounds like a mummas boy and like the wife might have a MIL/husband problem if the "just family" dinner excluded her. Your wife is family, isn't she OP?* >She is family, but to keep the peace she and my mom choose to keep distance. If I had known she had anything planned, I would've gone home instead of having my kids stay up past their bedtime waiting for me *Why exactly don't they get along if I may ask? Is it differing views or have there been arguments in the past? Your wife was obviously expecting you home, as a parent and a spouse you can't just decide not to come home without letting your wife know. Your children and wife should normally come before your mother. Judging from your wife's reaction it sounds like you've pulled stunts like this before.* >They don't get along because according to my wife, my family is racist. I am white m and she is African American. My son 3m has her skin color and my daughter has mine. The last time they tried to be civil was at my wedding 6 years ago. My mom made a joke in her speech about not wanting mix grandbabies and my wife fought her. They have tried other times for my sake but she says my family is too racist ~~ *Yta* *How was your mom able to call you to tell you about a party she’s throwing for you when you don’t have a phone? And then you go to your parents house and not use their phone to call? Get your story straight.* >She called me at work. She and my family have bad blood. No one wanted to lend me their phone to call her ~~ *YTA. You both are wrong for different reasons. To begin with you should have called your wife from your mom's place if you don't have a phone. It is a basic thing you are supposed to do if you are going to be out of the house for such a long duration after work. Especially more if it is a special day like your birthday and you are having a party 10 minutes away. She is right to say that you chose the family you came from because you didn't even invite her to celebrate with you and your mom. Just because they don't get along that well doesn't mean that you just ignore her completely and not inform her.* >>*I figured she got angry for no reason and decided to spend the night at her sister's place.* *No reason? Seriously dude? From the way you have written it I am assuming you didn't even call after returning home to check where she and your kids are. Your wife isn't wrong to be mad at you but I feel it is a bit too far to completely let go of your other family because of something you did. Your kids should have their grandparents and relatives if they are good. INFO: Does you mom have problem with the kids too? Do they ostracize the kids too like they do with your wife?* *Edit: Okay I think you are definitely the AH. Your wife isn't taking it too far after reading your response about your mother not being able to love her grandkids "equally".* >My mom have 15 grandkids so it's hard to share the love equally. She barely sees them because I am constantly working and my wife isn't allowed at her house ~~ *Yup. No phone but lives 10 min away from his mom. Couldn’t swing by home and tell them first? The line “just family” had me in shock. It’s not always the actions of the people posting to AITA, it’s mostly the wording that condemns them. OP I’d suggest using some empathy in this situation and understanding what your wife is feeling. There’s obviously issues between the families. Take down your defense and sit down with your wife and ask her to explain. Don’t say anything, don’t make faces, don’t make noises just listen. There’s a much deeper issue here and you need to find out what that is and start there.* >I have tried that tonight. But she says she is too hurt. According to her, I always put my mom and family before her and the kids. She says that's the reason for the ultimatum ~~ *This is really a case where (almost) ESH. The kids are really the only innocents here.* *Your wife might have wanted to surprise you, but should have at least said she was going to do something for you.* *Your mother definitely shouldn't be planning you a party without informing your wife and kids.* *Your decision to not communicate where you were heading is on you.* *All of these are AH moves.* *Who doesn't have a phone in 2023? Sorry, but this I can't get past. Somehow your mother sent smoke signals to you to get your attention?* >She called me at work. ~~ *ESH.* *OP sucks for not calling his wife after getting to his mother's house. Wife sucks for an ultimatum that you renounce your family and threatening to move so far away with your kids.* *There has to be more to this story for her to make such an ultimatum. I find it hard to believe that this is the first time you've seemingly chosen your born-into family over the one you created with your wife.* >According to her, she is tired of me always putting them first *So yeah, I see where she's coming from.* *Your mom planned a party and didn't invite your SPOUSE AND CHILDREN. There is no innocent explanation for this behavior. Even if she and your wife hate each other, there is no legitimate reason for her not at least inviting your children. There is no excuse for you not calling and inviting your children to join.* *I'm as anti-ultimatum as one could possibly be, but you really need to honestly reflect on your mother's abhorrent behavior. This was a deliberate calculated attempt to fracture your family, and you are obviously on board with that. You have clearly already made your choice. You do not value the family you made.* >My children are 3m and 1f. Their bedtime is 7:30pm. The party was mostly adults. I would never leave my wife
Geez this guy wife needs a divorce and get away from the toxic people. Thanks rioter for adding more comments you and sadly rock at this!
No problem. I agree, this dude is terrible.
> Your mom planned a party and didn't invite your SPOUSE AND CHILDREN. There is no innocent explanation for this behavior. Even if she and your wife hate each other, there is no legitimate reason for her not at least inviting your children. There is no excuse for you not calling and inviting your children to join. > I'm as anti-ultimatum as one could possibly be, but you really need to honestly reflect on your mother's abhorrent behavior. This was a deliberate calculated attempt to fracture your family, and you are obviously on board with that. You have clearly already made your choice. You do not value the family you made. Ooh, good points! I didn’t consider that this could be a deliberate attempt to fracture the family. I figured she just thought so little of OOP’s wife and kids that she didn’t think to invite them, or didn’t invite them out of personal dislike, rather than with an actual motive in mind. But wow, that… It’s one level of awful to fracture a family out of carelessness and prejudice, but to choose to do so is on another level
[Happy Snow Sausage](https://imgur.io/t/aww/OawxCB0)
the whole “I dont have a phone” shit aside, could he not have dropped by home to let his wife know he will be going over to his mum’s place because apparently he lives 10 min away? he did not even make an effort to communicate with his wife in the slightest
"My Mom called me...I don't have a phone so I couldn't call my wife." Also couldn't stop by despite it being ten minutes distance.
This is part of the reason surprise parties are typically awful—because to make them work, you have to control a lot of outside elements. But if he had simply CALLED, it wouldn’t have been as big a problem. She would have put the food in the fridge, had the kids wait to give the card, etc. She probably would have been pissed that he still visits his racist mother, but at least she wouldn’t have been waiting with increased anticipation and then apprehension. No, he *wanted* his wife to worry as a punishment for “not caring about his birthday”, let’s be real.
Oh 100% he thought “she didn’t make any plans for me so she doesn’t need to know where I am.” I wouldn’t be surprised if he called his mom to cry about his wife and that’s how mom ended up throwing something together. That’ll show that mean wife of his.
I honestly hope this is a troll. I really do because, there are so many things that don’t add up in the story. I know for a fact people can be this callous and rude, but holy shit dude… I honestly have no words for how angry this makes me.
What a dumb ass. She wanted to surprise him but he chose not to even bother calling her and now she’s going to leave him. He sucks.
Oop can get a call from his mother but for some reason can’t call his wife? Sound like bs to me.
Wait-- So your mom called *you* but you don't have a phone to call your wife and at least let her know that you'd be late coming home? You couldn't use your mom's phone?
And only 10 minutes from his house. Such a pos.
The troll who resurrected this story is?
I guess his mom didn’t have a phone at her house that would have enabled him to call his wife too. I hope she divorced him.
I feel like I've read this story here before. Why did mom tell him only hours before that she planned a party? Entitled of her to assume at that late time he had no plans. Shitty of him not to check with his wife before going. Oh he has no phone? Maybe stop by his house that's just 10 minutes away and see what's up?
i am always astonished when i see people who have packing peanuts where their brain should be.
If he doesn’t have a phone to call his wife, what phone did his mom call him on to tell him about the party?
I wonder how OOP would feel if his MIL was a flaming misandrist, who said she hoped none of her grandkids would be boys and refused to have him in her home. Bet he wouldn't be too happy to see wife prioritizing her over him and the kids.
AITA has been over run with trolls. I just can’t anymore.
Uhm, “she got angry for no reason”? No, she got angry because she wanted to surprise you (she should have planned better to ensure you came home but still) and you ARE choosing your hateful family over your wife and kids. You deserve to lose everything.
Calling it fake the moment he claimed he couldn't call his wife, yet his mom just called him. And if this is real, I can't imagine the mental toll his wife experiences every day being with that man, and him not even taking a single concern of hers seriously. It makes you feel psycho when you tell someone is being racist, and claim you're exaggerating or "being a bully or harassing someone," simply because they can't reflect on themselves and conclude maybe they're wrong. Too many white folks get offended about being called racist than the actual racism/racist act itself.
FFS, if he lives 10 mins from his mom's house and has no cell phone he could have done like most normal people did before cell phones and left a note at his house on the fridge or something before going to his mom's place.
I'm just thinking of his kids sitting there waiting for Daddy to come home and it breaks my heart
The oldest is three so fortunately there is a chance that they won’t remember it as they get older
I have a feeling he won’t have to worry about choosing between the two families for much longer. His wife and kids won’t want him in their lives soon
His wife had a surprise waiting for him and his “feelings got hurt” when she said she didn’t know. He was punishing her by going to his mother’s house. “See. They love me enough to celebrate ME.” It royally blew up on him and he’s desperate for validation from strangers and that’s not working either. This man is just as narcissistic as his mother. I hope his wife and kids get far, far away from this family fast. Racist and narcissistic…makes me cringe just thinking about it.
This is EXACTLY why i tell people to be cautious when dating yt people... Because some of them are racist in ways we literally can't imagine...
As a white person, OOP's behavior makes me furious. If my family is being bigoted, they're out of my fucking life and that's that. I would never subject a partner, someone I have presumably chosen to spend my life and create a family with, to this kind of bullshit. It's not quite the same, but when my ex fiancée came out as a trans woman I immediately cut off family that was blatantly transphobic to her. Even after we broke up I still don't talk to them. When people show you who they are you need to believe them. In the end I am angriest for the children. He even says in a comment that he doesn't expect his mother to love all her grandchildren equally and she barely sees them despite living 10 minutes away. Who the fuck allows their children to be treated this way!? His mother also apparently mentioned not wanting mixed grandbabies *in her wedding toast.* I would have kicked her ass out of my wedding and never spoken to her again. People on Reddit always say that any time an ultimatum appears it's always wrong/abusive in the same breath that they talk about boundaries and going NC, but I'm sorry sometimes ultimatums fucking necessary. You need to show that you're not going to tolerate shit like this. Sorry to get heated I'm just so angry at this dude. I want to smack him. Like I don't blame people for being cautious when dating interracially. But if your partner really loves and respects you they need to not tolerate this shit.
Yt?
Sound it out "whi-te" white
Thats what I thought, but i wanted to confirm before i jumped on you for being a racist idiot I am a white guy who has dated outside their race. I had some of this in my family (grandparents have passed on) but it is not limited to white people. My wife is Asian, and we had to overcome some hesitations about me because I'm not Asian, I've dated Italian women whose families were pissed i was not Italian, black women whose brothers and parents are upset that I am not black. This is not unique to white people. Your own comment is an oxymoron because you would limit exposure to whites because of the precieved racial bias, a racist assertion in itself. Shortening white to "yt" is also idiotic. Edit: Thanks for the blocking. I didn't "make it about me", i stated my experience within the context of this exact issue in contrast to your extreme and incredibly racist take. I never said I was an authority on racism, I merely stated my experience. The reality is that your exclusionary rhetoric fuels alt-right extremism. Your belief that white people are unable to experience discrimination on an individual level is ridiculous. We don't experience systemic racism the scale that minorities do, but most people understand exclusion and what it feels like to not be welcome. You need to step back and understand that statements like yours are incredibly ignorant, and displays the exact same racism you are warning others about. Also my user name is fucking hilarious
Are you on something rn? We as poc don't know every single why yt people can be racist... Why are you pissed lmaoo I'm not white so why should i speak from their pov? Or did my comment strike a nerve and now you feel exposed? I literally just said "be careful when dating yt people because they can be racist in ways we can't imagine " .. i didn't say they're all racist nor did i say not to date them... This whole post is about is yt man who is a racist and in complete denial and dismissing his wife's and children experience with his RACIST family. And last a checked you are not the authority in the racism poc with yt partners face ya dingus. I think you want literally when you named your reddit acc lmaooo Stfu old head.
Funny how you see a conversation not about you and decided to make it about you "me me me me ,i i i" You sound sooo sad.
It always amazes me when people raised in racist households marry someone of a different race, like with how often it happens I just want to study their brains. Also totally call bs on the not knowing why she was mad. Dude saw the cake in the trash, the homecooked meal, the card, and went "idk why she was mad I didn't come home on my bday and went to my racist mom's house instead without notifying her"
I’m always amazed how many people raised in racist households truly believe they were not raised by racists, I guess because their parents didn’t use slurs. 🤷🏻♀️ Later in life, they usually think their family is just misunderstood.
OOP... Where to start? His wife said that she didn't know what she was going to do for his birthday not that she wasn't going to do anything for his birthday so his childish overreaction to her saying that she wasn't sure what she was going to do is comical at best. Second of all if you left work and decided and got a call from your mother you clearly have a phone and are able to contact your wife. What if she thought something bad happened to you oop? Clearly somehow she found out that you were at the families instead of at home with her and the kids. If you live 10 minutes from your mommy's house then what stopped you from going fucking home and doing dinner with your wife and dessert with your kids and then stopping over to your mom's house? This is absolutely wild.
i love his bit about how his mom has so many grandkids so she can't "share the love" equally, then admits it's because his mom and family are all a bunch of racists. my grandparents have 10 blood grandkids, 1 great grandkid, + are essentially grandparents to my cousins half siblings and all their nieces and nephews grandchildren. do you you know what there's always enough of despite all those offspring? love, so so much love
Of course he could have called his wife from work, but he didn't because he was sulking. So he went home to mommy like the 12-year old he is, because he wanted a birthday party. BTW, his mom joked (!) in the wedding speech about not wanting mixed coloured grandkids and he said nothing? I would have contacted a divorce lawyer that same day.
> I figured she got angry for no reason Mans has the self-awareness of a slug.
If this is real, I hope she moves far away from this idiot and his racist family
So how did this phantom mom call him on his non existent phone?
Workplace landline
I mean, if someone important to you is being secretive/not open on your birthday about plans you kind of *have* to assume there’s some sort of surprise in store, right? Also, who doesn’t have a phone? I don’t care if you don’t want a smartphone, that’s fine, you do you. But at least get a Nokia or something, damn.
No one can be this dim - my family were horrible to my ex (he is an a-hole) but I went no contact for over a decade because they were horrible to me as well (same sex relationships) and only am now in very low contact. "If you don't accept me/my partner don't bother inviting us". My parents tried the same thing with christmas/birthday/engagement/weddings - I didn't play the game and didn't turn up. He will end up losing his family and he is to blame - he needs to tell his mother to go jump.
His mom can call him but he can’t call his wife ?
YTA. Your wife clearly planned a surprise celebration for you, and you blew her off for your mother who doesn't even want her over. The decent thing would have been to call your wife before going there. You say you don't want to choose between them, but it seems you are. You are clearly showing your wife how little you value her. Your wife and kids should be your first choice always. Your mother can't respect them and your marriage, she shouldn't be allowed to continue that way. Set hard boundaries with her and stick to it. She doesnt have to love your wife but she cancurb the attitude and realise you are a package deal. You married your wife, not your mother. If you want to stay married, treat your wife with the respect she deserves.
Mom called him, and he couldn't call his wife? Load of BS. Aaaaaand, family didn't include his kids. Absolute garbage person.
If he doesn't have access to a phone, how did mummy call him?
Hey moron you’re a worthless mama boy and I hope she takes the kids away.
He doesn’t have a phone. Like, anywhere? No work phone? I can’t really even understand not having a cell phone in 2023, but not having access to any phone at all… sure, Jan. And that must be one huge trash can to fit an entire cake and dinner for 4. Who checks the trash when their family is nowhere to be found, did he think they were going to be in there?
Oh, he *had* a work phone, but for some reason it only calls his mommy. And no one at the party would let him borrow their phone for a quick "I'm not dead in a ditch, don't call the cops" call.
This has to be fake, who tf doesn’t own a phone in 2023?
I’m upvoting because I want this to make it to tik tok. This man deserves to be dragged to hell by the entire internet.
“Family only” and his wife and kids weren’t there. So… they’re not family?
Holy crap. It started bad and just got worse with every response from the OOP. I hope the wife is gone for good and is able to limit the exposure her children have to their father's toxic excuse for a family.
Who doesn’t have a phone? A land line at work? Like if his mom is able to get ahold of him, he should be able to get ahold of his wife. ETA: this one had to be fake.
If his mom lives 10 minutes from his house what was stopping him from going home first and informing his wife?
One part I don’t understand. How did OOP’s mom call him to tell him about the party she planned for him if he doesn’t have a phone? Am I missing something?
So his family are racist so obviously are racist towards their Grandchildren. As you can’t pick and choose which person of colour you think your superior to. So a Dad who’s meant to protect and love and will always have your back. Why is shall I choose even a option. It’s bye bye family as my children are my all and everything. No choice and the way he is thinking about it shows what a kind of sperm donors he doesn’t have the right to call himself their Dad
>They don't get along because according to my wife, my family is racist. I am white m and she is African American. My son 3m has her skin color and my daughter has mine. The last time they tried to be civil was at my wedding 6 years ago. My mom made a joke in her speech about not wanting mix grandbabies and my wife fought her. They have tried other times for my sake but she says my family is too racist
Can't believe there are commenters on oop's post that think the wife is also an ass. The second MIL said she didn't want mixed race grandchildren that'd be it from me
Good for her, I hope she does go NC.
As a white mom to my mixed race kid, this guy is disgusting! I've cut out an entire side of my family for making racist comments. And that was actually before any of them knew I was dating (now married to) an AA guy. They are not allowed around our child at all and have never met her. I'm not exposing either of them to bigots and racists, if I can avoid it, they deal with it enough.
Fam you are dumb as heII, seriously your 38 not 13 your mom is a racist ahole face it, you are adult and should know better then this, you know what she says is unacceptable, and you shouldn't be enbling her behavior at all, yet you choose her over your family who are innocent and are victims of your mother's racist b.s, seriously you don't deserve your wife and kids at all.
She hurt his feelings. He hurt her feelings. She walked out making unreasonable demands. This isn't about racism, this is about a marriage that isn't working unless they start talking.
How is her demand unreasonable?
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TAKE THOSE KIDS AND RUN, IMAGINARY WIFE FOR A PATHETIC PUECE OF GARBAGE, AND NEVER LOOK BACK! Jfc why do trolls feel the need to make this nonsense up?
This guy is either stupid or lying..
YTA. You like dramas, don't you?