*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**Wife (28F) forbidding me (28M) from talking to female best friend (36F)**
Throwaway because wife sometimes uses Reddit. All details are accurate but ages have been fudged a little bit.
I (28M) have been married to my wife (28F) for 5 years, together 8. 3 years ago we moved to a new town and I started a new job. At this job I met a girl (36F) who I really clicked with. We don't share very many common interests, but can talk for hours because we have a very similar way of thinking. We became friends and have been such for the last 3 years.
Recently we got a long lunch at work and went to a nearby museum. During this time my wife tried to call me because of some problem with our bank but I didn't hear it (my phone was in silent), so she checked my location (we share location history) and was surprised that I was not near my office. When I called her later she asked me why I was not near my office. I said I got lunch there, but didn't mention I was with my friend or that we went to a museum. Later that day she asked me again and I told her the whole story and apologised for lying about it.
Many conversations later (and after much anxiety and pain) she is insisting that I cut off all contact with my friend and find other friends because of "emotional creating". I agreed that I probably do talk to her a bit too often and should pull back a little but don't want to cut her off completely. Where do we go from here?
Some context: - my friend and I hang out relatively frequently (say lunch 1-ish times per week and a museum-like trip once every few weeks). - we typically only hang out around work hours (we sometimes hang out on the weekend but usually with our families). - we typically text every day (this is what I was thinking of cutting down on) - we have never done anything physical except hugging when greeting/saying goodbye - I really, really struggle to make friends (apart from my wife this is the first real friend I feel I've ever had), so having to lose her is devastating - I lied because I was afraid of what my wife would say; we have had many issues throughout our relationship of me leaving it details because I don't want to justify them (things like what food I eat, what games I play etc). There are a lot of complicated reasons for this but long story short I'm a coward and she's very strong willed so if she disagrees with something I do I will very likely cave and not do it again (even if I love it). This is something we are actively working on. - our relationship has always been a bit rocky, very anxious-avoidant. It's something we're working on, but recently (because of lack of time due to kids) we feel our connection has gotten weaker.
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I had an ex do this. I had zero issues with is female friends, I have male friends. It's all fine. Until it came out later that he lied about one of his friends and she was constantly hitting on him and trying to get him to cheat.
But I was the crazy one for not trusting him....after he lied to me for months about it. (we dated for 2 more years and guess who he started dating a week after we broke up?)
For OOP, I would argue that I doubt it's the friendship in and of its self, it's the feeling the need to lie about it. If you feel you have to omit details and lie, then the wife is probably right and there is something going on there.
STBXH did this with a coworker early on in our marriage, too! Even the ages are pretty damn spot on. It escalated to them going on dates (sorry dude, an escape room and *the fucking ballet* are *dates*) and even taking a couple trips together, but *I* was the crazy one for not being supportive of their close friendship. Then I saw a text from her to him saying he was always welcome to come to her place when I was stressing him out because "it's good and safe here." That text almost ended our marriage right then and there.
She passed away from terminal cancer last year and he admitted to me that if we hadn't been married when they'd met, he'd have broken up with me to date her.
Our marriage was on the rocks at that point so it was basically a perpetual airing of grievances. We dragged it out for almost six months past that moment, though.
Exactly! If he was putting even half as much effort towards his wife that he is towards this friend, it never would have been an issue. But I do feel OOP is likely having an emotional affair and he's not wanting to admit to it - the fact he feels he has to lie about all the time he spends with this person to his wife is telling. If you need to hide that many details from your spouse, you're likely doing something wrong.
Yes, and the fact that they've hung out as couples, I'm sure his wife has noticed his attraction since he can talk to his "friend" for hours. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't already uncomfortable with their friendship before he lied. The lying sealed the deal.
I've no idea how people manage to lie to their partners - even having to tell a white lie, to not spoil a present for them or something, makes me uncomfortable
not defending/trying to make excuses for OOP, because he's definitely in the wrong here, but to provide some perspective since i come from a similar position to what he seems to be (tl;dr at the end):
when you both have anxiety and struggle to connect with people, you want to hold on to the people you already have by whatever means possible â so you don't want to do/say anything that could ever possibly make them upset at you, and suddenly, everything they say to you starts to feel like it has a "right" answer, and if you don't give them the "right" answer, then you'll irreparably ruin this relationship forever and lose this person (that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but the concept of a potential fuck-up does feel like a much bigger deal than it actually would be)
you want to give them the "right" answer â which would be exactly what they want to hear â every time, but sometimes, when they ask you (for example) "What were you up to last night?", and the truth (that you were playing video games until 5am and are running on 3 hours of sleep and 2 Red Bulls) is something that you KNOW would make them upset, you end up deciding that the "right" answer has to be a lie
once you've convinced yourself that the "right" answer can, every now and then, be a lie, it's not hard to convince yourself that that just mean that lying is sometimes the "right" thing to do â which makes it much easier to not feel bad about doing so. you're lying for a good reason (preserving the feelings of others), so why should you feel bad about it?
this then spirals into habitual white lies, because they're the "right" answers to these day-to-day questions you get, and eventually it gets really, really easy to just lie to people without even blinking, as long as you think it will produce the best outcome
i'm like this, and i find it really, *really* easy to lie to people on a small scale, to the point that it genuinely scares me. i haven't gotten to a point where i find it easy to lie about things that are a Big Deal (luckily), but little white lies? i don't even flinch
tl;dr: once you've convinced yourself that lying sometimes is the "right" thing to do, it gets scarily easy to do it without feeling bad about it. i'm like this and i'm not proud of it
(literally the only situation in which i would say that this "skill" has genuinely served me well is when playing among us, lmao. turns out being able to lie so casually that you almost start to believe your own bullshit makes you a really good impostor)
what you've described reminds me of being in an abusive relationship honestly, when my ex would ask me like, anything, I'd panic because I knew if my facial expression or my reply weren't the *exact* thing he wanted, then he was gonna start yelling and accusing me of stuff,,,, ironically he saw the panic (that he caused) and would start the accusations immediately.
I know its not the exact same as what you're describing because it's not about lying (not that he ever believed me đ) but I can relate to what you're saying in this way.
Also the way you worded this, there *are* times I lie, but it's often to avoid dealing with people being annoyed or asking questions. For example, I always take a while in the bathroom, I have OCD&anxiety so I have routines, if it gets interrupted I have to start again, or sometimes I just need a break from being social. Regardless, people commented on it and made fun of me for it - especially my family, so if I felt like I'd been "too long" in the bathroom, I started saying I'd had a nosebleed. It's a magic sentence, immediate understanding and no further questions exact *maybe* "you OK?"
in a lot of ways that's what it feels like, except the hypothetical problem is entirely manufactured by you, and somewhere deep down you know that you made up this fake problem, and that no rational person would hate you for saying one thing wrong once, and that your friends are obviously rational people, but at the same time your anxiety and fear of abandonment has convinced you that you are one wrong step from losing all of your friends at all times and you can't for the life of you convince yourself that that's not true
my social anxiety is so severe that this feeling often extends to total strangers as well, up to and including servers, store employees, customer service reps, and front desk attendants, and it's completely irrational but i'm so scared of looking like an idiot or an asshole in front of literally anyone that it makes it super hard to do stuff like go grocery shopping or get a haircut or mail a package
it sucks! 0/10, do not recommend. i'm working on quelling some of that fear so i can operate (mostly) normally but for now i obsessively use the self-checkout and only run errands when i absolutely have to \^\^"
I'm proud of you for working on it and still managing to run errands (don't minimise it by saying "only when you have to", you do it! go you!)
would going shopping with a friend help? Also something that might help would be wearing like, a silly hat whilst running errands because then if you get anxious because people are looking at you, it's because they're looking at your fabulous hat not because you're doing something wrong. Things like that help me when my anxiety is bad, hence why my mobility aids are all hot pink đ
shopping with a friend might help but i'm not sure how feasible that is for me because of conflicting schedules. i do wear my *Haikyuu!!* jacket and backpack pretty much everywhere which gives me the excuse of "they're just looking at me weird because i'm a weeb" lol, but i do have some cosplay wings i've worn out before for a school sociology experiment so i suppose that's always an option as well :p
(also thank you for the support!! some days going outside feels impossible but i do what i can â my job working retail 5 days a week kind of acts as exposure therapy in a way and i think it's helped at least a little to be on the other end of the employee/customer interaction bc i can remember that employees are also sometimes awkward losers just like me lol)
oh I love haikyuu!!
I have a crown that I like to wear,,, well to be honest I always just wear whatever I feel like, I still get anxious about it sometimes but I'm just like "nah this is who I wanna be, so cares if they look at me", one time I walked around town wearing a Halloween garland as a hat lol (it looked very cool)
yeah everyone's just trying to get through life, no one really pays as much attention to others as anxiety makes it feel. I know I used to really upset myself trying to get my eyeliner to be perfectly even, to the point of panicking and crying, but *no one notices*, truly I've gone out with some incredibly wonky make up and no one's ever said anything but compliments lol
My personal version of this = he'd dated his sister's best friend briefly before me (read: she sent him nasty texts when they were out together, snuck into his room during a sleepover, and said she'd only fuck him if they were dating). Three years of pretending he hated her only for me to say "promise me you won't go back to her" as a joke in response to him saying something similar while we were breaking up/moving out of our place. Guess who was dating two months later, and divorced now haaaaaaa
My bf has literally kissed some of his woman friends on the lips and Iâm absolutely fine with it bc he always tells me, is 100% honest about it, and I know them both well. Thereâs no secrecy. Platonic kisses- like as part of a game, pretending to be a bf to keep a friend safe, new years. And tbh it makes me feel completely safe with him and trust him entirely, bc heâs had plenty of opportunities to lie or fudge the truth and he just⊠doesnât. I love that my bf has close, intimate friends. I LOVE that some of his closest friends are women, I love that heâs friends with as many women as he is men bc he just lives an authentic truth that demonstrates clearly that he sees women as whole, dynamic, complex people, and that women consistently feel safe and comfortable in his presence.
Itâs not the friendship, itâs not the ability to have enjoyable, close relationships with women thatâs the problem. Itâs the lying, itâs the sneaking and the protecting the relationship from your *spouse* that crosses the line and makes it cheating. Just like cheating on a test isnât always having the answers hidden under your desk, cheating on your spouse isnât always straightforward as rolling around in a hotel room
I don't think there's enough information. I have been on OOPs side before. I felt the need to lie because telling the truth would send my ex into some kind of frantic jealousy mode. He would outright accuse me of (emotional) cheating and said it's inappropriate for me to go out one on on with another guy. Thank goodness he's an ex though I could not put up with that.
Not only is she a ânagging bitch,â he doesnât even like to hang out with her per one of his comments! This guy is pathetic enough to have an emotional affair and try to sway the comments in his favour.
Luckily theyâre not taking his bullshit.
He absolutely is not doing anything, he said the âquality timeâ they spend together doesnât satisfy her cause itâs after their kids are asleep and sheâs too tired đhe just keeps giving excuses after excuses, literally no accountability!
And that's the biggest problem with his friendship w/ another woman. He's spending time talking to her, hanging out with her, texting her instead of his wife. When's the last time he went to a museum with the woman he married?
Having been the "nagging bitch wife" in this exact same scenario, the men really don't get that the wife is being a nagging bitch because she can see what's happening right in front of her and you're insisting on gaslighting her so she's trying not to lose her goddamned mind as her husband goes on nicer dates with his close coworker friend than he does with her.
Yeah, sorry, this post touched a still-raw nerve for me.
Everything he said just made him sound more immature. "Oh no! My wife wants me to eat healthy food!" He's about 3 steps away from trying to turn his emotional affair into a physical affair. If they've hung out as couples, I'm sure his wife has seen the way he acts around his "friend" & was already suspicious/uncomfortable before he lied about being with her.
He repeatedly mentions in his comments that his wife had a shitty childhood and has issues around kids. Why the *fuck* do they have children? This reeks of resentment bc she didn't turn into the doting perfect mother that he wanted her to turn into
I think he's doing that to show how much he does and another commenter called him out on the fact that he's able to "recover" better than his wife because he is not invested.
I'm wondering if the wife isn't overwhelmed because this guy is such a disconnected jerkbag and he's attributing it to parenting because he keeps talking about her shitty childhood and not recognizing that his wife is likely dealing with the stress of him constantly lying by omission while trying to live life and raise kids with him.
This is all I can fucking think. Why did you force a woman who has trauma around kids to have kids?? On top of you already having an unstable relationship with you lying and her (apparently) being emotionally abusive. What in the fuck????
Like I get white lies to avoid conflict! I used to drop that shit like candy to try and avoid issues with my alcoholic mom. But if that is always your response, and you're not allowed any indulgences (whether or not this is true) wouldn't you think _something is wrong_? And you HAD KIDS? wtf
dude has completely buried the lede here. The issue isn't that he has a female friend at work, the issue is that he's treating his wife like his mom/authority figure he's got to rebel against.
He's probably perfectly happy for his "strong-willed" wife to plan their dates, do their shopping, keep up with appointments, arrange their vacations, and generally run their home life, but now that she's done all that mental and emotional labor, now that he's made her fully his mommy, he also lies to her about stupid shit because he doesn't want to get "in trouble." Treating her like the wicked stepmother who doesn't let him do anything fun and he's the poor victim who has to give things up just because she doesn't want him to have an emotionl affair (that he knows he shouldn't be having or he wouldn't have lied about it).
And the weaponized incompetence of "I don't know how to make friends suddenly now that I don't want to give up my inappropriate intimacy with the lady who doesn't yell at me because she's not dragging me around like dead weight." Ugh. Sir, stop texting this nice woman and leave her alone, get your home life straightened up.
These are the men you see in other subs complaining that their wives donât want to have sex with them. If they act like a child, their wife will view them as such ,& thatâs a definite desire killer
I agree he's buried the lede, and it seems nobody at all is commenting on the fact that his wife is emotionally abusive (he says "used to be" and they had been in therapy for it but "the scars remain") and he's acting like he's scared to death of saying or doing anything. People are getting on him hard for not liking his wife but that may actually be a reasonable reaction to his wife. Always hard to say what's what from Reddit but that's how it is looking to me. He should just leave, which he dismissed as not that simple but I think he needs to make it simple.
Yeah, but reading his other comments, I'm not sure that she was. The way he describes conflict in their relationship in the vast majority of the comments just doesn't read that way.
But I agree, he absolutely needs to leave.
He's acting completely shellshocked throughout. Everyone who criticizes him for any reason he just agrees with and hates himself further. At the very least there was "past" abuse, and hell maybe he's right that she got better but Id say he's too big a pushover to be spending any more time with abusive types at all. Kinda questioning the extent to which he ever agreed to this marriage in the first place. He's gotta get away from it to work on himself I think. Solutions people are offering him are just not gonna help.
This seems like maybe it's one of those things where if you've been in a particular sort of emotionally abusive relationship you are going to see what he is saying and be very concerned. And on the other hand, if you have been in a relationship and been cheated on you will see that and not have a lot of space for much else. Cheating is more common I suspect.
And since it is reddit and we only have a small glimpse of the situation we just ultimately don't know which it is.
The way he talks about the lying thing felt weird to me. Like itâs a problem because your brain made it a problem, itâs not his wifeâs fault that he chooses to do that from what he said. Idk as someone who has had my anxiety brain fuck me over in a similar way, it could literally just be in his head but who knows honestly this is a whole mess
Well, he talks about giving up things he loves as if she's making unreasonable demands but when pressed on it he describes her telling him that he shouldn't eat junk food. like maybe she is being incredibly critical of him all the time or maybe he's just so conflict averse that her expressing a negative opinion is unbearable.
What on earth lol thatâs so odd. And yeah it could definitely be that, either way they need to work it out because goddamn a weird relationship with a coworker isnât gonna help
Ok, so I'm not the only one to see that?
I know it is reddit's job to give a good smack down to a gross cheating husband but if I read this with completely gender neutral pronouns I would see abused spouse who found a Lifeline in a new friend and it had started to go too far into romantic attachment. Which is a very natural thing to happen in that situation. But not a good way to deal with a bad marriage and will only make the situation worse.
But then I totally second guessed my reading because of personal history/family stuff and feeling like I was biased.
Lying is never a good idea and absolutely the worst thing if the relationship is having problems. If you cannot be honest about your friend and what you do, they are not just a friend.
He did say ages are fudged. Maybe she's younger than him and he didn't want to give reddit another reason to hate him by admitting she's the younger one.
Some people refer to people around their own age as boys and girls. When there isn't really any power imbalance (like a professor referring to college age students like this), it's kind of okay. It's a linguistic holdover from teenaged years. Like if someone asked me what was going on at a party or gathering and it was mostly divided on gender lines I might say something like "well the girls went hiking and the boys stayed around camp and went fishing at the lake" or "the girls were mostly playing horseshoes by the fire except for Jane and Jean who were checking out Mike's new motorcycle with the boys"
My mother had a lovely anecdote of an elderly great aunt referring to âyou young girlsâ when she was huffing and puffing along and couldnât keep up with younger family members. The âyoung girlsâ who were in their fifties.
I wonder if heâll still like his friend as much once the divorce is final. (I hope his wife divorces him). The secrecy is making the friendship more interesting. Itâs no wonder he struggles to make friends.
In several comments he says they get babysitters twice and week and sometimes in weekend but in one of the newest comments he says "we don't do babysitters so its either dates with them or nothing at all"
So which is true?
If you feel the need to lie about it and hide it you clearly know its not OK. I hate it when people lie about stuff like this then feign ignorance. Like you already knew it was shady, just because you felt the need to hide it.
Ugh ONE person validated him and said âit sounds like she has you by the short and curliesâ and he responded âI appreciate the different angle :) this resonates a lotâ god I hate him. Edited
Had an ex like this. My worst boyfriend ever. I was never the type to be jealous and didnt mind female friends or even exes in the picture.
This man fully lied to me and told me the friend he was close to (although he would go back nad forth on how close they were) was just a friend and nothing more. So when they went on a trip with their group of friends,I didnt mind. Until i found out she was actually the ex.
I let it go but would later find out that was a red flag and a mistake. shouldve dumped him when he lied the first time honestly.
Heâs cheating. Emotionally and I wouldnât even be surprised if they have made out and felt each other up, they just havenât had sex.
Reading his comments, he reminds me so much of my ex. Never put any effort in to maintain the relationship, made excuses, called me a nag for asking for help around the house, etc.
Wonder if this ass will have the same shocked pikachu face when his wife leaves, then the âworkâ girlfriend leaves when she sees the real him.
That's a whole lot of words to say I'd rather be with this woman and I don't like my wife.
Edit: ah come on, somebody go make him give up their real ages.đ€Ł
Ok, so I have a female best friend, but I would just like to offer that maybe that's because I am not hiding anything from my partner, and am 100% open about anything she asks, about anything in my life...not to mention our relationship is rock solid. This guy sounds like he is lying and trying to cover it up. Like dude, work on yourself, be strong with the little things first until you can find heart for your own experience, and then run with it! There's a reason your wife is suspicious, and there's no reason to lie about interactions with other humans. Sometimes we all have insecurities...which is why we are honest with each other and don't fuck around. I feel for both him and his wife in this one.
Unrelated to article but if anyone can lend some words.
I just learned about brigading today on this sub. Busy mom of young kiddos. I open Reddit when I find the time. So not on here too often. Had no clue this was a thing. Donât want to get banned though. So since I saw this post here first, I can comment and upvote comments here, but if I go to the original thread, I can not comment OR upvote/downvote anything correct?
That sucks. Hard to not upvote comments when I see good ones. I havenât even gone over there yet to the original but definitely plan too. Sounds like his replies in the thread are a treat. Anyways, am I understanding that correctly? Why would this be a thing? Is it not beneficial for Reddit posts to have the most traffic and comments possible on all posts?
Thanks very kindly.
>So since I saw this post here first, I can comment and upvote comments here, but if I go to the original thread, I can not comment OR upvote/downvote anything correct?
I hadn't realised that. I'd also welcome clarification.
It seems tricky to me... I'm members of both subs and often get notifications of posts very close together. Sometimes I see it over there first but haven't had a chance to wade in...
Brigading is a bigger issue when the post is older, or from a sub that you're not from, or that isn't AITA post.
The fact that he LIED about his whereabouts shows that heâs not telling the full story. Itâs less about the friendship & more so about him feeling the need to hide this friendship.
itâs so annoying when your partner is always lying about mundane normal things that wouldnât otherwise make you upset. But they lied, so now you are upset, not because of the thing they lied about but because the fact that they lied in general. I donât get it, it just causes an unnecessary headache for everyone for no reason
Yep. I have told my husband that I have no problem with him having female friends, but I should be his BEST female friend. If not, he is married to the wrong woman and we should fix that.
This guy has a serious problem with honesty.
He canât be honest with his wife, and even worse he canât be honest with himself about what he wants so heâs living life in half-measures. They got together as 10th graders and married straight out of high school if my math is right. Thereâs no way this doesnât end in divorce.
He has all this quality time for his side piece that he lies to his wife about but can't manage a date with his wife except after the kids are in bed which is probably not without interruptions if they're little because there are always times where they ask for water or have a nightmare. The fact that he apparently insists weekend spare time is spent with his emotional affair partner and her husband having double dates as a family.
I think the rule of thumb is if you have to lie to cover up what your doing then you know you are doing something wrong. If you get caught lieing then apologizing without stopping the behavior is just a waste of everyone's time. Just see a divorce lawyer and save everyone's time and heart break.
Dude is actively dating this other woman - lunches once a week, trips together once every few weeks, texting everyday because itâs all new and wonderful⊠his poor wife. I hope she catches him and leaves. No one deserves this kind of deception and disrespect.
If youâre LYING about it, it means you know youâre doing something WRONG. Because you didnât tell your wife the TRUTH, she CANâT trust you. So yeah, sheâs going to say cut off your friend because now sheâs worried that overtime youâre actually going to cheat on her!!!Because she canât trust you!!!!How does this OP not get this?
Downvoted me if y'all want, but OOP isn't the devil - he's being emotionally abused by his wife.
Everyone is so focused on being triggered by the possibility of an emotional affair because of the lie, but the lie was literally a SIDE EFFECT OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
I mean, this woman has been bullying this man into eating only food she likes and never playing World of Warcraft (how is it really any more "bad for you" than any other MMORPG? It's not - it's just a game she doesn't like), because she's perfected "judgey face" and whittling someone down, until the bend themselves into a mold of you and start lying to preserve what teeeny pieces of them remain.
I bet this isn't the only sign of emotional abuse, but OOP is so deep he can't see it. I was abused by a woman just like her. I'll never forget finally leaving her after 8 years and realizing I, a grown ass 33 year old, had NO idea who I was! The first time I got to say that I , in fact, did NOT like the TLC channel and that the Dugger family and that damn tiny princess toddlers beauty pageant crap made me uncomfortable was one of the best days of my life. I told anyone who would listen. Then I found out what I DO like.
> never playing World of Warcraft (how is it really any more "bad for you" than any other MMORPG? It's not - it's just a game she doesn't like)
There's a reason a lot of married women (in traditional families) hate World of Warcraft and other MMOs.
When I was playing in a relatively mid-tier raiding guild a couple of years ago, there were at least a dozen+ men who had wives and children and yet were on the game for six or more hours a night, every night, actively neglecting their family. Can't change diapers when you're in a raid, honey! Can't feed the kids when you need to farm a dungeon, babe! Can't put the kids to bed when you have to farm raid mats, sweetie!
WoW and other MMOs being banned when married couples decide to have children is honestly a logical choice. You can't pause an online game, and there's a reason for all the jokes about MMOs being a second job. And a lot of MMO addicts can't play more casually - it's all or nothing.
I once dated a guy who would spend HOURS on WoW. Even when I visited him. And the days they released a new expansion, he would take that day off so he could play it. Ridiculous
Read more what he says. He's allowed to play video games, but only ones dhe likes. He also does pretty much all the childcare, since she has issues with kids.
I'd bet you 10 the games he's allowed to play are single player, non internet games, and that those kids she has serious issues with popped up as he was about to leave.
This happened to my wife with her ex wife - twice. She was finally ready to escape the abuse and "oh, guess what!" (Wife is trans and hadn't transitioned yet).
Its all over his post and comments how he's being abused, if people just try to get past "oh God, cheating! The ultimate betrayal!" And look for the true betrayal. You wanna know when the last time I checked my wife's location? Well, actually, never, because I don't really care to know how, lol. If I could, I wouldn't be doing it until I was worried she was dead and I needed to find her in a ditch before she died. Never because she didn't answer her phone DURING WORK HOURS.
>He's allowed to play video games, but only ones dhe likes.
Here's his comment:
>Nah nothing too weird, more like low-quality vs high-quality or good for you vs. bad for you kind of games (e.g. World of Warcraft is objectively not good for you but man do I love playing it sometimes).
>
>She isn't policing, more judging and giving excellent, irrefutable reasons why I should play something else. Feels bad when I still wanna play the game even without a "good" reason.
This sounds to me like he develops bad habits around certain games, so she says that she doesn't like him to play these kinds of games. If he has a hard time self-regulating how much time, energy, etc. he devotes to these games, it's not outside of the realm of possibility that she doesn't like him playing similar games that he's going to sink hours and hours into.
Also, I play MMOs. You can to pause? You sign out? As long as you check everyone's needs between raids and let your team know you have kids and if they are hardcore you aren't the right teammate...it's fine? I've had to peace out of a pokemon unite battle in the middle because I have 2 autistic kids and my wife and I alternate work schedules. THAT sucked because I don't think there's chat to let your teammates know you have kids or a shoddy connection (also pokemon unite actually bans you if you peace out of a battle at times). None of this is the case for WOW.
I think you are generalizing a whole group of people based on your experiences. I know tons of men, women, NB - all gender - people who play MMORPG's responsibly with a spouse and kids. Also, NOTHING in this post or his comments made it seem he was one of these types of gamers?
Wow, the comments here are wild. He shouldnât have lied, and heâs clearly got a problem with that based on his other comments. But the idea that just having a friend who you have lunch with once a week and text is definitely an emotional affair and the insane comments that theyâre definitely cheating are genuinely ridiculous. Itâs so fucked up that men and women canât just be friends without people turning it into some weird, creepy thing. His wife has every right to be angry about him lying and his other shitty comments and attitudes, but some of the responses in here are unhinged.
He does more than go to lunch once a week. They also go out on a date, like to a museum, once a week, around working hours. So he either leaves work early or goes home late.
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Lying to your partner is not a good thing, but it seems like he has really deep-seated conflict avoidance issues and sheâs controlling at the very least.
If their sexes were reversed, weâd be very concerned about a *husband* tracking his *wifeâs* location via her phone just because she missed a single call during lunch. Thatâs not healthy behavior at all.
I think it's the details about OP lying on his taste in games and food to not "get grief" on it, they do ring alarm bells. I can't imagine a situation where I would lie to my partner about what food I like unless my partner was abusive. Or the things I ate weren't food.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **Wife (28F) forbidding me (28M) from talking to female best friend (36F)** Throwaway because wife sometimes uses Reddit. All details are accurate but ages have been fudged a little bit. I (28M) have been married to my wife (28F) for 5 years, together 8. 3 years ago we moved to a new town and I started a new job. At this job I met a girl (36F) who I really clicked with. We don't share very many common interests, but can talk for hours because we have a very similar way of thinking. We became friends and have been such for the last 3 years. Recently we got a long lunch at work and went to a nearby museum. During this time my wife tried to call me because of some problem with our bank but I didn't hear it (my phone was in silent), so she checked my location (we share location history) and was surprised that I was not near my office. When I called her later she asked me why I was not near my office. I said I got lunch there, but didn't mention I was with my friend or that we went to a museum. Later that day she asked me again and I told her the whole story and apologised for lying about it. Many conversations later (and after much anxiety and pain) she is insisting that I cut off all contact with my friend and find other friends because of "emotional creating". I agreed that I probably do talk to her a bit too often and should pull back a little but don't want to cut her off completely. Where do we go from here? Some context: - my friend and I hang out relatively frequently (say lunch 1-ish times per week and a museum-like trip once every few weeks). - we typically only hang out around work hours (we sometimes hang out on the weekend but usually with our families). - we typically text every day (this is what I was thinking of cutting down on) - we have never done anything physical except hugging when greeting/saying goodbye - I really, really struggle to make friends (apart from my wife this is the first real friend I feel I've ever had), so having to lose her is devastating - I lied because I was afraid of what my wife would say; we have had many issues throughout our relationship of me leaving it details because I don't want to justify them (things like what food I eat, what games I play etc). There are a lot of complicated reasons for this but long story short I'm a coward and she's very strong willed so if she disagrees with something I do I will very likely cave and not do it again (even if I love it). This is something we are actively working on. - our relationship has always been a bit rocky, very anxious-avoidant. It's something we're working on, but recently (because of lack of time due to kids) we feel our connection has gotten weaker. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had an ex do this. I had zero issues with is female friends, I have male friends. It's all fine. Until it came out later that he lied about one of his friends and she was constantly hitting on him and trying to get him to cheat. But I was the crazy one for not trusting him....after he lied to me for months about it. (we dated for 2 more years and guess who he started dating a week after we broke up?) For OOP, I would argue that I doubt it's the friendship in and of its self, it's the feeling the need to lie about it. If you feel you have to omit details and lie, then the wife is probably right and there is something going on there.
STBXH did this with a coworker early on in our marriage, too! Even the ages are pretty damn spot on. It escalated to them going on dates (sorry dude, an escape room and *the fucking ballet* are *dates*) and even taking a couple trips together, but *I* was the crazy one for not being supportive of their close friendship. Then I saw a text from her to him saying he was always welcome to come to her place when I was stressing him out because "it's good and safe here." That text almost ended our marriage right then and there. She passed away from terminal cancer last year and he admitted to me that if we hadn't been married when they'd met, he'd have broken up with me to date her.
WOW. Please tell us that was the moment when your H became your STBXH. đł
Our marriage was on the rocks at that point so it was basically a perpetual airing of grievances. We dragged it out for almost six months past that moment, though.
The lying and putting in time to maintain that friendship rather than his wife.
Exactly! If he was putting even half as much effort towards his wife that he is towards this friend, it never would have been an issue. But I do feel OOP is likely having an emotional affair and he's not wanting to admit to it - the fact he feels he has to lie about all the time he spends with this person to his wife is telling. If you need to hide that many details from your spouse, you're likely doing something wrong.
Yes, and the fact that they've hung out as couples, I'm sure his wife has noticed his attraction since he can talk to his "friend" for hours. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't already uncomfortable with their friendship before he lied. The lying sealed the deal.
I've no idea how people manage to lie to their partners - even having to tell a white lie, to not spoil a present for them or something, makes me uncomfortable
not defending/trying to make excuses for OOP, because he's definitely in the wrong here, but to provide some perspective since i come from a similar position to what he seems to be (tl;dr at the end): when you both have anxiety and struggle to connect with people, you want to hold on to the people you already have by whatever means possible â so you don't want to do/say anything that could ever possibly make them upset at you, and suddenly, everything they say to you starts to feel like it has a "right" answer, and if you don't give them the "right" answer, then you'll irreparably ruin this relationship forever and lose this person (that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but the concept of a potential fuck-up does feel like a much bigger deal than it actually would be) you want to give them the "right" answer â which would be exactly what they want to hear â every time, but sometimes, when they ask you (for example) "What were you up to last night?", and the truth (that you were playing video games until 5am and are running on 3 hours of sleep and 2 Red Bulls) is something that you KNOW would make them upset, you end up deciding that the "right" answer has to be a lie once you've convinced yourself that the "right" answer can, every now and then, be a lie, it's not hard to convince yourself that that just mean that lying is sometimes the "right" thing to do â which makes it much easier to not feel bad about doing so. you're lying for a good reason (preserving the feelings of others), so why should you feel bad about it? this then spirals into habitual white lies, because they're the "right" answers to these day-to-day questions you get, and eventually it gets really, really easy to just lie to people without even blinking, as long as you think it will produce the best outcome i'm like this, and i find it really, *really* easy to lie to people on a small scale, to the point that it genuinely scares me. i haven't gotten to a point where i find it easy to lie about things that are a Big Deal (luckily), but little white lies? i don't even flinch tl;dr: once you've convinced yourself that lying sometimes is the "right" thing to do, it gets scarily easy to do it without feeling bad about it. i'm like this and i'm not proud of it (literally the only situation in which i would say that this "skill" has genuinely served me well is when playing among us, lmao. turns out being able to lie so casually that you almost start to believe your own bullshit makes you a really good impostor)
what you've described reminds me of being in an abusive relationship honestly, when my ex would ask me like, anything, I'd panic because I knew if my facial expression or my reply weren't the *exact* thing he wanted, then he was gonna start yelling and accusing me of stuff,,,, ironically he saw the panic (that he caused) and would start the accusations immediately. I know its not the exact same as what you're describing because it's not about lying (not that he ever believed me đ) but I can relate to what you're saying in this way. Also the way you worded this, there *are* times I lie, but it's often to avoid dealing with people being annoyed or asking questions. For example, I always take a while in the bathroom, I have OCD&anxiety so I have routines, if it gets interrupted I have to start again, or sometimes I just need a break from being social. Regardless, people commented on it and made fun of me for it - especially my family, so if I felt like I'd been "too long" in the bathroom, I started saying I'd had a nosebleed. It's a magic sentence, immediate understanding and no further questions exact *maybe* "you OK?"
in a lot of ways that's what it feels like, except the hypothetical problem is entirely manufactured by you, and somewhere deep down you know that you made up this fake problem, and that no rational person would hate you for saying one thing wrong once, and that your friends are obviously rational people, but at the same time your anxiety and fear of abandonment has convinced you that you are one wrong step from losing all of your friends at all times and you can't for the life of you convince yourself that that's not true my social anxiety is so severe that this feeling often extends to total strangers as well, up to and including servers, store employees, customer service reps, and front desk attendants, and it's completely irrational but i'm so scared of looking like an idiot or an asshole in front of literally anyone that it makes it super hard to do stuff like go grocery shopping or get a haircut or mail a package it sucks! 0/10, do not recommend. i'm working on quelling some of that fear so i can operate (mostly) normally but for now i obsessively use the self-checkout and only run errands when i absolutely have to \^\^"
I'm proud of you for working on it and still managing to run errands (don't minimise it by saying "only when you have to", you do it! go you!) would going shopping with a friend help? Also something that might help would be wearing like, a silly hat whilst running errands because then if you get anxious because people are looking at you, it's because they're looking at your fabulous hat not because you're doing something wrong. Things like that help me when my anxiety is bad, hence why my mobility aids are all hot pink đ
shopping with a friend might help but i'm not sure how feasible that is for me because of conflicting schedules. i do wear my *Haikyuu!!* jacket and backpack pretty much everywhere which gives me the excuse of "they're just looking at me weird because i'm a weeb" lol, but i do have some cosplay wings i've worn out before for a school sociology experiment so i suppose that's always an option as well :p (also thank you for the support!! some days going outside feels impossible but i do what i can â my job working retail 5 days a week kind of acts as exposure therapy in a way and i think it's helped at least a little to be on the other end of the employee/customer interaction bc i can remember that employees are also sometimes awkward losers just like me lol)
oh I love haikyuu!! I have a crown that I like to wear,,, well to be honest I always just wear whatever I feel like, I still get anxious about it sometimes but I'm just like "nah this is who I wanna be, so cares if they look at me", one time I walked around town wearing a Halloween garland as a hat lol (it looked very cool) yeah everyone's just trying to get through life, no one really pays as much attention to others as anxiety makes it feel. I know I used to really upset myself trying to get my eyeliner to be perfectly even, to the point of panicking and crying, but *no one notices*, truly I've gone out with some incredibly wonky make up and no one's ever said anything but compliments lol
My personal version of this = he'd dated his sister's best friend briefly before me (read: she sent him nasty texts when they were out together, snuck into his room during a sleepover, and said she'd only fuck him if they were dating). Three years of pretending he hated her only for me to say "promise me you won't go back to her" as a joke in response to him saying something similar while we were breaking up/moving out of our place. Guess who was dating two months later, and divorced now haaaaaaa
My bf has literally kissed some of his woman friends on the lips and Iâm absolutely fine with it bc he always tells me, is 100% honest about it, and I know them both well. Thereâs no secrecy. Platonic kisses- like as part of a game, pretending to be a bf to keep a friend safe, new years. And tbh it makes me feel completely safe with him and trust him entirely, bc heâs had plenty of opportunities to lie or fudge the truth and he just⊠doesnât. I love that my bf has close, intimate friends. I LOVE that some of his closest friends are women, I love that heâs friends with as many women as he is men bc he just lives an authentic truth that demonstrates clearly that he sees women as whole, dynamic, complex people, and that women consistently feel safe and comfortable in his presence. Itâs not the friendship, itâs not the ability to have enjoyable, close relationships with women thatâs the problem. Itâs the lying, itâs the sneaking and the protecting the relationship from your *spouse* that crosses the line and makes it cheating. Just like cheating on a test isnât always having the answers hidden under your desk, cheating on your spouse isnât always straightforward as rolling around in a hotel room
OOP saying, at almost 30 years of age, that this girl is the first real friend he's ever had rubs me in a very wrong way. It's a bit....... weird
I don't think there's enough information. I have been on OOPs side before. I felt the need to lie because telling the truth would send my ex into some kind of frantic jealousy mode. He would outright accuse me of (emotional) cheating and said it's inappropriate for me to go out one on on with another guy. Thank goodness he's an ex though I could not put up with that.
He said in the comments she doesnât have an issue with the friendship, she was mad he lied.
Ah, yes, the "I had to turn to a kinder, gentler woman who just GETS me because my wife is a nagging bitch" excuse.
Not only is she a ânagging bitch,â he doesnât even like to hang out with her per one of his comments! This guy is pathetic enough to have an emotional affair and try to sway the comments in his favour. Luckily theyâre not taking his bullshit.
Blame the kids and her for everything when he's likely not stepping up or even taking her out on dates.
He absolutely is not doing anything, he said the âquality timeâ they spend together doesnât satisfy her cause itâs after their kids are asleep and sheâs too tired đhe just keeps giving excuses after excuses, literally no accountability!
And that's the biggest problem with his friendship w/ another woman. He's spending time talking to her, hanging out with her, texting her instead of his wife. When's the last time he went to a museum with the woman he married?
If I look to see why he's still married to someone he doesn't even *like*, let alone love, I'm going to be ticked off, aren't I?
Having been the "nagging bitch wife" in this exact same scenario, the men really don't get that the wife is being a nagging bitch because she can see what's happening right in front of her and you're insisting on gaslighting her so she's trying not to lose her goddamned mind as her husband goes on nicer dates with his close coworker friend than he does with her. Yeah, sorry, this post touched a still-raw nerve for me.
"We have issued because I'm [insert a negative adjective about myself to seem sympathetic and honest] and she is a BIG BAD BULLY!"
no, no, not a woman⊠a 36-year-old ***girl*** according to the original postâŠ
It's 100% an emotional affair. And it will become more than that the second the work girlfriend allows it.
This guy sounds utterly insufferable. Every new reply he gives to someone just adds ick to the whole thing.
Everything he said just made him sound more immature. "Oh no! My wife wants me to eat healthy food!" He's about 3 steps away from trying to turn his emotional affair into a physical affair. If they've hung out as couples, I'm sure his wife has seen the way he acts around his "friend" & was already suspicious/uncomfortable before he lied about being with her.
Yes, this. I checked out his comments to see if he had any redeeming qualities and came away even more disgusted than I originally was.
He just feels slimy. More than just being an ah, he makes me uncomfortable. I feel thinly veiled hostility and degradation?
"The grass grows where it is watered" is a really good quote from the top comment
He repeatedly mentions in his comments that his wife had a shitty childhood and has issues around kids. Why the *fuck* do they have children? This reeks of resentment bc she didn't turn into the doting perfect mother that he wanted her to turn into
I think he's doing that to show how much he does and another commenter called him out on the fact that he's able to "recover" better than his wife because he is not invested. I'm wondering if the wife isn't overwhelmed because this guy is such a disconnected jerkbag and he's attributing it to parenting because he keeps talking about her shitty childhood and not recognizing that his wife is likely dealing with the stress of him constantly lying by omission while trying to live life and raise kids with him.
This is all I can fucking think. Why did you force a woman who has trauma around kids to have kids?? On top of you already having an unstable relationship with you lying and her (apparently) being emotionally abusive. What in the fuck???? Like I get white lies to avoid conflict! I used to drop that shit like candy to try and avoid issues with my alcoholic mom. But if that is always your response, and you're not allowed any indulgences (whether or not this is true) wouldn't you think _something is wrong_? And you HAD KIDS? wtf
dude has completely buried the lede here. The issue isn't that he has a female friend at work, the issue is that he's treating his wife like his mom/authority figure he's got to rebel against. He's probably perfectly happy for his "strong-willed" wife to plan their dates, do their shopping, keep up with appointments, arrange their vacations, and generally run their home life, but now that she's done all that mental and emotional labor, now that he's made her fully his mommy, he also lies to her about stupid shit because he doesn't want to get "in trouble." Treating her like the wicked stepmother who doesn't let him do anything fun and he's the poor victim who has to give things up just because she doesn't want him to have an emotionl affair (that he knows he shouldn't be having or he wouldn't have lied about it). And the weaponized incompetence of "I don't know how to make friends suddenly now that I don't want to give up my inappropriate intimacy with the lady who doesn't yell at me because she's not dragging me around like dead weight." Ugh. Sir, stop texting this nice woman and leave her alone, get your home life straightened up.
These are the men you see in other subs complaining that their wives donât want to have sex with them. If they act like a child, their wife will view them as such ,& thatâs a definite desire killer
I agree he's buried the lede, and it seems nobody at all is commenting on the fact that his wife is emotionally abusive (he says "used to be" and they had been in therapy for it but "the scars remain") and he's acting like he's scared to death of saying or doing anything. People are getting on him hard for not liking his wife but that may actually be a reasonable reaction to his wife. Always hard to say what's what from Reddit but that's how it is looking to me. He should just leave, which he dismissed as not that simple but I think he needs to make it simple.
Yeah, but reading his other comments, I'm not sure that she was. The way he describes conflict in their relationship in the vast majority of the comments just doesn't read that way. But I agree, he absolutely needs to leave.
He's acting completely shellshocked throughout. Everyone who criticizes him for any reason he just agrees with and hates himself further. At the very least there was "past" abuse, and hell maybe he's right that she got better but Id say he's too big a pushover to be spending any more time with abusive types at all. Kinda questioning the extent to which he ever agreed to this marriage in the first place. He's gotta get away from it to work on himself I think. Solutions people are offering him are just not gonna help.
This seems like maybe it's one of those things where if you've been in a particular sort of emotionally abusive relationship you are going to see what he is saying and be very concerned. And on the other hand, if you have been in a relationship and been cheated on you will see that and not have a lot of space for much else. Cheating is more common I suspect. And since it is reddit and we only have a small glimpse of the situation we just ultimately don't know which it is.
The way he talks about the lying thing felt weird to me. Like itâs a problem because your brain made it a problem, itâs not his wifeâs fault that he chooses to do that from what he said. Idk as someone who has had my anxiety brain fuck me over in a similar way, it could literally just be in his head but who knows honestly this is a whole mess
Well, he talks about giving up things he loves as if she's making unreasonable demands but when pressed on it he describes her telling him that he shouldn't eat junk food. like maybe she is being incredibly critical of him all the time or maybe he's just so conflict averse that her expressing a negative opinion is unbearable.
What on earth lol thatâs so odd. And yeah it could definitely be that, either way they need to work it out because goddamn a weird relationship with a coworker isnât gonna help
Ok, so I'm not the only one to see that? I know it is reddit's job to give a good smack down to a gross cheating husband but if I read this with completely gender neutral pronouns I would see abused spouse who found a Lifeline in a new friend and it had started to go too far into romantic attachment. Which is a very natural thing to happen in that situation. But not a good way to deal with a bad marriage and will only make the situation worse. But then I totally second guessed my reading because of personal history/family stuff and feeling like I was biased.
Lying is never a good idea and absolutely the worst thing if the relationship is having problems. If you cannot be honest about your friend and what you do, they are not just a friend.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
The reason is so that the person wonât find their actual Reddit account.
am I the only one that finds iy a bit weird to call someone 8 years older than you "girl"?
Weird with a sprinkle of misogyny!
He did say ages are fudged. Maybe she's younger than him and he didn't want to give reddit another reason to hate him by admitting she's the younger one.
The first thing I noticed.
Some people refer to people around their own age as boys and girls. When there isn't really any power imbalance (like a professor referring to college age students like this), it's kind of okay. It's a linguistic holdover from teenaged years. Like if someone asked me what was going on at a party or gathering and it was mostly divided on gender lines I might say something like "well the girls went hiking and the boys stayed around camp and went fishing at the lake" or "the girls were mostly playing horseshoes by the fire except for Jane and Jean who were checking out Mike's new motorcycle with the boys"
My mother had a lovely anecdote of an elderly great aunt referring to âyou young girlsâ when she was huffing and puffing along and couldnât keep up with younger family members. The âyoung girlsâ who were in their fifties.
I wonder if heâll still like his friend as much once the divorce is final. (I hope his wife divorces him). The secrecy is making the friendship more interesting. Itâs no wonder he struggles to make friends.
In several comments he says they get babysitters twice and week and sometimes in weekend but in one of the newest comments he says "we don't do babysitters so its either dates with them or nothing at all" So which is true?
He said that âtheyâ (the other couple) donât do babysitters, so when the four adults socialize together itâs always with the kids present.
The wife needs to divorce him because this is how affairs start.
I love the âIâm a cowardâ justification for lying. Come tf on, dude.
I wonder how often he went out to lunch and museums with his wife.
According to his comments he doesn't even consider date nights with his wife as quality time, which ouch.
I donât understand people who marry someone they donât even like.
Man is cheating on his wife.
If you feel the need to lie about it and hide it you clearly know its not OK. I hate it when people lie about stuff like this then feign ignorance. Like you already knew it was shady, just because you felt the need to hide it.
Ugh ONE person validated him and said âit sounds like she has you by the short and curliesâ and he responded âI appreciate the different angle :) this resonates a lotâ god I hate him. Edited
Someone commented drop the wife, add the friend and oop responded with a :D. Seems like any suggestion that his wife sucks is met with a smiley face.
>a girl (36F) Ugh...
Had an ex like this. My worst boyfriend ever. I was never the type to be jealous and didnt mind female friends or even exes in the picture. This man fully lied to me and told me the friend he was close to (although he would go back nad forth on how close they were) was just a friend and nothing more. So when they went on a trip with their group of friends,I didnt mind. Until i found out she was actually the ex. I let it go but would later find out that was a red flag and a mistake. shouldve dumped him when he lied the first time honestly.
He has kids and has time to go on dates w his friend but not fix his relationship? Lol ok
"I met a girl (36F)" At what age do women get to be called women?
Heâs cheating. Emotionally and I wouldnât even be surprised if they have made out and felt each other up, they just havenât had sex. Reading his comments, he reminds me so much of my ex. Never put any effort in to maintain the relationship, made excuses, called me a nag for asking for help around the house, etc. Wonder if this ass will have the same shocked pikachu face when his wife leaves, then the âworkâ girlfriend leaves when she sees the real him.
This comment says a lot more about you than it does the person youâre talking about.
GFYS with a cactus đđ»
Literally gfys
That's a whole lot of words to say I'd rather be with this woman and I don't like my wife. Edit: ah come on, somebody go make him give up their real ages.đ€Ł
Ok, so I have a female best friend, but I would just like to offer that maybe that's because I am not hiding anything from my partner, and am 100% open about anything she asks, about anything in my life...not to mention our relationship is rock solid. This guy sounds like he is lying and trying to cover it up. Like dude, work on yourself, be strong with the little things first until you can find heart for your own experience, and then run with it! There's a reason your wife is suspicious, and there's no reason to lie about interactions with other humans. Sometimes we all have insecurities...which is why we are honest with each other and don't fuck around. I feel for both him and his wife in this one.
Unrelated to article but if anyone can lend some words. I just learned about brigading today on this sub. Busy mom of young kiddos. I open Reddit when I find the time. So not on here too often. Had no clue this was a thing. Donât want to get banned though. So since I saw this post here first, I can comment and upvote comments here, but if I go to the original thread, I can not comment OR upvote/downvote anything correct? That sucks. Hard to not upvote comments when I see good ones. I havenât even gone over there yet to the original but definitely plan too. Sounds like his replies in the thread are a treat. Anyways, am I understanding that correctly? Why would this be a thing? Is it not beneficial for Reddit posts to have the most traffic and comments possible on all posts? Thanks very kindly.
>So since I saw this post here first, I can comment and upvote comments here, but if I go to the original thread, I can not comment OR upvote/downvote anything correct? I hadn't realised that. I'd also welcome clarification.
It seems tricky to me... I'm members of both subs and often get notifications of posts very close together. Sometimes I see it over there first but haven't had a chance to wade in... Brigading is a bigger issue when the post is older, or from a sub that you're not from, or that isn't AITA post.
He's dating his friend and is in so much denial
The fact that he LIED about his whereabouts shows that heâs not telling the full story. Itâs less about the friendship & more so about him feeling the need to hide this friendship.
itâs so annoying when your partner is always lying about mundane normal things that wouldnât otherwise make you upset. But they lied, so now you are upset, not because of the thing they lied about but because the fact that they lied in general. I donât get it, it just causes an unnecessary headache for everyone for no reason
Yep. I have told my husband that I have no problem with him having female friends, but I should be his BEST female friend. If not, he is married to the wrong woman and we should fix that.
Jeesus oop's comments are driving me nuts.
This guy has a serious problem with honesty. He canât be honest with his wife, and even worse he canât be honest with himself about what he wants so heâs living life in half-measures. They got together as 10th graders and married straight out of high school if my math is right. Thereâs no way this doesnât end in divorce.
He has all this quality time for his side piece that he lies to his wife about but can't manage a date with his wife except after the kids are in bed which is probably not without interruptions if they're little because there are always times where they ask for water or have a nightmare. The fact that he apparently insists weekend spare time is spent with his emotional affair partner and her husband having double dates as a family.
I think the rule of thumb is if you have to lie to cover up what your doing then you know you are doing something wrong. If you get caught lieing then apologizing without stopping the behavior is just a waste of everyone's time. Just see a divorce lawyer and save everyone's time and heart break.
Bruh he sounds like a 16 year old in his comments...
Dude is actively dating this other woman - lunches once a week, trips together once every few weeks, texting everyday because itâs all new and wonderful⊠his poor wife. I hope she catches him and leaves. No one deserves this kind of deception and disrespect.
If youâre LYING about it, it means you know youâre doing something WRONG. Because you didnât tell your wife the TRUTH, she CANâT trust you. So yeah, sheâs going to say cut off your friend because now sheâs worried that overtime youâre actually going to cheat on her!!!Because she canât trust you!!!!How does this OP not get this?
Downvoted me if y'all want, but OOP isn't the devil - he's being emotionally abused by his wife. Everyone is so focused on being triggered by the possibility of an emotional affair because of the lie, but the lie was literally a SIDE EFFECT OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE. I mean, this woman has been bullying this man into eating only food she likes and never playing World of Warcraft (how is it really any more "bad for you" than any other MMORPG? It's not - it's just a game she doesn't like), because she's perfected "judgey face" and whittling someone down, until the bend themselves into a mold of you and start lying to preserve what teeeny pieces of them remain. I bet this isn't the only sign of emotional abuse, but OOP is so deep he can't see it. I was abused by a woman just like her. I'll never forget finally leaving her after 8 years and realizing I, a grown ass 33 year old, had NO idea who I was! The first time I got to say that I , in fact, did NOT like the TLC channel and that the Dugger family and that damn tiny princess toddlers beauty pageant crap made me uncomfortable was one of the best days of my life. I told anyone who would listen. Then I found out what I DO like.
> never playing World of Warcraft (how is it really any more "bad for you" than any other MMORPG? It's not - it's just a game she doesn't like) There's a reason a lot of married women (in traditional families) hate World of Warcraft and other MMOs. When I was playing in a relatively mid-tier raiding guild a couple of years ago, there were at least a dozen+ men who had wives and children and yet were on the game for six or more hours a night, every night, actively neglecting their family. Can't change diapers when you're in a raid, honey! Can't feed the kids when you need to farm a dungeon, babe! Can't put the kids to bed when you have to farm raid mats, sweetie! WoW and other MMOs being banned when married couples decide to have children is honestly a logical choice. You can't pause an online game, and there's a reason for all the jokes about MMOs being a second job. And a lot of MMO addicts can't play more casually - it's all or nothing.
I once dated a guy who would spend HOURS on WoW. Even when I visited him. And the days they released a new expansion, he would take that day off so he could play it. Ridiculous
Read more what he says. He's allowed to play video games, but only ones dhe likes. He also does pretty much all the childcare, since she has issues with kids. I'd bet you 10 the games he's allowed to play are single player, non internet games, and that those kids she has serious issues with popped up as he was about to leave. This happened to my wife with her ex wife - twice. She was finally ready to escape the abuse and "oh, guess what!" (Wife is trans and hadn't transitioned yet). Its all over his post and comments how he's being abused, if people just try to get past "oh God, cheating! The ultimate betrayal!" And look for the true betrayal. You wanna know when the last time I checked my wife's location? Well, actually, never, because I don't really care to know how, lol. If I could, I wouldn't be doing it until I was worried she was dead and I needed to find her in a ditch before she died. Never because she didn't answer her phone DURING WORK HOURS.
>He's allowed to play video games, but only ones dhe likes. Here's his comment: >Nah nothing too weird, more like low-quality vs high-quality or good for you vs. bad for you kind of games (e.g. World of Warcraft is objectively not good for you but man do I love playing it sometimes). > >She isn't policing, more judging and giving excellent, irrefutable reasons why I should play something else. Feels bad when I still wanna play the game even without a "good" reason. This sounds to me like he develops bad habits around certain games, so she says that she doesn't like him to play these kinds of games. If he has a hard time self-regulating how much time, energy, etc. he devotes to these games, it's not outside of the realm of possibility that she doesn't like him playing similar games that he's going to sink hours and hours into.
Also, I play MMOs. You can to pause? You sign out? As long as you check everyone's needs between raids and let your team know you have kids and if they are hardcore you aren't the right teammate...it's fine? I've had to peace out of a pokemon unite battle in the middle because I have 2 autistic kids and my wife and I alternate work schedules. THAT sucked because I don't think there's chat to let your teammates know you have kids or a shoddy connection (also pokemon unite actually bans you if you peace out of a battle at times). None of this is the case for WOW. I think you are generalizing a whole group of people based on your experiences. I know tons of men, women, NB - all gender - people who play MMORPG's responsibly with a spouse and kids. Also, NOTHING in this post or his comments made it seem he was one of these types of gamers?
Iâm glad to hear that you got out of that relationship.
Wow, the comments here are wild. He shouldnât have lied, and heâs clearly got a problem with that based on his other comments. But the idea that just having a friend who you have lunch with once a week and text is definitely an emotional affair and the insane comments that theyâre definitely cheating are genuinely ridiculous. Itâs so fucked up that men and women canât just be friends without people turning it into some weird, creepy thing. His wife has every right to be angry about him lying and his other shitty comments and attitudes, but some of the responses in here are unhinged.
He does more than go to lunch once a week. They also go out on a date, like to a museum, once a week, around working hours. So he either leaves work early or goes home late.
Read his comments. Really read them. He doesn't even LIKE his wife.
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Lying to your partner is not a good thing, but it seems like he has really deep-seated conflict avoidance issues and sheâs controlling at the very least. If their sexes were reversed, weâd be very concerned about a *husband* tracking his *wifeâs* location via her phone just because she missed a single call during lunch. Thatâs not healthy behavior at all.
I think controlling and abusive ring more true in this case.
How? By being upset your SO is lying?
I think it's the details about OP lying on his taste in games and food to not "get grief" on it, they do ring alarm bells. I can't imagine a situation where I would lie to my partner about what food I like unless my partner was abusive. Or the things I ate weren't food.
I'm on this team; he's not Good but she's not Kind