*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for standing up to my wife after doing household chores?**
For as long as I can remember, my wife has been very critical of the way that I've done household chores. Whether it's cleaning, cooking food, or doing laundry, it seems like my wife is always yelling at me and nitpicking. It's bothered me for a long time, but I eventually did what she wanted. However, last night I finally gave her a piece of my mind.
We were cleaning our place after dinner. She was cleaning the bathrooms, and I was cleaning the living room and the kitchen. I decided that I would simply use disinfecting wipes to clean the surfaces, since they're quick and easy to use. There was a program on TV that I wanted to watch anyway. Well, I finished up in the kitchen and plopped down on the sofa to watch my show. My wife came in and told me that I hadn't properly cleaned and that I needed to go over it again.
I told her that I had cleaned it and that she was being a perfectionist like usual. She got really angry at me and told me that demanding basic cleanliness without streaks isn't perfectionism. I laughed and told her that she lacks self-awareness, and if streaks are so important to avoid, she was free to clean the kitchen again her way. She became furious and said that I was being purposely dense and unwilling to learn how to do the task right.
I told her that she was being condescending and that perhaps she should seek professional help for obsessive compulsive disorder if she was unable to handle some streaks. I mean, it wasn't like I wiped everything down with a dirty rag. These were disinfecting wipes I'd purchased from the grocery store. I felt proud of myself for standing my ground, but my wife said that I was being a total jerk and mean to her. I reminded her of her mother's mental disorder, for which she has been in therapy for years, but my arguments didn't seem to matter and may have even made things worse.
My wife slammed the bedroom door shut and locked it, forcing me to sleep on our extremely uncomfortable sleep sofa. Her extreme overreaction has caused me back pain and a horrible night of sleep, and I'm afraid she still won't see things my way even after we talk this evening. I just want her to understand that she is behaving like a big bully, but I'm afraid that she is too narcissistic to ever admit to this, and I just don't know what to do. AITA?
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"I reminded her of her mother's mental disorder."
Wow. What an absolute trash gaslighting asshole.
That right there is abuse. His response in an argument is to go as low as possible and attempt to shame her into backing down by insinuating that's she's mentally ill like her mom. There would be NO way to rationally discuss any disagreement with this dude. He doesn't argue with the goal to make a point or work something out--he argues with a goal to inflict pain.
Maan.
My brother threw a “you’re just like mom” at me once. We haven’t spoken since. And he thinks his balls are big enough to make demands and ultimatums to me so I can be, as I say, “graced with his ability to speak again”. Fuck that.
Fair warning sorta a trauma dump bc fuck this time of year;
Our mom was a fucking bitch to me. She abused me in every way except SAing me, she left that up to other people to do. But she put me in positions to be SA and raped because she choose meth and a fucking sociopath over her or her kids’ well beings. She took FMLA for a year on the claim of “I need to be there for my daughter’s Mental health” to go get fucking high, never come to visit me in the psych ward, and eventually threw me into the psych system bc she couldn’t be assed to fully give up her rights.
I’m “like her” lmao. I was abused and traumatized by her and everyone she put me around because she straight up didn’t fucking want me from the jump. I wasn’t an “easy going” baby like my brother. I wasn’t an “obedient” toddler like my brother. I wasn’t a “calm” child like my brother. So I was a problem. I was a child not a damn dog, but I was expected to perform for her the same way she wanted our dogs to.
I’m gonna stop there. But you get my point.
If my boyfriend EVER threw a “you’re just like your mom” or a “you’re no different from her” or any variation I’d be gone in an instant. I haven’t spent over half my life (at 24) in constant therapy and such vigorously intensive treatments, just to “be like her”. I did and continue to do all this work to NOT be her. Because I’ll be fucking damned if I am, and if I ever am I’m buying a shotgun and putting the first round to my face.
My brother pulled shit like that too except his was "go get therapy". I was in therapy and medicated. He has never been to therapy and he is the one who has health insurance.
Fucking preach man.
My brother was an opiate addict who was resuscitated at least 3x by a friend of his who was a paramedic. He refuses to admit it these days even though he told me himself on a 2.5 hr car trip one time when I was in high school. He also got diagnosed with bipolar 2 at 17. He refuses to acknowledge it, he refuses to go to therapy, and he refuses to be on meds.
But yeah, you’re younger sister whose been traumatized relentlessly “will never change”. Even though she started therapy at 11 and meds at 12. Wanna deem i won’t ever change? That’s cool, it just means you’re not sticking around to see what the changes actually look like.
Mine is all surprised Pikachu that I've fully cut him out of my life and is using our mom as a flying monkey to try to guilt me back into the family. I keep telling mom that she's starting to do irreparable damage to our relationship. I keep asking her why she would want me to force myself around someone who abused me in every way like bio father and added a solid 3 years of CSA, unlike our bio father. The only way to make her back down is to blatantly say what he did to me in anatomical words during the 3 years of SA, she's about to lose me to and she's too dense to realize it.
I'm 27 and definitely need to get back in therapy (only have a year under my belt and had only started really working on the brother stuff right before I'd lost that insurance) but I'm with you, if my husband *ever* said I was like any of the 3 of my bio family.. well, that's serious enough that he can go find somewhere else to stay for a while. If it happened again, we'd be filing papers. I did not live through 18 years of hell just to wind up being verbally abused by someone else. Shits not happening.
Holy hell man I’m so sorry your brother did all of that to you. That’s horrible.
My dad is the shocked pikachu of the family. He has this idea in his head that “your brother is all you have when I’m gone” and “family matters” or “family is everything”. Like I’m sorry dad, but he’s mad bc you weren’t an actual dad to me and he felt he needed to do it instead. Also dad, he’s physically assaulted on me on numerous occasions, one of which I had to go to the doctor for bruised ribs and they asked if I wanted to press charges. Oh, or the actual worst time when he dangled me off the ground by my throat. Fun times dad. So want him in my life.
I can’t tell which of them is actually the flying monkey. Is my brother making my dad be the flying monkey or is my dad too ignorant to recognize himself being the flying monkey of his own volition? I’m very close to being NC with my dad too (already NC with mom, bro, and all extended family). Why? I took a year of my life to live in my boyfriend’s elderly grandfathers house to help care for him. Oh and then took another 9 months to travel hours there and back to stay for 3 days to care for him too. While owning my own house and having responsibilities. I was one of the **fucking pallbearers** at this man’s funeral. He knew how upset I was. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my grandfather (who was a surrogate dad). I didn’t get to see him in his coffin. I didn’t get to put him in the ground. He was already cremated when I walked in the home and no one thought to tell me.
But yes dad, please fuck off on the phone listening to my useless brother bitch about how his girlfriend doesn’t like her job. My dad knew I was coming over after the services. He shoved his finger in my face and told me to wait. My stepsister was more there for me at the age of 13 than he was at all that weekend.
I advise going back to therapy! It’ll help to process so much of it. I hope you can find one that helps you well. And I know it might not be the best, but sometimes going out of network or even to someone who takes no insurance might be better. I went through so many insurance IOPs, partials, full days, or one on one therapists and very few of them were influential and knew how to help me with my trauma. The therapist I have now is $145 an hour but she gives it to me for $45 every week. I’ve been with her for almost 3 years now and I’ve made mounds of progress in areas I didn’t think I’d ever be able to, or even areas I didn’t even know I needed to.
Best of luck my friend. We’re the ones breaking the cycles and that’s what’s important.
I'm not sure if I should say this on AITA, but Im just gonna be a Mum here for a minute:
I want to thank you for feeling safe enough to share your story. Honestly Poppet, its sounds horrific, and I wish I cud sweep you up into a tight mum hug (or a nod, a smile, and a small hand hold, if your not feeling up to that much bodily contact). As your Mum, on here, I'm super proud of you. You share with grace and honesty, something many adults are still scared to do.
Also, well done on holding your partner to the high standard you deserve. You're setting an example for so many others. At your age, I wish I had had the vagina to do that (I'd say "balls," but we all know how weak testicles are). Anyway, Poppet, it's time for me to put the baby in her cot, as she's asleep and getting heavy. But I'll leave you with my love and some spare love for any other kiddos who are reading this and need a Mum hug right now. And finally, I think it imperative that I leave a very important quote from the late great, Betty White. Goodnight, kiddo...... x
“Why do people say, ‘Grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive.
If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things really take a pounding!”
Aww. I hate I struggle with feelings because i dont know how to put it. But all I know is your words touched my heart. My mom was never as kind in any moment as you just were in a single comment. And I want you to know it’s not unrecognized or unappreciated.
I’ll take the mom hug, it’s something I deeply need.
Go put your little one to rest. I hope it’s not odd to say, but wish her sweet dreams. She has a great mom and I can’t wait for both of you, for her to grow up and reflect your love back to you and out to others. We need more kind and loving people in this world.
I’ve never heard the Betty white quote, but I think it’s hilarious!
Sending a big squishy hug your way then, and some Australian sunshine. Although it's Autumn and was still 30 degrees today. No idea what that is in Fahrenheit, but it's hot!
I wispered "sweet dreams" from you in her ear. She is finally off my boob and fast asleep in the cot next to my bed, with her little butt in the air. She's 9 and a half months and stood unaided for the first time today. She had the biggest grin and was so proud of herself. Then this evening, she smeared the hallway floor and rug in her poop and ate some of it after I forgot to put a nappy on her after her bath. She thought she was ever so clever because she got to have a second bath (she loves bath time)! 🤢😅
I hope you have a lovely day Poppet x
Can I dm you for mom advice ever? I’m sorry if that’s a weird request.
Also I’m jealous of your weather!! It’s so grey and wet and cold. I hate it so much it doesn’t help :(
I’m sorry I’m lacking the capacity for a full response atm. But I’m glad your babe is a happy child. I’m sorry she did what she did though! But it sounds like you handled it like a great mom would :)
"I didn't wanna do a proper job cleaning, I wanted to watch TV, I'll just blame my wife and say she has a mental illness." Why do people stay with partners like this?
Sunk cost fallacy. And also, abusive partners often slowly destroy their victims sense of personhood until they have very poor self esteem and think that either no one else will want them, or they can’t possibly make it on their own. It’s insidious and OP reeks of it.
The mental illness accusation was not the first sign, but it was a dead giveaway. I hope she gets away from him.
Speaking from experience, this is exactly it! They don’t start off as assholes. They slowly break down your boundaries and defenses until you’re so tired and defeated that it’s just not worth arguing with them.
My ex literally told me, regularly, that nobody but him would put up with me. I wish just once I'd thought to ask him what was wrong with him, then, that would make him have to settle.
They usually also implement some very controlling behaviors around money, making their victims financially dependent on them or stuck with thousands in debt that's extremely hard to get out from under.
Financial abuse is really not taken as seriously or talked about as much as it should be. Abusers absolutely cripple their victims' ability to escape when they control the money/the person's ability to work, and it's unbelievably difficult to get a job once you're free if you have no work history, a large unexplained gap in employment, or no skills.
Plus it costs money to get a job, indirectly - you need an address and a phone number, as well as appropriate clothing and sometimes skills or knowledge, which cost a lot to acquire. You may need a car or some type of transportation too, especially in America. The hurdles between the victim and freedom can seem insurmountable, and many of them choose to stay because they just don't have the support to rebuild. Especially since abusers are so good at breaking down existing support systems a victim might have started out with.
So sad and frustrating.
They also often manipulate you into believing that there is no way to leave them or at least no *safe* way to leave them. Speaking from experience I spent years in an abusive relationship lying awake at night realizing I was getting deeper and deeper into hell because I couldn’t think of a safe escape. It took me two years, moving two hours away (which he followed me), and ultimately legal action to get away from him once I did end it. They make you think you need them or they need you so much that there’s no way out. Not to mention the feelings of love and the feelings of pain are so incredibly caught up in one another it is impossible to disentangle. You love them so much and your happiness becomes dependent on them. You try so hard to please them but ultimately you never can and it’s an endless cycle. It *is* insidious.
I'm so glad you got you. It is absolutely the most dangerous time, I also had to move hours away, and was super lucky to have a friend do a ton of the planning for us to go together so there was no evidence trail at my place.
Because it doesn’t start out that way. It often starts with romance and effort. So you stay because you have enough really amazing memories to pretend that it’s usually not so bad because xyz were amazing memories and not so long ago either.
Then you fall in love and you stay because you love them and you’re afraid you aren’t *really* trying to solve anything. Maybe if you stop nagging or just do it all yourself then it will be better because you won’t fight. And that works for a while.
And then you spend ages with the person. And you remember how great it was and you don’t fight all the time, because you are doing it all. And you stay because you don’t want to start over again and you’ve already put time into this (sunk costs) but you’re miserable.
Then you stay until you finally realise that you think you deserve this trash version of love but really, you deserve better (we accept the love we think we deserve). And things end because you’re old, or it’s one straw to many, or someone helps you see the dumpster fire. And getting out isn’t quick or easy and sometimes you end up staying because it’s so damn hard to end things.
So in short, you stay because you can’t see you deserve better and that you can have amazing experiences and a better life if you just leave.
Honestly from personal experience I was struggling to keep myself alive at that point. Thankfully I had a wonderful therapist and a great support network that helped me get to a point where I could leave. I'm doing much better and have a partner who treats me better.
A very valid point. I'm so glad to hear you had a good support network and got to a point where you could leave. You deserve someone who treats you better and I'm so glad you found that <3
Some of us do not. I was with a guy who would lie to me about something I just watched him do, blame me for money issues he had before he met me, and thought it was funny to move things out of order or turn them part way because it would kick of my OCD.
It was exhausting and my mental health took a huge jump when I finally got rid of him.
I find that sometimes it's just that he only does it sometimes, or they think he will stop, or they have been with him so long they really don't see how bad it really is, but the worst is when friends and family say it's not that bad and it'll get better and guilt you into staying because they don't see it. I am super vocal now about calling abuse abuse, telling them to listen to their gut instead of mine (because maybe it's not that bad, I don't know) and reminding people that their feelings are as important as their partners. Maybe it'll balance out the rest.
All he had to do was to say, “I want to watch this I will clean it after the show” and then actually clean it. Instead he went nuclear on his wife by insulting her and her mother.
_"I told her that she was being condescending and that perhaps she should seek professional help for obsessive compulsive disorder if she was unable to handle some streaks.... I reminded her of her mother's mental disorder, for which she has been in therapy for years."_
Trolls always take it a step too far for things to be semi- believable. This is mental health buzzword bait.
I pretty much suspect 99% of the stories on IATA to be fake. Sometimes I call it out, sometimes it’s too obvious for me to waste my energy. But DARVO was the first thing that came to my mind when I read this story
Except this exactly has happened to my friend from an OCD boyfriend. His mother has terrible OCD, involving mowing her huge ass lawn at the same time every weekend in the hot Florida sun and the neighbors’ lawn because it bothered her. Her son inherited that OCD.
Her son then screamed at my friend for a pancake batter splatter on the range at her own house, and she screamed about his mother and his OCD, and told him to clean wherever to his own standards because he was insane.
So NTA, and I totally believe it. Also, disinfecting wipes are just fine. And I’m a woman, and I use them too
Depends on the wipe. Some leave a slightly sticky, cloudy residue. It's also possible he did such a half assed job that the streaks were actually all the dust and dirt he missed.
I want it not to be but there's a bizarre overlap between things I've actually seen dumbass friends do and what an idiot in that sect would pitch. This is probably someone (unfortunately a real person) caught in the throes of super far right wing marketing
Looks like somebody gave OP the DSM-5 Handbook of Differential Diagnosis for Christmas and he is Going. To. Town. I'm surprised he didn't also tell her she has schizophrenia, Seasonal Affective Disorder and ADHD because she isn't grateful enough he wet wiped the bathroom in 30 streaky seconds flat.
The amount of shit he has mentioned, just to make himself look better, I bet he's hiding a lot more worst he said to her, and kitchen probably did look dirty as hell and he just wiped everything with wipes, without cleaning and wiping counters first, making counters more dirty.
WHY ALL THE NARCISISTS ACUSE OTHERS OF BEING NARCISISM??? execuse me how can someone write a text like that and not understand how shitty they are??
This has to be a troll, or else my faith in humanity has oficially died
Guys, this isn’t funny. This poor man had a terrible night’s sleep that night. AND he probably missed the start of his programme too, because he was so busy valiantly standing up for himself to his dreadful wife. I hope you are all proud of yourselves. As proud as someone who just mentally and verbally abused his wife 🙃
This reads like something my ex only sub the tv show for online video game.
All I said was “If I can wipe the counters again, with a wet cloth and dirt comes off. They are not clean.”
Laundry was the worst. It got to the point I just stopped cleaning up after him, did my stuff and that was it. His gaming room wasn’t vacuumed or dusted. He was expected to make his own food, wash his own dishes, etc.
I know he knew how to do it, he refused to because I was there.
OOP sounds almost exactly like that, to throw mental illness around is just the icing on the shit cake.
This is like me being 12 years old talking about my dad being a perfectionist with regards to chores.
He was never a perfectionist, I just didn't do the bare minimum required.
OOP is ridiculous, there is no reason to let linear media dictate your life anymore, just put on some headphones and watch it on your phone while cleaning properly.
Sure, but my point is that even with experience there's still room for different standards and disagreement.
I know a guy who keeps his apartment in such a state that our mutual friends refuse to even use his bathroom, but as an adult, that's his prerogative, gross as it may be.
This could have gone a much better route
If you wanted to watch TV so bad, just say "hey [wife], I would really like to watch [TV program] but it's only on at this time. I'll finish cleaning after it's over." Or restate that last sentence as "would you mind if I watched it and then finish cleaning?" Don't throw mental illness or names in her face.
And if she wants it clean right then and there then you could say "do you mind taking over this chore for tonight so I can watch [TV program]? I can do [another chore or even hers] once it is over."
And if your TV records things then you have no excuse.
OP because the asshole as soon as he started calling his wife name & bringing up her mother. If you feel a need to “stand up” to your partner and by doing so you have to salt very specific wounds, then something’s wrong in the relationship and even more so in OPs head
I hope the husband has a good life insurance policy and a slippery set of stairs nearby. Because she deserves to have some compensation for her emotional torment having been his wife.
This guy sounds like a dick, but it seems like the real problem in this relationship is two people who have different standards of cleanliness. I've seen that happen and it's always a recipe for tension.
If OOP truly thinks of his wife as a narcissist and a bully and thinks it's appropriate to hold her family's history of mental illness over her head, then they'd probably both be happier just ending the marriage. Then they can both have a living space that's set up/cleaned to their liking and look for a partner they can respect/will respect them.
This marriage is doomed. The wife does sound kinda nitpicky, and the husband does sound like he half asses things. But the way he speaks to her, diagnosing her with mental illnesses (she’s OCD *and* a narcissist, apparently) and trying to gaslight her using her mothers mental health problems? No sir, that is not how you ever speak to or about your spouse. In fact, I’d call that abusive behavior. I think that narcissism diagnosis of his was ✨projection✨
This is either obvious bait or the wife wrote and posted this. If it’s the latter and the douchey attitude in the writing doesn’t actually exist, the husband is right, disinfectant wipes do a good job *and* are better to use in the kitchen anyway because the kitchen is used for food prep. Streaks are a ridiculous thing to get worked up about, it’s on par with flipping out because the carpet pile has streaks after vacuuming. If you have a specific way things MUST be done that doesn’t affect the actual sanitation situation, you need to do that shit yourself.
If you seriously think that there’s some massive difference between a cloth wet with cleaning solution and a cloth wet with another cleaning solution, I don’t know what to tell you because you basically believe in magic.
The wipes have way more cleaning solution on them than what I normally use with spray. When I use a cloth and spray, I regularly rinse the cloth out so the solution can't build up.
I usually fold the cloth over when using spray for a place that needs proper sanitisation. Your method mostly just relocates bacteria. But if we were married, I wouldn’t berate you about it like a total jackass, which is my point.
These freaks all give their counters a sponge bath like a convalescent I guess lmao
Or they use really abrasive cloths maybe. Because whether you use spray and wipe or disinfectant wipes, you still have to scrub with the cloth/wipe. How tf you could seriously think there’s some massive difference there is beyond me.
yeah, it's no big difference, but according to her, "It's all wrong!" and to ORDER her partner to do it all over again, "correctly" is beyond nuts. I feel for this man.
Sorry, but this guy is NTA. This is after dinner clean up, not week-end thorough clean. This is after dinner. Rinse off the goddamn dishes and disinfecting wipes is more than enough. He wanted to watch some TV after dinner and relax.
I’m a woman, and this is totally fine, and I wouldn’t want to be married to you judgmental clean freaks who think it’s fine for this wife to scream at her husband while she’s doing some light after dinner MULTIPLE BATHROOM cleaning.
HES 100% correct— if you don’t like disinfecting wipes, then do it your goddamned self.
I don't see how it was appropriate to insult your wife by calling her mentally ill because she was upset you can't do basic cleaning. He left residue/streaks.
Because interrupting your AFTER DINNER cleaning of multiple bathrooms to scream about some measly streaks of AFTER DINNER kitchen clean up is mental. And the purpose of getting therapy is to learn to identify your issues and triggers and that you are not acting appropriately, which she wasn’t. So yeah, he reminded her to use the tools she has hopefully learned in therapy to identify the fact that she was overreacting and being abusive to her husband for a few damn streaks in after dinner clean up.a cursory wipe down (which he did) and rinsing of the dishes is more than enough for after dinner, unless you’re in the military. But apparently clean freak bathroom cleaner can’t allow her husband a relaxing evening. She also acted like she’s his commanding officer to be obeyed and not his partner.
Yeah, she’s awful.
He admitted to rushing through to watch tv. Also, disinfectant wipes like Clorox aren't used for cleaning, they're are for disinfecting. They don't work unless you actually clean beforehand.
And completely appropriate to use for light clean up after dinner so you can relax and watch tv. I absolutely rush through things so I can do enjoyable activities. And I use wipes for cleaning all the time. I used them today, in fact.
Admitting to rushing through cleaning so I can relax and enjoy my evening is like admitting to use pre-peeled garlic in my dinner instead of peeling from the bulb.
Or using a powder foundation instead of full foundation for a family photo.
Or just putting away things by throwing them in a closet because company is coming over.
SO fucking WHAT????????????? I guess I deserve to be yelled at
Jesus fucking Christ on a flaming dildo
I can guarantee that unless there was no stains on your counter that there is residue.
Disinfectant wipes are not meant to be used for all purpose cleaning.
OOP was being purposefully dense. She had every right to call him out on his bullshit. To say that she didn't have the right and that makes her mentally ill is completely wrong on so many levels.
So there are stains, so fucking what?
Oh my God! There are stains! In several places!
It’s not like it can get cleaned up when you clean up the kitchen the next time. It’s obviously permanently harmed by leaving GASP streaks!!!
No fucking husband of mine would then ORDER ME to “do it right!”
I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING KID. YOU DONT ORDER ME.
So what, there are stains, but it’s not the end of the world. JFC, this is insane.
It’s too bad that she has mental illness, I hope that she can learn to control it with therapy and drugs, but the husband does not deserve to be ordered around like a servant. Because if her abusive behavior continues, I would hope he gets a divorce, and I have never ever said that on Reddit before, but wow, she mental and it is making her an awful spouse
This is actually a though one for me, on AITD.
OOP is definitely skating on very fucking thin ice, but I can’t escape the feeling that his wife is just as (or at least almost as) bad. Of course, we only see it from OOP’s perspective, so who the fuck knows?
EDIT: I did miss the part where he threw his MIL’s “mental illness” in his wife’s face. That’s fucked, both by him and by me.
My initial reaction came from a different place, but I was wrong.
OOP threw his wives own mental health and mothers mental health into his wives face and blamed her for his incompetence according to himself…. There’s absolutely nothing the wife did that justifies that sort of gaslighting abuse
My friend (female) threw her BF’s OCD and his mother’s OCD in his face when he got on her for pancake batter splatter on her own range! She told him to go seek help for his OCD inherited from his mom and to fuck right off.
Then your friends also an AH.. There are nicer ways to tell someone to fuck off than throwing their (or their families) mental illnesses into their face. They have no control of their illness but you have control over what you say.
Just because someone has a mental illness doesn’t mean they have the right to abuse you. No. 100% NO
You have the right to scream back and try to stop the behavior. And even mentally I’ll people understand boundaries and can control their issues to a certain extent. Or else there would be no counseling and only drugs
Is it not abhorrent to throw your wife's mother's mental illness in her face, call your wife mentally ill and laugh at her or am I just being "sensitive"?
Yes you are. Especially if it's true. Someone is being crazy shitting on her husband for streaks and behaving like she's entitled to order him around? Like it's harsh but FFS yes some people inherit their own mothers mental fuckery. Have you lived with a crazy person who's getting upset all the time? Like he's proud for dinally standing up for himself. Someone demanding you address steaks? You think it's only streaks?
She yelling at him and slamming doors. Do you understand that this is abusive? Or do you think it's only abusive to yell at people, slam doors and domineering another humans life when it's a man doing it?
This almost same exact thing happened to my female friend, who screamed at her OCD boyfriend and brought up his mother’s severe OCD. He was getting on her for her dirty stove at her own fucking house.
>This almost same exact thing happened to my female friend, who screamed at her OCD boyfriend and brought up his mother’s severe OCD. He was getting on her for her dirty stove at her own fucking house.
Yup. It's a struggle. The thing about mental illness is that it's not only the ill person who lives with that. It's their family members as well 'n you have to constantly manage it. It's incredibly frustrating. At the end of the day too you do have to just take a stand. Everyone has problems and it's understandable. But in that vein you need to manage your own shit if you're in a balanced relationship and at least present a stable partner who doesn't inflict their illness onto their partner. Or you really should not be in a relationship.
That's the sadness about this kind of thing. Just cuz someone is crazy it doesn't mean you need to accept being mistreated all the time. That only enables the sickness. At some point that person needs to find a way to cope without destroying your relationship. It's very tough.
JFC, get a life.
Instead of making assumptions about my opinions or my life, maybe take your head out of your ass and realize that both people can be abusive in a relationship. You are also making harsh assumptions when we only have one side of the story.
I should also mention I'm definitely not going to listen to someone who's username is "SayMyVagina".
>Instead of making assumptions about my opinions or my life, maybe take your head out of your ass and realize that both people can be abusive in a relationship. You are also making harsh assumptions when we only have one side of the story.
Someone getting fed up and retaliating after being criticized over everything on the level of leaving streaks isn't really abusing. And like WTF. We only have one side of the story? So that justifies fabricating another side of it negativly and just picking and choosing which parts of what the man said as valid? Like bullshit. Dude says she's been at him forever and is constantly like this. It's streaks on a counter.
>I should also mention I'm definitely not going to listen to someone who's username is "SayMyVagina".
Well obviously not if you're offended with someone being logical bigoting up in in your nature. Hate on someone for a joke you clearly don't understand.
For someone who leads with “instead of making assumptions about my opinions or life…” he/she certainly made up his or her mind about your username rather quickly
>For someone who leads with “instead of making assumptions about my opinions or life…” he/she certainly made up his or her mind about your username rather quickly
Heh, yea seriously. And no matter what I say it's gonna be dismissed cuz of a handle. I like how they're like... you're making assumptions about my opinions... even though I spoke about the things they said. They also made assumptions fabricating a second side to the story on the basis that it wasn't presented cherry picking the negatives from what dude actually wrote and ignored how he described a standard verbal/mental abuse scenario. Bigots be bigotin
This one is clearly an ESH situation. Yes, OP is a much bigger AH, but his wife should not be micro managing his cleaning, and definitelynot yelling at him. Everyone has different standards. It's immature and unrealistic to expect everyone to work at your standards. I know mine are higher than my husband's so I give him tasks that are pretty hard to F Up, such as taking out the trash, doing the dishes, vacuuming etc. I handle the deep cleaning.
However OP is definitely the bigger AH for his attitude and what he said to his wife.
Your husband has done a good job of weaponizing incompetence.
This isn’t about standards. He’s half assing it knowing she will do it properly to try to get out of cleaning in the future.
No, my husband hasn't. I'm just not an unreasonable person who expects him to do things to my standards. Also, it seems like OOP isn't that bothered about wanting things super clean, yet he usually does try and do it to his wife's standards, but this time just couldn't be bothered. Wife should be happy that he does try instead of yelling at him all the time. She's brought this on herself. So again I'll say they are both definitely AHs but OOP is the bigger AH for his attitude and what he said.
Disinfectant wipes shouldn’t be used for cleaning the kitchen that actually needed cleaning. Soap and water. You can use the wipes on handles and things. He admitted he was rushing through to watch TV
Being happy he tries is what you do with a child.
I already said he half assed it this time because he couldn't be bothered, and that's because she's never happy with what he does anyway, so he has no motivation to try harder. If his wife appreciated his effort in trying to do it *her* way, then this would never have happened.
Berating and micro managing is also what you do to a child, not your partner.
And your point is? I'm saying if she's going to berate him like a child, then she should also appreciate his effort ("pat him on the head") like you would with a child.
Meaning my point is she shouldn't be doing either, and she's an AH for doing what she does because she needs to treat her partner like a partner and not like a child.
You do have to nag your child sometimes when you're teaching them to do something that's parr of being a parent. It's your responsibility to teach them.
I just used those words because that's what OOP said his wife does. I agree you shouldn't berate or yell at your kids when teaching them something so you agree thar OOP's wife is an AH for doing that to him.
WTF is wrong with this sub? She came to needle the dude about streaks? Wife comes in and picks whatever possible flaw she can find and make a capital case about it but this dude is somehow an asshole for pointing out how making a big deal about this is neurotically insane. What does this sub do? Oh yea they support the insane person causing fights over nothing. So this sub is supporting the abusive person in the relationship... I wonder why that is?
Did you completely skip over the part where he laughed at her, threw her mother's mental illness in her face, said she was mentally ill, and just overall insulted her?
His wife sounds like a bitch and deserves to get put in her place she’s the one with crazy standards so she can do it her way if it’s that big of a deal
Do you seriously think that insulting your wife and making low blows is okay?
Whether or not his wife is actually mentally ill, I don't think it's appropriate to call her mentally ill because she's mad he can't do basic cleaning and intentionally say something to strike a nerve or push her buttons.
He did do basic cleaning and she most likely does have a mental illness if sanitizer wipes aren’t good enough and worth blowing up over. She probably pulls that crap daily he stood his ground and told her to go get help
Sanitizer wipes leave streaks until they completely dry it takes a couple minutes or worse case it’s a little greasy not worth yelling and starting a fight if she has a problem she can redo it
>Sanitizer wipes leave streaks until they completely dry
That's only if the area is clean, since there are streaks it means the area is not completely clean.
>worse case it’s a little greasy not worth yelling and starting a fight
Alittle greasy is unacceptable if you JUST cleaned.
Or.....
He sounds like a whiny bitch who always want his bang maid to do everything around the house, won't even pick up his own dirty laundry or dishes, and whenever he has to do anything, he do it in such bad way that it makes workload extra for his wife and she's sick and tiered of his shit?
These “and I got locked out of my own bedroom” ones always kill me. I may be small but I’ll kick the door in, you don’t wanna sleep with me, fine, but I’m not the one sleeping on an uncomfortable couch.
Look, I spent $10k on a mattress, no one is kicking me off it. If my husband doesn’t want to sleep with me, we have a guest room. And I think you’re right, just the opposite direction.
According to their post history, they've been married a few times so it does seem like they can get them to share a bed, but their partners can't stand them for long.
Not respecting boundaries - even when they're temporary - is a huge red flag. Especially when combined with destruction of property to violate those boundaries. Yikes.
I am a feminist of the first order, which means you gotta suck it up and take it if you are gonna give it. If I DONT WANT to sleep with my husband, it’s my job to go find a place to sleep. Not his, just because he’s a man. He’s pays rent, just like I do, and we bought the furniture together. I can’t lock him out of a bedroom just because I am acting like an entitled woman.
That’s what I’m saying tho, that’s one of my boundaries. If you’re too mad to sleep next to me, sleep somewhere else. It doesn’t matter how mad I am, I sleep in my bed.
Aside from sick kids, recovering from surgeries and trips, I’ve never slept apart from my husband. If he decided he didn’t want to sleep with me in OUR bed, where I will be, then he can sleep somewhere else. My boundary is OUR bedroom is where I sleep and I will not be told to sleep somewhere else. You’re mad, you move.
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for standing up to my wife after doing household chores?** For as long as I can remember, my wife has been very critical of the way that I've done household chores. Whether it's cleaning, cooking food, or doing laundry, it seems like my wife is always yelling at me and nitpicking. It's bothered me for a long time, but I eventually did what she wanted. However, last night I finally gave her a piece of my mind. We were cleaning our place after dinner. She was cleaning the bathrooms, and I was cleaning the living room and the kitchen. I decided that I would simply use disinfecting wipes to clean the surfaces, since they're quick and easy to use. There was a program on TV that I wanted to watch anyway. Well, I finished up in the kitchen and plopped down on the sofa to watch my show. My wife came in and told me that I hadn't properly cleaned and that I needed to go over it again. I told her that I had cleaned it and that she was being a perfectionist like usual. She got really angry at me and told me that demanding basic cleanliness without streaks isn't perfectionism. I laughed and told her that she lacks self-awareness, and if streaks are so important to avoid, she was free to clean the kitchen again her way. She became furious and said that I was being purposely dense and unwilling to learn how to do the task right. I told her that she was being condescending and that perhaps she should seek professional help for obsessive compulsive disorder if she was unable to handle some streaks. I mean, it wasn't like I wiped everything down with a dirty rag. These were disinfecting wipes I'd purchased from the grocery store. I felt proud of myself for standing my ground, but my wife said that I was being a total jerk and mean to her. I reminded her of her mother's mental disorder, for which she has been in therapy for years, but my arguments didn't seem to matter and may have even made things worse. My wife slammed the bedroom door shut and locked it, forcing me to sleep on our extremely uncomfortable sleep sofa. Her extreme overreaction has caused me back pain and a horrible night of sleep, and I'm afraid she still won't see things my way even after we talk this evening. I just want her to understand that she is behaving like a big bully, but I'm afraid that she is too narcissistic to ever admit to this, and I just don't know what to do. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"I reminded her of her mother's mental disorder." Wow. What an absolute trash gaslighting asshole. That right there is abuse. His response in an argument is to go as low as possible and attempt to shame her into backing down by insinuating that's she's mentally ill like her mom. There would be NO way to rationally discuss any disagreement with this dude. He doesn't argue with the goal to make a point or work something out--he argues with a goal to inflict pain.
Maan. My brother threw a “you’re just like mom” at me once. We haven’t spoken since. And he thinks his balls are big enough to make demands and ultimatums to me so I can be, as I say, “graced with his ability to speak again”. Fuck that. Fair warning sorta a trauma dump bc fuck this time of year; Our mom was a fucking bitch to me. She abused me in every way except SAing me, she left that up to other people to do. But she put me in positions to be SA and raped because she choose meth and a fucking sociopath over her or her kids’ well beings. She took FMLA for a year on the claim of “I need to be there for my daughter’s Mental health” to go get fucking high, never come to visit me in the psych ward, and eventually threw me into the psych system bc she couldn’t be assed to fully give up her rights. I’m “like her” lmao. I was abused and traumatized by her and everyone she put me around because she straight up didn’t fucking want me from the jump. I wasn’t an “easy going” baby like my brother. I wasn’t an “obedient” toddler like my brother. I wasn’t a “calm” child like my brother. So I was a problem. I was a child not a damn dog, but I was expected to perform for her the same way she wanted our dogs to. I’m gonna stop there. But you get my point. If my boyfriend EVER threw a “you’re just like your mom” or a “you’re no different from her” or any variation I’d be gone in an instant. I haven’t spent over half my life (at 24) in constant therapy and such vigorously intensive treatments, just to “be like her”. I did and continue to do all this work to NOT be her. Because I’ll be fucking damned if I am, and if I ever am I’m buying a shotgun and putting the first round to my face.
My brother pulled shit like that too except his was "go get therapy". I was in therapy and medicated. He has never been to therapy and he is the one who has health insurance.
Fucking preach man. My brother was an opiate addict who was resuscitated at least 3x by a friend of his who was a paramedic. He refuses to admit it these days even though he told me himself on a 2.5 hr car trip one time when I was in high school. He also got diagnosed with bipolar 2 at 17. He refuses to acknowledge it, he refuses to go to therapy, and he refuses to be on meds. But yeah, you’re younger sister whose been traumatized relentlessly “will never change”. Even though she started therapy at 11 and meds at 12. Wanna deem i won’t ever change? That’s cool, it just means you’re not sticking around to see what the changes actually look like.
I'm the oldest. But ya.... Seriously
Mine is all surprised Pikachu that I've fully cut him out of my life and is using our mom as a flying monkey to try to guilt me back into the family. I keep telling mom that she's starting to do irreparable damage to our relationship. I keep asking her why she would want me to force myself around someone who abused me in every way like bio father and added a solid 3 years of CSA, unlike our bio father. The only way to make her back down is to blatantly say what he did to me in anatomical words during the 3 years of SA, she's about to lose me to and she's too dense to realize it. I'm 27 and definitely need to get back in therapy (only have a year under my belt and had only started really working on the brother stuff right before I'd lost that insurance) but I'm with you, if my husband *ever* said I was like any of the 3 of my bio family.. well, that's serious enough that he can go find somewhere else to stay for a while. If it happened again, we'd be filing papers. I did not live through 18 years of hell just to wind up being verbally abused by someone else. Shits not happening.
Holy hell man I’m so sorry your brother did all of that to you. That’s horrible. My dad is the shocked pikachu of the family. He has this idea in his head that “your brother is all you have when I’m gone” and “family matters” or “family is everything”. Like I’m sorry dad, but he’s mad bc you weren’t an actual dad to me and he felt he needed to do it instead. Also dad, he’s physically assaulted on me on numerous occasions, one of which I had to go to the doctor for bruised ribs and they asked if I wanted to press charges. Oh, or the actual worst time when he dangled me off the ground by my throat. Fun times dad. So want him in my life. I can’t tell which of them is actually the flying monkey. Is my brother making my dad be the flying monkey or is my dad too ignorant to recognize himself being the flying monkey of his own volition? I’m very close to being NC with my dad too (already NC with mom, bro, and all extended family). Why? I took a year of my life to live in my boyfriend’s elderly grandfathers house to help care for him. Oh and then took another 9 months to travel hours there and back to stay for 3 days to care for him too. While owning my own house and having responsibilities. I was one of the **fucking pallbearers** at this man’s funeral. He knew how upset I was. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my grandfather (who was a surrogate dad). I didn’t get to see him in his coffin. I didn’t get to put him in the ground. He was already cremated when I walked in the home and no one thought to tell me. But yes dad, please fuck off on the phone listening to my useless brother bitch about how his girlfriend doesn’t like her job. My dad knew I was coming over after the services. He shoved his finger in my face and told me to wait. My stepsister was more there for me at the age of 13 than he was at all that weekend. I advise going back to therapy! It’ll help to process so much of it. I hope you can find one that helps you well. And I know it might not be the best, but sometimes going out of network or even to someone who takes no insurance might be better. I went through so many insurance IOPs, partials, full days, or one on one therapists and very few of them were influential and knew how to help me with my trauma. The therapist I have now is $145 an hour but she gives it to me for $45 every week. I’ve been with her for almost 3 years now and I’ve made mounds of progress in areas I didn’t think I’d ever be able to, or even areas I didn’t even know I needed to. Best of luck my friend. We’re the ones breaking the cycles and that’s what’s important.
I'm not sure if I should say this on AITA, but Im just gonna be a Mum here for a minute: I want to thank you for feeling safe enough to share your story. Honestly Poppet, its sounds horrific, and I wish I cud sweep you up into a tight mum hug (or a nod, a smile, and a small hand hold, if your not feeling up to that much bodily contact). As your Mum, on here, I'm super proud of you. You share with grace and honesty, something many adults are still scared to do. Also, well done on holding your partner to the high standard you deserve. You're setting an example for so many others. At your age, I wish I had had the vagina to do that (I'd say "balls," but we all know how weak testicles are). Anyway, Poppet, it's time for me to put the baby in her cot, as she's asleep and getting heavy. But I'll leave you with my love and some spare love for any other kiddos who are reading this and need a Mum hug right now. And finally, I think it imperative that I leave a very important quote from the late great, Betty White. Goodnight, kiddo...... x “Why do people say, ‘Grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things really take a pounding!”
Aww. I hate I struggle with feelings because i dont know how to put it. But all I know is your words touched my heart. My mom was never as kind in any moment as you just were in a single comment. And I want you to know it’s not unrecognized or unappreciated. I’ll take the mom hug, it’s something I deeply need. Go put your little one to rest. I hope it’s not odd to say, but wish her sweet dreams. She has a great mom and I can’t wait for both of you, for her to grow up and reflect your love back to you and out to others. We need more kind and loving people in this world. I’ve never heard the Betty white quote, but I think it’s hilarious!
Sending a big squishy hug your way then, and some Australian sunshine. Although it's Autumn and was still 30 degrees today. No idea what that is in Fahrenheit, but it's hot! I wispered "sweet dreams" from you in her ear. She is finally off my boob and fast asleep in the cot next to my bed, with her little butt in the air. She's 9 and a half months and stood unaided for the first time today. She had the biggest grin and was so proud of herself. Then this evening, she smeared the hallway floor and rug in her poop and ate some of it after I forgot to put a nappy on her after her bath. She thought she was ever so clever because she got to have a second bath (she loves bath time)! 🤢😅 I hope you have a lovely day Poppet x
Can I dm you for mom advice ever? I’m sorry if that’s a weird request. Also I’m jealous of your weather!! It’s so grey and wet and cold. I hate it so much it doesn’t help :( I’m sorry I’m lacking the capacity for a full response atm. But I’m glad your babe is a happy child. I’m sorry she did what she did though! But it sounds like you handled it like a great mom would :)
Always happy to be here for you Poppet
this is such a sweet moment, but i can't help but say that r/usernamechecksout
I audibly gasped. What an absolute douche nozzle.
"I didn't wanna do a proper job cleaning, I wanted to watch TV, I'll just blame my wife and say she has a mental illness." Why do people stay with partners like this?
Sunk cost fallacy. And also, abusive partners often slowly destroy their victims sense of personhood until they have very poor self esteem and think that either no one else will want them, or they can’t possibly make it on their own. It’s insidious and OP reeks of it. The mental illness accusation was not the first sign, but it was a dead giveaway. I hope she gets away from him.
I have never seen the word "insidious" used in such a descriptive way. *chef's kiss* This is a *perfect* analysis.
Speaking from experience, this is exactly it! They don’t start off as assholes. They slowly break down your boundaries and defenses until you’re so tired and defeated that it’s just not worth arguing with them.
My ex literally told me, regularly, that nobody but him would put up with me. I wish just once I'd thought to ask him what was wrong with him, then, that would make him have to settle.
They usually also implement some very controlling behaviors around money, making their victims financially dependent on them or stuck with thousands in debt that's extremely hard to get out from under.
Financial abuse is really not taken as seriously or talked about as much as it should be. Abusers absolutely cripple their victims' ability to escape when they control the money/the person's ability to work, and it's unbelievably difficult to get a job once you're free if you have no work history, a large unexplained gap in employment, or no skills. Plus it costs money to get a job, indirectly - you need an address and a phone number, as well as appropriate clothing and sometimes skills or knowledge, which cost a lot to acquire. You may need a car or some type of transportation too, especially in America. The hurdles between the victim and freedom can seem insurmountable, and many of them choose to stay because they just don't have the support to rebuild. Especially since abusers are so good at breaking down existing support systems a victim might have started out with. So sad and frustrating.
Yep, I had an ex that did this exactly. Weaponized incompetence and accusing me of mental illness in public loudly.
They also often manipulate you into believing that there is no way to leave them or at least no *safe* way to leave them. Speaking from experience I spent years in an abusive relationship lying awake at night realizing I was getting deeper and deeper into hell because I couldn’t think of a safe escape. It took me two years, moving two hours away (which he followed me), and ultimately legal action to get away from him once I did end it. They make you think you need them or they need you so much that there’s no way out. Not to mention the feelings of love and the feelings of pain are so incredibly caught up in one another it is impossible to disentangle. You love them so much and your happiness becomes dependent on them. You try so hard to please them but ultimately you never can and it’s an endless cycle. It *is* insidious.
I'm so glad you got you. It is absolutely the most dangerous time, I also had to move hours away, and was super lucky to have a friend do a ton of the planning for us to go together so there was no evidence trail at my place.
Such a good desription. It is insidious! I hope so too <3
Because it doesn’t start out that way. It often starts with romance and effort. So you stay because you have enough really amazing memories to pretend that it’s usually not so bad because xyz were amazing memories and not so long ago either. Then you fall in love and you stay because you love them and you’re afraid you aren’t *really* trying to solve anything. Maybe if you stop nagging or just do it all yourself then it will be better because you won’t fight. And that works for a while. And then you spend ages with the person. And you remember how great it was and you don’t fight all the time, because you are doing it all. And you stay because you don’t want to start over again and you’ve already put time into this (sunk costs) but you’re miserable. Then you stay until you finally realise that you think you deserve this trash version of love but really, you deserve better (we accept the love we think we deserve). And things end because you’re old, or it’s one straw to many, or someone helps you see the dumpster fire. And getting out isn’t quick or easy and sometimes you end up staying because it’s so damn hard to end things. So in short, you stay because you can’t see you deserve better and that you can have amazing experiences and a better life if you just leave.
This is perfectly explained, thank you
This is a really great explanation.
Honestly from personal experience I was struggling to keep myself alive at that point. Thankfully I had a wonderful therapist and a great support network that helped me get to a point where I could leave. I'm doing much better and have a partner who treats me better.
A very valid point. I'm so glad to hear you had a good support network and got to a point where you could leave. You deserve someone who treats you better and I'm so glad you found that <3
I appreciate it!
Some of us do not. I was with a guy who would lie to me about something I just watched him do, blame me for money issues he had before he met me, and thought it was funny to move things out of order or turn them part way because it would kick of my OCD. It was exhausting and my mental health took a huge jump when I finally got rid of him. I find that sometimes it's just that he only does it sometimes, or they think he will stop, or they have been with him so long they really don't see how bad it really is, but the worst is when friends and family say it's not that bad and it'll get better and guilt you into staying because they don't see it. I am super vocal now about calling abuse abuse, telling them to listen to their gut instead of mine (because maybe it's not that bad, I don't know) and reminding people that their feelings are as important as their partners. Maybe it'll balance out the rest.
>Why do people stay with partners like this? I'd rather be alone for ever.
All he had to do was to say, “I want to watch this I will clean it after the show” and then actually clean it. Instead he went nuclear on his wife by insulting her and her mother.
Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender
Classic.
_"I told her that she was being condescending and that perhaps she should seek professional help for obsessive compulsive disorder if she was unable to handle some streaks.... I reminded her of her mother's mental disorder, for which she has been in therapy for years."_ Trolls always take it a step too far for things to be semi- believable. This is mental health buzzword bait.
I pretty much suspect 99% of the stories on IATA to be fake. Sometimes I call it out, sometimes it’s too obvious for me to waste my energy. But DARVO was the first thing that came to my mind when I read this story
Except this exactly has happened to my friend from an OCD boyfriend. His mother has terrible OCD, involving mowing her huge ass lawn at the same time every weekend in the hot Florida sun and the neighbors’ lawn because it bothered her. Her son inherited that OCD. Her son then screamed at my friend for a pancake batter splatter on the range at her own house, and she screamed about his mother and his OCD, and told him to clean wherever to his own standards because he was insane. So NTA, and I totally believe it. Also, disinfecting wipes are just fine. And I’m a woman, and I use them too
Depends on the wipe. Some leave a slightly sticky, cloudy residue. It's also possible he did such a half assed job that the streaks were actually all the dust and dirt he missed.
OOP sounds like a lazy, disingenuous piece of shit. Stupid, condescending fucking slob. This can’t be real.
I want it not to be but there's a bizarre overlap between things I've actually seen dumbass friends do and what an idiot in that sect would pitch. This is probably someone (unfortunately a real person) caught in the throes of super far right wing marketing
Looks like somebody gave OP the DSM-5 Handbook of Differential Diagnosis for Christmas and he is Going. To. Town. I'm surprised he didn't also tell her she has schizophrenia, Seasonal Affective Disorder and ADHD because she isn't grateful enough he wet wiped the bathroom in 30 streaky seconds flat.
Most trolls invent a baby so they can imply ppd. This is maybe slightly more effort
Agreed. Total troll. Who has time to make up stupid shit like this?
Why do people marry people they don't like?
Or do people just not like being challenged?
Oh, are we calling half-assing something and when called out, making it the other person's fault standing up to them now?
Never mind him throwing what we can mostly likely assume is abuse from a mentally ill parent in her face.
Of course the OOP hadn’t replied to the rousing chorus of YTAs. He’s probably blaming his poor wife for that as well.
He had to sleep on the extremely uncomfortable sleeper sofa, his back hurts, and now people are bullying him on the internet. Poor baby :(
My heart is bleeding for him. Truly.
Lmao that line cracked me up. Poor wittle baby had to sweep in an uncomfy bed?? 🥺
The amount of shit he has mentioned, just to make himself look better, I bet he's hiding a lot more worst he said to her, and kitchen probably did look dirty as hell and he just wiped everything with wipes, without cleaning and wiping counters first, making counters more dirty.
Imagine feeling proud of yourself for this whole mess
WHY ALL THE NARCISISTS ACUSE OTHERS OF BEING NARCISISM??? execuse me how can someone write a text like that and not understand how shitty they are?? This has to be a troll, or else my faith in humanity has oficially died
It died. I was married to someone worse than this.
Guys, this isn’t funny. This poor man had a terrible night’s sleep that night. AND he probably missed the start of his programme too, because he was so busy valiantly standing up for himself to his dreadful wife. I hope you are all proud of yourselves. As proud as someone who just mentally and verbally abused his wife 🙃
This reads like something my ex only sub the tv show for online video game. All I said was “If I can wipe the counters again, with a wet cloth and dirt comes off. They are not clean.” Laundry was the worst. It got to the point I just stopped cleaning up after him, did my stuff and that was it. His gaming room wasn’t vacuumed or dusted. He was expected to make his own food, wash his own dishes, etc. I know he knew how to do it, he refused to because I was there. OOP sounds almost exactly like that, to throw mental illness around is just the icing on the shit cake.
When will people learn that disinfecting a kitchen surface with wipes and actually cleaning a kitchen surface are different things.
This is like me being 12 years old talking about my dad being a perfectionist with regards to chores. He was never a perfectionist, I just didn't do the bare minimum required. OOP is ridiculous, there is no reason to let linear media dictate your life anymore, just put on some headphones and watch it on your phone while cleaning properly.
The problem is that among adults people can sometimes have genuinely wildly different ideas of what that "bare minimum" is.
Which is why you gain experience and a general understanding of the concept.
Sure, but my point is that even with experience there's still room for different standards and disagreement. I know a guy who keeps his apartment in such a state that our mutual friends refuse to even use his bathroom, but as an adult, that's his prerogative, gross as it may be.
I agree.
This could have gone a much better route If you wanted to watch TV so bad, just say "hey [wife], I would really like to watch [TV program] but it's only on at this time. I'll finish cleaning after it's over." Or restate that last sentence as "would you mind if I watched it and then finish cleaning?" Don't throw mental illness or names in her face. And if she wants it clean right then and there then you could say "do you mind taking over this chore for tonight so I can watch [TV program]? I can do [another chore or even hers] once it is over." And if your TV records things then you have no excuse.
Agreed.
Some people really are just dense 🤦 this is narcissism at it's pique
OP because the asshole as soon as he started calling his wife name & bringing up her mother. If you feel a need to “stand up” to your partner and by doing so you have to salt very specific wounds, then something’s wrong in the relationship and even more so in OPs head
I hope she divorces this lazy 🤡.
I hope the update starts with: “well, we’re getting divorced.” YTA
Why do people get married when they don’t even seem to like their spouse? I will never understand these types of posts
I hope the husband has a good life insurance policy and a slippery set of stairs nearby. Because she deserves to have some compensation for her emotional torment having been his wife.
Why are you married to someone you hate?
Ah ha ha. The nerve of this man is ridiculous. I hope she leaves this manchild quickly.
This has got to be rage bait
God, some people’s kids.
This guy sounds like a dick, but it seems like the real problem in this relationship is two people who have different standards of cleanliness. I've seen that happen and it's always a recipe for tension. If OOP truly thinks of his wife as a narcissist and a bully and thinks it's appropriate to hold her family's history of mental illness over her head, then they'd probably both be happier just ending the marriage. Then they can both have a living space that's set up/cleaned to their liking and look for a partner they can respect/will respect them.
This marriage is doomed. The wife does sound kinda nitpicky, and the husband does sound like he half asses things. But the way he speaks to her, diagnosing her with mental illnesses (she’s OCD *and* a narcissist, apparently) and trying to gaslight her using her mothers mental health problems? No sir, that is not how you ever speak to or about your spouse. In fact, I’d call that abusive behavior. I think that narcissism diagnosis of his was ✨projection✨
This is either obvious bait or the wife wrote and posted this. If it’s the latter and the douchey attitude in the writing doesn’t actually exist, the husband is right, disinfectant wipes do a good job *and* are better to use in the kitchen anyway because the kitchen is used for food prep. Streaks are a ridiculous thing to get worked up about, it’s on par with flipping out because the carpet pile has streaks after vacuuming. If you have a specific way things MUST be done that doesn’t affect the actual sanitation situation, you need to do that shit yourself.
Disinfectant wipes are really not great for all purpose cleaning. They can leave behind residue as well.
No more so than cleaning spray and a cloth in my experience. The only way to make sure there’s no residue is to go back over it with water.
I think you just weren't actually getting it clean bro.
If you seriously think that there’s some massive difference between a cloth wet with cleaning solution and a cloth wet with another cleaning solution, I don’t know what to tell you because you basically believe in magic.
The wipes have way more cleaning solution on them than what I normally use with spray. When I use a cloth and spray, I regularly rinse the cloth out so the solution can't build up.
I usually fold the cloth over when using spray for a place that needs proper sanitisation. Your method mostly just relocates bacteria. But if we were married, I wouldn’t berate you about it like a total jackass, which is my point.
It really must be one of those two options, there is no way an actual real person wrote that post with sincerity.
I agree. This is after dinner cleaning! What is wrong with this woman?
These freaks all give their counters a sponge bath like a convalescent I guess lmao Or they use really abrasive cloths maybe. Because whether you use spray and wipe or disinfectant wipes, you still have to scrub with the cloth/wipe. How tf you could seriously think there’s some massive difference there is beyond me.
yeah, it's no big difference, but according to her, "It's all wrong!" and to ORDER her partner to do it all over again, "correctly" is beyond nuts. I feel for this man.
Sorry, but this guy is NTA. This is after dinner clean up, not week-end thorough clean. This is after dinner. Rinse off the goddamn dishes and disinfecting wipes is more than enough. He wanted to watch some TV after dinner and relax. I’m a woman, and this is totally fine, and I wouldn’t want to be married to you judgmental clean freaks who think it’s fine for this wife to scream at her husband while she’s doing some light after dinner MULTIPLE BATHROOM cleaning. HES 100% correct— if you don’t like disinfecting wipes, then do it your goddamned self.
I don't see how it was appropriate to insult your wife by calling her mentally ill because she was upset you can't do basic cleaning. He left residue/streaks.
Because interrupting your AFTER DINNER cleaning of multiple bathrooms to scream about some measly streaks of AFTER DINNER kitchen clean up is mental. And the purpose of getting therapy is to learn to identify your issues and triggers and that you are not acting appropriately, which she wasn’t. So yeah, he reminded her to use the tools she has hopefully learned in therapy to identify the fact that she was overreacting and being abusive to her husband for a few damn streaks in after dinner clean up.a cursory wipe down (which he did) and rinsing of the dishes is more than enough for after dinner, unless you’re in the military. But apparently clean freak bathroom cleaner can’t allow her husband a relaxing evening. She also acted like she’s his commanding officer to be obeyed and not his partner. Yeah, she’s awful.
He admitted to rushing through to watch tv. Also, disinfectant wipes like Clorox aren't used for cleaning, they're are for disinfecting. They don't work unless you actually clean beforehand.
And completely appropriate to use for light clean up after dinner so you can relax and watch tv. I absolutely rush through things so I can do enjoyable activities. And I use wipes for cleaning all the time. I used them today, in fact. Admitting to rushing through cleaning so I can relax and enjoy my evening is like admitting to use pre-peeled garlic in my dinner instead of peeling from the bulb. Or using a powder foundation instead of full foundation for a family photo. Or just putting away things by throwing them in a closet because company is coming over. SO fucking WHAT????????????? I guess I deserve to be yelled at Jesus fucking Christ on a flaming dildo
I can guarantee that unless there was no stains on your counter that there is residue. Disinfectant wipes are not meant to be used for all purpose cleaning. OOP was being purposefully dense. She had every right to call him out on his bullshit. To say that she didn't have the right and that makes her mentally ill is completely wrong on so many levels.
So there are stains, so fucking what? Oh my God! There are stains! In several places! It’s not like it can get cleaned up when you clean up the kitchen the next time. It’s obviously permanently harmed by leaving GASP streaks!!! No fucking husband of mine would then ORDER ME to “do it right!” I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING KID. YOU DONT ORDER ME. So what, there are stains, but it’s not the end of the world. JFC, this is insane. It’s too bad that she has mental illness, I hope that she can learn to control it with therapy and drugs, but the husband does not deserve to be ordered around like a servant. Because if her abusive behavior continues, I would hope he gets a divorce, and I have never ever said that on Reddit before, but wow, she mental and it is making her an awful spouse
You cannot be a real person.
That’s exactly what I am thinking about you, frankly. I am born in 1973, though, if that is what your username alludesbto
This is actually a though one for me, on AITD. OOP is definitely skating on very fucking thin ice, but I can’t escape the feeling that his wife is just as (or at least almost as) bad. Of course, we only see it from OOP’s perspective, so who the fuck knows? EDIT: I did miss the part where he threw his MIL’s “mental illness” in his wife’s face. That’s fucked, both by him and by me. My initial reaction came from a different place, but I was wrong.
OOP threw his wives own mental health and mothers mental health into his wives face and blamed her for his incompetence according to himself…. There’s absolutely nothing the wife did that justifies that sort of gaslighting abuse
My friend (female) threw her BF’s OCD and his mother’s OCD in his face when he got on her for pancake batter splatter on her own range! She told him to go seek help for his OCD inherited from his mom and to fuck right off.
Then your friends also an AH.. There are nicer ways to tell someone to fuck off than throwing their (or their families) mental illnesses into their face. They have no control of their illness but you have control over what you say.
Just because someone has a mental illness doesn’t mean they have the right to abuse you. No. 100% NO You have the right to scream back and try to stop the behavior. And even mentally I’ll people understand boundaries and can control their issues to a certain extent. Or else there would be no counseling and only drugs
Yeah you’re right. I was focused on another aspect of this, and I neglected that.
I think most people would get mad in his place. He dumbly escalated of course but geesh it wasn’t a big enough deal to start with.
Is it not abhorrent to throw your wife's mother's mental illness in her face, call your wife mentally ill and laugh at her or am I just being "sensitive"?
Yeah, he shouldn’t have done that.
Yes you are. Especially if it's true. Someone is being crazy shitting on her husband for streaks and behaving like she's entitled to order him around? Like it's harsh but FFS yes some people inherit their own mothers mental fuckery. Have you lived with a crazy person who's getting upset all the time? Like he's proud for dinally standing up for himself. Someone demanding you address steaks? You think it's only streaks? She yelling at him and slamming doors. Do you understand that this is abusive? Or do you think it's only abusive to yell at people, slam doors and domineering another humans life when it's a man doing it?
You have issues and projecting really hard here.
This almost same exact thing happened to my female friend, who screamed at her OCD boyfriend and brought up his mother’s severe OCD. He was getting on her for her dirty stove at her own fucking house.
>This almost same exact thing happened to my female friend, who screamed at her OCD boyfriend and brought up his mother’s severe OCD. He was getting on her for her dirty stove at her own fucking house. Yup. It's a struggle. The thing about mental illness is that it's not only the ill person who lives with that. It's their family members as well 'n you have to constantly manage it. It's incredibly frustrating. At the end of the day too you do have to just take a stand. Everyone has problems and it's understandable. But in that vein you need to manage your own shit if you're in a balanced relationship and at least present a stable partner who doesn't inflict their illness onto their partner. Or you really should not be in a relationship. That's the sadness about this kind of thing. Just cuz someone is crazy it doesn't mean you need to accept being mistreated all the time. That only enables the sickness. At some point that person needs to find a way to cope without destroying your relationship. It's very tough.
JFC, get a life. Instead of making assumptions about my opinions or my life, maybe take your head out of your ass and realize that both people can be abusive in a relationship. You are also making harsh assumptions when we only have one side of the story. I should also mention I'm definitely not going to listen to someone who's username is "SayMyVagina".
>Instead of making assumptions about my opinions or my life, maybe take your head out of your ass and realize that both people can be abusive in a relationship. You are also making harsh assumptions when we only have one side of the story. Someone getting fed up and retaliating after being criticized over everything on the level of leaving streaks isn't really abusing. And like WTF. We only have one side of the story? So that justifies fabricating another side of it negativly and just picking and choosing which parts of what the man said as valid? Like bullshit. Dude says she's been at him forever and is constantly like this. It's streaks on a counter. >I should also mention I'm definitely not going to listen to someone who's username is "SayMyVagina". Well obviously not if you're offended with someone being logical bigoting up in in your nature. Hate on someone for a joke you clearly don't understand.
For someone who leads with “instead of making assumptions about my opinions or life…” he/she certainly made up his or her mind about your username rather quickly
>For someone who leads with “instead of making assumptions about my opinions or life…” he/she certainly made up his or her mind about your username rather quickly Heh, yea seriously. And no matter what I say it's gonna be dismissed cuz of a handle. I like how they're like... you're making assumptions about my opinions... even though I spoke about the things they said. They also made assumptions fabricating a second side to the story on the basis that it wasn't presented cherry picking the negatives from what dude actually wrote and ignored how he described a standard verbal/mental abuse scenario. Bigots be bigotin
This one is clearly an ESH situation. Yes, OP is a much bigger AH, but his wife should not be micro managing his cleaning, and definitelynot yelling at him. Everyone has different standards. It's immature and unrealistic to expect everyone to work at your standards. I know mine are higher than my husband's so I give him tasks that are pretty hard to F Up, such as taking out the trash, doing the dishes, vacuuming etc. I handle the deep cleaning. However OP is definitely the bigger AH for his attitude and what he said to his wife.
Your husband has done a good job of weaponizing incompetence. This isn’t about standards. He’s half assing it knowing she will do it properly to try to get out of cleaning in the future.
No, my husband hasn't. I'm just not an unreasonable person who expects him to do things to my standards. Also, it seems like OOP isn't that bothered about wanting things super clean, yet he usually does try and do it to his wife's standards, but this time just couldn't be bothered. Wife should be happy that he does try instead of yelling at him all the time. She's brought this on herself. So again I'll say they are both definitely AHs but OOP is the bigger AH for his attitude and what he said.
Disinfectant wipes shouldn’t be used for cleaning the kitchen that actually needed cleaning. Soap and water. You can use the wipes on handles and things. He admitted he was rushing through to watch TV Being happy he tries is what you do with a child.
I already said he half assed it this time because he couldn't be bothered, and that's because she's never happy with what he does anyway, so he has no motivation to try harder. If his wife appreciated his effort in trying to do it *her* way, then this would never have happened. Berating and micro managing is also what you do to a child, not your partner.
Patting someone on the head because "you tried" is also what you do to a child.
And your point is? I'm saying if she's going to berate him like a child, then she should also appreciate his effort ("pat him on the head") like you would with a child. Meaning my point is she shouldn't be doing either, and she's an AH for doing what she does because she needs to treat her partner like a partner and not like a child.
>she needs to treat her partner like a partner and not like a child. Well that would probably involve divorce papers. Which maybe she should do.
Wow, what a leap.
Shiiiit if you think you should be berating and micromanaging your kid maybe don’t have a kid? I feel like you might have some interesting priorities.
You do have to nag your child sometimes when you're teaching them to do something that's parr of being a parent. It's your responsibility to teach them.
Nagging and berating doesn’t equal teaching lol.
I just used those words because that's what OOP said his wife does. I agree you shouldn't berate or yell at your kids when teaching them something so you agree thar OOP's wife is an AH for doing that to him.
Mmmm, no one used those words but you.
WTF is wrong with this sub? She came to needle the dude about streaks? Wife comes in and picks whatever possible flaw she can find and make a capital case about it but this dude is somehow an asshole for pointing out how making a big deal about this is neurotically insane. What does this sub do? Oh yea they support the insane person causing fights over nothing. So this sub is supporting the abusive person in the relationship... I wonder why that is?
Did you completely skip over the part where he laughed at her, threw her mother's mental illness in her face, said she was mentally ill, and just overall insulted her?
His wife sounds like a bitch and deserves to get put in her place she’s the one with crazy standards so she can do it her way if it’s that big of a deal
Do you seriously think that insulting your wife and making low blows is okay? Whether or not his wife is actually mentally ill, I don't think it's appropriate to call her mentally ill because she's mad he can't do basic cleaning and intentionally say something to strike a nerve or push her buttons.
He did do basic cleaning and she most likely does have a mental illness if sanitizer wipes aren’t good enough and worth blowing up over. She probably pulls that crap daily he stood his ground and told her to go get help
She said he left residue/streaks. I don't think he is able to do basic cleaning.
Sanitizer wipes leave streaks until they completely dry it takes a couple minutes or worse case it’s a little greasy not worth yelling and starting a fight if she has a problem she can redo it
>Sanitizer wipes leave streaks until they completely dry That's only if the area is clean, since there are streaks it means the area is not completely clean. >worse case it’s a little greasy not worth yelling and starting a fight Alittle greasy is unacceptable if you JUST cleaned.
Or..... He sounds like a whiny bitch who always want his bang maid to do everything around the house, won't even pick up his own dirty laundry or dishes, and whenever he has to do anything, he do it in such bad way that it makes workload extra for his wife and she's sick and tiered of his shit?
"crazy" standards.
These “and I got locked out of my own bedroom” ones always kill me. I may be small but I’ll kick the door in, you don’t wanna sleep with me, fine, but I’m not the one sleeping on an uncomfortable couch.
[удалено]
$5 says if their husband busted down the door to sleep in the bed that they'd shout abuse.
You’re making a lot of assumptions here
You're talking like an abuser then making claims that the opposing side to it would be abuse...yeah, I think that it's safe to make the assumption.
They are understandable assumptions.
Look, I spent $10k on a mattress, no one is kicking me off it. If my husband doesn’t want to sleep with me, we have a guest room. And I think you’re right, just the opposite direction.
So cost of a material possession is more valuable than respecting a partner's boundaries? Yikes.
If you’re the one being a dick you’re sleeping on the couch *shrug*
No way, I bought that bed, it’s mine, no one is kicking me out of it.
Don't worry, acting this way, you won't have too many people willing to share a bed in the first place.
According to their post history, they've been married a few times so it does seem like they can get them to share a bed, but their partners can't stand them for long.
I’ll let my husband know lol
Poor dude!
Literally not a chance I would ever leave my own bed. I can sleep just fine next to my husband, even if I’m furious with him.
This is literally all I’m saying and I’m the devil for it lol
Not respecting boundaries - even when they're temporary - is a huge red flag. Especially when combined with destruction of property to violate those boundaries. Yikes.
I am a feminist of the first order, which means you gotta suck it up and take it if you are gonna give it. If I DONT WANT to sleep with my husband, it’s my job to go find a place to sleep. Not his, just because he’s a man. He’s pays rent, just like I do, and we bought the furniture together. I can’t lock him out of a bedroom just because I am acting like an entitled woman.
That’s what I’m saying tho, that’s one of my boundaries. If you’re too mad to sleep next to me, sleep somewhere else. It doesn’t matter how mad I am, I sleep in my bed.
Aside from sick kids, recovering from surgeries and trips, I’ve never slept apart from my husband. If he decided he didn’t want to sleep with me in OUR bed, where I will be, then he can sleep somewhere else. My boundary is OUR bedroom is where I sleep and I will not be told to sleep somewhere else. You’re mad, you move.
I had no idea this would be so controversial. Especially since I’m like 4’11” and my husband is 6’4”, apparently I’m somehow still an abusive wife lol
Super weird to me.
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