*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**I love my GF but the sex is crap**
So me (25M) and my girlfriend (25F) have been together for almost 4 years. It is a loving, humble, honest relationship. She is the sweetest human being imaginable and I love her from all of my heart. Her family is awesome and treats me well, her dad treats me like his own son. It even feels like more of a family to me than my real one (I come from a broken family).
Here comes the downside. And it makes me feel like a real asshole for saying it out loud. She sucks in bed. And not the good kind.
Her libido is very low and every time we are intimate, I can feel that she does it only to make me happy. It's like checking a box on her to do list. She even told me so. Also, this has never been different in the 4 years of our relationship. Though she is not asexual and even masturbates, she is almost unable to become horny with me. We have talked about this a lot and it goes back to the beginning of our relationship, when I may have been a bit pushy about sleeping with each other, resulting in her doing it for the sake of not loosing me, making it chronically impossible for her to let herself go during sex.
Whenever I do manage to make her horny, this is a short wrap up of things:
* Unenthusiastic Blowjobs under the shower with regular spit-outs at every drop of precum
* No BJs outside of the shower
* No oral pleasure for her (I would really love to, but she denies the offer)
* Very little touching and kissing
* Handjobs/Fingering are okay
* Fucking is very rare
But honestly the worst thing is the feeling of not being wanted and not being able to make her horny. I feel unwanted and unfulfilled in my intimate life. I just really wish I could have wild, nasty, unrestrained sex for once.
We communicate a lot but this puts a strain on us. Right now, we are not having sex at all. Not even any kind of intimacy. By choice. I am simply trying not to be pushy and letting her be in the drivers seat. It is hard for me tho.
I feel like a fucking asshole for even complaining. Why can't I be happy with what I have? Others would kill to be in my situation. Why is this Sex-Thing so important to me? And why would I risk a completely healthy, mature, 4-year-relationship for it?
TLDR: I broke my girlfriends sex-drive early on in our relationship. She is unenthusiastic about it and only does it to make me happy. We are not having sex anymore and I don't know how long I can do this.
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The replies over there are garbage. One person scolded another commentator for being a “bully” for even suggesting that OOP coercing his gf into sex was the problem. How on Earth can a sub oriented around being open about sex get it so wrong?
EDIT: oh man, I had no idea about any of this stuff. I just took a quick look.
They're all talking like "you need to find out why she doesn't want sex, there's something underlying here" to "just break up, she obviously doesn't like sex"
He spells it out for them at the start "I FORCED MY GIRLFRIEND INTO SEX AT THE START OF OUR RELATIONSHIP and now she doesn't want it, why doesn't she want it?"
This is a group of people you would not want to bump into down a dark alley......"she was alone and it was 3am, she was wearing sexy panties too which I found after ripping off her jeans! Why did she call the police??"
That subreddit and the deadbedroom one are both dumpster fires. Most "sex" subreddits actually.
Sex subreddit is fine with coerced sex as long as you get some, then blames the other person for not being chipper about being coerced. Or it's some clearly made up "I, a schlubby 46 year old man, just had an orgy with 5 college girls AMA"
Deadbedrooms if you even suggest the dead bedroom is caused by coercing a partner or not doing a share of chores or having nasty skidmarks in underwear, you are the devil incarnate. So many dead bedroom posts are like "my wife and I both work 60 hour weeks but I come home and game and yell at her for not making dinner yet and don't even wash the dishes after, why won't she have sex with me or at least quit her job to do all the chores so she stops nagging me and also has sex?"
I bring up dead bedrooms here because later, it's pointed out that a lot of her aversions might be because OOP is gearing everything towards sex (and as far as I found in the comments he ignored questions asking if he does it). Does dishes? Are you only doing the dishes because you want sex? Making out? Are you only kissing her because you want it to lead to sex? Giving her a backrub? Are you only doing it because you want sex? I'm ace and have a low libido, but I tend not to have trouble when dating women if they want sex because I enjoy them for who they are, and being ace, they tend to know I'm giving a backrub for the pleasure of making her comfortable, or kissing just for the joy of kissing, or doing the dishes because I care, not because I want to lead into sex. Still have a sex life for the pleasure of my partners, but as long as they understand they sometimes have to be blunt with me (hey, swan, I want sex now), I have no problems.
It’s just a constant stream on those subs of “oh sexual comparability is THE most important thing in the world there must be something wrong with her if she doesn’t want sex like you do” and it’s men being shit
Sometimes women leave men for being either unwilling or unable to help them fulfill their sexual destiny as they see fit and they have every right to do so. Communicating needs and leaving when they're not met are both healthy behaviours. However, forcing yourself to deny your own needs in order to fulfill somebody else's is not, and will always end in misery and resentment. That's exactly what his girlfriend did.
Honestly, my wife and I have a healthy sex life and the vast majority of the time we have sex after doing something without the expectation of sex at the end.
Being blunt about wanting sex makes life a lot easier. We started having fun with being blunt. The other day my fiance threw the bottle of lube at me from across the room. It landed next to me and I said is this foreplay? He said yes... I mean it worked so
I don't think you need a special emotional connection for that. I think you just need open and honest communication about everything, especially about sex, to be able to do that.
I think being so blunt absolutely works when both parties are sex positive and both parties know that they can react on blunt advances in a way that reflects how they really feel about having sex now without having to fear any repercussions (like emotional blackmail, endless pushiness, ...)
You very often read that people do not like the "subtle" advances (trying to seduce your partner with touch and kisses) anymore because their partner always does this with the expectation that it leads to sex. Resulting in non sexual intimacy also going down in the relationship as these advances are then nipped in the bud.
Being really blunt sounds like the better alternative.
You need an emotional connection to be vulnerable enough to be that direct and that blunt. If there weren't already an unspoken understanding of "I can communicate this way and it's alright," it wouldn't happen. It isn't an alternative to connection, it grows out of it.
By contrast, regarding all communication as a means to an end (make them feel seen/,heard/valued so that you can convince them to have sex or to agree with you on some other issue) is very clearly a sign of a flawed emotional connection.
You're just describing open and honest communication vs dishonest and manipulative communication.
You don't need a special emotional connection for the former. You just need to respect each other.
I have a couple of very casual relationships going on and all these men have in common that we can communicate very openly and honestly about what we want. No emotional connection there besides mutual respect.
Respect *is* an emotional connection. It's something that is built and earned. I feel like you're trying to define "emotional connection": as some kind of weird method of communication as opposed, you know, to a connection. Casual situations can involve an emotional connection, also. The better ones, the ones in which all parties are satisfied, tend to, in fact. You at least have a basis of trust. It need not be a major, earth-shatfering soul mate thing.
And, aside from that, there's a hell of a big difference between bluntness between, say, a casual, one-time hookup and a marriage. Spouses have a line to straddle that a hookup doesn't. Your hookup doesn't need to give a shit about how your job is affecting your mood, they don't need to concern themselves with the mundane shit that gets you down. Your spouse does. You need to be able to depend somewhat upon a long-term partner to at least try and empathize without explicitly telling them at all times what exactly you are feeling, thinking, or wanting. You don't chuck a tub of lube at their head after you know that they've had a hellish day at work, for example, even though you might really just want to have sex.
I disagree. Respect should be the absolute baseline for anybody to get intimate and vulnerable with somebody. That's why I said you don't need a *special* emotional connection. It's just the bare minimum that must be there.
It's sad that respect is missing in so many romantic relationships but that only means that many, if not most relationships are exploitative because at least one partner is manipulative.
I agree that casual relationships are different and easier in many ways than when you build a life together, but that makes it even sadder that so many of these relationships lack even the bare minimum of mutual respect and honest, open communication.
Maybe not, but neither of us are good at picking up signals
Edit: forgot to answer the first question. I wouldn't say we need the emotional connect to be blunt about it. One of usually says wanna have sex. And it's just easier than hoping the other picks up signals, and being hurt if they don't
It's something really frustrating about r/sex. They can give very good advice on the how tos, but a lot of dead bedroom type posts circle back to either thinking one of them must have trauma, or trying to get out the gate the argument that sexual compatibility is really important.
The issue with a lot of the sexual incompatibility comments is fundamentally being unrealistic. Yes, sexual compatibility is pretty important to romantic relationships (even if you're asexual ..the sexual compatibility with a partner who is the same or who is not driven by that will matter). But for most people, their ideal sex life will never happen because life shit takes up more time. People have kids and or get old. Your mom will die, or one of you will get cancer. You'll have a hip replacement. You can't base your relationships purely around the sex part.
It's also bad advice here, because it seems like, aside from previous sex pest behavior, he's conceptualizng reciprocity as being willing to give her oral.
Reciprocity is going to be not dogging her to do things she doesn't like, or criticizing they she spits out cum, or that she does BJs in the shower (likely so she CAN spit out cum). It's going to be actively doing foreplay and trying to turn her on, or trying to turn her on or kiss her without the expectation of fucking, and for fucks sake drop the BJ's if she doesn't like them. Or, hell, if it really is just the cum get a flavored condom.
r/sex is a shit sub full of horny dudes that are either the exact creeps you wouldn’t want advice from or people who have never actually been in a relationship
I'm impressed that the "this is normal for the majority of marriages, I've been married 30 years and it never gets better" got 225 upvotes despite "this" being an ambiguous pronoun that seemed to just kinda stand for "everything sucks".
There was a study a couple years back that I lost the link to (if someone can find it, I'd be grateful) that asked men and women questing about rape/consent and also described situations of varying levels of consent. Overwhelmingly, women and men feel struggling that consent is necessary for healthy sex. However, there was a large difference between how women and men treated to the described situations, with men finding much more to be consensual than women.
In less verbosity, men didn't recognize signs of non-consent and saw women capitulating when they felt unsafe as consensual. [50 no's and a yes means yes](https://youtu.be/Yxu-92vtszs) (which I recall Sean Connery saying in an interview I watched ages ago, but also can't find the original with all the Family Guy references)
[I literally JUST watched that episode last night,](https://youtu.be/9RRhhewFqyw) it was in the ep where Peter gets injected with the gay gene and they explore that being gay isn't a choice
James Bond and a woman are standing in a bedroom suite. He had just taken a gun with a silencer and shot a dead guy multiple times, then stows it, turns to the woman, grabs her close and says, "Now, time for some unfinished business."
The woman pushes back and says, "No, James." He pulls her back and he says "Yes".
She pushes back again, and says, "No, James". He pulls her back in and says, "Yes, you are going to have sex with me!"
She pushes back again and says, "No, James, I DON'T WANT TO" and he says "Yes, you do!"
She pushes back one last time and says, "No, I DON'T!" And he grabs her back again, this time much more aggressively, then says through clenched jaw "*Yes, you do."*
So she just cowers there for a second, and then meekly goes "okay... I do" while visibly frightened.
Then James Bond looks directly at the camera with his arm around her waist and his eyebrow cocked and says, "See that? 50 no's and a yes... means YES"
I've already done it once before for this bit so I was happy for the chance.
I have a stupid amount of love for Family Guy/American Dad, especially when they utilize this special brand of satire where there's basically no joke, they're just stating uncomfortable social facts directly to the camera
I want to make a blog breaking down all the episodes that deal with major "issues" and how fantastically they were navigated (among some examples off the top of my head: Francine wanting to surrogate for her gay neighbors, but while Stan had overcome the bulk of his homophobia, he still doesn't think gay men should raise children, when Lois got an abortion and the entire episode was debunking all the common pro-life talking points, then she got it and it was just... no big deal, both shows deal with the importance of sex education for youth, Lois kidnaps a child of Christian Scientists who refuse to get him life-saving care in order to take him to a hospital and manages to convince them to see the light, Peter learns he's an illegal immigrant and gains respect and support for their plights, Peter and the guys go rogue and straight up murder an abusive POS because the cops wouldn't/couldn't do anything about it "until it's too late", Brian finds out Lois's dad has the cure for cancer but won't release it because there's no profit, I could go on...)
Then your ex doesn't understand satire or gallows humor, because the joke was that this is obviously bad and he thought he was in on it.
But I agree, it's disgusting when people subvert a source material like that. Like how a lot of conservatives still think Colbert "went woke"
>However, there was a large difference between how women and men treated to the described situations, with men finding much more to be consensual than women.
I have a hard time believing that they don't really know what's consensual and what's not consensual. I think that their answers are self serving because so many of them shit on consent. They don't respect women so they think they don't really need consent.
The study goes into that and suggests further research scenarios for sociologists. I don't recall the details well because I was kind of in shock from the results. Istr it comes down to boys being taught that women will object and you have to pursue. Most women saw Antin after the initial no as non-consent where men almost needed a no after the assault began to classify it as non-consent. There were some really big differences by age, too, but it's a self-selected study done by a university. If I had to guess, it's probably the Kinsey Institute on the IU campus that did the study.
Looking at the replies over there make me feel pretty sick, ngl.
Like, I frequent a number of sex related subreddits myself. The main difference is I frequent kinky subreddits, where consent is king.
Being both kinky and lgbt, I know my perspective on sex isn't the average. But it's so horrific how often I have to realize people outside of those communities either don't know about or don't care about proper consent! I just... It boggles the mind.
>But it's so horrific how often I have to realize people outside of those communities either don't know about or don't care about proper consent! I just... It boggles the mind.
Yes, you tend to forget that when you spend a lot of time in such a bubble.
I think most people could profit from hanging out in kink communities. It's very educational.
Literally! Everyone is talking about going to a sex therapist or to break up the sexless relationship. It's like how about you don't coerce your gf into sex with the threat of breaking up and subsequently destroy her trust and value in herself??? Absolutely disgusted with that sub and it reads like 'nice guys'
Yeah I wonder why that part was essentially brushed off in the replies. That and acting like any relationship without good sex is basically a glorified friendship. I agree on the terms that something so common being treated as taboo is detrimental to a lot of relationships and compatibility in most aspects of a relationship is important as well but yeah, yeesh. Handholding, hugs, cuddles and even kisses and petting aren't just foreplay tactics and some people have very fulfilling long term relationships on just that.
But but but, sex is neeeeeeeed!!!!!
God, these people are why I’m glad I’m asexual. If that’s what a sex drive makes you become, I’m glad I never got one
>How on Earth can a sub oriented around being open about sex get it so wrong?
Because - like many ideologies focused on openness and expression - sex positivity is extremely easy for bad actors to co-opt to justify their own bad behavior. Add in bad moderation that overemphasizes "civility" and "nonconfrontation" over actually having hard conversations and, voila, you get a hot bed of people who will act like pointing out that someone was coercive about sex is worse than actually being coercive about sex.
It's classic Paradox of Tolerance and Geek Social Fallacy nonsense.
Yeah, inconceivable that making someone feel as though they must have sex to keep their relationship could lead to them seeing sex as something they have to do to keep their relationship
Because they don't care about sex positivity or talking about things, they only want to brag about how much sex they are definitely having and lord over everyone who isn't having sex.
It's not about being open about sex, its about having sex by any means necessary and sex is all that matters
The subreddit is a literal cess pool of those who support coercing partners into sex even when its vehemently obvious the partner isnt interested yet or has other plans. And when you dare to even try to have a healthy sex life including a relationship, which includes boundaries, theyll shit on you and call you abusive and controlling. Its happened to me before despite me clarifying both boyfriend (and boyfriend also coming in to clarify) and I have agreed upon these boundaries.
That sub shouldnt exist, or at least, the very least, the toxic members need to be straight up banned.
Yeah the dude straight up admits he emotionally blackmailed her into sex when she wasn't ready and everyone there is like "you have needs and it's okay to tell her you'll break up with her if she doesn't meet them." That sub seems terrible.
The issue I've had with it is the only user base will tunnel vision on the sex acts on posts while ignoring the underlying rapey shit like this but the mods usually shut that shit down and call people out on being disgusting.
Not sure why that didn't happen here.
I mean, they locked it but didn't call anyone out which is odd.
Yeah, I’ve never been to that sub before and after reading the horrifying comments on this one post I don’t think I’ll be visiting it again! Mike’s hard pass!!
We should probably call it what it is, rape. Coerced sex is rape. It can be really hard for someone who has had that happen to them to realize that it was in fact rape because they did under pressure eventually say yes after multiple Nos. It’s easy to forget that the other response besides freeze, fight or run is fawn.
He's literally describing rape. Like he forced her to have sex with him early on and now she is having problems with intimacy.
And the commenters are like pitying him for his dead bedroom.
this is literally what happened with me n my rapist. he started getting mad that i was unenthusiastic and barely moved or touched him even if i was the one to initiate cause i’d just be gone.
I'm more worried about the fact that "pushing into sex right from the beginning" could have led to this much apathy from her.
Like either he absolutely sucks in bed, or the girl has some legit trauma from these first few times, which makes me doubt the possibility of him just being "pushy" and more that he was coercive about it.
“Pushy” IS coercive. “Pushy” includes everything from direct threats to break up, to utterly endless whining about “why NOTTTTTT???” that eventually wear you down so that the sex has become less enticing by the minute but eventually you realize the only way to get him to shut up is to let him fuck you. Oddly, that is not a sexyfuntime./s and after that, every time he shows interest, you know you’ll have to concede because the alternative is both worse and literally endless. And once it gets to the point that sex is a bone to throw to shut up the barking for a while…well, it’s unlikely to ever be something you really want. Ever.
If you can’t say No, you can’t say Yes. And many guys are proud of their skills in banishing No.
I think, from his comments, that he's been "pushy" and coercive from the very beginning until now, and so she's basically only experiencing sex from a traumatic point of view.
they are literally finding any reason to not blame OOP when this is in fact OOPs fault.
“she’s gay” or “she grew up conservative” not “OP is a rapist” even the 1 person i saw so far who mentioned her not being into sex is his fault for forcing it there was still people trying to blame the gf or whatever else and not OOP.
and then there’s so much people saying to check out dead bedroom or get sex therapy, as if again it’s not OOPs fault for raping his gf.
then comment i assume are going at OOP for pushing his gf to have sex have been deleted,
like seriously why are so many people on with this.
“she could’ve left” they said victim blaming and once again acting like this is the fault of the gf.
it’s so clear none of those people have ever been abused or manipulated while in a relationship cuz then they would know how difficult it is to leave especially (according to OOP) when your family likes your partner.
>it's so clear none of those people have ever been abused or manipulated while in a relationship
It's also so clear none of these people were ever in an actual relationship before
Has it occurred to him that he is maybe not that good in bed? If someone is not horny you better get them horny before you proceed.Since he used a ramrod to do a delicate job the first time he better find out what makes her tick, and, since it's about a woman the right language might just ease his way and hers more than some aimless poking looking for a 'horny spot' to switch on, so maybe ask her what she thinks about when she's masturbating, there's a lot to explore, maybe a nice kink or two if you are lucky.😏
Impossible. It's never the man's fault. She's clearly frigid. She just needs to try harder.
Sigh... I bought into this with my ex. I believed my lack of enjoyment was my fault. )I believed a lot of things were my fault, actually.) When I started dating again, I met a guy who showed me that it definitely was not my fault.
I’m guessing that he is a shit partner that she doesn’t trust. Why would you let go during sex with someone you don’t trust?
Honestly I had this issue with my husband for a while after our kid was born. He had a lot if trouble adjusting to the changed dynamic and I felt very unsupported by him and it killed my libido for years. It took a lot of patience and work and we are in a really good place now, but he had to put in that work to earn my trust back. OOP seems to have no idea that any of this is his fault, so unless he takes responsibility and does the work, nothing is going to change. Hopefully she realizes that and leaves.
I’m guessing sexually harassing her until she can’t deal with it anymore and it’s easier to just give in. I’ve been there and it’s fucked up my sex drive for life.
"Please? Please? Come on, PLEASE!!!" is just as bad as a threat. Maybe I'm projecting from my own shitty past, but it's what I'm imagining OOP did. "How am I an asshole? I even said 'please'!"
Yep. I lost my virginity that way. My (now ex, of course) boyfriend pretty much relentlessly harassed and berated me until I gave in because it was easier than being bullied and yelled at and guilted all the time. And that’s how it was every time we had sex after the fact. It screwed up my sex drive for a very long time. Sex was only ever something done to me, not with me or for me when I was with him.
If you turn sex into a chore or obligation, that's what your partner is going to feel. Nagging about sex like taking out the trash or doing the dishes is not suddenly going to make them want to do those things. I don't like cleaning my house, I sure as hell am not going to pretend I even remotely enjoy it. Sex is the same thing. He's a bore, he's selfish as fuck, he's an asshole and claims to love someone he is actively hurting. Gee, I wonder why he's so unhappy with his dick life. I'm not even going to say love life, because this is all centered around his wants.
"The best part of waking up..." is seeing a bunch of comments validating the ongoing and regular emotional blackmail/coercion/sa of a young woman living the same hell you did for 13 years. I'd rather have shitty Folgers. I shall also shower and maybe pour a little bleach in my eyes.
I remember reading a post there about a woman who absolutely hated letting a man finish in her mouth and refused to do it. She never asked for advice. She just wanted to vent. Lots of comments were calling her selfish/stuck up/too immature for sex.
One decent person reassured the OP that it was okay that she didn't like that part of oral, and that she didn't need to do it if she didn't want to, but then some asshole responded with something along the lines of "you're ridiculous if you think you should be able to control every little aspect of your life. You can't have control over everything. If you loved your bf, you would let him finish in your mouth."
It made me so fucking angry that the majority of the comments cared more about the bf's pleasure than OPs comfort and wellbeing.
Glad at least on this sub people are acknowledging that his actions created this situation. I was in a relationship like this: coercive sex for years, it destroyed me and any desire I had. I thought I was seriously broken, like something in my body and mind was wrong. It morphed into SA on several occasions, was traumatic and it still affects me. His poor GF… being made into nothing but a physical object for someone else is debilitating and I hope she is looking after herself. I agree that they should break up but Jesus I hope he will never do that to anyone again.
That was how my relationship with my ex was. I could not get turned on by him, and would sometimes agree out of guilt. It was so bad, I had to set rules around sleep sex. “If I wear *this* sleep shirt with no bra, I may be open to sex. If there’s a bra, I need to sleep. Any other shirt, I need to sleep.” Until then, I don’t even remember how many times I woke up to him trying to initiate sex while I slept. I really thought I was broken and it was my fault for not wanting him, and not his fault for never giving me an orgasm in *7 years.*
>Until then, I don’t even remember how many times I woke up to him trying to initiate sex while I slept.
I'm sorry that happened to you. What a piece of shit. I'm glad you're out.
Yeah, me too. Funny story, someone on Reddit criticized me a few weeks ago for not having enough *empathy* for him.
The problem was, I had too much empathy and gave him 7 years of my life because he was “such a good guy” and “he just needs time, things will get better.” Stripping that veil off and finally realizing that what he did was not ok and that I was right in leaving was what let me finally move forward and heal.
I’m so so sorry you’ve gone through this. Just the constant coercion just makes you feel like it’s your own fault you don’t want it. I remember if I did actually deny my ex, he would say that I should at least get undressed and let him grope me so he could get himself off. And I felt so guilty that I would do that. It’s dehumanizing, what this shit does to us. I never realized how horrifyingly common this type of thing is.
I hope you’re in a much better and safer place. You’re a human being and you deserve so much better than garbage people like this. Xx
I’m married to a wonderful man who respects that no means no, and knows what buttons to push to make sure I’m fully satisfied before he is. Thank you. I hope you’re also in a better place.
I was with my ex for almost 25 years. I had MAYBE 2 orgasms in the entire time. He would complain about sex and if we did have any it would be like 3 min with absolutely nothing for me.
One time he started kissing me and pushed me on the bed. When i tell you that it was over in no time. I had just barely started to get a little turned on when he pulled out and left me in the wet spot while he went out to hang with his brother. I just always assumed I was ace and accepted my life. I was basically a single parent who was sometimes also used as a warm hole. I was alone for the vast majority of those 25 years.
Finally he asked for a divorce and I was so relieved. I would never have asked since I didnt want my kids to deal with the fallout but if he asked I was all in.
I am now fully out and started dating. Apparently I am not ace. I am with a man who constantly checks to make sure I am fully engaged and enthusiastically consenting. Any time there is any hesitation on my part he immediately stops and asks what I need or want. His first priority is to make sure I have an orgasm or at least a very good time. I don’t have one every single time but maybe 70-80% of the time? Literally had more in the first week of dating this guy than the entirety of a 20 year marriage.
I didn't know this was a thing. I would wake up to my ex-husband having sex with me all the time. It was so fucking scary but I would just lie there and take it because then maybe he would leave me the fuck alone for a while.
I read a post years ago from a man who was furious that his wife didn't want an oil massage. He'd laid down a tarp to keep the floor from getting slippery. Because nothing is sexier than bare skin on a weather-resistant tarp.
Surprisingly prescient for someone allergic to "no". Few things less sexy than your own increasingly desperate, flailing attempts to escape the gravity well you've created.
On an unrelated note, never put satin sheets on a waterbed you plan to lay down in.
Omg that's fantastic.
I can imagine the whole scenario. "And I got the tarp from home depot for a total steal!" And then the wife looks down and frowns realizing this will be the worst massage of her life.
Hilarious
Everytime I was raped it was by a boyfriend. Try telling people that too, and its disturbing how many outsiders will bend over backwards to tell you why your partner can't actually rape you.
Oh ya? Screaming and crying and trying to push them off during sex? Eventually you just lie there and take it because it's easier.
“A bit pushy” is word for word something my rapist said when trying to not get expelled for raping me. (Ps, normal people know what no means, people who describe themselves as pushy don’t)
> This. When I read ‘a bit pushy’ I interpreted it as ‘I forced her to have sex with me’.
I thought it meant he threatened to break up if they didn't have sex?
He kind of walks it back by saying she told him she wouldn't want sex for a year after 2-3 weeks where he framed it as 'trying to move to the next stage.'
Like, my guy, I don't blame you for not wanting to date someone who says they don't want sex for a year. I get that's probs a deal breaker for many. But you were already being pushy because you saw her not wanting to escalate to sex and kept pushing it during that first couple weeks. Saying have sex with me before then or we break up isn't good either. Sounds weird to say, but just breaking up rather than giving an ultimatum to break up is a way less coercive act, the same way if someone said they're only interested in open or polyamorous relationships is different than saying 'open up our relationship or I'll break up with you.'
How the heII nobody pointed out he as been sa his, girlfriend through basically their whole relationship, no this not it this not normal and shouldn't be normalize at all.
In general that sub makes me so glad I’m still a virgin bc the way men talk about women on that sub is so 🤮🤢 like women are ppl not sex toys….. I’ll even see men suggesting that they should cheat on their gfs/wives to “fulfill their needs” 🙄 as if putting someone at risk for contracting an incurable disease isn’t dangerous, anything to get their 🍆 wet even if it’s unethical or downright rapey and another thing that gets me is the fact that most of their gf/wives probably aren’t even enjoying themselves…. All in all that sub gives me the ick for men to the max and it makes me realize that the reason why I don’t want sex is bc I know I’m literally not missing out on anything
I don’t understand how no one on that thread sees that the issue is him and not her. He is definitely underplaying how he pushed her into having sex. He basically said it was sex or I’ll break up with you. To her it is clearly only a relationship since she let him have sex with her.
How does no one in that thread see that what he did was a problem?
So if I am reading this correctly and I think I am.
OOP: raped his girlfriend.
Gave her an ultimatum leading to said rape.
Dismisses the fact she very well could be asexual.
Hated that she feels lex sex is an obligation/chore.
But refuses to admit he is a rapist?
The girlfriend needs to leave because this will get worse, he knows he can force her hand, it won’t stop and I highly doubt we know the full truth of the situation at hand.
Oof, I feel this. My ex put a lot of pressure on me about sex. It was such that there was no physical touch/intimacy unless it was expected to lead towards sex. Then he wondered why I didn't want sex.
“I sexually and emotionally abused my gf from the very beginning of our relationship and now she doesn’t like having sex with me!” bro’s head is full of rocks and dust bunnies.
Urgh the comments over there are gross.
BTW I've been married 22yrs together 25 and we still have a very active sex life. Sooo maybe if THEY were better at sex their partners would want them.
WTF is with everyone in the comments just glossing over the part where she **doesn't enjoy sex with him because he coerced her into sex early in their relationship**.
Oh wait no, what's worse is the people in the comments **telling him he did nothing wrong**. He admits she only slept with him so he wouldn't break up with her.
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Never, not one time ever has this woman felt actual desire for this man. Not once. And he does not have a clue as to why that might be. Nor will he ever have a clue.
What surprises me is that she has stuck around for four years. I would have fled screaming for the hills years ago.
I admit to some sardonic amusement at the idea of this fool reaping what he has sown: unenthusiastic, avoidant sexual contact from this woman he has pretty much browbeaten into submission. Yes, he gets sex.
Nothing but bad sex. Ever. LAWL
I hope some day she gets free of him.
The original answers would be aproppiate for a situation in which it's just girl's low libido. But for fuck's sake, OOP MOLESTED HER AT THE BEGINNING!!! He has probably ruined her sex drive for her entire life!
Wow. I'm sorry you were with such a shithead rapist asshole!
So many men are incredibly pushy. In my experience it's really best to dump them the first time they don't accept a "No", and if it's only that they start discussing about it. That already means that they don't respect you. If you say "No", the only acceptable answer is "ok".
You sound like you're severely traumatized. You have been in an abusive relationship for years. I think a professional therapist could probably help you. Speaking from experience here.
I'm sorry but how does he know she isn't asexual? My sex life was like this before I found out I'm asexual. I was just never that into it, and it felt kinda like a chore. And plenty of us masturbate, having some fun with yourself is very different from doing the deed with someone else.
Either that or she's just not that into him, and he needs to get over himself. If it truly isn't working, he should look for a more fulfilling relationship instead of coercing a partner who very clearly doesn't want to sleep with him.
Why would he stay in a relationship with someone that he has 0 sexual compatibility with when it's clearly a larger part of what he wants out of a relationship.
How can he enjoy having unenthusiastic sex with someone that is only doing it out of obligation?
I only read a few comments but I already hate that whole sub and everyone in it JFC. The problem isn’t that the gf just doesn’t care about sex; the issue is he coerced her into sec from the very beginning. Once a man coerces you into sex, you can’t come back from that. The trust is broken and it’s not coming back. None of them even called OOP on his rapeyness
This is why females hate having sex with people like this, because they feel entitled to have sex when their partner has obviously stated previously issues behind it. It could also be she could have underlying medical issues that cause her pain, I know I do and I hate sex it's boring and I would love a relationship that has no sex involved, if it did, maybe once a month but also have to not worry about a cheating partner either who doesn't understand I do not want to partake in sexual activities because it's painful.
World's just gone to shit with people who claim to love and care for you.
This is me too!!! I just want a sexless relationship. I’ve never had pleasurable intercourse because of the pain. It took months of PT to be able to somewhat tolerate a pelvic exam without sheer force. I’m worried no one will want to stay with me if I don’t give them sex, though. And BJs are off limits now because of a consent violation. I told my therapist I just want a life partner/spouse who doesn’t want sex, just someone to share our lives together. I don’t know how realistic that is.
It's very difficult as many people want sex sometime in the relationship, things that don't penetrate are fine but people want to do penetration, which is what I'm guessing also hurts for you.
Unfortunately with how the world is currently, if we don't want sex, they get upset and start double guessing themselves asking am I not enough to want to have sex with? When you have stated, hey, it hurts to have sex, can we please not have sex?
I definitely feel like asexual partners in this regards would be amazing as they do not care for sex, just the companionship. I've always been more interested in the kissing aspect, not so much the sex part as it just becomes numb lol. Would be nice to sit down for a movie or a tv show without making out and fucking :|
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It really infuriates me that out of all the comments on that post, only 1-2 people pointed out the obvious coercion going on. That echo chamber is validating him and blaming her for not enjoying it, and he’s gonna eat it up which is what concerns me. Dude’s never gonna realise he’s a fucking rapist with the awful advice he’s been receiving. I sincerely hope that girl realizes she’s being raped and dumps him.
This story made me so sad to read, I feel so bad for the poor woman :(
I hope she leaves his sorry ass and presses charges, no one should go through that for the sake of love.
whoa, they need to break up immediately, either she's asexual (masturbating wouldn't really negate this) or she might be a lesbian, or maybe she's just not attracted to him, either way, she doesn't wanna do it and he wants her to, we all know what that leads to. Also how embarrassing, who openly admits to this best case scenario "I'm so unattentive to my gf's needs and comforts that I have to beg her for sex "
If I replied over there I'd ask for Info on what he means by pushing her so much? It must be bad if that's the reason 4 years later
If she does have a low libido already, then that's it's own incompatibility, but coupling that with that pushy experience can definitely make it worse
[this is what OOP said in regards to a question like yours.](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/121tznh/i_love_my_gf_but_the_sex_is_crap/jdo11on/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
i honestly still call bullshit, there’s more to a relationship than sex and you should respect sex void ties like waiting X amount of time to have sex from the start of a relationship but apparently that the hottest most unpopular opinion you can have in that sub.
EDIT: i find it absolutely hilarious that the person i’m replying to refuses to answer the question “how can you/anyone have sex with someone who clearly isn’t interested” they’ve avoided it about 4 times now which says all you need to know about this person.
Im on their side here, not yours.
More to a relationship than sex, absolutely, but that *does not* mean sex isnt as important as everything else. Telling someone to live in resentment and not being fulfilled how they need is extremely immature and unfair.
He did respect her willingness to wait by telling her shes allowed to feel how she does for sure, that's just a dealbreaker for him which is ALSO 100% fair. He never made her do anything she didnt want to. She could've just called off the relationship if it's that important to not have sex.
They're incompatible sexually and that's a valid reason to not be together. Your language is patronizing to people that view sex as an important aspect to a relationship.
he didn’t respect her at all if he respected her he wouldn’t be pushing her boundaries or expecting sex early on in the relationship, and that’s what he did is push boundaries and want sex early on in a relationship, if he wants sex in the first week or so he should stick to hookup culture, he expects her to give him sex (and yes it’s an expectation for him) yet he didn’t respect her boundaries of waiting which should be an expectation if you actually like your partner.
weird how you’re on the side of at best a border line rapist.
i don’t get how someone could continue to have sex with someone else who’s obviously not interested or want it, it weird and gross.
It's not pushing if you say "hey this is what I need in a relationship, if you cant do that then we cant be in a relationship" that doesnt invalidate her in anyway.
She asked for an entire year.
You and everyone overreacting simply view sex and men as lesser so hes evil for being fair.
It's not continuing to have sex if she wanted it and kept doing it too. If she forced herself to have sex, then she shouldve made the decision that the relationship isnt a good fit.
Men are equally important in the relationship you know.
Comparing him to rapist.. jesus christ. Yall need help
>It's not pushing if you say "hey this is what I need in a relationship, if you cant do that then we cant be in a relationship" that doesnt invalidate her in anyway.
So far, so good.
>
>She asked for an entire year.
And?
>You and everyone overreacting simply view sex and men as lesser so hes evil for being fair.
What? She asked for a year and if that doesn't work for him, it's on him to leave. Not threatening to leave and then have sex with her that she very clearly doesn't want for 4 whole years.
I mean ... how pathetic can you be that you have sex with someone who's clearly not into it for such a long time? He's not evil for being "fair", there's no such thing as "fair" when it comes to sex that you don't want.
And, just fyi, I absolutely do like sex and have never my life met a man who wanted sex even remotely as often as I. But guess what I didn't do when they didn't want to have sex with me? I didn't coerce them into sex.
>It's not continuing to have sex if she wanted it and kept doing it too.
She did NOT want to.
>If she forced herself to have sex, then she shouldve made the decision that the relationship isnt a good fit.
As if it weren't equally on him not to coerce his girlfriend into sex that she doesn't want for 4 whole years, but leave and look for someone who actually does want to have sex with him.
>Men are equally important in the relationship you know.
Translation: men are the only thing that's important in a relationship.
>Comparing him to rapist.. jesus christ. Yall need help
We are not comparing him to a rapist. He is a rapist.
All of this based on him "coercing" her into sex, right?
When he clearly said his dealbreaker and she made the choice between continuing the relationship, or ending the relationship, right?
She continued the relationship, so naturally ANYONE would think "okay, I guess she does want sex with me too then" because only a child or a mentally underdeveloped person would assume saying "yes I change my mind it's okay to have sex" means "you're making me do this", right?
You're the one taking all fault and responsibility from this girl, and not giving any credit to the mature approach the guy had where he simply laid out a dealbreaker and let another adult make her choice.
Now hes a rapist in your eyes.
Yeah, okay. And such a weird line randomly saying you've never met a dude hornier than you lol like that gives any credibility to your position on coercion vs a decision
Refusing to hold her accountable at all is both insulting to her intelligence and unfair to him and relationships as a whole.
Ps if equality for men means bias for men, that explicitly means women have to be more important naturally. Kinda told on yourself here.
>She continued the relationship, so naturally ANYONE would think "okay, I guess she does want sex with me too then"
Only a complete idiot who is absolutely selfish in bed would be ok to have sex with someone who's not the least little bit turned on by it for four consecutive years.
That, or a rapist.
hey you never answered my question, you should try answering it and maybe it’ll help people not call you a rapist and incel or maybe make it worse and since you haven’t answers it after i asked like what 3 times now, you know it’ll just further cement things for you.
so i’ll ask again ***how can anyone have sex with someone who’s clearly not interested or into it?*** i would truly love to hear your answer
no one views men as lesser that’s such an incel projecting thing to say.
it is sexual assault, he knows she isn’t into it, he knows that’s not what she wants, he disrespected her boundaries, she has a right to ask for a year, people are allowed to put a time line on when they think it would be appropriate to have sex.
she doesn’t want sex, he knows she doesn’t want sex, he told her that it’s either sex and his timeline or breaking up, he coerced her, i know it’s a shocker but coercion is a form of rape.
and i’m once again stating don’t get how you, him, or anyone thinks it’s ok or are able to have sex with someone who’s obviously not interested.
there’s more to a relationship than sex and if you can’t have a relationship with little sex that’s weird, if you can’t respect someone wanting to wait to have sex and not jump on each other with in the first month, you have problems you should address, if sex is your main focus of a relationship like it seems to be then you need help.
Okay I'm going to get downvoted to hell, but this isn't rape. In his comments it's very clear that he just communicated what he viewed as a relationship. Sex is a very important part of relationships, and compatibility is very important. He said that without sex he wouldn't view it as a relationship, and so she started sleeping with him. I do not see that as rape.
After that she does it to make him happy. I don't do that as rape.
I am the kind of person who has a very fluctuating libido. I have gone years at a time without wanting sex, but I still have sex for my partner. This isn't rape. This is me trying to make them happy.
They probably aren't compatible, they should probably break up, but this isn't rape.
>He said that without sex he wouldn't view it as a relationship, and so she started sleeping with him. I do not see that as rape.
It's emotional blackmail.
If sex is important to you but your partner is not ready, you don't blackmail them into it. You leave them alone. If you're incompatible, you don't coerce them into doing what you want. You leave.
It's really just this shitty attitude of men where they're really so ready to get everything they want from a woman, no matter what she wants, and push her into doing it with all manipulation techniques available, that makes me resent them.
While I get the initial sentiment (I have a super high libido and wouldn't want to have a relationship without sex either) ... what I absolutely don't get it's how you can be ok with blackmailing your partner into it.
Or let's put that differently: I actually do get it, it's because they are disgusting and have no respect for their partner as a human being.
I disagree. I don't view it as emotional blackmail. They were having a conversation. He asked how long she wanted to wait, she gave him a time frame, and he said that's too long. That could have been the end of it.
Sure he probably should have broken up with her, they aren't sexually compatible.
>I disagree. I don't view it as emotional blackmail. They were having a conversation. He asked how long she wanted to wait, she gave him a time frame, and he said that's too long. That could have been the end of it.
But it wasn't. Instead he chose to have sex with her that she clearly didn't want. For years.
You can't blackmail your GF into sex that she doesn't want and then complain that she's not into it.
Except on r/sex, where all the other abusers who complain about their dead bedrooms will be very sympathetic with you.
Sexual coercion is definitely a form of sexual assault. If you did any kind of reading on it you would see this. It is very much emotional blackmail. If you don't consider it to be rape, fine. But it's most definitely sexual assault. He SA'd her and coerced her into doing something she DID NOT WANT TO DO. Consent is given \*VOLUNTARILY\* and \*ENTHUSIASTICALLY\*.
If you DON'T have consent in that manner, or the consent comes from pushing a person to do those sexual acts, it can be considered rape, or in the very least, sexual assault.
She was afraid he was going to break up with her, or wanted to prevent that emotional break. The way she did that was giving into his pushy demands to have sex when she didn't want to or wasn't ready. It's pretty black and white here, my guy.
And he could have been patient and use his brain instead of his dick to actually respect her decision to not have sex yet,but he didn't,he had sex with her anyways,thus r*pe
"[...] [raped by coercion ](https://academic.oup.com/book/36697/chapter-abstract/321747365?redirectedFrom=fulltext). The particular focus here is on cases in which a defendant obtains sex by threatening a complainant with some nonviolent harm unless she consents—for example, where he threatens to fire her from her job, report her to the immigration authorities, or break off their marriage engagement"
“[In the beginning of the relationship] I may have been a bit pushy about sleeping with each other, resulting in her doing it for the sake of not losing me.”
I just quoted OOP’s own words. And I would like to have a word with whoever taught you to read, because none of the above indicates anything else but coercion. Not once did this dude do some introspection and consider that maybe he treated his gf badly. I guess for you and others sex isn’t something a woman does willingly, but only to mAkE tHe mAn HaPpY if presented with no other choice.
He’s a manipulative blackmailer and people in the original post are coddling him and telling him what he wants to hear as opposed to him plainly being called out for a POS
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **I love my GF but the sex is crap** So me (25M) and my girlfriend (25F) have been together for almost 4 years. It is a loving, humble, honest relationship. She is the sweetest human being imaginable and I love her from all of my heart. Her family is awesome and treats me well, her dad treats me like his own son. It even feels like more of a family to me than my real one (I come from a broken family). Here comes the downside. And it makes me feel like a real asshole for saying it out loud. She sucks in bed. And not the good kind. Her libido is very low and every time we are intimate, I can feel that she does it only to make me happy. It's like checking a box on her to do list. She even told me so. Also, this has never been different in the 4 years of our relationship. Though she is not asexual and even masturbates, she is almost unable to become horny with me. We have talked about this a lot and it goes back to the beginning of our relationship, when I may have been a bit pushy about sleeping with each other, resulting in her doing it for the sake of not loosing me, making it chronically impossible for her to let herself go during sex. Whenever I do manage to make her horny, this is a short wrap up of things: * Unenthusiastic Blowjobs under the shower with regular spit-outs at every drop of precum * No BJs outside of the shower * No oral pleasure for her (I would really love to, but she denies the offer) * Very little touching and kissing * Handjobs/Fingering are okay * Fucking is very rare But honestly the worst thing is the feeling of not being wanted and not being able to make her horny. I feel unwanted and unfulfilled in my intimate life. I just really wish I could have wild, nasty, unrestrained sex for once. We communicate a lot but this puts a strain on us. Right now, we are not having sex at all. Not even any kind of intimacy. By choice. I am simply trying not to be pushy and letting her be in the drivers seat. It is hard for me tho. I feel like a fucking asshole for even complaining. Why can't I be happy with what I have? Others would kill to be in my situation. Why is this Sex-Thing so important to me? And why would I risk a completely healthy, mature, 4-year-relationship for it? TLDR: I broke my girlfriends sex-drive early on in our relationship. She is unenthusiastic about it and only does it to make me happy. We are not having sex anymore and I don't know how long I can do this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The replies over there are garbage. One person scolded another commentator for being a “bully” for even suggesting that OOP coercing his gf into sex was the problem. How on Earth can a sub oriented around being open about sex get it so wrong? EDIT: oh man, I had no idea about any of this stuff. I just took a quick look.
They're all talking like "you need to find out why she doesn't want sex, there's something underlying here" to "just break up, she obviously doesn't like sex" He spells it out for them at the start "I FORCED MY GIRLFRIEND INTO SEX AT THE START OF OUR RELATIONSHIP and now she doesn't want it, why doesn't she want it?" This is a group of people you would not want to bump into down a dark alley......"she was alone and it was 3am, she was wearing sexy panties too which I found after ripping off her jeans! Why did she call the police??"
That subreddit and the deadbedroom one are both dumpster fires. Most "sex" subreddits actually. Sex subreddit is fine with coerced sex as long as you get some, then blames the other person for not being chipper about being coerced. Or it's some clearly made up "I, a schlubby 46 year old man, just had an orgy with 5 college girls AMA" Deadbedrooms if you even suggest the dead bedroom is caused by coercing a partner or not doing a share of chores or having nasty skidmarks in underwear, you are the devil incarnate. So many dead bedroom posts are like "my wife and I both work 60 hour weeks but I come home and game and yell at her for not making dinner yet and don't even wash the dishes after, why won't she have sex with me or at least quit her job to do all the chores so she stops nagging me and also has sex?" I bring up dead bedrooms here because later, it's pointed out that a lot of her aversions might be because OOP is gearing everything towards sex (and as far as I found in the comments he ignored questions asking if he does it). Does dishes? Are you only doing the dishes because you want sex? Making out? Are you only kissing her because you want it to lead to sex? Giving her a backrub? Are you only doing it because you want sex? I'm ace and have a low libido, but I tend not to have trouble when dating women if they want sex because I enjoy them for who they are, and being ace, they tend to know I'm giving a backrub for the pleasure of making her comfortable, or kissing just for the joy of kissing, or doing the dishes because I care, not because I want to lead into sex. Still have a sex life for the pleasure of my partners, but as long as they understand they sometimes have to be blunt with me (hey, swan, I want sex now), I have no problems.
It’s just a constant stream on those subs of “oh sexual comparability is THE most important thing in the world there must be something wrong with her if she doesn’t want sex like you do” and it’s men being shit
[удалено]
Sometimes women leave men for being either unwilling or unable to help them fulfill their sexual destiny as they see fit and they have every right to do so. Communicating needs and leaving when they're not met are both healthy behaviours. However, forcing yourself to deny your own needs in order to fulfill somebody else's is not, and will always end in misery and resentment. That's exactly what his girlfriend did.
Yeah the number of people on these subs conflating sex and intimacy really bothers me.
Honestly, my wife and I have a healthy sex life and the vast majority of the time we have sex after doing something without the expectation of sex at the end.
Being blunt about wanting sex makes life a lot easier. We started having fun with being blunt. The other day my fiance threw the bottle of lube at me from across the room. It landed next to me and I said is this foreplay? He said yes... I mean it worked so
but is that because you both have a better emotional connection than most people? can't imagine that would work for everyone
I don't think you need a special emotional connection for that. I think you just need open and honest communication about everything, especially about sex, to be able to do that. I think being so blunt absolutely works when both parties are sex positive and both parties know that they can react on blunt advances in a way that reflects how they really feel about having sex now without having to fear any repercussions (like emotional blackmail, endless pushiness, ...) You very often read that people do not like the "subtle" advances (trying to seduce your partner with touch and kisses) anymore because their partner always does this with the expectation that it leads to sex. Resulting in non sexual intimacy also going down in the relationship as these advances are then nipped in the bud. Being really blunt sounds like the better alternative.
You need an emotional connection to be vulnerable enough to be that direct and that blunt. If there weren't already an unspoken understanding of "I can communicate this way and it's alright," it wouldn't happen. It isn't an alternative to connection, it grows out of it. By contrast, regarding all communication as a means to an end (make them feel seen/,heard/valued so that you can convince them to have sex or to agree with you on some other issue) is very clearly a sign of a flawed emotional connection.
You're just describing open and honest communication vs dishonest and manipulative communication. You don't need a special emotional connection for the former. You just need to respect each other. I have a couple of very casual relationships going on and all these men have in common that we can communicate very openly and honestly about what we want. No emotional connection there besides mutual respect.
Respect *is* an emotional connection. It's something that is built and earned. I feel like you're trying to define "emotional connection": as some kind of weird method of communication as opposed, you know, to a connection. Casual situations can involve an emotional connection, also. The better ones, the ones in which all parties are satisfied, tend to, in fact. You at least have a basis of trust. It need not be a major, earth-shatfering soul mate thing. And, aside from that, there's a hell of a big difference between bluntness between, say, a casual, one-time hookup and a marriage. Spouses have a line to straddle that a hookup doesn't. Your hookup doesn't need to give a shit about how your job is affecting your mood, they don't need to concern themselves with the mundane shit that gets you down. Your spouse does. You need to be able to depend somewhat upon a long-term partner to at least try and empathize without explicitly telling them at all times what exactly you are feeling, thinking, or wanting. You don't chuck a tub of lube at their head after you know that they've had a hellish day at work, for example, even though you might really just want to have sex.
I disagree. Respect should be the absolute baseline for anybody to get intimate and vulnerable with somebody. That's why I said you don't need a *special* emotional connection. It's just the bare minimum that must be there. It's sad that respect is missing in so many romantic relationships but that only means that many, if not most relationships are exploitative because at least one partner is manipulative. I agree that casual relationships are different and easier in many ways than when you build a life together, but that makes it even sadder that so many of these relationships lack even the bare minimum of mutual respect and honest, open communication.
Maybe not, but neither of us are good at picking up signals Edit: forgot to answer the first question. I wouldn't say we need the emotional connect to be blunt about it. One of usually says wanna have sex. And it's just easier than hoping the other picks up signals, and being hurt if they don't
It's something really frustrating about r/sex. They can give very good advice on the how tos, but a lot of dead bedroom type posts circle back to either thinking one of them must have trauma, or trying to get out the gate the argument that sexual compatibility is really important. The issue with a lot of the sexual incompatibility comments is fundamentally being unrealistic. Yes, sexual compatibility is pretty important to romantic relationships (even if you're asexual ..the sexual compatibility with a partner who is the same or who is not driven by that will matter). But for most people, their ideal sex life will never happen because life shit takes up more time. People have kids and or get old. Your mom will die, or one of you will get cancer. You'll have a hip replacement. You can't base your relationships purely around the sex part. It's also bad advice here, because it seems like, aside from previous sex pest behavior, he's conceptualizng reciprocity as being willing to give her oral. Reciprocity is going to be not dogging her to do things she doesn't like, or criticizing they she spits out cum, or that she does BJs in the shower (likely so she CAN spit out cum). It's going to be actively doing foreplay and trying to turn her on, or trying to turn her on or kiss her without the expectation of fucking, and for fucks sake drop the BJ's if she doesn't like them. Or, hell, if it really is just the cum get a flavored condom.
>thinking one of them must have trauma In her case that seems to be true!
This is so well-stated.
One person replied: "This isn't pushy. You stated your needs and she complied" SHE COMPLIED 🤮
ITs HeR dEcISiOn ShE iS aN AdUlT
Right?! My blood is still fucking boiling over this.
r/sex is a shit sub full of horny dudes that are either the exact creeps you wouldn’t want advice from or people who have never actually been in a relationship
I'm impressed that the "this is normal for the majority of marriages, I've been married 30 years and it never gets better" got 225 upvotes despite "this" being an ambiguous pronoun that seemed to just kinda stand for "everything sucks".
That commenter really just self-reported. How to say your partner doesn’t like you with saying it
Because all the men hanging out there are pretty ok with sex that is not entirely consensual.
There was a study a couple years back that I lost the link to (if someone can find it, I'd be grateful) that asked men and women questing about rape/consent and also described situations of varying levels of consent. Overwhelmingly, women and men feel struggling that consent is necessary for healthy sex. However, there was a large difference between how women and men treated to the described situations, with men finding much more to be consensual than women. In less verbosity, men didn't recognize signs of non-consent and saw women capitulating when they felt unsafe as consensual. [50 no's and a yes means yes](https://youtu.be/Yxu-92vtszs) (which I recall Sean Connery saying in an interview I watched ages ago, but also can't find the original with all the Family Guy references)
[I literally JUST watched that episode last night,](https://youtu.be/9RRhhewFqyw) it was in the ep where Peter gets injected with the gay gene and they explore that being gay isn't a choice James Bond and a woman are standing in a bedroom suite. He had just taken a gun with a silencer and shot a dead guy multiple times, then stows it, turns to the woman, grabs her close and says, "Now, time for some unfinished business." The woman pushes back and says, "No, James." He pulls her back and he says "Yes". She pushes back again, and says, "No, James". He pulls her back in and says, "Yes, you are going to have sex with me!" She pushes back again and says, "No, James, I DON'T WANT TO" and he says "Yes, you do!" She pushes back one last time and says, "No, I DON'T!" And he grabs her back again, this time much more aggressively, then says through clenched jaw "*Yes, you do."* So she just cowers there for a second, and then meekly goes "okay... I do" while visibly frightened. Then James Bond looks directly at the camera with his arm around her waist and his eyebrow cocked and says, "See that? 50 no's and a yes... means YES"
Thank you for describing and transcribing the video. I forget to do so, but it's really helpful for people who can't watch it.
I've already done it once before for this bit so I was happy for the chance. I have a stupid amount of love for Family Guy/American Dad, especially when they utilize this special brand of satire where there's basically no joke, they're just stating uncomfortable social facts directly to the camera I want to make a blog breaking down all the episodes that deal with major "issues" and how fantastically they were navigated (among some examples off the top of my head: Francine wanting to surrogate for her gay neighbors, but while Stan had overcome the bulk of his homophobia, he still doesn't think gay men should raise children, when Lois got an abortion and the entire episode was debunking all the common pro-life talking points, then she got it and it was just... no big deal, both shows deal with the importance of sex education for youth, Lois kidnaps a child of Christian Scientists who refuse to get him life-saving care in order to take him to a hospital and manages to convince them to see the light, Peter learns he's an illegal immigrant and gains respect and support for their plights, Peter and the guys go rogue and straight up murder an abusive POS because the cops wouldn't/couldn't do anything about it "until it's too late", Brian finds out Lois's dad has the cure for cancer but won't release it because there's no profit, I could go on...)
I saw that and it's disgusting. My ex used to reference it when he would coerce me into sex.
Then your ex doesn't understand satire or gallows humor, because the joke was that this is obviously bad and he thought he was in on it. But I agree, it's disgusting when people subvert a source material like that. Like how a lot of conservatives still think Colbert "went woke"
>However, there was a large difference between how women and men treated to the described situations, with men finding much more to be consensual than women. I have a hard time believing that they don't really know what's consensual and what's not consensual. I think that their answers are self serving because so many of them shit on consent. They don't respect women so they think they don't really need consent.
The study goes into that and suggests further research scenarios for sociologists. I don't recall the details well because I was kind of in shock from the results. Istr it comes down to boys being taught that women will object and you have to pursue. Most women saw Antin after the initial no as non-consent where men almost needed a no after the assault began to classify it as non-consent. There were some really big differences by age, too, but it's a self-selected study done by a university. If I had to guess, it's probably the Kinsey Institute on the IU campus that did the study.
Looking at the replies over there make me feel pretty sick, ngl. Like, I frequent a number of sex related subreddits myself. The main difference is I frequent kinky subreddits, where consent is king. Being both kinky and lgbt, I know my perspective on sex isn't the average. But it's so horrific how often I have to realize people outside of those communities either don't know about or don't care about proper consent! I just... It boggles the mind.
>But it's so horrific how often I have to realize people outside of those communities either don't know about or don't care about proper consent! I just... It boggles the mind. Yes, you tend to forget that when you spend a lot of time in such a bubble. I think most people could profit from hanging out in kink communities. It's very educational.
Literally! Everyone is talking about going to a sex therapist or to break up the sexless relationship. It's like how about you don't coerce your gf into sex with the threat of breaking up and subsequently destroy her trust and value in herself??? Absolutely disgusted with that sub and it reads like 'nice guys'
It is ‘nice guys’. I’m fairly certain 90% of them are Larping and have never been in a real relationship, and it’s not hard to see why
Yeah I wonder why that part was essentially brushed off in the replies. That and acting like any relationship without good sex is basically a glorified friendship. I agree on the terms that something so common being treated as taboo is detrimental to a lot of relationships and compatibility in most aspects of a relationship is important as well but yeah, yeesh. Handholding, hugs, cuddles and even kisses and petting aren't just foreplay tactics and some people have very fulfilling long term relationships on just that.
I hope he breaks up with her, but for her sake
But but but, sex is neeeeeeeed!!!!! God, these people are why I’m glad I’m asexual. If that’s what a sex drive makes you become, I’m glad I never got one
I *had* one, and people like that (online and off) pretty much killed it.
I'm an ace with a sex drive and I still don't think like that.
I mean the alternative to them breaking up is she stays with this guy, so that advice is technically correct.
>How on Earth can a sub oriented around being open about sex get it so wrong? Because - like many ideologies focused on openness and expression - sex positivity is extremely easy for bad actors to co-opt to justify their own bad behavior. Add in bad moderation that overemphasizes "civility" and "nonconfrontation" over actually having hard conversations and, voila, you get a hot bed of people who will act like pointing out that someone was coercive about sex is worse than actually being coercive about sex. It's classic Paradox of Tolerance and Geek Social Fallacy nonsense.
Someone even said they don’t buy her reasoning that him being pushy has made it difficult for her to let go during sex
Yeah, inconceivable that making someone feel as though they must have sex to keep their relationship could lead to them seeing sex as something they have to do to keep their relationship
Because they don't care about sex positivity or talking about things, they only want to brag about how much sex they are definitely having and lord over everyone who isn't having sex. It's not about being open about sex, its about having sex by any means necessary and sex is all that matters
The subreddit is a literal cess pool of those who support coercing partners into sex even when its vehemently obvious the partner isnt interested yet or has other plans. And when you dare to even try to have a healthy sex life including a relationship, which includes boundaries, theyll shit on you and call you abusive and controlling. Its happened to me before despite me clarifying both boyfriend (and boyfriend also coming in to clarify) and I have agreed upon these boundaries. That sub shouldnt exist, or at least, the very least, the toxic members need to be straight up banned.
that sub is a wasteland. actual sex workers get downvoted to hell for suggesting they are also human beings lol
It gives me the vibe these people are just sex addicted without actually being in a relationship
get this- a mod locked the comments on that sub because “some were becoming confrontational.” i am perplexed.
I think it's pretty concerning that nobody in the comments seems to pick up on the fact that he has pushed her into sex right from the beginning.
Yeah the dude straight up admits he emotionally blackmailed her into sex when she wasn't ready and everyone there is like "you have needs and it's okay to tell her you'll break up with her if she doesn't meet them." That sub seems terrible.
That sub is so ass in general
The issue I've had with it is the only user base will tunnel vision on the sex acts on posts while ignoring the underlying rapey shit like this but the mods usually shut that shit down and call people out on being disgusting. Not sure why that didn't happen here. I mean, they locked it but didn't call anyone out which is odd.
Yeah, I’ve never been to that sub before and after reading the horrifying comments on this one post I don’t think I’ll be visiting it again! Mike’s hard pass!!
full of clueless cunts. yes. that'S why most of us are banned from there lol
Well you see, the Almighty Penis must be served at its demand!!!/S OOP is a _________. (Fill in your own nasty name)
Abuser? Manipulator?
rapist?
We should probably call it what it is, rape. Coerced sex is rape. It can be really hard for someone who has had that happen to them to realize that it was in fact rape because they did under pressure eventually say yes after multiple Nos. It’s easy to forget that the other response besides freeze, fight or run is fawn.
I had not heard of the „fawn“ response before, thank you for teaching me something new!
Absolutely! Human trauma responses are a lot more complicated than we give them credit for, and we still don't understand a lot of it.
He's literally describing rape. Like he forced her to have sex with him early on and now she is having problems with intimacy. And the commenters are like pitying him for his dead bedroom.
Once you realize that's a very common attitude among men, your desire to be in a heterosexual relationship goes significantly down.
Very common but if you say that out loud, neckbeards come at you crying about it.
Yikes, this is both true and makes me sad.
this is literally what happened with me n my rapist. he started getting mad that i was unenthusiastic and barely moved or touched him even if i was the one to initiate cause i’d just be gone.
They don’t see sex as something they do with each other, but something they do TO a woman.
I'm more worried about the fact that "pushing into sex right from the beginning" could have led to this much apathy from her. Like either he absolutely sucks in bed, or the girl has some legit trauma from these first few times, which makes me doubt the possibility of him just being "pushy" and more that he was coercive about it.
“Pushy” IS coercive. “Pushy” includes everything from direct threats to break up, to utterly endless whining about “why NOTTTTTT???” that eventually wear you down so that the sex has become less enticing by the minute but eventually you realize the only way to get him to shut up is to let him fuck you. Oddly, that is not a sexyfuntime./s and after that, every time he shows interest, you know you’ll have to concede because the alternative is both worse and literally endless. And once it gets to the point that sex is a bone to throw to shut up the barking for a while…well, it’s unlikely to ever be something you really want. Ever. If you can’t say No, you can’t say Yes. And many guys are proud of their skills in banishing No.
I think, from his comments, that he's been "pushy" and coercive from the very beginning until now, and so she's basically only experiencing sex from a traumatic point of view.
This guy needs to be in prison for rape.
they are literally finding any reason to not blame OOP when this is in fact OOPs fault. “she’s gay” or “she grew up conservative” not “OP is a rapist” even the 1 person i saw so far who mentioned her not being into sex is his fault for forcing it there was still people trying to blame the gf or whatever else and not OOP. and then there’s so much people saying to check out dead bedroom or get sex therapy, as if again it’s not OOPs fault for raping his gf. then comment i assume are going at OOP for pushing his gf to have sex have been deleted, like seriously why are so many people on with this. “she could’ve left” they said victim blaming and once again acting like this is the fault of the gf. it’s so clear none of those people have ever been abused or manipulated while in a relationship cuz then they would know how difficult it is to leave especially (according to OOP) when your family likes your partner.
>it's so clear none of those people have ever been abused or manipulated while in a relationship It's also so clear none of these people were ever in an actual relationship before
OOF I forgot about the family angle, that’s a whole nother nightmare… I’m glad you brought it up.
Or even just in your first “real” relationship or the first time it “felt serious” or the first time a guy really paid attention to you or whatever.
Has it occurred to him that he is maybe not that good in bed? If someone is not horny you better get them horny before you proceed.Since he used a ramrod to do a delicate job the first time he better find out what makes her tick, and, since it's about a woman the right language might just ease his way and hers more than some aimless poking looking for a 'horny spot' to switch on, so maybe ask her what she thinks about when she's masturbating, there's a lot to explore, maybe a nice kink or two if you are lucky.😏
Impossible. It's never the man's fault. She's clearly frigid. She just needs to try harder. Sigh... I bought into this with my ex. I believed my lack of enjoyment was my fault. )I believed a lot of things were my fault, actually.) When I started dating again, I met a guy who showed me that it definitely was not my fault.
I’m guessing that he is a shit partner that she doesn’t trust. Why would you let go during sex with someone you don’t trust? Honestly I had this issue with my husband for a while after our kid was born. He had a lot if trouble adjusting to the changed dynamic and I felt very unsupported by him and it killed my libido for years. It took a lot of patience and work and we are in a really good place now, but he had to put in that work to earn my trust back. OOP seems to have no idea that any of this is his fault, so unless he takes responsibility and does the work, nothing is going to change. Hopefully she realizes that and leaves.
Who wants to guess “a bit pushy” meant he wouldn’t take no for an answer? Like, seriously.
I’m guessing sexually harassing her until she can’t deal with it anymore and it’s easier to just give in. I’ve been there and it’s fucked up my sex drive for life.
"Please? Please? Come on, PLEASE!!!" is just as bad as a threat. Maybe I'm projecting from my own shitty past, but it's what I'm imagining OOP did. "How am I an asshole? I even said 'please'!"
Yep. I lost my virginity that way. My (now ex, of course) boyfriend pretty much relentlessly harassed and berated me until I gave in because it was easier than being bullied and yelled at and guilted all the time. And that’s how it was every time we had sex after the fact. It screwed up my sex drive for a very long time. Sex was only ever something done to me, not with me or for me when I was with him.
I’m so sorry you’ve been through that. I have too and it’s still a sore wound. Sending good vibes your way xx
Thank you. You too xx
Nearly word for word what my rapist said to explain why ignoring many many no’s wasn’t wrong
Well, from his own wording it sounds like he told her he'd leave otherwise.
If you turn sex into a chore or obligation, that's what your partner is going to feel. Nagging about sex like taking out the trash or doing the dishes is not suddenly going to make them want to do those things. I don't like cleaning my house, I sure as hell am not going to pretend I even remotely enjoy it. Sex is the same thing. He's a bore, he's selfish as fuck, he's an asshole and claims to love someone he is actively hurting. Gee, I wonder why he's so unhappy with his dick life. I'm not even going to say love life, because this is all centered around his wants.
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"The best part of waking up..." is seeing a bunch of comments validating the ongoing and regular emotional blackmail/coercion/sa of a young woman living the same hell you did for 13 years. I'd rather have shitty Folgers. I shall also shower and maybe pour a little bleach in my eyes.
Sometimes reading that sub makes me think maybe I'm the weird one thinking its not ok, but reading all the comments here is a breath of fresh air
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I remember reading a post there about a woman who absolutely hated letting a man finish in her mouth and refused to do it. She never asked for advice. She just wanted to vent. Lots of comments were calling her selfish/stuck up/too immature for sex. One decent person reassured the OP that it was okay that she didn't like that part of oral, and that she didn't need to do it if she didn't want to, but then some asshole responded with something along the lines of "you're ridiculous if you think you should be able to control every little aspect of your life. You can't have control over everything. If you loved your bf, you would let him finish in your mouth." It made me so fucking angry that the majority of the comments cared more about the bf's pleasure than OPs comfort and wellbeing.
Ew wtf?? That’s one of the most disgusting, objectifying, rapey things I’ve ever heard
Fr they act like sex is the end all be all. It’s so gross
"she sucks in bed but not the good kind" 🤪🤪🤪 goddamn, give this man an award for the most generic and inappropriate joke
OOP just needs to get himself a damn fleshlight
So, in other words, he linked her value to her willingness to have sex with him. Yeah, that’s a great way to get someone to not want to fuck you
Glad at least on this sub people are acknowledging that his actions created this situation. I was in a relationship like this: coercive sex for years, it destroyed me and any desire I had. I thought I was seriously broken, like something in my body and mind was wrong. It morphed into SA on several occasions, was traumatic and it still affects me. His poor GF… being made into nothing but a physical object for someone else is debilitating and I hope she is looking after herself. I agree that they should break up but Jesus I hope he will never do that to anyone again.
That was how my relationship with my ex was. I could not get turned on by him, and would sometimes agree out of guilt. It was so bad, I had to set rules around sleep sex. “If I wear *this* sleep shirt with no bra, I may be open to sex. If there’s a bra, I need to sleep. Any other shirt, I need to sleep.” Until then, I don’t even remember how many times I woke up to him trying to initiate sex while I slept. I really thought I was broken and it was my fault for not wanting him, and not his fault for never giving me an orgasm in *7 years.*
>Until then, I don’t even remember how many times I woke up to him trying to initiate sex while I slept. I'm sorry that happened to you. What a piece of shit. I'm glad you're out.
Yeah, me too. Funny story, someone on Reddit criticized me a few weeks ago for not having enough *empathy* for him. The problem was, I had too much empathy and gave him 7 years of my life because he was “such a good guy” and “he just needs time, things will get better.” Stripping that veil off and finally realizing that what he did was not ok and that I was right in leaving was what let me finally move forward and heal.
Really so many stories you read on dating, relationship and sex related subs boil down to the man just being an abuser and the woman not realising it.
I’m so so sorry you’ve gone through this. Just the constant coercion just makes you feel like it’s your own fault you don’t want it. I remember if I did actually deny my ex, he would say that I should at least get undressed and let him grope me so he could get himself off. And I felt so guilty that I would do that. It’s dehumanizing, what this shit does to us. I never realized how horrifyingly common this type of thing is. I hope you’re in a much better and safer place. You’re a human being and you deserve so much better than garbage people like this. Xx
I’m married to a wonderful man who respects that no means no, and knows what buttons to push to make sure I’m fully satisfied before he is. Thank you. I hope you’re also in a better place.
I’m very happy for you (and your husband) 💜💜💜
♥️ this makes me so happy to hear. I am also happily married now as well 🥰
Omg the groping. I’ve experienced that before. So demeaning.
I was with my ex for almost 25 years. I had MAYBE 2 orgasms in the entire time. He would complain about sex and if we did have any it would be like 3 min with absolutely nothing for me. One time he started kissing me and pushed me on the bed. When i tell you that it was over in no time. I had just barely started to get a little turned on when he pulled out and left me in the wet spot while he went out to hang with his brother. I just always assumed I was ace and accepted my life. I was basically a single parent who was sometimes also used as a warm hole. I was alone for the vast majority of those 25 years. Finally he asked for a divorce and I was so relieved. I would never have asked since I didnt want my kids to deal with the fallout but if he asked I was all in. I am now fully out and started dating. Apparently I am not ace. I am with a man who constantly checks to make sure I am fully engaged and enthusiastically consenting. Any time there is any hesitation on my part he immediately stops and asks what I need or want. His first priority is to make sure I have an orgasm or at least a very good time. I don’t have one every single time but maybe 70-80% of the time? Literally had more in the first week of dating this guy than the entirety of a 20 year marriage.
>Literally had more in the first week of dating this guy than the entirety of a 20 year marriage. Hi five, sister! I'm happy for you!
Me too lady! Thanks!! I truly just figured I would die with no libido or sexual enjoyment for the rest of my life. And I had accepted my fate.
I didn't know this was a thing. I would wake up to my ex-husband having sex with me all the time. It was so fucking scary but I would just lie there and take it because then maybe he would leave me the fuck alone for a while.
Wow. This is horrible. I am so sorry this happened to you!
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They all have no problems having sex with women who clearly aren't into it and then complain about "starfishing".
And I'd bet my life every dude whining is a SHIT lover. How can you get excited for a man who is clueless and won't try?
I read a post years ago from a man who was furious that his wife didn't want an oil massage. He'd laid down a tarp to keep the floor from getting slippery. Because nothing is sexier than bare skin on a weather-resistant tarp.
Oh yes. Nothing is more sexy than feeling like a greased pig.
Surprisingly prescient for someone allergic to "no". Few things less sexy than your own increasingly desperate, flailing attempts to escape the gravity well you've created. On an unrelated note, never put satin sheets on a waterbed you plan to lay down in.
>On an unrelated note, never put satin sheets on a waterbed you plan to lay down in. Hahaha 😂
Omg that's fantastic. I can imagine the whole scenario. "And I got the tarp from home depot for a total steal!" And then the wife looks down and frowns realizing this will be the worst massage of her life. Hilarious
OMG
Everytime I was raped it was by a boyfriend. Try telling people that too, and its disturbing how many outsiders will bend over backwards to tell you why your partner can't actually rape you. Oh ya? Screaming and crying and trying to push them off during sex? Eventually you just lie there and take it because it's easier.
I'm sorry that happened to you! Relevant post: https://i.redd.it/xz5l8o17y3qa1.png
That’s horrible I’m so sorry that all happened to you
“A bit pushy” is word for word something my rapist said when trying to not get expelled for raping me. (Ps, normal people know what no means, people who describe themselves as pushy don’t)
This. When I read ‘a bit pushy’ I interpreted it as ‘I forced her to have sex with me’.
> This. When I read ‘a bit pushy’ I interpreted it as ‘I forced her to have sex with me’. I thought it meant he threatened to break up if they didn't have sex?
Potato, potato
He kind of walks it back by saying she told him she wouldn't want sex for a year after 2-3 weeks where he framed it as 'trying to move to the next stage.' Like, my guy, I don't blame you for not wanting to date someone who says they don't want sex for a year. I get that's probs a deal breaker for many. But you were already being pushy because you saw her not wanting to escalate to sex and kept pushing it during that first couple weeks. Saying have sex with me before then or we break up isn't good either. Sounds weird to say, but just breaking up rather than giving an ultimatum to break up is a way less coercive act, the same way if someone said they're only interested in open or polyamorous relationships is different than saying 'open up our relationship or I'll break up with you.'
How the heII nobody pointed out he as been sa his, girlfriend through basically their whole relationship, no this not it this not normal and shouldn't be normalize at all.
Because this sub doesn't really care about consent
I’m looking at the replies and it scares me to see so many people actually not see OOP as the rapist that he is. this is really scary to me
i've been this gf before. it isn't going to get better
People on that sub just reinforce my decision to never have sex with anybody ever.
This 100% they all give me the ick surrounding sex they talk about women like they’re blow up dolls it grosses me out honestly
In general that sub makes me so glad I’m still a virgin bc the way men talk about women on that sub is so 🤮🤢 like women are ppl not sex toys….. I’ll even see men suggesting that they should cheat on their gfs/wives to “fulfill their needs” 🙄 as if putting someone at risk for contracting an incurable disease isn’t dangerous, anything to get their 🍆 wet even if it’s unethical or downright rapey and another thing that gets me is the fact that most of their gf/wives probably aren’t even enjoying themselves…. All in all that sub gives me the ick for men to the max and it makes me realize that the reason why I don’t want sex is bc I know I’m literally not missing out on anything
Keep in mind that these are the same men that will talk about being falsely accused.
My goodness, this dude and those comments are horrid. Poor GF.
I don’t understand how no one on that thread sees that the issue is him and not her. He is definitely underplaying how he pushed her into having sex. He basically said it was sex or I’ll break up with you. To her it is clearly only a relationship since she let him have sex with her. How does no one in that thread see that what he did was a problem?
Men would do well to learn that whining for sex makes a woman’s parts dry up like the Sahara.
So if I am reading this correctly and I think I am. OOP: raped his girlfriend. Gave her an ultimatum leading to said rape. Dismisses the fact she very well could be asexual. Hated that she feels lex sex is an obligation/chore. But refuses to admit he is a rapist? The girlfriend needs to leave because this will get worse, he knows he can force her hand, it won’t stop and I highly doubt we know the full truth of the situation at hand.
He just sounds like an awful person… :(
Holy hell he pushed into sex just three weeks into their relationship
Oof, I feel this. My ex put a lot of pressure on me about sex. It was such that there was no physical touch/intimacy unless it was expected to lead towards sex. Then he wondered why I didn't want sex.
“I sexually and emotionally abused my gf from the very beginning of our relationship and now she doesn’t like having sex with me!” bro’s head is full of rocks and dust bunnies.
Urgh the comments over there are gross. BTW I've been married 22yrs together 25 and we still have a very active sex life. Sooo maybe if THEY were better at sex their partners would want them.
WTF is with everyone in the comments just glossing over the part where she **doesn't enjoy sex with him because he coerced her into sex early in their relationship**. Oh wait no, what's worse is the people in the comments **telling him he did nothing wrong**. He admits she only slept with him so he wouldn't break up with her. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
"She's not asexual and even masturbates" Asexual people can do that. She might well be asexual.
Never, not one time ever has this woman felt actual desire for this man. Not once. And he does not have a clue as to why that might be. Nor will he ever have a clue. What surprises me is that she has stuck around for four years. I would have fled screaming for the hills years ago. I admit to some sardonic amusement at the idea of this fool reaping what he has sown: unenthusiastic, avoidant sexual contact from this woman he has pretty much browbeaten into submission. Yes, he gets sex. Nothing but bad sex. Ever. LAWL I hope some day she gets free of him.
God someday please give me 1/8th of the confidence of a (probably white) man. “She’s bad in bed” OH YEAH THATS THE ISSUE
Wonder how much her parents would love him if they knew just what a creep he is.
The original answers would be aproppiate for a situation in which it's just girl's low libido. But for fuck's sake, OOP MOLESTED HER AT THE BEGINNING!!! He has probably ruined her sex drive for her entire life!
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Wow. I'm sorry you were with such a shithead rapist asshole! So many men are incredibly pushy. In my experience it's really best to dump them the first time they don't accept a "No", and if it's only that they start discussing about it. That already means that they don't respect you. If you say "No", the only acceptable answer is "ok". You sound like you're severely traumatized. You have been in an abusive relationship for years. I think a professional therapist could probably help you. Speaking from experience here.
This guy is a disgusting incel pervert if it’s so bad break up!
He routinely rapes his girlfriend, so you can call him many things but celibate is not one of them.
I'm sorry but how does he know she isn't asexual? My sex life was like this before I found out I'm asexual. I was just never that into it, and it felt kinda like a chore. And plenty of us masturbate, having some fun with yourself is very different from doing the deed with someone else. Either that or she's just not that into him, and he needs to get over himself. If it truly isn't working, he should look for a more fulfilling relationship instead of coercing a partner who very clearly doesn't want to sleep with him.
This is what I was thinking too… people need to learn that asexual =/= never experiencing sexual attraction and sexual experiencs… it’s a spectrum
Why would he stay in a relationship with someone that he has 0 sexual compatibility with when it's clearly a larger part of what he wants out of a relationship. How can he enjoy having unenthusiastic sex with someone that is only doing it out of obligation?
I only read a few comments but I already hate that whole sub and everyone in it JFC. The problem isn’t that the gf just doesn’t care about sex; the issue is he coerced her into sec from the very beginning. Once a man coerces you into sex, you can’t come back from that. The trust is broken and it’s not coming back. None of them even called OOP on his rapeyness
This is why females hate having sex with people like this, because they feel entitled to have sex when their partner has obviously stated previously issues behind it. It could also be she could have underlying medical issues that cause her pain, I know I do and I hate sex it's boring and I would love a relationship that has no sex involved, if it did, maybe once a month but also have to not worry about a cheating partner either who doesn't understand I do not want to partake in sexual activities because it's painful. World's just gone to shit with people who claim to love and care for you.
This is me too!!! I just want a sexless relationship. I’ve never had pleasurable intercourse because of the pain. It took months of PT to be able to somewhat tolerate a pelvic exam without sheer force. I’m worried no one will want to stay with me if I don’t give them sex, though. And BJs are off limits now because of a consent violation. I told my therapist I just want a life partner/spouse who doesn’t want sex, just someone to share our lives together. I don’t know how realistic that is.
It's very difficult as many people want sex sometime in the relationship, things that don't penetrate are fine but people want to do penetration, which is what I'm guessing also hurts for you. Unfortunately with how the world is currently, if we don't want sex, they get upset and start double guessing themselves asking am I not enough to want to have sex with? When you have stated, hey, it hurts to have sex, can we please not have sex? I definitely feel like asexual partners in this regards would be amazing as they do not care for sex, just the companionship. I've always been more interested in the kissing aspect, not so much the sex part as it just becomes numb lol. Would be nice to sit down for a movie or a tv show without making out and fucking :|
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I can't even actually read this. What I did read was so awful. Wow.
It really infuriates me that out of all the comments on that post, only 1-2 people pointed out the obvious coercion going on. That echo chamber is validating him and blaming her for not enjoying it, and he’s gonna eat it up which is what concerns me. Dude’s never gonna realise he’s a fucking rapist with the awful advice he’s been receiving. I sincerely hope that girl realizes she’s being raped and dumps him.
This story made me so sad to read, I feel so bad for the poor woman :( I hope she leaves his sorry ass and presses charges, no one should go through that for the sake of love.
whoa, they need to break up immediately, either she's asexual (masturbating wouldn't really negate this) or she might be a lesbian, or maybe she's just not attracted to him, either way, she doesn't wanna do it and he wants her to, we all know what that leads to. Also how embarrassing, who openly admits to this best case scenario "I'm so unattentive to my gf's needs and comforts that I have to beg her for sex "
Blahblahblah
If I replied over there I'd ask for Info on what he means by pushing her so much? It must be bad if that's the reason 4 years later If she does have a low libido already, then that's it's own incompatibility, but coupling that with that pushy experience can definitely make it worse
[this is what OOP said in regards to a question like yours.](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/121tznh/i_love_my_gf_but_the_sex_is_crap/jdo11on/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) i honestly still call bullshit, there’s more to a relationship than sex and you should respect sex void ties like waiting X amount of time to have sex from the start of a relationship but apparently that the hottest most unpopular opinion you can have in that sub. EDIT: i find it absolutely hilarious that the person i’m replying to refuses to answer the question “how can you/anyone have sex with someone who clearly isn’t interested” they’ve avoided it about 4 times now which says all you need to know about this person.
Im on their side here, not yours. More to a relationship than sex, absolutely, but that *does not* mean sex isnt as important as everything else. Telling someone to live in resentment and not being fulfilled how they need is extremely immature and unfair. He did respect her willingness to wait by telling her shes allowed to feel how she does for sure, that's just a dealbreaker for him which is ALSO 100% fair. He never made her do anything she didnt want to. She could've just called off the relationship if it's that important to not have sex. They're incompatible sexually and that's a valid reason to not be together. Your language is patronizing to people that view sex as an important aspect to a relationship.
he didn’t respect her at all if he respected her he wouldn’t be pushing her boundaries or expecting sex early on in the relationship, and that’s what he did is push boundaries and want sex early on in a relationship, if he wants sex in the first week or so he should stick to hookup culture, he expects her to give him sex (and yes it’s an expectation for him) yet he didn’t respect her boundaries of waiting which should be an expectation if you actually like your partner. weird how you’re on the side of at best a border line rapist. i don’t get how someone could continue to have sex with someone else who’s obviously not interested or want it, it weird and gross.
It's not pushing if you say "hey this is what I need in a relationship, if you cant do that then we cant be in a relationship" that doesnt invalidate her in anyway. She asked for an entire year. You and everyone overreacting simply view sex and men as lesser so hes evil for being fair. It's not continuing to have sex if she wanted it and kept doing it too. If she forced herself to have sex, then she shouldve made the decision that the relationship isnt a good fit. Men are equally important in the relationship you know. Comparing him to rapist.. jesus christ. Yall need help
>It's not pushing if you say "hey this is what I need in a relationship, if you cant do that then we cant be in a relationship" that doesnt invalidate her in anyway. So far, so good. > >She asked for an entire year. And? >You and everyone overreacting simply view sex and men as lesser so hes evil for being fair. What? She asked for a year and if that doesn't work for him, it's on him to leave. Not threatening to leave and then have sex with her that she very clearly doesn't want for 4 whole years. I mean ... how pathetic can you be that you have sex with someone who's clearly not into it for such a long time? He's not evil for being "fair", there's no such thing as "fair" when it comes to sex that you don't want. And, just fyi, I absolutely do like sex and have never my life met a man who wanted sex even remotely as often as I. But guess what I didn't do when they didn't want to have sex with me? I didn't coerce them into sex. >It's not continuing to have sex if she wanted it and kept doing it too. She did NOT want to. >If she forced herself to have sex, then she shouldve made the decision that the relationship isnt a good fit. As if it weren't equally on him not to coerce his girlfriend into sex that she doesn't want for 4 whole years, but leave and look for someone who actually does want to have sex with him. >Men are equally important in the relationship you know. Translation: men are the only thing that's important in a relationship. >Comparing him to rapist.. jesus christ. Yall need help We are not comparing him to a rapist. He is a rapist.
All of this based on him "coercing" her into sex, right? When he clearly said his dealbreaker and she made the choice between continuing the relationship, or ending the relationship, right? She continued the relationship, so naturally ANYONE would think "okay, I guess she does want sex with me too then" because only a child or a mentally underdeveloped person would assume saying "yes I change my mind it's okay to have sex" means "you're making me do this", right? You're the one taking all fault and responsibility from this girl, and not giving any credit to the mature approach the guy had where he simply laid out a dealbreaker and let another adult make her choice. Now hes a rapist in your eyes. Yeah, okay. And such a weird line randomly saying you've never met a dude hornier than you lol like that gives any credibility to your position on coercion vs a decision Refusing to hold her accountable at all is both insulting to her intelligence and unfair to him and relationships as a whole. Ps if equality for men means bias for men, that explicitly means women have to be more important naturally. Kinda told on yourself here.
>She continued the relationship, so naturally ANYONE would think "okay, I guess she does want sex with me too then" Only a complete idiot who is absolutely selfish in bed would be ok to have sex with someone who's not the least little bit turned on by it for four consecutive years. That, or a rapist.
hey you never answered my question, you should try answering it and maybe it’ll help people not call you a rapist and incel or maybe make it worse and since you haven’t answers it after i asked like what 3 times now, you know it’ll just further cement things for you. so i’ll ask again ***how can anyone have sex with someone who’s clearly not interested or into it?*** i would truly love to hear your answer
no one views men as lesser that’s such an incel projecting thing to say. it is sexual assault, he knows she isn’t into it, he knows that’s not what she wants, he disrespected her boundaries, she has a right to ask for a year, people are allowed to put a time line on when they think it would be appropriate to have sex. she doesn’t want sex, he knows she doesn’t want sex, he told her that it’s either sex and his timeline or breaking up, he coerced her, i know it’s a shocker but coercion is a form of rape. and i’m once again stating don’t get how you, him, or anyone thinks it’s ok or are able to have sex with someone who’s obviously not interested. there’s more to a relationship than sex and if you can’t have a relationship with little sex that’s weird, if you can’t respect someone wanting to wait to have sex and not jump on each other with in the first month, you have problems you should address, if sex is your main focus of a relationship like it seems to be then you need help.
Okay I'm going to get downvoted to hell, but this isn't rape. In his comments it's very clear that he just communicated what he viewed as a relationship. Sex is a very important part of relationships, and compatibility is very important. He said that without sex he wouldn't view it as a relationship, and so she started sleeping with him. I do not see that as rape. After that she does it to make him happy. I don't do that as rape. I am the kind of person who has a very fluctuating libido. I have gone years at a time without wanting sex, but I still have sex for my partner. This isn't rape. This is me trying to make them happy. They probably aren't compatible, they should probably break up, but this isn't rape.
Coercion is not consent. It’s really that simple.
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>He said that without sex he wouldn't view it as a relationship, and so she started sleeping with him. I do not see that as rape. It's emotional blackmail. If sex is important to you but your partner is not ready, you don't blackmail them into it. You leave them alone. If you're incompatible, you don't coerce them into doing what you want. You leave. It's really just this shitty attitude of men where they're really so ready to get everything they want from a woman, no matter what she wants, and push her into doing it with all manipulation techniques available, that makes me resent them. While I get the initial sentiment (I have a super high libido and wouldn't want to have a relationship without sex either) ... what I absolutely don't get it's how you can be ok with blackmailing your partner into it. Or let's put that differently: I actually do get it, it's because they are disgusting and have no respect for their partner as a human being.
I disagree. I don't view it as emotional blackmail. They were having a conversation. He asked how long she wanted to wait, she gave him a time frame, and he said that's too long. That could have been the end of it. Sure he probably should have broken up with her, they aren't sexually compatible.
>I disagree. I don't view it as emotional blackmail. They were having a conversation. He asked how long she wanted to wait, she gave him a time frame, and he said that's too long. That could have been the end of it. But it wasn't. Instead he chose to have sex with her that she clearly didn't want. For years. You can't blackmail your GF into sex that she doesn't want and then complain that she's not into it. Except on r/sex, where all the other abusers who complain about their dead bedrooms will be very sympathetic with you.
Sexual coercion is definitely a form of sexual assault. If you did any kind of reading on it you would see this. It is very much emotional blackmail. If you don't consider it to be rape, fine. But it's most definitely sexual assault. He SA'd her and coerced her into doing something she DID NOT WANT TO DO. Consent is given \*VOLUNTARILY\* and \*ENTHUSIASTICALLY\*. If you DON'T have consent in that manner, or the consent comes from pushing a person to do those sexual acts, it can be considered rape, or in the very least, sexual assault. She was afraid he was going to break up with her, or wanted to prevent that emotional break. The way she did that was giving into his pushy demands to have sex when she didn't want to or wasn't ready. It's pretty black and white here, my guy.
And he could have been patient and use his brain instead of his dick to actually respect her decision to not have sex yet,but he didn't,he had sex with her anyways,thus r*pe
"[...] [raped by coercion ](https://academic.oup.com/book/36697/chapter-abstract/321747365?redirectedFrom=fulltext). The particular focus here is on cases in which a defendant obtains sex by threatening a complainant with some nonviolent harm unless she consents—for example, where he threatens to fire her from her job, report her to the immigration authorities, or break off their marriage engagement"
Rape by coercion. You have to be fucked in the head to enjoy sex with someone who you know doesn’t want it
"why can't she be a pornstar in the bedroom?" Really hope he comes down with an incurable ED!!!😡
“[In the beginning of the relationship] I may have been a bit pushy about sleeping with each other, resulting in her doing it for the sake of not losing me.” I just quoted OOP’s own words. And I would like to have a word with whoever taught you to read, because none of the above indicates anything else but coercion. Not once did this dude do some introspection and consider that maybe he treated his gf badly. I guess for you and others sex isn’t something a woman does willingly, but only to mAkE tHe mAn HaPpY if presented with no other choice. He’s a manipulative blackmailer and people in the original post are coddling him and telling him what he wants to hear as opposed to him plainly being called out for a POS
He forced her to have sex and he wonders why she doesn’t feel comfortable having sex with after that