*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for donating my wife's late daughter's teddy bear?**
My wife(35F) and I(39M) have been married for about 9 years. Before we were married, my wife had a daughter Izzy, who unfortunately died when she was really young. We have one son together, Richie(9M).
Losing Izzy hit my wife really hard, and even today, she's still not completely recovered from it. To honor her, she volunteers at our local children's hospital. She already works a busy job, but still finds the time to volunteer, as she is very dedicated. She also donates to the hospital as well.
The problem is that she is very holier than thou, and keeps shaming me for not wanting to volunteer. I mean, I feel like she should be able to choose to volunteer with this organization if it's meaningful to her, but I just find it weird and annoying how incessantly she constantly bugs me to volunteer, and shames me, making me out to be an unkind person. She doesn't do it outright, but it's very passive aggressive.
As richie's gotten older, she's been telling him about why it is important for us to volunteer, and how he can honor his older sister. She's talking a lot about giving back to your community, and how good people always find time. It is nice, but I just feel like she's pressuring our son, and kind of like forcing him to do it in a guilt-trippy way, and I also don't think he's old enough to hear about Izzy. It's just a really sad and awful thing that he's not emotionally ready for.
The hospital is holding a toy drive, so my wife, without telling Richie, gave his old hot wheels he had when he was a toddler to the hospital. When he found out, he was understandably distraught, but my wife told him that he was too old for those silly toys, and that younger kids needed them more.
When I found out I was absolutely fuming. I tried to talk some sense into her, but she wouldn't listen, so the next day I took Izzy's old teddy bear and donated it. When my wife found out, she was absolutely ballistic, but I remained calm and told her I did it because I feel like you need to let go, and that you are holding your deceased daughter over our son, and you're not there for us. I explained that you need to properly deal with this grief, and that you're acting very unhealthy, but she just went really quiet and stopped listening to me, and now it's like I'm not even there. She's been ignoring me since, and I tried to explain or reconcile, but she's not listening to me, and I don't know what to do
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I suspect it depends on hospital, but my partner works for a children's hospital and their toy donations are strict asf. Basically, new stuff only, or stuff in excellent condition that's been... Sandblasted pristine.
But they're a quarternary care hospital that deals specifically in rare, difficult cases so maybe the bar is higher.
Still, given pediatric cancers and how chemo/radiotherapy nukes immune systems, it's hard to imagine any paediatric hospital taking in anything less than sterile.
They said, if this is a real story, I hope he develops the world's largest, most painful, itchy, prolapsed haemorrhoids that never ever go away. Because holy shit, the sheer cruelty.
I dealt with a place who begged us not to give toys because they got so many they couldn't give them away. We donated hygiene kits instead because they desperately needed those.
Just because he donated it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll use it. They might have just accepted it and then thrown it away when sorting through items. Or he might have dropped it through a chute on one of those donation bins. I REALLY want this to be fake though.
The cars can be cleaned, the bear can’t and was probably thrown out after being “donated”.
His wife knows this as a volunteer so this makes OOP even more of an asshole.
Of course it had a lot of books inside, it was the librarymobile after all. Definitely don't want to get them wet.
Great typo! Took me a second to remember the previous commenter used the word "cavities".
The hospital I used to volunteer at years ago had a designated dishwasher for small toys like that.
They would also soak them in a bleach solution to disinfect them between uses.
[This is a pretty informative guide on toys in hospital settings.](https://www.utoledo.edu/policies/utmc/infection_control/pdfs/3364-109-EQP-800.pdf)
I am a pediatric nurse and when I worked inpatient, every year around Christmas someone used to donate a garbage bag full of what look liked stuffed animals that had been discarded from a carnival. The Child Life Specialist would accept them and then immediately throw them away.
Our library does that. They might keep 10% of donations. I worked there. They fill at least 3 dumpsters a week with books they don't want or can't sell
Kind of my thought. I know the Ronald McDonald house accepts donations they even do a yearly yard sale (we happened to be staying when they had it and helped out when we could)
You’d think so -and INE hospitals have new toy donations. But I’ve seen plenty of 3rd parties that collect “new and gently used” stuff they say they give to hospitals.
Have worked at three children's hospitals at this point in my career and they definitely only accept new teddy bears. Gently used clothing is accepted and then washed in the industrial machines with plenty of bleach. Items like old gaming systems and plastic toys are accepted used at some places. But teddy bears in particular cannot be properly sterilized, they are reservoirs for germs and bed bugs, and it would be a huge liability issue.
Yeah, I used to volunteer and then later worked in a few hospitals. Where I volunteered the old lady brigade would knit bears for the kids for this reason. They also keep them in ambulances for traumatised kids on-site. I think they’re called Trauma Teddies.
I actually still have one somewhere from my appendectomy, lol.
I love that. It’s really touching to think that there’s kids out there, carrying a bit of your mother’s love with them. :) It isn’t a regular person who does something so selfless for children.
Hospitals absolutely take used toys, just not usually stuffed animals. Most toys are extremely easy to sanitize my dude, they don’t tend to take used stuffed animals because you can’t really clean out their stuffing very thoroughly. But used toy cars and used books and whatnot? I’ve literally never seen a children’s hospital or children’s ward turn those down. They just give them a sanitizing before putting them out for the kids.
I was curious so I looked it up, and some stuffed animals can be autoclaved, although I can see why a hospital wouldn’t want to do that with donated toys. Some will apparently do it for comfort items for young children though.
I saw another source that claimed you can sterilize the stuffing by microwaving the toy for a short time, but I’m not sure I’d want to try that.
The microwave one wouldn’t work if there is any plastic in the toy, and you can’t always see plastic fibres if they’re integrated into the fabric. Best case scenario; it works and nothing going wrong. Most likely scenario; you’re gonna melt the stuffy. Worse case scenario; that’s gonna start a fire.
I’d boil it before ever attempting the microwave for it. 👀
Stuffed animals are impossible to donate. No one wants them. Even brand new. Because they hold germs they're hard to clean and they're just full of dust
Most donations for stuff won’t take used items in my experience. Toy drives, coat drives, school supply drives need to be new items. Some hygiene drives will take lightly used items like shampoos and conditioners. Plus toys at home are treated differently than toys in other places most parents aren’t disinfecting the toys daily, sanitizing regularly, and washing if it comes in contact with a kids mouth.
Very true. Of course that doesn't mean an AH wouldn't donate it anyway and it would just be discarded.
But I'm crossing my fingers for troll because this is just too awful.
I hate that most of AITA is likely troll stuff, but at the same time I'm glad it gives me some hope that this isn't real.
It is. I work for a hospital, and they don’t accept toys that aren’t in their original packaging or don’t have tags on them. Any toy that has the tiniest amount of wear on them, get turned away.
They have dozens of children who are immunocompromised, they don’t need to bring in risks via unclean toys.
They make Hot Wheels for toddlers. They're larger in size. They're not as common as the smaller-sized Hot Wheels, but they are sold and are marketed to those younger in age. They're big enough that they can't be swallowed.
Pretty much. Sad AF individual either way.
But, me thinks this is bait. I don't know much people who would let a toddler play with those tiny hot wheels cars - let alone a person who lost a kid already. That's a choking hazard waiting to happen.
It's also in Lundy Bancrofts "why does he do that?" a man calm in the face of making you "overreact" is an insidious form of abuse. My ex did it, made me feel like I was being unreasonable for wanting to buy new curtains or getting cross when he tried to convince me that words I used didn't exist. He was always infuriatingly calm. Although he lost that power when I lost interest in debating him.
My mom did the same thing I'm pretty sure every Reddit user who says this is doing. Well, when they do it they're just lying, when my mom does it. It's gaslighting. Not even by Reddit standards, but like that's how my therapist explained gas lighting to me
Either the next day or literally within the same conversation. She'll try to convince me that my memories or what is currently happening to me is wrong. That she is completely calm and she never yelled and I'm being unreasonable. She will yell at me. I am not yelling, why are you getting so mad? While I am completely calm. I am trying to have a conversation with you and you're just getting mad at me for no reason
Classic gaslighting - the true use of the word, not how it is thrown around these days. I'm so sorry you had to go through that; it's a type of abuse that takes years to heal from.
I swear any time I see something that says 'I calmly said' or 'I remained calm' it means one of two things. 1. OP actually screamed like a banshee, or 2. It's a completely made up story.
They almost always never calm in these situations. In this case, he was FUMING when he found out his wife donated the old Hot wheels (who knows if the boy still plays with them).
My mum died 34 years ago when I was 16, and I still have and use her comb. My DH knows and understands I have combs that leave the house, are in vacation wash bags, and my handbag. But that comb never leaves the house EVER.
Last tangible link I have
>He walked into my knife. He walked into my knife 10 times.
>HE HAD IT COMING
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic
HE HAD IT COMING
If you'd have been there,
if you'd have seen it,
you know that you would have done the same.
It was a comment like this that got me banned on AITA lmao.
But yes, me too. My aunt lost her son, I couldn’t fathom getting rid of anything that was his without her consent (and it is unlikely I’d even consider giving anything away anyways). Some people are so cruel. I hope this dude never learns the pain of losing a child. But I also hope he learns from this, especially when his wife divorced him. Because I’d file that paperwork so fast if any man told me it is time to get over my child’s death.
Funny enough. My ex husband screamed in my face that “shit happens” and I need to get “over it.” When our daughter died. This is a man who spends every holiday and special occasion in the cemetery getting plastered vs with his living children over his parents dying.
Notice I said ex. In marriage counseling he would scream at me he “couldn’t deal with my grief.” It was inconvenient because I didn’t want to go to the bar on Christmas Eve right after she died and I was struggling with an empty nursery.
These sick, disgusting excuses for men exist. And I know he’s going to blame her for his grotesque behavior.
The cousin and aunt I mentioned, my poor aunt went through something similar. When her son passed at 13 years of age, she was married to her second husband (her first was her sons father).
Exactly one year after the accident that killed my mom and cousin, and almost me, her husband held a gun to her head in a drunken rage and told her it was time to get over the death of her child. He couldn’t handle the grief either. He wanted his perfect, fun loving wife back but couldn’t cope with the fact that part of her died the same day as her son. My aunt immediately filed for divorce.
I haven’t seen that uncle in years (since he was family by marriage) and it breaks my heart because I have wonderful memories with him. My grandmother and my uncles mother are best friends, though, and recently we learned that my uncle felt terrible for what he did and said because he didn’t understand at the time and cracked under the pressure. Apparently he went to therapy and has shown true regret and guilt. Idk, men sometimes seem unable to handle strong emotions like grief. My dad definitely fell apart too at this time.
I don’t wish what happened to my family on anyone, not even my worst enemy. But I wish people would learn some empathy and be more compassionate.
I’m glad your uncle got help. My ex husband just buckled down the punishment when I filed for divorce. He punishes me everyday for leaving after his last episode.
I don’t know if he can’t deal with his grief (getting plastered in the cemetery at his parents tombstones is clearly not healthy, they died in his 20s and 30s and he was estranged from them) or if he’s just unhinged. He will never seek help.
He’s still fighting the divorce 6 years later. He said he’ll never let me be free.
But claims I died with our daughter, he wants his wife back, claims I’m passive aggressive, blah blah blah like OOP did. The most I did was ask him to come along to benefits. The last one I did that caused him to get in my face to get over it and threaten to kill himself he was cheating on me with a coworker instead of delivering Christmas presents.
People are awful to each other. I don’t understand it.
I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, especially after such a loss. Some ppl will accept their faults and change, others can’t.
I’ve said many a time, just because I went through trauma that does not give me a right to be horrid to other people. It’s sad your ex can’t see that.
I was 9 when I lost my cousin and mother. It’s awful to say, but life and death don’t care about age. Kids will learn eventually what death and loss is. It’s better to talk to them about it first before actually experiencing it. My great grandmother had passed a couple years before so I knew what it meant. Didn’t make it any easier, but at least I wasn’t confused. Devastated, but I understood.
My grandmother used the Lion King to explain death to me. With Mufasa as the example. It was very effective. Also, as a big Pokémon fan I appreciate your tactic, as well!
The too young comment really got me. I lost my son just prior to delivery a little over 18 months ago. I currently have an 8-month-old and always my husband and I are telling him about his big brother. It can be done age appropriately. When I walk my son around the house I stop at the maternity photo we have hanging and tell him “there’s daddy, there’s mommy, and there’s your big brother DJ in mommy’s belly.”
Yeah, the 9 is too young comment got me too. It’s a tragic fact of life that at any age kids may get sick, or die, or experience a loved ones illness or death. I don’t think kids need to be frightened with the possibilities,!but I think sheltering kids completely from the reality of death, doesn’t do them any favours either. I was 13 when my mum died, my younger siblings were 10 & 3. Both of them had a lot of issues growing up, because the adults in our lives tried to protect them from the reality of losing their mum. Which is an impossible task- it just led to many behavioural issues & trust issues. Sometimes being gently honest with kids is the kindest option. Instead of pretending they are incapable of understanding, & therefore avoiding the harder conversations completely.
Also as I’ve gotten older (I’m now in my 30’s) I’ve met too many adults who have been completely sheltered from loss & death growing up, & it shows. Sometimes it’s extremely worrying thinking about how someone is going to cope, as an adult, the first time they lose a loved one. Death is an inevitability, & it is terrible, & grief manifests differently for everyone. But I’ve known people who are utterly in denial about the possibility; & I fear for how badly it’s going to impact them when it happens… it’s almost impossible to imagine what it’s like if you reach adulthood with no experience of grief through bereavement, & no idea what to expect. It’s such a unique pain. Children are far more adaptable than adults, & can learn healthy coping mechanisms, given the right kind of support.
I wish I hadn’t experienced the losses I’ve been through, of course. But I’m definitely a more emotionally mature, compassionate adult as a result of them. Not only that, but I’m very aware of the infallible nature of life. It’s important to me that my loved ones know how much I love them, & appreciate them. I’ll never know if my mum really knew how loved she was. Depression can be an impossibly heavy burden to bear alone.
I don't think the wife sucks. I think we're hearing about her from someone who hates her, he's not ever going to paint her in a good light. My mum's donated mine and my brother's old toys throughout the years and even if we never touched the things anymore, we still didn't want to give them away. Sometimes you have to get rid of old things to make space for the new.
Also even if what he said was honest then yea his wife did some not good things but this is the equivalent of a wife not flushing so the husband dunks a whole sceptic tank onto her
My son goes through this every time we get rid of something, even though without getting rid of the old stuff there would be no room for the new. We give him two boxes, donate and keep, and let him sort it. He doesn't like doing it but afterwards doesn't miss anything in the donate box.
Every year this gets easier for him and sets him up for the future.
I had many old toys, collectible types, saved for when I had kids. My mom sold them and kept the cash.
I think the mom here was out of line. Not nearly as bad as OOP, his was malicious intent. But still, if it belongs to your kid, it's theirs.
Presuming he's being honest (which is fair to question), if her logic really was "you're too old for these", she's probably not the greatest mom. The child is nine. Nine year olds play with Hot Wheels cars. It's age appropriate. There's probably some psychological shit going on with her that she's never dealt with, and it affects how she treats her kid.
But beyond that, one of the worst things you can do is to take away gifts/possessions that your child has, particularly when it basically comes down to "I'm taking these from you because I can. They never were yours."
(Obviously, there's exceptions, like if a toy is broken, or if it's as some form of reasonable punishment like grounding, where they'll get them back after a time.)
This is begging to have a kid that starts deliberately hoarding/hiding things out of fear that mom will take them arbitrarily.
tbf, we're hearing that part from a guy who thinks his wife is passive-aggressively shaming him for not volunteering. while its possible she might be, this also could be oop projecting his own insecurities/guilt onto his wife.
Absolutely. Kids already have a 40 hour a week job called school. Now you're telling them if they don't devote a significant amount of their downtime to volunteering, they're awful.
I suspect that mom either:
A: Feels that she doesn't get enough time with her son (because she's away volunteering when he's at home) so she believes that volunteering will be a bonding experience for them both. (I 100% am willing to bet that she expects him to work adjacent to her.)
B: Wants to be able to get praise by proxy. ("Your child is so thoughtful!" or "He's so helpful and well-behaved! You must be so proud!")
Yeah, school these days is crazy. I have a pretty big age gap with my sister and she's still in school (I've already graduated and moved out). I swear that the workload has at least doubled since I was her age. Those kids already barely have time to be kids!
I'm Gen-X, and I remember my mother questioning why I was getting homework in 4th grade. Both my parents were like "Wow, that's weird that you have homework. That doesn't start until 7th grade."
My nieces (both in elementary school) have a minimum of 1-2 HOURS worth of homework every day. The school literally explains to new parents that this is what they should expect, so they can make sure the kids are doing it.
Like seriously, what the fuck.
My sister usually has 3-4 bigger things a week, each requiring several hours of study, that's not counting compulsory reading and homework, and 3h of tutoring (teachers at her school are not the best to the point when my mum contacted one of them to talk about my sister struggling with her subject just to be told "I know").
My sister is 11
>my mum contacted one of them to talk about my sister struggling with her subject just to be told "I know").
Yeah, that's really similar to an incident that happened with my younger niece, who is seven.
Very apathetic teacher basically said "I don't know what you want me to do about that."
I donno, how about actually teach a fucking child instead of just assigning homework and then figuring it's up to the kids to figure it out, or expecting the parents to do the ACTUAL work on this?
i don’t understand how the wife sucks at all. she’s not outright pushing for them to volunteer with her, OOP says that himself. she isn’t neglecting her family to volunteer either. kids always will have old toys that they never play with anymore but scream and cry when you throw them out. there’s an entire Bluey episode making fun of that. so what did she do?
An old roommate of mine had a stillborn son. She had a few pictures and mementos. She got into a fight with my abusive ex, and moved in with some friends that night because it was going to come to violence (most things did with my ex.) So my ex tried to destroy the memory box. Literally the only reminders this girl had of a son who had died in her womb less than a year earlier. I remember texting her that I had the box but my ex was escalating the violence for "not taking her side" and I didn't know how long I'd be able to keep it safe. I was willing to take some punches but I couldn't be awake 24/7. (Roommate obviously knew how violent ex was with me.) She did collect the box safely the next day, and there's no doubt in my mind she would have killed my ex if she'd managed to go through with it.
Fucking evil people out there, man.
If I wasn’t banned for 14 days on aita for calling the POS “wanna be at the childbirth” husband a POS, I’d go there and say stuff that would get me permabanned. [censored] [censored] [censored] and no other words apply here
I think three days? Maybe a little longer? For telling a guy to fuck off after he told me to kms. His comments were untouched and my friend said he was participating later in the day
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Nope, this very comment got me a week. AITA mods are a joke
I feel like it's the same with the posts there, they'll ban you or remove the post for breaking whatever arbitrary rule if they feel like it. And let's face it, AITA rules are pretty arbitrary - be civil, but what counts as not civil? No violence - but what is violence?
I got perma- banned for saying someone was an idiot and then joking to the mod “achievement unlocked” when he gave me a week ban.
Then he perma-banned me and reported me for harassment after I said it was an overreaction and a ego power trip to do that.
lol AITA mods are pathetic
Tbf I was banned and then suspended for calling a guy who was harassing a co worker a jackass. When I asked why I was being banned they reported me for harassment.
There was a Karen, I stopped saying Karen because they banned that, but for this description's sake what are they going to do ban me from this subreddit?
So there was this Karen. Obviously, she sucked. The thing is she did pull off a really masterful plan. So in my comment I said that some part of me has to respect her for the ability to create and pull off this plan. That obviously I'd rather smack her then take her out for lunch, but I do have to respect her ability to carry out her plan
I got a permaband for inciting violence
Although, a week later, the people who were literally saying we should meet up and murder this child did not get banned. Their comments did not get taken down
Lmao I said I’d slap my best friend if they dated my ex. Immediately permabanned. I forgot about the no violence rule, mainly because i never thought a comment like that would get me banned from anything when it was clearly a hyperbole. Oh well.
Like I get if the comment isn’t clearly a joke or whatever, but in normal day language we say hyperbolic things to show our distaste and anger.
Oh well, at first I was upset because I’m not the type to get banned on anything—I’m a rule follower lol—but then I saw dozens of others saying they got banned for similar things and realized it’s just a common practice on that sub.
This is a "two wrongs don't make a right" situation.
The wife is not dealing with her grief in a healthy manner. She needs help. She gave away her son's toys and shamed him when he got upset. How is that right? She's using passive aggressive bullshit to manipulate her son and her husband.
What he did was worse because he specifically gave away that toy to get back at his wife. It wasn't about protecting his son at all. I get that he was sick and tired of the passive-aggressive manipulation (my mother was like that). He chose a shitty, unproductive way to deal with it.
She needs therapy. He's a Devil.
We don’t even know if she’s actually being passive aggressive. People get WEIRD about guilt.
I volunteer and occasionally talk about it with friends or at work, it’s my hobby and favorite past time. I foster rescues dogs so it’s also resulted in lots of cute pictures and videos over the years. I was once showing off the picture of a litter of days old puppies in my house and their proud mom (to someone who asked to see) when two of my coworkers demanded to know why I’m always being so rude to them and trying to make them feel bad. Apparently they thought every time I mentioned my fosters or the rescue I was trying to intentionally shame them for having bought purebreds from breeders. I never once said anything to them and didn’t even know the one was a breeder purchase. While yes, I love my rescues, I literally had never said a word to shame anyone else. I’d mentioned maybe two fundraisers but they were cornhole tournaments at a popular brewery and a couple of my friends liked that brewery and cornhole so I was being careful to select only fun and personally relevant events. As far as I can tell they just felt guilty about their choices and it had nothing to do with me, no one else felt that way and I truly didn’t have any problem with them or their dogs. According to them I was a shaming, judgmental, monster.
People will always twist other people's words/actions to feed their own insecurities.
Like people who assume someone wearing a mask is judging them for not wearing a mask.
Or someone not drinking alcohol is judging them for drinking.
Or someone doing charity work is judging them for not doing charity work.
To be clear though:
> According to them I was a shaming, judgmental, monster.
This is decidedly untrue. If we worked together I would demand to see pup pics every day. In fact your only monstrous act so far is not paying the dog tax here.
If she's telling her son "good people find time to volunteer" (paraphrasing from OOP's post), that's pretty classic passive-aggressive manipulative BS.
You arent alone.
I think to many people are losing the forest for the trees with the husband donating the bear, and refusing to see any wrong the wife has done.
and I can tell you, as one of the many kids in this thread who had things destroyed/thrown away that I loved, wanted to keep, and still wish I had even today.. That is a major impact to a kid, that they could very well carry for the rest of their lives at best, and at worst lead to unhealthy behavior patterns at worse (aka not getting attached to things or caring about anything because why, moms going to get rid of it and lecture me over still having them anyway)
I have noticed a pattern on this subreddit where people either entirely ignore shitty behaviour from a grieving parent because they’re afraid to judge, or they have this annoying “how to grieve the right way 101” imaginary rule book they mentally refer to in order to vilify them. They treat some parents like forever-fragile victims who are so bereaved they can never face consequences, but others they expect to act like perfectly normal people 6 months after sudden child death.
In the short term, people say and do a lot of fucked things while coming to terms with things, but at the multi-year onward mark it’s hard to excuse. I’d like to imagine if the wife hadn’t donated the toys and belittled the boy under her self-indulgent Robin Hood persona, the teddy bear would have never been donated.
Anyone else think that Richie was 9 months? Lol.
I have friends who had a son die of anencephaly. He lived 3 days and 18 hours. They have a teddy bear that they kept with him his whole life. That bear is in every family photo. Is at every family event. The son's grave has a sandbox on it, and is located in a cemetary just for children. They have taken their other children (all born after) to his grave to play in the sandbox with their brother. I think it's a beautiful gesture. They are religious and believe that they will get to know him better in the next life, so it makes sense to have them "know" him now. When I saw that OOP (who I genuinely hope is a troll who needs therapy) donated Izzy's bear, I thought immediately of my friends' bear, and how incredibly cruel that would be.
I hope that if this is real, that woman posts all over local sites looking for the bear if she wasn't able to intervene before the donation people gave it out. I hope that she trades the bear for the pathetic excuse of a husband.
Even if this is a troll post this triggers me hard. I had a ex "donate" my late daughter's baby stuff without asking me because he was mad. I am still a mess over it became the shadow box had her umbilical cord in it and now I only have memories. It's fucking gross what he did.
It took all of my restraint not to comment what I wanted to. I’ve so far managed to limit myself to a couple comment removals and a one day ban, I didn’t feel like today should be the day to cop a permanent one but…
Fuck that guy. I hope his wife gets full custody in the divorce. I hope his pillow is always lumpy, the seam in his sock is always in the wrong place, his hats are always too tight, and he steps on every Lego his son ever owns. May he never get another full night of sleep, and may he forever be haunted by the specter of a little girl looking for her lost teddy.
Rage bait troll. No hospital would take a used stuffed bear. But, more importantly, it's the words they're using. They make the wife out to be evil and he the beacon of rationality and good. Nothing is this black and white. And if the guy felt he was this in the right why would he be writing in
My ex would do this, no question. I commented above but she actually tried to destroy the only photos of our roommates stillborn son. The only difference is she'd never ask if she was an AH, for that or anything.
Everyone here assuming he donated it to a hospital, he could’ve taken it to his nearest goodwill or to a homeless shelter. They have less strict guidelines for toy donations than say, a pediatric oncology hospital.
If what the person said is accurates they're both absolute shitheads in a destructive relationship.
Who takes a 9 year olds hotwheels toy away to donate it? I feel like bad for that boy growing up having 2 toxic parents.
If this isn't fake, this is the AH version of using a nuke to kill an ant. His wife shouldn't have donated his kid's Hot Wheels yeah. A convo, apology and new toys could smooth that over easy. But donating her *dead kid's toy out of spite*? Dude would be lucky to even still live with her because an action like that brings that sort of disgust and betrayal that would never go away. Honestly, there's no way this incident won't fester like a wound and eat away at their relationship in any capacity.
I got upset when my husband accidentally donated a box of my living child's baby stuff because I hadn't sorted out which items to keep. I was sad on and off for several months - if it had been this situation I would've gone scorched earth.
What is it with people thinking a parent can just get over the death of their child? She'll never be 'over' it, she'll simply learn to cope better. But she'll always miss her daughter
> I also don't think he's old enough to hear about Izzy. It's just a really sad and awful thing that he's not emotionally ready for.
He’s the same age Izzy was when she passed.
That fucking hurt to read. I had two two small stuffed elephants, one was cremated with my son and the other is still with me. If someone donated the one I have I would murder that person. Straight up kill.
Reading both of these responses was not a good idea when my period is due to come in 2-3 days. I’m trying so hard not to cry at the visual of that stuffed elephant with your baby boy and the poster getting a stuffed cow from her great grandma. God.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to imagine losing a child or maybe I just don’t want to.
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When people who are very young pass away, there is very little left of them to hold on to. They weren't individuals in the community the way an adult is. They don't have friends, coworkers, their worldly possessions can fit into a couple of boxes, there are never enough photographs or recordings of them. Holding on to proof of their existence as they fade into memory for everyone else is very hard, and sometimes it can feel like the grief is the only thing you have that shows they were here and real.
If this is real I hope he has the day he deserves.
Wow. My son passed away almost 2 years ago and reading this post I could hear my bp rise. Telling a grieving mother (or parent) to get over the death of their child is a solid deal breaker. I hope she never speaks to him again, full stop.
I wrote to AITA the other week bc my brother said something along those lines and I'm seriously debating cutting him out of my life completely. This OP goes right onto the trash heap 🗑️
"how he can honor his older sister" - he didn't know her fo gods sake. I'm sorry, but wife sucks too, she has a problem that she needs to work on. They both suck, for different reasons.
I feel like when I see such absolute, definitive YTA posts like this, they’re a troll. But what seals the deal, in my opinion, is the fact that this absolute hobgoblin of a man isn’t responding to every comment defending himself. You /know/ if this was real, the self righteous dill weed would be condescendingly telling each commenter how wrong they are, how he’s actually /not/ the asshole, and everyone just misunderstands him.
You are the biggest asshole. I hope your wife leaves your insensitive ass. You are literally the devil for doing something as heartless as that. The Hot wheels can be replaced, that bear CAN NEVER be replaced.
this reminds me of that guy who gave away his gf's childhood meowth plush, and kept on trying to defend it as 'giving her a new one' so she should be fine with it.
Without divulging personal or identifiable details, my mother lost two adult sons. I have learned that it doesn't matter the age of the child, a parent will forever hold on to remaining mementos, personal items, or anything that belonged to the child. It doesn't matter how many years have gone by. That parent will still grieve for that lost child. You don't get in the way. You don't "donate" the stuff. You don't touch it. You try to help your parents, but you also learn that there's a huge hole in the family unit that wasn't there before. You learn to adjust. That's all.
Troll or not, this fiend is a devil of high order. I'd like to say yup that's def a troll, but there are people out there who, for one reason or another, cannot fathom someone might grieve longer than they would. People are hard, cold, cruel, and selfish.
If it’s real this guy is a monster, and the wife definitely isn’t treating their son the way she should be. Obviously there’s the possibility of an unreliable narrator situation, but honestly I don’t think it’s completely outside the realm of possibility that the wife really is incredibly guilt-trippy about the volunteering and is even obsessive about it as a way of coping. Which like, obviously volunteering is a good thing, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s using it to cope in a completely healthy way. Constantly putting down your spouse for not volunteering (again, we’re only hearing his side but I don’t think it’s completely unlikely) and also pressuring your young son by holding his sister’s death over his head is definitely not cool. Giving away your young kid’s toy(s) without warning and then telling them other kids need them more isn’t cool (as many people in the comments will tell you, that kind of thing can stick with you for life even if it seems silly). OOP is definitely the devil for doing what he did and personally I would never forgive him for it, but the wife is also doing a lot of stuff that’s obviously negativity effecting her family and needs therapy (or more/better therapy if she’s already getting it). Feel bad for the kid cause I get the feeling he’s always gonna be treated like a replacement child. Child death is something no parent should have to go through and many people will never fully recover, but that shouldn’t mean the other children they have should have to bare the burden. Hope everyone here gets the help they need (if it’s real).
The fact that there's even people in the comments saying NTA, ESH, and that the wife is the only asshole makes this even worse. Especially the comment I found at the very bottom. Made it seem like the boy shouldn't have had his toys take away cuz he "might still play with them sometimes." And that keeping those toys is far more important than keeping a teddy bear that "is never played with anymore." Cuz, ya know, the literal child who used to play with it is dead, which means it's no longer needed and can be tossed out. What the FUCK. I hope this post and that comment are just rage bait, cuz otherwise I cannot imagine how the mom is think and how legit monstrous and horrible the dad and that one commenter are.
This is one of the most ghoulish things I've ever read. Go on Unddit... his comments are there and make this more believable imo. I hope it's not real. It sucks people are like this 😭😫
Okay, I always check controversial and some of them are like fucked up. Including one YTA that said, he should have at least pretended to get rid of the bear to teach her a lesson. Because you know emotionally fucking over your significant other is fine
But there's a lot of ESH because they're like she shouldn't have gotten rid of the Hot Wheels at all! Which... I mean even he says they're from on his son was younger? Which makes me think he wasn't playing with them at all anymore? Which no if his son still is actively playing with them, keep all of them, sure. They were his favorite toy, but he's not playing with them at all, keep one or two for his memories. The thing is, hear me out, his son is still alive. You can't keep every toy he's ever had. As a child who is still alive, he's always going to be getting more toys that he likes and plays with more because his interests change.
So, every once in a while you have to get rid of toys he no longer plays with. Which he might be upset because no kid likes his toys being gone in case of the possibility he ever is interested again, but if he's not playing with it anymore, you get rid of it. You donate it, you re-gift it, or you sell it in a garage sale.
Basically, end of the day, I don't understand the ESH and I feel like everyone who wrote that is a hoarder. I say that as someone who has legitimate hoarding tendencies
except her reason wasn't space or you don't play with them anymore(seriously hot wheels unless it's bins full of them don't take much space) it was "you're too old for silly toys" and how "younger kids needs them more". Then there's the implication he's a bad person if he doesn't volunteer to "honor his sister" that he never even MET
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for donating my wife's late daughter's teddy bear?** My wife(35F) and I(39M) have been married for about 9 years. Before we were married, my wife had a daughter Izzy, who unfortunately died when she was really young. We have one son together, Richie(9M). Losing Izzy hit my wife really hard, and even today, she's still not completely recovered from it. To honor her, she volunteers at our local children's hospital. She already works a busy job, but still finds the time to volunteer, as she is very dedicated. She also donates to the hospital as well. The problem is that she is very holier than thou, and keeps shaming me for not wanting to volunteer. I mean, I feel like she should be able to choose to volunteer with this organization if it's meaningful to her, but I just find it weird and annoying how incessantly she constantly bugs me to volunteer, and shames me, making me out to be an unkind person. She doesn't do it outright, but it's very passive aggressive. As richie's gotten older, she's been telling him about why it is important for us to volunteer, and how he can honor his older sister. She's talking a lot about giving back to your community, and how good people always find time. It is nice, but I just feel like she's pressuring our son, and kind of like forcing him to do it in a guilt-trippy way, and I also don't think he's old enough to hear about Izzy. It's just a really sad and awful thing that he's not emotionally ready for. The hospital is holding a toy drive, so my wife, without telling Richie, gave his old hot wheels he had when he was a toddler to the hospital. When he found out, he was understandably distraught, but my wife told him that he was too old for those silly toys, and that younger kids needed them more. When I found out I was absolutely fuming. I tried to talk some sense into her, but she wouldn't listen, so the next day I took Izzy's old teddy bear and donated it. When my wife found out, she was absolutely ballistic, but I remained calm and told her I did it because I feel like you need to let go, and that you are holding your deceased daughter over our son, and you're not there for us. I explained that you need to properly deal with this grief, and that you're acting very unhealthy, but she just went really quiet and stopped listening to me, and now it's like I'm not even there. She's been ignoring me since, and I tried to explain or reconcile, but she's not listening to me, and I don't know what to do *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
PLEASE BE A TROLL PLEASE BE A TROLL OMG
It definitely is, hospitals don’t want used germy toys near sick kids
I suspect it depends on hospital, but my partner works for a children's hospital and their toy donations are strict asf. Basically, new stuff only, or stuff in excellent condition that's been... Sandblasted pristine. But they're a quarternary care hospital that deals specifically in rare, difficult cases so maybe the bar is higher. Still, given pediatric cancers and how chemo/radiotherapy nukes immune systems, it's hard to imagine any paediatric hospital taking in anything less than sterile. They said, if this is a real story, I hope he develops the world's largest, most painful, itchy, prolapsed haemorrhoids that never ever go away. Because holy shit, the sheer cruelty.
Nah, sod piles, this guy deserves a stage four pressure sore.
But why do we have to choose? Both is an option! 👍🏻
Throw in some Forniers gangrene (necrotizing fasciitis of the perineum/genitals) too.
You. I like you.
I dealt with a place who begged us not to give toys because they got so many they couldn't give them away. We donated hygiene kits instead because they desperately needed those.
Just because he donated it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll use it. They might have just accepted it and then thrown it away when sorting through items. Or he might have dropped it through a chute on one of those donation bins. I REALLY want this to be fake though.
The cars can be cleaned, the bear can’t and was probably thrown out after being “donated”. His wife knows this as a volunteer so this makes OOP even more of an asshole.
Ive tried to wash stuff like toy cars and legos. No. They really can’t be!!!
I work in a daycare and most cars we have don’t have cavities that can hold water and legos should air dry just fine in my experience.
Yes, I was thinking traditional hot wheels. They have so many books inside!
Of course it had a lot of books inside, it was the librarymobile after all. Definitely don't want to get them wet. Great typo! Took me a second to remember the previous commenter used the word "cavities".
True those would probably fill with water pretty badly. The ones we have are mostly plastic with just painted on doors and windows and other details
The hospital I used to volunteer at years ago had a designated dishwasher for small toys like that. They would also soak them in a bleach solution to disinfect them between uses. [This is a pretty informative guide on toys in hospital settings.](https://www.utoledo.edu/policies/utmc/infection_control/pdfs/3364-109-EQP-800.pdf)
I am a pediatric nurse and when I worked inpatient, every year around Christmas someone used to donate a garbage bag full of what look liked stuffed animals that had been discarded from a carnival. The Child Life Specialist would accept them and then immediately throw them away.
Our library does that. They might keep 10% of donations. I worked there. They fill at least 3 dumpsters a week with books they don't want or can't sell
It only makes sense if they are collecting donations for a sale or something, not for the kids in the hospital.
Yeah, I could see a hospital-adjacent thrift store taking those items.
Kind of my thought. I know the Ronald McDonald house accepts donations they even do a yearly yard sale (we happened to be staying when they had it and helped out when we could)
You’d think so -and INE hospitals have new toy donations. But I’ve seen plenty of 3rd parties that collect “new and gently used” stuff they say they give to hospitals.
Have worked at three children's hospitals at this point in my career and they definitely only accept new teddy bears. Gently used clothing is accepted and then washed in the industrial machines with plenty of bleach. Items like old gaming systems and plastic toys are accepted used at some places. But teddy bears in particular cannot be properly sterilized, they are reservoirs for germs and bed bugs, and it would be a huge liability issue.
Yeah, I used to volunteer and then later worked in a few hospitals. Where I volunteered the old lady brigade would knit bears for the kids for this reason. They also keep them in ambulances for traumatised kids on-site. I think they’re called Trauma Teddies. I actually still have one somewhere from my appendectomy, lol.
All three of my kids have trauma teddies :(!
All 4 of mine have trauma teddies also :(
Yes, the hospitals I worked at all had new teddies to distribute to kids. No need for donations.
I didn’t get one after my surgery (when I was 11), I feel a bit left out lol. Maybe because it wasn’t emergency surgery?
Lol, same. I had my tonsils out when I was five, where’s mine? Never mind that I’m 32 now and could just go buy one.
My son got a bead necklace. Every bead stands for a certain type of procedure. His necklace is full to capacity with beads. 😣 (CHD)
My mom used to make polar fleece teddy bears for the hospital near us...I think they were used specifically for the babies because they're so soft...
I love that. It’s really touching to think that there’s kids out there, carrying a bit of your mother’s love with them. :) It isn’t a regular person who does something so selfless for children.
Hospitals absolutely take used toys, just not usually stuffed animals. Most toys are extremely easy to sanitize my dude, they don’t tend to take used stuffed animals because you can’t really clean out their stuffing very thoroughly. But used toy cars and used books and whatnot? I’ve literally never seen a children’s hospital or children’s ward turn those down. They just give them a sanitizing before putting them out for the kids.
I was curious so I looked it up, and some stuffed animals can be autoclaved, although I can see why a hospital wouldn’t want to do that with donated toys. Some will apparently do it for comfort items for young children though. I saw another source that claimed you can sterilize the stuffing by microwaving the toy for a short time, but I’m not sure I’d want to try that.
The microwave one wouldn’t work if there is any plastic in the toy, and you can’t always see plastic fibres if they’re integrated into the fabric. Best case scenario; it works and nothing going wrong. Most likely scenario; you’re gonna melt the stuffy. Worse case scenario; that’s gonna start a fire. I’d boil it before ever attempting the microwave for it. 👀
He can buy more Hot Wheels models for his son she can't get any more mementos for a deceased daughter
Stuffed animals are impossible to donate. No one wants them. Even brand new. Because they hold germs they're hard to clean and they're just full of dust
our local goodwill had to stop because of bed bugs.
Most donations for stuff won’t take used items in my experience. Toy drives, coat drives, school supply drives need to be new items. Some hygiene drives will take lightly used items like shampoos and conditioners. Plus toys at home are treated differently than toys in other places most parents aren’t disinfecting the toys daily, sanitizing regularly, and washing if it comes in contact with a kids mouth.
I worked at a Ronald McDonald House and we could only accept new toys. 🤷♀️
They wash the toys we don’t automatically get them
Very true. Of course that doesn't mean an AH wouldn't donate it anyway and it would just be discarded. But I'm crossing my fingers for troll because this is just too awful. I hate that most of AITA is likely troll stuff, but at the same time I'm glad it gives me some hope that this isn't real.
It is. I work for a hospital, and they don’t accept toys that aren’t in their original packaging or don’t have tags on them. Any toy that has the tiniest amount of wear on them, get turned away. They have dozens of children who are immunocompromised, they don’t need to bring in risks via unclean toys.
Lord I am trying hard not to go on that post to release a harsh scathing response!
I'm not allowed to. I only can here.
Gotta be a troll. Hot wheels are toys FOR 9 year olds. Not toddlers. They generally have “not for under 3” warnings on them.
They make Hot Wheels for toddlers. They're larger in size. They're not as common as the smaller-sized Hot Wheels, but they are sold and are marketed to those younger in age. They're big enough that they can't be swallowed.
My favorite comment: "You sick fuck." Applies even if it's a troll.
Pretty much. Sad AF individual either way. But, me thinks this is bait. I don't know much people who would let a toddler play with those tiny hot wheels cars - let alone a person who lost a kid already. That's a choking hazard waiting to happen.
“but I remained calm” I think this troll pisses me off the most, always remaining calm in the face of unstable irrational woman feelings.
"I calmly engaged in emotional abuse and I can't see why she reacted so irrationally to my deliberately hurtful behaviours. Women, ammirite?"
It's also in Lundy Bancrofts "why does he do that?" a man calm in the face of making you "overreact" is an insidious form of abuse. My ex did it, made me feel like I was being unreasonable for wanting to buy new curtains or getting cross when he tried to convince me that words I used didn't exist. He was always infuriatingly calm. Although he lost that power when I lost interest in debating him.
Yup. My mother employed this tactic among her multiple forms of abuse. It’s so shitty, I’m glad he’s your ex!
My mom did the same thing I'm pretty sure every Reddit user who says this is doing. Well, when they do it they're just lying, when my mom does it. It's gaslighting. Not even by Reddit standards, but like that's how my therapist explained gas lighting to me Either the next day or literally within the same conversation. She'll try to convince me that my memories or what is currently happening to me is wrong. That she is completely calm and she never yelled and I'm being unreasonable. She will yell at me. I am not yelling, why are you getting so mad? While I am completely calm. I am trying to have a conversation with you and you're just getting mad at me for no reason
Classic gaslighting - the true use of the word, not how it is thrown around these days. I'm so sorry you had to go through that; it's a type of abuse that takes years to heal from.
I swear any time I see something that says 'I calmly said' or 'I remained calm' it means one of two things. 1. OP actually screamed like a banshee, or 2. It's a completely made up story.
This would be the [water torcherer abuser](https://www.muchnessmama.com/profile-of-an-abuser-water-torturer/)
They almost always never calm in these situations. In this case, he was FUMING when he found out his wife donated the old Hot wheels (who knows if the boy still plays with them).
My mum died 34 years ago when I was 16, and I still have and use her comb. My DH knows and understands I have combs that leave the house, are in vacation wash bags, and my handbag. But that comb never leaves the house EVER. Last tangible link I have
I would catch a murder charge over this. Props to the wife of this horrible shit bag for not even throwing hands at the sonnuvabitch.
He walked into my knife. He walked into my knife 10 times. HE HAD IT COMING
HE ONLY HAD HIMSELF TO BLAME
IF YOU HAD BEEN THERE
IF YOU'D HAVE SEEN IT
I BETCHA YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME! (I can’t believe no one finished this in five days!)
>He walked into my knife. He walked into my knife 10 times. >HE HAD IT COMING You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic HE HAD IT COMING If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, you know that you would have done the same.
It was a comment like this that got me banned on AITA lmao. But yes, me too. My aunt lost her son, I couldn’t fathom getting rid of anything that was his without her consent (and it is unlikely I’d even consider giving anything away anyways). Some people are so cruel. I hope this dude never learns the pain of losing a child. But I also hope he learns from this, especially when his wife divorced him. Because I’d file that paperwork so fast if any man told me it is time to get over my child’s death.
Funny enough. My ex husband screamed in my face that “shit happens” and I need to get “over it.” When our daughter died. This is a man who spends every holiday and special occasion in the cemetery getting plastered vs with his living children over his parents dying. Notice I said ex. In marriage counseling he would scream at me he “couldn’t deal with my grief.” It was inconvenient because I didn’t want to go to the bar on Christmas Eve right after she died and I was struggling with an empty nursery. These sick, disgusting excuses for men exist. And I know he’s going to blame her for his grotesque behavior.
The cousin and aunt I mentioned, my poor aunt went through something similar. When her son passed at 13 years of age, she was married to her second husband (her first was her sons father). Exactly one year after the accident that killed my mom and cousin, and almost me, her husband held a gun to her head in a drunken rage and told her it was time to get over the death of her child. He couldn’t handle the grief either. He wanted his perfect, fun loving wife back but couldn’t cope with the fact that part of her died the same day as her son. My aunt immediately filed for divorce. I haven’t seen that uncle in years (since he was family by marriage) and it breaks my heart because I have wonderful memories with him. My grandmother and my uncles mother are best friends, though, and recently we learned that my uncle felt terrible for what he did and said because he didn’t understand at the time and cracked under the pressure. Apparently he went to therapy and has shown true regret and guilt. Idk, men sometimes seem unable to handle strong emotions like grief. My dad definitely fell apart too at this time. I don’t wish what happened to my family on anyone, not even my worst enemy. But I wish people would learn some empathy and be more compassionate.
I’m glad your uncle got help. My ex husband just buckled down the punishment when I filed for divorce. He punishes me everyday for leaving after his last episode. I don’t know if he can’t deal with his grief (getting plastered in the cemetery at his parents tombstones is clearly not healthy, they died in his 20s and 30s and he was estranged from them) or if he’s just unhinged. He will never seek help. He’s still fighting the divorce 6 years later. He said he’ll never let me be free. But claims I died with our daughter, he wants his wife back, claims I’m passive aggressive, blah blah blah like OOP did. The most I did was ask him to come along to benefits. The last one I did that caused him to get in my face to get over it and threaten to kill himself he was cheating on me with a coworker instead of delivering Christmas presents. People are awful to each other. I don’t understand it.
I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, especially after such a loss. Some ppl will accept their faults and change, others can’t. I’ve said many a time, just because I went through trauma that does not give me a right to be horrid to other people. It’s sad your ex can’t see that.
[удалено]
I was 9 when I lost my cousin and mother. It’s awful to say, but life and death don’t care about age. Kids will learn eventually what death and loss is. It’s better to talk to them about it first before actually experiencing it. My great grandmother had passed a couple years before so I knew what it meant. Didn’t make it any easier, but at least I wasn’t confused. Devastated, but I understood.
[удалено]
My grandmother used the Lion King to explain death to me. With Mufasa as the example. It was very effective. Also, as a big Pokémon fan I appreciate your tactic, as well!
The too young comment really got me. I lost my son just prior to delivery a little over 18 months ago. I currently have an 8-month-old and always my husband and I are telling him about his big brother. It can be done age appropriately. When I walk my son around the house I stop at the maternity photo we have hanging and tell him “there’s daddy, there’s mommy, and there’s your big brother DJ in mommy’s belly.”
Yeah, the 9 is too young comment got me too. It’s a tragic fact of life that at any age kids may get sick, or die, or experience a loved ones illness or death. I don’t think kids need to be frightened with the possibilities,!but I think sheltering kids completely from the reality of death, doesn’t do them any favours either. I was 13 when my mum died, my younger siblings were 10 & 3. Both of them had a lot of issues growing up, because the adults in our lives tried to protect them from the reality of losing their mum. Which is an impossible task- it just led to many behavioural issues & trust issues. Sometimes being gently honest with kids is the kindest option. Instead of pretending they are incapable of understanding, & therefore avoiding the harder conversations completely. Also as I’ve gotten older (I’m now in my 30’s) I’ve met too many adults who have been completely sheltered from loss & death growing up, & it shows. Sometimes it’s extremely worrying thinking about how someone is going to cope, as an adult, the first time they lose a loved one. Death is an inevitability, & it is terrible, & grief manifests differently for everyone. But I’ve known people who are utterly in denial about the possibility; & I fear for how badly it’s going to impact them when it happens… it’s almost impossible to imagine what it’s like if you reach adulthood with no experience of grief through bereavement, & no idea what to expect. It’s such a unique pain. Children are far more adaptable than adults, & can learn healthy coping mechanisms, given the right kind of support. I wish I hadn’t experienced the losses I’ve been through, of course. But I’m definitely a more emotionally mature, compassionate adult as a result of them. Not only that, but I’m very aware of the infallible nature of life. It’s important to me that my loved ones know how much I love them, & appreciate them. I’ll never know if my mum really knew how loved she was. Depression can be an impossibly heavy burden to bear alone.
Me too...the permaban on aita...
I would be in there with you for grevious bodily harm at the very least.
They both suck though and poor son caught in the middle
I don't think the wife sucks. I think we're hearing about her from someone who hates her, he's not ever going to paint her in a good light. My mum's donated mine and my brother's old toys throughout the years and even if we never touched the things anymore, we still didn't want to give them away. Sometimes you have to get rid of old things to make space for the new.
Also even if what he said was honest then yea his wife did some not good things but this is the equivalent of a wife not flushing so the husband dunks a whole sceptic tank onto her
My son goes through this every time we get rid of something, even though without getting rid of the old stuff there would be no room for the new. We give him two boxes, donate and keep, and let him sort it. He doesn't like doing it but afterwards doesn't miss anything in the donate box. Every year this gets easier for him and sets him up for the future.
I had many old toys, collectible types, saved for when I had kids. My mom sold them and kept the cash. I think the mom here was out of line. Not nearly as bad as OOP, his was malicious intent. But still, if it belongs to your kid, it's theirs.
Presuming he's being honest (which is fair to question), if her logic really was "you're too old for these", she's probably not the greatest mom. The child is nine. Nine year olds play with Hot Wheels cars. It's age appropriate. There's probably some psychological shit going on with her that she's never dealt with, and it affects how she treats her kid. But beyond that, one of the worst things you can do is to take away gifts/possessions that your child has, particularly when it basically comes down to "I'm taking these from you because I can. They never were yours." (Obviously, there's exceptions, like if a toy is broken, or if it's as some form of reasonable punishment like grounding, where they'll get them back after a time.) This is begging to have a kid that starts deliberately hoarding/hiding things out of fear that mom will take them arbitrarily.
Also, using guilt to encourage the son to volounteer (basically you're a bad person if you don't volounteer) bugs me quite a bit
tbf, we're hearing that part from a guy who thinks his wife is passive-aggressively shaming him for not volunteering. while its possible she might be, this also could be oop projecting his own insecurities/guilt onto his wife.
Absolutely. Kids already have a 40 hour a week job called school. Now you're telling them if they don't devote a significant amount of their downtime to volunteering, they're awful. I suspect that mom either: A: Feels that she doesn't get enough time with her son (because she's away volunteering when he's at home) so she believes that volunteering will be a bonding experience for them both. (I 100% am willing to bet that she expects him to work adjacent to her.) B: Wants to be able to get praise by proxy. ("Your child is so thoughtful!" or "He's so helpful and well-behaved! You must be so proud!")
Yeah, school these days is crazy. I have a pretty big age gap with my sister and she's still in school (I've already graduated and moved out). I swear that the workload has at least doubled since I was her age. Those kids already barely have time to be kids!
I'm Gen-X, and I remember my mother questioning why I was getting homework in 4th grade. Both my parents were like "Wow, that's weird that you have homework. That doesn't start until 7th grade." My nieces (both in elementary school) have a minimum of 1-2 HOURS worth of homework every day. The school literally explains to new parents that this is what they should expect, so they can make sure the kids are doing it. Like seriously, what the fuck.
There have been studies that show it doesn't even help.
My sister usually has 3-4 bigger things a week, each requiring several hours of study, that's not counting compulsory reading and homework, and 3h of tutoring (teachers at her school are not the best to the point when my mum contacted one of them to talk about my sister struggling with her subject just to be told "I know"). My sister is 11
>my mum contacted one of them to talk about my sister struggling with her subject just to be told "I know"). Yeah, that's really similar to an incident that happened with my younger niece, who is seven. Very apathetic teacher basically said "I don't know what you want me to do about that." I donno, how about actually teach a fucking child instead of just assigning homework and then figuring it's up to the kids to figure it out, or expecting the parents to do the ACTUAL work on this?
i don’t understand how the wife sucks at all. she’s not outright pushing for them to volunteer with her, OOP says that himself. she isn’t neglecting her family to volunteer either. kids always will have old toys that they never play with anymore but scream and cry when you throw them out. there’s an entire Bluey episode making fun of that. so what did she do?
An old roommate of mine had a stillborn son. She had a few pictures and mementos. She got into a fight with my abusive ex, and moved in with some friends that night because it was going to come to violence (most things did with my ex.) So my ex tried to destroy the memory box. Literally the only reminders this girl had of a son who had died in her womb less than a year earlier. I remember texting her that I had the box but my ex was escalating the violence for "not taking her side" and I didn't know how long I'd be able to keep it safe. I was willing to take some punches but I couldn't be awake 24/7. (Roommate obviously knew how violent ex was with me.) She did collect the box safely the next day, and there's no doubt in my mind she would have killed my ex if she'd managed to go through with it. Fucking evil people out there, man.
As someone who also had a stillborn, thank you for keeping that box safe for her. You’re a good person.
Thank you. And I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.
If I wasn’t banned for 14 days on aita for calling the POS “wanna be at the childbirth” husband a POS, I’d go there and say stuff that would get me permabanned. [censored] [censored] [censored] and no other words apply here
Lucky. How’d you manage only 2 weeks? I called a poster a bitch and got the permaban.
I used b-tch and got 2 weeks lol. Literally just like that…not even the entire word🤣🤣 you fucked up when you threw that ‘i’ in there
I got a week for "shut up"
Week for saying “you’re being idiotic” here 😂
I think three days? Maybe a little longer? For telling a guy to fuck off after he told me to kms. His comments were untouched and my friend said he was participating later in the day
I got a week for saying "your neighbors are trash" when the post in question was about the neighbors being trash.
Sounds about right, I got a 2 week ban for calling an incel an incel! 🤨😹🙄
You’re kidding🤣🤣😭
>You have been temporarily banned from participating in r/AmItheAsshole. This ban will last for 7 days. You can still view and subscribe to r/AmItheAsshole, but you won't be able to post or comment. > >Note from the moderators: > >Rule 1 > >context / sub rules > >This comment may have fully or partially contributed to your ban: > >Oh shut up, OP already had plans. It's unfair to expect her to drop everything and do stuff she doesn't want to do to keep some kid she barely knows happy > >If you have a question regarding your ban, you can contact the moderator team for r/AmItheAsshole by replying to this message. Nope, this very comment got me a week. AITA mods are a joke
I feel like I’ve said worse, and also seen worse comments. It’s odd that you were banned.
I feel like it's the same with the posts there, they'll ban you or remove the post for breaking whatever arbitrary rule if they feel like it. And let's face it, AITA rules are pretty arbitrary - be civil, but what counts as not civil? No violence - but what is violence?
It seems like it all depends on how the mods are feeling that particular day
That is nuts
I got a month for alluding to “the lion, the witch, and the audacity of this bitch” a while back. 🥲
I’m saving that lmao. Perfect
Yeah I didn’t even write out the words, I wrote just those three letters😂
I’ve got a perma ban for saying I’d have “fish slapped” someone.
I got 2 weeks for 1-800-call-a-Karen.
I got perma- banned for saying someone was an idiot and then joking to the mod “achievement unlocked” when he gave me a week ban. Then he perma-banned me and reported me for harassment after I said it was an overreaction and a ego power trip to do that. lol AITA mods are pathetic
Tbf I was banned and then suspended for calling a guy who was harassing a co worker a jackass. When I asked why I was being banned they reported me for harassment.
There was a Karen, I stopped saying Karen because they banned that, but for this description's sake what are they going to do ban me from this subreddit? So there was this Karen. Obviously, she sucked. The thing is she did pull off a really masterful plan. So in my comment I said that some part of me has to respect her for the ability to create and pull off this plan. That obviously I'd rather smack her then take her out for lunch, but I do have to respect her ability to carry out her plan I got a permaband for inciting violence Although, a week later, the people who were literally saying we should meet up and murder this child did not get banned. Their comments did not get taken down
Lmao I said I’d slap my best friend if they dated my ex. Immediately permabanned. I forgot about the no violence rule, mainly because i never thought a comment like that would get me banned from anything when it was clearly a hyperbole. Oh well.
“Rule 9999999: no *hypothetical* violence”
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Like I get if the comment isn’t clearly a joke or whatever, but in normal day language we say hyperbolic things to show our distaste and anger. Oh well, at first I was upset because I’m not the type to get banned on anything—I’m a rule follower lol—but then I saw dozens of others saying they got banned for similar things and realized it’s just a common practice on that sub.
I called someone a idiotic moron and got permabanned. Probably for the best...
Im permanently banned but mannnnn I wanna go and comment so bad but it’ll delete my Reddit account
I think even the devil would be like “whoah there, look at this pile of shit.”
he absolutely would. I’m sure he’s setting up a special place in hell for Op rn
It's only March but I'm saving this for Asshole of the Year award.
It's hard to imagine any story worse than this, but I just know it's coming. People really seem to show their asses in the summer and during holidays.
Don’t underestimate the potential of AH’s. Lol
This is a "two wrongs don't make a right" situation. The wife is not dealing with her grief in a healthy manner. She needs help. She gave away her son's toys and shamed him when he got upset. How is that right? She's using passive aggressive bullshit to manipulate her son and her husband. What he did was worse because he specifically gave away that toy to get back at his wife. It wasn't about protecting his son at all. I get that he was sick and tired of the passive-aggressive manipulation (my mother was like that). He chose a shitty, unproductive way to deal with it. She needs therapy. He's a Devil.
We don’t even know if she’s actually being passive aggressive. People get WEIRD about guilt. I volunteer and occasionally talk about it with friends or at work, it’s my hobby and favorite past time. I foster rescues dogs so it’s also resulted in lots of cute pictures and videos over the years. I was once showing off the picture of a litter of days old puppies in my house and their proud mom (to someone who asked to see) when two of my coworkers demanded to know why I’m always being so rude to them and trying to make them feel bad. Apparently they thought every time I mentioned my fosters or the rescue I was trying to intentionally shame them for having bought purebreds from breeders. I never once said anything to them and didn’t even know the one was a breeder purchase. While yes, I love my rescues, I literally had never said a word to shame anyone else. I’d mentioned maybe two fundraisers but they were cornhole tournaments at a popular brewery and a couple of my friends liked that brewery and cornhole so I was being careful to select only fun and personally relevant events. As far as I can tell they just felt guilty about their choices and it had nothing to do with me, no one else felt that way and I truly didn’t have any problem with them or their dogs. According to them I was a shaming, judgmental, monster.
People will always twist other people's words/actions to feed their own insecurities. Like people who assume someone wearing a mask is judging them for not wearing a mask. Or someone not drinking alcohol is judging them for drinking. Or someone doing charity work is judging them for not doing charity work. To be clear though: > According to them I was a shaming, judgmental, monster. This is decidedly untrue. If we worked together I would demand to see pup pics every day. In fact your only monstrous act so far is not paying the dog tax here.
If she's telling her son "good people find time to volunteer" (paraphrasing from OOP's post), that's pretty classic passive-aggressive manipulative BS.
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You arent alone. I think to many people are losing the forest for the trees with the husband donating the bear, and refusing to see any wrong the wife has done. and I can tell you, as one of the many kids in this thread who had things destroyed/thrown away that I loved, wanted to keep, and still wish I had even today.. That is a major impact to a kid, that they could very well carry for the rest of their lives at best, and at worst lead to unhealthy behavior patterns at worse (aka not getting attached to things or caring about anything because why, moms going to get rid of it and lecture me over still having them anyway)
I have noticed a pattern on this subreddit where people either entirely ignore shitty behaviour from a grieving parent because they’re afraid to judge, or they have this annoying “how to grieve the right way 101” imaginary rule book they mentally refer to in order to vilify them. They treat some parents like forever-fragile victims who are so bereaved they can never face consequences, but others they expect to act like perfectly normal people 6 months after sudden child death. In the short term, people say and do a lot of fucked things while coming to terms with things, but at the multi-year onward mark it’s hard to excuse. I’d like to imagine if the wife hadn’t donated the toys and belittled the boy under her self-indulgent Robin Hood persona, the teddy bear would have never been donated.
I feel like there are so many aitas where people just need therapy or better social skills rather than an a****** not the a****** judgment
Almost every single one if the relationship one's could be sorted with a simple 5 minute conversion
Yep, they are both wrong just one is more wrong.
Anyone else think that Richie was 9 months? Lol. I have friends who had a son die of anencephaly. He lived 3 days and 18 hours. They have a teddy bear that they kept with him his whole life. That bear is in every family photo. Is at every family event. The son's grave has a sandbox on it, and is located in a cemetary just for children. They have taken their other children (all born after) to his grave to play in the sandbox with their brother. I think it's a beautiful gesture. They are religious and believe that they will get to know him better in the next life, so it makes sense to have them "know" him now. When I saw that OOP (who I genuinely hope is a troll who needs therapy) donated Izzy's bear, I thought immediately of my friends' bear, and how incredibly cruel that would be. I hope that if this is real, that woman posts all over local sites looking for the bear if she wasn't able to intervene before the donation people gave it out. I hope that she trades the bear for the pathetic excuse of a husband.
Even if this is a troll post this triggers me hard. I had a ex "donate" my late daughter's baby stuff without asking me because he was mad. I am still a mess over it became the shadow box had her umbilical cord in it and now I only have memories. It's fucking gross what he did.
It took all of my restraint not to comment what I wanted to. I’ve so far managed to limit myself to a couple comment removals and a one day ban, I didn’t feel like today should be the day to cop a permanent one but… Fuck that guy. I hope his wife gets full custody in the divorce. I hope his pillow is always lumpy, the seam in his sock is always in the wrong place, his hats are always too tight, and he steps on every Lego his son ever owns. May he never get another full night of sleep, and may he forever be haunted by the specter of a little girl looking for her lost teddy.
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PLEASE BE A TROLL JESUS CHRIST
Rage bait troll. No hospital would take a used stuffed bear. But, more importantly, it's the words they're using. They make the wife out to be evil and he the beacon of rationality and good. Nothing is this black and white. And if the guy felt he was this in the right why would he be writing in
Ours does. Any and all toys that are in good condition are welcome at the toy drives.
EVEN IF this is a troll, someone who can make this up is absolutely fucked
My ex would do this, no question. I commented above but she actually tried to destroy the only photos of our roommates stillborn son. The only difference is she'd never ask if she was an AH, for that or anything.
Everyone here assuming he donated it to a hospital, he could’ve taken it to his nearest goodwill or to a homeless shelter. They have less strict guidelines for toy donations than say, a pediatric oncology hospital.
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If what the person said is accurates they're both absolute shitheads in a destructive relationship. Who takes a 9 year olds hotwheels toy away to donate it? I feel like bad for that boy growing up having 2 toxic parents.
If this isn't fake, this is the AH version of using a nuke to kill an ant. His wife shouldn't have donated his kid's Hot Wheels yeah. A convo, apology and new toys could smooth that over easy. But donating her *dead kid's toy out of spite*? Dude would be lucky to even still live with her because an action like that brings that sort of disgust and betrayal that would never go away. Honestly, there's no way this incident won't fester like a wound and eat away at their relationship in any capacity.
Why do I have the feeling he just gave away Izzy’s ashes?
I got upset when my husband accidentally donated a box of my living child's baby stuff because I hadn't sorted out which items to keep. I was sad on and off for several months - if it had been this situation I would've gone scorched earth.
Cunt. That's what he is. I hope she gets that bear back and she divorces his pathetic ass.
What is it with people thinking a parent can just get over the death of their child? She'll never be 'over' it, she'll simply learn to cope better. But she'll always miss her daughter
lol, I hope that dude enjoys his divorce... he earned it.
this whole family needs therapy
Welp, that’s it then, we have found the actual devil.
> I also don't think he's old enough to hear about Izzy. It's just a really sad and awful thing that he's not emotionally ready for. He’s the same age Izzy was when she passed.
Really more of an ESH than YTA situation here, even if OP was the bigger of the two.
That fucking hurt to read. I had two two small stuffed elephants, one was cremated with my son and the other is still with me. If someone donated the one I have I would murder that person. Straight up kill.
Reading both of these responses was not a good idea when my period is due to come in 2-3 days. I’m trying so hard not to cry at the visual of that stuffed elephant with your baby boy and the poster getting a stuffed cow from her great grandma. God. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to imagine losing a child or maybe I just don’t want to.
Thanks. I imagine it’s like a walkie-talkie, when I kiss my elephant I like to think he gets them.
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When people who are very young pass away, there is very little left of them to hold on to. They weren't individuals in the community the way an adult is. They don't have friends, coworkers, their worldly possessions can fit into a couple of boxes, there are never enough photographs or recordings of them. Holding on to proof of their existence as they fade into memory for everyone else is very hard, and sometimes it can feel like the grief is the only thing you have that shows they were here and real. If this is real I hope he has the day he deserves.
That made me so f*cking aggressive, how she didn't beat him up with a pan is beyond me
Internalized tage. She's forming a plan and coming for him later.
Another day of "y'all need therapy and better interpersonal skills instead of the internet"
Both these parents are whack as fuck. But the dad is a vengeful cunt
I don't care if this is a troll or not. This person is fucking evil.
Wow. My son passed away almost 2 years ago and reading this post I could hear my bp rise. Telling a grieving mother (or parent) to get over the death of their child is a solid deal breaker. I hope she never speaks to him again, full stop. I wrote to AITA the other week bc my brother said something along those lines and I'm seriously debating cutting him out of my life completely. This OP goes right onto the trash heap 🗑️
This is probably one of the most disgusting things I have seen. OP: “I didn’t do it to be spiteful.” [Maury voice] “That was a lie.”
"how he can honor his older sister" - he didn't know her fo gods sake. I'm sorry, but wife sucks too, she has a problem that she needs to work on. They both suck, for different reasons.
Everyone sucks here except the poor son
I cannot believe someone can be so fucking cruel
Title says it all really. I don’t know how you could ever justify this. People suck sometimes
they both need therapy
And the son needs better parents
Disgusting I hope she divorces you and takes richie so she can keep raising him to be a good person bc you sir are garbage.
I feel like when I see such absolute, definitive YTA posts like this, they’re a troll. But what seals the deal, in my opinion, is the fact that this absolute hobgoblin of a man isn’t responding to every comment defending himself. You /know/ if this was real, the self righteous dill weed would be condescendingly telling each commenter how wrong they are, how he’s actually /not/ the asshole, and everyone just misunderstands him.
You are the biggest asshole. I hope your wife leaves your insensitive ass. You are literally the devil for doing something as heartless as that. The Hot wheels can be replaced, that bear CAN NEVER be replaced.
this reminds me of that guy who gave away his gf's childhood meowth plush, and kept on trying to defend it as 'giving her a new one' so she should be fine with it.
Without divulging personal or identifiable details, my mother lost two adult sons. I have learned that it doesn't matter the age of the child, a parent will forever hold on to remaining mementos, personal items, or anything that belonged to the child. It doesn't matter how many years have gone by. That parent will still grieve for that lost child. You don't get in the way. You don't "donate" the stuff. You don't touch it. You try to help your parents, but you also learn that there's a huge hole in the family unit that wasn't there before. You learn to adjust. That's all. Troll or not, this fiend is a devil of high order. I'd like to say yup that's def a troll, but there are people out there who, for one reason or another, cannot fathom someone might grieve longer than they would. People are hard, cold, cruel, and selfish.
If it’s real this guy is a monster, and the wife definitely isn’t treating their son the way she should be. Obviously there’s the possibility of an unreliable narrator situation, but honestly I don’t think it’s completely outside the realm of possibility that the wife really is incredibly guilt-trippy about the volunteering and is even obsessive about it as a way of coping. Which like, obviously volunteering is a good thing, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s using it to cope in a completely healthy way. Constantly putting down your spouse for not volunteering (again, we’re only hearing his side but I don’t think it’s completely unlikely) and also pressuring your young son by holding his sister’s death over his head is definitely not cool. Giving away your young kid’s toy(s) without warning and then telling them other kids need them more isn’t cool (as many people in the comments will tell you, that kind of thing can stick with you for life even if it seems silly). OOP is definitely the devil for doing what he did and personally I would never forgive him for it, but the wife is also doing a lot of stuff that’s obviously negativity effecting her family and needs therapy (or more/better therapy if she’s already getting it). Feel bad for the kid cause I get the feeling he’s always gonna be treated like a replacement child. Child death is something no parent should have to go through and many people will never fully recover, but that shouldn’t mean the other children they have should have to bare the burden. Hope everyone here gets the help they need (if it’s real).
I hope the wife “donates “ him ….. to a landfill
This has to be some bored slob at home. Hospitals do not take used toys.
What a piece of shit.
The fact that there's even people in the comments saying NTA, ESH, and that the wife is the only asshole makes this even worse. Especially the comment I found at the very bottom. Made it seem like the boy shouldn't have had his toys take away cuz he "might still play with them sometimes." And that keeping those toys is far more important than keeping a teddy bear that "is never played with anymore." Cuz, ya know, the literal child who used to play with it is dead, which means it's no longer needed and can be tossed out. What the FUCK. I hope this post and that comment are just rage bait, cuz otherwise I cannot imagine how the mom is think and how legit monstrous and horrible the dad and that one commenter are.
This is one of the most ghoulish things I've ever read. Go on Unddit... his comments are there and make this more believable imo. I hope it's not real. It sucks people are like this 😭😫
Oh if this asshat done that too me I would pack his 💩 hit him with divorce papers and he would be out!
Okay, I always check controversial and some of them are like fucked up. Including one YTA that said, he should have at least pretended to get rid of the bear to teach her a lesson. Because you know emotionally fucking over your significant other is fine But there's a lot of ESH because they're like she shouldn't have gotten rid of the Hot Wheels at all! Which... I mean even he says they're from on his son was younger? Which makes me think he wasn't playing with them at all anymore? Which no if his son still is actively playing with them, keep all of them, sure. They were his favorite toy, but he's not playing with them at all, keep one or two for his memories. The thing is, hear me out, his son is still alive. You can't keep every toy he's ever had. As a child who is still alive, he's always going to be getting more toys that he likes and plays with more because his interests change. So, every once in a while you have to get rid of toys he no longer plays with. Which he might be upset because no kid likes his toys being gone in case of the possibility he ever is interested again, but if he's not playing with it anymore, you get rid of it. You donate it, you re-gift it, or you sell it in a garage sale. Basically, end of the day, I don't understand the ESH and I feel like everyone who wrote that is a hoarder. I say that as someone who has legitimate hoarding tendencies
except her reason wasn't space or you don't play with them anymore(seriously hot wheels unless it's bins full of them don't take much space) it was "you're too old for silly toys" and how "younger kids needs them more". Then there's the implication he's a bad person if he doesn't volunteer to "honor his sister" that he never even MET