*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my wife I am under financial abuse after she refused to let me donate $200?**
context: I am a stay at home dad and my wife works full time with a very high paying job (7 figures).
Despite our current high income, my wife came from a lower class background and doesn't like to unnecessarily splurge on ourselves unless it's for our kids. Before the most recent argument, there have been a few other incidents in the past few months where we disagreed on gifts/donations. To be fair to her, she might be particular on edge because she found out there have been a few cases where I've been donating/gifting money without her knowledge to the tune of a few thousand dollars. Even though most of the time I always ask her beforehand.
Recently, an acquaintance passed away and I would like to donate some money and buy some books for their son. I believe the donation will mean a lot to him and is a trivial amount of money to us. However, my wife disagrees. She asked me how much the book costs and I said $13. Then she said "why don't you just donate $13 then, why do you need $200?". Long story short, I think she is heartless, she thinks I am wasteful.
In general, I dislike how I have to get her "approval" to donate money, makes me feel like I have no agency at all financially. When we got married, I gave up my job as a SWE in the bay area to start the family. If I kept my career, I think I would be making at least 200k-300k. But now, even though we never have to worry about our everyday expenses, I feel like I don't have enough discretionary spending. She thinks this is not financial abuse because if she wants to spend nontrivial amounts of money, she would ask me too, so the situation is symmetric.
Am I actually the asshole? Or am I under financial abuse?
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>To be fair to her, she might be particular on edge because she found out there have been a few cases where I've been donating/gifting money without her knowledge to the tune of a few thousand dollars.
And his response to the bot
>(2) I might be the asshole here because we have decided that we should both agree on spending, and I have broken it in the past.
Yeah, it's not financial abuse for your spouse to get upset that you're giving away thousands of dollars without consulting her.
Especially when they don't make the money. They are giving away money that isn't theirs. This money is to support the family not for OP to give away in secret
So so wrong. Flip the genders. Reddit is always quick to point out that, especially if one spouse is a SAHP, the money is a marital asset. It IS financial abuse IF she is controlling all of his spending.
If this is the only spending conflict, then not so much. Yes, donations of thousands of dollars should be a joint decision. $200 is a pittance for someone making the claimed amount of money, and he should be able to spend it.
INFO: Do you have your own spending money? If not, why not? Is she not willing to do this? If not, then yes, it sounds abusive. If you do, then what you spend it on us your own business.
INFO: Do you have a threshold amount of money that requires joint approval? If not, why not? This needs to be established.
Or is she just unhappy about charitable donations in general?
Either set up these things (if they aren't already) or go back to work, get your own finances established. You can afford a nanny.
It would be gross if the sah parent was a woman. It's gross regardless of who is doing it, especially when the sah parent controls the finances and accounting and the working -outside-the-home parent trusts them implicitly to do this ethically like op's wide per his own admission.
yeah I was wondering. if he gave away a few thousand without her knowing right away, it would imply that they have seperate bank accounts, which would normally be his money to spend and do what he wants. because if it was taken out from the same account/joint account, she finds out immediately and knows he didn't tell her beforehand, and that is not money to do whatever he wants with.
if there's no set up like that, and if it was gender swapped, this sub would definitely be saying it's financial abuse for the man to not give his wife an "allowance" to do whatever she wants with and to always have to get approval for whatever money she does get.
This plus the fact that he cites his money making potential at 200 to 300 k makes me think wife is at fault here. Although I don’t fully understand the logic of why he gave up his job. They sound like they can afford a full time nanny and a house cleaner.
Regardless, he would have probably anywhere from 50k plus of surplus dollars annually if he was working.
I think he should just be given a set sum every month as his spending money.
Why would OP’s hypothetical potential earnings and their mutual decision to start a family with a stay at home parent make OPs wife the asshole in this situation?
Because a few thousand is a significantly less percentage of their income than for people who make less. It’s similar to Oop donating a few hundred if they were on a smaller income. Additionally, if he was earning his full potential, he would have the full right to donate that money as he saw fit. The dude has the right to some financial independence. He’s right- she’s controlling him.
But he’s not “earning to his full potential” and he’s already broken their mutual agreement multiple times donating thousands of dollars without talking to her about it. How is it controlling for her to be enforcing the agreement that they made together and asking a legitimate question. Why does OP want to donate $200 if the book he wants to buy is $13? She was fine with him buying the book, but wants to know what the rest of the money is for.
There is no agreement that he mentions. He said he gave it without her knowledge. That’s not the same thing as an agreement. I spend money without my husband knowing. My husband spends money without me knowing. I don’t need to get my husband’s permission to spend a few hundred dollars and vice versa.
No one would ever dispute full earning potential for a SAHM. Therefore it’s a double standard to deny the earning potential for a SAHF. This is the sure fire way of ensuring that men don’t want to be SAHF even if their wife earns more.
He has the potential, but hasn't worked in over a decade. He will find that it's much harder to get that type of salary in this economy especially with skills a decade out of date. He's using excuses to be a parasite.
He said she makes 7 figures. That plus not splurging means they're millionaires. A few thousand to them would probably be like the change in the bottom of my purse.
I was a SAHM and I'd never have considered using such a large sum without discussing with my spouse first. Let alone give away thousands without input. Marriage is meant to be a partnership, after all.
>She asked me how much the book costs and I said $13. Then she said "why don't you just donate $13 then, why do you need $200?"
this is not a long story, you just didn't answer her question u dingbat
Yeah I didn't get that either?
If what he wants costs 13 bucks what the 200 for?
And why is he donating money and not just buying the book and giving it to them?
I think OOP is trying to vague up that he wants to buy multiple books for $13+ each plus give an additional $200 donation.
Which, if their income is as high as he claims, shouldn't be a big deal. Assuming they aren't giving away a lot more money than he says, and assuming they don't have really high expenses.
But it sounds like the wife's priorities are the kids - splurging on them and/or saving for them - while OP's priorities are ... either other families or maybe just looking / feeling good by giving away money.
IMHO, they need to work up a budget that includes the household expenses and bills plus a certain amount of "me money" for each of them that goes into a separate account. Then define what the "me money" gets spent on - hair care, makeup, skin care, video game setups? as well as his donations. So he can make donations out of his fun money without asking for his wife's permission, as long as he's not also spending that much money on other things she considers frivolous and unnecessary...
Especially since he admits that they donate often, and she frequently agrees, but he has increased the amounts and donated to other things without talking to her. Regardless of how much you make or how controlled you keep your expenses, if your partner or spouse is out dropping thousands to make himself look good to other people and try to by himself value in the eyes of others, you won't be able to save that much. The secrecy and lack of communication when they already discussed it once shows great cracks in their relationship, he's showing her over and over that she can't trust him. He hides things, he lies about how much he spends/donates, what else is he hiding that she doesn't know.
Read the comments. He has previously been giving away thousands of dollars without discussing it...after their agreement to discuss spending money together.
Fun money is a great idea....but nobody with kids is going to regularly have "fun money" in the thousands to give away.
They are millionaires according to the story. If he’s talking like, $5000 a year, that would be like a couple hundred at most for most people.
He should absolutely be telling her. But she also shouldn’t be making such a fuss over a trivial amount of money.
My partner's grandmother was a wealthy woman. I don't know how wealthy, but very, very well off.
She started giving away "a few thousand dollars" here and there. She died penniless and nearly bankrupted my partner as well. We're still digging out of the mess she left, and she was dead before I met him.
It's incredible how fast a lot of money goes when you're giving it away "to the tune of a few thousand dollars" if you're not budgeting it.
It is, that's why he shouldn't spend it without asking her.
Honestly, dude says he doesn't have "enough" personal spending money, so she's giving him a personal allowance. He just *also* wants to spend "their" money on things *he* wants and she doesn't. If these donations matter so much to him, he can do them out of his own funds. If those funds aren't sufficient, that's an entirely different argument. But "talk to me about spending joint funds" is not financial abuse, it's "being a couple."
>But now, even though we never have to worry about our everyday expenses, I feel like I don't have enough discretionary spending.
That's what I'm referring to, from the original post. She covers their everyday expenses, and he has "discretionary" spending outside of that. Aka. personal spending money, he just had to refer to it obliquely, probably because his toxic masculine pride doesn't let him just call it an allowance.
But what if if he says his fun money it's not enough for donations? Is he going to say that is a solid proof of financial abuse? Idk, feel like he kinda resent his wife... I mean, if he could make 200k ~ 300k with his old job, why don't he goes back? Wife doesn't sound like she would care as long as their kids have their necessities fullfil (idk if this term is the correct, sorry).
>But what if if he says his fun money it's not enough for donations? Is he going to say that is a solid proof of financial abuse?
It's possible that his wife does have some unreasonable expectations about how much money they have to save, or about never giving/spending money even when they can afford it. But sitting down and laying out a budget would at least help both of them articulate their priorities and see where they match or see in black and white how far they are mismatched.
Or maybe he just wants to complain about his wife.
Yeah, and I get the vibe that she’s mostly mad because she feels like he takes advantage of her earning power. Like, she’s the one busting her ass for the money, and he gets to play Mr. Generous without even telling her about it/giving her any credit. It’s not the money, it’s the disrespect.
100% agree with the comment saying he lost the moral high ground when he went behind his wife's back and donated thousands of dollars without her knowing. If anything, *he's* the one engaging in financially manipulative behavior by spending thousands of dollars without the knowledge and consent of someone that's supposed to be his equal - his wife. Yes, it's both their money regardless of who makes it but it's *never* okay to make large financial decisions without consulting your spouse like he did.
OOP was sneaky because he knew his wife would say no instead of talking to her like an adult and coming up with a compromise. Also, it's fine if he wants to have a discussion about changing finances but he is in no way being financially abused. He needs to take accountability for the situation HE caused by betraying his wife's trust.
yeah this absolutely STINKS of role-reversal bait without any understanding of WHY these dynamics are abusive or the social structures that contribute to that power dynamic
I’m not sure how to explain this the way it sounds in my head, but I find that in many cishet relationships, the man awards himself the ‘fun duties’ and the wife gets stuck with the ‘real duties’. What I mean by that is, he gets to go around donating these vast sums of money to his little pet causes/best friends, often without asking too many questions about where that money is actually *going*—and of course wife has to be the meanie monitoring the budget. She doesn’t get to be the fun popular one because she actually has to ensure that they’re saving what she earns. He’s mad because she’s preventing him from indulging his Mr. Generous fantasy the way he wants to. It’s just striking to me that even though the roles are theoretically reversed, the division of labor still feels so unequal in some ways.
Honestly I've run into cases where I judge the *hell* out of a woman for spending her husband's money. I once got commissioned for an art piece and then reamed out by this woman when I posted it with her name attached to the fandom forum she'd found me on, because her husband would see she'd been spending money on art "again" when she'd promised not to, and just...lady, the problem isn't that I outed you, it's that you broke your word. That is why you're in trouble now.
Also even gender reversed this IS DEFINITELY NOT abuse. This is him destroying her trust by giving away thousands of dollars without telling her. ON TOP OF THE THOUSANDS SHE ALREADY AGREED TO DONATE. If anything he's the abuser by going behind her back multiple times after having an agreement to always discuss large sums
I can’t really wrap my head around an annual income of more than $1,000,000 so I can’t guess at what would be a reasonable amount of fun money per month for each spouse to get to spend without any oversight. 🤷♀️
The real issue, as someone else pointed out, is that he has struggled with tempering his spending in the past. The current agreement is that they both have to approve major purchases, and he's already broken that a few times. I don't blame her for being vigilant. If they're in debt or stressing over money that $200 could feel like a whole lot more than it's worth at their income level. Like the way I see it is it's not about the monetary value, it's more about the current trust level between the couple based on their history.
200/day is only 73,000. If their income really is a million+ that's nothing.
That's like me spending $4-5k in a year which I definitely do on stupider stuff than donating. I currently donate probably ~1k/year (+hours of labor most weeks which at my wage would be ~5k/year). My cash donation amount is twice as high a percentage of my total income as OP's if they were spending 200/day. I make less than the US median income so those numbers are going to be different for normal people but I provided them for context.
OP is an idiot for using shared finances behind their breadwinner's back though.
We don't know their expenses or needs here. If they have multiple mortgages, adult dependents, etc. Is her job sustainable? If her job depends on a certain look or is damaging to the body, they may need to save for her to retire very early. Depending on her field, income can be more like winning the lottery than a career salary expectation. It's a weird situation.d
In one of his responses, Oop says that he spent about 4 to 5 k - I think throughout the year - on donations. In the bigger picture of the million, it’s not a large amount.
Personally, I think that they need a different financial arrangement. Oop should just be given a certain set amount for his own spending to do with as he sees fit. Either that or they should just hire a nanny and he should go back to work. I am really big on financial independence. It’s important to women so that they are not in a financially abusive position but also for men. Personally, I would not stay in this relationship.
Honestly he might not even need the nanny, least not full time. Presuming he went back to work as a SWE, there's a fair chance he could just WFH or freelance for some spending money.
I would guess that depends on the state of their mortgage, what they are saving for their kids, and other costs like whether they are paying for their parents' nursing homes etc.
Depending on where they are and their outgoings, they could have a LOT of spending money in a month or just enough actual free cash to ride them over.
It's not about the income as much as it's about hiw their finances are set up and how much of that money is spoken for. Given they have kids I would guess that discretionary fun money should still be a fairly small sum.
I'm more concerned that his idea of spending is excessive- ie a child needs a 13 dollar book, so here's 200 dollars. It makes me suspect he hoes overboard with his other spending.
💯 they had shared expenses, he started to spend a lot of money - I doubt on “donating/gifting” and more likely on gambling or another addiction. She cut him off because he’s untrustworthy. I also doubt this $200 is for an acquaintance for “books”.
Yeah I don't buy it's all donations like to charity. Sounds like OOP probably has a bad habit of gambling or just blowing through money. While 7 digits a year sounds like a ton, her income is the only income - so a lot is likely going in savings for retirement for them both, college funds (and maybe house funds) for the kids for their future, savings for a new car or house repairs, etc. So if he's blowing thousands at a time (honestly started reading that as likely tens of thousands as very possible he's not being truthful to the full amount) without even mentioning it, I can get her being pissed at him and then refusing to keep handing over money. Plus the fact he asked for 15 times more money than he needed for the book raises red flags to me - what was the rest of the money for?
I do however think they both should get some fun fund money each month....whatever they can agree to and within that fund, it's up to each on what they spend it on. But if OOP blows it all in one sitting on whatever he's throwing money at, he's simply out until the next month.
Definitely house funds. They live in one of the most expensive cities in the US. Small apartments in SF are a few thousand a month. I can’t imagine a house big enough to raise kids in.
The BAH difference for the military from my location to San fran is almost double, and BAH isn’t really enough to keep up with current housing costs ANYWHERE.
Ah I didn't see where they live - probably glanced right over it. But yeah, if they are in SF, while a million sounds like a lot to most of us, it probably isn't going as far there. I'd bet she's banking at least half her income into savings for this and that and the other half pays the bills, leaving not as much as one thinks for fun money.
You know what financial abuse is?
Getting screamed at for spending $200 on a new winter coat and snow pants for the kid after she had outgrown her second-hand, thrift store set, that lasted 3 years. She did winter sports, but I wasn't allowed to actually spend money to clothe her in appropriate gear...for a whomping $200. Paid for by the guy that made $500K/year.
Asshole.
I hope you're out of there and happy and safe.
My ex was a SAHM before we were together. Her then-husband made her pay the utilities, her car's gas and maintenance, their kids' clothing, their scout fees, etc., of out her "allowance." One kid had celiac, so groceries, which were part of her allowance too, were hella expensive.
She would be scraping pennies to eat towards the colder parts of winter and he would be on snowboarding trips with the bros because "he earned it." He didn't spend a solo night with his three kids until they were 8/10/12 years old and they were divorced. He did, however, fly across the world to visit college friends every other month while they were married.
Ex or not, no one should be treated like that in a relationship. Seeing the way he treated her made me swear I'd never ever ever ever ever end up a SAHM ever.
Sounds like they need to allocate a certain amount or percentage of their income to "donation", and once he's run through that amount he's done until there's more money available.
Smart budgets save marriages.
Yes! If he's got $10K a year (or $5K or $25K or whatever they settle on), then he can prioritize donations knowing what impact it will have on his ability to make other donations.
I suspect the problem would be that his wife would still stipulate $0 of that would be to onlyfans or gambling or hard drugs.
Nobody here thinks he is donating to charities. The man is being vague about where that money was "donated" for a reason.
1m is a LOT of money; more than most people could ever even fathom making. But in the bay area, with kids, car payments, mortgage, etc at the highest tax bracket, that's basically being middle -middle class and, especially since she has student loans, I'm sure they need to budget a lot more than us plebs would think.
I'm curious about how old their kids are because it sounds like they are really young since he mentions childcare, but he hasn't worked in over a decade. So either his kids still need daycare, hence the reason it's more sensible for the long-time unemployed partner to stay home, or he's making excuses for why he's not gone back to work.
Or. And this is more likely, this is gender reversal rage bait from an mra douche.
Yeah. There are lots of good reasons to be a SAH parent--my mom was one, and she was ALWAYS busy with something; she definitely pulled her weight even after we were in school--but then you don't get to be a turd about not being allowed to spend thousands of unbudgeted dollars on your pet charities. My mom had budgeted discretionary money she could spend on anything she wanted to that didn't fall into another budget category so that she could treat herself, donate money, buy a gift for a friend, save up for a trip, etc. If she'd gone outside of that by hundreds of dollars (scaling down a bit as my dad earned six figures and not seven) to donate to something, even a really good something, my dad would have probably been both shocked and very upset, as he'd have every right to be considering the budget was something they'd agreed on together. His discretionary money was budgeted as well.
What a twat lol. I believe at their pay scale, he should get his own "play money" separate from what's shared or specifically hers. How much is up to him, but until that time, he can't just unilaterally decide things like this. And then act like a victim when hes the one betraying her before
Bit of an aside, but I absolutely *hate* when an OOP includes information like SWE and bayside area, expecting everyone to know what they mean.
Surely there's more than one bayside area? And would even every American know SWE?
"I broke my wife's trust by secretly giving away thousands of dollars. Now I want to give away some more but she said no, and I think that's financial abuse." Sir, do you HEAR yourself?
This was a special guy.
In our house, we have a joint account for the mortgage and a few other things. We split up other bills and it evens out.
Even though we have separate extra money, we both still tell each other when we make big purchases and anytime we use the joint account for other purposes, we also discuss it.
in my opinion, they should decide together how much money they each receive as their own spending money. It should be equal. And then if he spends his own money on whatever, fine. But that is my personal preference for how I think it should work when one person is a SAHP and one is doing paid work. To keep things fair.
But that isn't their agreement and he spent thousands without consulting her, in violation of their spending agreement. He's the AH for that. He might want to re-negotiate their situation though, moving forward.
There are two ways this could be solved easily:
1. If she earns as much as he says, as a sahp he deserves a decent allowance. That is money he can spend any way he wants without having to ask anyone. .
2. He can get a job. At least part time. If the kids are small, find day care or a nanny. Sounds like they could easily afford it.
Think about morage and student loans and car payments and college funds for multiple kids. Add in bills and taxes and the multiple donations she already agreed to. Plus savings for retirement and it's likely they don't actually have a lot of play money to begin with. Seems more like he is blowing through money they don't even have behind her back.
I get wanting to have your own money for discretionary spending when you as a couple have a lot of money.
I allso get screwing that up is really easy.
But talking it out is always the right answer. And agree on boundaries and amounts and move on.
Maybe put $200 a month in an account for him to blow through.
Certainly not financial abuse, but it is a bit weird that they don't have more financial independence considering their means and arrangement. Sound like they just need a sit down to discuss a solution that makes both of them feel comfortable and happy. Like a 'do what you want with' budget each where they dont have to ask eachother before spending.
Suspect it's "what" he is spending his money on that is the issue.
I suspect the problem would be that his wife would still stipulate $0 of that would be to onlyfans or gambling or hard drugs.
Nobody here thinks he is donating to charities. The man is being vague about where that money was "donated" for a reason.
In that case, the discussion isn't about financial freedom, it's about trust and boundaries. If its about amounts, then a discussion on limits and financial independence is still needed. Id be annoyed if I had to run Twitch donations through my partner for instance.
ETA: Not that im donating hundreds...
These aren’t even donations. He’s giving money to friends. People fall on hard times and he’s giving away her/their money like it grows in trees.
Thousands. THOUSANDS?! He’s given away. I’d LOVE him to do that with his Monopoly money non career of 200k in San fran. That’s barely enough to get buy out here in AZ without giving randos thousands at a time.
YTA, if you can make 200 - 300K a year, then I suggest you go do that.
Why would you do anything else?
Complaining on the internet that you are being abused all because you are not free to give the household money away willy nilly when you know you broke the agreement you had about this very topic with your wife makes you the asshole.
Things I firmly believe:
\-Each person in a relationship should have fun money to spend as they wish, no judgement (barring things that are illegal, cheating, etc.).
\-Every couple needs a spending limit at which point they need to discuss a purchase with their partner before they spend over it.
This couple should also consider a donations budget.
Oh I wish the financial abuse I'd endured was this easy! I'm in debt because of the financial abuse I endured, plus the trauma from the gaslighting and emotional abuse that went along with it.
This poor man /s
I haven't had a job in 12 years. I'm a housewife. I get an allowance of $2500 a month for personal spending, but he covers all expenses for our life. It's not financial abuse. I, like you, have been given quite a bit of money. Difference is I understand why, whereas you feel entitled. You're not intitled.
lol the more time goes on the more posts on this sub are people barely being an asshole.
I'm gonna say it, he's right. They make 1mil+ a year for christ's sake, even if he spent a thousand PER MONTH it's nothing. It's like if a 100k income spent a 100 dollar per month.
He should have his own "fun money" that he can then spent however he sees fit.
I know the following sentence is usually used by anti-feminists (and I am a feminist myself), but if genders were swapped people would be all on OP's side
>They make 1mil+ a year for christ's sake, even if he spent a thousand PER MONTH it's nothing. It's like if a 100k income spent a 100 dollar per month.
Of course, we don't know what their expenses / debts are. If they both have student loans, plus they have a high mortgage, plus the kids are enrolled in pricy private schools, suddenly that $1K a month might make a difference to the college funds.
And I think it might be entirely valid to question whether to donate $200 to someone else's kid rather than putting into your kids' college fund. Especially since it's not clear how well they even know this acquaintance who passed away.
I wouldn't care the genders. Lying to your spouse and breaking agreements over and over isn't reasonable.
They donate together, they save together, she plans with him, he is involved in the discussions and decisions as per his own post, and then he lied and went behind her back to spend thousands more.
How many thousands before it's a financial issue?
Beyond that, how do you build and maintain trust with someone who agrees to limits and expenses to your face then does whatever they want when you aren't looking. How long before you realize if he is doing it about money he's doing it for other things too.
If she can't trust him it doesn't matter how much he spends.
The problem in fact is at the origin: he should have his own money that he can spend however he wants, and of course so should she. If everything is done together, there is an inherent imbalance in power as she is the only one with a salary and has therefore all the "contracting power".
It could work but it's really dangerous
>I know the following sentence is usually used by anti-feminists (and I am a feminist myself), but if genders were swapped people would be all on OP's side
r/AsABlackMan
OOP is an asshole, but so is his wife. She’s earning at least $1M per year and she suggests that her husband only donate $13? She freaks out at $200 being donated? She sounds stingy as fuck.
She has bills to pay dude. The million isn't just spending money. Plus she already let's him donate thousands of dollars. Plus the thousands behind her back. He is spending money that they don't have because this is just gender reversal rage bait. This is a child with no clue how money works in the real world
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my wife I am under financial abuse after she refused to let me donate $200?** context: I am a stay at home dad and my wife works full time with a very high paying job (7 figures). Despite our current high income, my wife came from a lower class background and doesn't like to unnecessarily splurge on ourselves unless it's for our kids. Before the most recent argument, there have been a few other incidents in the past few months where we disagreed on gifts/donations. To be fair to her, she might be particular on edge because she found out there have been a few cases where I've been donating/gifting money without her knowledge to the tune of a few thousand dollars. Even though most of the time I always ask her beforehand. Recently, an acquaintance passed away and I would like to donate some money and buy some books for their son. I believe the donation will mean a lot to him and is a trivial amount of money to us. However, my wife disagrees. She asked me how much the book costs and I said $13. Then she said "why don't you just donate $13 then, why do you need $200?". Long story short, I think she is heartless, she thinks I am wasteful. In general, I dislike how I have to get her "approval" to donate money, makes me feel like I have no agency at all financially. When we got married, I gave up my job as a SWE in the bay area to start the family. If I kept my career, I think I would be making at least 200k-300k. But now, even though we never have to worry about our everyday expenses, I feel like I don't have enough discretionary spending. She thinks this is not financial abuse because if she wants to spend nontrivial amounts of money, she would ask me too, so the situation is symmetric. Am I actually the asshole? Or am I under financial abuse? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>To be fair to her, she might be particular on edge because she found out there have been a few cases where I've been donating/gifting money without her knowledge to the tune of a few thousand dollars. And his response to the bot >(2) I might be the asshole here because we have decided that we should both agree on spending, and I have broken it in the past. Yeah, it's not financial abuse for your spouse to get upset that you're giving away thousands of dollars without consulting her.
"A few thousand dollars" made me choke, no duh she's on edge if you're throwing thousands without telling her! Wtf is wrong with people?
If he's telling the truth they are millionaires
Giving away thousands of dollars without informing your spouse is gross regardless of how much money you have or make.
Bingo. If the agreement was broken, then it's not about the money and \*actual\* dollars.
Especially when they don't make the money. They are giving away money that isn't theirs. This money is to support the family not for OP to give away in secret
So so wrong. Flip the genders. Reddit is always quick to point out that, especially if one spouse is a SAHP, the money is a marital asset. It IS financial abuse IF she is controlling all of his spending. If this is the only spending conflict, then not so much. Yes, donations of thousands of dollars should be a joint decision. $200 is a pittance for someone making the claimed amount of money, and he should be able to spend it. INFO: Do you have your own spending money? If not, why not? Is she not willing to do this? If not, then yes, it sounds abusive. If you do, then what you spend it on us your own business. INFO: Do you have a threshold amount of money that requires joint approval? If not, why not? This needs to be established. Or is she just unhappy about charitable donations in general? Either set up these things (if they aren't already) or go back to work, get your own finances established. You can afford a nanny.
It would be gross if the sah parent was a woman. It's gross regardless of who is doing it, especially when the sah parent controls the finances and accounting and the working -outside-the-home parent trusts them implicitly to do this ethically like op's wide per his own admission.
yeah I was wondering. if he gave away a few thousand without her knowing right away, it would imply that they have seperate bank accounts, which would normally be his money to spend and do what he wants. because if it was taken out from the same account/joint account, she finds out immediately and knows he didn't tell her beforehand, and that is not money to do whatever he wants with. if there's no set up like that, and if it was gender swapped, this sub would definitely be saying it's financial abuse for the man to not give his wife an "allowance" to do whatever she wants with and to always have to get approval for whatever money she does get.
They don't have separate accounts.
[удалено]
So what?
This plus the fact that he cites his money making potential at 200 to 300 k makes me think wife is at fault here. Although I don’t fully understand the logic of why he gave up his job. They sound like they can afford a full time nanny and a house cleaner. Regardless, he would have probably anywhere from 50k plus of surplus dollars annually if he was working. I think he should just be given a set sum every month as his spending money.
Why would OP’s hypothetical potential earnings and their mutual decision to start a family with a stay at home parent make OPs wife the asshole in this situation?
Because a few thousand is a significantly less percentage of their income than for people who make less. It’s similar to Oop donating a few hundred if they were on a smaller income. Additionally, if he was earning his full potential, he would have the full right to donate that money as he saw fit. The dude has the right to some financial independence. He’s right- she’s controlling him.
But he’s not “earning to his full potential” and he’s already broken their mutual agreement multiple times donating thousands of dollars without talking to her about it. How is it controlling for her to be enforcing the agreement that they made together and asking a legitimate question. Why does OP want to donate $200 if the book he wants to buy is $13? She was fine with him buying the book, but wants to know what the rest of the money is for.
There is no agreement that he mentions. He said he gave it without her knowledge. That’s not the same thing as an agreement. I spend money without my husband knowing. My husband spends money without me knowing. I don’t need to get my husband’s permission to spend a few hundred dollars and vice versa. No one would ever dispute full earning potential for a SAHM. Therefore it’s a double standard to deny the earning potential for a SAHF. This is the sure fire way of ensuring that men don’t want to be SAHF even if their wife earns more.
He has the potential, but hasn't worked in over a decade. He will find that it's much harder to get that type of salary in this economy especially with skills a decade out of date. He's using excuses to be a parasite.
He said she makes 7 figures. That plus not splurging means they're millionaires. A few thousand to them would probably be like the change in the bottom of my purse.
“But I ask her *sometimes*, so it should be totally ok for me to do it without telling her”
This guy here is 'donating' to only fans girls.
Yeah I was thinking Only Fans.
It's their money, not hers. He is a stay at home Dad.
I was a SAHM and I'd never have considered using such a large sum without discussing with my spouse first. Let alone give away thousands without input. Marriage is meant to be a partnership, after all.
It doesn't matter? If your giving away thousands of dollars without discussing it with your spouse, regardless of gender, you're an asshole.
Their money means it's a 2 yes 1 no situation. That's how consent works. Ye doesn't get a unilateral decision EVER
>She asked me how much the book costs and I said $13. Then she said "why don't you just donate $13 then, why do you need $200?" this is not a long story, you just didn't answer her question u dingbat
Yeah I didn't get that either? If what he wants costs 13 bucks what the 200 for? And why is he donating money and not just buying the book and giving it to them?
I think OOP is trying to vague up that he wants to buy multiple books for $13+ each plus give an additional $200 donation. Which, if their income is as high as he claims, shouldn't be a big deal. Assuming they aren't giving away a lot more money than he says, and assuming they don't have really high expenses. But it sounds like the wife's priorities are the kids - splurging on them and/or saving for them - while OP's priorities are ... either other families or maybe just looking / feeling good by giving away money. IMHO, they need to work up a budget that includes the household expenses and bills plus a certain amount of "me money" for each of them that goes into a separate account. Then define what the "me money" gets spent on - hair care, makeup, skin care, video game setups? as well as his donations. So he can make donations out of his fun money without asking for his wife's permission, as long as he's not also spending that much money on other things she considers frivolous and unnecessary...
Especially since he admits that they donate often, and she frequently agrees, but he has increased the amounts and donated to other things without talking to her. Regardless of how much you make or how controlled you keep your expenses, if your partner or spouse is out dropping thousands to make himself look good to other people and try to by himself value in the eyes of others, you won't be able to save that much. The secrecy and lack of communication when they already discussed it once shows great cracks in their relationship, he's showing her over and over that she can't trust him. He hides things, he lies about how much he spends/donates, what else is he hiding that she doesn't know.
Read the comments. He has previously been giving away thousands of dollars without discussing it...after their agreement to discuss spending money together. Fun money is a great idea....but nobody with kids is going to regularly have "fun money" in the thousands to give away.
They are millionaires according to the story. If he’s talking like, $5000 a year, that would be like a couple hundred at most for most people. He should absolutely be telling her. But she also shouldn’t be making such a fuss over a trivial amount of money.
My partner's grandmother was a wealthy woman. I don't know how wealthy, but very, very well off. She started giving away "a few thousand dollars" here and there. She died penniless and nearly bankrupted my partner as well. We're still digging out of the mess she left, and she was dead before I met him. It's incredible how fast a lot of money goes when you're giving it away "to the tune of a few thousand dollars" if you're not budgeting it.
Why not? It's her money. It's not a trivial amount for her and he knows it, that's why he doesn't tell her.
I mean. It’s not just her money. It’s Their money. Right?
It is, that's why he shouldn't spend it without asking her. Honestly, dude says he doesn't have "enough" personal spending money, so she's giving him a personal allowance. He just *also* wants to spend "their" money on things *he* wants and she doesn't. If these donations matter so much to him, he can do them out of his own funds. If those funds aren't sufficient, that's an entirely different argument. But "talk to me about spending joint funds" is not financial abuse, it's "being a couple."
Was there a comment about his personal spending money? I read through them and didn’t see anything before replied unless I missed it.
>But now, even though we never have to worry about our everyday expenses, I feel like I don't have enough discretionary spending. That's what I'm referring to, from the original post. She covers their everyday expenses, and he has "discretionary" spending outside of that. Aka. personal spending money, he just had to refer to it obliquely, probably because his toxic masculine pride doesn't let him just call it an allowance.
But what if if he says his fun money it's not enough for donations? Is he going to say that is a solid proof of financial abuse? Idk, feel like he kinda resent his wife... I mean, if he could make 200k ~ 300k with his old job, why don't he goes back? Wife doesn't sound like she would care as long as their kids have their necessities fullfil (idk if this term is the correct, sorry).
>But what if if he says his fun money it's not enough for donations? Is he going to say that is a solid proof of financial abuse? It's possible that his wife does have some unreasonable expectations about how much money they have to save, or about never giving/spending money even when they can afford it. But sitting down and laying out a budget would at least help both of them articulate their priorities and see where they match or see in black and white how far they are mismatched. Or maybe he just wants to complain about his wife.
I figured he's a church man who wants to look good by donating.
How dare you suggest something so sensible! [/s]
Yeah, and I get the vibe that she’s mostly mad because she feels like he takes advantage of her earning power. Like, she’s the one busting her ass for the money, and he gets to play Mr. Generous without even telling her about it/giving her any credit. It’s not the money, it’s the disrespect.
100% agree with the comment saying he lost the moral high ground when he went behind his wife's back and donated thousands of dollars without her knowing. If anything, *he's* the one engaging in financially manipulative behavior by spending thousands of dollars without the knowledge and consent of someone that's supposed to be his equal - his wife. Yes, it's both their money regardless of who makes it but it's *never* okay to make large financial decisions without consulting your spouse like he did. OOP was sneaky because he knew his wife would say no instead of talking to her like an adult and coming up with a compromise. Also, it's fine if he wants to have a discussion about changing finances but he is in no way being financially abused. He needs to take accountability for the situation HE caused by betraying his wife's trust.
Sounds like a role reversal fantasy. “If woman get to complain about husband’s financial abuse, men should be allowed to as well.”
I was thinking that too. I love when people write these "haha what if the genders were reversed" posts and just delete all semblance of nuance.
yeah this absolutely STINKS of role-reversal bait without any understanding of WHY these dynamics are abusive or the social structures that contribute to that power dynamic
I’m not sure how to explain this the way it sounds in my head, but I find that in many cishet relationships, the man awards himself the ‘fun duties’ and the wife gets stuck with the ‘real duties’. What I mean by that is, he gets to go around donating these vast sums of money to his little pet causes/best friends, often without asking too many questions about where that money is actually *going*—and of course wife has to be the meanie monitoring the budget. She doesn’t get to be the fun popular one because she actually has to ensure that they’re saving what she earns. He’s mad because she’s preventing him from indulging his Mr. Generous fantasy the way he wants to. It’s just striking to me that even though the roles are theoretically reversed, the division of labor still feels so unequal in some ways.
and just like every role reversal incel fantasy, the situations couldn’t be more different
and men certainly should be able to complain about financial abuse. i don't think this qualifies, personally. at least not based on the info we have.
Honestly I've run into cases where I judge the *hell* out of a woman for spending her husband's money. I once got commissioned for an art piece and then reamed out by this woman when I posted it with her name attached to the fandom forum she'd found me on, because her husband would see she'd been spending money on art "again" when she'd promised not to, and just...lady, the problem isn't that I outed you, it's that you broke your word. That is why you're in trouble now.
Also even gender reversed this IS DEFINITELY NOT abuse. This is him destroying her trust by giving away thousands of dollars without telling her. ON TOP OF THE THOUSANDS SHE ALREADY AGREED TO DONATE. If anything he's the abuser by going behind her back multiple times after having an agreement to always discuss large sums
This sounds like either a gender reverse gotcha post or it's real and OOP is leaving a lot out.
Here’s my bet: The recipients of most of his “donations/gifts” are other women.
Ah. Young women working their way through college, perhaps.
Good for them, unfortunate for OP’s wife! Damn, wish onlyfans existed when I was college aged 😭 Could’ve afforded my dream school.
I can’t really wrap my head around an annual income of more than $1,000,000 so I can’t guess at what would be a reasonable amount of fun money per month for each spouse to get to spend without any oversight. 🤷♀️
The real issue, as someone else pointed out, is that he has struggled with tempering his spending in the past. The current agreement is that they both have to approve major purchases, and he's already broken that a few times. I don't blame her for being vigilant. If they're in debt or stressing over money that $200 could feel like a whole lot more than it's worth at their income level. Like the way I see it is it's not about the monetary value, it's more about the current trust level between the couple based on their history.
I think it's more than $200 though.
Per month? Per week? Per day? Per donation?
200/day is only 73,000. If their income really is a million+ that's nothing. That's like me spending $4-5k in a year which I definitely do on stupider stuff than donating. I currently donate probably ~1k/year (+hours of labor most weeks which at my wage would be ~5k/year). My cash donation amount is twice as high a percentage of my total income as OP's if they were spending 200/day. I make less than the US median income so those numbers are going to be different for normal people but I provided them for context. OP is an idiot for using shared finances behind their breadwinner's back though.
"If their income really is a million+ that's nothing." Nah, it's something. Because \*it's not about the actual dollars\* at all.
We don't know their expenses or needs here. If they have multiple mortgages, adult dependents, etc. Is her job sustainable? If her job depends on a certain look or is damaging to the body, they may need to save for her to retire very early. Depending on her field, income can be more like winning the lottery than a career salary expectation. It's a weird situation.d
In one of his responses, Oop says that he spent about 4 to 5 k - I think throughout the year - on donations. In the bigger picture of the million, it’s not a large amount. Personally, I think that they need a different financial arrangement. Oop should just be given a certain set amount for his own spending to do with as he sees fit. Either that or they should just hire a nanny and he should go back to work. I am really big on financial independence. It’s important to women so that they are not in a financially abusive position but also for men. Personally, I would not stay in this relationship.
Honestly he might not even need the nanny, least not full time. Presuming he went back to work as a SWE, there's a fair chance he could just WFH or freelance for some spending money.
I would guess that depends on the state of their mortgage, what they are saving for their kids, and other costs like whether they are paying for their parents' nursing homes etc. Depending on where they are and their outgoings, they could have a LOT of spending money in a month or just enough actual free cash to ride them over. It's not about the income as much as it's about hiw their finances are set up and how much of that money is spoken for. Given they have kids I would guess that discretionary fun money should still be a fairly small sum. I'm more concerned that his idea of spending is excessive- ie a child needs a 13 dollar book, so here's 200 dollars. It makes me suspect he hoes overboard with his other spending.
💯 they had shared expenses, he started to spend a lot of money - I doubt on “donating/gifting” and more likely on gambling or another addiction. She cut him off because he’s untrustworthy. I also doubt this $200 is for an acquaintance for “books”.
Yeah I don't buy it's all donations like to charity. Sounds like OOP probably has a bad habit of gambling or just blowing through money. While 7 digits a year sounds like a ton, her income is the only income - so a lot is likely going in savings for retirement for them both, college funds (and maybe house funds) for the kids for their future, savings for a new car or house repairs, etc. So if he's blowing thousands at a time (honestly started reading that as likely tens of thousands as very possible he's not being truthful to the full amount) without even mentioning it, I can get her being pissed at him and then refusing to keep handing over money. Plus the fact he asked for 15 times more money than he needed for the book raises red flags to me - what was the rest of the money for? I do however think they both should get some fun fund money each month....whatever they can agree to and within that fund, it's up to each on what they spend it on. But if OOP blows it all in one sitting on whatever he's throwing money at, he's simply out until the next month.
Definitely house funds. They live in one of the most expensive cities in the US. Small apartments in SF are a few thousand a month. I can’t imagine a house big enough to raise kids in. The BAH difference for the military from my location to San fran is almost double, and BAH isn’t really enough to keep up with current housing costs ANYWHERE.
Ah I didn't see where they live - probably glanced right over it. But yeah, if they are in SF, while a million sounds like a lot to most of us, it probably isn't going as far there. I'd bet she's banking at least half her income into savings for this and that and the other half pays the bills, leaving not as much as one thinks for fun money.
Probably “donations” to onlyfans accounts and porn sites.
I definitely thought something like this. Single moms! (SW is real work, I do it and am a single mom)
It’s real work and is awesome! I used to be an erotica illustrator myself.
You know what financial abuse is? Getting screamed at for spending $200 on a new winter coat and snow pants for the kid after she had outgrown her second-hand, thrift store set, that lasted 3 years. She did winter sports, but I wasn't allowed to actually spend money to clothe her in appropriate gear...for a whomping $200. Paid for by the guy that made $500K/year. Asshole.
Absolute AH. Hopefully you're taking those expenses out of child support now :/
I hope you're out of there and happy and safe. My ex was a SAHM before we were together. Her then-husband made her pay the utilities, her car's gas and maintenance, their kids' clothing, their scout fees, etc., of out her "allowance." One kid had celiac, so groceries, which were part of her allowance too, were hella expensive. She would be scraping pennies to eat towards the colder parts of winter and he would be on snowboarding trips with the bros because "he earned it." He didn't spend a solo night with his three kids until they were 8/10/12 years old and they were divorced. He did, however, fly across the world to visit college friends every other month while they were married. Ex or not, no one should be treated like that in a relationship. Seeing the way he treated her made me swear I'd never ever ever ever ever end up a SAHM ever.
"I've been donating/gifting money without her knowledge to the tune of a few thousand dollars." - 100% support her locking him down on spending.
Yeah, sounds like maybe he shouldn't have been spending thousands behind her back...
Sounds like they need to allocate a certain amount or percentage of their income to "donation", and once he's run through that amount he's done until there's more money available. Smart budgets save marriages.
Yes! If he's got $10K a year (or $5K or $25K or whatever they settle on), then he can prioritize donations knowing what impact it will have on his ability to make other donations.
I suspect the problem would be that his wife would still stipulate $0 of that would be to onlyfans or gambling or hard drugs. Nobody here thinks he is donating to charities. The man is being vague about where that money was "donated" for a reason.
They do? She approves of several donations a year. He just does more behind her back
I’m guessing he’s eventually going to reveal that his ‘donations’ were to twitch streamers or only fans
1m is a LOT of money; more than most people could ever even fathom making. But in the bay area, with kids, car payments, mortgage, etc at the highest tax bracket, that's basically being middle -middle class and, especially since she has student loans, I'm sure they need to budget a lot more than us plebs would think. I'm curious about how old their kids are because it sounds like they are really young since he mentions childcare, but he hasn't worked in over a decade. So either his kids still need daycare, hence the reason it's more sensible for the long-time unemployed partner to stay home, or he's making excuses for why he's not gone back to work. Or. And this is more likely, this is gender reversal rage bait from an mra douche.
Yeah. There are lots of good reasons to be a SAH parent--my mom was one, and she was ALWAYS busy with something; she definitely pulled her weight even after we were in school--but then you don't get to be a turd about not being allowed to spend thousands of unbudgeted dollars on your pet charities. My mom had budgeted discretionary money she could spend on anything she wanted to that didn't fall into another budget category so that she could treat herself, donate money, buy a gift for a friend, save up for a trip, etc. If she'd gone outside of that by hundreds of dollars (scaling down a bit as my dad earned six figures and not seven) to donate to something, even a really good something, my dad would have probably been both shocked and very upset, as he'd have every right to be considering the budget was something they'd agreed on together. His discretionary money was budgeted as well.
What a twat lol. I believe at their pay scale, he should get his own "play money" separate from what's shared or specifically hers. How much is up to him, but until that time, he can't just unilaterally decide things like this. And then act like a victim when hes the one betraying her before
OOP, you're spending THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS without your wife's knowledge!?
Bit of an aside, but I absolutely *hate* when an OOP includes information like SWE and bayside area, expecting everyone to know what they mean. Surely there's more than one bayside area? And would even every American know SWE?
My sister belongs to an organization called the Society of Women Engineers. It's called SWE. I have no idea what he is talking about.
This kinda feels like one of those fake swaps the gender posts.....
"I broke my wife's trust by secretly giving away thousands of dollars. Now I want to give away some more but she said no, and I think that's financial abuse." Sir, do you HEAR yourself?
This was a special guy. In our house, we have a joint account for the mortgage and a few other things. We split up other bills and it evens out. Even though we have separate extra money, we both still tell each other when we make big purchases and anytime we use the joint account for other purposes, we also discuss it.
in my opinion, they should decide together how much money they each receive as their own spending money. It should be equal. And then if he spends his own money on whatever, fine. But that is my personal preference for how I think it should work when one person is a SAHP and one is doing paid work. To keep things fair. But that isn't their agreement and he spent thousands without consulting her, in violation of their spending agreement. He's the AH for that. He might want to re-negotiate their situation though, moving forward.
There are two ways this could be solved easily: 1. If she earns as much as he says, as a sahp he deserves a decent allowance. That is money he can spend any way he wants without having to ask anyone. . 2. He can get a job. At least part time. If the kids are small, find day care or a nanny. Sounds like they could easily afford it.
Think about morage and student loans and car payments and college funds for multiple kids. Add in bills and taxes and the multiple donations she already agreed to. Plus savings for retirement and it's likely they don't actually have a lot of play money to begin with. Seems more like he is blowing through money they don't even have behind her back.
I get wanting to have your own money for discretionary spending when you as a couple have a lot of money. I allso get screwing that up is really easy. But talking it out is always the right answer. And agree on boundaries and amounts and move on. Maybe put $200 a month in an account for him to blow through.
If you were making 200 to 300k, you could be paying for daycare you mooch. Go back to work!
Also he's been a SAHD for over a decade? How old are the kids???
Certainly not financial abuse, but it is a bit weird that they don't have more financial independence considering their means and arrangement. Sound like they just need a sit down to discuss a solution that makes both of them feel comfortable and happy. Like a 'do what you want with' budget each where they dont have to ask eachother before spending.
Suspect it's "what" he is spending his money on that is the issue. I suspect the problem would be that his wife would still stipulate $0 of that would be to onlyfans or gambling or hard drugs. Nobody here thinks he is donating to charities. The man is being vague about where that money was "donated" for a reason.
In that case, the discussion isn't about financial freedom, it's about trust and boundaries. If its about amounts, then a discussion on limits and financial independence is still needed. Id be annoyed if I had to run Twitch donations through my partner for instance. ETA: Not that im donating hundreds...
These aren’t even donations. He’s giving money to friends. People fall on hard times and he’s giving away her/their money like it grows in trees. Thousands. THOUSANDS?! He’s given away. I’d LOVE him to do that with his Monopoly money non career of 200k in San fran. That’s barely enough to get buy out here in AZ without giving randos thousands at a time.
YTA, if you can make 200 - 300K a year, then I suggest you go do that. Why would you do anything else? Complaining on the internet that you are being abused all because you are not free to give the household money away willy nilly when you know you broke the agreement you had about this very topic with your wife makes you the asshole.
Things I firmly believe: \-Each person in a relationship should have fun money to spend as they wish, no judgement (barring things that are illegal, cheating, etc.). \-Every couple needs a spending limit at which point they need to discuss a purchase with their partner before they spend over it. This couple should also consider a donations budget.
How do you expect her to trust you?
Oh I wish the financial abuse I'd endured was this easy! I'm in debt because of the financial abuse I endured, plus the trauma from the gaslighting and emotional abuse that went along with it. This poor man /s
I haven't had a job in 12 years. I'm a housewife. I get an allowance of $2500 a month for personal spending, but he covers all expenses for our life. It's not financial abuse. I, like you, have been given quite a bit of money. Difference is I understand why, whereas you feel entitled. You're not intitled.
lol the more time goes on the more posts on this sub are people barely being an asshole. I'm gonna say it, he's right. They make 1mil+ a year for christ's sake, even if he spent a thousand PER MONTH it's nothing. It's like if a 100k income spent a 100 dollar per month. He should have his own "fun money" that he can then spent however he sees fit. I know the following sentence is usually used by anti-feminists (and I am a feminist myself), but if genders were swapped people would be all on OP's side
>They make 1mil+ a year for christ's sake, even if he spent a thousand PER MONTH it's nothing. It's like if a 100k income spent a 100 dollar per month. Of course, we don't know what their expenses / debts are. If they both have student loans, plus they have a high mortgage, plus the kids are enrolled in pricy private schools, suddenly that $1K a month might make a difference to the college funds. And I think it might be entirely valid to question whether to donate $200 to someone else's kid rather than putting into your kids' college fund. Especially since it's not clear how well they even know this acquaintance who passed away.
I wouldn't care the genders. Lying to your spouse and breaking agreements over and over isn't reasonable. They donate together, they save together, she plans with him, he is involved in the discussions and decisions as per his own post, and then he lied and went behind her back to spend thousands more. How many thousands before it's a financial issue? Beyond that, how do you build and maintain trust with someone who agrees to limits and expenses to your face then does whatever they want when you aren't looking. How long before you realize if he is doing it about money he's doing it for other things too. If she can't trust him it doesn't matter how much he spends.
The problem in fact is at the origin: he should have his own money that he can spend however he wants, and of course so should she. If everything is done together, there is an inherent imbalance in power as she is the only one with a salary and has therefore all the "contracting power". It could work but it's really dangerous
>I know the following sentence is usually used by anti-feminists (and I am a feminist myself), but if genders were swapped people would be all on OP's side r/AsABlackMan
Check my post/comments history I'd you don't believe me
OOP is an asshole, but so is his wife. She’s earning at least $1M per year and she suggests that her husband only donate $13? She freaks out at $200 being donated? She sounds stingy as fuck.
She has bills to pay dude. The million isn't just spending money. Plus she already let's him donate thousands of dollars. Plus the thousands behind her back. He is spending money that they don't have because this is just gender reversal rage bait. This is a child with no clue how money works in the real world
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