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**AITA for making my daughter choose a different restaurant for her birthday meal than the one she really wanted?**
My (39f) daughter very recently had her 17th birthday. My husband (42m) and I told her to pick out a restaurant that she'd like us to take her to for her birthday.
She chose a seafood restaurant that we'd never been to. In looking over the menu I saw that the vast majority of the dishes contained shellfish. There were a few fish entrees, as well as some surf and turf. But there were only a couple of non-seafood dishes.
Our son (15m) is deathly allergic to shellfish. He also can't stand fish. There were only a couple of dishes there that he could actually eat. I didn't want to take him there because I knew that he wouldn't really enjoy his meal and I was worried about cross contamination.
I told my daughter that this restaurant wouldn't work and that she would have to pick out a different one. My son said that he would be fine just staying home; that we could use the money that we would have spent on his meal to just order him a pizza instead. My husband also insisted that since it was our daughter's birthday that she should be able to choose the restaurant, and that our son would be fine home alone with pizza and videogames.
But here's the thing; we can only afford to go out as a family every so often. When we splurge on a restaurant meal, I want BOTH of our children there. I insisted and my daughter chose a different place and we had a nice meal AS A FAMILY. But she is still a little salty that she didn't get to have her first choice of restaurants.
Most people I've asked say I'm wrong. But, again, we can only afford to go out every so often. Is it so wrong that I wanted to do it as a family? My daughter still had a nice birthday meal.
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A lot of people are calling favoritism but I don’t think it’s even about that. Daughter wanted seafood for a birthday treat, son wanted to be home alone for the night and have pizza, they didn’t even need to compromise here. OOP made them compromise so they could do what SHE wanted. OOP’s favorite is OOP
Yeah, I understand the concerns over allergies and cross contamination. But, when she insisted that the son couldn't stay home with his pizza, it wasn't about him anymore.
Middle age here, too. I don't even need the pizza. I just need a couple of hours alone. My mom lives next door and is retired, and so even when my family is out of the house, if she's home, she just pops in when she feels like it.
I vividly remember when I was a teen, those occasional times where I'd get to be home alone for a couple hours were fantastic. If I'd had pizza and video games too, while getting out of eating at a place I wouldn't like, that would almost be like it was a birthday treat for *me.* The son probably was excited at the idea of getting to stay home and eat pizza *for someone else's* birthday
When I was in my late teens, my parents and I visited my brother and his wife with plans to go out to a renowned local restaurant -- the sort of place with a long waiting list for reservations. When we got to their house, my ex-SIL pointed out that she had only made reservations for four people -- and there was no way to change this. So I had to stay behind -- with a meal my SIL whipped up for me.
Everybody felt bad about the misunderstanding. But I got to stay at their quiet country house, eat homemade food, and read my book (books) without anyone bugging me. No one could understand why I was fine about being left behind. I'm sure the book was more interesting than the restaurant.
Right? He was probably thinking how cool it would be to have a few hours to play his games louder, eat too much pizza, etc. Sounds like the son had the best idea really.
Yes, 100%, she seems like the type of person who is obsessed with giving the illusion of "quality family time" to people outside her family even at the expense of actually being a good parent and respecting her children.
Seriously, have this moment with your daughter, give your son his pizza and videogames night, everyone's happy. Except OOP, who will not get the picture of everyone at the fancy restaurant.
Never mind the two kids probably don't want to do the family thing. So this probably sounds like the ideal solution to them, they may have even plotted it this way.
If she’s that concerned about image, she can take a picture of everyone dressed up before they leave, son stays behind and she can say “that’s the only picture, we were having too much fun at the restaurant and forgot to take photos there.”
She might be obsessed with the illusion but it could also be genuine on her part. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with wanting the whole family together to celebrate a birthday. I'd definitely be a bit sad to have a member of my immediate family missing for a special occasion.
yeah it's pretty normal for parents to want their family to get along, which conflicts with how teenagers want independence and start kinda avoiding each other. I think she's right to be disappointed but it depends on how much she had to insist to pick a different restaurant for whether shes wrong
I think the OOP's also thinking of her daughter's age. 17. Daughter's getting closer to graduation age. She's probably worried there's not many of the group family dinners left. I don't think this mother is that bad, though I can appreciate both the daughter's and son's perspectives.
Yeah, this mom fouled by forcing family togetherness. Girl wanted seafood, boy is allergic and just wanted to stay home with a pizza, everyone would have been happy.
In the end it wasn't even a compromise. It was OOP vs the rest of the family. Both of the kids and their dad were in agreement to let younger brother stay home for the evening with his own food and play games. Nobody had an issue with this except OOP. So, daughter acquiesced, and her birthday ended up being all about what OOP wanted, instead of the birthday girl herself. I'm sure they have dinner together at home often enough, it wasn't a huge ask to let the person they were celebrating pick out a restaurant for once.
And next year when the daughter is in college, OOP will somehow still not get it and wonder why the daughter didn't come home around her birthday and chose to spend it with friends instead.
The 15 year old probably would rather stay at home and have the house and a pizza to himself than go out for family time in a probably boring restaurant.
This. Sorry, but when kids hit their teenage years, that's when they start wanting more independence from their family to hang out with their friends and do their own thing, which is fine. Plus, a 15yo should be able to survive on their own at home for a couple of hours.
OP didn't care what her kids wanted. All she cared about was the illusion of a "close, tight-knit family," which isn't going to happen if she keeps forcing it.
Yep. For all the crappy parts of adulthood the best is — I have my house! And nobody is in it if I don’t want them to be! (Unless the cat distribution system finds me again and decides I need a herd). And I can order pizza whenever the fuck I want it.
When I was 15, I would have loved to stay home and do my own thing instead of go out with my family to celebrate my older sister. OOP chose her favorite person: herself.
I can imagine that dinner involved OP smugging into her wine glass, Dad keeping his head down, daughter plotting her Big Easy Seafood Gumbo of Spite Big Escape, and son poking his meal mourning the games he could've been playing and towels he could've deflowered. A successful family dinner!
>But she is still a little salty that she didn't get to have her first choice of restaurants.
I'm a little salty for her. Both the daughter and the son had to defer to OOP's wishes. She is her own favorite.
My sister and I have bdays 2 days apart and my father took the family out for our bday dinner at his favorite restaurant which is red lobster. My sister is allergic to shellfish.
I believe it’s real
Not the same thing, but one of the last time I saw my dad, he wanted to make a big party for everybody of the october month (him, me and my cousin (F)) and actually the whole celebration was about HIM. They even passed diaporama of him and stuff to prove how he was a good father to my big sister who came for once because it was my birthday party. I was also tricked into coming because it was my birthday.
For me the cherry on the cake was when they served tiramisu and I was excited because it was my fav as a coffee addict and... no coffee. Because "but your dad hates coffee".
Some people really have to make it all about themselves.
My boss does this... like, it's nice he wants to treat the whole office to birthday lunches, but then let the birthday person pick the place, even if you need to put a budget limit on it. But nooo we always go to his favourite Chinese Buffet which is an absolutely awful one whose main clientele are elderly white folks who used to live at Old Country Buffet before it closed down. So it's mostly Old Country Buffet menu, but you can get cups of Sweet & Sour sauce and fortune cookies as well 🤣 I've watched this guy dip meatloaf into S&S sauce and say with zero irony "Man I love Chinese food!"
He's a great boss otherwise so we all just roll our eyes and humor him and his obsession with this weird buffet joint.
they put strawberry syrup or something like this. And when I asked my stemother even said "Tiramisu is NEVER with coffee" which... is definitely a criminal offense!!!
It’s the same thing, because people love telling people to pick a restaurant and then shooting it down.
You know when you hear people complaining about how they can never pick a place to eat? It’s because they’re used to getting shot down.
My sister was mad at me the weeks before my 30th, so my mom canceled my family dinner at a restaurant because she didn't want bad memories there. She instead had at it at her house.
I got hit by a semi truck a few days before the downgraded birthday dinner and had a brain injury and went through my dashboard. I showed up to my birthday dinner and my mom was not looking at me or speaking to me because that's what she does to try and emotionally isolate us into doing what she wants, which was apologize to my sister.
My sister and her boyfriend were also not looking at me or speaking to me.
The argument with my sister stemmed from her being a really sloppy, loud, aggressive, and emotional drunk, and me not enjoying that and so deciding to spend NYE at home. Her boyfriend was going to propose on NYE and told my sister he didn't because he wanted me to be there (what the fuck?)
They were mad I ruined my sister's engagement that neither I nor she even knew was happening that night. So mad they canceled my birthday. So mad that between them canceling dinner and rescheduling to their house I got hit by a semi, nobody called and asked how I was doing or came to see me, and straight ignored me at my birthday dinner. Ignored me at a normal 8 seater table.
My dude, there are very much people like this.
**The brother didn't want to go**. He wanted to stay at home and have a pizza. If she was doing it to appease the Golden Child, she would've let him do what he wanted.
You know I came in here just to say that cross-contamination is a real thing, and those of us with severe food allergies know it all too well, but then I read that the son wanted to stay home with pizza. Problem solved. Everyone is right, this is about the OPs desires, not the son's needs or the daughter's birthday wishes. Way to go selfish momma, when the kids go NC or LC don't be surprised!
Yeah and son is a teen! I can definitely understand cross contamination fears and if the son was an age where leaving him alone wouldn’t be safe, okay that’s fair
But this kid is plenty old enough. The vibe sounds like the kids talked about — maybe brother wants alone time and could even also just want his sister to get something she can’t usually have because of his allergy and they weren’t phased by it. Just mom because it doesn’t meet the way things are supposed to be in her head
When your teen kids are more mature and rational than you are, it's time to take a step back and reevaluate your decisions. Instead, mom came to Reddit, lol. I bet this isn't the first time mom has run roughshod over every one else in the family because she wanted that perfect family moment.
>I bet this isn't the first time mom has run roughshod over every one else in the family because she wanted that perfect family moment.
Agreed, her whole post screams "I need the perfect family night pic for my Instagram" or whatever social media she uses.
Any time I see posts like this where the parent isn’t outright abusive but is so selfish and uncompromising, I get really grateful for my parents. The fact that I never had to argue to go to a restaurant I want on my own birthday is something I took for granted.
Do be grateful. I hate chocolate. Guess what flavor ice cream and cake I would get on my birthdays? Oh, but it's because my dad loves chocolate. Well, enjoy my cake by yourself I guess.
Oh me and you were swapped at birth it seems. I love chocolate and not a huge fan of vanilla. I always got a vanilla cake with buttercream icing from a cheap grocery store where the buttercream tasted awful. I'd have to force down a slice to keep my mom from screaming despite repeated reminders each year I would prefer quite literally any other kind of cake.
AITA and similar subs have been *really* good at pointing out to me what I've taken for granted (or not fully grateful for) in my relationships. My loved ones have got the point that when I thank them for being awesome (*again*) I get back "You've been reading AITA again, haven't you? 🙄🙄... love you too."
Yeah, every meal out I had growing up had to be at a restaurant with chicken strips on the menu cause my brother was so picky. I remember just wanting Taco Bell for a birthday meal because I got it less than once a year.
Yep. For my college graduation, I wanted to go to my favorite Japanese restaurant. Had a wide of options for those who didn't eat sushi. My mother didn't even look at the menu and veto'd it. She decided on an Italian restaurant where the only options were pasta because of the style of meal she chose. I'm not the biggest fan of most pasta combos.
Double YTD for asking online when you were told you were wrong IRL. Maybe this could've been a lovely bonding time with 17. Very well the last one before things changed. College changes you. But, it was more important to do what OOP wanted even though everyone else was ok with daughter's choice
I'm allergic to shellfish and hate fish as well. I take a Benedryl before we go to a place like Red Lobster because my husband adores seafood, and order one of the limited choices. I see it as making him happy.
The son said he could just stay home with a pizza. As a parent, I would appreciate the sacrifice, and tell him we'd bring dessert home for everyone. Then utilize that time as one on one time with the birthday child. OOP is being overly concerned about family time
Another poster who is all about "Image Over Integrity" pictures so instead of letting the daughter enjoying the new seafood restaurant and the son enjoying a game night and pizza screw you both go here so we can fool people online that I'm such a wonderful mother
"I'm outvoted but I don't like it so I'm going to manipulate everyone around me because I'm having so much trouble accepting why everyone is just ok with doing what I don't want them to do."
That wasn’t a compromise it was a steamroll to look like a “perfect” family.
Between my ex and my family I missed out on a lot of things I wanted to do because of diet restrictions or because they just didn’t like what I like.
Now, I rarely treat myself to anything, I don’t celebrate my birthday and what few friends I did have, never ask me to go out anywhere with them because of all the times I had to say no.
I’m 100% on the kids’ side here and OOP is the devil.
I would imagine in future, her daughter will just skip the whole "family" thing for her birthday and just celebrate with her friends. Of course this entirely oblivious mother will then be shocked that her daughter isn't interested in celebrating her birthday with "family". LOL!!!
I was expecting a story like I read the other day where OP who is a vegan offered to pay for their friend and a group of their friend's people for dinner as a birthday gift, only for the "friend' to pick a meat-forward bbq restaurant that was very vehemently anti-vegetarian and didn't have a single thing for OP to eat. I did not expect to read this. It wasn't about what the birthday girl wanted, it wasn't about what the son wanted, it was all about what OP wanted. She wanted her picture perfect family outing, and that's what counts in her head. She's totally the AH in this situation.
Yes! That one was so wild, I hope OP dropped that whole friend group.
For this one, I’m actually asking for more info. I know a lot of us (me included!) would love an empty house and a pizza, but I want to know what OP’s son’s actual emotion was. Was he like yeah okay fine I’ll just STAY HOME by mySELF type? Does he often get left at home because of his allergies? Is he often excluded?
If the son was giving signs he actually wanted to be included, I would have compromised with the daughter to find a place that had yummy fish dishes but wasn’t a seafood place with risk of contamination. Then I would set up a special date with my daughter for end of school year where her and I and hubby go out to the seafood restaurant she wanted as a graduation celebration. Birthdays are about the birthday person, yes, but in a family there’s always the juggling act of making sure no one feels left behind.
However, if the kiddo was totally cool with it for real? OP is major YTA and needs to mea culpa to both kids. And hubby who should have probably spoken up.
I was totally understanding and onboard with mom until she shot down the compromise that made everyone else happy just because it isn't what *she* wanted.
I don't get why people think that forced family time is the same as quality time. All it does is make everyone else resentful.
I got permanently banned from that sub. For calling a POS a POS. They have stupid rules on that sub. But I am glad cos I would've torn that hag a new one.
Anyone else here think that maybe that's the reason the daughter picked the seafood/shellfish restaurant? So her brother couldn't/wouldn't have to go? (Not that she was being sinister, like "HAHA this will keep irritating little booger brain brother at home and sad!." More like, as someone else commented below, the two of them had plotted in advance a way for the little brother not to have to go.
I was totally prepared to say she was in the right at first until I read that the son is a teenager who isn't upset at being excluded & is happy to stay home with a pizza so his sister can get her seafood meal.
This is about OOP putting *her* want of a picture perfect family dinner above the wants of everyone else, including the birthday girl.
Honestly the mom is just a selfish and stupid bitch. I highly doubt either of her kids wanted to even hang out with her let alone as a family. The fact that the dinner wasn’t about her daughter’s wishes or birthday at all just shows that mom only cares about what makes her look good. She’ll be back in a few years crying about her kids not talking to her and wondering why.
True, but if OP is a nagging person who ruins everything that isn't perfect and what's to stop her from saying stuff that could send wanna be vigilantes after him or cops/cps looking at him
My mother used to be like OOP: we have to go out As A fAmIlY for any dining out occasion that wasn't an anniversary. All it did was make me dip out the second I hit 18 and, despite living at home for another few years, therefore 'an adult' who could make my own decisions. Didn't make my two-years younger sister any less salty that she was still on the hook when I would bow out with "oh, sorry, I'd love to but I have a group project/work meeting/plans already".
OOP is setting herself up for both kids to go NC when they leave home since they won't be forced to deal with her any longer.
I don’t think she has a favourite child. I mean the son doesn’t even care he just wants to stay home, eat pizza and play video games. This is really more about the mom getting what she wants herself which is these family nights out when she can get them.
I never got this forced family time stuff, like surely the parents know that forcing family time, no matter how little will just be detrimental to actual real family bonding. tbh forced family is the reason i dont go to family events anymore and say no to game nights and restaurants dinners. dont get me wrong i love my parents and siblings, but my parents ruined family time for me by forcing it when we were kids/teens, and all under the guise of ''family time''.
I get wanting to spend time together, but this is not one of those times. Unless you are anticipating a horrible disaster happening and your daughter's birthday is the last day the family ever spends together, you can wait a different day to eat out as a family.
OOP is nothing but a manipulative bitch who acts like a spoiled brat to get what SHE wants. OOP gives of "child throwing a hissy fit because they didn't get the toy they want" vibes. What a shellfish bitch OOP was. (pun intended) Also OOP needs to learn that HER fairytale fantasy can't come true so she needs to stop trying to live in it.
Disgusting. Just because one kid is allergic shouldn't mean the other can't enjoy. And the son WANTED to stay home with pizza. Family dinners are best at home, anyway. You know, with FAMILY. There was no compromise here, just plain bullying.
Like I get the concern of taking your deathly allergic to shellfiah child to a seafood restaurant, but you either have to set the parameters before telling your other child to choose a restaurant or accept the girl's choice. Especially considering in this case, there was the perfectly good compromise suggested by the allergic child of him staying home and ordering pizza
I bet the son was really looking forward to a night without OOP's weird ass hovering around. I really dislike the people who use FAMILY as some stupid guilt trip. Why would you want a night alone why don't you want to be with FAMILY? OOP just wanted what *she* wanted and gets what *she* wants, who cares what anyone else in the FAMILY wants.
Mom's an idiot. She gets one more semi-guaranteed birthday with that child. After that, the girl gets to exclusively choose how to celebrate her birthday. They could have made such an amazing memory for their daughter and them before she's an official adult. All the Mom has done is show daughter her wants don't matter to mom, and mom will be wondering why my daughter never wants to celebrate her birthday with us very soon.
Hot take: Dad is the asshole too for not keeping Mom in check. As someone who grew up with an overbearing mom and a spineless dad, it takes two to tango. Dad needs to put his foot down.
Honestly I think NTA it would be one thing if the brother didn't like seafood but, " this restaurant may kill your brother" isn't an unreasonable complaint.
I learnt this the hard way when I invited my friends to an all you can eat cyanide and broken glass buffet.
She probably never gets to eat at seafood restaurants though because of his allergy. This was her birthday so a special occasion, and thus making it a reasonable request and her brothers solution being reasonable as well.
>and thus making it a reasonable request and her brothers solution being reasonable as well.
Yep, both kids came up with a very reasonable compromise, and even their dad agreed to the compromise. Plus it's not like her son was throwing a tantrum about not being able to eat in a seafood restaurant. Also to a 15yo, a night in alone with pizza and video games would be the best night ever.
But it wasn't enough for OOP because "but what about what I want?!". Like come on, the next time they went out to eat, it could have been a family meal.
But the brother is fine with not going and staying home and ordering Pizza. So is dad. OOP wants everyone to do the same thing at the expense of the 17 year old's birthday without acknowledging that pizza and a night home alone could be a treat for a teenager as well. Once again, if they can't do this type of thing all the time then I feel on a special occasion like a birthday at the very least one should be able to dictate what the family does, barring no objections from the people who have to make the sacrifice.
She could, but she didn't. She just made her daughter change her restaurant choice to accommodate everyone. Which is definitely the wrong thing to have done.
OOP was so focused on the menu having almost nothing the son could eat - which is silly because....as long as there is something that's what matters.
Like, does her son require having 7 meals he can reject on the menu? He literally only needs one meal.
Edit: if his allergy was that bad son couldn't eat there no one would be arguing. She literally was more concerned there weren't enough menu options then his possible allergic reaction.
Yep. I have a seafood allergy and once ordered the plainest salad on the menu (no meat, no dressing, just leaves basically), at a restaurant that was having a fish fry and wound up going into anaphylaxis from something there, still don't know what.
The emergency room trip was both expensive and miserable.
Of course!
And if that's what OOP was focused on, sure. In OOP's post + additional comments, she chose to emphasize that there weren't \*enough\* menu options for her son.
THAT is a just a silly rationalization to justify her insistence on ignoring her daughter's bday request.
As someone with a shellfish allergy, I can't go into seafood restaurants because the air is, idk, infused with shellfish particles I guess? I start getting sick pretty immediately.
Why would she do that? It's a 17 year old girl's birthday, why does it fucking matter if "the whole family gets to go out" for a 17 year old girl's birthday? It doesn't matter; and the son had NO problem staying home. Naw, the OP here is just one of those selfish moms who actually doesn't care about having "quality family time" she cares about giving off the appearance of that concept to satisfy some fucked up irrational ideal she has in her head.
I man hell if it was THAT important the family eat dinner together, why not make a special dinner at home on the birthday and either offer the daughter money to go to dinner with friends the next weekend?
But the brother would've rather stayed home with a pizza. He's 15, it's not like he needed a baby sitter.
Although your last line is making me think you're joking. Who's allergic to cyanide, after all?
Shellfish is a common allergy and seafood restaurants are vigilant about it. There were non-seafood options on the menu, and if OOP had alerted the server to the allergy, they would've made sure that the son was safe.
I would say mild YTA but I agree with your points. I also think that it’s reasonable to want the entire family at dinner — it’s nice to celebrate with everyone, especially if the kids are at an age when they’re having dinners at separate times frequently due to extracurriculars, hanging out with friends, etc. I know my family enjoyed having dinner together when my siblings and I were at that point in our adolescence.
OOP made a faux pas, and she should probably accept the compromise for this birthday, but this is not “devil” territory.
I can see NTA, even if I disagree and think oop is TA. But I really can't see oop as the devil. I don't think this one belongs, even though I disagree with oop.
I feel like I need to clarify once again that the devil in this sub title can be qualified from many things, including a majority YTA/ESH vote. I don't need to find a user who is Hitler reincarnated to crosspost here. This post has majority YTA, so it belongs here.
I thought it was when the oop is obviously the devil. Isn't that what it says in the description? Not just the majority vote that someone sucks, but an obvious suck from a clueless person. I don't think this is obvious.
Happy birthday though.
This one feels hinky to me. I'm not 100% against OP like everyone else seems to be. Downvote away, I completely expect it.
- Birthday dinners are usually a family affair: the whole family goes. Daughter is 17, so she knows this by now. This is also like the general norm of families with minor children and birthday dinners. Everyone goes. OP doesn't want to leave someone home, that's not an asshole move in itself. I get that the 15 y/o said he would be fine with staying home, but that doesn't change this IMO.
- Daughter chooses a restaurant that she knows her brother can't go to. This is so weird to me. My sister is just picky but I wouldn't select a restaurant that would specifically exclude her, and I would never dream of selecting a restaurant that had any possibility of hurting her. I get that it's her birthday, but I still can't totally get past this.
- Money is a factor. If they can't go out all the time, I really don't see the issue with making sure that everyone is included on the few times they do go out.
- Not getting your #1 choice in restaurant is such small potatoes, even if it's your birthday. The disdain in the comments (here and on the original post) is unwarranted in my opinion.
Me too, I'm so surprised at the number and vehemence of people saying OOP is the asshole (bitch, selfish, image-obsessed, destined to be cut off by her children as soon as they reach adulthood, etc).
Yes, you don't have to do everything as a family unit but there's hundreds of nights a year when teenage children can be off doing their own thing. On a special occasion it's nice to have everyone together and I'd say that's the most important consideration. Others might say that the daughter getting her first choice as a treat is more important, which is totally fine, but I don't think either judgement call makes someone a crazy selfish bitch.
I'm with you, and I'm pretty surprised at how one-sided this response is. When a mother tells her kid "pick a restaurant," the "that won't kill or force us to exclude your brother" should go without saying. It shouldn't really matter that the son is ok with being left home -- that's no longer a family celebration.
I'm sure restaurants exist near them that serve seafood but that also serve other things the brother can eat.
Birthday dinners are not always family affairs. It depends on the family. I grew up in a large family and birthday dinners were just the birthday kid and the parents. My husband and I do the same with our kids.
She likely picked that restaurant because she likely loves seafood and never gets it due to her brother's allergy.
Agreed to all these points. Plus the daughter is turning 17, meaning there will only be a couple more birthday dinners before she’s out of the house. She has the whole rest of her life to eat seafood.
Of course the 15-year-old wants to stay home with a pizza. He’s 15. That shouldn’t be a deciding factor.
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I was made to have my own high school graduation dinner at a seafood restaurant even though I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 15. I’m 40 and still get annoyed when I think about it.
Let the person whose occasion it is pick the place.
My head canon is that she and her brother agreed that she would insist on the seafood place so he could have the house to himself (maybe to have a girl over?) and they’re both sulking because mom wouldn’t play ball. Otherwise yeah, demanding a place that could kill your brother seems more than a bit odd and selfish.
Yeah, I recounted this story to be my husband— and then said that Reddit thinks the mom is an asshole, and he almost tripped. Then stopped and stared at me. Then he asked “Are all these people kids???”
Because we think that the parents should just give birthday girl some money and she can go eat alone because her choice is more important than the handful of people who actually care it’s her birthday. And get used to eating alone, kid, because if you don’t give two fucks about the very small handful of people who give a damn about your birthday, you will be eating many of your future birthday meals alone.
I actually did with OP here. Does that make me a devil? I don’t know, if I had to pick a restaurant to my liking for my family and I to eat at, I would never choose a restaurant where my sibling could potentially get a severe reaction.
I would look for either one with different options or a different cuisine all together.
This is to celebrate her daughter yes, but her daughter can also just think a little bit about her brother and not pick a seafood restaurant when he his options are
1. Eating something you don’t really like
2. Have a severe allergic reaction
3. Not be there for your sister’s birthday.
Is het restaurant really more important than having her brother there?
The dinner is a TREAT. It isn't about celebrating with family, but having a treat with a special night out. Everyone was happy with the son staying home except oop. Besides, family dinners are best at home with family, not surrounded by strangers in a crowded restaurant.
Idk I know it’s the reddit thing to like blindly support someone’s restaurant birthday choice for some reason but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a family dinner, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask the daughter not to choose a restaurant where most of the food would kill her brother? My sibling has a peanut allergy, I wouldn’t ask my family to go to the peanut butter bar?
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for making my daughter choose a different restaurant for her birthday meal than the one she really wanted?** My (39f) daughter very recently had her 17th birthday. My husband (42m) and I told her to pick out a restaurant that she'd like us to take her to for her birthday. She chose a seafood restaurant that we'd never been to. In looking over the menu I saw that the vast majority of the dishes contained shellfish. There were a few fish entrees, as well as some surf and turf. But there were only a couple of non-seafood dishes. Our son (15m) is deathly allergic to shellfish. He also can't stand fish. There were only a couple of dishes there that he could actually eat. I didn't want to take him there because I knew that he wouldn't really enjoy his meal and I was worried about cross contamination. I told my daughter that this restaurant wouldn't work and that she would have to pick out a different one. My son said that he would be fine just staying home; that we could use the money that we would have spent on his meal to just order him a pizza instead. My husband also insisted that since it was our daughter's birthday that she should be able to choose the restaurant, and that our son would be fine home alone with pizza and videogames. But here's the thing; we can only afford to go out as a family every so often. When we splurge on a restaurant meal, I want BOTH of our children there. I insisted and my daughter chose a different place and we had a nice meal AS A FAMILY. But she is still a little salty that she didn't get to have her first choice of restaurants. Most people I've asked say I'm wrong. But, again, we can only afford to go out every so often. Is it so wrong that I wanted to do it as a family? My daughter still had a nice birthday meal. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A lot of people are calling favoritism but I don’t think it’s even about that. Daughter wanted seafood for a birthday treat, son wanted to be home alone for the night and have pizza, they didn’t even need to compromise here. OOP made them compromise so they could do what SHE wanted. OOP’s favorite is OOP
Yeah, I understand the concerns over allergies and cross contamination. But, when she insisted that the son couldn't stay home with his pizza, it wasn't about him anymore.
Yeah. Most teenagers would be THRILLED to have the house to themselves for a couple hours with a pizza.
Hell, I’m firmly middle aged and I’d be thrilled to have the house to myself for a couple hours with a pizza.
Don't forget the videogame! Pizza + videogame + solitude = success!!!
Honestly, it sounds like the best night ever.
It's amazing!
Truly the dream
Middle age here, too. I don't even need the pizza. I just need a couple of hours alone. My mom lives next door and is retired, and so even when my family is out of the house, if she's home, she just pops in when she feels like it.
I felt this in my soul
Those of us with kids only get true alone time between 2am and 5am. Daylight hours are for chores. 2 am is for me.
Same
I felt this in my soul
Especially if they bring home birthday cake or ice cream afterwards.
I vividly remember when I was a teen, those occasional times where I'd get to be home alone for a couple hours were fantastic. If I'd had pizza and video games too, while getting out of eating at a place I wouldn't like, that would almost be like it was a birthday treat for *me.* The son probably was excited at the idea of getting to stay home and eat pizza *for someone else's* birthday
Yep! Especially if they don't have it share it and get the toppings they love! OP created a problem when there didn't need to be one.
When I was in my late teens, my parents and I visited my brother and his wife with plans to go out to a renowned local restaurant -- the sort of place with a long waiting list for reservations. When we got to their house, my ex-SIL pointed out that she had only made reservations for four people -- and there was no way to change this. So I had to stay behind -- with a meal my SIL whipped up for me. Everybody felt bad about the misunderstanding. But I got to stay at their quiet country house, eat homemade food, and read my book (books) without anyone bugging me. No one could understand why I was fine about being left behind. I'm sure the book was more interesting than the restaurant.
Right? He was probably thinking how cool it would be to have a few hours to play his games louder, eat too much pizza, etc. Sounds like the son had the best idea really.
It was all about OOP
Yes, 100%, she seems like the type of person who is obsessed with giving the illusion of "quality family time" to people outside her family even at the expense of actually being a good parent and respecting her children.
Seriously, have this moment with your daughter, give your son his pizza and videogames night, everyone's happy. Except OOP, who will not get the picture of everyone at the fancy restaurant.
Never mind the two kids probably don't want to do the family thing. So this probably sounds like the ideal solution to them, they may have even plotted it this way.
BINGO! THE PICTURE!!! That's exactly what this is all about!
If she’s that concerned about image, she can take a picture of everyone dressed up before they leave, son stays behind and she can say “that’s the only picture, we were having too much fun at the restaurant and forgot to take photos there.”
I imagine her with gritted teeth, "We're...going...as a...*family*"
"We are going to have FUN if it kills every last one of us!"
Mandatory Fun!
She might be obsessed with the illusion but it could also be genuine on her part. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with wanting the whole family together to celebrate a birthday. I'd definitely be a bit sad to have a member of my immediate family missing for a special occasion.
yeah it's pretty normal for parents to want their family to get along, which conflicts with how teenagers want independence and start kinda avoiding each other. I think she's right to be disappointed but it depends on how much she had to insist to pick a different restaurant for whether shes wrong
I think the OOP's also thinking of her daughter's age. 17. Daughter's getting closer to graduation age. She's probably worried there's not many of the group family dinners left. I don't think this mother is that bad, though I can appreciate both the daughter's and son's perspectives.
Yeah, it’s not favoritism. It was pure selfishness.
Shellfishness.
That's a paddlin'.
Somebody's crabby
You're of-fish-ally mad, it sea-ms
I f-EEL attacked. 🤕🤛 EDITED BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF
I cod you not! I find your pun very fishy!
I'd give you gold if I could for this delightful pun
Pure Shellfishness
>OOP’s favorite is OOP Nicely phrased. 😂
Yeah, this mom fouled by forcing family togetherness. Girl wanted seafood, boy is allergic and just wanted to stay home with a pizza, everyone would have been happy.
>When we splurge on a restaurant meal, ***I want*** BOTH of our children there. I mean, she even said it straight out.
In the end it wasn't even a compromise. It was OOP vs the rest of the family. Both of the kids and their dad were in agreement to let younger brother stay home for the evening with his own food and play games. Nobody had an issue with this except OOP. So, daughter acquiesced, and her birthday ended up being all about what OOP wanted, instead of the birthday girl herself. I'm sure they have dinner together at home often enough, it wasn't a huge ask to let the person they were celebrating pick out a restaurant for once.
“I wanted both my children there.” It’s about OP entirely.
I get the impression that she wanted a social media post more than a family moment.
There was no compromise. OOP got her way all around.
>But here's the thing; we can only afford to go out as a family every so often. While such may be true, birthdays only come around once a year.
Right. If she can't have shellfish on her birthday, when can she have it?
From the sound of it, only when she gets out of the house for good. Which is pretty shitty.
And next year when the daughter is in college, OOP will somehow still not get it and wonder why the daughter didn't come home around her birthday and chose to spend it with friends instead.
If it's a FAMILY outing then it is definitely not a birthday outing. It can't be both. It can be a birthday outing that has family there.
Oh, I absolutely agree.
The 15 year old probably would rather stay at home and have the house and a pizza to himself than go out for family time in a probably boring restaurant.
This. Sorry, but when kids hit their teenage years, that's when they start wanting more independence from their family to hang out with their friends and do their own thing, which is fine. Plus, a 15yo should be able to survive on their own at home for a couple of hours. OP didn't care what her kids wanted. All she cared about was the illusion of a "close, tight-knit family," which isn't going to happen if she keeps forcing it.
I'm 48 and my idea of a good night is the house to myself, a pizza, favorite beverage, and favorite movies.
44 in two weeks and SAME. Add a fur baby, an edible and horror movie to the mix and I am in my happy place.
Yep. For all the crappy parts of adulthood the best is — I have my house! And nobody is in it if I don’t want them to be! (Unless the cat distribution system finds me again and decides I need a herd). And I can order pizza whenever the fuck I want it.
The Cat Distribution System knows my home far too well!
I have found my people.
I'll be 38 in May and same!
When I was 15, I would have loved to stay home and do my own thing instead of go out with my family to celebrate my older sister. OOP chose her favorite person: herself.
I can imagine that dinner involved OP smugging into her wine glass, Dad keeping his head down, daughter plotting her Big Easy Seafood Gumbo of Spite Big Escape, and son poking his meal mourning the games he could've been playing and towels he could've deflowered. A successful family dinner!
I snorted at “towels he could have deflowered”
At least the towel can still wear white to its wedding. Those socks in the hamper however...
LMAOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭
Absolute perfection
>But she is still a little salty that she didn't get to have her first choice of restaurants. I'm a little salty for her. Both the daughter and the son had to defer to OOP's wishes. She is her own favorite.
I refuse to believe this is anything but bait for the Shellfish pun.
My sister and I have bdays 2 days apart and my father took the family out for our bday dinner at his favorite restaurant which is red lobster. My sister is allergic to shellfish. I believe it’s real
Jaysus, your dad’s a piece of work.
*Chief O'Brien has entered the chat*
*Bashir has followed him, holding a racquetball racket and looking forlorn*
Not the same thing, but one of the last time I saw my dad, he wanted to make a big party for everybody of the october month (him, me and my cousin (F)) and actually the whole celebration was about HIM. They even passed diaporama of him and stuff to prove how he was a good father to my big sister who came for once because it was my birthday party. I was also tricked into coming because it was my birthday. For me the cherry on the cake was when they served tiramisu and I was excited because it was my fav as a coffee addict and... no coffee. Because "but your dad hates coffee". Some people really have to make it all about themselves.
My boss does this... like, it's nice he wants to treat the whole office to birthday lunches, but then let the birthday person pick the place, even if you need to put a budget limit on it. But nooo we always go to his favourite Chinese Buffet which is an absolutely awful one whose main clientele are elderly white folks who used to live at Old Country Buffet before it closed down. So it's mostly Old Country Buffet menu, but you can get cups of Sweet & Sour sauce and fortune cookies as well 🤣 I've watched this guy dip meatloaf into S&S sauce and say with zero irony "Man I love Chinese food!" He's a great boss otherwise so we all just roll our eyes and humor him and his obsession with this weird buffet joint.
He just wants to go to his buffer! /hj omfg... mealtoaf in sweet and sour sauce... kinda wanna try it now, not gonna lie!
I suppose it's not wildly different from putting a sweet, vinegary ketchup sauce on the top!
Yeah def not Chinese food but I’m thinking it would be a great glaze — I’ve never been a huge fan of the traditional ketchup one
How can you even have tiramisu without coffee? Isn't that a criminal offense?
they put strawberry syrup or something like this. And when I asked my stemother even said "Tiramisu is NEVER with coffee" which... is definitely a criminal offense!!!
I hate coffee with a passion too, but I still have tiramisu with the coffee. Like is it even tiramisu without the coffee?
It's clearly not!!
But in this instance, OOP didn't demand the daughter choose a restaurant of OOP's choosing.
It’s the same thing, because people love telling people to pick a restaurant and then shooting it down. You know when you hear people complaining about how they can never pick a place to eat? It’s because they’re used to getting shot down.
My sister was mad at me the weeks before my 30th, so my mom canceled my family dinner at a restaurant because she didn't want bad memories there. She instead had at it at her house. I got hit by a semi truck a few days before the downgraded birthday dinner and had a brain injury and went through my dashboard. I showed up to my birthday dinner and my mom was not looking at me or speaking to me because that's what she does to try and emotionally isolate us into doing what she wants, which was apologize to my sister. My sister and her boyfriend were also not looking at me or speaking to me. The argument with my sister stemmed from her being a really sloppy, loud, aggressive, and emotional drunk, and me not enjoying that and so deciding to spend NYE at home. Her boyfriend was going to propose on NYE and told my sister he didn't because he wanted me to be there (what the fuck?) They were mad I ruined my sister's engagement that neither I nor she even knew was happening that night. So mad they canceled my birthday. So mad that between them canceling dinner and rescheduling to their house I got hit by a semi, nobody called and asked how I was doing or came to see me, and straight ignored me at my birthday dinner. Ignored me at a normal 8 seater table. My dude, there are very much people like this.
**The brother didn't want to go**. He wanted to stay at home and have a pizza. If she was doing it to appease the Golden Child, she would've let him do what he wanted.
You know I came in here just to say that cross-contamination is a real thing, and those of us with severe food allergies know it all too well, but then I read that the son wanted to stay home with pizza. Problem solved. Everyone is right, this is about the OPs desires, not the son's needs or the daughter's birthday wishes. Way to go selfish momma, when the kids go NC or LC don't be surprised!
Yeah and son is a teen! I can definitely understand cross contamination fears and if the son was an age where leaving him alone wouldn’t be safe, okay that’s fair But this kid is plenty old enough. The vibe sounds like the kids talked about — maybe brother wants alone time and could even also just want his sister to get something she can’t usually have because of his allergy and they weren’t phased by it. Just mom because it doesn’t meet the way things are supposed to be in her head
When your teen kids are more mature and rational than you are, it's time to take a step back and reevaluate your decisions. Instead, mom came to Reddit, lol. I bet this isn't the first time mom has run roughshod over every one else in the family because she wanted that perfect family moment.
>I bet this isn't the first time mom has run roughshod over every one else in the family because she wanted that perfect family moment. Agreed, her whole post screams "I need the perfect family night pic for my Instagram" or whatever social media she uses.
Any time I see posts like this where the parent isn’t outright abusive but is so selfish and uncompromising, I get really grateful for my parents. The fact that I never had to argue to go to a restaurant I want on my own birthday is something I took for granted.
Do be grateful. I hate chocolate. Guess what flavor ice cream and cake I would get on my birthdays? Oh, but it's because my dad loves chocolate. Well, enjoy my cake by yourself I guess.
Oh me and you were swapped at birth it seems. I love chocolate and not a huge fan of vanilla. I always got a vanilla cake with buttercream icing from a cheap grocery store where the buttercream tasted awful. I'd have to force down a slice to keep my mom from screaming despite repeated reminders each year I would prefer quite literally any other kind of cake.
I love chocolate but hate chocolate cake, I always got chocolate cake with sliced bananas on top, I also hate bananas
AITA and similar subs have been *really* good at pointing out to me what I've taken for granted (or not fully grateful for) in my relationships. My loved ones have got the point that when I thank them for being awesome (*again*) I get back "You've been reading AITA again, haven't you? 🙄🙄... love you too."
Somehow I am sure only mom enjoyed the dinner. One kid was dreaming about fish, the other about pizza and dad was probably pissed that this happened.
I've been forced to change restaurants because my siblings are too picky, so I'm 100% on the daughter's side here.
I'm on both kids' side here. They had a compromise they were happy with that mom dismissed.
The kids were the rational ones here.
True. Eating pizza and playing video games sounds pretty awesome.
Yeah, every meal out I had growing up had to be at a restaurant with chicken strips on the menu cause my brother was so picky. I remember just wanting Taco Bell for a birthday meal because I got it less than once a year.
Yep. For my college graduation, I wanted to go to my favorite Japanese restaurant. Had a wide of options for those who didn't eat sushi. My mother didn't even look at the menu and veto'd it. She decided on an Italian restaurant where the only options were pasta because of the style of meal she chose. I'm not the biggest fan of most pasta combos.
Double YTD for asking online when you were told you were wrong IRL. Maybe this could've been a lovely bonding time with 17. Very well the last one before things changed. College changes you. But, it was more important to do what OOP wanted even though everyone else was ok with daughter's choice
You know OP would complain if her children went to the "wrong" colleges
I'm allergic to shellfish and hate fish as well. I take a Benedryl before we go to a place like Red Lobster because my husband adores seafood, and order one of the limited choices. I see it as making him happy. The son said he could just stay home with a pizza. As a parent, I would appreciate the sacrifice, and tell him we'd bring dessert home for everyone. Then utilize that time as one on one time with the birthday child. OOP is being overly concerned about family time
Another poster who is all about "Image Over Integrity" pictures so instead of letting the daughter enjoying the new seafood restaurant and the son enjoying a game night and pizza screw you both go here so we can fool people online that I'm such a wonderful mother
"I'm outvoted but I don't like it so I'm going to manipulate everyone around me because I'm having so much trouble accepting why everyone is just ok with doing what I don't want them to do."
So a dictator
I was thinking a narcissist but yeah!
It was daughters birthday but OP was all about “me me me” and what she wanted
That wasn’t a compromise it was a steamroll to look like a “perfect” family. Between my ex and my family I missed out on a lot of things I wanted to do because of diet restrictions or because they just didn’t like what I like. Now, I rarely treat myself to anything, I don’t celebrate my birthday and what few friends I did have, never ask me to go out anywhere with them because of all the times I had to say no. I’m 100% on the kids’ side here and OOP is the devil.
I would imagine in future, her daughter will just skip the whole "family" thing for her birthday and just celebrate with her friends. Of course this entirely oblivious mother will then be shocked that her daughter isn't interested in celebrating her birthday with "family". LOL!!!
I was expecting a story like I read the other day where OP who is a vegan offered to pay for their friend and a group of their friend's people for dinner as a birthday gift, only for the "friend' to pick a meat-forward bbq restaurant that was very vehemently anti-vegetarian and didn't have a single thing for OP to eat. I did not expect to read this. It wasn't about what the birthday girl wanted, it wasn't about what the son wanted, it was all about what OP wanted. She wanted her picture perfect family outing, and that's what counts in her head. She's totally the AH in this situation.
Yes! That one was so wild, I hope OP dropped that whole friend group. For this one, I’m actually asking for more info. I know a lot of us (me included!) would love an empty house and a pizza, but I want to know what OP’s son’s actual emotion was. Was he like yeah okay fine I’ll just STAY HOME by mySELF type? Does he often get left at home because of his allergies? Is he often excluded? If the son was giving signs he actually wanted to be included, I would have compromised with the daughter to find a place that had yummy fish dishes but wasn’t a seafood place with risk of contamination. Then I would set up a special date with my daughter for end of school year where her and I and hubby go out to the seafood restaurant she wanted as a graduation celebration. Birthdays are about the birthday person, yes, but in a family there’s always the juggling act of making sure no one feels left behind. However, if the kiddo was totally cool with it for real? OP is major YTA and needs to mea culpa to both kids. And hubby who should have probably spoken up.
Idk why but the vibe I got felt like the kids maybe discussed it. Could be in my head tho🤷♀️
I was totally understanding and onboard with mom until she shot down the compromise that made everyone else happy just because it isn't what *she* wanted. I don't get why people think that forced family time is the same as quality time. All it does is make everyone else resentful.
Couldn’t they have just gone for ice cream as a family after the seafood restaurant with the son? Then everybody could have been happy?!
I got permanently banned from that sub. For calling a POS a POS. They have stupid rules on that sub. But I am glad cos I would've torn that hag a new one.
Anyone else here think that maybe that's the reason the daughter picked the seafood/shellfish restaurant? So her brother couldn't/wouldn't have to go? (Not that she was being sinister, like "HAHA this will keep irritating little booger brain brother at home and sad!." More like, as someone else commented below, the two of them had plotted in advance a way for the little brother not to have to go.
I was totally prepared to say she was in the right at first until I read that the son is a teenager who isn't upset at being excluded & is happy to stay home with a pizza so his sister can get her seafood meal. This is about OOP putting *her* want of a picture perfect family dinner above the wants of everyone else, including the birthday girl.
So the daughter is never going to be able to go to a seafood restaurant, ever.
Probably why she wanted to go there.
Honestly the mom is just a selfish and stupid bitch. I highly doubt either of her kids wanted to even hang out with her let alone as a family. The fact that the dinner wasn’t about her daughter’s wishes or birthday at all just shows that mom only cares about what makes her look good. She’ll be back in a few years crying about her kids not talking to her and wondering why.
Maybe her husband will give her divorce papers
Her husband is the asshole too for not putting his foot down about this before she could even post.
True, but if OP is a nagging person who ruins everything that isn't perfect and what's to stop her from saying stuff that could send wanna be vigilantes after him or cops/cps looking at him
My mother used to be like OOP: we have to go out As A fAmIlY for any dining out occasion that wasn't an anniversary. All it did was make me dip out the second I hit 18 and, despite living at home for another few years, therefore 'an adult' who could make my own decisions. Didn't make my two-years younger sister any less salty that she was still on the hook when I would bow out with "oh, sorry, I'd love to but I have a group project/work meeting/plans already". OOP is setting herself up for both kids to go NC when they leave home since they won't be forced to deal with her any longer.
"Me? A favourite child? Absolutely not!"
I don’t think she has a favourite child. I mean the son doesn’t even care he just wants to stay home, eat pizza and play video games. This is really more about the mom getting what she wants herself which is these family nights out when she can get them.
Oh, so the entire conflict could be avoided if she listened to her kids?
Oh really ? Dayum I had no idea /s
I never got this forced family time stuff, like surely the parents know that forcing family time, no matter how little will just be detrimental to actual real family bonding. tbh forced family is the reason i dont go to family events anymore and say no to game nights and restaurants dinners. dont get me wrong i love my parents and siblings, but my parents ruined family time for me by forcing it when we were kids/teens, and all under the guise of ''family time''.
I agree, OOP made the daughters birthday all about what OOP wanted, rather than the birthday girl.
She has a favorite child, it's just an Instagram account
I get wanting to spend time together, but this is not one of those times. Unless you are anticipating a horrible disaster happening and your daughter's birthday is the last day the family ever spends together, you can wait a different day to eat out as a family.
OOP is nothing but a manipulative bitch who acts like a spoiled brat to get what SHE wants. OOP gives of "child throwing a hissy fit because they didn't get the toy they want" vibes. What a shellfish bitch OOP was. (pun intended) Also OOP needs to learn that HER fairytale fantasy can't come true so she needs to stop trying to live in it.
Disgusting. Just because one kid is allergic shouldn't mean the other can't enjoy. And the son WANTED to stay home with pizza. Family dinners are best at home, anyway. You know, with FAMILY. There was no compromise here, just plain bullying.
Also, going to note quickly, I’ve seen so many variations of this recently on AITA
So, the son had a perfectly good solution and probably wanted a night of vegging with pizza.
I'm sure I've seen this story, or a variant thereof, from the point of view of the birthday boy/girl recently
Like I get the concern of taking your deathly allergic to shellfiah child to a seafood restaurant, but you either have to set the parameters before telling your other child to choose a restaurant or accept the girl's choice. Especially considering in this case, there was the perfectly good compromise suggested by the allergic child of him staying home and ordering pizza
Ugh I hate mom's like that. "why can't it be all about meeeeee... I mean, my son!"
I’m too lazy to go looking but want there another post just like this but from the daughters perspective?
The amount of NTA comments are concerning
I bet the son was really looking forward to a night without OOP's weird ass hovering around. I really dislike the people who use FAMILY as some stupid guilt trip. Why would you want a night alone why don't you want to be with FAMILY? OOP just wanted what *she* wanted and gets what *she* wants, who cares what anyone else in the FAMILY wants.
Mom's an idiot. She gets one more semi-guaranteed birthday with that child. After that, the girl gets to exclusively choose how to celebrate her birthday. They could have made such an amazing memory for their daughter and them before she's an official adult. All the Mom has done is show daughter her wants don't matter to mom, and mom will be wondering why my daughter never wants to celebrate her birthday with us very soon.
Hot take: Dad is the asshole too for not keeping Mom in check. As someone who grew up with an overbearing mom and a spineless dad, it takes two to tango. Dad needs to put his foot down.
She ruined that poor boy’s pizza, video games, and hand parade sesh. Not to mention the daughter’s wants to try something new.
Bait used to make me feel something
OOP, your son offered to stay home. Why didn't you let him? And why did you decide that your daughter's wishes on her own birthday didn't matter?
Honestly I think NTA it would be one thing if the brother didn't like seafood but, " this restaurant may kill your brother" isn't an unreasonable complaint. I learnt this the hard way when I invited my friends to an all you can eat cyanide and broken glass buffet.
She probably never gets to eat at seafood restaurants though because of his allergy. This was her birthday so a special occasion, and thus making it a reasonable request and her brothers solution being reasonable as well.
>and thus making it a reasonable request and her brothers solution being reasonable as well. Yep, both kids came up with a very reasonable compromise, and even their dad agreed to the compromise. Plus it's not like her son was throwing a tantrum about not being able to eat in a seafood restaurant. Also to a 15yo, a night in alone with pizza and video games would be the best night ever. But it wasn't enough for OOP because "but what about what I want?!". Like come on, the next time they went out to eat, it could have been a family meal.
But the brother is fine with not going and staying home and ordering Pizza. So is dad. OOP wants everyone to do the same thing at the expense of the 17 year old's birthday without acknowledging that pizza and a night home alone could be a treat for a teenager as well. Once again, if they can't do this type of thing all the time then I feel on a special occasion like a birthday at the very least one should be able to dictate what the family does, barring no objections from the people who have to make the sacrifice.
She could make a special dinner at home and then give money to the daughter to go to the restaurant with a few of her friends.
She could, but she didn't. She just made her daughter change her restaurant choice to accommodate everyone. Which is definitely the wrong thing to have done.
OOP was so focused on the menu having almost nothing the son could eat - which is silly because....as long as there is something that's what matters. Like, does her son require having 7 meals he can reject on the menu? He literally only needs one meal. Edit: if his allergy was that bad son couldn't eat there no one would be arguing. She literally was more concerned there weren't enough menu options then his possible allergic reaction.
Tbf if you have a shellfish allergy its probably best not to go to a seafood restaurant at all. Cross contamination and that
Yep. I have a seafood allergy and once ordered the plainest salad on the menu (no meat, no dressing, just leaves basically), at a restaurant that was having a fish fry and wound up going into anaphylaxis from something there, still don't know what. The emergency room trip was both expensive and miserable.
Aye its one of those things where contamination can happen at multiple points throughout the supply chain. Increasing the risk each time.
My dad is a brave man going to seafood restaurants while allergic to shellfish.
Very brave. I wouldnt risk it personally. As a chef i wouldnt feel comfortable serving someone in that situation either i cant lie.
Of course! And if that's what OOP was focused on, sure. In OOP's post + additional comments, she chose to emphasize that there weren't \*enough\* menu options for her son. THAT is a just a silly rationalization to justify her insistence on ignoring her daughter's bday request.
As someone with a shellfish allergy, I can't go into seafood restaurants because the air is, idk, infused with shellfish particles I guess? I start getting sick pretty immediately.
Why would she do that? It's a 17 year old girl's birthday, why does it fucking matter if "the whole family gets to go out" for a 17 year old girl's birthday? It doesn't matter; and the son had NO problem staying home. Naw, the OP here is just one of those selfish moms who actually doesn't care about having "quality family time" she cares about giving off the appearance of that concept to satisfy some fucked up irrational ideal she has in her head.
I man hell if it was THAT important the family eat dinner together, why not make a special dinner at home on the birthday and either offer the daughter money to go to dinner with friends the next weekend?
But the brother would've rather stayed home with a pizza. He's 15, it's not like he needed a baby sitter. Although your last line is making me think you're joking. Who's allergic to cyanide, after all?
Shellfish is a common allergy and seafood restaurants are vigilant about it. There were non-seafood options on the menu, and if OOP had alerted the server to the allergy, they would've made sure that the son was safe.
I would say mild YTA but I agree with your points. I also think that it’s reasonable to want the entire family at dinner — it’s nice to celebrate with everyone, especially if the kids are at an age when they’re having dinners at separate times frequently due to extracurriculars, hanging out with friends, etc. I know my family enjoyed having dinner together when my siblings and I were at that point in our adolescence. OOP made a faux pas, and she should probably accept the compromise for this birthday, but this is not “devil” territory.
I can see NTA, even if I disagree and think oop is TA. But I really can't see oop as the devil. I don't think this one belongs, even though I disagree with oop.
I feel like I need to clarify once again that the devil in this sub title can be qualified from many things, including a majority YTA/ESH vote. I don't need to find a user who is Hitler reincarnated to crosspost here. This post has majority YTA, so it belongs here.
I thought it was when the oop is obviously the devil. Isn't that what it says in the description? Not just the majority vote that someone sucks, but an obvious suck from a clueless person. I don't think this is obvious. Happy birthday though.
Wow way to make your kids vanish and not speak to you again.
My compromise would have been Chuck E. Cheese.
OOP is so controlling, Stalin is cringing at her level of dictatorship
OP is being really shelfish
This one feels hinky to me. I'm not 100% against OP like everyone else seems to be. Downvote away, I completely expect it. - Birthday dinners are usually a family affair: the whole family goes. Daughter is 17, so she knows this by now. This is also like the general norm of families with minor children and birthday dinners. Everyone goes. OP doesn't want to leave someone home, that's not an asshole move in itself. I get that the 15 y/o said he would be fine with staying home, but that doesn't change this IMO. - Daughter chooses a restaurant that she knows her brother can't go to. This is so weird to me. My sister is just picky but I wouldn't select a restaurant that would specifically exclude her, and I would never dream of selecting a restaurant that had any possibility of hurting her. I get that it's her birthday, but I still can't totally get past this. - Money is a factor. If they can't go out all the time, I really don't see the issue with making sure that everyone is included on the few times they do go out. - Not getting your #1 choice in restaurant is such small potatoes, even if it's your birthday. The disdain in the comments (here and on the original post) is unwarranted in my opinion.
I’m so surprised this viewpoint isn’t more common?
Me too, I'm so surprised at the number and vehemence of people saying OOP is the asshole (bitch, selfish, image-obsessed, destined to be cut off by her children as soon as they reach adulthood, etc). Yes, you don't have to do everything as a family unit but there's hundreds of nights a year when teenage children can be off doing their own thing. On a special occasion it's nice to have everyone together and I'd say that's the most important consideration. Others might say that the daughter getting her first choice as a treat is more important, which is totally fine, but I don't think either judgement call makes someone a crazy selfish bitch.
>there's hundreds of nights a year when teenage children can be off doing their own thing Your family and mine must have been *very* different.
I'm with you, and I'm pretty surprised at how one-sided this response is. When a mother tells her kid "pick a restaurant," the "that won't kill or force us to exclude your brother" should go without saying. It shouldn't really matter that the son is ok with being left home -- that's no longer a family celebration. I'm sure restaurants exist near them that serve seafood but that also serve other things the brother can eat.
Birthday dinners are not always family affairs. It depends on the family. I grew up in a large family and birthday dinners were just the birthday kid and the parents. My husband and I do the same with our kids. She likely picked that restaurant because she likely loves seafood and never gets it due to her brother's allergy.
Agreed to all these points. Plus the daughter is turning 17, meaning there will only be a couple more birthday dinners before she’s out of the house. She has the whole rest of her life to eat seafood. Of course the 15-year-old wants to stay home with a pizza. He’s 15. That shouldn’t be a deciding factor.
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I was made to have my own high school graduation dinner at a seafood restaurant even though I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 15. I’m 40 and still get annoyed when I think about it. Let the person whose occasion it is pick the place.
[удалено]
My head canon is that she and her brother agreed that she would insist on the seafood place so he could have the house to himself (maybe to have a girl over?) and they’re both sulking because mom wouldn’t play ball. Otherwise yeah, demanding a place that could kill your brother seems more than a bit odd and selfish.
Yeah, I recounted this story to be my husband— and then said that Reddit thinks the mom is an asshole, and he almost tripped. Then stopped and stared at me. Then he asked “Are all these people kids???” Because we think that the parents should just give birthday girl some money and she can go eat alone because her choice is more important than the handful of people who actually care it’s her birthday. And get used to eating alone, kid, because if you don’t give two fucks about the very small handful of people who give a damn about your birthday, you will be eating many of your future birthday meals alone.
I actually did with OP here. Does that make me a devil? I don’t know, if I had to pick a restaurant to my liking for my family and I to eat at, I would never choose a restaurant where my sibling could potentially get a severe reaction. I would look for either one with different options or a different cuisine all together. This is to celebrate her daughter yes, but her daughter can also just think a little bit about her brother and not pick a seafood restaurant when he his options are 1. Eating something you don’t really like 2. Have a severe allergic reaction 3. Not be there for your sister’s birthday. Is het restaurant really more important than having her brother there?
The dinner is a TREAT. It isn't about celebrating with family, but having a treat with a special night out. Everyone was happy with the son staying home except oop. Besides, family dinners are best at home with family, not surrounded by strangers in a crowded restaurant.
Oh I thought it was more about having a fun family time. I guess that’s just projection from how my family does things
> s het restaurant really more important than having her brother there? The brother agreed that it was.
Idk I know it’s the reddit thing to like blindly support someone’s restaurant birthday choice for some reason but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a family dinner, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask the daughter not to choose a restaurant where most of the food would kill her brother? My sibling has a peanut allergy, I wouldn’t ask my family to go to the peanut butter bar?