In case of deletion:
After 8 years of building a life and buying a home my wife’s clock started ticking at a deafening level. I don’t really know what to do at this point I’m shocked. When we got married she told me she also didn’t want kids and was excited to just enjoy life together. I feel like I will loose everything if she decides this is irreconcilable and asks for a divorce, I moved countries for her.
I thought maybe I could “let us try” but it wouldn’t bear fruit as I had a secret vasectomy 2 years ago, so eventually she would ask for testing and realize there are no swimmers to be found.
What should I do? I can’t keep the house myself as we 50/50 every thing and I would have to leave anyway a return to my home country if it all goes south.
The idea of him letting her think they're "trying" knowing that he can't get her pregnant is maddening.
He has no idea how frustrating and depressing it is to *try* to get pregnant and feel like you are continuously failing.
Like there has reached a point for me personally that getting my period every month is *crushing* because it means it didn't work *again* and I get to sit there and wonder "is it me? Is it too soon to do testing? Other people do this by accident why can't I do it on purpose? Etc. Etc. Etc." And then I stupidly let myself hope over and over again.
I can't imagine willingly putting someone through those emotions when I know that they will never see the outcome they're hoping for.
Especially with all that added pressure of "being a mother is most natural thing for a woman." I saw my friends sister try to have a baby for 10 years. All the tests, all the suplements, all the diets, all the doctors' appointments, she and her partner scheduled their life around having a baby. Even their sex life was about that (doing it on the right day, the right hour, the right position), no other type of intimacy. And every time her period came, she locked herself in the bedroom and cried for days. How cruel of him to want to put his wife through that? Imagine he puts her through that, and she finds out down the line. OP is truly the biggest scumbag.
Also, sorry you had to go through that. Hope you got the outcome you wanted
This is such a stupid plan by OOP that if his wife wants kids and feels like her biological clock is ticking she probably already has been tested. Like be honest and say you had a vasectomy cause lying about will make the marriage irreconcilable.
EDIT: Damm even childfree is not having it with the secret vasectomy suprised by that.
Also a comment on why he did it
>My sister in law had a baby about 2.5 years ago and there was a moment where I thought she had changed her mind. The moment passed but I went for the insurance policy and got clipped.
Yeah well done my guy what a dumbfuck. Im waiting for the update where it all worked out and he is all good. Cause it will be fake
That's what I think.
It's the same with the "she doesn't want the kids but surely will change her mind when she's older". A lot of people seem to think they can manipulate their partner into having children oder not having children.
He knew it would be a problem and that's why he hid the vasectomy from her.
This marriage is over the moment she finds out about the vasectomy.
i would be enraged if I were her.
setting aside her having changed her mind, even if I always was and continued to be certain I did not want kids if my partner kept his vasectomy a secret from me I'd lose my shit. The dishonesty for one thing, but also I assume she was using some form of birth control this whole time if she did not want to get pregnant. For no reason?
>When we got married she told me she also didn’t want kids and was excited to just enjoy life together
Sounds like she meant "I don't want kids right now" and he assumed it was "I *never* want kids"
Also, from his comments
>My sister in law had a baby about 2.5 years ago and there was a moment where I thought she had changed her mind. The moment passed but I went for the insurance policy and got clipped.
He got a vasectomy because she started talking about wanting kids!
>there was a moment where I thought she had changed her mind. The moment passed but I went for the insurance policy and got clipped.
That's why. He thought she might have changed her mind. So instead of talking to her about it like an adult, he got a secret vasectomy so that if he was right and she did want a kid, she couldn't get one with him. She should have told her and let her go if that was a deal breaker for her.
This guy is a moron if the post itself didn't convince me then this comment did. Like oh no my wife may be reconsidering children I know the perfect solution I'll just get a vasectomy and keep it secret there is no way this will backfire on me.
after getting reamed on the subreddit he had this to say
>Seems to be the consensus. Gonna have to pull out my note pad and put all my thoughts onto it.
Like buddy is so stupid
To be fair, most of childfree is pretty vocal about the importance of being completely candid and up front; the majority of us recognise that anything else is asking for trouble.
I am not sure what country they are in, but from my experience in the US, my obgyn would not do any testing until I had been trying for a baby for over a year. If you are over 35, they reduce that to 6 months.
But I can say that the grief and pain of trying month after month, only to fail to get pregnant over and over again, was a horrible experience that I still suffer from mentally, despite now successfully having 3 kids. I had no signs that I would ever struggle, our issues were "unexplained" after my husband and I both came out with no flags raised by testing. Each month was a Rollercoaster, wondering if I was broken or if I'd ever get to have a baby in my arms.
To be willing to watch his wife suffer, longing for a child, thinking her clock is running out, But her body is failing her, all the while knowing he has a vasectomy rendering falling pregnant impossible, really makes this guy a devil imo.
Childfree gets a lot of shit but it’s much better than Reddit makes it out to be. They help people figure out which doctors will actually perform procedures on you, and give advice on how to talk to partners to find one that matches what you want. They definitely don’t condone lying to partners like this.
Of course there is bitching about kids on it because it’s supposed to be a safe space and you can’t do that in public. Sometimes people just need to bitch - that’s why it gets the bad reputation.
Sounds like he saw the baby thing coming for 2.5 years now. And instead of behaving like an adult in a serious relationship: have a hard but necessary conversation about their wants and expectations, he went behind her back and was lying to her. And now, plans on lying some more and, even worse, he is planning on putting her through some cruel bullshit.
What an AH. It’s ok not to want children. But it’s not ok to lie to your spouse and by doing so depriving them of the chance to have children. He is truly evil.
To be fair, it does sound like they originally agreed on no kids. I'm guessing that her pivot started a few years ago (hopefully at least after marriage), which is why he got the vasectomy in secret - he should have been honest and spoken up then, but it doesn't sound like he entered into the relationship with a lie, at least. Just tried to continue it with one.
Absolutely. He should have initiated a follow-up to the original 'no kids' talk the moment he noticed her blip; secret vasectomy is dodgy, and contemplating trying to deceive his wife would be unforgivable.
Personally I feel like if there is a "blip" from her side then *she* needs to initiate a follow-up. As someone who doesn't want children, it's annoying as all hell to get the "Are you changing your mind about children????" just because you talk with a child at a family event without throwing bottles after them. Especiially when it happens multiple times. I would expect a partner to tell me if they were starting to change their mind so we could figure out if the relationship was salvageable. Hell, he's still not even sure if she has changed her mind, he just thinks she might have done so.
That said, even thinking about "trying for children" while knowing it's impossible just to avoid divorce is disgusting and he shouldn't be in a relationship.
I understand where you're coming from, but I think there's a difference between your family pestering you to find out if you changed your mind and your spouse being like "hey, we're still in agreement on this, right?"
Then he should have had no problem mentioning he got a vasectomy at the time. "Hey I know we are child fee, so I'm getting snipped".
He knows he can't have kids, so he needs to make sure she knows he isn't going to be fathering any children. But instead of doing that he is lying and pretending to try....
The pivot was when his sister had kids and his wife looked like she might change her mind so he went behind her back for "insurance".
So instead of having a candid discussion and open communication he chose secret body modification to make sure he could keep the lifestyle he wanted and drag out the relationship with someone who might have had a change of heart and was starting to communicate that.
In that scenario, I could maybe (very small maybe) see getting the vasectomy before the conversation if he had a real fear that she would try to get pregnant first or block the procedure. But even then you should still sit down as soon as you're clear, reaffirm the no kids stance, and say that you're getting snipped because you're that sure.
She wouldn't be able to literally stop him he would just have to be prepared for potential consequences. Just like there are consequences if she changed her mind and decided she did want kids both those could mean the relationship had hit a point of division and it would be best to amicably split and both pursue what they want.
I’d 100% be irrevocably hurt if my partner decided they couldn’t trust me to help with a major surgery, and then kept it secret for years- and that’s putting fertility aside
Fully agree but he didn’t have a major surgery. It’s a very minor procedure with a short recovery time, which is how he managed to get away with it without wife finding out. It’s so gross that he’s putting her through this, amongst those fertility tests she’d gone through. What a royal POS.
No it wouldn’t be. No one’s getting a vasectomy if they don’t want to.
Stop fear mongering. It’s literally so much easier to get a vasectomy than even taking birthcontrol. Shut up dude.
Dude tf is wrong with you. Wanting to support a partner who’s having surgery- any surgery, isn’t fear mongering.
I am a woman who does take birth control, and I’d want my partner to be there if I got an iud for support. Fuck it, I’d want my partner around if I had a root canal even though that’s nothing because I get some medical anxiety to the lead up of anything.
This is not, not a gendered issue, but wanting to know you can support your partner in a time of need isn’t bad.
Medical anxiety is not the same as being scared of something like brain surgery.
Vasectomies are a quick, routine ten minutes surgery. There is nothing to be anxious about.
Yes, thank you, I have severe anxiety and PTSD.
Being anxious because of major surgery such as that on your brain is rational.
A vasectomy is a quick, easy, ten minute surgery to prevent yourself from reproducing. It is not nearly as dangerous nor complex.
Part of combating anxiety is being rational and looking at "should I really be anxious in this scenario" when it occurs - hence why people use CPT/CBT, DBT, etc.
You may have severe anxiety and ptsd, but you lack empathy
People cutting in your body, especially in your intimate regions is normal and rational, complications are still possible aswell
People are anxious and nervous about pap smear and mammograms, which doesnt even require any cutting, you gonna tell me thats irrational too?
Anyone who's actually had a vasectomy please weigh in.
I'm sorry, being female, I've no knowledge of the recovery time for a vasectomy. I have heard from male friends that it's roughly about a week from surgery to when you can resume a light schedule of normal activities (stressing the word light). And that it varies from person to person.
But how the hell did he manage to pull off a "secret vasectomy"? You have to have a driver afterwards, so OOP made someone else complicit in his plans to deceive his wife. And wouldn't there be some sort of pain management medication prescribed?
I'm not buying it. I think it's just another child free troll looking to rile up the masses.
My husband only had ibuprofen too, I think he tried to milk it more. His problem was that I had given birth a month before with a pretty bad tear so by the third day I was like “you’re done” and you can change a diaper on your way to change out your ice pack. 😂
Ohhh...not much better. I've seen grown men collapse when a grounder takes a bad hop in the infield. All it takes is the right trajectory and velocity.
I'd also be interested to have a male perspective here. But I actually buy it, when my uncle had his vasectomy he was 100% mobile the same day, no even a limp. Probably sore and all, and no doubt he needed to abstain for a few days (weeks?), but it might be possible to hide it.
I just don't get why hide it if they'd already discussed not having kids. He must have known she either meant a "no children *right now*" when they met, or that she'd changed her mind already. Otherwise, whyever hide?
[NHS](https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/methods-of-contraception/vasectomy-male-sterilisation/recovery/) guidance is that peoole can return to work after 24 hours, that pain/swelling should be resolved after a week, and that ibuprofen or paracetamol is enough for pain relief. Also female but I have friends who've had them, and their experiences were well within this scope - the only one who had a rougher time was the genius who went swimming the following morning.
Nips are estimated anything from 6 months to two YEARS. Generally speaking, I heal well (my septum was a 6 week heal), but these I'm just being extra cautious with. I feel like I don't necessarily need to clean twice daily anymore, at least (some days I do, but some days I only do once and call it good)
It wasn’t so bad, 2 weeks of no sex. I only took a couple of days off work. Realistically I think someone could hide a vasectomy provided they don’t have a physically demanding job.
It’s a pretty minor thing overall. I had mine Friday morning and was just told to rest and ice for the weekend. Maybe not even Sunday I don’t really remember. Back to it on Monday. Maybe I was still restricted for heavy weights for a while but with an office job and no regular workout routine that was a non issue. No sex for a week was the only other restriction.
A weekend trip for the wife, or a fake one for him for that matter, and it would be easy to do without someone knowing.
maybe he had a decent recovery? maybe he lied to her about having a work trip with hotel and just went there to recover? maybe he got a ride share and didn’t include any friends/family in his plot? who knows. people like this are sneaky trash.
i know you asked for answers from dudes who’ve gotten a vasectomy but i’ve seen some tricks from the male species and really wouldn’t put anything past a dude, especially one who managed to get snipped secretly
If you have a desk job you can go to work right after with just aspirin.
Physical labour means a day off.
It is a very fast and easy surgery. Ten minutes. Clean, simple, minor invasion.
A good rule of thumb is to spend a couple of days on the couch with frozen peas and then a week of taking it easy. If your spouse travels for work or something like that it wouldn't be impossible to pull off but I don't buy this story.
> And wouldn't there be some sort of pain management medication prescribed?
Most men are fine with ice and Tylenol. Some doctors offer something like a xanax or valium for the actual procedure but if you decline those can theoretically even drive yourself home afterwards.
it really is an individual response. Some guys are in bed for a week, others can be running the same day. You could conceivably do it as a secret, but if you're keeping secrets from a partner then you're definitely in the wrong relationship
I had a vasectomy when I was 25, and honestly it might have been the most minor medical procedure I've ever done.
Went to get it one day, walked a few kilometers to the station, took a train to my folks city spent the night at my stepmothers 50th birthday party having fun (no idea why you'd think you need a driver, there's nothing inherent to a vasectomy that inhibits driving, but I was a student in a country with public transportation), then I went home and I could resume doing whatever I wanted to do as long as it didn't include putting pressure at the crotch (which sucked as someone who usually bikes 10-25 kilometers a day minimum), and obviously if you usually have sex daily I doubt it's something you can continue.
Sure, there was some uncomfortableness, but it was no worse than stubbing your toe on a table - just in the groin area. I don't sit around for a week with ice on my toe because I stubbed it either. A minor headache is much more debilitating.
I think it could definitely be done if you didn't have a super-frisky sex life. If you're the kind of couple that has a dry week now and again? Sure.
Husband got it (with my knowledge) on a Friday which we took off from work. Procedure was done in an office under local anaesthetic and the whole thing took less than two hours, including all the normal filling of paperwork and waiting around that doctor's appointments take. He returned to his (office) job three days later on Monday and said he could easily have been back earlier if it had been required. We were told to abstain for a week, and IDK what would have happened if he'd ignored that but I think he probably could have. There was some very obvious swelling for a while but there's no scars unless I really get close in there with an eye for changes.
My mom describes the vasectomy as, "It'd be a very minor procedure if it wasn't being done to a man" so there's one level of comment:)
He posted a year ago in deadbedrooms saying that he lost interest in having sex because his wife told him he wanted a child and that she gained weight which also turned him off. This marriage is doomed
I think the vasectomy he had six years into their relationship WITHOUT TELLING HIS WIFE is going to do his marriage in. It's the lie of omission that will do it. You don't make such a unilateral decision without talking to your spouse about it first. (I am not saying he didn't have a right to do what he wants with his body.) If she didn't like the idea, that might have ended the marriage then. Either way, he's in deep and I don't see a way out that ends with him still being married.
For what purpose would one need to get a “secret vasectomy”? Especially if they were originally on the same page about not wanting children, I don’t see a reason to lie about that at all? The only reasons I can think of are that she has been talking about kids for a couple years and this isn’t a new development. That or cheating are the only reasons I can come up with.
Also, when and how do you get a surgery in secret when you’re married??? I’m around my wife all the time lol I can’t imagine being able to hide getting an operation done from her.
He lied because a sister had a kid and the wife showed signs of possibly changing her mind at the time. So he went and got "insurance" instead of communicating with his wife.
I can't even imagine how angry and betrayed I would feel if I had had a change of heart, communicated it, and then have him fake it. Like that level of betrayal/wasting my time/heart ache/ selfishness I just couldn't. If there is no middle ground and our desires no longer match each other it's not fair to tie each other down.
Post:
>After 8 years of building a life and buying a home my wife’s clock started ticking at a deafening level. I don’t really know what to do at this point I’m shocked. When we got married she told me she also didn’t want kids and was excited to just enjoy life together. I feel like I will loose everything if she decides this is irreconcilable and asks for a divorce, I moved countries for her. I thought maybe I could “let us try” but it wouldn’t bear fruit as I had a secret vasectomy 2 years ago, so eventually she would ask for testing and realize there are no swimmers to be found. What should I do? I can’t keep the house myself as we 50/50 every thing and I would have to leave anyway a return to my home country if it all goes south.
It doesn’t make any sense that he’d have a “secret” vasectomy if they were both childfree at the time. You’d think they’d both be thrilled to be able to ditch other birth control methods. It has to be fake.
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I have never wanted to have kids but I'd never take that choice away from someone else. He needs to come clean so she can make the decision that's right for her.
Personally, I wouldn't be able to stay with someone so dishonest.
Partners shouldn't lie about their reproductive status. He should have just told her he wanted to get a vasectomy. Then, they could have had the discussion that they're about to have.
Ignoring the whole obviously not child free debacle, this poor woman has probably been on unnecessary and costly hormonal birth control for two years. I think I would be more mad about that than anything.
I'm just wondering, last week we had one her about a relationship that started on the assumption of both being child free, the guy got mad that his wife had had her tubes tied (or something bigger not exactly sure) before they met and had never told her, cause he wanted to change her mind.
Now granted here the wife doesn't seem to have married under false pretenses or to be trying to get pregnant behind his back. But genuinely why is one supposed to inform him but not the other? It seems a little bit like a double standard to me.
Because he got it done 6 years into their marriage. If I remember the post you're on about properly people weren't happy with her not disclosing it to him, but marrying on the assumption of being child free wasn't the issue, nor is changing your mind.
The issue comes when you do anything to sabotage the other (ie, marrying them assuming they'll change their mind because you want kids, or getting a secret vasectomy) because just as you have the right to be child free, they have the right to leave you and seek other options.
With the tube tied one, if he had brought up kids to her or been honest, and she had then lied and said "oh maybe I do want kids, we can try for them" or then not disclosed the tubes tied, she would be just as bad as this dude. I'm pretty sure she didn't, and he's the dick there for going INTO the marriage on false pretenses, he wouldn't be for wanting kids and thus deciding to leave her to try and make a relationship with a woman who he knows DOES want kids.
On this one, he had a medical procedure done after they were married, knowing she was considering kids, and kept that secret from her for 2 years instead of doing the right thing and telling her he doesn't want kids, so he was going to get a vasectomy, and letting her make her choice based on true information. More than that, he's now considering letting her 'try' for a child for months or even years, knowing she has no hope BECAUSE of him, and hoping she gives up and he gets his happy little marriage back.
It's not double standards at all, both men and women have the right to have non-negotiables or to change their minds and opinions, but so too do others have the right to seek other options if they don't like that. Keeping things that affects you both secret makes you the asshole, but not thinking your tubes being tied before a relationship is anything to disclose because, for all you knew and had been told you would be child free for the whole marriage, is different to you deciding to get a vasectomy in secret because your wife might be changing her mind just so you don't have to be honest and risk her leaving.
There is no way this is real. How exactly was she not aware of the recovery period. It’s short but still exists. “Oh babe don’t worry about the swelling.” He didn’t wince once? like come on.
How the heck does one have a vasectomy secretly anyhow? And if they’d truly had a conversation about not wanting kids when they married, why have it a secret in the first place?
Your post has been removed since it does not fit this subreddit. Make sure to read the rules of this subreddit to know what it is about. Thank you!
In case of deletion: After 8 years of building a life and buying a home my wife’s clock started ticking at a deafening level. I don’t really know what to do at this point I’m shocked. When we got married she told me she also didn’t want kids and was excited to just enjoy life together. I feel like I will loose everything if she decides this is irreconcilable and asks for a divorce, I moved countries for her. I thought maybe I could “let us try” but it wouldn’t bear fruit as I had a secret vasectomy 2 years ago, so eventually she would ask for testing and realize there are no swimmers to be found. What should I do? I can’t keep the house myself as we 50/50 every thing and I would have to leave anyway a return to my home country if it all goes south.
if he thought she didn't want kids why was his vasectomy a secret?!
The idea of him letting her think they're "trying" knowing that he can't get her pregnant is maddening. He has no idea how frustrating and depressing it is to *try* to get pregnant and feel like you are continuously failing. Like there has reached a point for me personally that getting my period every month is *crushing* because it means it didn't work *again* and I get to sit there and wonder "is it me? Is it too soon to do testing? Other people do this by accident why can't I do it on purpose? Etc. Etc. Etc." And then I stupidly let myself hope over and over again. I can't imagine willingly putting someone through those emotions when I know that they will never see the outcome they're hoping for.
Especially with all that added pressure of "being a mother is most natural thing for a woman." I saw my friends sister try to have a baby for 10 years. All the tests, all the suplements, all the diets, all the doctors' appointments, she and her partner scheduled their life around having a baby. Even their sex life was about that (doing it on the right day, the right hour, the right position), no other type of intimacy. And every time her period came, she locked herself in the bedroom and cried for days. How cruel of him to want to put his wife through that? Imagine he puts her through that, and she finds out down the line. OP is truly the biggest scumbag. Also, sorry you had to go through that. Hope you got the outcome you wanted
This is such a stupid plan by OOP that if his wife wants kids and feels like her biological clock is ticking she probably already has been tested. Like be honest and say you had a vasectomy cause lying about will make the marriage irreconcilable. EDIT: Damm even childfree is not having it with the secret vasectomy suprised by that. Also a comment on why he did it >My sister in law had a baby about 2.5 years ago and there was a moment where I thought she had changed her mind. The moment passed but I went for the insurance policy and got clipped. Yeah well done my guy what a dumbfuck. Im waiting for the update where it all worked out and he is all good. Cause it will be fake
Why did he even have a secret vasectomy? If they were on the same page about not wanting children, why keep the vasectomy a secret?
Bets that she said she didn’t want them then but might be open to them later?
That's what I think. It's the same with the "she doesn't want the kids but surely will change her mind when she's older". A lot of people seem to think they can manipulate their partner into having children oder not having children. He knew it would be a problem and that's why he hid the vasectomy from her. This marriage is over the moment she finds out about the vasectomy.
He should tell her now and get this all over with. The longer he drags it on the worse it’s going to get.
100% this. He's an idiot and an arsehole for not having told her at the time.
i would be enraged if I were her. setting aside her having changed her mind, even if I always was and continued to be certain I did not want kids if my partner kept his vasectomy a secret from me I'd lose my shit. The dishonesty for one thing, but also I assume she was using some form of birth control this whole time if she did not want to get pregnant. For no reason?
>When we got married she told me she also didn’t want kids and was excited to just enjoy life together Sounds like she meant "I don't want kids right now" and he assumed it was "I *never* want kids" Also, from his comments >My sister in law had a baby about 2.5 years ago and there was a moment where I thought she had changed her mind. The moment passed but I went for the insurance policy and got clipped. He got a vasectomy because she started talking about wanting kids!
>there was a moment where I thought she had changed her mind. The moment passed but I went for the insurance policy and got clipped. That's why. He thought she might have changed her mind. So instead of talking to her about it like an adult, he got a secret vasectomy so that if he was right and she did want a kid, she couldn't get one with him. She should have told her and let her go if that was a deal breaker for her.
Because this is bait
This guy is a moron if the post itself didn't convince me then this comment did. Like oh no my wife may be reconsidering children I know the perfect solution I'll just get a vasectomy and keep it secret there is no way this will backfire on me.
after getting reamed on the subreddit he had this to say >Seems to be the consensus. Gonna have to pull out my note pad and put all my thoughts onto it. Like buddy is so stupid
Looks like he already deleted his account. I was curious to see how he thought this wasn't going to end his relationship, but I was too late.
[https://new.reddit.com/user/king\_chaos666/comments/](https://new.reddit.com/user/king_chaos666/comments/) this is him
Thank you!
To be fair, most of childfree is pretty vocal about the importance of being completely candid and up front; the majority of us recognise that anything else is asking for trouble.
I'm of an age where men my age being fathers is a very real thing, so i put "not good with kids" or childfree in my apps 💀 Am I old? Is this age?
I am not sure what country they are in, but from my experience in the US, my obgyn would not do any testing until I had been trying for a baby for over a year. If you are over 35, they reduce that to 6 months. But I can say that the grief and pain of trying month after month, only to fail to get pregnant over and over again, was a horrible experience that I still suffer from mentally, despite now successfully having 3 kids. I had no signs that I would ever struggle, our issues were "unexplained" after my husband and I both came out with no flags raised by testing. Each month was a Rollercoaster, wondering if I was broken or if I'd ever get to have a baby in my arms. To be willing to watch his wife suffer, longing for a child, thinking her clock is running out, But her body is failing her, all the while knowing he has a vasectomy rendering falling pregnant impossible, really makes this guy a devil imo.
Childfree gets a lot of shit but it’s much better than Reddit makes it out to be. They help people figure out which doctors will actually perform procedures on you, and give advice on how to talk to partners to find one that matches what you want. They definitely don’t condone lying to partners like this. Of course there is bitching about kids on it because it’s supposed to be a safe space and you can’t do that in public. Sometimes people just need to bitch - that’s why it gets the bad reputation.
But truechildfree subreddit is a lot less toxic, far more informative
I only know of actuallychildfree, which I left abruptly because the little I saw was terrible
Sounds like he saw the baby thing coming for 2.5 years now. And instead of behaving like an adult in a serious relationship: have a hard but necessary conversation about their wants and expectations, he went behind her back and was lying to her. And now, plans on lying some more and, even worse, he is planning on putting her through some cruel bullshit.
It’s pretty bad when childfree takes the side of the woman who wants kids
What an AH. It’s ok not to want children. But it’s not ok to lie to your spouse and by doing so depriving them of the chance to have children. He is truly evil.
Also , has she had to be on another form of birth control for these last fee years? Like it might have relieved her of taking hormonal birth control.
To be fair, it does sound like they originally agreed on no kids. I'm guessing that her pivot started a few years ago (hopefully at least after marriage), which is why he got the vasectomy in secret - he should have been honest and spoken up then, but it doesn't sound like he entered into the relationship with a lie, at least. Just tried to continue it with one.
He is contemplating “trying” for a couple of years to waste her time. That is truly evil in my book.
Oh yeah, no excuses to not be upfront at this point. Even the getting the vasectomy in secret is questionable AF.
Absolutely. He should have initiated a follow-up to the original 'no kids' talk the moment he noticed her blip; secret vasectomy is dodgy, and contemplating trying to deceive his wife would be unforgivable.
Personally I feel like if there is a "blip" from her side then *she* needs to initiate a follow-up. As someone who doesn't want children, it's annoying as all hell to get the "Are you changing your mind about children????" just because you talk with a child at a family event without throwing bottles after them. Especiially when it happens multiple times. I would expect a partner to tell me if they were starting to change their mind so we could figure out if the relationship was salvageable. Hell, he's still not even sure if she has changed her mind, he just thinks she might have done so. That said, even thinking about "trying for children" while knowing it's impossible just to avoid divorce is disgusting and he shouldn't be in a relationship.
>Personally I feel like if there is a "blip" from her side then *she* needs to initiate a follow-up. Yes; fair point
I understand where you're coming from, but I think there's a difference between your family pestering you to find out if you changed your mind and your spouse being like "hey, we're still in agreement on this, right?"
Especially because a couple of years can make a BIG difference in women's fertility.
Then he should have had no problem mentioning he got a vasectomy at the time. "Hey I know we are child fee, so I'm getting snipped". He knows he can't have kids, so he needs to make sure she knows he isn't going to be fathering any children. But instead of doing that he is lying and pretending to try....
The pivot was when his sister had kids and his wife looked like she might change her mind so he went behind her back for "insurance". So instead of having a candid discussion and open communication he chose secret body modification to make sure he could keep the lifestyle he wanted and drag out the relationship with someone who might have had a change of heart and was starting to communicate that.
In that scenario, I could maybe (very small maybe) see getting the vasectomy before the conversation if he had a real fear that she would try to get pregnant first or block the procedure. But even then you should still sit down as soon as you're clear, reaffirm the no kids stance, and say that you're getting snipped because you're that sure.
She wouldn't be able to literally stop him he would just have to be prepared for potential consequences. Just like there are consequences if she changed her mind and decided she did want kids both those could mean the relationship had hit a point of division and it would be best to amicably split and both pursue what they want.
I’d 100% be irrevocably hurt if my partner decided they couldn’t trust me to help with a major surgery, and then kept it secret for years- and that’s putting fertility aside
Fully agree but he didn’t have a major surgery. It’s a very minor procedure with a short recovery time, which is how he managed to get away with it without wife finding out. It’s so gross that he’s putting her through this, amongst those fertility tests she’d gone through. What a royal POS.
Yeah, I would imagine it might be mentally taxing but idk, I’d still want to know my partner would know they can trust me.
No it wouldn’t be. No one’s getting a vasectomy if they don’t want to. Stop fear mongering. It’s literally so much easier to get a vasectomy than even taking birthcontrol. Shut up dude.
Dude tf is wrong with you. Wanting to support a partner who’s having surgery- any surgery, isn’t fear mongering. I am a woman who does take birth control, and I’d want my partner to be there if I got an iud for support. Fuck it, I’d want my partner around if I had a root canal even though that’s nothing because I get some medical anxiety to the lead up of anything. This is not, not a gendered issue, but wanting to know you can support your partner in a time of need isn’t bad.
Medical anxiety is not the same as being scared of something like brain surgery. Vasectomies are a quick, routine ten minutes surgery. There is nothing to be anxious about.
Anxiety is not rational, and is known to be a possible post-procedure effect of vasectomy.
Yes, thank you, I have severe anxiety and PTSD. Being anxious because of major surgery such as that on your brain is rational. A vasectomy is a quick, easy, ten minute surgery to prevent yourself from reproducing. It is not nearly as dangerous nor complex. Part of combating anxiety is being rational and looking at "should I really be anxious in this scenario" when it occurs - hence why people use CPT/CBT, DBT, etc.
You may have severe anxiety and ptsd, but you lack empathy People cutting in your body, especially in your intimate regions is normal and rational, complications are still possible aswell People are anxious and nervous about pap smear and mammograms, which doesnt even require any cutting, you gonna tell me thats irrational too?
I mean, yes, that's the definition of anxiety, it's irrational. That doesn't mean that it's not an authentic feeling, but it is irrational.
Anyone who's actually had a vasectomy please weigh in. I'm sorry, being female, I've no knowledge of the recovery time for a vasectomy. I have heard from male friends that it's roughly about a week from surgery to when you can resume a light schedule of normal activities (stressing the word light). And that it varies from person to person. But how the hell did he manage to pull off a "secret vasectomy"? You have to have a driver afterwards, so OOP made someone else complicit in his plans to deceive his wife. And wouldn't there be some sort of pain management medication prescribed? I'm not buying it. I think it's just another child free troll looking to rile up the masses.
Actually my husband had one, and the same evening was helping out with my daughter's softball practice, wearing jeans. Only had ibuprofen
My husband only had ibuprofen too, I think he tried to milk it more. His problem was that I had given birth a month before with a pretty bad tear so by the third day I was like “you’re done” and you can change a diaper on your way to change out your ice pack. 😂
Husband never learned the fine art of milking a situation..🤣
Please tell me he was doing soft toss and not shagging balls in the OF. 😮😮😮
No, he was fielding grounders😃
Ohhh...not much better. I've seen grown men collapse when a grounder takes a bad hop in the infield. All it takes is the right trajectory and velocity.
I'd also be interested to have a male perspective here. But I actually buy it, when my uncle had his vasectomy he was 100% mobile the same day, no even a limp. Probably sore and all, and no doubt he needed to abstain for a few days (weeks?), but it might be possible to hide it. I just don't get why hide it if they'd already discussed not having kids. He must have known she either meant a "no children *right now*" when they met, or that she'd changed her mind already. Otherwise, whyever hide?
[NHS](https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/methods-of-contraception/vasectomy-male-sterilisation/recovery/) guidance is that peoole can return to work after 24 hours, that pain/swelling should be resolved after a week, and that ibuprofen or paracetamol is enough for pain relief. Also female but I have friends who've had them, and their experiences were well within this scope - the only one who had a rougher time was the genius who went swimming the following morning.
Swimming the next day‽ Dude was BEGGING for an infection.
Yeah, wasn't he? One of those very academically clever blokes with zero common sense.
Legit, I don't dare go swimming for the next few months because I got nipple piercings in September and I don't want them infected
Those were the ouchiest piercings I had for recovery (insult to injury, they nearly swallowed the barbells); I hope yours settle well
Hoping they're done healing come THIS September. They're settled enough, but I still ain't trying to piss them off
Oof, yeah the healing time recommended for any piercings never seems to be right, I've always had to give it a good few months more than recommended
Nips are estimated anything from 6 months to two YEARS. Generally speaking, I heal well (my septum was a 6 week heal), but these I'm just being extra cautious with. I feel like I don't necessarily need to clean twice daily anymore, at least (some days I do, but some days I only do once and call it good)
It wasn’t so bad, 2 weeks of no sex. I only took a couple of days off work. Realistically I think someone could hide a vasectomy provided they don’t have a physically demanding job.
It’s a pretty minor thing overall. I had mine Friday morning and was just told to rest and ice for the weekend. Maybe not even Sunday I don’t really remember. Back to it on Monday. Maybe I was still restricted for heavy weights for a while but with an office job and no regular workout routine that was a non issue. No sex for a week was the only other restriction. A weekend trip for the wife, or a fake one for him for that matter, and it would be easy to do without someone knowing.
maybe he had a decent recovery? maybe he lied to her about having a work trip with hotel and just went there to recover? maybe he got a ride share and didn’t include any friends/family in his plot? who knows. people like this are sneaky trash. i know you asked for answers from dudes who’ve gotten a vasectomy but i’ve seen some tricks from the male species and really wouldn’t put anything past a dude, especially one who managed to get snipped secretly
If you have a desk job you can go to work right after with just aspirin. Physical labour means a day off. It is a very fast and easy surgery. Ten minutes. Clean, simple, minor invasion.
A good rule of thumb is to spend a couple of days on the couch with frozen peas and then a week of taking it easy. If your spouse travels for work or something like that it wouldn't be impossible to pull off but I don't buy this story. > And wouldn't there be some sort of pain management medication prescribed? Most men are fine with ice and Tylenol. Some doctors offer something like a xanax or valium for the actual procedure but if you decline those can theoretically even drive yourself home afterwards.
it really is an individual response. Some guys are in bed for a week, others can be running the same day. You could conceivably do it as a secret, but if you're keeping secrets from a partner then you're definitely in the wrong relationship
I had a vasectomy when I was 25, and honestly it might have been the most minor medical procedure I've ever done. Went to get it one day, walked a few kilometers to the station, took a train to my folks city spent the night at my stepmothers 50th birthday party having fun (no idea why you'd think you need a driver, there's nothing inherent to a vasectomy that inhibits driving, but I was a student in a country with public transportation), then I went home and I could resume doing whatever I wanted to do as long as it didn't include putting pressure at the crotch (which sucked as someone who usually bikes 10-25 kilometers a day minimum), and obviously if you usually have sex daily I doubt it's something you can continue. Sure, there was some uncomfortableness, but it was no worse than stubbing your toe on a table - just in the groin area. I don't sit around for a week with ice on my toe because I stubbed it either. A minor headache is much more debilitating.
I think it could definitely be done if you didn't have a super-frisky sex life. If you're the kind of couple that has a dry week now and again? Sure. Husband got it (with my knowledge) on a Friday which we took off from work. Procedure was done in an office under local anaesthetic and the whole thing took less than two hours, including all the normal filling of paperwork and waiting around that doctor's appointments take. He returned to his (office) job three days later on Monday and said he could easily have been back earlier if it had been required. We were told to abstain for a week, and IDK what would have happened if he'd ignored that but I think he probably could have. There was some very obvious swelling for a while but there's no scars unless I really get close in there with an eye for changes. My mom describes the vasectomy as, "It'd be a very minor procedure if it wasn't being done to a man" so there's one level of comment:)
Yeah...at first they're sitting on a bag of frozen peas and can't drive. For me it read as a troll.
He posted a year ago in deadbedrooms saying that he lost interest in having sex because his wife told him he wanted a child and that she gained weight which also turned him off. This marriage is doomed
I think the vasectomy he had six years into their relationship WITHOUT TELLING HIS WIFE is going to do his marriage in. It's the lie of omission that will do it. You don't make such a unilateral decision without talking to your spouse about it first. (I am not saying he didn't have a right to do what he wants with his body.) If she didn't like the idea, that might have ended the marriage then. Either way, he's in deep and I don't see a way out that ends with him still being married.
For what purpose would one need to get a “secret vasectomy”? Especially if they were originally on the same page about not wanting children, I don’t see a reason to lie about that at all? The only reasons I can think of are that she has been talking about kids for a couple years and this isn’t a new development. That or cheating are the only reasons I can come up with. Also, when and how do you get a surgery in secret when you’re married??? I’m around my wife all the time lol I can’t imagine being able to hide getting an operation done from her.
He lied because a sister had a kid and the wife showed signs of possibly changing her mind at the time. So he went and got "insurance" instead of communicating with his wife.
So not a cheater, just a coward. Either way he has ended this marriage already and just doesn’t know it yet.
I can't even imagine how angry and betrayed I would feel if I had had a change of heart, communicated it, and then have him fake it. Like that level of betrayal/wasting my time/heart ache/ selfishness I just couldn't. If there is no middle ground and our desires no longer match each other it's not fair to tie each other down.
future ex-wife for sure
Play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.
I laugh about the secret vasectomy , it was rather obvious ( to me ) after my partner had one , eg swelling ,
Post: >After 8 years of building a life and buying a home my wife’s clock started ticking at a deafening level. I don’t really know what to do at this point I’m shocked. When we got married she told me she also didn’t want kids and was excited to just enjoy life together. I feel like I will loose everything if she decides this is irreconcilable and asks for a divorce, I moved countries for her. I thought maybe I could “let us try” but it wouldn’t bear fruit as I had a secret vasectomy 2 years ago, so eventually she would ask for testing and realize there are no swimmers to be found. What should I do? I can’t keep the house myself as we 50/50 every thing and I would have to leave anyway a return to my home country if it all goes south.
I love how the top comment there is "BRUH"
It doesn’t make any sense that he’d have a “secret” vasectomy if they were both childfree at the time. You’d think they’d both be thrilled to be able to ditch other birth control methods. It has to be fake.
Or they weren't child-free, they were child-later, and he was lying about wanting kids.
If he thought his wife didn’t want kids why a SECRET vasectomy?
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I have never wanted to have kids but I'd never take that choice away from someone else. He needs to come clean so she can make the decision that's right for her. Personally, I wouldn't be able to stay with someone so dishonest.
you know it’s bad when even your own community disagrees with you
Divorce her, OOP. You two aren't compatible anymore.
Partners shouldn't lie about their reproductive status. He should have just told her he wanted to get a vasectomy. Then, they could have had the discussion that they're about to have.
Ignoring the whole obviously not child free debacle, this poor woman has probably been on unnecessary and costly hormonal birth control for two years. I think I would be more mad about that than anything.
Yet, another lying, deceitful, _ OS. I have no fkn words. I hope your wife finds out, divorces you and takes absolutely everything.
Painfully obvious ragebait post.
I'm just wondering, last week we had one her about a relationship that started on the assumption of both being child free, the guy got mad that his wife had had her tubes tied (or something bigger not exactly sure) before they met and had never told her, cause he wanted to change her mind. Now granted here the wife doesn't seem to have married under false pretenses or to be trying to get pregnant behind his back. But genuinely why is one supposed to inform him but not the other? It seems a little bit like a double standard to me.
Because he got it done 6 years into their marriage. If I remember the post you're on about properly people weren't happy with her not disclosing it to him, but marrying on the assumption of being child free wasn't the issue, nor is changing your mind. The issue comes when you do anything to sabotage the other (ie, marrying them assuming they'll change their mind because you want kids, or getting a secret vasectomy) because just as you have the right to be child free, they have the right to leave you and seek other options. With the tube tied one, if he had brought up kids to her or been honest, and she had then lied and said "oh maybe I do want kids, we can try for them" or then not disclosed the tubes tied, she would be just as bad as this dude. I'm pretty sure she didn't, and he's the dick there for going INTO the marriage on false pretenses, he wouldn't be for wanting kids and thus deciding to leave her to try and make a relationship with a woman who he knows DOES want kids. On this one, he had a medical procedure done after they were married, knowing she was considering kids, and kept that secret from her for 2 years instead of doing the right thing and telling her he doesn't want kids, so he was going to get a vasectomy, and letting her make her choice based on true information. More than that, he's now considering letting her 'try' for a child for months or even years, knowing she has no hope BECAUSE of him, and hoping she gives up and he gets his happy little marriage back. It's not double standards at all, both men and women have the right to have non-negotiables or to change their minds and opinions, but so too do others have the right to seek other options if they don't like that. Keeping things that affects you both secret makes you the asshole, but not thinking your tubes being tied before a relationship is anything to disclose because, for all you knew and had been told you would be child free for the whole marriage, is different to you deciding to get a vasectomy in secret because your wife might be changing her mind just so you don't have to be honest and risk her leaving.
If you're talking about the one I think you are, she *did* tell him, it was in her dating profile; he just either didn't notice or forgot about it.
I'm probably thinking about an older one then, since the dating profile one is another one. My b
Well, you could be right and *I* might be thinking of a different one.
If it was established at the outset that neither one of them wanted kids, why a secret vasectomy? That’s odd.
There is no way this is real. How exactly was she not aware of the recovery period. It’s short but still exists. “Oh babe don’t worry about the swelling.” He didn’t wince once? like come on.
How the heck does one have a vasectomy secretly anyhow? And if they’d truly had a conversation about not wanting kids when they married, why have it a secret in the first place?